WEBVTT - I Wanna Be a Star 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.120 Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of our Heart Radio 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:16.840 and the Black Effects. Oh Ship we wanna air Welcome 0:00:16.880 --> 0:00:20.279 back to you. Got another Carefully Reckless episode with just 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:23.640 hilarious y'all, So we're gonna jump straight into it again. 0:00:23.760 --> 0:00:26.680 I am fixing mess and we have a voice recording 0:00:26.720 --> 0:00:30.040 since today this person wants to remain anonymous, so I 0:00:30.040 --> 0:00:32.080 will not give you her name. Hopefully they don't know 0:00:32.120 --> 0:00:34.960 your voice. Girl, All right, and here we go. I'll 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:39.600 start with the love side. I started dating when I 0:00:39.680 --> 0:00:44.640 was seventeen years old, and I experienced my very first heartbreak, 0:00:44.960 --> 0:00:50.559 which was very intense, and you know, it took me 0:00:50.600 --> 0:00:54.040 a while to get over that, and then I started 0:00:54.120 --> 0:00:56.840 dating even more and more and more, and it was 0:00:56.880 --> 0:01:01.400 just heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak until maybe about like 0:01:01.560 --> 0:01:04.440 last year, because I finally got to the point to 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:07.360 where I was like, I just don't care anymore, Like 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:11.360 I just don't. I look back on the twelve years 0:01:11.400 --> 0:01:13.880 that I've been dating, and you know, I've been through 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:16.840 a lot. I've had a lot of relationships, but they 0:01:16.880 --> 0:01:20.080 weren't healthy. I don't think I've ever had a healthy one. 0:01:20.720 --> 0:01:24.400 And at this point, I am twenty eight years old. 0:01:24.400 --> 0:01:27.360 I will be twenty nine and I currently stayed Phoenix, Arizona. 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:31.959 The black Men pool out here is very limited and 0:01:32.480 --> 0:01:36.319 what we have to choose from out here isn't really ideal. 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:38.840 But you know, due to where I am and what 0:01:38.920 --> 0:01:41.800 I've been through, I was like, I don't want to 0:01:41.840 --> 0:01:44.520 go do this anymore. I'm getting older, you know, I 0:01:44.600 --> 0:01:48.240 eventually want a husband, so I have to start cutting 0:01:48.240 --> 0:01:52.160 people off and setting boundaries. A few years ago, I 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:57.400 lost an ex boyfriend to gun violence, and then about 0:01:57.600 --> 0:02:00.920 ten years prior to him, I lost my first love 0:02:01.440 --> 0:02:04.040 to murder. So they both died to murder, but the 0:02:04.080 --> 0:02:07.120 one that impacted me the most was my ex a 0:02:07.160 --> 0:02:09.800 few years ago. He died around the same time as 0:02:09.919 --> 0:02:14.640 Nipsey Hustle. He was like a huge Nipsey fan, and 0:02:14.680 --> 0:02:17.840 I remember me and him talking about Nipsey's death and 0:02:17.880 --> 0:02:21.000 he dies a few months later. So I've been in 0:02:21.040 --> 0:02:23.800 therapy for about three years now, and I spent like 0:02:23.840 --> 0:02:27.880 a whole year just completely on that situation, just trying 0:02:27.919 --> 0:02:30.280 to like heal from it and get through it. And 0:02:30.400 --> 0:02:34.320 I still grieve from that until today. It still hurts 0:02:34.400 --> 0:02:38.240 like yesterday. I don't know if I'll ever be over it. 0:02:38.800 --> 0:02:41.600 Me and him pretty much grew up together, so he 0:02:41.720 --> 0:02:43.880 was my best friend. He was not only a lover. 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:46.880 I felt like my best friend got took away from me. 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:50.480 He also had dreams like me. He wanted to be 0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:55.760 a rapper. I wanted to be a singer. So we 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:58.639 were like Bonnie and Clyde, and we were gonna make 0:02:58.639 --> 0:03:01.640 it together. Whoever got first, I was gonna put the 0:03:01.639 --> 0:03:04.399 other person on. And he also was my biggest cheerleader, 0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:07.640 my biggest supporter, motivator. I was his favorite singer, he 0:03:07.760 --> 0:03:11.520 was my favorite rapper, and you know, we were just 0:03:11.600 --> 0:03:14.600 really a team. I never had a connection with anyone 0:03:14.760 --> 0:03:17.919 like him. It was like blood couldn't make us any closer. 0:03:18.240 --> 0:03:24.800 But it definitely wasn't a brother sister relationship. So it's 0:03:24.800 --> 0:03:26.639 like when he was in my life, I felt like 0:03:26.760 --> 0:03:29.639 I had my life had meeting. I wasn't board. We 0:03:29.639 --> 0:03:34.040 were running the town of Arizona, so many places remind 0:03:34.080 --> 0:03:37.440 me of him. I tried to stay away, but we 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:41.600 did so much during our time together. We were dating 0:03:41.680 --> 0:03:44.680 on and off for two years, but I knew him 0:03:44.720 --> 0:03:48.240 since I was a child. So it's like, even with 0:03:48.320 --> 0:03:53.520 him being gone, I still have so much connected with him, 0:03:53.600 --> 0:03:56.120 so when he left, I felt like my other half 0:03:56.240 --> 0:03:59.520 was just took him and I'm still trying to adjust 0:03:59.560 --> 0:04:02.200 to my life without him, even though it's been three years. 0:04:02.760 --> 0:04:05.920 No one understands how close we were, Like I don't 0:04:05.920 --> 0:04:08.280 think I can explain that to anybody. It was just 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:11.840 something between me and him. So, you know, growing up, 0:04:12.160 --> 0:04:16.400 I didn't really have my father in my life, which 0:04:17.160 --> 0:04:21.320 I feel like that explains why I was so fixated 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:24.159 on the idea of love. My father was very in 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:27.840 and out due to his drug habit, and I had 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:31.400 a stepdad, but he was always there. Financially, we never 0:04:31.440 --> 0:04:34.360 really built upon so once I became an adult, I 0:04:34.400 --> 0:04:37.040 was like, Okay, I gotta figure this out by myself, 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:39.880 which always led me to the wrong type of men, 0:04:40.240 --> 0:04:42.760 which always left you to get hurt. I just kind 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:44.920 of got burned out with it. I'm like, I don't 0:04:44.960 --> 0:04:46.760 want to date nobody, I don't want to talk to 0:04:46.800 --> 0:04:49.360 nobody like this. I'm like, I'm really okay with being 0:04:49.400 --> 0:04:51.560 single for the rest of my life. And I'm a 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:58.040 relationship kind of girl. My sign is libra. You know, love, relationships, sex, fire, passion, 0:04:58.400 --> 0:05:01.640 all of that, so it's natural really in me. But 0:05:02.400 --> 0:05:05.360 it's just like, especially these days, is it's hard to 0:05:05.440 --> 0:05:10.240 find anyone that has all of those qualities husband like 0:05:10.360 --> 0:05:13.280 qualities and treats you right. And so I was just like, 0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:16.960 I'm really okay with just being alone, but I would 0:05:17.120 --> 0:05:21.679 love a healthy relationship. As I look back, I see 0:05:21.680 --> 0:05:26.760 how much I wanted to be loved that it blocked 0:05:26.800 --> 0:05:31.680 me from my dreams and stuff. I grew up always 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:35.880 in talent shows. I was always singing in church. I 0:05:35.920 --> 0:05:39.560 was always leading the choirs at my school, always in 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:43.560 performing arts, and I used to make my cousins be 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:47.760 like my background singers to all the Beyonce and Sierra videos. 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:50.200 I knew every dance move, I knew every lyric. I 0:05:50.279 --> 0:05:53.679 used to do dance battles against family members. Like that's 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:56.160 really what my life was. And I just knew as 0:05:56.160 --> 0:05:58.599 an adult, you know, I knew I had to star power. 0:05:58.640 --> 0:06:00.560 I knew I had to talent. So I was just like, 0:06:00.640 --> 0:06:02.719 I'm going to be the next big thing. But I 0:06:02.760 --> 0:06:07.520 started dating, and my love life consumed so many years 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:10.040 of my adult life. It was like year after year 0:06:10.080 --> 0:06:12.280 after year, I was trying to make a relationship after 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:17.000 relationship after relationship, work where I lost focus on me 0:06:17.400 --> 0:06:20.840 and my talent and who I was. And then I 0:06:20.880 --> 0:06:24.960 started college and I even dropped out due to our relationship. 0:06:25.400 --> 0:06:29.159 So fast forward, I'm like, what was I doing all 0:06:29.160 --> 0:06:30.960 of that time? Like I felt like I was living 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:33.000 in a la la land. I was looking through rose 0:06:33.040 --> 0:06:38.040 colored lenses. I wasn't being very realistic on how these 0:06:38.080 --> 0:06:41.560 men were treating me and the situations I kept putting 0:06:41.560 --> 0:06:45.280 myself in. And then I fast forward to you know, 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:48.440 me being twenty nine and this is my last semester 0:06:48.480 --> 0:06:51.880 of school. I graduate in December. School took up four 0:06:51.960 --> 0:06:55.200 years of my life for me, chasing my dreams and 0:06:55.480 --> 0:06:58.640 felt relationships. I'm at the age where I am now. 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:01.960 It doesn't help social media because most of the people 0:07:02.000 --> 0:07:05.000 that have made it are in their twenties, and I'm 0:07:05.120 --> 0:07:08.080 pretty much done with mind and I'm like, who wants 0:07:08.120 --> 0:07:11.400 to listen to an old singer or an old actress 0:07:11.520 --> 0:07:14.680 or whatever? In my head, you know, I'm still working 0:07:14.720 --> 0:07:17.200 on the mental side of me feeling too old to 0:07:17.280 --> 0:07:21.640 do anything now. I have burnt out stages where it's 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:24.760 like one minute I have the motivation to go to 0:07:24.880 --> 0:07:27.200 do it, to chase my dreams, chase my goals, And 0:07:27.200 --> 0:07:30.840 then on the other hand, I'm crying. I'm not happy 0:07:30.880 --> 0:07:33.360 with life. I'm crying. I'm this on that I even 0:07:33.480 --> 0:07:36.400 like cut off all of the toxic people in my life, 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:39.880 and I prayed for the peace of God, in which 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:42.760 I feel like He's given me that piece, but I 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:46.080 have so much piece just on board with life, and 0:07:46.680 --> 0:07:49.080 I'm just like twiddling my thumbs because I'm like, now, 0:07:49.160 --> 0:07:51.680 what what do I do? Where do I go? I 0:07:51.720 --> 0:07:54.560 feel like I'm in hermit mode. I feel very isolated. 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:58.560 I have times where I missed the toxic people lovers 0:07:58.600 --> 0:08:01.440 and friendships because I was like, at least I was 0:08:01.480 --> 0:08:04.120 always doing something. I had something to do every weekend. 0:08:04.200 --> 0:08:07.440 I was always going places. My life was very filled 0:08:07.520 --> 0:08:11.320 with like activities. They may have been toxic and it 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:14.160 may have came with a lot of stress and drama 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:17.280 and mess, but I always have something to do. Now 0:08:17.320 --> 0:08:20.920 that I only have my close friends and some family members, 0:08:21.480 --> 0:08:23.760 most of them have their own families and children, so 0:08:23.800 --> 0:08:27.240 they don't really have babysitters. So anytime I want to 0:08:27.240 --> 0:08:30.240 hang out and do stuff, I can't or it's really 0:08:30.240 --> 0:08:34.000 really hard. And I'm naturally a social person. I like 0:08:34.160 --> 0:08:37.040 to be at home, but after a while, I'm like 0:08:37.200 --> 0:08:40.440 ready to go out, ready to turn up, ready to function, 0:08:40.520 --> 0:08:43.160 ready to have fun, and everybody just wants to sit 0:08:43.200 --> 0:08:46.360 in the house and be introverts, or even if they don't, 0:08:46.400 --> 0:08:48.800 they have children, so it's hard for them. And I'm 0:08:48.840 --> 0:08:50.600 just like, I'm really just gonna have to start doing 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:54.319 things by myself. I feel like a lot of that 0:08:54.440 --> 0:08:57.080 has held me up with me chasing my dreams. I 0:08:57.200 --> 0:09:01.320 was just very passionate young girl, and life just like 0:09:01.520 --> 0:09:03.920 took over me. And then it's like, now that I'm 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:06.679 ready to do it, I feel too old. I really 0:09:06.960 --> 0:09:09.080 feel like I need to move to California because I 0:09:09.120 --> 0:09:13.280 feel like maybe that will open more doors and opportunities 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:16.880 for me, maybe help me make connections because me being 0:09:16.920 --> 0:09:20.200 here in Arizona, no one from the industry is here. 0:09:20.840 --> 0:09:23.839 At least I don't know anybody. I'm from here, and 0:09:24.360 --> 0:09:28.160 I've been in the studio, I've worked on music, et cetera, 0:09:28.440 --> 0:09:31.160 and I have yet to meet anyone. I've had people 0:09:31.160 --> 0:09:32.920 tell me they can take me to the next level 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:36.160 and have felt me every time. The last person we 0:09:36.240 --> 0:09:39.200 had from here was like Jordan's Sparks. So it's like 0:09:39.280 --> 0:09:41.840 I feel like, as long as I stay here, I'm 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:44.040 not gonna get far in the industry. And I know 0:09:44.120 --> 0:09:46.240 that there's social media, but I feel like where you 0:09:46.360 --> 0:09:49.800 live also plays a part. Unless you're already where you 0:09:49.840 --> 0:09:51.400 need to be at, then I feel like you can 0:09:51.440 --> 0:09:54.160 live anywhere. But like me trying to get there, I 0:09:54.160 --> 0:09:58.520 feel like I need to go to focus on acting, 0:09:58.640 --> 0:10:02.880 to focus on my cosmetic business, and to possibly dibble 0:10:02.960 --> 0:10:08.440 back into music, dancing, et cetera. Anything entrepreneurship. That's what 0:10:08.480 --> 0:10:09.960 I want to do, and I want to stay in 0:10:09.960 --> 0:10:13.560 that realm. And you know, if all else fails, I'll 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:16.160 go back to school and just get a nursing degree 0:10:16.760 --> 0:10:19.080 if I'm not making the type of income that I want. 0:10:19.120 --> 0:10:21.360 At that point, I deal with a lot of guilt 0:10:21.400 --> 0:10:24.640 and shame because I don't know how someone was so 0:10:24.760 --> 0:10:27.439 much talent. I don't know how I got to this 0:10:27.480 --> 0:10:30.360 point in my life where it's like now it's clicking 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:32.839 for me to focus on it, and now I feel 0:10:32.880 --> 0:10:38.280 just old, and so I don't know, like should I 0:10:38.360 --> 0:10:41.280 keep trying this. I don't know what to do. I'm 0:10:41.320 --> 0:10:44.480 looking for advice career wise, because, like I said, me 0:10:44.559 --> 0:10:47.640 being here, I don't know anyone and I feel like 0:10:47.679 --> 0:10:51.640 I'm doing everything by myself. The one person that supported 0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:54.880 me with my dreams is not here. The one person 0:10:54.920 --> 0:10:56.640 that I felt like I was gonna be with forever 0:10:56.840 --> 0:10:59.920 is not here. And I'm kind of mad at him 0:11:00.120 --> 0:11:02.760 for leaving me. Year. I felt like when he left, 0:11:02.800 --> 0:11:05.640 he took the meaning of life too with him. That's 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:07.880 how much he brought to me. And now I'm trying 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:11.200 to navigate it without him. Obviously, this is supposed to 0:11:11.200 --> 0:11:13.480 be how it is, but I'm trying to like go 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:15.640 with it, and I'm trying to be happy with it, 0:11:15.679 --> 0:11:18.720 and I'm trying to figure out what next, and then 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:22.360 as far as you know, my love life goes um, 0:11:22.400 --> 0:11:25.480 I literally cut off everyone. There is one person that 0:11:25.520 --> 0:11:28.320 I'm dealing with. I've known him for about six years 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:31.720 and we lived together. He offered to help me financially 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:34.560 while I'm in school, just to kind of, you know, 0:11:34.640 --> 0:11:36.880 help me out, give me a little break, so I 0:11:36.920 --> 0:11:40.360 don't have everything on me at once. But he does 0:11:40.440 --> 0:11:43.360 want to work on a relationship as well. We're not 0:11:43.400 --> 0:11:46.079 doing it the traditional way because we live with each 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:48.520 other and we're getting to know each other while we 0:11:48.559 --> 0:11:51.040 live with each other. He has a lot of trust 0:11:51.120 --> 0:11:54.800 issues in trauma that he still needs to be healed from. 0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:58.719 So I was hesitant on it, but I was just like, 0:11:58.760 --> 0:12:00.800 you know what I need to help, So you know, 0:12:00.920 --> 0:12:03.840 he can just come and we can see what happens. 0:12:04.480 --> 0:12:07.920 But I'm currently in therapy and I'm still healing as well. 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:12.800 He is twenty five years old. He's a retired marine. 0:12:13.480 --> 0:12:17.440 He makes over six figures with the type of job 0:12:17.520 --> 0:12:19.959 that he does now. He has no children. He's been 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:24.000 married and divorce. He travels for work, so he's only 0:12:24.080 --> 0:12:27.360 home really on the weekends. He has a very old soul, 0:12:27.480 --> 0:12:30.120 so he's like at this point, he's not looking to 0:12:30.200 --> 0:12:32.880 really just mess around with a bunch of random females. 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:36.000 He wants to be married. He wants to settle down 0:12:36.360 --> 0:12:37.880 to the point where me and him don't even have 0:12:37.920 --> 0:12:41.160 sex like that, because he feels like sex makes things 0:12:41.240 --> 0:12:44.400 complicated and he wants to do things right this time 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:47.160 and not lead with it. Plus, he told me he 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:49.720 feels like it's a power tactic as well, because he 0:12:49.800 --> 0:12:53.080 lives with me. He doesn't want me to kick him 0:12:53.080 --> 0:12:56.040 out or anything, because he's just given me so much 0:12:56.120 --> 0:12:59.400 amazing sex that I tell him to go, like he 0:12:59.480 --> 0:13:02.440 doesn't want to go crazy, and I'm like, don't you 0:13:02.480 --> 0:13:04.720 think it would be the opposite effect. But due to 0:13:04.840 --> 0:13:09.040 his past, because he's a very accomplished man, he had 0:13:09.080 --> 0:13:11.560 a lot of women use him in the past, and 0:13:11.960 --> 0:13:15.079 I think he's fearing of that. He's like, if I leave, 0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:17.440 we can have all the sex you want. But he's like, 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:19.760 I think, while I'm here, I don't think we should. 0:13:19.760 --> 0:13:24.120 I want to just practice celibacy. He even mentioned marriage counseling, 0:13:24.679 --> 0:13:28.080 doing therapy together, and I told him myself, well, if 0:13:28.080 --> 0:13:31.320 a person wants to marry me, therapy is a requirement 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:36.320 that I have for my partner before we get married. 0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:41.440 He really has a lot of husband like qualities where 0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:44.080 I can see him in that way, but it's just 0:13:44.120 --> 0:13:47.040 that trauma that he's still not healed from. And honestly, 0:13:47.080 --> 0:13:48.400 I feel like I don't I shouldn't even be in 0:13:48.440 --> 0:13:51.360 a relationship. I feel like we shouldn't even be doing this. 0:13:51.360 --> 0:13:54.040 This is not the ideal way to get to know somebody. 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:57.480 But I need the money right now. Just be honest. 0:13:58.120 --> 0:14:00.959 My lease is up in January, age, so he's he's 0:14:01.000 --> 0:14:03.040 probably gonna leave around that time, and I guess that's 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:04.800 what we're gonna have a discussion of whether we're going 0:14:04.840 --> 0:14:08.600 to continue relationship or go our separate ways. But I 0:14:08.640 --> 0:14:11.920 do feel like if we actually continue our relationship or 0:14:12.160 --> 0:14:16.000 being one, sex has to come into play. Because I've 0:14:16.000 --> 0:14:20.440 been patient, I will continue to be patient. But if 0:14:20.480 --> 0:14:23.680 we decide to move forward, I need to be having sex, 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:27.080 and honestly, just he's like the last person that I'm 0:14:27.160 --> 0:14:29.280 choosing to deal with. If it doesn't work out with 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:32.240 me and him, I will be okay being by myself 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:35.120 because the way that the men are these days and 0:14:35.160 --> 0:14:38.400 how things are going, it's very hard to meet someone 0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:42.320 with all of those qualities. And I'm gonna leave it 0:14:42.360 --> 0:14:44.280 up to God. It's really gonna take God to just 0:14:44.400 --> 0:14:46.560 bring me my husband, because I'm not gonna go out 0:14:46.600 --> 0:14:49.480 and find him, and I'm not gonna try anymore. It's 0:14:49.480 --> 0:14:51.800 gonna just have to literally fall in my lap if 0:14:51.840 --> 0:14:55.280 that's possible. That's how tired and drained I am from 0:14:55.320 --> 0:14:58.600 all of the pain and stuff that I've been through 0:14:59.320 --> 0:15:03.720 from trying to always make these relationships work. So right now, 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:06.760 I don't know where to go with my relationships, and 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:08.520 I don't know where to go with my career, and 0:15:08.560 --> 0:15:11.680 I just need your help to give me a different perspective. Now, 0:15:11.720 --> 0:15:14.040 we got a commercial, and if you click off this podcast, 0:15:14.120 --> 0:15:21.280 I swear I'm gonna beat your ass. Listen, okay, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. 0:15:21.720 --> 0:15:24.520 Can I talk now? All right? So that was a lot. 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:27.600 Let's start from the beginning. You mentioned that you had 0:15:27.720 --> 0:15:31.360 lost too love of your lives to gun violence, and 0:15:32.160 --> 0:15:36.440 I want to tell you something without you getting upset 0:15:36.640 --> 0:15:39.520 with me either way. I don't care if you get 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:41.440 upset or now. This is just what you need to hear. 0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:45.200 You spoke on two of your ex is being taken 0:15:45.240 --> 0:15:47.680 away from you. It could be the type of guys 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:49.680 that you were dating. You were dating guys that are 0:15:49.720 --> 0:15:53.080 in the streets. I understand. Um, that's what I'm connecting 0:15:53.640 --> 0:15:57.400 what I gather from the story. It seems like they 0:15:57.400 --> 0:16:00.840 were in the streets. Like you said, it's very limited 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:03.720 pool of black men in Phoenix, Arizona. I travel there. 0:16:03.760 --> 0:16:06.200 I do shows there, so I do know that, and 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:07.840 my shows there are not a lot of black men. 0:16:07.880 --> 0:16:09.880 It's a lot of Hispanics. There's a lot of you know, 0:16:09.920 --> 0:16:12.160 other races, but we do have some black people that 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:17.560 do come. I do understand However, you still attract a 0:16:17.600 --> 0:16:21.520 certain guy well used to, I would say. And when 0:16:21.520 --> 0:16:23.680 I say of the streets, I mean that they are 0:16:23.720 --> 0:16:27.120 living their lives dangerously in the streets. Now correct me 0:16:27.160 --> 0:16:29.080 if I'm wrong. Come back and correct me if I 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:32.920 am wrong. But you lost both of them very violently. Now, 0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:36.200 it could just be too coincidental deaths where the bullets 0:16:36.200 --> 0:16:38.800 weren't for them, or they weren't doing anything to result 0:16:38.840 --> 0:16:42.920 in losing their lives this particular way. If I am wrong, 0:16:43.000 --> 0:16:46.120 please correct me. But that's what it sounds like, that 0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:48.600 you attract a certain type of guy, and you are 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:51.320 attracted to a certain type of guy um by choice. 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:55.440 You cannot control who you love, but you can't control yourself. 0:16:55.840 --> 0:16:58.320 You have to be able to get self control. And 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:02.000 that leads me into the career part. You have answered 0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:04.359 your questions so many times just telling me your story. 0:17:04.720 --> 0:17:06.640 I don't know how I ended up like this. I'm 0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:10.240 very intelligent, i am very talented, I'm gifted. I'm a 0:17:10.320 --> 0:17:13.560 very smart girl. You sound all of those things you sell. 0:17:13.640 --> 0:17:17.720 You you're well articulated, you pronounce every every syllable and 0:17:17.760 --> 0:17:19.879 everywhere A girl. I'm like, damn, is this girl a 0:17:19.960 --> 0:17:24.320 literature teacher like you. You you sound very intelligent, you 0:17:24.359 --> 0:17:27.560 sound very ambitious, and that you you could be further, 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:32.000 way further right now in life and your career then 0:17:32.080 --> 0:17:36.720 you are. Now, hadn't you let yourself be so consumed 0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:39.960 with your love life? Now you're still not old at all. 0:17:40.000 --> 0:17:42.160 You're not even thirty, as you said, you're just about 0:17:42.200 --> 0:17:45.120 finishing your twenties, so you're not even out of your 0:17:45.119 --> 0:17:49.119 twenties yet. Listen, you've dated. That's what you gotta do 0:17:49.200 --> 0:17:51.080 to realize what's good for you and what's not. That's 0:17:51.080 --> 0:17:53.119 what you gotta do to learn yourself. That's what you 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:54.879 have to do to learn what you don't want, what 0:17:55.040 --> 0:17:59.120 you can't stand, what you won't take, your disadvantages, your advantages, 0:17:59.240 --> 0:18:02.080 like all of that. That's what people do to find 0:18:02.119 --> 0:18:05.240 the right one they date. Okay, there's no rule book 0:18:05.240 --> 0:18:07.960 to the ship, so don't kick yourself and ask too 0:18:08.040 --> 0:18:11.760 much on that note. But when it comes to your life, 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:14.879 you know, because you just told me, you've spent so 0:18:14.960 --> 0:18:17.680 much time trying to make this work with this man 0:18:17.760 --> 0:18:19.479 and this man and that man and that man, and 0:18:19.480 --> 0:18:23.040 it hasn't worked. That you lost yourself. This is something 0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:25.480 that I see every day. This is something that I've 0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:29.200 even almost done for too long in my life. Then 0:18:29.200 --> 0:18:31.480 I got ahold of myself. You still can get ahold 0:18:31.520 --> 0:18:33.680 of yourself now. Look, you have a dream to be 0:18:33.720 --> 0:18:37.480 a famous singer. Even if that does not work, it's 0:18:37.520 --> 0:18:41.080 not because oh you're just in your your late twenties 0:18:41.119 --> 0:18:45.080 now and girl, listen, it does not matter. Always used 0:18:45.080 --> 0:18:48.440 to chains two chains didn't blow until he was what 0:18:48.440 --> 0:18:52.480 what forty? Come on now, nobody care. It ain't about 0:18:52.520 --> 0:18:54.960 your age. This is not the old, old, long time 0:18:55.000 --> 0:18:58.280 agose days. No it's not. You can still sing, yes 0:18:58.359 --> 0:19:01.280 you can. You can still be a singer. It is possible. Look, 0:19:01.320 --> 0:19:03.600 I don't hold the keys to making people famous, No 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:06.479 I don't. But what I do know is that you 0:19:06.520 --> 0:19:10.280 can still be a singer. You can still do what 0:19:10.320 --> 0:19:12.800 you want to do, and you can prosper from that. 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:15.480 You can build. If you have a dream, you fucking 0:19:15.480 --> 0:19:18.760 follow it. That's all. You just got caught up in love. 0:19:19.320 --> 0:19:21.359 I don't really need to give you much advice on 0:19:21.440 --> 0:19:25.600 your career because you know what held you back now 0:19:25.920 --> 0:19:29.880 as far as cutting off your toxic relationship, friendships and 0:19:29.920 --> 0:19:32.800 all of that type of stuff. I understand that too. 0:19:32.960 --> 0:19:35.960 You say that you're bored. You're so bored that you 0:19:36.040 --> 0:19:38.879 missed the toxic relationships and you just want something to do. 0:19:38.960 --> 0:19:41.120 And everybody that you cut off sometimes you miss them 0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:43.760 because now you're cutting everybody off that was toxic in 0:19:43.800 --> 0:19:47.440 your life, whether it be man, woman, friendship, relationship. You're 0:19:47.480 --> 0:19:49.960 so bored, you're willing to even put up with the 0:19:50.000 --> 0:19:53.240 toxicity because you just want something to do. Sweetie, do 0:19:53.280 --> 0:19:56.600 you realize what you're saying. You aren't treading life like 0:19:56.720 --> 0:20:00.240 it's like a like a little game like that's rather childish. 0:20:00.359 --> 0:20:03.159 On that particular part, that was the only part I 0:20:03.240 --> 0:20:05.679 felt like I was talking to a child. I was 0:20:05.760 --> 0:20:09.479 listening to a child. You're grown, you have no kids, 0:20:10.000 --> 0:20:13.840 You have no obligations to anyone. You still have a 0:20:13.880 --> 0:20:16.919 life full of opportunity and possibilities that you can like 0:20:17.000 --> 0:20:21.720 it's limitless for you. You're not tied down. You're very smart. Girl. 0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:24.680 Go get a goddamn job. Go get your ass a job. 0:20:25.119 --> 0:20:26.960 You can be a dental assistant, you can go be 0:20:27.040 --> 0:20:31.480 somebody's receptionists, you can go fucking like, ma'am, yes you're 0:20:31.480 --> 0:20:34.800 in school, yes you but you're you're even living with 0:20:34.840 --> 0:20:36.480 somebody that you don't even want to be with it, 0:20:36.560 --> 0:20:41.160 just for convenience and for financial reasons. You're living your 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:43.840 life like a college kid hanging on by a thread. 0:20:43.880 --> 0:20:47.720 You even told me you dropped out of school for love. Look, 0:20:48.080 --> 0:20:50.600 you need to stop dating for a long time, even 0:20:50.600 --> 0:20:52.919 with this man you're living with. No no, no, no, 0:20:52.920 --> 0:20:55.679 no no. You don't even sound excited talking about them. 0:20:55.680 --> 0:20:57.960 You're not attracted to them, obviously. You just want some 0:20:58.000 --> 0:20:59.679 dick from time to time, and you want to be 0:20:59.720 --> 0:21:02.000 able to have money, and you want to be a singer. 0:21:02.400 --> 0:21:04.720 But what it sounds like is that you've never really 0:21:04.720 --> 0:21:08.439 put any hard work into yourself. And I'm putting it 0:21:08.480 --> 0:21:11.000 more specifically that way because I don't even think that 0:21:11.040 --> 0:21:13.760 you see it that way. You're blaming it all on 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:17.800 love because you even said it. I mean, if it 0:21:17.840 --> 0:21:21.159 falls in my lap, okay, great. You can't expect anything 0:21:21.200 --> 0:21:23.080 to fall in your lap, not a man, not a job, 0:21:23.440 --> 0:21:28.000 not a singing career, nothing. Everything that people have really 0:21:28.040 --> 0:21:31.119 successful people, they worked for it, unless it was passed 0:21:31.160 --> 0:21:33.400 on down. They don't seem like your parents gonna give 0:21:33.440 --> 0:21:37.160 you jack, honey. So you need to pull yourself up. 0:21:38.040 --> 0:21:40.280 Don't focus on a man. And what a man can 0:21:40.320 --> 0:21:42.400 do for you, not even the one that lives with you. 0:21:43.040 --> 0:21:46.600 Don't focus on him. What you need to do is 0:21:46.640 --> 0:21:48.960