1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,080 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:38,240 Speaker 2: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 12 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:44,720 Speaker 1: Recognizing that oftentimes we tend to be kinder and gentler 13 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:49,360 Speaker 1: towards others than we are to our own self, and 14 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:53,080 Speaker 1: so taking that same energy that you show up with 15 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,760 Speaker 1: for other folks and turning it inward. 16 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:00,920 Speaker 2: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration, 17 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:05,200 Speaker 2: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments 18 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:09,120 Speaker 2: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a 19 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,400 Speaker 2: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also, 20 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:16,479 Speaker 2: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe 21 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:21,280 Speaker 2: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheirspace dot com to access our 22 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:25,880 Speaker 2: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab. 23 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting 24 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:36,760 Speaker 1: women like you. We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Bussard, a 25 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,440 Speaker 1: college professor and psychologist. 26 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:42,959 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a 27 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:48,000 Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please 28 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:52,840 Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 29 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:56,200 Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends, and create a safe space where 30 00:01:56,200 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 2: black women can just be Hey, lady, it's Terry here 31 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,919 Speaker 2: from Cultivating her Space. Are you tired of working hard 32 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,679 Speaker 2: for your money? Do you want your business to run 33 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 2: smoothly when you're out of office? If you want to 34 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:16,280 Speaker 2: learn how to automate your business cash flow and increase 35 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:20,079 Speaker 2: your impact and influence, join me from my free workshop 36 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:25,000 Speaker 2: at Brand with Terry dot Com. Again, that's brand with 37 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:29,079 Speaker 2: Terry dot Com. My name is spelled te double R. 38 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,000 Speaker 2: I hope to see you there, lady. 39 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:38,160 Speaker 1: All right, so our quote of the day. Now, I'm 40 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 1: not a singer, so I'm not gonna sing these lines. 41 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:44,840 Speaker 1: I know, I know, I. 42 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:45,880 Speaker 2: Know, I. 43 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,560 Speaker 1: Know your wanting. I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna 44 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:57,240 Speaker 1: spare all of us but lady, as you were listening 45 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:01,639 Speaker 1: to this quote of the day, know that you can 46 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 1: go wherever you listen to your music, you can find 47 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 1: Karen White's Superwoman. Now. The quote from the song says, 48 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:19,080 Speaker 1: I'm not your superwoman. I'm not the kind of girl 49 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,240 Speaker 1: that you can let down and think that everything is okay. 50 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:29,560 Speaker 1: I'm gonna read that quote one more time. I'm not 51 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:34,200 Speaker 1: your superwoman. I'm not the kind of girl that you 52 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:39,960 Speaker 1: can let down and think that everything is okay. T 53 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:45,000 Speaker 1: When you hear these lyrics, since it's coming from a song, 54 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:49,120 Speaker 1: when you hear these lyrics, what comes up for you 55 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,440 Speaker 1: around the title Superwoman? 56 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:56,720 Speaker 2: You know, it's funny. I was anticipating you asking me this, 57 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,000 Speaker 2: and I was gonna be like, I'm gonna pass it 58 00:03:58,040 --> 00:03:59,240 Speaker 2: back to you down because I don't know. I fuck, 59 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,360 Speaker 2: I need time to pross. But as you read it again, 60 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,400 Speaker 2: I don't remember all the lyrics of the song. But 61 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:08,120 Speaker 2: when I heard you read this part, it makes me 62 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 2: think about what comes to mind for me is putting 63 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:15,680 Speaker 2: down or taking off the superwoman cape and letting this 64 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:20,640 Speaker 2: person know like you're not gonna not carry your weight, 65 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 2: you know what I mean? Or meet me halfway and 66 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:24,880 Speaker 2: then just put me down and expect me to do 67 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,880 Speaker 2: all this because I'm not a superwoman, like I'm going 68 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 2: to handle stuff that I know I can handle and 69 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:34,080 Speaker 2: what's within my I don't know the confines of my ability, 70 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,040 Speaker 2: I want to say, and I'll handle that, But don't 71 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,479 Speaker 2: be trying to leave all this extra stuff and have 72 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,280 Speaker 2: me come and save the day because I'm not doing it. 73 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:42,159 Speaker 2: That's what I got. 74 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:46,839 Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I love it. I love it. I think 75 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 1: what I took away from it was I have emotion 76 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:59,400 Speaker 1: that I can be vulnerable, and so even if I 77 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:04,560 Speaker 1: might ruggle with showing those emotions, it is still not 78 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:08,599 Speaker 1: okay for you to treat me as if I don't 79 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:13,840 Speaker 1: have emotions. It's not okay for you to treat me 80 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 1: with a lack of respect and assume that I'm gonna 81 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:23,800 Speaker 1: be okay with that, that I'm gonna have the superwoman 82 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 1: cape on that allows you to toss your shit at me, 83 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: and my cape is just going to be that thing 84 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,960 Speaker 1: that just like lets it bounce off. I'm not the 85 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,000 Speaker 1: cape is going down. 86 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 2: I love that. I love it. I love it, and 87 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:43,039 Speaker 2: it makes me think about how sometimes people may treat 88 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:45,200 Speaker 2: black women a certain way because it's like, oh, she's strong, 89 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,560 Speaker 2: she got this. Oh you know, if I don't show 90 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:49,800 Speaker 2: up or if I don't do this, you'll be fine, 91 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,440 Speaker 2: Like you're so strong, you got this. So this is 92 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:57,000 Speaker 2: a much needed conversation. Let's just divete into. Now, what 93 00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:01,159 Speaker 2: is black superwoman syndrome BSS. 94 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:07,000 Speaker 1: Yes, so all of us are familiar with it. If 95 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:11,040 Speaker 1: you are a black woman, no matter what country you're in, 96 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 1: if you are a black woman, you know black superwoman syndrome, 97 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:22,800 Speaker 1: even if you may not be familiar with exactly what 98 00:06:22,839 --> 00:06:27,839 Speaker 1: it means, like an actual definition. And so because I 99 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:32,680 Speaker 1: want to make sure that we give our black women 100 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:39,080 Speaker 1: their due, so I want to give credit to doctor 101 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:45,000 Speaker 1: Sheryl Woods giscone and lady, please correct me if I 102 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 1: mispronounced your last name, but I believe that's how we 103 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:54,599 Speaker 1: pronounce it. And she is a PhD r In at 104 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:58,200 Speaker 1: the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, or she was 105 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,080 Speaker 1: at the time that she published this research article in 106 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:08,000 Speaker 1: twenty ten about actually defining what it means to be 107 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:13,520 Speaker 1: that black superwoman, right, like, what does this syndrome look 108 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:20,720 Speaker 1: like and how does it affect black women? So to 109 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,880 Speaker 1: to give you all what that actual definition is it's 110 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:30,000 Speaker 1: this narrative that can be both empowering and devastating at 111 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:35,920 Speaker 1: the same damn time. As black women, we are reared 112 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:42,240 Speaker 1: to believe that we have the superhuman abilities, right, that 113 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:48,880 Speaker 1: our superhero power is the ability to take the weight 114 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:54,679 Speaker 1: of the world and not cave under it. That we 115 00:07:54,800 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 1: will tend to our homes, raise our children, and over 116 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:07,040 Speaker 1: work to provide for everyone at the expense of ourselves. 117 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:13,600 Speaker 1: So we're putting everyone else before us, right, And while 118 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 1: we are doing that, we are simultaneously defending ourselves in 119 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:27,800 Speaker 1: a world, in a society that repeatedly treats us and 120 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:33,360 Speaker 1: puts out the narrative that we are less than Wow. 121 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:39,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, just hearing that, it makes me think about what 122 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,920 Speaker 2: was communicated to me growing up about the strength of 123 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:46,160 Speaker 2: a black woman, and watching my mom and my grandmother 124 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,320 Speaker 2: really do so much for a lot of other people, 125 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,760 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I think about just my grandmother, 126 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,880 Speaker 2: her strength. I mean, she was the matriarch, She raised 127 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,400 Speaker 2: her kids and some of her grandkids. You know, she 128 00:08:57,559 --> 00:09:01,200 Speaker 2: was my grandfather's backbone. And you know, I grew up 129 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,120 Speaker 2: in that traditional sort of gender rold household where the 130 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:08,240 Speaker 2: woman cooks and cleans and does the laundry, and irons 131 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,040 Speaker 2: her husband's clothes and supports him and his endeavors and 132 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,280 Speaker 2: raises the kids, you know what I mean. And so 133 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 2: you serve your husband. You know, husband comes home from 134 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,320 Speaker 2: work and you serve him his dinner. And it's just 135 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:25,200 Speaker 2: you see, the women do so much, and oftentimes they're 136 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 2: up in the wee hours of the morning. Although they're 137 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,839 Speaker 2: doing so much for the people, their cup is not full. 138 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 2: I did not see a lot of self care, you 139 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:35,240 Speaker 2: know what I mean. And I saw honestly a lot 140 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,560 Speaker 2: of regret at some points where it was like, dang, 141 00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:40,200 Speaker 2: I didn't have a chance to do the things that 142 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,079 Speaker 2: I was really excited about are the things that really 143 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,000 Speaker 2: energize my spirit because I was doing so much for 144 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,319 Speaker 2: other people. And so what I will say down, I 145 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,440 Speaker 2: feel like we've talked about this on a previous episode. 146 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:56,000 Speaker 2: For me, this really informed the way that I show 147 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:59,040 Speaker 2: up as a wife and mother and just a working 148 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:02,959 Speaker 2: mom and woman in general, because I had a chance 149 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:07,280 Speaker 2: to see behind the curtain what it really looks like 150 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:11,840 Speaker 2: for a woman to have BSS, you know what I mean. 151 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 2: And it's not always it's not always rosy and sunshine, 152 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,600 Speaker 2: although it might look nice superficially, you're like, oh my gosh, 153 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,720 Speaker 2: she does it all. She has the husband and she's 154 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:26,320 Speaker 2: managing the kids, and she's working all my she's doing everything. Yeah, 155 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,280 Speaker 2: but what does it look like behind the scenes. 156 00:10:28,559 --> 00:10:37,600 Speaker 1: Right right exactly? I think you nailed it. You nailed 157 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,160 Speaker 1: it in terms of describing like what that can look 158 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:45,680 Speaker 1: like in real life, in real time, that she's got 159 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,880 Speaker 1: it all right, Like you said that, she's got she's 160 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,160 Speaker 1: got the partner, she's got the kids, she's got the career, 161 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:57,560 Speaker 1: she's got the friends, and she's got the organization, the 162 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:02,240 Speaker 1: professional organizations, she's got the church groups, and she is 163 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:06,600 Speaker 1: doing all of these things right, and she is being 164 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,520 Speaker 1: all things to all people but herself. 165 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:14,600 Speaker 2: Mm hmm right, all things to all people. 166 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,959 Speaker 1: Yeah, all things to all people. And I think we 167 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,120 Speaker 1: just got to keep repeating that right so that it 168 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:27,360 Speaker 1: really sinks in that we are constantly in a space 169 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:32,479 Speaker 1: of being all things to all people except ourselves. 170 00:11:33,679 --> 00:11:36,040 Speaker 2: And to be honest, I feel like once upon a 171 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 2: time I thought that that was super sexy, like being 172 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,880 Speaker 2: mis independent, like I strived for that, like I don't 173 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,839 Speaker 2: need no man, I don't need nobody, like I can 174 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,960 Speaker 2: do all this on my own, and I felt that 175 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,480 Speaker 2: way for a long time, and I just can't emphasize 176 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,559 Speaker 2: how sexy it just appeared, because it's like I can 177 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,360 Speaker 2: do everything, like I got this, you know what I mean? Yes, 178 00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:57,480 Speaker 2: I will say. I know we're going to dive into 179 00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 2: our personal experiences soon. But girl, pregnancy, labor, and postpardon 180 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:07,800 Speaker 2: have taught me so much about the beauty of being 181 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:13,720 Speaker 2: weak and about you know, taking off the cape. I 182 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,360 Speaker 2: am not super well like I used to think, Oh 183 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,439 Speaker 2: I'm superwoman. I got this, I mean, and some I 184 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,480 Speaker 2: think I actually just it's funny. I posted a status 185 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 2: about this after giving birth because after giving birth, the 186 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,199 Speaker 2: way that it happened, like I felt so powerful and 187 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,640 Speaker 2: I felt like superwoman, but not the superwoman it takes 188 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 2: on everything. It was like a different, different type of 189 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,320 Speaker 2: strength that I felt. Not money want to see my 190 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,439 Speaker 2: status and die. But girl, you just said you a superwoman, 191 00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:36,960 Speaker 2: not in that way, but like I retire that cap, 192 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,560 Speaker 2: the cape of doing all things and not any help. 193 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,360 Speaker 2: It's gone. I don't know where it is, but it's gone. 194 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:44,760 Speaker 1: It's a way. 195 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, it flew away in the wind. 196 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:54,439 Speaker 1: But I love what you said about and the honesty 197 00:12:54,520 --> 00:13:01,319 Speaker 1: around acknowledging that the idea of being super woman with sexy. 198 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,959 Speaker 1: I think that that is what they want us to believe, right, 199 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:12,600 Speaker 1: that this is this beautiful thing that we should all 200 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:16,959 Speaker 1: be striving towards, and that if we are not, we 201 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,720 Speaker 1: are less than right because I think I can think 202 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:27,400 Speaker 1: about what I have believed right that, well, if I 203 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,439 Speaker 1: wasn't at the top of the game in my career, 204 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:34,400 Speaker 1: if I don't have kids, if I don't have a partner, 205 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:39,680 Speaker 1: then I'm not really fulfilling the things right, all the things, 206 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 1: checking off all the boxes. And then am I really 207 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:47,280 Speaker 1: superwoman if I'm not checking off all of these boxes? 208 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:54,040 Speaker 1: When the reality is that again don't need to be 209 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:59,800 Speaker 1: superwoman and I don't need to check off all of 210 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,720 Speaker 1: the those boxes to be fulfilled. 211 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,280 Speaker 2: Right, because who created these damn boxes? Like how you 212 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,719 Speaker 2: just gonna have a whole like billions of people in 213 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,120 Speaker 2: the world and say, Okay, these are the boxes that 214 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,560 Speaker 2: you need to check in order to become the ideal 215 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 2: woman or superwoman, Like no, We're all different people with 216 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:22,760 Speaker 2: different desires and visions for our lives, like fucking boxes. 217 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:26,160 Speaker 1: Exactly exactly exactly, and like I you know I think 218 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,800 Speaker 1: about I want to go back to something that you 219 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:36,120 Speaker 1: mentioned about the intergenerational messages that we receive right about 220 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:41,160 Speaker 1: being superwoman and the need to be superwoman. Whether those 221 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,560 Speaker 1: messages were direct or indirect, you know, so like whether 222 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,760 Speaker 1: it was conversations that were had in the household or 223 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:56,119 Speaker 1: it was behaviors that we observed. Historically, we all received 224 00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 1: these messages. It's been ingrained in us for centuries, for 225 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 1: generations that we had to be the one to take 226 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,680 Speaker 1: things on, right, to take everything on, and that to 227 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:19,280 Speaker 1: be superwoman meant we could not show our feelings. And really, 228 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:27,360 Speaker 1: if we reflect back on generations ago, during slavery and 229 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:34,360 Speaker 1: during Jim Crow, to show our feelings, to show our 230 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 1: emotions was a threat to our survival. And hell, if 231 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:49,080 Speaker 1: we're being honest, even today, there are situations in which 232 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 1: we may find ourselves we're showing our emotions could be 233 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,480 Speaker 1: a threat to our survival. The thing that I think 234 00:15:55,520 --> 00:16:00,600 Speaker 1: of is the workplace that if we experience any type 235 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:07,000 Speaker 1: of bias, discrimination or injustice, if we get upset, if 236 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,960 Speaker 1: we try to fight or advocate for ourselves, then we 237 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:16,320 Speaker 1: get labeled angry black women. And so we have been 238 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,120 Speaker 1: conditioned to if I don't want to be called angry 239 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:24,600 Speaker 1: black women, then I'm gonna put on my Superwoman cap 240 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,480 Speaker 1: and I'm going to act as if this injustice did 241 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:34,480 Speaker 1: not just occur, and I'm going to keep it pushing, Right, 242 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:40,160 Speaker 1: I'm going to put on my Superwoman cap. And when 243 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:46,320 Speaker 1: I recognize that I'm being paid less than all of 244 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:53,400 Speaker 1: my coworkers, given less resources to do the exact same job, 245 00:16:54,880 --> 00:17:03,520 Speaker 1: but then expected to perform higher and better than everyone else, 246 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:09,120 Speaker 1: Superwoman KP comes on and I show up and show out. 247 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,600 Speaker 1: But what is that costing me? 248 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:16,359 Speaker 2: I think that is the reality for so many black women. 249 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,119 Speaker 2: And so let's just go ahead and dive into the 250 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:26,280 Speaker 2: five characteristics of Black Superwoman's Syndrome or BSS. And honestly, 251 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:27,920 Speaker 2: many of us are going to be like, oh, yeah, 252 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,840 Speaker 2: that's my life. Like I've been there, done that, right. 253 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:39,200 Speaker 2: So the first is an obligation to manifest strengths. I'm 254 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 2: just sitting with that. I got it, I could do it. 255 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,240 Speaker 2: Don't worry about it. I don't need help, you know 256 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:54,440 Speaker 2: what I mean? Exactly, yeah, exactly. The second one. 257 00:17:55,920 --> 00:18:01,920 Speaker 1: An obligation to suppress emotions. Well, I just gave those examples, right, 258 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:07,080 Speaker 1: those obligations to suppress emotions, right, but I mean even 259 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:09,400 Speaker 1: in our code of the day, like thinking about that 260 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:15,320 Speaker 1: of so my partner is mistreating me, and I'm expected 261 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:20,760 Speaker 1: to not show sadness around that, or anger or hurt 262 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:24,080 Speaker 1: or whatever whatever the emotion is, I'm expected to suppress it. 263 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:29,200 Speaker 2: And then we have resistance to being vulnerable or dependent. 264 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,639 Speaker 2: That kind of goes in line with what we've been 265 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:33,400 Speaker 2: sharing already. 266 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, that narrative that we have to be the independent 267 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:42,680 Speaker 1: woman m H, that we can't lean on anyone else, 268 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:47,600 Speaker 1: we don't need support. We got this, and then the 269 00:18:47,680 --> 00:19:00,640 Speaker 1: determination to succeed despite significantly limited resources. So I'm showing 270 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:09,000 Speaker 1: up at school. I'm a new college student, and I'm 271 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:17,040 Speaker 1: expected to have all my books, pay for my housing, 272 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:21,680 Speaker 1: like be ready, I'm pre mad, and I'm taking all 273 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:29,240 Speaker 1: these classes that require extra supplies, and I'm expected to 274 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:33,240 Speaker 1: have all of those things. And if I don't have 275 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:39,000 Speaker 1: all of those things, I still have to succeed. I 276 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:43,120 Speaker 1: still have to pull an A in all of my classes. 277 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:49,160 Speaker 1: Even if let's say that in order to pay for school, 278 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:56,919 Speaker 1: I have to work, So I'm expected to work that 279 00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:02,320 Speaker 1: job and show up for all my classes. And even 280 00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:05,800 Speaker 1: if I don't have access to all of the resources necessary. 281 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:09,440 Speaker 1: I still have to pull an a in all my classes. 282 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,560 Speaker 2: Can we dive into this in a little deeper because 283 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 2: I want to know what you think about this. So 284 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,600 Speaker 2: when I look at determination to succeed, I think that's 285 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,960 Speaker 2: a good thing. It's like, I'm good, I'm determined to 286 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,760 Speaker 2: succeed even if I have linted resources. But I think 287 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:26,359 Speaker 2: there's like an ask turk here where it's like, even 288 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,240 Speaker 2: if you're jeopardizing your health and wellness, right, because it's like, 289 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:32,480 Speaker 2: are you pulling these all nighters? Are you now taking 290 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,520 Speaker 2: away from some aspect of your mental health in order 291 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,680 Speaker 2: to succeed? Because I know many of us are super determined, 292 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,200 Speaker 2: and we're like, Okay, you know, I have this limited 293 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,359 Speaker 2: amount of resources, I'm going to. 294 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,040 Speaker 1: Make it work. 295 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,840 Speaker 2: But when it begins to become a detriment to our health, 296 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:49,480 Speaker 2: which oftentimes it does, right, because we're sacrificing. I know 297 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:52,040 Speaker 2: there are plenty of days where I've you know, worked 298 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:53,520 Speaker 2: super hard, and I looked up and I was like, oh, 299 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,760 Speaker 2: I've worked for five hours and I didn't eat anything. Okay, 300 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,720 Speaker 2: well that's a problem, you know what I mean? Determinations 301 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,199 Speaker 2: is cool. Determination is cool, but it's like, but you 302 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,680 Speaker 2: ain't eat nothing, You know what I mean? 303 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,919 Speaker 1: I ate? So what do you think? I agree that 304 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:11,040 Speaker 1: having determination is necessary to succeed, but I agree with 305 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:16,440 Speaker 1: you that yes, that asterisk of it shouldn't be negatively 306 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,439 Speaker 1: affecting your mental health or your physical health. 307 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,400 Speaker 2: Hey lady, it's Terry here and I want to interrupt 308 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,919 Speaker 2: the conversation quickly with an exciting opportunity. If you're a 309 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 2: busy woman trying to manage many hats, you need to 310 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:33,240 Speaker 2: know about Asauna. 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You'll walk away feel the inspired by 321 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:19,119 Speaker 2: speakers but also with practical steps to tune out distractions 322 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,920 Speaker 2: and find your own focus and flow. All right, lady, 323 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,600 Speaker 2: let's dive back into the conversation. 324 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,119 Speaker 1: But the other piece that I would also add to 325 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:31,879 Speaker 1: that is that's also a signal that there's an institutional 326 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,600 Speaker 1: or organizational problem. Right, So I think about that college 327 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:42,320 Speaker 1: student that's showing up and doesn't have access to the resources. Well, 328 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,439 Speaker 1: why don't they have access to the resources? Did you 329 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 1: expensive university bring in this student who couldn't really afford 330 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:55,600 Speaker 1: to be here without providing them with the resources that 331 00:22:55,640 --> 00:23:01,200 Speaker 1: they need to succeed? Oh you X y Z organization? 332 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:07,040 Speaker 1: Did you decide to hire this employee not based on 333 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:11,440 Speaker 1: their excellent skills, but because you were trying to fulfill 334 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:16,000 Speaker 1: a diversity higher and put them in a position that 335 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,920 Speaker 1: was not geared towards really making them succeed. 336 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:24,600 Speaker 2: Okay, now that's a good question, and in a lot 337 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,280 Speaker 2: of cases, I think that is the problem there. Right, 338 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,840 Speaker 2: you're not even set up for success, and we're expected 339 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,160 Speaker 2: to put on that superwoman case at that point, Right, 340 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,320 Speaker 2: So we're brought into these situations and we're expecting to 341 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:38,920 Speaker 2: put on the cap and. 342 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:41,720 Speaker 1: Make miracles happen. 343 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 2: Ooh mm, hmm hmm. I'm just thinking about all these 344 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:49,000 Speaker 2: situations that either I've experienced or women that I know, 345 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:52,879 Speaker 2: and I'm just like, wow, that is definitely the case. Well, 346 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,840 Speaker 2: that takes us to our last one, which is an 347 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:59,960 Speaker 2: obligation to help others. We're always trying to help somebody, 348 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:04,480 Speaker 2: which is not a bad thing per se, but when 349 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,399 Speaker 2: you are not taken care of and your cup is 350 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:11,640 Speaker 2: not overflowing to feel someone else's and it's like, hmm, 351 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,480 Speaker 2: you know, because I think sometimes I saw this meme 352 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,760 Speaker 2: actually the other day, and I resonated with this so 353 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,680 Speaker 2: deeply down So I'm gonna try to paint that picture 354 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:21,920 Speaker 2: for you since we don't have a visual right here. 355 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:26,639 Speaker 2: So it said me trying to advocate for myself, and 356 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,639 Speaker 2: it was like this little cat, this little meek, timid 357 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,120 Speaker 2: sort of cat, right, that was like trying to advocate 358 00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:35,800 Speaker 2: for themselves. And then it said me trying to advocate 359 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,560 Speaker 2: for others, and it was like this big lion, and 360 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,720 Speaker 2: I was like, oh, I so resonate with that deeply 361 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,040 Speaker 2: because it's like when it comes to helping someone else 362 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:46,000 Speaker 2: or doing something on their behalf, Oh, I'm ready to 363 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 2: I'm ready to turn up, let's get it, let's let's 364 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,040 Speaker 2: let's get some results. 365 00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:50,320 Speaker 1: Right. 366 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,159 Speaker 2: But historically, when it was just me that I was 367 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,600 Speaker 2: advocating for, it's like, oh, I don't need to do 368 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,960 Speaker 2: all that. Oh it'll be okay, like you. 369 00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:58,360 Speaker 1: Know what I mean. 370 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,639 Speaker 2: So a whole different type of energy when it comes 371 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:05,159 Speaker 2: to doing for yourself compared to what you're willing to 372 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,600 Speaker 2: do for others. And I think that when there's that disconnect, 373 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,160 Speaker 2: I think that is problematic. But again, if you are 374 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,760 Speaker 2: good and you've helped yourself and your cup is full 375 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:17,160 Speaker 2: and now you're pouring to other people from your overflow, okay, 376 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,400 Speaker 2: we good money, right right? 377 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,560 Speaker 1: Right? I mean I think about that. I love that 378 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:25,600 Speaker 1: visual that you gave because of it, I get it. 379 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,639 Speaker 1: I totally get it. And then I think about it 380 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 1: also from the standpoint of being at a job where 381 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:42,480 Speaker 1: your health is being compromised, right, or your cup isn't 382 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:48,480 Speaker 1: overflowing as you point out, yet you don't set the 383 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:54,720 Speaker 1: boundaries for yourself, or you don't walk away because you're 384 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:59,320 Speaker 1: concerned about other people, right like you're wanting to if 385 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:04,440 Speaker 1: you leave. The thought is if you lean, who's gonna 386 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,960 Speaker 1: advocate for them? Who's going to be their lion, right, yes, 387 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:12,720 Speaker 1: when really your cup is depleted, Your cup is empty, 388 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:19,280 Speaker 1: but yet you're feeling this obligation to show up and 389 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,040 Speaker 1: care for the other folks. 390 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,320 Speaker 2: So that means you have either an empty cup or 391 00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:27,399 Speaker 2: a cup with a couple little droplets in it, and 392 00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,399 Speaker 2: you're trying to give those little droplets to other people. 393 00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:32,159 Speaker 2: So really you're not even helping as much as you 394 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,199 Speaker 2: could really help if you were overflowing. Because when you 395 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:38,840 Speaker 2: are helping from a place of overflow, it's abundant. I 396 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,479 Speaker 2: just got chills right now, just just visualizing that, Like 397 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,119 Speaker 2: it's abundant. But when you're trying to scrape up or 398 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:47,240 Speaker 2: spoon up that little bit of drops, little ghetto droplets 399 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,720 Speaker 2: you got at the bottom, it's like it's not enough 400 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,399 Speaker 2: those ghetto droplets, y'all. We gotta fill our cup. 401 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:57,479 Speaker 1: Okay, you can't getting ghetto droplets, yes, just trying to 402 00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:00,800 Speaker 1: scrape those little bit that's left doing it. 403 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:04,960 Speaker 2: All right, Dom, Well, we have a lot more to 404 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,080 Speaker 2: talk about here, so we should just dive right into 405 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:12,000 Speaker 2: the detrimental effects we talked about. Okay, Black Superwoman syndrome, 406 00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:15,240 Speaker 2: what it is, how we've seen it manifest but why 407 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,480 Speaker 2: is it important for us not to put that cake on? 408 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,160 Speaker 2: Because there are some effects here. 409 00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:23,760 Speaker 1: Well, lady, the biggest one that I can think of 410 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:30,240 Speaker 1: is this statistic that Black women between the ages of 411 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:36,639 Speaker 1: forty five and fifty five are biologically seven and a 412 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:41,480 Speaker 1: half years older than white women of the same age. 413 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:51,080 Speaker 1: So I'm gonna say that again. So biologically black women 414 00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:54,720 Speaker 1: are seven and a half years older than white women 415 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,200 Speaker 1: of the same age. So what that means is that 416 00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:03,480 Speaker 1: while on the outside we might look young because of 417 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:12,359 Speaker 1: our melonen, on the inside we're cracking, right, We are 418 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:19,879 Speaker 1: looking way older on the inside because of this superwoman 419 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,640 Speaker 1: cape that we are wearing. 420 00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:25,320 Speaker 2: I'm not even gonna lie down. I was thinking the 421 00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:27,639 Speaker 2: Superwoman cape all the stress that comes with it. I 422 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,240 Speaker 2: think about the women that I know between those ages 423 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:33,040 Speaker 2: who are like raising or who have raised their kids, 424 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:35,920 Speaker 2: who are now like in the second realm of motherhood, 425 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,720 Speaker 2: raising their grandkids or someone else's kids to help out. 426 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,680 Speaker 2: But then I think about racism as well, and I 427 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,680 Speaker 2: think we definitely have to add racism into that because 428 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:45,880 Speaker 2: all that we experience is black people. I think about 429 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,400 Speaker 2: what's happened recently in the news that we're not even 430 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:51,080 Speaker 2: going to dive into, but just how stressful it is 431 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:55,560 Speaker 2: to have black family, your black son, your black you know, 432 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:59,080 Speaker 2: loved ones who are out there in the streets, and 433 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:04,160 Speaker 2: it's just stressful, you know, it is, it is. 434 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:08,000 Speaker 1: And I think that that's an excellent point that there 435 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:12,680 Speaker 1: are a number of external factors that are affecting our health, 436 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,719 Speaker 1: right and so to me, then it goes to one 437 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:19,560 Speaker 1: of my favorite phrases of focus on what we can control. 438 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:28,120 Speaker 1: And so while we can't control the racism and the 439 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:34,520 Speaker 1: killing of our black sons and daughters, we can control 440 00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:39,840 Speaker 1: the superwoman case. And we'll talk about ways to deal 441 00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:43,400 Speaker 1: with that in a moment. But what are some other 442 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:46,640 Speaker 1: detrimental effects we have? 443 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:54,600 Speaker 2: Increased depression, decrease sleep, stress, and interpersonal or romantic relationships. 444 00:29:57,360 --> 00:29:59,920 Speaker 1: I mean all of those right there. You know, Tea, 445 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:03,600 Speaker 1: you already know how I feel about sleep. Yeah, we 446 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:06,560 Speaker 1: got us sleep like our life depends on it, because 447 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:12,040 Speaker 1: it literally does. That. Getting six to eight hours of 448 00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:15,960 Speaker 1: sleep a night is a must for our health. You 449 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:19,880 Speaker 1: want to reverse that extra seven and a half years 450 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:22,400 Speaker 1: that's on your life between forty five and fifty five, 451 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:24,120 Speaker 1: Get your sleep. 452 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:28,120 Speaker 2: And the last one they're don was postponement or elimination 453 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,640 Speaker 2: of healthy self care or like non existent, like did 454 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:33,800 Speaker 2: it ever even exist? Like were you ever taking care 455 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:35,960 Speaker 2: of self? And not saying that in a judgmental way, 456 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:39,840 Speaker 2: but like many of us were not raised to care 457 00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:44,040 Speaker 2: for ourselves, you know. So we want to go over 458 00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:47,160 Speaker 2: tips for black women to put down their capes, tips 459 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,440 Speaker 2: to support black women in your life, and then down 460 00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:53,200 Speaker 2: we also are trying to share our experiences. What should 461 00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:54,600 Speaker 2: we dive into next? Because I know we may have 462 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,360 Speaker 2: to jump into the after show to continue the conversation. 463 00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:58,760 Speaker 2: So where should we go? Lady? 464 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:03,440 Speaker 1: I think want to know how to put down those cakes, right, 465 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:06,080 Speaker 1: because they've been listening to us talk about why it's 466 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:10,840 Speaker 1: not good. Right. Yeah, but it's like if y'all are 467 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,640 Speaker 1: like me, then you're wondering, Okay, well how do I 468 00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:17,959 Speaker 1: do this? How do I put this down? Because for 469 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:23,560 Speaker 1: a while I carried that right and I still carry 470 00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:27,120 Speaker 1: it to some extent. Okay, there's a lot of things 471 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:30,240 Speaker 1: that I've been over these this last year or so 472 00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:33,640 Speaker 1: that I have been intentional about so that I can 473 00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:36,240 Speaker 1: reverse that right, so that I can make sure that 474 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:40,400 Speaker 1: that superwoman Kate stays down. So it's a work in progress. 475 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:42,840 Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, I love it. 476 00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:51,680 Speaker 1: But here's the first tip. Okay, set boundaries right, be 477 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:56,360 Speaker 1: clear on what your boundaries are, set them, and then 478 00:31:56,440 --> 00:32:03,720 Speaker 1: uphold them. So I'll use work as an example. If 479 00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:09,920 Speaker 1: you work a traditional nine to five, set boundaries around 480 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:15,680 Speaker 1: your email and answering work calls. Right. You can say, 481 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:21,840 Speaker 1: after my workday is done, like after hours, i am 482 00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:28,200 Speaker 1: not checking email. Whatever is happening can wait until I'm 483 00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:32,400 Speaker 1: technically back on the clock. If my job is to 484 00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:37,440 Speaker 1: work Monday through Friday, then Saturday and Sunday, I am 485 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:43,680 Speaker 1: not checking email, it can wait. And if it's an emergency, 486 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:48,560 Speaker 1: they can call you. So set those boundaries. 487 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:52,600 Speaker 2: Don That is a great example. I feel like work 488 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:56,320 Speaker 2: and family are two that black women can really relate to, 489 00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:58,960 Speaker 2: and so I want to add an example to the 490 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,440 Speaker 2: work example that you can and provide a family example 491 00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:03,440 Speaker 2: because I think many of us can also relate to 492 00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:06,880 Speaker 2: this one too. So having you know, basically raised my 493 00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:09,680 Speaker 2: four younger siblings. A lot of times when I was 494 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:12,320 Speaker 2: younger or like in my I would say early twenties, 495 00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,760 Speaker 2: a lot of the decisions that I made were based 496 00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:18,520 Speaker 2: on my proximity to them and the availability that I 497 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:20,480 Speaker 2: had to them. So when I was trying to think 498 00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:22,280 Speaker 2: of where I wanted to move, I was like, Okay, 499 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:23,840 Speaker 2: I don't want to move too far because I want 500 00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:25,000 Speaker 2: to be able to go home and help and do 501 00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:26,760 Speaker 2: this and do that for them. And so that was 502 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:29,440 Speaker 2: really my life for a long part of my life 503 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:31,960 Speaker 2: is like helping and making sure I was there for them. 504 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:32,280 Speaker 1: Now. 505 00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:35,120 Speaker 2: When let's say about six years ago or so, when 506 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,240 Speaker 2: I my husband and I were debating on if we 507 00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:39,520 Speaker 2: wanted to move to California, it was a bit of 508 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:41,760 Speaker 2: a challenge for me mentally at first because I was like, 509 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:43,200 Speaker 2: oh my gosh, that means I'm going to be really 510 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,120 Speaker 2: far away from my siblings were on the East Coast, 511 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,880 Speaker 2: and so what I had to do being that parentified 512 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:52,360 Speaker 2: parent Over time, I worked on setting a boundary and 513 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:55,760 Speaker 2: like becoming their sister versus this mother figure for them, 514 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,720 Speaker 2: because I showed up very differently in each of those instances. 515 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:02,240 Speaker 2: And so my boundary was when they call me with 516 00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:05,000 Speaker 2: an issue, which they do, I'm showing up in a 517 00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:08,440 Speaker 2: different way. So instead of coming into the situation like, oh, 518 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,040 Speaker 2: I got to solve this, I gotta send you some money, 519 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:11,799 Speaker 2: I gotta do this, I gotta help it. I gotta 520 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:15,319 Speaker 2: do this now. I'm listening. I'm empowering them to tap 521 00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,760 Speaker 2: into other resources. But I have to realize I can't 522 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,040 Speaker 2: be mom and I can't be as involved as I 523 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:24,120 Speaker 2: was before because it's not healthy for me. Right. Yes, 524 00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:26,440 Speaker 2: so that can sometimes be tough. You can feel like 525 00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:30,320 Speaker 2: you're leaving your family. But I find that the healthier 526 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:32,960 Speaker 2: I am, the more I can help them find their 527 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:36,040 Speaker 2: own solutions or tap into their own resources so that 528 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:37,960 Speaker 2: I'm not doing the heavy lifting. And that was a 529 00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:40,719 Speaker 2: really difficult thing to do. Dominant took a lot of time, 530 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:44,080 Speaker 2: But setting that boundary allows me to now show up 531 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:46,640 Speaker 2: for my child in a different way because I'm not 532 00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:49,520 Speaker 2: trying to mother other children, if that makes sense. 533 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:54,880 Speaker 1: Yes, I love that example. That is an excellent example. 534 00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:57,359 Speaker 1: I think also because I can relate to it as well. 535 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:04,240 Speaker 1: It is a beautiful, a beautiful example. So our next 536 00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:11,120 Speaker 1: tip is delegate responsibilities. And I think about several years ago, 537 00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:13,440 Speaker 1: I had this idea that we needed to have a 538 00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:19,640 Speaker 1: family reunion. And because I had the idea, I thought 539 00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:22,520 Speaker 1: that that meant okay, well, I'm going to plan it 540 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:25,600 Speaker 1: all out, I'm going to coordinate every I'm doing all 541 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:30,280 Speaker 1: of it right. And one of the biggest things lessons 542 00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:33,640 Speaker 1: that I've had to learn in life in terms of 543 00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:38,640 Speaker 1: putting down that Superwoman Kate, is that I don't have 544 00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:42,160 Speaker 1: to take it all on, even though it was my idea. 545 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:48,400 Speaker 1: I can delegate responsibilities to other people. I can say, okay, 546 00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:52,400 Speaker 1: all right, family member over here, you are great with 547 00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:57,120 Speaker 1: the technology, so you create the website. Right, family member 548 00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,920 Speaker 1: over here, you know the travel agent, so you coordinate 549 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:04,400 Speaker 1: all the things related to our travel. And so, just 550 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:08,480 Speaker 1: to be completely transparent, there were a couple of weddings 551 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:10,880 Speaker 1: and some other stuff that came up, so the family 552 00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:16,480 Speaker 1: reunion ended up not happening, and so I ended up 553 00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:21,840 Speaker 1: not having to do that. But the lessons that I 554 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:27,120 Speaker 1: learned leading up to that process really was about I 555 00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:30,319 Speaker 1: don't have to carry this all on my own, that 556 00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:34,080 Speaker 1: I can delegate things to other people. 557 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:36,120 Speaker 2: I love that example. 558 00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:36,319 Speaker 1: Dom. 559 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:39,799 Speaker 2: I feel like many of us can relate to situations 560 00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:42,840 Speaker 2: in our family where we may have a bunch of responsibilities, 561 00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:45,600 Speaker 2: so delegate, and people tend to like to help. I 562 00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 2: know you're probably like, well, I know this one person 563 00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:49,239 Speaker 2: they lazy in the family, Well, don't ask them, ask 564 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:51,400 Speaker 2: other people. There are people who you know, if you 565 00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:54,359 Speaker 2: get interested in what their their gifts are, they can 566 00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:57,520 Speaker 2: definitely help. So I love that example. Next we have 567 00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:01,399 Speaker 2: show yourself love and compassion, And for me, this kind 568 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:04,080 Speaker 2: of speaks to letting yourself feeling the emotions that you 569 00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:06,799 Speaker 2: might feel just in your daily life as you fill 570 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:09,600 Speaker 2: them without judgment. It makes me think about self care 571 00:37:09,719 --> 00:37:13,600 Speaker 2: as well, and then also compassion. Now dom having just 572 00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:17,680 Speaker 2: had a baby and adjusting to my new body, I 573 00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:20,560 Speaker 2: right now I am still my body's still healing, right, so 574 00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:24,120 Speaker 2: I still have my little pregnancy pudge or like postpartum pudge, 575 00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:25,960 Speaker 2: I guess you could call it. I have some new 576 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,600 Speaker 2: tiger stripes on my body and my tummy I got 577 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:31,160 Speaker 2: a little jiggle jiggle on the belly, and so one 578 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:32,640 Speaker 2: of the things that I do it is a bit 579 00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:35,319 Speaker 2: of an adjustment to look in the mirror. And I 580 00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:37,839 Speaker 2: saw my body pre pregnancy, it looked a certain way. 581 00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:42,040 Speaker 2: During pregnancy, my stomach got so big and I'm pretty fatigue, right, 582 00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:44,560 Speaker 2: my summa got pretty huge. And then now I postpart 583 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:47,560 Speaker 2: and it's like another adjustment. And so literally when I 584 00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,040 Speaker 2: oil my belly and wrap my belly daily, which is 585 00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:53,839 Speaker 2: my practice, I'm thanking my body for doing what it did, 586 00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:56,160 Speaker 2: because it's still an adjustment. So I'm looking like, oh gosh, 587 00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:58,080 Speaker 2: is it going to look like this forever? But as 588 00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:00,799 Speaker 2: far as the love and compassion, I think that me 589 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:04,279 Speaker 2: putting down the cape is me letting go of the 590 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:06,800 Speaker 2: snapback culture right and thinking that, oh, I got a 591 00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:08,960 Speaker 2: snapback right to having a baby. No, I'm just going 592 00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:12,759 Speaker 2: to be gentle and kind and offer my self love 593 00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:16,439 Speaker 2: and compassion and think my body every time. I owe 594 00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:18,440 Speaker 2: my belly for doing what it did to bring this 595 00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:21,120 Speaker 2: baby into the world and having a healthy pregnancy and 596 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,240 Speaker 2: an amazing labor and delivery, all that good stuff. 597 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:23,480 Speaker 1: Right. 598 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:26,160 Speaker 2: So I think that's also how it can look when 599 00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:28,200 Speaker 2: we show our self love and compassion. 600 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:31,840 Speaker 1: I'm with you on that. I think that was a 601 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:38,440 Speaker 1: beautiful example. And then also thinking too about showing ourselves 602 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:42,560 Speaker 1: the same love and compassion that we show other people 603 00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:48,240 Speaker 1: in our lives, recognizing that oftentimes we tend to be 604 00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:54,000 Speaker 1: kinder and gentler towards others than we are to our 605 00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:57,640 Speaker 1: own self, and so taking that same energy that you 606 00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:01,000 Speaker 1: show up with for other folks and turning it and work. 607 00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:08,399 Speaker 2: Hey to the men. Number four is end toxic relationships. 608 00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:12,879 Speaker 2: Can I tell you how amazing it is to let 609 00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:14,120 Speaker 2: go of the toxic people? 610 00:39:14,239 --> 00:39:14,319 Speaker 1: Like. 611 00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:17,200 Speaker 2: One thing we need to remember is people that started 612 00:39:17,239 --> 00:39:19,440 Speaker 2: off with you are not always going to be in 613 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,680 Speaker 2: your life forever. Sometimes they will, which is great, right, 614 00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:25,920 Speaker 2: But if someone's energy is not conducive to good mental health, 615 00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:29,399 Speaker 2: to support and love and all that good stuff, let 616 00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:32,120 Speaker 2: them go, you know, especially if they're bringing you down 617 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:34,040 Speaker 2: and you have a conversation with them and they're not 618 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:37,640 Speaker 2: willing to meet you halfway or change those behaviors, you 619 00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:39,880 Speaker 2: gotta let them go. Now. I want to pass it 620 00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:41,440 Speaker 2: to you, but I want to share a quick example. 621 00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:43,560 Speaker 2: I had a friend a couple of years ago who 622 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,799 Speaker 2: would joke around and be like, hey, ugly. And I 623 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:48,400 Speaker 2: know some people might be like, okay, cool. I do 624 00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:50,799 Speaker 2: that with my friend too, but coming from someone who 625 00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:54,720 Speaker 2: struggled with low self esteeming depression and who's very mindful 626 00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:57,400 Speaker 2: of the words that they use being me, I'm mindful 627 00:39:57,400 --> 00:39:59,600 Speaker 2: of the words that I use with myself. I told 628 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:02,160 Speaker 2: her I didn't like that, and I thought, I think 629 00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:04,279 Speaker 2: she thought I was joking because I told her about 630 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:06,839 Speaker 2: like a good three to five times and she kept 631 00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:09,680 Speaker 2: saying it so finally I said, boom, if you keep 632 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:12,600 Speaker 2: on using that language where you talk to me, I'm 633 00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:14,279 Speaker 2: literally I'm not going to talk to you like. I 634 00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:16,759 Speaker 2: do not approve of that. That's not cool to me. 635 00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:19,319 Speaker 2: I don't like it at all. And here's the reason why. 636 00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:21,640 Speaker 2: And she finally got the pictures like, oh okay, yeah 637 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:24,600 Speaker 2: you're serious. Yeah, so I didn't have to cut her 638 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,080 Speaker 2: off because she changed her behavior. But to me, that 639 00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:30,360 Speaker 2: was very toxic because of my history with the word, 640 00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:33,319 Speaker 2: with my feelings of myself and all that stuff. So 641 00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:36,600 Speaker 2: in toxic relationships. 642 00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:39,959 Speaker 1: I couldn't have said it better. Yes, in that shit. 643 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:43,839 Speaker 1: And then and then the last one I think kind 644 00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:48,440 Speaker 1: of ties into like delegating responsibilities and setting boundaries, but 645 00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:55,440 Speaker 1: and also showing yourself love and compassion. Is asking for support, right, 646 00:40:55,920 --> 00:41:01,799 Speaker 1: So whether that means asking for a babysitter to come 647 00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:05,359 Speaker 1: because you're feeling overwhelmed with childcare, right and you need 648 00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:09,680 Speaker 1: a break, or if that means I need to find 649 00:41:09,719 --> 00:41:12,160 Speaker 1: a therapist because I need to have the space to 650 00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:16,359 Speaker 1: process all the shit that I'm dealing with, or if 651 00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:20,040 Speaker 1: that means calling up your girlfriends and saying, hey, we 652 00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:22,920 Speaker 1: haven't talked in a while. Let's catch up so that 653 00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:26,880 Speaker 1: we can celebrate one another or you know, uplift one 654 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:29,120 Speaker 1: another because maybe one of us is going through it 655 00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:34,680 Speaker 1: but just being willing to ask for support. 656 00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:39,040 Speaker 2: Speaking of asking for support, Dom the baby's hungry, So 657 00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,520 Speaker 2: I think we should hop into the after show, and lady, 658 00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:44,239 Speaker 2: you can join us in the after show because life 659 00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:46,400 Speaker 2: is calling. We're talking about the Superwoman cape. That's all. 660 00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:48,799 Speaker 2: I got to put down the cape. And I'm going 661 00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:50,919 Speaker 2: to hop on over to Patreon, So if you visit 662 00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:55,360 Speaker 2: our website, herspacepodcast dot com, click on Wisdom Wednesday withitary 663 00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,799 Speaker 2: Patreon at the top and join us for the after show, 664 00:41:57,800 --> 00:41:59,680 Speaker 2: where we're going to talk about tips to support the 665 00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:02,359 Speaker 2: black women in your life, and Don and I will 666 00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:05,960 Speaker 2: talk about our experiences of putting down the Superwoman k 667 00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:08,160 Speaker 2: But before we head out, Doma's going to go ahead 668 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:10,880 Speaker 2: and do a quick recap on the tips that we covered. 669 00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:18,200 Speaker 1: Yes, so tip number one, set boundaries, Tip number two, 670 00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:28,080 Speaker 1: delegate responsibilities, number three, show yourself love and compassion, number 671 00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:35,920 Speaker 1: four in toxic relationships, and number five ask for support. 672 00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:39,440 Speaker 2: All right, lady, we'll see you in the after show. 673 00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:43,400 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, it's doctor Dom here from the Cultivating her 674 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:47,160 Speaker 1: Space podcast. Do you have a burning question you're dying 675 00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:50,880 Speaker 1: to get feedback on. Do you want an unbiased perspective 676 00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:56,240 Speaker 1: on a situation you're facing. If so, visit cultivatinghirspace dot 677 00:42:56,280 --> 00:43:01,040 Speaker 1: com and click ask doctor Dom under the start here option. 678 00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:04,960 Speaker 1: Every Tuesday, I'll choose a few questions and answer them 679 00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:11,200 Speaker 1: at random. You thanks for joining us today. Please note 680 00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:15,840 Speaker 1: that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice, 681 00:43:16,480 --> 00:43:20,720 Speaker 1: self empowerment, and mental health, but is by no means 682 00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:24,600 Speaker 1: meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship 683 00:43:24,920 --> 00:43:28,680 Speaker 1: with a trained mental health provider. If you are someone 684 00:43:28,719 --> 00:43:32,080 Speaker 1: you know is in need of mental health care, please 685 00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:37,319 Speaker 1: visit a Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today or 686 00:43:37,360 --> 00:43:39,040 Speaker 1: contact your insurance provider. 687 00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:41,600 Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 688 00:43:41,600 --> 00:43:46,200 Speaker 2: the conversation going, visit our website cultivatingherspace dot com and 689 00:43:46,320 --> 00:43:48,840 Speaker 2: be sure to click the Patreon tab to get access 690 00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:53,719 Speaker 2: to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show and 691 00:43:53,800 --> 00:43:56,959 Speaker 2: before we meet again repete after me. I am doing 692 00:43:56,960 --> 00:44:00,600 Speaker 2: the best I can with the understanding knowledge and awareness 693 00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:02,080 Speaker 2: I have at this moment.