1 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:06,160 Speaker 1: I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,119 Speaker 1: I spend time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:13,600 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:18,319 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with 6 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:42,599 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. There are two tenants that I believe 7 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 1: our present in every single relationship, even when we don't 8 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:51,000 Speaker 1: recognize it or understand it or believe that it's there. 9 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 1: There are two tenants. The first one is, if you 10 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:58,680 Speaker 1: want to know the end, look at the beginning. However 11 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:03,960 Speaker 1: that relationship ships started, it's gonna end up, but the 12 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:07,080 Speaker 1: same issue being present. So if you started dating a 13 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,480 Speaker 1: married person, when you leave, they're gonna be with a 14 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 1: married person, or you're gonna be with a married person. 15 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:14,600 Speaker 1: If you started the relationship on a lie, the lie 16 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,480 Speaker 1: is what's gonna take the relationship down. If you want 17 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:21,800 Speaker 1: to know the end, look at the beginning. Whatever your 18 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:27,880 Speaker 1: thoughts were, your feelings were, your behaviors, whatever you birth 19 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: that relationship in, it's gonna be in the coffin when 20 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 1: that relationship ends. That's that's one tenant. The other tenant 21 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:43,640 Speaker 1: is what shows up in the relationship is a function 22 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 1: of what's going on inside of you. If you've got 23 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 1: a belief in rejection, it's gonna show up. If you've 24 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:56,840 Speaker 1: got a belief in abandonment, it's gonna show up. If 25 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 1: you've got a belief that you're not a good enough 26 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:03,200 Speaker 1: or you're not enough, or that you can't trust people, 27 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:06,320 Speaker 1: it's gonna show up in the relationship. Because what you 28 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 1: put in the wash comes out in the watch. It 29 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:17,079 Speaker 1: just does. Listen, Welcome to the art spot. How can 30 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 1: I serve support assist you today and moving through relationship challenges? Um? Hi, okay, 31 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,679 Speaker 1: I'm so excited to meet you. Um, so I am 32 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:32,280 Speaker 1: having a problem with dating. Um it seems like every 33 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,440 Speaker 1: person that I meet, they seem to be like really 34 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:40,839 Speaker 1: really great and then they basically turned out to be abandoner. 35 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,600 Speaker 1: They abandoned me. Um, you know, I let my guard down, 36 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,040 Speaker 1: and then after I let my guard down, they just 37 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:53,240 Speaker 1: almost opposite. They turned like mean and I'm giving them 38 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 1: too much time and they need space, and then it's 39 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,960 Speaker 1: like once I try to give them everything that they want, 40 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,880 Speaker 1: it's like they just leave. It's like and they don't 41 00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 1: have any real explanation. Explanations. Besides, you know, this happened, 42 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,200 Speaker 1: and I just don't feel like it's just serving me. 43 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:11,200 Speaker 1: And I'm just like, I'm just really at the point 44 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,320 Speaker 1: to where I'm just shutting down and I don't know 45 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,359 Speaker 1: what to do. Like as far as being different, it's 46 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: like I want to give my off to somebody, but 47 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 1: it's like the moment that I do that, the moment 48 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,440 Speaker 1: I let my guard down and I do nice things 49 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:27,400 Speaker 1: for him. And like my past relationship that I just 50 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:30,000 Speaker 1: got out of, like I took her on this crazy trip, 51 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 1: you know, out the country and I put myself last. 52 00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:36,400 Speaker 1: I didn't even really do anything for my birthday, and 53 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,840 Speaker 1: she literally like told me she didn't want to be 54 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,560 Speaker 1: with me and long term, you know, after she told 55 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,120 Speaker 1: me before you know she It's just I don't know, 56 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 1: I just don't understand why I'm meeting people who just 57 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,040 Speaker 1: don't want to be with me long term. Because you 58 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,600 Speaker 1: don't want to be with you long term? How about that? 59 00:03:54,120 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 1: Oh okay, okay, I'm sorry to give it to you 60 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 1: like that, but you know, I'm the Matrix Is is 61 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,920 Speaker 1: one of my favorite movies and and so I I 62 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:14,440 Speaker 1: usually offer the bluepail first. Yeah, you don't want to 63 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: be with you long term. I just I didn't even 64 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,400 Speaker 1: do anything for my birthday. I took somebody else on 65 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:22,720 Speaker 1: the trip. Really, yes, why didn't you take you on 66 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,400 Speaker 1: a trip? Because if you don't want to be with you, 67 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:30,279 Speaker 1: why do you think anybody else wants to be with you? M? Yes, 68 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,679 Speaker 1: that makes sense. Let me ask you a question. Okay, 69 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:39,279 Speaker 1: would you marry you? Would you marry you? Yes? Okay? 70 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 1: Why why would you marry you? Um? Because I'm a 71 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 1: loving person and I'm there for whoever I'm with and 72 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:53,120 Speaker 1: UM permitted. I'm little, I'm understanding, and I try to 73 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:57,440 Speaker 1: be my best. I'm not perfect, but I try. M hmmm. 74 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:02,240 Speaker 1: So then why do you have a guard up? Oh? Um? 75 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:05,280 Speaker 1: I guess because people don't like I guess because I 76 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,839 Speaker 1: keep being left so it makes me feel insecure and 77 00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:14,960 Speaker 1: makes me feel like I'm not enough. So what if 78 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,479 Speaker 1: you believe you're insecure and not enough and you go 79 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,920 Speaker 1: looking for people to fill those holes for you, which 80 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,440 Speaker 1: then makes you needy and overwhelming, and they want to 81 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,400 Speaker 1: get the hell away from you as fast as they can. 82 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:37,119 Speaker 1: How about that? I've heard that, Moore, I have Oh yeah, 83 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: yeah it is. But you've been taking it in. It's 84 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 1: just that you're blaming it on other people. Wow, you're right, 85 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,200 Speaker 1: then look at it that way. What goes into the 86 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 1: wash comes out of the wash. If you put two 87 00:05:56,360 --> 00:06:00,440 Speaker 1: pair of socks and two bras and two pants and 88 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,960 Speaker 1: a shirt in the wash, what you're gonna get out 89 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,520 Speaker 1: is two pair of socks and two bras and a 90 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,480 Speaker 1: pair of two pair of pants and a shirt. That's 91 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,560 Speaker 1: what you're gonna get out the wah. Now there is 92 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:16,880 Speaker 1: a monster in the dryer. The drying monster will eat 93 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,560 Speaker 1: the socks. So we're not gonna talk about the dryer. 94 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:22,400 Speaker 1: We're gonna talk about the wash. If you put that 95 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: in the wash, that's what you're gonna get out of 96 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:28,479 Speaker 1: the wash. So what you put in the relationship is 97 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 1: what you're gonna get out of it. And what you're 98 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:36,800 Speaker 1: putting into your relationships, my beloved is a guard and 99 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,800 Speaker 1: a belief that you're going to be abandoned, and the 100 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:44,040 Speaker 1: belief that you're insecure and you're not good enough. So 101 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 1: then you'll overcompensate trying to hide those things and end 102 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,200 Speaker 1: up getting the very thing you believe in. I'm abandoned, 103 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: I'm going to be abandoned. I'm not enough. I'm not 104 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,040 Speaker 1: good enough, my papa. Now that I'm looking at it, 105 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,480 Speaker 1: you're right. How go in not feeling I'm enough? I 106 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 1: go in feeling insecure, and I feel like to keep them, 107 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,280 Speaker 1: I need to be pretty, I need to buy nice 108 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:08,440 Speaker 1: things for them, I need to give them what no 109 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 1: one has ever given them in the whole time. I 110 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 1: guess I'm really just trying to keep them from making 111 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 1: me feel like day feel. And what you do those 112 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:24,320 Speaker 1: things where you're trying to protect yourself. What you do 113 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 1: is it looks like, feels like. It could look like, 114 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:35,400 Speaker 1: feel like, sound like control. People don't like being controlled. 115 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,600 Speaker 1: Or it may look like sound like feel like you're 116 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 1: trying to buy their love. People don't like that. They 117 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,440 Speaker 1: want to give their love freely. And if you don't 118 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 1: want to be alone with you, then you'll spend an 119 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:54,000 Speaker 1: inordinate amount of time being with somebody else and it 120 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 1: could feel overwhelming and it makes you look needy, makes 121 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,560 Speaker 1: you look needy. So it sounds to me like you 122 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:05,320 Speaker 1: need to do a little self work here. I could 123 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: be wrong, because I do believe that you're loving, committed, 124 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,480 Speaker 1: and loyal, But I also believe see when you say 125 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 1: to me, I let my guard down. You take that 126 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,960 Speaker 1: guard into the relationship with you. You do too much. 127 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,280 Speaker 1: So what are I guess what are some things that 128 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,760 Speaker 1: I can do too? I've been trying to do self work. 129 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,320 Speaker 1: I've been following you for so many years, like since 130 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:37,800 Speaker 1: I was like twenty five and I'm thirty now, and um, 131 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,320 Speaker 1: I've I've been trying to do like a lot of 132 00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:46,440 Speaker 1: self work. And I guess I don't know. Like I'm 133 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:50,600 Speaker 1: trying to do like like I have a therapist and 134 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,839 Speaker 1: I'm trying to work out traumas that I dealt with 135 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:56,400 Speaker 1: as a kid, um, and I do a lot of 136 00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:01,840 Speaker 1: self reflection and stuff like that. But I guess I 137 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:06,560 Speaker 1: haven't did a lot with my I don't know if 138 00:09:06,559 --> 00:09:08,440 Speaker 1: I was doing it to please other people. Now that 139 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:15,120 Speaker 1: I think about it, Oh, look at that. Yeah, yeah, 140 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:20,040 Speaker 1: you might want to unpack the abandonment. Let's start here. 141 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 1: Let's start right here. Let's see if you can say 142 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,720 Speaker 1: this and feel this. It doesn't matter what you feel. 143 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,960 Speaker 1: Let's just see if you can say it and feel it. 144 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,320 Speaker 1: I am enough. See if you can say that and 145 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 1: tell me what you feel. I am enough. I am enough. 146 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,840 Speaker 1: Can you feel that anywhere in your body. I felt 147 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:50,319 Speaker 1: it in my upper chest. Okay, do you believe it? 148 00:09:50,320 --> 00:10:02,480 Speaker 1: It's scary. That would be a no. I want to 149 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:06,040 Speaker 1: like you want to, yeah, but you don't. Okay, and 150 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:17,440 Speaker 1: we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back 151 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,359 Speaker 1: to the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. 152 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:26,320 Speaker 1: Did mommy leave? Did daddy leave? Who left? Ye left? Yeah? Okay. 153 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,320 Speaker 1: I thought that I was over there. I thought that 154 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 1: I was in a better place. But I guess I 155 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:33,080 Speaker 1: just I guess I just focused on other things just 156 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:36,199 Speaker 1: to get me away from it, not deal with it. 157 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,600 Speaker 1: So you gotta unpack that. I really do matter. I 158 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,520 Speaker 1: don't need love from someone else to make me feel 159 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:46,160 Speaker 1: like i'm I'm a good like I'm enough. I'd say 160 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,679 Speaker 1: I'm enough. I'm gonna say good enough, but enough, Yeah 161 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,680 Speaker 1: I am enough. Here's another one. See if you can 162 00:10:52,679 --> 00:10:56,640 Speaker 1: say this and where you're feeling in your body? I matter? 163 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 1: I matter? Yeah, where do you feel that in your body? 164 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,920 Speaker 1: So that in my lower domino like right, right, and 165 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,560 Speaker 1: well like right, well my bellies kind of was like us. 166 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:13,640 Speaker 1: I feel more confident, confident in that matter. Yeah, I matter. 167 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:20,080 Speaker 1: I matter because I am enough. I matter because I 168 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:26,680 Speaker 1: am enough Where do you feel that recognize that you're enough. 169 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,360 Speaker 1: You don't have to buy love, you don't have to 170 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,720 Speaker 1: prove you're worthy of love. You don't even need love. 171 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:36,880 Speaker 1: You desire it and you want to share it. You're 172 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:43,400 Speaker 1: needing it right now, needing it to fill up some hole. Yeah, 173 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:48,640 Speaker 1: trying to prove that you're worthy of it. So I 174 00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:50,920 Speaker 1: want to recommend two things for you. You said you're 175 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 1: in therapy. Are you still in therapy? Yes, I'm in 176 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:58,440 Speaker 1: therapy every two weeks, okay. And what what do you 177 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:02,319 Speaker 1: know that your therapists modality or what they is it 178 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:07,240 Speaker 1: cognitive therapy? Isn't voice dialogue? What do you know what 179 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,679 Speaker 1: kind of therapy or And I don't know that. I 180 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:15,240 Speaker 1: know it's cognitive for sure, and family relationships and stuff. Um, 181 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 1: but basically I just kind of to be honest, maybe 182 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,360 Speaker 1: I need a new therapist because she kind of just asked, like, 183 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:25,080 Speaker 1: what's what's going on? And the questions that you're asking 184 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 1: and the stuff that I tell her is more of 185 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:31,720 Speaker 1: me just unloading myself on her and then her just 186 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,240 Speaker 1: saying okay, well we should reschedule. I want to make 187 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:40,160 Speaker 1: a recommendation. Okay, have you ever have you ever read 188 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:44,400 Speaker 1: One Day my Soul Just Opened Up. No, No, I've 189 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: never read it. Okay, it's a workbook, So I want 190 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:53,199 Speaker 1: to recommend you get a copy of One Day my 191 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:58,920 Speaker 1: Soul Just Opened Up. Okay, And in there you're gonna find, 192 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:07,440 Speaker 1: um M, you're gonna find forty different principles, and each 193 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 1: of those principles you're gonna have something to work through. 194 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,880 Speaker 1: And even if you want to do that work with 195 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:18,720 Speaker 1: your therapists, you know you can do that work through 196 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 1: that book. Work through One Day my Souldiers Opened Up, 197 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,920 Speaker 1: because it's gonna ask you some questions. It's going to 198 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 1: give you an opportunity to unload some things. And and 199 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:35,080 Speaker 1: what I'm sensing about you is that once something is 200 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:39,199 Speaker 1: opened up, you can drop right in and get information. 201 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 1: Like you just said, I don't know if I'm doing 202 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,360 Speaker 1: this for myself or for somebody else. You know, so 203 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:48,640 Speaker 1: you have access to the information. You might just need 204 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:55,960 Speaker 1: some support and opening up. Okay, Okay, that yeah, I 205 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: think that would be helpful for you. Start there. Start 206 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,840 Speaker 1: with One Day my Soul Just Opened Up, Because to me, 207 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:06,120 Speaker 1: you need to unpack this abandonment and to get on 208 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:11,160 Speaker 1: your enoughness and and stop running from the dark places 209 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:14,840 Speaker 1: inside of yourself because you you believe the abandonment. Like 210 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,920 Speaker 1: I said, what you put in the wash comes out, 211 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,520 Speaker 1: and if it comes out, that means you put it in. 212 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:25,240 Speaker 1: And let's get that. Let's get that guard now. Now 213 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 1: we're not talking about the dryer. So let's just stay 214 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,560 Speaker 1: with the wash right now. Okay, I can do that. 215 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:35,400 Speaker 1: I can do that, and so work through that and 216 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,000 Speaker 1: let's see what you come up with. And like I said, 217 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,960 Speaker 1: even if you work with your therapists on it, you know, 218 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:45,400 Speaker 1: and and have her help you see some things here 219 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: or if you want to change therapists or something cognitive 220 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:54,960 Speaker 1: is cognitive therapists is wonderful. I also like voice dialogue 221 00:14:55,240 --> 00:15:00,800 Speaker 1: unlike in a child. So there's a number of ways 222 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,840 Speaker 1: that you can do it. And now the good news 223 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,560 Speaker 1: is you can do therapy online. So yeah, that's a 224 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 1: good thing virtually. So start with one day my soul 225 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,280 Speaker 1: opens up. See how that works for you. See what 226 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 1: you get, dig down and don't date right now, give 227 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 1: me give yourself a little breathe on that until you 228 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:25,480 Speaker 1: get really comfortable with I matter because I'm enough, and 229 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,640 Speaker 1: I'm enough because I matter. I matter because you don't 230 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 1: need to be taking nobody else out the country, right, No, 231 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:47,720 Speaker 1: you wanna let somebody take you out the country, somebody 232 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 1: pay for you. Yeah, that would be that would be 233 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:55,000 Speaker 1: nice for one. But you've got some you've got some 234 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:59,360 Speaker 1: habits there that you've gotta break. So let's let's do 235 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,560 Speaker 1: some work and see what happened. I'm willing to do 236 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,680 Speaker 1: the work. There's somebody out there because I actually started 237 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:08,400 Speaker 1: dating someone and she's really great and she was wondering 238 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,800 Speaker 1: why I couldn't open up like that, and I didn't 239 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,320 Speaker 1: want to tell her because I didn't want to scare 240 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,240 Speaker 1: her off. I'm like, here we go again, But I 241 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 1: think I need to tell her, like I just don't 242 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,000 Speaker 1: need today. And she's a great person from what I see, 243 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,680 Speaker 1: but I don't want to hurt her because I'm not 244 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,200 Speaker 1: I'm not right, I'm not ready yet, So I say 245 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:30,400 Speaker 1: somebody else. Okay, good, And you saved yourself some money 246 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:37,440 Speaker 1: because who who knows what you'd be buying and where 247 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:44,080 Speaker 1: you'd be traveling to. Yeah. Yeah, because remember this, you're 248 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:49,960 Speaker 1: taking the guard into the relationship with you and even 249 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:54,640 Speaker 1: though you may not be thinking about it consciously, the energy, 250 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:58,400 Speaker 1: the vibration of it is attracting the very thing that 251 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 1: you don't want. Because I'm sure they all start out 252 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:05,640 Speaker 1: like nice people. They all start out, but then you're 253 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:08,719 Speaker 1: gonna get into your racket. You're gonna start your hustle 254 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:13,800 Speaker 1: of buying and overwhelming. And m let's clean up a 255 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,040 Speaker 1: little bit first, and you can tell her that, you 256 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,760 Speaker 1: know what, I've got some stuff I need to clean up, 257 00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:22,280 Speaker 1: not with people, but within myself so that we we 258 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:25,640 Speaker 1: would have a chance. Because here's the truth. If she's 259 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,240 Speaker 1: for you, she'll be there when you get yourself clear. 260 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,960 Speaker 1: You're right, I'm gonna say that y'all can be friends 261 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,480 Speaker 1: and talk. But right now, it's not good for you 262 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:40,520 Speaker 1: to take this any further. You don't want to reinfect 263 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:50,840 Speaker 1: yourself with your wonderfulness. I'll just call it wonderful. I 264 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 1: don't want to reinfect myself with this, you know, And 265 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 1: let me know how you do in the future. Okay, Well, 266 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:11,280 Speaker 1: thank you, appreciate it. Okay, and don't go nowhere with nobody. Okay. Alright, 267 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:18,439 Speaker 1: my love, When we face certain challenges in relationships, we 268 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:22,240 Speaker 1: want to blame the other person. So here's my third 269 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:30,040 Speaker 1: tenant about relationships. It's all about you. Boo, It's all 270 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 1: about you. I don't care what the other person does 271 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:37,080 Speaker 1: or didn't do, or says or doesn't say. It's all 272 00:18:37,119 --> 00:18:40,520 Speaker 1: about you. So if you want to know the end, 273 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:45,360 Speaker 1: why your relationship and the way they do, or why 274 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:49,159 Speaker 1: you end up where you end up in relationships, go 275 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,159 Speaker 1: back to the beginning and look at the state of 276 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:56,200 Speaker 1: your mind, look at the state of your heart, look 277 00:18:56,240 --> 00:19:01,800 Speaker 1: at the state of your life. In fact, my next 278 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:08,320 Speaker 1: caller is a prime example of what goes in comes out. 279 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:12,959 Speaker 1: Thank you for your patients, welcome to the art spot. 280 00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:17,840 Speaker 1: Oh my god, and what is your relationship issue? I've 281 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:22,800 Speaker 1: always been a hopeless romantic type of person. But I'm 282 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,679 Speaker 1: getting old. I'm twoint typing, I'm getting old. I'm a 283 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:31,160 Speaker 1: single mom. Um, I'm so Chicago, and my sons dad, 284 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:35,120 Speaker 1: he is deceased. Um, so data for me has kind 285 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:39,720 Speaker 1: of been like an adventure. Um, I've just been thinking lately, 286 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:42,560 Speaker 1: and it's funny. I was scrolling down Instagram and I've 287 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,359 Speaker 1: seen your post and I'm like, I should just call her. 288 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,760 Speaker 1: This month alone, I've had a lot of time to 289 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,560 Speaker 1: like reflect on my own life. You know, me as 290 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 1: a mom, me as a person, me as a being 291 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:56,399 Speaker 1: he is on my spiritual journey and everything. And I 292 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,800 Speaker 1: just don't know if I have it in me to 293 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,240 Speaker 1: like being a relationship. And it's I want to know, 294 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:06,200 Speaker 1: is just something normal at this age, or because I've 295 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:10,480 Speaker 1: been betrayed so much by men, I don't know if 296 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 1: I have the capacity. Two, I don't know. I don't 297 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,800 Speaker 1: know if it's me or if it's just a man 298 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,159 Speaker 1: I'm choosing, or I don't know what it is. I 299 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,919 Speaker 1: just want to know from your perspective, Um, what do 300 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:28,520 Speaker 1: you like? Do you think I should consider love? Well, 301 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,240 Speaker 1: let me ask you this, do you think you should 302 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:36,480 Speaker 1: consider love? I like to entertain the idea, but I've 303 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:41,320 Speaker 1: been shown so many times over and over again that 304 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:45,360 Speaker 1: either I'm not enough or I don't know. It's just 305 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:49,400 Speaker 1: like it makes me kind of um create this idea 306 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:53,359 Speaker 1: of men and boys and guys and their jeans in general, 307 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,680 Speaker 1: Like it just makes me think, Okay, men just they 308 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,840 Speaker 1: just gonna cheat, They just gonna they always want the 309 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,720 Speaker 1: beast and always want more and more and more. And 310 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,760 Speaker 1: you can't trust him around your friends, your family or anything. 311 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,720 Speaker 1: That's just my idea, and I haven't I mean, I've 312 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:12,479 Speaker 1: seen even with like celebrity relationships and stuff that I 313 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:17,040 Speaker 1: look up to an admire. Um, I see those things 314 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,199 Speaker 1: and I said, Okay, those okay, maybe it's possible, but 315 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:23,520 Speaker 1: who knows, even when you know everybody, everybody's a human, 316 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,280 Speaker 1: so um it just kind of puts me in a 317 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,520 Speaker 1: mode where I'm just like, man, I don't think this 318 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,560 Speaker 1: is gonna be realistic for me. Maybe I am just 319 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:35,920 Speaker 1: gonna be that black single mom, you know, even even 320 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,879 Speaker 1: in the future, Like I'm gonna be like a hundred 321 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:42,800 Speaker 1: years old by myself. And is that okay? Is that okay? 322 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,480 Speaker 1: Is it okay? If that's what you choose, it's okay. 323 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:50,800 Speaker 1: I am single right now by choice. I am absolutely 324 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:55,840 Speaker 1: single by choice. I've been in relationships. I've been married 325 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:59,880 Speaker 1: three times, twice to the same person. But I never 326 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,960 Speaker 1: gave up on love because I never gave up on myself. 327 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:08,879 Speaker 1: But when I started having a repetitive issue in a relationship, 328 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 1: I had to ask myself, so, ian Love, why would 329 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:16,879 Speaker 1: somebody do this to you? Why would somebody do this 330 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:21,679 Speaker 1: to you? Why would you have this experience in your life? 331 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:27,200 Speaker 1: And then I changed that question into ian La, how 332 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:33,080 Speaker 1: do you do this to yourself? How do you abandon yourself. 333 00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:36,960 Speaker 1: How do you betray yourself? How do you reject yourself? 334 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:41,600 Speaker 1: How do you disrespect yourself? How do you dishonor yourself? 335 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:47,040 Speaker 1: Yan Lam? Because I know whatever I draw to me, 336 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,879 Speaker 1: it's going to be a function of who I am. 337 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:56,040 Speaker 1: So when I started looking at how I was emotionally dishonest, 338 00:22:56,160 --> 00:23:00,840 Speaker 1: how I was um expecting less of myself, how I 339 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:05,880 Speaker 1: was betraying myself, how I was disrespecting myself. And when 340 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:08,920 Speaker 1: I found those things in me and clean that up, 341 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,199 Speaker 1: I started having different kinds of relationships, not just with 342 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,720 Speaker 1: the men that I was intimate with, but also with 343 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:21,159 Speaker 1: my friends, with my family. There are some people I 344 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 1: had to let go of. There are some things that 345 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,760 Speaker 1: I had to stop doing because if I didn't want 346 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:31,240 Speaker 1: to attract it, I couldn't be it because I'm only 347 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:35,080 Speaker 1: gonna draw to me what I am, what I'm thinking, 348 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: what I'm feeling, and what I'm doing. Now, that's just 349 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:43,080 Speaker 1: what I did. Now you might have some other ideas, Wow, 350 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,840 Speaker 1: how have you betrayed yourself? How have you let yourself down? 351 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:52,440 Speaker 1: How have you dishonored yourself? How have you disrespected yourself? 352 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,080 Speaker 1: And it don't have to be big things little things. 353 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,439 Speaker 1: How many times have you said I'm not gonna do 354 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,400 Speaker 1: something and then you do it? Or how any times 355 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 1: have you said I'm going to do something and then 356 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:08,680 Speaker 1: you don't do it. That's called betrayal. Yeah, I just yeah, 357 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:12,119 Speaker 1: I've done a lot to myself, honestly. Uh it's I 358 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:15,320 Speaker 1: believe maybe because I was growing up. It's so weird. 359 00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:18,080 Speaker 1: It was like I've had the best I wouldn't even 360 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,720 Speaker 1: say the best of both worlds with everything. But my 361 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:24,159 Speaker 1: life is kind of different from a lot of people. 362 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,119 Speaker 1: And I've been a daddy was daughter before too, And 363 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,960 Speaker 1: I remember watching especial and you guys discussed it that 364 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,919 Speaker 1: there were situations where there were daddy's over there, but 365 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,560 Speaker 1: they weren't there. I had a step dead that was there. 366 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:40,439 Speaker 1: But I don't believe he represented a male figure in 367 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,720 Speaker 1: a positive light. I mean he he did he could financially, 368 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:47,399 Speaker 1: but um, I don't know if and it wasn't his 369 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 1: job to fulfill that. You know, my my real father 370 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,840 Speaker 1: was incarcerated because I was two years old. So it 371 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:58,199 Speaker 1: was a lot of things that you know now that 372 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,879 Speaker 1: I reflect back, and I even like my college stays 373 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,080 Speaker 1: or you know, just growing up in high school, I 374 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:09,119 Speaker 1: was battling myself. I felt like Hannah, my fama like, 375 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,600 Speaker 1: is this me? Or is it? She like? I don't. 376 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:15,040 Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know what to present to the 377 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,359 Speaker 1: world and to to these people. I don't know what 378 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:21,639 Speaker 1: to prevent this guy. I don't. I guess you know 379 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,959 Speaker 1: what I ada. Maybe I didn't know who I was. 380 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,680 Speaker 1: Maybe that's what it was. I don't know. But can 381 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,840 Speaker 1: I ask you a questions? Where did you see or 382 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:35,880 Speaker 1: learn how to be in a loving, healthy, fulfilling, satisfying relationship. 383 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:41,359 Speaker 1: So Um, I did live with my aunt um in 384 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:45,760 Speaker 1: high school, and she was I would consider that happily married, 385 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,800 Speaker 1: but it was really like they they're not married today, 386 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,359 Speaker 1: but they were very happy and I never seen like 387 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:54,680 Speaker 1: the rough rounds of their relationship when they were about 388 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,480 Speaker 1: to divorce or anything like that. So I would say 389 00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:01,760 Speaker 1: that was a good example, but it probably wasn't even 390 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:06,320 Speaker 1: the best example. Honestly, here's the thing, you lived with 391 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,639 Speaker 1: your aunt. That means that there was a breakdown in 392 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:16,560 Speaker 1: your foundational family. Isn't that accurate? Okay, So that's a problem. 393 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,240 Speaker 1: The matter of fact that you had to be displaced 394 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:27,200 Speaker 1: from your primary relationship, your primary family relationship in order 395 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:32,480 Speaker 1: to see another relationship is a problem. Anything may have 396 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:36,679 Speaker 1: been better than where you were, you know, so you 397 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:40,000 Speaker 1: don't even know how to measure good from not good. 398 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:45,399 Speaker 1: If your basic if your foundation was already jacked up. Ye, 399 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:51,000 Speaker 1: and I've had that discussion with my mother and she 400 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:56,199 Speaker 1: disagrees with me your question. It's just so intriguing. I 401 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 1: I don't know if I have it in me to 402 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:02,480 Speaker 1: be in a relation and ships. So what do we 403 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,960 Speaker 1: do now? We'll talk about that right after this break. 404 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:18,359 Speaker 1: Welcome back. I am y' len. This is the our spot. 405 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:23,480 Speaker 1: I want to read something to you, okay. It's from 406 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:28,399 Speaker 1: a book called Until Today Daily Devotions for Spiritual Growth 407 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:33,240 Speaker 1: and Peace of Mind. Until Today the date the book 408 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:36,600 Speaker 1: is dated. You know, every day there's a there's a 409 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:40,520 Speaker 1: message for you, something to think about, something to consider. 410 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:47,080 Speaker 1: I'm reading to you from July and it says I 411 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:54,040 Speaker 1: will gain more understanding when I realize exactly where I am. 412 00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:58,000 Speaker 1: It's exactly where I need to be. So I want 413 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,920 Speaker 1: to say to you that exactly where you are today 414 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:05,160 Speaker 1: at seven, as you say you're getting old, I got 415 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,520 Speaker 1: underwear older than you. But that's a whole another conversation 416 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,440 Speaker 1: It says, how many days of the week do you 417 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:18,359 Speaker 1: spend wondering why you are not further along than where 418 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,760 Speaker 1: you are? How many days of the week do you 419 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:25,399 Speaker 1: spend wondering why you're not further along? How many days? 420 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:32,520 Speaker 1: I would say seven days a week? Okay, all right, 421 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:36,679 Speaker 1: here's the next line. If thinking about it where you 422 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:42,520 Speaker 1: are makes you angry or frustrated, you are definitely not 423 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:48,240 Speaker 1: on the right track, because exactly where you are is 424 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:54,080 Speaker 1: where you need to be. Exactly where is that that 425 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:58,120 Speaker 1: you think you need to be? Exactly where is it 426 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:01,360 Speaker 1: that you think you need to be other than exactly 427 00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:06,520 Speaker 1: where you are? Having these questions, having these experiences, going 428 00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:09,120 Speaker 1: through these things, where do you think you should be? 429 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:13,200 Speaker 1: And why isn't where you are just fine? I'm trying 430 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:16,840 Speaker 1: to figure it out. You can only be where you are. 431 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,800 Speaker 1: You can only be where you are, and it is 432 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:23,280 Speaker 1: up to you to make the best of it. You 433 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:26,920 Speaker 1: cannot get to where you are going until you have 434 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:31,520 Speaker 1: learned all there is to learn about where you are. 435 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:38,560 Speaker 1: There's always powerful, insightful, sometimes shocking things that we need 436 00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:43,920 Speaker 1: to know about the ourselves. Those lessons are not over there. 437 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,360 Speaker 1: The things you need to know about you are right 438 00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:52,760 Speaker 1: where you are. So instead of wondering if you're gonna 439 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:56,120 Speaker 1: find love down the road, why not look at what 440 00:29:56,160 --> 00:30:00,080 Speaker 1: you're learning right where you are. Are you learning to 441 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:03,480 Speaker 1: be by yourself? Are you learning to be with yourself? 442 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,880 Speaker 1: Are you learning the mistakes that you've made in relationships? 443 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:10,160 Speaker 1: Are you learning why you go into relationships, how you 444 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,320 Speaker 1: go into relationships. Are you learning how to be a 445 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,959 Speaker 1: better mom? Are you learning how to be a better woman? 446 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:21,040 Speaker 1: Because as you age or as you mature, you don't 447 00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:24,360 Speaker 1: want to be next year the same person you are 448 00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:27,400 Speaker 1: this year. But what are you changing? What are you growing? 449 00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:31,000 Speaker 1: What are you shifting? And that's the value in the 450 00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:36,160 Speaker 1: beauty of of being twenty seven. You know you're in 451 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:41,040 Speaker 1: your twenties. So there are lessons, and there are blessings, 452 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,520 Speaker 1: and there are gifts, and there are challenges that you 453 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:48,360 Speaker 1: need to clean up at twenty that you don't take 454 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:51,160 Speaker 1: in the thirty. Maybe it's not time for you to 455 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:54,320 Speaker 1: be in a relationship, that's why you're not in one. 456 00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:59,520 Speaker 1: So so the question is what are you learning where 457 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:02,720 Speaker 1: you are are that will make you better? You see, 458 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:07,280 Speaker 1: in the ancient days, the grandmothers, the wise women, would 459 00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:10,200 Speaker 1: take the young women away and they would teach them 460 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:13,280 Speaker 1: things and show them things. We don't do that anymore. 461 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:16,320 Speaker 1: That's what you're talking about in terms of your But 462 00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:18,880 Speaker 1: there are other things that you know, what's your vision? 463 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:25,160 Speaker 1: What is your vision? And what is your gift? I 464 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:29,320 Speaker 1: have so many of them? Um, I would if I could, 465 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:35,200 Speaker 1: um actually walking like the footsteps of you. Honestly, Um, 466 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,640 Speaker 1: I feel like I've been through a lot. Um I've 467 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:43,320 Speaker 1: witnessed a lot uh with my surrounding family and friends, 468 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:48,600 Speaker 1: and I just I'm into socialism, like I'm into the psyche. 469 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:52,160 Speaker 1: I'm into why. I want to know why people feel 470 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,040 Speaker 1: how they feel? Why do I feel how I feel? 471 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,480 Speaker 1: And if I was to do something in life, I 472 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,560 Speaker 1: would want to heal. That's all I know about, Like 473 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:04,880 Speaker 1: what my vision? Are you in school? Are you studying psychology? 474 00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:10,640 Speaker 1: Are you investigating healing modalities? I mean, you know, see 475 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:14,719 Speaker 1: your your twenty seven and if we were going to 476 00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:20,320 Speaker 1: do your rights of passage? You know, every every age 477 00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 1: psychle for a woman is a right of passage. So 478 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:29,720 Speaker 1: in your twenties there are things it's called the bride era. 479 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:33,320 Speaker 1: That's probably why you're thinking about marriage, because in our 480 00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,920 Speaker 1: twenties is when our spirit or heart. A soul is 481 00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:41,720 Speaker 1: really best suited for marriage because you're looking for a companionship. 482 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,880 Speaker 1: That's your role and in your twenties is to be 483 00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:49,840 Speaker 1: a companion. Your blessing in your twenties is just to 484 00:32:49,920 --> 00:32:54,360 Speaker 1: be open and receptive, not to try to, you know, 485 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:58,960 Speaker 1: attach yourself to anything in anyone, but just be receptive. 486 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:06,920 Speaker 1: Receptive to spirit, receptive to people, receptive to ideas. That's 487 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:11,240 Speaker 1: your energy. That's your role at twenty. Your gift at 488 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:15,400 Speaker 1: the age of twenty again, which is probably why it's 489 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:19,200 Speaker 1: coming up for you, it is commitment. Learning how to 490 00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:23,920 Speaker 1: be committed, how to stay committed first to yourself, not 491 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:28,240 Speaker 1: to somebody else, but first to yourself. Are you committed 492 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,520 Speaker 1: to your goal? Are you committed to your vision? Are 493 00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,920 Speaker 1: you committed to your dream? Are you committed to your values? 494 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:38,520 Speaker 1: Learning how to be committed? That's your gift at twenty 495 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:41,240 Speaker 1: that's when you grow that. So when you say that 496 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:44,120 Speaker 1: you're in and out of these relationships with people who 497 00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:48,280 Speaker 1: betray you or whatever, it's because you're attracting people who 498 00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:53,200 Speaker 1: don't have commitment. And it's probably because you don't have commitment. 499 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:57,960 Speaker 1: You know, what if you started and not finished, what 500 00:33:57,960 --> 00:34:00,920 Speaker 1: what have you spoken and then not followed up on? 501 00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:04,160 Speaker 1: What do you want that you've not taken action on? 502 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:09,400 Speaker 1: That is commitment. Your lesson at the age of twenty 503 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:16,080 Speaker 1: is inner authority not outer inner inner authority? How do 504 00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:18,959 Speaker 1: I author what it is that I need and want 505 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:23,480 Speaker 1: and desire within myself? And then what actions do I 506 00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:27,279 Speaker 1: take to make those things happen? So, don't want to 507 00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:30,920 Speaker 1: be like me, want to be like you and do 508 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:34,200 Speaker 1: it the way you do it. But have you been trained? 509 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,719 Speaker 1: Have you gone to school? Have you have you looked 510 00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:41,239 Speaker 1: at maybe becoming a psychologist or a guidance counselor. And 511 00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:43,719 Speaker 1: if you don't want to go to traditional school, have 512 00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:47,400 Speaker 1: you studied, like I said, any healing modalities? Have you 513 00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:51,960 Speaker 1: studied anything that will help you bring forward? The gift? 514 00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:56,680 Speaker 1: Your grace at the age of twenty meaning what life 515 00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:02,600 Speaker 1: in the universe gives you is port your twenty You 516 00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:06,440 Speaker 1: know people want to support you, Women want to support you. 517 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,960 Speaker 1: They they want to assist you and grow with you. 518 00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:12,880 Speaker 1: You know, are you open to support? If you're just 519 00:35:13,120 --> 00:35:16,880 Speaker 1: looking at your birth family for support, you probably won't 520 00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:21,440 Speaker 1: find it. So where else can you get support? What organizations? 521 00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:26,840 Speaker 1: What people, what books, what classes? And what you're learning 522 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:32,040 Speaker 1: in your heart at twenty is tenderness, tenderness, how to 523 00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:35,560 Speaker 1: be tender with yourself, with your son, with people. What 524 00:35:35,719 --> 00:35:39,680 Speaker 1: you're speaking with your thinking and what you have to 525 00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:46,360 Speaker 1: heal at twenty is resistance. Resistance, not to be resistant 526 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:50,239 Speaker 1: to lessons, not to be resistent to hard times, not 527 00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:54,120 Speaker 1: to be resistant to good times. So, like I said, 528 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:57,520 Speaker 1: you don't, Maybe that's what I need to do. I 529 00:35:57,600 --> 00:36:00,120 Speaker 1: need to do these rights of passage for women and 530 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:04,160 Speaker 1: so that you can be clear about where you are 531 00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 1: at twenty. You are nowhere. There old. I'm telling you 532 00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:13,120 Speaker 1: I got underwear older than you. But learn to be 533 00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:18,400 Speaker 1: where you are. Learn to be where you are, be 534 00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:24,239 Speaker 1: twenty seven, be single, be a mom, and what can 535 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:28,640 Speaker 1: you learn and what are you committed to? And what 536 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:33,680 Speaker 1: is important for you and what brings you joy? That's 537 00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:36,040 Speaker 1: what you've got to do right now. Does that make 538 00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:39,640 Speaker 1: sense to you? It makes perfect sense. In your twenties, 539 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:44,000 Speaker 1: you know what you're what they call the archetype. You're 540 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:47,680 Speaker 1: a princess. You're a princess. You're not even a full 541 00:36:47,719 --> 00:36:52,400 Speaker 1: grown woman, yet you're a princess. And that's how you 542 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,000 Speaker 1: should treat yourself and how you want to be treated 543 00:36:55,280 --> 00:37:00,279 Speaker 1: and the princess she she don't run the kingdom. And 544 00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:04,439 Speaker 1: unfortunately for many of our princesses are twenty year old. 545 00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:07,120 Speaker 1: You know, daddy's not there, or mommy's not there, or 546 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:10,439 Speaker 1: uncle's are not there, and they've seen and gone through 547 00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:13,719 Speaker 1: things in their teens and twenties that they shouldn't even 548 00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:18,640 Speaker 1: have to face until lift fifty or sixty. So I 549 00:37:18,719 --> 00:37:21,760 Speaker 1: want to say to you, don't give up on love, 550 00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:26,720 Speaker 1: because that would be giving up on yourself. But get 551 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:31,600 Speaker 1: clear about how you want to be loved, and then 552 00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:36,480 Speaker 1: love yourself that way, and then somebody else will show 553 00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:39,040 Speaker 1: up to share it with you. Um, what is her 554 00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:42,800 Speaker 1: advice for dating as a mother? What am I to 555 00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:46,879 Speaker 1: look for in a man who I guess fulfill my son? 556 00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:50,640 Speaker 1: Am I dating for myself anymore? Yes you are. You're 557 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:53,080 Speaker 1: not dating for your son. You're dating no, have nothing 558 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:55,800 Speaker 1: to do with him. The first thing you want is 559 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,239 Speaker 1: a man who has a good relationship with his mother. 560 00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:00,520 Speaker 1: If he don't have a good relations and ship with 561 00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:07,799 Speaker 1: his mother, run screaming from the room. You want a 562 00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:10,720 Speaker 1: man that has a good relationship with his mother, because 563 00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:13,000 Speaker 1: if he doesn't, he's not gonna know how to treat you. 564 00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:17,840 Speaker 1: That's number one. You want a man with a vision. 565 00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:23,719 Speaker 1: What is he What does he see for himself? What 566 00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:26,319 Speaker 1: does he see for his life? You don't want a 567 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:29,920 Speaker 1: man that's hoping, wishing or trying. If he's hoping, wishing 568 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:37,600 Speaker 1: or trying, run screaming from the room. Okay, even in Chicago, 569 00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:41,880 Speaker 1: they're beautiful young man who have a vision, who have 570 00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:45,840 Speaker 1: a sense of clarity. Yeah. So you want him to 571 00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:49,480 Speaker 1: have a good relationship with his mom, or if he 572 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:52,080 Speaker 1: if he's not with his mom, if he has children, 573 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,440 Speaker 1: with his children's mom. You want a man who has 574 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:57,759 Speaker 1: a good relationship with women. And you find that out 575 00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:00,759 Speaker 1: before you give up the cookies. You don't give up 576 00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:03,439 Speaker 1: no cookies, the no man that don't have a good 577 00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:07,239 Speaker 1: relationship with his mother. Okay, So you want him and 578 00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:09,600 Speaker 1: you want him to have a vision. And then, and 579 00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:12,880 Speaker 1: I know this may sound real strange, what is he 580 00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:17,000 Speaker 1: bringing to the table? As women, we gotta stop letting 581 00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:20,160 Speaker 1: guys come to our table with their tongue hanging out 582 00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:23,440 Speaker 1: instead of guys who are coming with a bloaf of 583 00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:26,239 Speaker 1: bread or a bottle of wine or you know, the 584 00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:30,600 Speaker 1: plates or something. We keep letting men pull a chair 585 00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:33,000 Speaker 1: up to our table, and they don't have nothing to offer. 586 00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:37,160 Speaker 1: What is he offering? You? See, this is the grandma 587 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:41,160 Speaker 1: talking right now, this is Auntie talking. And if you 588 00:39:41,239 --> 00:39:44,239 Speaker 1: gotta be willing to stay by yourself until you find 589 00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:47,120 Speaker 1: a man that has a good relationship with his mother 590 00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:49,600 Speaker 1: or the women in his life, until you find a 591 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:54,960 Speaker 1: man that has a vision for himself and one who's hoping, trying, waiting. No, 592 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:58,720 Speaker 1: you don't want that, and a man who's bringing something 593 00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:02,560 Speaker 1: to the table so that he is coming to enrich 594 00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:07,680 Speaker 1: your life, because your presence is going to enriches And 595 00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:17,960 Speaker 1: until that happens, no nookie for you, No nookie. I 596 00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:21,880 Speaker 1: hope I haven't said too much. I'm writing everything down 597 00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:25,000 Speaker 1: and I'm still trying to talk that I'm on the 598 00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:32,120 Speaker 1: phone with you. It's right now. Well, thank you so much, 599 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,800 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Yeah, take care of you. Focus 600 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:40,839 Speaker 1: on you right now. Focus on you and be okay 601 00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:45,759 Speaker 1: with where you are. And give yourself the things that 602 00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:48,960 Speaker 1: you want somebody else to give you. Give yourself time, 603 00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:52,760 Speaker 1: give yourself little gifts. Take yourself on a little trip, 604 00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:56,640 Speaker 1: even if it's a train ride up to Detroit. You know, 605 00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:02,120 Speaker 1: focus on you and your son. Teach your son what 606 00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:04,680 Speaker 1: it looks like to be a happy woman so that 607 00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:08,160 Speaker 1: he don't, you know, attract women who are sad and 608 00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:15,880 Speaker 1: sorrowful and angry and whatever. Listen, tell me one person 609 00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:18,280 Speaker 1: that you have in your life that you know loves 610 00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:21,640 Speaker 1: and respects and honors you. My son, okay, how old 611 00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:27,000 Speaker 1: is he? Okay? He? No? Not him? Somebody else, somebody 612 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:32,080 Speaker 1: with a job. Are you spinking like in friends or like? 613 00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:37,040 Speaker 1: Can I include parents? Yeah? Friends or parents or whoever? 614 00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:39,680 Speaker 1: Somebody you know that loves and respects and wants the 615 00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:41,960 Speaker 1: best for you. I would probably say my mom and 616 00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:46,759 Speaker 1: my dad. Okay, So ask your mom to buy you 617 00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:52,120 Speaker 1: a copy of Until Today. It's a book. I want 618 00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:57,640 Speaker 1: somebody to give that to you. So you ask your 619 00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:00,080 Speaker 1: bomb and your dad. You don't want it on on. 620 00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:04,800 Speaker 1: You want the book Until Today. And that book is 621 00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:07,840 Speaker 1: going to give you something to read and reflect on 622 00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:12,960 Speaker 1: every single day. All Right, You do that, and you worked. 623 00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:17,000 Speaker 1: You work through that book and be okay with where 624 00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:21,040 Speaker 1: you are so that you can get to where you're going. 625 00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:26,239 Speaker 1: Get clear about your vision and start taking steps toward it. 626 00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:31,160 Speaker 1: And don't be trying to date nobody who ain't bringing 627 00:42:31,200 --> 00:42:38,520 Speaker 1: nothing to your table and don't give nobody no nookie. 628 00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:41,399 Speaker 1: I knew I was gonna get everything I needed from 629 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:45,520 Speaker 1: talking to you, So okay, all right, thank you so much, 630 00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:52,400 Speaker 1: bye bye, goodbye. It just comes a time when we 631 00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:56,400 Speaker 1: all need to understand and assess why we so desperately 632 00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:59,759 Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship. Sometimes you need to 633 00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:05,480 Speaker 1: be by yourself, and sometimes you don't want to be 634 00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:09,640 Speaker 1: by yourself so badly till you're running into a relationship 635 00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:14,600 Speaker 1: to get away from you. That's not gonna work. Why 636 00:43:14,719 --> 00:43:18,000 Speaker 1: do we want to be in relationships? What is it 637 00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:20,320 Speaker 1: that we're looking for? What is it that we're seeking, 638 00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:22,719 Speaker 1: What is it that we think we're gonna get that 639 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:26,439 Speaker 1: we don't already have, because trust me, if you don't 640 00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:28,600 Speaker 1: already have it, you're not gonna get it and you're 641 00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:31,920 Speaker 1: not gonna find it. That is the hardest concept for 642 00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:34,880 Speaker 1: people to understand that if you don't want to be 643 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:38,160 Speaker 1: with you, neither does anybody else. And the minute they 644 00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:39,799 Speaker 1: find out they don't want to be with you, they're 645 00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:42,040 Speaker 1: gonna go running for the hills. And then you make 646 00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:46,840 Speaker 1: it all about them and feeling bad. Why isn't being 647 00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:51,920 Speaker 1: with you enough? Because I believe that when being with 648 00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:56,520 Speaker 1: you is enough, someone will come to fill your cup 649 00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:59,920 Speaker 1: to overflow. I hope this has been helpful to someone, 650 00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:03,320 Speaker 1: and if you have a question about this or any 651 00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:07,600 Speaker 1: other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven 652 00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:11,319 Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now 653 00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:14,160 Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all 654 00:44:14,239 --> 00:44:17,880 Speaker 1: of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace 655 00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:26,920 Speaker 1: and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of 656 00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:31,600 Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more 657 00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:35,880 Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, 658 00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:40,040 Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.