WEBVTT - Stop Money Arguments In Their Tracks #440 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.040 Welcome to How the Money. I'm Joel and Dine Matt 0:00:03.160 --> 0:00:05.840 and today we want to talk about how to stop money, 0:00:05.920 --> 0:00:28.160 arguments in their tracks stopping it and it's tracks. Joel, 0:00:28.160 --> 0:00:29.720 did you ever see I don't know the name of 0:00:29.760 --> 0:00:31.560 this Western, but I remember seeing this as a kid. 0:00:31.640 --> 0:00:34.120 But like this is it's an old Western, bunch of cowboys. 0:00:34.159 --> 0:00:36.640 I think they greased up these railroad tracks. Uh. And 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:39.600 they tied rope across the tracks that were tied to trees, 0:00:39.680 --> 0:00:42.879 like a bunch of them, like after the other one. Uh. 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:45.400 And that's how they stopped this train literally with ropes, 0:00:45.560 --> 0:00:47.760 with ropes well, and and like the tracks were greased, 0:00:47.840 --> 0:00:49.680 you know, like you only have one engine like at 0:00:49.680 --> 0:00:52.000 the beginning, and so as long as you know, if 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:55.200 it's lost traction, that train ain't going anywhere. I think 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:58.320 that's how they got the money. Does this ring a 0:00:58.360 --> 0:01:00.280 bell to you? Know? You never saw it. I have 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:02.400 no idea this movie. If you know what the movie is, though, 0:01:02.440 --> 0:01:05.200 maybe email in and uh let us know that I 0:01:05.200 --> 0:01:08.280 have this vivid picture of this heist. But enough about 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:10.960 bank robbery. Let's we're gonna talk about I wouldn't know 0:01:11.000 --> 0:01:13.440 the first thing about Robin trains, but people don't do 0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:15.520 that anymore, right, That's that's true. It's a relative of 0:01:15.560 --> 0:01:19.400 bygone era, that's true. Uh yeah, So this episode, we're 0:01:19.400 --> 0:01:22.200 gonna talk all about relationships. We're gonna talk about how 0:01:22.319 --> 0:01:26.360 it is uh maybe stopping arguments in their tracks, but specifically, 0:01:26.360 --> 0:01:28.319 we're gonna talk about how to power through, how to 0:01:28.360 --> 0:01:31.080 work through these different arguments and disagreements that we might 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:34.520 have with a significant other. And I'm actually really looking 0:01:34.520 --> 0:01:35.920 forward to this episode. Man, I think this is gonna 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:37.200 be a good one. Yes, it's not something we talked 0:01:37.200 --> 0:01:40.040 about a whole lot of money in relationships are are crucial. 0:01:40.080 --> 0:01:42.440 They form an important part of how we relate to 0:01:42.480 --> 0:01:44.800 the people that are closest to us, and money issues 0:01:44.840 --> 0:01:47.400 can cause a lot of problems, so it's important to 0:01:47.400 --> 0:01:49.360 figure out how we work do those things. Well, that's 0:01:49.360 --> 0:01:50.960 what we're gonna talk about today. Before we get that, 0:01:51.040 --> 0:01:54.640 put our couple's counseling hats on for just us. One episode. 0:01:54.640 --> 0:01:57.000 I was gonna say, we're not licensed therapists, so, um, 0:01:57.320 --> 0:01:59.880 don't expect that from us. My wife is in school 0:01:59.880 --> 0:02:02.040 to be come a license therapist. Maybe it's rubbing off 0:02:02.040 --> 0:02:04.480 on me a little bit. We'll see. But before we 0:02:04.480 --> 0:02:06.880 get to that, I wanted to mention that we just 0:02:06.920 --> 0:02:10.119 got a new vacuum in our house, Matt, and it's impressive. 0:02:10.480 --> 0:02:13.480 So is this your wise Yeah, okay, yeah, So we've 0:02:13.520 --> 0:02:15.640 talked about the cameras, both the cameras which are awesome, 0:02:15.639 --> 0:02:18.560 which are like thirty bucks, very affordable, very affordable. D 0:02:19.200 --> 0:02:21.480 you slot in the little SD card and then you 0:02:21.480 --> 0:02:24.520 don't have to pay for a monthly recurring bill for 0:02:24.800 --> 0:02:27.520 video monitoring, if that's what you're looking forth. Exactly. Back 0:02:27.520 --> 0:02:29.560 in time, we used our wives as a as a 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:32.359 baby monitor, and I was I just liked how the 0:02:32.720 --> 0:02:36.080 company was making really good stuff for just incredibly low prices. 0:02:36.320 --> 0:02:40.639 And they recently released one of those like cordless stick vacuums, 0:02:41.040 --> 0:02:44.119 kind of like the disons. I think Dison really pioneered those. 0:02:44.480 --> 0:02:48.239 But those are five bucks. Those are really expensive, really expensive. 0:02:48.480 --> 0:02:50.880 I thought maybe you got that. They sold a robot 0:02:50.919 --> 0:02:53.040 vacuum like a little They do also some of those, 0:02:53.600 --> 0:02:56.560 although we did not buy that one. But yeah, so 0:02:56.760 --> 0:02:58.400 I was like, all right, they're releasing this one. There 0:02:58.400 --> 0:03:00.760 was a special pre order price. I think it was 0:03:00.800 --> 0:03:02.760 a hundred dollars. I want to say four, and I 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:04.840 was like, well, this, this is, this is It's worth 0:03:04.840 --> 0:03:07.960 giving this a shot, because you know, I've been impressed 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:11.440 with their stuff before. That's really cheap for a stick vacuum. 0:03:11.480 --> 0:03:14.239 And and the other thing is apparently what goes wrong 0:03:14.280 --> 0:03:17.280 with those vacuums most of the time is a dead battery. 0:03:17.320 --> 0:03:19.400 Like the battery just goes to crap, and then you 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:21.600 have to replace the entire vacuum. Well not with the 0:03:21.600 --> 0:03:24.480 wise because the battery is detachable, so you can order 0:03:24.520 --> 0:03:27.600 a new battery. Like as the battery life deteriorates on 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:30.440 that vacuum, you can order a new battery. That's all right, 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:33.360 that's right. All there's new batteries a hundred dollars. I 0:03:33.400 --> 0:03:36.560 think they're half the price, which is about the same 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:39.600 with like an electric bicycle. The batteries about half the 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:43.600 cost of the battery. Technology ain't cheap. But but so 0:03:43.720 --> 0:03:45.880 I just want to say, we've been thoroughly impressed with 0:03:45.880 --> 0:03:48.480 this vacuum. I don't think of myself as a vacuum 0:03:48.480 --> 0:03:53.040 connoisseur necessarily, but which I do. I'm really into vacuum. 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:54.360 All right, Well you have to come over, and you said, 0:03:54.440 --> 0:03:55.640 let me know your thoughts give it a whir else 0:03:55.640 --> 0:03:57.240 see what kind of section this thing's gotta going on. 0:03:57.320 --> 0:03:58.680 I mean, I don't think that they're not quite as 0:03:58.680 --> 0:04:01.920 powerful as just like a leafblower that you plug into 0:04:02.000 --> 0:04:04.320 a wall outlet. It's going to be more powerful than 0:04:04.360 --> 0:04:06.680 the battery power, right, And it's the same thing with 0:04:06.720 --> 0:04:08.960 the vacuum. Quarter vacuum is probably gonna have a bit 0:04:08.960 --> 0:04:11.160 more suction going on, exactly. I mean, it's hard to 0:04:11.160 --> 0:04:13.720 beat the brush roll too of a plugged in vacuumcause 0:04:13.720 --> 0:04:16.240 those things like will beat the crap out of a carpet. Yes, 0:04:16.839 --> 0:04:18.839 that's how it knocks up on the dirt exactly us. 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:20.520 So I will say this, it doesn't quite have that 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:24.520 going for it. And the battery life isn't super long 0:04:24.560 --> 0:04:26.960 on any of these vacuums, including the Wise vacuum. So 0:04:27.160 --> 0:04:28.719 if that's not your jam, if you're like I like 0:04:28.720 --> 0:04:31.800 the vacuum for hours on end, this was probably not 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:33.200 gonna do it for you. And so I mean you're 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:35.320 mostly probably using this one just for like spot cleaning, 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:37.560 right where it's like, oh, there's a big mess, kids 0:04:37.760 --> 0:04:40.839 spilled some sparkles or something like that, sprinkles, I don't know, 0:04:41.160 --> 0:04:43.320 and cleaning cleaning the car too, which I will say 0:04:43.360 --> 0:04:46.800 the portability for car cleaning is really nice. Well, thank 0:04:46.800 --> 0:04:48.640 you for sharing that, and you'll have to report back 0:04:48.640 --> 0:04:50.480 as to how well it holds up, because if you 0:04:50.520 --> 0:04:53.080 have to buy that fifty dollar battery in like five months, 0:04:53.480 --> 0:04:56.240 maybe Wise has got a racket. But they've proven themselves 0:04:56.240 --> 0:04:59.880 to be a good new company for selling these gadgets 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:03.039 basically that other companies are selling for a lot more money. 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:04.960 That's right, Yeah, So I just want to make people 0:05:04.960 --> 0:05:06.599 aware of that. I'll link to the one that we bought, 0:05:06.880 --> 0:05:08.120 you know, in the show notes if you want to 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:10.400 check it out. But for us, at least so far, 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:12.960 it's it's been great and saved us a lot of 0:05:13.000 --> 0:05:16.880 money over the much more expensive versions. Good move, dude. 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:18.839 All right, let's mention the beer that we're gonna have 0:05:18.880 --> 0:05:20.880 on this episode. This first of all, was sent to 0:05:21.000 --> 0:05:23.839 us by Jason. He's up there in New York near 0:05:23.880 --> 0:05:27.400 the Rochester location of the Other Half Brewing, which we've 0:05:27.560 --> 0:05:29.640 are a huge fan of their beers. And so the 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:31.599 name of this beer dual you said was dank. It 0:05:31.640 --> 0:05:35.719 actually is so above it says can and dank. So 0:05:35.760 --> 0:05:37.920 he said it's a play on words of a lake 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:40.760 up there. It's like canea or something like that. I 0:05:40.760 --> 0:05:43.560 don't know even know how you say, but it's a 0:05:43.640 --> 0:05:45.920 pun uh, And that's what this beer is named after. 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:48.720 So well, the other half makes fantastic beers. And I'm 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:51.320 looking forward to trying this I p a with you 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:53.240 on the show today, Matt. We'll talk about it at 0:05:53.240 --> 0:05:55.200 the end of the episode. Absolutely, all right, let's let's 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:57.080 move on. Let's get to the topic at hand. Let's 0:05:57.120 --> 0:06:01.200 talk about money arguments, how to not necessarily stop them 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:02.960 in their tracks, but how to maybe make them more 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:06.360 productive and have them less frequently. And it turns out 0:06:06.360 --> 0:06:10.960 that the highest predictor for marriage failure is money. It 0:06:11.000 --> 0:06:13.839 fights about money. How often we fight about money? And 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:17.080 that might surprise you, it might not, but stats show 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:19.920 that the couples that communicate the most poorly about money, 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:22.880 that fight the most frequently, end up divorcing more frequently. 0:06:23.120 --> 0:06:25.119 And so Matt and I we think that this means 0:06:25.200 --> 0:06:27.920 that whether you're married, whether you're not married, we've got 0:06:27.920 --> 0:06:30.679 to communicate. We've got to work to communicate better about 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:33.640 money as couples. And so yeah, we'll mostly be talking 0:06:33.640 --> 0:06:37.400 about long term partner dynamics in this episode, we just 0:06:37.480 --> 0:06:39.800 often fight more with the person that we're closest to 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:41.760 and that that we do with anyone else on earth. 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:44.360 And I think that's that's mostly because we spend more 0:06:44.360 --> 0:06:47.280 time with them than anyone else, right, but it's also 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:50.760 because the stakes are the highest in that relationship. And yeah, 0:06:50.760 --> 0:06:53.279 since money is the number one issue that married folks 0:06:53.360 --> 0:06:56.400 fight about, and since a third of Americans report having 0:06:56.720 --> 0:06:59.600 major conflicts around the areas of money in their relationship, 0:07:00.040 --> 0:07:03.240 it's worth discussing um and good chunk of the other 0:07:03.279 --> 0:07:06.599 two thirds are probably experiencing at least some money issues 0:07:06.640 --> 0:07:09.400 as well. So yeah, I think it's important for us 0:07:09.400 --> 0:07:11.320 to cover mat because this is one of those things 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:14.120 that really affects all of us. Even the folks that 0:07:14.160 --> 0:07:16.520 feel like they're handling money decently, well, that's right, they're 0:07:16.520 --> 0:07:18.280 just faking it. We know that they're dealing with these 0:07:18.280 --> 0:07:20.800 issues as well. Yeah, so we're talking about stopping these 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:23.000 arguments of their tracks. We even thought about naming this 0:07:23.040 --> 0:07:26.040 episode avoiding these money arguments. But the fact is we're 0:07:26.080 --> 0:07:28.680 we're not saying that you should strive towards never having 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:31.600 a disagreement with your partner. We think that different opinions 0:07:31.640 --> 0:07:34.880 are really important when it comes to decisions with your money. Like, 0:07:34.920 --> 0:07:37.280 it probably means that, like that you're gonna lead a 0:07:37.320 --> 0:07:40.920 more adventurous and fulfilling life if you are both able 0:07:40.920 --> 0:07:44.560 to approach a situation with different perspectives in mind. Um, 0:07:44.600 --> 0:07:46.520 you know, life might be a little boring if you 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:49.040 were both exactly the same. But when you do have 0:07:49.120 --> 0:07:52.080 these disagreements, it's important that you approach those situations with 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:56.160 a a foundation of trust and of respect. That's going 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:59.560 to be essential to fostering healthy conflict, right, Like, that's 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:02.480 the difference between unhealthy conflict and healthy conflict is how 0:08:02.680 --> 0:08:06.080 you approach these disagreements. And we want to engage well 0:08:06.520 --> 0:08:09.960 in this healthy conflict so that we avoid these destructive 0:08:10.000 --> 0:08:13.080 patterns within our relationships as well as with our money. 0:08:13.200 --> 0:08:15.320 And so we want to work towards not only growing 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:18.880 our wealth, but growing and strengthening our relationships too. And 0:08:18.920 --> 0:08:21.160 it's difficult for any real growth to occur when there 0:08:21.200 --> 0:08:24.000 aren't actually some growing pains. Yeah, man, it makes me 0:08:24.040 --> 0:08:25.760 think about like when my kids have a hard time 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:28.680 sleeping night, when they constantly complain about aches and their 0:08:28.760 --> 0:08:31.560 legs or their arms, And I'm like, you're growing right now, 0:08:31.560 --> 0:08:35.160 like you're going through a growth spurt. And I think 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:38.280 arguments and disagreements are two different things, right, Like we 0:08:38.320 --> 0:08:42.240 want to prevent the non knockdown, drag out fights. We 0:08:42.240 --> 0:08:45.840 we don't want our listeners engaged in unhealthy ways of 0:08:45.880 --> 0:08:49.480 communicating about money on the rig. But friction is necessary, 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:51.880 right in order to make progress. Like you said, it's 0:08:52.640 --> 0:08:56.280 we want to grow as a couple, uh, towards each 0:08:56.320 --> 0:08:59.040 other in an area that has a lot of potential 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:02.000 for conflict. But it doesn't mean I think you're right, 0:09:02.040 --> 0:09:07.160 like avoidance altogether is just as unhealthy as constant conflict. 0:09:07.240 --> 0:09:09.280 We want to be able to make sure that we're 0:09:09.280 --> 0:09:12.360 having those conversations in a healthy way. Yeah, it's it's 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:14.120 so it makes me think of exercise, right, because if 0:09:14.120 --> 0:09:17.119 you have somebody who's thinking, Okay, I don't want exercise 0:09:17.160 --> 0:09:19.000 because I don't want to be sore, and so they're 0:09:19.000 --> 0:09:21.200 just avoiding it all together. They're sitting on the couch. Well, 0:09:21.280 --> 0:09:24.400 turns out eventually at some point they're gonna be hurting, 0:09:25.040 --> 0:09:27.400 whether it's because their heart is in bad shape or 0:09:27.480 --> 0:09:29.840 their body is aching because they're not staying physically active. 0:09:29.840 --> 0:09:31.960 We all know that exercise is going to lead to 0:09:32.480 --> 0:09:34.640 better outcomes when it comes to our physical health, and 0:09:34.679 --> 0:09:36.880 so in the same way, like we want to engage 0:09:36.920 --> 0:09:39.359 in a healthy way when it comes to these disagreements 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:41.959 with our money. And honestly, on the flip side, I 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:43.800 think the same thing is true as well if you 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:47.439 have somebody who is maybe too engaged with their body 0:09:47.480 --> 0:09:49.200 when it comes to working out, Like we know people 0:09:49.240 --> 0:09:52.800 who have injured themselves because they're just maybe overtaxing their bodies. 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:54.600 I get accused of being too ripped all the time. 0:09:55.360 --> 0:09:58.040 You are not the accused here, but there are some 0:09:58.200 --> 0:09:59.760 I mean, and also too if you're doing it in 0:10:00.000 --> 0:10:03.200 ely right, Like if your technique is wrong, you could 0:10:03.200 --> 0:10:05.640 really jack your body in a bad way. And the 0:10:05.679 --> 0:10:07.640 same thing can be true with not only your money, 0:10:07.679 --> 0:10:10.880 but your relationships as well. If you are approaching a 0:10:10.920 --> 0:10:13.240 conversation about money and you're just being too abrasive, you're 0:10:13.240 --> 0:10:15.439 being too over the top, that could be a situation 0:10:15.520 --> 0:10:18.400 where you're not able to recover, and that could permanently 0:10:18.559 --> 0:10:21.040 harm that relationship. It's uh, like you know, when you 0:10:21.040 --> 0:10:23.360 work out, there are these small micro tears that happened 0:10:23.360 --> 0:10:26.560 to your muscles, right, and like those small but measured 0:10:26.679 --> 0:10:28.800 tears are what allow your muscles to grow and for 0:10:28.840 --> 0:10:31.160 you to get stronger. That's what we want to do 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:33.079 when it comes to these different conflicts in our lives. 0:10:33.120 --> 0:10:34.800 We want to lean into them. We we want to 0:10:34.840 --> 0:10:36.560 do them. H We don't want to avoid them, but 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:39.080 we also don't want to go to the other extreme 0:10:39.080 --> 0:10:41.880 as well. Yeah, that's how you grow and have a 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:44.160 meaning for relationship when you can tackle hard things together 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:46.440 in a positive way, when you can lean into that 0:10:46.480 --> 0:10:49.000 discomfort and disagreement and not let it get the best 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:52.320 of you. And I think, Matt, one of the reasons 0:10:52.400 --> 0:10:57.439 that people so often run towards avoidance of money conflict 0:10:57.520 --> 0:11:00.520 is because we're not taught about money growing up, whether 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:03.640 it's in school or from our parents. Most of us 0:11:03.679 --> 0:11:06.320 are figuring out on our own through trial and error, 0:11:06.679 --> 0:11:09.520 and we're making we're making screw ups a lot of 0:11:09.520 --> 0:11:12.040 the time. We're we're not handling money well, and so 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:15.640 we're embarrassed. We feel ashamed, and that lack of knowledge, 0:11:15.679 --> 0:11:19.840 along with that unhealthy dose of shame, uh, really impacts 0:11:20.200 --> 0:11:22.960 our relationships when it comes to how we talk about money. 0:11:23.000 --> 0:11:26.040 I think it leads to this unhealthy cycle of making 0:11:26.040 --> 0:11:28.920 a mistake and then trying to maybe cover it up 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:32.080 or just not talk about it or get defensive when 0:11:32.200 --> 0:11:34.640 it gets brought up with our significant other. And I 0:11:34.640 --> 0:11:37.320 think that's one important point to to mention. It's an 0:11:37.360 --> 0:11:41.319 important thing to recognize in yourself and realize that shame 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:43.839 might be impacting some of the ways in which you're 0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:45.720 talking about money with the person that you love. Yeah, 0:11:45.720 --> 0:11:48.000 it's important to be vulnerable and not feel like that 0:11:48.040 --> 0:11:50.240 you have to have all of your stuff figured out 0:11:50.240 --> 0:11:52.360 before you start having these conversations. And I think a 0:11:52.400 --> 0:11:54.520 lot of times we can feel the need to make 0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:57.040 sure everything's in shape, especially like if it's a couple 0:11:57.080 --> 0:11:59.320 who maybe is dating before they are in a committed, 0:11:59.280 --> 0:12:01.920 a long term relationship, before they've gotten financially naked, there 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:04.199 might be a desire to get all that stuff figured 0:12:04.240 --> 0:12:06.960 out before they start having those conversations. But we feel 0:12:06.960 --> 0:12:09.160 that it's important to start having these conversations and to 0:12:09.240 --> 0:12:11.760 start opening those lines of communication to start working for 0:12:11.800 --> 0:12:14.480 positive changes in our lives. And you know, as we 0:12:14.559 --> 0:12:16.079 kind of launch into some of these different arguments, we 0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:18.719 wanted to mention too that not all of these disagreements, 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:21.760 and not all of these arguments are actually about money. 0:12:22.080 --> 0:12:24.520 Fights we we have. They might seem like that they're 0:12:24.520 --> 0:12:27.680 about money, and honestly, in truth, sometimes they are. But 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:30.640 while money is the topic that is generating the heated 0:12:30.640 --> 0:12:33.320 discussion in the moment, there are a lot of other 0:12:33.360 --> 0:12:35.960 factors at play. It's so it's important to recognize that 0:12:36.120 --> 0:12:38.839 so that we don't think that just simply more money 0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:42.679 is going to magically fix our problems. More money is 0:12:42.720 --> 0:12:44.880 not a cure all uh, And so just keep in 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:46.880 mind that there's more at play here than just a 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:50.120 busted budget. We want you to as you're thinking through 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:52.880 some of these different disagreements, to truly like figure out 0:12:52.960 --> 0:12:55.200 what is at the core of the disagreement, because in 0:12:55.240 --> 0:12:57.640 these instances, if you're only focusing on the money, you're 0:12:57.679 --> 0:13:00.560 focusing on the symptom of the problem here, you're focusing 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:03.240 at what is truly at the core. And just a 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:07.560 standard regular counselor who specializes in couples therapy, that is 0:13:07.559 --> 0:13:10.000 the direction that we think could be more productive than 0:13:10.080 --> 0:13:12.720 just focusing on the money. Yeah, yeah, I agree, Matt. 0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:16.319 Not it might seem like these these issues, these arguments 0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:18.840 continue to bubble up around the topic of money, but 0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:21.959 there are likely other things at play underneath there. It 0:13:22.040 --> 0:13:24.840 might be consistently coming home at a different time then 0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:26.480 you say you're gonna come home like that. There could 0:13:26.520 --> 0:13:28.240 be There could be all of these other things that 0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:32.000 are fostering mistrust or or even producing resentment in a 0:13:32.000 --> 0:13:35.400 relationship that need to be tackled. And the argument might 0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:37.760 seem on it surface like it's about money, but there 0:13:37.760 --> 0:13:40.560 could be other stuff bubbling underneath. But at the same time, 0:13:40.880 --> 0:13:44.400 some of those arguments actually are about money. And you know, 0:13:44.440 --> 0:13:47.439 as we all know, money stress can negatively impact your health, 0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:51.280 and those frequent arguments often lead to worse outcomes in 0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:54.640 your relationship and when it comes to your financial trajectory. 0:13:54.960 --> 0:13:57.720 So there might also be real issues that your family 0:13:57.760 --> 0:14:00.880 faces when it comes to your finances. You might not 0:14:00.960 --> 0:14:04.280 have enough margin right, You might not have enough money 0:14:04.360 --> 0:14:07.400 on hand, which leads to a lot of frustration and stress. 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:09.480 You might be in debt up to your eyeballs, which 0:14:09.679 --> 0:14:12.760 of course is going to cause actual arguments about money. 0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:15.360 You know that leads to more fights, and so doing 0:14:15.640 --> 0:14:18.040 the hard work of fixing your finances is going to 0:14:18.120 --> 0:14:20.920 go a long way towards making your relationship more peaceful. 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:24.400 You know, like Matt said, UH, solving the money angle 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:28.120 doesn't fix all of your fights instantaneously. But there are 0:14:28.160 --> 0:14:31.880 certain fights that are specifically UH come stem from money 0:14:31.880 --> 0:14:33.920 problems that will pop up, and we need to figure 0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:35.680 out how to address those two. That's right, and so 0:14:35.760 --> 0:14:38.840 let's get to uh the number one root cause of 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:42.400 so many money arguments, and that is when you're not 0:14:42.480 --> 0:14:45.240 on the same page with what you're striving after. And 0:14:45.280 --> 0:14:48.000 so if you and your partner, if you want different things, 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:50.200 if you want your money to end up into different places, 0:14:50.520 --> 0:14:53.520 that is bound to cause some friction. And again, we 0:14:53.560 --> 0:14:55.960 think that differences of opinion, you know, differences in the 0:14:56.040 --> 0:14:59.720 things that interests us uh and subsequently where we decide 0:14:59.760 --> 0:15:02.520 to end our money, those should be differences that we celebrate. 0:15:02.840 --> 0:15:05.000 After all, I'm guessing that at least some of those 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:08.520 differences are what attracted you to your partner, right, But 0:15:08.640 --> 0:15:10.720 we do need to make sure that our differences aren't 0:15:10.920 --> 0:15:13.720 bigger and more divisive than the values that we share. 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:15.720 And so that's why it's incredibly important for us to 0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:17.440 get on the same page when it comes to our 0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:19.880 money and our partner yea. So one suggestion we'd have 0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:21.960 when it comes to getting on the same page, since 0:15:22.000 --> 0:15:24.920 that is such a big problem and it will help 0:15:24.960 --> 0:15:27.920 curb some of these fights, is to separately write down 0:15:28.520 --> 0:15:30.520 each of your own top money goals. This is a 0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:32.800 great thing you can actually come back together. But we've 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:35.960 actually got a worksheet that can help you do just that, 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:37.480 and that will link to in the show notes that 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:39.920 Matt and I kind of crafted came up with that 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:42.440 helps you walk through some of your own personal desires 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:44.920 and then some of your desires when it comes to money, 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:48.440 how money impacts your life's mission. And then we would say, 0:15:48.480 --> 0:15:50.920 come together with those worksheets that you've done on your 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:53.720 own and start to discuss those hopes and dreams that 0:15:53.800 --> 0:15:57.280 you both have. There's a really good chance that there 0:15:57.280 --> 0:16:00.320 are some crucial commonalities on each of your sheets, right, 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:02.360 and so we would say, yeah, build on those so 0:16:02.400 --> 0:16:05.600 you can start heading in the same direction, because it's 0:16:05.600 --> 0:16:08.320 important to start building on the things that you already 0:16:08.320 --> 0:16:10.920 agree on. But what if you come back to that 0:16:10.960 --> 0:16:13.640 conversation with your partner after you've both filled out your 0:16:13.640 --> 0:16:16.400 own money mission statements and they are like some serious 0:16:16.440 --> 0:16:20.800 differences between what you've both identified as important goals. You 0:16:20.840 --> 0:16:24.280 feel like you're trains running in the opposite direction. That 0:16:24.280 --> 0:16:26.200 that could be a little awkward and lead to some 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:29.920 interesting conversations. Hopefully that's something that you do maybe before 0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:33.360 you've committed to a longer term relationship. Yeah, you have 0:16:33.440 --> 0:16:35.160 moving together, you have kids, all that kind of stuff, 0:16:35.160 --> 0:16:37.480 and it's like, wait a second, do I even know you? 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:40.000 Like you? Probably that's an awkward place to be. That's 0:16:40.000 --> 0:16:42.480 not where you want to end up. And it's definitely 0:16:42.520 --> 0:16:43.840 one of the reasons that you don't go on like 0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:45.880 one day with someone and then immediately get married, because 0:16:45.880 --> 0:16:48.360 you want to make sure you have commonalities, that you 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:51.320 have shared goals in a purpose. But Yeah, to take 0:16:51.520 --> 0:16:54.120 a more optimistic approach, we would say you can make 0:16:54.200 --> 0:16:58.360 up those differences through sacrifice and through putting the other person, 0:16:58.640 --> 0:17:01.960 through putting your partner ahead of yourself. And so it 0:17:02.080 --> 0:17:03.600 is going to it to be able to see some 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:05.760 of those shared goals on paper is going to be 0:17:05.800 --> 0:17:09.720 really helpful, um in helping you understand the main concerns 0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:12.679 and dreams of your partner. I think it's gonna help 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:14.800 you understand them a little bit better and hopefully help 0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:18.360 fuel positive conversation as opposed to just money arguments. Yeah, 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:20.639 and I like what used to do about sacrifice because like, honestly, 0:17:20.680 --> 0:17:23.000 I do feel that, Like, if there's anything I've learned 0:17:23.040 --> 0:17:25.879 over you know, many years of marriage is that I 0:17:25.880 --> 0:17:28.280 feel like it is less about compromise and it more 0:17:28.480 --> 0:17:32.280 it's more about sacrifice because it's about choosing to put 0:17:32.320 --> 0:17:34.480 whatever it is that you know your partner cares about 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:37.199 putting that first in your life. Right, Because if you 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:39.320 do that, and then if they also do that, and 0:17:39.359 --> 0:17:41.080 you're doing that because you want to see them happy, 0:17:41.080 --> 0:17:42.760 and they're doing that because they want to see you happy, 0:17:43.240 --> 0:17:46.119 it's like this, you know, it's this upward, uh endless 0:17:46.200 --> 0:17:49.879 cycle of relationship building and growing stronger as opposed to 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:52.440 if both always having to meet in the middle. It's like, yeah, 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:53.840 and so what I guess what I'm saying is like 0:17:53.840 --> 0:17:58.000 it's like a right as opposed to like fifty because 0:17:58.040 --> 0:17:59.960 on the other end of hundred is like each per 0:18:00.160 --> 0:18:02.480 in their own silo and being like, you know, only 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:04.440 being focused about what it is that they care about. 0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:07.240 And so like we're not saying that you will get 0:18:07.240 --> 0:18:09.560 to do all of the things that you want to 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:11.240 do right now for the rest of your life. But 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:13.760 what I'm getting at is that we can essentially change 0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:15.919 what it is that is important to us, and what 0:18:16.080 --> 0:18:18.840 is important to them then becomes what's important to us, 0:18:18.840 --> 0:18:21.760 and so ultimately they win and you win as well 0:18:21.760 --> 0:18:23.879 because you're happy that they're happy. Yeah, basically that that 0:18:24.000 --> 0:18:27.639 shared mutual sacrifice, it becomes a beautiful thing and it 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:30.639 and it creates something this healthy dynamic in your relationship 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:32.679 that wouldn't be possible if you were just trying to 0:18:32.680 --> 0:18:35.159