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Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for

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Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse,

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Speaker 1: domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised.

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Speaker 1: Episode one, Shining Star. My name is Emmy. For as

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Speaker 1: long as I can remember, I've been looking for love

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Speaker 1: for a while, I was looking in all the wrong places.

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Speaker 1: I covered that ground in season one. I looked for

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Speaker 1: love from guys who were jealous. If they wanted to

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Speaker 1: possess me, then they must have loved me. I looked

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Speaker 1: for passion, passion that came alongside volatility and violence. And

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Speaker 1: last season I tried to figure out why I settle

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Speaker 1: for that type of love, and surprise, surprise, I traced

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Speaker 1: that back, following a trail of crumbs back to my childhood.

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Speaker 1: In my childhood memories, I found evidence of where so

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Speaker 1: much of my behavior came from. I was desperate for love.

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Speaker 1: I never got it from my dad, who was basically

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Speaker 1: out of the picture. I was desperate for attention from

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Speaker 1: my mom, who had me at age fourteen, who was

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Speaker 1: addicted to heroine, who was in and out of my life,

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Speaker 1: who left me to be raised by my grandma, My

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Speaker 1: Mammy Leicha, and then Mammilicha ended up in prison herself

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Speaker 1: after doing business with a Mexican drug cartel. I felt abandoned.

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Speaker 1: I thought I was unlovable. But that's my narrative, that's

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Speaker 1: my memory, just part of the truth. If my mom

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Speaker 1: were to tell you the story of my life, how

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Speaker 1: would she tell it. My mom Ila was in her

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Speaker 1: addiction for most of my life. But things are different now.

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Speaker 1: My mom's clean, She's present in my life. It's complicated,

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Speaker 1: for sure, but it's better than it's ever been. It's

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Speaker 1: taken me years, but I've done a lot of work

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Speaker 1: to forgive my mom, and now I want to listen

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Speaker 1: to her story because her story it's my story too.

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Speaker 1: I want to try to understand how we got trapped

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Speaker 1: in these cycles of addiction, violence and chaos, how we

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Speaker 1: all ended up settling for crumbs. I'm emmy and this

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Speaker 1: is crumbs. It's a show what the things we settle

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Speaker 1: for and the bits of ourselves that make us who

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Speaker 1: we are. In every conversation that my mom and I have,

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Speaker 1: I ask her why things happen, why this event happened,

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Speaker 1: or why things went down the way they did. She

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Speaker 1: says Emmy. We had really good times too, but you

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Speaker 1: only remember the negative. She's always seemed to see things

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Speaker 1: differently than I do, and that has made me mad

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Speaker 1: in the past. But maybe there's beauty in that. I

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Speaker 1: guess we'll find out. Hi, Mom, Hi, how are you feeling.

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Speaker 2: I'm feeling okay, I feel good, excited, so much to

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Speaker 2: talk about.

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Speaker 1: Okay. You know, I had a conversation with my dad yesterday.

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Speaker 3: Oh you didn't mention that.

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Speaker 1: I was wondering why yesterday I was feeling off in

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Speaker 1: the afternoon. There was something that I just felt vulnerable,

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Speaker 1: I felt raw, I felt like I needed to cry.

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Speaker 1: And then I remember that I talked to my dad

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Speaker 1: earlier that day. You know, my dad's been in his

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Speaker 1: addiction almost his entire life. He nearly died recently, yes,

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Speaker 1: and that was it was difficult to see my grandmother

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Speaker 1: go through that with him. So when I talked to

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Speaker 1: him yesterday, I had this I had a really direct

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Speaker 1: conversation with him about when are you going to put

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Speaker 1: that shit down and enjoy life?

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Speaker 3: And what did he say?

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Speaker 1: You know, he said he was going to do good.

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Speaker 1: But we already know from our own experiences that what

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Speaker 1: that phrase means to me, right, so kind of give

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Speaker 1: him a little lecture. But it's just like left me

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Speaker 1: thinking I felt compassion for the man right. After all,

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Speaker 1: he is my father. Even though he wasn't part of

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Speaker 1: my childhood, he's still my biological father.

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Speaker 2: It's funny that you bring this up, because just the

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Speaker 2: day before yesterday, your nana and I were having this

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Speaker 2: conversation where she just thinks it's she doesn't understand how

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Speaker 2: when it comes to your dad you're a little cold,

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Speaker 2: How you don't feel this.

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Speaker 3: Oh no, my dad is sick.

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Speaker 2: I have to be there for him, and I just

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Speaker 2: I wanted to find the right ways, right words without

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Speaker 2: hurting her feelings, to let her know like he's never

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Speaker 2: been there for her, he's never given her any affection, warmth,

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Speaker 2: any of his time. But I just knew that deep

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Speaker 2: down inside you felt something. And now that you're saying

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Speaker 2: how you were feeling vulnerable yesterday, I understand.

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Speaker 1: I feel like maybe you know my dad a little

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Speaker 1: bit better than I do.

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Speaker 3: I think, so, yes, why.

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Speaker 1: Don't you tell me about him? How did you meet him?

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Speaker 2: I'm in the seventh grade and my mom she protected

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Speaker 2: me so much I couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't go outside.

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Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden, once I started getting

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Speaker 2: my period, I started changing.

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Speaker 3: I don't know what it was, but I started.

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Speaker 2: Sneaking out of the house and ditching school and experimenting

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Speaker 2: with weed and all that alcohol. So one day, another

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Speaker 2: friend and I we ditched school and we were in

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Speaker 2: her room going through her phone book, just calling people,

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Speaker 2: you know, guys, and I saw this name and this

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Speaker 2: phone number and it said Neto, And I was like, Netho,

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Speaker 2: what kind of a name is that? Well, let me

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Speaker 2: call him. But the person that answered was his brother,

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Speaker 2: your uncle. So I build a friendship with him, and

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Speaker 2: my friend built a friendship with your dad. And now

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Speaker 2: and then I would talk to your dad, and I

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Speaker 2: really liked your dad's voice.

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Speaker 1: How old was he?

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Speaker 2: He was sixteen. He was also young, but he lived

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Speaker 2: a little more. He had a more experience, more life

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Speaker 2: experience than you have. Yes, how did he describe himself?

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Speaker 2: Did you ask? Were you curious?

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Speaker 3: No? I just fell in love with that voice.

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Speaker 1: What about his lifestyle?

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Speaker 2: His lifestyle was a lot like mine. So I was

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Speaker 2: really attracted to that. He was a homeboy, and at

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Speaker 2: that time, you know, that's what I was into.

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Speaker 1: So tell me about meeting him for the very first time.

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Speaker 1: Wait a minute, how long did you talk to him

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Speaker 1: on the phone before meeting him?

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Speaker 3: I want to say a couple of months.

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Speaker 1: Oh wow. Okay.

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Speaker 2: One day, it must have been a Saturday or something.

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Speaker 2: A friend of mine and I took the bus to

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Speaker 2: the mall and we called him and he said, come

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Speaker 2: meet me at a certain park. So he jumped on

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Speaker 2: the bus and went and there he was, and he

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Speaker 2: looked nothing like what I expected.

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Speaker 1: Wait, wait, what did you expect? Paint the picture for me.

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Speaker 1: I'm just curious to see what you expected this homeboy

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Speaker 1: to look like that.

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Speaker 2: I thought he was just a tall, dark and handsome

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Speaker 2: type of homeboy. And he was, you know, about my

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Speaker 2: heighth and had a black eye.

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Speaker 1: And what did you think of him at first?

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Speaker 2: Like, eh, that's literally what I thought. But he had

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Speaker 2: these beautiful eyes and just stared at me in a

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Speaker 2: way that no one had ever no one had ever

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Speaker 2: looked at me the way he did.

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Speaker 1: You thought, Ill, Yet he was giving you this attention.

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Speaker 2: Yes, it didn't make me uncomfortable, but it was sort

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Speaker 2: of as my friend wasn't there, and yet she was.

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Speaker 2: He wore the saggy Khakis and the Penaltons, and you know,

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Speaker 2: he had a nice low writer at sixteen. I'm sure

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Speaker 2: it was your dust car, but he drove around in

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Speaker 2: this really nice lowriter. And so after he said nothing,

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Speaker 2: you know, he walked us around the park and walked

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Speaker 2: us to the bus stop when it was time to leave.

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Speaker 2: But that evening, when he called to speak to my friend,

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Speaker 2: he said, no, I want to talk to you, and

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Speaker 2: I just thought it was weird. And it was weird

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Speaker 2: because I wanted to talk to him too. And what

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Speaker 2: happened next I would come home from school, he would

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Speaker 2: call me. We would spend hours on the phone talking

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Speaker 2: about everything and nothing, I mean whatever kids that age

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Speaker 2: would talk about at that time. He loved music. I

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Speaker 2: know you know that about him. But he was ready

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Speaker 2: to have more than just a phone relationship.

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Speaker 3: I wasn't.

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Speaker 2: I was so young, and you know I never really

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Speaker 2: had friends or anything, and certainly not a boyfriend. Now

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Speaker 2: he wanted to see me on a regular basis. I

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Speaker 2: couldn't just ask for permission to go out with him,

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Speaker 2: and so I started lying to my parents as to

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Speaker 2: where I was going, and he would pick me up

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Speaker 2: in his car and It was not that long before

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Speaker 2: he was taking me to this park, this park that

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Speaker 2: was known as the Wing. It's in South San Diego

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Speaker 2: Montgomery Park, but we called it the Wing because there's

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Speaker 2: an actual wing from a bomber playing buried there.

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Speaker 3: It's a California landmark. Even know this for a very

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Speaker 3: long time.

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Speaker 2: What made this place special is that everyone on the

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Speaker 2: South Side from Santes Cedral del Sol or other neighborhoods

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Speaker 2: would go there and hang out. And when I was

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Speaker 2: growing up, at night there was these beautiful low writers that.

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Speaker 3: Would cruise the park and meet up.

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Speaker 2: For many of us, meeting at the Wing was like

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Speaker 2: forbidden because while our parents knew what went on, so

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Speaker 2: we weren't allowed.

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Speaker 3: To go there.

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Speaker 2: People would drink and get high, some people would hook up.

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Speaker 2: It was like the spot for all the young people

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Speaker 2: to go in the South Bay area. So Mi and

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Speaker 2: Etta would go to this Wing. We would just sit

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Speaker 2: there and you know, make out. We were in love.

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Speaker 1: What did love feel like for you? As a thirteen

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Speaker 1: year old kid? Essentially, love for.

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Speaker 2: Me was thinking about him all day long, writing his

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Speaker 2: name all over my books and school work. I couldn't

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Speaker 2: focus on anything anymore. Wearing his T shirt to me

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Speaker 2: that was like, oh, it's huge, and just wanting to

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Speaker 2: be on the phone with him all the time. And

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Speaker 2: that was enough for me, but it wasn't enough for him.

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Speaker 2: He was very demanding and pretty much said, if you

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Speaker 2: love me.

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Speaker 1: Oh, the classic line. Yes.

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Speaker 2: So one night there was a school dance and I

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Speaker 2: had permission to go with my friends. My mother dropped

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Speaker 2: me off at the front of the school and promised

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Speaker 2: to pick me up when the dance was over.

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Speaker 3: And so as soon as.

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Speaker 2: She drove off, your father was already waiting for me,

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Speaker 2: and so I left with him, and I remember we

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Speaker 2: went to the Wing and I think we had already

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Speaker 2: planned that, Okay, this was going to be where I

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Speaker 2: was going to show him just how much I loved him.

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Speaker 2: And so that's when you were conceived at the Wing.

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Speaker 1: How did that feel?

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Speaker 2: I remember when I came home that night, I just

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Speaker 2: felt like really dirty, like I had done something horrible,

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Speaker 2: because in reality, I had done this to prove to

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Speaker 2: him how much I loved him, but not because I

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Speaker 2: wanted to. I wasn't ready for this, and I feel

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Speaker 2: like my father maybe felt something because when I walked

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Speaker 2: in the door, he slapped me.

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Speaker 3: That was the first.

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Speaker 2: Time, the only time that my father ever put his

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Speaker 2: hands on me, and so I stayed home from school

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Speaker 2: the next day. I remember I just wanted to sit

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Speaker 2: in a bathtub and soak. I just felt so horrible.

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Speaker 2: And then I didn't hear from him for a while.

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Speaker 2: How long, I don't know, maybe a week. But you

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Speaker 2: have to remember that we were on the phone all

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Speaker 2: the time. So for me, this was horrible. Why wasn't

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Speaker 2: he calling me? Why wasn't he there when I called him?

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Speaker 3: What was going on?

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Speaker 1: That's such a terrible feeling. It was because I can

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Speaker 1: relate to it. You know, you have this rapport with

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Speaker 1: someone and then you're with them, texting or talking to

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Speaker 1: them all the time, and then you hang out and

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Speaker 1: then it stops abruptly. So it's like the message that

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Speaker 1: I guess that, well, that's all you wanted, Like I

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Speaker 1: don't ming exactly.

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Speaker 2: I felt so used and more because when he dropped

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Speaker 2: me off that night, he dropped me off at the corner,

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Speaker 2: so I walked home from the corner to my house

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Speaker 2: and in the middle of the night, and I just

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Speaker 2: felt so dirty, And I don't remember how we started

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Speaker 2: talking again or what his excuse was And of course

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Speaker 2: after this, we repeated the trip to the wing a

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Speaker 2: few more times, so.

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Speaker 1: You never knew why he didn't call.

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Speaker 2: Nope, I felt pretty used and I felt ashamed. Maybe

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Speaker 2: it was just a game for him, you know, he

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00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,880
Speaker 2: got what he wanted and now he could go back

242
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Speaker 2: to his homeboys about our time at the wing. Maybe

243
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,800
Speaker 2: he moved on to his next conquest. I just know

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Speaker 2: that when he did call me, nothing else mattered to me.

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Speaker 2: It felt amazing. When he did call, I totally forgave

246
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Speaker 2: him and we went back to normal.

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Speaker 1: So then what happened.

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Speaker 2: That was probably the happiest time of my life. And

249
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Speaker 2: I just continued to see your dad every chance I got.

250
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,280
Speaker 2: I signed up for summer school because the classes were

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Speaker 2: going to be at the schoo that he went to,

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Speaker 2: and so that meant that we'd be able to spend

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Speaker 2: more time together. I remember showing up for the first

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Speaker 2: day of school and I had to leave the classroom

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Speaker 2: to go to the bathroom and throw up, and your

256
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,480
Speaker 2: dad was there and he said, are you okay? And

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Speaker 2: I said, I don't feel good. I need to leave.

258
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Speaker 2: So that's when I started suspecting that I was pregnant.

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Speaker 1: What was going through your mind?

260
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:34,200
Speaker 2: I was scared, I was happy. It's like everything was

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00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:37,840
Speaker 2: about to change for me. I was no longer going

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00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:42,520
Speaker 2: to be that lonely child that watched her parents' fight,

263
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:48,320
Speaker 2: that had no friends, that slipt with the light on still.

264
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,360
Speaker 2: I was about to start my own family and be

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Speaker 2: happily ever after.

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Speaker 1: Like this enormous change would be a fresh start and

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Speaker 1: solve all your problems. I started hoping that I was

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Speaker 1: really pregnant, and you were fourteen. So I turned fourteen

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Speaker 1: on July eleventh. Then on July twenty first, I went

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00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,960
Speaker 1: and got a pregnancy test that planned parenthood.

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Speaker 2: Your father took me in his lowrider and I told

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00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,520
Speaker 2: your dad that I was pregnant. As soon as I

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Speaker 2: walked out of the doctor's room.

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Speaker 1: What was his reaction, Like.

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Speaker 2: He was as happy as me, as excited. Like we

276
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,720
Speaker 2: weren't thinking, like we're young, what are we going to

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Speaker 2: do with this child? How are we going to support

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00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,440
Speaker 2: this child? We didn't think about all that, all the consequences,

279
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,160
Speaker 2: everything that came with having a baby. We just thought

280
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Speaker 2: we're in love and we're having a baby. We got

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00:16:56,160 --> 00:17:00,880
Speaker 2: in the cart, and remember I told you how he

282
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Speaker 2: loved music, and that song Shining Star had just come out,

283
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,159
Speaker 2: and that was like one of the best moments of

284
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Speaker 2: my life because I'm in a low writer with this

285
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,000
Speaker 2: homeboy that I was in love with and loved me.

286
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Speaker 2: I'm about to have his child and this beautiful song

287
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,439
Speaker 2: and he's singing it to me. He sang it to

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Speaker 2: me the whole way to my sister's house because I

289
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Speaker 2: was too scared to go home.

290
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Speaker 1: So after he dropped you off, what happened next?

291
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Speaker 2: So he dropped me off at my sister's house and

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00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,919
Speaker 2: I told her, and so she called my mom and

293
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:01,439
Speaker 2: told my mom. Of course, my mom drove over there

294
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:10,600
Speaker 2: right away. My mom was crying and she was saying,

295
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,000
Speaker 2: how could you do this to me? And I didn't

296
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,760
Speaker 2: even want to look at her. And so she said, well,

297
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,639
Speaker 2: your dad doesn't want you coming back home. You're moving

298
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Speaker 2: out with him. And I was like, with who with

299
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,800
Speaker 2: this guy that you're pregnant with? You're leaving with him?

300
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,080
Speaker 2: And I'm like, no, wait, don't I hardly know him?

301
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:35,160
Speaker 2: Everything changed. Everything changed at that moment, all of a sudden.

302
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:38,440
Speaker 2: I was afraid, Like, like, she got real, your nana,

303
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:42,159
Speaker 2: your data, your dad's parents, they came and took me

304
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:46,199
Speaker 2: to their house. Your dad was there waiting for me,

305
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:51,720
Speaker 2: very happy, and I wasn't feeling the happiness that he

306
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:56,439
Speaker 2: was feeling, like I hardly know these people, right. That

307
00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:00,359
Speaker 2: was the beginning of a new life for me. You know,

308
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,639
Speaker 2: I had to live there.

309
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,320
Speaker 1: You were just a kid. Your mom kicks you out.

310
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Speaker 1: Maybe you felt happier when you thought this new life

311
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,080
Speaker 1: of yours was on your terms, but now you have

312
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:19,960
Speaker 1: no say in the matter.

313
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,560
Speaker 2: I sort of felt abandoned by Mammy Nitscha. As much

314
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,960
Speaker 2: as I fought for my freedom from my parents, they

315
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,520
Speaker 2: were all that I knew. I mean, I never had

316
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,840
Speaker 2: a sleepover at a friend's house as a child, and

317
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:40,359
Speaker 2: now they're sending me away to live with strangers. I

318
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,240
Speaker 2: must have been about five or six months pregnant when

319
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:46,640
Speaker 2: she stopped being angry with me. She took one look

320
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:50,080
Speaker 2: at my swollen belly and her anger was gone. She

321
00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:54,000
Speaker 2: instantly became excited about her grandchild. And let me just

322
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,560
Speaker 2: tell you that she already had fifteen grandkids, but this

323
00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:01,240
Speaker 2: one was going to be her child. So immediately she

324
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,120
Speaker 2: was back at being in control of my life. Even

325
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,520
Speaker 2: when I still lived with my new family, Familicha began

326
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:11,000
Speaker 2: to plan my future and my child's.

327
00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:13,439
Speaker 1: But you were still living at my nuns Did that

328
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:14,600
Speaker 1: get easier over time?

329
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:20,320
Speaker 2: I wasn't feeling that happiness that I thought I would.

330
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:26,359
Speaker 2: I missed being in school, I missed my friends, I

331
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:32,520
Speaker 2: missed my home, my parents. This life was a little

332
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,960
Speaker 2: too perfect for me. I was used to the chaos

333
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:41,520
Speaker 2: at my house, the violence. It's weird, but I think

334
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:47,119
Speaker 2: I missed all of that. These people were very nice.

335
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:50,400
Speaker 2: Your grandfather lived to work at a same time every

336
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,920
Speaker 2: day and got home at exactly the same time every day,

337
00:20:54,760 --> 00:21:00,119
Speaker 2: and I wasn't used to this. To the structure and

338
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:04,480
Speaker 2: sitting at the dinner table together, all of this was

339
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:05,000
Speaker 2: new for me.

340
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:11,639
Speaker 1: It's so interesting to me to hear that he felt

341
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,640
Speaker 1: like my dad's side of the family was so structured

342
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:18,440
Speaker 1: and Mamilicha side of the family was a little more chaotic,

343
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,399
Speaker 1: which for me was the complete opposite.

344
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,160
Speaker 2: Growing up, I felt really out of place with them.

345
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,800
Speaker 2: They were just so normal. But I did get used

346
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,560
Speaker 2: to them over time, so by the time I was

347
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,919
Speaker 2: like eight months pregnant, I had the best of the

348
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:40,040
Speaker 2: two families. Mammy Lecha and Papabeto your nana, your data.

349
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,440
Speaker 2: I made months pregnant, and your grandmother says, you need

350
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:50,680
Speaker 2: to get married. And I was like, what what do

351
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:55,000
Speaker 2: you mean married? Why? Because you have to be married

352
00:21:55,119 --> 00:21:59,160
Speaker 2: or you're going to have a bastard child. And so

353
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,800
Speaker 2: I had to get married. Both your nana and my mom,

354
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,680
Speaker 2: Mami Leicha, had to go to the courthouse and sign

355
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:17,440
Speaker 2: for us because we were both miners. I was eight

356
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:21,840
Speaker 2: months pregnant. Your dad was working at a fish market

357
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,840
Speaker 2: and he was wearing a white T shirt with fish

358
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,720
Speaker 2: blood stains all over.

359
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:28,440
Speaker 1: Par romantic.

360
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:44,359
Speaker 2: So we're married now, and weeks went by, and I

361
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:49,640
Speaker 2: start feeling contractions. It's the middle of the night, and

362
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,960
Speaker 2: your dad and one of my nieces take me outside

363
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:59,520
Speaker 2: to walk, and they take me all the way to

364
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:04,560
Speaker 2: the seven eleven and they start playing video games at

365
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:11,920
Speaker 2: the seventy eleven. Well, I'm I'm going through these contractions,

366
00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:14,680
Speaker 2: you know, and they're playing.

367
00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:24,200
Speaker 3: Pac Man or whatever it was. We go back home.

368
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:34,320
Speaker 2: And my mom drives us to the hospital and I

369
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:36,919
Speaker 2: remember one of my sisters telling me I could just

370
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:42,160
Speaker 2: see you in the labor room screaming and crying and

371
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:47,680
Speaker 2: screaming for your mom. And so in my head. I said,

372
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,040
Speaker 2: I am not going to scream. I'm not calling for

373
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:53,600
Speaker 2: my mom. I don't want an epidural, I don't want

374
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:57,679
Speaker 2: any numbing. I'm going to have this baby natural, and

375
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 2: I'm not going to complain, not one time. And that's

376
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:06,280
Speaker 2: exactly what I did. I had a natural childbirth. I

377
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,200
Speaker 2: didn't complain one time. I didn't scream, not once.

378
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:11,920
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ, Mom, that's insane.

379
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,320
Speaker 2: And your dad was there holding my hand through the

380
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:21,520
Speaker 2: whole thing. I remember when your dad saw you for

381
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:25,960
Speaker 2: the first time. I remember how he held you and cried,

382
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,439
Speaker 2: and he.

383
00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:32,560
Speaker 3: Was very happy. He was very emotional. He hugged you,

384
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,439
Speaker 3: he held you, and then he held me. It was

385
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:36,639
Speaker 3: a perfect little moment.

386
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,600
Speaker 1: It's hard for me to imagine my dad being so

387
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:46,159
Speaker 1: excited to see me and being emotional over meeting me

388
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,280
Speaker 1: for the very first time, just because of how our

389
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:53,480
Speaker 1: relationship has been our entire lives. But I also want

390
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,960
Speaker 1: to hear what it was like for you seeing me

391
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,520
Speaker 1: for the first time, how you felt.

392
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:04,600
Speaker 2: I remember looking at you because you didn't look anything

393
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:08,480
Speaker 2: like what I expected. I mean, yes, your dad has

394
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:13,720
Speaker 2: some beautiful green eyes, but he also has like dark black,

395
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:17,479
Speaker 2: curly hair. And you know, he's on the darker side,

396
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:22,520
Speaker 2: and here I'm holding this super blond baby with bright

397
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:27,520
Speaker 2: blue eyes, you know. And for a second I felt

398
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,320
Speaker 2: like this fear, like, oh my god, is he gonna

399
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,919
Speaker 2: think this isn't his baby? But no, it was nothing

400
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,240
Speaker 2: like that. The moment he saw you, he embraced you

401
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:48,840
Speaker 2: and cried and just loved you so much. So then

402
00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:53,560
Speaker 2: here comes the family. Everyone wants to see this baby,

403
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,719
Speaker 2: and I'm sure everybody was as surprised as I was.

404
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,800
Speaker 2: I could see it in your mommy's face. She was

405
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,520
Speaker 2: very happy to see that you were this beautiful, blonde,

406
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:09,639
Speaker 2: blue eyed baby. And it was your nana that decided,

407
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:14,119
Speaker 2: because you were such a different color from them that

408
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 2: she said eluero miwero, and I like that, so we

409
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,320
Speaker 2: all started calling Ueto, and that was your name for

410
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,879
Speaker 2: the next many many years forever.

411
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:36,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then what happened.

412
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:41,399
Speaker 2: I'm living at your nana's house. Back then, I was

413
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:44,520
Speaker 2: not a morning person. So if you woke up at

414
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:48,679
Speaker 2: five am on a Saturday wanting to be fed or

415
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,960
Speaker 2: needed a diaper change, guess who was going to get

416
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:55,639
Speaker 2: up and do all this? Your dad, one of your

417
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,840
Speaker 2: aunts used to make fun of him, because she would

418
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,040
Speaker 2: come over and he'd be like half asleep, you know,

419
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:05,959
Speaker 2: burping you or whatever, and she would ask, well, where's Hilda,

420
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:07,240
Speaker 2: how she sleeping? Me?

421
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:08,960
Speaker 3: Quiet?

422
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:13,000
Speaker 2: So, yeah, your dad, who was very much involved in

423
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:17,160
Speaker 2: your life as a baby, as a baby the first year.

424
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:24,960
Speaker 1: I feel like I should be happier hearing about this,

425
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,280
Speaker 1: that my dad was this loving, caring parent when I

426
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,879
Speaker 1: was a baby. But it's weird. I just think of

427
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,320
Speaker 1: him as a distant relative, not a dad.

428
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:37,720
Speaker 2: Really, you have to remember that you weren't even two

429
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:42,280
Speaker 2: years old when your dad started his addiction and has

430
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:47,840
Speaker 2: been in it since. So I don't know if that

431
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,840
Speaker 2: plays a role in this, but I'm assuming.

432
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:56,440
Speaker 1: So listening to you tell me how you met my

433
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,520
Speaker 1: dad and how I was conceived, and how both sides

434
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:03,000
Speaker 1: of the family he fought for me, you know, had

435
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:09,080
Speaker 1: this like warped perception of like not being loved right,

436
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:13,960
Speaker 1: like I wasn't enough yet. And hearing you tell you stories,

437
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,600
Speaker 1: I'm hearing how everybody loved me from the get go.

438
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,560
Speaker 1: Everybody just like fell in love with me from the

439
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:19,400
Speaker 1: moment they saw me.

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Speaker 2: Before you were even born. Everybody loved you like you

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Speaker 2: were the main focus of the family. You brought so

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Speaker 2: many people together because I mean, I had five baby

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Speaker 2: showers and that everybody wanted to hold you. Everyone wanted

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Speaker 2: to play with you, everyone wanted to babysit you. Everyone

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Speaker 2: everyone loved you, and you were a very happy baby.

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Speaker 1: It's hard to imagine me being such a happy baby

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Speaker 1: and such so much of my childhood was very sad

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Speaker 1: and dark. So hearing that at one point in my

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Speaker 1: life I had joy as a baby it makes me

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Speaker 1: feel good.

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Speaker 2: I thought I could pay my own way with this

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Speaker 2: new family, with you, our new baby.

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Speaker 1: When I think about the story of my life, it's

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Speaker 1: so easy to fixate on the bad things, and look,

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Speaker 1: there was a lot of bad, but I just honestly

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Speaker 1: never knew my parents were happy for a bit. I

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00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:48,920
Speaker 1: never even saw them together or really had my dad around.

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Speaker 1: My family, my Mamili jam Nana, everyone came together to

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Speaker 1: get excited about this baby me. It's nice to hear

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Speaker 1: about it, and I feel a pain like I missaid

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Speaker 1: on this feeling. But it also makes me wonder. With

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Speaker 1: so much love and potential here, how did I end

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Speaker 1: up feeling so distant from my parents? I know, my grandma,

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Speaker 1: my mammy, Lecha had something to do with it. She

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Speaker 1: was a force, our matriarch. She shaped us into the

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Speaker 1: women we are today, and I know she had a

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Speaker 1: big role in what happened next. Next time on Crumbs,

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Speaker 1: when did you realize when you see when Minita started working?

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Speaker 1: When did you realize what she did for a living?

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Speaker 3: Probably the time when the DEA agents showed up.

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Speaker 1: Hey, listeners, there's a lot of difficult subjects that we

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00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,440
Speaker 1: cover in this show. If you're someone you know needs help,

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00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:54,320
Speaker 1: you can reach the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services

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00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:58,360
Speaker 1: Administration Hotline at one eight hundred six six 's two

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00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:03,080
Speaker 1: four three five. They'll connect you with information and resources

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00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:07,080
Speaker 1: on treatment. There's also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at

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00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:10,840
Speaker 1: one eight hundred two seven to three t A l K.

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00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:14,760
Speaker 1: Both are available twenty four to seven. You don't have

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00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:17,440
Speaker 1: to be in crisis to reach out either. They're available

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00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:25,960
Speaker 1: for anyone who needs help. Crumbs is a Sonato production

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00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:29,400
Speaker 1: in partnership with Iheart's Michael Thura Network and Trojan Horse.

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00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:34,160
Speaker 1: It's produced by Hannah Bottom and edited by Margaret Catcher,

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00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:39,640
Speaker 1: Rodrigo Crespo, and Alex Umero, with support from Elizabeth Schutzel.

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00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:45,120
Speaker 1: Original music by Dee Peter Schmidt and engineering by Carosmgagna

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00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:50,120
Speaker 1: E Mandel Barra Studio, Recording by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio.

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00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 1: Executive produced by Cono Brn and Giselvan Says for iHeart,

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00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:59,240
Speaker 1: Alex Fumetro and Margaret Catcher for Trojan Horse, Gamila Victoriano

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00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:02,800
Speaker 1: and Joshua Wine sing fer Sonoro and me Emmi OLEA

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00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:07,560
Speaker 1: special things to Marina Cornellare and of course my mom

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00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:12,720
Speaker 1: Il Gambois. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple

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00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:15,280
Speaker 1: Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts