WEBVTT - Keeping the Sparks Alive w/ Rodney Norris 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.360 So I have a little experience with this because when 0:00:02.360 --> 0:00:04.160 we first met, you had a dog in the bed, 0:00:04.440 --> 0:00:07.680 but that was Busy. Busy is a chihuahua, and he 0:00:07.840 --> 0:00:10.000 only got in the bed. He only got in the 0:00:10.039 --> 0:00:11.960 bed first thing in the morning. He didn't sleep in 0:00:11.960 --> 0:00:14.200 the bed with me. It doesn't matter. He was in 0:00:14.240 --> 0:00:19.279 the bed and he wouldn't even let the dog in 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:23.160 the bedroom. Guys, like he had the dog had to 0:00:23.200 --> 0:00:35.919 sleep in the kitchen. Now, what's up, everybody. I'm Gammy 0:00:36.000 --> 0:00:40.800 and I'm her husband Rodney, and this is positively damn 0:00:41.880 --> 0:00:46.720 look at this now. Okay, So guys, I have a 0:00:46.880 --> 0:00:52.400 new sometimes cohost my popular demand. I don't know if 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:55.240 my feelings should be heard or what, but I wasn't enough. 0:00:55.280 --> 0:00:59.640 They actually wanted Rodney. That's right, you know how it is. 0:01:00.520 --> 0:01:04.800 How do you feel about that, babe? For you just 0:01:04.959 --> 0:01:07.160 I mean another thing we get to do together. So 0:01:07.280 --> 0:01:09.600 that always makes me feel good. You know. I'm happy 0:01:09.680 --> 0:01:12.679 that I have this opportunity to work with you and 0:01:12.880 --> 0:01:15.240 that the people thought enough of me to ask for 0:01:15.280 --> 0:01:18.800 me to come back so here I am. Yeah, I'm excited. 0:01:18.840 --> 0:01:21.880 We're gonna give this a shot and see how it goes. Now, 0:01:22.000 --> 0:01:24.320 just to let you know, guys, he's not gonna be 0:01:24.440 --> 0:01:28.440 here all the time, but we're glad to have him 0:01:28.480 --> 0:01:32.040 when he is. This first segment, we're gonna be talking 0:01:32.040 --> 0:01:35.480 about keeping the spark alive in a marriage, and we 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:38.679 know a little bit about that. You have to do 0:01:38.720 --> 0:01:43.480 a disclaimer. We're not professionals, and we don't and we've 0:01:43.480 --> 0:01:47.600 only been buried for five years. It sounds like we've 0:01:47.600 --> 0:01:52.040 been we've got the couple, but we've got the two 0:01:52.040 --> 0:01:55.760 point five twice, so we're good. Yeah, we're good. So 0:01:56.040 --> 0:01:59.440 New York University delivered to those of reality saying, the 0:01:59.560 --> 0:02:03.640 honey phase wears off after thirty months, which is like 0:02:03.720 --> 0:02:07.240 two and a half years, and initially high level of 0:02:07.400 --> 0:02:12.520 marital satisfaction steadily decreased after that period of time for 0:02:12.639 --> 0:02:17.760 most couples, according to this study. So what are you 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:20.720 feeling about that? I can see how that can happen. 0:02:21.280 --> 0:02:24.600 I think typically people get into marriage for for a 0:02:24.639 --> 0:02:30.800 lot of the wrong reasons. And if you like anything, 0:02:30.840 --> 0:02:33.399 if you go into something for the wrong reason, at 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:38.480 some point, it's gonna be like oops, exactly, it's gonna 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:40.720 you know, the newness is gonna wear off, and then 0:02:40.760 --> 0:02:43.240 you're left with who you came into this thing with 0:02:43.360 --> 0:02:46.239 and if you haven't done any what we call work, 0:02:47.000 --> 0:02:50.280 then it's going to be obvious. Well, let me ask 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:55.520 you this, Rodney, because for me, like you were my 0:02:55.720 --> 0:03:02.160 fourth husband, um, and I remember people asking me why 0:03:02.480 --> 0:03:06.520 I even wanted to get married again because we obviously 0:03:06.560 --> 0:03:10.960 are past the age of you know, procreation, so we 0:03:10.960 --> 0:03:13.600 weren't getting married because we wouldn't have kids and build 0:03:13.600 --> 0:03:17.200 a family. That part of our lives was over, and 0:03:17.320 --> 0:03:21.440 people didn't even really understand, well, what is the need 0:03:21.639 --> 0:03:27.040 to get married why? And for me, um, you know, 0:03:27.240 --> 0:03:30.600 I like being married. I enjoy being married. I enjoyed 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:37.040 the partnership and the camaraderie, the companionship that's afforded with marriage. 0:03:37.120 --> 0:03:39.960 And for you, you had never been married before, So 0:03:40.080 --> 0:03:43.000 what was the reason for you most of the reasons 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:46.000 that you just mentioned, I like that too, and the 0:03:46.040 --> 0:03:50.840 opportunity to build on that beyond just a relationship, but 0:03:50.960 --> 0:03:55.240 a partnership in a marriage was was you know, enticing 0:03:55.280 --> 0:04:00.320 to me? It was interesting to me, and I think 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:02.880 all of those reasons, but you're still the same person. 0:04:03.640 --> 0:04:08.160 So after a certain amount of time, the newness wears 0:04:08.200 --> 0:04:11.360 off and then all the problems that you had in 0:04:11.400 --> 0:04:14.440 the relationship are the problems you have in the marriage 0:04:15.080 --> 0:04:20.080 unless unless you do some soul searching and some what 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:22.320 about what's the world? I'm like, well, just do some 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:29.320 self self evaluation and you know, kind of take responsibility 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:33.080 for wanting to make things better. But and a lot 0:04:33.120 --> 0:04:35.640 of people do that beforehand, to a lot of people 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:40.520 will have marriage counseling and and do some work before marriage. 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:42.640 Because this, this is the thing for me. I think 0:04:42.680 --> 0:04:48.520 people don't realize there's such a like this fairy tale 0:04:49.839 --> 0:04:54.559 idea about what marriage is all about, you know, and 0:04:54.880 --> 0:04:59.599 it's people get all excited about, particularly women, particularly women 0:05:00.279 --> 0:05:05.400 very excited and thrilled about the wedding. And I have 0:05:05.520 --> 0:05:09.400 to tell you, I love weddings. I love weddings, so 0:05:10.480 --> 0:05:13.160 we get real caught up in that. But at the 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:16.800 end of the day, even you know, I mean, even 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:20.599 this being your fourth marriage, you were still pretty excited 0:05:20.640 --> 0:05:22.599 about the wedding. And I was like, just tell me 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:25.880 where it is and I'll show up. But you were, 0:05:26.040 --> 0:05:28.680 you know, you were, you were very excited about it. 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:31.720 I love a good wedding. I love and the fact 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:35.000 that it rained to rental rain on our wedding day. 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:40.240 I was devastating. I cried all morning. But anyway, but anyway, 0:05:40.279 --> 0:05:43.640 back to your original I forgot what I'm saying now. Well, 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:45.760 you were saying, people get caught up in the whole 0:05:46.200 --> 0:05:49.799 mystique of but it really is not about the wedding. 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:53.760 It's about the marriage. So you really have to, you know, 0:05:54.279 --> 0:05:58.600 be sure that that's what you want, and be well, 0:05:58.680 --> 0:06:02.159 I guess you can't, can't, will really be sure, but 0:06:02.320 --> 0:06:07.080 be careful, be thoughtful, be conscious of the decision that 0:06:07.200 --> 0:06:13.360 you're making, because it is supposed to be a lifelong commitment, 0:06:13.960 --> 0:06:18.680 and that's a long time. It's an awfully long time 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:22.560 for people that are talking about getting married at one 0:06:22.880 --> 0:06:26.920 and like you got your whole life ahead of you early, 0:06:27.040 --> 0:06:31.920 I think it's way too early. So I don't know, 0:06:32.040 --> 0:06:37.200 but how to keep the spark alive? I think for 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:40.200 for us to like, you know, when you get to 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:43.920 be our age, it's a big difference. It's a big difference. 0:06:44.279 --> 0:06:48.120 Like we're not swinging from the chandeliers having sex, guys. 0:06:48.200 --> 0:06:51.680 I mean, you know, we're swinging from table lamps now 0:06:54.520 --> 0:07:01.279 floor lamps. But it's there's it's so much more than 0:07:01.360 --> 0:07:05.560 just sex and That's what people have to recognize, you know, 0:07:05.640 --> 0:07:08.480 because after a while the sex may get a little 0:07:08.520 --> 0:07:13.000 old and you get old. If you stay together, and 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:16.040 it's not gonna be just your pretty little face and 0:07:16.080 --> 0:07:20.840 you're a pretty little figure and his handsome physique. You 0:07:20.920 --> 0:07:24.360 have to have more than that in a relationship if 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:28.200 it's really gonna last. How about you have to really 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:33.920 like the person that you're marrying. It's not just about, Oh, 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:38.200 I love him so much. Do you like his ass? Yeah? 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:42.160 I agree. I think that's what helps our relationship or 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:45.080 our marriage works so well, is that we actually like 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:49.120 each other a lot, like and we enjoy being together. 0:07:49.600 --> 0:07:52.360 You're my best friend, and I used to be yours 0:07:52.400 --> 0:07:56.440 before you added all these other skating people into seven 0:07:56.480 --> 0:08:02.200 people in your life, but used my best friend. You're 0:08:02.280 --> 0:08:04.720 still my best friend, but it would be better if 0:08:04.760 --> 0:08:07.640 you would come stepping with me. But that's what helps 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:10.840 our relationship work, is that we enjoy doing everything together. 0:08:11.760 --> 0:08:13.640 And you know, it wasn't always that way for me. 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:15.560 When I was younger. I wanted to be with my boys, 0:08:15.760 --> 0:08:18.320 you know, like I would be with you know in 0:08:18.360 --> 0:08:20.200 a relationship, and I go to the movie and go 0:08:20.240 --> 0:08:23.920 to dinner, but I really enjoyed having a lot of 0:08:24.000 --> 0:08:27.640 spending a lot of time with the guys, and as 0:08:27.640 --> 0:08:30.440 I got older, that kind of, you know, it kind 0:08:30.440 --> 0:08:34.280 of changed and and now I don't really need that 0:08:34.920 --> 0:08:38.480 as much. I just needed somebody to share my life 0:08:38.480 --> 0:08:41.240 with and have them share theirs with me. So I 0:08:41.280 --> 0:08:44.640 think that's why our relationship and our marriage works so well, 0:08:45.200 --> 0:08:47.680 because you came into it kind of the same way. 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:52.840 I think one of the ways to stay connected is 0:08:52.960 --> 0:09:00.280 to have like hobbies that and things that you enjoy together. 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:05.040 Right now, the major thing that we love, I didn't 0:09:05.040 --> 0:09:07.600 think anybody would love it more than me. I'm a 0:09:07.600 --> 0:09:10.240 movie fan. I always want to go to the movies. 0:09:11.120 --> 0:09:14.280 Rodney enjoys that more than I do. I didn't think 0:09:14.280 --> 0:09:16.320 that that would ever happen. Like, if we're not going 0:09:16.360 --> 0:09:20.440 to the movies every single week, that's a problem. But 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:26.520 other than that, I feel like it's we don't really 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:30.880 have like a hobby that we do together, like something 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:34.760 that we're passionate about, Like I'm very passionate about stepping 0:09:34.880 --> 0:09:39.160 now roller skating, I'm kind of obsessed with that. And 0:09:39.200 --> 0:09:42.080 we did say that we were going to think about 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:46.240 starting to try to learn golfing, But how important do 0:09:46.280 --> 0:09:48.840 you actually think that is. I agree with you, I 0:09:48.840 --> 0:09:51.560 think it's important. I think we bonded on a lot 0:09:51.600 --> 0:09:58.480 of other areas, so I kinda didn't didn't fall in 0:09:58.520 --> 0:10:01.600 love with stepping. I roller skated when I was younger, 0:10:01.760 --> 0:10:04.560 So that I mean, I'll go, but I'm not as 0:10:05.559 --> 0:10:07.760 pumped up about it or as passionate about it as 0:10:07.800 --> 0:10:10.360 you are. You want to go every twice a week, 0:10:11.320 --> 0:10:14.520 like I can't rollerskape twice a week like I'll go, 0:10:14.880 --> 0:10:19.400 you know, every other Thursday or something. But so you 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:23.040 just have a lot more energy than me to very 0:10:23.160 --> 0:10:26.080 energetic for my be quite honest, and I hate to 0:10:26.120 --> 0:10:29.800 say this, but you have a lot more energy than me, 0:10:30.040 --> 0:10:33.040 and you always want to be going and doing something, 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:37.320 and I'm content just kind of chilling in, you know, 0:10:38.080 --> 0:10:42.240 doing standing kind of our routine. And that can be 0:10:42.280 --> 0:10:45.960 a good or a bad thing. Some routines are good, 0:10:46.000 --> 0:10:49.480 and some routines after a while become a routine, and 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:53.719 it can be detrimental to the to the relationship of 0:10:53.760 --> 0:11:05.760 the marriage. Do you think that there's been any big 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:11.480 change in you since since you've got married or since 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:14.880 you've got married. I know, for me, I've had to 0:11:15.080 --> 0:11:21.000 do some changing over time in this marriage, and not 0:11:21.120 --> 0:11:24.080 that I didn't do it in my other marriages, but 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:27.920 we're gonna focus on this. You know, are married. So 0:11:29.000 --> 0:11:34.360 I definitely felt the need to go back into therapy 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:38.679 and and try to do some personal work on myself 0:11:38.800 --> 0:11:46.079 because there was definitely an issue with how we communicated. Yes, 0:11:46.800 --> 0:11:50.319 and let me just say guys that Mr Nars had 0:11:50.320 --> 0:11:53.559 to get me all the way together, all the way together. 0:11:54.160 --> 0:11:56.240 You want to talk a little bit about that, or 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:01.520 is what I've said enough, well you might want to 0:12:01.559 --> 0:12:03.640 expound on that a little bit. Well, I mean, I 0:12:03.760 --> 0:12:08.480 just felt like at the end of the day, I 0:12:08.520 --> 0:12:12.160 was not really responding to you in a respectful manner, 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:19.679 particularly well only when I was angry, right and upset, 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:24.480 and I can be snappish, and you know cause and 0:12:25.800 --> 0:12:28.120 I don't think I wasn't crazy enough to call you 0:12:28.160 --> 0:12:33.240 out your name, but I was like cussing and just yelling. 0:12:33.600 --> 0:12:38.599 And when I get angry, I get loud. You know, No, 0:12:38.840 --> 0:12:43.320 it's a reason I'm upset. I'm upset. But you know, 0:12:43.440 --> 0:12:46.640 your thing was you have to learn how to be 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:50.959 able to have a discussion Number one without being so 0:12:51.080 --> 0:12:56.480 emotional about everything and getting angry about everything even if 0:12:56.480 --> 0:12:59.800 you don't disagree. You have to learn how to communicate 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:05.000 about everything being such a huge, you know, argument, right, 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:07.640 And you know, I saw for you that that was 0:13:07.640 --> 0:13:10.640 a defense mechanism, that was baggage that you had brought 0:13:10.640 --> 0:13:17.800 into the relationship from previous situations. So it's just a 0:13:17.840 --> 0:13:22.160 matter of identifying it. And I didn't respond in that 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:26.080 way because I'm not a person who argues. But I'm 0:13:26.120 --> 0:13:28.560 also not a person who's going to allow people to 0:13:28.640 --> 0:13:33.320 treat me in a less than respectful way either, And 0:13:33.320 --> 0:13:37.640 and that's kind of the middle ground that we found, Like, Okay, 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:42.600 I understand that this is how you communicate, but that's 0:13:42.640 --> 0:13:44.840 not acceptable to me, and we have to find a 0:13:44.880 --> 0:13:47.360 better way than this. Yeah, I mean, I'm a I'm 0:13:47.360 --> 0:13:52.520 a working progress. It used to happen every single time, 0:13:53.200 --> 0:13:57.120 and then I would walk off, and then later on 0:13:58.120 --> 0:14:01.119 a few hours later, you you would come back and say, 0:14:01.160 --> 0:14:04.520 I mean you always thought about it, and you would 0:14:04.559 --> 0:14:07.120 come back and be like, you know, and we could 0:14:07.160 --> 0:14:10.160 have that conversation that we couldn't have earlier because you 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:12.680 would take the emotion out of it later on. Yeah, 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:15.000 And I mean, it just works better if you can 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:17.720 take the emotion out of things. But you always felt 0:14:17.760 --> 0:14:21.320 like anything I said was an attack. Yeah, and you know, 0:14:21.360 --> 0:14:23.680 I'm like, that's that's not how I meant it, that's 0:14:23.720 --> 0:14:27.320 not what this is. So let's start from that point. 0:14:28.320 --> 0:14:31.080 And I feel like even though I was doing that, 0:14:31.240 --> 0:14:34.840 I feel like I was pretty good with I never 0:14:34.960 --> 0:14:41.120 had a problem apologizing, you know, because I typically it 0:14:41.160 --> 0:14:45.960 doesn't take me long to like, like you tripping, you 0:14:46.000 --> 0:14:47.720 know what I mean. It doesn't take me long to 0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:53.160 realize that that's not necessary, you know, or when I'm wrong, 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:57.320 to admit that I'm wrong. What about you? Which changes 0:14:57.400 --> 0:15:01.400 do you feel like you've you made or you've had 0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:05.440 to make. I think I'm a lot less selfish. Like 0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:08.000 I lived by myself for a very long time, so 0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:13.760 very long, very long time, so I you know, and 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:16.400 and doing that, I had become pretty selfish. I did 0:15:16.400 --> 0:15:18.160 what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. 0:15:18.400 --> 0:15:19.960 And that was one of the reasons I lived by 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:23.880 myself because I enjoyed that freedom to do that. And 0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:29.000 I kind of lived that bachelor life for a long time. So, 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:34.200 you know, even without realizing it, I had some selfishness 0:15:35.040 --> 0:15:39.160 that I had incorporated in my life and the decisions 0:15:39.160 --> 0:15:44.440 that you would make correct and putting myself first, and 0:15:44.480 --> 0:15:50.560 those decisions sometimes hurt other people. I think the growth 0:15:50.600 --> 0:15:53.280 that I've had in this marriage has forced me, not 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:57.840 allowed me, but forced me to not be as selfish 0:15:57.960 --> 0:16:02.040 and make decisions based off because everything is us, so 0:16:02.120 --> 0:16:04.480 it's not just me, So I have to every decision 0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:07.360 I'm making, every thought I have is based on us, 0:16:08.200 --> 0:16:12.240 so I'm always coming from that place and my decision making. 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:15.800 So it changed me in that way. So I'm not 0:16:15.920 --> 0:16:19.360 as selfish because I'm always thinking of everything I do 0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:27.280 is based on us. Okay, So that's that's one of 0:16:27.280 --> 0:16:29.720 the things. And I think, you know, I've become a 0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:34.280 better person, a better father, a better businessman, like everything 0:16:34.360 --> 0:16:38.120 I've you know, because of that unselfishness. I've incorporated that 0:16:38.200 --> 0:16:40.520 into all other areas of my life, and I've I've 0:16:40.560 --> 0:16:42.800 become not only a better husband, but I've become a 0:16:42.840 --> 0:16:47.160 better person as a result of that. Yeah, I would agree. 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:50.120 I think the work that I've done on myself too 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:54.280 is all in trying to make me a better person, 0:16:55.120 --> 0:16:59.440 you know, And we definitely one of the questions that 0:16:59.480 --> 0:17:03.640 we have was do we resolve our disagreements before we 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:06.040 go to bed, and I would say, yes, we do 0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:10.159 not go to bed angry like we've never done, and 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:12.840 we don't walk around not speaking to one another like 0:17:12.880 --> 0:17:17.399 we just we just don't don't like that. We're not 0:17:17.480 --> 0:17:21.080 even gonna go a whole day like we It might 0:17:21.119 --> 0:17:25.959 be a couple of hours, but yeah, we don't because 0:17:25.960 --> 0:17:29.840 everybody needs space, you know, everybody needs space to step 0:17:29.920 --> 0:17:33.280 back and kind of figure out what's happening, what's going 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:37.359 on here. But to just stay angry that does not 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:40.720 feel good. And you know, I'm not We're not trying 0:17:40.720 --> 0:17:42.879 to paint that picture like we have this perfect marriage, 0:17:44.400 --> 0:17:48.119 but we don't like one of the things that and 0:17:48.200 --> 0:17:50.159 you know, just thinking about it when you were saying that, 0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:52.679 is that the other day we were having an issue 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:55.680 and I can't remember what it was, but we were 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:58.320 upset with one another. And then like, and I think 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:04.040 I was upset with you and and it's something that 0:18:04.080 --> 0:18:06.840 maybe I thought I felt like you did. And then 0:18:07.560 --> 0:18:11.040 maybe like an hour later, I came back and apologize 0:18:11.080 --> 0:18:14.120 to you because I just didn't. And I'm like, why 0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:18.720 am I apologizing? You know she did it, but I 0:18:18.880 --> 0:18:23.480 just didn't want to linger in that energy. But it 0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:25.720 was something that I've done in response to something that 0:18:25.800 --> 0:18:28.520 you did, and I came back and apologized to you. 0:18:28.760 --> 0:18:31.880 He's getting the very like confused face right there, because 0:18:31.880 --> 0:18:34.760 I have no idea what he's talking about, not not 0:18:34.840 --> 0:18:39.280 a clue. But I could whatever, I apologize, apologize for 0:18:39.400 --> 0:18:43.080 something that I did. Okay, I know, for something for 0:18:43.280 --> 0:18:45.879 responding in a way to something that you did. But 0:18:46.000 --> 0:18:48.080 that's the kind of stuff we do, is what I'm saying, 0:18:48.119 --> 0:18:52.560 Like we we won't remain mad. We'll typically come back like, look, 0:18:53.280 --> 0:18:56.000 you know, all right, it's been an hour or two. 0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:58.879 Let's talk about whatever that was that we were upset 0:18:58.920 --> 0:19:01.560 about earlier. But I tell you what, I tell you 0:19:01.640 --> 0:19:04.959 one thing that you did the other day. I was 0:19:05.240 --> 0:19:11.960 upset with somebody else. I was upset with another situation. Yeah, 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:16.960 and I took it out on you. And you picked 0:19:17.040 --> 0:19:22.600 up on that immediately. You recognize that it was displaced anger, 0:19:23.880 --> 0:19:27.919 you know, And that is number one being very in 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:33.760 tune to your partner and knowing your partner. Yeah, because 0:19:33.800 --> 0:19:39.840 I didn't even I didn't even recognize it because you 0:19:39.880 --> 0:19:43.479 had asked me what was wrong, and I was like nothing, nothing, 0:19:44.680 --> 0:19:48.120 you know, and then you know something happened. I snapped 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:53.000 at you, and that's the situation. I'm talking back. But 0:19:53.960 --> 0:19:56.840 I also came back and was talking about how I 0:19:56.920 --> 0:19:59.760 snapped back, and you know, I didn't linger in it 0:19:59.800 --> 0:20:02.600 with of both he said, that's the beat, so I ain't, 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:07.760 you know. So it's that kind of thing. It's those 0:20:07.880 --> 0:20:11.520 kind of things that I think, particularly at our age, 0:20:11.560 --> 0:20:16.760 like if we we do, we can't be arguing and 0:20:16.840 --> 0:20:19.520 carrying all. We are not in high school. We got 0:20:19.520 --> 0:20:31.840 no time. There are certain obligations that come with the ring, 0:20:32.680 --> 0:20:35.080 and you know, as a man or a woman, you 0:20:35.160 --> 0:20:37.480 need to, you know, make sure that you're ready to 0:20:38.320 --> 0:20:41.680 take on that responsibility of the obligations because it's not 0:20:41.800 --> 0:20:45.280 just you know, funning games all the time. It's it's 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:48.479 work involved in And if you're not ready to do that, 0:20:48.560 --> 0:20:51.400 then just stay in the relationship and rite it out 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:56.000 like that, um, Because if you're a cheetah before you 0:20:56.080 --> 0:20:59.000 get married, you're gonna be a cheetah in the marriage. 0:20:59.040 --> 0:21:02.160 If you're a liar, you're gonna be lying in all 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:05.080 of that in the marriage. So necessarily, Bay, I so 0:21:05.400 --> 0:21:09.000 disagree with that. I think that if you're willing to 0:21:09.040 --> 0:21:12.600 make the changes you will. But that's my point. You 0:21:12.720 --> 0:21:16.600 need to recognize that this is a responsibility and obligation, 0:21:17.119 --> 0:21:23.280 and you can't you won't be successful bringing those personality 0:21:23.359 --> 0:21:25.960 traits into that. I agree, I agree, but I don't 0:21:26.000 --> 0:21:32.720 agree with if you were a cheater beforehand, because I 0:21:32.760 --> 0:21:35.399 agree to I'm just saying if you were, if you 0:21:35.600 --> 0:21:40.800 don't change those behaviors, then yeah, then you'll you'll bring 0:21:40.840 --> 0:21:43.639 all of that into the marriage and it won't be successful, 0:21:43.760 --> 0:21:47.840 right right, right right. Just being able to sit down 0:21:47.920 --> 0:21:52.480 with with an unbiased person just gives you an opportunity 0:21:52.600 --> 0:21:58.160 to kind of hear yourselves think about, you know, your 0:21:58.280 --> 0:22:02.320 ideas and your own steps of what marriage is really about, 0:22:02.440 --> 0:22:05.320 and to just kind of make sure that you're both 0:22:05.359 --> 0:22:07.920 on the same page, because a lot of times you're 0:22:07.960 --> 0:22:11.000 not talking about you know, you're so caught up and 0:22:11.119 --> 0:22:15.240 being in love, have you really thought about what living 0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:20.400 together and that kind of commitment really means. And you'd 0:22:20.440 --> 0:22:26.199 be surprised how different people think of what marriage is 0:22:26.520 --> 0:22:30.640 and what each of their expectations might be. If I'm 0:22:30.680 --> 0:22:36.000 making sense, like just a different idea of of what 0:22:36.400 --> 0:22:40.200 the responsibilities are and what that commitment means like, how 0:22:40.240 --> 0:22:44.480 many people are actually sitting down and having the conversation 0:22:45.040 --> 0:22:48.880 about monogamy you were just talking about, you know, cheating 0:22:49.640 --> 0:22:55.200 because it's an expectation. There's a marriage. The standard idea 0:22:55.320 --> 0:22:59.040 of marriage is that we're getting married and you and 0:22:59.160 --> 0:23:03.280 I are in a relationship that doesn't include anybody else 0:23:03.800 --> 0:23:09.399 sexually specifically, But you have to have that discussion. You 0:23:09.480 --> 0:23:13.480 have to have that discussion. You can't assume that everybody 0:23:13.520 --> 0:23:17.200 is in agreement with that for just that reason. And 0:23:17.520 --> 0:23:21.560 if it's not something that you both want, it doesn't 0:23:21.560 --> 0:23:24.600 mean you can't get married. It means that you need 0:23:24.680 --> 0:23:29.760 to agree and figure out what that what those boundaries 0:23:29.800 --> 0:23:33.199 are gonna be in your marriage, because guess who's in 0:23:33.240 --> 0:23:39.320 your marriage. The two of you, not everybody else, but 0:23:39.400 --> 0:23:43.320 the two of you have to agree on what marriage 0:23:43.400 --> 0:23:49.879 means to you and be okay with that right any aspect, 0:23:51.080 --> 0:23:53.879 any aspect of the marriage. When it comes to finances, 0:23:54.200 --> 0:23:57.200 people assume that the husband is going to be the breadwinner. 0:23:57.359 --> 0:24:00.280 That's not necessarily going to be the case. And so 0:24:00.440 --> 0:24:02.760 I just think like in this day and age, it's 0:24:02.800 --> 0:24:06.240 so important for you guys to be able to sit 0:24:06.280 --> 0:24:10.600 down and talk about what your marriage means to you 0:24:11.400 --> 0:24:16.040 based on your own standards, not what everybody else thinks 0:24:16.080 --> 0:24:20.480 a marriage should be. Right, there's no cookie cutter. That 0:24:20.560 --> 0:24:23.480 cookie cutter ship doesn't work anymore. It's done. It doesn't 0:24:23.520 --> 0:24:27.439 work for everybody. Yeah, I think it's a reasonable expectation 0:24:27.560 --> 0:24:31.600 that people not I can expect that they're not going 0:24:31.680 --> 0:24:38.800 to be in a polyamorous relationship marriage and that because 0:24:38.840 --> 0:24:42.080 that's because that's been the way it's been four thousands 0:24:42.080 --> 0:24:46.080 of years. Well, without as without a discussion, I'm assumed 0:24:46.080 --> 0:24:49.840 that that's what I'm getting. Unless the person comes to 0:24:49.880 --> 0:24:52.040 me and says, well, you know what assumed me? This 0:24:52.080 --> 0:24:54.080 is what I want to have, it makes an ass 0:24:54.160 --> 0:24:56.159 that you and me and you'll end up in divorce 0:24:56.200 --> 0:25:00.640 s courts. Have the conversation, have the conversation. And it's 0:25:00.680 --> 0:25:05.600 so difficult for people to talk about sex, babe, even couples. 0:25:06.080 --> 0:25:11.199 It is difficult, it is challenging, it's uncomfortable. But it 0:25:11.240 --> 0:25:13.919 doesn't mean that you shouldn't have the conversation. That's all 0:25:13.960 --> 0:25:17.679 I'm saying. You gotta be We talked about that, We 0:25:17.840 --> 0:25:20.720 talked about that before we got married. Is this what 0:25:20.760 --> 0:25:25.280 we really want? Do we want to be in a monogamous, 0:25:25.520 --> 0:25:31.040 committed relationship. We talked about that and we decided, yes 0:25:31.119 --> 0:25:33.399 we did. We didn't want to do that, but we 0:25:33.440 --> 0:25:36.720 had the conversation, and I just don't think people are 0:25:36.760 --> 0:25:41.119 doing it, and it's important. It's important. One of the 0:25:41.119 --> 0:25:47.159 biggest reasons people get divorced money and infidelity. One in 0:25:47.200 --> 0:25:53.560 every two marriages ends in divorce. So I know already 0:25:53.600 --> 0:25:57.880 against you to begin with that. That means if there's 0:25:57.880 --> 0:26:00.280 two people in the room, that two couples in the room, 0:26:00.280 --> 0:26:02.639 one of them ain't gonna make it. Maker making that 0:26:02.680 --> 0:26:05.320 almost sounds like when I was in recovery. When I 0:26:05.400 --> 0:26:07.840 left recovery, they were like when I love the treatment, 0:26:07.880 --> 0:26:11.440 stead of like some of you just ain't gonna make it. Yeah, 0:26:11.480 --> 0:26:14.200 they were right at that time. I didn't make it. 0:26:14.320 --> 0:26:18.919 But anyway, moving along this ah another subject, Yes it is. 0:26:27.680 --> 0:26:33.840 We have some questions from some of our listeners. Who 0:26:33.960 --> 0:26:39.720 is your favorite TV married couple. My favorite TV married 0:26:39.800 --> 0:26:45.960 couple is Carrie and Doug hefron In from King of Queen. 0:26:46.119 --> 0:26:51.040 Oh my goodness, Okay, all right, they are hilarious and 0:26:51.080 --> 0:26:55.560 they are just regular people living regular lives, working regular 0:26:55.640 --> 0:26:59.400 jobs and trying to figure it out as they go. Okay, 0:26:59.760 --> 0:27:02.560 I'm it's real. So for me, I mean it's it's 0:27:02.560 --> 0:27:05.720 a comedy, so of course it's funny, but it's also 0:27:05.880 --> 0:27:10.159