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Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's the Velvet's

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Speaker 1: Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson, certified holistic chef.

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Speaker 2: Laura Lee Bryant is here. Hi, Laurle Hi, how are you.

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Speaker 2: I'm good. I was just saying to you, this is

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Speaker 2: like sort of like a little catch up for us.

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Speaker 2: We've known each other for a really long time. Back

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Speaker 2: in the blog days. Is how I think that you

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Speaker 2: and I got connected. There was ll Balanced and I

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Speaker 2: had Velvet's Edge, the blog, and we used to go

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Speaker 2: to like blog events together back in the day.

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Speaker 3: Yes, it's like blog retreat. That was definitely the height

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Speaker 3: of all of that.

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Speaker 2: I feel like we were bloggers before everyone was a blogger,

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Speaker 2: and so now it feels a little oversaturated. But back

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Speaker 2: in the day, you guys that are listening, when we

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Speaker 2: had these blogs, it was like, I don't know, it's

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Speaker 2: like the heyday. We got to go to all these

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Speaker 2: cool events. We would go on these trips together. It

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Speaker 2: was so fun.

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Speaker 3: Was fun. No, I kind of missed that, but yeah,

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Speaker 3: but this was long overdue.

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Speaker 2: Yes what we were saying, because we haven't had a

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Speaker 2: time to catch up since then. Both of us, I

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Speaker 2: think have kind of gone through similar experiences, and it's

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Speaker 2: just that stage of our life as women, where your

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Speaker 2: thirties and into your forties, I think you're really figuring

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Speaker 2: out your path, your purpose, you are, and all of

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Speaker 2: those important factors into that and what makes you you.

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Speaker 2: So back when I knew you and you had ll

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Speaker 2: balanced in a couple cookbooks under your belt, life seemed

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Speaker 2: pretty picture perfect on the outside. I mean, I feel

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Speaker 2: like you had this very successful career, you were married,

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Speaker 2: there were all these things that I think anyone looking

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Speaker 2: in would be like, this girl's got it figured out.

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Speaker 2: And then since then, and I know this now from

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Speaker 2: reading the new book, but some things have shifted and

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Speaker 2: it sounds like life took a turn. So can you

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Speaker 2: kind of do a little care obsession with me now

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Speaker 2: and maybe give the listeners a little backstory because I

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Speaker 2: think this will lead into what you are doing now.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Absolutely, So. You know, I met my ex husband

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Speaker 3: when I was twenty seven, which isn't that young, but

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Speaker 3: the reality was when I met him, I had just

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Speaker 3: graduated from culinary school, and besides knowing that I wanted

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Speaker 3: to do this like food stuff, I really had no

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Speaker 3: idea who I was. I mean, all of this is

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Speaker 3: in retrospect. I didn't realize that this at the time,

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Speaker 3: but I really didn't know who I was. And the

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Speaker 3: truth is, he really did, like he was very consistent

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Speaker 3: about who he was and what he wanted from the beginning,

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Speaker 3: and as we you know, we had a really quick engagement.

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Speaker 3: It all kind of happened relatively quickly, and I think

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Speaker 3: as I grew up, kind of alongside the relationship and

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Speaker 3: the marriage, I started to get to know myself and

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Speaker 3: realize that even so he'd been really consistent, I was

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Speaker 3: actually a very different person than I was trying to be.

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Speaker 3: And I felt very sure that the version of myself

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Speaker 3: that I was getting to know, which was my more

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Speaker 3: authentic self, was not going to be compatible with like

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Speaker 3: big life things that he wanted versus what I wanted.

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Speaker 3: And that was a excruciating revelation. And it also, you know,

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Speaker 3: it doesn't happen overnight, So I think it was one

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Speaker 3: of those things where as my career grew that really

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Speaker 3: sort of catalyzed getting to know myself better. But it

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Speaker 3: also meant that it was behind the scenes, I was

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Speaker 3: realizing more and more that the relationship that I was

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Speaker 3: in wasn't the right fit, and you know, there was

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Speaker 3: a lot of shame about that, but at the end

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Speaker 3: of the day, was it was definitely the right decision,

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Speaker 3: I think for both of us. But that's kind of

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Speaker 3: what was going on behind the scenes, and I was

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Speaker 3: just trying to pretend like everything was still great.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, why do you think we do that as when?

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Speaker 2: Because I think that's a big thing. I mean, was

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Speaker 2: it the beginning of your career taking off, or just

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Speaker 2: the idea like being in the South, you know, divorce

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Speaker 2: is bad or anything like that, Like what do you

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Speaker 2: think the message is going through your head where at

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Speaker 2: that time?

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Speaker 3: I definitely think there is a lot of stigma around

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Speaker 3: divorce for sure, and I, you know, was aware enough

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Speaker 3: that part of being an influencer. Again, it's not like

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Speaker 3: these were things I was musing over in a really

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Speaker 3: specific way at the time. But again, looking back, I

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Speaker 3: can see that I think on a semi conscious level,

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Speaker 3: I was afraid of what it would mean because I

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Speaker 3: knew so many people in my community thought I had

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Speaker 3: it all together. Because we are taught as women, especially

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Speaker 3: in the South, that this is the right thing and

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Speaker 3: this is what you're supposed to do, and it's a

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Speaker 3: huge problem if that somehow is not a good fit

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Speaker 3: for you. So I think I was swallowing that shame

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Speaker 3: in a lot of ways, and I also was really

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Speaker 3: scared of what it would mean for, you know, every

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Speaker 3: aspect of my life. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I think that's one of the things that people underestimate

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Speaker 2: about the influencing culture just in general, is like when

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Speaker 2: you make your life kind of the storyline for your

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Speaker 2: business in some capacity, when that life starts to shift,

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Speaker 2: it's very uncomfortable to navigate because you're doing it in

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Speaker 2: front of a lot of people.

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Speaker 3: M hm. Oh yeah. Yeah. I've had to make that

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Speaker 3: mistake three times, three times hearing about the relationships before

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Speaker 3: I learned my lesson. But you know, yeah, it is.

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Speaker 3: It's tricky, and I think I think that right after

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Speaker 3: my divorce, I still refused to really face what I

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Speaker 3: was experiencing. I think because I really felt like it

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Speaker 3: was the right decision. I mistook that for being healed

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Speaker 3: from it, or being okay. I wasn't okay. I wasn't healed.

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Speaker 3: But because I felt like, Okay, this is the right thing,

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Speaker 3: I confused the two and I really tried to just

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Speaker 3: barrel ahead for a while, even through my second book,

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Speaker 3: through all of that pain and what was going on,

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Speaker 3: you know, below the surface, and try to keep my

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Speaker 3: personal and professional life kind of separate in terms of

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Speaker 3: how my work showed up, and eventually I really hit

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Speaker 3: that rock bottom.

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Speaker 2: Well, talk me through a little bit of the patterns

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Speaker 2: you started to recognize in yourself, because I resonate with

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Speaker 2: everything you just said, and I feel like a lot

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Speaker 2: of times when we do the barrel forward, it does

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Speaker 2: feel good kind of in the moment, because it's like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: I'm good. It's like this like reassurance to yourself, like no,

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Speaker 2: this is fine, that was the right decision, this is good.

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Speaker 2: I can keep moving, I can do this. But you

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Speaker 2: said there was a lot that you were kind of

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Speaker 2: keeping under the surface. So what did that look like?

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Speaker 2: And then what were some of the patterns that you

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Speaker 2: started to recognize within yourself as you kept barreling forward.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely. I think even though I had had the

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Speaker 3: awareness that while my ex husband was very consistent and

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Speaker 3: thorough you know, throughout that I was of the one

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Speaker 3: who was changing and growing and learning and wasn't particularly consistent,

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Speaker 3: that I was aware of what that actually meant and

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Speaker 3: what I then wanted and needed and what was right

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Speaker 3: for me that I didn't know. I just knew, okay,

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Speaker 3: that wasn't that wasn't the right fit. And I think

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Speaker 3: it was more of what's not versus what is. And

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Speaker 3: so the pattern really that I noticed was simply that

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Speaker 3: I was just attracting relationships that weren't compatible for me,

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Speaker 3: that weren't right for me at all, whatever the reasoning is,

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Speaker 3: and it's because I still didn't really know who I

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Speaker 3: was or what I wanted in a romantic relationship. I was,

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Speaker 3: I had a much clearer idea of who I am

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Speaker 3: as a business woman, who I was when it came

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Speaker 3: to food. All of that felt really solid. And again

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Speaker 3: I think I confused that with my personal inner identity.

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Speaker 3: And unfortunately it did take you know, going through just

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Speaker 3: an excruciatingly sad heartbreak for me to finally say something

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Speaker 3: has to change. I have to actually stop and investigate

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Speaker 3: this rather than just the numbing and the you know,

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Speaker 3: full steam ahead.

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Speaker 2: So what does that look like when you have that realization,

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Speaker 2: like you hit a bottom if you want to call

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Speaker 2: it that, or you go through another heartbreak, What what

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Speaker 2: did that look like for you? In those days after

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Speaker 2: that like, did you you know, how do you find yourself?

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Speaker 2: I guess is what I'm asking Ultimately, Yes.

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Speaker 3: So after my divorce, I honestly and part of the

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Speaker 3: reason it was such a tough time was because I

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Speaker 3: was just again pushing the feelings down and covering it

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Speaker 3: up with While I was writing a healthy cookbook, I

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Speaker 3: was covering it up with eating just not eating well

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Speaker 3: at all, drinking way too much, not taking care of myself.

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Speaker 3: Like I am all about indulgences in moderation, but I

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Speaker 3: was really not eating. I was eating just like mostly

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Speaker 3: sugar and fast food. I mean, things I would never

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Speaker 3: have recommended in the quantities that I was having them.

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Speaker 3: So I did that after my divorce. That was my

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Speaker 3: numbing and coping. Those are my numbing and coping devices,

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Speaker 3: plus I think being a workaholic. But the breakup that

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Speaker 3: I had, it was February of twenty twenty one, and

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Speaker 3: I had actually moved out of my ex boyfriend's house

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Speaker 3: in a snowstorm at night, and over the course of

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Speaker 3: three hours, I moved into an airbnb with a girlfriend,

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Speaker 3: and I just was so beyond devastated that even those

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Speaker 3: numbing and coping devices just weren't they weren't cutting it.

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Speaker 3: And the thing is, yes, I was grieving that most

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Speaker 3: recent relationship, but I was also grieving my marriage, like

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Speaker 3: I was grieving all of the things that I hadn't

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Speaker 3: faced yet. So it was a culmination of a lot,

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Speaker 3: and it was to the point where I just realized

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Speaker 3: that I needed to take a different approach and actually

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Speaker 3: have a holistic approach, much like I've had with food

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Speaker 3: to heartbreak, which I I've never I've never studied that before.

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Speaker 3: I'd never heard of that before. And so I started

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Speaker 3: working with a coach and I was learning some of

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Speaker 3: these some mindset tools. But I also knew. I just knew, Okay,

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Speaker 3: I can't do the kinds of exercise that I used

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Speaker 3: to because I can tell it's dysregulating my nervous system.

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Speaker 3: I can't eat the kind of things I've been eating.

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Speaker 3: It's just making me feel so much worse. I can't

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Speaker 3: socialize the way I've been socializing. It's making everything worse.

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Speaker 3: And so then I was like, Okay, but then what

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Speaker 3: do I replace that with.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so interesting because as I'm listening to talk,

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Speaker 2: I'm thinking just about our culture in general, that it

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Speaker 2: is kind of the way that we look at life

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Speaker 2: like we want it to just be pretty on the outside.

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Speaker 2: And so you're sitting here, you're saying, you're writing this

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Speaker 2: book that's like all about holistic healing through food and

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Speaker 2: how to take care of yourself. Yet behind the scenes,

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Speaker 2: your life didn't look like that. But it's almost like

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Speaker 2: people don't care or like until we actually embrace it.

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Speaker 2: Ours like people just want the pretty picture. And so

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Speaker 2: a lot of times, I think the pressure we put

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Speaker 2: on ourselves is to just do that at any cost.

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Speaker 2: And what I hear you saying is like, no, what

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Speaker 2: I realized is like that was like slowly killing me.

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Speaker 2: And I wasn't living in an authentic place either. So

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Speaker 2: was there like a breakthrough moment when things just like

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Speaker 2: kind of came to light for you?

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Speaker 3: I think it really was that next morning when I

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Speaker 3: woke up in the Airbnb. I mean, it was just

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Speaker 3: it was a level of pain that I hadn't experienced,

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Speaker 3: and it was just it was definitely one of my

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Speaker 3: darkest moments, and I think that was you know, I

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Speaker 3: think a lot of the time, change doesn't happen in

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Speaker 3: an instant, but I really do feel like in this situation,

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Speaker 3: even though I took a lot of steps, and it

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Speaker 3: took a lot of work and repetition and practice. I

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Speaker 3: do think that morning I immediately knew I have to

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Speaker 3: do something different. I really did in that time, and

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Speaker 3: you're so right. One of the other greeting processes that

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Speaker 3: I've had to do in the last few years since

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Speaker 3: that time has been in realizing that understandably, you know,

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Speaker 3: Instagram in particular is a very voyeuristic platform by nature,

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Speaker 3: you know, and that's how it developed. Ten years ago.

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Speaker 3: Was at least a lot of my engagement. I think

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Speaker 3: a lot of it was for food, and I think

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Speaker 3: people do did like my food, do like my food,

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Speaker 3: but I do think a lot of it was that,

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Speaker 3: you know, it's like semi attainability, that perfect life, that aspirational,

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Speaker 3: you know, perspective. And I from that day on, one

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Speaker 3: of the many changes that I made was I promised

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Speaker 3: myself I will never share a relationship publicly again, you know,

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Speaker 3: pictures or specifics or anything like that. And I also

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Speaker 3: just generally decided to be much more private and be

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Speaker 3: in my life a lot more. And that has been

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Speaker 3: for my mental health incredibly, just healing. But it has

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Speaker 3: also meant that I've lost a lot of engagement over

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Speaker 3: eight years, and that's like that's a bummer, you know, totally.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I feel like you're telling my story because

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Speaker 2: it's so similar. I just have gone through the same thing.

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Speaker 2: And I've actually heard so many other if you want

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Speaker 2: to call them, quote unquote influencers or whatever we were,

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Speaker 2: you know, or whatever that is called back in the day.

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Speaker 2: But like I do think from a mental health perspective,

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Speaker 2: as a culture, maybe it was the COVID pandemic or

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Speaker 2: just that that feels like a lot of people kind

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Speaker 2: of hit some sort of realization during that time because

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Speaker 2: of that or because of other things happening in their life.

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Speaker 2: But like we need more of the real now, which

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Speaker 2: is I think what you hit too, was like I

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Speaker 2: have to find some middle ground between the way I'm

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Speaker 2: living my life and then the work that I'm doing.

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Speaker 2: Like there it has to be cohesive through my life.

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Speaker 2: And I feel that too, and keeping some things for

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Speaker 2: ourselves as sacred private things, you know, because we've lived

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Speaker 2: in this culture that was just kind of making everything

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Speaker 2: in life a storyline, which is good if things are good,

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Speaker 2: but man, when things are bad, it's not so pretty.

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Speaker 2: That is it.

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Speaker 3: That's it. Whenever I feel that, you know, disappointment of

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Speaker 3: I wish I had, you know, a faster growing community,

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Speaker 3: I wish I had just more interaction in general, I

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Speaker 3: just always go back to the fact that, yes, the

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Speaker 3: highs are high, but the lows are so so low,

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Speaker 3: and would I wouldn't trade it for a day. Well,

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Speaker 3: let's talk.

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Speaker 2: Let's switch into what you are doing now, because you

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Speaker 2: did hit such a really dark season of your life,

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Speaker 2: but now it seems like it's brought you to maybe

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Speaker 2: one of the brightest moments of your life. You have

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Speaker 2: a new book called Recipes for an Aching Heart, Healthy

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Speaker 2: and Easy Meals to help you heal from grief, loss,

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Speaker 2: or the stress of everyday life. So you've really taken

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Speaker 2: your pain and turned it into this passion for helping

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Speaker 2: other women go through breakups or divorces and really like

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Speaker 2: what that means psychologically and what the healing process can

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Speaker 2: look like. So can you talk to us a little

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Speaker 2: bit about when the shift happened for you into this work.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean truly it was. It kind of all

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Speaker 3: happened right after that breakup because while I was working

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Speaker 3: learning some of these mindset tools from a coach. I

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Speaker 3: also was making a lot of actual lifestyle shifts. I

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Speaker 3: didn't know the science behind it right away, but I

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Speaker 3: was really listening to my body, and I could tell

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Speaker 3: when I was activated in my nervous system, dysregulated, when

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Speaker 3: something that normally might have been energizing was really depleting.

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Speaker 3: And so I kind of started writing down, like all

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Speaker 3: these these things that I was naturally shifting over to

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Speaker 3: instead of what I'd been doing. And then as I

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Speaker 3: implemented that and time went on, I actually it was

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Speaker 3: so successful. It was it was such a powerful healing experience,

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Speaker 3: and I mean in my body, but actually most importantly

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Speaker 3: in my mind, because it's all really and it was

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Speaker 3: very much like twelve years ago when I started studying

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Speaker 3: holistic food. I remember for the first time reading the

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Speaker 3: work of a woman named Kimberly Snyder back in twenty twelve.

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Speaker 3: And Kimberly, Yeah, no one knows about her. She was

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Speaker 3: the generation before us.

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Speaker 2: Gosh, yeah, she was OG.

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Speaker 3: She was the OG. And I remember she was the

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Speaker 3: first person who was talking about the relationship between food

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Speaker 3: and mental and emotional health. And it was such an aha,

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Speaker 3: very much like what I experienced two years ago, which

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Speaker 3: is this aha of when we are grieving, we cannot

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Speaker 3: separate that from what we normally do and try to

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Speaker 3: again just move through the world in the same way

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Speaker 3: when you are really grieving and when you are in

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Speaker 3: that state of particularly when your brain is perceiving a

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Speaker 3: breakup as a rejection, which by the way, it can

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Speaker 3: do even if you were the one who ended it,

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Speaker 3: you can still perceive it as a rejection when you're

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Speaker 3: in that space. What I say to my clients is

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Speaker 3: they're literally in a different like time space continuum. They're

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Speaker 3: on fire, they're tired and wired. They're not living this

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Speaker 3: in the same world that the rest of us are

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Speaker 3: living in. So I wanted to create a protocol that

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Speaker 3: basically builds a world to help them heal inside and out,

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Speaker 3: even when the rest of the world around them isn't

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Speaker 3: honoring what they're going through to the extent that they

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Speaker 3: really need. And so just started studying it. I started

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Speaker 3: studying the work of Pmlody, doctor Helen Fisher, Elizabeth Koopler Ross,

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Speaker 3: the book Attached by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine, and

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Speaker 3: I created this and a lot of actual, you know,

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Speaker 3: scholarly articles, scientific journals and really came up with a

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Speaker 3: psychological and physiological set of tools, sets of tools that

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Speaker 3: I then use for my clients that I now take

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Speaker 3: them through.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean you're mentioning first of all, people that

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Speaker 2: I love P Melody, I mean all of these people too.

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Speaker 2: Even the book attached like it's all talking about I think,

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Speaker 2: you know, attachment in general and relationships is such a

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Speaker 2: big topic in our culture. So a lot of people

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Speaker 2: know about that, but so much of that is like

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Speaker 2: about regulating your nervous system. So what are the connections

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Speaker 2: between food and what we consume or what we don't consume?

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Speaker 2: Because I know when I'm going through grief, I have

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Speaker 2: such a hard time eating in general, Like that becomes

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Speaker 2: very difficult for me because I feel so like physically

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Speaker 2: nauseous because my nervous system is like so disregulated. So

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Speaker 2: what did you find with the connections between this holistic

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Speaker 2: diet or you know, eating plan and regulating your nervous system?

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Speaker 3: Definitely, I would say, you know specifically, So let me

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Speaker 3: say too, when a client comes to me, I can

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Speaker 3: tell pretty quickly through a thirty minute call if we're

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Speaker 3: a good fit. And I know someone's a good fit

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Speaker 3: if they are probably going to fall into the buckets

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Speaker 3: of anxiously attached or tend towards that they again perceive

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Speaker 3: the breakup as a rejection, even if they initiated it.

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Speaker 3: They're very disregulated. They have these looping, obsessive thoughts, and

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Speaker 3: all of those things tell me, and this is pretty

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Speaker 3: much always the case, that they're probably not going to

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Speaker 3: have much of an appetite again. They're going to feel

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Speaker 3: like they're on fire. Everything is painful, everything's hard. Sometimes

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Speaker 3: they may vacillate from that into numbness a little bit,

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Speaker 3: but either way, they're probably nothing sounds good to them.

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Speaker 3: Not only does nothing sound good to them food wise,

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Speaker 3: but when they do get a little bit hungry, they

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Speaker 3: may crave something that's so not what they would normally. Ever,

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Speaker 3: I mean for me personally, and I've seen this with

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Speaker 3: several clients. I have a huge sweet tooth, but when

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Speaker 3: I am grieving, when I'm in that particular, that much

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Speaker 3: of a disregulated state, the idea of something sweet makes

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Speaker 3: me nauseous. All I want is salt. If I'm going

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Speaker 3: to eat something, I want it to be salty. So

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Speaker 3: what I do is say, Okay, this is the state

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Speaker 3: that they're in the stage of grief that they're in.

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Speaker 3: What is going on with their digestion, because it affects

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Speaker 3: your immune system, your gut, my I grow biome, It

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Speaker 3: affects your adrenaline and your cortisol. It affects your neuro transmitters.

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Speaker 3: In the beginning of a breakup. Again, for my specific client,

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Speaker 3: they have a lot of dopamine because they are often

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Speaker 3: still their brain is in the protest phase, the chase,

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Speaker 3: the I can fix this, I can get them back,

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Speaker 3: and so again, cortisol and adrenaline are through the roof,

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Speaker 3: which may also lessen appetite. So there's a lot of

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Speaker 3: things that are contributing to that. Plus their digestion is

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Speaker 3: just more sensitive. So whereas you know, on a normal day,

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Speaker 3: quote normal I might offer them, I might say, yeah, sure,

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Speaker 3: your usual lunch of this salad with mixed screens and

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Speaker 3: all these raw veggies and nuts and seeds and dried fruit.

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Speaker 3: Maybe that's super healthy quote healthy for you normally. But

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Speaker 3: that's not going to go down well. So let's focus

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Speaker 3: on things like if you're gonna have vegetables cooked or

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Speaker 3: blended into a smoothie or a soup, let's you know,

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Speaker 3: be really liquefying the diet as much as possible. Let's

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Speaker 3: check in with your taste buds. Actually might sound good,

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Speaker 3: and we keep it as simple but nutrient dense as possible.

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Speaker 3: And then as time goes on, what I tend to

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Speaker 3: find is they move into more of the clinic. When

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Speaker 3: I say depression, that's Elizabeth kou Koubleros's depression, not clinical depression.

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Speaker 3: So the depression stage, which leads into the acceptance stage.

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Speaker 3: As we do all this work on their mind, which

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Speaker 3: is really where the change happens, what then results in

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Speaker 3: their body is their appetite increases, and this is where

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Speaker 3: they might tend to find. Cravings come in hot one

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Speaker 3: because they've probably been deprived for a while. It's just

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Speaker 3: really hard to get the amount of calories and nutrition

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Speaker 3: that you need when you have absolutely no appetite. So

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Speaker 3: the hunger comes back with a vengeance. And then we

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Speaker 3: start to see because they're losing some of that dopamine,

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Speaker 3: dopamine decreases, then their brains might start looking for that dopamine,

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Speaker 3: which may come in the form of hyper palatable foods.

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Speaker 3: So that's when all of a sudden they extra want,

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Speaker 3: you know, the fast food and the sugary food and

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Speaker 3: the carbe crunchy, all of that, and so we have

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Speaker 3: to come up with healthier alternatives of their favorite cravings.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so interesting to hear you talk about the

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Speaker 2: science behind it, because what I do think that I

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Speaker 2: started to realize, like going through a deep grief is

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Speaker 2: like you don't want to eat, like you're saying, you

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Speaker 2: don't have this appetite, But when you don't take care

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Speaker 2: of yourself, it's such a spiral effect into so many

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Speaker 2: different things. Like you mentioned gut health, I think it

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Speaker 2: really can affect your sleep as well, and so there's

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Speaker 2: all these other physical things happening to you and all

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Speaker 2: you can really think sometimes when you're in that deep

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Speaker 2: of grief is like getting out of bed feels so

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Speaker 2: difficult and like you're exhausted. So I love this idea

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Speaker 2: of like, no, we really still have to nourish our bodies,

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Speaker 2: Like the importance of nourishing our bodies through that time.

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Speaker 3: Yes, definitely, And you're so right. I mean it extends

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Speaker 3: so far beyond you know, gut and appetite. It really

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Speaker 3: can be sleep and fog and just just like you said,

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Speaker 3: the most basic simple tasks can feel insurmountable, and so

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Speaker 3: a lot of the work I do with my clients

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Speaker 3: is helping them through some of these thoughts that you

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Speaker 3: know that they're having of I'm lazy or you know,

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Speaker 3: I can't get it together. We do a lot of

433
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,280
Speaker 3: work on those things, and also we just kind of

434
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,119
Speaker 3: clear out the clutter and say what needs to be

435
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,760
Speaker 3: done now. So I am a huge fan of becoming

436
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:26,600
Speaker 3: a no person. I talk about this in the book

437
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,680
Speaker 3: I have. In the beginning of the book I did,

438
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,320
Speaker 3: there's a section called how to Mend an aching Heart.

439
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,119
Speaker 3: And obviously it's not a one size fits all, but

440
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:38,439
Speaker 3: some of those lifestyle shifts are so massive because, like

441
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,359
Speaker 3: you said, just everything is.

442
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:44,679
Speaker 2: A victory totally. And I don't think that many of

443
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,720
Speaker 2: us know any of these holistic tools because I think

444
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,760
Speaker 2: the way society present that is like either get up,

445
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,119
Speaker 2: get up and get back out there kind of mentality,

446
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:56,119
Speaker 2: or you know, drink your way through it, or just

447
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,640
Speaker 2: keep moving through work like you were saying, And there

448
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:03,280
Speaker 2: isn't this moment to act healthily processed feelings, which is so,

449
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,080
Speaker 2: so so important because if you don't get it out,

450
00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:06,600
Speaker 2: like you're just going to take it with you into

451
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,679
Speaker 2: something else is what I've learned at least.

452
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:14,359
Speaker 3: Oh for sure, whates the book The Body Keeps the Score. Yeah,

453
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:18,120
Speaker 3: it does so true. And also, you know, one thing

454
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:22,359
Speaker 3: I really believe very strongly is that time doesn't heal

455
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:28,040
Speaker 3: all wounds. Time lessens the acuteness of how often you

456
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:31,480
Speaker 3: are experiencing it day to day, but it stays in

457
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:34,359
Speaker 3: your in your nervous system and your brain, and so

458
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:36,880
Speaker 3: you know, I think that's one of the reasons why

459
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:40,399
Speaker 3: interestingly this actually surprised me. I would say at least

460
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,520
Speaker 3: half of my clients went through their breakup or divorce

461
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:47,600
Speaker 3: over a year ago, several of them three four years,

462
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:49,080
Speaker 3: because it stays.

463
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:51,919
Speaker 2: Yeah, and sometimes I don't know that we're ready to

464
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,760
Speaker 2: work through it right away because the pain is just

465
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,320
Speaker 2: too immense, and so it just takes time, but it

466
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:57,840
Speaker 2: will stay with you. So the only way at is

467
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:04,000
Speaker 2: three is what I always say. But you've mentioned a

468
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,960
Speaker 2: couple times when you're working with a client, So talk

469
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:08,719
Speaker 2: us through some of the work you're doing now, like

470
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:11,399
Speaker 2: as a holistic coach, what does a session like you

471
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,239
Speaker 2: look like, with a session with you look like? And

472
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:15,560
Speaker 2: that process.

473
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,960
Speaker 3: Absolutely so specifically, I am a holistic breakup coach. So

474
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:24,119
Speaker 3: I am not a relationship coach by any means. That

475
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,040
Speaker 3: is not my area of expertise. But what I specifically

476
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:30,920
Speaker 3: specialize in is I have this thirty minute compatibility call

477
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,000
Speaker 3: where I get to know, Okay, are we a good fit?

478
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,400
Speaker 3: And like I said, now after about eight months, it's

479
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,399
Speaker 3: been about eight months of working with clients, I can

480
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,760
Speaker 3: tell pretty quickly if someone is a good fit for me.

481
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,280
Speaker 3: If someone comes to me and they say I went

482
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:44,360
Speaker 3: through a breakup or a divorce and it's just hurting,

483
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 3: but I know that I'm really clear that this was

484
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:50,440
Speaker 3: the right thing, and I can tell they don't need

485
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:53,600
Speaker 3: to pay me, they don't need me. Yeah, I only

486
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:58,400
Speaker 3: work with someone who their brains are going completely out

487
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:02,400
Speaker 3: of control. They can't stop the self blame, the self criticism,

488
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:05,520
Speaker 3: the what if I'd just done this one thing differently,

489
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:09,119
Speaker 3: all of that kind of talk. Because I can also

490
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,120
Speaker 3: see in their bodies the way that they show up

491
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,280
Speaker 3: if they need the kind of work that I do.

492
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:17,480
Speaker 3: So once I decipher if someone is a good fit,

493
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:19,800
Speaker 3: then we start working together. And you know, when I

494
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,439
Speaker 3: first started this, I had a more traditional kind of

495
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 3: coaching style of saying, hey, you pay me this amount

496
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,639
Speaker 3: of money for six weeks a couple months, but I

497
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,840
Speaker 3: really this time goes on. That wasn't the right fit

498
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,640
Speaker 3: for me or my clients because they're all in different stages.

499
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:38,520
Speaker 3: So I work with people minimum three sessions because we

500
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,400
Speaker 3: do need to move the needle. But after three sessions,

501
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,320
Speaker 3: it's completely up to them. It's much more like a

502
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,919
Speaker 3: sort of therapist approach. But what I do is and

503
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,919
Speaker 3: I actually require all of my clients to work with

504
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,840
Speaker 3: a therapist as well. And my whole program was vetted

505
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,520
Speaker 3: by a licensed therapist. It was co created with her.

506
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,639
Speaker 3: And like I said, everything is pulled from research in

507
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,320
Speaker 3: science or I say, this is my personal opinion. But

508
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,639
Speaker 3: what I do is I take women, and particularly I

509
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,320
Speaker 3: only work with women who are in that sort of

510
00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:10,240
Speaker 3: brain on fire, can't stop obsessing and looping, and we

511
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:15,480
Speaker 3: create peace and closure and clarity, and we give them

512
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,840
Speaker 3: the tools. I give them the tools to not only

513
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,960
Speaker 3: kind of get over the pass and what happened and

514
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:24,480
Speaker 3: understand their relationship blueprint is what I call it, but

515
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,040
Speaker 3: tools that they can then take into their next relationship.

516
00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:30,159
Speaker 3: So I am the middleman. I'm not there, you know,

517
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:34,640
Speaker 3: helping them when the relationship is falling apart. Definitely can't

518
00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:37,160
Speaker 3: speak to that, and I'm not there when they are

519
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,920
Speaker 3: dating someone new and you know, getting into a new relationship.

520
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,240
Speaker 3: I usually take them up to the point where they

521
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:46,320
Speaker 3: have one to two first dates, usually on an app

522
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 3: and we do the work to establish, you know, what

523
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,359
Speaker 3: their wants and needs and boundaries are, and then I

524
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,600
Speaker 3: kind of send them off into the world.

525
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:57,240
Speaker 2: And then the book is called Recipes for an Aching Heart,

526
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 2: which we've mentioned a couple of times, but you do

527
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:02,719
Speaker 2: break down your story and then you also give a

528
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,879
Speaker 2: lot of like daily insight tips into you know, just

529
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,840
Speaker 2: some of the ways that you regulate your nervous system

530
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,680
Speaker 2: through the day, some of the things you've learned through

531
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:14,200
Speaker 2: the process of your healing work. Can you give us

532
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:17,040
Speaker 2: a couple of the just the big guys of like

533
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,240
Speaker 2: the ones that you find the most important that you

534
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:20,240
Speaker 2: mentioned in this book.

535
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:23,639
Speaker 3: Totally, I think one of the best things that you

536
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:25,880
Speaker 3: can do. Some people tend to have a harder time

537
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:28,399
Speaker 3: at night, some people in the morning, but I really

538
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:31,920
Speaker 3: think coming up with a grief specific morning routine is

539
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,520
Speaker 3: one of the most important parts. If you can start

540
00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:39,000
Speaker 3: the day as regulated as possible, because reality hits us

541
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,600
Speaker 3: when we come out of dreamland, and often we're dreaming

542
00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:45,120
Speaker 3: about our ex anyway, but reality hits us. And so

543
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:47,840
Speaker 3: one of the best things you can do. Some things

544
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:50,600
Speaker 3: it's all you know, what works for you, But things

545
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:54,760
Speaker 3: like learning some deep breathing like box breathing exercises, learning

546
00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 3: some really simple meditation that works for you, getting immediate

547
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:02,120
Speaker 3: sunlight outside, making sure you're hydrated, a little bit of

548
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,360
Speaker 3: caffeine if you're a caffeine person, but making sure that

549
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:08,320
Speaker 3: you're very you're limiting your caffeine intake. And then specifically

550
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:10,520
Speaker 3: with my clients, I can't get it, it was too

551
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:13,000
Speaker 3: much to get into in the book, but I do

552
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 3: specific writing exercises, these kind of thought repatterning exercises as

553
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,600
Speaker 3: part of their morning routine. So that's a really big one.

554
00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 3: And then just some other things to think about are

555
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,160
Speaker 3: again taking a look at, Okay, here's my normal, quote

556
00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:28,360
Speaker 3: healthy routine, and here are the things that usually make

557
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:31,200
Speaker 3: me feel good. And then instead of just doing those

558
00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:34,000
Speaker 3: because it's what you've been doing, asking yourself, does this

559
00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:36,640
Speaker 3: feel like it's serving me? So maybe you're someone who

560
00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:39,560
Speaker 3: normally loves a various boot camper an f forty five class,

561
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:42,040
Speaker 3: But that's probably not the best fit because that's a

562
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:46,120
Speaker 3: that's a huge stressor so shifting to you know, especially

563
00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 3: if you can get outside, but walking, hiking, yoga, pilates,

564
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,840
Speaker 3: all of that can make a huge, huge difference. This

565
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:57,720
Speaker 3: is also a time as much as possible, I'm not

566
00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:00,720
Speaker 3: anti distractions. I think there's a there's a healthy place

567
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,200
Speaker 3: for you know, Netflix during this time. But this is

568
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,800
Speaker 3: a great time to look at your calendar and say

569
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:09,080
Speaker 3: what can what's what can I say no to? What

570
00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:11,720
Speaker 3: has to be done? And with some of my clients

571
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:15,560
Speaker 3: will even come up with these must lists where these

572
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:17,400
Speaker 3: are the things that on a daily basis have to

573
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:21,040
Speaker 3: get done, taking medication, taking care of a child, and

574
00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:25,000
Speaker 3: then like a bi weekly or a monthly list, paying bills,

575
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,640
Speaker 3: you know, in getting your car inspector whatever it is

576
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 3: that's on your color and the rest of it, honestly

577
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:34,920
Speaker 3: is probably needs to go by the wayside.

578
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 2: For a while. Yeah, Yeah, for sure. I love the

579
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,160
Speaker 2: idea of turning pain into purpose. And so much too

580
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:41,880
Speaker 2: of what I hear you saying, even with when you're

581
00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 2: working with your clients is really developing that relationship with self,

582
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:46,760
Speaker 2: you know, and I think a lot of times as

583
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:48,959
Speaker 2: women we miss that as well. It's kind of like

584
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:51,480
Speaker 2: you get on the fashtack to building a career or

585
00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 2: whatever it is, and then you end up in this

586
00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:55,280
Speaker 2: point in your life where you're like, who am I?

587
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,000
Speaker 2: What am I doing? Do I even like this? So

588
00:30:58,040 --> 00:30:59,640
Speaker 2: I want to know what does it feel like to

589
00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:02,760
Speaker 2: you now, because I do think you've taken your life

590
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:06,240
Speaker 2: experience and really gotten to know yourself as well, and

591
00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:08,800
Speaker 2: now you've kind of connected that to the work you're

592
00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,360
Speaker 2: doing with this book. You have recipes for an aching heart,

593
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,920
Speaker 2: so it goes back to your you know, your culinary

594
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,200
Speaker 2: stuff as well, and so what does that feel like

595
00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:17,440
Speaker 2: to be so integrated?

596
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:22,800
Speaker 3: It feels amazing. I mean, it feels absolutely amazing. I

597
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:26,440
Speaker 3: think it has, you know. So when I look at

598
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:28,840
Speaker 3: the different books and even my second book, you can

599
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 3: see kind of the stages of it. And you make

600
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,400
Speaker 3: such a good point. I think what I'm hearing you

601
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,480
Speaker 3: say kind of underneath that is that for a lot

602
00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 3: of women, there was either never a true identity cultivated

603
00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:43,600
Speaker 3: because we are taught to be chameleons and pleasers, and

604
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:48,080
Speaker 3: often our trauma response is a fond response. That's really

605
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,760
Speaker 3: common with women, or we've lost our identity because we've

606
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 3: been it's been subsumed by the person that we're in

607
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:56,720
Speaker 3: relationship with. And I'm not even saying it's not that

608
00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:59,960
Speaker 3: person's fault, per se, it's that again, we are taught

609
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:02,880
Speaker 3: as women, if someone's going to change, it's got to

610
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 3: be us, right, If someone's going to do the work,

611
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,640
Speaker 3: it's going to be us. If someone needs to twist

612
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:10,240
Speaker 3: themselves in a pretzel and we're all doing it silently

613
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:12,640
Speaker 3: and subtly, we're going to be the ones to twist

614
00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:15,520
Speaker 3: ourselves into a pretzel. And that's why I think this

615
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:18,000
Speaker 3: has been such a healing experience for me, because it

616
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:21,720
Speaker 3: has really allowed me to create a much more true

617
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:25,280
Speaker 3: and authentic, while malleable, I mean, we get to change right,

618
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:28,560
Speaker 3: but authentic sense of myself. And I see that so

619
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:31,320
Speaker 3: much in this book. This book is just it's just

620
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,960
Speaker 3: like looser. It's less strict. There's even you know, my

621
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,600
Speaker 3: first book, which I love so much, it is so

622
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:41,200
Speaker 3: by the book healthy everything is dairy free and gluten

623
00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:45,000
Speaker 3: free and cashew cheese and nutritional yeast and datata. And

624
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,840
Speaker 3: that's just not how I live my life anymore, I

625
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:51,680
Speaker 3: am someone who really does I Kelly, I feel like,

626
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:55,600
Speaker 3: ten years into Laury balanced, this is the first time

627
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,920
Speaker 3: where I genuinely feel like I'm living a balanced lifestyle

628
00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:00,680
Speaker 3: after doing this for a decade.

629
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:04,320
Speaker 2: Is yeah, yes, Well, I just love that you're being

630
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 2: so honest about that journey because I feel like, you know,

631
00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:09,520
Speaker 2: as I, like I said, as I hear you start talking,

632
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:11,920
Speaker 2: I'm like, yes, this is what I went through as well,

633
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,640
Speaker 2: And it is so difficult because I think we just

634
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,680
Speaker 2: have so much comparison on social media and just out

635
00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:19,920
Speaker 2: there in general. So I love that you're bringing the

636
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,880
Speaker 2: honest story to your work life and public life and

637
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:25,600
Speaker 2: putting that out there. And I also love the work

638
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:29,680
Speaker 2: that you're doing because I feel like teaching each of

639
00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:31,840
Speaker 2: us and like, you know, women in general is like

640
00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:33,720
Speaker 2: we've been talking about women's I'll keep it on women.

641
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:36,440
Speaker 2: But like the fact that it's okay to grieve and

642
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:38,680
Speaker 2: that it's a process and to feel the feelings. I

643
00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:41,320
Speaker 2: think that's such we do each other such a disservice

644
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:44,240
Speaker 2: when we don't talk about all of that and what

645
00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:47,040
Speaker 2: goes into that, because it is a it is a process,

646
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:50,320
Speaker 2: and it can be a beautiful process on the other side,

647
00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:53,280
Speaker 2: like you're I think experiencing and perfect proof of but

648
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:56,040
Speaker 2: without the tools and without maybe even the help or

649
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Speaker 2: insights it, it doesn't happen that way. It's just not

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Speaker 2: talked about. So I really love what you're doing. Thank

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Speaker 2: you for being here with us. Where can people find

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00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:08,400
Speaker 2: you if they want to either work with you or

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00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,479
Speaker 2: just keep up with you on social media things like that.

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Speaker 3: Yes, well, thank you so much for having me, and

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Speaker 3: I would love to connect with anyone who might you know,

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00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:19,480
Speaker 3: resonate with some of the things I shared. You can

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00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:22,319
Speaker 3: find pretty much all the information on my website about

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00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,080
Speaker 3: my books and my consulting. You can just go to

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Speaker 3: my consulting page book yourself right into my calendar. But

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Speaker 3: I'm also I'm on Instagram at loreally Balance, and I'm

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00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:33,400
Speaker 3: also having fun on TikTok, so I actually think TikTok

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00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:37,560
Speaker 3: information is kind of more aligned structurally with this type

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Speaker 3: of information, So TikTok as well also loreally Balanced.

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Speaker 2: Okay, and I will put all of that in a

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00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 2: description for this podcast again. The book is called Recipes

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Speaker 2: for an Aching Heart. Lourally, thank you for being here.

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Speaker 2: It was so nice to catch up with you again,

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Speaker 2: thank you, thank you so much.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,

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00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:58,279
Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a

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Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty

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Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.