WEBVTT - Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People (Listen To This To Attract a Long Term Relationship And Stop Wasting Your Time In The Wrong Ones) With Lisa Bilyeu 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.880 Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm so grateful 0:00:03.920 --> 0:00:06.680 you're here. Whether it's your first time or you've been 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:09.520 on this journey with me for a while. This space 0:00:10.080 --> 0:00:13.040 is for you to listen, learn and grow. If you're 0:00:13.039 --> 0:00:16.440 hear it means you're dedicated to making this year the 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:20.840 best year of your life so far. Now, today's episode 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:23.520 is a little different, and I'm so excited to share 0:00:23.520 --> 0:00:26.960 it with you. Instead of me leading the conversation, I'm 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:31.040 the one answering the questions. This is a powerful discussion 0:00:31.120 --> 0:00:35.040 between me and Lisa Billu where she's interviewing me on 0:00:35.080 --> 0:00:39.280 some of the most important lessons I've learned about relationships. 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:42.000 I love this conversation I had with her, and I 0:00:42.040 --> 0:00:45.479 felt I really wanted you to hear it. Lisa is 0:00:45.680 --> 0:00:49.280 an absolute force. She asked me really deep questions that 0:00:49.400 --> 0:00:52.199 made me really reflect and whether you've just been through 0:00:52.240 --> 0:00:56.160 a breakup, whether someone's taken advantage of you, whether you 0:00:56.480 --> 0:01:01.320 feel like someone's just led you on. This episode is 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:05.080 for you. Thank you so much for listening. Let's dive 0:01:05.120 --> 0:01:12.200 in the number one health and wellness podcast, Shedy Jay Sheddy. 0:01:14.600 --> 0:01:17.720 So many women end up settling now, not because we 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:21.240 want to, but because we're scared. We're scared of being alone, 0:01:21.360 --> 0:01:24.720 we're scared of starting over, We're scared that maybe this 0:01:24.800 --> 0:01:27.200 as good as we can get. But that fear is 0:01:27.240 --> 0:01:30.400 actually then just keeping us stuck. So how on earth 0:01:30.400 --> 0:01:33.319 do we start making choices based on our worth? So 0:01:33.360 --> 0:01:35.679 we never settle for less than we deserve. 0:01:36.280 --> 0:01:40.160 There's three reasons that we settle. The first is we 0:01:40.240 --> 0:01:47.240 settle because the fear of being alone is greater than 0:01:47.360 --> 0:01:52.360 the pain of being with the wrong person. We settle 0:01:53.400 --> 0:02:00.400 because the suffering we understand feel safer than the happiness. 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:01.600 We haven't experienced yet. 0:02:02.240 --> 0:02:10.239 We settle because a part of us believes that familiarity 0:02:10.360 --> 0:02:12.760 is truth. And what I mean by that is when 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:16.760 you've experienced mediocrity for long enough, you start to believe 0:02:16.760 --> 0:02:20.320 it's destiny. You start to believe that's the life that's 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:24.080 been paid forward for you. But the deepest reason we settle, 0:02:25.280 --> 0:02:28.760 and it's something that you alluded to, is that we 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:33.079 think there's someone better out there, but we don't believe 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:34.799 they exist for us. 0:02:35.400 --> 0:02:37.239 And that's the most interesting part. 0:02:37.680 --> 0:02:41.440 We think there's someone better out there, but we don't 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:45.639 believe they exist for us. And it's because we have 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:50.960 such a limited, restricted view of ourselves. I don't think 0:02:51.000 --> 0:02:55.000 it's that we have low self esteem or poor self esteem. 0:02:55.040 --> 0:02:57.680 That's a part of it, But the bigger part is 0:02:57.760 --> 0:03:03.040 we don't actually realize what's possible for us, what's possible 0:03:03.120 --> 0:03:07.240 by us. And that comes because we've been told to 0:03:07.280 --> 0:03:11.440 play small, we've been told to shrink. We've had people 0:03:11.480 --> 0:03:15.400 in our life, relationships past x's, that have made us 0:03:15.480 --> 0:03:18.720 believe that if you play within the confines of these walls, 0:03:19.560 --> 0:03:22.400 that's all you're meant to be. And so I think 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:25.560 when I think about your question, the thing that comes 0:03:25.560 --> 0:03:30.440 to mind the most to me is I want people 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:34.800 to start by looking at their life as if they 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:38.400 didn't have any of those scripts. If you didn't have 0:03:38.480 --> 0:03:42.040 that script, if you haven't heard those lines, where would 0:03:42.040 --> 0:03:42.480 you start. 0:03:42.840 --> 0:03:43.640 And in order to do. 0:03:43.600 --> 0:03:46.360 This, Lisa, what's interesting is you actually have to disappear 0:03:46.520 --> 0:03:48.880 from your life. Now, what I mean by that is 0:03:48.920 --> 0:03:50.320 you don't have to run away, you don't have to 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:52.120 quit your job, you don't have to not hang out 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:55.160 with your friends, but you almost need to sometimes stop talking. 0:03:55.600 --> 0:03:57.480 I think the reason sometimes we feel we have too 0:03:57.520 --> 0:04:00.360 many opinions in our life is because we are the 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:04.200 wrong people the right questions? Right, we asked the right questions, 0:04:04.240 --> 0:04:06.040 like do you think this person's right for me? Do 0:04:06.040 --> 0:04:08.080 you think I should be in this relationship? Do you 0:04:08.120 --> 0:04:09.640 think this is the best I can do? But we 0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:12.000 ask them to the wrong people. And it's really interesting. 0:04:12.000 --> 0:04:14.880 We ask other people questions, but we never ask ourselves 0:04:14.920 --> 0:04:19.360 those questions. Yes, and we outsource and crowdsource these major 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:21.360 decisions in our life. And so what I mean by 0:04:21.400 --> 0:04:24.240 disappearing is we have to take a step back. We 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:26.320 have to shut our mouth, We have to close off 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:29.400 a little bit and go, am I asking the right 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:31.200 question to the right person? Or am I asking the 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:32.560 right question to the wrong person? 0:04:33.040 --> 0:04:35.320 Okay, so break that down even more because it's so 0:04:35.480 --> 0:04:38.320 hit me when you said we ask people's opinions and 0:04:38.320 --> 0:04:40.680 then we take that on. So like, let's just take families. 0:04:40.720 --> 0:04:43.960 Because I'm Orthodox and obviously you're Indians, So our family 0:04:44.000 --> 0:04:48.480 culture is very dominant, if you will, in dictating what 0:04:48.520 --> 0:04:50.480 we should do and how we should show up. So 0:04:50.560 --> 0:04:52.720 are you saying, for instance, if we ask our parents, hey, 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:54.200 what do you think of my partner? They're going to 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:56.680 come from their perspective based on what they think that 0:04:56.800 --> 0:04:58.159 you need in your life. 0:04:58.320 --> 0:05:02.120 Yes, when you ask someone a question, we think their 0:05:02.240 --> 0:05:06.360 answer is a prediction of the future, but actually it's 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:10.800 a projection of their values. It's a projection of their insecurities. 0:05:10.839 --> 0:05:13.839 It's a projection of what they believed was possible for them. 0:05:13.920 --> 0:05:17.000 I'll give you an example. I remember a friend of 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:20.440 mine was starting to date another girl that we knew, 0:05:21.040 --> 0:05:23.760 and when he asked all our guy friends what they 0:05:23.839 --> 0:05:27.400 thought of this girl, they all said, she's a bit dominant, 0:05:28.240 --> 0:05:31.560 she's a bit controlling. And it was really interesting because 0:05:31.560 --> 0:05:34.520 I was watching this happen. And he responded and said, 0:05:35.160 --> 0:05:37.000 I kind of like it when a woman's in charge. 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:39.200 He said, I really like it when a woman takes 0:05:39.200 --> 0:05:42.400 the lead and he goes. She may take the lead emotionally, 0:05:42.760 --> 0:05:45.200 but I take the lead financially and she goes. I'm 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:48.160 not threatened by that. I'm actually really comfortable about it. 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:51.920 But all of my other guy friends were really uncomfortable 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:54.760 about that. Now does this make them wrong in him right, No, 0:05:55.279 --> 0:05:57.920 it's just showing that we all have a different skew, 0:05:58.000 --> 0:06:01.800 we have a different priority, different take. But all of 0:06:01.839 --> 0:06:03.360 the guys were like, no, she's the worst, Like I 0:06:03.400 --> 0:06:05.640 would never date her like, don't go out with her, 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:09.240 and he's now happily married her and they have a 0:06:09.279 --> 0:06:11.760 great relationship. Now, if he would have listened to them 0:06:12.160 --> 0:06:14.520 because he thought, wait a minute, there's seven people here 0:06:14.520 --> 0:06:17.280 that I trust and respect telling me that this woman's 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:19.520 wrong for me, he would have made the wrong decision. 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:22.640 And so I think so many of us don't actually 0:06:22.680 --> 0:06:26.839 base our decisions on even our self worth or our 0:06:26.920 --> 0:06:29.800 self awareness or our self knowledge. We base it on 0:06:29.880 --> 0:06:34.120 other people's insecurities. And if you're making big decisions based 0:06:34.120 --> 0:06:37.880 on other people's little insecurities, you're setting yourself up for 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:40.960 a big failure because you may move away from someone 0:06:40.960 --> 0:06:43.560 who's so close to being the right person for you. 0:06:43.920 --> 0:06:46.680 Oh God, that's so true. Okay, So if you assess 0:06:47.279 --> 0:06:50.280 this is their belief, this is their opinion, how do 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:53.359 you then do your words disappear inwards so that you 0:06:53.400 --> 0:06:56.080 can start to listen to your own intuition. And then 0:06:56.160 --> 0:06:58.839 what if that intuition is saying I don't want you 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:01.640 to be alone, Because that's the second thing. It's like 0:07:01.680 --> 0:07:04.520 there's one thing listening to external, there's a nothing listening 0:07:04.560 --> 0:07:05.920 to your own insecurities. 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:09.200 Absolutely, you're spot on and The reason why you want 0:07:09.240 --> 0:07:11.200 to get to a point where you're only hearing your 0:07:11.280 --> 0:07:15.840 voice is one voice is easier to manage than thirty voices. 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:17.520 Right, Like, let's just be honest. 0:07:17.600 --> 0:07:21.600 Most of us are surrounded by thirty, forty to fifty opinions. 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:24.120 So yes, when you disappear, move away from all the opinions. 0:07:24.120 --> 0:07:26.120 The way I recommend you do that is doing a 0:07:26.240 --> 0:07:29.800 thirty day opinions fast and if thirty days is too long, 0:07:30.080 --> 0:07:32.280 try a seven day opinion fast. 0:07:32.440 --> 0:07:34.920 Right, So for seven days, any. 0:07:34.760 --> 0:07:37.600 Time you think about asking someone for their opinion, whether 0:07:37.640 --> 0:07:40.080 it's what should I wear, what should I eat? What 0:07:40.120 --> 0:07:42.440 movie should I watch? What TV show should I watch? 0:07:42.520 --> 0:07:45.120 For the next seven days, you're not allowed to ask anyone. 0:07:45.200 --> 0:07:46.920 So every time you have that inkling of oh, let 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:49.200 me just ask Lisa what should I do? No, no, no, 0:07:49.440 --> 0:07:52.640 I'm going to ask myself first. I'm going to ask 0:07:52.720 --> 0:07:55.720 myself and I'm going to have the courage to make 0:07:55.800 --> 0:07:58.080 the decision and go out there anyway. 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:00.000 So I'm going to resist that urge to try. 0:08:00.000 --> 0:08:02.160 If I on the outfit, take a picture, send it 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:05.080 to a group of friends, try on the other outfit. No, no, no, 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:07.560 I'm just gonna make a decision, and I'm going to 0:08:07.600 --> 0:08:10.840 see what it feels like. Let's start with really low 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:13.520 hanging fruit. Let's not do it when we're going to 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:15.960 like the biggest part of the year or whatever it is. 0:08:16.240 --> 0:08:18.200 Do it when you're going out for movie night, picking 0:08:18.240 --> 0:08:20.560 a dinner, picking a TV show to watch. Make it 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:23.040 really simple. Do it for the simple things. When you 0:08:23.080 --> 0:08:25.880 start doing it for the simple things, what happens you 0:08:25.920 --> 0:08:29.480 start realizing there was no right outfit, You start realizing 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:32.840 there was no right pair of earrings. All you realize 0:08:33.080 --> 0:08:36.280 is that you start trusting your own voice inside, You 0:08:36.320 --> 0:08:40.840 start trusting your choice, or you start realizing when you 0:08:40.880 --> 0:08:42.480 could have landed a little bit, when you could have 0:08:42.520 --> 0:08:45.440 got something better, there was something that was editable. And 0:08:45.480 --> 0:08:47.800 now you've realized it's all doable. It's not life or death. 0:08:47.960 --> 0:08:49.840 So you've got to start with the small stuff. And 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:51.960 the reason, Lisa, I say start with the small stuff 0:08:52.280 --> 0:08:55.199 is because that voice, that inner voice that you and 0:08:55.240 --> 0:08:58.880 me have, has got so quiet, it's got so weak. 0:08:59.320 --> 0:09:01.320 That's what that in a child, that in a voice 0:09:01.360 --> 0:09:03.640 is like inside of us. You can barely hear it. 0:09:04.280 --> 0:09:08.199 So that's step one, step two, Like you said, now 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:10.920 you realize it's actually your voice. You're sitting there on 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:13.440 your own and your voice says, I hate being alone. 0:09:14.120 --> 0:09:18.600 I hate being alone. I hate being alone. There's three 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:21.080 things that are important when you hear the words I 0:09:21.120 --> 0:09:24.959 hate being alone. The first is, all the studies show 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:27.959 that when we make a decision because we don't want 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:31.120 to be alone, we pick the wrong person. All the 0:09:31.160 --> 0:09:34.520 studies show we stay with the wrong person when we're 0:09:34.520 --> 0:09:37.640 scared of being alone. And thirdly, we settle for less 0:09:37.640 --> 0:09:40.760 than we deserve. We have to realize that the person 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:45.040 you're going to pick when you're alone is almost guaranteed 0:09:45.400 --> 0:09:48.720 to be the wrong person. You're going to accept behavior 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:51.480 you never would. You're going to settle for language you 0:09:51.520 --> 0:09:55.200 never would, You're going to accept actions that you never would, 0:09:55.480 --> 0:09:58.360 because that's where your decisions being made. Now, that's logic, 0:09:59.040 --> 0:10:01.760 But the voice I'm being alone is not logical. The 0:10:01.880 --> 0:10:05.000 voice I'm scared of being alone is emotional. I think 0:10:05.080 --> 0:10:07.400 so many people today who are desperate and scared of 0:10:07.440 --> 0:10:11.679 being single don't realize that that pain of being single 0:10:12.320 --> 0:10:15.120 is far less than the pain of being in a 0:10:15.160 --> 0:10:18.440 relationship and wanting a divorce or a breakup. When you're 0:10:18.480 --> 0:10:21.040 in that position, you can't get out of it. It's 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:24.559 a lot harder than the pain of will I find someone? 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:27.600 If you've got the courage, and I really believe everyone 0:10:27.640 --> 0:10:29.920 gets to this point in their life. You have to 0:10:29.920 --> 0:10:33.640 sit with yourself and ask yourself, why why am I 0:10:33.679 --> 0:10:36.800 scared of being alone? Where did that come from? Is 0:10:36.840 --> 0:10:39.160 it because everyone in my family always told me that 0:10:39.240 --> 0:10:42.240 marriage was the pinnacle of life. Is it because all 0:10:42.280 --> 0:10:45.240 of my friends are getting engaged and proposed to Is 0:10:45.280 --> 0:10:47.560 it because I grew up in a big family and 0:10:47.600 --> 0:10:50.640 I like being surrounded by people. Is it because I 0:10:50.679 --> 0:10:52.520 don't have someone to go to movies with or I 0:10:52.559 --> 0:10:54.800 don't have someone to go out to brunch with on 0:10:54.840 --> 0:10:55.440 the weekend? 0:10:55.760 --> 0:10:56.600 What is it? 0:10:57.480 --> 0:11:00.600 And then what you do is, for each knee that 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:03.880 you think a partner is going to solve, you find 0:11:03.920 --> 0:11:06.280 another person in your life who can solve it. So 0:11:06.360 --> 0:11:12.400 make a list, brunch, watching movies, going out, vulnerable talk. 0:11:12.600 --> 0:11:14.720 Whatever it is that you think a partner is going 0:11:14.760 --> 0:11:18.080 to provide, go and find one friend that solves it, 0:11:18.480 --> 0:11:20.880 and all of a sudden, your life starts to feel full. 0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:21.439 All of a. 0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:25.400 Sudden, you're not alone anymore because you found friendship, you 0:11:25.480 --> 0:11:28.880 found connection. Now you're in a position of peace. I'll 0:11:28.880 --> 0:11:32.720 give an example. Actually, Lisa so I became Match dot 0:11:32.720 --> 0:11:36.840 COM's relationship advisor a year ago, and the goal was 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:40.679 I wanted to create a platform where I could create 0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:43.880 my philosophy but make it practical anyway. The reason I 0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:45.600 say that is we did an event for one hundred 0:11:45.600 --> 0:11:49.440 singles in LA just two three weeks ago. Everyone came 0:11:49.520 --> 0:11:52.760 with open minds. It was really interesting. But the reason 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:55.720 I brought it up is I was talking to people 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:59.080 about how we have two mindsets when it comes to 0:11:59.160 --> 0:12:03.559 dating and finding love. One is we have a passive mindset, 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:06.760 or it will happen when it happens. Oh you know, 0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:08.920 I'm not really looking for it, it will just appear. 0:12:09.679 --> 0:12:13.640 And secretly, deep down we're really scared and insecure, but 0:12:13.720 --> 0:12:15.640 we have this passive exterior. 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:18.319 Well, because if you're passive, you're not putting yourself out there, 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:20.079 you don't feel rejected exactly. 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:22.080 And then the second thing we have I was telling 0:12:22.120 --> 0:12:26.640 this group is that you have a pressure filled mindset. 0:12:27.040 --> 0:12:28.240 So the pressure is, oh. 0:12:28.080 --> 0:12:30.439 My god, everyone's got engaged, Oh my god, everyone's got married, 0:12:30.440 --> 0:12:32.760 Oh my god, everyone's having kids. Oh my god, everyone's daying. 0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:35.520 Oh my god, everyone's on vacation. So now it's like desperation. 0:12:36.960 --> 0:12:44.240 How will being passive or feeling pressure ever ever attract love? 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:50.560 Being passive doesn't attract love, Feeling pressure and desperation doesn't 0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:55.240 attract love. The state that attracts love is peace or 0:12:55.240 --> 0:12:57.320 at least it attracts a peaceful love, which is what 0:12:57.400 --> 0:13:00.760 I think we all truly want. And so if you're passive, 0:13:01.200 --> 0:13:06.240 you'll attract a neglectful love. If you're desperate, you'll attract 0:13:06.400 --> 0:13:10.400 a weak love. But if you're peaceful, to attract a 0:13:10.400 --> 0:13:13.240 peaceful love. And the reason I say this is if 0:13:13.240 --> 0:13:14.920 you were able to come up with all the reasons 0:13:14.960 --> 0:13:17.920 you don't want to be alone and find people to 0:13:18.040 --> 0:13:19.840 help with all of those feelings, you're now in a 0:13:19.840 --> 0:13:20.480 state of peace. 0:13:20.960 --> 0:13:22.600 That's why. That's the answer that works. 0:13:24.000 --> 0:13:27.120 Dude. That was so good. Okay, So let's say you've 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:29.200 done the work that you've just laid out and you 0:13:29.320 --> 0:13:32.120 really start to go inwards. But there's also the person 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:35.040 that ends up choosing the wrong person time and time 0:13:35.080 --> 0:13:38.880 again and becomes this toxic cycle. And I'm really curious 0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:41.240 on why on Earth sometimes we go for the person 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:43.640 that isn't right for us and ignore the person that 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:45.240 actually is right for us. 0:13:45.360 --> 0:13:46.920 Oh gosh, such a good question. 0:13:47.200 --> 0:13:49.560 Is Honestly, I can think of like at least five 0:13:49.600 --> 0:13:53.040 people I know that are in that position. And everything 0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:55.280 I'm about to say, I want it to be noted 0:13:55.280 --> 0:13:57.960 that I'm saying it from a place of empathy and compassion, 0:13:58.520 --> 0:14:02.440 because this is about judgment and it isn't about shame, 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:05.320 and it isn't about guilt. Because I think often we 0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:08.160 feel that way. We're scared of actually saying this to 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:10.199 our friends because we're scared they'll judge us and say 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:12.760 we told you so. We're scared of telling our families 0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:15.080 because they'll say, I knew that guy wasn't right for you, 0:14:15.120 --> 0:14:17.559 and all of a sudden you feel shamed and guilted. 0:14:17.559 --> 0:14:20.320 And I always say to people, guilt blocks growth and 0:14:20.480 --> 0:14:23.400 shame blocks shifts. You're not going to get from guilt 0:14:23.760 --> 0:14:25.960 and shame to growth and shifting. 0:14:26.000 --> 0:14:27.120 It's just not going to happen. 0:14:27.920 --> 0:14:32.800 So the reason we're chasing the wrong person is because 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:34.440 we're running away from the right person. 0:14:35.080 --> 0:14:35.280 Right. 0:14:35.520 --> 0:14:42.040 We've confused inconsistency with excitement, and we've confused stability with boredom. 0:14:42.880 --> 0:14:51.880 We've confused attention with love, and we've confused effort with desperation. 0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:56.280 If someone puts in effort, we see them as being desperate. 0:14:57.000 --> 0:15:01.200 If someone puts in time, we see them as being needy. 0:15:01.280 --> 0:15:05.080 If someone turns up and shows up, we think they're 0:15:05.080 --> 0:15:09.480 the one who needs us. Because we've convinced ourselves that 0:15:09.640 --> 0:15:15.440 love is chasing someone rather than wanting someone who never 0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:20.600 wants to leave. We've convinced ourselves that this treadmill, this 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:25.200 rat race of convincing someone to stay is what love is. 0:15:25.760 --> 0:15:28.720 And so I think the problem is we've created very 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:31.840 unhealthy views of love. And by the way, I see 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:34.120 this all the time. At that event that I was 0:15:34.160 --> 0:15:36.280 just talking about, one of the guys, he said to me, 0:15:36.320 --> 0:15:39.680 he said, why is it that when someone's putting effort, 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:45.920 I feel like they're not attractive? And I said, because 0:15:45.960 --> 0:15:49.120 you're thinking about the next three to six months and 0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:52.600 not thinking about the next five to ten years. I 0:15:52.640 --> 0:15:55.640 promise you, in five to ten years, you want someone 0:15:56.040 --> 0:15:57.760 who wants to sit with you and do nothing on 0:15:57.800 --> 0:16:01.200 the couch. In five to ten years, you'll want someone 0:16:01.520 --> 0:16:03.800 who texts you every day to check in with how 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:06.920 work is. In five to ten years, you'll want someone 0:16:07.160 --> 0:16:10.440 who when they're traveling, don't forget to call you because 0:16:10.440 --> 0:16:12.880 they want to make sure that you've checked in. But 0:16:13.000 --> 0:16:14.840 if for the first three to six months you kind 0:16:14.840 --> 0:16:19.000 of want someone who's giving you two things. You want 0:16:19.080 --> 0:16:22.640 someone who's giving you a feeling of excitement and a 0:16:22.680 --> 0:16:27.360 feeling of stress, because that's ultimately what chemistry is. Right, 0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:30.200 Will they give me their number? That's the stress. The 0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:33.920 excitement is I got their number. The stress is, oh 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:36.480 my god, what should I text them? The excitement is, 0:16:36.520 --> 0:16:39.200 oh my god, they just text me back. The stress is, 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:41.360 oh my gosh, are they going to say yes to 0:16:41.400 --> 0:16:44.440 a second date? The excitement is yes, they just said yes. 0:16:44.640 --> 0:16:47.720 And so this kind of oscillating feeling of stress and 0:16:47.800 --> 0:16:51.840 excitement is what creates the spark, is what creates chemistry. Now, 0:16:51.840 --> 0:16:53.600 when you've been in a long term relationship like you 0:16:53.600 --> 0:16:56.600 and Tom have, or slightly shorter than me and RADI 0:16:56.640 --> 0:17:01.200 have had, now, you don't get stress and excitement. Most 0:17:01.200 --> 0:17:04.160 of it just becomes peace. I don't need to stress 0:17:04.560 --> 0:17:07.119 whether Ruddy's going to be at home tonight, because I 0:17:07.119 --> 0:17:09.680 know she's at home tonight. So the problem is we've 0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:14.080 got to make ourselves realize that what you want now 0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:17.400 and what's right for your future are not the same thing. 0:17:17.960 --> 0:17:19.720 And if you want to live in this bubble of 0:17:19.760 --> 0:17:23.760 excitement and stress, that's going to go anyway. So why 0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:27.399 not find someone who doesn't give you stress, who doesn't 0:17:27.400 --> 0:17:30.840 bring you anxiety, who doesn't make you feel nervous. Now 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:33.320 I'm not saying you shouldn't feel excited to see that person, 0:17:34.280 --> 0:17:37.040 but there's a big difference between excitement and anxiety. 0:17:37.680 --> 0:17:40.359 God, everything you're saying really hit me in the sense 0:17:40.400 --> 0:17:42.560 of I had been there once upon a time with 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:43.359 my ex boyfriend. 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:44.280 He was very toxic. 0:17:44.320 --> 0:17:47.119 He was very verbally abusive, and I literally when I 0:17:47.240 --> 0:17:49.320 left him. When I finally found the courage day, I 0:17:49.480 --> 0:17:51.439 was like, I'm going to find a guy that likes me, 0:17:51.760 --> 0:17:55.560 that's nice, that's kind, that's considerate. I found a guy 0:17:55.640 --> 0:17:58.159 that was nice, kind and considerate before Tom and I 0:17:58.240 --> 0:17:59.159 was like, well, this is boring. 0:17:59.480 --> 0:18:02.640 So again, a really really interesting thing happened at this event. 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:06.040 I found out in my teens that a lot of 0:18:06.040 --> 0:18:09.560 my guy friends had a technique they used, and their 0:18:09.600 --> 0:18:13.840 technique was to pick on women or notice something. 0:18:13.560 --> 0:18:14.800 That was a flaw about them. 0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:16.639 So every other guy would come up to you and 0:18:16.640 --> 0:18:18.840 be like, I really liked your shoes, or oh, you 0:18:18.840 --> 0:18:21.439 have a beautiful smile, or oh, I really like your eyes, 0:18:21.960 --> 0:18:24.720 and they'd get looked over, and one guy would come 0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:29.119 up and he would say, there's something off about you today. 0:18:30.080 --> 0:18:30.600 I'm not sure. 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:33.359 The energy around you is just I don't know. It 0:18:33.359 --> 0:18:35.320 feels like there's something, but I don't know. You're like 0:18:35.359 --> 0:18:37.679 holding back, and all of a sudden, that woman is 0:18:37.720 --> 0:18:41.879 spending the whole evening thinking about that guy. This happened 0:18:41.880 --> 0:18:44.679 to one of my team members a couple of months back, 0:18:45.040 --> 0:18:48.440 and someone came up to her and said, that coat 0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:51.360 you're wearing today just feels like you're scared of opening up. 0:18:52.680 --> 0:18:55.200 And she was thinking about that guy the whole night. 0:18:55.760 --> 0:18:57.359 And there were other men who came and told her 0:18:57.400 --> 0:18:59.160 positive things and beautiful things and whatever. 0:18:59.200 --> 0:19:00.080 She couldn't think about it. 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:03.280 And so I think a lot of men have used 0:19:03.280 --> 0:19:07.160 that technique to get attention. And it sounds crazy because 0:19:07.160 --> 0:19:09.840 when you hear it, it logically doesn't make sense, but 0:19:09.920 --> 0:19:11.480 when you think about it in the moment, you're like, yeah, 0:19:11.480 --> 0:19:13.480 of course that makes sense, because you feel they sense 0:19:13.520 --> 0:19:14.720 something about you. 0:19:14.720 --> 0:19:16.960 You feel they noticed your energy, but they didn't. 0:19:17.200 --> 0:19:18.600 They were just trying to find a way and that 0:19:18.880 --> 0:19:20.840 when you were six years old, that was pulling your hair. 0:19:21.320 --> 0:19:24.520 But this is the updated version that women experience today. 0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:28.440 And so we love that mystery. We love that feeling 0:19:28.480 --> 0:19:30.840 of like, oh well, if he's being mean, that's just 0:19:30.880 --> 0:19:33.359 his way of flirting with me. But do you want 0:19:33.400 --> 0:19:35.080 someone who's mean when they flatter? 0:19:35.800 --> 0:19:35.919 Like? 0:19:36.040 --> 0:19:37.880 Is that what you want? Is that how you want 0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:41.840 to feel? So I don't want someone who notices my 0:19:41.960 --> 0:19:45.080 weaknesses before they notice my greatness. And so I think 0:19:45.119 --> 0:19:46.959 it's a matter of priority. But it does come from 0:19:47.040 --> 0:19:49.520 childhood and it continues on. I think a big part 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:53.160 of it is also we've never seen positive relationships mirrored 0:19:53.240 --> 0:19:55.240 for us, Like when did you grow up? If you 0:19:55.280 --> 0:19:59.439 could remember one positive relationship growing up, I don't think 0:19:59.480 --> 0:20:01.840 I saw that. And so people are mirroring what they 0:20:01.920 --> 0:20:04.840 saw on TV, They're mirroring what they saw at home, 0:20:05.280 --> 0:20:08.080 they're mirroring what they saw in magazines. I mean, me, 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:11.320 as an Indian boy growing up in London grew up. 0:20:11.359 --> 0:20:12.800 If you asked me who I was attracted to, I 0:20:12.840 --> 0:20:14.840 was attracted to blonde. 0:20:14.520 --> 0:20:15.840 Head women with blue eyes. 0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:19.720 But I'd never probably even met someone with blonde hair 0:20:19.760 --> 0:20:22.040 and blue eyes, but that's what I was told to 0:20:22.119 --> 0:20:24.720 fall in love with. That's what was marketed to me, 0:20:25.200 --> 0:20:27.800 and so I think we underestimate how much marketing has 0:20:27.840 --> 0:20:30.359 an impact on us. When I was going to propose 0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:32.680 to RADI, I asked my brother in law how much 0:20:32.720 --> 0:20:36.080 I should spend on an engagement ring, and he said, 0:20:36.119 --> 0:20:39.080