Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm so grateful
Speaker 1: you're here. Whether it's your first time or you've been
Speaker 1: on this journey with me for a while. This space
Speaker 1: is for you to listen, learn and grow. If you're
Speaker 1: hear it means you're dedicated to making this year the
Speaker 1: best year of your life so far. Now, today's episode
Speaker 1: is a little different, and I'm so excited to share
Speaker 1: it with you. Instead of me leading the conversation, I'm
Speaker 1: the one answering the questions. This is a powerful discussion
Speaker 1: between me and Lisa Billu where she's interviewing me on
Speaker 1: some of the most important lessons I've learned about relationships.
Speaker 1: I love this conversation I had with her, and I
Speaker 1: felt I really wanted you to hear it. Lisa is
Speaker 1: an absolute force. She asked me really deep questions that
Speaker 1: made me really reflect and whether you've just been through
Speaker 1: a breakup, whether someone's taken advantage of you, whether you
Speaker 1: feel like someone's just led you on. This episode is
Speaker 1: for you. Thank you so much for listening. Let's dive
Speaker 1: in the number one health and wellness podcast, Shedy Jay Sheddy.
Speaker 2: So many women end up settling now, not because we
Speaker 2: want to, but because we're scared. We're scared of being alone,
Speaker 2: we're scared of starting over, We're scared that maybe this
Speaker 2: as good as we can get. But that fear is
Speaker 2: actually then just keeping us stuck. So how on earth
Speaker 2: do we start making choices based on our worth? So
Speaker 2: we never settle for less than we deserve.
Speaker 1: There's three reasons that we settle. The first is we
Speaker 1: settle because the fear of being alone is greater than
Speaker 1: the pain of being with the wrong person. We settle
Speaker 1: because the suffering we understand feel safer than the happiness.
Speaker 3: We haven't experienced yet.
Speaker 1: We settle because a part of us believes that familiarity
Speaker 1: is truth. And what I mean by that is when
Speaker 1: you've experienced mediocrity for long enough, you start to believe
Speaker 1: it's destiny. You start to believe that's the life that's
Speaker 1: been paid forward for you. But the deepest reason we settle,
Speaker 1: and it's something that you alluded to, is that we
Speaker 1: think there's someone better out there, but we don't believe
Speaker 1: they exist for us.
Speaker 3: And that's the most interesting part.
Speaker 1: We think there's someone better out there, but we don't
Speaker 1: believe they exist for us. And it's because we have
Speaker 1: such a limited, restricted view of ourselves. I don't think
Speaker 1: it's that we have low self esteem or poor self esteem.
Speaker 1: That's a part of it, But the bigger part is
Speaker 1: we don't actually realize what's possible for us, what's possible
Speaker 1: by us. And that comes because we've been told to
Speaker 1: play small, we've been told to shrink. We've had people
Speaker 1: in our life, relationships past x's, that have made us
Speaker 1: believe that if you play within the confines of these walls,
Speaker 1: that's all you're meant to be. And so I think
Speaker 1: when I think about your question, the thing that comes
Speaker 1: to mind the most to me is I want people
Speaker 1: to start by looking at their life as if they
Speaker 1: didn't have any of those scripts. If you didn't have
Speaker 1: that script, if you haven't heard those lines, where would
Speaker 1: you start.
Speaker 3: And in order to do.
Speaker 1: This, Lisa, what's interesting is you actually have to disappear
Speaker 1: from your life. Now, what I mean by that is
Speaker 1: you don't have to run away, you don't have to
Speaker 1: quit your job, you don't have to not hang out
Speaker 1: with your friends, but you almost need to sometimes stop talking.
Speaker 1: I think the reason sometimes we feel we have too
Speaker 1: many opinions in our life is because we are the
Speaker 1: wrong people the right questions? Right, we asked the right questions,
Speaker 1: like do you think this person's right for me? Do
Speaker 1: you think I should be in this relationship? Do you
Speaker 1: think this is the best I can do? But we
Speaker 1: ask them to the wrong people. And it's really interesting.
Speaker 1: We ask other people questions, but we never ask ourselves
Speaker 1: those questions. Yes, and we outsource and crowdsource these major
Speaker 1: decisions in our life. And so what I mean by
Speaker 1: disappearing is we have to take a step back. We
Speaker 1: have to shut our mouth, We have to close off
Speaker 1: a little bit and go, am I asking the right
Speaker 1: question to the right person? Or am I asking the
Speaker 1: right question to the wrong person?
Speaker 2: Okay, so break that down even more because it's so
Speaker 2: hit me when you said we ask people's opinions and
Speaker 2: then we take that on. So like, let's just take families.
Speaker 2: Because I'm Orthodox and obviously you're Indians, So our family
Speaker 2: culture is very dominant, if you will, in dictating what
Speaker 2: we should do and how we should show up. So
Speaker 2: are you saying, for instance, if we ask our parents, hey,
Speaker 2: what do you think of my partner? They're going to
Speaker 2: come from their perspective based on what they think that
Speaker 2: you need in your life.
Speaker 1: Yes, when you ask someone a question, we think their
Speaker 1: answer is a prediction of the future, but actually it's
Speaker 1: a projection of their values. It's a projection of their insecurities.
Speaker 1: It's a projection of what they believed was possible for them.
Speaker 1: I'll give you an example. I remember a friend of
Speaker 1: mine was starting to date another girl that we knew,
Speaker 1: and when he asked all our guy friends what they
Speaker 1: thought of this girl, they all said, she's a bit dominant,
Speaker 1: she's a bit controlling. And it was really interesting because
Speaker 1: I was watching this happen. And he responded and said,
Speaker 1: I kind of like it when a woman's in charge.
Speaker 1: He said, I really like it when a woman takes
Speaker 1: the lead and he goes. She may take the lead emotionally,
Speaker 1: but I take the lead financially and she goes. I'm
Speaker 1: not threatened by that. I'm actually really comfortable about it.
Speaker 1: But all of my other guy friends were really uncomfortable
Speaker 1: about that. Now does this make them wrong in him right, No,
Speaker 1: it's just showing that we all have a different skew,
Speaker 1: we have a different priority, different take. But all of
Speaker 1: the guys were like, no, she's the worst, Like I
Speaker 1: would never date her like, don't go out with her,
Speaker 1: and he's now happily married her and they have a
Speaker 1: great relationship. Now, if he would have listened to them
Speaker 1: because he thought, wait a minute, there's seven people here
Speaker 1: that I trust and respect telling me that this woman's
Speaker 1: wrong for me, he would have made the wrong decision.
Speaker 1: And so I think so many of us don't actually
Speaker 1: base our decisions on even our self worth or our
Speaker 1: self awareness or our self knowledge. We base it on
Speaker 1: other people's insecurities. And if you're making big decisions based
Speaker 1: on other people's little insecurities, you're setting yourself up for
Speaker 1: a big failure because you may move away from someone
Speaker 1: who's so close to being the right person for you.
Speaker 2: Oh God, that's so true. Okay, So if you assess
Speaker 2: this is their belief, this is their opinion, how do
Speaker 2: you then do your words disappear inwards so that you
Speaker 2: can start to listen to your own intuition. And then
Speaker 2: what if that intuition is saying I don't want you
Speaker 2: to be alone, Because that's the second thing. It's like
Speaker 2: there's one thing listening to external, there's a nothing listening
Speaker 2: to your own insecurities.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, you're spot on and The reason why you want
Speaker 1: to get to a point where you're only hearing your
Speaker 1: voice is one voice is easier to manage than thirty voices.
Speaker 3: Right, Like, let's just be honest.
Speaker 1: Most of us are surrounded by thirty, forty to fifty opinions.
Speaker 1: So yes, when you disappear, move away from all the opinions.
Speaker 1: The way I recommend you do that is doing a
Speaker 1: thirty day opinions fast and if thirty days is too long,
Speaker 1: try a seven day opinion fast.
Speaker 3: Right, So for seven days, any.
Speaker 1: Time you think about asking someone for their opinion, whether
Speaker 1: it's what should I wear, what should I eat? What
Speaker 1: movie should I watch? What TV show should I watch?
Speaker 1: For the next seven days, you're not allowed to ask anyone.
Speaker 1: So every time you have that inkling of oh, let
Speaker 1: me just ask Lisa what should I do? No, no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm going to ask myself first. I'm going to ask
Speaker 1: myself and I'm going to have the courage to make
Speaker 1: the decision and go out there anyway.
Speaker 3: So I'm going to resist that urge to try.
Speaker 1: If I on the outfit, take a picture, send it
Speaker 1: to a group of friends, try on the other outfit. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna make a decision, and I'm going to
Speaker 1: see what it feels like. Let's start with really low
Speaker 1: hanging fruit. Let's not do it when we're going to
Speaker 1: like the biggest part of the year or whatever it is.
Speaker 1: Do it when you're going out for movie night, picking
Speaker 1: a dinner, picking a TV show to watch. Make it
Speaker 1: really simple. Do it for the simple things. When you
Speaker 1: start doing it for the simple things, what happens you
Speaker 1: start realizing there was no right outfit, You start realizing
Speaker 1: there was no right pair of earrings. All you realize
Speaker 1: is that you start trusting your own voice inside, You
Speaker 1: start trusting your choice, or you start realizing when you
Speaker 1: could have landed a little bit, when you could have
Speaker 1: got something better, there was something that was editable. And
Speaker 1: now you've realized it's all doable. It's not life or death.
Speaker 1: So you've got to start with the small stuff. And
Speaker 1: the reason, Lisa, I say start with the small stuff
Speaker 1: is because that voice, that inner voice that you and
Speaker 1: me have, has got so quiet, it's got so weak.
Speaker 1: That's what that in a child, that in a voice
Speaker 1: is like inside of us. You can barely hear it.
Speaker 1: So that's step one, step two, Like you said, now
Speaker 1: you realize it's actually your voice. You're sitting there on
Speaker 1: your own and your voice says, I hate being alone.
Speaker 1: I hate being alone. I hate being alone. There's three
Speaker 1: things that are important when you hear the words I
Speaker 1: hate being alone. The first is, all the studies show
Speaker 1: that when we make a decision because we don't want
Speaker 1: to be alone, we pick the wrong person. All the
Speaker 1: studies show we stay with the wrong person when we're
Speaker 1: scared of being alone. And thirdly, we settle for less
Speaker 1: than we deserve. We have to realize that the person
Speaker 1: you're going to pick when you're alone is almost guaranteed
Speaker 1: to be the wrong person. You're going to accept behavior
Speaker 1: you never would. You're going to settle for language you
Speaker 1: never would, You're going to accept actions that you never would,
Speaker 1: because that's where your decisions being made. Now, that's logic,
Speaker 1: But the voice I'm being alone is not logical. The
Speaker 1: voice I'm scared of being alone is emotional. I think
Speaker 1: so many people today who are desperate and scared of
Speaker 1: being single don't realize that that pain of being single
Speaker 1: is far less than the pain of being in a
Speaker 1: relationship and wanting a divorce or a breakup. When you're
Speaker 1: in that position, you can't get out of it. It's
Speaker 1: a lot harder than the pain of will I find someone?
Speaker 1: If you've got the courage, and I really believe everyone
Speaker 1: gets to this point in their life. You have to
Speaker 1: sit with yourself and ask yourself, why why am I
Speaker 1: scared of being alone? Where did that come from? Is
Speaker 1: it because everyone in my family always told me that
Speaker 1: marriage was the pinnacle of life. Is it because all
Speaker 1: of my friends are getting engaged and proposed to Is
Speaker 1: it because I grew up in a big family and
Speaker 1: I like being surrounded by people. Is it because I
Speaker 1: don't have someone to go to movies with or I
Speaker 1: don't have someone to go out to brunch with on
Speaker 1: the weekend?
Speaker 3: What is it?
Speaker 1: And then what you do is, for each knee that
Speaker 1: you think a partner is going to solve, you find
Speaker 1: another person in your life who can solve it. So
Speaker 1: make a list, brunch, watching movies, going out, vulnerable talk.
Speaker 1: Whatever it is that you think a partner is going
Speaker 1: to provide, go and find one friend that solves it,
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, your life starts to feel full.
Speaker 3: All of a.
Speaker 1: Sudden, you're not alone anymore because you found friendship, you
Speaker 1: found connection. Now you're in a position of peace. I'll
Speaker 1: give an example. Actually, Lisa so I became Match dot
Speaker 1: COM's relationship advisor a year ago, and the goal was
Speaker 1: I wanted to create a platform where I could create
Speaker 1: my philosophy but make it practical anyway. The reason I
Speaker 1: say that is we did an event for one hundred
Speaker 1: singles in LA just two three weeks ago. Everyone came
Speaker 1: with open minds. It was really interesting. But the reason
Speaker 1: I brought it up is I was talking to people
Speaker 1: about how we have two mindsets when it comes to
Speaker 1: dating and finding love. One is we have a passive mindset,
Speaker 1: or it will happen when it happens. Oh you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not really looking for it, it will just appear.
Speaker 1: And secretly, deep down we're really scared and insecure, but
Speaker 1: we have this passive exterior.
Speaker 2: Well, because if you're passive, you're not putting yourself out there,
Speaker 2: you don't feel rejected exactly.
Speaker 1: And then the second thing we have I was telling
Speaker 1: this group is that you have a pressure filled mindset.
Speaker 3: So the pressure is, oh.
Speaker 1: My god, everyone's got engaged, Oh my god, everyone's got married,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, everyone's having kids. Oh my god, everyone's daying.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, everyone's on vacation. So now it's like desperation.
Speaker 1: How will being passive or feeling pressure ever ever attract love?
Speaker 1: Being passive doesn't attract love, Feeling pressure and desperation doesn't
Speaker 1: attract love. The state that attracts love is peace or
Speaker 1: at least it attracts a peaceful love, which is what
Speaker 1: I think we all truly want. And so if you're passive,
Speaker 1: you'll attract a neglectful love. If you're desperate, you'll attract
Speaker 1: a weak love. But if you're peaceful, to attract a
Speaker 1: peaceful love. And the reason I say this is if
Speaker 1: you were able to come up with all the reasons
Speaker 1: you don't want to be alone and find people to
Speaker 1: help with all of those feelings, you're now in a
Speaker 1: state of peace.
Speaker 3: That's why. That's the answer that works.
Speaker 2: Dude. That was so good. Okay, So let's say you've
Speaker 2: done the work that you've just laid out and you
Speaker 2: really start to go inwards. But there's also the person
Speaker 2: that ends up choosing the wrong person time and time
Speaker 2: again and becomes this toxic cycle. And I'm really curious
Speaker 2: on why on Earth sometimes we go for the person
Speaker 2: that isn't right for us and ignore the person that
Speaker 2: actually is right for us.
Speaker 3: Oh gosh, such a good question.
Speaker 1: Is Honestly, I can think of like at least five
Speaker 1: people I know that are in that position. And everything
Speaker 1: I'm about to say, I want it to be noted
Speaker 1: that I'm saying it from a place of empathy and compassion,
Speaker 1: because this is about judgment and it isn't about shame,
Speaker 1: and it isn't about guilt. Because I think often we
Speaker 1: feel that way. We're scared of actually saying this to
Speaker 1: our friends because we're scared they'll judge us and say
Speaker 1: we told you so. We're scared of telling our families
Speaker 1: because they'll say, I knew that guy wasn't right for you,
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden you feel shamed and guilted.
Speaker 1: And I always say to people, guilt blocks growth and
Speaker 1: shame blocks shifts. You're not going to get from guilt
Speaker 1: and shame to growth and shifting.
Speaker 3: It's just not going to happen.
Speaker 1: So the reason we're chasing the wrong person is because
Speaker 1: we're running away from the right person.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: We've confused inconsistency with excitement, and we've confused stability with boredom.
Speaker 1: We've confused attention with love, and we've confused effort with desperation.
Speaker 1: If someone puts in effort, we see them as being desperate.
Speaker 1: If someone puts in time, we see them as being needy.
Speaker 1: If someone turns up and shows up, we think they're
Speaker 1: the one who needs us. Because we've convinced ourselves that
Speaker 1: love is chasing someone rather than wanting someone who never
Speaker 1: wants to leave. We've convinced ourselves that this treadmill, this
Speaker 1: rat race of convincing someone to stay is what love is.
Speaker 1: And so I think the problem is we've created very
Speaker 1: unhealthy views of love. And by the way, I see
Speaker 1: this all the time. At that event that I was
Speaker 1: just talking about, one of the guys, he said to me,
Speaker 1: he said, why is it that when someone's putting effort,
Speaker 1: I feel like they're not attractive? And I said, because
Speaker 1: you're thinking about the next three to six months and
Speaker 1: not thinking about the next five to ten years. I
Speaker 1: promise you, in five to ten years, you want someone
Speaker 1: who wants to sit with you and do nothing on
Speaker 1: the couch. In five to ten years, you'll want someone
Speaker 1: who texts you every day to check in with how
Speaker 1: work is. In five to ten years, you'll want someone
Speaker 1: who when they're traveling, don't forget to call you because
Speaker 1: they want to make sure that you've checked in. But
Speaker 1: if for the first three to six months you kind
Speaker 1: of want someone who's giving you two things. You want
Speaker 1: someone who's giving you a feeling of excitement and a
Speaker 1: feeling of stress, because that's ultimately what chemistry is. Right,
Speaker 1: Will they give me their number? That's the stress. The
Speaker 1: excitement is I got their number. The stress is, oh
Speaker 1: my god, what should I text them? The excitement is,
Speaker 1: oh my god, they just text me back. The stress is,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, are they going to say yes to
Speaker 1: a second date? The excitement is yes, they just said yes.
Speaker 1: And so this kind of oscillating feeling of stress and
Speaker 1: excitement is what creates the spark, is what creates chemistry. Now,
Speaker 1: when you've been in a long term relationship like you
Speaker 1: and Tom have, or slightly shorter than me and RADI
Speaker 1: have had, now, you don't get stress and excitement. Most
Speaker 1: of it just becomes peace. I don't need to stress
Speaker 1: whether Ruddy's going to be at home tonight, because I
Speaker 1: know she's at home tonight. So the problem is we've
Speaker 1: got to make ourselves realize that what you want now
Speaker 1: and what's right for your future are not the same thing.
Speaker 1: And if you want to live in this bubble of
Speaker 1: excitement and stress, that's going to go anyway. So why
Speaker 1: not find someone who doesn't give you stress, who doesn't
Speaker 1: bring you anxiety, who doesn't make you feel nervous. Now
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you shouldn't feel excited to see that person,
Speaker 1: but there's a big difference between excitement and anxiety.
Speaker 2: God, everything you're saying really hit me in the sense
Speaker 2: of I had been there once upon a time with
Speaker 2: my ex boyfriend.
Speaker 3: He was very toxic.
Speaker 2: He was very verbally abusive, and I literally when I
Speaker 2: left him. When I finally found the courage day, I
Speaker 2: was like, I'm going to find a guy that likes me,
Speaker 2: that's nice, that's kind, that's considerate. I found a guy
Speaker 2: that was nice, kind and considerate before Tom and I
Speaker 2: was like, well, this is boring.
Speaker 1: So again, a really really interesting thing happened at this event.
Speaker 1: I found out in my teens that a lot of
Speaker 1: my guy friends had a technique they used, and their
Speaker 1: technique was to pick on women or notice something.
Speaker 3: That was a flaw about them.
Speaker 1: So every other guy would come up to you and
Speaker 1: be like, I really liked your shoes, or oh, you
Speaker 1: have a beautiful smile, or oh, I really like your eyes,
Speaker 1: and they'd get looked over, and one guy would come
Speaker 1: up and he would say, there's something off about you today.
Speaker 3: I'm not sure.
Speaker 1: The energy around you is just I don't know. It
Speaker 1: feels like there's something, but I don't know. You're like
Speaker 1: holding back, and all of a sudden, that woman is
Speaker 1: spending the whole evening thinking about that guy. This happened
Speaker 1: to one of my team members a couple of months back,
Speaker 1: and someone came up to her and said, that coat
Speaker 1: you're wearing today just feels like you're scared of opening up.
Speaker 1: And she was thinking about that guy the whole night.
Speaker 1: And there were other men who came and told her
Speaker 1: positive things and beautiful things and whatever.
Speaker 3: She couldn't think about it.
Speaker 1: And so I think a lot of men have used
Speaker 1: that technique to get attention. And it sounds crazy because
Speaker 1: when you hear it, it logically doesn't make sense, but
Speaker 1: when you think about it in the moment, you're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: of course that makes sense, because you feel they sense
Speaker 1: something about you.
Speaker 3: You feel they noticed your energy, but they didn't.
Speaker 1: They were just trying to find a way and that
Speaker 1: when you were six years old, that was pulling your hair.
Speaker 1: But this is the updated version that women experience today.
Speaker 1: And so we love that mystery. We love that feeling
Speaker 1: of like, oh well, if he's being mean, that's just
Speaker 1: his way of flirting with me. But do you want
Speaker 1: someone who's mean when they flatter?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 1: Is that what you want? Is that how you want
Speaker 1: to feel? So I don't want someone who notices my
Speaker 1: weaknesses before they notice my greatness. And so I think
Speaker 1: it's a matter of priority. But it does come from
Speaker 1: childhood and it continues on. I think a big part
Speaker 1: of it is also we've never seen positive relationships mirrored
Speaker 1: for us, Like when did you grow up? If you
Speaker 1: could remember one positive relationship growing up, I don't think
Speaker 1: I saw that. And so people are mirroring what they
Speaker 1: saw on TV, They're mirroring what they saw at home,
Speaker 1: they're mirroring what they saw in magazines. I mean, me,
Speaker 1: as an Indian boy growing up in London grew up.
Speaker 1: If you asked me who I was attracted to, I
Speaker 1: was attracted to blonde.
Speaker 3: Head women with blue eyes.
Speaker 1: But I'd never probably even met someone with blonde hair
Speaker 1: and blue eyes, but that's what I was told to
Speaker 1: fall in love with. That's what was marketed to me,
Speaker 1: and so I think we underestimate how much marketing has
Speaker 1: an impact on us. When I was going to propose
Speaker 1: to RADI, I asked my brother in law how much
Speaker 1: I should spend on an engagement ring, and he said,
Speaker 1: you should spend about two to three months salary. I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, So I went and spent two to
Speaker 1: three months salary. And I'd spoken to a couple of
Speaker 1: other men who'd said the same thing. Thankful led him
Speaker 1: make a lot at that time, so it wasn't that
Speaker 1: much of an expense. I bought the ring proposed obviously,
Speaker 1: Rather they said, yes, we got married. Now what's really
Speaker 1: interesting is years later I looked into that because I
Speaker 1: was like, how is that so specific? Two to three
Speaker 1: months seems like I really thought through plan. And I
Speaker 1: spoke to a lot of other men who all concurred
Speaker 1: with me that they spent two to three month salary
Speaker 1: no matter how much they made. I started looking at
Speaker 1: it online. I found a de Beer's commercial from the
Speaker 1: nineteen eighties. I'm not kidding you. You can go and
Speaker 1: find it on YouTube. YouTube right now. I went onto
Speaker 1: YouTube in the nineteen eighties. There's a commercial which I
Speaker 1: remember it being like a silhouette of a man and
Speaker 1: a woman, and I'm not kidding you. At the end
Speaker 1: of the commercial it says, what bed a way to
Speaker 1: spend two to three months salary? Oh my god, it
Speaker 1: literally says that, and I couldn't believe it. I was like, Wow,
Speaker 1: we've all been brainwashed that I proposed twenty five years
Speaker 1: after that commercial came out. I've never even seen that
Speaker 1: commercial like before that. And I'm following this advice and
Speaker 1: so is everyone else. And I think it also comes
Speaker 1: from our hunter gatherer days that you wanted someone who
Speaker 1: could protect you. You wanted someone who could fight off
Speaker 1: the irons and the snakes. You wanted someone who could
Speaker 1: build a home from scratch. And today our modern day version,
Speaker 1: which makes no sense, Our modern day version is, well,
Speaker 1: that's what a bad boy can do. A bad boy
Speaker 1: can protect me, a bad boy can do this, a
Speaker 1: bad boy can do that. But that doesn't actually add up,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't make sense because protection in modern day
Speaker 1: is very different to protection in ancient days.
Speaker 2: Or now it's related to how much the man earns.
Speaker 1: Correct, Well, I mean, well, that's a whole other conversation.
Speaker 1: I really think that if you're choosing who you want
Speaker 1: to be with simply based on how much they earn,
Speaker 1: how tall they are, or what job they have, you
Speaker 1: are marrying their salary, their bank account, and their job,
Speaker 1: not them.
Speaker 3: What does that mean.
Speaker 1: It means, yes, you will never run out of money,
Speaker 1: but you may never have enough love. It may mean
Speaker 1: that you can boast about your partner's title, but they
Speaker 1: may not be with you at every place you want
Speaker 1: them to be at. You have to realize what you're marrying,
Speaker 1: what you're committing to. That's what you're getting in this exchange.
Speaker 1: And I think what's really interesting to me is I
Speaker 1: meet a lot of friends and women who say to me,
Speaker 1: I really want a man who's successful, but I want
Speaker 1: him to be my number one cheerleader. And I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: if you realize that the person who's out there making
Speaker 1: money and being successful, they can't be a cheerleader at
Speaker 1: the same time because they've got to be on the field.
Speaker 1: The person on the field can't be your cheerleader. I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that you should choose one over the other.
Speaker 1: But I'm saying, you've got to be clear about the
Speaker 1: choices you're making. I love Radi, I can't be there
Speaker 1: with her as a cheerleader every step of the way
Speaker 1: wherever she is.
Speaker 3: Neither can Radi be with me.
Speaker 1: I know a lot of men who say the same thing, like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, I want my wife to be independent, but
Speaker 1: then I want her front row seat when I'm winning,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, wait a minute, which one do
Speaker 1: you want? And so I think we're really it's almost
Speaker 1: like we want everything and in that we get nothing.
Speaker 2: The other day, I said something to Tom about menopause
Speaker 2: and I was like, I just need this because a perimenopause.
Speaker 2: And he turns around to me and he's like, I
Speaker 2: will absolutely support you. But he's like, look, you have
Speaker 2: a group of girlfriends that are going through the same thing.
Speaker 2: He's like, so, no matter how much I try to
Speaker 2: see you, he's like, I just I cannot see it
Speaker 2: through your eyes because I'm not a woman. I don't
Speaker 2: know what it's like to be going through this at
Speaker 2: your age. So he's like, I'm doing the research, I'm
Speaker 2: reading the books, but if there is something that I
Speaker 2: just cannot grasp. Turn by all means, turn to your
Speaker 2: friends for it.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 2: The thing also, though, is that a lot of women
Speaker 2: do is almost the opposite. So this is what my
Speaker 2: partner wants, this is what they love, So let me
Speaker 2: sacrifice in the small things. It isn't a big deal.
Speaker 2: So it's like, all right, fine, I'll go watch soccer
Speaker 2: with him, even if I don't like soccer. That's one thing.
Speaker 2: But the big ones that actually end up reckoning a
Speaker 2: lot of women is they've sacrificed their entire lives. They've
Speaker 2: sacrificed the career for the family, whether it's kids or
Speaker 2: the husband. And as we get older, we start to realize,
Speaker 2: hang on a minute, what about me? And that maybe
Speaker 2: compromise that we felt good with now actually we realize
Speaker 2: was a sac that will never get back. How do
Speaker 2: you differentiate compromise and sacrifice? And where's that fine line
Speaker 2: between one's actually really healthy and one's like the thing
Speaker 2: that will break your relationship.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's two words that I like using more than
Speaker 1: sacrifice and compromise because I think they come with so
Speaker 1: much baggage. And the two words are adjusting and abandoning.
Speaker 1: And so there's a difference between adjusting yourself and abandoning yourself.
Speaker 1: Adjusting yourself means I'm making room for love. Abandoning means
Speaker 1: I'm disappearing to make space for it. Adjusting is saying
Speaker 1: I'm happy to be flexible. Abandoning is saying I'm going
Speaker 1: to bend so much that I'll probably break. Adjusting is growing,
Speaker 1: I'm actually becoming better through this choice. Abandoning is shrinking.
Speaker 1: I'm losing myself through this choice. And adjusting is I'm
Speaker 1: going to help you move forward. Abandoning is I'm going
Speaker 1: to leave myself behind. And so what I find a
Speaker 1: lot of us do is when we don't know who
Speaker 1: we are, we abandon ourselves. And the difference is adjusting
Speaker 1: is something two people do, Abandoning is something one person does.
Speaker 1: Adjusting requires two people to move, to mold, to pivot.
Speaker 1: Abandoning just requires one person to give up everything. And
Speaker 1: so what I find the reason why a lot of
Speaker 1: people end up in this place is because they were
Speaker 1: never told to have their own dream, they were never
Speaker 1: told they were allowed to have their own mission. They're
Speaker 1: never told that they had a purpose. And chances are
Speaker 1: they met someone their partner who had a very clear purpose,
Speaker 1: and they assumed that my purpose must be to help them.
Speaker 1: And it kind of felt good in the beginning, yeah,
Speaker 1: because it gave life meaning. Right in the beginning, it
Speaker 1: was all good. It was like, I'm going to do
Speaker 1: this for them, and they're going out to crush it
Speaker 1: and they'll do really well, and I'll live through them,
Speaker 1: and then maybe if I've children, I'll live through them.
Speaker 1: And so all of it becomes living life and meaning
Speaker 1: through bringing a provider and a supporter of other people. Which,
Speaker 1: by the way, if it satisfies you, that's beautiful. It
Speaker 1: sounds like me. And you have met a lot of
Speaker 1: people who are not satisfied by that. And I think
Speaker 1: the reason for that is your purpose can't be a person, right.
Speaker 1: Your purpose is something that isn't dependent on someone else's existence.
Speaker 3: It's dependent on you. That's what it is.
Speaker 1: It's something that's connected to you, not connected to you
Speaker 1: and that person that you're serving. So in the beginning
Speaker 1: it felt good, we got it, we found meaning. As
Speaker 1: time went on, you started to realize that person was
Speaker 1: living their dreams and you were just watching them. And
Speaker 1: no matter how good you felt watching that person live
Speaker 1: their dreams, you want to live your dreams too. Now
Speaker 1: you have two choices. A lot of us will blame
Speaker 1: it on that person. And when you blame it on
Speaker 1: that person, chances are you've heard these words before. They'll say, well,
Speaker 1: they didn't ask you to. I didn't tell you to,
Speaker 1: And that really hurts, yes, because you've just given up
Speaker 1: so much and you're like, wait a minute, you didn't
Speaker 1: ask me to, but you never told me to stop,
Speaker 1: You never told me not to. You gladly took it
Speaker 1: when I did it for you, So wait a minute,
Speaker 1: where are we now?
Speaker 3: Now? That fractures the relationship.
Speaker 1: It's one of the biggest reasons people will break up,
Speaker 1: get divorced. Relationship falls apart, they lose connection. So what
Speaker 1: are we doing that A mature person would never have said, well,
Speaker 1: I never asked you to. A mature person will say, well,
Speaker 1: what's your dream? The challenges That person didn't even have
Speaker 1: the foresight to understand that you were going to feel
Speaker 1: this way. They just got excited that your life looked
Speaker 1: like it had meaning and they were like, great, this helps,
Speaker 1: it works, it's supporting.
Speaker 3: All of us were good.
Speaker 1: So it's not that they're a bad person, it's just
Speaker 1: that they didn't really think that far ahead, because chances
Speaker 1: are they've never seen someone think that far ahead. I
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Speaker 2: And their response if I never asked you to, you
Speaker 2: can kind of understand why they would say that as
Speaker 2: a protective mechanism because it feels right now, Oh my god,
Speaker 2: is it all my full that your life hasn't been
Speaker 2: what you hoped it would be. Well, that's a big
Speaker 2: burden for a partner to take on. So to protect yourself,
Speaker 2: you make it that was your decision, which actually is true,
Speaker 2: It is true, but it's really harsh, yes, because you've
Speaker 2: encouraged them, You've applauded them every time they've made you.
Speaker 2: And look, I'm speaking for myself. With me and Tom,
Speaker 2: where it was like every time I would cook dinner
Speaker 2: and clean his clothes, he was always like, You're the
Speaker 2: best Greek wife ever. And then eventually, after eight years,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't want to cook and clean for
Speaker 2: you anymore. But he actually never asked me to in
Speaker 2: the first place.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, And that's that like weird space we all
Speaker 1: have up in where we take on a role because
Speaker 1: we get validation in the beginning and we appreciate and
Speaker 1: like that, and then we run out of that role.
Speaker 1: We don't want to play that role anymore, by the way,
Speaker 1: which is also natural. And the problem is when we
Speaker 1: don't want to play that role anymore, that other person
Speaker 1: got so used to us playing that role that they're
Speaker 1: now also going through a grief and we're going through
Speaker 1: a grief.
Speaker 3: They're going through a grief.
Speaker 1: Of our former self that they were in love with,
Speaker 1: and we're going through a grief of our former self.
Speaker 1: So we're both missing a person who doesn't exist anymore.
Speaker 1: They're missing the person we used to be. We're missing
Speaker 1: the person we used to be, but we know we
Speaker 1: want to be a different person, and they're trying to
Speaker 1: figure out whether they're going to like this different person.
Speaker 3: So there's a lot of play here.
Speaker 1: What we want to do is if you're at the
Speaker 1: early stages of a relationship, spot this early. Both men
Speaker 1: and women, whoever you are, whichever role you're playing spot
Speaker 1: it early. Don't just fall into the trap of oh
Speaker 1: it works for now, let's just see how it goes.
Speaker 1: And I think if your partner can't see that, you
Speaker 1: need to see that for yourself.
Speaker 3: Take responsibility.
Speaker 1: I think it genuinely comes down to looking back at you,
Speaker 1: taking control, accountability and power of your life and what
Speaker 1: you're going to do with that time and energy. Now,
Speaker 1: like you just don't want anything you said to sound
Speaker 1: like you're blaming that other person and shifting the accountability
Speaker 1: onto them, because, like you said, it's going to feel
Speaker 1: weighty for them and they're going to feel like, oh god,
Speaker 1: I don't want to take on that way. I feel
Speaker 1: too much pressure. Now I'm going to throw it back
Speaker 1: on you, and that's what we end up doing. So
Speaker 1: I think it's fine to say, hey, I've been doing
Speaker 1: this for the last ten years. It's not who I
Speaker 1: want to be anymore. And I understand that that adjustment
Speaker 1: is going to make changes for you. I'd love to
Speaker 1: discuss those changes. And now you're talking about the changes
Speaker 1: and the edits not talking about that person and you
Speaker 1: rather than saying, oh, you won all the awards you
Speaker 1: wanted to wear, am I when you make it about
Speaker 1: you and then all of a sudden you're not talking
Speaker 1: about what it's actually about, which is, here's how things
Speaker 1: are going to change. How is this going to affect you.
Speaker 1: What can we do in the middle period to make
Speaker 1: the transition more effective. It's change management, not the person management.
Speaker 1: And I think the challenges we make it about that
Speaker 1: person and what they should have done, what they could
Speaker 1: have done, the time we've lost, the energy, we've invested,
Speaker 1: what we didn't get out of it, And I get it.
Speaker 1: That is the emotional layer that needs to be explored.
Speaker 1: But that's not going to keep that person in your
Speaker 1: life in a healthy way. It's going to create friction.
Speaker 1: And sadly, we don't have many good examples of people
Speaker 1: who've been through that transition because people turn it.
Speaker 3: Into a blame you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I made sure that I didn't blame Tommy, and
Speaker 2: I needed to make sure it was true before he
Speaker 2: said it. But the truth was he didn't force me.
Speaker 2: The truth is I never said I was unhappy, like
Speaker 2: all of these things. That had to be very honest
Speaker 2: about of where my actions actually contributed to where I was.
Speaker 2: I actually interviewed recently a guy called Jefferson Fisher and he.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 2: So he even said, when you're having a tough conversation,
Speaker 2: instead of saying I want to talk to you, right,
Speaker 2: that makes it very personal, you say the room. So
Speaker 2: you're saying, I want this room to be a safe
Speaker 2: space where I can be transparent and honest. Are you
Speaker 2: comfortable with that? And so you're saying it's the room
Speaker 2: instead of them. You're then getting their buy in to
Speaker 2: say yes. And you're then saying, I don't need you
Speaker 2: to fix it. I need this to be a place
Speaker 2: where you can listen. And so you're telling them what
Speaker 2: to expect. So learning the language to communicate with your
Speaker 2: partners so you don't trigger them, so that you both
Speaker 2: can have an emotionally sober conversation I think ends up
Speaker 2: being the most fruitful thing that we can do.
Speaker 1: I always say to people, use us and we, not
Speaker 1: you and me. So I've had couples that I've worked
Speaker 1: with write out what they want to say, and all
Speaker 1: of it is filled with you and me. You didn't
Speaker 1: do this. It made me feel like this. You always
Speaker 1: do this. You never think about me. So it's you
Speaker 1: and me, you and me, you and me, And I've
Speaker 1: asked them to change every you and me to us
Speaker 1: and we why because now we're a team. If I say,
Speaker 1: let's think about how we can get to where we
Speaker 1: want to be, Let's think about us at the center
Speaker 1: of this conversation. Let's think about how to protect us. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you need to be thinking about how
Speaker 1: to protect me. You should be thinking about how to
Speaker 1: make me happy. Well, then we're not a team anymore.
Speaker 1: Now I'm saying, it's all your responsibility, it's all your accountability,
Speaker 1: and it's all on you. And by the way, I'm
Speaker 1: sitting over here feeling hurt, dejected and down. Whereas now
Speaker 1: and I say, is this what we both want? Is
Speaker 1: this the kind of relationship that we both want to have?
Speaker 1: Do we want to create a space where both of
Speaker 1: us can grow? All of a sudden, it's like, yes,
Speaker 1: we're doing this together. Yes we're a team. Yes we're collaborating.
Speaker 1: And I think too many people are competing for power
Speaker 1: rather than collaborating to create power together. And that competition
Speaker 1: with your partner is the worst place to be because
Speaker 1: now you're trying to be right, not kind. Now you're
Speaker 1: trying to win, not win together. Now, when you win,
Speaker 1: it means they lose. I always say this to people.
Speaker 1: If you win an argument, that means your partner lost,
Speaker 1: you both lost. If you win and they lose, you lose.
Speaker 1: If they win and you lose, you lose.
Speaker 3: You either win.
Speaker 1: Together or lose together because you're together. So us and we,
Speaker 1: not you and me solves that. And I recommend people
Speaker 1: right out what they're about to text, what they're about
Speaker 1: to say to their partner. And if you changed every
Speaker 1: you and me to us and we, it will transform
Speaker 1: the energy of the conversation.
Speaker 3: That's so good.
Speaker 2: That's so simple and so good. And one other thing
Speaker 2: that you just mentioned that was almost subtlety. It takes
Speaker 2: out the absolutes of like, you never do this for me,
Speaker 2: because I think that when you're trying to make an
Speaker 2: effort and then someone says you don't ever, it's kind
Speaker 2: of like, well, why am I even bothering? And so
Speaker 2: if you say we, there was no absolutenesce in.
Speaker 1: The Wii, Yeah, yeah, exactly exactly. It's there's two words
Speaker 1: you want to take out of every argument. Always and never,
Speaker 1: because no one always does something and no one never
Speaker 1: does thing. We always have so much more gray and
Speaker 1: so much more in between. But we're so tempted to
Speaker 1: just say you never do anything for me, or you
Speaker 1: always forget to do the dishes, and those statements make
Speaker 1: that person feel that you've invalidated any time that they
Speaker 1: actually followed through. Chances are they have followed through, but
Speaker 1: we're invalidating it. Now, what were arguing about. We're arguing
Speaker 1: about the mathematical accuracy of how often I've watched the
Speaker 1: dishes versus when I haven't, which was not the conversation.
Speaker 1: Now everyone's all right, tell me one, tell me, proved
Speaker 1: me one. And then they're like, yeah, I did it
Speaker 1: last Thursday and the Thursday before and the last Friday.
Speaker 1: And now we're arguing about mathematical accuracy. And I think
Speaker 1: the point is when we're having a disagreement, we're never
Speaker 1: really arguing about the disagreement. We're arguing about affection. We're
Speaker 1: arguing about power, We're arguing about attention, love, validation. That's
Speaker 1: what we're arguing about. But now we think we're arguing
Speaker 1: about the dishes. We think we're arguing about the birth day.
Speaker 1: That's not what we're arguing about. And so the more
Speaker 1: we can actually focus on what we're actually talking about,
Speaker 1: which is what we were just talking about. Let's talk
Speaker 1: about the transition. We're not arguing about whether you achieved
Speaker 1: your dreams and I didn't. We're talking about how does
Speaker 1: this change now? And that's what we need to win for.
Speaker 2: Yeah, God, Okay, So you mentioned earlier about how sometimes
Speaker 2: we can misunderstand or miscommunicate and we think one thing's
Speaker 2: one thing, but actually it's the other. So the compromise
Speaker 2: versus the sacrifice in your words.
Speaker 3: Being an abandoned Yeah, amazing.
Speaker 2: I actually have a few more because I was like, okay,
Speaker 2: what are the things that get us trapped in a relationship,
Speaker 2: going back to like the settling thing and why we
Speaker 2: either choose the wrong person or we end up staying
Speaker 2: in the relationship that isn't right. And there are a
Speaker 2: few things that I think that we get confused. So
Speaker 2: I've written a few down that actually love to talk about.
Speaker 2: So actually, let's start with the love and lust. So
Speaker 2: how would you look at the difference between love and
Speaker 2: luss and how if someone's listening right now, can they
Speaker 2: decipher which one they're.
Speaker 1: In the difference between love and lust? Is that last
Speaker 1: is that excitement an exhilaration of connection. Love is how
Speaker 1: you handle disconnection. If there's only lost, then when there's
Speaker 1: an argument or a disagreement, you don't know how to
Speaker 1: get on the same page. That's why we call it
Speaker 1: makeup sex or break up sex, because you resort to
Speaker 1: an activity that's fueled by passion to solve a problem
Speaker 1: that can't be healed by it. Right, if you've had
Speaker 1: a disconnection, or if you've had a problem, or if
Speaker 1: there's a challenge and you don't like the way the
Speaker 1: person behaves with you, then there's no love because that's
Speaker 1: what you're looking for.
Speaker 3: You're looking for.
Speaker 1: Can someone bring love to a place where there isn't
Speaker 1: any or where we're lacking it or where we've run
Speaker 1: out of it or where we've lost it.
Speaker 3: That's what love is.
Speaker 1: Love is something that exists within both of you, and
Speaker 1: when you're disagreeing, you're distant. If there's love, you'll become
Speaker 1: closer through it. If there isn't love, you push yourselves
Speaker 1: away through it. So when I meet a new couple,
Speaker 1: I like to ask them, what was the last disagreement
Speaker 1: you have? And do you like the way your partner
Speaker 1: and you came to a conclusion or came to a solution.
Speaker 1: It's how we deal with the tough stuff that makes
Speaker 1: all the difference.
Speaker 2: That's so good. What's interesting, I've been one for twenty
Speaker 2: five years and that we've never once had makeup sex.
Speaker 2: I'm just thinking about it.
Speaker 3: That's a good thing. That shows why.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's almost like actually because once we've like kind
Speaker 2: of come to an agreement, I'm still so raw and
Speaker 2: so I just need to be cuddled. I need sweetness.
Speaker 2: Like the last thing I want is like crazy x.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So that's fascinating and.
Speaker 3: Never does well.
Speaker 1: The studies show right that the reason why sex releases
Speaker 1: chemicals that makes you forget the argument.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, so it's not even like.
Speaker 1: You actually feel better. You just think you feel better,
Speaker 1: and so you actually never came to a solution. And
Speaker 1: that's why it's not the healthiest way to solve a problem,
Speaker 1: because if you're relying on lust to solve the problem,
Speaker 1: then all you're left with is lust.
Speaker 3: It's not love. That's so true.
Speaker 2: But yet my ex, who was very toxic, we had
Speaker 2: a lot of makeup sex.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and makeup sex. Yeah.
Speaker 2: All right, So the difference between comfortable or complacent. Have
Speaker 2: you settled into a healthy rhythm, or are you stuck
Speaker 2: in an unfulfilling routine.
Speaker 1: I think comfortable is something you feel together and complacent
Speaker 1: is something one person feels. So if you can both agree,
Speaker 1: I love the way we're living. WE love our life.
Speaker 1: I love the vacations we go on. I love our friends.
Speaker 1: I love what we're creating. There's a comfort in that,
Speaker 1: and that's what we're all looking for. We're looking for
Speaker 1: someone that we can come home to and cozy upward.
Speaker 1: We're looking for someone who feels like a warm cup
Speaker 1: of coffee. That's comfortable, right. We want that in a partner.
Speaker 1: But if one person can't agree to that, then that
Speaker 1: person feels the other person's being complacent. Now what happens
Speaker 1: is people are scared to accept that they're being complacent
Speaker 1: because it means like they're not showing up enough or
Speaker 1: doing enough.
Speaker 2: It's a very negative word.
Speaker 1: It's a very negative word. But the point is you've
Speaker 1: got to listen to your partner. If your partner's genuinely saying, hey,
Speaker 1: I don't think we're comfortable, I think we're complacent, there's
Speaker 1: no moments to look forward to anymore. And that's what
Speaker 1: complacency is I think comfort is comfort is stable excitement, right,
Speaker 1: It's like we feel a sense of there's still like
Speaker 1: things to look forward to. We come back down. There's
Speaker 1: this beautiful harmonic movement of a wave. There's like a
Speaker 1: comfort in looking at the ocean. Even though it's constantly moving,
Speaker 1: it's still moving, it's doing his thing. Complacency is almost
Speaker 1: just like there's no rhythm, there's only routine. We're kind
Speaker 1: of both robots performing the same roles, the same tasks,
Speaker 1: the same things. There's no spontaneity, there's no change, there's
Speaker 1: no shift. And I think it really does take one
Speaker 1: person to have the courage to say it. And my
Speaker 1: hope is that when the other person hears it again,
Speaker 1: you as a team come to a conclusion abut.
Speaker 3: How to get out of it.
Speaker 1: It's still a together thing to solve, even if it's
Speaker 1: a one person to raise. This is the biggest thing.
Speaker 1: If you want this relationship to work, you've got to
Speaker 1: help your partner, help themselves, help your relationship, and you
Speaker 1: help them. And I think the challenge we have is
Speaker 1: a lot of us feel like we're the only one
Speaker 1: doing it. And if you feel you're the only one
Speaker 1: doing it. There's two things you need to do. The
Speaker 1: first thing you need to do is something I call
Speaker 1: a relationship audit because this has helped me so many times.
Speaker 1: A lot of us think relationships are who makes the money,
Speaker 1: who takes care of the house. We look at it
Speaker 1: through two things, But relationships are physical who's taking care
Speaker 1: of the house, the physical surroundings, Financial, who is making
Speaker 1: the money taking care of the finances. It's mental who's
Speaker 1: setting the mindset of this relationship. It's emotional who's setting
Speaker 1: the nurturing of this relationship? And it's spiritual who's setting
Speaker 1: the faith or the spiritual direction of this relationship. Every
Speaker 1: time I've thought about it this way, I've realized me
Speaker 1: and RADI are even leaders ah and I think that
Speaker 1: gives me a sense of strength and confidence. If we
Speaker 1: only look at it through two things, which is what
Speaker 1: we do, finance and home, you might feel like you
Speaker 1: do everything. And it's really important on us for broaden
Speaker 1: the view. Now, if you look at it as those
Speaker 1: five metrics and you're doing four hour of the five,
Speaker 1: that person's complacent.
Speaker 3: It's just there. It's true.
Speaker 1: It's really really it's hard, and especially if you're disatisfied.
Speaker 3: If you're satisfied, it's fine.
Speaker 1: I think we have to zoom out when you're feeling
Speaker 1: that way and really assess it, because too many people
Speaker 1: will say I do everything. So at the beginning of
Speaker 1: my relationship, I used to feel I did everything, not
Speaker 1: to realize that Radi set the mental mood and the
Speaker 1: emotional heart of the whole relationship and physically takes care
Speaker 1: of everything, Like the fridge always has food in it
Speaker 1: and I've never ordered anything in my entire life, and
Speaker 1: it's always stocked with the best goodies and everything else.
Speaker 1: And spiritually Radi runs the relationship.
Speaker 3: Now I'm realizing she's doing four.
Speaker 2: Hour's interesting because in your head though, you were like, well,
Speaker 2: hang on, I'm working, I'm doing this, and it's the doing.
Speaker 1: It's the doing that we put emphasis on. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: what about the energy, Like Radi is like wakes up
Speaker 1: and it's doing a little dance in the kitchen. I come,
Speaker 1: I'm tired of moping and moody, and she's smiling and
Speaker 1: giving me a hug. We don't value those things. Those
Speaker 1: things are huge, but we don't value them because they
Speaker 1: don't show up on the spreadsheet. Yeah, they don't show
Speaker 1: up in the bank balance, so you don't value those things.
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of us think we overdo.
Speaker 1: But actually, if you looked at it on the actual
Speaker 1: spectrum of the five things have just said, you'd realize
Speaker 1: we're actually pretty equal.
Speaker 3: So that's one thing.
Speaker 1: And the second thing I'd say is that if you
Speaker 1: do that exercise and then you really feel like you
Speaker 1: are the one doing everything, then it may be time
Speaker 1: to leave. It may be time to say I'm not
Speaker 1: accepting this anymore. It may be time to say I
Speaker 1: can't keep doing all of this anymore, and I deserve
Speaker 1: better than this.
Speaker 3: And that's okay too.
Speaker 2: I'm such a data person, and as well that I
Speaker 2: love that you just broke it down out of like fourman,
Speaker 2: it's like a checklist.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, make it because we all have a scorecard anyway,
Speaker 1: but we only mark ourselves on the schoolcard emotional as emotional,
Speaker 1: and you never give the other person a point. So
Speaker 1: if you watch the dish, right, it's I told you
Speaker 1: to watch the dishes exactly.
Speaker 3: It's that you're always counting everything you do right.
Speaker 1: We count everything we do right, and we count everything
Speaker 1: our partner does wrong. You will never miss something that
Speaker 1: you got right, and you will never miss something your
Speaker 1: partner got wrong.
Speaker 3: But what does that create.
Speaker 1: It creates distant disconnection and dissatisfaction. Whereas when you zoom
Speaker 1: out and you start counting every little thing your partner
Speaker 1: gets right, and you start to notice the things you
Speaker 1: get right and wrong, all of a sudden, you start
Speaker 1: to recognize we're probably more equal than we believe we are.
Speaker 1: And I think more people would win from that. I've
Speaker 1: gained so much from that exercise.
Speaker 3: That's so good.
Speaker 2: I love it. I'm going to definitely take that one.
Speaker 3: I've got a few.
Speaker 2: It's for you, all right. Difference between intuition or insecurity?
Speaker 2: How to tell if your guy is warning you or
Speaker 2: if past trauma is crouding your judgment.
Speaker 1: The difference between intuition and insecurity is insecurity is based
Speaker 1: on the past and intuition is based on the present.
Speaker 1: You don't want a bad past relationship to impact your
Speaker 1: notes on the relationship you're in today, but you want
Speaker 1: to check it. So if you have an insecurity, you
Speaker 1: should check it. If you have an intuition, you should
Speaker 1: check it. And I think the problem is we're trying
Speaker 1: to make decisions based on intuition or insecurity, when actually
Speaker 1: what we should be doing is asking questions. So there's
Speaker 1: two questions I believe that everyone should ask as early
Speaker 1: as possible in a relationship. The first is how do
Speaker 1: you show love? That person may say to you, I
Speaker 1: show love by always showing up on time. I show
Speaker 1: love by always picking up the phone. I show love
Speaker 1: by always responding to a text message. And all of
Speaker 1: a sudden, you realize that you were just insecure about
Speaker 1: whether they loved you or not because you were measuring
Speaker 1: whether they loved you based on how your ex loved you,
Speaker 1: rather than asking them how do they show love? Because
Speaker 1: you didn't see them turning up on time is love?
Speaker 1: You saw it as being timely. You didn't see them
Speaker 1: picking up the phone as love. You saw that as
Speaker 1: being available. You didn't see them as texting back as
Speaker 1: being love. You saw them as being responsive. But that
Speaker 1: was love through being available responsive, because that's how they
Speaker 1: see love. And you should tell that person how you
Speaker 1: see love. Now you take away in securities because now
Speaker 1: I don't have to guess whether a text or a
Speaker 1: lack of one is love or not, because the person's
Speaker 1: told me how they show love and The second question
Speaker 1: is what do you need when you're sad? What do
Speaker 1: you need when you're having a bad day? What would
Speaker 1: you like me to do? Because the truth is we're
Speaker 1: all guessing, so our intuition failed. Sometimes we're thinking what
Speaker 1: do I need on a bad day, and we're trying
Speaker 1: to give it to that person. And what's really interesting
Speaker 1: is we think people love the way we do, and
Speaker 1: when they don't, we feel hurt. Yeah, so we feel, well,
Speaker 1: if I was stuck, we're having a bad day, I
Speaker 1: know i'd want to hug. I know i'd want a
Speaker 1: really nice message. I know i'd want you to turn up.
Speaker 1: And so we do that to that person and that
Speaker 1: person goes, wait, wait, wait, this is too much. I
Speaker 1: didn't need this, And we think, oh, well, that person
Speaker 1: doesn't love me, they don't appreciate me. But actually we
Speaker 1: never checked in with them. And so to me, intuition
Speaker 1: and insecurity are all about checking. And these are my
Speaker 1: two favorite questions.
Speaker 2: That's so good. Okay, let me give a scenario for
Speaker 2: you then, and I want you to know how you
Speaker 2: navigate it. So let's assume you're on a date and
Speaker 2: you really like them and you're like, oh my God,
Speaker 2: we have this connection. Maybe they're the one and my
Speaker 2: gut is telling me this is the one, Jay, So
Speaker 2: how do you know in that moment that your gut
Speaker 2: is telling you that that person is the right person?
Speaker 2: Or it's the toss of pattern that you've had from
Speaker 2: Childer that says, if someone acts like this, it means love.
Speaker 1: You don't know in that moment your gut's lying to you.
Speaker 1: It's just plain and simple. It's very unrealistic for anyone
Speaker 1: to know in the first month of dating whether someone
Speaker 1: is the one or one of the.
Speaker 3: People they'll be with.
Speaker 1: Now, that person may evolve into the one, but you
Speaker 1: can't truly guarantee you knew it in that moment. You
Speaker 1: may say that in hindsight and a lot of people
Speaker 1: will be like and by the way, me and Ridley
Speaker 1: say that too, I felt like.
Speaker 3: I knew that.
Speaker 1: By the way, when I met Riley, I knew in
Speaker 1: the first week or the first couple of weeks that
Speaker 1: she was the one.
Speaker 3: I would have said that.
Speaker 1: Then Now, when I look back on that statement, I
Speaker 1: realized how crazy that was because I didn't even know
Speaker 1: what was expected of me, what's been expected of me
Speaker 1: in the last twelve years has made me realize she's
Speaker 1: the one every day.
Speaker 3: I could never have known that on our wedding date.
Speaker 1: And by the way, even if your in juition turns
Speaker 1: out to be right, that's beautiful, but let's not put
Speaker 1: that out there is advice, That's what I'm trying to
Speaker 1: get to, and so I always say to people that
Speaker 1: you will fall in love with three people in your life.
Speaker 1: The first is a firework. It lights up the sky.
Speaker 1: It's a big bang, but it fades very very quickly,
Speaker 1: and we all fall in love with that person. There's
Speaker 1: a second person you'll fall in love with, which is
Speaker 1: the candle. It burns not as bright, it's a bit calmer,
Speaker 1: it burns longer, but you might even put it out
Speaker 1: yourself because it gets boring. And then the third person
Speaker 1: is the mirror. And the mirror compassionately holds up to
Speaker 1: you a reflection of yourself, shows you all your flaws,
Speaker 1: your weaknesses. And the problem is a lot of us
Speaker 1: can't handle that. We think the mirror is broken because
Speaker 1: we don't want to see that, and so we push
Speaker 1: that away. And that's usually the one. The one's usually
Speaker 1: the person who can hold up the mirror. To you
Speaker 1: in a compassionate and non judgmental way. So you have
Speaker 1: people who hold up the mirror to you, but they'll
Speaker 1: do it by going look at who you are, you
Speaker 1: see it.
Speaker 3: That's not the one.
Speaker 1: You'll have people who hold up the mirror to you,
Speaker 1: but it's a broken mirror because they're just projecting their
Speaker 1: broken noss onto you. And that's not the one. The
Speaker 1: one is the person who compassionately, non judgmentally, with love
Speaker 1: and empathetically holds up a mirror to you and allows
Speaker 1: you to hold up a mirror to them. And I
Speaker 1: don't believe that's one person that's out there. It's the
Speaker 1: person that you both do it for. It has to
Speaker 1: be a mutual thing. And so I think we need
Speaker 1: to lose this idea of this destined, fated, perfect person,
Speaker 1: fully formed, fully created that exists, and go who's willing
Speaker 1: to work for me? And who am I willing to
Speaker 1: work for? Who's willing to learn with me? And who
Speaker 1: am I willing to learn for? Who's willing to grow
Speaker 1: for me? And who am I willing to grow for?
Speaker 1: And you won't know that in the first month. You
Speaker 1: have no idea in the first month whether someone's willing
Speaker 1: to grow for you, whether someone's willing to learn for you,
Speaker 1: whether someone's willing to change for you. Go through the challenges,
Speaker 1: grow through the challenges, make mistakes, see how you respond
Speaker 1: and live through that. And so you know someone loves
Speaker 1: you not when you have a great first date, but
Speaker 1: when you have a great first fight. Like you know
Speaker 1: someone loves you not when they surprise you on your birthday,
Speaker 1: but when they can deal with you having a surprising
Speaker 1: or challenging emotion. You know someone loves you not when
Speaker 1: you have an amazing vacation together, but when you figured
Speaker 1: out how to be okay when you didn't have one,
Speaker 1: Like that's how you learned that you loved each other.
Speaker 1: When I look at me and Raddi, I look at
Speaker 1: the fact that when we moved country, when I lost
Speaker 1: my jobs, when I was transitioning, like when we're figuring
Speaker 1: stuff out, that's what proves to me that she's the one,
Speaker 1: Not the amazing wedding we had and not the amazing
Speaker 1: early dates we had, like they don't now prove to
Speaker 1: me that we love each other. So I don't think
Speaker 1: you get to see that for a long time. And
Speaker 1: it is that investment and there was a study that
Speaker 1: I read that showed that to make someone an acquaintance,
Speaker 1: a casual acquaintance in your life, it takes forty hours.
Speaker 1: To consider someone a friend in your life, you have
Speaker 1: to spend one hundred hours, and to consider someone a
Speaker 1: good friend in your life, you have to spend two
Speaker 1: hundred hours. If you haven't spent two hundred hours together yet,
Speaker 1: you really don't know this person. And I think that's
Speaker 1: why as adults it's so hard to find adult friends,
Speaker 1: and why it's so hard to date, because it's very
Speaker 1: unlikely that as an adult, you have two hundred hours
Speaker 1: to get to know someone. But that's true, and I
Speaker 1: feel that resonates when I think about anyone I feel
Speaker 1: knows me deeply, and that I know deeply spent two
Speaker 1: hundred hours with them in.
Speaker 3: Your first month of dating. What do you know about
Speaker 3: this person?
Speaker 1: You don't know about their relationship with their parents, You
Speaker 1: don't know about their relationship with their siblings, you don't
Speaker 1: know about their relationship with their boss.
Speaker 3: You don't know about their relationship with you.
Speaker 1: In any other circumstance apart from on this interview like date,
Speaker 1: you actually know very little about this person, And so
Speaker 1: until you actually live life and experience different facets of
Speaker 1: their life, not start building a life with someone that
Speaker 1: we don't know anything about their life.
Speaker 2: That's so true. And I don't know if you remember this,
Speaker 2: but there was something that you taught me that stuck
Speaker 2: with me to this day. So it was about maybe
Speaker 2: two years ago. I can't remember what trip we were
Speaker 2: on together, for everyone at home, we've been on many
Speaker 2: trips together. And someone had really hurt me emotionally and
Speaker 2: had broken my trust. And I remember turning to you
Speaker 2: and I was like, Jay, I didn't see it coming.
Speaker 2: I was like, I trusted them and they backstabbed me.
Speaker 2: And I remember you looking at me and you're like, okay,
Speaker 2: so did you have them earn your trust? And my
Speaker 2: answer was no. And I remember you saying that this
Speaker 2: was years ago, and still to this day, whenever I
Speaker 2: go to, oh my god, I trust them, the very
Speaker 2: next thing is you and my head saying, hanging on,
Speaker 2: but have they earned it? And so I think then
Speaker 2: in those moments, in that first month of dating, we
Speaker 2: go off our emotions and the chemicals in our body,
Speaker 2: but we're made to believe it's love or trust or
Speaker 2: things like that.
Speaker 1: And I'm so glad you remember that, and it resonated
Speaker 1: with you, like I'm not saying you're sitting there either
Speaker 1: judging them as well and going, oh, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: are they trustworthy?
Speaker 3: Like it's it's not either or.
Speaker 1: And then the reason I say that is because I
Speaker 1: think we give away trust too easily. If you've not
Speaker 1: seen someone in multiple moods, and when you're in multiple moods,
Speaker 1: how can you trust them Because you don't know how
Speaker 1: they're going to respond to you being a certain way,
Speaker 1: So you can't trust them in that specific experience. And
Speaker 1: so your trust is very broad and overarching. And I
Speaker 1: think at one point we just have to stop breaking
Speaker 1: our own heart because we don't fall in love with
Speaker 1: the person. We fall in love with who we expect
Speaker 1: them to be. We don't fall in love with the
Speaker 1: person that they are. We fall in love with the
Speaker 1: potential that we see for them. We don't fall in
Speaker 1: love with the act that they show us. We fall
Speaker 1: in love with the dreams that we hope they're going
Speaker 1: to help us build. And so our constant reality is
Speaker 1: being lived in our head. And now you're not living
Speaker 1: in reality, you're living in your mind. And then that
Speaker 1: person doesn't live up to the picture in your mind.
Speaker 1: They're living in the real world, and now they hurt you.
Speaker 1: And so we break our own hearts because we don't
Speaker 1: allow that person to earn our trust. We break our
Speaker 1: own hearts because we don't let them prove themselves in
Speaker 1: different experiences and scenarios. And we break our own heart
Speaker 1: because we imagined who they were before they showed us
Speaker 1: they were. And so we're constantly we're just constantly breaking
Speaker 1: our own hearts because you just don't know how someone's
Speaker 1: going to do something until you see them do it.
Speaker 2: So where's that line between the values that someone has
Speaker 2: versus what they say? Because actually, let's go back to relationships. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and how you cannot fix something Jay Shelley quote. We
Speaker 2: think we have to fix people, but we have to
Speaker 2: love them while they fix themselves. So how often do
Speaker 2: we try to Why is that detrimental? And why do
Speaker 2: we keep doing it? Why do we keep trying to
Speaker 2: fix people?
Speaker 1: I think the first thing you have to understand it
Speaker 1: is you can't fix anyone, right. You can't fix someone else,
Speaker 1: but you can break yourself in the process. You can't
Speaker 1: fix someone else, but you can waste a lot of
Speaker 1: years believing that you can and you can't fix anyone,
Speaker 1: but you can convince yourself that it's your responsibility. So
Speaker 1: I think those are the three things we do. We
Speaker 1: convince ourselves it's our responsibility. We convince ourselves it's only
Speaker 1: a matter of time. And we convince ourselves I'm ready
Speaker 1: to do anything it takes to fix them. Because guess what,
Speaker 1: we believe if we fight hard enough, I can make
Speaker 1: the wrong person the right person. Why do we do it?
Speaker 1: Number one evalidates us. It gives our life meaning and value.
Speaker 1: We have a role to play, and we believe we
Speaker 1: have a target to hit. If we can successfully make
Speaker 1: this person fixed, we did something amazing. It's actually about us.
Speaker 1: The second reason is we don't want to be with
Speaker 1: a loser. By what we think is a loser, We
Speaker 1: don't want to be with someone because that now brings
Speaker 1: down our value. We now feel, well, if I'm with
Speaker 1: someone who doesn't sort themselves out, then everyone else is
Speaker 1: going to think that I have no value. So now
Speaker 1: again thinking about our value again, we're actually not thinking
Speaker 1: about them. And third, if we're truly compassionate and altruistic
Speaker 1: and really caring about them, we genuinely.
Speaker 3: See their potential.
Speaker 1: You see their potential and you're thinking they could just
Speaker 1: be amazing, they could be phenomenal, And maybe there is
Speaker 1: a part of you that does it from a deep
Speaker 1: sense of care because you can see how amazing they are.
Speaker 1: But the reason you can't fix them is because maybe
Speaker 1: that's not what they want to fix. Maybe that's not
Speaker 1: how they see they're broken. Maybe that's not the part
Speaker 1: of themselves they want to mend. The potential you see
Speaker 1: isn't the potential they see. They maybe don't even want
Speaker 1: that life. I remember saying that to Radley for so long,
Speaker 1: where it was like I didn't want her to mirror
Speaker 1: her life off of anything I wanted to do. I
Speaker 1: was like, I want you to do exactly what you
Speaker 1: want to do. And Radley loved learning. So she did
Speaker 1: courses and she did she did yoga, teacher training. She
Speaker 1: was doing all this education because she was so happy
Speaker 1: and excited about it. She did a book because she
Speaker 1: was excited about it. She launched the podcast because she
Speaker 1: was excited about learning. And I've had so many people
Speaker 1: say to me like I wish he was more ambitious,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, then go and find someone more ambitious,
Speaker 1: because chances are he doesn't want to be ambitious. He's
Speaker 1: showing you every day that he doesn't want to be ambitious.
Speaker 1: And you think, because you're ambitious, you can make him ambitious.
Speaker 3: No, you can't.
Speaker 1: You can make him try harder for a month, but
Speaker 1: he's going to go back to being that same person,
Speaker 1: and he.
Speaker 2: Probably just feels worse about it.
Speaker 3: Exactly.
Speaker 1: He's now carrying the guilt and now he's insecure, wondering
Speaker 1: if you're going to leave him, because he actually thinks
Speaker 1: that you might because you're not satisfied with him. Every
Speaker 1: time he meets an ambitious man, he's now judging himself
Speaker 1: and measuring himself up against that person.
Speaker 3: But he doesn't want to be that. He has different values.
Speaker 1: And so, going back to a point we made earlier,
Speaker 1: you getting someone to value what you value isn't love.
Speaker 1: If I convince you to value what I value, that
Speaker 1: is in love. Love is I love what you value
Speaker 1: because it makes you who you are. I've always said
Speaker 1: that Radi's number one value in life is family. It's
Speaker 1: always a number one value. My number one value in
Speaker 1: life is purpose. I will choose purpose over a family event.
Speaker 1: Radi will choose family over a purpose event for her.
Speaker 1: Neither's right or wrong, It's just who we are. And
Speaker 1: I love that for her. If she would choose to
Speaker 1: go and spend time with her family over an event
Speaker 1: that I had to go to, I would love that
Speaker 1: for her. Why it makes her the person I love.
Speaker 1: The reason she's so adorable and lovable and everything is
Speaker 1: because of her value. And why would she be happy
Speaker 1: for me to choose purpose over the family event? Because
Speaker 1: she knows that's what makes me lovable. The man that
Speaker 1: she loves, the man that she admires, the man that
Speaker 1: she respects, is that man who makes that choice. So
Speaker 1: you trying to change your partner's values are going to
Speaker 1: make them less of the person you love and more
Speaker 1: of the person you don't love. You're actually going to
Speaker 1: take away from from them their spark and their joy
Speaker 1: and their heart and their value and everything. And you're
Speaker 1: actually going to become their kryptonite and shrink them because
Speaker 1: you're taking away where they valued.
Speaker 2: Okay, so what if you're with somebody, So you've got
Speaker 2: with Rady, you know she values family that you see
Speaker 2: it's beautiful. You see how that shows up what sometimes
Speaker 2: happens Over time, though, is their value starts to change
Speaker 2: and then now no longer that person that got the
Speaker 2: joy from let's say the family. In those moments, I
Speaker 2: think we try to fix that person, to come back
Speaker 2: to the person that we first met, that we first
Speaker 2: fell in love with, and going back to the growth
Speaker 2: thing where it's like you can be on different paths.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I think someone in a relationship dynamic one partner
Speaker 2: is like, hang on a minute, I fell in love
Speaker 2: with this person. This is the person I may be married.
Speaker 2: This is the person that I was with. And now
Speaker 2: over time you've changed. How did you start to navigate
Speaker 2: that without the person feeling bad about that change? So,
Speaker 2: RADI met you, you just come out of monk hold.
Speaker 2: I'm not sure what you would call it. Mon could
Speaker 2: So you just come out of monk hood and you're coaching,
Speaker 2: you're teaching. She knows who you are, you're all spiritual.
Speaker 2: Let's say ten years later, you're just an ask you
Speaker 2: don't care about work, you don't really care about people,
Speaker 2: and now she's like, hang on a minute, You're not
Speaker 2: the person I fell in love with.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Absolutely, There's three things. The first is.
Speaker 1: You have to check whether that person wants to change
Speaker 1: and how they want to change and who they want
Speaker 1: to be, and that will take time because it will
Speaker 1: take time for them to open up and admit because,
Speaker 1: let's say they want to be that person they were before,
Speaker 1: that's hard for them to admit because it feels really
Speaker 1: far for them and they feel it's quite impossible. So
Speaker 1: in the beginning, they may say, I don't want to
Speaker 1: talk about it. In the beginning, they may say no,
Speaker 1: I love who I am. In the beginning, they may
Speaker 1: say no, I'm happy with how life's going. But those
Speaker 1: are just defense mechanisms to not really go there because
Speaker 1: they find it an unimaginable task to become that person again.
Speaker 1: So you have to be patient and check, and that
Speaker 1: will take time. The second thing, after checking and seeing
Speaker 1: if they've been ready for change if they are, is
Speaker 1: are you open to being the person that is now
Speaker 1: required of you while they change? Are you willing to
Speaker 1: be patient? Are you willing to shift? Are you willing
Speaker 1: to adjust in order to be patient? Now that you
Speaker 1: know how they're changing and where they're growing and going,
Speaker 1: it's all about you. It's not about them. It's about
Speaker 1: are you.
Speaker 3: Okay with that?
Speaker 1: And then the third is are you willing to fall
Speaker 1: in love with them again? Are you willing to fall
Speaker 1: in love with the same person again now that they're
Speaker 1: a different person, or are you not?
Speaker 3: So it's all about you.
Speaker 1: We think it's about them. I'll give you a really
Speaker 1: practical example. I was working with someone years ago now
Speaker 1: and they had discovered that their partner was addicted to
Speaker 1: porn and it was really hurtful to them because they
Speaker 1: didn't want to be in a partnership where the other
Speaker 1: person had this addiction. So their first reaction was, this
Speaker 1: has to end. I can't be with this person. I
Speaker 1: thought they were the one. I can't believe it. When
Speaker 1: they sat themselves down and finally got the partner to
Speaker 1: open up, who, by the way, was a shamed, guilty
Speaker 1: dealing with all of their stress around this themselves, the
Speaker 1: partner finally said, I don't want to have this addiction either.
Speaker 1: I really want to work on it. So now it
Speaker 1: moved to question number two after the checking and knowing
Speaker 1: the question was and I asked them this question, are
Speaker 1: you willing to be patient? Are you willing to realize
Speaker 1: that your partner will have days where they will fall
Speaker 1: back into their addiction? Are you willing to tolerate the
Speaker 1: idea that you may feel betrayed. Are you willing to
Speaker 1: tolerate the memories you will have of the pictures they
Speaker 1: have on their phone, because none of that's going away.
Speaker 1: So it's not about whether you can forgive them, it's
Speaker 1: about whether you can tolerate your memories, your pain, and
Speaker 1: your stress that keeps coming back every time you look
Speaker 1: at them. Are you willing to change and adjust because
Speaker 1: now you know where they want to go? And are
Speaker 1: you willing to go at their timeline not yours? It's
Speaker 1: your question. That person at that time said yes, I'm
Speaker 1: going to wait. I believe in them, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to wait. And then the third step is where they're
Speaker 1: willing to fall in love with the same person who's
Speaker 1: now a different person. That couple's been together for as
Speaker 1: long as I've known them. Now, Wow, and it was
Speaker 1: a long process. It wasn't easy. If someone's an adict,
Speaker 1: it's going to take a long time. By the way,
Speaker 1: the person who was doing the waiting, they probably lost
Speaker 1: years of their life while they were supporting that person
Speaker 1: as well.
Speaker 3: But they wanted to do that.
Speaker 1: They opted in for that life and I don't think
Speaker 1: someone should be shamed or guilted for staying or leaving
Speaker 1: based on where they are in their life. You have
Speaker 1: to live based on your values, and so yes, you
Speaker 1: may end up realizing that ten years down the line
Speaker 1: you're married to someone who has a different set of values.
Speaker 1: And let's paint the opposite picture. They like where their
Speaker 1: life's going. They don't want to change, They don't want
Speaker 1: to go back to who they were. Sadly, you have
Speaker 1: to ask yourself the same question two and three. Do
Speaker 1: I want to change with this change? Do I even
Speaker 1: have to change? Or actually, can I just be the same?
Speaker 1: And can I fall in love with this person again
Speaker 1: now that they're a different person, And if you can't, sadly,
Speaker 1: that is how things end. But you shouldn't force yourself
Speaker 1: to keep looking for the person they once were in
Speaker 1: the person they are today, because you're going to spend
Speaker 1: your whole life searching for someone who's disappeared or doesn't
Speaker 1: exist anymore, and you're going to keep hoping and waiting
Speaker 1: for that person to come back. And people waste their
Speaker 1: whole life doing that. When that person left a long
Speaker 1: time ago.
Speaker 2: There's such a great breakdown. And I love how you think, Like,
Speaker 2: I really love how you think because every time I'm like, okay,
Speaker 2: it's going to answer it like this, you never do.
Speaker 2: Like the idea of like asking yourself those questions is
Speaker 2: so important, like one thousand percent because I'm on you.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, I think, but I'm look. I started
Speaker 2: Women of Impact Channel so that women never feel like
Speaker 2: they give their power away again? And where are the
Speaker 2: moments where we end up losing that control or losing
Speaker 2: our power and we never find it again. We spend
Speaker 2: the rest of our life feeling weak, unable to get
Speaker 2: back up metaphorically. And so I love the personal ownership.
Speaker 2: I love it because then no one can impact except
Speaker 2: for me. And so even the way you broke it down,
Speaker 2: I think for me, I would have given my power
Speaker 2: away to that person. How long are you going to take?
Speaker 2: When are you going to do it? By I thought
Speaker 2: you said you were going to do this, but you
Speaker 2: didn't just do that.
Speaker 1: I was just about to say that all of those
Speaker 1: questions are unanswerable. All of those questions have no answer.
Speaker 1: If I asked you the question to think about, like, well,
Speaker 1: how long do you think it's going to take for
Speaker 1: you to figure out this addiction. That person doesn't have
Speaker 1: a clue. It's your timeline. And when you don't want
Speaker 1: to make it about your timeline, you want to make
Speaker 1: it about the person. What you're doing is you're actually
Speaker 1: putting pressure on them to change next week. I always
Speaker 1: say to someone, I'm like, it's going to take someone
Speaker 1: like seven years to change. Like, if you really look
Speaker 1: at human change, it takes three to seven years for
Speaker 1: someone to actually change. So you're committing to a long
Speaker 1: period of time if you're going to commit to change,
Speaker 1: And that's if someone's actually doing the work, putting in
Speaker 1: the time, putting in the energy. Now, what ends up
Speaker 1: happening is people usually put in the energy but then
Speaker 1: fall back, and when you're waiting for them to change,
Speaker 1: you're like, wait a minute, last month, you were doing
Speaker 1: everything right, what's going on right now? And now what
Speaker 1: you're doing is creating stress for yourself. And then if
Speaker 1: you're not willing to wait three to ten years, chances
Speaker 1: that it's not going to happen in three months, depending
Speaker 1: on what the change is. But I think a lot
Speaker 1: of us want things to happen in months that take years.
Speaker 1: And it's an unanswerable question because no one knows, and
Speaker 1: by the way, that person will always flip flop, because
Speaker 1: that's what.
Speaker 3: Change is like.
Speaker 1: Change isn't linear, it isn't in one direction. It's multi
Speaker 1: direc and multifaceted and up and down. And so if
Speaker 1: you don't want to tolerate that, if you don't feel
Speaker 1: ready to do that, you're well within your rights to
Speaker 1: say I can't do this. And I think it's so
Speaker 1: hard when we live our lives based on someone else's timeline.
Speaker 3: You can't.
Speaker 1: You'll always be chasing it or pressurizing it or pushing it.
Speaker 2: It's such a good technique in thinking about change as well.
Speaker 2: The one thing that Tom and I do is if
Speaker 2: I'm trying to change something, so I used to say
Speaker 2: to him, like you always or you never, right.
Speaker 3: I was very.
Speaker 2: Dramatic like that, and I realized it. I made a
Speaker 2: very conscious effort to stop. But when you've been doing
Speaker 2: it in a relationship for fifteen twenty years, it's so natural.
Speaker 2: So I start changing my behavior. And it was like
Speaker 2: something like three or four months. I hadn't said it.
Speaker 2: I caught myself every time, and then I go and
Speaker 2: accidentally drop it, and he's like, here you go. You
Speaker 2: go and do Absolutely. I'm like, you're right, I've been
Speaker 2: doing it. I haven't been doing it for four months,
Speaker 2: and I just messed up and he's like, what do
Speaker 2: you mean you haven't been doing it for four months?
Speaker 2: And so I realized, and we use this language with
Speaker 2: each other's like, I understand that your mental map of
Speaker 2: me hasn't quite updated yet, and so it's going to
Speaker 2: take time for his mental map of me to update.
Speaker 2: It's kind of a way of saying you may not
Speaker 2: have noticed, but I understand why, Yes, because I think
Speaker 2: that's also on the other side, we blame that. I
Speaker 2: can't believe ever noticed you said that you wanted me
Speaker 2: to do the dishes. I've been doing the bloody dishes
Speaker 2: for two weeks and you haven't even noticed. Now we
Speaker 2: get annoyed and we just give up.
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely is so right, And it's all about your
Speaker 1: level of tolerance and patience, and you being really clear
Speaker 1: about your timelines helps them be clear about theirs. If
Speaker 1: you say, hey, I'm willing to give this six months,
Speaker 1: I'm willing to give this twelve months. Let me put
Speaker 1: a tounline on it for me, that's how much I'm
Speaker 1: willing to be in this uncertainty to figure this out
Speaker 1: with you, however you want me to help you, however
Speaker 1: you want to open up about it. But at that point,
Speaker 1: I have to make a decision for my future. And
Speaker 1: now you're not putting pressure on them, saying you have
Speaker 1: to solved your problem. You're saying that how much time
Speaker 1: I'm giving myself? And I think that's what we're looking for,
Speaker 1: but we're looking for it from them, and that person's
Speaker 1: not going to give you any clarity.
Speaker 3: That's so good.
Speaker 2: Do you think a couple can recover from infidelity?
Speaker 3: Yes and no. So two things.
Speaker 1: The first is your tolerance of the memories, betrayal and pain.
Speaker 1: The question isn't can you recover? The question is are
Speaker 1: you okay with remembering? The question isn't can you recover?
Speaker 1: The question is can you make sure not to remind them?
Speaker 1: The question isn't can you not recover? The question is
Speaker 1: how do I stop myself from making that our reality?
Speaker 1: You can always recover if you make those choices. And
Speaker 1: again it comes back down to the person who didn't
Speaker 1: do the cheating or didn't do the mistake, because it's
Speaker 1: you who actually have to live with it. And the
Speaker 1: same is true for that person. Can they live in
Speaker 1: a relationship where they always feel a sense of shame?
Speaker 1: Are they willing to rise even with the sense of guilt?
Speaker 1: Are they willing to try and change even though they
Speaker 1: carry that pain because they have a pain as well.
Speaker 1: And so it's such a together but independent thing because
Speaker 1: you're both having to tolerate and be patient about the
Speaker 1: same stuff, but on different ends of the spectrum. One
Speaker 1: person's feeling shame and guilt and the other person's feeling
Speaker 1: pain and stress and a sense of worthlessness potentially for
Speaker 1: someone if it's in that deep and it's all about
Speaker 1: how long we can tolerate those things for and move on.
Speaker 1: And that's not easy for both and especially not for
Speaker 1: them person who actually was on the receiving end of it.
Speaker 1: But that's what's required of it.
Speaker 2: And where do you think people go wrong? Because there's
Speaker 2: two types of people. The person that leaves immediately get that,
Speaker 2: and the person that stays in or just like keeps
Speaker 2: forgiving them.
Speaker 1: So I think there's mistakes on both sides. So the
Speaker 1: mistake on the person who is on the receiving end
Speaker 1: is you now need to do more to make me
Speaker 1: feel more secure. But I'm not going to do the
Speaker 1: work of trying to be more tolerant and patience with
Speaker 1: what I remember.
Speaker 2: So you have to make sure that you're always showing
Speaker 2: me love, always showing me with affections, that I never
Speaker 2: have to deal with the emotion of the hurt that
Speaker 2: you've caused.
Speaker 1: Correct, But that person could do all of that, and
Speaker 1: if you don't process it, you still will feel that way.
Speaker 1: Now I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm just saying
Speaker 1: that's the reality. If you wanted to recover it isn't
Speaker 1: your fault. This is not your fault. Like, we have
Speaker 1: to just be really clear about it. It's not your fault.
Speaker 1: It doesn't it shouldn't have got there. But that person
Speaker 1: could do everything right from now on, and this relationship
Speaker 1: could still go wrong because you in process what you
Speaker 1: had to process.
Speaker 3: So on your part, that's the mistake.
Speaker 1: On the other person's part, of the mistake happens is
Speaker 1: either they're overcompensating in really inauthentic ways or they feel
Speaker 1: so guilt and shamed by it that they now bring
Speaker 1: it up in every argument and go, oh, but you're
Speaker 1: always going to play that card. Oh, we don't play
Speaker 1: that card, like oh no, no, you're not allowed to
Speaker 1: use that card this time. And now they start building
Speaker 1: rules about when and where it's used, and you're like,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I'm the one who is on the
Speaker 1: receiving end of that. I get to decide where when
Speaker 1: I talk about it. And so you haven't come to
Speaker 1: an agreement together about the vocabulary, the language, the connection
Speaker 1: of how is this discussed? Where does it land? At
Speaker 1: what point are we complete through the healing process? At
Speaker 1: what point am I comfortable to not talk about it again?
Speaker 1: At what point am I going to bring it up?
Speaker 1: And you can't rush me on that. That's the conversation
Speaker 1: that needs to be happening, not the conversation of have
Speaker 1: you forgiven me yet?
Speaker 3: That's not the conversation.
Speaker 1: The conversation is we may have to let this heal
Speaker 1: and talk about this for twelve months, whereas it's not like, Okay,
Speaker 1: have you forgiven me?
Speaker 3: It's been a week? Have you forgiven me it's been
Speaker 3: a year? Have you forgive no? No, no? What do
Speaker 3: we actually need to talk about. Let's let's focus on.
Speaker 1: That, not the end point. We're all focused on the end,
Speaker 1: like when will you forgive me? I don't know. When
Speaker 1: will you forget about it?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 1: So let's not talk about deadlines. Let's talk about what
Speaker 1: this relationship looks like. What the vocabulary around this conversation is,
Speaker 1: When should we bring it up, how should we raise it?
Speaker 1: Are we going to do therapy together? That's the conversations
Speaker 1: we want to be having if we both want this
Speaker 1: to work, and that's the critical starting point. Do we
Speaker 1: both want this to work? I think sometimes the person
Speaker 1: who's forgiving thinks, I'm gonna forgive you, this is going
Speaker 1: to work out. Ah, you made a decision on your own,
Speaker 1: but that person didn't have to do anything. You just said, Oh,
Speaker 1: I forgive you. Let's let's just move on. It's okay.
Speaker 1: But that person didn't get to take part in that decision.
Speaker 1: You don't even know if they want to be there.
Speaker 1: You don't even know if they want forgiveness or what
Speaker 1: that forgiveness looks like to them. So now you could
Speaker 1: be forgiving someone who's happy to continue to make that
Speaker 1: mistake because you never got their buy in on that decision.
Speaker 3: You just made. So you made it easier because you're like,
Speaker 3: I solved it. It's fit.
Speaker 1: I've forgiven it, let's move on, But you haven't because
Speaker 1: you don't know where they stand.
Speaker 2: Most times, I assume they're going to fake it or
Speaker 2: say no, no, no, I'm never going to do it again,
Speaker 2: and maybe in that moment they really believe it. But
Speaker 2: the deep work that you're really kind of breaking down,
Speaker 2: I think really brings everything to the surface. So there's
Speaker 2: nowhere to hide and there's no miscommunication. And I'm going
Speaker 2: to go back to I love that you're always saying,
Speaker 2: like the personal ownership part of it, because you couldn't
Speaker 2: control that they cheated on you, right, that's just freaking heartbreaking.
Speaker 2: But to be able to control how you navigate it
Speaker 2: afterwards instead of waiting for them to show you, instead
Speaker 2: of waiting for them to say they're sorry. So many times,
Speaker 2: I love that it's so important.
Speaker 3: You control it.
Speaker 1: You have the power, like, don't don't live in a
Speaker 1: world where you're giving them power again.
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, So this whole talk is really about building
Speaker 2: yourself worth, putting the validation on yourself, not expecting it
Speaker 2: for others. What are like five daily habits that you
Speaker 2: actually suggest that somebody does in order to build this
Speaker 2: self worth and make sure that they never sell in
Speaker 2: a relationship that isn't right for them.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: The first habit for self worth, i'd say, is take
Speaker 1: on a daily or weekly challenge. Take on a challenge
Speaker 1: that you set yourself. That you set the challenge, the limit,
Speaker 1: the time limit, how hard it is, the difficulty level,
Speaker 1: whether it's learning a new language, whether it's a new workout,
Speaker 1: whether it's a new sport, and your self worth will
Speaker 1: grow every time you accomplish a new level. Your Self
Speaker 1: worth grows when you do hard things, when you do
Speaker 1: uncomfortable things, when you do difficult things on your own
Speaker 1: and you see that you can do it right. When
Speaker 1: you see yourself lifting that much more in the gym,
Speaker 1: when you see yourself be feeling that much stronger, all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, your self worth grows because you get
Speaker 1: belief that I can do this right, this is possible
Speaker 1: for me. Another way you grow self worth is undoing
Speaker 1: and unwiring the trauma and the patterns that hold you
Speaker 1: back from the past. Now, what is a daily habit?
Speaker 3: How do you do that? As a daily habit.
Speaker 1: What you want to do is find one thing that
Speaker 1: you repeat that your parents did that you don't love.
Speaker 1: Just find one thing and what you want to do,
Speaker 1: is you want to be conscious of that one trigger
Speaker 1: and how it shows up in your life every day.
Speaker 1: You're not guilting yourself, you're not judging yourself. You're becoming
Speaker 1: aware of it so you can spot it and transform it.
Speaker 1: So for me, I'll give you an example. I found
Speaker 1: that a lot of my early caregivers overloved me, but
Speaker 1: then guilted me for not overloving them back. So they
Speaker 1: gave me lots of love, but then if I didn't
Speaker 1: give them back at the same level of love, they'd say,
Speaker 1: you don't love me. And I found myself doing that
Speaker 1: to RADI. I found myself doing that to my friends.
Speaker 1: I found myself doing that to people in my life.
Speaker 1: I'd overlove them and then guilt them for not loving me.
Speaker 1: So I found one thing, and I realized that guilting
Speaker 1: my wife didn't make her love me more and pushed
Speaker 1: her away. Guilting my wife made her feel that I
Speaker 1: didn't love her because I would treat her that way.
Speaker 1: And all I did for one year was I was
Speaker 1: aware of that every day, and every time I thought
Speaker 1: about guilting her, I would remind myself of how guilt
Speaker 1: didn't make me love.
Speaker 3: That person more.
Speaker 1: It pushed me away, and so that technique that I'd
Speaker 1: subconsciously picked up was actually breaking what I wanted. It
Speaker 1: wasn't actually getting me where I wanted. So become aware
Speaker 1: of just one pattern, get into the details of it
Speaker 1: like that. The third habit for self worth, i'd say,
Speaker 1: is ask people that you love and trust what you're
Speaker 1: really good at and what they noticed in you that
Speaker 1: they appreciate, because you'll find that often they'll say things
Speaker 1: that you've never even thought of. Ask them, what do
Speaker 1: I do really really well? What skill do I have?
Speaker 1: What do you appreciate you about me? What do you
Speaker 1: see about me? And these are people you love and trust,
Speaker 1: so it's not an uncomfortable conversation to have. Just be like,
Speaker 1: I'm doing a self worth exercise. I'm trying to learn
Speaker 1: more about myself. And one of the things Jane Lisa
Speaker 1: told me to do was to ask people that I
Speaker 1: love and trust what skills I have, what qualities I have,
Speaker 1: what they really.
Speaker 3: Admire about me? What I'm good at right, what I appreciate.
Speaker 1: Fourth step with the people that you're really close to
Speaker 1: be okay with asking what do I need to work
Speaker 1: on and work on that that will build self worth.
Speaker 1: Self worth isn't just about pumping yourself up. It's about
Speaker 1: noticing what's letting people down and building it and growing
Speaker 1: it and working on that. Not to become a people
Speaker 1: pleaser or to make it up to them to say, look,
Speaker 1: I've changed now, but to say, oh, I've identified that
Speaker 1: I can work on that. I'm confident working on it.
Speaker 1: Self worth is not being confident about what you're great at.
Speaker 1: It's being confident enough to accept that there are things
Speaker 1: you're bad at and working on them. That's what self
Speaker 1: worth is. I think we've painted self worth to be
Speaker 1: all about the light, the positive, the good. Self worth
Speaker 1: is being able to move in the shadows, to go
Speaker 1: into the cave of your darkness, the negativity, the bad,
Speaker 1: and feel comfortable in that and reconcile the two. That's
Speaker 1: what self worth's about. And the fifth and final one,
Speaker 1: i'd say is program your thoughts when you wake up
Speaker 1: and when you go to bed. There's something that I
Speaker 1: learned from a guest of mine called Raoul Johndiel, and
Speaker 1: he's a surgeon and a dreams expert, and he was
Speaker 1: talking about this idea of something called sleep entry and
Speaker 1: sleep exit, and so sleep entry is this idea of
Speaker 1: when you're just about to fall asleep, and sleep exit
Speaker 1: is almost when you're just about to wake up. And
Speaker 1: those moments are the moments where you can remember your dreams,
Speaker 1: you can program your subconscious thoughts.
Speaker 3: You're in that.
Speaker 1: Kind of mid state if you're not fully awaken, you're
Speaker 1: not fully asleep.
Speaker 3: It's a really interesting space to be.
Speaker 1: And I would encourage everyone to hold and program the
Speaker 1: thought that they want to have in those moments. So,
Speaker 1: if you think about it, you set an alarm the
Speaker 1: night before you wake up so that you can wake
Speaker 1: up in the morning. You don't set an alarm the
Speaker 1: minute you wake up. It doesn't make sense, you would
Speaker 1: never do that. So you have to code and program
Speaker 1: the thought you wake up with the night before.
Speaker 2: So small.
Speaker 1: So when I'm going to sleep, what is the thought
Speaker 1: I want to wake up with? I am energized, healthy, rested, rejuvenated,
Speaker 1: I am whatever it is. Program that thought the night before,
Speaker 1: wake up with that thought, and again choose that thought.
Speaker 1: So there are sixty to eighty thousand thoughts we have
Speaker 1: per day. Study show we have eighty percent negative, eighty
Speaker 1: percent repetitive thoughts so most of us are saying the
Speaker 1: same things to ourselves again and again. We wake up
Speaker 1: in the morning, I look tired, wake up in the morning.
Speaker 1: Or there's a spot on my face. Wake up in
Speaker 1: the morning. I've put on way wake up in the morning.
Speaker 1: You know, whatever it is, we're just saying negative things
Speaker 1: to ourselves. And guess what, you said the same things
Speaker 1: to yourself every day for years. That's what leads to burnout.
Speaker 1: Let's take ownership of that thought and every day plant
Speaker 1: the seed of the thought that you want to wake
Speaker 1: up with and that you want to sleep with, whatever
Speaker 1: it may be, whatever you're manifesting, whatever you're growing in
Speaker 1: your life. Because you already say the same things to
Speaker 1: yourself every day, So why not say things to yourself
Speaker 1: that you actually want to say.
Speaker 2: That's so good programming. How you want to wake up?
Speaker 2: How do you make sure that as you're falling asleep,
Speaker 2: you're not falling asleep with a negative thought? Because there's
Speaker 2: actually one of the interviews that I saw you I
Speaker 2: can't remember, it might have been with you and Rady
Speaker 2: where you said that when most of us are so
Speaker 2: busy all day that we don't give our brains to
Speaker 2: rest we go, go, go, and the only time we
Speaker 2: have a moment of rest is right before we go
Speaker 2: to bed, which is why all the negative thoughts come
Speaker 2: flooding to us right when we close our eyes. Yes,
Speaker 2: so what do you do to make sure the negative
Speaker 2: flooding doesn't come right before you go to bed?
Speaker 1: First of all, write down all of the negative thoughts
Speaker 1: and everything that's going on and everything you're thinking about
Speaker 1: in a book, a journal outside of your bedroom. Don't
Speaker 1: do it in bed. A lot of people sit in
Speaker 1: bed and start writing. Well, now the energy of your
Speaker 1: bed is heavy with all of the things you just wrote.
Speaker 1: Write about in another room. Leave it there, Put it
Speaker 1: on your phone, leave it there on a note, sapp
Speaker 1: But do it in another room when you get into bed. Either,
Speaker 1: listen to your voice repeating the words that you want
Speaker 1: in your head, so that you now start listening and
Speaker 1: trusting your own in a voice and having trust in
Speaker 1: your intuition.
Speaker 3: Read it again and again.
Speaker 1: If you don't like the sound of your voice and
Speaker 1: you think it's cringe, actually, then you should listen to
Speaker 1: it even more.
Speaker 3: So that you realize your voice. Yeah, prey, Read it again.
Speaker 1: And again and again off a piece of paper as
Speaker 1: it becomes your main thought, because it's all a repetition,
Speaker 1: and see how it feels in your body. So I
Speaker 1: always say, when you're repeating a phrase or a mantra,
Speaker 1: you have to believe it in your body. You have
Speaker 1: to mean it in your mind, and you have to
Speaker 1: feel it in your heart. So every time you say
Speaker 1: a statement, it's not just saying it, You're trying to
Speaker 1: believe it in your body.
Speaker 3: What does it feel like when I believe that's true
Speaker 3: for me?
Speaker 1: Like if I go to sleep believing I am waking
Speaker 1: up healthy, with juvenated and rested, I feel strong, I
Speaker 1: feel sturdy. I don't feel like this anymore if there's
Speaker 1: my body changes. If I'm going to mean it in
Speaker 1: my mind, I've got to focus on how powerful it
Speaker 1: is when I wake up with a really focused mindset.
Speaker 1: And finally, I've got a feel in my heart. I've
Speaker 1: got to feel what it feels like to live a
Speaker 1: day that starts off with health and abundance. When you
Speaker 1: can do it in that way reading or listening to
Speaker 1: your own voice, all of a sudden, it starts to
Speaker 1: become programmed.
Speaker 3: It's as simple as that. It's not complicated. That's so good.
Speaker 2: I'm actually going to start doing yeah, and.
Speaker 1: You whatever, whatever, affirmation, whatever, whatever you want to say.
Speaker 1: And it's not like some I always like to take
Speaker 1: away the mysticism of it. It's not magic. You're doing
Speaker 1: it anyway. You already tell yourself I sucked at work today.
Speaker 1: You're already telling yourself, Oh I didn't work out hard
Speaker 1: enough today.
Speaker 3: Oh I forgot to do this today.
Speaker 1: You're already doing it, so you're just replacing it with
Speaker 1: what you actually want to think that actually makes you better.
Speaker 3: You're It's not magic.
Speaker 2: I could talk to you forever.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 2: I love it.
Speaker 3: It's such a great conversation.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. You're going on tour, which is
Speaker 2: so exciting. Tell me about on tour. Where can people
Speaker 2: also buy tickets?
Speaker 1: Yes, I'm going on tour for the first time ever
Speaker 1: with the podcast, which i'd be interviewing special guests in
Speaker 1: fifteen cities across You.
Speaker 2: Have inspired me to you yes, to do it so much.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited about it because I know that there's
Speaker 1: people who listen to my podcast on purpose forget every week,
Speaker 1: every day, and I'm like, imagine being in the room
Speaker 1: with me and a special guest asking questions being present
Speaker 1: in the room. We're gonna have an interactive experience. Just
Speaker 1: the idea that you already tune in, why not coming
Speaker 1: and tune in person and so you can go to
Speaker 1: Jay Shetty dot me Forward slash Tour. So that's j
Speaker 1: Shelly dot me Forward slash Tour. And I can't wait
Speaker 1: to see everyone. I can't wait to just see the
Speaker 1: on purpose community that we built over the last six years.
Speaker 2: And it's so inspiring. And I love that you're trying
Speaker 2: new things. I love that people get to see you
Speaker 2: in person and they because you're in different cities as well,
Speaker 2: it allows other people if there in that city, they
Speaker 2: can go and watch you. That's so much And if
Speaker 2: anyone wants to just follow you in general.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Jay Sheddy across TikTok, Instagram, YouTube podcasts on Apple, Spotify,
Speaker 1: iHeart and all the all the apps.
Speaker 2: Yeah, anyway is only one Jay Sheddy.
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my
Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
Speaker 1: ex and find true love in your relationships.
Speaker 3: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion
Speaker 3: to your future self because Truly extending your compassion to
Speaker 3: your future self is doing something that gives him or
Speaker 3: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.