Speaker 1: I am a yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: I want you to know that I love loved Aretha Franklin. Yep,
Speaker 1: I love reread. I don't think there's anything that re
Speaker 1: resang that just didn't work my soul to the core. Now,
Speaker 1: there is one song that she sang in which I
Speaker 1: have a different of opinion with her, and that's this one.
Speaker 1: Let me see if you're gonna sing it with me
Speaker 1: out there. Okay, before the day I met you, life
Speaker 1: was so unkind. But you're the key to my peace
Speaker 1: of mind. Oh wait, hold that right there. You're the
Speaker 1: key to my peace of mind. Now, I have to
Speaker 1: tell you I have some real issue with giving anything
Speaker 1: outside of me power over me. I really do, because
Speaker 1: when we do that, when we give something outside of
Speaker 1: us power over us, dominion over us, to determine our
Speaker 1: moods and our way of being, it's not gonna turn
Speaker 1: our world for us but now the next part of
Speaker 1: the song. In that same song, even though I disagree
Speaker 1: with that part of it, this next part of us
Speaker 1: I think is so very important. When she said, you
Speaker 1: make me feel like a natural woman when you wake
Speaker 1: up in the morning and see your boo and you
Speaker 1: feel like a natural woman. Here's the question I have
Speaker 1: for you, my sister women, how do you define natural women?
Speaker 1: Because if you don't know what a natural woman is,
Speaker 1: it's going to be hard for him to make you
Speaker 1: feel that way. Greeting's beloved and welcome to the R spot.
Speaker 1: Thank you for your patience and what is your relationship
Speaker 1: challenge dilemma issue that we can nibble on together today.
Speaker 2: First of all, thank you so much for taking my call.
Speaker 2: I feel blessed to be able to share with you today.
Speaker 2: The relationship issue that I have is that my husband
Speaker 2: and I have been married for about sixteen years, and
Speaker 2: back in August he told me that he has changed
Speaker 2: the vision of the relationship whereas instead of being monogamous,
Speaker 2: he considers himself a non monogamous man and that quite
Speaker 2: possibly he is looking into an alternative lifestyle in polygraphy.
Speaker 2: Polygraphy because it's one husband, multiple wives, not multiple husbands
Speaker 2: and multiple wives, So I'm over whichever one it is.
Speaker 2: He's looking for multiple wives, Okay, specifically four wives, three children.
Speaker 2: I told him that is something that that's not a
Speaker 2: vision that I had nor intered the relationship end with.
Speaker 2: And he said that this is who he is now.
Speaker 2: He's changed his name, legally changed his name, and he said,
Speaker 2: this is the man he is now. He's changed and
Speaker 2: gone to this transition. And I've told him that's where
Speaker 2: I draw the line. Now, I will give you a
Speaker 2: little background with the relationship. Before we got married, we
Speaker 2: had a lot of back and forth going on, and
Speaker 2: then I finally decided to get married to him.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, what does that mean? Back and forth?
Speaker 2: Back and forth meaning that when I met him, I
Speaker 2: was in a long distance relationship. And then when that
Speaker 2: long distance relationship became no longer long distance meaning the
Speaker 2: boy my boyfriend at the time, then I lived in
Speaker 2: the same state. I ended the relationship with him. He
Speaker 2: was upset and of course hurt, and then he went
Speaker 2: on and then when I and then we ended up
Speaker 2: getting back together after I broke up in that relationship,
Speaker 2: and then it went on, then he did the same
Speaker 2: thing and I was hurt deeply, very deeply, and we
Speaker 2: had some time together and then decided that we would
Speaker 2: get back together. He relocated back to where I was
Speaker 2: at and we decided to get married. Now, I will say,
Speaker 2: through some self reflection and if I trust myself, what
Speaker 2: I've discovered is true. But I do feel as though
Speaker 2: when I married him, I settled.
Speaker 3: He wasn't.
Speaker 2: It wasn't everything that I was looking for and a partner,
Speaker 2: but I was scared and I have body image issues,
Speaker 2: lots of insecurities, and I was scared and had hoped
Speaker 2: that things would be better, so I sacrificed a lot.
Speaker 2: He was not. There was a lot of core values
Speaker 2: that we did not share. Even before the marriage, there
Speaker 2: was domestic abuse and I still decided to move forward
Speaker 2: with it in the marriage. There we went further into
Speaker 2: the marriage, there was more domestic abuse, and that further
Speaker 2: bothered me, of course, and I would struggle with why
Speaker 2: I was there for a very long time. I questioned
Speaker 2: why I stayed in the relationship and felt as though
Speaker 2: I could never really pinpoint the answer. Eight years into
Speaker 2: the relationship, but marriage, I decided I wanted to have
Speaker 2: a child. So when I made that decision. I decided
Speaker 2: to myself, that's no more ambivalency. I'm staying in the relationship.
Speaker 2: I'm staying in the marriages. I want to have a child,
Speaker 2: so we struggled. We had a child. He's eight years old. Now,
Speaker 2: looking back at things through self reflection, I do feel
Speaker 2: as though I settled when I married him, and even
Speaker 2: where I'm at now with him now coming up with
Speaker 2: this new vision of the relationship. I'm afraid to leave
Speaker 2: because my son deeply loved him and has a great
Speaker 2: relationship with him, and I struggle whether I even like
Speaker 2: him that much as a person because there's just been
Speaker 2: so much.
Speaker 1: So what are you asking me I hear this story?
Speaker 1: What is your question? What is your concern? What is
Speaker 1: your challenge?
Speaker 2: My challenge is I just don't know what to do,
Speaker 2: and my challenges I'm scared.
Speaker 1: Okay. Is your challenge that you don't know what to do?
Speaker 1: Or is your challenge that you know what to do
Speaker 1: but you're afraid to do it?
Speaker 2: Yes, that is it?
Speaker 1: What is it? What is the challenge? I need to
Speaker 1: hear you say it so that I'm not putting anything
Speaker 1: in your mind and so that you can put your
Speaker 1: big girl panties on and take care of yourself. I'm
Speaker 1: just here to support you in doing that. So I
Speaker 1: don't want to give it to you. I want to
Speaker 1: make sure that you know it so you can own it,
Speaker 1: because until you own it, you can't make any choices
Speaker 1: or decisions.
Speaker 2: I believe I need to leave, okay, and.
Speaker 1: You believe that, or is that what you desire?
Speaker 2: It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what I desire.
Speaker 2: I desire peace, desire a relationship where I where I
Speaker 2: feel compatible in, But most of all, I do desire
Speaker 2: my son to be safe and healthy.
Speaker 1: Okay, So that's what you desire? Is that what you
Speaker 1: have now?
Speaker 2: Parts of it but not all of it?
Speaker 1: Do you want it all? Or do you want pieces
Speaker 1: and parts?
Speaker 2: I think I deserve to have it all or don't
Speaker 2: just have to have pieces?
Speaker 1: To share with you what I heard you say, because sometimes,
Speaker 1: you know, we think we're alone in our head without
Speaker 1: adult supervision, and we think about things and they frighten us,
Speaker 1: and then we act like we didn't think about that thought.
Speaker 1: I heard you say that you're married for sixteen years,
Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone you settled for because of
Speaker 1: your own insecurities. And body images, that you're in a
Speaker 1: marriage with someone with whom you don't share the same values.
Speaker 1: You're in a relationship with someone whose vision has now changed,
Speaker 1: and as opposed to just being in a monogamous marriage
Speaker 1: with you, they now want additional wives and additional children,
Speaker 1: and that your husband or your partner has changed his
Speaker 1: name and he now has an alternative vision for the relationship.
Speaker 1: I heard you say that your challenge is that you
Speaker 1: are afraid to leave, and even if you leave, you
Speaker 1: don't know how to do it. Now you're saying you
Speaker 1: don't know what to decide, and that what you desire
Speaker 1: for yourself is being in a relationship where you have peace,
Speaker 1: where you feel you're compatible with your partner, and that
Speaker 1: your son is safe and secure, and you have parts
Speaker 1: of that now, but you don't have it all, and
Speaker 1: you don't know if you should settle for less than
Speaker 1: what you desired. Did I get it all?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, Now here's the part that you didn't say. And
Speaker 1: this is just what I'm hearing, and I'm willing to
Speaker 1: be wrong that, because of your own insecurities and because
Speaker 1: of your own probably negative self image, that you settled
Speaker 1: for a relationship where you are abused, where you are
Speaker 1: probably beat down and possibly well you said beat up,
Speaker 1: domestic physical abuse. And now you're not confident enough within
Speaker 1: yourself to make the decision that you need to make,
Speaker 1: decision that you've really already made. But fear is keeping
Speaker 1: you from stepping into that decision. And sometimes when we
Speaker 1: don't know how to do something, we won't allow ourselves
Speaker 1: to know that we know what to do. For me,
Speaker 1: I think you already know what to do what you
Speaker 1: want to do, and it has nothing to do with
Speaker 1: his alternative vision. You're living with a man who abuses
Speaker 1: you and a man you settle for. So you settled
Speaker 1: for abuse. Now that's what I hear. I could be wrong.
Speaker 1: So what is the real question you want to ask me?
Speaker 1: Because it's not I don't know what to decide, you've
Speaker 1: already decided. Let me ask you this question before you
Speaker 1: go there. Take a breath for me, Take a breath,
Speaker 1: let's breathe together. Yeah, has your husband been faithful to
Speaker 1: you in this marriage?
Speaker 2: As far as I know?
Speaker 1: Yes, you think that a man who wakes up one
Speaker 1: day and decides he wants four wives has been faithful?
Speaker 1: Is that what you think?
Speaker 2: I guess it is something to doubt now. I used
Speaker 2: to trust him five hundred percent. I didn't really trust him.
Speaker 2: I trusted God would bring out what was done in
Speaker 2: the dark would become to light to me. Oh. Actually,
Speaker 2: over the past year and a half, I felt my
Speaker 2: trust crumble.
Speaker 1: Why did you feel your trust crumbled?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I just didn't feel the connection.
Speaker 1: If this is a friend, I mean, you've lived sixteen
Speaker 1: years with different values, different work ethic's a different vision
Speaker 1: who you are. What is the problem now? The fact
Speaker 1: that he now wants to tell you that he's going
Speaker 1: to be with other women. It might be helpful to
Speaker 1: you because the way I understand how polygamy works or
Speaker 1: whatever he calls it, whatever it is like the first
Speaker 1: wife gets to choose the otherwise. So you could choose
Speaker 1: a wife that help you with the dish, do the laundry,
Speaker 1: brings some money in might be helpful to you since
Speaker 1: you don't like him, know.
Speaker 2: How, That's why he said, he said to me, you
Speaker 2: think I just want this for sexual reasons. He's like,
Speaker 2: I want this because number one, he feels though he's
Speaker 2: owed to it by God, but also to build his empire.
Speaker 1: I just have to say this. Please forgive me. I
Speaker 1: love how you just say. I thought God would reveal it.
Speaker 1: Where was God when he was whipping your butt? We
Speaker 1: bring God in when we want to use God to
Speaker 1: justify the things that we aren't willing to take responsibility for.
Speaker 1: If God couldn't stop him from beating up on you,
Speaker 1: while would God's to you that he's not may not
Speaker 1: be honoring his commitment to monogamy. And I don't know
Speaker 1: if he did or not. It just seems to me
Speaker 1: what I know about polygamous relationships are men who want
Speaker 1: to visit that as an alternative. And I don't have
Speaker 1: no heed or judgment about it because it's a part
Speaker 1: of who we are as African people. We use God
Speaker 1: to justify, like I said, the things that we won't
Speaker 1: be don't want to be responsible for.
Speaker 2: I agree with that.
Speaker 1: Is the problem that he wants to bring other women
Speaker 1: into the relationship or is the problem that you just
Speaker 1: tied of dealing with his crazy and you don't know
Speaker 1: how to get out of it?
Speaker 2: Then speaking to you, it is reflecting back to me,
Speaker 2: and you're right. I have made the decision. I have
Speaker 2: been mentally been preparing for it, but I have started
Speaker 2: mentally putting in my mind that we are separating. I
Speaker 2: do just have a big concern about my son. I'm
Speaker 2: afraid of.
Speaker 1: Don't bring your son into it. No, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no no. If you and your husband decide to
Speaker 1: separate and the son is going with you, now that's
Speaker 1: something that you all may have to discuss, then he
Speaker 1: still has a responsibility as a father and that's not
Speaker 1: your business. You shift from being his wife to being
Speaker 1: his co parent. But you can't put you staying in
Speaker 1: a relationship or a marriage where you don't have peace,
Speaker 1: where you don't feel compatible, where you're not being provided for.
Speaker 1: You call him your husband, but if he's not providing, protecting,
Speaker 1: performing and pleasing, then he's already fell down on the job.
Speaker 1: That's the husband's job to provide, to protect, to perform
Speaker 1: as a man or a partner, or whatever the parameters
Speaker 1: are that the two of you decide and to please you.
Speaker 1: Your job as a wife is to affirm him, to
Speaker 1: support him, to acknowledge him. That's your job. So you
Speaker 1: calling him a husband was something that you settled for,
Speaker 1: something that you're not in alignment with. I don't understand that.
Speaker 2: Yes, you and I listened to your I listened to
Speaker 2: the R spot and you set each your piece. So
Speaker 2: I have all the I wrote all those PE's down
Speaker 2: for him as a cousin, and I've written all the
Speaker 2: a's down for me as the wife. And one thing
Speaker 2: I didn't get to say was that now he finally
Speaker 2: is a good or a better provider now. Actually our
Speaker 2: roles have shifted. He's always one of his own business
Speaker 2: and didn't want to work, but and I was always
Speaker 2: the corporate America person. Now I'm with my own small
Speaker 2: business and he is working.
Speaker 1: Okay, good.
Speaker 2: That's why this has just knocked me off of my feet,
Speaker 2: because we have we have handled we have worked hard
Speaker 2: on the way we communicate with each other and those
Speaker 2: triggers to bring us to those really high anger spots
Speaker 2: in where they get volatile and violent. We worked on that.
Speaker 2: And he wanted this. He wanted to be a provider
Speaker 2: like this is not me convincing him all these years.
Speaker 2: He woke up and decided he wanted that, and he's
Speaker 2: doing it. So this all knocked me off my feet. Now,
Speaker 2: it's almost not that surprising that he would be have
Speaker 2: desires for other women because we've struggled in our intimate
Speaker 2: relationship for ev like I never sex was never the
Speaker 2: thing that I enjoyed with him.
Speaker 1: And see, to me, that's why have you settled? Why
Speaker 1: are you not content? To me? You walk in both
Speaker 1: sides of the fence. You tell me all the little
Speaker 1: horrible things, and now you tell me all the great things.
Speaker 1: But the question goes back to the beginning. Why did
Speaker 1: you settle for someone you didn't share a vision one,
Speaker 1: but someone that you weren't didn't really feel compatible with?
Speaker 1: What is that about? Because that's what this is about.
Speaker 1: This is about why you're willing to accept less than
Speaker 1: you desire or deserve.
Speaker 2: Why I was afraid that it was going to take
Speaker 2: a long time for me to find another mate. It
Speaker 2: was the only place I had to go.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what is the price that you've paid, beloved, for
Speaker 1: accepting less than you deserve and desire? What is the price?
Speaker 2: Time?
Speaker 1: Time? Time? You know you want to talk about God? God,
Speaker 1: don't wear a watch. You've lost so much time? How
Speaker 1: about I've invested so much time and now that I
Speaker 1: have diminishing returns, I'm ready to divest from this situation.
Speaker 1: You haven't lost anything. The question becomes do you want
Speaker 1: to continue to invest in this relationship and are you
Speaker 1: willing to participate in the world the other investor is
Speaker 1: structuring the deal.
Speaker 2: I am scared just to be out there single.
Speaker 1: Now, baby, you are single. Now you just live with somebody.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this. Bring welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: Are you clear that you are not in a marriage?
Speaker 1: Are you clear about that just because you got a
Speaker 1: license and a piece of paper and the shared you know,
Speaker 1: if he die, you get his social security. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about a marriage, a meeting of the souls and the
Speaker 1: minds for a shared vision. Is that what you're in.
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about marriage because you got a piece
Speaker 1: of paper. Do you and he share a meeting of
Speaker 1: the minds? And when it comes to life, child rearing, intimacy, finances,
Speaker 1: do you'll share a meeting of the mind.
Speaker 2: In some of those ways? When it comes to raising
Speaker 2: our child, we both want the same outcome for our child.
Speaker 2: We want him to be happy in whatever he's doing.
Speaker 2: But as far as his habits, there's a lot of
Speaker 2: difference there. Finances, we're pretty we're more yoked there. He
Speaker 2: wants more abundance, than I do. I'm great where we're
Speaker 2: at right now. There are some other areas where we
Speaker 2: lack spiritually. He doesn't go to church.
Speaker 1: So are y'all and not yoked spiritually? Okay, you're a
Speaker 1: church person.
Speaker 2: I'm not a church person. I have started, but he
Speaker 2: just won't go at all. He was brought up in
Speaker 2: a family of theologians and the Lord and believers and
Speaker 2: all the great faith, Pentecostal, the whole nine, and so
Speaker 2: he believes. But he just has a very elevated he's
Speaker 2: his own state of it.
Speaker 1: You seem to be focusing on what will happen if
Speaker 1: you'll break up. I'm trying to figure out what's going
Speaker 1: to happen if you all stay together. I just don't understand.
Speaker 1: So I want to go back to this because you
Speaker 1: said the challenge is that you don't know what to
Speaker 1: decide about what to do, But that wasn't true. You
Speaker 1: do know you've already decided. Now you may not know
Speaker 1: how to do it. And again, very often when we
Speaker 1: don't know what to do about what we know, we
Speaker 1: act like we don't know it. That's very common, and
Speaker 1: what that does is that diminishes our self value. It
Speaker 1: diminishes our self worth. You say you're afraid to be single.
Speaker 1: I think you're afraid to be powerful, and you rather
Speaker 1: stay disempowered because it's familiar and comfortable. You've given him
Speaker 1: all the power, you know. I love, absolutely, love with
Speaker 1: a passion. Okay, Alfredo sauce, the white sauce oozing with
Speaker 1: cream and cheese and butter, the white sauce that they
Speaker 1: call heart attack on the plate. I love it. I
Speaker 1: could eat it on everything. The only thing I won't
Speaker 1: put Alfredo sauce on is my grits. And when I
Speaker 1: go to the restaurant and I say give me extra sauce,
Speaker 1: they give it to me. Now, anybody with two eyes
Speaker 1: and a brain knows that too much alfredo sauce is
Speaker 1: just no good for you. But if you gonna eat it,
Speaker 1: they not gonna stop you. If I go in, I say, okay,
Speaker 1: give me some more, They give it to me and
Speaker 1: charge me the three fifty or the nine to fifty,
Speaker 1: depending upon which restaurant I'm in. They don't care that
Speaker 1: I'm clogging my arteries and raising my cholesterol. They getting
Speaker 1: what they want, yeap, So he's going to continue to
Speaker 1: give you the alfredo sauce and put it even on
Speaker 1: your grits if you don't stop him. And stopping him
Speaker 1: isn't about him, beloved, Stopping him is about you owning
Speaker 1: and decreeing and declaring and being willing to take a
Speaker 1: stand for who you are and what you desire. Take
Speaker 1: a stand for who you are as a woman. And
Speaker 1: if you don't know who you are, that's your work,
Speaker 1: not his work. He could bring home six wives and
Speaker 1: one of them could have a penis sticking out her ear.
Speaker 1: I really wouldn't care if that ain't what I want. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what do you wantee?
Speaker 2: I want peace and I want good luck. But you
Speaker 2: told me to not think about this, But I am
Speaker 2: concerned about my son handling it at such a young age.
Speaker 1: He'll get over it. He's not gonna lose his father
Speaker 1: unless his father walks out of his life. His relationship
Speaker 1: with his father will have a new normal. But I
Speaker 1: don't want to go there yet, because that's how your
Speaker 1: highly developed deceptive intelligence takes you off track, making you
Speaker 1: focus on your son. How about your internal relationship with
Speaker 1: yourself that has a strong no and a powerful yes.
Speaker 1: How about that one? How about you looking for love
Speaker 1: outside of you? And until you love you, nobody can
Speaker 1: love you. They can make you feel good, they can
Speaker 1: occupy your time and your space. But the first relationship
Speaker 1: you must have, my beloved sister woman, is the relationship
Speaker 1: you have with yourself. And if you're willing to compromise
Speaker 1: yourself and settle yourself and diminish yourself, huh, you ain't
Speaker 1: never gonna find nobody that's gonna love on you the
Speaker 1: way you want to be.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Never. You can't take a stand for yourself in the
Speaker 1: relationship with the person you sleep with. You can't take
Speaker 1: a stand for yourself and that and you've been in
Speaker 1: this marriage sixteen years and you're not satisfied intimately. Have
Speaker 1: you ever told him, look, stop that lower slower a
Speaker 1: little to the left. Have you ever told it that
Speaker 1: you can't take a stand for yourself in the bed?
Speaker 1: How you going to take a stand for yourself in
Speaker 1: the world you have? But you settled for not getting it.
Speaker 1: If you got to get a picture book and teach him,
Speaker 1: see what he doing, do that, Let's see how that feel.
Speaker 1: You know what? This is what I want to say
Speaker 1: to you. Go to the mirror and snap the first person.
Speaker 1: I ain't fooling with. You know more, you know what
Speaker 1: to do, and you should be scared. You should be
Speaker 1: scared to do it because for the first time, you
Speaker 1: may be standing up for yourself. For the first time,
Speaker 1: you may be using the Whitney Houston empowerment formula. You
Speaker 1: know what that is? Oh hell to the No, that's
Speaker 1: the Whitney Houston empowerment formula. You can't take care of
Speaker 1: me and you want four other women. You bumped your head.
Speaker 1: You don't bump your head somewhere, and you mean to
Speaker 1: go somewhere and sit down. You've got many, many, many
Speaker 1: sister women who are just learning who am I? Is?
Speaker 1: This me? Is this what I want? You don't know
Speaker 1: who you are and what your natural womanness is. You
Speaker 1: don't know what that is.
Speaker 2: I think I've crushed it down for so long.
Speaker 1: No, no, you crushed it down so long, settling for
Speaker 1: less than what you desired and deserved. That's how you
Speaker 1: did it. Don't give him all of that power. Don't
Speaker 1: blame him for that. You own that.
Speaker 2: I've realized that I do have a relationship with myself
Speaker 2: that has been damaged, and I have been working on that.
Speaker 2: I've been working on that a lot, because I do
Speaker 2: understand that love for myself, I have to have.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because so many of us as women didn't have
Speaker 1: a demonstration. We looked at women who didn't know themselves
Speaker 1: or women who settled in their lives, and we were
Speaker 1: so busy saying I'm not going to be like that,
Speaker 1: till we never discovered who we were going to be like.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense? And don't diminish the fact, beloved,
Speaker 1: that you've already decided I don't want this and I'm
Speaker 1: afraid not to have it. But you should be. You
Speaker 1: should be so afraid that a little pea is dribbling
Speaker 1: down your legs, because if you don't pee on yourself,
Speaker 1: then your vision isn't big enough. Your vision needs to
Speaker 1: be big enough to scare the pee out of you.
Speaker 1: I am so excited for you. I am so excited
Speaker 1: I did for you because you get to grow up.
Speaker 1: You get to grow yourself up and become a natural woman,
Speaker 1: whatever that is. Oh, I lost my caller. We must
Speaker 1: have blown her circuits. Oh, she blew her circuits. You
Speaker 1: know that happens sometimes when the energy gets real high
Speaker 1: and you're hearing something that you don't think you can handle.
Speaker 1: You just blow the circuit. So I hope she gets
Speaker 1: a chance to call back in, but if not, and
Speaker 1: you hear this show, my beloved sister, I want you
Speaker 1: to know how excited I am for you that you're
Speaker 1: going to have an opportunity to define, redefine, clarify, renew, strengthen,
Speaker 1: rebuild or build your natural womanness. After the break, we'll
Speaker 1: come back with my second caller, who has a similar issue,
Speaker 1: but for a very different reason. Welcome back. I am
Speaker 1: Yan'm learning this is the our spot. Sometimes it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter when you come into the realization. Oh wait a minute,
Speaker 1: I've lost my natural womanness here. I have forgotten the
Speaker 1: truth of who I am. I have forgotten the truth
Speaker 1: of myself. I've lost the knowledge of myself because I've
Speaker 1: been so busy looking out, reaching out, giving out. Doesn't
Speaker 1: matter if you're thirty, forty, fifty, sixty or older. That
Speaker 1: wake up, that moment, that realization is simply a call
Speaker 1: for you to begin within. Go back in, just listen. Greetings, beloved,
Speaker 1: welcome to the our spot, and thank you for your patience. Now,
Speaker 1: what is your relationship issue, challenge dilemma that we're going
Speaker 1: to stir up and chew on today.
Speaker 3: I've been married going on almost two years now. I've
Speaker 3: met my husband off of dating apps, and we were
Speaker 3: married seven months after meetings. I think the issue started
Speaker 3: after we had our first setis win. Something just changed
Speaker 3: with him. I don't know what happened or what may
Speaker 3: have clicked, but he is non appreciative. It has been
Speaker 3: physical altercation. I feel like my husband is like a
Speaker 3: complete narcissist. He doesn't help me with our children when
Speaker 3: he's home because he's always on the road. He drives
Speaker 3: trust for a living. I've written to the Show of
Speaker 3: plenty of time just trying to get help. At this point,
Speaker 3: I'm sitting in my house right now and I'm ready
Speaker 3: to attack my bags and my children up and leave.
Speaker 3: At this point, this is how bad things I've gotten
Speaker 3: for me if.
Speaker 1: He's not there most of the time. Define bad.
Speaker 3: Everything just went downhill. So when I say bad, I
Speaker 3: meaning the way he speaks to me. He's inconsiderate. Again,
Speaker 3: he doesn't help with the kids, the physical for alccasions.
Speaker 3: We have had verbal abuse, mental abuse. Just even now,
Speaker 3: we're back and forth through text message and he's just
Speaker 3: saying outrageous things to the point where I'm just ready
Speaker 3: to go. So it's just I feel like I love
Speaker 3: my husband, but there's no fix in this situation. I
Speaker 3: just cannot see it being fixed at this point.
Speaker 1: So what is the question that you're asking me? What
Speaker 1: is the question you're asking? What is the challenge you're facing?
Speaker 3: The challenge I'm facing is getting up and actually leaving.
Speaker 3: I'm at the point to where should I leave or
Speaker 3: should I stay? For my children's say.
Speaker 1: So, let me ask you a question, belove It. I
Speaker 1: want you to know that I've heard you throughout this marriage.
Speaker 1: There have been physical altercations from him, yep, that you
Speaker 1: have experienced mental abuse of verbal abuse. And your question
Speaker 1: is should you leave? Is that the question?
Speaker 3: Yes, that's a question.
Speaker 1: Ask you a question, belove It, Should you leave?
Speaker 3: I think so?
Speaker 1: Is it that you're asking should you leave? Or are
Speaker 1: you asking how should you leave? I?
Speaker 3: Think how? Because why I didn't stop my life so
Speaker 3: he can live his, stop my dreams and all my
Speaker 3: aspirations that I had, so he can do what he
Speaker 3: wanted to do as far as income. And I had
Speaker 3: started my cleaning business and I gave that up so
Speaker 3: I can stay home with the kids while he just
Speaker 3: out on the road, and now it seems like things
Speaker 3: are even getting worse. I'm literally looking at my closet
Speaker 3: and ready to start packing.
Speaker 2: My things up.
Speaker 1: Do you have a place to go?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I have another place. I'm a victim of sex trafficking,
Speaker 3: and I live in this apartment homes for battered women,
Speaker 3: and I left that place even though I still have
Speaker 3: that place to move in in a home together that
Speaker 3: we purchased together. And at this point, I'm just ready
Speaker 3: to drop it all and just go back to my
Speaker 3: little shack and be content there.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question, why don't you
Speaker 1: want to go? In other words, why do you want
Speaker 1: to stay Vaio Dreams.
Speaker 3: I didn't grow up in the house with both parents.
Speaker 3: I did not have my father there. I wanted to
Speaker 3: give my kids that, So I'm trying to do anything
Speaker 3: I posably can to make it work in my marriage.
Speaker 3: Maybe I should just keep trying for my kids, say
Speaker 3: so they can have that father secure in their life
Speaker 3: and watch two parents in one home together, because that's
Speaker 3: something that I did not have, and that's something that
Speaker 3: I always wanted and I did not get.
Speaker 1: About ten years ago, which would have made me sixty
Speaker 1: about ten years ago, I woke up one day and
Speaker 1: I said, oh my god, I was raised in a
Speaker 1: two parent household, and it was disfunctional as hell, domestic violence, alcoholism.
Speaker 1: I was sexually abused in that household, but the household
Speaker 1: was so crazy and chaotic, so I didn't even recognize
Speaker 1: there were two parents, two adults in the household. So
Speaker 1: this whole thing that we give to two parent household
Speaker 1: when there is physical, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse, for
Speaker 1: us to try to make that work, to give our
Speaker 1: children something that we didn't have, not give them what
Speaker 1: they need, which is safety, security, self sufficiency, how to
Speaker 1: make good choices and deal with the consequences of their choices.
Speaker 1: Not a household where they know they are loved and
Speaker 1: safe and protected. We just want there to be two parents.
Speaker 1: So you want to be in a two parent household
Speaker 1: so your children can see two parents where one is
Speaker 1: physically abusing the other, when one is verbally abusive to
Speaker 1: the other, where one is inconsiderate of the other, where
Speaker 1: one is not present for the children, doesn't participate in
Speaker 1: their maintenance care. You got two kids that are under
Speaker 1: three years old, but you'd rather have that than your
Speaker 1: dignity your respect, your freedom, your right to choose, your
Speaker 1: right to be loved and nurtured and protected. You'd rather
Speaker 1: have just two people? Is that what I'm hearing you say?
Speaker 3: That's worse.
Speaker 1: Yet you need to go get a lobotomy, get your
Speaker 1: brain cleaned out. Oh, I said all the time. I
Speaker 1: will never advocate, ever, will I advocate for the dissolution
Speaker 1: of a family, the end of a marriage. That's not
Speaker 1: what I'm advocating. But I will always advocate the rights
Speaker 1: of every individual, male or female, man or woman to
Speaker 1: be safe and secure and empowered and loved and respected
Speaker 1: and honored in their personage. So what is the question
Speaker 1: that you have to ask me?
Speaker 3: No question.
Speaker 2: At this point, the.
Speaker 1: Question becomes how. And here's another very important question. I
Speaker 1: want you to just think about your body, your back,
Speaker 1: your belly, your breast, your feet, your legs, your toes,
Speaker 1: your fingers, and ask yourself, this, is there any part
Speaker 1: of me that still wants him? Check your toes, check
Speaker 1: your fingernails, check your eyelashes. Is there any part of
Speaker 1: you that still wants him, not wants the marriage, but
Speaker 1: still wants him that man? Is there any part of you?
Speaker 3: I don't think so.
Speaker 1: No, you gotta know. You gotta know, because if it's
Speaker 1: right in between your little toe in the fourth toe,
Speaker 1: if there's any part of you that still wants him,
Speaker 1: you'll be in and out of this thing for years.
Speaker 1: You cannot leave. I don't care if you go, you'll
Speaker 1: come back. As long as there is any part of
Speaker 1: you that wants him as a man, she that part
Speaker 1: of you will not get out of this. You cannot leave.
Speaker 1: Of course, you don't want the situation in the marriage.
Speaker 1: You don't want to be verbally, mentally, physically abused. But
Speaker 1: do you want him? That's the question.
Speaker 3: That's the person I told Yeah, so you do want it?
Speaker 3: Yeah you change?
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, No, you can't. It's not gonna change. It's
Speaker 1: not gonna change.
Speaker 2: Baby.
Speaker 1: You can't bank on that. You cannot bank on it changing.
Speaker 1: Tell me why you're crying.
Speaker 3: That. I'm long now. I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1: The first thing you can do is you're a woman.
Speaker 1: You get to be the queen and the castle if
Speaker 1: you're willing to stay in an abusive situation. And I'm
Speaker 1: laying it out to you like cold water in your
Speaker 1: face because I want you to be clear. I don't
Speaker 1: want you to go and come and go and come.
Speaker 1: That'll give you something else to beat yourself up about.
Speaker 1: And when he gets home, you grab up the kids
Speaker 1: and him and you say, we'll go into the councilor
Speaker 1: you can't sleep here if you don't come to the
Speaker 1: councilor you don't come to the counselor you can't be here.
Speaker 1: You put your hands on me, I'm gonna call the police.
Speaker 1: I'll get a restraining order to keep you away from here.
Speaker 1: But if you want to be married to me, we
Speaker 1: go into counseling today, right now. That's one thing you
Speaker 1: could do. Another thing you can do is if there
Speaker 1: is evidence of physical abuse, and I could be wrong,
Speaker 1: please forgive me. I could be wrong. But you don't
Speaker 1: sound like no punk to me. And you say that
Speaker 1: there's physical altercations. I don't think you just stand there
Speaker 1: and let it whip up on you. I think you'd
Speaker 1: be whipping up on him too. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 1: This is what your children are seeing, Okay, two parents
Speaker 1: in the household whipping up on each other. But if
Speaker 1: that's where you are right now, I'd rather that you
Speaker 1: walk through the process to get your healing and to
Speaker 1: get your strength and to stand in your womanness in
Speaker 1: a way that's gonna honor you, because if you leave
Speaker 1: and go back to that place, you'll be thinking home
Speaker 1: with got I got a better refrigerator over there, and
Speaker 1: I got my TVs over there. I don't want to
Speaker 1: stay here because he's gonna come begging, he's gonna come promising,
Speaker 1: and you'll go back and then three years from now,
Speaker 1: five years from now, you'll be beating yourself up. So
Speaker 1: let's not do that. Because as long as there's any
Speaker 1: place within you that wants him, you cannot leave. You
Speaker 1: will not. You'll go for a little while. What are
Speaker 1: you willing to do?
Speaker 3: I'm willing to try the counsel in and put my
Speaker 3: foot down in just saying he's not willing to do that,
Speaker 3: then maybe I should just.
Speaker 1: You don't have to leave. It's called the order of protection.
Speaker 1: If you have evidence that there's been physical abuse, of
Speaker 1: physical violence, you take your babies, you march right down
Speaker 1: to the courthouse. You get an order of protection. He
Speaker 1: can't come within five hundred yards of you. And I'm
Speaker 1: not saying use that as a way to turn them off.
Speaker 1: I'm saying use that as a way not to disrupt
Speaker 1: your life and your children's life. I'm not advocating that
Speaker 1: you leave, nor am I advocating that you stay in
Speaker 1: a situation where there's violence. I'm not advocating either one
Speaker 1: of them. What I'm saying is based upon what you've
Speaker 1: shared with me. I want to support you in creating
Speaker 1: a plan and a process that serves you. One of
Speaker 1: the things that you want to put on your to
Speaker 1: do lists is to find a way for you as
Speaker 1: a woman to begin to earn your own I don't
Speaker 1: care if it's four hours as a cashier in the
Speaker 1: local drug store where you have one hundred dollars that
Speaker 1: you could stick down in your broad drowe because it's
Speaker 1: a poor rat that only got one hole. Okay, you
Speaker 1: got to have even as if even if you stay,
Speaker 1: you gotta have that. You don't need a man buying
Speaker 1: your sanitary napkins. You know that that is just crazy.
Speaker 1: Tell me what you're going to do different when you
Speaker 1: get off this car.
Speaker 3: The first thing I want to do is praise.
Speaker 1: What's your prayer? What's your prayer? Oh, my godness, what
Speaker 1: is it.
Speaker 3: I'm going to talk to God to give me the
Speaker 3: courage and the strength to actually confront him with these things,
Speaker 3: because that's something I have not done. I know I've
Speaker 3: said it lot to you, but it's something I have
Speaker 3: not done for him. I have not expressed all of
Speaker 3: this to him. I've just bottled it in. So yeah,
Speaker 3: I have never it just expressed that. And I don't
Speaker 3: know why I couldn't tell you. It's not that I'm
Speaker 3: afraid to.
Speaker 1: You didn't know how to?
Speaker 2: I didn't.
Speaker 3: There we go. He took the words right on my mind.
Speaker 1: How to?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: How Now you know that's good? So when you get
Speaker 1: off this call, I want you to go kiss up
Speaker 1: and hug up your babies because they'll make you smile.
Speaker 1: And then you got any chocolate. You got any chocolate
Speaker 1: in the house, Oh, I keep it all right, eat
Speaker 1: you some chocolate. Do you know what to do? Here's
Speaker 1: your instructions. Finish crying, then go hug the babies, then
Speaker 1: go eat chocolate, then go pray in that order. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: all right, my love, take good care, but bye. The
Speaker 1: topic of domestic violence is very tricky because, on one hand,
Speaker 1: I would say, never ever accommodate, tolerate, put yourself in
Speaker 1: a situation where there's violence being perpetrated against you, although
Speaker 1: I did it for nine years, I would say that.
Speaker 1: And on the other hand, I would say it's a
Speaker 1: symptom of something much larger. And if we can get
Speaker 1: to the root of the problem, the cause of the problem,
Speaker 1: chances are the violence can be addressed. And even if
Speaker 1: that healing is, no not doing this, Even if that
Speaker 1: healing is let me save myself, let me save my children.
Speaker 1: Even if that healing is, I'm just not willing to
Speaker 1: put up with it. So start with the question. I
Speaker 1: ask you, who am I? Who am I? Who am
Speaker 1: I in the world? Who am I in my mind?
Speaker 1: Who am I in my heart? Who am I in
Speaker 1: the kitchen? Who am I in the bedroom? In the kitchen,
Speaker 1: I am Emerald Legassi. And in the bedroom I won't
Speaker 1: tell you what her name is, but as a natural woman,
Speaker 1: I got an identity for every place. I am. So
Speaker 1: my sister, I know you know what to do, and
Speaker 1: I know you're afraid, but just know this, there are
Speaker 1: hundreds of thousands of your sister women out here cheering
Speaker 1: you all answer that question, identify yourself and rise. I
Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, And if you
Speaker 1: have a question about this, or any other relationship issue.
Speaker 1: You can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six now be sure to follow
Speaker 1: me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.