1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,760 Speaker 1: I've been tracking how much affection my wife gives me. 2 00:00:04,519 --> 00:00:08,880 Speaker 1: I think she's neglecting me. Oh that's already. 3 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:10,080 Speaker 2: So already, sad. 4 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: I thirty four male, and my wife forty three female, 5 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:18,640 Speaker 1: have been together for sixteen years. So when did the 6 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:22,239 Speaker 1: math and married for seven? We have a four year 7 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:35,600 Speaker 1: old daughter. Sixteen years that is eighteen, little dicey, eighteen 8 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 1: and twenty seven, Little dicey, Little dicey, little dicey. Let's say, 9 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: you know, maybe it gets better. We have a four 10 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:49,280 Speaker 1: year old daughter together. After the first few years where 11 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:53,360 Speaker 1: my wife was very kind, present, loving, and affectionate, things 12 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:57,960 Speaker 1: have changed a lot. I rarely receive kisses from her, 13 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 1: let alone hugs or kind words. She doesn't ask how 14 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: I am in the morning, let alone say good morning 15 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,440 Speaker 1: or good night. By the way, this comes from a 16 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:10,520 Speaker 1: Boisonberry Still fourteen ninety eight on the rslash Okay storytime 17 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:15,520 Speaker 1: suppread it. So I'm tired of this. I have told 18 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 1: her in every possible way that as a man, I 19 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: need these expressions of love to feel loved. I mean, 20 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:21,960 Speaker 1: I think as a human. 21 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:23,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's everyone. 22 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:24,560 Speaker 1: I give Sophia a hug every morning. 23 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:26,919 Speaker 2: That's true, and I feel loved. 24 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, you better, you better. Her excuse is that she 25 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 1: is too stressed because of the child, but these things 26 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 1: were happening even before our daughter was born, or that 27 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:41,399 Speaker 1: everything depends on my behavior towards her every time. It 28 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,480 Speaker 1: always depends only on me when we argue about this, 29 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:48,480 Speaker 1: she says, I'm exaggerating. Tired of arguing about this for 30 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,800 Speaker 1: a year. I have recorded in a diary all her 31 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:55,760 Speaker 1: expressions of love over the past month. Here you can 32 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 1: see a screenshot. I know it may seem exaggerated, but 33 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:04,000 Speaker 1: believe me, I am exhausted and don't know how else 34 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:08,160 Speaker 1: to show her the lack of love I feel from her, 35 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,799 Speaker 1: which is so sad. I mean, you've told her, You've 36 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:15,040 Speaker 1: told her at that point, you're gathering data, which sucks. 37 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:23,240 Speaker 1: But yeah, oh this makes me sad. Yeah. Can you 38 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,720 Speaker 1: tell me if you, who have a beautiful marriage and 39 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,680 Speaker 1: are deeply in love with your husband's slash wife, have 40 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:34,040 Speaker 1: so few demonstrations of affection during the month. What I 41 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 1: don't understand is that spicy sleepily things are fine, and 42 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,720 Speaker 1: we have spicy sleep two to three times a week, 43 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,519 Speaker 1: sometimes initiated by her. I am fed up, though I 44 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 1: don't feel loved as I would like. And I have 45 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,239 Speaker 1: lived like this for many years, and now I can't 46 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,560 Speaker 1: take it for her, and now I can't take it anymore. 47 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,919 Speaker 1: Please don't get mad at me. Everyone needs their own 48 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,720 Speaker 1: time to understand certain things, and I realize this over 49 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 1: the past year. I am a romantic, passionate, and attentive man. 50 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:04,560 Speaker 1: I can give five to six hugs a day, kisses, compliments, surprises, 51 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,520 Speaker 1: and I can talk about anything and discuss things in 52 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,680 Speaker 1: different ways. However, being treated like this makes me shut 53 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 1: down and withdraw because of the lack of reciprocity. I 54 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,880 Speaker 1: am seriously thinking of divorcing because I don't feel heard 55 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:21,880 Speaker 1: or understood. I don't see a person who understands and 56 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:25,160 Speaker 1: takes action to change the situation. And there are some 57 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:29,120 Speaker 1: relevant comments and an update. So relevant comment says, what 58 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 1: is the breakdown of shared chores or household work? Ope responds, 59 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:38,160 Speaker 1: I'm doing fifty to fifty working, watching the kid, trash, laundry, 60 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,600 Speaker 1: blah blah blah. The fact is that even before the kids, 61 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 1: she behaved like that. I don't want my wife to 62 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,160 Speaker 1: be my mommy and I'm fully capable to live alone 63 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,400 Speaker 1: and do everything because I already had and gold Pico says, 64 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,680 Speaker 1: or that everything depends on my behavior towards her. Can 65 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:55,160 Speaker 1: you elaborate on this one? Opi respond says, Basically, we're 66 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 1: running in this circle until some months ago. I don't 67 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 1: receive what I ask affection, and I'm treated poorly. So 68 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 1: after a long time of patiently waiting for change, my 69 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,520 Speaker 1: stonewall slash get offended. We have a fight because of this. 70 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 1: She says she has enough of stonewalling and me being 71 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,080 Speaker 1: offended because it hurts her. When we end the fight 72 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:16,159 Speaker 1: with me being the one that swallows it and tries 73 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,040 Speaker 1: to let it go, I try to tell her what 74 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:22,240 Speaker 1: is causing this and to take action, time passes and 75 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,839 Speaker 1: we're again from the start. Sounds like a vicious cycle. Yeah, 76 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 1: some months ago I read about stonewalling and how bad 77 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:31,360 Speaker 1: it is, so I ended it. And still it's really 78 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:33,880 Speaker 1: hard for me to get through this lack of affection. 79 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,960 Speaker 1: The problem is that I've been also treated very bad 80 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:41,320 Speaker 1: during these fights. Geldat called names, divorce, threatened by her side. 81 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: I'm hurt on so many levels. Ocean Poet eighty seven says, 82 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,479 Speaker 1: what are you doing to love her back? I feel 83 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:50,440 Speaker 1: like the diary can backfire because it focuses your emotions 84 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:54,039 Speaker 1: on her actions rather than on what you can control. 85 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:58,039 Speaker 1: Opie says, the diary is about facts, not my emotions. 86 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:00,480 Speaker 1: If I receive no hugs for fire five days in 87 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,680 Speaker 1: a row, it's no hugs for five days in a row. 88 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 1: I tell her I love her, I tell her how 89 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,680 Speaker 1: beautiful she is. I joke with her. I buy her 90 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,200 Speaker 1: preferre year, I buy her preferred premium soda when I 91 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 1: do groceries, I ask her how she feels when she's ill, 92 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:20,839 Speaker 1: and I take care of her. But do I feel reciprocated? Nah? 93 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you just need to maybe. I mean, 94 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 2: you brought it up to her, so I think you 95 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 2: have to have a conversation about yeah, separating or divorce. 96 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:32,200 Speaker 1: Unfortunately, op elaborates more exactly this. I feel with this comment. 97 00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:34,400 Speaker 1: Even if we have a difficult four year old child, 98 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,440 Speaker 1: I mean, we have a lot of relaxed moments where 99 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,200 Speaker 1: I do kiss her, hug her for some seconds, tell 100 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,680 Speaker 1: her something nice. It is impossible that she's so stressed 101 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,919 Speaker 1: that she can't even hold my hand for some seconds. 102 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,839 Speaker 1: I think that the issue with her is that she 103 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:50,280 Speaker 1: comes from a family where the father was really abusive, hitting, 104 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:54,360 Speaker 1: calling names, etc. And in constant fights with the mother, cheating. 105 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 1: I think that she received love from her mother, but 106 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:59,760 Speaker 1: she didn't from his. But she didn't from her father, 107 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 1: and that's the results. But from the other side, I 108 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,679 Speaker 1: don't understand how she could give me what I needed 109 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:09,240 Speaker 1: the first half, first one to two years of the relationship, 110 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,200 Speaker 1: just because it was new. I also asked how her 111 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,480 Speaker 1: two previous relationships were with their partners if they complained 112 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,200 Speaker 1: about these things, but she says they didn't and that 113 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:21,040 Speaker 1: she was giving them hugs, etc. But in this case, 114 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,440 Speaker 1: they were three to four years older than her, so 115 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:28,599 Speaker 1: it's like maybe it's like the relationship dynamic or something. Yeah, 116 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 1: commenter says, I'm not saying you were immature for your age, 117 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,520 Speaker 1: but you were still an eighteen year old. 118 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 2: I mean you're eighteen. Yeah, yeah, you. 119 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:36,839 Speaker 1: Can only be so mature at that age, you know. 120 00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:39,919 Speaker 1: I'm saying she had to be very immature for her age, 121 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,520 Speaker 1: because it doesn't make sense otherwise there has to be 122 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:47,680 Speaker 1: some manipulation there from her that you miss Because you 123 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,760 Speaker 1: were an unassuming young man, like you said, she had 124 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 1: experienced from previous relationships. She knew how to woo you 125 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,320 Speaker 1: in and get you to commit. Opie says, thanks. Why 126 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,440 Speaker 1: would a nice twenty seven year old woman to an 127 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,120 Speaker 1: eighteen year old and can and manipulate him and get 128 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,720 Speaker 1: him to commit? What are your hypotheses? Thanks? 129 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:09,039 Speaker 2: I don't think it's like even to Opie's question, I 130 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 2: don't think it's necessarily a consciously ooh, I am manning 131 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,400 Speaker 2: to I've trapped this eighteen year old. It's just we 132 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:20,760 Speaker 2: have emotionally well, you have an emotionally immature woman who 133 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 2: clearly has some trauma from childhood, and she feels more 134 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 2: in control when you have this large power, dynamic and 135 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:31,480 Speaker 2: age difference. 136 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:35,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, And Kimberly finds Hays two previous relationships. Wasn't she eighteen? No? No, no, 137 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:41,520 Speaker 1: he's eighteen, she was twenty seven? Yeah, okay, And then 138 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:45,640 Speaker 1: looking at the oh man, okay, oh. 139 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:49,840 Speaker 2: Good nights, no good mornings, oh oh, interesting talks with 140 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,560 Speaker 2: one hundred percent attention none. 141 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:57,240 Speaker 1: So he's only had nice words on three days, he's 142 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,480 Speaker 1: only had a hug four days out of the month, 143 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 1: he's only had kisses five days out of the month, 144 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 1: and he's only had an interesting talk with one hundred 145 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,520 Speaker 1: percent attention one day out of the month. 146 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 2: And also nice word. I complained about it the night before, kisses, 147 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:18,520 Speaker 2: nice words and hugs I complained the night before kisses, 148 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 2: hugs after strong quarrel and night So these are all 149 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 2: preceded by conversations where he's like, please give me this, 150 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:33,400 Speaker 2: I need this. It's very sad. I just can't imagine doing. 151 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:40,199 Speaker 1: This, oh so, Op says, But again, if you're twenty seven, 152 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,240 Speaker 1: young and beautiful, won't you be able to do the 153 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,439 Speaker 1: same to same age men like you or older? They 154 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,280 Speaker 1: also already have everything in their life and call her 155 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:52,360 Speaker 1: to responds no, because older men have more experience too 156 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,480 Speaker 1: and are harder to manipulate. Maybe they didn't want her 157 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,360 Speaker 1: for a reason. Maybe they saw she didn't have enough 158 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,480 Speaker 1: to offer for a long term relationship. I'm guessing only 159 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 1: you know the truth and OPI responds, So you think 160 00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:06,240 Speaker 1: they already understood her lack of affection and attention for 161 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:10,040 Speaker 1: a long term relationship the issues I'm having right now. 162 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,319 Speaker 1: I always thought that she doesn't have respect for me 163 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,400 Speaker 1: also because of the age gap, and doesn't treat me well. 164 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,360 Speaker 1: Competer says, when you think back to getting married, did 165 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,560 Speaker 1: she lack affection the majority of the marriage. If so, 166 00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:23,720 Speaker 1: then yeah, I guess other men probably notice early on 167 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,680 Speaker 1: and didn't want to put up with it. If you 168 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,480 Speaker 1: feel she doesn't respect you, then that is a whole 169 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,160 Speaker 1: other problem. Do you feel she looks down on you? 170 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:35,240 Speaker 1: OPI responds, yeah, she did. I don't know how they 171 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,320 Speaker 1: were able to spot this. OPI responds to multiple comments 172 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,880 Speaker 1: regarding the age gap, him being eighteen and her being 173 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,920 Speaker 1: twenty seven at the time, says she was not pursuing me. 174 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: We just met in chat back in the old days. 175 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,559 Speaker 1: We talked and talked, and then the interests was born. 176 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,599 Speaker 1: She was very skeptical to consider me seriously because of 177 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,440 Speaker 1: the age, but after some time she did, we met, 178 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,120 Speaker 1: we engaged. Could you please elaborate on feel like the 179 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 1: age gap could play huge part? What is your pov? 180 00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:06,560 Speaker 1: Opie says, I was way more mature at my age 181 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,320 Speaker 1: because of my hard life before eighteen, so I wasn't 182 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,280 Speaker 1: in a mature eighteen year old freshman. I get your point, 183 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 1: but you're missing some info. Maybe I was more mature 184 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,160 Speaker 1: and she was less mature, But still I don't get 185 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,720 Speaker 1: why she had two relationship with guys three to four 186 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:22,720 Speaker 1: years older than her. So you think they already understood 187 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,000 Speaker 1: her lack of affection attention for a long term relationship. 188 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 1: The issues I'm having now, I think he is repeating 189 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:29,760 Speaker 1: a little bit. 190 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, but I again, I think like he's like, oh, 191 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:35,079 Speaker 2: why would she have been in a relationship with older guys. 192 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,240 Speaker 2: I don't even think it necessarily has to do with 193 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:40,920 Speaker 2: those older guys realizing that she was lacking something. Yeah, 194 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,599 Speaker 2: I think it's her like, maybe she gets out of 195 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,360 Speaker 2: those relationships and then she wants someone that she can 196 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:48,080 Speaker 2: have a little bit more control over who is not 197 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,920 Speaker 2: as able to pick up on these signs. 198 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,440 Speaker 1: Well, it's also just not that premeditated. 199 00:10:54,559 --> 00:10:56,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, no exactly. I think it's just like you fall 200 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,679 Speaker 2: into something and then you are able to stay in 201 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:04,600 Speaker 2: that relationship because they like the eighteen year old doesn't Yeah, 202 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,599 Speaker 2: like like two years into it doesn't pick up on 203 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:06,920 Speaker 2: those ones. 204 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, the older people might have picked up on signs 205 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,840 Speaker 1: that the relationship wasn't work. He didn't, and it wasn't 206 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,560 Speaker 1: because she was like, ah, I've got an eighteen year 207 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,240 Speaker 1: old that I can manipulate. It's just like, oh, they 208 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,880 Speaker 1: just ended up staying in the relationship because the eighteen 209 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:23,200 Speaker 1: year old didn't realize that a relationship could be different. Yeah. 210 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 1: And something that I feel, like, you know, I've learned 211 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,839 Speaker 1: in relationships is there's a lot of stuff that I 212 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:33,199 Speaker 1: totally like accepted and let slide that I realized and 213 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,920 Speaker 1: dating other people. Wait, that does like it doesn't have 214 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,520 Speaker 1: to be normal. Yeah, Like you can you can have 215 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:43,560 Speaker 1: like loyalty in a relationship, in honesty and you know, 216 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:45,400 Speaker 1: like like you don't have to like forgive. 217 00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 2: It's like when you ask for things and they're like no, 218 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 2: and you're like, oh, well, I guess that I shouldn't 219 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,840 Speaker 2: have asked for that, and it's like, no, you're allowed 220 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:52,680 Speaker 2: to ask for those. 221 00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:55,719 Speaker 1: Things, yeah, that you want. Yeah, And I think it's 222 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,880 Speaker 1: part of like becoming mature. 223 00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,959 Speaker 2: And I think to Opie's point about like, oh, well 224 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 2: I'm a more mature eighteen year old. You might have 225 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:08,680 Speaker 2: experienced harder things, but you're still eighteen. Yeah, and there's 226 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,160 Speaker 2: this twenty seven year old has gone through a lot 227 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:11,800 Speaker 2: more life. 228 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,200 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, dude, I think about like how different I 229 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,600 Speaker 1: was at eighteen versus I'm twenty seven right now, like 230 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,199 Speaker 1: a whole lot of life. 231 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:24,160 Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, your brain is just not like you 232 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 2: can't you can behave differently, but your brain is not 233 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:32,360 Speaker 2: fully formed, so you're still immature in that sense. 234 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:37,080 Speaker 1: So another conversation, did Opie do something for his wife 235 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,160 Speaker 1: and if so, what was a response? Opie says, yes, 236 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,200 Speaker 1: two months ago. I even questioned myself to the point 237 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:46,200 Speaker 1: I treated her like a princess for two weeks straight, 238 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,800 Speaker 1: not getting offended, telling her constantly how I love her, 239 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:53,000 Speaker 1: how sexy she is, hugging, kissing a lot of times 240 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:57,319 Speaker 1: with hearth, with hearth, But what I received in return 241 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,280 Speaker 1: just two compliments and when I love you. In two 242 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:04,360 Speaker 1: weeks after this, I felt so bad and not reciprocated 243 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,880 Speaker 1: that I decided to do this test if you want 244 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,680 Speaker 1: to call it this, and I couldn't do it anymore. 245 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:14,480 Speaker 1: It just hurt too much. And there is another update. 246 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 1: But yeah, this feels like this feels like different relationship dynamics. 247 00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:23,200 Speaker 1: And we were talking in an earlier episode about like 248 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,560 Speaker 1: there's people that just can't travel well together. Yeah, there's 249 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 1: people that this kind of relationship dynamic and this lack 250 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,800 Speaker 1: of affection might. 251 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:33,960 Speaker 2: Work people like a lot of physical affections or. 252 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:39,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's not like like she's not it's not 253 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 1: like she's doing anything like egregiously wrong. She's not listening 254 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,920 Speaker 1: to her partner, which is like a bad thing. But 255 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:52,160 Speaker 1: it's like, like not giving affection isn't a uh, it's 256 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:56,000 Speaker 1: not like I mean, it's part of a rest, It's 257 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,319 Speaker 1: part of what he needs for a relationship. If she 258 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,560 Speaker 1: wants to be in a relationship with him, it's like 259 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,760 Speaker 1: she needs to give this, But it's not like necessary. 260 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,760 Speaker 1: It's not like cheating, it's not like a no. 261 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,960 Speaker 2: But I think it is like this is something that 262 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,720 Speaker 2: is brought on because of how she grew up, and 263 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,360 Speaker 2: it is something she needs to work through. 264 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, if she wants to be in the relationship, right, 265 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,720 Speaker 1: But I think like if this is something that she 266 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,720 Speaker 1: just can't give, then that just means this isn't a 267 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,920 Speaker 1: relationship that, yeah, that they can be in. And I 268 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:27,040 Speaker 1: guess that's what I mean. It's like it's you know, 269 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,640 Speaker 1: it's it sucks. But this just seems like two very 270 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:33,120 Speaker 1: different ways of approaching a relationship that are incompatible. Yep. 271 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,840 Speaker 1: And you could ask someone to be more affection all 272 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,160 Speaker 1: you want, but if it if it is so against 273 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:44,040 Speaker 1: their natural state of being, it's going to be really 274 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 1: hard for any meaningful change to happen. Yeah, and sortifly. 275 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 1: Jen says it's neglect and I think like it. I 276 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 1: do think it is, but I also think it's like 277 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,880 Speaker 1: it might it just it just might be that that 278 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,600 Speaker 1: that is just not who she is. Cheryl Dye says 279 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,680 Speaker 1: they are just not compatible. That's I feel like it's 280 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:09,880 Speaker 1: a combination of neglect and incompatibility and both are very high, 281 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 1: like they don't have enough care or she didn't have 282 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:16,480 Speaker 1: enough care for him to meet him like halfway, and 283 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:21,400 Speaker 1: she's incompatible. So it's kind of like both. But yeah, 284 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,800 Speaker 1: I would love to know from you guys do you think, 285 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:27,520 Speaker 1: like do you think do you think this is something 286 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:31,760 Speaker 1: that can be saved? Is it just incompatibility? I would 287 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,520 Speaker 1: love to know what you guys think. Ellie says, I 288 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,640 Speaker 1: just want to know. He says time without kind words. 289 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,680 Speaker 1: Does that mean she's not giving compliments or she is 290 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,520 Speaker 1: just being mean? Is she snapping and being snarky all 291 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,160 Speaker 1: the time? I think it sounds like there is moments 292 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,040 Speaker 1: of that. Yeah, Oh that's a good question. Kim Robert says, 293 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,280 Speaker 1: how is affection with her child? 294 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,360 Speaker 2: I also think said he noticed a difference in the 295 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:53,720 Speaker 2: past four years, like. 296 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 1: After around no he noticed, so he the first two 297 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,920 Speaker 1: years were good then, yeah, it was it was before 298 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:07,920 Speaker 1: the relationship or before the child. He noticed this. Kirsten, 299 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,040 Speaker 1: did you? Says maybe Op and wife need to go 300 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: to couple's therapy. Yeah, if you want to save it. 301 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,720 Speaker 1: Cheryld Die says she's not even triving. Yeah, it doesn't 302 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:18,200 Speaker 1: sound like she is. Yeah, sort of. Abyjen says she 303 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 1: has not hasn't put forth any actual effort. So I 304 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,560 Speaker 1: think it's a lost cause. 305 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,200 Speaker 2: I agree. I mean he's tried to bring it up 306 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:29,000 Speaker 2: multiple times, like many, many times, with no change. 307 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:32,960 Speaker 1: All right. Update. So those days after publishing the post, 308 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,960 Speaker 1: I've spent a lot of time reading online, watching reels, 309 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:40,600 Speaker 1: watching YouTube videos to better understand my situation. And thanks 310 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 1: to all of these I discovered the issue of avoidant 311 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:48,360 Speaker 1: attachment style. I was stunned by how closely my wife 312 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,520 Speaker 1: fit the description, and I set out to thoroughly study 313 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,360 Speaker 1: the case. I also identified other things I should do 314 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:58,400 Speaker 1: in my relationship. Set clear boundaries, demand that my requests 315 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:02,600 Speaker 1: are understood, respect and fulfilled, stand firm in my position, 316 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:04,840 Speaker 1: and if necessary, and make it clear that I am 317 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:08,239 Speaker 1: willing to leave. I showed her the Excel sheet to 318 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,159 Speaker 1: my wife the next day, and her first response was, 319 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 1: but yesterday we cuddled. I told her, look at the 320 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,000 Speaker 1: facts over the past month. There are things you never do, 321 00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:21,479 Speaker 1: and the few things you do are a result of 322 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:27,480 Speaker 1: my complaints were arguments. They're not debatable. I'm sorry. Then 323 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,119 Speaker 1: I told her what I discovered and how she fits 324 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,600 Speaker 1: into the case. I read her the main characteristics of 325 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 1: these people and the types of traumas they have gone 326 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:37,080 Speaker 1: through in their lives. I explained to her, knowing her 327 00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:39,920 Speaker 1: personal family story, this was mainly thanks to the abuse 328 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,119 Speaker 1: she received when she was a kid from her parents. 329 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:47,320 Speaker 1: My wife was stunned and listened, then asked me, so 330 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:52,399 Speaker 1: what should I do to solve this? My answer, I 331 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:57,439 Speaker 1: don't know, because I really don't know. The thing I 332 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,919 Speaker 1: do know, and what I told her is that the 333 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,640 Speaker 1: these problems were generated in her childhood and they need 334 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:07,080 Speaker 1: to be addressed. Now. I'm now informing myself about the 335 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:10,760 Speaker 1: options available to solve or at least alleviate these issues. Sadly, 336 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,120 Speaker 1: we have difficult schedules, so therapist is off the table 337 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,720 Speaker 1: for right now. But during the day I cried a 338 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:21,480 Speaker 1: lot because finally, after sixteen years, I understand why we 339 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:25,320 Speaker 1: had these problems, A strong sadness came over me because 340 00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 1: I recalled all the situations where I was treated badly 341 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:34,800 Speaker 1: with indifference and didn't receive the affection I wanted. I 342 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:39,720 Speaker 1: also remembered all the lies and manipulations used over time 343 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:43,320 Speaker 1: to cover up her shortcomings. I think the first step 344 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,840 Speaker 1: is to focus on myself and solve my own problems 345 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 1: since I developed an anxious attachment style. I'll probably use 346 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,480 Speaker 1: an online course and books to do this since I 347 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,960 Speaker 1: have very little time between my daughter and work. If 348 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 1: it works, I will propose to my wife, who says, 349 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,840 Speaker 1: I understand, don't don't worry now. I know what I 350 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:04,399 Speaker 1: need to give you without course or anything. But I 351 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,040 Speaker 1: have serious doubts about the statement. And we'll continue to 352 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 1: track what happens in my diary. 353 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,280 Speaker 2: No that yeah, like she's like, oh, I don't need 354 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 2: any help. I'll fit. I'll do it myself. Just not 355 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:14,479 Speaker 2: the solution. 356 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:18,320 Speaker 1: No, I mean like you need a world and we'll 357 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:20,399 Speaker 1: continue to track what happens in my diary to have 358 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:24,200 Speaker 1: objective data. And I saw something Jelly but says, why 359 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:28,840 Speaker 1: so analytical? I mean, I think he's trying to paint 360 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:33,360 Speaker 1: a clear picture of like, what is actually happening, because especially. 361 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,000 Speaker 2: Because he's been talking to her about him and saying like, hey, 362 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,000 Speaker 2: I need this, I need this, I need this, and 363 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 2: it's not getting through to her. Yeah, and so he's like, Okay, 364 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:41,600 Speaker 2: you know what, here's proof. 365 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think sometimes you kind of need that 366 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,639 Speaker 1: proof for yourself too, so for yourself to understand what 367 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,240 Speaker 1: is really going on. Susan As says, the story is 368 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,240 Speaker 1: triggering to me. I totally relate to the wife. I 369 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:55,400 Speaker 1: still think the spreadsheet thing. I still think the spreadsheet 370 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:59,720 Speaker 1: thing is creepy. I mean, you know, everyone has a 371 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:05,800 Speaker 1: different ways of understanding their worldview. Is writing in a 372 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:09,200 Speaker 1: diary about what happened in the day creepy? Some people 373 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,399 Speaker 1: are just more analytical, Like I think, like, if you 374 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,360 Speaker 1: don't think writing in a diary is creepy, I don't 375 00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:15,800 Speaker 1: think this is that much different. It's just a little 376 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:21,520 Speaker 1: bit more analytical because opece sounds wow, more analytical. I've 377 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:25,640 Speaker 1: already told her that if unfortunately this situation doesn't resolve, 378 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,879 Speaker 1: I will proceed with divorce, and when I do, if forced, 379 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:33,000 Speaker 1: I won't go back. That will be the end. I 380 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,720 Speaker 1: will also follow the excellent advice from feeling okay twenty 381 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,760 Speaker 1: nine fifty one. In the meantime, I will let you 382 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:42,800 Speaker 1: know what happens personally. I want to see how things 383 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,280 Speaker 1: go next week. I am sure unless I'm mistaken that 384 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,560 Speaker 1: my wife will only last three days. In any case, 385 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,879 Speaker 1: I will continue my path to heal and be ready 386 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:54,040 Speaker 1: for a new relationship when the time comes. Stay tuned. 387 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:58,160 Speaker 1: If anyone has experience with spouse healing from avoidant attachment styles, 388 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:02,680 Speaker 1: please let me know and we have another update. 389 00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:07,639 Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, I don't even know. I don't. It 390 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,760 Speaker 2: seems like the wife is trying to say that she 391 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,159 Speaker 2: can move forward from here and like make change, but 392 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,400 Speaker 2: she's not. She's not actually wanting to do anything too. 393 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,119 Speaker 1: I feel like it's like, hey, I really want to 394 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 1: be like the best powerlifter in the world, but I 395 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,600 Speaker 1: don't need to go to the gym. I had everything 396 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,440 Speaker 1: I need. I have everything I needed once I'm gonna, Yeah, 397 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 1: I'm just gonna I'll start lifting when I go to 398 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,800 Speaker 1: the Olympics. Yeah, yeah, I'll start lifting then, you know, 399 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,080 Speaker 1: I don't need to do it. Ashon Bar says, it 400 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,640 Speaker 1: just seems weird to me. He is tracking her every day. 401 00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:39,679 Speaker 1: I mean, he's tracking their relationship. Then it was like 402 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,960 Speaker 1: a month. Again, like if you were to write this 403 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,680 Speaker 1: in a journal, would it be different. I think that's 404 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 1: like the question if you think that's weird, then maybe 405 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,960 Speaker 1: I just think that's weird. But like I journal every 406 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,119 Speaker 1: day about things that go on, and maybe this is 407 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,320 Speaker 1: like his version of a journal. I Alla says, I 408 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:02,680 Speaker 1: think something else is going on. If she was really 409 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,320 Speaker 1: into him, nothing from her childhood would cause his behavior. 410 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:17,520 Speaker 1: But shall we get into updates? So, as expected, my 411 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:22,000 Speaker 1: wife lasted less than three days, actually just one in 412 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:27,080 Speaker 1: terms of giving kisses, hugs, cuddling, but it doesn't matter. Wait. Actually, 413 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:31,879 Speaker 1: one real quick note. I remember reading a story not 414 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:35,040 Speaker 1: too long ago, and it was like this thing where 415 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,560 Speaker 1: this woman was married to this guy and she's like, yeah, 416 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,520 Speaker 1: I found myself like always checking his text, always like 417 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,040 Speaker 1: seeing if he was talking to girls, because he had 418 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,840 Speaker 1: cheated on the past, and I had caught him like 419 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:51,160 Speaker 1: you know, like like texting other girls and like sending 420 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,959 Speaker 1: spicy picks. And what I realized is I was exhibiting 421 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:58,600 Speaker 1: all this crazy behavior because I didn't trust him, right, 422 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,840 Speaker 1: And so it's like, really, I should have once the 423 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,920 Speaker 1: the trust ended, I should have stopped the relationship. But 424 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,800 Speaker 1: what I did is I kept in the relationship and 425 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:09,679 Speaker 1: then adopted a behavior to make up for the trust 426 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:15,399 Speaker 1: that was lost by being hyper observant and controlling. But 427 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:17,479 Speaker 1: really I just should have just ended a relationship. And 428 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,960 Speaker 1: to go back to what Ash was saying, like, I 429 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,040 Speaker 1: think it is weird track this, and but it's because 430 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,840 Speaker 1: he is staying in a relationship where he already knows 431 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:33,000 Speaker 1: like it's not working. The affection is gone, the relationship 432 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,840 Speaker 1: is is broken in a lot of ways, and when 433 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:39,520 Speaker 1: a relationship is broken, I think people compensate in very 434 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:44,120 Speaker 1: unhealthy ways, like being hyper observant and controlling of how 435 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,920 Speaker 1: someone is interacting with other people or with their phones 436 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,280 Speaker 1: and stuff like that, and or creating a spreadsheet of affection. 437 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 1: You know, like this is a weird behavior that comes 438 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:57,879 Speaker 1: out of a place of a lot of pain. 439 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:02,240 Speaker 2: Yes, and yeah, it just means this relationship is not 440 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:04,159 Speaker 2: healthy anymore. 441 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,679 Speaker 1: And he definitely needed should keep going to self therapy 442 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,760 Speaker 1: or single theorpy absolutely if she's not going to do couples. 443 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,639 Speaker 1: But it doesn't matter. I found all the things I 444 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,720 Speaker 1: need to fix me, So I'm starting my journey alone 445 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:17,720 Speaker 1: in order to be able to grow and be able 446 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,720 Speaker 1: without hapitation to proceed with a divorce and not go 447 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,199 Speaker 1: back to her. I'm also seeing a lawyer to have 448 00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:27,520 Speaker 1: everything checked before I proceed in the future. The interesting 449 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:29,919 Speaker 1: thing is that I listed all my insecurities and issues 450 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,560 Speaker 1: related to the trauma I experienced in my childhood, and 451 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,280 Speaker 1: I see a lot of things that I need to 452 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:39,199 Speaker 1: work on to fix in me. I asked, out of 453 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,000 Speaker 1: curiosity to my wife what are the top three things 454 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: she thinks should be fixed, expecting them to be at 455 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:47,639 Speaker 1: least ten items, but she told me that defensiveness and 456 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:51,440 Speaker 1: stonewalling are the only two things that without them, I 457 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:56,200 Speaker 1: would be the perfect husband. I was stunned and confused 458 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,760 Speaker 1: the whole day. I also asked if removing these two 459 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,919 Speaker 1: things would result in her loving me more, but she 460 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,240 Speaker 1: told me no because she already loves me the way 461 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:08,760 Speaker 1: I am and this is just my cross. So it 462 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,399 Speaker 1: seems she's happy with the marriage while I'm not. I 463 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,600 Speaker 1: want more from a relationship, at least the basic caring 464 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: of a wife. I don't think I'll give you any 465 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:21,040 Speaker 1: other updates because I'll be focused on improving things of myself. 466 00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:23,760 Speaker 1: But once the time comes for me to proceed with 467 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,360 Speaker 1: the divorce. I'll let you know what happens. Stay tuned. 468 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:29,280 Speaker 1: We got some relevant comments from Ope, but it seems 469 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:34,159 Speaker 1: like opis doing what is good for him. Yeah, And ultimately. 470 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:36,040 Speaker 2: I think, yeah, no, I think it's not working. And 471 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:38,840 Speaker 2: regardless of it's whether it's not whether or not it's 472 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:42,639 Speaker 2: working for her, it's not working for you. And that's like, 473 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:48,120 Speaker 2: that's the most important thing for you. Yeah, so I think, yeah, yeah, 474 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:48,959 Speaker 2: I have to end it. 475 00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:52,120 Speaker 1: And I think what is interesting is we are getting like, uh, 476 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,560 Speaker 1: we're getting like the wife's perspective. I'm not getting like 477 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,040 Speaker 1: the wife's perpective. Obviously, we're only getting Ope's perspective. But 478 00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,480 Speaker 1: it does seem like she's validating him, that she feels 479 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,800 Speaker 1: like the relationship is working. Yeah, on her end, on 480 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:08,280 Speaker 1: her end, but uh, we'd love to know from chat 481 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:11,320 Speaker 1: what do you guys think? Susans says the story is 482 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:16,440 Speaker 1: so one sided. Sophia Callen says, I agree. Josephina Madola 483 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:21,440 Speaker 1: Burquest says leave her. Cheryl Die says, I'm very I'm 484 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:25,040 Speaker 1: not very demonstrative at all. One of the reasons I'm single. 485 00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:27,960 Speaker 1: I like my personal space. And Haley Ana Bain says 486 00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:30,560 Speaker 1: hopefully he will stay single for a while. So Op 487 00:26:31,119 --> 00:26:34,160 Speaker 1: responds on how he's moving forward and working on himself. 488 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,880 Speaker 1: Thanks for sharing your story while I'm trying to start 489 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,800 Speaker 1: my healing process. I'm literally crying every day preparing for 490 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:45,159 Speaker 1: myself for my divorce. The probability of her changing is 491 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,000 Speaker 1: less than one percent, and the issues we have are 492 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,800 Speaker 1: deep rooted. In the past. I tried everything to get 493 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:52,720 Speaker 1: her attention. I gave her all the love I could 494 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:56,680 Speaker 1: possibly give. I tried so many times to accommodate her 495 00:26:56,720 --> 00:27:01,199 Speaker 1: way of being, but I've had enough. I'm heartbroken. My 496 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,119 Speaker 1: dear wife, my dear lovely wife, my first woman in 497 00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:05,959 Speaker 1: my life. I did everything I could to love her 498 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:09,359 Speaker 1: with all my heart and be recognized for this love. 499 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:12,399 Speaker 1: For this, every small bid for attention is lost in 500 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:16,320 Speaker 1: the dark. I'm really heartbroken. I'm just preparing myself for 501 00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:20,040 Speaker 1: the divorce, trying to cry out all the tears before 502 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,560 Speaker 1: I finally tell her I'm leaving. It's one of the 503 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,560 Speaker 1: most difficult things to do in my life. And believe me, 504 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:28,960 Speaker 1: I did crazy and difficult things in the past. This 505 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:32,280 Speaker 1: one is going to kill me. But I need to proceed. 506 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:35,160 Speaker 1: I can't live like this any longer. I don't want 507 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:38,600 Speaker 1: my child to see and become like this because the 508 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:43,200 Speaker 1: chances for her to find a good partner will lower considerably. 509 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:46,120 Speaker 1: And the comment said to oh Pee try to connect 510 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:48,520 Speaker 1: with his wife over the years, being affectionate in their 511 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:50,960 Speaker 1: marriage top He said, Yeah, I tried for a couple 512 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,480 Speaker 1: of years, also during COVID, but man, it was hell. 513 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:55,800 Speaker 1: Me just working, playing video games till one to two 514 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,160 Speaker 1: in the morning, sometimes watch a movie with her where 515 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,840 Speaker 1: she would always fall asleep, no real connection, just me 516 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,760 Speaker 1: doing something and her on the phone. I remember one 517 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,080 Speaker 1: time one friend of ours said that he was about 518 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,800 Speaker 1: to disconnect from the game because he was requested by 519 00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:12,719 Speaker 1: his girlfriend that they wanted to stay with him and 520 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,720 Speaker 1: watch Somebody together. I tried this, but it feels to 521 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,439 Speaker 1: me like I'm always missing something. I don't have that 522 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:23,840 Speaker 1: deep connection. I'm alone and I feel alone. Then when 523 00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:26,359 Speaker 1: we have arguments, I have no love bank filled to 524 00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:28,720 Speaker 1: be able to face that. You know, sort of like, Okay, 525 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:30,720 Speaker 1: you're mean to me, but three hours ago you're kissing me, 526 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,960 Speaker 1: telling you I'll love you. I only have negative feelings. Also, 527 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,199 Speaker 1: this way of being it's not me. I want to 528 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:39,600 Speaker 1: feel wanted. I want to be cuddled. I need love. 529 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:42,680 Speaker 1: If I'm feeling bad, I want someone being able to 530 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 1: hug me and tell me, sweetheart, don't worry, everything is 531 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,080 Speaker 1: going to be all right. She never does this, instead 532 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:51,160 Speaker 1: says things like level up, life is hard. 533 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:54,880 Speaker 2: Oh my god. No, he's just a loved boy. She's 534 00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:56,840 Speaker 2: just like I just want to hug and she's like, 535 00:28:57,680 --> 00:28:58,520 Speaker 2: get over it. 536 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:04,480 Speaker 1: Where's that grind? Been? So up? Soldier laf right, lap right, 537 00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:07,840 Speaker 1: lamp and walk yourself out of the door. I know 538 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,080 Speaker 1: that it's her traumas, and I don't leave any resentment 539 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:13,840 Speaker 1: towards her. I just can't keep up with this. Also, 540 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:17,600 Speaker 1: I love to give. Stopping from doing so is devastating. 541 00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,680 Speaker 1: I also have other issues, like she almost never initiates 542 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:24,360 Speaker 1: any discussion, doesn't allocate time for me. It's always me 543 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:26,960 Speaker 1: chasing her and I have enough of it. Spicy sleep 544 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:30,240 Speaker 1: can't be our only way of connection. She's always with me, 545 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:32,920 Speaker 1: but her mind is somewhere else. I tried to enter 546 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:36,160 Speaker 1: in her mind, but no luck. In sixteen years, it's 547 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:38,720 Speaker 1: been a full year that I'm talking about this issue 548 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:41,240 Speaker 1: with my wife, and she frequently denied it by saying 549 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:43,240 Speaker 1: like it's not true. Tomorrow will show you. This is 550 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:45,720 Speaker 1: very morning I gave you a kids. I'm affectionate. See 551 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,520 Speaker 1: other couples, they don't engage anymore after all these years. 552 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:51,240 Speaker 1: Blah blah blah. How do you feel after one full 553 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:54,479 Speaker 1: year of sweet attempts to talk about an issue, and 554 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,120 Speaker 1: frequently she would say that her lack of affection is 555 00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:59,640 Speaker 1: due to me doing X y Z. I had to 556 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:03,600 Speaker 1: create spreadsheet to have evidence of an issue, and the 557 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:06,040 Speaker 1: evidence shows that the affection I receive. It's only when 558 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:07,800 Speaker 1: I have a fight with her where I can plain 559 00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:10,960 Speaker 1: the day before, one day of change followed by weeks 560 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:14,240 Speaker 1: of nothing. It bothered her and she was angry. For sure, 561 00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:16,719 Speaker 1: I get the frustration of seeing something like that, but 562 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:19,640 Speaker 1: does she get my one year frustration? And I'm not 563 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,800 Speaker 1: threatening to divorce of her spreadsheet. I'm threatening over one 564 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:25,280 Speaker 1: year of trying to talk and solve this issue. I 565 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:27,800 Speaker 1: could have said I'm done by one year ago. I 566 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:31,000 Speaker 1: rather fought with everything that came to my mind. Yeah, 567 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,120 Speaker 1: so I created a spreadsheet after months and months of 568 00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:36,360 Speaker 1: no affection. So you could create a spreadsheet with zero 569 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,200 Speaker 1: and every cell for ninety days, you don't know what 570 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:42,000 Speaker 1: you're talking about and surely you don't know what feels 571 00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:44,360 Speaker 1: like to receive no affection in a marriage for so long. 572 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,600 Speaker 1: Do I have personal issues in traumas, yes, sir, and 573 00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:50,160 Speaker 1: I'm going to address them. Does my wife have issues 574 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:52,440 Speaker 1: in trauma? Yes, sir, But is she going to do 575 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:55,040 Speaker 1: something about it? No? At least this will be the 576 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:58,400 Speaker 1: most probable scenario. So hence the divorce so she can 577 00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,040 Speaker 1: provide her carelessness to whoever she wants to. 578 00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:08,760 Speaker 2: Man. Yeah, I think the divorce is the way to go. 579 00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:13,240 Speaker 2: It's not working anymore for Ope, and yeah, it's hard 580 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:14,640 Speaker 2: to pay those conditions to. 581 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:18,440 Speaker 1: Maybe this will be the move they both need to 582 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:24,880 Speaker 1: change to change. Hopefully, Lalla says she sounds depressed. Dutch's 583 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,680 Speaker 1: Cassanda says, all this story is way too triggering for me. Sorry, duchess. 584 00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:31,520 Speaker 1: Hopefully it gets better. Yeah. Kel Kay says it's sad 585 00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:33,720 Speaker 1: because her marriage is ninety percent better than her home 586 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:36,000 Speaker 1: life marriage. That's why she doesn't see it the way 587 00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:36,440 Speaker 1: he does. 588 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:38,240 Speaker 2: I mean that's what he was saying. He was saying 589 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:41,160 Speaker 2: about his kid. He doesn't want his kid to look 590 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:43,719 Speaker 2: at this and think that this is how relationships should be. 591 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:47,280 Speaker 2: And this is kind of that was that is the 592 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,920 Speaker 2: case for her. I mean, she saw the relationship of 593 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:53,000 Speaker 2: her parents and now she's kind of bringing maybe a 594 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:55,720 Speaker 2: less extreme but still not great version of that. 595 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,960 Speaker 1: Top. Yeah, I feel like he just I feel like, 596 00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:02,240 Speaker 1: for his own good, he has the letter go, which 597 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:05,800 Speaker 1: is what Susan s said, Please let her go. So 598 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,960 Speaker 1: we got a new update and welcome to the depressing stream. 599 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:13,800 Speaker 1: By the way, not much light in this in this 600 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:20,880 Speaker 1: uh in this stream except the proposal that makes it 601 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:28,080 Speaker 1: all better, all good, oh so good. Oh Joy's on 602 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:33,240 Speaker 1: tap any moment we want so. Update three