Speaker 1: You know if we're being real, right, if we're being real,
Speaker 1: be real, baby. I hate pregnancy. When last you've been pregnant?
Speaker 1: Right now? If I want to be real, I really
Speaker 1: wonder if women knew as much as they know while
Speaker 1: they're pregnant, if they regret it. I think that's a
Speaker 1: fair question. Dead as desk, I'm wondering. I don't want
Speaker 1: to know ded as. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the
Speaker 1: ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny videos
Speaker 1: with our boys and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 1: And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to
Speaker 1: talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple.
Speaker 1: That ads is the term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: Were about to take pillow talk to our whole new level.
Speaker 1: Dead ass starts right now. This is gonna be a
Speaker 1: candid story because, as a lot of people see on
Speaker 1: social media. I'm super excited about you being pregnant. Um,
Speaker 1: I love my kids with all my heart. I have
Speaker 1: to say that I love my kids with all my heart.
Speaker 1: But this story in particular happened last week. All right,
Speaker 1: happened last week. Coadina and I have been on a
Speaker 1: two week like love session, and we've just been loving
Speaker 1: each other. I've been loving my wife, whispering sweet, nothing's
Speaker 1: doing inversions, stretching her out, compliment her every day, tell
Speaker 1: her how beautiful she is. And then, um, I just
Speaker 1: felt a little bit that at she had kind of
Speaker 1: neglected me a little bit, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So I was just like, you know, it's two weeks
Speaker 1: I've been you know, complimentary. Let me just let her
Speaker 1: know that, Hey, just giving you little heads up that
Speaker 1: you kind of sleeping a little bit. And when I
Speaker 1: sat down to talk to Codeine, I was quiet for
Speaker 1: about smooth three minutes. It was about three minutes, right,
Speaker 1: and he was like, what's wrong? And I was just
Speaker 1: like nothing, because I was contemplating if I was gonna
Speaker 1: say something or not. Was something wrong? So I decided,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm gonna say something, not going to
Speaker 1: say nothing. I'm never not going right. So I said,
Speaker 1: I just wants you to notice you sleep walking a
Speaker 1: little bit. I understand you know everything, but I want
Speaker 1: to let you know, you know your husband still here.
Speaker 1: She didn't say nothing to me, She just looked at me.
Speaker 1: Then she got up and I said, you are right,
Speaker 1: and she goes, yeah, I'm all right. I'm just pay it,
Speaker 1: and then them out the room. So the topic of
Speaker 1: the show today is I love my kids, but I
Speaker 1: hate pregnancy. And the reason why we want to talk
Speaker 1: about this is because a lot of people see us
Speaker 1: and we enjoy the moments that you know, you guys
Speaker 1: see the moments, the two minute moments we put on
Speaker 1: social media and enjoy the moment. It's a lot more
Speaker 1: than those two minute moments with your children. A whole
Speaker 1: lot of granted, really quick baby. We would not have,
Speaker 1: I don't think continue to have more children if our
Speaker 1: boys were not so bombed as absolutely absolutely the kids.
Speaker 1: The kids are the only reason why we put up
Speaker 1: with pregnancy. Like, I love all three of them. They're
Speaker 1: also different, and it's literally like a show up in
Speaker 1: here every day dealing with the different personalities. It's great
Speaker 1: because even when our team comes into visit to do
Speaker 1: the podcast and stuff. They just laugh at like all
Speaker 1: the antics, you know what I mean, because they see
Speaker 1: they see what we live every single day. This is
Speaker 1: literally like these are the personalities. So with that being said,
Speaker 1: let me ask you this, right, Um, when they came
Speaker 1: time to think about having another child, you of course
Speaker 1: was just like, I want I have to go through
Speaker 1: another pregnancy. I understood that. You know, as much as
Speaker 1: I was pushing and pushing on one of the child,
Speaker 1: I understood that ultimately is going to come down to
Speaker 1: you because you're the one that has to come to pregnancy.
Speaker 1: I want you to tell the audience some things that
Speaker 1: you can't say. You feel like you can't say because
Speaker 1: if you said them, people would look at you like, oh,
Speaker 1: she's ungrateful, she has kids. What are some of the
Speaker 1: things women go through through the pregnant process where they
Speaker 1: feel like the emotions they feel that they feel like
Speaker 1: they can't say. Then now is your time to say, well, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean there's so so many different emotions and things.
Speaker 1: So we've already discussed all of the changes that happened,
Speaker 1: you know, physical, emotional. Um, However, you kind of have
Speaker 1: to tread lightly sometimes because I feel like we're in
Speaker 1: such a hyper sensitive state right now with everything. People
Speaker 1: are so easily offended, people are so ready to be
Speaker 1: upset about something, So I personally feel the need to
Speaker 1: have to tread lightly sometimes when I speak to someone
Speaker 1: candidly about pregnancy. One thing, advice is not always welcome,
Speaker 1: and sometimes unsolicited advice is some of the worst advice
Speaker 1: because it's like who to hell asked you anyway? You know? Um,
Speaker 1: So I'm very careful personally when I am giving advice
Speaker 1: or speaking of my um experiences to be mindful that
Speaker 1: it may not be something a woman wants to hear
Speaker 1: in that moment, or speaking about my journey to even
Speaker 1: conceive or having a miscarriage. Things like that are very
Speaker 1: sensitive topics because sometimes you just don't even know what
Speaker 1: women are dealing with. Some of it is very personal,
Speaker 1: very private, So it's kind of like you want to
Speaker 1: make sure that you're saying the right thing, and sometimes
Speaker 1: even when you do take the care to say the
Speaker 1: right thing, it's still not the right So pretty much
Speaker 1: it's unfair to paint a broad stroke over someone's experience,
Speaker 1: exactly like you can't say pregnancy is to any woman
Speaker 1: because every individual pregnancy is exactly I think the beauty
Speaker 1: and what we do is that we just give our experience,
Speaker 1: you know, which people have known us to do for
Speaker 1: the past six now six seasons. Um, I hope in
Speaker 1: giving my experience that people will say, Okay, this happened
Speaker 1: for them. My walk may not be the same. However,
Speaker 1: I know that I'm not alone if I'm experiencing something
Speaker 1: the same way. So I feel like the candid um
Speaker 1: experiences and telling those stories is necessary and that's why
Speaker 1: I continue to do so. But I can understand how
Speaker 1: for some women they're just like I just I don't
Speaker 1: want to hear it in that moment, or it may
Speaker 1: be a trigger, you know, for some people. So now
Speaker 1: people are putting up trigger warnings in the beginning of
Speaker 1: But here's what was some of your thoughts, like some
Speaker 1: of your deepest thoughts when you thought about being pregnant
Speaker 1: again that most women won't verbalize because they're afraid of judgment.
Speaker 1: Like what was one of the first things you felt like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be pregnant again. Is it fear? Is it? Like?
Speaker 1: What was one of your thoughts that you feel like,
Speaker 1: damn if I say this women are gonna kill me.
Speaker 1: But this is how I truly feel. Um, I don't
Speaker 1: think there was anything like that, only because this is
Speaker 1: something that I genuinely wanted. However, I did feel like
Speaker 1: people are gonna be like, oh, well, damn like having
Speaker 1: another kid, Like how many kids? Are too many kids?
Speaker 1: So when you say you're pregnant with your fourth, it's
Speaker 1: like when are they going to stop? Like is there
Speaker 1: a cap for them? Some people feel like they can
Speaker 1: put a cap on how many children somebody has, you know.
Speaker 1: So that was one thing that crossed my mind, like
Speaker 1: they're just like, oh, is she gonna do it again?
Speaker 1: Another thing I was kind of concerned about a little
Speaker 1: bit was like even just from some family thinking like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: I thought you were done because you wanted to do
Speaker 1: this that in the third with your career. Now you're
Speaker 1: gonna have to put all that on hold again because
Speaker 1: you're having what I want to know, because it really wasn't,
Speaker 1: but that's what you asked. Like what I was thinking, like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, people may think I think I think
Speaker 1: I'm framing I'm talking about for example, as a as
Speaker 1: a father, right when people said, oh, your wife's having
Speaker 1: another baby, right, your first thought processes. Let me say
Speaker 1: the right thing so that people I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: a good dad. You're like, yeah, I'm excited, like I
Speaker 1: love pregnancy, when truthfully, a lot of dudes just be like,
Speaker 1: I hate pregnancy. I hate I didn't think it would
Speaker 1: be like that for guys because I thought guys don't
Speaker 1: like pregnancy, so I think guys would be like what
Speaker 1: I mean, I've figured guys don't like pregnancy would never
Speaker 1: be like do you think that we could obviously like
Speaker 1: if someone say, or your wife is pregnant, you could
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, I know, ship. You can't say that.
Speaker 1: You know what you gotta do. You gotta you gotta
Speaker 1: be like, you gotta be like, yeah, I know, man,
Speaker 1: I'm excited. I'm excited. But amongst guys, the way you'll y'all,
Speaker 1: not not I won't say y'all, but the way sometimes
Speaker 1: men even just have like a negative like oh, you're
Speaker 1: getting married, damp. I feel like you can probably do
Speaker 1: the same thing with pregnancy if you feel like you're
Speaker 1: in a safe space with other men who understand what
Speaker 1: it is. I am talking about our safe space, but
Speaker 1: I'm talking about when you're not in a safe space.
Speaker 1: For example, you and I are public figures. Now you
Speaker 1: we can't just say, well, I know it sounds crazy,
Speaker 1: but we can't just say how we feel because every
Speaker 1: space is in a safe space, but our podcast is
Speaker 1: a safe space. So what I'm saying is I would
Speaker 1: like to hear some of the thoughts or concerns you had.
Speaker 1: For example, one of my first concerns was and this
Speaker 1: is what most men say, but this is what I said.
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to eat crow and deal with
Speaker 1: this attitude for ten months, and I can't say nothing,
Speaker 1: Like as a man, you have to gear up for
Speaker 1: that because because you know why. You know why your
Speaker 1: wife is pregnant, You wanted her to be pregnant. You
Speaker 1: know what she goes, so you understand all of that.
Speaker 1: But sometimes when you're getting snapped that constantly while trying
Speaker 1: to do the best, it can be like, yo, how
Speaker 1: many more these am I going to take before I
Speaker 1: lose my mind? And knowing that I have to, like
Speaker 1: I have to deal with him or something that that
Speaker 1: comes to mind now that you've expressed it that way,
Speaker 1: that didn't even have to deal with the general public,
Speaker 1: actually had to deal with you. I was like, now,
Speaker 1: for the next ten months. I'm want to have to
Speaker 1: hear this man or not hear him because he'll non
Speaker 1: verbally bitch and moan about how much he's not going
Speaker 1: to get sex. See that's but that's honest, and that's honest.
Speaker 1: I was just like, I was concerned about that, and
Speaker 1: I said to you, prior to us even deciding if
Speaker 1: we were going to have another baby again, did I
Speaker 1: do you understand what we're about to embark on? Do
Speaker 1: you understand what it looks like for me in the
Speaker 1: first second third, and do you understand that I'm going
Speaker 1: to be pretty much out of commission for the next year.
Speaker 1: Are you able to handle that? Are you willing to
Speaker 1: deal with that without making me feel bad? Without huffing
Speaker 1: and puffing around here, without having your mail down every
Speaker 1: couple of weeks, Like, is that something that you're gonna
Speaker 1: be able to deal with? Because if you don't feel
Speaker 1: like that's something you can deal with, we might as
Speaker 1: well scratch that because I don't feel like investing a
Speaker 1: year of my life into that. That's a fair that's
Speaker 1: a fair feeling. And I think that a lot of
Speaker 1: people don't express that that is a concern, But that
Speaker 1: is a concern, and as a woman, that was a
Speaker 1: concern for you, that's unfair, and you've expressed that to
Speaker 1: me and for you, you've expressed that to me, and
Speaker 1: I've tried my hardest to be cognizant of that, and
Speaker 1: you have. But that's initially what we had to talk about.
Speaker 1: But that's but those are the feelings that I want
Speaker 1: to hear. I want to hear I'm about to get pregnant.
Speaker 1: What is my conception? Okay, Well, in the beginning, you'd
Speaker 1: ask you about what other people would have thought if
Speaker 1: I was spoken to speak what were you What are
Speaker 1: you afraid to say that? You fear you're going to
Speaker 1: get judged from other people about? So? Yeah, so what
Speaker 1: were you afraid that was? That was on? So you're
Speaker 1: afraid you're afraid to say that publicly because most women
Speaker 1: don't want to get judgment or be judgment And if
Speaker 1: I do say that, allowed you know, and I'd say
Speaker 1: I was to create a post about it and say, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, my hus wants to get pregnant again, but
Speaker 1: that means I'm out of commission for a year. Blah
Speaker 1: blah blah. Like I just expressed, then, I know of course,
Speaker 1: the backlash will be, well, that's what he wanted, he
Speaker 1: wants another child. Da da, Men are so immature, this
Speaker 1: that the third or you get the adverse side of it,
Speaker 1: where it's just like, well, since that comes with the territory,
Speaker 1: this is what you wanted, this is what you asked for,
Speaker 1: So all of that comes along with me expressing something
Speaker 1: like that. So yes, in a safe space like this,
Speaker 1: I would be like, yeah, that's something that was a
Speaker 1: genuine concern for me. Because if I didn't care about
Speaker 1: you and how you might have felt, or or your
Speaker 1: our sex life or anything like that, then I could
Speaker 1: have been like, all right, well I'm gonna just have
Speaker 1: this baby and dads don't have to deal with it
Speaker 1: because he knows what it is. But I felt it
Speaker 1: was worth a discussion for us to have ahead of
Speaker 1: time so we can both be prepared or for what
Speaker 1: was about to happen. So that's one thing that I
Speaker 1: think was Um, it was definitely paramount and had to
Speaker 1: be had. UM. I was actually speaking with a friend
Speaker 1: recently and she was talking about, you know, she just
Speaker 1: had her second child recently, and she's just kind of like,
Speaker 1: I had no idea that this was going to be motherhood,
Speaker 1: and of course sometimes you have to preface it with
Speaker 1: I love my children, because we know you don't say that,
Speaker 1: and I think it's a parent it's understood, but we're
Speaker 1: talking about like general public people. Um, I love my children. However,
Speaker 1: if I knew everything that went into motherhood, I really
Speaker 1: would have second guest if I even wanted to be
Speaker 1: a mother to begin with. And I think that's a
Speaker 1: fear assessment. That's a fear too and early ye, a
Speaker 1: lot of stress, um, a lot of change, you know,
Speaker 1: for herself, She's like, you know, I love me and
Speaker 1: I love who I was pre children, and I just
Speaker 1: feel like there's no foreseeable me in sight. And that
Speaker 1: conversation then kind of spiraled into me telling her like says,
Speaker 1: aid's gonna get better, it's gonna get easier. Um, knowing
Speaker 1: now that she's done having children and her two can
Speaker 1: grow together and she's completely done, what is it that
Speaker 1: you need you need to keep yourself saying in this moment.
Speaker 1: So we talked about her having time with her husband,
Speaker 1: so if it meant that they had little weekend getaways
Speaker 1: or her doing the things that she used to do
Speaker 1: pre babies. But I think it's one of those things
Speaker 1: that as a mom, you still feel that level of
Speaker 1: guilt because she feel like, if you leave your children
Speaker 1: for an extended period of time, that you know, no
Speaker 1: one's going to take care of your child as well
Speaker 1: as you can, even if you have family members or
Speaker 1: if you have hired help. So I thought it was fair.
Speaker 1: And she said that that's something she feels that she
Speaker 1: can't say to just anyone. She can't say that publicly
Speaker 1: because she feels that people will judge her for that
Speaker 1: um And she kind of confided in me in that moment,
Speaker 1: and she was just like, man, I can't understand, or like,
Speaker 1: I couldn't fathom having four children, you know, much less
Speaker 1: the two that I have. She's like, I do have
Speaker 1: moments where I'm just like, man, had I known that
Speaker 1: this is what motherhood was going to look like and
Speaker 1: I had to sacrifice so much of myself, I would
Speaker 1: have really like thought about when I was going to
Speaker 1: have children, If I was going to have children, how
Speaker 1: many years in between these children? Would my one child,
Speaker 1: my oldest be the only child? And I thought those
Speaker 1: were all fair questions. So I was happy that she
Speaker 1: was able to speak with me. About it. But you know,
Speaker 1: you can't necessarily just like have a whole discussion about
Speaker 1: that without people saying, well, this is what she wanted.
Speaker 1: These are one of the things you can't prepare for.
Speaker 1: You literally cannot prepare for. No matter how much advice
Speaker 1: you get, unsolicited or solicited. Um, you're always going to
Speaker 1: have your own experience. And UM, I think that's something
Speaker 1: that I think it's fair for mothers and fathers to
Speaker 1: to deal with. You know, yeah, I feel like, um,
Speaker 1: from my father's side, your our concern is being taken
Speaker 1: for granted, and it being acceptable to be taken for
Speaker 1: granted for ten months to a year because your wife
Speaker 1: is pregnant. Because now it's like a lot of men
Speaker 1: feel like, and I felt this at times too, that
Speaker 1: once a woman or once you get pregnant, now it's
Speaker 1: okay to say, well, I'm not doing that because I'm pregnant,
Speaker 1: knowing that I'm going to say okay, to the point
Speaker 1: where now it's just like, you know, I can just
Speaker 1: disregard devours, feelings, his emotions, his wants, his needs. I
Speaker 1: don't know, because for me, I'm thinking in the grand
Speaker 1: scheme of things, ten months to a year, how long
Speaker 1: is that in a relationship or you know the span
Speaker 1: of time, so how much of that is? How much
Speaker 1: of that My question to you is is is it
Speaker 1: just kind of like I don't want to say bitching
Speaker 1: and on it, but is it just you guys like
Speaker 1: not being able to sacrifice a year of life and
Speaker 1: say this is where I might have to ben? I think,
Speaker 1: I think. I think what it comes from is everything
Speaker 1: in marriage is predicated around a woman. We have to
Speaker 1: propose and get you to ring you want. We have
Speaker 1: to get married and do things the way you want.
Speaker 1: So everything is based on what a woman wants and
Speaker 1: a woman needs, and anytime a man says what he
Speaker 1: wants or needs, it's considered bitching and moaning. So women
Speaker 1: get to say what they want and need all the
Speaker 1: time and we have to adhere to it as husbands.
Speaker 1: But if I say what I want and need, then
Speaker 1: I'm being sensitive emotional and like you just said, bitching
Speaker 1: and moaning. So now that you're pregnant as to another level,
Speaker 1: because my wife is pregnant, so it's already in marriage
Speaker 1: that if I say what I want or need is
Speaker 1: bitching and moaning. But now if I say it while
Speaker 1: you're pregnant. During that ten months to a year, it's heightened.
Speaker 1: So for a month in a year, I it's even
Speaker 1: worse than what it was when I was married. And
Speaker 1: that's the concern. And is it a fear that it
Speaker 1: won't return to normal or is it that you just
Speaker 1: don't want to sacrifice that ten months to a year
Speaker 1: of life. No, it's it's a fear that part of
Speaker 1: it is a fear that it won't return to normal,
Speaker 1: because nothing goes back to normal once you have a baby.
Speaker 1: So it's like at first, it's like, I can't do
Speaker 1: that because I'm pregnant. Okay, Now I can't do that
Speaker 1: because I just had a baby. Oh I can't do
Speaker 1: that because I'm nursing. Oh I can't do that because
Speaker 1: the baby's crying. So the fear is is like wherever
Speaker 1: I was on the totem pole of an importance for you,
Speaker 1: I don't exist there anymore. You see what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: And especially during pregnancy, it's you. You. Your concern is
Speaker 1: you really don't want to upset your wife, so you
Speaker 1: get so accustomed to saying okay that she becomes accustomed
Speaker 1: to hearing okay. That the one time, I don't say, okay,
Speaker 1: it's a problem. And that's been that's been the way
Speaker 1: it's it's been for for us over the years, and
Speaker 1: I mean it's still that way today. I still chalk
Speaker 1: it up to you know, emotions at times, but also
Speaker 1: us having different wants and different needs, and also us
Speaker 1: not being able to be who we want to be
Speaker 1: for each other in those moments, of course, because physiologically
Speaker 1: you can't. So maturity comes with understanding that. But that
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it's not a fear. You understand it.
Speaker 1: And that's how people ask me all the time, how
Speaker 1: are you able to just still be so happy and
Speaker 1: excited and do this stuff for your wife's because you
Speaker 1: understand it, not that you don't, not that you you
Speaker 1: don't you know, it doesn't happen or you don't have
Speaker 1: those feelings, but you understand where it's coming from. If
Speaker 1: you really understand, then when a woman goes through through pregnancy,
Speaker 1: you do understand that those changes can can create these
Speaker 1: you know, these different gaps and fractures in the relationship
Speaker 1: during that time. But I know that if I put
Speaker 1: the work in, I can men those. So what I
Speaker 1: stopped doing was I stopped just being upset and fearful
Speaker 1: and wishing that it got better, and just try to
Speaker 1: start putting the work in to make it better. But
Speaker 1: that doesn't change the fact that as a man, you
Speaker 1: feel like that. And men don't say that to other
Speaker 1: men because they feel like bitch is bitching and moaning
Speaker 1: or they feel like they if they say it makes
Speaker 1: them sound weak or sensitive. But a lot of men
Speaker 1: have expressed to me and you know, in silence, or
Speaker 1: my friends have said to me and I know I
Speaker 1: felt that way, that that you feel that way, and
Speaker 1: you tell I gotta tell you something like it's okay
Speaker 1: to feel that way like because a lot of times
Speaker 1: husbands do feel taken for granted like you. You guys
Speaker 1: don't realize it because you're the pregnant when you're the
Speaker 1: one being catered to for a year. But could you
Speaker 1: imagine it for a whole year nobody was concerned about
Speaker 1: you at all, and everything you asked for or mentioned
Speaker 1: was said of bitching and moaning while you're catering to
Speaker 1: someone else for a whole year. Could you imagine doing that?
Speaker 1: I would feel it would feel like the Yeah, it
Speaker 1: could definitely feel lonely. Um but I feel like also
Speaker 1: that you like having those spaces where you, for example,
Speaker 1: can speak to some of your guy friends who I
Speaker 1: know have confided in you recently. I think there's also
Speaker 1: a safe space within people who have experienced the same things.
Speaker 1: You know, So when you're talking to your guy group
Speaker 1: of friends who are either becoming first time fathers or
Speaker 1: who have had multiple children, there's like a camaraderie there.
Speaker 1: The same way, I feel more comfortable, if anything, speaking
Speaker 1: with another woman who is persolutely you know, because at
Speaker 1: that point in time now we have stories that we
Speaker 1: can compare. People's experiences are different, and I feel like
Speaker 1: when it comes to guys, um feeling like they have
Speaker 1: to always just kind of take the back seat and
Speaker 1: take the back seat. Um. I think it's easier to
Speaker 1: say as a woman, like it's just you know, ten
Speaker 1: months to a year, but that nothing really does your
Speaker 1: right go back to normal after that. So it had
Speaker 1: me thinking of out but also hold on, could you
Speaker 1: imagine if I said that to you in response, if
Speaker 1: you said to me, stop bitching him only it's only
Speaker 1: ten months or a a year, and I said, well, it
Speaker 1: stop beating the moment about pregnancy. It's only ten months
Speaker 1: to a year, Like, you can't say that to someone,
Speaker 1: you don't. No one wants to receive that. So saying
Speaker 1: that to someone, if you think about it's funked up
Speaker 1: because no one wants to have to receive that. But
Speaker 1: and and the term happy wife, happy life exists for
Speaker 1: a reason because it's been it's been written or it's
Speaker 1: an unwritten rule that as men you have to suffer
Speaker 1: in silence so that your wife can be, you know,
Speaker 1: in in peace. That's daunting for a man. And how
Speaker 1: would those couples know if we don't express these things openly,
Speaker 1: how would they know that it's been canceled? Happy wife,
Speaker 1: happy life. It's never gonna be canceled. I'm surprised that
Speaker 1: because people be ready to cancel everything. So it won't
Speaker 1: cancel that. I know that. You know why they won't
Speaker 1: cancel that because men be canceling stuff. It depends on
Speaker 1: who's doing it canceling. Don't be canceling stuff. Men just
Speaker 1: be like whatever. You know. So, with each pregnancy, do
Speaker 1: you think it's changed? Absolutely, because I mean I think
Speaker 1: things have gotten better, at least for us when it
Speaker 1: comes to having to deal with pregnancy and then coexisting
Speaker 1: as parents, as spouses. I think I think no, I
Speaker 1: think it's said no, but it's what you said. You said.
Speaker 1: When you get into a circle where people have similar experiences,
Speaker 1: you feel comfortable expressing to realize you're not alone. Right,
Speaker 1: So for me, saying these things on the podcast are
Speaker 1: important because people can then hear someone else say it
Speaker 1: and then realize that they're not alone. You know, see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So so you don't know that you're
Speaker 1: not alone until someone says it. Then someone says it
Speaker 1: and be like, oh ship, I feel that way too.
Speaker 1: And this is a large, a large part of why
Speaker 1: I like having these testimonies because when men expressed to
Speaker 1: me like man, my wife ain't doing this, so my
Speaker 1: wife ain't doing that, or I feel like this, and
Speaker 1: I go, bro, I've in there before. Then you get
Speaker 1: what you mean. Just looks so happy all the time.
Speaker 1: I said, yeah, you see us in our happy moments,
Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean we don't go through things and
Speaker 1: feel things, which means if you feel this way, that
Speaker 1: don't mean that you can't be happy in your marriage.
Speaker 1: That just means you have to take these feelings and
Speaker 1: express it to your spouse so that she can learn
Speaker 1: how to process it and say, and I think the
Speaker 1: biggest changes that we've had these conversations before we've and
Speaker 1: it's important for people to know. Before we had four
Speaker 1: um Kadina and I had a conversation. She said, what
Speaker 1: about we actually just started getting our sex life back.
Speaker 1: You do know that once I get pregnant, stuff is
Speaker 1: gonna change at least for a year. And I said, yo,
Speaker 1: I got you, I get it. I understand. So once
Speaker 1: we had that conversation, it was like, fine, Conde knew.
Speaker 1: I understood. I understand that she understood. And that's why
Speaker 1: we told the story in an episode one about us
Speaker 1: constantly trying to serve each other because neither one of
Speaker 1: us want to exist in that stigma. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: ever fall back and just like all my wife's being
Speaker 1: a bitch, I ain't do nothing about. I don't care,
Speaker 1: and you're never going to fit back and be like, oh,
Speaker 1: my husband's bitching about something, I don't care. We constantly
Speaker 1: work on it, and I think people need to understand
Speaker 1: your frustrations you have with pregnancy are normal. As much
Speaker 1: as we love our kids. So honestly, I feel like
Speaker 1: even though we've had those discussions ahead of time were
Speaker 1: develop this is you know what's going to happen. It's
Speaker 1: easier to agree to that prior to than when you're
Speaker 1: actually in the moment, because you've had moments even in
Speaker 1: my first trymester, where you were like, well I just
Speaker 1: need this or I just need that, and I'm just like, bro,
Speaker 1: you know what you're signed up for. So why are
Speaker 1: we even having these discussions? And there is no way
Speaker 1: around that. But that's why we have the discussions because
Speaker 1: when I said we have a discussion, that we said
Speaker 1: we understand that doesn't absolve you of all of your
Speaker 1: responsibilities the same way it never like I never get
Speaker 1: a chance to be absolved with all my responsibilities. I
Speaker 1: don't think it's looking for a way to be absolved
Speaker 1: of it. But it's like, we know what's not going
Speaker 1: to happen in the frequency that you wanted, for example,
Speaker 1: So why are we having this discussion Because I have
Speaker 1: to tell you when I feel like it's I understand
Speaker 1: where you're coming from, but it's still been like really
Speaker 1: really long. It's like if we have this conversation and
Speaker 1: we say, let me know when it's gone gone too
Speaker 1: long or it's been too far. You can't tell me
Speaker 1: to let you know because we're supposed to communicate. But
Speaker 1: then when I communicate, you get pissed. And that's the
Speaker 1: part that as a husband, I feel like gets lost
Speaker 1: in translation. Women say all the time, I just wish
Speaker 1: my husband would communicate, but then when I try to
Speaker 1: communicate you the things I may want or need, you
Speaker 1: get pissed and say it's bitching and moaning. So then
Speaker 1: you don't want me to communicate. You don't want to
Speaker 1: hear what I need, because if I tell you what
Speaker 1: I need or I want, I'm bitching and moaning. So
Speaker 1: then if I if I cut back and I say quiet,
Speaker 1: then it's, oh, my husband doesn't communicate. You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, right, Yeah, And I'm not I'm not asked.
Speaker 1: I'm kind of paying Devil's out here. I'm not asking no,
Speaker 1: but I'm just I'm just saying, communicate that. But it's
Speaker 1: just sometimes something that crossed my mind sometimes and I'm
Speaker 1: just like, but we had a discussion about what this
Speaker 1: is going to look like, and if I'm having a
Speaker 1: bad day or I'm having a bad week or whatever,
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily want to hear about it, But at
Speaker 1: the same breath, I do feel like you need a
Speaker 1: space to speak to me exactly, And I think that's
Speaker 1: what people don't understand, and sometimes I think that's what
Speaker 1: pregnant women don't understand. Right you you say you want communication,
Speaker 1: I hold off a lot of times when I want
Speaker 1: to communicate. I literally wait until I'm like, okay, it's
Speaker 1: going on long enough. For example, we're working out, you're
Speaker 1: supposed to walk twenty minutes. I didn't say nothing the
Speaker 1: first two days you miss, or the third of the fourth,
Speaker 1: but now it's a week. And then finally I say
Speaker 1: something because it's been a whole week and now you
Speaker 1: got an attitude, And I said, well, how long was
Speaker 1: I supposed to wait before you do something that you
Speaker 1: said you were going to do? You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So it is rather than you being accountable to say
Speaker 1: then I did say I was gonna walk every day,
Speaker 1: but it's been a week. Your thing is I don't
Speaker 1: want to hear it. And as husband, it's like I
Speaker 1: don't want to have to accept I don't want to
Speaker 1: hear it when we've agreed to communicate. If we agreed
Speaker 1: to communicate, don't tell me you don't want to hear it,
Speaker 1: and emotions too, because accountability, if a acountability was a
Speaker 1: person to be devout, holding everybody accountable for everything they
Speaker 1: say they want. That's the only way I know how
Speaker 1: to live to which is great because of that as
Speaker 1: a testimony to why you are a successful and we
Speaker 1: are as successful as we right, So I completely get that.
Speaker 1: But Devo, sometimes when you're pregnant, you just don't want
Speaker 1: to hear it. And I think you know, and I
Speaker 1: think that's important, just no other way around it. But
Speaker 1: but I think that's important for both women and men
Speaker 1: to hear as much as people communicate. When you're pregnant,
Speaker 1: sometimes you're just not gonna want to hear it. And
Speaker 1: that's okay. And as a man, because think about it,
Speaker 1: we've had discussions, right, but how many arguments or screaming
Speaker 1: matches have we had? No? Those have? Those have drastically
Speaker 1: decreased for us, especially when you're pregnant. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to argue with you or screaming yell. I'm gonna let
Speaker 1: you know how I feel. I'm gonna let you receive
Speaker 1: in process at how you want. But I'm gonna let
Speaker 1: it go from there, And that's one thing if I
Speaker 1: had to give a tool to too young men or
Speaker 1: men who don't know what it is like to be
Speaker 1: married to a pregnant woman or deal with pregnancy. You
Speaker 1: have every right to continue to communicate, but you have
Speaker 1: to let her process and receive it the way she wants.
Speaker 1: If she's gonna scream and yell and storm off and
Speaker 1: get an attitude. In the past, I would have followed
Speaker 1: you screamed and yelled, but now I'm like, she's pregnant.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna let her screaming,
Speaker 1: yelling get it out because most of that is emotional
Speaker 1: response because you haven't typically responded like that when you
Speaker 1: aren't pregnant, so I know what it is. But that
Speaker 1: also doesn't change the fact that as a man, sometimes
Speaker 1: you just like, how many times am I gonna let
Speaker 1: her scream and yell and walk off? And I have
Speaker 1: to hold it in? You know what I'm saying, And
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't buy any means want to use
Speaker 1: pregnancy as a crutch, either to then just be a
Speaker 1: tyrant or to be you know what I mean, disrespectful
Speaker 1: sometimes sometimes hit you. I gonna blame nobody, but it
Speaker 1: ain't it ain't me. No, But but I do think
Speaker 1: like having this conversation and hearing people hear us how
Speaker 1: we feel about stuff, because people will watch me on
Speaker 1: social media. But man, he just loves Codeine when she's
Speaker 1: pregnant and they're just always happy together. And some dudes
Speaker 1: may feel like, damn, I don't always feel that way
Speaker 1: about my pregnant wife. So it's something wrong with my
Speaker 1: wife or something wrong with me. And I'm here to
Speaker 1: tell you, no, no, no, it's not nothing wrong with
Speaker 1: you or nothing wrong with her. Me and Condina so
Speaker 1: many days and here we look at each other and
Speaker 1: we'll be like yeah, and we make choices not to
Speaker 1: become Badily make those choices. And like I said, sometimes
Speaker 1: I just want to be alone in that moment because
Speaker 1: I feel like I can feel when my energy is
Speaker 1: off or I just want to be left alone, so
Speaker 1: I'll go and be by myself, and then Devout because
Speaker 1: he misses me, will come looking for me. Devout, if
Speaker 1: you miss me, just say you missed me, and then
Speaker 1: let it just be. Let's just have those just tell
Speaker 1: me you want me close, and then we can alleviate
Speaker 1: some of the issues that way too. I do, but
Speaker 1: but also I'm trying to allow you to have space.
Speaker 1: It's a lot of hoop jumping. We talked about this
Speaker 1: in an early episode. We as men have to do
Speaker 1: a lot of hoop up, and you'll always set these
Speaker 1: rules that just let me do this, just let me
Speaker 1: do that, and every time we try to do it,
Speaker 1: y'all move the go post. It is frustrating. It is frustrating,
Speaker 1: and I know it has to be frustrating for y'all
Speaker 1: because on this side, right we have a whole another
Speaker 1: set of frustations, And that's what I want to I
Speaker 1: want to hear some of those frustrations because I know
Speaker 1: you also had frustrations about you said, the sex thing,
Speaker 1: frustrations about not feeling like you can mom the way
Speaker 1: you wanted to mom. You feel like you you'd be
Speaker 1: so out of it that you feel like you're lacking
Speaker 1: as a mom. So so far, you said you feel
Speaker 1: like you lack as a wife in the sex department,
Speaker 1: you lack as a mom. What other way do you
Speaker 1: feel like you have a lack in your career because
Speaker 1: you'd be too exhausted. But yeah, like I said in
Speaker 1: the beginning, you know, people thinking like, Okay, nine is
Speaker 1: of a certain age now, so we figured she's done
Speaker 1: with the baby thing, like, is she gonna want to
Speaker 1: do this for her career. I think what the pandemic,
Speaker 1: for example, has showed me is that a couple of things,
Speaker 1: one being the value in my family life and loving
Speaker 1: the fact that I actually had my children home with
Speaker 1: me all the time. I was actually a fan of
Speaker 1: virtual learning because I'm like, I love to know that
Speaker 1: my children are in the house with me and that
Speaker 1: we are spending time together. So I loved that portion
Speaker 1: of it. Also to it taught me that I can
Speaker 1: work from home and there are certain flexibilities that I
Speaker 1: didn't think I could have been afforded before that I
Speaker 1: have now working from home. And I realized too that
Speaker 1: there's still a lot of life left to be lived
Speaker 1: when it comes to my career, that there's not necessarily
Speaker 1: this timeline that I've had that we all have subscribed
Speaker 1: to that we spoke about in the past, timeline of
Speaker 1: being married and having kids and what age we're doing
Speaker 1: what by um, I feel like that's now further extended.
Speaker 1: So that being said, I felt that in the beginning
Speaker 1: mainly because backlash. I thought I was probably gonna get
Speaker 1: from my family, thinking to myself like, okaday, I thought
Speaker 1: you were going to get yourself back in shape, so
Speaker 1: you can be on camera again and you can host,
Speaker 1: and you can third and I'm just like it. But
Speaker 1: I could host pregnant. I can host after ten months
Speaker 1: to a year realistically, in the span of life that
Speaker 1: we're thinking, you know, I think you'll get back so
Speaker 1: that your perspective on that has changed. Whereas before felt
Speaker 1: like oh ten years in eternity, now you feel like
Speaker 1: right because you feel like you start to catch some
Speaker 1: traction with whatever you know career move that I'm making,
Speaker 1: and then it's like, oh, you gotta stop and take
Speaker 1: ten months office. Oh you know, you may be forgotten
Speaker 1: in that ten months because you know, but no, now,
Speaker 1: doing the things that we do on social media, people
Speaker 1: can be along on this journey with me. So it's
Speaker 1: not that fair of being forgotten or being out of
Speaker 1: the spotlight for whatever, you know job it maybe that
Speaker 1: if anything, people following this journey with us brings a
Speaker 1: humanness to me. And then they say, oh, shoot, now
Speaker 1: she's had the baby. I wonder if she's back to
Speaker 1: work again. You know, so for me, I don't see
Speaker 1: it as necessarily a crutch. And it may not be
Speaker 1: that way for everyone's career, but for me and the
Speaker 1: things that I want to do, I think that what's
Speaker 1: of paramount importance to me first office, family, and I
Speaker 1: feel like work can find its way around it. So
Speaker 1: that's how I I was able to kind of reconcile
Speaker 1: with that. Yeah, for myself, one thing I want. The
Speaker 1: biggest thing I have to say that I hate about
Speaker 1: pregnancy is I miss our companionship. Like like you be,
Speaker 1: you become used to someone existing a certain way, and
Speaker 1: then once your wife becomes pregnant, they have to become
Speaker 1: a whole different person. You know. The things that we
Speaker 1: used to do together to have fun, we can't do,
Speaker 1: you know, um, And as you change, I do miss that.
Speaker 1: And what happens is you don't feel comfortable saying that
Speaker 1: I missed the way you were because you don't want
Speaker 1: your wife to feel like, oh man, I'm not who
Speaker 1: he was anymore. So there's gonna be love laws or
Speaker 1: you don't want your wife to feel guilty. But as
Speaker 1: as a husband, I do miss that, And I'm okay
Speaker 1: now because I know we're so much stronger than when
Speaker 1: we were younger. I do feel comfortable saying like Kadeen
Speaker 1: when she's not pregnant is a completely different person than
Speaker 1: when she is pregnant. And I can appreciate pregnant Cadein
Speaker 1: because of course she's the best of life for our kids,
Speaker 1: but I miss not pregnant Cadein. The non pregnant Kadeen
Speaker 1: is no knock on. Pregnant Code is so much more
Speaker 1: fun because, you know, turning my brother and my sister,
Speaker 1: they're like, do you know Code? I know? That's that
Speaker 1: and that's the that's like the like the best part
Speaker 1: is like, yeah, you we drink together, we smoke together,
Speaker 1: we watched movies together, we stay up late, we play cards,
Speaker 1: like all of those things that we can't do, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying because you physically can't, Like it
Speaker 1: will be at eight o'clock and I was like, yore,
Speaker 1: you ready to watch this thing? And like yeah, and
Speaker 1: then obviously, oh you think about it. We just bought
Speaker 1: this home and we're here and I literally got pregnant
Speaker 1: within like a week or two of moving in, so
Speaker 1: we haven't had to get a chance to enjoy this
Speaker 1: house or you know, family vacation in a rubo with
Speaker 1: the kids like that. You know, I couldn't jump off
Speaker 1: the boat like you and Jackson and do all the
Speaker 1: things that I wanted to do. So and the funny
Speaker 1: thing is you to hold Josh. Oh. The funny thing
Speaker 1: is is that I think when men always think that
Speaker 1: the thing will miss the most is just, oh, I
Speaker 1: don't get sex when I want. But the truth of
Speaker 1: the matter is when you're married, you don't get sex
Speaker 1: when you want. Anyway. The thing I really miss the
Speaker 1: most is like my friend. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: Like like even simple things like jokes that we have
Speaker 1: now because of the way you feel if I say
Speaker 1: certain jokes, they don't be funny to you. Yeah, if
Speaker 1: I say if I say something that, if I say
Speaker 1: some things, you'll be like hyper emotional, you'll cry something
Speaker 1: like that. I mean, I gotta walk on eggshells to
Speaker 1: make sure that you're good. And I miss being able
Speaker 1: to be loose devour that can just be with my
Speaker 1: best friend. You know what I'm saying. And as a husband,
Speaker 1: you don't want to say that, and you don't want
Speaker 1: to say that to other people because then you sound selfish.
Speaker 1: But the truth is if you still feel that way,
Speaker 1: you're not saying it doesn't change the fact that you
Speaker 1: still feel that way. You know what I'm saying, And
Speaker 1: I want this to be a safe space for you
Speaker 1: and for me to be able to express that so
Speaker 1: people who may be feeling the same thing. Because is
Speaker 1: one of my close friends. The first thing he said
Speaker 1: to me was, YO, Bro, ain't gonna lie to you.
Speaker 1: I missed my wife. I can't wait till this pregnancy
Speaker 1: ship over so we can get back to being us.
Speaker 1: And said, bro, you do realize she got a breastfeed
Speaker 1: she's gonna you know, she have to nurse that baby
Speaker 1: for six months. And he was like, damn, I don't
Speaker 1: even think about that good looking at yo, I was like,
Speaker 1: And I was like, yo, because if you if you
Speaker 1: don't hear it, you feel like you feel like you're
Speaker 1: not prepared for it, and then you feel like, oh ship.
Speaker 1: When this happened, I'm caught off guard. But I was like, bro,
Speaker 1: you're missing your wife. That's a good thing. It'd be
Speaker 1: a problem if you didn't miss your wife, because if
Speaker 1: your wife is pregnant. With my consolation, I always say that,
Speaker 1: I was like, I know you missed me. I missed
Speaker 1: you too, and we've said that too off podcast and camera,
Speaker 1: like I know that you missed me and I missed
Speaker 1: you too, and it's change gonna come and I'm not
Speaker 1: I'm not concerned with that. Like younger Devout who didn't
Speaker 1: know that it was get back, was concerned. But Devout
Speaker 1: now that's why I'm able to smile and be in
Speaker 1: a good place one because I choose to be in
Speaker 1: a good place. Plus I wanted to have another child.
Speaker 1: So when you know that this is a decision you made,
Speaker 1: it's difficult to want that and then put the load
Speaker 1: on your wife to be like I wanted this, make
Speaker 1: it work. So a lot of it comes with being
Speaker 1: in a position to say this is what I wanted,
Speaker 1: so let's do it. You know what I'm saying, to
Speaker 1: do it. But it's the last time. We're not doing
Speaker 1: anything no more. No, it's a roller coast. I want
Speaker 1: to actually get on a roller coast, like a physical,
Speaker 1: actual roller coaster. I don't want to be it's been
Speaker 1: it's been a year that we haven't, you know, since
Speaker 1: the miscarriage and then us going to get painting again
Speaker 1: and it makeing sure everything was good. It's been a
Speaker 1: year since you've been normal codeem so we said, got
Speaker 1: a little ways to go. So you're tugging it out.
Speaker 1: Though you're tugging it out, you're thugging it out to
Speaker 1: you thugging it out to all Right, y'all, let's go
Speaker 1: take a little break and we will be back with
Speaker 1: my favorite listener letters. All right, we're back with listening letters.
Speaker 1: Before we start, I gotta say, the episodes that we
Speaker 1: do about accountability for ourselves and each other seemed to
Speaker 1: be the episodes that resonate the most with people, And
Speaker 1: a lot of times I hear people say that was
Speaker 1: hard for me to listen because I heard myself. But
Speaker 1: then it makes you feel like Dan's I guess that's
Speaker 1: what it is, you know, And it's like therapy, like
Speaker 1: we get to talk about it. We get to talk
Speaker 1: it out loud, so we get to hear each other first.
Speaker 1: So before we get to listen to letters, I want
Speaker 1: to thank you all for being a sounding board for
Speaker 1: us because we get to talk and you'll, you guys, listen. Motivation. Yeah,
Speaker 1: sometimes a lot of these topics to spiral out of
Speaker 1: things that we've heard from you all. A's feedback right
Speaker 1: absolutely absolutely comments and conversations and stuff like that happened.
Speaker 1: So we love you'all, like from real for yeah, this
Speaker 1: one says, first of all, I love y'all. See, we
Speaker 1: were just having a whole love session. Love y'all back. Um, Okay,
Speaker 1: let's get into it. My boyfriend and I have been
Speaker 1: together for almost two years. In October last year, we
Speaker 1: got pregnant. We already have a child. We weren't trying
Speaker 1: and found only found out that I was pregnant because
Speaker 1: I had several health challenges or severe health challenges actually,
Speaker 1: and had to be taken to the hospital immediately. I
Speaker 1: made the choice not to keep it number one because
Speaker 1: I never wanted kids, but caved with my daughter. And
Speaker 1: two because I was bedridden, severe nausea, temporary memory loss,
Speaker 1: and excruciating migraines. I didn't think I could make it
Speaker 1: to term with all the pain I was in. We've
Speaker 1: dealt with that, but I've expressed to him that I
Speaker 1: do not want anymore and he said that he would
Speaker 1: be okay with that, but always makes jokes about twin
Speaker 1: boys that we're going to have, saying he's keeping hope alive.
Speaker 1: But there's no hope left. I don't want anymore because pregnancy,
Speaker 1: what pregnancy does to me. I was also super nauseous
Speaker 1: with my daughter. I'm convinced that my body will react
Speaker 1: the same way with another pregnancy and immediately gives me
Speaker 1: PDS PTSD feelings just thinking about conceiving again. Also, I
Speaker 1: raised my daughter alone because her dad. Because her dad
Speaker 1: and I okay missing I lived in different countries, so
Speaker 1: my frame for reference for raising a child is that
Speaker 1: of a single parent. Even though I did have help
Speaker 1: from my family, I almost can't imagine having a partner,
Speaker 1: even though I'm confident that he will do everything he
Speaker 1: can to take care of us. It's hurting me because
Speaker 1: I want very much too. Sorry, I want to be
Speaker 1: able to have a child. I just don't want to
Speaker 1: carry it. Do you think we'll make it any tips
Speaker 1: on how to keep the conversation going until I make
Speaker 1: a final decision, or do we just leave it alone?
Speaker 1: And I just hope that he's really okay with having
Speaker 1: my daughter and treating her like his own m hmm.
Speaker 1: For of all, I applaud her honesty about saying that
Speaker 1: she's the fear she has of dealing with all the
Speaker 1: things from pregnancy because a lot of women are afraid
Speaker 1: to speak on it because they, like we talked about,
Speaker 1: don't want to be judged by other women for what
Speaker 1: they fear or what they're going through. So the fact
Speaker 1: that she's expressed that to him, I applaud her honesty.
Speaker 1: Um Ultimately, after watching Codein go through pregnancy with Jackson
Speaker 1: and having having to have emergency UH surgery right after
Speaker 1: almost needing a blood transfusion, I honestly believe that it
Speaker 1: is a woman's choice to decide whether she wants to
Speaker 1: carry a baby or not. We don't go through any
Speaker 1: of the physical challenges. And you made a joke earlier.
Speaker 1: It was like, you know, every time we are pregnancy
Speaker 1: is like a near death experience, and you were joking,
Speaker 1: But seriously, it's not, you know what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: if she's adamant about not having another child and he
Speaker 1: loves her, I'm pretty sure he would be okay with it.
Speaker 1: But he has to decide does he have a love
Speaker 1: a greater love for her or greater love for having children.
Speaker 1: And if he decides that he wants to have more
Speaker 1: children he's well with then his right to make a
Speaker 1: decision and move forward accordingly. Right, So that's that's my
Speaker 1: thoughts on it, right, And then too, I don't know
Speaker 1: if she's specified in here, did she that does he
Speaker 1: have any children already? He doesn't have any children. They
Speaker 1: have one daughter. She has one daughter, and yes, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: And I think it's the thing where I wouldn't I
Speaker 1: would would not want to hold someone back if that's
Speaker 1: what you want, if they have the dreams of having
Speaker 1: the twin boys or just having children in general. I
Speaker 1: think that's one of the first conversations you should have
Speaker 1: with somebody. Yeah, absolutely know, even just dating or deciding
Speaker 1: to be in a long term relationship, that you know,
Speaker 1: what are the intentions when it comes to having children
Speaker 1: or not, because you don't want to rob him of that,
Speaker 1: you know. And if this is something that you're adamant
Speaker 1: about and you just don't want to, um put yourself
Speaker 1: through that again because it seems like she had a
Speaker 1: really rough pregnancy with her daughter. Um, you may have
Speaker 1: to decide about this, this is something you want to
Speaker 1: do or you want to go separate ways so he
Speaker 1: can ultimately fulfill that dream for himself, because it's right.
Speaker 1: But I think he as the man in the relationship
Speaker 1: has to do his due diligence and his research about
Speaker 1: what women go through and pregnancy to understand what asking
Speaker 1: a woman to go through a pregnancy means. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, because because a lot of men say
Speaker 1: I want kids, and then once pregnancy starts, you know,
Speaker 1: I can't do this. Ship man, she has just like
Speaker 1: bo you ask for kids these ten months to a year,
Speaker 1: this is what comes with that. And the truth of
Speaker 1: the matter is that some people are ignorant. Some people
Speaker 1: are willfully ignorant, and they choose to ignore that so
Speaker 1: they can get what they want. But if you love
Speaker 1: this person, you have a responsibility to do do dealings,
Speaker 1: understand what women go through during pregnancy, what can happen
Speaker 1: with labor, what can happen after labor, and then make
Speaker 1: a decision where, you know what, what's more important to
Speaker 1: me having the children that I want or being with
Speaker 1: the woman that I want if she doesn't want to
Speaker 1: have children. Once he does the due diligence, he can
Speaker 1: make a better educated decision. Yeah, and I mean the
Speaker 1: experience she had raising her child on her own different
Speaker 1: countries like all of that too, I think is compounded. Yeah,
Speaker 1: for sure, so I think if one thing that's easy
Speaker 1: for me in our circumstance, for example, is like loving
Speaker 1: you to death, knowing that you are a provide there,
Speaker 1: you take care of home. Those are all of the
Speaker 1: reasons that make it easy for me to subscribe to
Speaker 1: another children, another child, or another pregnancy, because it's like,
Speaker 1: I know, I'm not doing this alone. So I can
Speaker 1: imagine how that fair of feeling like you're by yourself
Speaker 1: can make you a little bit africate. Absolutely, um, I
Speaker 1: think more conversations need to be had here for sure,
Speaker 1: UM and really seeing where um, where his heart lies
Speaker 1: when it comes to having children, and then with her
Speaker 1: maybe seeing if there's ways that she can get things
Speaker 1: to help treat things like severe knowledge. I know there's
Speaker 1: like certain medications that are approved for pregnant way to take,
Speaker 1: so almost kind of being proactive knowing like, okay, these
Speaker 1: are the things that may come with your territory, so
Speaker 1: let me discuss it with my doctor ahead of time
Speaker 1: to see if we can get proactive as opposed to
Speaker 1: So good luck to you, says I hope you'll figure
Speaker 1: that out all right. Number two. First off, congrats on everything.
Speaker 1: I'm writing this email on the day you all announced
Speaker 1: that you are pregnant with baby number four. So excited
Speaker 1: for you too. I've been a fan of yours or
Speaker 1: a fan of you all for years, to the point
Speaker 1: that I feel like you guys are the big brother
Speaker 1: and sister I never had and that I've always wanted.
Speaker 1: Bro and sist, I need your advice. I've been with
Speaker 1: my husband for eight years, married for six years. He
Speaker 1: is twenty eight and seven. We both have good jobs,
Speaker 1: we have a nice living for ourselves. Our friends often
Speaker 1: come to us for advice as if we have it
Speaker 1: all together. We don't. Neither do we, says um. We
Speaker 1: have a solid relation, but the one thing we that
Speaker 1: we constantly go back and forth about is when is
Speaker 1: the right time to have a baby. At one point
Speaker 1: early in our relationship, my husband told me he wanted
Speaker 1: a toddler, to which I responded, you know that don't
Speaker 1: come out as Tyler's right, bro. The fact that she
Speaker 1: said you know they don't come out as Toddler's right,
Speaker 1: bro is hilarious but also shows me how close they are.
Speaker 1: Whenever you can call your your girlfriend a boyfriend, bro,
Speaker 1: that means your friends. So what am I supposed to
Speaker 1: do with the baby until they are a toddler l
Speaker 1: O L. We kind of laughed off that convo and
Speaker 1: never really talked about it again. Now I feel like
Speaker 1: I may be getting baby for you, as much as
Speaker 1: I'm nervous to admit that. But so many things for
Speaker 1: me back from fully feeling ready. We live pretty close
Speaker 1: to my in laws and we haven't always had the
Speaker 1: best relationship. That's not good. Mother in law made it
Speaker 1: very clear that I wasn't her pick for her son.
Speaker 1: I've come to groups with the fact that I could
Speaker 1: have been Beyonce and she would have found something wrong
Speaker 1: with me. Just since I want to say this, it
Speaker 1: is not your mother's responsibility to pick your her son's
Speaker 1: soul mate so she can kick rocks. Mother in laws, don't.
Speaker 1: They don't mean anything like I'm just I'm just being honest.
Speaker 1: But because I wasn't, I wasn't to pick for CoDeeN either.
Speaker 1: Jesus wasn't even to pick for Codain, so I pretty
Speaker 1: much had to show her like what it is. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it made me pretty much say he I could have
Speaker 1: walked through the door with Jesus Christ himself and turned
Speaker 1: out exactly so I don't even trip on her mother
Speaker 1: in law. She'll be fine. She has a tendency to
Speaker 1: just pop up at our house, and I know that
Speaker 1: if when we have a baby, there will be times
Speaker 1: and I may not feel up to company. So she's
Speaker 1: also very opinionated. My husband is a gentle giant and
Speaker 1: has a heart hard time setting boundaries for a side
Speaker 1: of the family, and I'm willing to be flexible with
Speaker 1: that when she visits. But I would really appreciate if
Speaker 1: she could first out of respect for me, if she
Speaker 1: could just chill first, respect, if she could call first
Speaker 1: out of respect for me. All this baby talks made
Speaker 1: me nervous. Uh, my husband, I are really in a
Speaker 1: great space in our marriage, and he who knows how
Speaker 1: a baby will shake things up. See, these are all
Speaker 1: the things that people be concerned about that we just
Speaker 1: talked about, that they won't say because people asking him
Speaker 1: for advice. And she doesn't want to say this out
Speaker 1: loud because she fears judgment, which is exactly what we
Speaker 1: talked about. But I love my husband and I know
Speaker 1: he always wanted kids. He is such an amazing husband.
Speaker 1: I want to give him anything he wants and needs
Speaker 1: from me. But I'm just afraid of change. Change in
Speaker 1: my physical body, changing my marriage, changing my relationship, changing
Speaker 1: my family, all of the things. Will I ever be
Speaker 1: sure about this? I'm so glad we talked about this
Speaker 1: because she literally just said all the things that you felt.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, am I overthinking? Any advice to you, guys?
Speaker 1: Can you know you have to help me? Thanks? Love
Speaker 1: you guys. Just listen to this podcast. Everything she says
Speaker 1: she feels, all of the changes physical body, her relationship
Speaker 1: with her husband, intimacy, her relationship with her in laws.
Speaker 1: Of all of those fears, Codeine has said she had
Speaker 1: and at every stage of life and pregnancy and parenthood,
Speaker 1: and it's it sounds cliche, but there's never really a
Speaker 1: right time. If someone's like it just happens and you adjust,
Speaker 1: you pivot. That was the word. You remember what we send?
Speaker 1: What's that both of us? We ain't having more on
Speaker 1: one kid in this apartment. We had three three before.
Speaker 1: And the reason why there was a gap between Jackson
Speaker 1: and Cairo two reasons. One Codeine had, you know, a
Speaker 1: little bit of nervous nervousness after having another child, after
Speaker 1: everything we dealt with with the birth from Jackson. But
Speaker 1: number two, we were trying to wait for the perfect
Speaker 1: financial and career time to have a second child, and
Speaker 1: it just seemed like after five years was like bro
Speaker 1: bro right, Like in five years flew by and we're like, oh, shoot, kid,
Speaker 1: and then it just ended up happening. I say that
Speaker 1: boundaries are very important. Yes, that's a whole another Boundaries
Speaker 1: are very important. And those conversations that we had and
Speaker 1: it's like, sis, are we still going to harp on
Speaker 1: the fact that I wasn't the pick for your son.
Speaker 1: At this point, it's null and void. It never really
Speaker 1: matters to begin with. But your your your husband's gonna
Speaker 1: definitely have to have those conversations with his family as well,
Speaker 1: knowing that, yes, after you have a child, sometimes you're
Speaker 1: not up for company. Me being pregnant now sometimes I'm
Speaker 1: not up for company deviance Like I want people to
Speaker 1: come by, I want friends to come by, and I
Speaker 1: don't feel like entertaining. I don't feel like entertaining people.
Speaker 1: Because what happens when people come to your house. They
Speaker 1: always look at the female of the house, the woman
Speaker 1: of the house, to say, you know, how is she
Speaker 1: going to treat me on my stay? They don't look
Speaker 1: at the guys necessarily for that. So yeah, I understand
Speaker 1: how it is when you want boundaries within your own
Speaker 1: house and all of the changes. These are all warranted
Speaker 1: for someone who I think is looking to become a
Speaker 1: first time parent um And it's honestly, the conversation needs
Speaker 1: to begin and end between your husband and you and
Speaker 1: then know about subsequent conversations that need to be had
Speaker 1: with his family for example, and vice versa. But I
Speaker 1: will say this, this is very important. What he said
Speaker 1: is what a lot of men think, because I did
Speaker 1: think the same way he said. He wanted to toddler.
Speaker 1: Remember when we were first having kids, and I was
Speaker 1: just like, man, when this baby too and can walk
Speaker 1: and party train, That's what I'm gonna step in at
Speaker 1: alpen To Atlanta. Is nothing I can do for the
Speaker 1: child right that. It doesn't work like that, And a
Speaker 1: lot of dudes need to realize that you want to toddler,
Speaker 1: there's gonna be conception, pregnancy, postpartum, nursing. You have to
Speaker 1: take part in all of that if you want your
Speaker 1: marriage to be the same it was before the baby.
Speaker 1: Come if you remove yourself from all of that, even
Speaker 1: as much as you are a provider. Because I think
Speaker 1: with Jackson, and I think I expressed this on social media.
Speaker 1: At one point with Jackson, I was big on just
Speaker 1: providing because I didn't understand the the the spiritual and
Speaker 1: um sensitive nature of being around your your spouse or
Speaker 1: your your wife when she's pregnant and the baby's in
Speaker 1: the stuff. Make My thing was I gotta get to
Speaker 1: the bag. I gotta make as much money as possible,
Speaker 1: so I was working so many hours at the gym,
Speaker 1: had multiple jobs, trying to focus on making as much money.
Speaker 1: And I feel like part of the reason why we
Speaker 1: had issues the first part of our marriage and also
Speaker 1: after your first pregnancy, is because I wasn't aware of
Speaker 1: how important I am to the process. From the beginning,
Speaker 1: I thought that if I just gave her a space,
Speaker 1: and then once the baby was old enough for me
Speaker 1: to help, that I could help. I thought that that's
Speaker 1: what works. But it doesn't. I'm just being honest. It
Speaker 1: does not help. The more you can be involved, So
Speaker 1: when you have this conversation with him, the more he
Speaker 1: can be involved in the process, the easier it will
Speaker 1: be for you to make that decision. Absolutely, this is
Speaker 1: a good advice. Good job baby, all right, now, this
Speaker 1: was some goodness. And y'all write about pregnancy a lot.
Speaker 1: It would be a lot to talk about pregnancy this season,
Speaker 1: but people really do have a lot of that's a
Speaker 1: fact that's not gonna go out of style. And if
Speaker 1: you want to be featured as one of our listener letters,
Speaker 1: be sure to email us at dead Asset Advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's d E A d A s
Speaker 1: us A d v I C at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: Moment of truth time. So for me, my biggest thing
Speaker 1: with this whole thing is, of course, loving children, hating pregnancy.
Speaker 1: Find your find your group of people, find your your
Speaker 1: safe space that you can speak to UM candidly, without
Speaker 1: filter about your genuine concerns, because chances are they're going
Speaker 1: to feel the same way. They're going to feel the
Speaker 1: same way, and if they don't, at least you have
Speaker 1: a trusted person, a trusted friend, UM that you can
Speaker 1: just speak to and just really kind of get those
Speaker 1: feelings out there, because sometimes when you harbor that, especially
Speaker 1: when you're pregnant, you don't never want to harbor those
Speaker 1: feelings of guild or those feelings of you know, being
Speaker 1: upset or restless while you're pregnant. You know, growing a child,
Speaker 1: um and it sometimes just helps to get it out
Speaker 1: there because we all have those moments where of course,
Speaker 1: like I said, the joy and the excitement can coexist
Speaker 1: with fear absolutely uncertainty, especially if it's uncharted territory for you,
Speaker 1: so you know, find you try and find your village,
Speaker 1: and likely those people will also spill over into being
Speaker 1: those people who after the baby is here, you'll feel
Speaker 1: comfortable being around and also calling on for advice to
Speaker 1: So no, I agree a thousand percent, and gentlemen, I'll
Speaker 1: say this, make sure you vocalize. Let's normalize you being
Speaker 1: able to vocalize your feelings, your wants, and your needs
Speaker 1: not only to your partner, but to other people around you,
Speaker 1: so that you know you're not alone. Period. You'll you'll
Speaker 1: learn how to deal with these situations if you speak
Speaker 1: to other people of like minds to learn how to
Speaker 1: build a positive, mature, strong foundation in your marriage with
Speaker 1: the mother of your child. Because if you don't vocalize it,
Speaker 1: if you don't say it right and you just try
Speaker 1: to internalize it, you're gonna end up finding a vice
Speaker 1: somewhere else. And Lord knows what that vice can be
Speaker 1: or who that vice can be or you end up
Speaker 1: feeling guilty like a bad father because you feel like
Speaker 1: you don't have the same type of excitement and warmth
Speaker 1: that you see of other dads. So voice those feelings,
Speaker 1: those fears, those opinions, know that you're not alone, But
Speaker 1: most importantly, voice them to the mother so that I
Speaker 1: can work on them together. Nice Sorry, y'all. Be sure
Speaker 1: to find us on social media if you have not already,
Speaker 1: so on Instagram. We're dead as the podcast and you
Speaker 1: know you can find me Cadine, I am and I
Speaker 1: Am Devout. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be
Speaker 1: sure to rate, review and subscribe and share these episodes
Speaker 1: with somebody who you feel like might need a little help,
Speaker 1: you know, because I'm not giving you my phone number
Speaker 1: to call me. The value giving out your phone number. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I have my number. I ain't gonna answer it over
Speaker 1: Dead dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media
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