Speaker 1: Charges. That's created by Poor Delays and Control Media. It's
Speaker 1: produced by dB Podcasts in association with I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: This time a former Son's player who you might remember
Speaker 1: as t Rex. More video in just a moment, But
Speaker 1: this is Rex Chapman's mug Shaun, and we are learning
Speaker 1: a lot more about the charger. Charger. But I don't
Speaker 1: remember another positive thing. It's because of how I dealt
Speaker 1: with it. One moment ended it for him. No, I
Speaker 1: don't party right. I don't waste my high on anybody else.
Speaker 1: It's mine and mine alone. And if I can't be high,
Speaker 1: I want to be dead. That's where I was. My
Speaker 1: attic brain heard not only you a terrible football player,
Speaker 1: but you are a awful human being. Welcome to Charges.
Speaker 1: I'm your host, Rex Chapman. Today on the podcast, we
Speaker 1: have a guest who, in a lot of ways should
Speaker 1: be an inspiration to people. But we'll get into why later.
Speaker 1: Today we welcome a former Charger to Charges. For those
Speaker 1: people who don't know, Ryan Leaf was a football prodigy,
Speaker 1: an absolute stud in high school from a small town
Speaker 1: in Montana. He's literally the only person from Montana to
Speaker 1: be drafted in the first ground of the modern day NFL.
Speaker 1: He went to Washington State and finished third in the
Speaker 1: Heisman Race behind future Hall of famers Charles Woodson and
Speaker 1: Peyton Manning. Ryan became the number two pick in the
Speaker 1: NFL Draft, behind Peyton Manning too, then San Diego Chargers.
Speaker 1: He started his career to and Oh, the first rookie
Speaker 1: to do that in sixteen years, the first rookie since
Speaker 1: John Elway. So in almost every way up, pure stud
Speaker 1: absolute talent. But as we all know, it isn't just
Speaker 1: physical ability that matters in life or sports. There are
Speaker 1: so many other factors to consider, mental health, surroundings, expectations,
Speaker 1: and today we're gonna talk with Ryan about his incredible
Speaker 1: rise and then what happens when things don't go as
Speaker 1: expected or as anticipated. Also, Ryan and I share a
Speaker 1: history with painkillers and opioids. Will talk about if you
Speaker 1: or a loved one is struggling, I want you to
Speaker 1: know there's help out there and we're here for you.
Speaker 1: You are not alone, man, Brian, Ryan Leaf, I'm honored
Speaker 1: really to have you joined here today. I know that
Speaker 1: this some of this stuff it's not comfortable or pleasant
Speaker 1: to talk about um, but man, I'm excited to talk
Speaker 1: to you today. Well, I think, I think once you
Speaker 1: find acceptance in it, it's emotionally draining. Don't get me wrong,
Speaker 1: but you know, it's so free to tell your truth.
Speaker 1: It just is now. Um, you're not telling lies, you're
Speaker 1: not covering things up, You're just this is who I am.
Speaker 1: I'm okay with it. You don't like it, you know,
Speaker 1: too bad? Well it? You know. I obviously I knew
Speaker 1: you from football watching. You were kind of coming in
Speaker 1: as I was exiting my pro career, so I followed
Speaker 1: you as a college player and then on into the pros,
Speaker 1: and then of course, you know with things that went
Speaker 1: on afterwards. But as I was reading up on you
Speaker 1: the last few weeks, um, so much of it really
Speaker 1: resonated with me and I. You're from Great Falls, Montana.
Speaker 1: How big is Great Falls? It's it's small, you know,
Speaker 1: it's it's small for anywhere else. It's fairly large for Montana,
Speaker 1: and I think around sixty people. It's about the same.
Speaker 1: I grew up in Owensboro, Kentucky, in a town of
Speaker 1: about fifty five sixty thousand people, and it was a
Speaker 1: great sports town. But from a very young age, I
Speaker 1: was like the best you know, in the grade and
Speaker 1: in the school and all of that. And I lived
Speaker 1: my whole life by the statue sheet and whether we
Speaker 1: won or lost, and that was my whole identity. So
Speaker 1: when I was studying up on some of your stuff,
Speaker 1: we're both from you know, small states. You know what
Speaker 1: has football meant to you? What does it still mean
Speaker 1: to you? And uh, could you paint a picture for
Speaker 1: Great Falls for the listeners who you know, have no
Speaker 1: idea what it might look like. It's a really uh introverted, conservative,
Speaker 1: blue collar, undiverse town. And to your point, you know,
Speaker 1: I was far and away the best athlete um they
Speaker 1: had seen. I don't know, maybe ever, I'm the only
Speaker 1: Montana and it's ever been drafted in the first round
Speaker 1: of the NFL Draft. Ever, there are more first round
Speaker 1: draft picks in the Manning family than the whole state
Speaker 1: of Montana. Ever. So I didn't have a trailblazer. I
Speaker 1: just wanted to get out and I thought being a
Speaker 1: success was to get out of that small town and
Speaker 1: be a professional athlete. Whatever that look like. Basketball was
Speaker 1: it for me for so long. I mean, I just
Speaker 1: I love I saw you a jump shot. I saw
Speaker 1: you a jump shot, and I could jump, you know,
Speaker 1: for a white boy. Jalen Rose was my hero. I
Speaker 1: wore you know, the gold shorts down to my ankles,
Speaker 1: like shaved my head. I had the black socks you know,
Speaker 1: that didn't fit very well in in Montana. My mom
Speaker 1: I was so worried about what other people thought. She
Speaker 1: kind of really shamed me from a young age. What
Speaker 1: do you think made you do that? And I'm asking
Speaker 1: because I this sounds really familiar, but what made you
Speaker 1: sort of because you're gonna stand out if you do that,
Speaker 1: what do you think that was about? I didn't necessarily
Speaker 1: think I would. I just didn't see it that way.
Speaker 1: I love Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen,
Speaker 1: you know, and so that's who I envisioned who I was.
Speaker 1: And when I saw Kobe Bryant dunk for the first
Speaker 1: time and turn himself into like a seven forty seven
Speaker 1: going down the court. I remember when I tried that
Speaker 1: for the first time, the damn coach pulled me off
Speaker 1: the side and bench me. You know it just I
Speaker 1: just was, I guess ahead of my time. You know.
Speaker 1: They just wanted their star athletes to be good at
Speaker 1: the sport and just shut up and dribble essentially, and
Speaker 1: I was I've never been that guy, I guess. I
Speaker 1: just you know, I was confident in myself and I
Speaker 1: I was a drug addict long before I ever took
Speaker 1: a drug. I just the fear, the judgment, all the
Speaker 1: things that exist. My first drug of choice was just competition.
Speaker 1: Had to win at anything and everything, and I would
Speaker 1: embarrass you in the process. That's how I won if
Speaker 1: you treated me poorly. You know, I was kind of
Speaker 1: from the poor side of the river. Um, I didn't
Speaker 1: really want for anything. My parents did a tremendous job,
Speaker 1: but I mean there was another side of the river
Speaker 1: where the country club was and where those kids were,
Speaker 1: and I wasn't part of that group. I feel so
Speaker 1: much of that. Man. I think back and there's so
Speaker 1: many parallels. How did the people in Great Falls treat you?
Speaker 1: I'm sure you were a star all through what middle school,
Speaker 1: high school. My fans and um, my coach, as you know,
Speaker 1: they liked it because we would win the state. Didn't
Speaker 1: really they didn't understand it. I remember my basketball coach
Speaker 1: was out standing out in front during the JV game
Speaker 1: watching it, playing a gentleman. We were on the road
Speaker 1: and gentleman came walking up and asked Coach McClain, who
Speaker 1: was our head coach, whether that leaf boy was playing tonight,
Speaker 1: and Coach McClain said, so, yeah, yeah, he's gonna be playing.
Speaker 1: You know, that's what he does. He's like, oh, that's great.
Speaker 1: I just came here to boo his ass, you know.
Speaker 1: And uh, And Coach McClain couldn't understand it, Like, like,
Speaker 1: I rebounded hard, I played defense, I scored um, I
Speaker 1: could dunk. There wasn't many guys who could dunk in
Speaker 1: the state of Montana. I could shoot from distance, and
Speaker 1: I love to win. You know, maybe I didn't act
Speaker 1: appropriately when I when we lost, you know, because I
Speaker 1: was so distraught, and I looked at other guys like
Speaker 1: why didn't you give it everything you had like I did,
Speaker 1: because it just wasn't as important to them, you know.
Speaker 1: And I understand that now, but at the time, I
Speaker 1: was like, what's wrong with you? Were you mature? Early?
Speaker 1: You look like a different species out there that you're
Speaker 1: flying around the court and you're playing against a bunch
Speaker 1: of small, white guys, and I know what that felt like.
Speaker 1: But you looked you know, did you feel that way
Speaker 1: I could jump. I was athletic and I could jump,
Speaker 1: and I love to compete, but I was I mean,
Speaker 1: I was six four hundred and sixty five pounds, So
Speaker 1: I mean I wasn't like, I wasn't a beast or anything.
Speaker 1: You know. It was a tall, lanky, you know, string
Speaker 1: being that was rolling around the state of Montana. And
Speaker 1: then and then we won a state championship in football
Speaker 1: my junior year, and I was named the starter, and
Speaker 1: I and all of a sudden, I started getting recruited
Speaker 1: by like every college in the country for football. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, I mean, I guess I like quarterback, that's
Speaker 1: you know, but why not? You know, why not? So
Speaker 1: I put on a few extra pounds and in a
Speaker 1: way we ran That's amazing. Um. You know, I think
Speaker 1: back to growing up. I had my circle of friends
Speaker 1: and and there's a fine line. I obviously you've heard
Speaker 1: the people they've heard to you as an asshole. What
Speaker 1: gets me is that every talent scout ever, they're looking
Speaker 1: for a guy or an athlete that's got a little
Speaker 1: asshole in him, it's got a little prick in them. Right.
Speaker 1: That's supposed to be a good thing, because I think back,
Speaker 1: and for sure I didn't really have it off of
Speaker 1: the court, but everything that I was competing on ping pong,
Speaker 1: it didn't matter. You know, I was trying to win
Speaker 1: and at all costs. I was able to shut that
Speaker 1: off in pretty much every other area though me too,
Speaker 1: I was this quiet introvert off the court. And guess what,
Speaker 1: all the people that talked to the media and heard
Speaker 1: that I was an asshole, those weren't my real friends.
Speaker 1: None of my real friends would have ever said that.
Speaker 1: The guys that I that I actually shared with and
Speaker 1: spent my time with, and who knew who I was
Speaker 1: and knew the fragile state of my you know, my consciousness,
Speaker 1: you know, they would have never said that. What's so
Speaker 1: shameful about is is that I'm a kid, right, and
Speaker 1: like the state railed against me and shamed me. You know,
Speaker 1: when I was up for Heisman Trophy, they did a
Speaker 1: poll and I finished fourth in my hometown. It just
Speaker 1: it is what it is. But I had every opportunity to,
Speaker 1: like because I was just a kid. These were just
Speaker 1: all they were all adults, you know, and and so
Speaker 1: I had every opportunity when things went well for me
Speaker 1: to come home and take the high road and make
Speaker 1: them a part of it, Like, make them a part
Speaker 1: of the journey, and be like, you know what, neither
Speaker 1: one of us knew what the hell we were doing.
Speaker 1: We're the first. I'm not gonna hold that against you.
Speaker 1: Let's do this together. Let's go on a journey together
Speaker 1: as a town, as a state. But instead I came
Speaker 1: home and was like, I fucking told you, I told
Speaker 1: you you all can go funk off, all right, I
Speaker 1: am my god, and you are about to watch it
Speaker 1: play out. And that's what a mindset to have. And
Speaker 1: that's just the ego. That's the ego monster that just
Speaker 1: took over. And like the resentment, that's resentment. I resented
Speaker 1: them so much that I was willing to you know,
Speaker 1: rail against them rather than to you know, taking the
Speaker 1: high road and showing love. That's it's the hardest thing
Speaker 1: to do, yeah, man, especially when you're you know, you're
Speaker 1: we're kind of wired to compete and uh, you know,
Speaker 1: showing that humility and vulnerable, being vulnerable. It took me
Speaker 1: a long time, man, it just did. How did you
Speaker 1: end up at Washington State? Mike Price, the head coach,
Speaker 1: you know, I was recruited by pretty much everybody. He
Speaker 1: called the day of the Rose Bowl January asked what
Speaker 1: I was doing. I told him I was watching the
Speaker 1: Rose bowls U C. L A and Wisconsin playing, and
Speaker 1: he just said, Hey, I'll make you a deal, Ryan,
Speaker 1: you come to Washington State, you and I will play
Speaker 1: in that game together. And I just I bought it,
Speaker 1: hook line and sinker. You know, I hadn't done any research.
Speaker 1: I hadn't realized I hadn't been there since ninety one. Um, right,
Speaker 1: you know, if were you like me, I promised when
Speaker 1: I got to college, I didn't know nor care about
Speaker 1: anybody else like pat Riley played here. Didn't know that,
Speaker 1: just thought he was the coach of the Lakers. And
Speaker 1: I can remember thinking, just thinking. I never said it,
Speaker 1: but I can remember thinking, oh, you guys haven't seen
Speaker 1: anything like me, apparently, and so I'm telling you I
Speaker 1: had this mindset. People have never seen a guy run
Speaker 1: and jump like me. And I wondered, did you feel
Speaker 1: much the same in football? Because you know your Heisman season, Dude,
Speaker 1: you had for the most part better numbers in Peyton. Uh,
Speaker 1: you end up finishing behind Charles Woodson. No shame in that? Um?
Speaker 1: What was that season, like for you on the field
Speaker 1: dream come true. This year a tremendous crop of quarterback
Speaker 1: talent in the Pac tenant, maybe the deepest ever, and
Speaker 1: the guy at the top of that class was certainly
Speaker 1: Fly and leave an athlete first, football player second and
Speaker 1: quarterback third. Tough, aggressive, emotional Zimbonic of his spicy Cougar compadres.
Speaker 1: Every Cougar that's ever gone to school at should State,
Speaker 1: it's their goal to go to the Roads Bowl, and
Speaker 1: he's taking little bowl. Um. We used to compare him
Speaker 1: to Drew Bled, So now everybody's gonna be compared to
Speaker 1: Ryan Lee. Dream come true. It was easy just step
Speaker 1: on the field and we kind of had our way
Speaker 1: with everybody. We were prepared, We knew what we were doing.
Speaker 1: We had come together as a team. We were kind of,
Speaker 1: you know, a bunch of players that were from the
Speaker 1: Island of Misfit Toys, Guys from j C's and who
Speaker 1: had problems in high school that probably could have gone
Speaker 1: to USC and things like that from southern California and
Speaker 1: we ended up getting them. And I mean just we
Speaker 1: just played so well together. There's twenty six seniors on
Speaker 1: the team. Open the year against U C l A
Speaker 1: and USC beat them both and we were just off
Speaker 1: and running. It was It was special, best year of
Speaker 1: my life when it came to competing with the guys.
Speaker 1: I competed with um so much fun, so much fun.
Speaker 1: What stands any any specific place stand out for your
Speaker 1: teammates in the moment that you think about when you
Speaker 1: think back about, you know, being on that national stage. Yeah,
Speaker 1: my offensive linement, two of them were walk on uh
Speaker 1: my five wide receivers. They called themselves the fab five.
Speaker 1: You know, my old lineman felt jealous, so they nicknamed
Speaker 1: themselves the fat five. Um nice, you know. And then
Speaker 1: I had we had a tight end and running back
Speaker 1: and myself. You know, we were balanced. We averaged five
Speaker 1: and fifty yards of offense three thirty two twenty rushing.
Speaker 1: We were we were ahead of our time and what
Speaker 1: we were doing as an offense. I led the nation
Speaker 1: in passing. I just found that out like a year ago.
Speaker 1: Doing one of my radio shows. Someone brought that to
Speaker 1: my attention. I'm like, you serious, Yeah, don't poo poo
Speaker 1: that man, that's big ship. Peyton Manning was was in
Speaker 1: that draft class and I still led the nation passing. No,
Speaker 1: it was a great year. Everything played out like we
Speaker 1: and we wanted it to. We didn't quite win the game,
Speaker 1: but there was a controversial ending a rule change because
Speaker 1: of it and spiking the ball with the amount of
Speaker 1: time left on the clock. And so coach Bryce always
Speaker 1: tells everybody that we didn't lose that game, we just
Speaker 1: ran out of time, and I couldn't agree with him more.
Speaker 1: I want to ask you how you've handled the fame
Speaker 1: portion of your college career. I know it was a
Speaker 1: bit of a mixed bag for me, and sometimes I
Speaker 1: liken it too, you know, being a child actor, because
Speaker 1: you know, if you're if you're on a show from
Speaker 1: the time you're eight to twelve, the world knows you
Speaker 1: like that, and you're kind of that's what they think
Speaker 1: of you. And you have a chance that you know,
Speaker 1: you have an arrested development. And I for sure from
Speaker 1: age fifteen to thirty five, maybe forty five, how did
Speaker 1: you handle that fame in college? There was a joke
Speaker 1: there was a joke that Sports Illustrated ran, what's the
Speaker 1: difference between God and Ryan Leaf? God doesn't think he's
Speaker 1: Ryan Leaf? And uh, I thought it was hilarious. You see,
Speaker 1: and you can laugh at it now. Yeah, I just
Speaker 1: thought I was better. I just thought it was a
Speaker 1: better person than you because I could play this silly
Speaker 1: game that made me a better person, which is you're
Speaker 1: exactly right, it's outrageous. It was arrested development, probably like
Speaker 1: thirteen years old, when I figured out that I had
Speaker 1: this golden arm that could put me on a pedestal
Speaker 1: and I could get away with things that other people couldn't.
Speaker 1: In the consequences weren't the same. And that's where my
Speaker 1: development stopped. And so my maturity level was like that
Speaker 1: of a thirteen year old. So when I went into
Speaker 1: the NFL and I was the second overall pick and
Speaker 1: I was given thirty one million dollars, that was like
Speaker 1: given thirty one million dollars to a thirteen year old.
Speaker 1: That's how I would liken it to it. And it
Speaker 1: was that's just a recipe for disaster, period, and that's
Speaker 1: exactly what it suited. Yeah, yeah, I get it, man,
Speaker 1: I do. When did you know you were ready for
Speaker 1: the draft? You know? I started hearing, you know, scouts
Speaker 1: when they come talk about how it was between me
Speaker 1: and Peyton, and I was just like, how's that possible?
Speaker 1: I'm really, um, where are you that taken aback by it?
Speaker 1: I'm walking around campus wearing a Danny Wharfel jersey, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm I'm about to be in the same sentence
Speaker 1: as him in terms of the Heisman Trophy, you know.
Speaker 1: So it was a whirlwind, man, and then once it
Speaker 1: became a realization like oh so this is the Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is real. I'm gonna be the first or second
Speaker 1: pick in the NFL draft, then I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's about right. That's how it's supposed to be, and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna act accordingly. I could really see a shift
Speaker 1: after the Heisman Trophy too, right before the Rose Bowl
Speaker 1: was played, in like some interviews that I saw, I
Speaker 1: could see this behavior start to exhibit more. The asshole
Speaker 1: prick was starting to really come out publicly. When I
Speaker 1: go back and I look at these interviews and stuff
Speaker 1: like that, just flippant uh answers, kind of like a
Speaker 1: petulant child, and just like, you know, dismissive of everybody
Speaker 1: and everything. Like if I got a question from a
Speaker 1: reporter that seemed nonsensical in my mind, I just looked
Speaker 1: at them like they were crazy, Like what the fun
Speaker 1: is wrong? With you. Don't you know who I am?
Speaker 1: This is not worth my time? Go away. It's hard
Speaker 1: to say it, but it's so true that it's just
Speaker 1: like you cannot not say that. That's the truth. And
Speaker 1: it doesn't cost me anything to to be vulnerable and
Speaker 1: transparent about it now because it happened and everybody saw it,
Speaker 1: because it was public. You know, I can only imagine
Speaker 1: and look, I had depression and I'm sure mental illness
Speaker 1: growing up. I quit my high school team, you know,
Speaker 1: as the best player in the state. Probably you know,
Speaker 1: I was all over the map I would get in. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was. I was dealing with undiagnosed mental health disorders
Speaker 1: that never knew about. You know, talk a minute about
Speaker 1: your desire to go to San Diego, all the hype
Speaker 1: that was going to the draft rookie season. Well, I
Speaker 1: played on the West coast, on the Pac Ten. I
Speaker 1: had family who lived in Encinidas, which was just a
Speaker 1: suburb of San Diego. And you know, I was just like,
Speaker 1: who wouldn't want to live on the beach, in the
Speaker 1: on the babes, the money, and not in the middle
Speaker 1: of the Midwest in Indianapolis. Uh. I wasn't looking at
Speaker 1: the right things. I wasn't looking at that. Marshall Falk
Speaker 1: was in the backfield and Marvin Harrison was out on
Speaker 1: the perimeter. I wasn't looking at the right things. I
Speaker 1: just thought I was good enough, flat out good enough
Speaker 1: that I was gonna walk in there and do exactly
Speaker 1: what I did. But you don't understand, this is the
Speaker 1: one percent of the one percent. It's just it's a
Speaker 1: different animal and unless you're willing to work at it
Speaker 1: from Sunday to Sunday. Like every one of us has talent,
Speaker 1: everybody who gets drafted and gets to that point is talent,
Speaker 1: some of us a little bit more than the other.
Speaker 1: Otherwise you wouldn't get drafted as high. But man, you'd
Speaker 1: open the work from Sunday to Sunday. It it ain't
Speaker 1: happening that. It makes me think back and the year
Speaker 1: that I left college and went to the NBA. Um
Speaker 1: I went early, long story, we were going on probation,
Speaker 1: but uh, I left early, and so I was the
Speaker 1: youngest player in the league my rookie year, and I
Speaker 1: just remember going, you know, probably went and visited ten
Speaker 1: of the top teams that were going to be in
Speaker 1: the draft lottery, and I just remember feeling like a fraud,
Speaker 1: like I'm pretending to be a grown up here. I
Speaker 1: would go in. I was wearing a suit that I
Speaker 1: had just gotten. I remember being exhausted at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, you know, after going having to sit
Speaker 1: with the owner and the GM and pretend to be
Speaker 1: a fucking adult. I felt like a fourteen year old.
Speaker 1: And I wonder if you know, because I've seen some
Speaker 1: of your interviews around that time, and and you know,
Speaker 1: knowing what we know now, you know, it fills in
Speaker 1: some of the blanks. But I just wonder, you know,
Speaker 1: did you feel some of that going on? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: was this adolescent with a egomaniac with a self esteem problem.
Speaker 1: This is what it was, you know. I never felt
Speaker 1: the self esteem problem, Ryan. I had just been shamed
Speaker 1: my whole life from so many people, starting with my mother,
Speaker 1: two my whole state to the media. So I just,
Speaker 1: you know, I didn't feel comfortable. I thought I was
Speaker 1: an overweight quarterback. I thought it was kind of like
Speaker 1: chubby and fat and not attractive, and so I it
Speaker 1: was just it was all a persona. It was not
Speaker 1: there never really me. There was only a few people
Speaker 1: that ever really truly got to know who Ryan was,
Speaker 1: and did you know who you were? No, no idea.
Speaker 1: You know. I was a football player. That's that's all
Speaker 1: I was worth. Um. I felt like that was my
Speaker 1: worth and my identity was a football player. I get it. Man.
Speaker 1: Do you ever think there was a chance, uh, you
Speaker 1: could have been successful in the NFL? You know, based
Speaker 1: on the person you were at the time and how
Speaker 1: the world had treated you at that point. Maybe, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe if I get with the right franchise, that just like,
Speaker 1: accountability was at the forefront, like, hey, you were not
Speaker 1: going to play. I don't care how good you are,
Speaker 1: You're not going to play until you are accountable for
Speaker 1: your actions and we're gonna go figure this out. I
Speaker 1: really think there are some organizations that are like that systemically,
Speaker 1: Pittsburgh Steelers for one of them. But I also think that,
Speaker 1: and you know you've heard this plenty of times in recovery,
Speaker 1: like no matter where you go, there you are you
Speaker 1: know I was the problem. Um, so it may have
Speaker 1: been my character defects may have been hidden longer, let's
Speaker 1: say in Indianapolis if I went number one. But don't
Speaker 1: forget Peyton through the most interceptions ever for a rookie,
Speaker 1: they only won three games. I won the same amount
Speaker 1: of games starting as Peyton did in my rookie year,
Speaker 1: through less interceptions, not as many touchdowns. Of course, Um,
Speaker 1: I don't know how I could have dealt with the
Speaker 1: failure of being three and thirteen or throwing that many interceptions. Right,
Speaker 1: He learned how to deal with failure in a healthy way. Hey, bro.
Speaker 1: He also had a dad that that was the family
Speaker 1: business and just losing and losing and failing. But he
Speaker 1: played in the NFL and he went through all that stuff.
Speaker 1: And he is Stephen and Seth Curry. They grew up
Speaker 1: around it and they know you know, So you can't
Speaker 1: be hard on yourself about that. Do you remember a
Speaker 1: specific time or moment that the game started being less
Speaker 1: fun for you? Well, I mean I can give you
Speaker 1: the exact moment my career ended. And it was at
Speaker 1: Kansas City. We were two and all a rookie quarterback
Speaker 1: hadn't won his first two starts. Sine and John Elway
Speaker 1: and we walked into Kansas City and Arrowhead and I
Speaker 1: was in the hospital all a week with a staff infection,
Speaker 1: and I my mom begged me not to play, and
Speaker 1: I just thought the coolest thing, right, I come out
Speaker 1: of the hospital. I take my new team on the
Speaker 1: road at Kansas City against the likes of Derrick Thomas
Speaker 1: and in that defense and James Hasty and Rich Gannon
Speaker 1: and we beat the Chiefs on the road. Story to
Speaker 1: wish for Yeah, I mean, I completed my first past,
Speaker 1: played the worst game of my life. And it's not
Speaker 1: because I played poor Lee. You know, every rookie has
Speaker 1: to come to Jesus moment in the NFL. It's how
Speaker 1: I dealt with it. How are reacted to a reporter
Speaker 1: after the game, a cameraman that then got carried over
Speaker 1: to the next day by one of the Beat writers
Speaker 1: who wrote about it, and I confronted in the locker room.
Speaker 1: And then there's the video when the Internet had just started.
Speaker 1: It was like one of the first viral videos. I
Speaker 1: really think, Uh, you know, you've got Jim Evertt flying
Speaker 1: across the table at Jim Rome, and you got me
Speaker 1: yelling at this reporter like a petulant child being pulled
Speaker 1: away by Junior. Say. I into the shower to cool off,
Speaker 1: and then I don't remember a positive thing. And I
Speaker 1: would go on and play for four more years with
Speaker 1: different teams, but I don't remember another positive thing, and
Speaker 1: it's because of how I dealt with it. One moment
Speaker 1: ended it for me, because of how I dealt with failure.
Speaker 1: Have you ever talked to him the reporter? Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: we've had. I've made my amends to him. J Posner
Speaker 1: is his name, you know, just doing his job. I mean,
Speaker 1: he he did kind of bait me a little bit,
Speaker 1: but again, you know, I was I was gonna tell him,
Speaker 1: you know how it was. I was gonna intimidate um
Speaker 1: kind of big boyd him got up over the top,
Speaker 1: which is what we assholes do. Can don't talk to me,
Speaker 1: all right, knock it off. I appreciate your honesty, Uh, Ryan,
Speaker 1: I much the same. I was fortunate that well, I
Speaker 1: didn't play football. I had never never been able to
Speaker 1: make it with that sport. But I was fortunate to
Speaker 1: be traded and be able to handle my stuff enough
Speaker 1: emotionally where I had a second team you know that
Speaker 1: I went to because I was a kid, my first stop.
Speaker 1: And if I could have just played basketball and never
Speaker 1: had to talk to the media at all, Oh, just
Speaker 1: sign me up the problem. Yeah, yeah. Jim Harbaugh was
Speaker 1: my quarter by backup quarterback year three, he taught me
Speaker 1: how to be professional. I went on to Tampa Bay
Speaker 1: with Tony Dungee, Brad Johnson and that team and that defense,
Speaker 1: and I learned how to be a professional and be
Speaker 1: a good teammate. Um problem was, I wrecked my wrist
Speaker 1: that third year in San Diego, falling on the baseball diamond,
Speaker 1: and so my talent wasn't as good and my talents
Speaker 1: what could carry in me? You could feel a difference.
Speaker 1: Uh throwing the ball? Oh yeah, it still pops out
Speaker 1: a joint. Yeah, okay, So on deep balls, touch balls,
Speaker 1: or just in general, any time that that I had
Speaker 1: to put any kind of velocity on it or I
Speaker 1: mean it just It was called the scaffoid lunate disassociation.
Speaker 1: So essentially this ligament on the upper part of your
Speaker 1: wrist would dislocate. And my Tampa Bay teammates uh Rande
Speaker 1: Barber told CBS a story about it back in the days,
Speaker 1: Like We're playing in a preseason game and they look
Speaker 1: out at me and I throw this out route and
Speaker 1: in between plays, I'm I'm running to the sideline like
Speaker 1: pounding my hand and wrist against my five trying to
Speaker 1: pop it back into place so I can play the
Speaker 1: next play, you know. And then that's where I kind
Speaker 1: of started, you know, being given a lot of pain
Speaker 1: killers to get through the week. So I'm glad you
Speaker 1: brought that up. I was literally the next thing I
Speaker 1: was gonna ask, when was the first time you you
Speaker 1: received pain killers in college? You know, I've had fifteen surgeries,
Speaker 1: orthopedic and others, so you know, the first thing I
Speaker 1: had was a shoulder surgery in college, and they gave
Speaker 1: me these um opiate pain killers afterwards, and uh, it worked, right,
Speaker 1: they killed the pain. That's exactly what their name is.
Speaker 1: I mean, I liked it, and now I didn't abuse
Speaker 1: it or anything, and um, but I knew it worked.
Speaker 1: And I was really like, I didn't drink in high school.
Speaker 1: I didn't drink to my eighteenth birthday, really didn't drink
Speaker 1: in college. Is that except binge drinking just to feel
Speaker 1: comfortable with people in moments? And um never did drugs,
Speaker 1: you know, didn't smoke weed, nothing. I was. I thought
Speaker 1: people that did all that stuff was morally corrupt. So
Speaker 1: it was just really of it are prevalent at the
Speaker 1: NFL level. You get on the plane after a game,
Speaker 1: they give you a couple of pills and a couple
Speaker 1: of cans of beer, and you know you you take
Speaker 1: that edge off on the way home. You take pills
Speaker 1: till about Wednesday, and then you take your ween off
Speaker 1: them and get ready to play by Sunday. And that
Speaker 1: was just a ritual. Wasn't abusing them. I didn't realize
Speaker 1: that my brain wiring had, like, you know, really liked
Speaker 1: it because competition was still the drug of choice, always
Speaker 1: has been. So when I walked away from the NFL
Speaker 1: and my final stop in Seattle, because I was unwilling
Speaker 1: to tell my head coach that I was incredibly depressed.
Speaker 1: I was tired, I was lazy. I felt lazy, I
Speaker 1: was sad all the time. I didn't know what was wrong.
Speaker 1: I just chose to to quit. And so about three
Speaker 1: months after I had quit or retired, I told people
Speaker 1: who retires at twenty seven years old, you know, um,
Speaker 1: I was in Vegas for a fight the because I
Speaker 1: still needed people to know that I was still a success.
Speaker 1: I had the money, the power of the prestige. You know,
Speaker 1: prestige was a little tarnished, of course with not being
Speaker 1: in the league anymore. But come on, second, pick like
Speaker 1: money was ultimately the that was the end all be all?
Speaker 1: So was that a fight? Tyson fight? They were announcing
Speaker 1: the celebrities in the audience, the m C was. They
Speaker 1: announced Michael Jordan's Tiger Woods, Charles Barkley, Dr Dre You know,
Speaker 1: the audience cheered and clapped, and m C there at
Speaker 1: the MGM grand announced my name and like the whole
Speaker 1: auditorium just booed and hissed. And it's not like that
Speaker 1: hadn't happened before, right, I mean, you play football, you're
Speaker 1: on the posing team's field, but you're wearing armor, you
Speaker 1: got a helmet on it. My attic brain heard, not
Speaker 1: only are you a terrible football player, but you are
Speaker 1: a awful human being. That's what I heard. And so
Speaker 1: sure enough that night we were gonna go to parties
Speaker 1: where they were Super Bowl champs and Hall of famers
Speaker 1: And why are always felt judged and less than and
Speaker 1: like I didn't belong. An acquaintance of mine offered me
Speaker 1: some vikad in and I mixed him with the alcohol
Speaker 1: I was drinking. This would be the first time that
Speaker 1: I abused it, and I didn't feel any of that.
Speaker 1: I didn't feel that judgment. I didn't feel that fear.
Speaker 1: I didn't feel that less than I didn't feel anything
Speaker 1: and feel better. But it turns out I was just
Speaker 1: searching for that feeling of not feeling any of the
Speaker 1: feelings that I have been feeling for so long. I
Speaker 1: just wanted to numb out. And that night changed like
Speaker 1: that would be the next eight years of my life,
Speaker 1: chasing that initial high from that night of not feeling it.
Speaker 1: So you can pinpoint it. You feel like that's the
Speaker 1: first time you thought I, Well, you couldn't have thought
Speaker 1: right away I have a problem. No, No, I still
Speaker 1: I didn't think I had a problem for a long time.
Speaker 1: I thought I'd do the wrong thing the right way,
Speaker 1: probably years, three years probably. Yeah, okay, so you were
Speaker 1: just self medicating, right, I just I wasn't seeing a therapist.
Speaker 1: I was self medicating, doing the I was going to doctor,
Speaker 1: you know, telling him I was in pain, which doctor
Speaker 1: show was, Yeah, yeah, which I was. I was in
Speaker 1: some sort of physical plane, but mostly I was an
Speaker 1: emotional pain. It's pretty amazing, especially back during that time.
Speaker 1: I'm you know, I'm familiar with it. It's pretty amazing.
Speaker 1: And again this goes to ego and addiction and everything amazing.
Speaker 1: The doctor's amount of doctors. You can just cold call,
Speaker 1: drop your name and we'll give you the medicine. Right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you just I mean you've come in with X rays
Speaker 1: and show you got beat up for a living, and
Speaker 1: then you manipulate the situation the best you can. And
Speaker 1: they got kids, and you're like, I'll sign a bunch
Speaker 1: of autographs for your kids. Problem. Of course, you're gonna
Speaker 1: give me a script for nineties with five refill fills.
Speaker 1: More refills please. In Montana, Leif was accused of burglary
Speaker 1: and drug activity. In a plea deal, he pled guilty
Speaker 1: to the charges and agreed to enter a drug treatment
Speaker 1: program Movie Start or Sports Start. The rules are the
Speaker 1: same for everybody. He's had enough chances, and I hope
Speaker 1: the judge was most saying for James. Farren says he's
Speaker 1: working to put the former NFL quarterback and WT quarterbacks
Speaker 1: coach behind bars for the charges he pled guilty too.
Speaker 1: In Randall County. When you get arrested the first time, Ryan,
Speaker 1: you're taking fills from college kids to feed your addiction.
Speaker 1: You know you're working there. They're not. You know you're
Speaker 1: I don't even think they were paying you at the time.
Speaker 1: You're just kind of doing it to get back into
Speaker 1: the game, and it seemed like for all intensive purposes
Speaker 1: you were kind of thriving there. Um, what was happening
Speaker 1: in What was happening in your life? Though? At that point,
Speaker 1: I was a incredible mess. Just uh hadn't you know,
Speaker 1: coach these kids up and they were just suxcelling, leading
Speaker 1: the nation and passing and we were winning. And are
Speaker 1: you partying at night and stuff? No? I don't party, right,
Speaker 1: I don't waste my high on anybody else. It's mine
Speaker 1: and mine alone, right, So I want to be alone.
Speaker 1: I don't want anybody else to see. Um, I want
Speaker 1: to treasure it. It's like a relationship. Like I would
Speaker 1: say no to dates with beautiful women the cause I
Speaker 1: had a night set with my pills. I wanted that
Speaker 1: all to myself, and I didn't want anybody to know
Speaker 1: I was doing it, you know, that's the bigger thing, right,
Speaker 1: And so I just self medicated and just kept doing
Speaker 1: it until I couldn't do it anymore. And then I
Speaker 1: had to take advantage of these kids, you know, who
Speaker 1: looked up to me and respected me. I was this
Speaker 1: pro football player and they're playing for a Division two
Speaker 1: football team and they just got hurt. Now here's coach
Speaker 1: Leaf at my door, going, hey, can I have some
Speaker 1: of those pills? My wrist is really hurt? And what
Speaker 1: what do they do? You know, um, they give you
Speaker 1: some and then they do the only thing they can
Speaker 1: do is they call their parents. They're eighteen and nineteen
Speaker 1: years old, and they go, mom and dad, I don't
Speaker 1: want to do and mom and dad do the right thing,
Speaker 1: you know. They contact my employer. Now they also send
Speaker 1: an anonymous email to ESPN too. But there's consequences to
Speaker 1: your actions, and mine are public consequences, and it probably
Speaker 1: is the biggest reason why I'm here in front of you.
Speaker 1: So I probably saved my life because there are a
Speaker 1: lot of us out there. They are going through the
Speaker 1: same things you and I went through, but weren't held
Speaker 1: accountable and they just disappear in the shadows and they're gone.
Speaker 1: And uh so a lot of people, you know, compliment
Speaker 1: me about how I did it in the public eye,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, that's saved my life. You know, if
Speaker 1: it was isolating all by myself, I would have just
Speaker 1: died somewhere and no one would have known. My friends
Speaker 1: often say the same, They say, you know, something had
Speaker 1: to happen, and you were going to die, and you know,
Speaker 1: thank goodness, something happened. So the second time you get
Speaker 1: arrested though, seven years sentence, two years in jail, thirty
Speaker 1: two months, actually three years, three years almost three years
Speaker 1: in jail. Um, what was it like in prison? How
Speaker 1: did you survive it? Don't daycare, not a deterrent, a relief,
Speaker 1: didn't go outside a relief? Please continue? Well, I was
Speaker 1: just every day I'd wake up and do I have pills?
Speaker 1: And if I didn't, how can I get them? You know?
Speaker 1: And if I can't be high, I want to be dead.
Speaker 1: That's where I was. It's so crazy to think that's
Speaker 1: where I was. And I gotta remember it. I have
Speaker 1: to remember it otherwise it's but it's just it's just
Speaker 1: shockingly because I wake up every morning now and I'm
Speaker 1: just like, I choose to be happy, you know, I
Speaker 1: can choose that even it's a bad day and bad
Speaker 1: ship happens in life isn't fair and we're going through
Speaker 1: COVID and I lose my job and all this stuff,
Speaker 1: Like I just I can get up, meditate, and pray,
Speaker 1: go for a little hike, feel therapeutic in nature, find
Speaker 1: my higher power, and choose to be happy. And I
Speaker 1: couldn't do it. I couldn't go a day without numbing
Speaker 1: myself out and altering my mood. And I clamored every
Speaker 1: night in the mirror for somebody to help me. And
Speaker 1: finally my higher power just I just said, you don't
Speaker 1: get it, dude, So I'm gonna send the Sheriff's department
Speaker 1: to help you save your life. And that's what happened.
Speaker 1: So go through a little bit of uh, you know
Speaker 1: what was going on in your mind. You had gone
Speaker 1: to some open houses, you had broken into a couple
Speaker 1: of places, and this is in your hometown. Hometown. Yeah,
Speaker 1: people don't lock their doors, so you just go up
Speaker 1: and knock on on the outskirts and farmhouses, and you know,
Speaker 1: nine times out of ten there'll be some pills in
Speaker 1: the medicine cabinet or in the cabinet in the kitchen.
Speaker 1: And I didn't go around and collect. As soon as
Speaker 1: I got him in my hand, like psychological effect, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I went home. You know, I was done. Okay, my
Speaker 1: day's over. Now. I don't have the feeling for the
Speaker 1: rest of the day, I'll sleep and I'll go back
Speaker 1: at it again tomorrow. Such just I mean, in the
Speaker 1: state of Montana, how I didn't get shot in somebody's house.
Speaker 1: You know. I remember walking into a house one time
Speaker 1: and going into a bedroom and there was this man
Speaker 1: asleep on his bed, and I was just like so
Speaker 1: taken it back because I had like screamed when I
Speaker 1: walked in the house, like anybody here, anybody here, you know.
Speaker 1: And then there was a ton of pills in there.
Speaker 1: So now I know he was probably an opiate addic
Speaker 1: and was probably just passed out, you know. So it's crazy.
Speaker 1: It's crazy. Yeah. So, um, until you were sentenced, you
Speaker 1: were still using the pills, and so when you went
Speaker 1: in you were No. I never I never bonded out,
Speaker 1: I got a rest, didn't I never got out. So okay,
Speaker 1: so you had to you know, you're going through this withdrawal.
Speaker 1: I bought it out the first time. They got re arrested,
Speaker 1: uh like forty hours later, and this time they pulled
Speaker 1: my bond. Texas revoked my probation from what being arrested
Speaker 1: down there, and I was stuck there. My parents wouldn't
Speaker 1: bail me. Out, which was incredibly hard on their part.
Speaker 1: I can only imagine my mom wanted to take care
Speaker 1: of her son, but she was so fearful and at
Speaker 1: this point financially struggling. Yeah, I was broke. I was broke. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I had lost every single dollar. My credit score was
Speaker 1: like five hundred. I was, yeah, I've been there, man,
Speaker 1: I've been there. Um, so you're going in and you
Speaker 1: go straight in, and so now you're having to withdraw
Speaker 1: by yourself. This is not a place they're gonna But
Speaker 1: I didn't even I was taken at one time a day,
Speaker 1: at like dinner time, like you know, hundred milligram. Enough
Speaker 1: to get a hundred milligrams, I mean, whether that if
Speaker 1: they were tens or fives, either had to take twenty
Speaker 1: or or ten, right, And the doctor in prison just
Speaker 1: said the withdrawal wasn't as bad because it was like
Speaker 1: it wasn't like all day long, just taking pills all
Speaker 1: day long to maintain it was like this one thing.
Speaker 1: So you know, I overdosed the night I went in.
Speaker 1: They didn't know, but I was just a mess, and
Speaker 1: I don't remember anything for about two days. I had
Speaker 1: gone to court. My mug shot of course, it looks
Speaker 1: like you know, Tiger Woods is, and I just like
Speaker 1: knew immediately. I was like, dude, I know what that
Speaker 1: dude's on, exactly what I was on. And then like
Speaker 1: three days later, I was just like I was so
Speaker 1: fearful the psychology of the withdraw, you know, it was
Speaker 1: so fearful about. Of course, there was some sweating at
Speaker 1: night a couple of times, but I mean, it wasn't
Speaker 1: it wasn't incredibly bad like I've seen it and I've
Speaker 1: heard it to be. But my mind, my mind was
Speaker 1: still running like a rabbit or a rat and a maze.
Speaker 1: You know. I was like, I need to get out
Speaker 1: of here. I need to figure out a way to
Speaker 1: get out of here. Give as many pills as I can,
Speaker 1: ride into the wheels fall off. That's all. There's nothing
Speaker 1: else out there, you know. I just still wanted to
Speaker 1: die or be high and I couldn't do it in
Speaker 1: there in solitary, confined mint. And then I went through
Speaker 1: the sentencing process, I pled guilty. You know, I just
Speaker 1: there's a ton of accountability in my message to the judge.
Speaker 1: I don't know where the hell at came from. And
Speaker 1: I was just like warehouse me and uh, that's what
Speaker 1: he did. And he said it, we're gonna warehouse, You're
Speaker 1: gonna give you a number. And it was the first
Speaker 1: time I ever felt marginalized in my life. I'm cool,
Speaker 1: you know he did and embarrassed the situation, not only
Speaker 1: for myself, especially for my family. Yeah, it seems to
Speaker 1: this community. I found that Davy days in jail has
Speaker 1: been someone of the sanctuary. I've discussed, you know, with
Speaker 1: my family, and they believe my PC for ransom for
Speaker 1: third or six years. I don't understand why I should
Speaker 1: have to do that no more. I do believe that
Speaker 1: these fifteen months been conductive for me. I don't believe
Speaker 1: that I must have been. For now it's gonna be
Speaker 1: any different right now. Five Ryan pre Drone, my family
Speaker 1: and this community. Let's stick to this nation, man, pure bliss.
Speaker 1: I'm lazy to dis honest selfish. These things are behaviors
Speaker 1: before my addiction kick doing hate that excuses like professional
Speaker 1: football or rain tumor or those letters. And I finally
Speaker 1: got to read about five days ago. They had a
Speaker 1: totally different had totally different reactions, and then most people
Speaker 1: are probably would have I felt that they were all excuses.
Speaker 1: Well along those lines, based on your experience, you know,
Speaker 1: what are your feelings on the way we handle addiction
Speaker 1: in this country, the way we criminalize it, the way
Speaker 1: we send people to prison and not to treatment. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, the ease with which somebody can get addicted
Speaker 1: and the lack of help there is for them. What
Speaker 1: are your thoughts well, the stigma stigmas. What did it
Speaker 1: in the early eighties with the you know, war on
Speaker 1: drugs with Nancy and Ronald Reagan? You know that just
Speaker 1: you know that with the drug war that just made
Speaker 1: it ramped it up to a place where they built
Speaker 1: all these government agencies to control and task force and
Speaker 1: everything like that, and then they built these for profit
Speaker 1: prisons which I was in, and they incentivized judges and
Speaker 1: d a's to get prison time because they have contracts
Speaker 1: with the states that they needed to be or eighty
Speaker 1: five percent full, and if they're not, they're still going
Speaker 1: to pay the rate of it being that full. So
Speaker 1: it incentivises them to to send non violent drug offenders
Speaker 1: to prison because you know, they need them full, they
Speaker 1: need the beds occupied. So there's a reason why we're
Speaker 1: the largest populated prison system in the world and are like,
Speaker 1: in comparison, one of the less populated. You know, there's
Speaker 1: a lot of things that are changing. I've studied at
Speaker 1: the ton I've tried to do some lobbying and get
Speaker 1: some bills passed, and watch what Portugal has done, seeing
Speaker 1: what Colorado has done around marijuana, and now what the
Speaker 1: state of Oregon has done around decriminalization of pretty much everything.
Speaker 1: And I think that's the answer. I really do. And
Speaker 1: you know, I'll argue up and down with people about
Speaker 1: you know, well, people will just be lined up around
Speaker 1: Walgreen's to get biked in, and I'm like, not everybody's
Speaker 1: like me, you know, not everybody's like me. You know,
Speaker 1: I would do that because I'm a drug addict. You know,
Speaker 1: you can educate, you can tax, you can set up
Speaker 1: recovery and things like that, and you could end governmental oversight,
Speaker 1: the DA and things like that wouldn't have to exist.
Speaker 1: Drug cartels would be limited. You know, like there's just
Speaker 1: a lot that could happen in a positive way. I
Speaker 1: really do believe that the substance being out of my
Speaker 1: brain in prison has allowed me to articulate. I think
Speaker 1: the brain tumor that I had cut out of my brain.
Speaker 1: That was all my brains. I was gonna ask you
Speaker 1: about that. In two thousand eleven, you had a tumor
Speaker 1: cut out. How did that change your life? Well, I
Speaker 1: mean as an athlete, you know, I get hurt, I
Speaker 1: find a doctor, he fixes it. I moved forward. That's
Speaker 1: exactly the way I looked at it. But going through
Speaker 1: the radiation and like the chemo side of things, because
Speaker 1: they couldn't remove it all because it was intertwined in
Speaker 1: my brain stem, and me losing my hair and feeling
Speaker 1: fatigued and achy and sick, and the doctor asking if
Speaker 1: you could prescribe me some painkillers and me not telling
Speaker 1: him anything. Um, it resulted in my relapse. I was
Speaker 1: eighteen months sober um. He gave him to me December one,
Speaker 1: two thousand and eleven. By March thirties, two thousand and twelve,
Speaker 1: I was in prison because I'm a drug addict, and
Speaker 1: I just felt I deserved it, so I didn't tell
Speaker 1: the doctor I had a problem before, and so I
Speaker 1: just can't have them. I just can't have them. That's
Speaker 1: the difference. I'm allergic. Uh twins say I love them,
Speaker 1: And the second I took the first I took oxyconton
Speaker 1: to begin with, and the second I took it, I
Speaker 1: felt smarter, funnier, better, nicer, all of it. So I
Speaker 1: understand what that yurn is. I get it. Um. You
Speaker 1: know I've said before, uh, and I'll say again. You're
Speaker 1: an inspiration man. You had an incredible physical talent ability
Speaker 1: to play a game that made you famous and rich
Speaker 1: and all that. But you've constantly been dealt blows your
Speaker 1: whole life and career, some of it from yourself, some
Speaker 1: from society in the world around you. I know. But
Speaker 1: here's what's inspiring. You don't quit. You keep bouncing back,
Speaker 1: finding new things to try, try to continue to be
Speaker 1: a petter person. That's really admirable, right, really admirable. Well
Speaker 1: what are you supposed to do? You know? Like I've
Speaker 1: come to this realization, like what am I supposed to do?
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get up, And I think there's a radical
Speaker 1: acceptance around being a flawed human being like everybody else
Speaker 1: trying to be better. So the only thing I can
Speaker 1: do is to get up and do the next right thing,
Speaker 1: because yesterday is something I can't control anymore, take accountability
Speaker 1: for what I've done, and just try to be part
Speaker 1: of the solution, and that's been the being a service Rex,
Speaker 1: And you know this better than anybody. Being a service
Speaker 1: is you remove yourself from the equation completely and you
Speaker 1: make it about somebody else in your life changes it does,
Speaker 1: and that's a foundation of who I am and what
Speaker 1: I do. Now it's cannot be about me ever, Again,
Speaker 1: what keeps you going? Is it that? I don't know
Speaker 1: what keeps me going? To be honest with you. You know,
Speaker 1: this past year it's been difficult. There's been another arrest
Speaker 1: for something that that is a problem in this country
Speaker 1: with dealing with police. You know, when when you're having
Speaker 1: a mental health incident. My and and I are are
Speaker 1: trying to put a bill in play, um that when
Speaker 1: you call the police and there's a mental health incident happening,
Speaker 1: they don't send nine police officers who exacerbate the problem.
Speaker 1: They send a case worker or somebody who can help.
Speaker 1: Because all I all it did is make it worse.
Speaker 1: You know. I remember them pulling me into the police
Speaker 1: car and and like racing and following the car to
Speaker 1: the police station, trying to get him to stop, and
Speaker 1: them just like, we don't care what you want, ma'am.
Speaker 1: The state of California wants to prosecute and then you
Speaker 1: lose everything and you find out who your friends are really,
Speaker 1: and I think it. I don't know if I'd thought
Speaker 1: i'd be grateful. You know, it's just about a year ago.
Speaker 1: I tell you what, man, I'm incredibly grateful. I found
Speaker 1: out who my friends are, who know my values, know
Speaker 1: my character. Well that's good, you know. I I don't
Speaker 1: even you know, this is the first time we've actually
Speaker 1: ever met. People might not know that, but I know
Speaker 1: when that happened, I just reached out, Yeah, just like, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, hanging there. I don't know what's going on,
Speaker 1: but uh, you know, you're never bad as your worst moment, Ryan,
Speaker 1: if you learn from it. Right, Well, that was That's
Speaker 1: the perfect example of like you know, in our culture,
Speaker 1: cancel culture A and then me looking at it, going,
Speaker 1: what was I'm the same guy as I was one,
Speaker 1: as I am on May. I'm exact same person, a
Speaker 1: flawed human being, trying to be better every single day.
Speaker 1: Nothing's changed, Still wanted to help people, still want to
Speaker 1: go forward. So what am I supposed to do? Am
Speaker 1: I supposed to just pack it in say fuck it,
Speaker 1: I'm done? You know, I tried, you know, I tried
Speaker 1: to get back out there and be be of service
Speaker 1: and be a better human being. You do it, there's
Speaker 1: no alt and you just you do it. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: do it. Some people don't do it, though, Ryan, And
Speaker 1: that's the thing, and so don't I'm my I'm just suggesting,
Speaker 1: don't just shrug that off, because I do remember sitting
Speaker 1: in at the worst moment of my life a couple
Speaker 1: of times, sitting there and just being so disappointed in myself. Well,
Speaker 1: I tell you what I think a lot of people thought,
Speaker 1: I relapsed is what I think a lot of people thought,
Speaker 1: Oh this most recent time you're talking. Yeah, And if
Speaker 1: I hadn't have been sober, I don't think I would
Speaker 1: have had the mindset to deal with something in a healthy,
Speaker 1: positive way, right, and then to then go through the
Speaker 1: rest of the year, which is probably one of the
Speaker 1: hardest years to say sober and get my nine year
Speaker 1: ship absolutely on April one, thank you. That made it
Speaker 1: every bit more worthwhile. And I just decided to take
Speaker 1: some more control back, you know, start my own show.
Speaker 1: No one else was gonna let me do it. That's
Speaker 1: what I was gonna say. What what made you want
Speaker 1: to do that. Well. You know, Rich Eisen has been
Speaker 1: an unbelievable support of mine every time he is gone.
Speaker 1: He asked me to guest host, and I just love
Speaker 1: doing it. I love doing it. I mean, you just
Speaker 1: you gotta love the man who just you know, who
Speaker 1: knows your values, uh, knows who you are, gives you
Speaker 1: an unbelievable opportunity when I think probably other people wouldn't.
Speaker 1: And so I just I wanted to start my own show.
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to do it. I got a
Speaker 1: group of guys, three guys who are freshly out of college,
Speaker 1: you know, software and technology, because I don't um, you know,
Speaker 1: I put the studio together here. You know, they put
Speaker 1: a logo. I did the show right before I came
Speaker 1: on with you today Monday, Wednesday, Friday, twelve Pacific to
Speaker 1: one thirty pacific. You know, it's grassroots. Got four sponsors
Speaker 1: right now, just trying to trying to move forward. And
Speaker 1: then I also, uh, you know buddy of mine, Kevin Connolly,
Speaker 1: who owns a company called a p M. It's a
Speaker 1: podcasting network. Essentially we're gonna start. We just essentially just
Speaker 1: sold one my life story. It's uh we're calling it
Speaker 1: bust and it's my testament, Anneal, it's it. That's it,
Speaker 1: just thirteen episodes of my story, No holds Barred, Unvarnished.
Speaker 1: We think we really can help a lot of people
Speaker 1: with it. And then when we go into season two
Speaker 1: and season three, you know, I'm gonna reach out to
Speaker 1: people who maybe you've been in similar situations that I
Speaker 1: have in all genres of sports, and some of them
Speaker 1: have gotten through it and can be success stories, and
Speaker 1: some of them are still fighting it. And we want
Speaker 1: to be able to be there to be helpful in away,
Speaker 1: and we're gonna call it, We're gonna transition into it
Speaker 1: and called to the Lighthouse podcast because that's as you know,
Speaker 1: that's what we've become. Yeah, nice, buddy, that's so great.
Speaker 1: What does football mean to you now? I think it's
Speaker 1: just one of the greatest things in that's ever ever
Speaker 1: been made. Gave me everything. Unfortunately it's caused a lot
Speaker 1: of people a lot of pain, But I also don't
Speaker 1: think those that have gone through these struggles would have
Speaker 1: given it up for anything, you know, I think a
Speaker 1: lot of times we just want to be informed, Like
Speaker 1: if the NFL knew about what this does to our brains.
Speaker 1: I believe I'm living with CT like a lot of
Speaker 1: my brothers are, and a lot of brothers out there
Speaker 1: that are dying. Vincent Jackson just recently and after the
Speaker 1: super Bowl, and I don't know why that one hit
Speaker 1: me so hard, but um, you know, the NFL is
Speaker 1: not gonna do anything, and either is our union. So
Speaker 1: it's gonna have to be us. Will you let your
Speaker 1: kids play? No, No, my son's not gonna play football.
Speaker 1: He's gonna be six nine. So I'm'm gonna give him
Speaker 1: the rock. I'm gonna give him the rock, either to
Speaker 1: throw it on a mound or all right, that's what
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do. But whatever he wants to do, if
Speaker 1: he wants to be a dancer or be a construction
Speaker 1: worker or a fireman, which is what he wants to
Speaker 1: be right now, as a fireman and a construction worker.
Speaker 1: So you know, by all means, you know, when you
Speaker 1: watch the game today, you see these young quarterbacks out
Speaker 1: there who are kind of almost carbon copies of the
Speaker 1: quarterback you are fast, athletic, but can throw the ball downfield.
Speaker 1: Do you ever see yourself out there now? You know,
Speaker 1: playing in this era where it's very much different protect
Speaker 1: the quarterback. I forgot. I forgot just I've been told
Speaker 1: for how long how bad I was that I haven't
Speaker 1: looked in this past couple of years. I've looked at
Speaker 1: old film and highlights and stuff. The game against Indianapolis,
Speaker 1: my fifth game of the year against Peyton dude, I
Speaker 1: outdueled him like crazy. I threw touchdown. I threw this
Speaker 1: one from like rolling out to my left patcher from
Speaker 1: home style, like flipped it up to I mean, I
Speaker 1: was astonished when I watched it play. I'm like, holy shit,
Speaker 1: you know, why have you believed everybody who has no
Speaker 1: merit and all this for so long? So I love football.
Speaker 1: I talked about it all the time. I wouldn't be
Speaker 1: able to do the job I do now working with
Speaker 1: Sirius XM and ESPN and and hosting richest show. Um,
Speaker 1: if I didn't love football and I love talking about it.
Speaker 1: But I'm also not in an a war blinders either.
Speaker 1: Like I'm honest about my assessment with how the NFL
Speaker 1: handles stuff and the NFL p A and I'm not
Speaker 1: you know, the propaganda machine isn't doesn't affect me anymore,
Speaker 1: So that's not lost on me. But I I love
Speaker 1: what the game does for people, that brings leadership out,
Speaker 1: allows us to have real, honest and conversations. We've watched
Speaker 1: the political landscape over the last two years, three years
Speaker 1: with Colin Kaepernick and everything. Just I mean, you and
Speaker 1: I have a really unique experience being arrested as criminals,
Speaker 1: like real criminals. And I didn't feel for once a
Speaker 1: fear for my life ever. But any man woman of
Speaker 1: color who gets pulled over engaged with the police, there's
Speaker 1: an honest to god fear that they could die that night.
Speaker 1: And that's that's the white privilege that we talk about. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I gotta get it very well. Put Ryan, And you know,
Speaker 1: if you could do this all over again, if you
Speaker 1: could go back and talk to twenty one year old
Speaker 1: Ryan Leaf, what would you tell him. It's gonna hurt
Speaker 1: like hell, man, but you're gonna be okay and you're
Speaker 1: gonna be a better man for it. That's exactly what
Speaker 1: you do differently. What would you do differently? The only
Speaker 1: thing differently is I would treat people better. That's the
Speaker 1: only thing I think I could. You know, I could
Speaker 1: have still been the asshole and been unsuccessful and mishandled things.
Speaker 1: But you know, I just treated people so poorly. I
Speaker 1: think is the it's the bottom line and all this.
Speaker 1: Are you better with that today? Oh yeah? I mean
Speaker 1: like the moment I walk into a room now and
Speaker 1: when I walk up to somebody, I asked him their name.
Speaker 1: Everybody always wants to talk to me, like Ryan, so
Speaker 1: great to meet you, and I just immediately stopped. I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: what's your name? Because they don't hear that from athletes
Speaker 1: and stuff like that, because we're all such narcissists, right,
Speaker 1: So that's like I've I've practiced that, Like when I
Speaker 1: walk into a room, I make it about the other person,
Speaker 1: and I asked them how they're doing or what's going
Speaker 1: on in their life. And you know, I don't need
Speaker 1: to I don't need to fill you in with my life.
Speaker 1: You know, I love my life. But you're usually there
Speaker 1: to listen to me speak or or something, and and
Speaker 1: so I want to hear what's going on with you
Speaker 1: and I want to know your name. That's changed. I
Speaker 1: could care less back in the day, you know what
Speaker 1: who you were or what you were and if you
Speaker 1: were a pretty girl. The only thing I cared about
Speaker 1: it was whether or not I I could take you home.
Speaker 1: You know, That's that was it. What's next for you? Ryan?
Speaker 1: Be the best dad I can be. That's the first
Speaker 1: and foremost. It's the best thing I've ever done. I
Speaker 1: love him so much. And then I just want to
Speaker 1: continue to to help people. I found that in the
Speaker 1: pandemic um not being able to travel around the country
Speaker 1: and speak because of COVID. It finally opening up. I
Speaker 1: got my vaccine UH finalized yesterday. I'm traveling to Nashville
Speaker 1: at the end of a and then to West Virginia,
Speaker 1: two of the you know, Tennessee and West Virginia, along
Speaker 1: with Kentucky, three of the largest states, have been hit
Speaker 1: so ravagely with opiates. I'm gonna go speak and and
Speaker 1: those two venues back in public, which is huge for me.
Speaker 1: Just I didn't realize how much a difference that made
Speaker 1: in my mental health. Giving back like that, it makes
Speaker 1: a difference. Yeah, I can tell you from personal experience,
Speaker 1: speaking about opioids. It keeps you honest. It's therapeutic, At
Speaker 1: least for me, it's therapeutic. And Bro, You've got an
Speaker 1: amazing story to tell, and hearing it come from you,
Speaker 1: it will resonate with people you know. Thanks for joining today. Ryan,
Speaker 1: I it's been a pleasure privileged speaking with you. I
Speaker 1: love what you're doing. Man, You've spread a lot of
Speaker 1: remind me a lot of Ellen de generous and that
Speaker 1: when I was in president, just like spreading like positivity
Speaker 1: out there at least to the masses and so hey,
Speaker 1: I'm faking just like everybody else. Thank you. Man. Hey,
Speaker 1: everyone out there, I need you to be sure and
Speaker 1: subscribe to Ryan's podcast to Ryan D. Leaf Show on
Speaker 1: the Believe Podcast Network that's b L e a V
Speaker 1: as well as YouTube as well as you too. I
Speaker 1: believe you can get the audio version, but on on
Speaker 1: YouTube you can actually get the video version too. So
Speaker 1: it's it's it's fun. It's a good group guys, fantastic Brian.
Speaker 1: I can't thank you enough, Buddy, come back sometime. Hey,
Speaker 1: thank you. Anything you ever need you just holler all right.
Speaker 1: Best of luck too. But with the law charges at
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