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Speaker 1: My wife is crying and begging me not to divorce her.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't be happier.

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Speaker 2: Man, give me their secret. Tell me they're the secret

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Speaker 2: to this quality relationship we're about to hear, because I

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Speaker 2: want to apply it directly into my own life so

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Speaker 2: I could be a better lover.

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Speaker 1: Please. The book should be titled be titled Happiness watching

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Speaker 1: my wife cry for us to divorce.

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Speaker 2: It's like the Dalli Lama rites his own like, you know,

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Speaker 2: like the Dallai Lama wrote that book got Happy and

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Speaker 2: it's like, oh no, no, scratch that all out. It's really

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Speaker 2: about watching other people suffering throw.

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Speaker 1: It all away. Yeah. So I so, I forty five male,

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Speaker 1: and my wife forty four female, have been married for

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Speaker 1: ten years. We dated for six years before that, and

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Speaker 1: I got a lot of pressure to get married from

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Speaker 1: my parents, her parents, et cetera, et cetera. But something

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Speaker 1: in my gut said that it wasn't right. That's why

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Speaker 1: that's when you don't get married. You know, well some people,

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Speaker 1: but maybe you shouldn't get married if you're feeling something

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Speaker 1: ain't right. Maybe. But at the breaks, buddy yep, I

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Speaker 1: called it cold feet and did my best to ignore it,

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Speaker 1: and we ended up getting married.

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Speaker 2: Okay, there we go, But like, wait, six years, six

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Speaker 2: years a long time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, married for ten years, well up to this point,

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Speaker 1: six years of dating.

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Speaker 2: Like you should So it's six years of dating and

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Speaker 2: then another another ten years, sixteen years total together.

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Speaker 1: Wow, Like, bro, you should have you should have. If

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Speaker 1: this wasn't the right relationship, you'd have dipped. Way. It's

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Speaker 1: kind of on you a little bit at this point.

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Speaker 1: That's that's I don't know, dropping the comments. How you

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Speaker 1: feel bad At this point in the story, I'm kind

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Speaker 1: of like, oh, might feel you.

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Speaker 2: My dude, Yeah, dude, sixteen years, Like that's a long

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Speaker 2: that's a long time.

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Speaker 1: I mean, maybe people change. We'll see, we'll see, we'll

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Speaker 1: see what this pretty much the moment the ink was

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Speaker 1: dry on our marriage license, things went south. Oh god,

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Speaker 1: what happened On our honeymoon. She did nothing but complain

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Speaker 1: I hadn't booked a nicer hotel. That's awful. In the

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Speaker 1: following months, she wanted a new apartment, a new car, gifts, jewelry, handbags,

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Speaker 1: and on and on and on. It was never enough. Oh,

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Speaker 1: that's that's terrible. That's project. It's like the moment she

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Speaker 1: got the ring, it stopped being about me and became

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Speaker 1: about what I could give her. Oh goodness, gracious, she married.

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Speaker 1: She married a vending machine. So chanel bag, thank you, goodbye.

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Speaker 1: I hate you.

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Speaker 2: No, dude, it's I can't believe you. Like, but also

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Speaker 2: like she she held the charade for like six years.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's commitment to gold digging, if I might say

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Speaker 1: so myself, ten out of ten commitments. It's crazy that

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Speaker 1: it switched so suddenly. Like, but again, as we always say,

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Speaker 1: there had to be sides. Yeah, there had to be.

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Speaker 1: I can't imagine there wasn't. Yeah, Oh I get this.

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Speaker 1: I am a doctor. I make good money, but not

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Speaker 1: enough to support the kind of lifestyle she wants. Though.

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Speaker 1: If you, if you as a doctor, cannot give her

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Speaker 1: the life she wants, or like what she's asking for,

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Speaker 1: that's you're asking for to way too much. I am

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Speaker 1: so sorry. We don't make love anymore. We don't laugh,

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Speaker 1: we don't talk about anything at all but money. We

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Speaker 1: have no kids. Get this. She said she wanted them

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Speaker 1: before marriage, and then changed her mind afterwards. Oh dude,

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Speaker 1: you can't do that.

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Speaker 2: I feel like there's there's there, there's already so many. Oh,

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Speaker 2: but then she gets hattened it. Do she get half?

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Speaker 2: She gets half?

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Speaker 1: We'll see fall see, we'll see how this ends. She's

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Speaker 1: trying to get a bag. She maybe she's upgrading from

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Speaker 1: Chanelle to mountains of cash. We don't know. We don't

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Speaker 1: know the doctor bag. Dude, I feel so bad. So

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Speaker 1: our home looks like a showroom, but there's like no

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Speaker 1: but there's no warmth nor joke. There's no warmth or

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Speaker 1: joy or any comfort here. I hate it. I hate her.

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Speaker 1: I'm a forty five year old physician and I barely

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Speaker 1: have enough savings to sustain us for three months. That's bad.

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Speaker 1: B forty five year old, like doctor cannot doesn't have

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Speaker 1: enough money to make it past three months. Okay, but

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Speaker 1: good news. She can't take that much. Yes, there we go.

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Speaker 1: It's all stuff. Yeah, it's all stuff that he's bought

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Speaker 1: her that she probably owns. Well, maybe he gets half

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Speaker 1: of her handbag collection. Yeah, that's flout chainsawing Louis Louis bags. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And I want to retire someday. I want to enjoy

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Speaker 1: my life. He wants to like have some kind of

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Speaker 1: savings to retire right right now. It sounds like he

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Speaker 1: basically has no retirement. His retirement is three months.

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Speaker 2: Yes, retirement is the handbags he's gonna have to go

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Speaker 2: and offer upself.

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Speaker 1: No, he just like sleeps sleeps with them. Yeah, like

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Speaker 1: create creates like a little fort of designer handbags.

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Speaker 2: Crazy, It's like, it's not a box in the street,

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Speaker 2: it's a designer handbag for it. She takes the house tragic.

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Speaker 2: I rented a cool apartment across town in a less

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Speaker 2: desirable neighborhood, and there's a stack of our key and

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Speaker 2: there's a stack of Ikea furniture waiting for me set

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Speaker 2: up there.

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Speaker 1: Oh, this is his his setup. Wait so okay, yeah,

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Speaker 1: let me let me say that. Okay, so now he's

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Speaker 1: planning his escape.

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Speaker 2: No, okay, well yes, honestly, yes, please.

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Speaker 1: Right, I rented a cool apartment. I rented a cool

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Speaker 1: apartment across town in a less desirable neighborhood, and there's

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Speaker 1: a whole stack of Ikea furniture just waiting for me

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Speaker 1: to set it up there. So he's basically he's got

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Speaker 1: the place. He's got like all the furniture. He's getting

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Speaker 1: himself one hundred percent set up.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, leave, And also like sometimes I Kia furniture can

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Speaker 2: be pretty fun to build. It's like like sad old

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Speaker 2: people legos.

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Speaker 1: That's an incredible analogy. I don't like setting it up,

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Speaker 1: but I like how it like looks. Yeah, that's all.

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Speaker 1: I'm a simple man, you know. That's all I need.

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Speaker 2: Give him some Ikia, That's that's all. The Swiss apartment,

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Speaker 2: what does it know is Swedish? Swedish Swedish.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. How dare you? How dare you mistake them? The Swedes? Scoundrels. This,

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Speaker 1: this part is great and very strategic. The lease is

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Speaker 1: up on the Mercedes. My wife pushed me to lease

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Speaker 1: next month, so I will be replacing it with a

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Speaker 1: used Prius. Nice. This guy is smart. I'm straight.

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Speaker 2: Hey, what do you have against used priuses? What is

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Speaker 2: what does she have against I'm getting? I'm getting a Prius?

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Speaker 1: Oh you are today, new phone, new Prius. He's a

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Speaker 1: new man over Prius. It's my parents Prius. You buying

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Speaker 1: it from my parents? There we go, There we go.

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Speaker 1: H Well, congratulate early, congratulations sir.

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Speaker 2: I've never owned a car before, really, people of of

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Speaker 2: of okop, so this is my first time actually owning

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Speaker 2: a car.

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Speaker 1: Welcome, Welcome, to the Carland. You got to shout it

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Speaker 1: out to him. He's made it well technically his whole

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Speaker 1: life in La without a car. But like, let's let's

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Speaker 1: go like adult and up. You know, from from eighteen

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Speaker 1: to twenty six. Yeah, without a beautiful time. Impressive and

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Speaker 1: beautiful time. He has many blisters on his feet. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I did run barefoot the other day and I got

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Speaker 2: a ton of blisters.

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Speaker 1: Nice. But here we go. I'm starting therapy next week.

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Speaker 1: I have a divorce attorney who assured me that the

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Speaker 1: prenup we signed before the marriage means I won't have

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Speaker 1: to pay any alimony. Yo, yo, He's in the clear.

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Speaker 2: There we go, preenup for the win. There we go,

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Speaker 2: sign that prenup.

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Speaker 1: If you hate, no jump Yeah uh uh. And I hope.

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Speaker 1: I hope to leave the and I hope to pay.

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Speaker 1: I hope to leave the higher paying job my wife

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Speaker 1: insisted I take for something with less hours. Sometime in

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Speaker 1: the next year, I'm going to and oh man, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to ask out the pretty barista who flirts with

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Speaker 1: me every morning. Good God, this this this man is

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Speaker 1: creating a whole new light. Sheez uh.

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Speaker 2: I feel like this is a midlife crisis right here.

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Speaker 2: But like he's doing it in style. He's doing it

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Speaker 2: with class. Yeah, with Ikea for sure and baristas. Man

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Speaker 2: is going to have energy for days. Every morning, best coffee.

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Speaker 1: I'm telling my wife first thing tomorrow, tell you got

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Speaker 1: to tell me there's an update. You got there? God,

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Speaker 1: I'm expecting her to cry and beg we try therapy.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to do any of that. This was

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Speaker 1: never right, and I'm only sorry it took me so

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Speaker 1: long to realize facts facts. That was a long time,

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Speaker 1: really though, I'm sorry I've wasted so much of my

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Speaker 1: life being married to a woman because I thought it

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Speaker 1: was the right thing. I am so excited first day

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Speaker 1: of the rest of his life. That's right. But is

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Speaker 1: there an update? There is an updates? Oh my god,

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Speaker 1: thank god, dude. I'm was like going to freak out

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Speaker 1: if there was. First of all, a lot of people

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Speaker 1: asking for the update. So here it goes, I was.

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Speaker 1: I wanted that update. Usually when I wake up, I

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Speaker 1: go for a run or a bike ride. While I'm gone,

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Speaker 1: my wife gets up, gets dressed, gets a smoothie, going whatever.

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Speaker 1: This morning, I paced the kitchen, rehearsing over and over

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Speaker 1: what I had to tell.

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Speaker 2: Her, man's about to give like the Gettysburg address over here.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, years ago, I got married to some ass, and

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Speaker 1: now I I am leaving your dumb ass. Yes. When

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Speaker 1: she finally came down, I felt oddly calm. Wow. I

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Speaker 1: wasn't expecting to be panicked exactly, but apprehensive at least.

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Speaker 1: I told her I needed to speak to her. She

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Speaker 1: gave me a she gave me an uh huh, and

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Speaker 1: didn't look up from the coffee machine. That's when I

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Speaker 1: just came out with it. Oh god, I'm marrying your father.

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Speaker 1: That's another end of story, guys. I told her I

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Speaker 1: was leaving and I wanted a divorce, that we hadn't

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Speaker 1: been happy in a long time, and I felt it

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Speaker 1: was as though she didn't care about me or my

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Speaker 1: emotional needs. Pretty much instantly, the gas lighting begins. Oh god,

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Speaker 1: she cries. She cried that I never brought her flowers anymore,

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Speaker 1: and that I don't know enough to support her, and

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Speaker 1: then I don't care if she is happy. I brought

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Speaker 1: up the I brought up the fact that I suggested

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Speaker 1: therapy over a year ago, and she agreed, but then

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Speaker 1: kept making excuses not to go. I brought up the

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Speaker 1: times she completely ignored the budget we both worked on,

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Speaker 1: and I told her how it made me, and I

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Speaker 1: told her how it made me feel when she dismissed

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Speaker 1: me when I tried to tell her how I was feeling.

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Speaker 1: He gave her so many chances, her, so many sixteen

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Speaker 1: years of chances. Yeah. Sorry, it's sixteen years of chances.

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Speaker 1: It's you're done. I'm sorry. The crying. Her crying then escalated,

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Speaker 1: along with begging for me to give along with begging

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Speaker 1: me to give her a chance to make things right,

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Speaker 1: to go to therapy, that she would be better. But

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Speaker 1: she had the chance to go to therapy. She had

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Speaker 1: the chance. She had the chance. I don't think anything's

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Speaker 1: going to change. It went like I thought it would.

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Speaker 1: It went like I thought it would go. And I

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Speaker 1: feel absolutely nothing. Man, my man, dude, just cold blood

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Speaker 1: over him.

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Speaker 2: I love like how he also had all those examples

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Speaker 2: like in his back pocket, and he's like he he

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Speaker 2: knew she was gonna teddy gaslight or like him, and

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Speaker 2: he's like, oh what about this, what about this?

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Speaker 1: Oh what about the therapy? Huh literally huh. Man came

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Speaker 1: with receipts. Whatever I felt, whatever I This is pretty savage.

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Speaker 1: Whatever I once felt for her is just dead and gone.

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Speaker 1: She might as well have just been a second cousin

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Speaker 1: sobbing about her marriage for all the connection I felt

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Speaker 1: to her. Wow, man, he does not care. He's done

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Speaker 1: a robot. But I mean after sixteen years.

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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, I mean he's done for a while. And

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Speaker 2: also it's like I feel like he's already maybe processed

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Speaker 2: a little bit of it because like he's been planning

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Speaker 2: this shit, Like he's been planning this escape.

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Speaker 1: For a while. My man has a master plant.

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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, I feel like it's like a Shawshank redemption

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Speaker 2: plan to get out of freaking the prison that she's

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Speaker 2: created for him.

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Speaker 1: That is exactly what that is. By the way, like

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Speaker 1: you guys, let us let us know how you would

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Speaker 1: handle this, Like how do you escape a dead marriage

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Speaker 1: of sixteen years? Of sixteen years?

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Speaker 2: And also what are your opinions on prenups? Yes, there

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Speaker 2: we go, that's a spicy one.

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Speaker 1: Eventually got fed up and I just walked out because

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Speaker 1: I don't care about that meat sack that was me. Eventually,

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Speaker 1: I just know she had been blowing up my phone

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Speaker 1: with calls and texts, which range from angry, to begging

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Speaker 1: to threatening. I started getting calls from her mother and

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Speaker 1: mine too, and mine too. At the end of the day,

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Speaker 1: I spoke briefly with my mother and calmly explained that

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry she didn't hear it from me, but my

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Speaker 1: wife was sucking me dry financially and emotionally and I

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Speaker 1: couldn't do it but not physically but not physically wrong.

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Speaker 1: And my mother was surprisingly supportive. Really, I'm currently in

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Speaker 1: my new apartment. I unrolled my mattress in a box,

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Speaker 1: went to Walmart for the sheets, and I ate and

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Speaker 1: I got some tie takeout for dinner at the kitchen

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Speaker 1: counter and watched a little bit of Netflix on my computer.

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Speaker 1: I have everything I need for the next few days.

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Speaker 1: My wife is getting served tomorrow. Yo, but what about

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Speaker 1: the barista. What about the barista? He's gonna ask out?

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Speaker 1: You know, I want to I want the barista update. Well,

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Speaker 1: les a barista cut my own. You waited too long,

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Speaker 1: my friend? Yeah, sorry, Like that sucks. It's just that's

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Speaker 1: scenario sucks for you. But like one or two years

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Speaker 1: into marriage, like you're not You're not like, hey, this

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Speaker 1: needs to get better, or like I don't know what

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Speaker 1: to do, Like.

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Speaker 2: I think people, like a lot of people just don't

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Speaker 2: know how to communicate. Well, yeah, I.

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Speaker 1: Guess, yeah, I guess so. But man, and think about

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Speaker 1: about like six I mean, I guess probably ten years

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Speaker 1: of their dating, but like six years of the marriage.

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Speaker 1: He just like he basically lost all all I mean,

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Speaker 1: I guess he could try to get back those handbags

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Speaker 1: and stuff, but it's also like at so much money shopping,

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Speaker 1: like the value of all the stuff, Like he's definitely

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Speaker 1: has a million times like maybe literally a million less

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Speaker 1: dollars potentially, yeah, if he was a doctor.

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Speaker 2: But but he's free. Now he's free. Man is free,

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Speaker 2: and he's gonna ask at the barista. I want the

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Speaker 2: barista update.

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Speaker 1: That's right, Barista gets pregnant on the first date.