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Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm so grateful

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Speaker 1: you're here. Whether it's your first time or you've been

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Speaker 1: on this journey with me for a while. This space

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Speaker 1: is for you to listen, learn and grow. If you're

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Speaker 1: hear it means you're dedicated to making this year the

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Speaker 1: best year of your life so far. Now, today's episode

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Speaker 1: is a little different, and I'm so excited to share

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Speaker 1: it with you. Instead of me leading the conversation, I'm

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Speaker 1: the one answering the questions. This is a powerful discussion

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Speaker 1: between me and Lisa Billu where she's interviewing me on

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Speaker 1: some of the most important lessons I've learned about relationships.

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Speaker 1: I love this conversation I had with her, and I

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Speaker 1: felt I really wanted you to hear it. Lisa is

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Speaker 1: an absolute force. She asked me really deep questions that

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Speaker 1: made me really reflect and whether you've just been through

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Speaker 1: a breakup, whether someone's taken advantage of you, whether you

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Speaker 1: feel like someone's just led you on. This episode is

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Speaker 1: for you. Thank you so much for listening. Let's dive

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Speaker 1: in the number one health and wellness podcast, Shedy Jay Sheddy.

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Speaker 2: So many women end up settling now, not because we

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Speaker 2: want to, but because we're scared. We're scared of being alone,

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Speaker 2: we're scared of starting over, We're scared that maybe this

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Speaker 2: as good as we can get. But that fear is

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Speaker 2: actually then just keeping us stuck. So how on earth

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Speaker 2: do we start making choices based on our worth? So

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Speaker 2: we never settle for less than we deserve.

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Speaker 1: There's three reasons that we settle. The first is we

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Speaker 1: settle because the fear of being alone is greater than

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Speaker 1: the pain of being with the wrong person. We settle

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Speaker 1: because the suffering we understand feel safer than the happiness.

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Speaker 3: We haven't experienced yet.

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Speaker 1: We settle because a part of us believes that familiarity

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Speaker 1: is truth. And what I mean by that is when

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Speaker 1: you've experienced mediocrity for long enough, you start to believe

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Speaker 1: it's destiny. You start to believe that's the life that's

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Speaker 1: been paid forward for you. But the deepest reason we settle,

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Speaker 1: and it's something that you alluded to, is that we

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Speaker 1: think there's someone better out there, but we don't believe

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Speaker 1: they exist for us.

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Speaker 3: And that's the most interesting part.

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Speaker 1: We think there's someone better out there, but we don't

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Speaker 1: believe they exist for us. And it's because we have

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Speaker 1: such a limited, restricted view of ourselves. I don't think

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Speaker 1: it's that we have low self esteem or poor self esteem.

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Speaker 1: That's a part of it, But the bigger part is

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Speaker 1: we don't actually realize what's possible for us, what's possible

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Speaker 1: by us. And that comes because we've been told to

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Speaker 1: play small, we've been told to shrink. We've had people

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Speaker 1: in our life, relationships past x's, that have made us

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Speaker 1: believe that if you play within the confines of these walls,

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Speaker 1: that's all you're meant to be. And so I think

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Speaker 1: when I think about your question, the thing that comes

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Speaker 1: to mind the most to me is I want people

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Speaker 1: to start by looking at their life as if they

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Speaker 1: didn't have any of those scripts. If you didn't have

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Speaker 1: that script, if you haven't heard those lines, where would

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Speaker 1: you start.

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Speaker 3: And in order to do.

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Speaker 1: This, Lisa, what's interesting is you actually have to disappear

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Speaker 1: from your life. Now, what I mean by that is

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Speaker 1: you don't have to run away, you don't have to

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Speaker 1: quit your job, you don't have to not hang out

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Speaker 1: with your friends, but you almost need to sometimes stop talking.

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Speaker 1: I think the reason sometimes we feel we have too

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Speaker 1: many opinions in our life is because we are the

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Speaker 1: wrong people the right questions? Right, we asked the right questions,

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Speaker 1: like do you think this person's right for me? Do

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Speaker 1: you think I should be in this relationship? Do you

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Speaker 1: think this is the best I can do? But we

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Speaker 1: ask them to the wrong people. And it's really interesting.

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Speaker 1: We ask other people questions, but we never ask ourselves

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Speaker 1: those questions. Yes, and we outsource and crowdsource these major

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Speaker 1: decisions in our life. And so what I mean by

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Speaker 1: disappearing is we have to take a step back. We

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Speaker 1: have to shut our mouth, We have to close off

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Speaker 1: a little bit and go, am I asking the right

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Speaker 1: question to the right person? Or am I asking the

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Speaker 1: right question to the wrong person?

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Speaker 2: Okay, so break that down even more because it's so

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Speaker 2: hit me when you said we ask people's opinions and

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Speaker 2: then we take that on. So like, let's just take families.

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Speaker 2: Because I'm Orthodox and obviously you're Indians, So our family

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Speaker 2: culture is very dominant, if you will, in dictating what

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Speaker 2: we should do and how we should show up. So

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Speaker 2: are you saying, for instance, if we ask our parents, hey,

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Speaker 2: what do you think of my partner? They're going to

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Speaker 2: come from their perspective based on what they think that

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Speaker 2: you need in your life.

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Speaker 1: Yes, when you ask someone a question, we think their

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Speaker 1: answer is a prediction of the future, but actually it's

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Speaker 1: a projection of their values. It's a projection of their insecurities.

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Speaker 1: It's a projection of what they believed was possible for them.

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Speaker 1: I'll give you an example. I remember a friend of

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Speaker 1: mine was starting to date another girl that we knew,

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Speaker 1: and when he asked all our guy friends what they

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Speaker 1: thought of this girl, they all said, she's a bit dominant,

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Speaker 1: she's a bit controlling. And it was really interesting because

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Speaker 1: I was watching this happen. And he responded and said,

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Speaker 1: I kind of like it when a woman's in charge.

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Speaker 1: He said, I really like it when a woman takes

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Speaker 1: the lead and he goes. She may take the lead emotionally,

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Speaker 1: but I take the lead financially and she goes. I'm

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Speaker 1: not threatened by that. I'm actually really comfortable about it.

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Speaker 1: But all of my other guy friends were really uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: about that. Now does this make them wrong in him right, No,

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Speaker 1: it's just showing that we all have a different skew,

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Speaker 1: we have a different priority, different take. But all of

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Speaker 1: the guys were like, no, she's the worst, Like I

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Speaker 1: would never date her like, don't go out with her,

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Speaker 1: and he's now happily married her and they have a

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Speaker 1: great relationship. Now, if he would have listened to them

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Speaker 1: because he thought, wait a minute, there's seven people here

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Speaker 1: that I trust and respect telling me that this woman's

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Speaker 1: wrong for me, he would have made the wrong decision.

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Speaker 1: And so I think so many of us don't actually

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Speaker 1: base our decisions on even our self worth or our

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Speaker 1: self awareness or our self knowledge. We base it on

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Speaker 1: other people's insecurities. And if you're making big decisions based

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Speaker 1: on other people's little insecurities, you're setting yourself up for

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Speaker 1: a big failure because you may move away from someone

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Speaker 1: who's so close to being the right person for you.

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Speaker 2: Oh God, that's so true. Okay, So if you assess

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Speaker 2: this is their belief, this is their opinion, how do

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Speaker 2: you then do your words disappear inwards so that you

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Speaker 2: can start to listen to your own intuition. And then

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Speaker 2: what if that intuition is saying I don't want you

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Speaker 2: to be alone, Because that's the second thing. It's like

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Speaker 2: there's one thing listening to external, there's a nothing listening

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Speaker 2: to your own insecurities.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, you're spot on and The reason why you want

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Speaker 1: to get to a point where you're only hearing your

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Speaker 1: voice is one voice is easier to manage than thirty voices.

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Speaker 3: Right, Like, let's just be honest.

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Speaker 1: Most of us are surrounded by thirty, forty to fifty opinions.

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Speaker 1: So yes, when you disappear, move away from all the opinions.

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Speaker 1: The way I recommend you do that is doing a

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Speaker 1: thirty day opinions fast and if thirty days is too long,

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Speaker 1: try a seven day opinion fast.

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Speaker 3: Right, So for seven days, any.

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Speaker 1: Time you think about asking someone for their opinion, whether

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Speaker 1: it's what should I wear, what should I eat? What

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Speaker 1: movie should I watch? What TV show should I watch?

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Speaker 1: For the next seven days, you're not allowed to ask anyone.

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Speaker 1: So every time you have that inkling of oh, let

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Speaker 1: me just ask Lisa what should I do? No, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to ask myself first. I'm going to ask

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Speaker 1: myself and I'm going to have the courage to make

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Speaker 1: the decision and go out there anyway.

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Speaker 3: So I'm going to resist that urge to try.

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Speaker 1: If I on the outfit, take a picture, send it

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Speaker 1: to a group of friends, try on the other outfit. No, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm just gonna make a decision, and I'm going to

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Speaker 1: see what it feels like. Let's start with really low

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Speaker 1: hanging fruit. Let's not do it when we're going to

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Speaker 1: like the biggest part of the year or whatever it is.

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Speaker 1: Do it when you're going out for movie night, picking

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Speaker 1: a dinner, picking a TV show to watch. Make it

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Speaker 1: really simple. Do it for the simple things. When you

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Speaker 1: start doing it for the simple things, what happens you

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Speaker 1: start realizing there was no right outfit, You start realizing

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Speaker 1: there was no right pair of earrings. All you realize

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Speaker 1: is that you start trusting your own voice inside, You

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Speaker 1: start trusting your choice, or you start realizing when you

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Speaker 1: could have landed a little bit, when you could have

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Speaker 1: got something better, there was something that was editable. And

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Speaker 1: now you've realized it's all doable. It's not life or death.

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Speaker 1: So you've got to start with the small stuff. And

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Speaker 1: the reason, Lisa, I say start with the small stuff

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Speaker 1: is because that voice, that inner voice that you and

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Speaker 1: me have, has got so quiet, it's got so weak.

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Speaker 1: That's what that in a child, that in a voice

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Speaker 1: is like inside of us. You can barely hear it.

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Speaker 1: So that's step one, step two, Like you said, now

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Speaker 1: you realize it's actually your voice. You're sitting there on

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Speaker 1: your own and your voice says, I hate being alone.

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Speaker 1: I hate being alone. I hate being alone. There's three

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Speaker 1: things that are important when you hear the words I

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Speaker 1: hate being alone. The first is, all the studies show

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Speaker 1: that when we make a decision because we don't want

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Speaker 1: to be alone, we pick the wrong person. All the

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Speaker 1: studies show we stay with the wrong person when we're

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Speaker 1: scared of being alone. And thirdly, we settle for less

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Speaker 1: than we deserve. We have to realize that the person

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Speaker 1: you're going to pick when you're alone is almost guaranteed

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Speaker 1: to be the wrong person. You're going to accept behavior

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Speaker 1: you never would. You're going to settle for language you

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Speaker 1: never would, You're going to accept actions that you never would,

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Speaker 1: because that's where your decisions being made. Now, that's logic,

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Speaker 1: But the voice I'm being alone is not logical. The

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Speaker 1: voice I'm scared of being alone is emotional. I think

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Speaker 1: so many people today who are desperate and scared of

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Speaker 1: being single don't realize that that pain of being single

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Speaker 1: is far less than the pain of being in a

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Speaker 1: relationship and wanting a divorce or a breakup. When you're

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Speaker 1: in that position, you can't get out of it. It's

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Speaker 1: a lot harder than the pain of will I find someone?

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Speaker 1: If you've got the courage, and I really believe everyone

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Speaker 1: gets to this point in their life. You have to

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Speaker 1: sit with yourself and ask yourself, why why am I

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Speaker 1: scared of being alone? Where did that come from? Is

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Speaker 1: it because everyone in my family always told me that

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Speaker 1: marriage was the pinnacle of life. Is it because all

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Speaker 1: of my friends are getting engaged and proposed to Is

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Speaker 1: it because I grew up in a big family and

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Speaker 1: I like being surrounded by people. Is it because I

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Speaker 1: don't have someone to go to movies with or I

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Speaker 1: don't have someone to go out to brunch with on

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Speaker 1: the weekend?

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Speaker 3: What is it?

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Speaker 1: And then what you do is, for each knee that

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Speaker 1: you think a partner is going to solve, you find

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Speaker 1: another person in your life who can solve it. So

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Speaker 1: make a list, brunch, watching movies, going out, vulnerable talk.

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Speaker 1: Whatever it is that you think a partner is going

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Speaker 1: to provide, go and find one friend that solves it,

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Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, your life starts to feel full.

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Speaker 3: All of a.

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Speaker 1: Sudden, you're not alone anymore because you found friendship, you

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Speaker 1: found connection. Now you're in a position of peace. I'll

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Speaker 1: give an example. Actually, Lisa so I became Match dot

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Speaker 1: COM's relationship advisor a year ago, and the goal was

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Speaker 1: I wanted to create a platform where I could create

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Speaker 1: my philosophy but make it practical anyway. The reason I

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Speaker 1: say that is we did an event for one hundred

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Speaker 1: singles in LA just two three weeks ago. Everyone came

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Speaker 1: with open minds. It was really interesting. But the reason

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Speaker 1: I brought it up is I was talking to people

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Speaker 1: about how we have two mindsets when it comes to

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Speaker 1: dating and finding love. One is we have a passive mindset,

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Speaker 1: or it will happen when it happens. Oh you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm not really looking for it, it will just appear.

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Speaker 1: And secretly, deep down we're really scared and insecure, but

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Speaker 1: we have this passive exterior.

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Speaker 2: Well, because if you're passive, you're not putting yourself out there,

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Speaker 2: you don't feel rejected exactly.

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Speaker 1: And then the second thing we have I was telling

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Speaker 1: this group is that you have a pressure filled mindset.

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Speaker 3: So the pressure is, oh.

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Speaker 1: My god, everyone's got engaged, Oh my god, everyone's got married,

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, everyone's having kids. Oh my god, everyone's daying.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, everyone's on vacation. So now it's like desperation.

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Speaker 1: How will being passive or feeling pressure ever ever attract love?

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Speaker 1: Being passive doesn't attract love, Feeling pressure and desperation doesn't

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Speaker 1: attract love. The state that attracts love is peace or

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Speaker 1: at least it attracts a peaceful love, which is what

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Speaker 1: I think we all truly want. And so if you're passive,

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Speaker 1: you'll attract a neglectful love. If you're desperate, you'll attract

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Speaker 1: a weak love. But if you're peaceful, to attract a

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Speaker 1: peaceful love. And the reason I say this is if

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Speaker 1: you were able to come up with all the reasons

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Speaker 1: you don't want to be alone and find people to

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Speaker 1: help with all of those feelings, you're now in a

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Speaker 1: state of peace.

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Speaker 3: That's why. That's the answer that works.

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Speaker 2: Dude. That was so good. Okay, So let's say you've

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Speaker 2: done the work that you've just laid out and you

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Speaker 2: really start to go inwards. But there's also the person

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Speaker 2: that ends up choosing the wrong person time and time

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Speaker 2: again and becomes this toxic cycle. And I'm really curious

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Speaker 2: on why on Earth sometimes we go for the person

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Speaker 2: that isn't right for us and ignore the person that

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Speaker 2: actually is right for us.

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Speaker 3: Oh gosh, such a good question.

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Speaker 1: Is Honestly, I can think of like at least five

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Speaker 1: people I know that are in that position. And everything

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Speaker 1: I'm about to say, I want it to be noted

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Speaker 1: that I'm saying it from a place of empathy and compassion,

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Speaker 1: because this is about judgment and it isn't about shame,

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Speaker 1: and it isn't about guilt. Because I think often we

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Speaker 1: feel that way. We're scared of actually saying this to

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Speaker 1: our friends because we're scared they'll judge us and say

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Speaker 1: we told you so. We're scared of telling our families

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Speaker 1: because they'll say, I knew that guy wasn't right for you,

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Speaker 1: and all of a sudden you feel shamed and guilted.

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Speaker 1: And I always say to people, guilt blocks growth and

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Speaker 1: shame blocks shifts. You're not going to get from guilt

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Speaker 1: and shame to growth and shifting.

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Speaker 3: It's just not going to happen.

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Speaker 1: So the reason we're chasing the wrong person is because

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Speaker 1: we're running away from the right person.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 1: We've confused inconsistency with excitement, and we've confused stability with boredom.

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Speaker 1: We've confused attention with love, and we've confused effort with desperation.

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Speaker 1: If someone puts in effort, we see them as being desperate.

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Speaker 1: If someone puts in time, we see them as being needy.

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Speaker 1: If someone turns up and shows up, we think they're

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Speaker 1: the one who needs us. Because we've convinced ourselves that

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Speaker 1: love is chasing someone rather than wanting someone who never

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Speaker 1: wants to leave. We've convinced ourselves that this treadmill, this

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Speaker 1: rat race of convincing someone to stay is what love is.

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Speaker 1: And so I think the problem is we've created very

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Speaker 1: unhealthy views of love. And by the way, I see

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Speaker 1: this all the time. At that event that I was

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Speaker 1: just talking about, one of the guys, he said to me,

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Speaker 1: he said, why is it that when someone's putting effort,

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Speaker 1: I feel like they're not attractive? And I said, because

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Speaker 1: you're thinking about the next three to six months and

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Speaker 1: not thinking about the next five to ten years. I

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Speaker 1: promise you, in five to ten years, you want someone

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Speaker 1: who wants to sit with you and do nothing on

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Speaker 1: the couch. In five to ten years, you'll want someone

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Speaker 1: who texts you every day to check in with how

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Speaker 1: work is. In five to ten years, you'll want someone

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Speaker 1: who when they're traveling, don't forget to call you because

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Speaker 1: they want to make sure that you've checked in. But

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Speaker 1: if for the first three to six months you kind

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Speaker 1: of want someone who's giving you two things. You want

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Speaker 1: someone who's giving you a feeling of excitement and a

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Speaker 1: feeling of stress, because that's ultimately what chemistry is. Right,

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Speaker 1: Will they give me their number? That's the stress. The

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Speaker 1: excitement is I got their number. The stress is, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, what should I text them? The excitement is,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, they just text me back. The stress is,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, are they going to say yes to

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Speaker 1: a second date? The excitement is yes, they just said yes.

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Speaker 1: And so this kind of oscillating feeling of stress and

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Speaker 1: excitement is what creates the spark, is what creates chemistry. Now,

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Speaker 1: when you've been in a long term relationship like you

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Speaker 1: and Tom have, or slightly shorter than me and RADI

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Speaker 1: have had, now, you don't get stress and excitement. Most

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Speaker 1: of it just becomes peace. I don't need to stress

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Speaker 1: whether Ruddy's going to be at home tonight, because I

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Speaker 1: know she's at home tonight. So the problem is we've

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Speaker 1: got to make ourselves realize that what you want now

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Speaker 1: and what's right for your future are not the same thing.

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Speaker 1: And if you want to live in this bubble of

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Speaker 1: excitement and stress, that's going to go anyway. So why

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Speaker 1: not find someone who doesn't give you stress, who doesn't

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Speaker 1: bring you anxiety, who doesn't make you feel nervous. Now

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying you shouldn't feel excited to see that person,

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Speaker 1: but there's a big difference between excitement and anxiety.

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Speaker 2: God, everything you're saying really hit me in the sense

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Speaker 2: of I had been there once upon a time with

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Speaker 2: my ex boyfriend.

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Speaker 3: He was very toxic.

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Speaker 2: He was very verbally abusive, and I literally when I

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Speaker 2: left him. When I finally found the courage day, I

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Speaker 2: was like, I'm going to find a guy that likes me,

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Speaker 2: that's nice, that's kind, that's considerate. I found a guy

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Speaker 2: that was nice, kind and considerate before Tom and I

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Speaker 2: was like, well, this is boring.

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Speaker 1: So again, a really really interesting thing happened at this event.

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Speaker 1: I found out in my teens that a lot of

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Speaker 1: my guy friends had a technique they used, and their

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Speaker 1: technique was to pick on women or notice something.

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Speaker 3: That was a flaw about them.

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Speaker 1: So every other guy would come up to you and

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Speaker 1: be like, I really liked your shoes, or oh, you

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Speaker 1: have a beautiful smile, or oh, I really like your eyes,

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Speaker 1: and they'd get looked over, and one guy would come

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Speaker 1: up and he would say, there's something off about you today.

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Speaker 3: I'm not sure.

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Speaker 1: The energy around you is just I don't know. It

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Speaker 1: feels like there's something, but I don't know. You're like

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Speaker 1: holding back, and all of a sudden, that woman is

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Speaker 1: spending the whole evening thinking about that guy. This happened

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Speaker 1: to one of my team members a couple of months back,

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Speaker 1: and someone came up to her and said, that coat

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Speaker 1: you're wearing today just feels like you're scared of opening up.

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Speaker 1: And she was thinking about that guy the whole night.

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Speaker 1: And there were other men who came and told her

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Speaker 1: positive things and beautiful things and whatever.

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Speaker 3: She couldn't think about it.

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Speaker 1: And so I think a lot of men have used

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Speaker 1: that technique to get attention. And it sounds crazy because

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Speaker 1: when you hear it, it logically doesn't make sense, but

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Speaker 1: when you think about it in the moment, you're like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: of course that makes sense, because you feel they sense

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Speaker 1: something about you.

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Speaker 3: You feel they noticed your energy, but they didn't.

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Speaker 1: They were just trying to find a way and that

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Speaker 1: when you were six years old, that was pulling your hair.

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Speaker 1: But this is the updated version that women experience today.

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Speaker 1: And so we love that mystery. We love that feeling

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Speaker 1: of like, oh well, if he's being mean, that's just

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Speaker 1: his way of flirting with me. But do you want

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Speaker 1: someone who's mean when they flatter?

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Speaker 3: Like?

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Speaker 1: Is that what you want? Is that how you want

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Speaker 1: to feel? So I don't want someone who notices my

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Speaker 1: weaknesses before they notice my greatness. And so I think

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Speaker 1: it's a matter of priority. But it does come from

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Speaker 1: childhood and it continues on. I think a big part

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Speaker 1: of it is also we've never seen positive relationships mirrored

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Speaker 1: for us, Like when did you grow up? If you

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Speaker 1: could remember one positive relationship growing up, I don't think

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Speaker 1: I saw that. And so people are mirroring what they

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Speaker 1: saw on TV, They're mirroring what they saw at home,

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Speaker 1: they're mirroring what they saw in magazines. I mean, me,

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Speaker 1: as an Indian boy growing up in London grew up.

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Speaker 1: If you asked me who I was attracted to, I

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Speaker 1: was attracted to blonde.

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Speaker 3: Head women with blue eyes.

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Speaker 1: But I'd never probably even met someone with blonde hair

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Speaker 1: and blue eyes, but that's what I was told to

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Speaker 1: fall in love with. That's what was marketed to me,

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Speaker 1: and so I think we underestimate how much marketing has

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Speaker 1: an impact on us. When I was going to propose

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Speaker 1: to RADI, I asked my brother in law how much

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Speaker 1: I should spend on an engagement ring, and he said,

401
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Speaker 1: you should spend about two to three months salary. I

402
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Speaker 1: was like, okay, So I went and spent two to

403
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Speaker 1: three months salary. And I'd spoken to a couple of

404
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Speaker 1: other men who'd said the same thing. Thankful led him

405
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Speaker 1: make a lot at that time, so it wasn't that

406
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Speaker 1: much of an expense. I bought the ring proposed obviously,

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Speaker 1: Rather they said, yes, we got married. Now what's really

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Speaker 1: interesting is years later I looked into that because I

409
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Speaker 1: was like, how is that so specific? Two to three

410
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Speaker 1: months seems like I really thought through plan. And I

411
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Speaker 1: spoke to a lot of other men who all concurred

412
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Speaker 1: with me that they spent two to three month salary

413
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Speaker 1: no matter how much they made. I started looking at

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Speaker 1: it online. I found a de Beer's commercial from the

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Speaker 1: nineteen eighties. I'm not kidding you. You can go and

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Speaker 1: find it on YouTube. YouTube right now. I went onto

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Speaker 1: YouTube in the nineteen eighties. There's a commercial which I

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Speaker 1: remember it being like a silhouette of a man and

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Speaker 1: a woman, and I'm not kidding you. At the end

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Speaker 1: of the commercial it says, what bed a way to

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Speaker 1: spend two to three months salary? Oh my god, it

422
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:40,080
Speaker 1: literally says that, and I couldn't believe it. I was like, Wow,

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Speaker 1: we've all been brainwashed that I proposed twenty five years

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Speaker 1: after that commercial came out. I've never even seen that

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Speaker 1: commercial like before that. And I'm following this advice and

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Speaker 1: so is everyone else. And I think it also comes

427
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Speaker 1: from our hunter gatherer days that you wanted someone who

428
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Speaker 1: could protect you. You wanted someone who could fight off

429
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Speaker 1: the irons and the snakes. You wanted someone who could

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Speaker 1: build a home from scratch. And today our modern day version,

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00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,280
Speaker 1: which makes no sense, Our modern day version is, well,

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Speaker 1: that's what a bad boy can do. A bad boy

433
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Speaker 1: can protect me, a bad boy can do this, a

434
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,879
Speaker 1: bad boy can do that. But that doesn't actually add up,

435
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,920
Speaker 1: and it doesn't make sense because protection in modern day

436
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,000
Speaker 1: is very different to protection in ancient days.

437
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,479
Speaker 2: Or now it's related to how much the man earns.

438
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,240
Speaker 1: Correct, Well, I mean, well, that's a whole other conversation.

439
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:31,240
Speaker 1: I really think that if you're choosing who you want

440
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,280
Speaker 1: to be with simply based on how much they earn,

441
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:39,199
Speaker 1: how tall they are, or what job they have, you

442
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:44,280
Speaker 1: are marrying their salary, their bank account, and their job,

443
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:45,200
Speaker 1: not them.

444
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:46,560
Speaker 3: What does that mean.

445
00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:49,760
Speaker 1: It means, yes, you will never run out of money,

446
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,240
Speaker 1: but you may never have enough love. It may mean

447
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:57,000
Speaker 1: that you can boast about your partner's title, but they

448
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,000
Speaker 1: may not be with you at every place you want

449
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,600
Speaker 1: them to be at. You have to realize what you're marrying,

450
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,919
Speaker 1: what you're committing to. That's what you're getting in this exchange.

451
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,679
Speaker 1: And I think what's really interesting to me is I

452
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,359
Speaker 1: meet a lot of friends and women who say to me,

453
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:12,480
Speaker 1: I really want a man who's successful, but I want

454
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:15,040
Speaker 1: him to be my number one cheerleader. And I'm like, well,

455
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,000
Speaker 1: if you realize that the person who's out there making

456
00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:21,000
Speaker 1: money and being successful, they can't be a cheerleader at

457
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,639
Speaker 1: the same time because they've got to be on the field.

458
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 1: The person on the field can't be your cheerleader. I'm

459
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,560
Speaker 1: not saying that you should choose one over the other.

460
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,600
Speaker 1: But I'm saying, you've got to be clear about the

461
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:33,520
Speaker 1: choices you're making. I love Radi, I can't be there

462
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,840
Speaker 1: with her as a cheerleader every step of the way

463
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:37,840
Speaker 1: wherever she is.

464
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:39,399
Speaker 3: Neither can Radi be with me.

465
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,360
Speaker 1: I know a lot of men who say the same thing, like,

466
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,760
Speaker 1: oh yeah, I want my wife to be independent, but

467
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,840
Speaker 1: then I want her front row seat when I'm winning,

468
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,560
Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, wait a minute, which one do

469
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:50,800
Speaker 1: you want? And so I think we're really it's almost

470
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,560
Speaker 1: like we want everything and in that we get nothing.

471
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,680
Speaker 2: The other day, I said something to Tom about menopause

472
00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:00,000
Speaker 2: and I was like, I just need this because a perimenopause.

473
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,560
Speaker 2: And he turns around to me and he's like, I

474
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,560
Speaker 2: will absolutely support you. But he's like, look, you have

475
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,040
Speaker 2: a group of girlfriends that are going through the same thing.

476
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:09,719
Speaker 2: He's like, so, no matter how much I try to

477
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,600
Speaker 2: see you, he's like, I just I cannot see it

478
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,640
Speaker 2: through your eyes because I'm not a woman. I don't

479
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,400
Speaker 2: know what it's like to be going through this at

480
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 2: your age. So he's like, I'm doing the research, I'm

481
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,320
Speaker 2: reading the books, but if there is something that I

482
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,600
Speaker 2: just cannot grasp. Turn by all means, turn to your

483
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:25,159
Speaker 2: friends for it.

484
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:25,600
Speaker 3: Now.

485
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,159
Speaker 2: The thing also, though, is that a lot of women

486
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:30,879
Speaker 2: do is almost the opposite. So this is what my

487
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,240
Speaker 2: partner wants, this is what they love, So let me

488
00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:36,920
Speaker 2: sacrifice in the small things. It isn't a big deal.

489
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 2: So it's like, all right, fine, I'll go watch soccer

490
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,040
Speaker 2: with him, even if I don't like soccer. That's one thing.

491
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,679
Speaker 2: But the big ones that actually end up reckoning a

492
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:46,760
Speaker 2: lot of women is they've sacrificed their entire lives. They've

493
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,840
Speaker 2: sacrificed the career for the family, whether it's kids or

494
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,400
Speaker 2: the husband. And as we get older, we start to realize,

495
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:56,480
Speaker 2: hang on a minute, what about me? And that maybe

496
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,320
Speaker 2: compromise that we felt good with now actually we realize

497
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,080
Speaker 2: was a sac that will never get back. How do

498
00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:05,240
Speaker 2: you differentiate compromise and sacrifice? And where's that fine line

499
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:08,880
Speaker 2: between one's actually really healthy and one's like the thing

500
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:10,360
Speaker 2: that will break your relationship.

501
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:13,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's two words that I like using more than

502
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,280
Speaker 1: sacrifice and compromise because I think they come with so

503
00:25:16,359 --> 00:25:20,840
Speaker 1: much baggage. And the two words are adjusting and abandoning.

504
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:26,760
Speaker 1: And so there's a difference between adjusting yourself and abandoning yourself.

505
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:33,760
Speaker 1: Adjusting yourself means I'm making room for love. Abandoning means

506
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 1: I'm disappearing to make space for it. Adjusting is saying

507
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:42,320
Speaker 1: I'm happy to be flexible. Abandoning is saying I'm going

508
00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:47,040
Speaker 1: to bend so much that I'll probably break. Adjusting is growing,

509
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:51,840
Speaker 1: I'm actually becoming better through this choice. Abandoning is shrinking.

510
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:56,520
Speaker 1: I'm losing myself through this choice. And adjusting is I'm

511
00:25:56,560 --> 00:26:00,119
Speaker 1: going to help you move forward. Abandoning is I'm going

512
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,320
Speaker 1: to leave myself behind. And so what I find a

513
00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:06,440
Speaker 1: lot of us do is when we don't know who

514
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:12,000
Speaker 1: we are, we abandon ourselves. And the difference is adjusting

515
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:16,560
Speaker 1: is something two people do, Abandoning is something one person does.

516
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 1: Adjusting requires two people to move, to mold, to pivot.

517
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:25,880
Speaker 1: Abandoning just requires one person to give up everything. And

518
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,320
Speaker 1: so what I find the reason why a lot of

519
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,720
Speaker 1: people end up in this place is because they were

520
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,000
Speaker 1: never told to have their own dream, they were never

521
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,480
Speaker 1: told they were allowed to have their own mission. They're

522
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,359
Speaker 1: never told that they had a purpose. And chances are

523
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,880
Speaker 1: they met someone their partner who had a very clear purpose,

524
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,560
Speaker 1: and they assumed that my purpose must be to help them.

525
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:46,480
Speaker 1: And it kind of felt good in the beginning, yeah,

526
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,760
Speaker 1: because it gave life meaning. Right in the beginning, it

527
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,560
Speaker 1: was all good. It was like, I'm going to do

528
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,440
Speaker 1: this for them, and they're going out to crush it

529
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,880
Speaker 1: and they'll do really well, and I'll live through them,

530
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,520
Speaker 1: and then maybe if I've children, I'll live through them.

531
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,679
Speaker 1: And so all of it becomes living life and meaning

532
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:03,960
Speaker 1: through bringing a provider and a supporter of other people. Which,

533
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:07,359
Speaker 1: by the way, if it satisfies you, that's beautiful. It

534
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:08,520
Speaker 1: sounds like me. And you have met a lot of

535
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:11,280
Speaker 1: people who are not satisfied by that. And I think

536
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:15,560
Speaker 1: the reason for that is your purpose can't be a person, right.

537
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:20,399
Speaker 1: Your purpose is something that isn't dependent on someone else's existence.

538
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,000
Speaker 3: It's dependent on you. That's what it is.

539
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:25,600
Speaker 1: It's something that's connected to you, not connected to you

540
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,399
Speaker 1: and that person that you're serving. So in the beginning

541
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,080
Speaker 1: it felt good, we got it, we found meaning. As

542
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:33,199
Speaker 1: time went on, you started to realize that person was

543
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:37,200
Speaker 1: living their dreams and you were just watching them. And

544
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:40,360
Speaker 1: no matter how good you felt watching that person live

545
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:44,160
Speaker 1: their dreams, you want to live your dreams too. Now

546
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,119
Speaker 1: you have two choices. A lot of us will blame

547
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:49,800
Speaker 1: it on that person. And when you blame it on

548
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:54,600
Speaker 1: that person, chances are you've heard these words before. They'll say, well,

549
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:57,359
Speaker 1: they didn't ask you to. I didn't tell you to,

550
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:01,920
Speaker 1: And that really hurts, yes, because you've just given up

551
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:03,840
Speaker 1: so much and you're like, wait a minute, you didn't

552
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,520
Speaker 1: ask me to, but you never told me to stop,

553
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,320
Speaker 1: You never told me not to. You gladly took it

554
00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:10,520
Speaker 1: when I did it for you, So wait a minute,

555
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:11,119
Speaker 1: where are we now?

556
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaker 3: Now? That fractures the relationship.

557
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,159
Speaker 1: It's one of the biggest reasons people will break up,

558
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:19,560
Speaker 1: get divorced. Relationship falls apart, they lose connection. So what

559
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,520
Speaker 1: are we doing that A mature person would never have said, well,

560
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:26,399
Speaker 1: I never asked you to. A mature person will say, well,

561
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:30,479
Speaker 1: what's your dream? The challenges That person didn't even have

562
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:33,200
Speaker 1: the foresight to understand that you were going to feel

563
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,760
Speaker 1: this way. They just got excited that your life looked

564
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,240
Speaker 1: like it had meaning and they were like, great, this helps,

565
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:40,080
Speaker 1: it works, it's supporting.

566
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:41,080
Speaker 3: All of us were good.

567
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,400
Speaker 1: So it's not that they're a bad person, it's just

568
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:46,560
Speaker 1: that they didn't really think that far ahead, because chances

569
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:49,240
Speaker 1: are they've never seen someone think that far ahead. I

570
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,400
Speaker 1: couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with

571
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,640
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572
00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:59,320
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573
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:02,320
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574
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:06,320
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575
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:10,360
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576
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:13,960
Speaker 1: and with every sip you'll experience calmness of mind, a

577
00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:17,640
Speaker 1: refreshing vitality, and a burst of brightness to your day.

578
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:22,640
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579
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:26,120
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580
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,120
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581
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:34,160
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582
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583
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584
00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:46,720
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585
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586
00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:55,479
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587
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588
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:03,920
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589
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:07,760
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590
00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:13,239
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591
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592
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,360
Speaker 2: And their response if I never asked you to, you

593
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 2: can kind of understand why they would say that as

594
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:24,240
Speaker 2: a protective mechanism because it feels right now, Oh my god,

595
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,200
Speaker 2: is it all my full that your life hasn't been

596
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:29,720
Speaker 2: what you hoped it would be. Well, that's a big

597
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:33,240
Speaker 2: burden for a partner to take on. So to protect yourself,

598
00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:36,320
Speaker 2: you make it that was your decision, which actually is true,

599
00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:39,280
Speaker 2: It is true, but it's really harsh, yes, because you've

600
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:42,000
Speaker 2: encouraged them, You've applauded them every time they've made you.

601
00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:44,080
Speaker 2: And look, I'm speaking for myself. With me and Tom,

602
00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 2: where it was like every time I would cook dinner

603
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:47,840
Speaker 2: and clean his clothes, he was always like, You're the

604
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:51,200
Speaker 2: best Greek wife ever. And then eventually, after eight years,

605
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:52,520
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't want to cook and clean for

606
00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 2: you anymore. But he actually never asked me to in

607
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:55,800
Speaker 2: the first place.

608
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:59,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, And that's that like weird space we all

609
00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:02,960
Speaker 1: have up in where we take on a role because

610
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,920
Speaker 1: we get validation in the beginning and we appreciate and

611
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:08,200
Speaker 1: like that, and then we run out of that role.

612
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:09,960
Speaker 1: We don't want to play that role anymore, by the way,

613
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:12,480
Speaker 1: which is also natural. And the problem is when we

614
00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:14,400
Speaker 1: don't want to play that role anymore, that other person

615
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:16,840
Speaker 1: got so used to us playing that role that they're

616
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 1: now also going through a grief and we're going through

617
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:20,120
Speaker 1: a grief.

618
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:21,680
Speaker 3: They're going through a grief.

619
00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:23,880
Speaker 1: Of our former self that they were in love with,

620
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:26,360
Speaker 1: and we're going through a grief of our former self.

621
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:29,320
Speaker 1: So we're both missing a person who doesn't exist anymore.

622
00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:31,520
Speaker 1: They're missing the person we used to be. We're missing

623
00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:33,080
Speaker 1: the person we used to be, but we know we

624
00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:34,920
Speaker 1: want to be a different person, and they're trying to

625
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:37,000
Speaker 1: figure out whether they're going to like this different person.

626
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:38,720
Speaker 3: So there's a lot of play here.

627
00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:41,800
Speaker 1: What we want to do is if you're at the

628
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:45,600
Speaker 1: early stages of a relationship, spot this early. Both men

629
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:48,840
Speaker 1: and women, whoever you are, whichever role you're playing spot

630
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:51,600
Speaker 1: it early. Don't just fall into the trap of oh

631
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:53,520
Speaker 1: it works for now, let's just see how it goes.

632
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:56,200
Speaker 1: And I think if your partner can't see that, you

633
00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:57,400
Speaker 1: need to see that for yourself.

634
00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:58,520
Speaker 3: Take responsibility.

635
00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:03,760
Speaker 1: I think it genuinely comes down to looking back at you,

636
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 1: taking control, accountability and power of your life and what

637
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:10,280
Speaker 1: you're going to do with that time and energy. Now,

638
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,520
Speaker 1: like you just don't want anything you said to sound

639
00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:16,520
Speaker 1: like you're blaming that other person and shifting the accountability

640
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 1: onto them, because, like you said, it's going to feel

641
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,440
Speaker 1: weighty for them and they're going to feel like, oh god,

642
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:22,680
Speaker 1: I don't want to take on that way. I feel

643
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:24,440
Speaker 1: too much pressure. Now I'm going to throw it back

644
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:26,240
Speaker 1: on you, and that's what we end up doing. So

645
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,320
Speaker 1: I think it's fine to say, hey, I've been doing

646
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,720
Speaker 1: this for the last ten years. It's not who I

647
00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:33,840
Speaker 1: want to be anymore. And I understand that that adjustment

648
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:37,000
Speaker 1: is going to make changes for you. I'd love to

649
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:40,160
Speaker 1: discuss those changes. And now you're talking about the changes

650
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 1: and the edits not talking about that person and you

651
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,240
Speaker 1: rather than saying, oh, you won all the awards you

652
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,040
Speaker 1: wanted to wear, am I when you make it about

653
00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:49,480
Speaker 1: you and then all of a sudden you're not talking

654
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:52,160
Speaker 1: about what it's actually about, which is, here's how things

655
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:54,520
Speaker 1: are going to change. How is this going to affect you.

656
00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:56,920
Speaker 1: What can we do in the middle period to make

657
00:32:56,920 --> 00:33:01,880
Speaker 1: the transition more effective. It's change management, not the person management.

658
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:04,280
Speaker 1: And I think the challenges we make it about that

659
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 1: person and what they should have done, what they could

660
00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:10,840
Speaker 1: have done, the time we've lost, the energy, we've invested,

661
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:13,400
Speaker 1: what we didn't get out of it, And I get it.

662
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:16,360
Speaker 1: That is the emotional layer that needs to be explored.

663
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:18,719
Speaker 1: But that's not going to keep that person in your

664
00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:20,800
Speaker 1: life in a healthy way. It's going to create friction.

665
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,480
Speaker 1: And sadly, we don't have many good examples of people

666
00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:26,400
Speaker 1: who've been through that transition because people turn it.

667
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:26,960
Speaker 3: Into a blame you.

668
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, I made sure that I didn't blame Tommy, and

669
00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:31,040
Speaker 2: I needed to make sure it was true before he

670
00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:33,120
Speaker 2: said it. But the truth was he didn't force me.

671
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:34,960
Speaker 2: The truth is I never said I was unhappy, like

672
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,200
Speaker 2: all of these things. That had to be very honest

673
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 2: about of where my actions actually contributed to where I was.

674
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:46,200
Speaker 2: I actually interviewed recently a guy called Jefferson Fisher and he.

675
00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:48,840
Speaker 3: Okay.

676
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:50,880
Speaker 2: So he even said, when you're having a tough conversation,

677
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:53,560
Speaker 2: instead of saying I want to talk to you, right,

678
00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:56,800
Speaker 2: that makes it very personal, you say the room. So

679
00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:59,120
Speaker 2: you're saying, I want this room to be a safe

680
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:02,320
Speaker 2: space where I can be transparent and honest. Are you

681
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,920
Speaker 2: comfortable with that? And so you're saying it's the room

682
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,240
Speaker 2: instead of them. You're then getting their buy in to

683
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:10,799
Speaker 2: say yes. And you're then saying, I don't need you

684
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:12,719
Speaker 2: to fix it. I need this to be a place

685
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:15,239
Speaker 2: where you can listen. And so you're telling them what

686
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:18,480
Speaker 2: to expect. So learning the language to communicate with your

687
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:21,279
Speaker 2: partners so you don't trigger them, so that you both

688
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:24,600
Speaker 2: can have an emotionally sober conversation I think ends up

689
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:26,680
Speaker 2: being the most fruitful thing that we can do.

690
00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:30,319
Speaker 1: I always say to people, use us and we, not

691
00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:34,200
Speaker 1: you and me. So I've had couples that I've worked

692
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:37,680
Speaker 1: with write out what they want to say, and all

693
00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:39,840
Speaker 1: of it is filled with you and me. You didn't

694
00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,880
Speaker 1: do this. It made me feel like this. You always

695
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:45,880
Speaker 1: do this. You never think about me. So it's you

696
00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:48,000
Speaker 1: and me, you and me, you and me, And I've

697
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:51,040
Speaker 1: asked them to change every you and me to us

698
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:54,600
Speaker 1: and we why because now we're a team. If I say,

699
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:59,200
Speaker 1: let's think about how we can get to where we

700
00:34:59,239 --> 00:35:02,480
Speaker 1: want to be, Let's think about us at the center

701
00:35:03,239 --> 00:35:07,640
Speaker 1: of this conversation. Let's think about how to protect us. Now,

702
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:10,359
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you need to be thinking about how

703
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,719
Speaker 1: to protect me. You should be thinking about how to

704
00:35:12,719 --> 00:35:15,560
Speaker 1: make me happy. Well, then we're not a team anymore.

705
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:19,200
Speaker 1: Now I'm saying, it's all your responsibility, it's all your accountability,

706
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:21,640
Speaker 1: and it's all on you. And by the way, I'm

707
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:24,799
Speaker 1: sitting over here feeling hurt, dejected and down. Whereas now

708
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:28,480
Speaker 1: and I say, is this what we both want? Is

709
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:30,919
Speaker 1: this the kind of relationship that we both want to have?

710
00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:33,920
Speaker 1: Do we want to create a space where both of

711
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,439
Speaker 1: us can grow? All of a sudden, it's like, yes,

712
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:39,719
Speaker 1: we're doing this together. Yes we're a team. Yes we're collaborating.

713
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:43,440
Speaker 1: And I think too many people are competing for power

714
00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:48,680
Speaker 1: rather than collaborating to create power together. And that competition

715
00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 1: with your partner is the worst place to be because

716
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:56,640
Speaker 1: now you're trying to be right, not kind. Now you're

717
00:35:56,680 --> 00:36:00,480
Speaker 1: trying to win, not win together. Now, when you win,

718
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:03,000
Speaker 1: it means they lose. I always say this to people.

719
00:36:03,239 --> 00:36:05,960
Speaker 1: If you win an argument, that means your partner lost,

720
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:09,840
Speaker 1: you both lost. If you win and they lose, you lose.

721
00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:12,000
Speaker 1: If they win and you lose, you lose.

722
00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:12,960
Speaker 3: You either win.

723
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:16,640
Speaker 1: Together or lose together because you're together. So us and we,

724
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:19,120
Speaker 1: not you and me solves that. And I recommend people

725
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:22,080
Speaker 1: right out what they're about to text, what they're about

726
00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:24,359
Speaker 1: to say to their partner. And if you changed every

727
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,840
Speaker 1: you and me to us and we, it will transform

728
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:27,960
Speaker 1: the energy of the conversation.

729
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:28,960
Speaker 3: That's so good.

730
00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:31,239
Speaker 2: That's so simple and so good. And one other thing

731
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:34,520
Speaker 2: that you just mentioned that was almost subtlety. It takes

732
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:37,520
Speaker 2: out the absolutes of like, you never do this for me,

733
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,600
Speaker 2: because I think that when you're trying to make an

734
00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:42,399
Speaker 2: effort and then someone says you don't ever, it's kind

735
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,960
Speaker 2: of like, well, why am I even bothering? And so

736
00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:47,600
Speaker 2: if you say we, there was no absolutenesce in.

737
00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:51,440
Speaker 1: The Wii, Yeah, yeah, exactly exactly. It's there's two words

738
00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 1: you want to take out of every argument. Always and never,

739
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 1: because no one always does something and no one never

740
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:02,920
Speaker 1: does thing. We always have so much more gray and

741
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:05,600
Speaker 1: so much more in between. But we're so tempted to

742
00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:08,520
Speaker 1: just say you never do anything for me, or you

743
00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:12,920
Speaker 1: always forget to do the dishes, and those statements make

744
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:17,680
Speaker 1: that person feel that you've invalidated any time that they

745
00:37:17,719 --> 00:37:21,000
Speaker 1: actually followed through. Chances are they have followed through, but

746
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:24,640
Speaker 1: we're invalidating it. Now, what were arguing about. We're arguing

747
00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:29,319
Speaker 1: about the mathematical accuracy of how often I've watched the

748
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:32,360
Speaker 1: dishes versus when I haven't, which was not the conversation.

749
00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:35,640
Speaker 1: Now everyone's all right, tell me one, tell me, proved

750
00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:37,360
Speaker 1: me one. And then they're like, yeah, I did it

751
00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:40,200
Speaker 1: last Thursday and the Thursday before and the last Friday.

752
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 1: And now we're arguing about mathematical accuracy. And I think

753
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:45,560
Speaker 1: the point is when we're having a disagreement, we're never

754
00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:50,080
Speaker 1: really arguing about the disagreement. We're arguing about affection. We're

755
00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:54,759
Speaker 1: arguing about power, We're arguing about attention, love, validation. That's

756
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:57,400
Speaker 1: what we're arguing about. But now we think we're arguing

757
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,279
Speaker 1: about the dishes. We think we're arguing about the birth day.

758
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:03,040
Speaker 1: That's not what we're arguing about. And so the more

759
00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:05,279
Speaker 1: we can actually focus on what we're actually talking about,

760
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:06,960
Speaker 1: which is what we were just talking about. Let's talk

761
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:10,160
Speaker 1: about the transition. We're not arguing about whether you achieved

762
00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:13,480
Speaker 1: your dreams and I didn't. We're talking about how does

763
00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:16,440
Speaker 1: this change now? And that's what we need to win for.

764
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:20,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, God, Okay, So you mentioned earlier about how sometimes

765
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:24,319
Speaker 2: we can misunderstand or miscommunicate and we think one thing's

766
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:26,680
Speaker 2: one thing, but actually it's the other. So the compromise

767
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:29,960
Speaker 2: versus the sacrifice in your words.

768
00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:30,800
Speaker 3: Being an abandoned Yeah, amazing.

769
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,080
Speaker 2: I actually have a few more because I was like, okay,

770
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,640
Speaker 2: what are the things that get us trapped in a relationship,

771
00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:38,640
Speaker 2: going back to like the settling thing and why we

772
00:38:38,719 --> 00:38:41,200
Speaker 2: either choose the wrong person or we end up staying

773
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:42,880
Speaker 2: in the relationship that isn't right. And there are a

774
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:44,960
Speaker 2: few things that I think that we get confused. So

775
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:46,640
Speaker 2: I've written a few down that actually love to talk about.

776
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:48,719
Speaker 2: So actually, let's start with the love and lust. So

777
00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 2: how would you look at the difference between love and

778
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:53,439
Speaker 2: luss and how if someone's listening right now, can they

779
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:54,760
Speaker 2: decipher which one they're.

780
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:58,200
Speaker 1: In the difference between love and lust? Is that last

781
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:04,279
Speaker 1: is that excitement an exhilaration of connection. Love is how

782
00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:09,200
Speaker 1: you handle disconnection. If there's only lost, then when there's

783
00:39:09,239 --> 00:39:12,640
Speaker 1: an argument or a disagreement, you don't know how to

784
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:15,480
Speaker 1: get on the same page. That's why we call it

785
00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:19,160
Speaker 1: makeup sex or break up sex, because you resort to

786
00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:23,320
Speaker 1: an activity that's fueled by passion to solve a problem

787
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:26,480
Speaker 1: that can't be healed by it. Right, if you've had

788
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:28,759
Speaker 1: a disconnection, or if you've had a problem, or if

789
00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:31,480
Speaker 1: there's a challenge and you don't like the way the

790
00:39:31,480 --> 00:39:35,000
Speaker 1: person behaves with you, then there's no love because that's

791
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:35,719
Speaker 1: what you're looking for.

792
00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:36,480
Speaker 3: You're looking for.

793
00:39:36,719 --> 00:39:40,560
Speaker 1: Can someone bring love to a place where there isn't

794
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:43,439
Speaker 1: any or where we're lacking it or where we've run

795
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:45,200
Speaker 1: out of it or where we've lost it.

796
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:46,520
Speaker 3: That's what love is.

797
00:39:46,719 --> 00:39:48,799
Speaker 1: Love is something that exists within both of you, and

798
00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 1: when you're disagreeing, you're distant. If there's love, you'll become

799
00:39:52,719 --> 00:39:55,919
Speaker 1: closer through it. If there isn't love, you push yourselves

800
00:39:55,920 --> 00:39:58,680
Speaker 1: away through it. So when I meet a new couple,

801
00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:02,160
Speaker 1: I like to ask them, what was the last disagreement

802
00:40:02,239 --> 00:40:04,480
Speaker 1: you have? And do you like the way your partner

803
00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:07,960
Speaker 1: and you came to a conclusion or came to a solution.

804
00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:10,200
Speaker 1: It's how we deal with the tough stuff that makes

805
00:40:10,239 --> 00:40:10,920
Speaker 1: all the difference.

806
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:14,200
Speaker 2: That's so good. What's interesting, I've been one for twenty

807
00:40:14,239 --> 00:40:17,800
Speaker 2: five years and that we've never once had makeup sex.

808
00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:19,239
Speaker 2: I'm just thinking about it.

809
00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:20,760
Speaker 3: That's a good thing. That shows why.

810
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:24,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's almost like actually because once we've like kind

811
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:27,680
Speaker 2: of come to an agreement, I'm still so raw and

812
00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:30,359
Speaker 2: so I just need to be cuddled. I need sweetness.

813
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:32,520
Speaker 2: Like the last thing I want is like crazy x.

814
00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:32,759
Speaker 3: Yeah.

815
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:33,719
Speaker 2: So that's fascinating and.

816
00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:34,359
Speaker 3: Never does well.

817
00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:37,480
Speaker 1: The studies show right that the reason why sex releases

818
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:39,560
Speaker 1: chemicals that makes you forget the argument.

819
00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:41,239
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, so it's not even like.

820
00:40:41,239 --> 00:40:44,320
Speaker 1: You actually feel better. You just think you feel better,

821
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:46,960
Speaker 1: and so you actually never came to a solution. And

822
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:49,880
Speaker 1: that's why it's not the healthiest way to solve a problem,

823
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:52,600
Speaker 1: because if you're relying on lust to solve the problem,

824
00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:54,479
Speaker 1: then all you're left with is lust.

825
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,000
Speaker 3: It's not love. That's so true.

826
00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:58,000
Speaker 2: But yet my ex, who was very toxic, we had

827
00:40:58,000 --> 00:40:58,919
Speaker 2: a lot of makeup sex.

828
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, and makeup sex. Yeah.

829
00:41:01,239 --> 00:41:05,319
Speaker 2: All right, So the difference between comfortable or complacent. Have

830
00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:08,360
Speaker 2: you settled into a healthy rhythm, or are you stuck

831
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:10,239
Speaker 2: in an unfulfilling routine.

832
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:16,000
Speaker 1: I think comfortable is something you feel together and complacent

833
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:20,600
Speaker 1: is something one person feels. So if you can both agree,

834
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:24,120
Speaker 1: I love the way we're living. WE love our life.

835
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:27,080
Speaker 1: I love the vacations we go on. I love our friends.

836
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:29,759
Speaker 1: I love what we're creating. There's a comfort in that,

837
00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:32,040
Speaker 1: and that's what we're all looking for. We're looking for

838
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:35,720
Speaker 1: someone that we can come home to and cozy upward.

839
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:37,640
Speaker 1: We're looking for someone who feels like a warm cup

840
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:40,880
Speaker 1: of coffee. That's comfortable, right. We want that in a partner.

841
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:45,680
Speaker 1: But if one person can't agree to that, then that

842
00:41:45,719 --> 00:41:50,000
Speaker 1: person feels the other person's being complacent. Now what happens

843
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,640
Speaker 1: is people are scared to accept that they're being complacent

844
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:55,160
Speaker 1: because it means like they're not showing up enough or

845
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:55,839
Speaker 1: doing enough.

846
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:57,200
Speaker 2: It's a very negative word.

847
00:41:57,280 --> 00:42:00,239
Speaker 1: It's a very negative word. But the point is you've

848
00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:03,879
Speaker 1: got to listen to your partner. If your partner's genuinely saying, hey,

849
00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:06,520
Speaker 1: I don't think we're comfortable, I think we're complacent, there's

850
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,480
Speaker 1: no moments to look forward to anymore. And that's what

851
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:16,040
Speaker 1: complacency is I think comfort is comfort is stable excitement, right,

852
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:18,680
Speaker 1: It's like we feel a sense of there's still like

853
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:21,879
Speaker 1: things to look forward to. We come back down. There's

854
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:25,400
Speaker 1: this beautiful harmonic movement of a wave. There's like a

855
00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:28,080
Speaker 1: comfort in looking at the ocean. Even though it's constantly moving,

856
00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:31,240
Speaker 1: it's still moving, it's doing his thing. Complacency is almost

857
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 1: just like there's no rhythm, there's only routine. We're kind

858
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:41,240
Speaker 1: of both robots performing the same roles, the same tasks,

859
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:44,879
Speaker 1: the same things. There's no spontaneity, there's no change, there's

860
00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:47,680
Speaker 1: no shift. And I think it really does take one

861
00:42:47,719 --> 00:42:50,040
Speaker 1: person to have the courage to say it. And my

862
00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:52,280
Speaker 1: hope is that when the other person hears it again,

863
00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:55,400
Speaker 1: you as a team come to a conclusion abut.

864
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:56,160
Speaker 3: How to get out of it.

865
00:42:56,160 --> 00:42:58,799
Speaker 1: It's still a together thing to solve, even if it's

866
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:02,239
Speaker 1: a one person to raise. This is the biggest thing.

867
00:43:02,760 --> 00:43:07,080
Speaker 1: If you want this relationship to work, you've got to

868
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:10,640
Speaker 1: help your partner, help themselves, help your relationship, and you

869
00:43:10,719 --> 00:43:13,160
Speaker 1: help them. And I think the challenge we have is

870
00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:16,279
Speaker 1: a lot of us feel like we're the only one

871
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:19,799
Speaker 1: doing it. And if you feel you're the only one

872
00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:22,279
Speaker 1: doing it. There's two things you need to do. The

873
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:25,080
Speaker 1: first thing you need to do is something I call

874
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:29,200
Speaker 1: a relationship audit because this has helped me so many times.

875
00:43:29,960 --> 00:43:32,200
Speaker 1: A lot of us think relationships are who makes the money,

876
00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:34,040
Speaker 1: who takes care of the house. We look at it

877
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:37,480
Speaker 1: through two things, But relationships are physical who's taking care

878
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:41,720
Speaker 1: of the house, the physical surroundings, Financial, who is making

879
00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:45,600
Speaker 1: the money taking care of the finances. It's mental who's

880
00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:51,320
Speaker 1: setting the mindset of this relationship. It's emotional who's setting

881
00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:56,040
Speaker 1: the nurturing of this relationship? And it's spiritual who's setting

882
00:43:56,200 --> 00:44:00,960
Speaker 1: the faith or the spiritual direction of this relationship. Every

883
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:04,440
Speaker 1: time I've thought about it this way, I've realized me

884
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:08,279
Speaker 1: and RADI are even leaders ah and I think that

885
00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:12,000
Speaker 1: gives me a sense of strength and confidence. If we

886
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:14,040
Speaker 1: only look at it through two things, which is what

887
00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:16,440
Speaker 1: we do, finance and home, you might feel like you

888
00:44:16,480 --> 00:44:20,360
Speaker 1: do everything. And it's really important on us for broaden

889
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:21,640
Speaker 1: the view. Now, if you look at it as those

890
00:44:21,680 --> 00:44:23,960
Speaker 1: five metrics and you're doing four hour of the five,

891
00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:25,880
Speaker 1: that person's complacent.

892
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:28,440
Speaker 3: It's just there. It's true.

893
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:31,760
Speaker 1: It's really really it's hard, and especially if you're disatisfied.

894
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:32,880
Speaker 3: If you're satisfied, it's fine.

895
00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:35,560
Speaker 1: I think we have to zoom out when you're feeling

896
00:44:35,560 --> 00:44:37,560
Speaker 1: that way and really assess it, because too many people

897
00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:40,239
Speaker 1: will say I do everything. So at the beginning of

898
00:44:40,239 --> 00:44:42,040
Speaker 1: my relationship, I used to feel I did everything, not

899
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:45,600
Speaker 1: to realize that Radi set the mental mood and the

900
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:48,920
Speaker 1: emotional heart of the whole relationship and physically takes care

901
00:44:48,960 --> 00:44:51,000
Speaker 1: of everything, Like the fridge always has food in it

902
00:44:51,239 --> 00:44:54,359
Speaker 1: and I've never ordered anything in my entire life, and

903
00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:57,040
Speaker 1: it's always stocked with the best goodies and everything else.

904
00:44:57,600 --> 00:44:59,520
Speaker 1: And spiritually Radi runs the relationship.

905
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:01,280
Speaker 3: Now I'm realizing she's doing four.

906
00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:04,319
Speaker 2: Hour's interesting because in your head though, you were like, well,

907
00:45:04,320 --> 00:45:06,960
Speaker 2: hang on, I'm working, I'm doing this, and it's the doing.

908
00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:10,319
Speaker 1: It's the doing that we put emphasis on. Yeah, but

909
00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:13,680
Speaker 1: what about the energy, Like Radi is like wakes up

910
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:16,279
Speaker 1: and it's doing a little dance in the kitchen. I come,

911
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:19,400
Speaker 1: I'm tired of moping and moody, and she's smiling and

912
00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:22,439
Speaker 1: giving me a hug. We don't value those things. Those

913
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:25,239
Speaker 1: things are huge, but we don't value them because they

914
00:45:25,239 --> 00:45:28,759
Speaker 1: don't show up on the spreadsheet. Yeah, they don't show

915
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:31,600
Speaker 1: up in the bank balance, so you don't value those things.

916
00:45:32,239 --> 00:45:34,560
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of us think we overdo.

917
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:36,440
Speaker 1: But actually, if you looked at it on the actual

918
00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:39,000
Speaker 1: spectrum of the five things have just said, you'd realize

919
00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:40,080
Speaker 1: we're actually pretty equal.

920
00:45:40,239 --> 00:45:41,000
Speaker 3: So that's one thing.

921
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:43,520
Speaker 1: And the second thing I'd say is that if you

922
00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:45,560
Speaker 1: do that exercise and then you really feel like you

923
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:48,960
Speaker 1: are the one doing everything, then it may be time

924
00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:52,000
Speaker 1: to leave. It may be time to say I'm not

925
00:45:52,040 --> 00:45:54,000
Speaker 1: accepting this anymore. It may be time to say I

926
00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:57,080
Speaker 1: can't keep doing all of this anymore, and I deserve

927
00:45:57,120 --> 00:45:57,600
Speaker 1: better than this.

928
00:45:57,640 --> 00:45:58,520
Speaker 3: And that's okay too.

929
00:45:59,080 --> 00:46:00,600
Speaker 2: I'm such a data person, and as well that I

930
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:02,360
Speaker 2: love that you just broke it down out of like fourman,

931
00:46:02,800 --> 00:46:03,960
Speaker 2: it's like a checklist.

932
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:06,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, make it because we all have a scorecard anyway,

933
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:12,600
Speaker 1: but we only mark ourselves on the schoolcard emotional as emotional,

934
00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:14,759
Speaker 1: and you never give the other person a point. So

935
00:46:14,800 --> 00:46:18,319
Speaker 1: if you watch the dish, right, it's I told you

936
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:21,000
Speaker 1: to watch the dishes exactly.

937
00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:23,919
Speaker 3: It's that you're always counting everything you do right.

938
00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:28,200
Speaker 1: We count everything we do right, and we count everything

939
00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:31,080
Speaker 1: our partner does wrong. You will never miss something that

940
00:46:31,120 --> 00:46:33,040
Speaker 1: you got right, and you will never miss something your

941
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:33,799
Speaker 1: partner got wrong.

942
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:34,880
Speaker 3: But what does that create.

943
00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:39,920
Speaker 1: It creates distant disconnection and dissatisfaction. Whereas when you zoom

944
00:46:39,960 --> 00:46:43,080
Speaker 1: out and you start counting every little thing your partner

945
00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:46,120
Speaker 1: gets right, and you start to notice the things you

946
00:46:46,160 --> 00:46:48,879
Speaker 1: get right and wrong, all of a sudden, you start

947
00:46:48,920 --> 00:46:52,480
Speaker 1: to recognize we're probably more equal than we believe we are.

948
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:54,880
Speaker 1: And I think more people would win from that. I've

949
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:56,280
Speaker 1: gained so much from that exercise.

950
00:46:56,360 --> 00:46:57,120
Speaker 3: That's so good.

951
00:46:57,440 --> 00:46:59,279
Speaker 2: I love it. I'm going to definitely take that one.

952
00:46:59,520 --> 00:46:59,960
Speaker 3: I've got a few.

953
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:04,280
Speaker 2: It's for you, all right. Difference between intuition or insecurity?

954
00:47:04,719 --> 00:47:07,640
Speaker 2: How to tell if your guy is warning you or

955
00:47:07,719 --> 00:47:10,600
Speaker 2: if past trauma is crouding your judgment.

956
00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:17,000
Speaker 1: The difference between intuition and insecurity is insecurity is based

957
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:20,120
Speaker 1: on the past and intuition is based on the present.

958
00:47:20,640 --> 00:47:26,120
Speaker 1: You don't want a bad past relationship to impact your

959
00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:29,839
Speaker 1: notes on the relationship you're in today, but you want

960
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:32,040
Speaker 1: to check it. So if you have an insecurity, you

961
00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:34,240
Speaker 1: should check it. If you have an intuition, you should

962
00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:36,200
Speaker 1: check it. And I think the problem is we're trying

963
00:47:36,239 --> 00:47:39,360
Speaker 1: to make decisions based on intuition or insecurity, when actually

964
00:47:39,360 --> 00:47:42,799
Speaker 1: what we should be doing is asking questions. So there's

965
00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:46,640
Speaker 1: two questions I believe that everyone should ask as early

966
00:47:46,640 --> 00:47:50,239
Speaker 1: as possible in a relationship. The first is how do

967
00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:54,080
Speaker 1: you show love? That person may say to you, I

968
00:47:54,200 --> 00:47:57,640
Speaker 1: show love by always showing up on time. I show

969
00:47:57,719 --> 00:48:01,479
Speaker 1: love by always picking up the phone. I show love

970
00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:04,880
Speaker 1: by always responding to a text message. And all of

971
00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:08,520
Speaker 1: a sudden, you realize that you were just insecure about

972
00:48:08,520 --> 00:48:11,120
Speaker 1: whether they loved you or not because you were measuring

973
00:48:11,120 --> 00:48:13,960
Speaker 1: whether they loved you based on how your ex loved you,

974
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,160
Speaker 1: rather than asking them how do they show love? Because

975
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:19,000
Speaker 1: you didn't see them turning up on time is love?

976
00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:21,600
Speaker 1: You saw it as being timely. You didn't see them

977
00:48:21,640 --> 00:48:24,080
Speaker 1: picking up the phone as love. You saw that as

978
00:48:24,120 --> 00:48:27,399
Speaker 1: being available. You didn't see them as texting back as

979
00:48:27,400 --> 00:48:30,560
Speaker 1: being love. You saw them as being responsive. But that

980
00:48:30,640 --> 00:48:33,799
Speaker 1: was love through being available responsive, because that's how they

981
00:48:33,880 --> 00:48:36,440
Speaker 1: see love. And you should tell that person how you

982
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:39,960
Speaker 1: see love. Now you take away in securities because now

983
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:42,560
Speaker 1: I don't have to guess whether a text or a

984
00:48:42,640 --> 00:48:44,920
Speaker 1: lack of one is love or not, because the person's

985
00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:48,160
Speaker 1: told me how they show love and The second question

986
00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:52,880
Speaker 1: is what do you need when you're sad? What do

987
00:48:52,920 --> 00:48:55,000
Speaker 1: you need when you're having a bad day? What would

988
00:48:55,040 --> 00:48:57,799
Speaker 1: you like me to do? Because the truth is we're

989
00:48:57,840 --> 00:49:02,080
Speaker 1: all guessing, so our intuition failed. Sometimes we're thinking what

990
00:49:02,120 --> 00:49:04,919
Speaker 1: do I need on a bad day, and we're trying

991
00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:07,720
Speaker 1: to give it to that person. And what's really interesting

992
00:49:07,840 --> 00:49:10,879
Speaker 1: is we think people love the way we do, and

993
00:49:10,920 --> 00:49:13,719
Speaker 1: when they don't, we feel hurt. Yeah, so we feel, well,

994
00:49:13,760 --> 00:49:16,200
Speaker 1: if I was stuck, we're having a bad day, I

995
00:49:16,239 --> 00:49:18,480
Speaker 1: know i'd want to hug. I know i'd want a

996
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:21,080
Speaker 1: really nice message. I know i'd want you to turn up.

997
00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:22,719
Speaker 1: And so we do that to that person and that

998
00:49:22,760 --> 00:49:24,200
Speaker 1: person goes, wait, wait, wait, this is too much. I

999
00:49:24,200 --> 00:49:26,200
Speaker 1: didn't need this, And we think, oh, well, that person

1000
00:49:26,239 --> 00:49:28,640
Speaker 1: doesn't love me, they don't appreciate me. But actually we

1001
00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:31,080
Speaker 1: never checked in with them. And so to me, intuition

1002
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:33,759
Speaker 1: and insecurity are all about checking. And these are my

1003
00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:34,520
Speaker 1: two favorite questions.

1004
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:36,600
Speaker 2: That's so good. Okay, let me give a scenario for

1005
00:49:36,719 --> 00:49:38,759
Speaker 2: you then, and I want you to know how you

1006
00:49:38,880 --> 00:49:42,960
Speaker 2: navigate it. So let's assume you're on a date and

1007
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:46,120
Speaker 2: you really like them and you're like, oh my God,

1008
00:49:46,239 --> 00:49:48,600
Speaker 2: we have this connection. Maybe they're the one and my

1009
00:49:48,719 --> 00:49:53,279
Speaker 2: gut is telling me this is the one, Jay, So

1010
00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:56,600
Speaker 2: how do you know in that moment that your gut

1011
00:49:56,719 --> 00:49:59,080
Speaker 2: is telling you that that person is the right person?

1012
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:02,319
Speaker 2: Or it's the toss of pattern that you've had from

1013
00:50:02,440 --> 00:50:06,120
Speaker 2: Childer that says, if someone acts like this, it means love.

1014
00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:10,279
Speaker 1: You don't know in that moment your gut's lying to you.

1015
00:50:11,040 --> 00:50:16,520
Speaker 1: It's just plain and simple. It's very unrealistic for anyone

1016
00:50:16,960 --> 00:50:20,360
Speaker 1: to know in the first month of dating whether someone

1017
00:50:20,480 --> 00:50:23,000
Speaker 1: is the one or one of the.

1018
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:23,759
Speaker 3: People they'll be with.

1019
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:26,759
Speaker 1: Now, that person may evolve into the one, but you

1020
00:50:26,840 --> 00:50:29,239
Speaker 1: can't truly guarantee you knew it in that moment. You

1021
00:50:29,280 --> 00:50:31,439
Speaker 1: may say that in hindsight and a lot of people

1022
00:50:31,440 --> 00:50:32,799
Speaker 1: will be like and by the way, me and Ridley

1023
00:50:32,840 --> 00:50:34,560
Speaker 1: say that too, I felt like.

1024
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:34,920
Speaker 3: I knew that.

1025
00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:36,840
Speaker 1: By the way, when I met Riley, I knew in

1026
00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:38,560
Speaker 1: the first week or the first couple of weeks that

1027
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:39,240
Speaker 1: she was the one.

1028
00:50:39,280 --> 00:50:40,000
Speaker 3: I would have said that.

1029
00:50:40,040 --> 00:50:42,200
Speaker 1: Then Now, when I look back on that statement, I

1030
00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:44,680
Speaker 1: realized how crazy that was because I didn't even know

1031
00:50:44,719 --> 00:50:47,840
Speaker 1: what was expected of me, what's been expected of me

1032
00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:50,799
Speaker 1: in the last twelve years has made me realize she's

1033
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:52,040
Speaker 1: the one every day.

1034
00:50:52,880 --> 00:50:55,080
Speaker 3: I could never have known that on our wedding date.

1035
00:50:55,160 --> 00:50:56,680
Speaker 1: And by the way, even if your in juition turns

1036
00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:59,600
Speaker 1: out to be right, that's beautiful, but let's not put

1037
00:50:59,600 --> 00:51:01,480
Speaker 1: that out there is advice, That's what I'm trying to

1038
00:51:01,520 --> 00:51:03,719
Speaker 1: get to, and so I always say to people that

1039
00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:05,800
Speaker 1: you will fall in love with three people in your life.

1040
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:09,840
Speaker 1: The first is a firework. It lights up the sky.

1041
00:51:10,360 --> 00:51:13,040
Speaker 1: It's a big bang, but it fades very very quickly,

1042
00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:16,319
Speaker 1: and we all fall in love with that person. There's

1043
00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:18,560
Speaker 1: a second person you'll fall in love with, which is

1044
00:51:18,600 --> 00:51:23,400
Speaker 1: the candle. It burns not as bright, it's a bit calmer,

1045
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:26,719
Speaker 1: it burns longer, but you might even put it out

1046
00:51:26,760 --> 00:51:30,360
Speaker 1: yourself because it gets boring. And then the third person

1047
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:34,880
Speaker 1: is the mirror. And the mirror compassionately holds up to

1048
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:38,560
Speaker 1: you a reflection of yourself, shows you all your flaws,

1049
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:41,319
Speaker 1: your weaknesses. And the problem is a lot of us

1050
00:51:41,320 --> 00:51:44,200
Speaker 1: can't handle that. We think the mirror is broken because

1051
00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:46,040
Speaker 1: we don't want to see that, and so we push

1052
00:51:46,120 --> 00:51:49,680
Speaker 1: that away. And that's usually the one. The one's usually

1053
00:51:49,719 --> 00:51:52,000
Speaker 1: the person who can hold up the mirror. To you

1054
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:55,839
Speaker 1: in a compassionate and non judgmental way. So you have

1055
00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:58,319
Speaker 1: people who hold up the mirror to you, but they'll

1056
00:51:58,320 --> 00:51:59,920
Speaker 1: do it by going look at who you are, you

1057
00:52:00,120 --> 00:52:00,480
Speaker 1: see it.

1058
00:52:01,719 --> 00:52:02,480
Speaker 3: That's not the one.

1059
00:52:03,000 --> 00:52:05,839
Speaker 1: You'll have people who hold up the mirror to you,

1060
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:07,960
Speaker 1: but it's a broken mirror because they're just projecting their

1061
00:52:08,920 --> 00:52:11,400
Speaker 1: broken noss onto you. And that's not the one. The

1062
00:52:11,440 --> 00:52:14,759
Speaker 1: one is the person who compassionately, non judgmentally, with love

1063
00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:17,280
Speaker 1: and empathetically holds up a mirror to you and allows

1064
00:52:17,320 --> 00:52:19,160
Speaker 1: you to hold up a mirror to them. And I

1065
00:52:19,160 --> 00:52:23,080
Speaker 1: don't believe that's one person that's out there. It's the

1066
00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:26,200
Speaker 1: person that you both do it for. It has to

1067
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:28,399
Speaker 1: be a mutual thing. And so I think we need

1068
00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:33,800
Speaker 1: to lose this idea of this destined, fated, perfect person,

1069
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:38,840
Speaker 1: fully formed, fully created that exists, and go who's willing

1070
00:52:38,920 --> 00:52:40,880
Speaker 1: to work for me? And who am I willing to

1071
00:52:40,920 --> 00:52:43,759
Speaker 1: work for? Who's willing to learn with me? And who

1072
00:52:43,800 --> 00:52:46,160
Speaker 1: am I willing to learn for? Who's willing to grow

1073
00:52:46,200 --> 00:52:47,839
Speaker 1: for me? And who am I willing to grow for?

1074
00:52:48,160 --> 00:52:50,120
Speaker 1: And you won't know that in the first month. You

1075
00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:53,160
Speaker 1: have no idea in the first month whether someone's willing

1076
00:52:53,200 --> 00:52:55,839
Speaker 1: to grow for you, whether someone's willing to learn for you,

1077
00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:58,960
Speaker 1: whether someone's willing to change for you. Go through the challenges,

1078
00:52:59,040 --> 00:53:02,280
Speaker 1: grow through the challenges, make mistakes, see how you respond

1079
00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:06,080
Speaker 1: and live through that. And so you know someone loves

1080
00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:08,440
Speaker 1: you not when you have a great first date, but

1081
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:11,239
Speaker 1: when you have a great first fight. Like you know

1082
00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:14,880
Speaker 1: someone loves you not when they surprise you on your birthday,

1083
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:19,280
Speaker 1: but when they can deal with you having a surprising

1084
00:53:19,360 --> 00:53:22,359
Speaker 1: or challenging emotion. You know someone loves you not when

1085
00:53:22,880 --> 00:53:26,560
Speaker 1: you have an amazing vacation together, but when you figured

1086
00:53:26,560 --> 00:53:28,520
Speaker 1: out how to be okay when you didn't have one,

1087
00:53:28,719 --> 00:53:31,560
Speaker 1: Like that's how you learned that you loved each other.

1088
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:33,880
Speaker 1: When I look at me and Raddi, I look at

1089
00:53:33,880 --> 00:53:36,680
Speaker 1: the fact that when we moved country, when I lost

1090
00:53:36,719 --> 00:53:40,120
Speaker 1: my jobs, when I was transitioning, like when we're figuring

1091
00:53:40,160 --> 00:53:42,680
Speaker 1: stuff out, that's what proves to me that she's the one,

1092
00:53:43,320 --> 00:53:46,320
Speaker 1: Not the amazing wedding we had and not the amazing

1093
00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:49,200
Speaker 1: early dates we had, like they don't now prove to

1094
00:53:49,239 --> 00:53:52,160
Speaker 1: me that we love each other. So I don't think

1095
00:53:52,200 --> 00:53:54,359
Speaker 1: you get to see that for a long time. And

1096
00:53:54,560 --> 00:53:57,520
Speaker 1: it is that investment and there was a study that

1097
00:53:57,560 --> 00:54:02,000
Speaker 1: I read that showed that to make someone an acquaintance,

1098
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:05,200
Speaker 1: a casual acquaintance in your life, it takes forty hours.

1099
00:54:06,280 --> 00:54:08,560
Speaker 1: To consider someone a friend in your life, you have

1100
00:54:08,560 --> 00:54:11,319
Speaker 1: to spend one hundred hours, and to consider someone a

1101
00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:12,920
Speaker 1: good friend in your life, you have to spend two

1102
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:17,440
Speaker 1: hundred hours. If you haven't spent two hundred hours together yet,

1103
00:54:17,719 --> 00:54:20,799
Speaker 1: you really don't know this person. And I think that's

1104
00:54:20,800 --> 00:54:24,000
Speaker 1: why as adults it's so hard to find adult friends,

1105
00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:27,200
Speaker 1: and why it's so hard to date, because it's very

1106
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:29,840
Speaker 1: unlikely that as an adult, you have two hundred hours

1107
00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:32,520
Speaker 1: to get to know someone. But that's true, and I

1108
00:54:32,560 --> 00:54:35,160
Speaker 1: feel that resonates when I think about anyone I feel

1109
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:37,920
Speaker 1: knows me deeply, and that I know deeply spent two

1110
00:54:37,960 --> 00:54:39,600
Speaker 1: hundred hours with them in.

1111
00:54:39,520 --> 00:54:41,440
Speaker 3: Your first month of dating. What do you know about

1112
00:54:41,440 --> 00:54:41,960
Speaker 3: this person?

1113
00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:44,160
Speaker 1: You don't know about their relationship with their parents, You

1114
00:54:44,200 --> 00:54:46,520
Speaker 1: don't know about their relationship with their siblings, you don't

1115
00:54:46,560 --> 00:54:48,520
Speaker 1: know about their relationship with their boss.

1116
00:54:48,719 --> 00:54:50,200
Speaker 3: You don't know about their relationship with you.

1117
00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:53,439
Speaker 1: In any other circumstance apart from on this interview like date,

1118
00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:56,040
Speaker 1: you actually know very little about this person, And so

1119
00:54:56,160 --> 00:54:58,800
Speaker 1: until you actually live life and experience different facets of

1120
00:54:58,840 --> 00:55:01,960
Speaker 1: their life, not start building a life with someone that

1121
00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:03,800
Speaker 1: we don't know anything about their life.

1122
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,120
Speaker 2: That's so true. And I don't know if you remember this,

1123
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:08,520
Speaker 2: but there was something that you taught me that stuck

1124
00:55:08,680 --> 00:55:11,360
Speaker 2: with me to this day. So it was about maybe

1125
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:13,120
Speaker 2: two years ago. I can't remember what trip we were

1126
00:55:13,160 --> 00:55:14,839
Speaker 2: on together, for everyone at home, we've been on many

1127
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:20,040
Speaker 2: trips together. And someone had really hurt me emotionally and

1128
00:55:20,120 --> 00:55:22,719
Speaker 2: had broken my trust. And I remember turning to you

1129
00:55:22,760 --> 00:55:24,480
Speaker 2: and I was like, Jay, I didn't see it coming.

1130
00:55:25,040 --> 00:55:28,480
Speaker 2: I was like, I trusted them and they backstabbed me.

1131
00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:30,360
Speaker 2: And I remember you looking at me and you're like, okay,

1132
00:55:30,360 --> 00:55:32,680
Speaker 2: so did you have them earn your trust? And my

1133
00:55:32,719 --> 00:55:35,560
Speaker 2: answer was no. And I remember you saying that this

1134
00:55:35,680 --> 00:55:38,560
Speaker 2: was years ago, and still to this day, whenever I

1135
00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:40,680
Speaker 2: go to, oh my god, I trust them, the very

1136
00:55:40,719 --> 00:55:42,520
Speaker 2: next thing is you and my head saying, hanging on,

1137
00:55:42,600 --> 00:55:45,319
Speaker 2: but have they earned it? And so I think then

1138
00:55:45,360 --> 00:55:47,680
Speaker 2: in those moments, in that first month of dating, we

1139
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:50,720
Speaker 2: go off our emotions and the chemicals in our body,

1140
00:55:50,960 --> 00:55:53,640
Speaker 2: but we're made to believe it's love or trust or

1141
00:55:53,640 --> 00:55:54,319
Speaker 2: things like that.

1142
00:55:54,239 --> 00:55:56,880
Speaker 1: And I'm so glad you remember that, and it resonated

1143
00:55:56,880 --> 00:55:59,399
Speaker 1: with you, like I'm not saying you're sitting there either

1144
00:55:59,480 --> 00:56:01,000
Speaker 1: judging them as well and going, oh, wait a minute,

1145
00:56:01,040 --> 00:56:01,680
Speaker 1: are they trustworthy?

1146
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:03,279
Speaker 3: Like it's it's not either or.

1147
00:56:03,560 --> 00:56:05,279
Speaker 1: And then the reason I say that is because I

1148
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:08,600
Speaker 1: think we give away trust too easily. If you've not

1149
00:56:08,760 --> 00:56:13,240
Speaker 1: seen someone in multiple moods, and when you're in multiple moods,

1150
00:56:13,800 --> 00:56:16,120
Speaker 1: how can you trust them Because you don't know how

1151
00:56:16,120 --> 00:56:18,759
Speaker 1: they're going to respond to you being a certain way,

1152
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:22,920
Speaker 1: So you can't trust them in that specific experience. And

1153
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:25,640
Speaker 1: so your trust is very broad and overarching. And I

1154
00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:28,920
Speaker 1: think at one point we just have to stop breaking

1155
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:32,160
Speaker 1: our own heart because we don't fall in love with

1156
00:56:32,200 --> 00:56:35,320
Speaker 1: the person. We fall in love with who we expect

1157
00:56:35,320 --> 00:56:39,600
Speaker 1: them to be. We don't fall in love with the

1158
00:56:39,640 --> 00:56:42,799
Speaker 1: person that they are. We fall in love with the

1159
00:56:42,800 --> 00:56:45,960
Speaker 1: potential that we see for them. We don't fall in

1160
00:56:46,000 --> 00:56:51,399
Speaker 1: love with the act that they show us. We fall

1161
00:56:51,440 --> 00:56:54,080
Speaker 1: in love with the dreams that we hope they're going

1162
00:56:54,120 --> 00:56:57,200
Speaker 1: to help us build. And so our constant reality is

1163
00:56:57,200 --> 00:56:59,959
Speaker 1: being lived in our head. And now you're not living

1164
00:56:59,960 --> 00:57:02,960
Speaker 1: in reality, you're living in your mind. And then that

1165
00:57:03,000 --> 00:57:05,280
Speaker 1: person doesn't live up to the picture in your mind.

1166
00:57:05,280 --> 00:57:07,960
Speaker 1: They're living in the real world, and now they hurt you.

1167
00:57:08,040 --> 00:57:11,719
Speaker 1: And so we break our own hearts because we don't

1168
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:15,359
Speaker 1: allow that person to earn our trust. We break our

1169
00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:19,520
Speaker 1: own hearts because we don't let them prove themselves in

1170
00:57:19,640 --> 00:57:24,120
Speaker 1: different experiences and scenarios. And we break our own heart

1171
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:27,800
Speaker 1: because we imagined who they were before they showed us

1172
00:57:27,840 --> 00:57:32,200
Speaker 1: they were. And so we're constantly we're just constantly breaking

1173
00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:35,040
Speaker 1: our own hearts because you just don't know how someone's

1174
00:57:35,080 --> 00:57:36,560
Speaker 1: going to do something until you see them do it.

1175
00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:39,720
Speaker 2: So where's that line between the values that someone has

1176
00:57:39,880 --> 00:57:43,640
Speaker 2: versus what they say? Because actually, let's go back to relationships. Yeah,

1177
00:57:43,680 --> 00:57:47,720
Speaker 2: and how you cannot fix something Jay Shelley quote. We

1178
00:57:47,800 --> 00:57:49,480
Speaker 2: think we have to fix people, but we have to

1179
00:57:49,520 --> 00:57:52,960
Speaker 2: love them while they fix themselves. So how often do

1180
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:55,520
Speaker 2: we try to Why is that detrimental? And why do

1181
00:57:55,560 --> 00:57:57,760
Speaker 2: we keep doing it? Why do we keep trying to

1182
00:57:57,760 --> 00:57:58,280
Speaker 2: fix people?

1183
00:57:58,440 --> 00:57:59,920
Speaker 1: I think the first thing you have to understand it

1184
00:58:00,160 --> 00:58:06,120
Speaker 1: is you can't fix anyone, right. You can't fix someone else,

1185
00:58:06,520 --> 00:58:09,320
Speaker 1: but you can break yourself in the process. You can't

1186
00:58:09,320 --> 00:58:11,640
Speaker 1: fix someone else, but you can waste a lot of

1187
00:58:11,720 --> 00:58:15,840
Speaker 1: years believing that you can and you can't fix anyone,

1188
00:58:16,320 --> 00:58:19,600
Speaker 1: but you can convince yourself that it's your responsibility. So

1189
00:58:19,720 --> 00:58:21,520
Speaker 1: I think those are the three things we do. We

1190
00:58:21,560 --> 00:58:25,080
Speaker 1: convince ourselves it's our responsibility. We convince ourselves it's only

1191
00:58:25,120 --> 00:58:28,000
Speaker 1: a matter of time. And we convince ourselves I'm ready

1192
00:58:28,040 --> 00:58:30,920
Speaker 1: to do anything it takes to fix them. Because guess what,

1193
00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:33,560
Speaker 1: we believe if we fight hard enough, I can make

1194
00:58:33,600 --> 00:58:37,720
Speaker 1: the wrong person the right person. Why do we do it?

1195
00:58:37,840 --> 00:58:41,920
Speaker 1: Number one evalidates us. It gives our life meaning and value.

1196
00:58:41,960 --> 00:58:44,280
Speaker 1: We have a role to play, and we believe we

1197
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:46,960
Speaker 1: have a target to hit. If we can successfully make

1198
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:51,000
Speaker 1: this person fixed, we did something amazing. It's actually about us.

1199
00:58:51,560 --> 00:58:54,200
Speaker 1: The second reason is we don't want to be with

1200
00:58:54,200 --> 00:58:57,160
Speaker 1: a loser. By what we think is a loser, We

1201
00:58:57,160 --> 00:58:58,920
Speaker 1: don't want to be with someone because that now brings

1202
00:58:58,920 --> 00:59:01,560
Speaker 1: down our value. We now feel, well, if I'm with

1203
00:59:01,640 --> 00:59:04,960
Speaker 1: someone who doesn't sort themselves out, then everyone else is

1204
00:59:04,960 --> 00:59:07,120
Speaker 1: going to think that I have no value. So now

1205
00:59:07,160 --> 00:59:09,680
Speaker 1: again thinking about our value again, we're actually not thinking

1206
00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:13,120
Speaker 1: about them. And third, if we're truly compassionate and altruistic

1207
00:59:13,200 --> 00:59:16,480
Speaker 1: and really caring about them, we genuinely.

1208
00:59:15,960 --> 00:59:16,880
Speaker 3: See their potential.

1209
00:59:17,600 --> 00:59:21,360
Speaker 1: You see their potential and you're thinking they could just

1210
00:59:21,480 --> 00:59:25,600
Speaker 1: be amazing, they could be phenomenal, And maybe there is

1211
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:27,240
Speaker 1: a part of you that does it from a deep

1212
00:59:27,320 --> 00:59:29,800
Speaker 1: sense of care because you can see how amazing they are.

1213
00:59:30,600 --> 00:59:34,040
Speaker 1: But the reason you can't fix them is because maybe

1214
00:59:34,080 --> 00:59:36,880
Speaker 1: that's not what they want to fix. Maybe that's not

1215
00:59:36,960 --> 00:59:39,520
Speaker 1: how they see they're broken. Maybe that's not the part

1216
00:59:39,520 --> 00:59:42,520
Speaker 1: of themselves they want to mend. The potential you see

1217
00:59:42,920 --> 00:59:45,880
Speaker 1: isn't the potential they see. They maybe don't even want

1218
00:59:45,920 --> 00:59:48,760
Speaker 1: that life. I remember saying that to Radley for so long,

1219
00:59:48,800 --> 00:59:52,080
Speaker 1: where it was like I didn't want her to mirror

1220
00:59:52,120 --> 00:59:54,000
Speaker 1: her life off of anything I wanted to do. I

1221
00:59:54,040 --> 00:59:56,480
Speaker 1: was like, I want you to do exactly what you

1222
00:59:56,520 --> 00:59:58,800
Speaker 1: want to do. And Radley loved learning. So she did

1223
00:59:58,880 --> 01:00:01,880
Speaker 1: courses and she did she did yoga, teacher training. She

1224
01:00:01,920 --> 01:00:03,919
Speaker 1: was doing all this education because she was so happy

1225
01:00:03,960 --> 01:00:06,200
Speaker 1: and excited about it. She did a book because she

1226
01:00:06,280 --> 01:00:08,200
Speaker 1: was excited about it. She launched the podcast because she

1227
01:00:08,280 --> 01:00:10,919
Speaker 1: was excited about learning. And I've had so many people

1228
01:00:10,920 --> 01:00:12,840
Speaker 1: say to me like I wish he was more ambitious,

1229
01:00:13,680 --> 01:00:15,920
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, then go and find someone more ambitious,

1230
01:00:16,120 --> 01:00:18,720
Speaker 1: because chances are he doesn't want to be ambitious. He's

1231
01:00:18,760 --> 01:00:20,960
Speaker 1: showing you every day that he doesn't want to be ambitious.

1232
01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:23,520
Speaker 1: And you think, because you're ambitious, you can make him ambitious.

1233
01:00:23,800 --> 01:00:24,400
Speaker 3: No, you can't.

1234
01:00:24,640 --> 01:00:26,800
Speaker 1: You can make him try harder for a month, but

1235
01:00:26,840 --> 01:00:28,640
Speaker 1: he's going to go back to being that same person,

1236
01:00:28,760 --> 01:00:29,040
Speaker 1: and he.

1237
01:00:29,040 --> 01:00:30,560
Speaker 2: Probably just feels worse about it.

1238
01:00:30,800 --> 01:00:31,280
Speaker 3: Exactly.

1239
01:00:31,360 --> 01:00:35,320
Speaker 1: He's now carrying the guilt and now he's insecure, wondering

1240
01:00:35,360 --> 01:00:37,680
Speaker 1: if you're going to leave him, because he actually thinks

1241
01:00:37,720 --> 01:00:40,560
Speaker 1: that you might because you're not satisfied with him. Every

1242
01:00:40,560 --> 01:00:43,520
Speaker 1: time he meets an ambitious man, he's now judging himself

1243
01:00:43,520 --> 01:00:45,360
Speaker 1: and measuring himself up against that person.

1244
01:00:45,680 --> 01:00:48,120
Speaker 3: But he doesn't want to be that. He has different values.

1245
01:00:48,520 --> 01:00:50,480
Speaker 1: And so, going back to a point we made earlier,

1246
01:00:51,760 --> 01:00:56,200
Speaker 1: you getting someone to value what you value isn't love.

1247
01:00:56,840 --> 01:00:59,320
Speaker 1: If I convince you to value what I value, that

1248
01:00:59,440 --> 01:01:02,000
Speaker 1: is in love. Love is I love what you value

1249
01:01:02,040 --> 01:01:05,280
Speaker 1: because it makes you who you are. I've always said

1250
01:01:05,280 --> 01:01:09,160
Speaker 1: that Radi's number one value in life is family. It's

1251
01:01:09,200 --> 01:01:11,280
Speaker 1: always a number one value. My number one value in

1252
01:01:11,320 --> 01:01:15,440
Speaker 1: life is purpose. I will choose purpose over a family event.

1253
01:01:16,200 --> 01:01:19,440
Speaker 1: Radi will choose family over a purpose event for her.

1254
01:01:21,200 --> 01:01:23,880
Speaker 1: Neither's right or wrong, It's just who we are. And

1255
01:01:23,960 --> 01:01:26,280
Speaker 1: I love that for her. If she would choose to

1256
01:01:26,280 --> 01:01:28,720
Speaker 1: go and spend time with her family over an event

1257
01:01:28,800 --> 01:01:30,920
Speaker 1: that I had to go to, I would love that

1258
01:01:31,000 --> 01:01:33,400
Speaker 1: for her. Why it makes her the person I love.

1259
01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:37,760
Speaker 1: The reason she's so adorable and lovable and everything is

1260
01:01:37,800 --> 01:01:40,919
Speaker 1: because of her value. And why would she be happy

1261
01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:43,640
Speaker 1: for me to choose purpose over the family event? Because

1262
01:01:43,640 --> 01:01:45,800
Speaker 1: she knows that's what makes me lovable. The man that

1263
01:01:45,840 --> 01:01:47,480
Speaker 1: she loves, the man that she admires, the man that

1264
01:01:47,520 --> 01:01:51,280
Speaker 1: she respects, is that man who makes that choice. So

1265
01:01:51,600 --> 01:01:54,360
Speaker 1: you trying to change your partner's values are going to

1266
01:01:54,400 --> 01:01:57,080
Speaker 1: make them less of the person you love and more

1267
01:01:57,120 --> 01:01:59,280
Speaker 1: of the person you don't love. You're actually going to

1268
01:01:59,400 --> 01:02:04,000
Speaker 1: take away from from them their spark and their joy

1269
01:02:04,160 --> 01:02:07,360
Speaker 1: and their heart and their value and everything. And you're

1270
01:02:07,360 --> 01:02:10,680
Speaker 1: actually going to become their kryptonite and shrink them because

1271
01:02:10,720 --> 01:02:12,120
Speaker 1: you're taking away where they valued.

1272
01:02:12,320 --> 01:02:15,320
Speaker 2: Okay, so what if you're with somebody, So you've got

1273
01:02:15,320 --> 01:02:18,760
Speaker 2: with Rady, you know she values family that you see

1274
01:02:18,800 --> 01:02:21,960
Speaker 2: it's beautiful. You see how that shows up what sometimes

1275
01:02:21,960 --> 01:02:24,480
Speaker 2: happens Over time, though, is their value starts to change

1276
01:02:24,520 --> 01:02:27,600
Speaker 2: and then now no longer that person that got the

1277
01:02:27,680 --> 01:02:30,600
Speaker 2: joy from let's say the family. In those moments, I

1278
01:02:30,640 --> 01:02:32,919
Speaker 2: think we try to fix that person, to come back

1279
01:02:32,960 --> 01:02:34,800
Speaker 2: to the person that we first met, that we first

1280
01:02:34,800 --> 01:02:37,360
Speaker 2: fell in love with, and going back to the growth

1281
01:02:37,360 --> 01:02:39,640
Speaker 2: thing where it's like you can be on different paths.

1282
01:02:39,840 --> 01:02:43,840
Speaker 2: Sometimes I think someone in a relationship dynamic one partner

1283
01:02:44,280 --> 01:02:45,760
Speaker 2: is like, hang on a minute, I fell in love

1284
01:02:45,760 --> 01:02:48,640
Speaker 2: with this person. This is the person I may be married.

1285
01:02:48,680 --> 01:02:51,320
Speaker 2: This is the person that I was with. And now

1286
01:02:51,360 --> 01:02:54,640
Speaker 2: over time you've changed. How did you start to navigate

1287
01:02:54,640 --> 01:02:57,600
Speaker 2: that without the person feeling bad about that change? So,

1288
01:02:57,880 --> 01:03:00,439
Speaker 2: RADI met you, you just come out of monk hold.

1289
01:03:00,480 --> 01:03:02,160
Speaker 2: I'm not sure what you would call it. Mon could

1290
01:03:02,520 --> 01:03:05,480
Speaker 2: So you just come out of monk hood and you're coaching,

1291
01:03:05,600 --> 01:03:08,800
Speaker 2: you're teaching. She knows who you are, you're all spiritual.

1292
01:03:09,400 --> 01:03:13,160
Speaker 2: Let's say ten years later, you're just an ask you

1293
01:03:13,200 --> 01:03:15,840
Speaker 2: don't care about work, you don't really care about people,

1294
01:03:16,640 --> 01:03:18,600
Speaker 2: and now she's like, hang on a minute, You're not

1295
01:03:18,640 --> 01:03:19,680
Speaker 2: the person I fell in love with.

1296
01:03:20,040 --> 01:03:23,600
Speaker 3: Yeah. Absolutely, There's three things. The first is.

1297
01:03:25,080 --> 01:03:28,440
Speaker 1: You have to check whether that person wants to change

1298
01:03:29,280 --> 01:03:31,720
Speaker 1: and how they want to change and who they want

1299
01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:35,440
Speaker 1: to be, and that will take time because it will

1300
01:03:35,480 --> 01:03:39,080
Speaker 1: take time for them to open up and admit because,

1301
01:03:39,760 --> 01:03:42,360
Speaker 1: let's say they want to be that person they were before,

1302
01:03:43,080 --> 01:03:45,200
Speaker 1: that's hard for them to admit because it feels really

1303
01:03:45,200 --> 01:03:47,840
Speaker 1: far for them and they feel it's quite impossible. So

1304
01:03:47,920 --> 01:03:49,240
Speaker 1: in the beginning, they may say, I don't want to

1305
01:03:49,240 --> 01:03:51,200
Speaker 1: talk about it. In the beginning, they may say no,

1306
01:03:51,240 --> 01:03:53,320
Speaker 1: I love who I am. In the beginning, they may

1307
01:03:53,320 --> 01:03:55,720
Speaker 1: say no, I'm happy with how life's going. But those

1308
01:03:55,760 --> 01:03:59,280
Speaker 1: are just defense mechanisms to not really go there because

1309
01:03:59,320 --> 01:04:03,520
Speaker 1: they find it an unimaginable task to become that person again.

1310
01:04:04,120 --> 01:04:06,120
Speaker 1: So you have to be patient and check, and that

1311
01:04:06,160 --> 01:04:11,040
Speaker 1: will take time. The second thing, after checking and seeing

1312
01:04:11,080 --> 01:04:14,640
Speaker 1: if they've been ready for change if they are, is

1313
01:04:15,680 --> 01:04:20,640
Speaker 1: are you open to being the person that is now

1314
01:04:20,680 --> 01:04:25,000
Speaker 1: required of you while they change? Are you willing to

1315
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:29,040
Speaker 1: be patient? Are you willing to shift? Are you willing

1316
01:04:29,080 --> 01:04:32,200
Speaker 1: to adjust in order to be patient? Now that you

1317
01:04:32,400 --> 01:04:36,160
Speaker 1: know how they're changing and where they're growing and going,

1318
01:04:37,480 --> 01:04:39,320
Speaker 1: it's all about you. It's not about them. It's about

1319
01:04:39,320 --> 01:04:39,680
Speaker 1: are you.

1320
01:04:39,640 --> 01:04:40,200
Speaker 3: Okay with that?

1321
01:04:40,520 --> 01:04:42,680
Speaker 1: And then the third is are you willing to fall

1322
01:04:42,680 --> 01:04:45,200
Speaker 1: in love with them again? Are you willing to fall

1323
01:04:45,240 --> 01:04:48,320
Speaker 1: in love with the same person again now that they're

1324
01:04:48,360 --> 01:04:50,960
Speaker 1: a different person, or are you not?

1325
01:04:51,360 --> 01:04:52,680
Speaker 3: So it's all about you.

1326
01:04:53,120 --> 01:04:54,840
Speaker 1: We think it's about them. I'll give you a really

1327
01:04:54,920 --> 01:04:58,400
Speaker 1: practical example. I was working with someone years ago now

1328
01:04:59,240 --> 01:05:02,760
Speaker 1: and they had discovered that their partner was addicted to

1329
01:05:02,800 --> 01:05:08,400
Speaker 1: porn and it was really hurtful to them because they

1330
01:05:08,560 --> 01:05:10,600
Speaker 1: didn't want to be in a partnership where the other

1331
01:05:10,640 --> 01:05:14,439
Speaker 1: person had this addiction. So their first reaction was, this

1332
01:05:14,480 --> 01:05:17,360
Speaker 1: has to end. I can't be with this person. I

1333
01:05:17,360 --> 01:05:20,720
Speaker 1: thought they were the one. I can't believe it. When

1334
01:05:20,720 --> 01:05:23,880
Speaker 1: they sat themselves down and finally got the partner to

1335
01:05:23,920 --> 01:05:26,840
Speaker 1: open up, who, by the way, was a shamed, guilty

1336
01:05:27,400 --> 01:05:30,840
Speaker 1: dealing with all of their stress around this themselves, the

1337
01:05:30,880 --> 01:05:34,840
Speaker 1: partner finally said, I don't want to have this addiction either.

1338
01:05:35,200 --> 01:05:37,840
Speaker 1: I really want to work on it. So now it

1339
01:05:37,880 --> 01:05:40,400
Speaker 1: moved to question number two after the checking and knowing

1340
01:05:41,040 --> 01:05:43,640
Speaker 1: the question was and I asked them this question, are

1341
01:05:43,680 --> 01:05:46,640
Speaker 1: you willing to be patient? Are you willing to realize

1342
01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:50,520
Speaker 1: that your partner will have days where they will fall

1343
01:05:50,560 --> 01:05:54,040
Speaker 1: back into their addiction? Are you willing to tolerate the

1344
01:05:54,120 --> 01:05:57,760
Speaker 1: idea that you may feel betrayed. Are you willing to

1345
01:05:57,840 --> 01:06:00,840
Speaker 1: tolerate the memories you will have of the pictures they

1346
01:06:00,880 --> 01:06:03,640
Speaker 1: have on their phone, because none of that's going away.

1347
01:06:04,320 --> 01:06:06,840
Speaker 1: So it's not about whether you can forgive them, it's

1348
01:06:06,840 --> 01:06:10,800
Speaker 1: about whether you can tolerate your memories, your pain, and

1349
01:06:10,840 --> 01:06:13,440
Speaker 1: your stress that keeps coming back every time you look

1350
01:06:13,440 --> 01:06:17,440
Speaker 1: at them. Are you willing to change and adjust because

1351
01:06:17,480 --> 01:06:19,960
Speaker 1: now you know where they want to go? And are

1352
01:06:19,960 --> 01:06:22,520
Speaker 1: you willing to go at their timeline not yours? It's

1353
01:06:22,600 --> 01:06:25,520
Speaker 1: your question. That person at that time said yes, I'm

1354
01:06:25,520 --> 01:06:27,920
Speaker 1: going to wait. I believe in them, and I'm going

1355
01:06:28,000 --> 01:06:31,600
Speaker 1: to wait. And then the third step is where they're

1356
01:06:31,600 --> 01:06:33,440
Speaker 1: willing to fall in love with the same person who's

1357
01:06:33,480 --> 01:06:36,720
Speaker 1: now a different person. That couple's been together for as

1358
01:06:36,720 --> 01:06:39,440
Speaker 1: long as I've known them. Now, Wow, and it was

1359
01:06:39,480 --> 01:06:42,800
Speaker 1: a long process. It wasn't easy. If someone's an adict,

1360
01:06:42,800 --> 01:06:44,160
Speaker 1: it's going to take a long time. By the way,

1361
01:06:44,160 --> 01:06:47,360
Speaker 1: the person who was doing the waiting, they probably lost

1362
01:06:47,440 --> 01:06:49,600
Speaker 1: years of their life while they were supporting that person

1363
01:06:49,640 --> 01:06:50,080
Speaker 1: as well.

1364
01:06:50,600 --> 01:06:52,080
Speaker 3: But they wanted to do that.

1365
01:06:52,160 --> 01:06:55,200
Speaker 1: They opted in for that life and I don't think

1366
01:06:55,440 --> 01:06:57,760
Speaker 1: someone should be shamed or guilted for staying or leaving

1367
01:06:57,800 --> 01:07:00,320
Speaker 1: based on where they are in their life. You have

1368
01:07:00,320 --> 01:07:02,960
Speaker 1: to live based on your values, and so yes, you

1369
01:07:03,040 --> 01:07:05,800
Speaker 1: may end up realizing that ten years down the line

1370
01:07:05,920 --> 01:07:08,000
Speaker 1: you're married to someone who has a different set of values.

1371
01:07:08,240 --> 01:07:10,920
Speaker 1: And let's paint the opposite picture. They like where their

1372
01:07:10,960 --> 01:07:14,400
Speaker 1: life's going. They don't want to change, They don't want

1373
01:07:14,440 --> 01:07:17,160
Speaker 1: to go back to who they were. Sadly, you have

1374
01:07:17,200 --> 01:07:21,320
Speaker 1: to ask yourself the same question two and three. Do

1375
01:07:21,400 --> 01:07:24,480
Speaker 1: I want to change with this change? Do I even

1376
01:07:24,560 --> 01:07:27,120
Speaker 1: have to change? Or actually, can I just be the same?

1377
01:07:28,000 --> 01:07:30,160
Speaker 1: And can I fall in love with this person again

1378
01:07:30,200 --> 01:07:34,120
Speaker 1: now that they're a different person, And if you can't, sadly,

1379
01:07:34,400 --> 01:07:38,240
Speaker 1: that is how things end. But you shouldn't force yourself

1380
01:07:38,360 --> 01:07:41,640
Speaker 1: to keep looking for the person they once were in

1381
01:07:41,680 --> 01:07:44,120
Speaker 1: the person they are today, because you're going to spend

1382
01:07:44,120 --> 01:07:47,640
Speaker 1: your whole life searching for someone who's disappeared or doesn't

1383
01:07:47,680 --> 01:07:50,960
Speaker 1: exist anymore, and you're going to keep hoping and waiting

1384
01:07:51,000 --> 01:07:54,000
Speaker 1: for that person to come back. And people waste their

1385
01:07:54,040 --> 01:07:56,760
Speaker 1: whole life doing that. When that person left a long

1386
01:07:56,760 --> 01:07:58,080
Speaker 1: time ago.

1387
01:07:58,440 --> 01:08:01,880
Speaker 2: There's such a great breakdown. And I love how you think, Like,

1388
01:08:01,960 --> 01:08:04,360
Speaker 2: I really love how you think because every time I'm like, okay,

1389
01:08:04,360 --> 01:08:05,680
Speaker 2: it's going to answer it like this, you never do.

1390
01:08:06,040 --> 01:08:08,480
Speaker 2: Like the idea of like asking yourself those questions is

1391
01:08:08,480 --> 01:08:11,720
Speaker 2: so important, like one thousand percent because I'm on you.

1392
01:08:11,880 --> 01:08:14,760
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, I think, but I'm look. I started

1393
01:08:14,800 --> 01:08:17,080
Speaker 2: Women of Impact Channel so that women never feel like

1394
01:08:17,120 --> 01:08:19,160
Speaker 2: they give their power away again? And where are the

1395
01:08:19,200 --> 01:08:21,920
Speaker 2: moments where we end up losing that control or losing

1396
01:08:21,960 --> 01:08:23,760
Speaker 2: our power and we never find it again. We spend

1397
01:08:23,800 --> 01:08:26,920
Speaker 2: the rest of our life feeling weak, unable to get

1398
01:08:26,920 --> 01:08:30,880
Speaker 2: back up metaphorically. And so I love the personal ownership.

1399
01:08:30,960 --> 01:08:33,799
Speaker 2: I love it because then no one can impact except

1400
01:08:33,800 --> 01:08:36,320
Speaker 2: for me. And so even the way you broke it down,

1401
01:08:36,560 --> 01:08:38,679
Speaker 2: I think for me, I would have given my power

1402
01:08:38,680 --> 01:08:41,360
Speaker 2: away to that person. How long are you going to take?

1403
01:08:41,400 --> 01:08:43,080
Speaker 2: When are you going to do it? By I thought

1404
01:08:43,120 --> 01:08:44,240
Speaker 2: you said you were going to do this, but you

1405
01:08:44,280 --> 01:08:45,000
Speaker 2: didn't just do that.

1406
01:08:45,320 --> 01:08:46,960
Speaker 1: I was just about to say that all of those

1407
01:08:47,040 --> 01:08:50,679
Speaker 1: questions are unanswerable. All of those questions have no answer.

1408
01:08:51,200 --> 01:08:53,200
Speaker 1: If I asked you the question to think about, like, well,

1409
01:08:53,200 --> 01:08:54,280
Speaker 1: how long do you think it's going to take for

1410
01:08:54,280 --> 01:08:56,720
Speaker 1: you to figure out this addiction. That person doesn't have

1411
01:08:56,720 --> 01:09:00,679
Speaker 1: a clue. It's your timeline. And when you don't want

1412
01:09:00,680 --> 01:09:02,920
Speaker 1: to make it about your timeline, you want to make

1413
01:09:02,920 --> 01:09:05,200
Speaker 1: it about the person. What you're doing is you're actually

1414
01:09:05,200 --> 01:09:07,840
Speaker 1: putting pressure on them to change next week. I always

1415
01:09:07,840 --> 01:09:09,400
Speaker 1: say to someone, I'm like, it's going to take someone

1416
01:09:09,439 --> 01:09:11,720
Speaker 1: like seven years to change. Like, if you really look

1417
01:09:11,760 --> 01:09:15,120
Speaker 1: at human change, it takes three to seven years for

1418
01:09:15,200 --> 01:09:19,519
Speaker 1: someone to actually change. So you're committing to a long

1419
01:09:19,560 --> 01:09:22,160
Speaker 1: period of time if you're going to commit to change,

1420
01:09:22,280 --> 01:09:24,680
Speaker 1: And that's if someone's actually doing the work, putting in

1421
01:09:24,760 --> 01:09:26,920
Speaker 1: the time, putting in the energy. Now, what ends up

1422
01:09:26,920 --> 01:09:29,320
Speaker 1: happening is people usually put in the energy but then

1423
01:09:29,360 --> 01:09:31,639
Speaker 1: fall back, and when you're waiting for them to change,

1424
01:09:31,640 --> 01:09:33,040
Speaker 1: you're like, wait a minute, last month, you were doing

1425
01:09:33,120 --> 01:09:35,559
Speaker 1: everything right, what's going on right now? And now what

1426
01:09:35,600 --> 01:09:38,160
Speaker 1: you're doing is creating stress for yourself. And then if

1427
01:09:38,160 --> 01:09:41,360
Speaker 1: you're not willing to wait three to ten years, chances

1428
01:09:41,360 --> 01:09:43,320
Speaker 1: that it's not going to happen in three months, depending

1429
01:09:43,360 --> 01:09:45,320
Speaker 1: on what the change is. But I think a lot

1430
01:09:45,360 --> 01:09:47,599
Speaker 1: of us want things to happen in months that take years.

1431
01:09:48,120 --> 01:09:51,320
Speaker 1: And it's an unanswerable question because no one knows, and

1432
01:09:51,400 --> 01:09:53,840
Speaker 1: by the way, that person will always flip flop, because

1433
01:09:53,840 --> 01:09:54,439
Speaker 1: that's what.

1434
01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:55,519
Speaker 3: Change is like.

1435
01:09:56,200 --> 01:09:59,679
Speaker 1: Change isn't linear, it isn't in one direction. It's multi

1436
01:09:59,760 --> 01:10:03,679
Speaker 1: direc and multifaceted and up and down. And so if

1437
01:10:03,720 --> 01:10:05,479
Speaker 1: you don't want to tolerate that, if you don't feel

1438
01:10:05,520 --> 01:10:08,000
Speaker 1: ready to do that, you're well within your rights to

1439
01:10:08,040 --> 01:10:12,080
Speaker 1: say I can't do this. And I think it's so

1440
01:10:12,200 --> 01:10:14,959
Speaker 1: hard when we live our lives based on someone else's timeline.

1441
01:10:15,960 --> 01:10:16,559
Speaker 3: You can't.

1442
01:10:16,760 --> 01:10:20,439
Speaker 1: You'll always be chasing it or pressurizing it or pushing it.

1443
01:10:20,439 --> 01:10:23,519
Speaker 2: It's such a good technique in thinking about change as well.

1444
01:10:23,560 --> 01:10:25,200
Speaker 2: The one thing that Tom and I do is if

1445
01:10:25,240 --> 01:10:27,200
Speaker 2: I'm trying to change something, so I used to say

1446
01:10:27,240 --> 01:10:29,280
Speaker 2: to him, like you always or you never, right.

1447
01:10:29,360 --> 01:10:29,880
Speaker 3: I was very.

1448
01:10:29,880 --> 01:10:33,960
Speaker 2: Dramatic like that, and I realized it. I made a

1449
01:10:34,160 --> 01:10:36,479
Speaker 2: very conscious effort to stop. But when you've been doing

1450
01:10:36,520 --> 01:10:40,040
Speaker 2: it in a relationship for fifteen twenty years, it's so natural.

1451
01:10:40,560 --> 01:10:43,600
Speaker 2: So I start changing my behavior. And it was like

1452
01:10:43,640 --> 01:10:45,479
Speaker 2: something like three or four months. I hadn't said it.

1453
01:10:45,520 --> 01:10:47,640
Speaker 2: I caught myself every time, and then I go and

1454
01:10:47,640 --> 01:10:49,439
Speaker 2: accidentally drop it, and he's like, here you go. You

1455
01:10:49,479 --> 01:10:51,920
Speaker 2: go and do Absolutely. I'm like, you're right, I've been

1456
01:10:51,960 --> 01:10:53,759
Speaker 2: doing it. I haven't been doing it for four months,

1457
01:10:53,760 --> 01:10:55,080
Speaker 2: and I just messed up and he's like, what do

1458
01:10:55,120 --> 01:10:57,000
Speaker 2: you mean you haven't been doing it for four months?

1459
01:10:57,040 --> 01:10:59,320
Speaker 2: And so I realized, and we use this language with

1460
01:10:59,360 --> 01:11:02,120
Speaker 2: each other's like, I understand that your mental map of

1461
01:11:02,160 --> 01:11:05,960
Speaker 2: me hasn't quite updated yet, and so it's going to

1462
01:11:06,000 --> 01:11:08,879
Speaker 2: take time for his mental map of me to update.

1463
01:11:08,920 --> 01:11:11,160
Speaker 2: It's kind of a way of saying you may not

1464
01:11:11,280 --> 01:11:14,800
Speaker 2: have noticed, but I understand why, Yes, because I think

1465
01:11:14,840 --> 01:11:16,760
Speaker 2: that's also on the other side, we blame that. I

1466
01:11:16,760 --> 01:11:19,160
Speaker 2: can't believe ever noticed you said that you wanted me

1467
01:11:19,200 --> 01:11:20,960
Speaker 2: to do the dishes. I've been doing the bloody dishes

1468
01:11:20,960 --> 01:11:23,120
Speaker 2: for two weeks and you haven't even noticed. Now we

1469
01:11:23,120 --> 01:11:24,439
Speaker 2: get annoyed and we just give up.

1470
01:11:24,680 --> 01:11:27,519
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely is so right, And it's all about your

1471
01:11:27,560 --> 01:11:31,080
Speaker 1: level of tolerance and patience, and you being really clear

1472
01:11:31,120 --> 01:11:35,000
Speaker 1: about your timelines helps them be clear about theirs. If

1473
01:11:35,040 --> 01:11:39,200
Speaker 1: you say, hey, I'm willing to give this six months,

1474
01:11:39,720 --> 01:11:42,519
Speaker 1: I'm willing to give this twelve months. Let me put

1475
01:11:42,560 --> 01:11:44,960
Speaker 1: a tounline on it for me, that's how much I'm

1476
01:11:44,960 --> 01:11:49,280
Speaker 1: willing to be in this uncertainty to figure this out

1477
01:11:49,680 --> 01:11:52,439
Speaker 1: with you, however you want me to help you, however

1478
01:11:52,479 --> 01:11:55,280
Speaker 1: you want to open up about it. But at that point,

1479
01:11:55,280 --> 01:11:57,880
Speaker 1: I have to make a decision for my future. And

1480
01:11:58,000 --> 01:11:59,800
Speaker 1: now you're not putting pressure on them, saying you have

1481
01:11:59,840 --> 01:12:02,680
Speaker 1: to solved your problem. You're saying that how much time

1482
01:12:02,720 --> 01:12:05,680
Speaker 1: I'm giving myself? And I think that's what we're looking for,

1483
01:12:05,720 --> 01:12:08,519
Speaker 1: but we're looking for it from them, and that person's

1484
01:12:08,560 --> 01:12:09,719
Speaker 1: not going to give you any clarity.

1485
01:12:10,120 --> 01:12:10,720
Speaker 3: That's so good.

1486
01:12:10,920 --> 01:12:13,240
Speaker 2: Do you think a couple can recover from infidelity?

1487
01:12:14,800 --> 01:12:18,280
Speaker 3: Yes and no. So two things.

1488
01:12:19,320 --> 01:12:26,840
Speaker 1: The first is your tolerance of the memories, betrayal and pain.

1489
01:12:28,320 --> 01:12:33,200
Speaker 1: The question isn't can you recover? The question is are

1490
01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:37,639
Speaker 1: you okay with remembering? The question isn't can you recover?

1491
01:12:38,479 --> 01:12:41,400
Speaker 1: The question is can you make sure not to remind them?

1492
01:12:42,439 --> 01:12:45,120
Speaker 1: The question isn't can you not recover? The question is

1493
01:12:46,080 --> 01:12:50,280
Speaker 1: how do I stop myself from making that our reality?

1494
01:12:51,640 --> 01:12:56,040
Speaker 1: You can always recover if you make those choices. And

1495
01:12:56,080 --> 01:12:59,799
Speaker 1: again it comes back down to the person who didn't

1496
01:12:59,840 --> 01:13:05,639
Speaker 1: do the cheating or didn't do the mistake, because it's

1497
01:13:05,760 --> 01:13:08,479
Speaker 1: you who actually have to live with it. And the

1498
01:13:08,520 --> 01:13:11,400
Speaker 1: same is true for that person. Can they live in

1499
01:13:11,439 --> 01:13:15,160
Speaker 1: a relationship where they always feel a sense of shame?

1500
01:13:16,000 --> 01:13:19,839
Speaker 1: Are they willing to rise even with the sense of guilt?

1501
01:13:20,360 --> 01:13:24,040
Speaker 1: Are they willing to try and change even though they

1502
01:13:24,120 --> 01:13:26,160
Speaker 1: carry that pain because they have a pain as well.

1503
01:13:26,960 --> 01:13:31,960
Speaker 1: And so it's such a together but independent thing because

1504
01:13:31,960 --> 01:13:35,400
Speaker 1: you're both having to tolerate and be patient about the

1505
01:13:35,400 --> 01:13:38,880
Speaker 1: same stuff, but on different ends of the spectrum. One

1506
01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:42,559
Speaker 1: person's feeling shame and guilt and the other person's feeling

1507
01:13:42,640 --> 01:13:49,600
Speaker 1: pain and stress and a sense of worthlessness potentially for

1508
01:13:49,680 --> 01:13:52,080
Speaker 1: someone if it's in that deep and it's all about

1509
01:13:52,120 --> 01:13:54,680
Speaker 1: how long we can tolerate those things for and move on.

1510
01:13:55,680 --> 01:13:59,840
Speaker 1: And that's not easy for both and especially not for

1511
01:13:59,880 --> 01:14:02,479
Speaker 1: them person who actually was on the receiving end of it.

1512
01:14:02,960 --> 01:14:04,479
Speaker 1: But that's what's required of it.

1513
01:14:04,760 --> 01:14:06,880
Speaker 2: And where do you think people go wrong? Because there's

1514
01:14:06,880 --> 01:14:09,439
Speaker 2: two types of people. The person that leaves immediately get that,

1515
01:14:09,760 --> 01:14:12,000
Speaker 2: and the person that stays in or just like keeps

1516
01:14:12,040 --> 01:14:12,639
Speaker 2: forgiving them.

1517
01:14:13,040 --> 01:14:16,920
Speaker 1: So I think there's mistakes on both sides. So the

1518
01:14:16,960 --> 01:14:19,160
Speaker 1: mistake on the person who is on the receiving end

1519
01:14:19,800 --> 01:14:22,559
Speaker 1: is you now need to do more to make me

1520
01:14:22,640 --> 01:14:27,000
Speaker 1: feel more secure. But I'm not going to do the

1521
01:14:27,080 --> 01:14:29,280
Speaker 1: work of trying to be more tolerant and patience with

1522
01:14:29,320 --> 01:14:30,280
Speaker 1: what I remember.

1523
01:14:30,400 --> 01:14:32,639
Speaker 2: So you have to make sure that you're always showing

1524
01:14:32,680 --> 01:14:35,320
Speaker 2: me love, always showing me with affections, that I never

1525
01:14:35,400 --> 01:14:37,160
Speaker 2: have to deal with the emotion of the hurt that

1526
01:14:37,160 --> 01:14:37,759
Speaker 2: you've caused.

1527
01:14:37,800 --> 01:14:40,600
Speaker 1: Correct, But that person could do all of that, and

1528
01:14:40,680 --> 01:14:44,120
Speaker 1: if you don't process it, you still will feel that way.

1529
01:14:44,240 --> 01:14:46,120
Speaker 1: Now I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm just saying

1530
01:14:46,160 --> 01:14:48,599
Speaker 1: that's the reality. If you wanted to recover it isn't

1531
01:14:48,640 --> 01:14:50,800
Speaker 1: your fault. This is not your fault. Like, we have

1532
01:14:50,840 --> 01:14:52,719
Speaker 1: to just be really clear about it. It's not your fault.

1533
01:14:52,720 --> 01:14:55,519
Speaker 1: It doesn't it shouldn't have got there. But that person

1534
01:14:55,560 --> 01:14:58,600
Speaker 1: could do everything right from now on, and this relationship

1535
01:14:58,600 --> 01:15:00,760
Speaker 1: could still go wrong because you in process what you

1536
01:15:00,760 --> 01:15:01,479
Speaker 1: had to process.

1537
01:15:01,600 --> 01:15:03,080
Speaker 3: So on your part, that's the mistake.

1538
01:15:03,760 --> 01:15:05,960
Speaker 1: On the other person's part, of the mistake happens is

1539
01:15:06,080 --> 01:15:11,080
Speaker 1: either they're overcompensating in really inauthentic ways or they feel

1540
01:15:11,120 --> 01:15:13,760
Speaker 1: so guilt and shamed by it that they now bring

1541
01:15:13,800 --> 01:15:15,240
Speaker 1: it up in every argument and go, oh, but you're

1542
01:15:15,240 --> 01:15:17,320
Speaker 1: always going to play that card. Oh, we don't play

1543
01:15:17,360 --> 01:15:19,120
Speaker 1: that card, like oh no, no, you're not allowed to

1544
01:15:19,200 --> 01:15:21,639
Speaker 1: use that card this time. And now they start building

1545
01:15:21,720 --> 01:15:23,960
Speaker 1: rules about when and where it's used, and you're like,

1546
01:15:23,960 --> 01:15:26,240
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I'm the one who is on the

1547
01:15:26,280 --> 01:15:28,519
Speaker 1: receiving end of that. I get to decide where when

1548
01:15:28,560 --> 01:15:30,800
Speaker 1: I talk about it. And so you haven't come to

1549
01:15:30,840 --> 01:15:35,599
Speaker 1: an agreement together about the vocabulary, the language, the connection

1550
01:15:35,800 --> 01:15:39,760
Speaker 1: of how is this discussed? Where does it land? At

1551
01:15:39,760 --> 01:15:43,200
Speaker 1: what point are we complete through the healing process? At

1552
01:15:43,200 --> 01:15:45,679
Speaker 1: what point am I comfortable to not talk about it again?

1553
01:15:46,200 --> 01:15:47,559
Speaker 1: At what point am I going to bring it up?

1554
01:15:47,600 --> 01:15:50,120
Speaker 1: And you can't rush me on that. That's the conversation

1555
01:15:50,200 --> 01:15:52,240
Speaker 1: that needs to be happening, not the conversation of have

1556
01:15:52,320 --> 01:15:53,280
Speaker 1: you forgiven me yet?

1557
01:15:54,200 --> 01:15:55,160
Speaker 3: That's not the conversation.

1558
01:15:55,240 --> 01:15:58,320
Speaker 1: The conversation is we may have to let this heal

1559
01:15:58,360 --> 01:16:00,960
Speaker 1: and talk about this for twelve months, whereas it's not like, Okay,

1560
01:16:00,960 --> 01:16:01,479
Speaker 1: have you forgiven me?

1561
01:16:01,560 --> 01:16:02,960
Speaker 3: It's been a week? Have you forgiven me it's been

1562
01:16:02,960 --> 01:16:05,320
Speaker 3: a year? Have you forgive no? No, no? What do

1563
01:16:05,360 --> 01:16:07,760
Speaker 3: we actually need to talk about. Let's let's focus on.

1564
01:16:07,760 --> 01:16:10,360
Speaker 1: That, not the end point. We're all focused on the end,

1565
01:16:10,400 --> 01:16:12,439
Speaker 1: like when will you forgive me? I don't know. When

1566
01:16:12,479 --> 01:16:13,320
Speaker 1: will you forget about it?

1567
01:16:13,360 --> 01:16:13,880
Speaker 3: I don't know.

1568
01:16:14,600 --> 01:16:18,280
Speaker 1: So let's not talk about deadlines. Let's talk about what

1569
01:16:18,400 --> 01:16:22,360
Speaker 1: this relationship looks like. What the vocabulary around this conversation is,

1570
01:16:22,640 --> 01:16:24,960
Speaker 1: When should we bring it up, how should we raise it?

1571
01:16:25,040 --> 01:16:27,800
Speaker 1: Are we going to do therapy together? That's the conversations

1572
01:16:27,840 --> 01:16:29,640
Speaker 1: we want to be having if we both want this

1573
01:16:29,720 --> 01:16:32,320
Speaker 1: to work, and that's the critical starting point. Do we

1574
01:16:32,360 --> 01:16:34,040
Speaker 1: both want this to work? I think sometimes the person

1575
01:16:34,040 --> 01:16:36,240
Speaker 1: who's forgiving thinks, I'm gonna forgive you, this is going

1576
01:16:36,280 --> 01:16:39,400
Speaker 1: to work out. Ah, you made a decision on your own,

1577
01:16:40,320 --> 01:16:42,559
Speaker 1: but that person didn't have to do anything. You just said, Oh,

1578
01:16:42,560 --> 01:16:44,400
Speaker 1: I forgive you. Let's let's just move on. It's okay.

1579
01:16:44,880 --> 01:16:47,120
Speaker 1: But that person didn't get to take part in that decision.

1580
01:16:47,439 --> 01:16:48,920
Speaker 1: You don't even know if they want to be there.

1581
01:16:49,200 --> 01:16:51,680
Speaker 1: You don't even know if they want forgiveness or what

1582
01:16:51,680 --> 01:16:54,519
Speaker 1: that forgiveness looks like to them. So now you could

1583
01:16:54,560 --> 01:16:56,439
Speaker 1: be forgiving someone who's happy to continue to make that

1584
01:16:56,600 --> 01:17:00,080
Speaker 1: mistake because you never got their buy in on that decision.

1585
01:16:59,680 --> 01:17:01,760
Speaker 3: You just made. So you made it easier because you're like,

1586
01:17:01,760 --> 01:17:02,599
Speaker 3: I solved it. It's fit.

1587
01:17:02,680 --> 01:17:05,679
Speaker 1: I've forgiven it, let's move on, But you haven't because

1588
01:17:05,680 --> 01:17:06,599
Speaker 1: you don't know where they stand.

1589
01:17:07,280 --> 01:17:10,720
Speaker 2: Most times, I assume they're going to fake it or

1590
01:17:10,800 --> 01:17:12,679
Speaker 2: say no, no, no, I'm never going to do it again,

1591
01:17:12,760 --> 01:17:15,880
Speaker 2: and maybe in that moment they really believe it. But

1592
01:17:15,960 --> 01:17:18,439
Speaker 2: the deep work that you're really kind of breaking down,

1593
01:17:18,479 --> 01:17:21,320
Speaker 2: I think really brings everything to the surface. So there's

1594
01:17:21,320 --> 01:17:24,840
Speaker 2: nowhere to hide and there's no miscommunication. And I'm going

1595
01:17:24,920 --> 01:17:26,920
Speaker 2: to go back to I love that you're always saying,

1596
01:17:27,000 --> 01:17:30,879
Speaker 2: like the personal ownership part of it, because you couldn't

1597
01:17:30,880 --> 01:17:34,440
Speaker 2: control that they cheated on you, right, that's just freaking heartbreaking.

1598
01:17:34,920 --> 01:17:37,479
Speaker 2: But to be able to control how you navigate it

1599
01:17:37,560 --> 01:17:40,759
Speaker 2: afterwards instead of waiting for them to show you, instead

1600
01:17:40,760 --> 01:17:43,360
Speaker 2: of waiting for them to say they're sorry. So many times,

1601
01:17:43,800 --> 01:17:45,720
Speaker 2: I love that it's so important.

1602
01:17:45,320 --> 01:17:45,880
Speaker 3: You control it.

1603
01:17:45,960 --> 01:17:47,840
Speaker 1: You have the power, like, don't don't live in a

1604
01:17:47,880 --> 01:17:49,759
Speaker 1: world where you're giving them power again.

1605
01:17:49,960 --> 01:17:53,439
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, So this whole talk is really about building

1606
01:17:53,439 --> 01:17:57,200
Speaker 2: yourself worth, putting the validation on yourself, not expecting it

1607
01:17:57,240 --> 01:17:59,519
Speaker 2: for others. What are like five daily habits that you

1608
01:17:59,520 --> 01:18:02,800
Speaker 2: actually suggest that somebody does in order to build this

1609
01:18:02,920 --> 01:18:05,040
Speaker 2: self worth and make sure that they never sell in

1610
01:18:05,040 --> 01:18:06,599
Speaker 2: a relationship that isn't right for them.

1611
01:18:06,760 --> 01:18:07,040
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1612
01:18:07,640 --> 01:18:10,200
Speaker 1: The first habit for self worth, i'd say, is take

1613
01:18:10,280 --> 01:18:13,799
Speaker 1: on a daily or weekly challenge. Take on a challenge

1614
01:18:13,800 --> 01:18:18,519
Speaker 1: that you set yourself. That you set the challenge, the limit,

1615
01:18:18,880 --> 01:18:21,920
Speaker 1: the time limit, how hard it is, the difficulty level,

1616
01:18:22,280 --> 01:18:25,320
Speaker 1: whether it's learning a new language, whether it's a new workout,

1617
01:18:25,600 --> 01:18:29,320
Speaker 1: whether it's a new sport, and your self worth will

1618
01:18:29,360 --> 01:18:32,800
Speaker 1: grow every time you accomplish a new level. Your Self

1619
01:18:32,840 --> 01:18:34,840
Speaker 1: worth grows when you do hard things, when you do

1620
01:18:34,920 --> 01:18:37,719
Speaker 1: uncomfortable things, when you do difficult things on your own

1621
01:18:38,080 --> 01:18:40,160
Speaker 1: and you see that you can do it right. When

1622
01:18:40,200 --> 01:18:42,639
Speaker 1: you see yourself lifting that much more in the gym,

1623
01:18:42,800 --> 01:18:45,640
Speaker 1: when you see yourself be feeling that much stronger, all

1624
01:18:45,640 --> 01:18:47,559
Speaker 1: of a sudden, your self worth grows because you get

1625
01:18:47,800 --> 01:18:50,040
Speaker 1: belief that I can do this right, this is possible

1626
01:18:50,080 --> 01:18:55,680
Speaker 1: for me. Another way you grow self worth is undoing

1627
01:18:56,000 --> 01:19:01,519
Speaker 1: and unwiring the trauma and the patterns that hold you

1628
01:19:01,560 --> 01:19:04,479
Speaker 1: back from the past. Now, what is a daily habit?

1629
01:19:04,520 --> 01:19:06,360
Speaker 3: How do you do that? As a daily habit.

1630
01:19:07,400 --> 01:19:10,360
Speaker 1: What you want to do is find one thing that

1631
01:19:10,439 --> 01:19:14,360
Speaker 1: you repeat that your parents did that you don't love.

1632
01:19:14,840 --> 01:19:18,080
Speaker 1: Just find one thing and what you want to do,

1633
01:19:18,600 --> 01:19:21,400
Speaker 1: is you want to be conscious of that one trigger

1634
01:19:21,400 --> 01:19:24,200
Speaker 1: and how it shows up in your life every day.

1635
01:19:25,080 --> 01:19:27,479
Speaker 1: You're not guilting yourself, you're not judging yourself. You're becoming

1636
01:19:27,560 --> 01:19:30,720
Speaker 1: aware of it so you can spot it and transform it.

1637
01:19:31,360 --> 01:19:33,800
Speaker 1: So for me, I'll give you an example. I found

1638
01:19:33,800 --> 01:19:37,720
Speaker 1: that a lot of my early caregivers overloved me, but

1639
01:19:37,760 --> 01:19:41,519
Speaker 1: then guilted me for not overloving them back. So they

1640
01:19:41,560 --> 01:19:44,160
Speaker 1: gave me lots of love, but then if I didn't

1641
01:19:44,160 --> 01:19:46,160
Speaker 1: give them back at the same level of love, they'd say,

1642
01:19:46,200 --> 01:19:48,840
Speaker 1: you don't love me. And I found myself doing that

1643
01:19:48,880 --> 01:19:51,920
Speaker 1: to RADI. I found myself doing that to my friends.

1644
01:19:51,960 --> 01:19:53,839
Speaker 1: I found myself doing that to people in my life.

1645
01:19:53,920 --> 01:19:56,720
Speaker 1: I'd overlove them and then guilt them for not loving me.

1646
01:19:56,760 --> 01:20:00,679
Speaker 1: So I found one thing, and I realized that guilting

1647
01:20:00,760 --> 01:20:03,639
Speaker 1: my wife didn't make her love me more and pushed

1648
01:20:03,640 --> 01:20:08,880
Speaker 1: her away. Guilting my wife made her feel that I

1649
01:20:08,880 --> 01:20:11,120
Speaker 1: didn't love her because I would treat her that way.

1650
01:20:12,200 --> 01:20:14,960
Speaker 1: And all I did for one year was I was

1651
01:20:15,040 --> 01:20:17,559
Speaker 1: aware of that every day, and every time I thought

1652
01:20:17,600 --> 01:20:20,799
Speaker 1: about guilting her, I would remind myself of how guilt

1653
01:20:20,920 --> 01:20:21,880
Speaker 1: didn't make me love.

1654
01:20:21,760 --> 01:20:22,519
Speaker 3: That person more.

1655
01:20:22,880 --> 01:20:26,519
Speaker 1: It pushed me away, and so that technique that I'd

1656
01:20:26,520 --> 01:20:30,920
Speaker 1: subconsciously picked up was actually breaking what I wanted. It

1657
01:20:30,960 --> 01:20:33,360
Speaker 1: wasn't actually getting me where I wanted. So become aware

1658
01:20:33,400 --> 01:20:35,920
Speaker 1: of just one pattern, get into the details of it

1659
01:20:36,000 --> 01:20:40,120
Speaker 1: like that. The third habit for self worth, i'd say,

1660
01:20:41,080 --> 01:20:46,160
Speaker 1: is ask people that you love and trust what you're

1661
01:20:46,200 --> 01:20:48,360
Speaker 1: really good at and what they noticed in you that

1662
01:20:48,400 --> 01:20:52,000
Speaker 1: they appreciate, because you'll find that often they'll say things

1663
01:20:52,200 --> 01:20:55,439
Speaker 1: that you've never even thought of. Ask them, what do

1664
01:20:55,479 --> 01:20:57,080
Speaker 1: I do really really well? What skill do I have?

1665
01:20:57,120 --> 01:20:58,320
Speaker 1: What do you appreciate you about me? What do you

1666
01:20:58,360 --> 01:21:00,000
Speaker 1: see about me? And these are people you love and trust,

1667
01:21:00,080 --> 01:21:02,600
Speaker 1: so it's not an uncomfortable conversation to have. Just be like,

1668
01:21:02,680 --> 01:21:05,800
Speaker 1: I'm doing a self worth exercise. I'm trying to learn

1669
01:21:05,800 --> 01:21:08,320
Speaker 1: more about myself. And one of the things Jane Lisa

1670
01:21:08,360 --> 01:21:10,559
Speaker 1: told me to do was to ask people that I

1671
01:21:10,600 --> 01:21:13,280
Speaker 1: love and trust what skills I have, what qualities I have,

1672
01:21:13,320 --> 01:21:13,960
Speaker 1: what they really.

1673
01:21:13,840 --> 01:21:16,400
Speaker 3: Admire about me? What I'm good at right, what I appreciate.

1674
01:21:17,640 --> 01:21:20,120
Speaker 1: Fourth step with the people that you're really close to

1675
01:21:20,960 --> 01:21:22,680
Speaker 1: be okay with asking what do I need to work

1676
01:21:22,720 --> 01:21:26,040
Speaker 1: on and work on that that will build self worth.

1677
01:21:26,200 --> 01:21:29,200
Speaker 1: Self worth isn't just about pumping yourself up. It's about

1678
01:21:29,240 --> 01:21:32,759
Speaker 1: noticing what's letting people down and building it and growing

1679
01:21:32,800 --> 01:21:34,800
Speaker 1: it and working on that. Not to become a people

1680
01:21:34,840 --> 01:21:36,760
Speaker 1: pleaser or to make it up to them to say, look,

1681
01:21:36,800 --> 01:21:39,560
Speaker 1: I've changed now, but to say, oh, I've identified that

1682
01:21:39,600 --> 01:21:42,479
Speaker 1: I can work on that. I'm confident working on it.

1683
01:21:42,600 --> 01:21:46,040
Speaker 1: Self worth is not being confident about what you're great at.

1684
01:21:46,520 --> 01:21:49,200
Speaker 1: It's being confident enough to accept that there are things

1685
01:21:49,280 --> 01:21:51,880
Speaker 1: you're bad at and working on them. That's what self

1686
01:21:51,880 --> 01:21:55,240
Speaker 1: worth is. I think we've painted self worth to be

1687
01:21:55,320 --> 01:21:59,800
Speaker 1: all about the light, the positive, the good. Self worth

1688
01:21:59,880 --> 01:22:03,200
Speaker 1: is being able to move in the shadows, to go

1689
01:22:03,320 --> 01:22:06,320
Speaker 1: into the cave of your darkness, the negativity, the bad,

1690
01:22:06,520 --> 01:22:09,559
Speaker 1: and feel comfortable in that and reconcile the two. That's

1691
01:22:09,600 --> 01:22:12,960
Speaker 1: what self worth's about. And the fifth and final one,

1692
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:20,120
Speaker 1: i'd say is program your thoughts when you wake up

1693
01:22:20,760 --> 01:22:23,880
Speaker 1: and when you go to bed. There's something that I

1694
01:22:23,960 --> 01:22:27,720
Speaker 1: learned from a guest of mine called Raoul Johndiel, and

1695
01:22:27,800 --> 01:22:33,280
Speaker 1: he's a surgeon and a dreams expert, and he was

1696
01:22:33,320 --> 01:22:36,280
Speaker 1: talking about this idea of something called sleep entry and

1697
01:22:36,360 --> 01:22:40,479
Speaker 1: sleep exit, and so sleep entry is this idea of

1698
01:22:40,520 --> 01:22:43,479
Speaker 1: when you're just about to fall asleep, and sleep exit

1699
01:22:43,640 --> 01:22:46,400
Speaker 1: is almost when you're just about to wake up. And

1700
01:22:46,520 --> 01:22:49,639
Speaker 1: those moments are the moments where you can remember your dreams,

1701
01:22:49,760 --> 01:22:51,639
Speaker 1: you can program your subconscious thoughts.

1702
01:22:52,200 --> 01:22:52,720
Speaker 3: You're in that.

1703
01:22:52,800 --> 01:22:54,880
Speaker 1: Kind of mid state if you're not fully awaken, you're

1704
01:22:54,880 --> 01:22:55,559
Speaker 1: not fully asleep.

1705
01:22:55,600 --> 01:22:56,920
Speaker 3: It's a really interesting space to be.

1706
01:22:57,720 --> 01:23:02,640
Speaker 1: And I would encourage everyone to hold and program the

1707
01:23:02,720 --> 01:23:05,840
Speaker 1: thought that they want to have in those moments. So,

1708
01:23:05,880 --> 01:23:07,680
Speaker 1: if you think about it, you set an alarm the

1709
01:23:07,800 --> 01:23:10,920
Speaker 1: night before you wake up so that you can wake

1710
01:23:10,960 --> 01:23:13,360
Speaker 1: up in the morning. You don't set an alarm the

1711
01:23:13,400 --> 01:23:15,240
Speaker 1: minute you wake up. It doesn't make sense, you would

1712
01:23:15,240 --> 01:23:18,320
Speaker 1: never do that. So you have to code and program

1713
01:23:18,360 --> 01:23:20,840
Speaker 1: the thought you wake up with the night before.

1714
01:23:21,120 --> 01:23:21,599
Speaker 2: So small.

1715
01:23:21,680 --> 01:23:23,679
Speaker 1: So when I'm going to sleep, what is the thought

1716
01:23:23,680 --> 01:23:29,280
Speaker 1: I want to wake up with? I am energized, healthy, rested, rejuvenated,

1717
01:23:29,760 --> 01:23:33,360
Speaker 1: I am whatever it is. Program that thought the night before,

1718
01:23:34,080 --> 01:23:37,160
Speaker 1: wake up with that thought, and again choose that thought.

1719
01:23:37,200 --> 01:23:39,200
Speaker 1: So there are sixty to eighty thousand thoughts we have

1720
01:23:39,280 --> 01:23:42,400
Speaker 1: per day. Study show we have eighty percent negative, eighty

1721
01:23:42,439 --> 01:23:45,240
Speaker 1: percent repetitive thoughts so most of us are saying the

1722
01:23:45,240 --> 01:23:47,600
Speaker 1: same things to ourselves again and again. We wake up

1723
01:23:47,600 --> 01:23:50,360
Speaker 1: in the morning, I look tired, wake up in the morning.

1724
01:23:50,479 --> 01:23:52,280
Speaker 1: Or there's a spot on my face. Wake up in

1725
01:23:52,320 --> 01:23:54,759
Speaker 1: the morning. I've put on way wake up in the morning.

1726
01:23:54,800 --> 01:23:56,519
Speaker 1: You know, whatever it is, we're just saying negative things

1727
01:23:56,560 --> 01:23:58,479
Speaker 1: to ourselves. And guess what, you said the same things

1728
01:23:58,479 --> 01:24:02,080
Speaker 1: to yourself every day for years. That's what leads to burnout.

1729
01:24:02,400 --> 01:24:05,880
Speaker 1: Let's take ownership of that thought and every day plant

1730
01:24:05,880 --> 01:24:07,280
Speaker 1: the seed of the thought that you want to wake

1731
01:24:07,360 --> 01:24:09,160
Speaker 1: up with and that you want to sleep with, whatever

1732
01:24:09,200 --> 01:24:11,800
Speaker 1: it may be, whatever you're manifesting, whatever you're growing in

1733
01:24:11,840 --> 01:24:15,640
Speaker 1: your life. Because you already say the same things to

1734
01:24:15,680 --> 01:24:18,040
Speaker 1: yourself every day, So why not say things to yourself

1735
01:24:18,080 --> 01:24:19,559
Speaker 1: that you actually want to say.

1736
01:24:19,880 --> 01:24:23,000
Speaker 2: That's so good programming. How you want to wake up?

1737
01:24:23,400 --> 01:24:25,519
Speaker 2: How do you make sure that as you're falling asleep,

1738
01:24:25,560 --> 01:24:27,479
Speaker 2: you're not falling asleep with a negative thought? Because there's

1739
01:24:27,479 --> 01:24:29,200
Speaker 2: actually one of the interviews that I saw you I

1740
01:24:29,200 --> 01:24:30,760
Speaker 2: can't remember, it might have been with you and Rady

1741
01:24:31,240 --> 01:24:34,760
Speaker 2: where you said that when most of us are so

1742
01:24:35,120 --> 01:24:37,680
Speaker 2: busy all day that we don't give our brains to

1743
01:24:37,760 --> 01:24:40,160
Speaker 2: rest we go, go, go, and the only time we

1744
01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:42,120
Speaker 2: have a moment of rest is right before we go

1745
01:24:42,160 --> 01:24:44,320
Speaker 2: to bed, which is why all the negative thoughts come

1746
01:24:44,479 --> 01:24:47,800
Speaker 2: flooding to us right when we close our eyes. Yes,

1747
01:24:48,240 --> 01:24:51,120
Speaker 2: so what do you do to make sure the negative

1748
01:24:51,880 --> 01:24:54,120
Speaker 2: flooding doesn't come right before you go to bed?

1749
01:24:54,960 --> 01:24:57,960
Speaker 1: First of all, write down all of the negative thoughts

1750
01:24:58,000 --> 01:24:59,760
Speaker 1: and everything that's going on and everything you're thinking about

1751
01:25:00,040 --> 01:25:02,920
Speaker 1: in a book, a journal outside of your bedroom. Don't

1752
01:25:02,920 --> 01:25:04,320
Speaker 1: do it in bed. A lot of people sit in

1753
01:25:04,360 --> 01:25:06,920
Speaker 1: bed and start writing. Well, now the energy of your

1754
01:25:06,920 --> 01:25:09,639
Speaker 1: bed is heavy with all of the things you just wrote.

1755
01:25:09,760 --> 01:25:11,560
Speaker 1: Write about in another room. Leave it there, Put it

1756
01:25:11,640 --> 01:25:13,240
Speaker 1: on your phone, leave it there on a note, sapp

1757
01:25:13,320 --> 01:25:16,519
Speaker 1: But do it in another room when you get into bed. Either,

1758
01:25:16,760 --> 01:25:19,200
Speaker 1: listen to your voice repeating the words that you want

1759
01:25:19,200 --> 01:25:21,240
Speaker 1: in your head, so that you now start listening and

1760
01:25:21,280 --> 01:25:23,479
Speaker 1: trusting your own in a voice and having trust in

1761
01:25:23,479 --> 01:25:24,040
Speaker 1: your intuition.

1762
01:25:24,600 --> 01:25:25,519
Speaker 3: Read it again and again.

1763
01:25:25,520 --> 01:25:26,920
Speaker 1: If you don't like the sound of your voice and

1764
01:25:26,920 --> 01:25:29,080
Speaker 1: you think it's cringe, actually, then you should listen to

1765
01:25:29,080 --> 01:25:29,679
Speaker 1: it even more.

1766
01:25:29,520 --> 01:25:33,240
Speaker 3: So that you realize your voice. Yeah, prey, Read it again.

1767
01:25:33,040 --> 01:25:35,120
Speaker 1: And again and again off a piece of paper as

1768
01:25:35,200 --> 01:25:37,760
Speaker 1: it becomes your main thought, because it's all a repetition,

1769
01:25:38,439 --> 01:25:40,479
Speaker 1: and see how it feels in your body. So I

1770
01:25:40,520 --> 01:25:42,719
Speaker 1: always say, when you're repeating a phrase or a mantra,

1771
01:25:43,040 --> 01:25:45,120
Speaker 1: you have to believe it in your body. You have

1772
01:25:45,160 --> 01:25:46,920
Speaker 1: to mean it in your mind, and you have to

1773
01:25:46,960 --> 01:25:49,040
Speaker 1: feel it in your heart. So every time you say

1774
01:25:49,040 --> 01:25:51,160
Speaker 1: a statement, it's not just saying it, You're trying to

1775
01:25:51,160 --> 01:25:52,000
Speaker 1: believe it in your body.

1776
01:25:52,000 --> 01:25:55,080
Speaker 3: What does it feel like when I believe that's true

1777
01:25:55,160 --> 01:25:55,400
Speaker 3: for me?

1778
01:25:55,880 --> 01:25:58,759
Speaker 1: Like if I go to sleep believing I am waking

1779
01:25:58,840 --> 01:26:02,560
Speaker 1: up healthy, with juvenated and rested, I feel strong, I

1780
01:26:02,600 --> 01:26:04,800
Speaker 1: feel sturdy. I don't feel like this anymore if there's

1781
01:26:05,160 --> 01:26:07,360
Speaker 1: my body changes. If I'm going to mean it in

1782
01:26:07,400 --> 01:26:10,640
Speaker 1: my mind, I've got to focus on how powerful it

1783
01:26:10,720 --> 01:26:13,040
Speaker 1: is when I wake up with a really focused mindset.

1784
01:26:13,320 --> 01:26:14,840
Speaker 1: And finally, I've got a feel in my heart. I've

1785
01:26:14,840 --> 01:26:16,320
Speaker 1: got to feel what it feels like to live a

1786
01:26:16,400 --> 01:26:19,439
Speaker 1: day that starts off with health and abundance. When you

1787
01:26:19,479 --> 01:26:21,960
Speaker 1: can do it in that way reading or listening to

1788
01:26:22,000 --> 01:26:24,280
Speaker 1: your own voice, all of a sudden, it starts to

1789
01:26:24,320 --> 01:26:25,000
Speaker 1: become programmed.

1790
01:26:25,040 --> 01:26:27,719
Speaker 3: It's as simple as that. It's not complicated. That's so good.

1791
01:26:27,880 --> 01:26:30,080
Speaker 2: I'm actually going to start doing yeah, and.

1792
01:26:30,040 --> 01:26:33,160
Speaker 1: You whatever, whatever, affirmation, whatever, whatever you want to say.

1793
01:26:33,360 --> 01:26:35,120
Speaker 1: And it's not like some I always like to take

1794
01:26:35,160 --> 01:26:38,080
Speaker 1: away the mysticism of it. It's not magic. You're doing

1795
01:26:38,080 --> 01:26:41,880
Speaker 1: it anyway. You already tell yourself I sucked at work today.

1796
01:26:42,040 --> 01:26:45,160
Speaker 1: You're already telling yourself, Oh I didn't work out hard

1797
01:26:45,240 --> 01:26:45,759
Speaker 1: enough today.

1798
01:26:45,920 --> 01:26:47,200
Speaker 3: Oh I forgot to do this today.

1799
01:26:47,200 --> 01:26:50,120
Speaker 1: You're already doing it, so you're just replacing it with

1800
01:26:50,160 --> 01:26:52,439
Speaker 1: what you actually want to think that actually makes you better.

1801
01:26:52,880 --> 01:26:54,280
Speaker 3: You're It's not magic.

1802
01:26:56,400 --> 01:26:57,400
Speaker 2: I could talk to you forever.

1803
01:26:57,479 --> 01:26:57,640
Speaker 3: I know.

1804
01:26:57,840 --> 01:26:58,720
Speaker 2: I love it.

1805
01:26:58,720 --> 01:26:59,879
Speaker 3: It's such a great conversation.

1806
01:27:00,280 --> 01:27:03,400
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. You're going on tour, which is

1807
01:27:03,560 --> 01:27:06,120
Speaker 2: so exciting. Tell me about on tour. Where can people

1808
01:27:06,200 --> 01:27:07,200
Speaker 2: also buy tickets?

1809
01:27:07,680 --> 01:27:10,280
Speaker 1: Yes, I'm going on tour for the first time ever

1810
01:27:10,280 --> 01:27:14,320
Speaker 1: with the podcast, which i'd be interviewing special guests in

1811
01:27:14,520 --> 01:27:16,000
Speaker 1: fifteen cities across You.

1812
01:27:16,000 --> 01:27:19,240
Speaker 2: Have inspired me to you yes, to do it so much.

1813
01:27:19,280 --> 01:27:21,400
Speaker 1: I'm so excited about it because I know that there's

1814
01:27:21,400 --> 01:27:24,639
Speaker 1: people who listen to my podcast on purpose forget every week,

1815
01:27:24,680 --> 01:27:28,120
Speaker 1: every day, and I'm like, imagine being in the room

1816
01:27:28,439 --> 01:27:32,240
Speaker 1: with me and a special guest asking questions being present

1817
01:27:32,240 --> 01:27:35,120
Speaker 1: in the room. We're gonna have an interactive experience. Just

1818
01:27:35,240 --> 01:27:37,360
Speaker 1: the idea that you already tune in, why not coming

1819
01:27:37,400 --> 01:27:39,760
Speaker 1: and tune in person and so you can go to

1820
01:27:39,840 --> 01:27:42,960
Speaker 1: Jay Shetty dot me Forward slash Tour. So that's j

1821
01:27:43,120 --> 01:27:46,240
Speaker 1: Shelly dot me Forward slash Tour. And I can't wait

1822
01:27:46,240 --> 01:27:48,720
Speaker 1: to see everyone. I can't wait to just see the

1823
01:27:48,760 --> 01:27:51,040
Speaker 1: on purpose community that we built over the last six years.

1824
01:27:51,080 --> 01:27:54,080
Speaker 2: And it's so inspiring. And I love that you're trying

1825
01:27:54,080 --> 01:27:55,920
Speaker 2: new things. I love that people get to see you

1826
01:27:55,960 --> 01:27:58,920
Speaker 2: in person and they because you're in different cities as well,

1827
01:27:58,960 --> 01:28:01,960
Speaker 2: it allows other people if there in that city, they

1828
01:28:01,960 --> 01:28:06,240
Speaker 2: can go and watch you. That's so much And if

1829
01:28:06,280 --> 01:28:07,880
Speaker 2: anyone wants to just follow you in general.

1830
01:28:08,200 --> 01:28:15,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, Jay Sheddy across TikTok, Instagram, YouTube podcasts on Apple, Spotify,

1831
01:28:16,000 --> 01:28:18,160
Speaker 1: iHeart and all the all the apps.

1832
01:28:18,439 --> 01:28:20,519
Speaker 2: Yeah, anyway is only one Jay Sheddy.

1833
01:28:20,600 --> 01:28:23,040
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my

1834
01:28:23,160 --> 01:28:26,559
Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your

1835
01:28:26,600 --> 01:28:29,600
Speaker 1: ex and find true love in your relationships.

1836
01:28:29,760 --> 01:28:34,040
Speaker 3: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion

1837
01:28:34,160 --> 01:28:38,200
Speaker 3: to your future self because Truly extending your compassion to

1838
01:28:38,280 --> 01:28:41,280
Speaker 3: your future self is doing something that gives him or

1839
01:28:41,320 --> 01:28:43,679
Speaker 3: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.