WEBVTT - The Self Worth Journey w/ Jada Pinkett Smith 0:00:02.640 --> 0:00:06.120 I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher 0:00:06.200 --> 0:00:09.320 for salm, and a soft place to fall for others. 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:14.400 And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until 0:00:14.720 --> 0:00:17.959 I love myself enough to be able to share my 0:00:18.079 --> 0:00:21.920 love with other people. Welcome to The Rspot, a production 0:00:22.040 --> 0:00:34.920 of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:42.400 Jada Pinkett Smith. We have seen her in films. We 0:00:42.520 --> 0:00:45.960 have seen her as the wife of the fresh Prince 0:00:46.040 --> 0:00:49.120 will Smith. We have seen her as the host of 0:00:49.159 --> 0:00:52.200 The Red Table Talks. We have seen her as Trey 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:55.840 Jaden and Willow's mom. We have seen her, and we 0:00:55.920 --> 0:00:58.760 may think we know her, because when you are a 0:00:58.760 --> 0:01:02.680 public person, the public thinks they know. They have opinions, 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:07.120 they draw conclusions, and it is easy to forget that 0:01:07.160 --> 0:01:09.880 before she was a film star or wife and mother, 0:01:10.200 --> 0:01:14.039 before she made her mark on public opinion, she was 0:01:14.240 --> 0:01:18.520 and is a person, a woman, and like every woman, 0:01:19.200 --> 0:01:22.399 she has a story. Jada is letting us in on 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:26.600 her story in her new book Worthy. Through the pages 0:01:26.640 --> 0:01:30.039 of Worthy, Jada is letting us in on her issues, 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:35.440 her challenges, lessons, her healing, her willingness to be vulnerable 0:01:35.680 --> 0:01:40.440 and to withstand the heat of public critique. She shares 0:01:40.520 --> 0:01:45.039 from her heart the value and necessity of learning to 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:49.520 love and honor yourself. As I have said right here 0:01:49.560 --> 0:01:53.000 on the art Spot, the only relationship you ever have, 0:01:53.200 --> 0:01:56.480 no matter who you are with, is the relationship you 0:01:56.560 --> 0:02:00.960 are having with yourself. In this special pre season edition 0:02:01.080 --> 0:02:04.000 of the Art Spot, I am honored to have as 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:06.720 my guest, Jada Pinkett Smith. 0:02:11.120 --> 0:02:15.480 Welcome to the our Spot, Miss Jada Pinkett Smith. You 0:02:15.520 --> 0:02:18.600 know I love you right, I've been I love you too. 0:02:18.760 --> 0:02:21.359 I've been loving you for a long time. So this 0:02:21.440 --> 0:02:24.120 is an honor to have you here on the art 0:02:24.120 --> 0:02:28.960 Spot to talk about your new baby worthy worthy. Is 0:02:29.000 --> 0:02:29.800 this your first baby? 0:02:29.919 --> 0:02:31.560 This is it? This is my first one? 0:02:32.800 --> 0:02:34.120 Okay? Are you gonna have more? 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:35.720 Are you? 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:39.440 We'll see, We'll see how this one goes. 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:43.360 They grow up quick, they grow up quick, so you 0:02:43.440 --> 0:02:46.400 gotta you gotta be on it. Let me say I 0:02:46.880 --> 0:02:53.360 two things. First, I appreciate you for, first of all, 0:02:53.400 --> 0:02:58.600 talking about plant medicine. You know I'm a plant medicine Okay, 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:02.960 so we will have another conversation about that. Did you 0:03:03.000 --> 0:03:04.120 do ayahuasca? 0:03:04.200 --> 0:03:06.600 Did you do I did ayahuasca? 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:10.560 Goodly beautiful. So thank you for that, because I really 0:03:10.639 --> 0:03:14.239 think it's a powerful healing tool for women. I think 0:03:14.280 --> 0:03:17.520 it's a powerful tool for trauma. So the fact that 0:03:17.600 --> 0:03:21.880 you shared that with us, and I love that worthy 0:03:22.000 --> 0:03:25.080 takes us beyond the camera because most of us know 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:28.440 you on the camera, and this thing right here, it 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:36.480 is rough, it is gritty, it's real. Be more, be 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:39.000 more as the first cousin of Brooklyn, and That's where 0:03:39.000 --> 0:03:43.560 I'm from. So I just I really really appreciate it. 0:03:43.640 --> 0:03:46.880 Let me start here, because this is you're talking about 0:03:46.960 --> 0:03:51.360 women and their worth, and you have this comment in 0:03:51.480 --> 0:03:54.480 a statement in the book that says, my belief is 0:03:54.520 --> 0:03:59.800 that every woman is worthy, a walking treasure that deserves 0:03:59.840 --> 0:04:04.000 to live her life as the heroine of her own story. 0:04:04.080 --> 0:04:07.840 You better talk to me, talk to me about being 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:12.240 the heroine of your own story, your story. 0:04:11.920 --> 0:04:15.120 In the statement, Yeah, it's like I really, you know, 0:04:15.240 --> 0:04:18.440 being the heroine of my own story was me coming 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:22.480 to terms with every aspect of it, coming to terms 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:25.960 with you know, my light and my shadow, you know, 0:04:26.000 --> 0:04:28.120 because I was just as much afraid of my light 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:31.159 as I was of my shadow, to be honest, you know, 0:04:32.240 --> 0:04:38.240 So you know, really learning how to be my own mother, 0:04:38.400 --> 0:04:42.960 my own father, my own lover, my own brother and sister, 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:49.200 you know, and realizing that it is my relationship with 0:04:49.400 --> 0:04:56.279 myself and the Great Supreme that is most important, you know, 0:04:56.640 --> 0:04:59.640 and was the thing that had been missing all along. 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:04.720 And once I really put that focus in on developing 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:08.679 an intimate relationship with myself as well as the Great Supreme, 0:05:08.839 --> 0:05:11.880 is when I really got to see my life move 0:05:11.920 --> 0:05:14.320 in the direction that I wanted to wanted it to 0:05:14.440 --> 0:05:20.039 move in, and realize that is me contacting the heroin 0:05:20.080 --> 0:05:23.640 within myself, you know, to take to take the power 0:05:23.720 --> 0:05:26.520 of my life back, you know. 0:05:26.960 --> 0:05:31.640 And so, yeah, at the R Spot, it's all about relationships, 0:05:31.839 --> 0:05:37.400 and Worthy talks about so many phenomenal relationships, dysfunctional though 0:05:37.400 --> 0:05:43.480 they may have been. Yeah, relationships, I mean from Grandma 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:46.799 Marion to Mammy Boobie to your mom to your dad. 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:51.320 This statement, there's so many things I want to ask you. 0:05:51.680 --> 0:05:54.640 I want to use this overarching umbrella for us to 0:05:54.720 --> 0:05:57.880 kind of line up with which are what are the 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:01.880 basic ingredients of a woman's work? Because you laid him out, 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:05.080 So the first thing I hear you say is your 0:06:05.200 --> 0:06:09.480 relationship with yourself. I want to go to a statement 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:12.880 that you made in the book. You said you were 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:15.920 talking about your dad because for me, as a daughter, 0:06:16.360 --> 0:06:20.000 I think that relationship with daddy is one of the 0:06:20.040 --> 0:06:24.160 most important ones that we ever faced. And you said 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:28.839 about your dad because your dad had a substance abuse problem. Yeah, 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:31.479 and as did your mom. We don't talk about being 0:06:31.520 --> 0:06:35.440 a child or two addicts. My mother was an alcoholic. Yeah, 0:06:35.520 --> 0:06:38.279 so I understand that. But this is what you said. 0:06:38.800 --> 0:06:44.560 You said that your dad gave you life, but in 0:06:44.640 --> 0:06:47.359 his presence, you were your own person. 0:06:48.080 --> 0:06:48.640 Yeah. 0:06:48.720 --> 0:06:52.240 He told you I am a drug addict and a criminal, 0:06:52.839 --> 0:06:58.400 so I can't be your father. Wow. Wow, Okay, and 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:03.200 this was your your lesson from that. You're growing from that. 0:07:03.279 --> 0:07:07.359 You said, my father gave me the lasting ability to 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:12.760 withstand and appreciate harsh truths. Talk to me of a 0:07:12.840 --> 0:07:17.560 woman's worth and learning to accept the harsh truths of 0:07:17.600 --> 0:07:21.560 her life, because you do that books so beautifully. 0:07:22.120 --> 0:07:25.360 You know, it is the process of letting go of 0:07:25.520 --> 0:07:32.280 all the romantic fantasies, you know, of what we're told 0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:36.360 our relationships are supposed to look like. What we are 0:07:36.480 --> 0:07:39.960 told a woman's walk is supposed to be. You know 0:07:40.120 --> 0:07:43.640 that we're always supposed to be tidy, clean, you know, 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:50.000 and in step with what society expects of us. 0:07:50.160 --> 0:07:51.920 You know. And so. 0:07:53.680 --> 0:07:59.720 For me really having to let go of the romanticized 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:03.320 eye ideas of what I thought I was supposed to be, 0:08:04.440 --> 0:08:06.800 what I thought the people around me were supposed to 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:09.920 be of my life. And I think that being able 0:08:10.000 --> 0:08:13.000 to learn to a certain degree because I, you know, 0:08:13.120 --> 0:08:15.360 my lesson had to deepen as time went on as 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:20.240 far as my relationship with my father, but breaking those 0:08:20.880 --> 0:08:24.840 idealistic ideas of my mother and my father at a 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:29.520 very early age and being able to accept them, you know, 0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:32.320 as the human beings that they presented themselves to be, 0:08:33.240 --> 0:08:36.200 you know. And as much as I wanted a father, 0:08:37.160 --> 0:08:40.560 I wasn't upset at my father at that time for 0:08:40.679 --> 0:08:42.760 not being able to show up for me. 0:08:43.400 --> 0:08:48.400 Wait right there, hold it right there. He said, you 0:08:48.480 --> 0:08:50.319 were sudden, I think, or nine? 0:08:50.880 --> 0:08:55.760 Yeah, what what what were you drawing on? 0:08:56.320 --> 0:08:59.440 Not to be upset that your daddy wasn't the story 0:08:59.480 --> 0:09:01.240 book that what men? 0:09:01.440 --> 0:09:08.720 You know what, I really I was so grateful that 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:13.160 he had enough honor and respect for me to not pretend. 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:16.000 You know, because there had been. 0:09:18.760 --> 0:09:23.280 So much that was going on around me so much unsaid, right, 0:09:23.559 --> 0:09:26.680 and for me not to have to like put the 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:29.560 pieces together and figure out what's going on. You know, 0:09:29.679 --> 0:09:32.040 he was just straight up with it, you know, And 0:09:32.440 --> 0:09:35.400 then I can I can manage myself from there. 0:09:35.559 --> 0:09:37.800 I can manage my surroundings from there. 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:41.560 At nine, because you say in the book that you 0:09:41.720 --> 0:09:45.000 appreciated the fact that he didn't pull the wool over 0:09:45.040 --> 0:09:48.400 your eyes, that you didn't have told it right out. 0:09:48.600 --> 0:09:51.760 So I think that one And you tell me if 0:09:51.840 --> 0:09:55.240 this is one of the messages for women to get, 0:09:55.880 --> 0:10:00.400 is that it is important for us to I only 0:10:00.440 --> 0:10:05.319 accept people as they are, but when we see the wall, 0:10:05.840 --> 0:10:13.040 when we hear the unspoken things, trust it, trusted it. 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:16.440 And receive it and the best way that we can. 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:17.280 As a gift. 0:10:17.720 --> 0:10:22.240 Yes, but you know something that I noticed in Worthy 0:10:22.800 --> 0:10:27.439 that is essential and you seem to have it first 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:29.679 of all the gift, and that is you have an 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:34.360 emotional vocabulary. Let me tell you where I found that. 0:10:36.640 --> 0:10:40.200 You were talking about this predator that pulled up in 0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:45.160 the car and exposed themselves to you early on, and 0:10:45.200 --> 0:10:50.719 you said, I wasn't scared, I was disgusted. That's an 0:10:50.760 --> 0:10:54.400 emotion that many of us don't have a language for 0:10:54.880 --> 0:11:01.280 you said disrupted, but not scared. And what I noticed 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:05.600 you went on to say that I learned early there 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:09.040 ain't no such thing as a safe neighborhood. Yeah. I 0:11:10.320 --> 0:11:13.760 want to scratch there for a moment, because so very 0:11:13.800 --> 0:11:17.200 often one of the things that I've learned impacts a 0:11:17.240 --> 0:11:22.480 woman's work is a not having an emotional vocabulary to 0:11:22.679 --> 0:11:28.360 describe what she feels and be not feeling safe, not 0:11:28.600 --> 0:11:33.640 feeling safe, not feeling safe. So you had that how 0:11:33.679 --> 0:11:38.679 many young girls know that they're feeling disgusted? Where did 0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:41.000 that come from, Miss Jada? Where did you get that? 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:44.360 I really don't know, to be honest with you, that's 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:47.080 just how I felt. I just remember going back to 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:51.280 that moment and just being like em you know. 0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:52.640 It was disgusting. 0:11:53.920 --> 0:11:59.600 And I think probably my grandmother, Yes, my grandmother was. 0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:03.720 She spent a lot of time with me, and I 0:12:03.760 --> 0:12:05.920 think my grandmother knew that she wasn't going to be 0:12:05.960 --> 0:12:09.960 around long and she was very you know, she was 0:12:10.280 --> 0:12:14.079 very specific about the words that she chose. And I 0:12:14.200 --> 0:12:16.560 tell you it's so you know what, it was probably 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:18.880 my grandmother because I remember she would say things to 0:12:18.880 --> 0:12:20.480 me like if we were sitting at the table because 0:12:20.480 --> 0:12:21.480 my grandmother couldn't cook. 0:12:21.520 --> 0:12:23.400 She's the only West Indian woman that I knew that 0:12:23.480 --> 0:12:24.120 could not cook. 0:12:25.400 --> 0:12:30.079 And I would say, this food is nasty, right, and 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:33.120 she would say, you can say that the food doesn't 0:12:33.240 --> 0:12:38.080 taste good, but don't call food nasty. So I guess 0:12:38.240 --> 0:12:41.800 vocabulary in our house were very specific on how. 0:12:41.600 --> 0:12:42.760 We used words. 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:45.840 My grandmother was very specific in how she used words, 0:12:45.840 --> 0:12:47.560 and that's probably where I got it from. 0:12:47.720 --> 0:12:51.280 A basic ingredient of worth, And when you go through 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:55.360 Worthy and you're reading it, a basic ingredient is to 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:59.920 up level your emotional vocabulary. Because you speak so eloquent 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:04.240 throughout the book about what you felt and what it was. 0:13:06.000 --> 0:13:07.800 I tell you I need two hours with you. But 0:13:07.880 --> 0:13:10.199 let's just go on. Let me go back here. Let 0:13:10.200 --> 0:13:12.760 me go back to the intro for a moment, because 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:16.840 here is a part I think that as women, we've 0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:20.600 got to get this clear. And you say it so eloquently, 0:13:21.200 --> 0:13:26.800 putting on a good face and your face covered or 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:31.840 hid depression and helpless. Yeah, so we go beyond the 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:36.560 camera where we saw a beautiful little data. Talk to 0:13:36.600 --> 0:13:40.520 me about putting on a good face and how it 0:13:40.600 --> 0:13:42.040 diminishes your work. 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:51.160 Oh man, Because I spent so much time having shame 0:13:51.760 --> 0:14:00.280 about my reality, and I said, I felt like well made. 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:06.600 I will feel more worthy, you know, to myself and 0:14:06.880 --> 0:14:10.360 with the people around me if I play the role 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:13.000 I'm supposed to play, and play the role that people 0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:16.320 want me to play. And I think that a lot 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:23.160 of times we as women get stuck in the roles 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:26.680 that we think we're supposed to play, you know, in 0:14:26.880 --> 0:14:29.720 order to feel good about ourselves and to make sure 0:14:29.760 --> 0:14:33.160 that the people around us feel good about themselves, and 0:14:33.640 --> 0:14:36.520 you know, we are embraced and accepted in the way 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:39.120 that we want to be. And I just had so 0:14:39.280 --> 0:14:44.080 much shame about what was actually going on within me. 0:14:44.280 --> 0:14:46.520 And I just kept thinking to myself, if I just 0:14:47.280 --> 0:14:50.560 if I just keep with this face, maybe one day 0:14:50.600 --> 0:14:53.120 a miracle will happen and I'll just be the thing. 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:58.240 You know, shame about the depression, shame. 0:14:58.040 --> 0:15:02.280 About the depression, shame about my unhappiness. I was like, 0:15:02.440 --> 0:15:06.320 look at your life, like how dare you? You know, 0:15:06.600 --> 0:15:07.320 how dare you? 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:09.960 And and I. 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:14.760 Didn't really, I just out of my shame has such 0:15:14.960 --> 0:15:17.720 difficulty expressing. 0:15:17.040 --> 0:15:20.400 It, and I was scared to I was scared to. 0:15:20.560 --> 0:15:25.360 Really say, because every time I would start, people would 0:15:25.440 --> 0:15:28.440 validate the feeling I had, which was, what's wrong? 0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:30.600 What are you talking about? Look at look at your life? 0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:34.720 Letting people talk you out your feelings. Yeah, yeah, And 0:15:34.760 --> 0:15:39.040 that's and that's part of the mask, you know, you say, 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:42.200 putting on a good face and getting stuck in it. 0:15:42.280 --> 0:15:46.800 But it's also the mask that we wear to make 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:53.280 other people comfortable, which also diminishes your relationship with yourself. 0:15:53.520 --> 0:15:58.000 Let's look at two things where you've got into once 0:15:58.040 --> 0:16:01.680 you've discovered your world, let's talk about that, but let's 0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:05.000 talk about the relationship with you you had with you 0:16:05.600 --> 0:16:10.080 under the mask? What were you doing inside of yourself? 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:11.640 A lot of self hatred? 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:16.240 What specifically did you mean? Because I think that's important, 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:20.320 you know, sometimes it is these words, what specifically did 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:22.280 you hate about jad? 0:16:22.640 --> 0:16:28.120 You know, I really hated that I wasn't content, and 0:16:28.160 --> 0:16:30.720 I hated that there was nothing that could make me 0:16:31.280 --> 0:16:34.320 content no matter what I did. And I really felt 0:16:34.360 --> 0:16:39.560 I hated feeling broken, and I hated feeling that, you know, 0:16:41.120 --> 0:16:48.640 I was ungrateful, and I hated feeling that I was losing, 0:16:49.920 --> 0:16:56.000 that I was growing cold, numb, and that my my 0:16:56.120 --> 0:17:01.480 feelings of resentment and anger, and I hate it not being. 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:02.840 Seen, you know what I mean. 0:17:03.400 --> 0:17:08.560 And that made me really angry, and I hated that 0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:10.439 I was angry, and. 0:17:12.480 --> 0:17:12.920 I just. 0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:17.040 And it just made me dislike everything. It just made 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:17.880 me hate everything. 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:21.160 You know, what's the one here can only be pictured 0:17:21.200 --> 0:17:22.360 out there exactly. 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:25.560 It diminishes, It diminished everything, and you know, my worth, 0:17:25.720 --> 0:17:28.760 my personal worth and then just the worth of life. 0:17:29.080 --> 0:17:40.920 Yeah, we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:43.159 back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we 0:17:43.280 --> 0:17:46.520 left off. I want to talk to you about this 0:17:46.560 --> 0:17:50.640 other piece too, because you talked about miss Shirley, Grandma Shirley, 0:17:51.280 --> 0:17:55.399 your dad's mom. This thing in the book took me 0:17:55.640 --> 0:18:02.000 to my needs. Okay, about her leaving food on the 0:18:02.119 --> 0:18:08.320 porch for her drug addicted son. But what I saw 0:18:08.560 --> 0:18:14.240 in there was that she created a boundary and she 0:18:14.400 --> 0:18:17.439 learned how to stay No loved them. She wasn't going 0:18:17.480 --> 0:18:20.440 to abandon them, but she created a boundary. You can't 0:18:20.480 --> 0:18:23.919 come in my house, ye, mistatee. How does a woman? 0:18:25.000 --> 0:18:29.280 Because this impacts many women and their worth, they continue 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:33.600 to do for family members, for loved ones till it diminishes. Them. 0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:37.879 Miss Shirley, although she had her issues, created a boundary 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:41.439 and said no, talk about the importance of that, please. 0:18:42.040 --> 0:18:46.720 Oh And that's every stay because you know, the thing 0:18:46.840 --> 0:18:50.240 that I had to learn and I'm continuing to learn, 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:55.639 is like unconditional love. Love does not mean unconditional tolerance, 0:18:56.359 --> 0:18:59.560 you know. And I think a lot of times we 0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:03.080 get really mixed up on what love is supposed to 0:19:03.240 --> 0:19:09.200 look like, right, And so we're told to be absolutely selfless, 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:15.440 and you know, don't worry about you, you worry about 0:19:15.800 --> 0:19:18.080 you know. You just love as hard as you need 0:19:18.119 --> 0:19:21.040 to for the people around you. And that and that 0:19:21.400 --> 0:19:25.720 is a woman's worth and that's how a woman is 0:19:25.720 --> 0:19:26.639 supposed to love. 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:29.240 And that is just not true, you know. 0:19:29.520 --> 0:19:33.520 And boundaries are absolutely important. It teaches us how to 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:36.320 love ourselves, and it teaches others who want to know 0:19:36.400 --> 0:19:38.439 how to love us, how to love us. 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:41.359 And that was a big one I had to really 0:19:41.400 --> 0:19:43.840 get with. It's like, my. 0:19:43.920 --> 0:19:47.280 Boundaries teach the people around me who want to love 0:19:47.359 --> 0:19:51.239 me how to love me, and it's an expression of 0:19:51.280 --> 0:19:53.280 how I want to love myself. 0:19:53.440 --> 0:19:54.960 That's right, and it. 0:19:54.880 --> 0:19:59.960 Doesn't mean that I used to think putting up back 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:04.520 boundaries was unloving because I grew up in a house 0:20:04.720 --> 0:20:10.000 where listen like having boundaries. When you're living with a 0:20:10.040 --> 0:20:13.200 mother who has addiction problems and it's just the two 0:20:13.240 --> 0:20:22.760 of you, there's a lot of you know, boundary crossing, violation, boundaries, 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:26.120 a lot of violations, and you think that the acceptance 0:20:26.200 --> 0:20:29.600 of those violations is your show of love. 0:20:29.680 --> 0:20:33.000 And I had to. I had to. I had to. 0:20:34.040 --> 0:20:35.119 I had to re educate. 0:20:35.160 --> 0:20:40.040 I had to unlearn that and re educate myself around boundaries. 0:20:40.080 --> 0:20:42.920 And you know what, it's something that I deal with 0:20:43.040 --> 0:20:44.560 every day in my life. 0:20:45.400 --> 0:20:48.800 And particularly as a public person. I know that I, 0:20:48.960 --> 0:20:52.360 as a public person, have to create boundaries when I'm 0:20:52.400 --> 0:20:56.359 in the walkport or idolatry or the gas station and 0:20:56.480 --> 0:21:01.280 people want pitches and and get all and you just 0:21:01.320 --> 0:21:04.240 have to create boundaries. A dear friend of mine, writer 0:21:05.160 --> 0:21:10.199 Paul Farini, says, say no to the bad behavior and 0:21:10.280 --> 0:21:12.960 yes to the love. And I think that as women, 0:21:13.520 --> 0:21:16.680 part of our worth is learning how to say no. 0:21:16.760 --> 0:21:20.520 Like miss Shirley said, I mean she's feeding her leaving 0:21:20.600 --> 0:21:23.159 food on the porch, but saying to him, and she 0:21:23.320 --> 0:21:25.960 held that boundary. Now may it led her to the 0:21:26.600 --> 0:21:29.120 drinking a little bit, but we won't have that discovery. 0:21:29.200 --> 0:21:31.399 I want people to read about missus Shirley, because you 0:21:31.480 --> 0:21:33.240 got some colorful people. 0:21:34.320 --> 0:21:39.800 I know, I know, and she listened my grandmother. She 0:21:40.000 --> 0:21:42.639 was something, but she was a powerhouse. You know, she 0:21:42.760 --> 0:21:43.560 was a powerhouse. 0:21:43.760 --> 0:21:48.080 But the beauty that I also found in Worthy is 0:21:48.119 --> 0:21:54.680 you did have relationships with these people and you saw 0:21:54.840 --> 0:21:58.159 or now maybe now you're realizing now that you're adult, 0:21:58.480 --> 0:22:04.359 and you still embrace the relationships with each person as 0:22:04.400 --> 0:22:09.120 they were for who they were, without the judgments and 0:22:09.600 --> 0:22:14.159 taking on their stuff? Is your stuff powerful? If we 0:22:14.280 --> 0:22:19.280 as women want to develop our worth, growing our worth 0:22:19.320 --> 0:22:23.000 and stand in our worthy mast, we have to learn 0:22:23.080 --> 0:22:26.200 to accept people as they are, for who they are 0:22:26.440 --> 0:22:28.920 and not make their stuff our stuff. Have you found that? 0:22:30.520 --> 0:22:35.320 When I got to page four hundred and fifteen, Worthy, 0:22:35.920 --> 0:22:42.399 I was clear about what how your story first of 0:22:42.440 --> 0:22:46.320 all is so mirrored mind, and that's the beauty of relationships. Yes, 0:22:46.680 --> 0:22:51.000 people were each other all of the time. But when 0:22:51.040 --> 0:22:54.120 your readers get to page four hundred and fifteen, before 0:22:54.119 --> 0:22:56.359 they get to four sixteen and they don't want it 0:22:56.359 --> 0:23:00.520 to end, we want to know more. What is it 0:23:00.560 --> 0:23:02.879 that you want them to walk away? With this data, 0:23:03.320 --> 0:23:06.960 what is it to me? It was the basic ingredients 0:23:07.000 --> 0:23:10.000 of a woman's work. But you may have another message, 0:23:10.040 --> 0:23:12.840 what do you want women to walk away? And men too? 0:23:12.920 --> 0:23:14.960 I think men need to be this point. I could 0:23:15.000 --> 0:23:16.240 be wrong too. 0:23:16.480 --> 0:23:20.879 Thank you for saying that, because I do true I am. 0:23:21.600 --> 0:23:25.679 I do feel like the basic ingredients of a woman's 0:23:25.760 --> 0:23:30.159 worth for sure, and you know, to just have don't 0:23:30.200 --> 0:23:34.040 feel shame for your walk I think in this you know, 0:23:34.400 --> 0:23:37.919 era of social media and needing everything to look so, 0:23:40.440 --> 0:23:46.800 you know, perfect right, And we're all here learning how 0:23:46.840 --> 0:23:51.199 to love ourselves, learning how to love others. And this 0:23:51.359 --> 0:23:54.800 place is a university and we all have our curriculums 0:23:55.520 --> 0:23:59.720 and our assignments and it's not meant to always be 0:23:59.760 --> 0:24:05.960 pre and it's okay, you know, as long as we 0:24:06.200 --> 0:24:12.119 are staying on path of understanding that we are here 0:24:12.240 --> 0:24:19.960 to learn, you know, and to rise to our higher selves, 0:24:20.359 --> 0:24:22.920 you know, And that's what this whole journey is about. 0:24:23.240 --> 0:24:27.280 And like you said, just those little breadcrumbs, those ingredients 0:24:27.840 --> 0:24:31.439 you know of what it takes and what it looks like. 0:24:32.080 --> 0:24:34.879 One of the things that I got was that every 0:24:35.080 --> 0:24:39.760 single relationship you addressed was a classroom for you every 0:24:39.880 --> 0:24:45.720 single one. Yes, And as a woman, your relationship with 0:24:45.840 --> 0:24:50.040 your father, I think is probably the main lecture hall 0:24:52.200 --> 0:24:57.080 The second one to that for your major lesson in 0:24:57.119 --> 0:25:00.840 life is your relationship with your mom. Talk to me 0:25:01.520 --> 0:25:06.600 about that because behind the behind the camera, beyond the camera, 0:25:07.760 --> 0:25:10.439 it looks to the world and feels to the world 0:25:10.960 --> 0:25:15.600 that you and her have a good mother daughter relationship. 0:25:15.880 --> 0:25:17.960 How did you get there? Because I read it, but 0:25:18.640 --> 0:25:20.679 I want to know from your heart, how did you 0:25:20.720 --> 0:25:21.200 get there? 0:25:21.960 --> 0:25:22.159 You know? 0:25:22.320 --> 0:25:24.600 It just it's what you were talking about earlier. 0:25:24.880 --> 0:25:29.120 Just that level of self acceptance, you know, and that 0:25:29.240 --> 0:25:33.840 level of acceptance of looking at my mother. And it 0:25:33.880 --> 0:25:37.200 was really when I became a mother myself. 0:25:37.920 --> 0:25:40.040 Okay, when I became a that'll do it. 0:25:40.359 --> 0:25:46.879 Okay, when I became a mother myself and I got 0:25:46.920 --> 0:25:52.760 married and life got like real in a different way. 0:25:53.080 --> 0:25:57.800 I really started to honor what my mother was able 0:25:57.920 --> 0:26:01.560 to come through, you know, and I was able to 0:26:01.680 --> 0:26:06.120 see her in a different way, and she really showed 0:26:06.280 --> 0:26:10.000 up for me when I had my children, like I 0:26:10.040 --> 0:26:14.280 got to see her become the grandmother. 0:26:15.000 --> 0:26:17.639 That you know. 0:26:18.080 --> 0:26:23.679 I didn't get to experience her as a mother, but 0:26:23.720 --> 0:26:28.000 there was so much reconciling that happened in me being 0:26:28.080 --> 0:26:31.919 able to watch her as the grandmother that she is. 0:26:32.320 --> 0:26:37.280 Okay, she is now as opposed to lamenting who she wasn't. 0:26:37.040 --> 0:26:40.439 Before was in the past, right because she was she 0:26:41.160 --> 0:26:45.000 in her My mother got clean when I was twenty 0:26:46.280 --> 0:26:49.159 and she became a total different person. 0:26:50.840 --> 0:26:52.200 And so that was. 0:26:53.920 --> 0:26:54.320