WEBVTT - It’s Time To Do Eating Disorder Recovery Differently with Kristie Amadio 0:00:00.400 --> 0:00:04.520 I won't let my body out be outwell everything that 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:07.920 I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change. 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:12.440 I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong, 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:15.840 I feel free, I know who every part of me 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:24.000 It's beautiful and then will always out way if you 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:27.200 feel it with yours in the air, She'll love to 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:29.960 the moon. I am there. Let's say good day and 0:00:30.920 --> 0:00:36.840 did you and die out? Happy Saturday? Outweigh fam Amy 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:40.800 here and I am sitting across from Christie amadio and 0:00:40.880 --> 0:00:43.640 I'm gonna have you give us your little bio and 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:45.879 a second and where you're coming to us from. But 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:49.360 I gotta say, I just got done watching Christie's ted 0:00:49.600 --> 0:00:53.000 x talk on YouTube and I was like, well, I'm 0:00:53.000 --> 0:00:54.560 gonna watch a little bit here and I'm trying to 0:00:54.600 --> 0:00:55.920 do this, And the next thing you know, I'm sitting 0:00:55.920 --> 0:00:58.560 down in front of my computer totally like into the story. 0:00:58.600 --> 0:01:00.760 And I'm just so grateful for people like Christie that 0:01:01.280 --> 0:01:05.160 have used their story and then taken it to others. 0:01:05.240 --> 0:01:08.639 And I know that you're super passionate about helping people 0:01:08.720 --> 0:01:11.960 anyone and everyone all across the world, So thank you 0:01:12.000 --> 0:01:14.280 for taking the time to join us on our way today. 0:01:14.360 --> 0:01:16.520 Thank you so much for having me so tell us 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:19.880 a little bit about you and your story. And obviously 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:22.319 people may now know that you've spoken. You have an accent. 0:01:23.600 --> 0:01:26.600 I do have an accent. So I'm back living in 0:01:26.640 --> 0:01:28.679 New Zealand. I'm kind of from all over. I was 0:01:28.680 --> 0:01:30.640 born in England, my parents were from New Zealand. I 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:32.959 grew up in Australia and then I moved to New 0:01:33.040 --> 0:01:36.440 Zealand when I was twenty four, and then after I recovered, 0:01:36.440 --> 0:01:38.480 which i'll get into, actually moved to the States for 0:01:38.560 --> 0:01:41.880 five years, which it's absolutely a piece of my heart. 0:01:42.319 --> 0:01:44.760 Um So you get different accents coming out of my 0:01:44.760 --> 0:01:47.040 mouth all the time. But in terms of my story, 0:01:47.120 --> 0:01:51.080 it's so soulful for me to be able to talk 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:53.720 about being recovered, because it's not something that I ever 0:01:53.760 --> 0:01:56.440 thought was on the cards to me. I struggled with 0:01:57.160 --> 0:01:59.880 disordered eating and an eating disorder for fourteen years and 0:02:00.440 --> 0:02:02.960 I got told in two different countries that I was 0:02:03.040 --> 0:02:05.680 chronic and I'd never fully recover, and I got taught 0:02:05.720 --> 0:02:08.680 to know in air quotes like manage my eating disorder. 0:02:08.680 --> 0:02:10.640 They said, well, you can still be high functioning. You 0:02:10.680 --> 0:02:13.359 can still you know, have a job and have relationships, 0:02:13.360 --> 0:02:15.920 but you just have to manage it. And I was like, oh, okay, 0:02:16.080 --> 0:02:18.160 if that's what I have to do, like okay. And 0:02:18.200 --> 0:02:20.280 I was never told that I could have a better 0:02:20.360 --> 0:02:22.960 quality of life. And so I think for so long 0:02:23.840 --> 0:02:26.360 nobody knew I had an eating disorder because it was 0:02:26.400 --> 0:02:30.240 so hidden by you know, I exercised that much. My 0:02:30.360 --> 0:02:33.520 career became in the outdoors, so that I was like, 0:02:33.560 --> 0:02:35.919 I could just get paid to have an eating disorder 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:38.000 and just exercise all the time. Great, And so I 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:41.480 became an outdoor guide, like working like taking people out 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:44.280 in the bush and taking people kayaking, And in my head, 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:46.240 I was like, well, that's okay because i can exercise 0:02:46.280 --> 0:02:48.639 all the time and I'm getting paid for it, and 0:02:49.040 --> 0:02:51.800 this is okay, right, And I kind of just kept 0:02:51.840 --> 0:02:53.720 that up for a very long time, and everyone just 0:02:53.760 --> 0:02:56.560 thought that was that's just Christie. She likes to exercise, 0:02:56.680 --> 0:03:00.160 and you know, she's really quote unquote healthy with her food. 0:03:00.240 --> 0:03:04.280 But deep inside, I'd wake up every morning and think 0:03:04.320 --> 0:03:06.360 about how many hours I had to do, or what 0:03:06.440 --> 0:03:07.839 I had to eat, or if I was going out 0:03:07.919 --> 0:03:10.640 that night where I'd have to compensate later on, and 0:03:10.680 --> 0:03:12.760 it just it came to a head where I think 0:03:12.800 --> 0:03:14.320 the eating disorder, I'd like to say it was like 0:03:14.360 --> 0:03:17.160 a termite, and it just chipped away and chipped away 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:18.920 and chipped away until one day I work up in 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:20.760 the house and fallen down around my years and I 0:03:20.840 --> 0:03:24.040 was deep, deep, deep in an eating disorder and once 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:26.000 again being told that I'd never get better. That's a 0:03:26.000 --> 0:03:29.840 great analogy, the termite analogy. I think that that's an 0:03:29.840 --> 0:03:33.320 excellent way to put it, because it chips away. It's 0:03:33.320 --> 0:03:38.520 like you don't realize there's a problem until it's no 0:03:38.560 --> 0:03:44.520 longer sustainable, the until you problem. Yeah, the foundation is 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:49.000 about to collapse because it's being eroded away and eaten away. 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:51.720 And the title of your TED talk in case people 0:03:51.760 --> 0:03:54.280 want to search it up, is it's time to do 0:03:54.440 --> 0:03:59.520 eating disorder recovery differently. And why is it that you 0:03:59.640 --> 0:04:03.280 chose to speak on that in particular. Yeah, that's such 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:07.400 a great question. So what happened is my termite house 0:04:07.400 --> 0:04:09.280 fell down around my ears and I got told in 0:04:09.320 --> 0:04:12.600 New Zealand like, hey, you know your chronic this is 0:04:12.600 --> 0:04:14.160 going to be the pattern of your adult years. You're 0:04:14.160 --> 0:04:16.200 going to have times of doing doing okay and you're 0:04:16.200 --> 0:04:18.159 gonna have times where you're going to be struggling again. 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:20.400 And I said, I said, well, if that's the life 0:04:20.520 --> 0:04:22.400 you're forecasting for me, then I don't want to live 0:04:22.440 --> 0:04:24.960 it because it's not living. It was existing. And so 0:04:25.040 --> 0:04:28.680 I searched online for support worldwide because I was like, 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:31.680 there has to be something somewhere. I just had this 0:04:32.000 --> 0:04:34.200 thing inside of me I think that always held onto 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:36.480 a glimmer of hope even when it felt hopeless. And 0:04:36.800 --> 0:04:39.400 I found this treatment center in America that talked about 0:04:39.720 --> 0:04:42.240 being fully recovered, and I was like, well, that's nice 0:04:42.240 --> 0:04:43.719 for them, but maybe I can just get a little 0:04:43.760 --> 0:04:45.320 bit better, you know. And I called them up, and 0:04:45.360 --> 0:04:48.880 the lady on the phone I'll always remember her and 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:51.160 she said, Christie said, I don't care how long you've 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:53.040 had meeting disorder. I don't care how many times you've 0:04:53.040 --> 0:04:54.880 tried to recover. I don't care how sick you've been. 0:04:55.240 --> 0:04:58.400 We absolutely believe everyone can recover. And it just it 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:01.000 was so foreign, but it out I was so drawn 0:05:01.080 --> 0:05:05.120 to that concept, and long story short, I ended up 0:05:05.120 --> 0:05:08.560 going to America for eating disorder treatment and it was 0:05:08.720 --> 0:05:12.320 just a different world like I was so used to 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:14.880 Australia in New Zealand, which blessed their heart. I think 0:05:14.920 --> 0:05:17.200 they're doing the very best they can with what they 0:05:17.320 --> 0:05:20.039 know and what they have available. And America has something 0:05:20.080 --> 0:05:22.600 that's so different. And for me, what was different was 0:05:22.640 --> 0:05:25.200 it was a home. It wasn't a hospital. A portion 0:05:25.240 --> 0:05:27.560 of the staff had had eating disorders and had recovered 0:05:28.000 --> 0:05:30.720 every single day. It was like life in recovery. I 0:05:30.760 --> 0:05:34.960 wasn't sitting in a room just being given food and 0:05:35.000 --> 0:05:36.600 that that was the goal. It was like, no, we're 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:38.480 going to teach you how to recover. We're going to 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:41.359 go out to restaurants. We're going to go grocery shopping, 0:05:41.360 --> 0:05:43.200 We're going to go to the beach, we're going to 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:47.000 go to the movies. It was living life in recovery 0:05:47.160 --> 0:05:50.360 and negotiating all of that. And so when I left 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:54.679 treatment and I started to go back out in the world, 0:05:54.680 --> 0:05:56.159 I was like, you know what, this just has to 0:05:56.360 --> 0:05:58.120 come out to the world and I want to teach. 0:05:58.160 --> 0:06:00.400 I want to do eating disort of treatment differently of people, 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:02.040 and I want to take a piece of that. And 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:05.240 so I started to do that myself and helping others. 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:07.440 And so what are the ways that you do that 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:10.280 because I mean that is I have goose bumps thinking 0:06:10.360 --> 0:06:13.919 that getting into or finding a treatment center that believed 0:06:13.960 --> 0:06:16.920 in you and your recovery and that it was possible 0:06:16.920 --> 0:06:19.600 and you having that hope and then going there and 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:21.440 then yeah, it's not like you leave right away and 0:06:21.480 --> 0:06:23.880 it's like oh a magic wand was waved and suddenly 0:06:23.920 --> 0:06:27.760 you're recovered. But it changed the trajectory of your life. 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:31.320 You now felt this calling of like, I can help others. 0:06:31.400 --> 0:06:36.120 So what is it that you've developed since you left 0:06:36.640 --> 0:06:39.640 where you were? And um in you're you're helping others 0:06:39.640 --> 0:06:42.159 out in the world. And I think that's such an 0:06:42.200 --> 0:06:44.360 important thing to know. Like so often people say to me, well, 0:06:44.360 --> 0:06:46.159 it's like you left and you just recovered, and I'm like, 0:06:46.279 --> 0:06:49.760 I didn't. I left and I struggled and life happened 0:06:49.800 --> 0:06:51.520 and I had to navigate life into the world. So 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:53.239 I want to say there was one hund It wasn't 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:56.320 like I left treatment recovered. I left treatment with hope. 0:06:56.320 --> 0:06:58.159 I left treatment knowing what I had to do. I 0:06:58.240 --> 0:07:01.800 left treatment with with to be recovered, Like I knew 0:07:01.800 --> 0:07:03.359 it and I wanted it. It was like a like 0:07:03.400 --> 0:07:05.159 an athlete going for a goal and I was like, 0:07:05.200 --> 0:07:06.880 this is what I want. You know, it took a 0:07:06.880 --> 0:07:09.360 couple of years after I left treatment to be recovered, 0:07:09.800 --> 0:07:12.160 but what happened is I went back to working in 0:07:12.200 --> 0:07:15.200 the outdoors, which was fantastic to have a different relationship 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:17.320 with food and a different relationship with exercise, and a 0:07:17.320 --> 0:07:19.440 different relationship with my body. You know. I was back 0:07:19.760 --> 0:07:21.560 being in the outdoors because I loved it, not because 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:23.200 I felt like I had to punish myself. And that 0:07:23.320 --> 0:07:25.360 was really important to me. And I actually had an 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:27.320 experience where I fell off a cliff. So I was 0:07:27.320 --> 0:07:28.960 out in the bush and I fell off a cliff 0:07:28.960 --> 0:07:31.800 and I damaged my feet and it actually ended my 0:07:31.840 --> 0:07:34.520 outdoor career. And I was like devastated, and it was 0:07:34.520 --> 0:07:36.720 like what can I do? And I was like, well, 0:07:37.080 --> 0:07:39.840 I can eat food and I'm good with people. And 0:07:39.920 --> 0:07:42.480 I actually already had a therapy degree, which I just 0:07:42.600 --> 0:07:45.080 wasn't using because I liked the outdoors. And so I 0:07:45.120 --> 0:07:48.480 decided to go back into therapy and specialize in eating disorders. 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:51.520 And I wanted to do more than just traditional talk therapy, 0:07:51.560 --> 0:07:53.360 and so I came up with this concept of for 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:56.760 me going from residential treatment and going back home that 0:07:56.960 --> 0:07:59.200 was hard, and it was hard because I came back 0:07:59.240 --> 0:08:01.960 to New Zealand to a country that didn't understand the 0:08:02.000 --> 0:08:05.160 process I've been through too, and I think when we recover, 0:08:05.240 --> 0:08:08.080 we recover into a disordered world. There's so much out 0:08:08.120 --> 0:08:11.280 there that's in restaurants, it's in family structures, it's in beliefs, 0:08:11.280 --> 0:08:15.119 it's in gym. So I thought, you know, for people 0:08:15.160 --> 0:08:18.440 that either can't go to treatment because of whatever reason, 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:20.640 maybe they've got four kids and they're a single mom, 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:22.720 Maybe they can't afford it, maybe it's not in their country, 0:08:22.760 --> 0:08:25.000 I was like, what if I kind of brought treatment 0:08:25.080 --> 0:08:27.440 to people? And so I came up with this concept 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:29.720 of livings where I would go and live with people 0:08:29.760 --> 0:08:32.520 in their home, and that could be once they left treatment, 0:08:32.600 --> 0:08:35.120 or it could because they could never go. And so 0:08:35.320 --> 0:08:36.920 I kind of I was like, I don't even know 0:08:36.960 --> 0:08:39.240 if people would want to do that, but I would 0:08:39.240 --> 0:08:43.480 have really liked that for myself. And I you know, 0:08:43.679 --> 0:08:46.520 went on a woman a prayer to America because that 0:08:46.640 --> 0:08:49.800 was where my I guess, my my chosen family was 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:53.760 my my recovery family, my community, and it just took off. 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:56.400 Within a couple of months. I had a year long 0:08:56.440 --> 0:08:59.360 wait list, and I think I went to seven or 0:08:59.360 --> 0:09:01.840 eight different kind trees all around the world, living with 0:09:01.880 --> 0:09:04.280 people in their homes, and I just had the most humbling, 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:07.679 beautiful experiences where I got to live with people and 0:09:07.720 --> 0:09:11.320 help them change not just within themselves, but look at 0:09:11.360 --> 0:09:13.400 their environment. And it's like, no, no, when when you 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:17.200 go to the grocery store, you don't park three blocks away, 0:09:17.400 --> 0:09:20.439 you park in the parking lot, you know, and little 0:09:20.480 --> 0:09:22.800 things like that that I think never get addressed in 0:09:22.840 --> 0:09:25.680 treatment because you can't. And just working with the family 0:09:25.679 --> 0:09:28.200 as a whole. It was such such a gift. And 0:09:28.240 --> 0:09:31.280 then the second kind of thread that I started was 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:33.760 also online because I was starting to get reach outs 0:09:33.800 --> 0:09:38.559 from people in Israel, people in Scotland, people in Denmark, 0:09:39.040 --> 0:09:41.640 and I was like wow, and so I started this 0:09:41.760 --> 0:09:43.760 online piece. I like to say that I started online 0:09:43.760 --> 0:09:47.440 therapy before COVID did. They got people just wanting support, 0:09:47.840 --> 0:09:51.160 people who couldn't get the support in their own countries, 0:09:51.720 --> 0:09:55.040 and people that wanted to work with someone that had recovered, 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:57.520 people that wanted someone that believed in them, and so 0:09:57.640 --> 0:10:00.160 very quickly that got really busy as well. And so 0:10:00.240 --> 0:10:02.680 I really like to have hold those two threads of 0:10:02.840 --> 0:10:05.480 having to live in support and also having the online piece. 0:10:05.920 --> 0:10:09.640 Where can people access the online piece? Yeah, absolutely through 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:12.040 the website, so recovered living dot com. Um. So now 0:10:12.040 --> 0:10:14.240 I'm back in New Zealand. Um. I've also got five 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:16.800 other coaches that worked for me in America. They all 0:10:16.800 --> 0:10:20.800 fully recovered. They're all fantastic. I love them all, and yeah, 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:23.280 they've We've got clients from all over the world, which 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:31.320 is fantastic to me. We're on zoom so I can 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:34.959 see Christie's face and it's it is pure joy bouncing 0:10:34.960 --> 0:10:38.280 back off the computer to me. Because like when you said, 0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:41.200 but you love the other people working with you like you, 0:10:41.280 --> 0:10:44.640 I could tell that was very, very sincere and probably 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:48.160 the excitement you'll feel coming together collectively all if you've 0:10:48.200 --> 0:10:51.560 got five and then including you, is that six. So 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:54.440 think of the amount of people y'all are able to 0:10:54.559 --> 0:10:57.520 reach coming together for that. I just I think it's 0:10:57.520 --> 0:11:01.880 amazing because a lot of people are familiar with recovery 0:11:01.960 --> 0:11:07.880 from alcoholism at times and when people have inner treatment. 0:11:08.000 --> 0:11:11.320 I have people in my life that have come out 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:13.640 of that. I never went to any residential treatment for 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:18.360 my eating disorder, but I am familiar with addiction to alcohol, 0:11:18.600 --> 0:11:21.640 and you come out of that and you instantly have 0:11:21.720 --> 0:11:24.160 all of the support and there's a a meetings and 0:11:24.200 --> 0:11:26.280 you have a sponsor, and you have like it is 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:32.480 a rigorous routine because it's again an alcohol is something 0:11:32.480 --> 0:11:35.400 that can be all around you, but you have your 0:11:35.440 --> 0:11:39.240 different things that you have to do to stay the course. 0:11:39.840 --> 0:11:45.359 And I feel like, similarly, food can be an addiction, 0:11:46.000 --> 0:11:48.679 but we also need food to survive, right, So then 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:54.200 there's this's this very difficult dynamic because you can never 0:11:54.280 --> 0:11:57.360 touch alcohol again and that's the goal. But food you 0:11:57.400 --> 0:11:59.520 have to touch every single day. And even in your 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:01.320 TED talk, it's like it should be the first thing 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:04.560 you do every single day, And when you were doing 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:07.040 your livings with people, it's like, Nope, you wake up, 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:09.520 you eat breakfast. That's just what you do. Don't put 0:12:09.520 --> 0:12:12.240 off the food, don't start the restriction, don't get busy, 0:12:12.440 --> 0:12:15.400 don't make food the last thing on your list, because 0:12:15.920 --> 0:12:18.160 the minute you start to implement that, you'll start to 0:12:18.200 --> 0:12:22.000 see the change. But I'm kind of rambling here now, 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:25.280 and I just feel like what you're doing with the 0:12:25.360 --> 0:12:29.400 livings and the online and giving people that support, the 0:12:29.559 --> 0:12:34.079 tangible support, the change, the ongoing because it is ongoing. 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:37.200 I have been what I would call quote unquote in 0:12:37.360 --> 0:12:41.160 recovery for two years, but I still put myself to 0:12:41.200 --> 0:12:45.640 work every single day to combat different thoughts or old behaviors, 0:12:45.760 --> 0:12:49.040 or when I met with other things from society, I 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:52.720 have to shut it down, change the channel. Just I 0:12:52.760 --> 0:12:55.800 know some people are new and they might be listening 0:12:55.800 --> 0:12:58.760 to this episode because they're curious to try to figure 0:12:58.760 --> 0:13:00.640 out and I just wanted to share a little bit 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:04.200 about like some recovery comparison to other things you might 0:13:04.240 --> 0:13:06.440 be familiar with, at least that I feel like I've 0:13:06.440 --> 0:13:10.679 talked about more like alcoholism and a a that's integrated 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:14.480 into movies and storylines and different things. And we're starting 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:17.320 to see eating disorders show up. But the more people 0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:20.640 share and get vulnerable and talk about things than the 0:13:20.679 --> 0:13:25.040 more quote unquote normal, it will seem absolutely And I 0:13:25.120 --> 0:13:27.400 think you touched on such an important piece there, because 0:13:27.400 --> 0:13:29.800 it's like, you know, if you struggle with substances, it's like, 0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:32.600 don't take the substances, like that's that's your remedy. But 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:34.560 I think for someone with an eating disorder, you have 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:36.959 to eat every single day, and so it's a different 0:13:37.000 --> 0:13:39.240 type of recovery because you really have to heal your 0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:41.439 relationship with food. You don't have to abstain from food, 0:13:41.760 --> 0:13:44.280 you have to heal your relationship with it. And one 0:13:44.280 --> 0:13:46.680 of my favorite quotes, it's about a tiger. And I think, 0:13:46.720 --> 0:13:49.960 you know, for someone that's in recovery, they go and 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:52.000 pat the tiger every single day in the cage or 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:53.720 they take it for a walk when you're in recovery. 0:13:53.760 --> 0:13:55.360 But when you're recovered, I like to say, there just 0:13:55.480 --> 0:13:58.160 is no tiger. Like I have a completely different relationship 0:13:58.240 --> 0:13:59.960 with food in my body today and I don't feel 0:14:00.080 --> 0:14:04.360 like like I don't have to struggle anymore. I just 0:14:04.520 --> 0:14:06.080 eat food and I live in my body and I 0:14:06.080 --> 0:14:08.240 love my life and it's the greatest gift I can have. 0:14:08.320 --> 0:14:10.480 And I know, and I know when I was in 0:14:10.520 --> 0:14:12.680 my eating disorder, that just felt so impossible. It just 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:14.720 felt like way too much of a bridge. But I 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:17.880 want to say to anybody listening, you may not believe 0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:20.240 that you can recover until you're actually there. Like it's 0:14:20.280 --> 0:14:23.200 okay to doubt yourself and go forward anyway, you know, 0:14:23.240 --> 0:14:25.040 And I think that's the truth is you just you 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:26.800 just have to you just have to start and you 0:14:26.880 --> 0:14:29.240 have to dive in and take that tiger for a walk, 0:14:29.280 --> 0:14:30.760 and one day you'll go to get the tiger and 0:14:30.760 --> 0:14:32.960 you'll be like, oh, it's not there anymore. You said 0:14:33.000 --> 0:14:35.560 that all you need to have, and this is something 0:14:35.600 --> 0:14:37.600 that I have in writing from you, All you need 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:40.280 to have is the curiosity of what it would be 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:43.920 like to not have and eating disorder in order to 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:48.440 start your journey to recovery. Yes, like you just gave 0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:51.920 me goose bumps and there with my work. But like, 0:14:52.240 --> 0:14:53.720 I mean, that's so you don't even have to want 0:14:53.720 --> 0:14:55.760 to recover. You know. I'm talking with clients right now 0:14:55.760 --> 0:14:57.080 that are like, I don't even know if I want 0:14:57.080 --> 0:14:59.200 to recover, And I'm like, that's okay, let's just be 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:01.880 let's start with the curiosity. Do I even want that? Like, 0:15:02.000 --> 0:15:04.240 let's just start there. Talk about that one a little 0:15:04.240 --> 0:15:07.920 bit more like why would someone not want to recover? 0:15:08.760 --> 0:15:12.160 M hm? So many reasons. I mean for myself, Like 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:14.600 I put my whole life savings on the line to 0:15:14.600 --> 0:15:17.000 go to America and I still thought it hard. I didn't. 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:18.600 I didn't turn up with a smile and a hug. 0:15:18.640 --> 0:15:21.320 I turned up like I am suspicious of everybody here, 0:15:21.800 --> 0:15:23.960 And for me, I didn't want to recover because my 0:15:24.000 --> 0:15:26.840 eating disorder was an identity, because it was my safety. 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:28.560 I was like, who will I be without it? How 0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:32.360 will I cope? Will I be okay? I couldn't envisage 0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:34.600 a life without my eating disorder. And I think so 0:15:34.680 --> 0:15:36.760 many people they're not sure they want to give up 0:15:36.800 --> 0:15:40.240 that control because it's like, well, another thing that I 0:15:40.280 --> 0:15:42.960 like to say is I think people's ability to recover 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:46.080 is directly proportional to their ability to surrender. And so 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:49.440 for me, I was all about the I'll recover ninety percent, 0:15:49.480 --> 0:15:52.280 but that ten percent I am hanging onto that, and 0:15:52.400 --> 0:15:53.880 I was huge about that, and it was like I 0:15:53.920 --> 0:15:55.600 just wanted to be safe. I wanted to keep an 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:58.600 eye on myself. And the truth is that would have 0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:00.080 been a termite that I didn't e write a K 0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:02.000 and in ten years time I would have worken up 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:04.280 with my house around my ears again. And that last 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:07.080 ten percent was huge to say, I am surrendering to 0:16:07.160 --> 0:16:09.440 my body set point. I'm surrendering to the fact that 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:11.720 I don't actually have control of my shoe size in 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:13.280 the same way that I don't have control of my 0:16:13.320 --> 0:16:17.240 body shape size, body composition, all of those pieces, and 0:16:17.520 --> 0:16:19.440 for me, that was the clincher on being recovered. When 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:21.720 I can surrender into that and when I let go 0:16:21.880 --> 0:16:24.840 of that ten percent, everything else fell into place. Okay, 0:16:24.880 --> 0:16:28.400 you said set point, So define that for people, because 0:16:28.400 --> 0:16:31.800 I think that's an important thing. So set point A disclaimer, 0:16:31.800 --> 0:16:34.080 I'm not a dietitian, but stet point is essentially, it's 0:16:34.160 --> 0:16:39.440 like our body has a genetic weight range, weight composition, 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:45.560 weight size, shape that it wants to be. And you know, 0:16:45.680 --> 0:16:47.840 in the same way we have a shoe size or 0:16:47.880 --> 0:16:51.040 a face shape or an eye shape. We can control 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:54.080 it if we want to our set point, but we'll 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:56.400 never be truly free. And I think that's the difference 0:16:56.640 --> 0:16:58.920 is because society is so constantly saying you can have 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:02.360 a flat stomach, can have you know, thighs like this 0:17:02.560 --> 0:17:05.399 or shoulders like that? You can? But at what cost? 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:07.639 That's exactly what the thought I had in my head. 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:09.040 If you weren't going to say it, I was about 0:17:09.080 --> 0:17:12.280 to say, but at what cost? Yeah, when you think 0:17:12.320 --> 0:17:15.480 of all that you sacrifice when you're eating, disorder is 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:20.640 in control. I think of the relationships that suffered so 0:17:20.720 --> 0:17:23.960 much of my life was ruled well, in fact, the 0:17:24.000 --> 0:17:27.720 whole thing. When I was deep into it, everything was 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:30.000 centered around my eating disorder. But it was all in 0:17:30.040 --> 0:17:32.840 my head. It's not like people knew. But like every thought, 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:37.600 every relationship, every dinner out, every parties that I missed, 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:40.840 celebrations that I didn't take part in, you know, amazing 0:17:40.920 --> 0:17:43.840 food that my family cooked that I didn't eat. Nights 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:47.119 I stayed home alone because I was too nervous to 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:50.600 go out or felt gross in my body and just 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:53.359 didn't even want to deal with it. So yeah, I 0:17:53.400 --> 0:17:58.200 think having a healthy perspective on what is your set 0:17:58.240 --> 0:18:00.640 point When you're in it, you're we're like, I don't 0:18:00.640 --> 0:18:04.680 even know because I've been manipulating for years. But once 0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:07.480 you get there and you feel the joy and you're 0:18:07.480 --> 0:18:09.760 no longer consumed by all those thoughts, or you can 0:18:09.840 --> 0:18:12.200 walk past a mirror without having to turn and look 0:18:12.240 --> 0:18:16.879 and assess and judge yourself, it's just freedom. You know, 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:19.760 it will sometimes could rear up, but when you have 0:18:19.880 --> 0:18:22.480 the tools, then you can bust them out from your 0:18:22.480 --> 0:18:27.400 back pocket and be like not today, not today, tigger. Absolutely. 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:29.720 And also there's this piece I think like like two things. 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:32.240 One having grace, like I turned thirty seven, like a 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:34.080 month ago, and I was like, I woke up the 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:36.840 one morning I was like, huh, my body's squishy and 0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:39.199 than it used to be. And I was like, interesting, 0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:41.119 this must happen as you get older. And it was 0:18:41.160 --> 0:18:42.280 like there was no part of me that was like 0:18:42.280 --> 0:18:44.320 I had to change my food after exercise more. This 0:18:44.359 --> 0:18:46.919 isn't okay. There's this grace that my set point, my 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:49.240 body composition and shape, my size, that's going to change 0:18:49.240 --> 0:18:51.480 over time and that's okay. And I think that came 0:18:51.600 --> 0:18:53.919 with being recovered, and it came with time in the saddle. 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:55.920 And I often say that, like I feel more recovered 0:18:55.920 --> 0:18:57.440 this year than I did last year, And that doesn't 0:18:57.440 --> 0:18:59.719 mean I wasn't recovered last year. It just means that 0:19:00.240 --> 0:19:02.600 I've got more time being human. And so I think 0:19:02.640 --> 0:19:04.639 too with you know, when I was in recovery, I 0:19:04.720 --> 0:19:07.639 was like, I don't want my body. I don't want 0:19:08.280 --> 0:19:10.439 my body at that set point. I don't want that. 0:19:10.480 --> 0:19:11.920 I don't see how I can be happy with that. 0:19:12.000 --> 0:19:13.879 I don't see how I can live with that. And 0:19:13.960 --> 0:19:16.720 part of recovery for me was actually living in that, 0:19:17.080 --> 0:19:19.119