Speaker 1: Hello everybody, well, welcome back to the show. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are
Speaker 1: in the world, it is so great to have you
Speaker 1: here back for another episode as we, of course break
Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. Welcome to our twenty
Speaker 1: twenty five Valentine's Day episode. Every single year I like
Speaker 1: to cover like a specific topic around love and dating
Speaker 1: and relationships for this special time of the year. And
Speaker 1: if you're listening to this after Valentine's Day, you know what,
Speaker 1: let's just pretend it's Valentine's Day. Show yourself some self
Speaker 1: love today, show someone that you love some love today.
Speaker 1: Just for no reason, every day can be Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1: I will stop with the cliches right now so we
Speaker 1: can get into the episode. But yes, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for all the love you guys have shown me
Speaker 1: over the past year. I feel like this is about
Speaker 1: to be a crazy year with my book coming out
Speaker 1: in April obviously, with Mantra also out in the world
Speaker 1: new podcast, so hopefully this episode teaches you how to
Speaker 1: love yourself a little bit more, but also how to
Speaker 1: have healthy relationships with others and you know, recognize compatibility
Speaker 1: and recognize how important that is. That is my segue
Speaker 1: into what we are talking about today, which is, yes, compatibility,
Speaker 1: what makes people just click? What really underlies those relationships
Speaker 1: that just work and seem so easy and calm and safe.
Speaker 1: And how can we make sure that we know compatibility
Speaker 1: when we feel it, especially in kind of a modern
Speaker 1: world that's very very much about instant gratification and about
Speaker 1: passion and chemistry. How do we find those that love
Speaker 1: that really lasts. I want to talk about five deep
Speaker 1: signs of emotional and psychological compatibility between two people that
Speaker 1: you may not be looking for in a relationship or
Speaker 1: even in a platonic relationship. What are the signs that
Speaker 1: it's meant to be or unfortunately not meant to be.
Speaker 1: The reason I really wanted to do this episode and
Speaker 1: cover this topic is because I have in the past
Speaker 1: been someone who has confused chemistry and compatibility. Now, chemistry
Speaker 1: to me is all about attraction and emotional intensity and
Speaker 1: excitement and magnetism that pulls you together. It's definitely more
Speaker 1: physical than emotional, and also it's quite fast, It's quite
Speaker 1: rapid compared to compatibility, which often simmers below the surface
Speaker 1: and takes a little bit longer to reveal itself. It's
Speaker 1: why you hear these stories of people who are friends
Speaker 1: for years and then suddenly are like, wait, are you
Speaker 1: the one for me? I think the moment that we
Speaker 1: realize a deep compatibility with someone, it's very hard to ignore.
Speaker 1: I also believe that we can have both. You do
Speaker 1: need the passion and the fire, you know, you do
Speaker 1: need to really feel like you are obsessed with them
Speaker 1: and that you love them. But if weeks and months
Speaker 1: go by and down the road you realize you can't communicate,
Speaker 1: you don't actually understand each other, It's not as effortless
Speaker 1: as you think. It can be a really rude awakening,
Speaker 1: and you can feel very blindsided by the realization. And
Speaker 1: what you realize you've missed all along is the compatibility.
Speaker 1: You've thought that that's what the chemistry was, and it's not.
Speaker 1: And I think in our twenties in particular, or at
Speaker 1: any rate age really you know I'm going to take
Speaker 1: that back. At any age, you don't want to waste
Speaker 1: your precious time in a relationship or even a friendship
Speaker 1: for that matter, where no matter how hard you try,
Speaker 1: the thing that would make you to click is just
Speaker 1: not there. You know. Take it from me. I have
Speaker 1: been there, done that, got the souvenirs. And although I
Speaker 1: wouldn't take those choices back, you know, it was very
Speaker 1: important for my growth as a person. I do wish
Speaker 1: that there were some things that I'd learned to recognize earlier,
Speaker 1: so I didn't have to learn the lesson twice. Luckily
Speaker 1: for me, I'm now with an amazing person with whom
Speaker 1: I have both compatibility and chemistry with, and I've realized
Speaker 1: there are some essential things that do define a good relationship,
Speaker 1: specifically a relationship that is secure. So consider this your
Speaker 1: checklist whether you are dating someone new, you are unsure
Speaker 1: about the relationship you're currently in, or you just want
Speaker 1: some sense of your standards. I want to talk through
Speaker 1: all the psychology, the studies, the research on what makes
Speaker 1: two people compatible without further ado, let's get into it.
Speaker 1: Some people really don't agree with me when I say
Speaker 1: that two people who aren't compatible just simply cannot be together,
Speaker 1: Like if it's not there, it's not there. But I
Speaker 1: really do, fully believe that there has to be some
Speaker 1: fundamental emotional similarity between two people before they even consider dating,
Speaker 1: and it cannot just be a physical impulse or just
Speaker 1: a sense of attraction, Like you know, if you're attracted
Speaker 1: to somebody, you can tell pretty quickly if it's mutual.
Speaker 1: But compatibility to me, although it does take more time,
Speaker 1: is so worth it. And it's this instinct that without
Speaker 1: even knowing that you know, this person could learn everything
Speaker 1: about you. This person in some ways already does see
Speaker 1: you very very deeply. You know there is some part
Speaker 1: of you reflected in them. A way of seeing the world,
Speaker 1: a way of handling emotions, a respect, a likeness, like
Speaker 1: it's a depth that you share. And I know that
Speaker 1: sounds very very intangible. We're going to talk about exactly
Speaker 1: what that looks like. But I think when you don't
Speaker 1: have that, you will never feel fulfilled by the other person,
Speaker 1: Like they just simply don't meet your emotional needs. And
Speaker 1: it's very very hard to ignore. Now, I will say,
Speaker 1: and I say this like to my friends quite a lot.
Speaker 1: Actually it's not uncommon to occasionally have doubts about your relationship.
Speaker 1: I really want to impress that, Like at some stage,
Speaker 1: I think everyone will say to themselves, is this person
Speaker 1: right for me? And I actually think that's a really
Speaker 1: good sign. It's really important to reevaluate at certain points
Speaker 1: in your relationship that this is working, that you actually
Speaker 1: want to be there, that you're not just like passively
Speaker 1: engaging in the relationship because it's the path of least
Speaker 1: resistance because you know you've just gotten used to them.
Speaker 1: I really think that you can still have arguments in
Speaker 1: healthy compatible relationships. You can still feel misunderstood. You still
Speaker 1: will have to compromise or disagree, and it doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that they are not right for you, but that it
Speaker 1: cannot be the core experience of being in a relationship
Speaker 1: with someone. It cannot be constant fights, constant misunderstandings, the
Speaker 1: same fights which you know give such a beautiful sense
Speaker 1: of relief when they're done that you confuse it with love,
Speaker 1: like it cannot be feeling cold in the relationship or
Speaker 1: a sense of relief when you're not together. I watch
Speaker 1: this really amazing interview on YouTube the other day of
Speaker 1: this woman her name is Spirit, I don't like. I
Speaker 1: think she just goes by Spirit and she explains what
Speaker 1: it feels like to be in an emotionally incompatible friendship
Speaker 1: or relationship, and the way she describes it is the
Speaker 1: circle and the square. So I want you to imagine
Speaker 1: like a big square. You can even trot it down
Speaker 1: like a big square, and inside is a circle, and
Speaker 1: the circle touches each side of the square. It feels supported,
Speaker 1: you know, every side is touched. But there are these
Speaker 1: gaps where the cannot touch the corners of the square
Speaker 1: because it's obviously not a square. And those gaps between
Speaker 1: the circles edges and the corners of the square, those
Speaker 1: are our unmet needs. The circle in the square can
Speaker 1: never feel completely supported while they are with each other
Speaker 1: because there is all this space that is miscommunication, all
Speaker 1: this space in which doubt flows in, Like you want
Speaker 1: to be with someone who it feels like you really
Speaker 1: really fit. And I will leave a link to this
Speaker 1: YouTube video because it's really really good and I feel
Speaker 1: like it's a very visual way of seeing it. But
Speaker 1: I think the first time I watched it, I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: that totally makes sense. Like all of these relationships from
Speaker 1: my past, I've just been trying to be the circle
Speaker 1: to the square, or like the triangle to the square.
Speaker 1: Doesn't work. So let's talk about the five signs. Now,
Speaker 1: I've rambled on long enough. Let's talk about what they are.
Speaker 1: I think the first sign that you are compatible with
Speaker 1: someone is that you feel emotionally safe and there is
Speaker 1: this sense of coming home to them, some part of
Speaker 1: you can finally rest. And I think this is a
Speaker 1: big distinction between chemistry and compatibility. The butterflies aren't is overwhelming.
Speaker 1: They're still there, but above all else, you're feeling like
Speaker 1: everything is quite still. You know, there's a famous quote
Speaker 1: that we think butterflies mean we're in love, but they
Speaker 1: really just mean anxiety. And I tend to agree. It's
Speaker 1: why I always ask myself the question is this excitement
Speaker 1: or is this nausea? Because they do tend to feel
Speaker 1: eerily similar, and sometimes you can't always tell the difference,
Speaker 1: or when you meet the right person, you honestly might
Speaker 1: confuse it with boredom. And I think it's because your
Speaker 1: body is used to feeling very alert and hypervigilin around people,
Speaker 1: and now with this person, like you can finally rest.
Speaker 1: And I know this is very difficult for people with
Speaker 1: who are naturally anxious to be able to discern. I
Speaker 1: think if you are someone who is quite socially anxiou
Speaker 1: or just has generalized anxiety, like any first date, anytime
Speaker 1: meeting a new person, it can naturally and it will
Speaker 1: instinctually spike your anxiety. So you might be going through
Speaker 1: life being like, oh my gosh, Emma told me that
Speaker 1: it should feel peaceful, but I never feel peaceful anyways,
Speaker 1: So how am I meant to tell same? With like
Speaker 1: relationship trauma, you can find dating to just honestly always
Speaker 1: be a very scary or fearful experience. But I want
Speaker 1: you to just take note of the times and who
Speaker 1: you are with when your body feels at ease, whether
Speaker 1: it is that like even just for a couple of minutes,
Speaker 1: you exit a stressed state, and you know, sometimes that
Speaker 1: can mean that you have to be friends with people first,
Speaker 1: and that's how you overcome the da dating trauma or
Speaker 1: a sense of anxiety around meeting new people. I think
Speaker 1: that's a really great way to meet someone who you
Speaker 1: genuinely are compatible with and that you like. I experience
Speaker 1: this with my boyfriend, and we went friends to begin with,
Speaker 1: but at the time I met him our first date.
Speaker 1: After our first date, I left the date and I
Speaker 1: was like, to my friends, I felt like almost a
Speaker 1: little bit bored, like it, I felt bored almost, and
Speaker 1: they were like, won't you were on a date for
Speaker 1: like four five hours, and you went to like three
Speaker 1: different locations, like you went out for dinner, you went
Speaker 1: out for a drink, you went out for frozen yogurt,
Speaker 1: like you obviously weren't bored if you were still there.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, yeah, like you're probably right,
Speaker 1: And I obviously went on another date with him, and
Speaker 1: it was like wonderful, but it felt like giddy and
Speaker 1: fun rather than stressful and tense, like I was not
Speaker 1: confused by what that feeling was. Something that also was
Speaker 1: very very apparent with him was like again this sense
Speaker 1: of like have I known you for a long time,
Speaker 1: Like I feel like I've met you before we even
Speaker 1: were trying to do this like backtracking math. I was like,
Speaker 1: I just feel like this is not the first time
Speaker 1: we have met. And I know, for like a scientific
Speaker 1: psychology podcast, that sounds very woo woo, but I don't know.
Speaker 1: That's just how it really felt. And this really brings
Speaker 1: me kind of somewhat to my next sign of deep
Speaker 1: emotional compatibility, and it's probably the most obvious one. It
Speaker 1: feels like talking takes no effort. We have all had
Speaker 1: that experience of talking to someone like at a party,
Speaker 1: or at an event, and it genuinely feels like you
Speaker 1: are pulling out your eyelashes, like each sentence, each question
Speaker 1: is a stretch. It's a struggle, and it's the worst,
Speaker 1: like it's awful. But then on the flip side, sometimes
Speaker 1: you meet these people who you like immediately, like you
Speaker 1: are on the same frequency, like platonic or romantic. The
Speaker 1: banter is perfect. There is a lovely balance between serious
Speaker 1: and emotional but also jovial and light, and the conversation
Speaker 1: almost feels like you've entered a flow state, like you
Speaker 1: just feel like you don't want to leave. The hours
Speaker 1: are passing by. You kind of forget to look up,
Speaker 1: You forget about what's around you, like you never run
Speaker 1: out of things to say. This is, like, I think,
Speaker 1: one of the most magical parts about being human and
Speaker 1: about falling in love or like finding yourself in a
Speaker 1: new connection or friendship, Like it's so magical. It's just like, wow,
Speaker 1: you get me, I get you. We're both here on
Speaker 1: this planet and here we are talking, and it just
Speaker 1: feels so natural. And even if you're quite introverted, I
Speaker 1: do still think that this can happen even if you're
Speaker 1: quite shy. I think it just feels like if you
Speaker 1: share similar values and similar interests, you don't feel judged
Speaker 1: talking to that person. You don't feel like talking to
Speaker 1: them it's going to put you at risk. It doesn't
Speaker 1: feel like your personalities are creating friction, like they're very,
Speaker 1: very harmonious. This really brings me to another point, and
Speaker 1: it's a very crucial ingredient for or compatibility. I don't
Speaker 1: think you can have a fulfilling relationship with someone whose
Speaker 1: communication style and personality constantly clashes with yours. For example,
Speaker 1: the one upper someone who always has to come up
Speaker 1: with a better story, a better example. That might be
Speaker 1: great for people who are competitive and want to be challenged,
Speaker 1: but for the average person, you know you're probably not
Speaker 1: going to get along with this person. Same with people
Speaker 1: who are quite self centered and arrogant. In a conversation,
Speaker 1: it's pretty hard to feel like you're flowing with someone
Speaker 1: who is talking about their wealth or their accomplishments all
Speaker 1: the time, or someone who was always looking over your
Speaker 1: shoulder for someone better to talk to, or who gives
Speaker 1: one word answers. I think how someone presents in a
Speaker 1: conversation is how they enter a relationship. So if they
Speaker 1: are present, if they connect with you, if they're focused
Speaker 1: and generous. I think that's a really really good sign.
Speaker 1: So this brings me to my third sign. You acknowledge
Speaker 1: each other's independence but still value the same things. The
Speaker 1: most compatible people I know are not identical. They are
Speaker 1: actually very different, and they insist on being their own people.
Speaker 1: They like each other, They love each other because each
Speaker 1: person puts time and energy into themselves, and so the
Speaker 1: individual things that they have fallen in love with they
Speaker 1: don't disappear when they become one. I guess. Also, I
Speaker 1: think independence shows that both people respect the other person's personhood.
Speaker 1: That's just like critical, critical, critical, critical. Let's talk about
Speaker 1: what we need to have in common though, despite our
Speaker 1: individual brilliance. So a question I get all the time
Speaker 1: is can I be in a relationship with someone who
Speaker 1: has opposing political differences to me? I especially got after
Speaker 1: the US election when people were like, hey, my boyfriend
Speaker 1: or husband voted for Trump or my girlfriend voted independent,
Speaker 1: Like can this still work? Let's talk about a twenty
Speaker 1: twenty three study conducted in Italy that will answer that
Speaker 1: question for us, not completely answer, gives us a good insight.
Speaker 1: So the authors of this paper, they recruited two hundred
Speaker 1: and seventy four Italian adults to take part in a
Speaker 1: short online survey. In the survey, they wanted participants to
Speaker 1: rank which of one hundred and fifty three characteristics from
Speaker 1: morals to humor to intelligence were the ones they'd most
Speaker 1: like to share or have in common with the romantic partner.
Speaker 1: The most important compatibility characteristic for these people was having
Speaker 1: and sharing similar viewpoints on important issues like sexism, abortion,
Speaker 1: human rights, the death penalty, and gender roles. But you know,
Speaker 1: more general political beliefs in like specific economic policies like that,
Speaker 1: it wasn't really that important. Basically, people wanted to share
Speaker 1: morals with their partner, and of course who you vote
Speaker 1: for does indicate your moral values or your moral perspective.
Speaker 1: A more recent study from last year twenty twenty four,
Speaker 1: so very timely, examined the impact of political dissimilarity on
Speaker 1: romantic relationships. The researchers studied more than five hundred couples
Speaker 1: and they looked at whether people voted the same and
Speaker 1: how their relationship was impacted if they didn't, And they
Speaker 1: found that not agreeing on politics created more friction and
Speaker 1: less satisfaction. Again, this seemed most powerful when the political
Speaker 1: differences were about issues that had moral implications. And they
Speaker 1: also found that in general, more and more people do
Speaker 1: consider political alignment when it comes to their dating choices.
Speaker 1: So it's not about politics that this is what I
Speaker 1: really want to express. It's not about politics, it's about values,
Speaker 1: other values that are important to share. As by that
Speaker 1: original Italian study, people want to raise their kids in
Speaker 1: a similar way. If they want kids, they want to
Speaker 1: have similarities in terms of lifestyle religion. About seventy six
Speaker 1: percent of people said that that was important, and also
Speaker 1: how they express and perceive emotions, which we are going
Speaker 1: to discuss next. But I think that all feels very
Speaker 1: self explanatory. Right, Like the things you would fight with
Speaker 1: about your family and that you would disagree with about
Speaker 1: your friend's lifestyle, you don't want that to be reflected
Speaker 1: in your partner, like it's going to make it so
Speaker 1: difficult because you're around them all the time. Like that
Speaker 1: just makes for so much more tension, a lot more unhappiness.
Speaker 1: Now for those of you who would say, well, you
Speaker 1: can approach these things with respect and agree to disagree,
Speaker 1: I also think that's completely true. I do think that
Speaker 1: that is possible and shows great maturity. But for things
Speaker 1: as deeply personal as your opinions on human rights and
Speaker 1: you know, women's freedom, it's hard to not then have
Speaker 1: a sense of resentment over that, especially with the person
Speaker 1: that you love the most. You know, if you are
Speaker 1: a woman and you're dating a man who doesn't think
Speaker 1: that you should have access to reproductive rights, and you
Speaker 1: do like, that's just not going to work. Like I
Speaker 1: genuinely just don't think that's going to work. If you're
Speaker 1: a woman and you're dating a man who doesn't believe
Speaker 1: you should have access to reproductive rights, and you also agree,
Speaker 1: and you also think you know your pro life or whatever,
Speaker 1: like that might work because you don't feel disrespected by
Speaker 1: that opinion. Very complicated, very nuanced. Hopefully that makes sense. Okay,
Speaker 1: we're going to take a short little break to recover
Speaker 1: from that intensity, and when we get back, we are
Speaker 1: going to talk through the final two signs of deep
Speaker 1: emotional compatibility and how to be honest with yourself around
Speaker 1: whether this person is really the one stay with us.
Speaker 1: We talked briefly about conversational communication earlier, but let's also
Speaker 1: turn to a emotional communication because whoa like they are
Speaker 1: very very different. You can be completely in tune with
Speaker 1: someone when it comes to the fun, the lighthearted stuff,
Speaker 1: and the hobbies and the interests, and then discover like,
Speaker 1: we do not talk about our emotions or approach them
Speaker 1: in the same way. So the fourth sign that you
Speaker 1: are deeply compatible is that you express and process emotions
Speaker 1: in a way that compliments each other. Now note how
Speaker 1: I don't say in the same way, because I don't
Speaker 1: think that's really necessary, but you should have some similarities
Speaker 1: in the you know, in this essential part of your relationship,
Speaker 1: you should be able to see where the other person
Speaker 1: is coming from. There are largely four different communication styles
Speaker 1: that influence emotional communication, and this is really based on
Speaker 1: some original research from a psychologist called William Maulton. So
Speaker 1: he began researching this back in the nineteen twenties, so
Speaker 1: almost one hundred years ago, and it's obviously changed a
Speaker 1: bit from his first conceptualization, but there is still generally
Speaker 1: there still seems to be four categories of emotional communicators
Speaker 1: in society. These are passive, assertive, passive, aggressive, and aggressive.
Speaker 1: Some people also include manipulative here as well, but I
Speaker 1: think that's just passive aggressive, So think it all kind
Speaker 1: of falls into four categories. Let's quickly talk about each one.
Speaker 1: I'm going to start with assertive because it's most commonly
Speaker 1: considered the best style. The assertive communicator is what we
Speaker 1: all should aspire to be. They have higher self esteem,
Speaker 1: They are able to find a really important middle ground
Speaker 1: between being aggressive and submissive. They clearly communicate their needs
Speaker 1: without trying to hurt others. And they're accountable like when
Speaker 1: they talk about their emotions with you, they aren't dismissive,
Speaker 1: and it comes from a place of building trust. A
Speaker 1: plus to the asset of communicator, like we really are
Speaker 1: aiming for that. Then we have the passive emotional communicator.
Speaker 1: These communicators are the people pleasers, and generally they prefer
Speaker 1: to go along with others' suggestions. They may find that
Speaker 1: they typically don't express their feelings or needs. They ignore
Speaker 1: their own personal rights and allow others to also ignore
Speaker 1: what they would like. What that looks like is referring
Speaker 1: to others' decisions to make sure that there's no tension
Speaker 1: or conflict, you know, not saying anything in the moment,
Speaker 1: which can lead to a lot of built up anger
Speaker 1: or resentment. But I don't think we can blame them
Speaker 1: like I think sometimes being a passive communicator is really
Speaker 1: the only option that some people have in the face
Speaker 1: of violence or on the face of emotional abuse. I
Speaker 1: heard from a psychiatrist actually who said the majority of
Speaker 1: his patients or clients who are passive communicators are those
Speaker 1: who have experienced trauma in childhood, bullying, neglect, abuse, or
Speaker 1: prior trauma or dismissiveness in adult romantic relationships, and so
Speaker 1: they have adopted this style to make themselves as small
Speaker 1: and as inoffensive as possible. Next up, we have passive aggressive.
Speaker 1: We have all encountered this. The individual who appears not
Speaker 1: to care, but under the surface is really acting out
Speaker 1: of anger, either through sarcasm or giving you the cold
Speaker 1: shoulder or being very indirect and then kind of blaming
Speaker 1: you for misinterpreting their feelings. They're very prickly, and some
Speaker 1: would say they have limited consideration for others feelings. I
Speaker 1: actually say that it's a protective mechanism. It's like they've
Speaker 1: kind of coming out of the shell and they want
Speaker 1: you to know what they're feeling, but they don't know
Speaker 1: how to say it properly and say it with say
Speaker 1: it with their chest. Finally, we have all out aggressive,
Speaker 1: the person who says what they want and what they
Speaker 1: need and they don't care if it makes you angry,
Speaker 1: and they are very forceful. There is no room for
Speaker 1: compromise with these people. They often lash out directly and
Speaker 1: they intend to hurt you. Like, there is anger and
Speaker 1: there is dominance, and that's not to be confused with
Speaker 1: the self respect of the assertive communicator. I don't think
Speaker 1: many people benefit from being with an aggressive communicator unless
Speaker 1: you are also aggressive and you can kind of give
Speaker 1: it back, like you can show them the love, the
Speaker 1: tough love that they are showing you, and like, I
Speaker 1: guess at that point they've kind of met their match.
Speaker 1: But if you're a passive communicator with an aggressive communicator,
Speaker 1: like there is so much that will forever be left
Speaker 1: unresolved because your way of approaching your emotions is entirely opposite.
Speaker 1: You either need to be with another passive communicator so
Speaker 1: you can kind of see each other's perspective and understand
Speaker 1: that this is a protective mechanism, or an assertive communicator
Speaker 1: who can be like, no, please tell me, I want
Speaker 1: to know. I want to get through this together. Same
Speaker 1: with a passive aggressive communicator. They need an assertive communicator
Speaker 1: to cut through some of the defenses and say, Okay,
Speaker 1: we're going to work this out like adults, like we're
Speaker 1: going to be big kids about this. And I really
Speaker 1: want to do a whole episode on how to become
Speaker 1: a healthy assert of communicator because you can shift how
Speaker 1: you interpret and express your emotions. It's a bit too
Speaker 1: much for this episode, but you know, beyond communication, I
Speaker 1: do think you need a similar style of emotional processing.
Speaker 1: And this is kind of reflected in that emotional communication style.
Speaker 1: But it also comes down to are you reactive or
Speaker 1: are you reactive or use someone who contemplates what you're
Speaker 1: going to do next. Do you need to talk through
Speaker 1: your emotions or feel them physically? Do you need space
Speaker 1: from your emotions or do you want to manage them
Speaker 1: straight away? I think if you feel your emotions in
Speaker 1: a way that compliments each other, this is a really
Speaker 1: beautiful sign of compatibility. You know, one person may go silent,
Speaker 1: the other person gives reassurance and you swap someone who
Speaker 1: wants to respond immediately. Is someone is with someone who
Speaker 1: is okay with taking time and you learn how to
Speaker 1: operate with those different styles together. I think you really
Speaker 1: don't realize how much this makes or breaks a relationship
Speaker 1: until you start to get more serious with someone. Especially
Speaker 1: you know, we know that our partner's emotions impact our own,
Speaker 1: particularly particularly their unmanaged ones. So you want compatibility, you know,
Speaker 1: you want balance and attunement when you work through vulnerable things.
Speaker 1: We're going to talk about the final sign of deep
Speaker 1: emotional compatibility between two people, and it is so simple.
Speaker 1: It's laughter. You know, the saying goes Couples who laugh
Speaker 1: together stay together, and the science and the psychology seemingly
Speaker 1: confirms it. It's a surprising sign of deep connection. But
Speaker 1: when you share the same sense of humor, I think
Speaker 1: it kind of gets you through a lot of things.
Speaker 1: Looks will fade, you will encounter challenges, you will move,
Speaker 1: you will change as people. But if you can keep
Speaker 1: being silly and keep that light, childlike wonder in your relationship,
Speaker 1: it seems that like your success is somewhat ensured. Really
Speaker 1: fascinating study on this from twenty twenty four. It asked
Speaker 1: participants in a couple to keep a diary, and in
Speaker 1: it they wanted them to report on how satisfied they
Speaker 1: felt with their relationship, how committed and how much they
Speaker 1: were laughing each day. They found that the days when
Speaker 1: each couple reported more humor were the days when they
Speaker 1: also were a lot happier and they felt more stable
Speaker 1: in their relationship. And these results really support findings from
Speaker 1: decades ago like this has been known for a long
Speaker 1: time that when we laugh more in a relationship, that
Speaker 1: bond feels stronger for both parties. Laughter is also a
Speaker 1: natural mood booster. It relieves stress, it gives us a
Speaker 1: more optimistic view on life, which is why I think
Speaker 1: so many of us use humor to get through tragedy
Speaker 1: and hard times. And if it's your partner who's making
Speaker 1: you laugh, well that's even better. So those are our
Speaker 1: five biggest signs of emotional compatibility. Let's quickly do a
Speaker 1: little summary, because you know this episode is almost half
Speaker 1: an hour long. The five signs are, it feels like
Speaker 1: you're coming home to them, There's a sense of emotional safety,
Speaker 1: the conversation is effortless. You are independent, but you share values,
Speaker 1: your emotional processing styles compliment each other. And last but
Speaker 1: certainly not at least they make you laugh. Knowing this
Speaker 1: is one thing, But how Can we use it to
Speaker 1: almost stress test our relationship? How do we use it
Speaker 1: as a litmus test when perhaps we are a bit
Speaker 1: blinded by early feelings of passion and attraction. So I
Speaker 1: want to give you a little bit of a checklist here.
Speaker 1: These are questions that I would be asking myself if
Speaker 1: I was dating again When I see them? Do I
Speaker 1: feel anxious or at ease? Do our interactions, either in
Speaker 1: person or online or overtext leave me feeling uneasy or confused?
Speaker 1: Do I find myself having to think about things to
Speaker 1: discuss with them? Am I hyper aware of silences when
Speaker 1: we're together? Are there conversations that I'm avoiding because I
Speaker 1: know that we'll disagree? Do I feel like my entire
Speaker 1: life is now focused on this person or are there
Speaker 1: still things that I love to do separately? Do they
Speaker 1: help me with my emotions or make them worse? Would
Speaker 1: I bring up an issue with them and know that
Speaker 1: it's something we can work through? And finally, when was
Speaker 1: the last time they made me full on laugh out loud,
Speaker 1: roll on the floor laughter. However you answered, you know
Speaker 1: this isn't graded based on a yes or no answer.
Speaker 1: You know there really isn't any right or wrong answer,
Speaker 1: although there's one that's definitely preferable. I just think that
Speaker 1: these questions reveal some additional things for you to consider,
Speaker 1: especially when you're in the early days, and you can
Speaker 1: look past these things if you want. You can decide
Speaker 1: that it's not a deal breaker to be uncomfortable when
Speaker 1: you're silent around them. You can decide that it's not
Speaker 1: a deal breaker that sometimes you feel a bit emotional,
Speaker 1: or that it's not a deal breaker that you can't
Speaker 1: bring up an issue with them. But I would ask
Speaker 1: why you think that is the case, and is it
Speaker 1: just because you are compromising on what you really want
Speaker 1: and what's going to make the relationship last in the
Speaker 1: long term, for the short term spark and the short
Speaker 1: term assurance that this person really really likes you. Now,
Speaker 1: there is not a single relationship out there that has
Speaker 1: not experienced doubts, that has not come across some very
Speaker 1: existential question of should we be together? But I think
Speaker 1: at the core, when I look at the relationships of
Speaker 1: you know, my grandparents who have been together for however
Speaker 1: many years, and my parents and friends' parents and people
Speaker 1: you see as relationship examples in the media, I really
Speaker 1: like would say a lot of what I know comes
Speaker 1: down to these very important pillars of compatibility. So if
Speaker 1: you are with someone or you are dating right now
Speaker 1: and you are not sure and you're a bit like, ooh,
Speaker 1: they kind of don't meet all these criteria, please wait,
Speaker 1: please hold out for the other person. I know that,
Speaker 1: especially in our twenties, dating can just feel so exhausting
Speaker 1: because there is this real stupid sense that like, you
Speaker 1: need to have someone by thirty and that you need
Speaker 1: to be in love. And so I do understand the
Speaker 1: social pressure one hundred percent absolutely, but I think it's
Speaker 1: better to be single for a few more years than
Speaker 1: to wake up at thirty two and be like, oh wow,
Speaker 1: this person really wasn't right for me, and now I
Speaker 1: have to start over again. You don't know who is
Speaker 1: waiting for you to make the right choice in this
Speaker 1: relationship or this situation and leave this relationship so that
Speaker 1: you can find them. So please go searching for compatibility
Speaker 1: over chemistry. I hope that this episode really really helped you.
Speaker 1: I hope that you can learn from some of my
Speaker 1: own experiences but also some of the research. Let me
Speaker 1: know if it resonated with you, and if you've made
Speaker 1: it this far. Please leave a little four leaf clover
Speaker 1: emoji in the comments and tell me what you thought
Speaker 1: or whether you think there are other signs of compatibility
Speaker 1: that I didn't cover and share them with everyone else,
Speaker 1: because I think that's also a really important part of
Speaker 1: this community, is that we expand on these ideas, and
Speaker 1: I appreciate you listening to this episode. If you have
Speaker 1: an episode idea that we haven't covered yet, I am
Speaker 1: currently looking for some new topics for this next season
Speaker 1: of the show, so you can DM me on Instagram
Speaker 1: at that Psychology podcast. If you don't already follow us
Speaker 1: over there, make sure that you've left a five star
Speaker 1: review of this episode, and then hopefully you are following
Speaker 1: along so you know when new episodes come out. And
Speaker 1: until next time, please stay safe, stay kind, be gentle
Speaker 1: to yourself, and we will talk very very soon.