1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, well, welcome back to the show. Welcome back 2 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:07,280 Speaker 1: to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are 3 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,880 Speaker 1: in the world, it is so great to have you 4 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: here back for another episode as we, of course break 5 00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:17,400 Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. Welcome to our twenty 6 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:21,799 Speaker 1: twenty five Valentine's Day episode. Every single year I like 7 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:26,160 Speaker 1: to cover like a specific topic around love and dating 8 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:30,920 Speaker 1: and relationships for this special time of the year. And 9 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,720 Speaker 1: if you're listening to this after Valentine's Day, you know what, 10 00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:37,600 Speaker 1: let's just pretend it's Valentine's Day. Show yourself some self 11 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:40,720 Speaker 1: love today, show someone that you love some love today. 12 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,160 Speaker 1: Just for no reason, every day can be Valentine's Day. 13 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,600 Speaker 1: I will stop with the cliches right now so we 14 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: can get into the episode. But yes, thank you so 15 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,680 Speaker 1: much for all the love you guys have shown me 16 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,200 Speaker 1: over the past year. I feel like this is about 17 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,800 Speaker 1: to be a crazy year with my book coming out 18 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,800 Speaker 1: in April obviously, with Mantra also out in the world 19 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:04,280 Speaker 1: new podcast, so hopefully this episode teaches you how to 20 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:07,280 Speaker 1: love yourself a little bit more, but also how to 21 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:13,840 Speaker 1: have healthy relationships with others and you know, recognize compatibility 22 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,280 Speaker 1: and recognize how important that is. That is my segue 23 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:21,760 Speaker 1: into what we are talking about today, which is, yes, compatibility, 24 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 1: what makes people just click? What really underlies those relationships 25 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:33,600 Speaker 1: that just work and seem so easy and calm and safe. 26 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,080 Speaker 1: And how can we make sure that we know compatibility 27 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 1: when we feel it, especially in kind of a modern 28 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 1: world that's very very much about instant gratification and about 29 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 1: passion and chemistry. How do we find those that love 30 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 1: that really lasts. I want to talk about five deep 31 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:58,360 Speaker 1: signs of emotional and psychological compatibility between two people that 32 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 1: you may not be looking for in a relationship or 33 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:05,840 Speaker 1: even in a platonic relationship. What are the signs that 34 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,720 Speaker 1: it's meant to be or unfortunately not meant to be. 35 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,680 Speaker 1: The reason I really wanted to do this episode and 36 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:15,840 Speaker 1: cover this topic is because I have in the past 37 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:21,360 Speaker 1: been someone who has confused chemistry and compatibility. Now, chemistry 38 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:26,600 Speaker 1: to me is all about attraction and emotional intensity and 39 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:31,639 Speaker 1: excitement and magnetism that pulls you together. It's definitely more 40 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:37,160 Speaker 1: physical than emotional, and also it's quite fast, It's quite 41 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:42,280 Speaker 1: rapid compared to compatibility, which often simmers below the surface 42 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 1: and takes a little bit longer to reveal itself. It's 43 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,679 Speaker 1: why you hear these stories of people who are friends 44 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:50,960 Speaker 1: for years and then suddenly are like, wait, are you 45 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,640 Speaker 1: the one for me? I think the moment that we 46 00:02:54,480 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 1: realize a deep compatibility with someone, it's very hard to ignore. 47 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 1: I also believe that we can have both. You do 48 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,680 Speaker 1: need the passion and the fire, you know, you do 49 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:12,600 Speaker 1: need to really feel like you are obsessed with them 50 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:16,320 Speaker 1: and that you love them. But if weeks and months 51 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,800 Speaker 1: go by and down the road you realize you can't communicate, 52 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,480 Speaker 1: you don't actually understand each other, It's not as effortless 53 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:28,120 Speaker 1: as you think. It can be a really rude awakening, 54 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 1: and you can feel very blindsided by the realization. And 55 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:36,040 Speaker 1: what you realize you've missed all along is the compatibility. 56 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 1: You've thought that that's what the chemistry was, and it's not. 57 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,120 Speaker 1: And I think in our twenties in particular, or at 58 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,760 Speaker 1: any rate age really you know I'm going to take 59 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: that back. At any age, you don't want to waste 60 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 1: your precious time in a relationship or even a friendship 61 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 1: for that matter, where no matter how hard you try, 62 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,400 Speaker 1: the thing that would make you to click is just 63 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,520 Speaker 1: not there. You know. Take it from me. I have 64 00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 1: been there, done that, got the souvenirs. And although I 65 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 1: wouldn't take those choices back, you know, it was very 66 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:08,000 Speaker 1: important for my growth as a person. I do wish 67 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,960 Speaker 1: that there were some things that I'd learned to recognize earlier, 68 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:16,080 Speaker 1: so I didn't have to learn the lesson twice. Luckily 69 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,640 Speaker 1: for me, I'm now with an amazing person with whom 70 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:23,920 Speaker 1: I have both compatibility and chemistry with, and I've realized 71 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,880 Speaker 1: there are some essential things that do define a good relationship, 72 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:31,560 Speaker 1: specifically a relationship that is secure. So consider this your 73 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 1: checklist whether you are dating someone new, you are unsure 74 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,920 Speaker 1: about the relationship you're currently in, or you just want 75 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,840 Speaker 1: some sense of your standards. I want to talk through 76 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:45,000 Speaker 1: all the psychology, the studies, the research on what makes 77 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: two people compatible without further ado, let's get into it. 78 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,679 Speaker 1: Some people really don't agree with me when I say 79 00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:02,280 Speaker 1: that two people who aren't compatible just simply cannot be together, 80 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,240 Speaker 1: Like if it's not there, it's not there. But I 81 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:09,359 Speaker 1: really do, fully believe that there has to be some 82 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 1: fundamental emotional similarity between two people before they even consider dating, 83 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,520 Speaker 1: and it cannot just be a physical impulse or just 84 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:24,120 Speaker 1: a sense of attraction, Like you know, if you're attracted 85 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:27,440 Speaker 1: to somebody, you can tell pretty quickly if it's mutual. 86 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,599 Speaker 1: But compatibility to me, although it does take more time, 87 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 1: is so worth it. And it's this instinct that without 88 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:38,680 Speaker 1: even knowing that you know, this person could learn everything 89 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:43,599 Speaker 1: about you. This person in some ways already does see 90 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:46,760 Speaker 1: you very very deeply. You know there is some part 91 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:50,320 Speaker 1: of you reflected in them. A way of seeing the world, 92 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:54,359 Speaker 1: a way of handling emotions, a respect, a likeness, like 93 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:57,400 Speaker 1: it's a depth that you share. And I know that 94 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:01,000 Speaker 1: sounds very very intangible. We're going to talk about exactly 95 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,640 Speaker 1: what that looks like. But I think when you don't 96 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,960 Speaker 1: have that, you will never feel fulfilled by the other person, 97 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:10,560 Speaker 1: Like they just simply don't meet your emotional needs. And 98 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 1: it's very very hard to ignore. Now, I will say, 99 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,480 Speaker 1: and I say this like to my friends quite a lot. 100 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 1: Actually it's not uncommon to occasionally have doubts about your relationship. 101 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,400 Speaker 1: I really want to impress that, Like at some stage, 102 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,640 Speaker 1: I think everyone will say to themselves, is this person 103 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 1: right for me? And I actually think that's a really 104 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:35,240 Speaker 1: good sign. It's really important to reevaluate at certain points 105 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,760 Speaker 1: in your relationship that this is working, that you actually 106 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 1: want to be there, that you're not just like passively 107 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,679 Speaker 1: engaging in the relationship because it's the path of least 108 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,719 Speaker 1: resistance because you know you've just gotten used to them. 109 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,880 Speaker 1: I really think that you can still have arguments in 110 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:55,520 Speaker 1: healthy compatible relationships. You can still feel misunderstood. You still 111 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,160 Speaker 1: will have to compromise or disagree, and it doesn't mean 112 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,080 Speaker 1: that they are not right for you, but that it 113 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,479 Speaker 1: cannot be the core experience of being in a relationship 114 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:08,680 Speaker 1: with someone. It cannot be constant fights, constant misunderstandings, the 115 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,880 Speaker 1: same fights which you know give such a beautiful sense 116 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,640 Speaker 1: of relief when they're done that you confuse it with love, 117 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,200 Speaker 1: like it cannot be feeling cold in the relationship or 118 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 1: a sense of relief when you're not together. I watch 119 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 1: this really amazing interview on YouTube the other day of 120 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,880 Speaker 1: this woman her name is Spirit, I don't like. I 121 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,360 Speaker 1: think she just goes by Spirit and she explains what 122 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:38,240 Speaker 1: it feels like to be in an emotionally incompatible friendship 123 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 1: or relationship, and the way she describes it is the 124 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,680 Speaker 1: circle and the square. So I want you to imagine 125 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:48,080 Speaker 1: like a big square. You can even trot it down 126 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: like a big square, and inside is a circle, and 127 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 1: the circle touches each side of the square. It feels supported, 128 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 1: you know, every side is touched. But there are these 129 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,080 Speaker 1: gaps where the cannot touch the corners of the square 130 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:06,080 Speaker 1: because it's obviously not a square. And those gaps between 131 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: the circles edges and the corners of the square, those 132 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 1: are our unmet needs. The circle in the square can 133 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,680 Speaker 1: never feel completely supported while they are with each other 134 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:21,520 Speaker 1: because there is all this space that is miscommunication, all 135 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 1: this space in which doubt flows in, Like you want 136 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,480 Speaker 1: to be with someone who it feels like you really 137 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,200 Speaker 1: really fit. And I will leave a link to this 138 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 1: YouTube video because it's really really good and I feel 139 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,640 Speaker 1: like it's a very visual way of seeing it. But 140 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:37,360 Speaker 1: I think the first time I watched it, I was like, oh, 141 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,559 Speaker 1: that totally makes sense. Like all of these relationships from 142 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 1: my past, I've just been trying to be the circle 143 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,240 Speaker 1: to the square, or like the triangle to the square. 144 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 1: Doesn't work. So let's talk about the five signs. Now, 145 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,400 Speaker 1: I've rambled on long enough. Let's talk about what they are. 146 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,640 Speaker 1: I think the first sign that you are compatible with 147 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:59,000 Speaker 1: someone is that you feel emotionally safe and there is 148 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:03,840 Speaker 1: this sense of coming home to them, some part of 149 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 1: you can finally rest. And I think this is a 150 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:13,440 Speaker 1: big distinction between chemistry and compatibility. The butterflies aren't is overwhelming. 151 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: They're still there, but above all else, you're feeling like 152 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:21,160 Speaker 1: everything is quite still. You know, there's a famous quote 153 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,480 Speaker 1: that we think butterflies mean we're in love, but they 154 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:27,440 Speaker 1: really just mean anxiety. And I tend to agree. It's 155 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,520 Speaker 1: why I always ask myself the question is this excitement 156 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,360 Speaker 1: or is this nausea? Because they do tend to feel 157 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,079 Speaker 1: eerily similar, and sometimes you can't always tell the difference, 158 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,360 Speaker 1: or when you meet the right person, you honestly might 159 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,280 Speaker 1: confuse it with boredom. And I think it's because your 160 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:48,120 Speaker 1: body is used to feeling very alert and hypervigilin around people, 161 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:52,080 Speaker 1: and now with this person, like you can finally rest. 162 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,600 Speaker 1: And I know this is very difficult for people with 163 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,960 Speaker 1: who are naturally anxious to be able to discern. I 164 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,960 Speaker 1: think if you are someone who is quite socially anxiou 165 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:04,320 Speaker 1: or just has generalized anxiety, like any first date, anytime 166 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,840 Speaker 1: meeting a new person, it can naturally and it will 167 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:11,720 Speaker 1: instinctually spike your anxiety. So you might be going through 168 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,760 Speaker 1: life being like, oh my gosh, Emma told me that 169 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,280 Speaker 1: it should feel peaceful, but I never feel peaceful anyways, 170 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,680 Speaker 1: So how am I meant to tell same? With like 171 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,440 Speaker 1: relationship trauma, you can find dating to just honestly always 172 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,840 Speaker 1: be a very scary or fearful experience. But I want 173 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:29,680 Speaker 1: you to just take note of the times and who 174 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:34,040 Speaker 1: you are with when your body feels at ease, whether 175 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,240 Speaker 1: it is that like even just for a couple of minutes, 176 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:42,240 Speaker 1: you exit a stressed state, and you know, sometimes that 177 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,800 Speaker 1: can mean that you have to be friends with people first, 178 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,240 Speaker 1: and that's how you overcome the da dating trauma or 179 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,319 Speaker 1: a sense of anxiety around meeting new people. I think 180 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,720 Speaker 1: that's a really great way to meet someone who you 181 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:57,960 Speaker 1: genuinely are compatible with and that you like. I experience 182 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:02,880 Speaker 1: this with my boyfriend, and we went friends to begin with, 183 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,160 Speaker 1: but at the time I met him our first date. 184 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,840 Speaker 1: After our first date, I left the date and I 185 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 1: was like, to my friends, I felt like almost a 186 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:14,320 Speaker 1: little bit bored, like it, I felt bored almost, and 187 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:16,840 Speaker 1: they were like, won't you were on a date for 188 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,640 Speaker 1: like four five hours, and you went to like three 189 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,600 Speaker 1: different locations, like you went out for dinner, you went 190 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,680 Speaker 1: out for a drink, you went out for frozen yogurt, 191 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,760 Speaker 1: like you obviously weren't bored if you were still there. 192 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:32,760 Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, yeah, like you're probably right, 193 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:35,559 Speaker 1: And I obviously went on another date with him, and 194 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 1: it was like wonderful, but it felt like giddy and 195 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:44,400 Speaker 1: fun rather than stressful and tense, like I was not 196 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,520 Speaker 1: confused by what that feeling was. Something that also was 197 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,400 Speaker 1: very very apparent with him was like again this sense 198 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:53,480 Speaker 1: of like have I known you for a long time, 199 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: Like I feel like I've met you before we even 200 00:11:57,679 --> 00:12:00,400 Speaker 1: were trying to do this like backtracking math. I was like, 201 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,240 Speaker 1: I just feel like this is not the first time 202 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,839 Speaker 1: we have met. And I know, for like a scientific 203 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:09,080 Speaker 1: psychology podcast, that sounds very woo woo, but I don't know. 204 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:12,360 Speaker 1: That's just how it really felt. And this really brings 205 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,679 Speaker 1: me kind of somewhat to my next sign of deep 206 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:20,280 Speaker 1: emotional compatibility, and it's probably the most obvious one. It 207 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:25,280 Speaker 1: feels like talking takes no effort. We have all had 208 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,240 Speaker 1: that experience of talking to someone like at a party, 209 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,160 Speaker 1: or at an event, and it genuinely feels like you 210 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:36,320 Speaker 1: are pulling out your eyelashes, like each sentence, each question 211 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:40,480 Speaker 1: is a stretch. It's a struggle, and it's the worst, 212 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:44,439 Speaker 1: like it's awful. But then on the flip side, sometimes 213 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,640 Speaker 1: you meet these people who you like immediately, like you 214 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,760 Speaker 1: are on the same frequency, like platonic or romantic. The 215 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:55,680 Speaker 1: banter is perfect. There is a lovely balance between serious 216 00:12:56,200 --> 00:13:00,319 Speaker 1: and emotional but also jovial and light, and the conversation 217 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,400 Speaker 1: almost feels like you've entered a flow state, like you 218 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,560 Speaker 1: just feel like you don't want to leave. The hours 219 00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:08,720 Speaker 1: are passing by. You kind of forget to look up, 220 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,760 Speaker 1: You forget about what's around you, like you never run 221 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,280 Speaker 1: out of things to say. This is, like, I think, 222 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 1: one of the most magical parts about being human and 223 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,080 Speaker 1: about falling in love or like finding yourself in a 224 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:25,640 Speaker 1: new connection or friendship, Like it's so magical. It's just like, wow, 225 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,840 Speaker 1: you get me, I get you. We're both here on 226 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,720 Speaker 1: this planet and here we are talking, and it just 227 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:34,680 Speaker 1: feels so natural. And even if you're quite introverted, I 228 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,319 Speaker 1: do still think that this can happen even if you're 229 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,880 Speaker 1: quite shy. I think it just feels like if you 230 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:44,840 Speaker 1: share similar values and similar interests, you don't feel judged 231 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,680 Speaker 1: talking to that person. You don't feel like talking to 232 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 1: them it's going to put you at risk. It doesn't 233 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,560 Speaker 1: feel like your personalities are creating friction, like they're very, 234 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:57,880 Speaker 1: very harmonious. This really brings me to another point, and 235 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:02,040 Speaker 1: it's a very crucial ingredient for or compatibility. I don't 236 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,360 Speaker 1: think you can have a fulfilling relationship with someone whose 237 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:11,440 Speaker 1: communication style and personality constantly clashes with yours. For example, 238 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,000 Speaker 1: the one upper someone who always has to come up 239 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:18,080 Speaker 1: with a better story, a better example. That might be 240 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,560 Speaker 1: great for people who are competitive and want to be challenged, 241 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,920 Speaker 1: but for the average person, you know you're probably not 242 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,560 Speaker 1: going to get along with this person. Same with people 243 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,720 Speaker 1: who are quite self centered and arrogant. In a conversation, 244 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 1: it's pretty hard to feel like you're flowing with someone 245 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,240 Speaker 1: who is talking about their wealth or their accomplishments all 246 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:40,680 Speaker 1: the time, or someone who was always looking over your 247 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:44,240 Speaker 1: shoulder for someone better to talk to, or who gives 248 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 1: one word answers. I think how someone presents in a 249 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 1: conversation is how they enter a relationship. So if they 250 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:56,960 Speaker 1: are present, if they connect with you, if they're focused 251 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,520 Speaker 1: and generous. I think that's a really really good sign. 252 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:05,240 Speaker 1: So this brings me to my third sign. You acknowledge 253 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:11,560 Speaker 1: each other's independence but still value the same things. The 254 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:15,360 Speaker 1: most compatible people I know are not identical. They are 255 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,840 Speaker 1: actually very different, and they insist on being their own people. 256 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:24,280 Speaker 1: They like each other, They love each other because each 257 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:28,120 Speaker 1: person puts time and energy into themselves, and so the 258 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:31,160 Speaker 1: individual things that they have fallen in love with they 259 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 1: don't disappear when they become one. I guess. Also, I 260 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:41,160 Speaker 1: think independence shows that both people respect the other person's personhood. 261 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:46,040 Speaker 1: That's just like critical, critical, critical, critical. Let's talk about 262 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,640 Speaker 1: what we need to have in common though, despite our 263 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:53,040 Speaker 1: individual brilliance. So a question I get all the time 264 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,640 Speaker 1: is can I be in a relationship with someone who 265 00:15:55,680 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 1: has opposing political differences to me? I especially got after 266 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,560 Speaker 1: the US election when people were like, hey, my boyfriend 267 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,560 Speaker 1: or husband voted for Trump or my girlfriend voted independent, 268 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 1: Like can this still work? Let's talk about a twenty 269 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:14,520 Speaker 1: twenty three study conducted in Italy that will answer that 270 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,080 Speaker 1: question for us, not completely answer, gives us a good insight. 271 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:22,400 Speaker 1: So the authors of this paper, they recruited two hundred 272 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,720 Speaker 1: and seventy four Italian adults to take part in a 273 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:30,480 Speaker 1: short online survey. In the survey, they wanted participants to 274 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:34,760 Speaker 1: rank which of one hundred and fifty three characteristics from 275 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:38,360 Speaker 1: morals to humor to intelligence were the ones they'd most 276 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,680 Speaker 1: like to share or have in common with the romantic partner. 277 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:47,160 Speaker 1: The most important compatibility characteristic for these people was having 278 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:52,000 Speaker 1: and sharing similar viewpoints on important issues like sexism, abortion, 279 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:55,840 Speaker 1: human rights, the death penalty, and gender roles. But you know, 280 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 1: more general political beliefs in like specific economic policies like that, 281 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,120 Speaker 1: it wasn't really that important. Basically, people wanted to share 282 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,200 Speaker 1: morals with their partner, and of course who you vote 283 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,359 Speaker 1: for does indicate your moral values or your moral perspective. 284 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,640 Speaker 1: A more recent study from last year twenty twenty four, 285 00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:17,560 Speaker 1: so very timely, examined the impact of political dissimilarity on 286 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: romantic relationships. The researchers studied more than five hundred couples 287 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,120 Speaker 1: and they looked at whether people voted the same and 288 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,720 Speaker 1: how their relationship was impacted if they didn't, And they 289 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:34,960 Speaker 1: found that not agreeing on politics created more friction and 290 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:39,680 Speaker 1: less satisfaction. Again, this seemed most powerful when the political 291 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:44,640 Speaker 1: differences were about issues that had moral implications. And they 292 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,640 Speaker 1: also found that in general, more and more people do 293 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:51,800 Speaker 1: consider political alignment when it comes to their dating choices. 294 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,720 Speaker 1: So it's not about politics that this is what I 295 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:57,440 Speaker 1: really want to express. It's not about politics, it's about values, 296 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,320 Speaker 1: other values that are important to share. As by that 297 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,600 Speaker 1: original Italian study, people want to raise their kids in 298 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,800 Speaker 1: a similar way. If they want kids, they want to 299 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:09,560 Speaker 1: have similarities in terms of lifestyle religion. About seventy six 300 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,200 Speaker 1: percent of people said that that was important, and also 301 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:16,959 Speaker 1: how they express and perceive emotions, which we are going 302 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,760 Speaker 1: to discuss next. But I think that all feels very 303 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:23,320 Speaker 1: self explanatory. Right, Like the things you would fight with 304 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,399 Speaker 1: about your family and that you would disagree with about 305 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:30,359 Speaker 1: your friend's lifestyle, you don't want that to be reflected 306 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,280 Speaker 1: in your partner, like it's going to make it so 307 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,640 Speaker 1: difficult because you're around them all the time. Like that 308 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:40,600 Speaker 1: just makes for so much more tension, a lot more unhappiness. 309 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,399 Speaker 1: Now for those of you who would say, well, you 310 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,800 Speaker 1: can approach these things with respect and agree to disagree, 311 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,359 Speaker 1: I also think that's completely true. I do think that 312 00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 1: that is possible and shows great maturity. But for things 313 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:57,240 Speaker 1: as deeply personal as your opinions on human rights and 314 00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 1: you know, women's freedom, it's hard to not then have 315 00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:04,639 Speaker 1: a sense of resentment over that, especially with the person 316 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,480 Speaker 1: that you love the most. You know, if you are 317 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:10,119 Speaker 1: a woman and you're dating a man who doesn't think 318 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,560 Speaker 1: that you should have access to reproductive rights, and you 319 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,199 Speaker 1: do like, that's just not going to work. Like I 320 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,760 Speaker 1: genuinely just don't think that's going to work. If you're 321 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,840 Speaker 1: a woman and you're dating a man who doesn't believe 322 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,560 Speaker 1: you should have access to reproductive rights, and you also agree, 323 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,200 Speaker 1: and you also think you know your pro life or whatever, 324 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,919 Speaker 1: like that might work because you don't feel disrespected by 325 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:32,879 Speaker 1: that opinion. Very complicated, very nuanced. Hopefully that makes sense. Okay, 326 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:36,000 Speaker 1: we're going to take a short little break to recover 327 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,879 Speaker 1: from that intensity, and when we get back, we are 328 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,639 Speaker 1: going to talk through the final two signs of deep 329 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:45,359 Speaker 1: emotional compatibility and how to be honest with yourself around 330 00:19:45,359 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 1: whether this person is really the one stay with us. 331 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:58,800 Speaker 1: We talked briefly about conversational communication earlier, but let's also 332 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:03,520 Speaker 1: turn to a emotional communication because whoa like they are 333 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:07,760 Speaker 1: very very different. You can be completely in tune with 334 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:10,840 Speaker 1: someone when it comes to the fun, the lighthearted stuff, 335 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,960 Speaker 1: and the hobbies and the interests, and then discover like, 336 00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:17,560 Speaker 1: we do not talk about our emotions or approach them 337 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:20,439 Speaker 1: in the same way. So the fourth sign that you 338 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:24,800 Speaker 1: are deeply compatible is that you express and process emotions 339 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:28,040 Speaker 1: in a way that compliments each other. Now note how 340 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 1: I don't say in the same way, because I don't 341 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:33,400 Speaker 1: think that's really necessary, but you should have some similarities 342 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,600 Speaker 1: in the you know, in this essential part of your relationship, 343 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,200 Speaker 1: you should be able to see where the other person 344 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:42,200 Speaker 1: is coming from. There are largely four different communication styles 345 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:46,679 Speaker 1: that influence emotional communication, and this is really based on 346 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:52,280 Speaker 1: some original research from a psychologist called William Maulton. So 347 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:56,439 Speaker 1: he began researching this back in the nineteen twenties, so 348 00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:59,560 Speaker 1: almost one hundred years ago, and it's obviously changed a 349 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:04,520 Speaker 1: bit from his first conceptualization, but there is still generally 350 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:08,960 Speaker 1: there still seems to be four categories of emotional communicators 351 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: in society. These are passive, assertive, passive, aggressive, and aggressive. 352 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,359 Speaker 1: Some people also include manipulative here as well, but I 353 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,320 Speaker 1: think that's just passive aggressive, So think it all kind 354 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:27,520 Speaker 1: of falls into four categories. Let's quickly talk about each one. 355 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:32,280 Speaker 1: I'm going to start with assertive because it's most commonly 356 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:36,439 Speaker 1: considered the best style. The assertive communicator is what we 357 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,399 Speaker 1: all should aspire to be. They have higher self esteem, 358 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,359 Speaker 1: They are able to find a really important middle ground 359 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:48,880 Speaker 1: between being aggressive and submissive. They clearly communicate their needs 360 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:53,760 Speaker 1: without trying to hurt others. And they're accountable like when 361 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,960 Speaker 1: they talk about their emotions with you, they aren't dismissive, 362 00:21:57,119 --> 00:22:01,760 Speaker 1: and it comes from a place of building trust. A 363 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,480 Speaker 1: plus to the asset of communicator, like we really are 364 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:09,120 Speaker 1: aiming for that. Then we have the passive emotional communicator. 365 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,320 Speaker 1: These communicators are the people pleasers, and generally they prefer 366 00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:16,480 Speaker 1: to go along with others' suggestions. They may find that 367 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:20,200 Speaker 1: they typically don't express their feelings or needs. They ignore 368 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:24,280 Speaker 1: their own personal rights and allow others to also ignore 369 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:27,640 Speaker 1: what they would like. What that looks like is referring 370 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 1: to others' decisions to make sure that there's no tension 371 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:34,840 Speaker 1: or conflict, you know, not saying anything in the moment, 372 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,240 Speaker 1: which can lead to a lot of built up anger 373 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,720 Speaker 1: or resentment. But I don't think we can blame them 374 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:45,920 Speaker 1: like I think sometimes being a passive communicator is really 375 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,920 Speaker 1: the only option that some people have in the face 376 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,760 Speaker 1: of violence or on the face of emotional abuse. I 377 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,639 Speaker 1: heard from a psychiatrist actually who said the majority of 378 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:59,160 Speaker 1: his patients or clients who are passive communicators are those 379 00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 1: who have experienced trauma in childhood, bullying, neglect, abuse, or 380 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:08,800 Speaker 1: prior trauma or dismissiveness in adult romantic relationships, and so 381 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:13,120 Speaker 1: they have adopted this style to make themselves as small 382 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:18,640 Speaker 1: and as inoffensive as possible. Next up, we have passive aggressive. 383 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:23,119 Speaker 1: We have all encountered this. The individual who appears not 384 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:26,680 Speaker 1: to care, but under the surface is really acting out 385 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:30,240 Speaker 1: of anger, either through sarcasm or giving you the cold 386 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,680 Speaker 1: shoulder or being very indirect and then kind of blaming 387 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:38,879 Speaker 1: you for misinterpreting their feelings. They're very prickly, and some 388 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:42,399 Speaker 1: would say they have limited consideration for others feelings. I 389 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:45,920 Speaker 1: actually say that it's a protective mechanism. It's like they've 390 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,520 Speaker 1: kind of coming out of the shell and they want 391 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,159 Speaker 1: you to know what they're feeling, but they don't know 392 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,400 Speaker 1: how to say it properly and say it with say 393 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:57,160 Speaker 1: it with their chest. Finally, we have all out aggressive, 394 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,600 Speaker 1: the person who says what they want and what they 395 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:02,359 Speaker 1: need and they don't care if it makes you angry, 396 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,000 Speaker 1: and they are very forceful. There is no room for 397 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,080 Speaker 1: compromise with these people. They often lash out directly and 398 00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:11,560 Speaker 1: they intend to hurt you. Like, there is anger and 399 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:15,639 Speaker 1: there is dominance, and that's not to be confused with 400 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:19,520 Speaker 1: the self respect of the assertive communicator. I don't think 401 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:24,160 Speaker 1: many people benefit from being with an aggressive communicator unless 402 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,560 Speaker 1: you are also aggressive and you can kind of give 403 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,119 Speaker 1: it back, like you can show them the love, the 404 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:32,280 Speaker 1: tough love that they are showing you, and like, I 405 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:34,919 Speaker 1: guess at that point they've kind of met their match. 406 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:38,680 Speaker 1: But if you're a passive communicator with an aggressive communicator, 407 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,720 Speaker 1: like there is so much that will forever be left 408 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:46,960 Speaker 1: unresolved because your way of approaching your emotions is entirely opposite. 409 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 1: You either need to be with another passive communicator so 410 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,640 Speaker 1: you can kind of see each other's perspective and understand 411 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:57,520 Speaker 1: that this is a protective mechanism, or an assertive communicator 412 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,840 Speaker 1: who can be like, no, please tell me, I want 413 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,320 Speaker 1: to know. I want to get through this together. Same 414 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,720 Speaker 1: with a passive aggressive communicator. They need an assertive communicator 415 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,800 Speaker 1: to cut through some of the defenses and say, Okay, 416 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,160 Speaker 1: we're going to work this out like adults, like we're 417 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,840 Speaker 1: going to be big kids about this. And I really 418 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,919 Speaker 1: want to do a whole episode on how to become 419 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,960 Speaker 1: a healthy assert of communicator because you can shift how 420 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,159 Speaker 1: you interpret and express your emotions. It's a bit too 421 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:28,080 Speaker 1: much for this episode, but you know, beyond communication, I 422 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:32,240 Speaker 1: do think you need a similar style of emotional processing. 423 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,439 Speaker 1: And this is kind of reflected in that emotional communication style. 424 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:38,720 Speaker 1: But it also comes down to are you reactive or 425 00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:42,560 Speaker 1: are you reactive or use someone who contemplates what you're 426 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,760 Speaker 1: going to do next. Do you need to talk through 427 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,679 Speaker 1: your emotions or feel them physically? Do you need space 428 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:49,439 Speaker 1: from your emotions or do you want to manage them 429 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:52,359 Speaker 1: straight away? I think if you feel your emotions in 430 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,200 Speaker 1: a way that compliments each other, this is a really 431 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,359 Speaker 1: beautiful sign of compatibility. You know, one person may go silent, 432 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,679 Speaker 1: the other person gives reassurance and you swap someone who 433 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,960 Speaker 1: wants to respond immediately. Is someone is with someone who 434 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,359 Speaker 1: is okay with taking time and you learn how to 435 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:13,320 Speaker 1: operate with those different styles together. I think you really 436 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,280 Speaker 1: don't realize how much this makes or breaks a relationship 437 00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:19,960 Speaker 1: until you start to get more serious with someone. Especially 438 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:24,040 Speaker 1: you know, we know that our partner's emotions impact our own, 439 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:32,399 Speaker 1: particularly particularly their unmanaged ones. So you want compatibility, you know, 440 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:37,240 Speaker 1: you want balance and attunement when you work through vulnerable things. 441 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,200 Speaker 1: We're going to talk about the final sign of deep 442 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:44,800 Speaker 1: emotional compatibility between two people, and it is so simple. 443 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:49,720 Speaker 1: It's laughter. You know, the saying goes Couples who laugh 444 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:53,760 Speaker 1: together stay together, and the science and the psychology seemingly 445 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,439 Speaker 1: confirms it. It's a surprising sign of deep connection. But 446 00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:00,240 Speaker 1: when you share the same sense of humor, I think 447 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:01,879 Speaker 1: it kind of gets you through a lot of things. 448 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:06,280 Speaker 1: Looks will fade, you will encounter challenges, you will move, 449 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:09,080 Speaker 1: you will change as people. But if you can keep 450 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:14,120 Speaker 1: being silly and keep that light, childlike wonder in your relationship, 451 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:18,240 Speaker 1: it seems that like your success is somewhat ensured. Really 452 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:21,840 Speaker 1: fascinating study on this from twenty twenty four. It asked 453 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,399 Speaker 1: participants in a couple to keep a diary, and in 454 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:28,879 Speaker 1: it they wanted them to report on how satisfied they 455 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:32,600 Speaker 1: felt with their relationship, how committed and how much they 456 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:36,320 Speaker 1: were laughing each day. They found that the days when 457 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:39,639 Speaker 1: each couple reported more humor were the days when they 458 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:43,000 Speaker 1: also were a lot happier and they felt more stable 459 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:47,960 Speaker 1: in their relationship. And these results really support findings from 460 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,560 Speaker 1: decades ago like this has been known for a long 461 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:54,680 Speaker 1: time that when we laugh more in a relationship, that 462 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:59,439 Speaker 1: bond feels stronger for both parties. Laughter is also a 463 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:02,560 Speaker 1: natural mood booster. It relieves stress, it gives us a 464 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,280 Speaker 1: more optimistic view on life, which is why I think 465 00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:07,720 Speaker 1: so many of us use humor to get through tragedy 466 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,560 Speaker 1: and hard times. And if it's your partner who's making 467 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,240 Speaker 1: you laugh, well that's even better. So those are our 468 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:18,480 Speaker 1: five biggest signs of emotional compatibility. Let's quickly do a 469 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,160 Speaker 1: little summary, because you know this episode is almost half 470 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,720 Speaker 1: an hour long. The five signs are, it feels like 471 00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,480 Speaker 1: you're coming home to them, There's a sense of emotional safety, 472 00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:33,280 Speaker 1: the conversation is effortless. You are independent, but you share values, 473 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:38,600 Speaker 1: your emotional processing styles compliment each other. And last but 474 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:42,280 Speaker 1: certainly not at least they make you laugh. Knowing this 475 00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:45,320 Speaker 1: is one thing, But how Can we use it to 476 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:49,400 Speaker 1: almost stress test our relationship? How do we use it 477 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,200 Speaker 1: as a litmus test when perhaps we are a bit 478 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 1: blinded by early feelings of passion and attraction. So I 479 00:28:57,360 --> 00:28:59,480 Speaker 1: want to give you a little bit of a checklist here. 480 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:03,800 Speaker 1: These are questions that I would be asking myself if 481 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:07,840 Speaker 1: I was dating again When I see them? Do I 482 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:13,120 Speaker 1: feel anxious or at ease? Do our interactions, either in 483 00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:18,360 Speaker 1: person or online or overtext leave me feeling uneasy or confused? 484 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:22,680 Speaker 1: Do I find myself having to think about things to 485 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:27,040 Speaker 1: discuss with them? Am I hyper aware of silences when 486 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:31,640 Speaker 1: we're together? Are there conversations that I'm avoiding because I 487 00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:35,680 Speaker 1: know that we'll disagree? Do I feel like my entire 488 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:39,000 Speaker 1: life is now focused on this person or are there 489 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:42,440 Speaker 1: still things that I love to do separately? Do they 490 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:46,480 Speaker 1: help me with my emotions or make them worse? Would 491 00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:49,520 Speaker 1: I bring up an issue with them and know that 492 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:53,520 Speaker 1: it's something we can work through? And finally, when was 493 00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:57,680 Speaker 1: the last time they made me full on laugh out loud, 494 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:01,280 Speaker 1: roll on the floor laughter. However you answered, you know 495 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,960 Speaker 1: this isn't graded based on a yes or no answer. 496 00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:07,240 Speaker 1: You know there really isn't any right or wrong answer, 497 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:10,000 Speaker 1: although there's one that's definitely preferable. I just think that 498 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:14,760 Speaker 1: these questions reveal some additional things for you to consider, 499 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:18,640 Speaker 1: especially when you're in the early days, and you can 500 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:21,120 Speaker 1: look past these things if you want. You can decide 501 00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:24,840 Speaker 1: that it's not a deal breaker to be uncomfortable when 502 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 1: you're silent around them. You can decide that it's not 503 00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:31,040 Speaker 1: a deal breaker that sometimes you feel a bit emotional, 504 00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:32,880 Speaker 1: or that it's not a deal breaker that you can't 505 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:36,400 Speaker 1: bring up an issue with them. But I would ask 506 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,640 Speaker 1: why you think that is the case, and is it 507 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:42,320 Speaker 1: just because you are compromising on what you really want 508 00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:45,080 Speaker 1: and what's going to make the relationship last in the 509 00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:48,920 Speaker 1: long term, for the short term spark and the short 510 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:53,600 Speaker 1: term assurance that this person really really likes you. Now, 511 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:56,680 Speaker 1: there is not a single relationship out there that has 512 00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,840 Speaker 1: not experienced doubts, that has not come across some very 513 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:04,560 Speaker 1: existential question of should we be together? But I think 514 00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:07,160 Speaker 1: at the core, when I look at the relationships of 515 00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:10,200 Speaker 1: you know, my grandparents who have been together for however 516 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:13,640 Speaker 1: many years, and my parents and friends' parents and people 517 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 1: you see as relationship examples in the media, I really 518 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,680 Speaker 1: like would say a lot of what I know comes 519 00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:24,840 Speaker 1: down to these very important pillars of compatibility. So if 520 00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:26,760 Speaker 1: you are with someone or you are dating right now 521 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:30,000 Speaker 1: and you are not sure and you're a bit like, ooh, 522 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:33,480 Speaker 1: they kind of don't meet all these criteria, please wait, 523 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:36,840 Speaker 1: please hold out for the other person. I know that, 524 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:40,080 Speaker 1: especially in our twenties, dating can just feel so exhausting 525 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:43,040 Speaker 1: because there is this real stupid sense that like, you 526 00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:45,480 Speaker 1: need to have someone by thirty and that you need 527 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,560 Speaker 1: to be in love. And so I do understand the 528 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:51,280 Speaker 1: social pressure one hundred percent absolutely, but I think it's 529 00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:53,680 Speaker 1: better to be single for a few more years than 530 00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:56,600 Speaker 1: to wake up at thirty two and be like, oh wow, 531 00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,800 Speaker 1: this person really wasn't right for me, and now I 532 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:02,080 Speaker 1: have to start over again. You don't know who is 533 00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:04,120 Speaker 1: waiting for you to make the right choice in this 534 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:08,000 Speaker 1: relationship or this situation and leave this relationship so that 535 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:12,600 Speaker 1: you can find them. So please go searching for compatibility 536 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:16,640 Speaker 1: over chemistry. I hope that this episode really really helped you. 537 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:18,960 Speaker 1: I hope that you can learn from some of my 538 00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:22,240 Speaker 1: own experiences but also some of the research. Let me 539 00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:24,240 Speaker 1: know if it resonated with you, and if you've made 540 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:27,600 Speaker 1: it this far. Please leave a little four leaf clover 541 00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:30,560 Speaker 1: emoji in the comments and tell me what you thought 542 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,240 Speaker 1: or whether you think there are other signs of compatibility 543 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:35,640 Speaker 1: that I didn't cover and share them with everyone else, 544 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:37,480 Speaker 1: because I think that's also a really important part of 545 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:40,640 Speaker 1: this community, is that we expand on these ideas, and 546 00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:43,320 Speaker 1: I appreciate you listening to this episode. If you have 547 00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:46,239 Speaker 1: an episode idea that we haven't covered yet, I am 548 00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:50,760 Speaker 1: currently looking for some new topics for this next season 549 00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:53,080 Speaker 1: of the show, so you can DM me on Instagram 550 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:56,920 Speaker 1: at that Psychology podcast. If you don't already follow us 551 00:32:56,960 --> 00:32:59,320 Speaker 1: over there, make sure that you've left a five star 552 00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:02,200 Speaker 1: review of this episode, and then hopefully you are following 553 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:05,160 Speaker 1: along so you know when new episodes come out. And 554 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:08,760 Speaker 1: until next time, please stay safe, stay kind, be gentle 555 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,480 Speaker 1: to yourself, and we will talk very very soon.