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Speaker 1: Pushkin. When I was thinking about who would compose the

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Speaker 1: music for my life story, there was only one person

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Speaker 1: I really considered, the New Zealand singer songwriter, multi instrumentalist,

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Speaker 1: synth pop legend Lady Hawk. Number one because I'm a

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Speaker 1: sucker for a killer hook zue me and that is

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Speaker 1: one hundred percent Lady Hawk's wheelhouse. And number two, she's autistic.

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Speaker 1: I figured if anyone would get the vibe we were

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Speaker 1: going for, it would be her. But Lady Hawk, whose

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Speaker 1: offstage name is Pitt Brown, isn't just a pop star.

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Speaker 1: She's also a parent, a prolific gamer, and now possibly

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Speaker 1: my new best friend. But she can probably tell you

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Speaker 1: all that herself. Hey, I'm Lady Hook, or you can

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Speaker 1: call me Pip from New Zealand. I'm a singer songwriter.

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Speaker 1: I've been making music for very very long time now,

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Speaker 1: and yeah, I'm just residing in Auckland currently Auckland, New Zealand,

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Speaker 1: and handling the pandemic like everyone else. So so do

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Speaker 1: we have ever in like, describe your music for people

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Speaker 1: who haven't heard it? So I guess my sound is

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Speaker 1: like I'm big on nostalgia, So whatever you know that

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Speaker 1: brings to me is what sort of comes out in

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Speaker 1: my music. So like, I try and make a song

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Speaker 1: that makes you feel nostalgic listening to it, even though

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Speaker 1: you mightn't have heard it before. So you know, vintage,

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Speaker 1: since driving beats, like just all that sort of stuff.

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Speaker 1: I just love. I love nostalgic pop. So I guess

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Speaker 1: I'm indie pop, electro, a little bit of rock. Did

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Speaker 1: you listen to a ton of music when you were

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Speaker 1: a kid or did you grow up in a musical household? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I Um, I just loved music from as early as

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Speaker 1: I can remember. And my mum has always been big

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Speaker 1: into music. You know, she played guitar and plays piano,

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Speaker 1: still does sings. Um. She was in bands as well,

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Speaker 1: um church bands, but bands nonetheless, I love I love

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Speaker 1: the caveat there like yeah yeah yeah so so so

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Speaker 1: you were always like music was just like in the

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Speaker 1: ether for you. Yeah yeah. And then my stepdad came

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Speaker 1: along when I was like twelve years old, and he

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Speaker 1: he um brought like drums into the house and like

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Speaker 1: he's a he's an incredible drum drummer and he plays

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Speaker 1: he plays everything. He plays like trumpet, you know, corn it, guitar,

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Speaker 1: bas everything, and he like our whole living was just

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Speaker 1: set up with instruments. And um, I learned drums from

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Speaker 1: like twelve, age twelve up until I left school, so

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Speaker 1: drums were that was my main instrument for a long time.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, I was just surrounded in it, surrounded by music.

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Speaker 1: Describe a little pep from me. What were you like

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Speaker 1: as a kid. I was incredibly shy, painfully shy, clung

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Speaker 1: to my mum, very thoughtful and the day dreamer lost

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Speaker 1: in my head all the time, very sensitive, very very sensitive. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I was just a sort of quiet, sweet, sweet lit landel.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I mean that's one way of describing yourself.

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Speaker 1: And then I became a teenager and it went out

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Speaker 1: of the window. But um, yeah, no, I was. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was a very shy, very quiet kid who you know,

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Speaker 1: always struggled and social situations. What does that sense ativity

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Speaker 1: or what did that sensitivity or that struggle look like

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Speaker 1: when you were young? I think it looked like to

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Speaker 1: other people. I think it looked like I wasn't paying attention,

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Speaker 1: or I was I was weird. Maybe I got called

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Speaker 1: weird a lot. I remember being around seven years old

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Speaker 1: and we got in class with the teacher was like, right,

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Speaker 1: everyone in class, paint a monster. You can do whatever

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Speaker 1: you want. Just painted monster, and I was like, I

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Speaker 1: took it so seriously. I was like, this monster is

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Speaker 1: going to have fifty eyes and sixty legs, and I

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Speaker 1: wanted it to have all these things. And I was

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Speaker 1: painting and painting, and then it was lunchtime and she

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Speaker 1: was like, right, everyone's finished, and I was like, but

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Speaker 1: it's not finished. I haven't done a hundred legs. I'm

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Speaker 1: still painting the monster. Like, so she let me stay

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Speaker 1: for the rest of the day painting the damn monster, like,

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Speaker 1: because I had to do every league and every eye,

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Speaker 1: and so that was me. I feel that, Like I

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Speaker 1: feel that acutely because while I wasn't, I wasn't quite

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Speaker 1: like that, like the particularity or the or the focus

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Speaker 1: on a on a thing, I'm like it has to

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Speaker 1: be right, you know, is very familiar to me. And

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Speaker 1: so so this like sensitivity, like was it at home?

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Speaker 1: Was it just at school? Was it just sort of

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Speaker 1: like in the world, like tell me how your your

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Speaker 1: your sensitivity manifest when you're a kid. So home was

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Speaker 1: like my my like comfort space, you know. So I

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Speaker 1: was just myself like freely, my quirky. You know, I

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Speaker 1: was always a bit of a you know, around my

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Speaker 1: family and stuff. I was a bit of a clown

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Speaker 1: and you know, and then you know, school and the

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Speaker 1: outside world was was a bit harder like, and I

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Speaker 1: was very sensitive, especially sensitive to sound. Like It's funny

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Speaker 1: because I say this to people like and they're like,

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Speaker 1: but you're a musician. I'm like, I know, like I

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Speaker 1: don't find it's a different loudness I'm talking about. I

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Speaker 1: don't find the loudness of music. That's not the sensitive

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Speaker 1: thing for me. It's like I remember being a little

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Speaker 1: kid and walking down the street and a loud motorbike

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Speaker 1: would go past, and I would get this like internal

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Speaker 1: like I would want to combust, like just like I'd

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Speaker 1: want to put my hands over my ears and scream.

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Speaker 1: And I just hated that sounds. To this day, it's

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Speaker 1: a trigger for me, like hearing a loud car or

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Speaker 1: a loud motorbike. It's like it gives me such a fright.

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Speaker 1: So that was a huge that those sorts of sounds

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Speaker 1: for me were like a real big They would scare me.

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Speaker 1: I'd get really scared. And I sort of still have

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Speaker 1: that a little bit, but I don't outwardly show it anymore.

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Speaker 1: What did that look like when you were a kid? Like, like,

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Speaker 1: did it did you make you cry? Like did anyone

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Speaker 1: help you out? Like I would? Yeah? I would just

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Speaker 1: like you know, always cuddle into my mum and like

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Speaker 1: bury my head and her and you know, cry sometimes.

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Speaker 1: And Um, I just think Mum always thought I was

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Speaker 1: just a really sensitive kid, you know, I was like

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Speaker 1: a little kid in the eighties, and it's like no

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Speaker 1: one really thought much beyond that, you know. It's like

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Speaker 1: just I was just sensitive, a little bit arty, you know,

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Speaker 1: just a little bit. Lady, how old are you? Remind

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Speaker 1: me of how old you are? Forty two? I'm forty three, girl.

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Speaker 1: What I was born in nineteen seventy eight, So I'm

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Speaker 1: so I know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: feel like, you know, being a weird little kid. You know,

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Speaker 1: a lot of kids are weird because they get like

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Speaker 1: really into their things, you know, and they haven't yet

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Speaker 1: they're trying to figure out who they are. And so

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Speaker 1: people are I think a little bit more permissive of

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Speaker 1: like weird old little kids. But like you can't be

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Speaker 1: a weirdo in middle school and you can't be a

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Speaker 1: weirdo in high school, and I wonder, like, did you

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Speaker 1: come to perceive your so called weirdness in any different

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Speaker 1: way as you got older. Yeah, I just never understood

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Speaker 1: why I didn't. I could see that I didn't feel

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Speaker 1: like the other kids or like the other girls, at

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Speaker 1: least I didn't see myself and other girls, and I

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Speaker 1: struggled with that, like, you know, I was a little

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Speaker 1: bit different, like in the sense that like I just

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Speaker 1: wasn't girly. And I guess a lot of it's there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of stuff going on here, you know, this

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Speaker 1: is like my sexuality that I wasn't aware of. Then

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Speaker 1: this like you know, possible mental health stuff going on,

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Speaker 1: like just the fact that I'm sensitive all these different

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Speaker 1: things you know going on that I was completely oblivious to.

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Speaker 1: So I think over the years, as I got older,

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Speaker 1: I learned to adapt, and like I was always heavily

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Speaker 1: into music, and by the time I got to like sixteen,

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Speaker 1: I was just fully immersed in music, and I was

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Speaker 1: playing in bands in school, and all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: kids thought my weirdness was cool. So, like I was

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Speaker 1: in a band and I was playing drums, and I

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Speaker 1: was odd I was a little bit cookie, and that's

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Speaker 1: when I realized that doing music was something that people

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Speaker 1: could relate to, and it seemed to draw people to me,

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Speaker 1: and so like that was a way for me to connect.

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Speaker 1: That was like the first time I remember being thinking,

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Speaker 1: I can connect to people now because everyone loves music

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Speaker 1: and I love music and I play it and ye.

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Speaker 1: And that also, unfortunately, around the same time as when

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Speaker 1: I learned that drinking helps my social anxieties. So that's

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Speaker 1: when my teen the teen drinking started. I know, what

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Speaker 1: was it. What was the name of your first band?

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Speaker 1: Do you remember? Oh my god, it's the worst name.

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Speaker 1: We were called gel, like the hair just just I

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Speaker 1: don't even know who thought that, like like g e L. Yeah, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I mean that's not I don't think that's terrible. I

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Speaker 1: remember at the time thinking it was terrible. I was like, shit,

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Speaker 1: this is fair. So music was like your escape, Like

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Speaker 1: music was where you could sort of bury yourself in

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Speaker 1: a good way and like you found relief there. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I always have yeah. Yeah. And then like at what

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Speaker 1: point were you like, huh, I think this is like

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Speaker 1: my path, Like I think this is like or maybe

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Speaker 1: you didn't make that decision. It just was made for

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Speaker 1: you because you're you were having increasing success. I went

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Speaker 1: to so when high school finished, I went to university

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Speaker 1: and studied a Bachelor of Design. So while like at

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Speaker 1: the same time as applying for that, I applied for

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Speaker 1: the School of Music in Wellington and I ended up

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Speaker 1: deciding to go to the school design. While at the

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Speaker 1: design school, I met a couple of other kids exactly

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Speaker 1: the same age as me who wanted to be in

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Speaker 1: a band, and I was like, yeah, I play I

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Speaker 1: play charms, play guitar, Like, you know, let's start a band.

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Speaker 1: So I started a band and we we would just

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Speaker 1: like popping off in my town, you know, like it's

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Speaker 1: going really well. And that's when I was like, I

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Speaker 1: realized because I was I was majoring in photography, I

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Speaker 1: realized everything I was doing in my degree was was

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Speaker 1: music related. So I would every project was photographic bands

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Speaker 1: or going to live gigs, and you know, like all

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Speaker 1: my off campus activities were like music editor for the

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Speaker 1: local magazine, was like doing all this sort of stuff.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, this is actually what I want

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Speaker 1: to be doing, and I'm really glad I'm not studying it,

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Speaker 1: because sometimes studying something can take the joy out of

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Speaker 1: it totally. Yeah. So I ended up like touring with

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Speaker 1: my band. We went to the States and everything, and

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Speaker 1: I ended up missing my graduation because I was in

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Speaker 1: New York playing show. So I think that's like that

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Speaker 1: was kind of the whole awakening for me. I was like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: this is this is all I'm gonna do now. So

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Speaker 1: so you're You've gone to college, but you you're skip

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Speaker 1: your graduation, You're you're in this band. It's successful. Like

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Speaker 1: did you feel then, like You're like, oh, I'm not

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Speaker 1: like I'm not a weirdo, I'm not different, like my

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Speaker 1: my struggles and my socialize it like everything kind of

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Speaker 1: felt better or was that just under the surface for you? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it was like like life just kept moving for me,

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Speaker 1: and like I didn't want to stand still, and I

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Speaker 1: did have crippling anxieties, but I also I couldn't stand

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Speaker 1: to not keep moving, you know, like I needed to

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Speaker 1: keep moving. So I went aware of the music took me.

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Speaker 1: And I would say the fact that I've done music

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Speaker 1: as a career and I've literally had to force myself

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Speaker 1: to be in situations that everything inside of me is going, no,

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Speaker 1: don't get on that plane. Don't sit in that fuselage

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Speaker 1: with three hundred strangers, you know, Like every part of

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Speaker 1: my body was telling me not to do that, yet

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Speaker 1: I had to constantly do it. I just constantly be

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Speaker 1: on airplanes, you know, And so I knew I still

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Speaker 1: had some stuff going on. Like I knew there was

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Speaker 1: some crippling stuff going on, but that's just for me.

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Speaker 1: I was like, I have to keep going, so I

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Speaker 1: have to do whatever it takes to make this easier, which,

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Speaker 1: unfortunately for me, was drinking and taking pills, which was

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Speaker 1: like just self medicating with XANX and alcohol. So that's

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Speaker 1: that's how I was able to just like go on

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Speaker 1: the plane and like play shows and d all this stuff.

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Speaker 1: But I knew I had to do it. I just

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Speaker 1: didn't know how to without the help of these other things. Right. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I think I've always had a lot of ambition, but

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Speaker 1: I always needed more. I was just like this hungry

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Speaker 1: monster that was never satisfied, you know, and I just

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Speaker 1: needed more and more and more, and I wanted to

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Speaker 1: just devour everything and see as much as I could.

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Speaker 1: And the desire for all of that overrode the the

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Speaker 1: inside stuff that was going on and telling me to

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Speaker 1: stay put. So in a way, I'm glad. I know.

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Speaker 1: I'm I'm a bit of a sort like an oxymoron.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm a little bit of both, and I'm

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Speaker 1: I'm opposite, you know, I'm one thing and then another.

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Speaker 1: But it's because I have to have these things done,

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Speaker 1: you know, I can't not see something through. I do it.

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Speaker 1: I have to do it, you know. Yo. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: mean you're you're speaking my language here. I feel as

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Speaker 1: though I'm like an introverted extrovert and yeah, that's what

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Speaker 1: I always died about myself to right right, and that

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Speaker 1: you know, uh it is you know, I mean going

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Speaker 1: through this process like of you know, getting a diagnosis

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Speaker 1: and then and then having to tell people and people

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Speaker 1: being like get out, like shut up, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Um.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like interesting that you in this thirty seconds

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Speaker 1: became an autism expert and you're telling me about my life.

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Speaker 1: But okay, cool. Um. But I wondered, like, did you

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Speaker 1: ever have a clue You're like, because you felt like

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Speaker 1: you were a little bit weird, a little bit different

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Speaker 1: than you found music and it was a relief. But

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Speaker 1: did you sense like something's something there's something else. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: there was that feeling for me. And when I was

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Speaker 1: living in mail Robin, I was struggling a lot with

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Speaker 1: going outside. I was struggling with like getting on public

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Speaker 1: transport to go to my job, which was I worked

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Speaker 1: at a bar, and I was like, it's just it

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Speaker 1: was just so And I remember thinking to myself, this

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Speaker 1: shouldn't be this hard for a person. Other people don't

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Speaker 1: find it that hard to walk out the front door

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Speaker 1: and like get in a train or is it because

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Speaker 1: I was in Melbourne get on a tram and you know,

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Speaker 1: get the number eighty six tram to Collingwood where I worked.

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Speaker 1: But for me, it was like I would I had

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Speaker 1: the cyclical thoughts in my head of everything that could

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Speaker 1: go wrong in the time that I stepped out of

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Speaker 1: the door and hopped onto the tram. So for me,

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Speaker 1: my biggest fear has always been the unpredictability of other people.

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Speaker 1: And I hate getting on like public transport and not

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Speaker 1: knowing what's going to happen because strangers are just like crazy,

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Speaker 1: instantly crazy. To me, I'm like, anyone could do anything

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Speaker 1: at any point, and like, so I hopped on a tram,

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Speaker 1: I really, really mentally worked myself up to it and

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Speaker 1: I got on the tram. I was like sweating and

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Speaker 1: I felt sick. I was like, I'm nautious, I'm nauseous.

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Speaker 1: And I was sitting there and this like junkie couple

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Speaker 1: hopped on the next stop and instantly the check just

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Speaker 1: puked on the ground and I went and that's my

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Speaker 1: worst that's like my worst nightmare. Like you couldn't put

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Speaker 1: me in a worse situation. And I was like I

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Speaker 1: was having a meltdown, and like I had to get

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Speaker 1: off the tram and I called my girlfriend at the time,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, I'm off the tram, Come come

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Speaker 1: get me, help me. Someone a junkie puked, Like that

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Speaker 1: was I'm laughing so much because this is like this

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Speaker 1: is exactly my feeling, Like I feel you on this

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Speaker 1: so hard, because like I do not like that unpredictability

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Speaker 1: of like any kind of erratic behavior is very stressful

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Speaker 1: to me. So like me too, and I'm fearful that

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Speaker 1: the thing is gonna impact me. What's happening. I'm fearful

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Speaker 1: that it's gonna happen on me. Oh yeah, well you

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Speaker 1: don't want to get bathed up. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: get bathed on or pooped on, or like all the

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Speaker 1: things I've seen happen. My social anxiety when I was

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Speaker 1: a kid up and through probably you know, college, was

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Speaker 1: like that. I would throw up in public, and I

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Speaker 1: would make myself so nervous about the idea and I

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Speaker 1: would and because I was anxious about that, I would

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Speaker 1: get a stomach ache, and the stomach ache would say

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Speaker 1: to me, oh, you're gonna throw up in public, so

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Speaker 1: so I would have to like sit out. Like I'd

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Speaker 1: be all ready to go for like Halloween trick or

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Speaker 1: treating and then feel super anxious, feel like I was

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Speaker 1: gonna throw up, and then have to sit it out.

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Speaker 1: And I never puked ever. I never did. You've just

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Speaker 1: described my entire childhood that exact thing. Yeah, was my thing,

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Speaker 1: And I always God would work myself up to the

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Speaker 1: point where I felt nautious, and then I'd be like,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna puke, I'm gonna puke, I'm puke,

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Speaker 1: and I'd be like please please, I'm like I would

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Speaker 1: live a puke and I would always have to get

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Speaker 1: sent home from school as well and be like I

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Speaker 1: can't I can't do this class. I feel sick. I

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00:19:37,556 --> 00:19:40,316
Speaker 1: feel sick. I'm gonna be sick right right. It was

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Speaker 1: just like it was awful and it followed me around

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Speaker 1: for years, that ship. Oh my god, me too, me too.

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Speaker 1: I mean it is it is so debilitating, and you know,

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Speaker 1: it just it feels so bad. It feels so bad

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Speaker 1: to have anxiety like that. That's prevent like irrational, that

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Speaker 1: is preventing you from doing things anyway. So you so

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Speaker 1: you're like on this tram and the drunkie barbs and

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Speaker 1: You're like, I'm done. And so I'm guessing at that

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00:20:12,196 --> 00:20:17,036
Speaker 1: point you were like, this feels air typical. Yeah, it was.

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Speaker 1: For me, it was I didn't know. I didn't have

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Speaker 1: any words to put to it, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: there's something going on, and I knew I needed help,

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Speaker 1: but I didn't didn't seek it out for a while

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Speaker 1: after that, like, I then moved to Sydney and because Nick,

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Speaker 1: who I was making music, lived in Sydney and and

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Speaker 1: just the scene there was where I wanted to be.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to I'd loads of friends up there making music.

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Speaker 1: So me and my girlfriend at the time moved up

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Speaker 1: to Sydney and which was an amazing move for me,

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00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:48,636
Speaker 1: but it also it sort of made me face that

337
00:20:48,836 --> 00:20:52,156
Speaker 1: stuff hit on because I was like, well, now I'm

338
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Speaker 1: living in King's Cross in Sydney, which is like junkie

339
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Speaker 1: capital of Australia, you know, and I was like this

340
00:21:00,996 --> 00:21:02,876
Speaker 1: is you know, I was sort of living behind the

341
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Speaker 1: police station and I heard the things I heard at nighttime.

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Speaker 1: I just I'll tell you, I couldn't. It was awful,

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00:21:11,476 --> 00:21:16,276
Speaker 1: like um and I and the anxiety levels were just terrible,

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Speaker 1: and you know, like my thought patterns and I saw

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00:21:21,196 --> 00:21:23,556
Speaker 1: I remember thinking I need it. I need to talk

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Speaker 1: to somebody about it. And I started seeing a therapist

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Speaker 1: in Sydney, and I remember after seeing her for a bit,

348
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:34,676
Speaker 1: she said, um, I think you have mild Aspergers, so

349
00:21:34,836 --> 00:21:38,516
Speaker 1: so nonchalantly said that, and I was like, what, yeah,

350
00:21:38,556 --> 00:21:43,716
Speaker 1: I think you have mild Aspergers. And I was like right, okay, bye,

351
00:21:43,876 --> 00:21:46,236
Speaker 1: and I left and even went back. And then I

352
00:21:46,396 --> 00:21:51,836
Speaker 1: spent then I spent years with that and and didn't

353
00:21:51,836 --> 00:21:54,076
Speaker 1: know how to process it or what to do with it,

354
00:21:54,716 --> 00:21:59,196
Speaker 1: and like went through this entire journey without ever following

355
00:21:59,196 --> 00:22:02,916
Speaker 1: it up. And then finally like got sober, which was great.

356
00:22:02,916 --> 00:22:06,196
Speaker 1: Did it all on my own congratulations, that's great, thank you.

357
00:22:06,956 --> 00:22:11,716
Speaker 1: So I seven years sober now, yeah. And then started

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Speaker 1: seeing a therapist two years ago who also, um like

359
00:22:15,036 --> 00:22:19,236
Speaker 1: he's amazing, um and he's explained everything about the way

360
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Speaker 1: my brain works and um. And he also diagnosed me

361
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Speaker 1: with OCD, with the obsessive compulsive disorder UM of the

362
00:22:26,036 --> 00:22:29,156
Speaker 1: the not the type where you like have to turn

363
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Speaker 1: a light switch on and off or do that, but

364
00:22:31,316 --> 00:22:34,316
Speaker 1: this the repetitive cyclical thoughts is like that's all wrapped

365
00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:38,036
Speaker 1: up and everything to do with you, so you know,

366
00:22:38,316 --> 00:22:41,796
Speaker 1: and and generalized anxiety disorder and depression of course, just

367
00:22:41,836 --> 00:22:45,356
Speaker 1: to you know, round it all off nicely. Um, I know.

368
00:22:45,476 --> 00:22:48,156
Speaker 1: I mean it's a it's a it's always like a

369
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Speaker 1: super tufer, you know, you know, you know, never it's

370
00:22:51,356 --> 00:22:55,596
Speaker 1: never just one thing. That's like it's like a whole collection.

371
00:22:55,636 --> 00:23:00,796
Speaker 1: It's like a cornucopia. Shit. Yeah, yeah, you know, And

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00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:03,356
Speaker 1: and how to wear through it and so for you,

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Speaker 1: like you you get sober and you you have like

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00:23:07,036 --> 00:23:12,796
Speaker 1: you go see this great therapist. Did it did it

375
00:23:13,236 --> 00:23:15,956
Speaker 1: fuck you up? Learning all this stuff? Did it did

376
00:23:16,036 --> 00:23:19,396
Speaker 1: it make you to provide you with relief? Like? Yeah,

377
00:23:19,556 --> 00:23:22,996
Speaker 1: you know was it was like, ah, finally understand myself

378
00:23:23,116 --> 00:23:25,796
Speaker 1: or was there some period where you're like spinning out

379
00:23:25,836 --> 00:23:30,476
Speaker 1: because it's like so much stuff. I think the point

380
00:23:30,556 --> 00:23:35,316
Speaker 1: I got to where I got help with my current therapist,

381
00:23:35,356 --> 00:23:36,756
Speaker 1: who I've been with for a couple of years now,

382
00:23:37,156 --> 00:23:39,476
Speaker 1: I was at one of the worst points in my life.

383
00:23:39,516 --> 00:23:42,076
Speaker 1: So I think I was at that point where I

384
00:23:42,636 --> 00:23:46,076
Speaker 1: had postnatal depression as well. That's another lovely thing. I

385
00:23:46,156 --> 00:23:50,196
Speaker 1: was diagnosement. So I was at such a point in

386
00:23:50,236 --> 00:23:52,636
Speaker 1: my life that I was desperate to try anything. I

387
00:23:52,676 --> 00:23:55,716
Speaker 1: just wanted to be helped, and I felt terrible, and

388
00:23:55,716 --> 00:24:00,316
Speaker 1: I remember thinking, I don't want to be this person

389
00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:02,796
Speaker 1: for my daughter. I want to do everything in my

390
00:24:02,876 --> 00:24:06,116
Speaker 1: power to make myself the best person I can be,

391
00:24:06,476 --> 00:24:08,436
Speaker 1: not just for myself but for her. So she sees

392
00:24:08,476 --> 00:24:11,196
Speaker 1: me at my best all the time. Well obviously not

393
00:24:11,236 --> 00:24:13,836
Speaker 1: all the time, but you know, like as good as

394
00:24:13,836 --> 00:24:17,316
Speaker 1: I could give her. So um, yeah, I went. I

395
00:24:17,356 --> 00:24:22,756
Speaker 1: sort of went to see him and all the stuff

396
00:24:22,796 --> 00:24:26,596
Speaker 1: he explained to me and the diagnoses, and you know,

397
00:24:26,676 --> 00:24:33,556
Speaker 1: starting medication was a just an absolute relief, like I felt, like,

398
00:24:34,316 --> 00:24:36,876
Speaker 1: you know, I said to him through tears because I

399
00:24:36,916 --> 00:24:40,676
Speaker 1: was crying, as you do in the therapy, I was like,

400
00:24:40,996 --> 00:24:44,116
Speaker 1: I just wish that this had happened to me years ago,

401
00:24:44,356 --> 00:24:47,876
Speaker 1: Like I wish i'd met you years ago, you know.

402
00:24:47,876 --> 00:24:50,916
Speaker 1: And he just listened to me and he knew exactly

403
00:24:50,956 --> 00:24:53,636
Speaker 1: and he explained stuff to me like he was like, oh,

404
00:24:53,676 --> 00:24:56,996
Speaker 1: of course you're feeling like that. That's because this is happening.

405
00:24:56,996 --> 00:25:00,516
Speaker 1: Your brain's making way too much adrenaline. It's sending out

406
00:25:01,356 --> 00:25:05,716
Speaker 1: SOS signals. Every time you see something mildly stressful to you,

407
00:25:05,876 --> 00:25:08,756
Speaker 1: it's sending out adrenaline like something horrific's about to happen.

408
00:25:08,836 --> 00:25:11,836
Speaker 1: He was, so that puts too much adrenaline in your system.

409
00:25:11,836 --> 00:25:17,076
Speaker 1: It makes you exhausted. Your serotonin's depleted, so we need

410
00:25:17,116 --> 00:25:20,596
Speaker 1: to we need to help your brain to get back

411
00:25:20,636 --> 00:25:24,316
Speaker 1: to making serotonin at a normal level. So that he

412
00:25:24,436 --> 00:25:26,356
Speaker 1: explained it in that way, and I was like, no

413
00:25:26,436 --> 00:25:29,996
Speaker 1: once ever said that to me, Like I've never had

414
00:25:30,036 --> 00:25:32,036
Speaker 1: it explained like that, and you know, you talked me

415
00:25:32,076 --> 00:25:33,916
Speaker 1: through the medication is where he was like, you're going

416
00:25:33,956 --> 00:25:36,796
Speaker 1: to feel really bad at first, because it does, like

417
00:25:36,996 --> 00:25:38,516
Speaker 1: you know, but you got to push through it. And

418
00:25:38,516 --> 00:25:41,396
Speaker 1: he was like, message me every single day, you know

419
00:25:41,436 --> 00:25:43,316
Speaker 1: when you when you take. When you take the pill,

420
00:25:43,436 --> 00:25:45,516
Speaker 1: pop your earbuds in and go for a walk, listen

421
00:25:45,516 --> 00:25:48,316
Speaker 1: to a podcast, you know, get into that hid space

422
00:25:48,556 --> 00:25:52,156
Speaker 1: and push through it. And then after you know, hopefully

423
00:25:52,156 --> 00:25:54,516
Speaker 1: after just a week, you should be feeling great and

424
00:25:54,556 --> 00:25:57,956
Speaker 1: you know, having that connection and that sort of like

425
00:25:58,876 --> 00:26:03,516
Speaker 1: just nonchalance, but like very he was just so careful

426
00:26:03,556 --> 00:26:04,916
Speaker 1: with the way he talked to me, and he was

427
00:26:05,036 --> 00:26:07,996
Speaker 1: very like caring and like made it out like nothing

428
00:26:08,076 --> 00:26:10,236
Speaker 1: was a big deal, Like, oh, of course you're worried

429
00:26:10,236 --> 00:26:12,756
Speaker 1: about taking the pill. Of course this you know, like

430
00:26:13,116 --> 00:26:15,876
Speaker 1: I've always been so scared of having an allergic reaction

431
00:26:16,436 --> 00:26:19,836
Speaker 1: that would make me throw up. So it all goes

432
00:26:19,876 --> 00:26:24,276
Speaker 1: back to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So so like you,

433
00:26:24,276 --> 00:26:28,636
Speaker 1: you landed on, you landed on a name or names

434
00:26:28,756 --> 00:26:32,476
Speaker 1: for for how you were feeling and how you were acting,

435
00:26:32,556 --> 00:26:35,676
Speaker 1: and and that was a great relief, amongst other things

436
00:26:35,956 --> 00:26:38,996
Speaker 1: like how did you talk to your friends and family

437
00:26:39,036 --> 00:26:41,156
Speaker 1: about it? Did you? Or were you just like, this

438
00:26:41,196 --> 00:26:43,956
Speaker 1: is my private thing to deal with, and you know,

439
00:26:44,036 --> 00:26:48,396
Speaker 1: I'll just deal with it with the Aspergers thing, like

440
00:26:48,596 --> 00:26:51,276
Speaker 1: when that happened, I yeah, I did tell people, and

441
00:26:51,316 --> 00:26:55,036
Speaker 1: then I faced years of every one's a bit like that,

442
00:26:55,556 --> 00:26:58,036
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, oh no, there's nothing wrong with you. You're

443
00:26:58,276 --> 00:27:00,876
Speaker 1: no like I faced years of that, so I just

444
00:27:00,916 --> 00:27:04,636
Speaker 1: stopped talking about it. Yeah, and then with the OCD

445
00:27:05,596 --> 00:27:08,636
Speaker 1: diagnosis and you know, all the other stuff. I think

446
00:27:08,676 --> 00:27:11,956
Speaker 1: because it has happened in the last two years, discussion

447
00:27:11,996 --> 00:27:16,076
Speaker 1: with mental illness is so much more out in the

448
00:27:16,116 --> 00:27:19,116
Speaker 1: open now, so that when I've told my friends, everyone's

449
00:27:19,276 --> 00:27:22,596
Speaker 1: actually gone, oh that makes a lot of sense. Yeah,

450
00:27:22,636 --> 00:27:24,916
Speaker 1: that does make a lot of sense. Yeah, we understand,

451
00:27:24,956 --> 00:27:27,156
Speaker 1: you know. So I especially with the postnatal depression, I

452
00:27:27,156 --> 00:27:30,516
Speaker 1: think that was that was very obvious to everybody because

453
00:27:30,556 --> 00:27:33,316
Speaker 1: I was not you know, I was not coping very well.

454
00:27:33,356 --> 00:27:36,276
Speaker 1: So I think like having those diagnoses, I just had

455
00:27:36,316 --> 00:27:38,836
Speaker 1: a lot of support from people. And I think the

456
00:27:38,956 --> 00:27:42,036
Speaker 1: ASPERG just one has been was the because it happened

457
00:27:42,076 --> 00:27:47,036
Speaker 1: so long ago, was you know, unfortunately, the timing of

458
00:27:47,076 --> 00:27:50,116
Speaker 1: that just wasn't great, right, This wasn't great for me

459
00:27:50,196 --> 00:27:54,156
Speaker 1: and for people's understanding or acceptance of it. Um. So

460
00:27:54,436 --> 00:27:57,116
Speaker 1: I just I unfortunately just had to bury it and

461
00:27:57,196 --> 00:28:00,956
Speaker 1: move on, Yeah, which is what I did. Yeah, right right, Yeah,

462
00:28:00,996 --> 00:28:04,516
Speaker 1: I mean I you know, I don't know that people's

463
00:28:04,596 --> 00:28:10,116
Speaker 1: understanding is that much better now, I mean, and its

464
00:28:10,116 --> 00:28:12,756
Speaker 1: just like people don't get it, Like people don't have

465
00:28:12,796 --> 00:28:16,636
Speaker 1: a sense of what that means. And people people just

466
00:28:16,676 --> 00:28:19,036
Speaker 1: think like you should be like rain Man or like

467
00:28:19,116 --> 00:28:21,276
Speaker 1: rocking in a corner or something like that, which like

468
00:28:21,316 --> 00:28:24,196
Speaker 1: I'm like, sometimes I am rocking in a corner, so

469
00:28:24,596 --> 00:28:29,196
Speaker 1: shut up. Yeah, but that's been really you know, if

470
00:28:29,236 --> 00:28:32,996
Speaker 1: you tell people, I'm guessing at least women, you say

471
00:28:33,276 --> 00:28:36,356
Speaker 1: I've postnatal depression, people are like, I get it, Like

472
00:28:36,556 --> 00:28:39,756
Speaker 1: I understand, and even with anxiety, I think we know

473
00:28:39,956 --> 00:28:43,276
Speaker 1: enough about that. People are like, I get it. But

474
00:28:43,996 --> 00:28:47,196
Speaker 1: I think if you say autism, people are like the fuck, like,

475
00:28:47,636 --> 00:28:49,556
Speaker 1: what do you mean? What are you talking about? You

476
00:28:49,596 --> 00:28:53,276
Speaker 1: know that's frustrating exactly. Yeah, it is because the way

477
00:28:53,276 --> 00:28:56,476
Speaker 1: it's been portrayed I think in media is just one

478
00:28:56,556 --> 00:29:00,636
Speaker 1: aspect of autism as well. I you know, like I say,

479
00:29:00,676 --> 00:29:05,076
Speaker 1: it's a spectrum rises everything, you know, a sexuality, everything,

480
00:29:05,596 --> 00:29:08,636
Speaker 1: But the way the media has always portrayed it in

481
00:29:08,676 --> 00:29:11,476
Speaker 1: films as the way I think people think that's what

482
00:29:11,516 --> 00:29:13,916
Speaker 1: it is. So like when you say, oh, I've got

483
00:29:13,956 --> 00:29:17,116
Speaker 1: a spurges or what's oh, it's a no, it's on

484
00:29:17,156 --> 00:29:21,556
Speaker 1: the autism spectrum. They're like, oh, you're not right, right right, yeah,

485
00:29:21,636 --> 00:29:25,076
Speaker 1: and then there's no real response that you can give

486
00:29:25,156 --> 00:29:28,316
Speaker 1: that feel satisfying. You're just like yeah, I'm always like

487
00:29:28,356 --> 00:29:32,236
Speaker 1: all right, yeah, whatever. I guess you're an expert. Cool. Yeah, yeah.

488
00:29:32,636 --> 00:29:37,836
Speaker 1: Is there like now that you've sort of processed all

489
00:29:37,876 --> 00:29:41,116
Speaker 1: of these things in a you know, in a healthier,

490
00:29:41,516 --> 00:29:44,156
Speaker 1: safer a way, Like, have you come to a different

491
00:29:44,236 --> 00:29:48,676
Speaker 1: understanding of the way that all of these traits operate

492
00:29:48,796 --> 00:29:51,076
Speaker 1: in your life? Like have you made peace with it

493
00:29:51,396 --> 00:29:55,476
Speaker 1: or with this collection of of diagnoses or traits or

494
00:29:55,476 --> 00:29:58,996
Speaker 1: whatever where you just like you feel like, okay, that's me,

495
00:29:59,156 --> 00:30:02,196
Speaker 1: Like that's cool. Yeah, yeah, I have. And I think

496
00:30:02,196 --> 00:30:04,316
Speaker 1: I've come to a point where I'm really proud of myself.

497
00:30:04,356 --> 00:30:07,756
Speaker 1: Like I'm proud of who I am and and the

498
00:30:07,796 --> 00:30:10,076
Speaker 1: sort of person it makes me. And I I'm proud

499
00:30:10,116 --> 00:30:12,356
Speaker 1: that I got to the point in my life where

500
00:30:12,356 --> 00:30:16,356
Speaker 1: I could do some positive things for my mental health

501
00:30:16,436 --> 00:30:19,316
Speaker 1: and be you know, surround myself with people who can

502
00:30:19,356 --> 00:30:22,236
Speaker 1: support me and help that. I think it's for a

503
00:30:22,236 --> 00:30:26,836
Speaker 1: long time I was running away and ignoring it and

504
00:30:27,236 --> 00:30:29,916
Speaker 1: didn't want to face it. So yeah, I'm totally I'm

505
00:30:29,956 --> 00:30:32,676
Speaker 1: in such a good place now and I'm I'm I'm glad,

506
00:30:32,716 --> 00:30:34,636
Speaker 1: I am who I am? I mean just talking to

507
00:30:34,676 --> 00:30:36,916
Speaker 1: you like you seem like a total delight and like

508
00:30:36,956 --> 00:30:41,916
Speaker 1: a joyful person. And I think people have a notion

509
00:30:42,676 --> 00:30:46,156
Speaker 1: that you know, you say you're autistic or neurodivergent, if

510
00:30:46,196 --> 00:30:48,436
Speaker 1: anybody even understands what that is. But like that your

511
00:30:48,596 --> 00:30:52,396
Speaker 1: your life is all suffering and that you're sad and

512
00:30:52,956 --> 00:30:58,036
Speaker 1: it's bad, and you know, to be able to say, nah,

513
00:30:58,036 --> 00:30:59,996
Speaker 1: I'm I'm cool, like I'm in a good place and

514
00:31:00,116 --> 00:31:02,236
Speaker 1: like knowledge, I mean not to be cheesy, but like

515
00:31:02,276 --> 00:31:06,916
Speaker 1: the knowledge is power kind of thing, you know, Yeah, yeah, exactly, Yeah,

516
00:31:06,956 --> 00:31:10,676
Speaker 1: it's true. One last question, do you want to be

517
00:31:10,716 --> 00:31:18,556
Speaker 1: my autistic friend? Yes? Yes, you can show me all

518
00:31:18,596 --> 00:31:22,396
Speaker 1: the things in It would actually be a great honor

519
00:31:22,436 --> 00:31:25,036
Speaker 1: and a pleasure of mine if you came here. Thank

520
00:31:25,076 --> 00:31:28,356
Speaker 1: you so much, Pips really appreciate it. Oh thanks for

521
00:31:28,436 --> 00:31:35,036
Speaker 1: having me. All right, talk to you soon. Bye. You

522
00:31:35,076 --> 00:31:38,636
Speaker 1: can check out my new best friend, Lady Hawk's latest album,

523
00:31:38,676 --> 00:31:42,716
Speaker 1: Time Flies on your favorite streaming service, and you can

524
00:31:42,716 --> 00:31:46,836
Speaker 1: find her on Instagram and Twitter at lady Hawk for you,

525
00:31:47,156 --> 00:31:51,116
Speaker 1: that's Lady Hawk with any This episode was produced by

526
00:31:51,356 --> 00:31:55,196
Speaker 1: David Jah and edited by Sophie Crane, mix engineering by

527
00:31:55,316 --> 00:31:59,676
Speaker 1: Jake Gorsky. Special thanks to Janina Finn for making this happen.

528
00:32:00,276 --> 00:32:09,876
Speaker 1: Thanks to you friend for listening. Token