WEBVTT - It’s Not a Relapse 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:07.040 Hello, gorgeous. It's Lala Kent. Welcome to untraditionally, Lala, Hello, gorgeous, 0:00:07.240 --> 0:00:10.399 Welcome back to untraditionally, Lala. I have my rider die 0:00:10.480 --> 0:00:15.400 here Easton Birmingham. 0:00:15.520 --> 0:00:16.000 I'm here. 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:22.279 So it is shocking how many people wrote in to 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:25.760 be like, I'm trying to kick the vape too. Everywhere 0:00:25.800 --> 0:00:28.280 I looked, someone was like in their car vaping and 0:00:28.280 --> 0:00:31.800 I was like, oh my god, that looks so freaking good. 0:00:32.159 --> 0:00:34.000 After a meal Eastan, I would look at each other 0:00:34.000 --> 0:00:36.600 and I'm like, what I would give, What I would 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:39.040 fucking give to just smack the shit out of that. 0:00:39.320 --> 0:00:42.840 I'm weird. I like eating like all stuff my face. 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:46.600 Yeah, and I'll sit back, hit the vape and I'll 0:00:46.600 --> 0:00:47.680 dive back into that meal. 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:51.800 Baby, Oh yeah, dive straight back and look at mom. 0:00:52.240 --> 0:00:56.200 I think it's nauseating. 0:00:56.600 --> 0:01:00.560 Tried it. I'm like Chandler, Chandler being on front when 0:01:01.400 --> 0:01:05.000 Rachel starts smoking and she's like, I actually feel like 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:08.240 I could throw up, and he's like, but you gotta 0:01:08.600 --> 0:01:11.080 gotta push past that. It's about to get so good. 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:14.280 And then they're talking about how discussing songing is he goes, yeah, 0:01:14.360 --> 0:01:18.319 it is the best and I'm like, I relate. I relate, 0:01:18.400 --> 0:01:18.960 and guess. 0:01:18.760 --> 0:01:21.440 What, I also relate because he went five years. I 0:01:21.480 --> 0:01:22.440 made it five days. 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:26.319 Okay, so back to that we this is my reward. 0:01:28.360 --> 0:01:30.800 It has not gone well, Ethan. Let's talk about your 0:01:30.880 --> 0:01:33.800 moment of caving back to the wape. How many we 0:01:33.840 --> 0:01:36.120 went a week? We went a week. I went a 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:37.039 little more than a week. 0:01:37.200 --> 0:01:40.479 And I'm proud of you for that. Oh my god, 0:01:40.520 --> 0:01:42.800 there's so many things just traveling back to this little 0:01:42.800 --> 0:01:45.200 old mind of what is it? 0:01:45.360 --> 0:01:46.080 I don't even know. 0:01:46.600 --> 0:01:51.040 It's like I was. I was never content. But when 0:01:51.080 --> 0:01:53.280 everybody this is the fucking thing. I hate when people 0:01:53.280 --> 0:01:55.400 are like it's hard. I know it's struggling, but you 0:01:55.400 --> 0:01:58.040 can get through it because you're sipping your mocktail or 0:01:58.040 --> 0:01:58.640 your cocktail. 0:01:58.800 --> 0:01:59.840 Yeah, it's like, fuck you. 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:04.200 We have we have a friend who, by the way, 0:02:05.680 --> 0:02:10.440 calls us buzzed while he's smoking a cigarette, telling us 0:02:11.360 --> 0:02:13.440 that we can do it, we can give up the bape. 0:02:13.880 --> 0:02:14.600 I was like, if I. 0:02:14.520 --> 0:02:17.120 Could come through the phone and you punch you in 0:02:17.160 --> 0:02:20.200 your throat so you cannot speak anymore, I would I'd 0:02:20.240 --> 0:02:24.360 punch you with two fists. Easton's very new in his 0:02:24.400 --> 0:02:27.040 sobriety journey, and there was a moment where he was like, 0:02:27.320 --> 0:02:28.600 I'm tweaking out. 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:30.080 I need some good. 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:33.200 So he went and bought one. But the day that 0:02:33.240 --> 0:02:35.760 he bought it, he was like really down, you remember mom, 0:02:35.800 --> 0:02:39.000 And he had like called his sponsor and he talked. 0:02:38.720 --> 0:02:41.880 To him as down for good two days, three days. 0:02:41.880 --> 0:02:43.880 I was not you know what, I would much rather 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:47.639 have you smoking a vabe than relaps that time. 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:50.560 I just cannot deal. I cannot deal with a fifth relapse. 0:02:50.680 --> 0:02:52.760 No, but this is your journey. 0:02:52.480 --> 0:02:54.359 And I'm here to support you through the thick and 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:54.720 the thin. 0:02:55.320 --> 0:02:58.400 There it is, Here's what kept me from a relapse. 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:01.920 But Easton, he kept saying that like going out and 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:04.440 buying the vape, he felt like he had relapsed. 0:03:05.240 --> 0:03:10.120 And I was on, I mean, I don't, I I 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:13.560 don't I like sharing. I like was a speaker at 0:03:13.600 --> 0:03:17.720 a meeting in you know, our program. Yeah, and I 0:03:17.760 --> 0:03:20.000 told a lot of people that like that I felt 0:03:20.000 --> 0:03:22.520 like I relapsed. And I can't tell you how many 0:03:22.560 --> 0:03:25.239 people were like I felt the exact same way. Really yeah, 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:28.680 because you know, you're it's all in the same You 0:03:28.720 --> 0:03:31.079 gave up drinking, you gave up smoking, you gave up whatever, 0:03:31.240 --> 0:03:36.120 gone another unhealthy. Yeah, you don't have advice, and now 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:38.400 you give it up, and like you feel like you're 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:40.400 doing these things and it's like, you know, you have 0:03:40.480 --> 0:03:42.760 pink cloud moments of like okay, I gave up the vape. 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:44.840 Now I'm doing it, and then when you hit it, 0:03:44.920 --> 0:03:47.720 you're like everything that you just worked for feels like 0:03:47.760 --> 0:03:48.840 it went down the tube. 0:03:49.240 --> 0:03:50.840 And I can completely understand. 0:03:50.960 --> 0:03:52.240 I had to call multiple people. 0:03:52.240 --> 0:03:53.480 I had to call my sponsor and I was like, 0:03:53.600 --> 0:03:56.080 I feel like I relapsed, and everybody the meeting is 0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:57.880 what made me feel good. They were like, now this 0:03:58.040 --> 0:04:00.720 is you know, this is what we're this is what 0:04:00.720 --> 0:04:03.720 we're in here for, and we gave up the things 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:08.400 that alter us and this does not alter you. 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:15.120 Now. I was like, okay, that's okay, mom, come a 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:17.640 fucking joy. It makes me need to hit the vabe. 0:04:19.040 --> 0:04:21.279 I know, and then she I just that's why I 0:04:21.320 --> 0:04:22.840 also feel bad. I just like it. 0:04:22.880 --> 0:04:25.279 I'm like, it's either a cocktail or this vape and 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:29.039 then I hit it and Least says over there, it's. 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:31.880 Like, fuck, let me live. I can't condon. I'm your 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:35.400 mother and I don't want you. No, no, no, no, no, no, 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:36.400 I don't. 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:38.800 I don't want you to condonate. I want you to 0:04:38.800 --> 0:04:41.479 point out all the horrific things because guess what, you guys, 0:04:41.640 --> 0:04:44.080 I am going to have to give it up. Like 0:04:44.200 --> 0:04:47.160 I'm having surgery in a little over a month, Like 0:04:47.200 --> 0:04:49.880 it has to be done on top of I know 0:04:49.920 --> 0:04:52.320 what it's doing to my body. I have two little 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:54.880 girls that I need to be around for. That's important 0:04:54.880 --> 0:04:59.040 to me. Okay, hear me out, because I know everyone's 0:04:59.080 --> 0:05:04.680 gonna think I'm insane. I got sober and it was 0:05:04.920 --> 0:05:07.120 pretty much I woke up and said I was not 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:09.679 going to live this way anymore. And that is when 0:05:10.320 --> 0:05:13.600 the vaping started. I didn't go buy one, but I 0:05:13.680 --> 0:05:17.479 was hitting other peoples and it was happening long enough 0:05:17.800 --> 0:05:20.360 to where I in moments of stress or I would 0:05:20.480 --> 0:05:21.960 need to go out, and the people I was going 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:24.720 out with weren't drinking. And I was very heavy in 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:27.280 the entertainment. Like now I'm more of a homebody and 0:05:27.279 --> 0:05:30.160 now it's a full on addiction. But back then it 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:34.720 was like We're going to can for a film festival 0:05:34.920 --> 0:05:37.800 or whatever it may be, and I'm like that is triggering. 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:41.520 People are drinking. There's social lubricant happening. I need something. 0:05:42.000 --> 0:05:44.240 Then I get pregnant. Because someone pointed this out in 0:05:44.279 --> 0:05:46.640 the comments section, you quit for nine months and then 0:05:46.680 --> 0:05:49.719 you breastbud. Yes, I did quit for nine months with 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:54.240 Sosa well before that, because I knew that I was 0:05:54.279 --> 0:05:56.159 having to prep my body for it, right, so I 0:05:56.200 --> 0:05:58.159 gave it up. There was something very big on the 0:05:58.160 --> 0:06:02.520 line that you can't be vaping for and then breastfeeding, 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:07.000 and why I then go back to doing it is 0:06:07.040 --> 0:06:09.520 because it's an addiction. And I said to someone in 0:06:09.560 --> 0:06:11.560 one of my meetings, I was like, I'm gonna give 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:13.600 it up because I can. This was a very long 0:06:13.640 --> 0:06:16.880 time ago. If I can quit drinking, I can quit vaping. 0:06:16.920 --> 0:06:18.560 And she goes, well, have you ever given up heroin? 0:06:18.600 --> 0:06:21.799 And I go no, and she goes, that's it's the equivalent. 0:06:21.880 --> 0:06:27.719 I was like, oh my god, so yes, I want 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:30.160 to give it up. And I'm seven years into my sobriety. 0:06:30.240 --> 0:06:35.599 Easton is relatively news. We have to keep him where 0:06:35.600 --> 0:06:38.480 he is for me. Easton had a friend come over 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:41.200 the other night. Her name's Dina, Little Dina shout out, 0:06:41.720 --> 0:06:45.200 and she brought me this little like anti vaping device 0:06:45.680 --> 0:06:48.159 which I'm going to have to implement. I'm going to 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:53.359 San Francisco this weekend. I don't think I can be 0:06:53.440 --> 0:06:59.200 without it. I'll be the vape, just letting you know. Mom. 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:02.919 I can see her face shift. Her energy is undeniable 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:06.160 right now, it's suffocating. Worry about you, guys, I worry 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:09.400 about me too. I worry about me too. After that, 0:07:10.520 --> 0:07:13.160 I come home Easton. You gotta hide that ship from me, 0:07:13.200 --> 0:07:15.320 and you can. If I say, let me have a 0:07:15.360 --> 0:07:18.240 smacky smack, which is what I do every morning, let 0:07:18.280 --> 0:07:20.400 me have a shmacky smack. You have to deny me 0:07:20.440 --> 0:07:24.320 of that. I will and after this, because even when 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:27.360 I got pregnant, you guys, I was like, oh the 0:07:27.480 --> 0:07:29.880 moment I dropped this kid and I'm done with her 0:07:29.920 --> 0:07:31.920 on the boom, I'm fucking smacking a shit out of 0:07:31.920 --> 0:07:35.880 that stuff. Seriously, I know this round, this round, I'm 0:07:35.920 --> 0:07:39.440 telling you what it is going to be a we 0:07:39.480 --> 0:07:42.600 are giving up the vape and there is no timeline 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:45.920 happening where you get through recovery of the boobs and 0:07:45.960 --> 0:07:49.160 you get to hit it. No, it's gone, it's done. 0:07:49.640 --> 0:07:51.600 It has to be done well. 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:56.560 If my dad, your grandfather, look for fifty some odd 0:07:56.640 --> 0:07:59.440 years and give it up cold turkey with hard candies. 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:01.040 I think anybody can. 0:08:01.320 --> 0:08:07.480 I finished a pound a pound of popcorn flavored jelly 0:08:07.520 --> 0:08:15.200 bellies in less than thirty six hours, chewing it the 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:17.480 whole thing. It's just where. We'll do what we have 0:08:17.520 --> 0:08:21.040 to do. I may gain a little weight, which is fine. 0:08:21.080 --> 0:08:23.000 I'm trying to get a fat ass. 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:24.840 I'm gonna just hit this verbe. 0:08:25.240 --> 0:08:29.400 The fattest of asses. I'm gonna walk in looking like 0:08:29.760 --> 0:08:35.040 moving party. B apologies, Okay, I'm gonna have like twelve 0:08:35.040 --> 0:08:39.080 boyfriends moving on. People have asked me, how's the vave going? 0:08:40.280 --> 0:08:41.040 It's going great? 0:08:41.120 --> 0:08:44.320 You know what I say, Drenda Medley. Not well, bitch, 0:08:45.640 --> 0:08:58.280 it's going well. What are you thinking? Mom? 0:08:58.440 --> 0:09:01.559 I know I feel like I'm just. 0:09:00.520 --> 0:09:02.440 Judge, judging. 0:09:02.720 --> 0:09:03.800 I'm not judging at all. 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:05.880 I'm thirty five years old, you guys, and have to 0:09:06.040 --> 0:09:07.560 hide my vaping from my mother. 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:09.720 We don't do a very good job. 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:12.319 It's because I finally give up. I'm like, I can't, 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:15.240 I'm tweaking, and she knows I'm going to Easton's black 0:09:15.240 --> 0:09:16.120 House way too much. 0:09:16.200 --> 0:09:18.360 I know, did we even tell that story? When I 0:09:18.400 --> 0:09:20.640 found the vape? In my bag and Mom walked into 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:21.000 the room. 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:22.360 No, but that's so funny. 0:09:23.040 --> 0:09:24.480 Oh, we were in it. 0:09:24.720 --> 0:09:26.920 We had just given it up, and it was maybe 0:09:26.960 --> 0:09:30.920 day two or three, and the attict I am. 0:09:31.120 --> 0:09:32.839 I was like, I'm gonna give it. I'm just gonna 0:09:32.880 --> 0:09:33.520 throw it away. 0:09:34.160 --> 0:09:35.959 I hit it the final time, and I thought, I'm 0:09:35.960 --> 0:09:38.479 gonna put this in my Duffel bag just in case. 0:09:38.559 --> 0:09:39.880 Just in case. 0:09:40.120 --> 0:09:42.280 Don't like vitamins, Like you don't know if you're gonna 0:09:42.280 --> 0:09:44.800 get sick on vacation, so you gotta throw the vitamins 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:45.840 just a case too. 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:49.320 So I like threw to the Duffel bag. I forgot 0:09:49.360 --> 0:09:49.800 about it. 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:52.160 And then when I was in my room, I was 0:09:52.200 --> 0:09:54.040 like getting my clothes out and I see this grain 0:09:54.080 --> 0:09:55.880 thing at the bottom, and I thought, there's just no 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:59.520 fucking way, and I grabbed it. And I'm not kidding you, 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:00.960 standing straight up. 0:10:01.120 --> 0:10:02.600 Was it a freshier and oldie like? 0:10:02.720 --> 0:10:04.920 It was pretty freshy. It was the worst. 0:10:04.920 --> 0:10:07.480 And I looked at it and the what went through 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:10.439 my mind was do I hit this and not tell anyone, 0:10:10.760 --> 0:10:12.000 or do I go find my friend? 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:14.600 So we hit it together, meaning me meaning my sister. 0:10:14.960 --> 0:10:17.000 He wanted to bring me down with him. 0:10:17.160 --> 0:10:19.720 And right when I'm thinking this, I'm looking at it 0:10:19.800 --> 0:10:21.480 and Mom walks. 0:10:21.320 --> 0:10:24.240 In and I was like, I'm trying to pape. I 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:26.520 just ratted myself. I was like, I didn't know what 0:10:26.520 --> 0:10:26.720 to do. 0:10:27.280 --> 0:10:28.679 You had a babe because I didn't have my g 0:10:28.960 --> 0:10:30.560 She didn't even care, but I just looked at her. 0:10:30.920 --> 0:10:34.440 I was essentially blind, like jilty, and I was. 0:10:34.440 --> 0:10:37.200 Like, what though, I don't know, he looks like in 0:10:37.200 --> 0:10:37.760 the headline. 0:10:38.200 --> 0:10:40.440 I wanted to hit the fape but knowing it wasn't right. 0:10:41.240 --> 0:10:44.880 But I A, so you did. No. I I wanted 0:10:44.880 --> 0:10:46.680 to hit it but knowing it wasn't right, And so 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:49.280 I was like, do I ask my friend kid with 0:10:49.480 --> 0:10:51.440 hen and the cook or do I I was. 0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:53.920 I was like, oh no, and Lisa comes out. She goes, 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:56.679 he hit it. I know he hit the vape and 0:10:56.720 --> 0:10:58.760 I was like, he says he did it. Mom, No, 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:02.840 he looked guilt. I'm like, that's just contemplating, and that 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:05.440 contemplations like that, the thoughts. 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:07.319 Yeah, if you want to know, it's so sadenalty. 0:11:07.440 --> 0:11:10.360 After that happened, we threw it in the trash, I know, 0:11:11.120 --> 0:11:13.480 and then that's when the real downhill spirals. 0:11:13.480 --> 0:11:16.920 So you guys. It was such a struggle to not 0:11:17.080 --> 0:11:20.880 hit it that I had to put Sosa's dirty diapers 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:24.800 on top of it in the trash outside the big 0:11:24.880 --> 0:11:28.480 daddies that get emptied by a garbage truck, just so 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:33.120 I wouldn't hit it, and that garbage it filled diapers. 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:37.720 And even then I was like, chlorox, I still could 0:11:37.760 --> 0:11:42.360 if I can still reach it, chlorox white, and whatever 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:44.880 comes with it comes with it. So instead of anybody 0:11:44.960 --> 0:11:47.880 riding in wanting to shame us, my mother does enough 0:11:47.920 --> 0:11:50.280 of that for all of you. So I'd prefer to 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:53.240 hear about your guys' struggles so we can relate and 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:56.480 work together. But I'm getting rid of it. No, yes, 0:11:56.520 --> 0:11:58.880 you can. To people who are like I'm. 0:11:58.440 --> 0:12:00.680 Trying, but a cocktail night it helps me. 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:04.600 I'm like, well, please, if you can drink, please, don't please. 0:12:05.280 --> 0:12:08.160 If you can, then you just make me angry. 0:12:08.720 --> 0:12:14.840 You just got that zero alcohol was shot. 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:22.199 You started taking shots of non alcoholic beverages. Very disgusting. 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:24.600 Didn't look good. 0:12:24.800 --> 0:12:25.080 It was. 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:29.280 It wasn't good. It tasted the equivalent alcohol. 0:12:29.559 --> 0:12:33.400 It scratches the itch of just the but it's just 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:40.480 the hand motion, sobriety. It's just its own different journey. 0:12:40.720 --> 0:12:43.840 So anybody who's like smoking the vape but can also 0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:48.520 like go and have a drink, it's just different. Like 0:12:48.720 --> 0:12:53.440 I can't even take night Quill without because it puts 0:12:53.480 --> 0:12:56.760 you into you know, I mean people like sip that 0:12:57.000 --> 0:13:01.120 ship on ice off medicine. There there's nothing that I 0:13:01.160 --> 0:13:03.959 can really do if I'm having anxiety or I'm struggling 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:06.880 with depression going into a doctor and having them prescribe 0:13:06.920 --> 0:13:11.200 me something like slippery slope. So the vape is just 0:13:11.280 --> 0:13:13.880 what I turned to in a time where I was 0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:17.480 just trying to like not pick up a drink, and 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:21.160 it was the worst move that I ever made. But 0:13:21.240 --> 0:13:25.160 then I think about the alternative, which could possibly have 0:13:25.320 --> 0:13:29.480 been drinking again. So I'm not trying to justify smoking 0:13:29.559 --> 0:13:29.960 the vape. 0:13:30.040 --> 0:13:33.840 It's just I'm trying to justify my sobriety, trying to explain, 0:13:34.040 --> 0:13:38.679 trying to keep the mind of yeah, like it was. 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:44.760 I have only had this moment one time where I 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:48.160 was in Puerto Rico and I was newly sober, and 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:51.520 I was really tweaking out on the mini bar and 0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:55.080 I kept thinking no one would ever know, like I 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:57.000 could drink right now and no one would ever know. 0:13:57.520 --> 0:13:59.400 And it got to the point where like, even after 0:13:59.480 --> 0:14:03.040 calling my sponsor, it didn't help, and she said, you 0:14:03.240 --> 0:14:05.079 have to call room service right now and have them 0:14:05.080 --> 0:14:07.600 clean out that many bar. And that's what I did, 0:14:07.679 --> 0:14:10.320 because I was going to drink and I didn't have 0:14:10.360 --> 0:14:14.120 a vape on me. In fact, my ex's dad sent 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:17.720 an entire box of vapes from Miami to Puerto Rico 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:21.280 because I was tweaking out so badly. So cut to 0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:25.160 when I'm in Mexico with the girls. It wasn't that intense, 0:14:25.200 --> 0:14:29.360 but we were driving into Cago, like the town where 0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:31.920 you go and you can go to little bars, and 0:14:33.280 --> 0:14:36.240 we were going on a boat and the girls had 0:14:36.280 --> 0:14:39.680 started drinking, and I was passing these like really fun 0:14:39.800 --> 0:14:42.560 Mexican restaurants and bars with these people and I'm like, oh, 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:45.400 they're like bar hopping and that looks like so much fun. 0:14:45.440 --> 0:14:48.080 And there was a moment that I was not thinking 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:50.280 of picking up a drink, but a thought process that 0:14:50.360 --> 0:14:54.600 I have not had. And by the time we were 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:56.600 getting off the boat, I was like, well, I'm glad 0:14:56.640 --> 0:14:59.480 I don't drink, but that was scary for me because 0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:00.920 I haven't experience that before. 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:04.200 Yeah, well, those people most most of those people in 0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:08.280 those little bars know their limits exactly right. 0:15:08.560 --> 0:15:10.640 That's the difference, That is the difference. But that's the 0:15:10.680 --> 0:15:13.560 alcoholic mind of like, I've beat this, I can have one, 0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:16.040 and then I have to walk myself through my rock 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:19.120 bottom moment of once you have one, you're going to 0:15:19.400 --> 0:15:22.240 love the feeling and you're going to continue and tomorrow 0:15:22.240 --> 0:15:24.600 you're going to wake up and regret every second. And 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:26.920 not only will you regret it, the shame is going 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:29.440 to sink in. And you've started at your twenty four 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:32.360 hour bitch again in the program and that I just 0:15:32.520 --> 0:15:34.360 don't want to have. 0:15:34.480 --> 0:15:36.200 Well, I'm proud of both of you, so you know, 0:15:36.360 --> 0:15:38.600 I know that you're vaping, but I'm proud you don't pick. 0:15:38.440 --> 0:15:40.680 Up a drink. I will give up the vight mom 0:15:41.480 --> 0:15:45.520 for my for my children. And this is going to 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:49.800 sound horrible. Unfortunately that has been very hard. Even thinking 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:54.560 like my kids need me, you know, and I should 0:15:54.600 --> 0:15:59.240 give it up for that. That hasn't worked me. Saying 0:15:59.240 --> 0:16:02.280 that it's I have to do it for myself and 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:06.320 vanity is what I think is going to catapult me 0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:07.840 into having to give it up. 0:16:09.400 --> 0:16:11.400 Yeah, and you have a good reason to give it up. 0:16:11.880 --> 0:16:14.080 No one ever pick up the vape. If you have 0:16:14.160 --> 0:16:17.920 not picked it up, don't pick it up. It's awful, 0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:35.240 it's disgusting, and it's so good, as everyone knows. I've 0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:38.680 talked about this on vander Pump. My my ex and 0:16:38.760 --> 0:16:43.080 I don't co parent. We parallel parent. What happens at 0:16:43.120 --> 0:16:46.400 his house is none of my business. What happens at 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:49.440 my house is none of his business. But there was 0:16:49.720 --> 0:16:53.680 something that bothered me so much over the weekend. And 0:16:53.720 --> 0:16:56.000 this is where it gets really hard when you can't 0:16:56.000 --> 0:16:59.880 have a co parenting relationship. As you know, we communicate 0:17:00.160 --> 0:17:03.680 the app. Still there's like no calls, no conversation, even 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:07.720 though I did attempt to call this weekend. So it 0:17:07.880 --> 0:17:10.400 was a Friday, and I'm getting all of these calls 0:17:10.680 --> 0:17:15.880 from moms at school and the school saying Ocean has 0:17:15.920 --> 0:17:19.879 invited the entire or has invited a few friends to 0:17:21.240 --> 0:17:24.719 her birthday party that's happening on Saturday, and moms are 0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:27.920 expressing concern because it's like not even twenty four hours 0:17:28.400 --> 0:17:31.640 before this party is happening, and I'm confused because I'm like, well, 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:33.720 number one, I know that this school has a policy 0:17:33.760 --> 0:17:36.600 that if this is a birthday party, or even a 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:39.440 party in any capacity, you have to invite the entire class. 0:17:39.680 --> 0:17:42.800 You have to be inclusive, either the entire I love 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:45.720 I love it. I have no issue with that at all. 0:17:46.040 --> 0:17:47.960 So you can either invite the whole class or it 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:50.840 can just be girls. But you can't invite one boy 0:17:51.119 --> 0:17:55.560 unless you want to invite the entire class. So my 0:17:55.680 --> 0:17:57.640 daughter's walking around talking about this. I get a call 0:17:57.680 --> 0:17:59.040 from one of my friends and she's like, I just 0:17:59.040 --> 0:18:04.280 feel really badly because she's inviting everybody. But as you know, 0:18:04.480 --> 0:18:07.600 I mean in our group chat for the school, people 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:10.399 are already setting out save the dates for birthdays that 0:18:10.440 --> 0:18:15.080 are happening in March and April, so people are planning ahead. 0:18:15.359 --> 0:18:18.959 There's a lot of planning involved. So I'm blowing him up. 0:18:19.040 --> 0:18:22.080 I'm blowing the nanny up. I'm like, hey, this carnival 0:18:22.160 --> 0:18:25.160 sounds amazing, Just to let you know, I don't want 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:28.119 you catching smoke from the school. You have to invite 0:18:28.119 --> 0:18:34.080 the entire class. Well, no one responds. I have multiple 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:36.959 people saying that they can't go, and now I'm tabbing 0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:41.639 into I'm pissed off because while this is amazing, you 0:18:41.760 --> 0:18:44.480 have given people no time, and my daughter has walked 0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:48.960 into school talking about this, inviting everybody she's going to 0:18:49.080 --> 0:18:52.159 think tomorrow at her carnival, which at this point in 0:18:52.200 --> 0:18:55.040 time she thinks is her birthday party, and no one 0:18:55.080 --> 0:19:00.560 shows up that this is a her thing, and not 0:19:00.760 --> 0:19:05.840 that her other parent just didn't send out the info 0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:08.640 in time. And I'm trying to convey this over and 0:19:08.760 --> 0:19:11.960 over again, and he's like, I think it's adorable that 0:19:12.000 --> 0:19:15.280 she invited the whole class and her teachers, And in 0:19:15.280 --> 0:19:18.439 my head, I'm like, it's not adorable. It's adorable that 0:19:18.480 --> 0:19:20.880 she did that. They have no fucking details, all right, 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:23.320 So I'm angry. Then I get a call from Amber 0:19:24.000 --> 0:19:29.760 that Riley has one hundred and three fever and is 0:19:29.920 --> 0:19:33.320 suffering from the flu. And now I'm even more pissed 0:19:33.359 --> 0:19:35.960 because not only did you not send out invites, but 0:19:36.000 --> 0:19:39.359 you continue to have the party when my freaking child 0:19:39.600 --> 0:19:44.879 was exposed to her sister. She's now going to expose 0:19:45.080 --> 0:19:48.480 her friends, who are now going to expose everyone else. 0:19:49.320 --> 0:19:51.320 And I'm like, you have to keep her at your house. 0:19:51.400 --> 0:19:56.920 My you know, Sosa is seventeen months old. She gets this. 0:19:56.920 --> 0:20:02.159 This is a really big fucking problem. So I just 0:20:02.280 --> 0:20:06.200 continue to try my best to keep everyone in the loop. 0:20:06.800 --> 0:20:10.840 It is so hard to co parent. It is so 0:20:10.960 --> 0:20:15.880 hard to navigate just like your child's feelings. I'm I'm 0:20:16.080 --> 0:20:18.399 on edge, being like when she comes back to me, 0:20:19.040 --> 0:20:22.080 she's resilient as fuck. You know this, mom, She's gonna 0:20:22.080 --> 0:20:23.840 come back and she will have had the time of 0:20:23.880 --> 0:20:25.600 her life. She could have had one friend show up 0:20:25.600 --> 0:20:30.560 and all is good. But I just keep thinking, like, 0:20:31.520 --> 0:20:34.440 thank God that ocean is the product of the two 0:20:34.480 --> 0:20:36.560 of us, because if so so were the product of 0:20:36.600 --> 0:20:39.520 the two of us, this would be really, really bad. 0:20:40.520 --> 0:20:44.320 Just knowing personality is. 0:20:44.240 --> 0:20:48.359 A very delicate Yeah, this is delicate. You hurt her 0:20:48.359 --> 0:20:51.639 feelings by telling her no, or putting your finger on her, 0:20:51.920 --> 0:20:55.159 or you look at you look at her, tell her no. 0:20:55.400 --> 0:20:59.680 She looks at you and goes whatever. There's just something 0:20:59.720 --> 0:21:02.760 about words. Yeah, she listens, but you can't affect her. 0:21:03.000 --> 0:21:07.240 I think everyone, I think everyone has experienced a point 0:21:07.280 --> 0:21:11.040 in parenting where you explode and feel very badly about it. 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:12.640 So I'm gonna tell a story and I don't care 0:21:12.640 --> 0:21:15.800