WEBVTT - Vol. 3: Ryan Leaf 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:03.600 Charges. That's created by Poor Delays and Control Media. It's 0:00:03.640 --> 0:00:07.320 produced by dB Podcasts in association with I Heart Radio. 0:00:10.640 --> 0:00:13.360 This time a former Son's player who you might remember 0:00:13.720 --> 0:00:16.000 as t Rex. More video in just a moment, But 0:00:16.120 --> 0:00:18.680 this is Rex Chapman's mug Shaun, and we are learning 0:00:18.680 --> 0:00:21.720 a lot more about the charger. Charger. But I don't 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:24.440 remember another positive thing. It's because of how I dealt 0:00:24.480 --> 0:00:28.840 with it. One moment ended it for him. No, I 0:00:28.840 --> 0:00:31.840 don't party right. I don't waste my high on anybody else. 0:00:32.080 --> 0:00:34.919 It's mine and mine alone. And if I can't be high, 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:38.680 I want to be dead. That's where I was. My 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:44.280 attic brain heard not only you a terrible football player, 0:00:44.320 --> 0:00:52.239 but you are a awful human being. Welcome to Charges. 0:00:52.760 --> 0:00:56.480 I'm your host, Rex Chapman. Today on the podcast, we 0:00:56.560 --> 0:00:58.280 have a guest who, in a lot of ways should 0:00:58.280 --> 0:01:00.960 be an inspiration to people. But we'll get into why later. 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:05.440 Today we welcome a former Charger to Charges. For those 0:01:05.440 --> 0:01:09.440 people who don't know, Ryan Leaf was a football prodigy, 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:12.760 an absolute stud in high school from a small town 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:16.840 in Montana. He's literally the only person from Montana to 0:01:16.880 --> 0:01:19.400 be drafted in the first ground of the modern day NFL. 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:22.000 He went to Washington State and finished third in the 0:01:22.040 --> 0:01:25.640 Heisman Race behind future Hall of famers Charles Woodson and 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:28.960 Peyton Manning. Ryan became the number two pick in the 0:01:30.080 --> 0:01:34.120 NFL Draft, behind Peyton Manning too, then San Diego Chargers. 0:01:34.680 --> 0:01:37.240 He started his career to and Oh, the first rookie 0:01:37.240 --> 0:01:39.720 to do that in sixteen years, the first rookie since 0:01:39.840 --> 0:01:42.560 John Elway. So in almost every way up, pure stud 0:01:43.040 --> 0:01:46.399 absolute talent. But as we all know, it isn't just 0:01:46.520 --> 0:01:50.280 physical ability that matters in life or sports. There are 0:01:50.320 --> 0:01:54.240 so many other factors to consider, mental health, surroundings, expectations, 0:01:54.680 --> 0:01:57.960 and today we're gonna talk with Ryan about his incredible 0:01:58.080 --> 0:02:01.360 rise and then what happens when things don't go as 0:02:01.440 --> 0:02:05.720 expected or as anticipated. Also, Ryan and I share a 0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:08.840 history with painkillers and opioids. Will talk about if you 0:02:09.240 --> 0:02:11.120 or a loved one is struggling, I want you to 0:02:11.160 --> 0:02:13.960 know there's help out there and we're here for you. 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:24.760 You are not alone, man, Brian, Ryan Leaf, I'm honored 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:27.680 really to have you joined here today. I know that 0:02:27.720 --> 0:02:31.359 this some of this stuff it's not comfortable or pleasant 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:35.120 to talk about um, but man, I'm excited to talk 0:02:35.160 --> 0:02:38.720 to you today. Well, I think, I think once you 0:02:39.919 --> 0:02:44.880 find acceptance in it, it's emotionally draining. Don't get me wrong, 0:02:45.080 --> 0:02:49.560 but you know, it's so free to tell your truth. 0:02:49.880 --> 0:02:52.960 It just is now. Um, you're not telling lies, you're 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:56.040 not covering things up, You're just this is who I am. 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:58.800 I'm okay with it. You don't like it, you know, 0:02:58.919 --> 0:03:03.000 too bad? Well it? You know. I obviously I knew 0:03:03.040 --> 0:03:05.840 you from football watching. You were kind of coming in 0:03:05.880 --> 0:03:08.800 as I was exiting my pro career, so I followed 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:11.959 you as a college player and then on into the pros, 0:03:12.000 --> 0:03:14.760 and then of course, you know with things that went 0:03:14.800 --> 0:03:17.640 on afterwards. But as I was reading up on you 0:03:17.680 --> 0:03:23.320 the last few weeks, um, so much of it really 0:03:23.400 --> 0:03:28.400 resonated with me and I. You're from Great Falls, Montana. 0:03:28.800 --> 0:03:33.040 How big is Great Falls? It's it's small, you know, 0:03:33.160 --> 0:03:37.760 it's it's small for anywhere else. It's fairly large for Montana, 0:03:37.800 --> 0:03:40.520 and I think around sixty people. It's about the same. 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:43.040 I grew up in Owensboro, Kentucky, in a town of 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:46.440 about fifty five sixty thousand people, and it was a 0:03:46.480 --> 0:03:50.360 great sports town. But from a very young age, I 0:03:50.480 --> 0:03:53.200 was like the best you know, in the grade and 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:56.840 in the school and all of that. And I lived 0:03:56.880 --> 0:04:01.400 my whole life by the statue sheet and whether we 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:04.720 won or lost, and that was my whole identity. So 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:08.400 when I was studying up on some of your stuff, 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:11.840 we're both from you know, small states. You know what 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:14.880 has football meant to you? What does it still mean 0:04:14.960 --> 0:04:17.640 to you? And uh, could you paint a picture for 0:04:17.839 --> 0:04:20.320 Great Falls for the listeners who you know, have no 0:04:20.400 --> 0:04:27.680 idea what it might look like. It's a really uh introverted, conservative, 0:04:27.720 --> 0:04:35.200 blue collar, undiverse town. And to your point, you know, 0:04:35.279 --> 0:04:38.200 I was far and away the best athlete um they 0:04:38.200 --> 0:04:41.880 had seen. I don't know, maybe ever, I'm the only 0:04:42.200 --> 0:04:44.279 Montana and it's ever been drafted in the first round 0:04:44.279 --> 0:04:48.040 of the NFL Draft. Ever, there are more first round 0:04:48.120 --> 0:04:50.240 draft picks in the Manning family than the whole state 0:04:50.240 --> 0:04:54.440 of Montana. Ever. So I didn't have a trailblazer. I 0:04:54.480 --> 0:04:57.360 just wanted to get out and I thought being a 0:04:57.440 --> 0:04:59.680 success was to get out of that small town and 0:05:00.520 --> 0:05:02.880 be a professional athlete. Whatever that look like. Basketball was 0:05:02.920 --> 0:05:04.640 it for me for so long. I mean, I just 0:05:04.839 --> 0:05:06.760 I love I saw you a jump shot. I saw 0:05:06.800 --> 0:05:09.000 you a jump shot, and I could jump, you know, 0:05:09.560 --> 0:05:12.120 for a white boy. Jalen Rose was my hero. I 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.200 wore you know, the gold shorts down to my ankles, 0:05:15.200 --> 0:05:17.560 like shaved my head. I had the black socks you know, 0:05:18.000 --> 0:05:22.280 that didn't fit very well in in Montana. My mom 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:24.839 I was so worried about what other people thought. She 0:05:24.960 --> 0:05:28.359 kind of really shamed me from a young age. What 0:05:28.400 --> 0:05:30.440 do you think made you do that? And I'm asking 0:05:30.480 --> 0:05:33.840 because I this sounds really familiar, but what made you 0:05:33.920 --> 0:05:36.920 sort of because you're gonna stand out if you do that, 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:39.719 what do you think that was about? I didn't necessarily 0:05:39.720 --> 0:05:41.760 think I would. I just didn't see it that way. 0:05:41.800 --> 0:05:44.440 I love Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen, 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:48.359 you know, and so that's who I envisioned who I was. 0:05:49.480 --> 0:05:51.960 And when I saw Kobe Bryant dunk for the first 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:54.040 time and turn himself into like a seven forty seven 0:05:54.080 --> 0:05:55.800 going down the court. I remember when I tried that 0:05:55.839 --> 0:05:57.560 for the first time, the damn coach pulled me off 0:05:57.560 --> 0:06:01.200 the side and bench me. You know it just I 0:06:01.320 --> 0:06:03.640 just was, I guess ahead of my time. You know. 0:06:03.720 --> 0:06:07.520 They just wanted their star athletes to be good at 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:11.400 the sport and just shut up and dribble essentially, and 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:13.080 I was I've never been that guy, I guess. I 0:06:13.160 --> 0:06:16.159 just you know, I was confident in myself and I 0:06:16.440 --> 0:06:18.000 I was a drug addict long before I ever took 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:21.880 a drug. I just the fear, the judgment, all the 0:06:21.920 --> 0:06:25.159 things that exist. My first drug of choice was just competition. 0:06:25.240 --> 0:06:26.840 Had to win at anything and everything, and I would 0:06:26.839 --> 0:06:28.960 embarrass you in the process. That's how I won if 0:06:28.960 --> 0:06:31.800 you treated me poorly. You know, I was kind of 0:06:31.800 --> 0:06:34.440 from the poor side of the river. Um, I didn't 0:06:34.440 --> 0:06:36.600 really want for anything. My parents did a tremendous job, 0:06:36.640 --> 0:06:38.560 but I mean there was another side of the river 0:06:38.600 --> 0:06:41.560 where the country club was and where those kids were, 0:06:41.640 --> 0:06:43.760 and I wasn't part of that group. I feel so 0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:47.880 much of that. Man. I think back and there's so 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:52.839 many parallels. How did the people in Great Falls treat you? 0:06:53.120 --> 0:06:55.919 I'm sure you were a star all through what middle school, 0:06:56.000 --> 0:07:00.840 high school. My fans and um, my coach, as you know, 0:07:00.960 --> 0:07:05.840 they liked it because we would win the state. Didn't 0:07:06.120 --> 0:07:10.720 really they didn't understand it. I remember my basketball coach 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:13.440 was out standing out in front during the JV game 0:07:13.520 --> 0:07:15.800 watching it, playing a gentleman. We were on the road 0:07:15.840 --> 0:07:18.360 and gentleman came walking up and asked Coach McClain, who 0:07:18.360 --> 0:07:21.120 was our head coach, whether that leaf boy was playing tonight, 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:24.720 and Coach McClain said, so, yeah, yeah, he's gonna be playing. 0:07:24.800 --> 0:07:27.320 You know, that's what he does. He's like, oh, that's great. 0:07:27.520 --> 0:07:29.760 I just came here to boo his ass, you know. 0:07:29.920 --> 0:07:33.720 And uh, And Coach McClain couldn't understand it, Like, like, 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:37.360 I rebounded hard, I played defense, I scored um, I 0:07:37.360 --> 0:07:39.160 could dunk. There wasn't many guys who could dunk in 0:07:39.200 --> 0:07:42.240 the state of Montana. I could shoot from distance, and 0:07:42.280 --> 0:07:44.760 I love to win. You know, maybe I didn't act 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:46.800 appropriately when I when we lost, you know, because I 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:50.040 was so distraught, and I looked at other guys like 0:07:50.080 --> 0:07:52.560 why didn't you give it everything you had like I did, 0:07:52.920 --> 0:07:54.760 because it just wasn't as important to them, you know. 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:57.440 And I understand that now, but at the time, I 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:00.400 was like, what's wrong with you? Were you mature? Early? 0:08:00.480 --> 0:08:02.920 You look like a different species out there that you're 0:08:02.920 --> 0:08:05.120 flying around the court and you're playing against a bunch 0:08:05.120 --> 0:08:07.600 of small, white guys, and I know what that felt like. 0:08:07.760 --> 0:08:11.000 But you looked you know, did you feel that way 0:08:11.560 --> 0:08:14.080 I could jump. I was athletic and I could jump, 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:17.200 and I love to compete, but I was I mean, 0:08:17.240 --> 0:08:19.760 I was six four hundred and sixty five pounds, So 0:08:19.880 --> 0:08:22.880 I mean I wasn't like, I wasn't a beast or anything. 0:08:22.920 --> 0:08:26.119 You know. It was a tall, lanky, you know, string 0:08:26.200 --> 0:08:29.160 being that was rolling around the state of Montana. And 0:08:29.200 --> 0:08:32.160 then and then we won a state championship in football 0:08:32.200 --> 0:08:34.760 my junior year, and I was named the starter, and 0:08:34.800 --> 0:08:36.920 I and all of a sudden, I started getting recruited 0:08:36.960 --> 0:08:39.800 by like every college in the country for football. And 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:43.200 I'm like, I mean, I guess I like quarterback, that's 0:08:43.440 --> 0:08:46.120 you know, but why not? You know, why not? So 0:08:46.960 --> 0:08:48.880 I put on a few extra pounds and in a 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:52.840 way we ran That's amazing. Um. You know, I think 0:08:52.880 --> 0:08:55.880 back to growing up. I had my circle of friends 0:08:55.880 --> 0:08:59.120 and and there's a fine line. I obviously you've heard 0:08:59.160 --> 0:09:01.520 the people they've heard to you as an asshole. What 0:09:01.640 --> 0:09:06.040 gets me is that every talent scout ever, they're looking 0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:08.560 for a guy or an athlete that's got a little 0:09:08.559 --> 0:09:10.960 asshole in him, it's got a little prick in them. Right. 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:14.160 That's supposed to be a good thing, because I think back, 0:09:14.200 --> 0:09:16.840 and for sure I didn't really have it off of 0:09:16.880 --> 0:09:19.880 the court, but everything that I was competing on ping pong, 0:09:20.200 --> 0:09:23.120 it didn't matter. You know, I was trying to win 0:09:23.559 --> 0:09:26.400 and at all costs. I was able to shut that 0:09:26.480 --> 0:09:29.400 off in pretty much every other area though me too, 0:09:29.600 --> 0:09:33.920 I was this quiet introvert off the court. And guess what, 0:09:34.080 --> 0:09:36.800 all the people that talked to the media and heard 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:39.040 that I was an asshole, those weren't my real friends. 0:09:39.400 --> 0:09:41.280 None of my real friends would have ever said that. 0:09:41.480 --> 0:09:44.040 The guys that I that I actually shared with and 0:09:44.080 --> 0:09:45.960 spent my time with, and who knew who I was 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:49.439 and knew the fragile state of my you know, my consciousness, 0:09:49.640 --> 0:09:52.000 you know, they would have never said that. What's so 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:54.800 shameful about is is that I'm a kid, right, and 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:59.200 like the state railed against me and shamed me. You know, 0:09:59.240 --> 0:10:01.160 when I was up for Heisman Trophy, they did a 0:10:01.200 --> 0:10:04.400 poll and I finished fourth in my hometown. It just 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:06.760 it is what it is. But I had every opportunity to, 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:09.280 like because I was just a kid. These were just 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:12.280 all they were all adults, you know, and and so 0:10:12.480 --> 0:10:14.760 I had every opportunity when things went well for me 0:10:15.600 --> 0:10:18.480 to come home and take the high road and make 0:10:18.840 --> 0:10:21.280 them a part of it, Like, make them a part 0:10:21.280 --> 0:10:23.480 of the journey, and be like, you know what, neither 0:10:23.480 --> 0:10:24.960 one of us knew what the hell we were doing. 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:28.319 We're the first. I'm not gonna hold that against you. 0:10:28.559 --> 0:10:30.640 Let's do this together. Let's go on a journey together 0:10:30.679 --> 0:10:33.760 as a town, as a state. But instead I came 0:10:33.760 --> 0:10:37.800 home and was like, I fucking told you, I told 0:10:37.840 --> 0:10:41.400 you you all can go funk off, all right, I 0:10:41.480 --> 0:10:44.080 am my god, and you are about to watch it 0:10:44.120 --> 0:10:47.320 play out. And that's what a mindset to have. And 0:10:47.320 --> 0:10:50.040 that's just the ego. That's the ego monster that just 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:53.360 took over. And like the resentment, that's resentment. I resented 0:10:53.400 --> 0:10:55.880 them so much that I was willing to you know, 0:10:57.320 --> 0:10:59.920 rail against them rather than to you know, taking the 0:11:00.040 --> 0:11:02.760 high road and showing love. That's it's the hardest thing 0:11:02.800 --> 0:11:05.880 to do, yeah, man, especially when you're you know, you're 0:11:06.400 --> 0:11:09.760 we're kind of wired to compete and uh, you know, 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:14.600 showing that humility and vulnerable, being vulnerable. It took me 0:11:14.640 --> 0:11:16.840 a long time, man, it just did. How did you 0:11:16.920 --> 0:11:20.839 end up at Washington State? Mike Price, the head coach, 0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:23.560 you know, I was recruited by pretty much everybody. He 0:11:23.679 --> 0:11:28.680 called the day of the Rose Bowl January asked what 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:30.040 I was doing. I told him I was watching the 0:11:30.120 --> 0:11:33.720 Rose bowls U C. L A and Wisconsin playing, and 0:11:33.760 --> 0:11:35.480 he just said, Hey, I'll make you a deal, Ryan, 0:11:36.440 --> 0:11:38.400 you come to Washington State, you and I will play 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:42.240 in that game together. And I just I bought it, 0:11:42.559 --> 0:11:45.040 hook line and sinker. You know, I hadn't done any research. 0:11:45.080 --> 0:11:48.800 I hadn't realized I hadn't been there since ninety one. Um, right, 0:11:49.200 --> 0:11:51.360 you know, if were you like me, I promised when 0:11:51.400 --> 0:11:55.080 I got to college, I didn't know nor care about 0:11:55.240 --> 0:11:59.480 anybody else like pat Riley played here. Didn't know that, 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:01.760 just thought he was the coach of the Lakers. And 0:12:01.880 --> 0:12:05.679 I can remember thinking, just thinking. I never said it, 0:12:06.000 --> 0:12:08.200 but I can remember thinking, oh, you guys haven't seen 0:12:08.240 --> 0:12:12.400 anything like me, apparently, and so I'm telling you I 0:12:12.520 --> 0:12:16.079 had this mindset. People have never seen a guy run 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:18.839 and jump like me. And I wondered, did you feel 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:23.240 much the same in football? Because you know your Heisman season, Dude, 0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:26.280 you had for the most part better numbers in Peyton. Uh, 0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:30.800 you end up finishing behind Charles Woodson. No shame in that? Um? 0:12:30.840 --> 0:12:33.080 What was that season, like for you on the field 0:12:33.520 --> 0:12:42.000 dream come true. This year a tremendous crop of quarterback 0:12:42.040 --> 0:12:45.240 talent in the Pac tenant, maybe the deepest ever, and 0:12:45.320 --> 0:12:47.199 the guy at the top of that class was certainly 0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:51.560 Fly and leave an athlete first, football player second and 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:57.559 quarterback third. Tough, aggressive, emotional Zimbonic of his spicy Cougar compadres. 0:12:58.080 --> 0:13:00.760 Every Cougar that's ever gone to school at should State, 0:13:01.080 --> 0:13:02.719 it's their goal to go to the Roads Bowl, and 0:13:02.760 --> 0:13:05.480 he's taking little bowl. Um. We used to compare him 0:13:05.480 --> 0:13:08.160 to Drew Bled, So now everybody's gonna be compared to 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:14.160 Ryan Lee. Dream come true. It was easy just step 0:13:14.160 --> 0:13:15.520 on the field and we kind of had our way 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:18.600 with everybody. We were prepared, We knew what we were doing. 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:21.360 We had come together as a team. We were kind of, 0:13:21.720 --> 0:13:23.320 you know, a bunch of players that were from the 0:13:23.320 --> 0:13:26.080 Island of Misfit Toys, Guys from j C's and who 0:13:26.160 --> 0:13:28.440 had problems in high school that probably could have gone 0:13:28.440 --> 0:13:31.360 to USC and things like that from southern California and 0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:35.600 we ended up getting them. And I mean just we 0:13:35.679 --> 0:13:37.920 just played so well together. There's twenty six seniors on 0:13:37.960 --> 0:13:41.080 the team. Open the year against U C l A 0:13:41.120 --> 0:13:44.280 and USC beat them both and we were just off 0:13:44.280 --> 0:13:47.320 and running. It was It was special, best year of 0:13:47.360 --> 0:13:49.640 my life when it came to competing with the guys. 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:53.800 I competed with um so much fun, so much fun. 0:13:54.000 --> 0:13:57.160 What stands any any specific place stand out for your 0:13:57.240 --> 0:14:00.520 teammates in the moment that you think about when you 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:04.920 think back about, you know, being on that national stage. Yeah, 0:14:05.040 --> 0:14:07.839 my offensive linement, two of them were walk on uh 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:10.640 my five wide receivers. They called themselves the fab five. 0:14:11.600 --> 0:14:13.640 You know, my old lineman felt jealous, so they nicknamed 0:14:13.679 --> 0:14:17.800 themselves the fat five. Um nice, you know. And then 0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:19.440 I had we had a tight end and running back 0:14:19.440 --> 0:14:22.440 and myself. You know, we were balanced. We averaged five 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:25.600 and fifty yards of offense three thirty two twenty rushing. 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:28.120 We were we were ahead of our time and what 0:14:28.160 --> 0:14:30.600 we were doing as an offense. I led the nation 0:14:30.640 --> 0:14:32.680 in passing. I just found that out like a year ago. 0:14:32.760 --> 0:14:34.560 Doing one of my radio shows. Someone brought that to 0:14:34.560 --> 0:14:37.440 my attention. I'm like, you serious, Yeah, don't poo poo 0:14:37.560 --> 0:14:39.920 that man, that's big ship. Peyton Manning was was in 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:44.720 that draft class and I still led the nation passing. No, 0:14:44.800 --> 0:14:47.520 it was a great year. Everything played out like we 0:14:48.600 --> 0:14:51.240 and we wanted it to. We didn't quite win the game, 0:14:51.320 --> 0:14:55.000 but there was a controversial ending a rule change because 0:14:55.000 --> 0:14:57.360 of it and spiking the ball with the amount of 0:14:57.440 --> 0:15:00.280 time left on the clock. And so coach Bryce always 0:15:00.280 --> 0:15:01.800 tells everybody that we didn't lose that game, we just 0:15:01.880 --> 0:15:03.960 ran out of time, and I couldn't agree with him more. 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:07.800 I want to ask you how you've handled the fame 0:15:07.920 --> 0:15:10.840 portion of your college career. I know it was a 0:15:10.840 --> 0:15:13.800 bit of a mixed bag for me, and sometimes I 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:18.720 liken it too, you know, being a child actor, because 0:15:18.800 --> 0:15:20.840 you know, if you're if you're on a show from 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:22.880 the time you're eight to twelve, the world knows you 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:25.800 like that, and you're kind of that's what they think 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.040 of you. And you have a chance that you know, 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:32.000 you have an arrested development. And I for sure from 0:15:32.040 --> 0:15:36.280 age fifteen to thirty five, maybe forty five, how did 0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:39.000 you handle that fame in college? There was a joke 0:15:39.240 --> 0:15:41.080 there was a joke that Sports Illustrated ran, what's the 0:15:41.080 --> 0:15:44.200 difference between God and Ryan Leaf? God doesn't think he's 0:15:44.280 --> 0:15:50.600 Ryan Leaf? And uh, I thought it was hilarious. You see, 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:52.360 and you can laugh at it now. Yeah, I just 0:15:52.400 --> 0:15:53.800 thought I was better. I just thought it was a 0:15:53.800 --> 0:15:56.040 better person than you because I could play this silly 0:15:56.080 --> 0:16:00.160 game that made me a better person, which is you're 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:03.960 exactly right, it's outrageous. It was arrested development, probably like 0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:06.320 thirteen years old, when I figured out that I had 0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:08.640 this golden arm that could put me on a pedestal 0:16:08.640 --> 0:16:10.520 and I could get away with things that other people couldn't. 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:13.640 In the consequences weren't the same. And that's where my 0:16:13.680 --> 0:16:17.960 development stopped. And so my maturity level was like that 0:16:18.040 --> 0:16:19.560 of a thirteen year old. So when I went into 0:16:19.600 --> 0:16:22.480 the NFL and I was the second overall pick and 0:16:22.520 --> 0:16:25.400 I was given thirty one million dollars, that was like 0:16:25.440 --> 0:16:27.560 given thirty one million dollars to a thirteen year old. 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:29.160 That's how I would liken it to it. And it 0:16:29.240 --> 0:16:32.760 was that's just a recipe for disaster, period, and that's 0:16:32.760 --> 0:16:37.080 exactly what it suited. Yeah, yeah, I get it, man, 0:16:37.440 --> 0:16:40.080 I do. When did you know you were ready for 0:16:40.120 --> 0:16:44.000 the draft? You know? I started hearing, you know, scouts 0:16:44.000 --> 0:16:47.360 when they come talk about how it was between me 0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:50.320 and Peyton, and I was just like, how's that possible? 0:16:50.360 --> 0:16:55.680 I'm really, um, where are you that taken aback by it? 0:16:56.000 --> 0:16:58.840 I'm walking around campus wearing a Danny Wharfel jersey, you know, 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:01.280 I'm I'm I'm about to be in the same sentence 0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:03.440 as him in terms of the Heisman Trophy, you know. 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:07.679 So it was a whirlwind, man, and then once it 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:11.320 became a realization like oh so this is the Yeah, 0:17:11.359 --> 0:17:13.080 this is real. I'm gonna be the first or second 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:16.760 pick in the NFL draft, then I was like, Okay, 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:19.520 that's about right. That's how it's supposed to be, and 0:17:19.560 --> 0:17:22.639 I'm gonna act accordingly. I could really see a shift 0:17:23.119 --> 0:17:26.600 after the Heisman Trophy too, right before the Rose Bowl 0:17:26.720 --> 0:17:30.399 was played, in like some interviews that I saw, I 0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:36.760 could see this behavior start to exhibit more. The asshole 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:40.760 prick was starting to really come out publicly. When I 0:17:40.800 --> 0:17:42.520 go back and I look at these interviews and stuff 0:17:42.560 --> 0:17:45.800 like that, just flippant uh answers, kind of like a 0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:50.440 petulant child, and just like, you know, dismissive of everybody 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:52.480 and everything. Like if I got a question from a 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:55.800 reporter that seemed nonsensical in my mind, I just looked 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:57.359 at them like they were crazy, Like what the fun 0:17:57.480 --> 0:18:00.760 is wrong? With you. Don't you know who I am? 0:18:00.800 --> 0:18:04.640 This is not worth my time? Go away. It's hard 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:08.320 to say it, but it's so true that it's just 0:18:08.440 --> 0:18:11.560 like you cannot not say that. That's the truth. And 0:18:12.840 --> 0:18:15.919 it doesn't cost me anything to to be vulnerable and 0:18:15.920 --> 0:18:18.760 transparent about it now because it happened and everybody saw it, 0:18:18.880 --> 0:18:22.000 because it was public. You know, I can only imagine 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:25.320 and look, I had depression and I'm sure mental illness 0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:27.840 growing up. I quit my high school team, you know, 0:18:27.960 --> 0:18:30.720 as the best player in the state. Probably you know, 0:18:30.800 --> 0:18:33.120 I was all over the map I would get in. Yeah, 0:18:33.119 --> 0:18:36.120 I was. I was dealing with undiagnosed mental health disorders 0:18:36.119 --> 0:18:38.919 that never knew about. You know, talk a minute about 0:18:40.400 --> 0:18:43.160 your desire to go to San Diego, all the hype 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:46.840 that was going to the draft rookie season. Well, I 0:18:46.920 --> 0:18:49.600 played on the West coast, on the Pac Ten. I 0:18:49.680 --> 0:18:51.800 had family who lived in Encinidas, which was just a 0:18:51.840 --> 0:18:56.040 suburb of San Diego. And you know, I was just like, 0:18:57.400 --> 0:18:59.760 who wouldn't want to live on the beach, in the 0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:03.119 on the babes, the money, and not in the middle 0:19:03.160 --> 0:19:07.080 of the Midwest in Indianapolis. Uh. I wasn't looking at 0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:09.560 the right things. I wasn't looking at that. Marshall Falk 0:19:09.640 --> 0:19:11.240 was in the backfield and Marvin Harrison was out on 0:19:11.280 --> 0:19:14.080 the perimeter. I wasn't looking at the right things. I 0:19:14.119 --> 0:19:16.880 just thought I was good enough, flat out good enough 0:19:17.000 --> 0:19:19.440 that I was gonna walk in there and do exactly 0:19:19.520 --> 0:19:22.639 what I did. But you don't understand, this is the 0:19:22.680 --> 0:19:25.199 one percent of the one percent. It's just it's a 0:19:25.240 --> 0:19:29.480 different animal and unless you're willing to work at it 0:19:29.520 --> 0:19:32.760 from Sunday to Sunday. Like every one of us has talent, 0:19:33.359 --> 0:19:35.480 everybody who gets drafted and gets to that point is talent, 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:37.040 some of us a little bit more than the other. 0:19:37.080 --> 0:19:40.560 Otherwise you wouldn't get drafted as high. But man, you'd 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:42.520 open the work from Sunday to Sunday. It it ain't 0:19:42.560 --> 0:19:48.040 happening that. It makes me think back and the year 0:19:48.080 --> 0:19:51.160 that I left college and went to the NBA. Um 0:19:51.200 --> 0:19:53.760 I went early, long story, we were going on probation, 0:19:54.359 --> 0:19:57.639 but uh, I left early, and so I was the 0:19:57.760 --> 0:20:01.000 youngest player in the league my rookie year, and I 0:20:01.040 --> 0:20:05.600 just remember going, you know, probably went and visited ten 0:20:05.680 --> 0:20:07.240 of the top teams that were going to be in 0:20:07.240 --> 0:20:13.360 the draft lottery, and I just remember feeling like a fraud, 0:20:14.040 --> 0:20:16.720 like I'm pretending to be a grown up here. I 0:20:16.760 --> 0:20:19.240 would go in. I was wearing a suit that I 0:20:19.240 --> 0:20:22.480 had just gotten. I remember being exhausted at the end 0:20:22.480 --> 0:20:24.760 of the day, you know, after going having to sit 0:20:24.800 --> 0:20:27.960 with the owner and the GM and pretend to be 0:20:28.080 --> 0:20:31.720 a fucking adult. I felt like a fourteen year old. 0:20:31.960 --> 0:20:35.000 And I wonder if you know, because I've seen some 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:37.640 of your interviews around that time, and and you know, 0:20:37.640 --> 0:20:40.560 knowing what we know now, you know, it fills in 0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:42.679 some of the blanks. But I just wonder, you know, 0:20:42.760 --> 0:20:46.520 did you feel some of that going on? Yeah, I 0:20:46.600 --> 0:20:50.760 was this adolescent with a egomaniac with a self esteem problem. 0:20:50.800 --> 0:20:52.240 This is what it was, you know. I never felt 0:20:52.359 --> 0:20:55.720 the self esteem problem, Ryan. I had just been shamed 0:20:55.760 --> 0:20:59.720 my whole life from so many people, starting with my mother, 0:21:00.920 --> 0:21:06.000 two my whole state to the media. So I just, 0:21:06.880 --> 0:21:08.359 you know, I didn't feel comfortable. I thought I was 0:21:08.400 --> 0:21:10.720 an overweight quarterback. I thought it was kind of like 0:21:10.800 --> 0:21:14.800 chubby and fat and not attractive, and so I it 0:21:14.880 --> 0:21:16.840 was just it was all a persona. It was not 0:21:16.960 --> 0:21:19.000 there never really me. There was only a few people 0:21:19.040 --> 0:21:22.119 that ever really truly got to know who Ryan was, 0:21:22.840 --> 0:21:26.800 and did you know who you were? No, no idea. 0:21:27.320 --> 0:21:29.280 You know. I was a football player. That's that's all 0:21:29.320 --> 0:21:32.439