Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Only crown the reason you
Speaker 1: need to adjust your two masque budgets. The new variant
Speaker 1: has now been found in seventeen American states. Yeah, and honestly,
Speaker 1: by the time you see this, it will probably be
Speaker 1: up to like eighty states. Now, there is some good news.
Speaker 1: Dr Fauci says that, while it's still too early to
Speaker 1: know for sure, it looks like omcron spreads more easily
Speaker 1: than Delta, but maybe less severe. Yeah, which means COVID
Speaker 1: might have watered itself down so it could reach more
Speaker 1: people like the ice Cube of Corona variants. And that
Speaker 1: would be amazing if it's true. I mean, like if
Speaker 1: COVID just made people sick instead of killing them, I mean,
Speaker 1: that would be a game changer. You know, it's still
Speaker 1: not great, but it's better. Imagine if Freddy Krueger started
Speaker 1: giving teenagers diarrhea instead of killing them. That's a major
Speaker 1: improvement and a really weird movie, don't you get it? Man,
Speaker 1: If you poop in your dreams, you poop in your bed,
Speaker 1: I guess I'll just wash the sheets. Oh yeah, it's
Speaker 1: gonna be a whole laundry day. Still, even if that
Speaker 1: turns out to be true. Nobody wants another big wave
Speaker 1: of COVID cases. Nobody wants that, which is why today
Speaker 1: Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that New York City will
Speaker 1: be the first city in the country to require all
Speaker 1: private employees to be vaccinated. Yeah, which means you can
Speaker 1: feel better now knowing that the guys selling you your
Speaker 1: fake vaccine card on the corner, well, he's also going
Speaker 1: to be vaccinated. And thanks to fears of omicron, there's
Speaker 1: now a surge in demand for vaccines all over the world,
Speaker 1: although not for everyone. A dentist in Italy is in
Speaker 1: hot water for trying to get his COVID vaccine in
Speaker 1: a fake arm and he turned up for the shot
Speaker 1: with a fake um covering his real um, hoping the
Speaker 1: nurse wouldn't notice. But when the nurse called up his sleeve,
Speaker 1: she found this skin rubbery, cold and the pigment too
Speaker 1: light to reading the comments of the reason. He gave
Speaker 1: me a half smile and asked me to pretend I
Speaker 1: didn't know anything and to give him the vaccine anyway.
Speaker 1: And I realized that he was wearing a silicon body suit,
Speaker 1: the silicon bodysuite, the nurse is talking about would have
Speaker 1: looked something like this. There are several of them online
Speaker 1: for sale. It's so wait to wait. This dude just
Speaker 1: put on a fake suit like he was starring in
Speaker 1: the House of Gucci, and then he thought that that
Speaker 1: would fool a nurse. Well, man, nurses put needles in
Speaker 1: arms all day. They know what a real arm feels like.
Speaker 1: Like if a nurse feels cold, rubbery skin, they're definitely
Speaker 1: gonna be like, wait a minute, already gave Mitch McConnell
Speaker 1: his shot. Who are you not to mention this is Italy.
Speaker 1: That's the hardest place to pull off a fake arm.
Speaker 1: How comma, you're not the moving your hands around the
Speaker 1: when you talk. I am one of those Italians who
Speaker 1: doesn't ad all that. I let my mouth do the talking.
Speaker 1: That is no such a thing. Look mad. To be fair, guys,
Speaker 1: you can't be that mad at a dentist for lying
Speaker 1: to a doctor. I mean, how many times have you
Speaker 1: gone to your dentist and said, oh, yeah, I definitely
Speaker 1: flushed many times a day. He learned it from us,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I gotta say that, so man,
Speaker 1: I respect the ingenuity these people are getting more and
Speaker 1: more creative. These folks have come along away from drinking bleach,
Speaker 1: and you got to respect that. You started with the drinking,
Speaker 1: the bleach themes, a little bit of the horse medicine,
Speaker 1: and then they was fake vaccine cards and I'm a
Speaker 1: man just got a whole almon. That's what we need
Speaker 1: to start selling, dog fake on homes. Yeah, fake arms.
Speaker 1: I don't encourage them. Roy Hell yeah, fake arms. That's
Speaker 1: what we should start selling. But he may not encourage him.
Speaker 1: It's money, it's money to be made. People are willing
Speaker 1: to pay top down. This man a bottle old but
Speaker 1: naked suit on the internet to keep from getting a shot.
Speaker 1: If you missed out the money man, you know him
Speaker 1: right though you know him right? I don't know about that,
Speaker 1: all right. Let's move on from COVID to the other
Speaker 1: big event that sweeps the whole world, the Olympics. It's
Speaker 1: when all the nations of the world compete to see
Speaker 1: who has the best steroids. They are also a chance
Speaker 1: for countries to come together in harmony despite their differences.
Speaker 1: But sometimes there are some differences that are too big
Speaker 1: to set aside, and that's when it's time to play
Speaker 1: a new Olympic sport hardball. Now to more breaking news.
Speaker 1: The US will not send any diplomatic representatives to the
Speaker 1: Beijing Winter Olympics. Press Secretary Jensaki announced the boycott, citing
Speaker 1: China's ongoing genocide and human rights abuses. In the past,
Speaker 1: first ladies, even presidents have led the US delegation to
Speaker 1: the Olympics, but this move by the by the administration
Speaker 1: will mean no US government officials attend in protests of
Speaker 1: China's human rights abuses. American athletes, however, will still be
Speaker 1: allowed to compete. Wow wow, wow wow, that's huge. There
Speaker 1: will be no American government officials at the Olympics, which
Speaker 1: means if they want to watch it, they'll have to
Speaker 1: do it the way the rest of us do, by
Speaker 1: turning on the TV and then getting brought off the
Speaker 1: three minutes and then turning it off. And that's a
Speaker 1: real shame that the American officials won't be at the Olympics,
Speaker 1: because you realize Kamala Harris was about to become the
Speaker 1: first black woman to ever watch a hockey game. But
Speaker 1: I mean, honestly, it doesn't surprise me that Joe Biden
Speaker 1: would do this. It doesn't surprise me at all. For
Speaker 1: one thing, he cares deeply about human rights. For another,
Speaker 1: he's seventy nine years old. I mean, he's not about
Speaker 1: to fly across twelve time zones to watch a bunch
Speaker 1: of Norwegians sweep and ice rink. That's the one cool
Speaker 1: reason to be president, right, most of us, if we
Speaker 1: don't want to do something, we have to come up
Speaker 1: with some lame excuse and then everyone else shows up
Speaker 1: and talks about how we didn't come. But if you're president,
Speaker 1: you can just be like diplomatic boycott. No one is
Speaker 1: allowed to attend Emily's birthday brunch. Now. The reason the
Speaker 1: US is doing this diplomatic boycott of the Olympics is
Speaker 1: to protest China's abuses against the vegas right, which the
Speaker 1: US government has declared a genocide. And when you when
Speaker 1: you think about it, it's a little weird to accuse
Speaker 1: an Olympic host of genocide but then still send all
Speaker 1: of your athletes to that country. I mean, it's it's genocide.
Speaker 1: At least pull out the Bob sled team. Because now
Speaker 1: all you're doing is saying, you know, all our boring people, well,
Speaker 1: we're not sending them. That's the punishment back. If Biden
Speaker 1: really wanted to punish China, he shouldn't withhold government officials. No,
Speaker 1: he should send government. In fact, you know what he
Speaker 1: should send the ones nobody can stand. Yeah, if you
Speaker 1: want to get back at China, you have Margory Taylor
Speaker 1: Green in the stands. The only way a speed skater
Speaker 1: could move that quickly is with Jewish magnets. Okay, we'll
Speaker 1: let the Vigas go. Please just take her back first off,
Speaker 1: without his global warm and able like six when Olympics left,
Speaker 1: they should have gone. They that many when the Olympics
Speaker 1: left in the first place. The bigger question I have
Speaker 1: you You might notice because you you're more international than me.
Speaker 1: What does the diplomat do? They just show up and
Speaker 1: they go, hey, man, America's good, We're good America. Make
Speaker 1: sure you like them. They that's essentially a diplomat. Then
Speaker 1: they're influencer. They're just a political in FLORENCEA. That's what
Speaker 1: you do. You influence the country. Honestly, if you want
Speaker 1: to make the win the Olympics more exciting, this what
Speaker 1: they need to do Africa. They need to do the
Speaker 1: summer events in the winter. That's how you get to
Speaker 1: win the Olympics popping. I don't know ship about no
Speaker 1: Bob Solt, but I love track and field. Oh, you're
Speaker 1: the fastest person on the track. Let's add some ice.
Speaker 1: See what you do now? I'm an email to I
Speaker 1: will see you know him right? I would want to
Speaker 1: watch those you're telling me, Michael Phelps and ice water.
Speaker 1: You're telling me that's not entertaining, Michael Phelps and ice water.
Speaker 1: Michael Felts on the ice is even more entertaining. Sliding.
Speaker 1: All right, let's move on to our next story, which
Speaker 1: is about jobs, how we pass the time on till
Speaker 1: we die. Over the past few months, more people have
Speaker 1: been quitting their jobs than ever before. But while that's
Speaker 1: going on, some people are still big coming unemployed the
Speaker 1: old fashioned way by getting fired, And one ceo just
Speaker 1: came up with a new and terrible way to do it.
Speaker 1: A web boss had some brutal news for more than
Speaker 1: nine of his workers who had just joined him on
Speaker 1: a Zoom call. You're fired less than four weeks from Christmas.
Speaker 1: Dumped via Zoom, the mortgage startup better dot Com fired
Speaker 1: nine percent of the workforce in a Zoom call that
Speaker 1: lasted less than three minutes. Thank you for joining. Um,
Speaker 1: I come to you with not great news. This is
Speaker 1: the second time in my career I'm doing this and
Speaker 1: I do not do not want to do this. The
Speaker 1: last time I did it, I cried. UM. This time,
Speaker 1: I hope to be stronger. If you're on this call,
Speaker 1: you are part of the unlucky group being laid off.
Speaker 1: Your employment here is terminated, effective immediately. Okay, First of all,
Speaker 1: you can't say if you're on this call you're unlucky
Speaker 1: enough like the call as an optional thing and then
Speaker 1: people got tricked into it. That's on bullshit. If you're
Speaker 1: on this call, well I'm not on this call. Am
Speaker 1: I still fired out of here? Man? People getting fired
Speaker 1: at once, that's not a firing, that's a rapture. I mean,
Speaker 1: a big group firing is the most impersonal thing you
Speaker 1: can do. If you respect an employee, you should have
Speaker 1: the decency to sit down and tell them to their
Speaker 1: face why you think they suck and so we fired
Speaker 1: over Zoom is especially tough because I mean, you can't
Speaker 1: storm model dramatic. You know, if you fight in the office,
Speaker 1: you get to be like you'll be working for me
Speaker 1: one day. Bang. But on zoom. You have to be like,
Speaker 1: you'll all be working for me one day. Wait, where's
Speaker 1: it leave? Leave me? No, that's gallery view, that's mute.
Speaker 1: Am I am? I gone? No, okay, you'll all be
Speaker 1: working for me one day. Hold on, Hey, how do
Speaker 1: I how do I quit this thing? How do I
Speaker 1: can Dennis help me with this? Can we got Dennis
Speaker 1: help me? I can't. Yeah, the button is not working
Speaker 1: for me to leave. Oh man, I hope you guys
Speaker 1: are working for me one day so you can help
Speaker 1: me with this kind of stuff. You know, the worst
Speaker 1: part for me was how the CEO made it all
Speaker 1: about himself as well. Oh this is so tough. I
Speaker 1: hope I don't cry again. What are the people supposed
Speaker 1: to do? Comfort you for firing them? There? There, It's okay,
Speaker 1: I am expendable. I get it. I get it. I
Speaker 1: mean not to mention. I don't think anyone should ever
Speaker 1: get fired before Christmas. It totally ruins the season. If
Speaker 1: you're gonna fire someone on a holiday, you do it
Speaker 1: on Valentine's Day. Yeah, that way, at least you give
Speaker 1: them an excuse. Baby, I would have gotten you something,
Speaker 1: but a boss set me free. President Biden held a
Speaker 1: video meeting with Vladimir Putin to warn him not to
Speaker 1: invade Ukraine. Yeah, and a video chat is a tough
Speaker 1: way for both of these guys to do diplomacy. I mean,
Speaker 1: especially because even when he's in person by and talks
Speaker 1: like he's got a bad connection. Man, come on, man, Glad,
Speaker 1: you gotta you know, with the thing we're trying to
Speaker 1: do on the border, you gotta, man, we gotta, we
Speaker 1: gotta come on, come on, come on, Remember luck, Joe,
Speaker 1: you're cutting out. No, Joe, I cannot hear you're cutting
Speaker 1: reboot your you know what every boot for you. I
Speaker 1: have access to White House servers, not Kamala. She doesn't
Speaker 1: use bluetooth to everybody else. All right, let's move on
Speaker 1: to some technology news. Everyone loves Tesla cars. They're like
Speaker 1: if a preisted Ayahuasca. But now they're on the fire
Speaker 1: for a new feature that allows drivers to play video
Speaker 1: games like Solitaire on the dashboard screen while driving. Yeah, which, guys,
Speaker 1: come on, how are we supposed to drive and play
Speaker 1: video games and text and eat breakfast and do our
Speaker 1: makeup and flip with other drivers for not paying attention
Speaker 1: to the road. It's too much now, people and also,
Speaker 1: I can't emphasize this enough. It's not worth dying in
Speaker 1: a car crash just to play a video game. I mean,
Speaker 1: at least not Solitaire. No, We've got a war was
Speaker 1: on there then yeah, I'll drive off a cliff, but
Speaker 1: Solitaire ship St. Peter will be roasting your ass at
Speaker 1: the Pearly gates. Silent are your bitch has dad for salent?
Speaker 1: This is hious. Your mother there, come here is come
Speaker 1: here is Yeah, bring Jeffrey Epstein with you can bring
Speaker 1: Jeffrey with you know, this ship is crazy? Wait what
Speaker 1: Jeffrey Epstein's in heaven. We're just gonna carry on like
Speaker 1: that didn't happen. Guys, We're just gonna let that how
Speaker 1: did you get into? All right, let's make like every
Speaker 1: batchelor the Red Party and go to Nashville, Tennessee, where
Speaker 1: another Confederate statue has been removed. This time it's one
Speaker 1: that was put up in the nineties. Nineties. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: it's of the first KKK leader, Nathan Bedford Forest. And
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest, you know this. The statue here
Speaker 1: was actually the one Confederate statue that I feel should
Speaker 1: have been kept up because I mean, look at it.
Speaker 1: Ship is hilarious. What have you ever seen a statue
Speaker 1: with the General looks like he's shooting his way out
Speaker 1: of a salute. You know, he's just like his horse
Speaker 1: doesn't even have reins. Every other statue the generals said,
Speaker 1: like a wise old man, This dude looks like he
Speaker 1: stole a horse in red Dead Redemption. I'm dead god
Speaker 1: out here, ah, I mean, look at his face. I've
Speaker 1: never seen a statue that's panicked. Who makes a statue
Speaker 1: of your moment of panic? He looks like he found out.
Speaker 1: He just found out what a Barack Obama is. They said, what,
Speaker 1: he's the rule off? Who Ah. In fact, I realized,
Speaker 1: you know, we don't need to take down any Confederate statues. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we should just say whoever designed this statue has to
Speaker 1: design all the other statues. Then both sides win. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And if this general really did look like this in
Speaker 1: real life, I think it would explain a lot. You know,
Speaker 1: he's probably the first guy at the Clan Riley who said,
Speaker 1: you know what, we should all wear pillow cases over
Speaker 1: our faces. You maine to scare the darkies. Oh yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: that's why for centuries humans have thought that the moon
Speaker 1: is as barren and empty as Chris Cromo's work schedule,
Speaker 1: but that might all be about to change. China's moon
Speaker 1: rover as spotted a mystery object on the horizon while
Speaker 1: working this way across a crater on the far side
Speaker 1: of the moon. In this photo, it's about two and
Speaker 1: sixty feet away, and you can see what looks like
Speaker 1: right angles on a square object. The rover is expected
Speaker 1: to spend the next two to three months trying to
Speaker 1: get closer. The cube shaped object was described in Chinese
Speaker 1: as quote a mystery hut. Uh no, hell no, anything
Speaker 1: called a mystery hut you've better stay away from. I mean,
Speaker 1: best case scenario, it's a pizza place that picks the
Speaker 1: toppings for you. But most likely you're just gonna get molested.
Speaker 1: And by the way, what was that? What was that about?
Speaker 1: Did you hear that way? They said it's going to
Speaker 1: take two to three months to reach the mystery hut
Speaker 1: that's two d and sixty ft away. What did they
Speaker 1: send up their door dash driver? Or he's got a
Speaker 1: complete delivery on other planets first and then he'll be
Speaker 1: right there. Here's an idea, here's an idea. What if
Speaker 1: we leave the mystery hut alone. Mean, I'm just saying,
Speaker 1: between a pandemic and climate change, maybe now is not
Speaker 1: a great time to risk opening up an ancient box
Speaker 1: that we found on the Moon. I mean, chances are
Speaker 1: it's probably just going to be a bouldo or something,
Speaker 1: because let's be honest, the Moon is boring. You know,
Speaker 1: it should be this incredible thing. But whenever we get
Speaker 1: used from space scientists, it always feels like we're hanging
Speaker 1: out with like a like a toddler. I found a walk. Wow,
Speaker 1: well done, scientist, I found a bigger walk. Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1: Well done, scientists. But let's move on from the least
Speaker 1: inhabited place to the most New York city. The holidays
Speaker 1: are a great time of year here in New York.
Speaker 1: The store windows are decorated, the rockettes are performing, and
Speaker 1: if you're really lucky, a beautiful snowfall will trap all
Speaker 1: of the dog poop and garbage on the street for
Speaker 1: three months, after which it will thaw and fill the
Speaker 1: air with the sweet smells of spring. But apparently not
Speaker 1: every New Yorker has the holiday spirit, because last night
Speaker 1: someone set fire to the fifty ft Christmas tree outside
Speaker 1: the Fox News sto videos. And it's not clear how
Speaker 1: this happened. I mean, it could be an accident, could
Speaker 1: be awesome, could be Santifa. It's not clear. And unfortunately
Speaker 1: we can't asked the tree because like all Fox employees
Speaker 1: that had to sign an n d A. But for
Speaker 1: the network that invented the War on Christmas, let's turned
Speaker 1: out to be the best gift that they could have
Speaker 1: usket for. I think it tells the bigger story. I mean,
Speaker 1: since this is this city is so out of control,
Speaker 1: especially in Midtown Manhattan, you we used to love. It
Speaker 1: goes to the larger issue of safety. And we have
Speaker 1: been talking for a very long time. This city has
Speaker 1: gone south when it comes to safety. We don't feel
Speaker 1: safe when we come to work in the morning. We
Speaker 1: don't say it feels safe when we go home at night.
Speaker 1: Think about it. Who's earlier point? Who sets a Christmas
Speaker 1: tree on? It's a tree that unites us, that brings
Speaker 1: us together. It's about the Christmas spirit. It is about
Speaker 1: the holiday season. Uh, it's about Jesus, It's about Hanukah.
Speaker 1: It is about everything that we staying for as a country.
Speaker 1: Great wait wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, great, great Christmas
Speaker 1: tree represents a lot of things, but one thing it
Speaker 1: definitely does not represent is Hanukka. I mean, if it did,
Speaker 1: that tree would have had to burn for eight days.
Speaker 1: Come on, people, I mean, that's a weird thing for
Speaker 1: anyone to say, but especially Fox News, because these are
Speaker 1: the guys who spent fifteen years insisting that we have
Speaker 1: to say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays, and now
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, the Christmas tree is half Jewish.
Speaker 1: It's all about the holidays, all the holidays, And honestly,
Speaker 1: even corning this thing a tree is such a stretch
Speaker 1: because I don't know if you saw this. Once the
Speaker 1: flames went out, it turns out that this thing was
Speaker 1: just like scaffolding covered in pine needles. I'm sorry, but
Speaker 1: that's not a tree. That's just a jungle gym with
Speaker 1: a body hair problem. But I will say this, I
Speaker 1: agree with Fox News hosts. They totally right. People. The
Speaker 1: crime in New York has gotten out of control. The
Speaker 1: city is a war zone. Blood and death is on
Speaker 1: every corner. The rats have joined gangs. Everybody needs to
Speaker 1: leave so that my rent can go down and I
Speaker 1: can finally find some space on the subway, but mostly
Speaker 1: because it's not safe and there's murdered rats. The poor
Speaker 1: rats have been murdered. Sorry, wait, they're murdering whatever brings
Speaker 1: down my rent. Guys. That's what's happening in New York,
Speaker 1: all right. And finally a story out of Finland, the
Speaker 1: country in a throutle with no way in Sweden. Finland
Speaker 1: has one of the youngest prime ministers in the world,
Speaker 1: thirty six year old Santa Maron, and that comes to
Speaker 1: all sorts of challenges. For instance, last weekend, officials tried
Speaker 1: to text Maren to let her know that she had
Speaker 1: been exposed to COVID and needed to isolate, but she
Speaker 1: didn't get the message right away because get this, she
Speaker 1: was out at a club until four am. Yeah, which,
Speaker 1: if you ask me, it is pretty baller. I mean,
Speaker 1: especially in Finland because they only get like one hour
Speaker 1: of sunlight a day that she's probably gonna sleep through
Speaker 1: that right, And people were angry. People were angry that
Speaker 1: she didn't have her phone with her, but I mean,
Speaker 1: it would have been worse if she'd gotten the message
Speaker 1: while she was at the club. All shit, I might
Speaker 1: have COVID. What I can't hear you copy your hands
Speaker 1: over your mouth and scream directly into my face. But guys,
Speaker 1: I can also understand why she wouldn't be checking her
Speaker 1: messages because come on, how hard can it be to
Speaker 1: run Finland? The biggest debate in that country is deciding
Speaker 1: what temperature to set the saunas at. What's their stress?
Speaker 1: You know? The scandal actually just proves why America is
Speaker 1: right though, to only elect old people. They'll never have
Speaker 1: this issue. The only reason Joe Biden would be awake
Speaker 1: at four am is to pee. That makes me feel safe.
Speaker 1: When the COVID pandemic first swept the world in the
Speaker 1: UK was one of the countries that were hardest hit,
Speaker 1: and it responded with a national lockdown. All non essential
Speaker 1: stores were closed, public and private gatherings were banned, and
Speaker 1: Megan and Harry were forced to socially distance seven thousand
Speaker 1: miles away. But now we'll I think that some of
Speaker 1: the people who imposed the lockdown weren't obeying it themselves.
Speaker 1: Boris Johnson is facing fierce criticism this morning. A leaked
Speaker 1: video show senior Downing Street staff joking about a Christmas
Speaker 1: party thrown by the British Prime Minister during last year's
Speaker 1: Tier three COVID lockdown. This video shows AIDS rehearsing for
Speaker 1: a briefing four days after the alleged party. Twice there
Speaker 1: was a Downing Street Christmas person on Friday night. Do
Speaker 1: you recognize I went home? Hold on? Um, uh uh,
Speaker 1: what's the answer? I don't know this mine al right,
Speaker 1: it's a business His fictional party was a business meeting
Speaker 1: and it was not socially distance. The insensitive remarks were
Speaker 1: recorded just days after an alleged Christmas celebration at ten
Speaker 1: Downing Street a year ago, a time when COVID restrictions
Speaker 1: in the country banned such gatherings, and while Britain was
Speaker 1: battling with overflowing hospitals and rising COVID deaths. In Parliament,
Speaker 1: the Prime Minister addressed the scandal. I was also furious
Speaker 1: to see that clip. I have been repeatedly assured since
Speaker 1: these allegations emerged that there was no party, and that
Speaker 1: and that no COVID rules were broken, and that is watched.
Speaker 1: I have been repeatedly we saw them practicing the lie,
Speaker 1: and now you're gonna tell us that one must believe
Speaker 1: the lie. There was no party. You guys have to
Speaker 1: believe the thing that we saw is a thing, is
Speaker 1: not a thing. It is a thing. Everybody must believe me.
Speaker 1: You know, Boris Bars will be a lot more believable
Speaker 1: if it didn't look like someone just pulled him out
Speaker 1: of a mush pit. And guys, it's not. It's not
Speaker 1: just Boris. By the way, it was like every month
Speaker 1: we catch another politician breaking their own COVID rules. Gavin
Speaker 1: Knewsoon went to that fancy restaurant, the Mayor of Austin
Speaker 1: flew to carbol Andrew won't kiss that bat. At the
Speaker 1: same time, I get why they broke COVID rules to
Speaker 1: have that party. I mean, people look forward all year
Speaker 1: long to the office Christmas party. It's the only chance
Speaker 1: you have to hook up with a coworker, have everyone
Speaker 1: in the office see it, and then pretend like it
Speaker 1: never happened. It's like a whole past from HR. But
Speaker 1: the worst part is how they're on video joking about it.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's one thing to break your own rules,
Speaker 1: it's another thing to laugh about it. It's yet another
Speaker 1: thing to videotape it. It's like they're trying to win
Speaker 1: the dumbass Triathlon. If they manager scandal that badly. How
Speaker 1: did they handle the pandemic? What even worse? Total disaster?
Speaker 1: That makes sense. I do feel bad for them. You
Speaker 1: know that this whole thing came out a year later,
Speaker 1: because this scandal it's happening now, but the videos from
Speaker 1: a year ago, because I'm sure after the first six
Speaker 1: or eight months, they probably thought it was over. You know,
Speaker 1: they probably thought they've gotten away with it. It's almost
Speaker 1: like imagine if you were at work and then your
Speaker 1: eighth grade teacher walked in, like we finally tracked down
Speaker 1: whose gum that was under the desk. Mister, you're getting
Speaker 1: two weeks detention? What I'm thirty seven? Do you want
Speaker 1: it to be three? But let's move on to a
Speaker 1: politician who never even had the chance to face calls
Speaker 1: for her resignation. Hillary Clinton. Five years after somehow losing
Speaker 1: an election to the world's worst person, Hillary is hoping
Speaker 1: that her failures can become a teachable moment for the
Speaker 1: rest of us. Hillary Clinton, for the first time, sharing
Speaker 1: the victory speech she hoped to deliver in the presidential election.
Speaker 1: Clinton revisiting the speech as part of a masterclass video
Speaker 1: being released today on the topic of resilience. I've never
Speaker 1: shared this with anybody. I've never read it out loud.
Speaker 1: My fellow Americans, today you sent a message to the
Speaker 1: whole world. Our values endure, our democracy stands strong, and
Speaker 1: our motto re names e luribus union out of many
Speaker 1: one that's brutal. And the way she's sitting like that
Speaker 1: and she's reading it to us, it's like the world's
Speaker 1: most depressing fairy tale. Once upon a time and Ogre
Speaker 1: crushed the dreams of a princess, and nobody lived happily
Speaker 1: ever after the end. But yes, Hillary Clinton is giving
Speaker 1: a master class on resiliency that's now available everywhere except
Speaker 1: in Wisconsin for some reason. And in it, in it
Speaker 1: she reads the victory speech that she never got to deliver.
Speaker 1: And I really love how she's like, I've never shared
Speaker 1: this speech with anybody before. It was too painful. And
Speaker 1: you're paying me how much? Oh well, I guess I
Speaker 1: could read a few pages. And you know, if this
Speaker 1: is a thing that we're allowed to do, and someone
Speaker 1: pays you to do it, I also have speeches that
Speaker 1: I never got the chance to give. I got it
Speaker 1: right here. I am so honored to be named the
Speaker 1: m v P of the NBA Finals and just days
Speaker 1: after being awarded the Nobel Prize for World's Coolest penis.
Speaker 1: And look, yeah, you have to admit it's a little
Speaker 1: weird to teach a master class on the biggest loss
Speaker 1: of your life. I mean, because there's plenty of things
Speaker 1: that Hillary could teach a master class on. She's kicked
Speaker 1: as in so many things. It could be like the
Speaker 1: inner workings of Congress, or international relations or um. I
Speaker 1: don't want to say killing Jeffrey Epstein. Look, I'll say
Speaker 1: one thing. You'll never see Donald Trump doing this. He
Speaker 1: doesn't write backup speeches because whether he wins or loses,
Speaker 1: that dude gives the same speech. And my legal team
Speaker 1: completely destroyed the prosecution and I won the case totally.
Speaker 1: One what what's that lights out? Okay, night night Warden,
Speaker 1: See you guys, Manana Before we go, please consider supporting
Speaker 1: Vibrant Emotional Health. They're nonprofit dedicated to helping people achieve
Speaker 1: emotional well being and to giving them the support and
Speaker 1: the skills that they need to survive. So if you
Speaker 1: want to support them in their work, especially during the
Speaker 1: stressful holiday season, then please donate at the link below.
Speaker 1: Wat's the Daily Show weeknights at eleven tenth Central on
Speaker 1: Comedy Central. In stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast