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Speaker 1: Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you.

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Speaker 2: I'm great, Thank you. I'm been in my worka Oh delightful.

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Speaker 1: I love it, Simon, It's wonderful.

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Speaker 2: I know.

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Speaker 1: Well, I have an update for us, Chelsea. This is

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Speaker 1: from Ali. She called in on our Monica Lewinsky episode

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Speaker 1: and she was about to have a birthday, but her

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Speaker 1: father had died when she was very young and kind

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Speaker 1: of like around her birth Yes, I remember it, yeah,

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Speaker 1: reminded her. So Ali says, Hi, Chelsea, it's been a

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Speaker 1: couple months since I came on to chat with you

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Speaker 1: both and Monica about grieving my dad while celebrating my

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Speaker 1: thirtieth birthday. I took your advice of focusing on celebrating

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Speaker 1: him his thirty eight years on this earth and really

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Speaker 1: finding that distinction between grief and suffering. I'm a recovering

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Speaker 1: Irish Catholic from Boston, so I love an Irish week

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Speaker 1: style of celebrating someone who's past. My friends and I

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Speaker 1: toasted him and welcomed his energy into the birthday weekend,

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Speaker 1: and they reminded me that celebrating me inherently includes celebrating him,

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Speaker 1: because he brought me here. Thank you for giving us

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Speaker 1: of quote unquote permission to approach it that way. The

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Speaker 1: weekend was joyous and felt revolutionary. I absolutely turned over

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Speaker 1: a new leaf, and I'm ever grateful to you for

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Speaker 1: your help in that. I cannot believe I forgot to

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Speaker 1: tell you this, Chelsea, but my dad's favorite activity in

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Speaker 1: the world was skiing, particularly in Whistler. When he's not

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Speaker 1: hanging around us in day to day life, that's definitely

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Speaker 1: where he is. Maybe I know, maybe next year I'll

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Speaker 1: spend my birthday there. I know many folks right into

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Speaker 1: the show about grief, so I wanted to also share

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Speaker 1: an incredible nonprofit and Power. They provide one on one

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Speaker 1: mentorship to children and young adults navigating the loss of

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Speaker 1: their mothers or fathers. Grief is so many things, and

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Speaker 1: our mission is to show children and youth that loss

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Speaker 1: is survivable. If anyone listening wants to share with a

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Speaker 1: grieving child or youth they love or has experienced parent

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Speaker 1: loss at any age and wants to become a mentor,

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Speaker 1: they can head to we are empower dot org. Thanks

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Speaker 1: again for your advice and for what you do each week.

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Speaker 2: Ali, that is so sad, that's so great. That part

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Speaker 2: is great. That makes me cry thinking about children grieving.

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Speaker 2: They're my parents. I can't even.

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Speaker 1: Watch an old season of Master Chef Junior, and one

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Speaker 1: of the kids had lost his dad, and it was

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Speaker 1: kind of amazing to see how he was dealing with it.

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Speaker 1: You could tell he had processed it a lot because

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Speaker 1: when he talked about it, there was just sort of

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Speaker 1: like he seemed okay, you know, he seemed like he'd

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Speaker 1: done the work. And even though he was like an

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Speaker 1: eleven or twelve year old. You know, having a kid

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Speaker 1: go through therapy and talk about this stuff can be

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Speaker 1: really helpful when they lose somebody else.

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Speaker 2: And also to know how resilient the you know, human

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Speaker 2: spirit is like, you don't know how resilient people are

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Speaker 2: until you have to be resilient, right, So that's it's

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Speaker 2: so hard to teach that to someone like you're going

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Speaker 2: to survive almost anything that happens emotionally or you know,

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Speaker 2: or any losses, like you're going to go on. It's

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Speaker 2: a hard concept, especially when you're a child. Your world

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Speaker 2: is even smaller right than it is as an adult.

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Speaker 2: You don't even think about all the moving parts that

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Speaker 2: are happening totally.

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Speaker 1: So thank you Ali for updating us. And I'll make

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Speaker 1: sure that this empower is in the show notes, so

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Speaker 1: if anybody wants to check that out, there will be

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Speaker 1: a link there.

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Speaker 2: So I missed Doug. I miss Doug so hard. It's

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Speaker 2: just at home.

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Speaker 3: I know.

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Speaker 2: I didn't want to bring him to Spain because he's

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Speaker 2: gonna be so fucking hot here, but now it's not

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Speaker 2: that hot, and now I'm like, fuck, I can he

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Speaker 2: take a flat without me? Just get his own private chat?

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Speaker 2: I diaged that once with a dog. I s flew

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Speaker 2: him privately without me. Oh no, which was really stupid.

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Speaker 2: I don't do things like that anymore.

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Speaker 1: Doug will be amazing and you'll just have to reconnect

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Speaker 1: with him and separate him from Mabel.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I know she went to a FaceTime with me.

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Speaker 1: Yes, here's your mother.

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Speaker 2: She's like, oh, sorry, we fell asleep. I'm like, I

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Speaker 2: bet you did. I also believe she gives him CBD

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Speaker 2: because he's so oh, he's so calm when I come

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Speaker 2: back from being away. Yeah, and I know she's up

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Speaker 2: to something, you know, because she doesn't want to deal

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Speaker 2: with his lunacy. And I saw the CBD and I

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Speaker 2: was like, who is that for? And she's like, oh,

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Speaker 2: if we're doug sometimes I'll make sometimes or all the

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Speaker 2: time like are you she's All of my dogs have

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Speaker 2: been drugged. And this is just another example of how

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Speaker 2: it happens.

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Speaker 1: You know what my aunt used to do with my

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Speaker 1: nephew who's like very hyper, when she would take care

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Speaker 1: of him, instead of like, you know, giving him a

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Speaker 1: CBD or something, she would say, hey, let's have a

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Speaker 1: cup of tea together at the beginning of their time together,

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Speaker 1: and she would give him sleepy time tea and then

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Speaker 1: he was like totally manageable.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, I.

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Speaker 1: Mean sleepy time tea and like an eleven year old boy,

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Speaker 1: it's a matchmain heat.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Melatonin is good for kids too. My friends are always

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Speaker 2: slipping their kids melatonin. I mean only the good parents,

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Speaker 2: though I would make them snort melatonin if I had children.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Okay, well, should we get into questions jelse?

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Speaker 2: Yes, please, let's move it. Let's move it along, let's

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Speaker 2: do it. Today's a solo episode. That means Catherine and

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Speaker 2: I are here alone.

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Speaker 1: Yes, full of our own resources only.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that means they could take more callers. Oh, by

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Speaker 2: the way, tell our audience about the many episodes that

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Speaker 2: we're doing. We're adding ten minute minisodes.

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Speaker 1: They'll come out every other week, and it's.

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Speaker 2: Gonna be different. It's gonna be counseling from me with

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Speaker 2: a group of people or a couple like friends, sisters,

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Speaker 2: people in a relationship. I'm going to counsel them and

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Speaker 2: we're gonna break them into little ten minute episodes. So

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Speaker 2: that's gonna be great. I can't fucking wait. It's gonna

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Speaker 2: be So we're not gonna I mean, I want people

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Speaker 2: to bring really stupid problems to me. So if you're

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Speaker 2: in a relationship and it's not a serious issue, if

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Speaker 2: it's your friend, or if it's your with your mother

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Speaker 2: or your sister or your lover, and you want you

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Speaker 2: have something really stupid that you want to bring. Please,

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Speaker 2: this is our reprieve from the seriousness of the show.

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Speaker 2: We want to get I want to get silly.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, these minisos are going to be perfect for like

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Speaker 1: if you have that argument with your spouse or with

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Speaker 1: your best friend that you like just need a tiebreaker on,

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Speaker 1: like who is right here? Chelsea is the person who.

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Speaker 2: Can to help? Yeah, I love that shit, guys.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so right in and I actually have on our

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Speaker 1: next couple solo episodes. I have two couples calling in.

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Speaker 2: Oh I love finally fly. Oh my god, this is

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Speaker 2: exactly what I've been wanting. I've manifested it exactly.

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Speaker 1: You know, what happens a lot of the time is

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Speaker 1: a person will be like, I'm going to get my

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Speaker 1: husband to come on and talk about this with me,

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Speaker 1: and the person who wants to call into a podcast

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Speaker 1: inevitably marries the type of person who would never do

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Speaker 1: such a thing. So then they come back to me

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Speaker 1: and they're like, just kidding, forget ever emailed you, forget

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Speaker 1: my name, But today we have one and it's very,

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Speaker 1: very exciting. Actually, should we take a little break.

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Speaker 2: Okay, let's take a break first.

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Speaker 1: This week, we're looking for a relationship advice. If you're

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Speaker 1: having a problem in your relationship, want to know how

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Speaker 1: to do better, or need Chelsea to weigh in on

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Speaker 1: whether you're right about something. Right into Dear Chelsea podcast

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Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. Okay, we're back. We're back with Savannah.

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Speaker 1: Savannah says Dear Chelsea. I'm a thirty one year old

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Speaker 1: woman living in the Midwest, and I've had the craziest

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Speaker 1: three hundred and sixty five days of my life. I

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Speaker 1: went into rehab in July of twenty twenty three, and

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Speaker 1: I'm just over a month out of rehab, intensive inpatient,

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Speaker 1: and then out patient in that order. I'm just about

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Speaker 1: to get my first year of sobriety. I'm reacclimating to

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Speaker 1: the world, and I'm figuring out where my story fits

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Speaker 1: in my day.

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Speaker 2: Today.

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Speaker 1: I'm currently on the job hunt and I'm having anxiety

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Speaker 1: over how to address the year ish gap in my resume.

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Speaker 1: I work in marketing and have grown to love it,

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Speaker 1: mostly excluding the fifteen percent of the job that is

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Speaker 1: crazy stressful but chock full of adrenaline. I know I'm

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Speaker 1: good at my job and it's pretty much all I

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Speaker 1: know professionally, so switching careers is out of the question.

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Speaker 1: So as I begin to coordinate interviews, I'm wondering what

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Speaker 1: the fuck to say in my interviews about the gap

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Speaker 1: in my resume aka rehab. I've played with the idea

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Speaker 1: of semi fibbing and saying I was taken care of

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Speaker 1: a loved one to just being straight up honest about

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Speaker 1: going to rehab. I know I can hide behind hippa,

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Speaker 1: and I'm conflicted about what to say during the interview process.

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Speaker 1: Am I going to be met with a negative bias

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Speaker 1: and be dismissed because rehab could be a misinterpretation of

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Speaker 1: my character or my worth ethic? Or should I just

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Speaker 1: be honest and leave it up to fate and hope

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Speaker 1: that my interviewers will be understanding. I want to be

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Speaker 1: honest and I don't mind talking about it, but I

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Speaker 1: also want a job, Savannah.

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Speaker 2: Can't you just say you were traveling for a year,

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Speaker 2: that you took a year sabbatical. There's no reason to

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Speaker 2: tell them rehaby because people are fucking stupid. I would

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Speaker 2: hire somebody because they went to rehab. I'd be like,

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Speaker 2: oh great, completely, so I can.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think there's no reason to give them any

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Speaker 1: reason to doubt you in the interview process. And like,

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Speaker 1: like Chelsea said, a lot of people just like can't

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Speaker 1: get it together, and.

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Speaker 2: Taking care of a loved one is a good one

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Speaker 2: because that obviously makes you look good.

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Speaker 1: Exactly, and you can even specifically say you can say

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Speaker 1: I was caring for someone who was ill, that someone

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Speaker 1: was you. Let's straight up the truth. And also, you know,

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Speaker 1: I don't think a gap on a resume matters quite

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Speaker 1: as much as it used to.

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Speaker 2: Does it not as resume world? So I don't really

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Speaker 2: know what is going on out there in the business

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Speaker 2: world because I'm not a business woman. You are, you know,

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Speaker 2: you're a I'm a different kind of businesswoman.

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Speaker 1: You have IMDb in that arrest.

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Speaker 2: I like the word two to four hours a week

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Speaker 2: and that is it.

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Speaker 1: And we make it work. So I think they or

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Speaker 1: less than they used to, especially like pre pandemic and stuff.

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Speaker 1: But another good trick for this too is rather than

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Speaker 1: saying like I worked here from like January twenty twenty

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Speaker 1: one to like June twenty twenty three, just use years

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Speaker 1: I was here from twenty twenty one to twenty twenty three.

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Speaker 1: We're barely into twenty twenty four, so then you only

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Speaker 1: have a you know, few months gap on your resume.

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Speaker 1: And I think if they do, if they do ask

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Speaker 1: good advice, Yeah, you just say you took some personal time,

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Speaker 1: or you say I was caring for someone who was ill,

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Speaker 1: and I think you leave it at that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think. I think if you say caring

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Speaker 2: for someone who was ill, you're not going to get

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Speaker 2: one and more question about it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because they're really not supposed to be like so

223
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Speaker 1: how's your mom doing with that? You know, whatever? Does theseanse?

224
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Speaker 2: Well, obviously, if you were caring for someone that was

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Speaker 2: ill for that period of time, they're probably dead, So

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Speaker 2: there's a dead end er conversation, exactly. Perfect.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and then if you just change the subject right

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Speaker 1: after that, I think approach it with confidence and boys

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Speaker 1: and like move on after that, I think you'll be

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Speaker 1: just fine. And also like congratulations and good work.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we love rehabit. We love when it sticks. Right

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Speaker 1: mm hmm.

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Speaker 2: It works if you work it works if you work it.

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Speaker 2: I do not work it. I've been smoking a ton

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Speaker 2: of marijuana lately, actually smoking he or have you been

237
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Speaker 2: doing I've been smoking it because my doctor gave me

238
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Speaker 2: these pills for my throat, so it doesn't bother me anymore.

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Speaker 2: I know I'm on a bender right now with marijuana.

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Speaker 2: I just need it, Like I'm like, oh, where's a joint? Okay,

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Speaker 2: let's well, because of my kids, you know, I'm around

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Speaker 2: the kids, so I can't be soberdoing.

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Speaker 1: That right right. Well, our next question comes from Emma.

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Speaker 1: It's kind of a tricky one. She is thirty five.

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Speaker 1: Emma says, your Chelsea, my fiance and I are getting

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Speaker 1: married in September of this year. A couple of years ago,

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Speaker 1: his mother had a stroke and started needing round the

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Speaker 1: clock care, mostly provided by his eighty year old father,

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Speaker 1: as we live three hours away. A few weeks after

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Speaker 1: visiting to do our engagement photos, we received the most

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Speaker 1: earth shattering call. My fiance's father had died by suicide

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Speaker 1: and was found in the house. His mother immediately had

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Speaker 1: to go into long term care. We're so filled with

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Speaker 1: grief and stress, having just bought a house and planning

255
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Speaker 1: a wedding, Driving back and forth to tackle things, it's

256
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Speaker 1: so overwhelming. Life just truly feels irrevocably changed. I'm grateful

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Speaker 1: to feel sure about marrying my fiancee, but our relationship

258
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Speaker 1: has been rocked and the cracks are definitely there. We

259
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Speaker 1: have so much to figure out, with the estate emptying,

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Speaker 1: their packed house, selling everything, and now taking care of

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Speaker 1: their very, very loud dog. I miss our lives, and

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Speaker 1: while I'm trying my best to be a fully supportive partner,

263
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Speaker 1: I feel myself failing daily. My fiance is doing the

264
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Speaker 1: best he can, but I miss his level of engagement

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Speaker 1: in our relationship and life. And while I know I

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Speaker 1: need to give him grace. It's difficult day today. There

267
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Speaker 1: are things I was already sad about during wedding planning

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Speaker 1: as I lost my mom ten years ago. Overall, I

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Speaker 1: feel like the focus is the horrible situation we're in

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Speaker 1: rather than being a happy time, and my feelings are

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Speaker 1: lost in all of it. I'm in therapy working through

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Speaker 1: forgiveness and letting go of anger, but it's so hard

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Speaker 1: not to feel like our wedding will forever be linked

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Speaker 1: to this horrific time in our lives. Thanks Emma, Hi, Emma, Hi, Chelsey,

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Speaker 1: how are you?

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Speaker 2: Oh? Wow, that was very moving your story.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, lots of stuff this year, a lot of things

278
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Speaker 4: we're trying to kind of move through while also enjoying ourselves.

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Speaker 1: Right, can you tell me where you are, like with

280
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Speaker 1: your wedding planning with all the you know, emptying out

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Speaker 1: the house now.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, so we're pretty much everything is set. We're just

283
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Speaker 4: kind of in those last few months of figuring out

284
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Speaker 4: like little stuff. So everything is you know, moving ahead,

285
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Speaker 4: is planned, and he unfortunately was going to be our

286
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Speaker 4: efficient Bob's dad, so we ended up finding a new

287
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Speaker 4: efficient and all of that. So we're in a good

288
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Speaker 4: spot with all that, and honestly, Bob and I are

289
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Speaker 4: in a really good spot too as a couple. It's

290
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Speaker 4: just that it's very hard to not associate these two things,

291
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Speaker 4: and especially our wedding will be near the end of September.

292
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Speaker 4: This event will be, you know, just a few weeks

293
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Speaker 4: after it, like the first your anniversary will be a

294
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Speaker 4: few weeks after it, So it's kind of hard not

295
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Speaker 4: to have those two things tied together.

296
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Speaker 2: So are you and your fiance like communicating about how

297
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Speaker 2: you're dealing with all of this stuff.

298
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Speaker 5: Yeah, we are.

299
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Speaker 4: I'm definitely more communicative and a lot more open about

300
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Speaker 4: how I'm feeling day to day.

301
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Speaker 5: He I think to get through things.

302
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,120
Speaker 4: I think he shuts down a little bit and isn't

303
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,520
Speaker 4: not that he needs to like lean into the feelings

304
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Speaker 4: of everything that's going on, but I think that sometimes

305
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,640
Speaker 4: it's easier, especially with going to work, he just kind

306
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,720
Speaker 4: of shuts it down a little bit. So I just

307
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:39,000
Speaker 4: worry about him a lot that you know that this

308
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,920
Speaker 4: is a really big thing, an event that's happened in

309
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Speaker 4: both of our lives, but definitely in his life, So

310
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Speaker 4: I just worry, like where that will bubble up, right,

311
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Speaker 4: you know, in the future.

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Speaker 2: Can you would he be open to talking to a therapist?

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Speaker 4: So he does, he does see somebody, not I think

314
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Speaker 4: like I think he wants to see somebody more in

315
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Speaker 4: the future, but he does talk to somebody yet.

316
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Speaker 2: Yeah, Like it sounds like what you guys really need

317
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,360
Speaker 2: to do in this moment. It's a period of time

318
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,040
Speaker 2: in your life that wasn't planned, so it's a little

319
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,000
Speaker 2: bit difficult and harry, but in this moment you need

320
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,400
Speaker 2: to double down on like talking and being communicative with

321
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,600
Speaker 2: each other, even when he doesn't want to be. You

322
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,120
Speaker 2: have to be like, listen, this is this We're going

323
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,480
Speaker 2: to go through this together. Like this, I'm having a

324
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,480
Speaker 2: really difficult time on certain days and certain days you're

325
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,680
Speaker 2: doing better. It sounds like, but we have to be

326
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:32,960
Speaker 2: helping each other get through this time because obviously this

327
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,680
Speaker 2: is trauma and you I am going to you know,

328
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,440
Speaker 2: insist that you are talking to somebody on a more

329
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,600
Speaker 2: regular basis. For him, he needs to talk to someone

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00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:45,240
Speaker 2: on a regular basis during this time because what you said,

331
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,480
Speaker 2: where where is it going to bubble up later? Like

332
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,960
Speaker 2: it is going to bubble up later, So you have

333
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,640
Speaker 2: to in the moment you're in, like really double down

334
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,600
Speaker 2: on both of your therapists and talking to each other

335
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:59,120
Speaker 2: about what's happening and taking each day at a time. Yes,

336
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,200
Speaker 2: this wasn't what you pla. But what is a way

337
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:04,280
Speaker 2: to differentiate your wedding day from the anniversary of his death?

338
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:04,640
Speaker 5: Yeah?

339
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,800
Speaker 2: Why not make that a celebration of him? You know,

340
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,040
Speaker 2: why does it have to be the anniversary of his death.

341
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,280
Speaker 2: Why can't it be a celebration of his life? Why

342
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,640
Speaker 2: can't it be an extension of your wedding anniversary in

343
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,960
Speaker 2: some regard, like maybe you can tie those two events

344
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,720
Speaker 2: together in a positive way rather than looking at it

345
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,240
Speaker 2: in the way that you're looking at it because it

346
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,240
Speaker 2: just happened, so I understand, but you can adjust your

347
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:27,240
Speaker 2: framework on that and have a better way forward, and

348
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,400
Speaker 2: also sharing that with your fiance, Like I'm thinking about

349
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,200
Speaker 2: these things. This is how I think we can make

350
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,880
Speaker 2: peace with this. I mean, obviously it's very early on,

351
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:39,080
Speaker 2: but that's why talking is so important, because things get

352
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,840
Speaker 2: so built up. There's resentments. You don't know what people

353
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,680
Speaker 2: are dealing with on their own, you know for sure.

354
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,600
Speaker 4: And I think that's one of my biggest fears too,

355
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,000
Speaker 4: is that because I would say my emotions are a

356
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,280
Speaker 4: little bit louder than his is. Make like, again, even

357
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,760
Speaker 4: though this is something that you know, we're going through

358
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,080
Speaker 4: together and I'm going through, I don't want to take

359
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,840
Speaker 4: away the fact that this is something that he's going

360
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:03,280
Speaker 4: through with his parent and his other parent. We're kind

361
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,560
Speaker 4: of on a knife's edge too with her care and

362
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,400
Speaker 4: when we might lose her. It is kind of like

363
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,520
Speaker 4: that we're kind of just like on this edge through

364
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,920
Speaker 4: this whole next few months of oh is she gonna

365
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,440
Speaker 4: make it? You know, So it's hard not to be

366
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:18,480
Speaker 4: in that like constant kind of fear stress stat of, yeah,

367
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,520
Speaker 4: are we going to be going through another loss in

368
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,160
Speaker 4: the next few months that we're going to have to

369
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,120
Speaker 4: deal with, And you know, there's a lot of selfish

370
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,920
Speaker 4: feelings of like, oh, please don't.

371
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,400
Speaker 5: Let anything happen by then.

372
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,280
Speaker 4: But also we don't know if she's even going to

373
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,800
Speaker 4: be in a state where she can come, so you know,

374
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,920
Speaker 4: it's hard to reconcile out of that.

375
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, but those things are important to talk about. But

376
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,320
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, when you're you know for sure,

377
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,240
Speaker 2: all of that stuff is really important and it will

378
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,920
Speaker 2: bring you guys closer. And when I say you don't

379
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,400
Speaker 2: know what the other person is thinking, Like he could

380
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,640
Speaker 2: be resentful of his parents for pulling this shit at

381
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,560
Speaker 2: the most important moment in his time. He could be

382
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,120
Speaker 2: resentful of you for some some weird reason, Like that's

383
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,480
Speaker 2: why it's so important for him to talk, because you

384
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,200
Speaker 2: don't want that to fester. Whatever his reaction to their

385
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:57,640
Speaker 2: death is.

386
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:02,040
Speaker 4: Absolutely you know, we haven't really approach the topic of

387
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:05,479
Speaker 4: because I have anger towards his dad that like he doesn't.

388
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,360
Speaker 4: You know, I have so much empathy for that he

389
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:12,040
Speaker 4: was in this position and this was where he ultimately,

390
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,000
Speaker 4: you know, his path led him to so I you know,

391
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:18,800
Speaker 4: I loved this person, but I also still have a

392
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:22,000
Speaker 4: lot of anger about the situation, and he hasn't really

393
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,840
Speaker 4: gotten into that. Like he at least does not expressed

394
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,800
Speaker 4: that he has any anger that this happened.

395
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,520
Speaker 5: So that's hard.

396
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:32,560
Speaker 4: Like I think he's very very protective of his dad,

397
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:36,360
Speaker 4: and I understand that, but also it's like trying to

398
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,240
Speaker 4: make sure he knows that.

399
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,520
Speaker 5: There's space to be angry about it, and that's okay.

400
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,280
Speaker 2: Everything that is going to come up for him is

401
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,480
Speaker 2: going to come up for him over time with him

402
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:49,159
Speaker 2: actually having an outlet for his feelings. You can't direct

403
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,760
Speaker 2: his emotional you know what's happening, of course, but you can,

404
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,240
Speaker 2: but you can be there and be honest with each

405
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,400
Speaker 2: other about it, which is leveling up your relationship. Actually,

406
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,399
Speaker 2: it's going to bring you closer to get if you

407
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,720
Speaker 2: guys can get together on this and you having your

408
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,520
Speaker 2: frustrations are fine, That's okay, that's totally honest. Like what

409
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,880
Speaker 2: you just said and everything you know you are angry

410
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:13,120
Speaker 2: about it, that's okay too. We're all human beings. We're

411
00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:15,760
Speaker 2: all experiencing feelings that we don't want to be feeling.

412
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,679
Speaker 1: And I think Chelsea, you are right, like really strongly suggesting,

413
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,399
Speaker 1: like verging on demanding that he be seeing somebody at

414
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,000
Speaker 1: least once a week, even if it's not twice a week,

415
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:27,040
Speaker 1: so that he does get to the point where he

416
00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:30,520
Speaker 1: is processing things like anger, things like you know, resentments

417
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:31,280
Speaker 1: and getting them out.

418
00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:34,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, And there's no like argument for not doubling down

419
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,919
Speaker 2: on therapy when your father committed suicide.

420
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,239
Speaker 4: Honestly, it's financial. Financial is the argument, which sucks that

421
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,760
Speaker 4: that has to be an argument. But like I think

422
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:44,160
Speaker 4: that especially like with the wedding, like that is part

423
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,560
Speaker 4: of it. Too, which, like I would argue, like, obviously

424
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,760
Speaker 4: the investment is totally one hundred percent worth it. It's

425
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:53,520
Speaker 4: just finding where that monetary balances with having a new home,

426
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:54,640
Speaker 4: doing the wedding all that.

427
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,560
Speaker 1: So and totally understand that. But that is where group

428
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,760
Speaker 1: therapy is going to come in. So Heed, you need

429
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:03,560
Speaker 1: to you find him a support group for I'm sure

430
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,600
Speaker 1: there's a specific one depending on the size of your city. Yes, no,

431
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,560
Speaker 1: for sure, and those are usually free or like somebody

432
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:10,440
Speaker 1: you bring donuts.

433
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,880
Speaker 5: Yeah, no, those are much more affordable.

434
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:13,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.

435
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I mean doubling up having therapy when you

436
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,160
Speaker 1: can afford it and doing something that's a no cost

437
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,480
Speaker 1: thing as well, I think would be that the way

438
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,120
Speaker 1: to kind of get that and so we can start

439
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,960
Speaker 1: processing or continue processing.

440
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:24,760
Speaker 5: Yeah, I agree.

441
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,960
Speaker 1: I think for the wedding, what I would suggest to

442
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,040
Speaker 1: is people who come to your wedding are going to

443
00:19:30,119 --> 00:19:32,760
Speaker 1: know that this is a part of your experience, and

444
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,680
Speaker 1: I think one of the best things you can do

445
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:38,399
Speaker 1: is allow people a moment to experience that to really

446
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,000
Speaker 1: like hang a lantern on it. Either you know, your

447
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,120
Speaker 1: efficient can mention something about those who can't be here

448
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,200
Speaker 1: with us today. But I also think, especially since you

449
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,800
Speaker 1: lost your mom, one really nice thing that you can

450
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:54,479
Speaker 1: do is have a table where maybe it's everybody's wedding photos,

451
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,320
Speaker 1: maybe it's parents and grandparents wedding photos, maybe it's just

452
00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:01,400
Speaker 1: a photo of each of them, but including everyone at

453
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,640
Speaker 1: least in some way in your ceremony. I think will

454
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,720
Speaker 1: will allow people like a place to put that sort

455
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:11,760
Speaker 1: of curiosity and grief for you, and also give you

456
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,960
Speaker 1: an outlet where, like you guys don't have to say

457
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,720
Speaker 1: it and be crying about it, but like heavy efficient

458
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:17,239
Speaker 1: mention it.

459
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,040
Speaker 4: I think it is something that we probably will incorporate,

460
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:20,960
Speaker 4: which will be nice.

461
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,040
Speaker 5: It'll be nice to have that.

462
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,520
Speaker 1: And then during the ceremony too, I've seen people will

463
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:27,000
Speaker 1: have like a chair reserves, like one for your mom

464
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,080
Speaker 1: and one for his dad too.

465
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,520
Speaker 4: So yeah, and I asked him about that and he

466
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:34,280
Speaker 4: was kind of I think it's funny, like he just doesn't.

467
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:37,480
Speaker 4: I think that that almost like made him sadder to

468
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:41,280
Speaker 4: think about doing something like that. So it's finding like, Okay,

469
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:44,600
Speaker 4: what feels like honoring and nice without necessarily making you

470
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:45,920
Speaker 4: more upset.

471
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,399
Speaker 5: But you're gonna be thinking about it, like obviously.

472
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,160
Speaker 1: On the day exactly and that's one of those things

473
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,480
Speaker 1: about grief is you know, we've talked about this so

474
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,480
Speaker 1: many times, it's like the more you push it away

475
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,720
Speaker 1: sort of like the larger it looms. And Chelsea, you've

476
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,520
Speaker 1: brought this up several times recently to where grief isn't

477
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,679
Speaker 1: something that you're constantly going through, right, but it is

478
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,280
Speaker 1: always sort of under the surface, and so it's like

479
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,200
Speaker 1: it comes up and bubbles up at the weirdest times.

480
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:11,399
Speaker 1: Then the thing is like, it's your wedding. People are

481
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,320
Speaker 1: gonna be crying anyway. You're gonna be crying anyway.

482
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:18,160
Speaker 2: You know, It's okay, yeah, exactly. And the good thing

483
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,919
Speaker 2: is once you let yourself cry, then you're good. You know,

484
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,080
Speaker 2: fighting crying is harder than the crying itself.

485
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,280
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, yeah.

486
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,080
Speaker 2: And it doesn't look cute either when when.

487
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,120
Speaker 5: You're trying it almost worse.

488
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:31,760
Speaker 1: Yeah.

489
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,000
Speaker 5: Yeah, no, definitely.

490
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,960
Speaker 4: I think I just I think with like going through

491
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,639
Speaker 4: losing my mom, even though it was obviously in a

492
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,960
Speaker 4: very different way she was ill, she had cancer, I

493
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,119
Speaker 4: think like once we entered this phase of things that

494
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,320
Speaker 4: was like, oh, maybe I'll be like equipped to help

495
00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:45,320
Speaker 4: somebody through their grief.

496
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:50,560
Speaker 1: No, not now, not now, Yes, and it's suicide just

497
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,240
Speaker 1: is a different experience.

498
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,159
Speaker 2: It is, it is, but it's also like listen, I

499
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,960
Speaker 2: know it's hard to say to celebrate that, to celebrate

500
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,680
Speaker 2: a life that ended in suicide, but I would still say, yes,

501
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,120
Speaker 2: celebrate the life. If they were in pain and they

502
00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:05,679
Speaker 2: had to remove themselves from this earth, then they are

503
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,840
Speaker 2: in a better place and they didn't want to be here,

504
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,399
Speaker 2: and celebrate the life that they did have and the

505
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,520
Speaker 2: happiest moments that they know that you shared with them.

506
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,840
Speaker 2: And that's how you can frame it for yourself, because

507
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,760
Speaker 2: what's the point of any other framework when you're talking

508
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:20,600
Speaker 2: about suicide.

509
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:24,080
Speaker 4: Absolutely, and we did have like a really great relationship

510
00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,160
Speaker 4: with him, so like I'm very grateful for that as well.

511
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,080
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, well I think you should talk to your

512
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:33,440
Speaker 2: husband more, you know, fiance, Sorry what you're saying to us,

513
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,120
Speaker 2: like be open with him like this. I'm sure you are,

514
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:40,200
Speaker 2: but really like get the communication flowing because it's really

515
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,320
Speaker 2: good to get it out and you want him to

516
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:43,000
Speaker 2: get it out too.

517
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:43,640
Speaker 5: Yeah.

518
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,120
Speaker 2: No, I agree for sure, even if he's not as

519
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,760
Speaker 2: forthcoming as you are, like be there with him and

520
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:49,800
Speaker 2: be there just.

521
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:54,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think it's finding the balance too, between making

522
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,600
Speaker 4: sure he knows like where I'm at, but like not

523
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:57,840
Speaker 4: feeling like I don't want.

524
00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,800
Speaker 5: To overwhelm him with write your grief emotion through it.

525
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,480
Speaker 4: And it's like if he's having a good day, you know,

526
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,080
Speaker 4: not wanting to necessarily feel like, oh he on top

527
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 4: of his feelings have to like not that, like I

528
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,520
Speaker 4: worry about him having to deal with my feelings. We

529
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:12,359
Speaker 4: do have like a good partnership with that, but not

530
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,520
Speaker 4: wanting to necessarily like add my grief to his grief,

531
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,320
Speaker 4: even though they obviously are intertwined.

532
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:21,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, I wouldn't worry about that. I would worry just

533
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:22,480
Speaker 2: about being honest and stuff.

534
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,919
Speaker 1: Yeah, sometimes guys need a push, you know.

535
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:26,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, they really do.

536
00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:29,159
Speaker 1: So you know you're not going to demand, but like

537
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,440
Speaker 1: I would really tell him this is what I need

538
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:31,720
Speaker 1: from you.

539
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:35,160
Speaker 5: Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah, I think so too. Well.

540
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,600
Speaker 5: I appreciate it very much. Thank you, thank you.

541
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,879
Speaker 2: Okay, yes, we'll be thinking about you.

542
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:41,160
Speaker 5: Oh, thank you so much.

543
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:43,880
Speaker 1: Shoot us an email after the wedding. Okay, I will.

544
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,240
Speaker 5: I will thank you so much.

545
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:49,480
Speaker 1: Bye, but bye. What a sweetie. Oh yeah, I'm jealous

546
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,720
Speaker 1: of people who can look just very beautiful when they're

547
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,600
Speaker 1: in tears, but she's one of them. One thing I

548
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,920
Speaker 1: wanted to say too, is for anybody who's caregiving. I

549
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,600
Speaker 1: used to work with Alzheimer's caregivers, family caregivers, and one

550
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,119
Speaker 1: thing that can happen a lot of times is you

551
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,760
Speaker 1: have the ill parent and then either you know, because

552
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,480
Speaker 1: of depression, suicide can happen with someone who's caregiving, whether

553
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:13,399
Speaker 1: that's a daughter, a son, a spouse, but also illnesses

554
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,960
Speaker 1: can happen because the caregiving person is under so much stress,

555
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,520
Speaker 1: they can like up and have a heart attack or whatever.

556
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,919
Speaker 1: Like sudden death is very common amongst caregivers.

557
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:22,720
Speaker 2: Sudden death.

558
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,440
Speaker 1: Sudden death. Yeah, I mean I know someone who was like, yeah,

559
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,920
Speaker 1: my fifty year old sister was the caregiver for mom

560
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:31,000
Speaker 1: while she dealt with dementia and just like died of

561
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:32,920
Speaker 1: a major heart attack one day, you know, And that's

562
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:33,840
Speaker 1: really really common.

563
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,800
Speaker 2: I just you said fifty year old woman. I'm like, oh,

564
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,000
Speaker 2: that's so much older, and then I realize I'm forty nine.

565
00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:40,000
Speaker 1: I mean, I just turned thirty nine, and I'm like,

566
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,679
Speaker 1: it's it's just it just goes fast.

567
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:46,040
Speaker 2: It goes faster and faster the older you get yes, yes.

568
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 1: But so if you are caregiving, get some respite care.

569
00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:51,200
Speaker 1: There's lots of resources for this. But like take advantage

570
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,800
Speaker 1: when someone says how can I help? Say here's how,

571
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,840
Speaker 1: and give yourself some time off. Yeah, And of course,

572
00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:00,720
Speaker 1: if you or someone you know is dealing with depression

573
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:04,040
Speaker 1: or suicide, please reach out. Help is available at nine

574
00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:06,800
Speaker 1: to eight eight. That's the number for the Suicide and

575
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,919
Speaker 1: Crisis Lifeline nine eight eight. Let's talk to Tanya, shall we.

576
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,119
Speaker 1: Tanya has sort of a tricky interpersonal thing with a

577
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,600
Speaker 1: family friend. So I like the sound of that, yeah,

578
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:19,480
Speaker 1: she says, Dear Chelsea. About ten years ago, my best

579
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,800
Speaker 1: friend set me up with her brother. It was supposed

580
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 1: to be just a hookup, but I ended up falling

581
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,159
Speaker 1: in love. We saw each other off and on for

582
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,680
Speaker 1: almost three years, and during that time I found out

583
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,840
Speaker 1: he was married. I was not only heartbroke friends brother.

584
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,040
Speaker 2: Yes, I found out was married.

585
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 1: Yes, she did not know beforehand, but found out during

586
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,120
Speaker 1: that time. I was not only heartbroken from his deception

587
00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:42,560
Speaker 1: and that my friend would deceive me, but and that

588
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,800
Speaker 1: she put me in that position. So I never said anything,

589
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,760
Speaker 1: but I stopped talking to them both for two years

590
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 1: fast forward, and we've all moved on and reconnected as friends.

591
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,000
Speaker 1: He is now married to someone else and they have

592
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:54,119
Speaker 1: a child, but it's still uncomfortable for me when we

593
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,679
Speaker 1: see each other. There's a lot of sexual tension, and

594
00:25:56,720 --> 00:26:00,919
Speaker 1: his sister my friend, mentions it and talks about how

595
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 1: she doesn't like his new wife and so on. He

596
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,359
Speaker 1: tries to hug me or comes in for a kiss

597
00:26:05,359 --> 00:26:10,040
Speaker 1: when no one is sorry, I think she means a

598
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:12,080
Speaker 1: kiss on the cheek. He tries to hug me or

599
00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:13,760
Speaker 1: comes in for a kiss when no one is looking,

600
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,040
Speaker 1: and while it's nothing overtly sexual, he lingers a little

601
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:17,760
Speaker 1: longer than normal.

602
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,760
Speaker 2: Well, if he's kissing you, wait, why I don't.

603
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:21,720
Speaker 1: Like this must be a kiss on the cheek.

604
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:25,080
Speaker 2: So we'll clarify who comes and kisses someone on the chee?

605
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:30,640
Speaker 1: Right, that's like sort of an old school moved and yeah,

606
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 1: I have no desire for a relationship.

607
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,359
Speaker 2: If he's doing that and loitering, when, of course that

608
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:42,320
Speaker 2: goes together lingering, wingering, Yeah, lingering. If he's kissing you

609
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,160
Speaker 2: on the cheek, he's definitely lingering.

610
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,359
Speaker 1: Also, like he's standing right outside.

611
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,240
Speaker 2: She's surprised by that, but not the first part.

612
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 1: So she says, I have no desire for to have

613
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,919
Speaker 1: a relationship with him, but he still lights me up,

614
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:57,040
Speaker 1: so to speak. The sex was amazing, after all, So

615
00:26:57,119 --> 00:27:00,240
Speaker 1: the complication comes now. Last December, I was with all

616
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,080
Speaker 1: of the women in their family on a trip, and

617
00:27:02,119 --> 00:27:04,320
Speaker 1: one of them brought up my previous affair with their brother,

618
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 1: but made it sound as if it was a one

619
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,920
Speaker 1: night stand. We were all drinking, and I started crying

620
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,320
Speaker 1: and defending myself, saying that I had a relationship with

621
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,960
Speaker 1: him and even loved him, even if maybe he didn't

622
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,520
Speaker 1: feel the same. I was just a little shocked that

623
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:18,720
Speaker 1: the sisters knew, and that all these years they thought

624
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,280
Speaker 1: it was a one night stand, when for me it

625
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:23,760
Speaker 1: was so much more. It felt embarrassing. Now I'm being

626
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:25,600
Speaker 1: told that I'm not allowed to come to any family

627
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,200
Speaker 1: events because one of the women and in law thinks

628
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 1: I might tell his new wife, which I have no

629
00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:32,520
Speaker 1: intention of doing. It feels so weird to me that

630
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:35,359
Speaker 1: they're inserting themselves into something that happened so long ago,

631
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,560
Speaker 1: and that without even trying to clarify with me. They

632
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:41,440
Speaker 1: made this decision. Months later, following a drunken conversation in Vegas.

633
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,199
Speaker 1: We're family friends, we travel together and we see each

634
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,159
Speaker 1: other around town. So I don't know how not to

635
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,120
Speaker 1: be a part of this family. How can I mend

636
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,160
Speaker 1: things without it blowing up in my face? Tanya, Hi,

637
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,199
Speaker 1: Tanya Hi? How are you?

638
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:54,640
Speaker 3: I'm good?

639
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:58,120
Speaker 1: How are you good? It got some drama happening.

640
00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,560
Speaker 2: Okay, so that happened in Vegas where you started crying,

641
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,879
Speaker 2: defending yourself and explaining to them that it was like

642
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:07,480
Speaker 2: an actual affair. Right, What happened after that? What length

643
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:09,480
Speaker 2: of time did you get uninvited?

644
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,000
Speaker 3: Or it was months later and nothing was ever really said,

645
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,960
Speaker 3: and then all of a sudden, it was like a

646
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,160
Speaker 3: thing out of the blue, which I was so surprised

647
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,960
Speaker 3: by because I thought, Okay, I thought we were close

648
00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:22,800
Speaker 3: enough where if it was an issue, somebody would have

649
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:26,200
Speaker 3: said something right away or maybe the next day even

650
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,720
Speaker 3: or yeah, nothing was ever said and it was months later.

651
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,960
Speaker 3: So it just feels like to me, it feels like

652
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,240
Speaker 3: it's something else or I don't know, it just seems

653
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:35,040
Speaker 3: so odd.

654
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:39,040
Speaker 2: No, I could see it being about that. Yeah, yeah,

655
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:41,800
Speaker 2: because if you like finding out if they thought it

656
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:43,720
Speaker 2: was a one night stand and they're finding out that

657
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,720
Speaker 2: it was a long term affair while he was married.

658
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 1: He's not married to her anymore.

659
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,720
Speaker 2: No, So yeah, I think you should just address it

660
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:56,360
Speaker 2: head on obviously and say, guys, listen, I understand that

661
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:59,000
Speaker 2: night in Vegas that I told you stuff, but like

662
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:01,920
Speaker 2: that was a long time time ago, and I have

663
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:05,080
Speaker 2: no intention of ever sharing anything like that with his

664
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:08,520
Speaker 2: current wife. The problem is is that you do still

665
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:12,720
Speaker 2: have this like sexual chemistry, and that's a problem for

666
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:14,959
Speaker 2: you because people can sense that.

667
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:18,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, totally, I think that. I mean, obviously, I

668
00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:21,440
Speaker 3: try to stay away as much as possible and give

669
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:26,920
Speaker 3: respect the relationship, and I definitely don't want anything to

670
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 3: do with that relationship negority Shire.

671
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:32,000
Speaker 2: But when you say he's coming and kissing you on

672
00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:32,800
Speaker 2: the cheek.

673
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,960
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, is it cheek kiss when he tries to

674
00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:36,000
Speaker 1: sneak a kiss or is it?

675
00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:36,840
Speaker 4: Yeah?

676
00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:39,280
Speaker 3: I mean, but it's like and then there's like the

677
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,920
Speaker 3: hugs maybe a little bit too long, and you know,

678
00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 3: there's been a couple of situations where he'll ask, like

679
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,360
Speaker 3: to walk me to my car, like let me owe

680
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:48,560
Speaker 3: your car, and it's just like it's just not appropriate.

681
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:51,280
Speaker 1: He's trying to find me times to be alone with you.

682
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, and to me, it's like I don't necessarily think

683
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 3: he's looking for an out or anything, but it's just like,

684
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:00,840
Speaker 3: you know how when you're married for long times. I've

685
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,120
Speaker 3: been married, and it's like, you know, it's like that

686
00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:06,640
Speaker 3: secret thing is always kind of exciting and and I've

687
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:08,680
Speaker 3: been a secret before and it's like it's so.

688
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:11,480
Speaker 2: Disrespect but yeah, it is disrespectful to you. And you

689
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:13,320
Speaker 2: do need to like set a boundary so that he

690
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,200
Speaker 2: doesn't even think he can walk you through the car.

691
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:17,600
Speaker 2: You can't like allow him to be coming in and

692
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:19,440
Speaker 2: steal it. What do you mean by kissing you, like

693
00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:24,080
Speaker 2: kissing you on the cheek? Yeah, yeah, gross? Gross? Though,

694
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:28,360
Speaker 2: why is he doing that? That's not okay? Like right, so,

695
00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 2: and he's a problem because they're worried. Now I see why,

696
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:34,000
Speaker 2: Like you're they're worried that you're gonna like like have

697
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:37,560
Speaker 2: another romance with him, right and ruin his marriage.

698
00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,000
Speaker 3: But isn't the problem with him?

699
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:42,200
Speaker 2: Why is it me? It's not there's two people, you're no,

700
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:45,080
Speaker 2: it is your it's your responsibility to to set a

701
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:48,680
Speaker 2: boundary because then he has a parameter if you if

702
00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,600
Speaker 2: you don't say anything, then he just thinks he can

703
00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:54,760
Speaker 2: keep trying until you give in if you say stop,

704
00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:58,600
Speaker 2: I'm not interested, please stop, Like be firm. You have

705
00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,600
Speaker 2: to be firm with him. Unfortunately, as women, that's how

706
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:03,120
Speaker 2: we have to be with men like that.

707
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:07,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, like he's totally a fault too, but like, yeah,

708
00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:09,720
Speaker 1: but you're not completely helpless.

709
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:12,480
Speaker 2: You have agency. You can stand up for yourself and

710
00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:15,440
Speaker 2: say no, don't kiss me like that, it's gross. I

711
00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:17,760
Speaker 2: find that gross. That'll stop him.

712
00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:19,720
Speaker 1: I don't think he necessarily need to hug him at all,

713
00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,120
Speaker 1: Like give him an off for high five. Next day

714
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:23,400
Speaker 1: he tries to come in for a hug.

715
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:27,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know, but with regard to you're not seeing

716
00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,160
Speaker 2: him at all right now, right, No.

717
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:32,200
Speaker 3: We don't talk. It's not even like there's any type

718
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:36,680
Speaker 3: of communication. And really it's like random once in a

719
00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:39,120
Speaker 3: wild type thing. So it's not like he's making an

720
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:41,120
Speaker 3: effort to see me. I don't feel like.

721
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,080
Speaker 2: That's his goal at all. And how many like are

722
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:46,320
Speaker 2: you really you're upset about missing out on all these

723
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:47,840
Speaker 2: like family things.

724
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:48,360
Speaker 5: Not at all.

725
00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:51,760
Speaker 3: No, I feel like it's putting my friend, my girlfriend

726
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:54,680
Speaker 3: in an odd position with her family. And then also

727
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:58,360
Speaker 3: we do have like where we normally a couple times

728
00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 3: a year we all hang out until like, so, now

729
00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:02,640
Speaker 3: what she's just not supposed to.

730
00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:04,800
Speaker 2: I think you can just send them an email and

731
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:07,400
Speaker 2: be like, guys, whoever this needs to be addressed to,

732
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:09,880
Speaker 2: can we please get over this? Like, I'm not telling

733
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:12,960
Speaker 2: his wife. I have no intention. I what's your situation

734
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:14,040
Speaker 2: right now? Are you married?

735
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:14,600
Speaker 5: No?

736
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:17,120
Speaker 2: I'm single, but you're single, okay. I have no intention

737
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,120
Speaker 2: of pursuing anything with your brother. That would That was

738
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:20,880
Speaker 2: a very long time ago, and that was a very

739
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:24,720
Speaker 2: drunk night in Vegas. You know, what happens in Vegas

740
00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:26,760
Speaker 2: is supposed to stay in Vegas, right.

741
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:31,280
Speaker 1: I almost just like with an asterisk, I almost wonder

742
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:33,760
Speaker 1: if it shouldn't be something that gets put into writing,

743
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:37,160
Speaker 1: just like in case the wife picks up a phone

744
00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:40,080
Speaker 1: of someone or someone shows her. I almost wonder if

745
00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:42,200
Speaker 1: it's like a phone like a series of phone calls,

746
00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 1: or like, hey, gals, can we all please get lunch?

747
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,720
Speaker 1: And you like address it. I'm a little scared about

748
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:47,560
Speaker 1: putting into writing.

749
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,120
Speaker 2: Do you feel comfortable calling them all and just saying

750
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:52,000
Speaker 2: can we get lunch?

751
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 3: Yeah? I mean I can. I feel like well I

752
00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,840
Speaker 3: did initially reach out since this conversation. I did text

753
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 3: my sitch to them all and just say, I feel like,

754
00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:05,080
Speaker 3: maybe there's something you guys are upset about, or if

755
00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:07,360
Speaker 3: I've done something, I would love to have an opportunity

756
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:11,040
Speaker 3: to make this right. And they didn't respond, so I

757
00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:14,600
Speaker 3: was like, okay, but my girlfriend is the one who

758
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:16,920
Speaker 3: called me. She's like, yeah, it's about the whole thing

759
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 3: with that half a long time ago, and they're afraid

760
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:21,840
Speaker 3: maybe you're gonna say something to the wife. And I'm like,

761
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,160
Speaker 3: that's ridiculous, and she's like I know. She's like I

762
00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:24,840
Speaker 3: know you wouldn't.

763
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:28,480
Speaker 2: She's but that's like their thought or whatever, And how

764
00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:30,640
Speaker 2: well do you know those women because those are her

765
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:32,720
Speaker 2: those are her relatives right right.

766
00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:34,600
Speaker 3: I'm gonna be I've done them for years. It's been

767
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:36,800
Speaker 3: a long time now, for a long long time.

768
00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:39,280
Speaker 1: Maybe just have to let the dust settle and like

769
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:42,080
Speaker 1: when it comes time to see them again, maybe your

770
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:44,720
Speaker 1: best friend can be your biggest advocate and you know,

771
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:46,520
Speaker 1: kind of smooth things over with the other girls.

772
00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:47,760
Speaker 2: The when did this happen?

773
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:50,560
Speaker 3: Maybe like six months ago now, I don't know.

774
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:56,320
Speaker 2: It sounds like a while. I don't know either. I'm like, fuck,

775
00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:58,080
Speaker 2: I don't know. This is a hard one. I would say,

776
00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:00,680
Speaker 2: fucking who gives a shit? Like just don't out with them.

777
00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:03,440
Speaker 3: But that's kind of where I'm leaning, Like, Okay, I feel.

778
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,240
Speaker 2: Like when you have that attitude, people kind of get

779
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:08,439
Speaker 2: in vibe with Like, if that's your vibe and you're

780
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,280
Speaker 2: not thirsty to try to get back into that scene,

781
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,719
Speaker 2: it usually comes to you more easily, you know what

782
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:17,320
Speaker 2: I mean, Like the invite will return. So I would

783
00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:20,040
Speaker 2: just say I amend when I retract what I said earlier.

784
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:22,840
Speaker 2: Don't do anything. Just let the dust settle and be

785
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:25,879
Speaker 2: your cool self and and and know that you're gonna

786
00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:27,799
Speaker 2: set a boundary with that guy the next time. He's

787
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:29,439
Speaker 2: not allowed to come up and kiss you on the cheek.

788
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:34,200
Speaker 2: That's molester behavior, right, kissing on the cheek, Get off

789
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:35,520
Speaker 2: of me. That sounds good.

790
00:34:35,719 --> 00:34:36,600
Speaker 3: I like that better.

791
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like I don't I wantn't want anyone kissing

792
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:40,600
Speaker 2: me that's not kissing me on the mouth.

793
00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:43,120
Speaker 1: I have been thinking about that recently, and like cheek

794
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:45,800
Speaker 1: kisses cowing of the movies all the time, like stupid

795
00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:47,800
Speaker 1: in real life, as if you would ever say goodbye

796
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:49,600
Speaker 1: to your boyfriend by kissing him on the cheek, like

797
00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:51,799
Speaker 1: the time that I have done is right. I'm like,

798
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:53,719
Speaker 1: I feel so weird, like kissing him.

799
00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:56,160
Speaker 2: On the cheek, and it's also a weird introduction to

800
00:34:56,200 --> 00:34:58,239
Speaker 2: a person like, yeah, that used to be the thing

801
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:02,680
Speaker 2: you hug, Like now, why am I kissing stranger? Anyway? Anyway,

802
00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:04,719
Speaker 2: good luck with your situation.

803
00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:07,840
Speaker 1: Let us know if people come around.

804
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:10,080
Speaker 2: This is a tricky one. Yeah, let us know when

805
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:12,600
Speaker 2: they come around that that would be an interesting timeline

806
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:14,800
Speaker 2: for me to know about that. Yes, all right, we

807
00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:16,239
Speaker 2: can help other callers with that.

808
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:17,040
Speaker 3: Thank you so much.

809
00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:19,800
Speaker 2: Okay, bye, thanks time. Okay, so we're gonna take a

810
00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:20,560
Speaker 2: break and come back.

811
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:27,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, perfect, and we're back. We have Jane and Johnny

812
00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:29,320
Speaker 1: calling in. Oh we have a couple.

813
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:33,279
Speaker 2: Oh a couple. Oh hi, okay, great, let's go.

814
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,479
Speaker 1: Jane and Johnny have a question. This comes from Jane.

815
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:40,960
Speaker 1: She originally wrote in and Johnny is joining, so she

816
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:43,080
Speaker 1: says to you're Chelsea, I heard you wanted to have

817
00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:46,440
Speaker 1: a couple on and my husband and I have two issues. First,

818
00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,600
Speaker 1: I've just entered my fifties and I suddenly feel invisible

819
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:53,279
Speaker 1: within the family. I sometimes feel I'm being excluded. Even

820
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 1: the dogs like my husband better than me. In particular,

821
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:58,640
Speaker 1: I have an eighteen year old stepdaughter who has lately

822
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:00,799
Speaker 1: been kind of an ass, and she's coming home from

823
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:05,680
Speaker 1: college soon. While I'm dreading it, my husband is very excited. Specifically,

824
00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:08,560
Speaker 1: she recently introduced only my husband to her friends when

825
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:10,520
Speaker 1: we were at an event standing next to each other,

826
00:36:11,160 --> 00:36:13,320
Speaker 1: and failed to even send a text as thanks for

827
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:15,680
Speaker 1: a gift. I spent months preparing to send her off

828
00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:18,440
Speaker 1: to college with Despite my best efforts to be a loving,

829
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,880
Speaker 1: fun participant in my family, I'm starting to feel like

830
00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:23,760
Speaker 1: no one really likes me or I'm majorly taking for granted.

831
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:26,040
Speaker 1: But is it them or is it me? Much love?

832
00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:27,120
Speaker 1: Jane and Johnny?

833
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:34,319
Speaker 2: Hi, Hi, Hello, Hi, look at you two cuties. I

834
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:34,960
Speaker 2: love this.

835
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:38,600
Speaker 1: So when I talk to you last, Johnny, you were

836
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:42,120
Speaker 1: actually picking up your daughter from school, right, Yes, it was.

837
00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:43,000
Speaker 2: How's that going?

838
00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:46,120
Speaker 6: I think pretty well?

839
00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:50,520
Speaker 7: And Jane, it's fine, you know, like on the surface,

840
00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:53,680
Speaker 7: it's fine after about ten months. And I'm not a

841
00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:57,759
Speaker 7: numbers person, so when I start recognizing patterns, there's like.

842
00:36:57,960 --> 00:36:59,040
Speaker 6: A big one.

843
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:00,479
Speaker 7: I don't her.

844
00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:01,840
Speaker 1: That's how I'm feeling.

845
00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:05,399
Speaker 2: Yeah, that doesn't feel good. What's her situation? With her

846
00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:06,120
Speaker 2: birth mother.

847
00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:07,280
Speaker 5: Oh, it's good.

848
00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:11,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, they have a good relationship. Correct And okay, what

849
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:17,000
Speaker 2: Johnny what they have some challenges. They have some challenges too.

850
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:19,320
Speaker 2: So what's your view of the situation, Johnny, what do

851
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:20,240
Speaker 2: you think is happening?

852
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:24,160
Speaker 6: Well, I feel like put it in the middle, and

853
00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:27,839
Speaker 6: I'm very i think my daughter's doing very well and

854
00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:30,840
Speaker 6: I'm very proud of her. But I know that, you know,

855
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:33,919
Speaker 6: she can be a shit. She didn't send a thank

856
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:37,040
Speaker 6: you note for the birthday gift, which was rude, and

857
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,440
Speaker 6: she didn't introduce her when we went to visit her

858
00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:43,520
Speaker 6: at college to her friends, which was very awkward for

859
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:46,360
Speaker 6: me and I, you know, and I felt really bad.

860
00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:48,280
Speaker 2: And did you step in and introduce your wife?

861
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:52,000
Speaker 6: When that happened, before I had a chance, Jane jumped in.

862
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:56,560
Speaker 7: She goes, hey, everyone, this is my dad, and then

863
00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:59,120
Speaker 7: everyone said hey, what's up? And then everyone was kind

864
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:02,959
Speaker 7: of looking over me and I said I'm her stepmom.

865
00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:07,840
Speaker 7: It was very awkward. And then later Johnny said, you know,

866
00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 7: that was kind of weird. Why wouldn't you And she's like,

867
00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:13,480
Speaker 7: I don't know, like whatever, And it's sort of how

868
00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:17,000
Speaker 7: it read to me was that it was more of

869
00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:21,239
Speaker 7: a reactive statement about how she feels rather than a

870
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:23,880
Speaker 7: mismanners moment that didn't come to the surface.

871
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:27,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds like to me, Johnny, that you need

872
00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:30,200
Speaker 2: to have a conversation with your daughter just about general

873
00:38:30,719 --> 00:38:34,560
Speaker 2: courteousness and respect, Like this is your wife, and I

874
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:37,120
Speaker 2: know you might be dealing with a difficult personality, but

875
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:38,920
Speaker 2: these are skills that she's going to need for the

876
00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:42,160
Speaker 2: rest of her life. So you're a conversation with her

877
00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:45,200
Speaker 2: is going to yield more benefits than it will initially,

878
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:47,759
Speaker 2: I'm sure, But down the road she will remember a

879
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:51,279
Speaker 2: meaningful conversation about treating people with respect. Never mind her

880
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:54,760
Speaker 2: stepmother who's in the house, you know, with you every day,

881
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:57,719
Speaker 2: and it is your job to have that conversation with her.

882
00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:01,440
Speaker 6: I did have a conversation about that particular incident, and

883
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:04,200
Speaker 6: how did that go? It went well, she felt really bad,

884
00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:07,279
Speaker 6: she remembered it, and then I said, well, can you

885
00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:12,040
Speaker 6: let Jane know? And she's like, yes, I'm definitely going to.

886
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:14,319
Speaker 1: But and then did she address it with you?

887
00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:15,839
Speaker 6: I'm assuming not.

888
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:21,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, that's good that you did that. Thank you

889
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:24,240
Speaker 2: for being a stand up, responsible man. Father.

890
00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:27,080
Speaker 6: Yes, Well, I don't want my daughter to be a jerk.

891
00:39:27,719 --> 00:39:28,560
Speaker 2: No, of course not.

892
00:39:28,719 --> 00:39:32,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, And Jane, I think there is a little

893
00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:35,200
Speaker 1: bit of a deeper issue, so obviously lingering resentment, since

894
00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:37,040
Speaker 1: like I know, the gift was like at the beginning

895
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:39,319
Speaker 1: when she went to school, and she's just back from

896
00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:42,200
Speaker 1: school and you're still feeling kind of nasty about it.

897
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,640
Speaker 1: So I wonder if there's a way to kind of

898
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:47,319
Speaker 1: get some positive vibes going there, just to be like,

899
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,480
Speaker 1: I'm going to be a bigger person. I'm going to

900
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:52,479
Speaker 1: invite her on a little date, will go out well,

901
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 1: you know whatever is sort of like a really fun

902
00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:56,759
Speaker 1: special thing the two of you can do together. And

903
00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:59,200
Speaker 1: I think during that time, if you want to address it,

904
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:02,040
Speaker 1: after you've sort of establish some good reports, is that a.

905
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:05,640
Speaker 2: Reality of you guys doing something together, Jane, you and

906
00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:08,320
Speaker 2: your stepdaughter, Oh okay, and that's great.

907
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:11,239
Speaker 7: And I agree that I have to rise up for

908
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:14,319
Speaker 7: this and not be like and your little dog too,

909
00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:17,879
Speaker 7: you know what I'm I can't go down.

910
00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:20,200
Speaker 1: But I don't think that means ignore it. You know.

911
00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:22,719
Speaker 1: I think, you know, since you're still feeling yucky, I

912
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:25,200
Speaker 1: think you probably should address it, but not like Hi,

913
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:27,439
Speaker 1: you're back from school. Let's deal with this yucky thing.

914
00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:30,680
Speaker 1: Get some good stuff going, get some good juices flowing there.

915
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:32,840
Speaker 2: And I also think maybe just let go of the

916
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:35,600
Speaker 2: thank you for the gift for this round. I think

917
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:37,960
Speaker 2: it's more important that she's introducing you to people than

918
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:38,960
Speaker 2: writing you a thank you note.

919
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,640
Speaker 7: Wait, wait, I need to clarify though, what that was.

920
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,680
Speaker 7: It wasn't a birthday present. It was I got her

921
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:48,320
Speaker 7: a tackle box for going to college and filled every

922
00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:53,200
Speaker 7: slot with special things for being in her dorm for

923
00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:57,239
Speaker 7: the first semester in a really really well crafted, thoughtful,

924
00:40:57,360 --> 00:41:01,600
Speaker 7: meaningful note and all their gifts in there. That like,

925
00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,279
Speaker 7: she read the note and she uses the stuff in

926
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:08,720
Speaker 7: it and never acknowledged this very thoughtful gift that after

927
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:10,879
Speaker 7: giving to her, Like I know, she's on her phone

928
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:13,520
Speaker 7: twenty hours a day, not even a gift.

929
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:15,600
Speaker 2: Emoji with you. You have to let go of that.

930
00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:15,960
Speaker 4: Okay.

931
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:18,280
Speaker 2: She is eighteen years old and she is in college

932
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:20,239
Speaker 2: and she is not thinking about writing thank you cards

933
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:22,759
Speaker 2: to her stepmother. Okay, she is about to embark on

934
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:24,920
Speaker 2: like the greatest adventure of her life and she is

935
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:27,640
Speaker 2: So you have to let go of that. Girls between

936
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,800
Speaker 2: fifteen and like twenty fuck their manners like they don't

937
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:35,320
Speaker 2: have them. You know, they're all self consumed and self

938
00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:38,600
Speaker 2: absorbed in everything that's happening to them. So let go

939
00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:40,799
Speaker 2: of the thank you note. Please just let go of it.

940
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:43,120
Speaker 2: You don't have to revisit that that would be annoying

941
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:46,040
Speaker 2: for you to bring up. At some point. I promise you,

942
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:48,279
Speaker 2: she will acknowledge that you sent that to her at

943
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:51,120
Speaker 2: some point. So asking for a thank you is not

944
00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:53,080
Speaker 2: a good way to deal with an eighteen year old,

945
00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:55,320
Speaker 2: I don't think. But I do think if you have

946
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,919
Speaker 2: the opportunity to spend time with her, spend as much

947
00:41:57,920 --> 00:41:59,799
Speaker 2: time with you her as she'll allow you to spend

948
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:03,040
Speaker 2: with her. You know, like, do it as much as

949
00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:06,759
Speaker 2: you can. Because you can't tell somebody that you're valuable.

950
00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:09,800
Speaker 2: They have to understand your value. And you know what

951
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:12,600
Speaker 2: I mean. And I think for you, Johnny, you can

952
00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:17,279
Speaker 2: even be more demonstrative of your appreciation and adoration of

953
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:19,520
Speaker 2: your wife in front of your daughter so that she

954
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:21,520
Speaker 2: understands how important she is to you.

955
00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:26,279
Speaker 6: That is a very good point. I realize I have

956
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:27,799
Speaker 6: not been doing that enough.

957
00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:28,680
Speaker 2: There you go.

958
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:30,879
Speaker 1: I love that. Like, if you get to the point

959
00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:33,920
Speaker 1: of being affectionate and your kids are like ew, that's

960
00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:36,280
Speaker 1: when you know when you're doing okay, you're doing it perfect.

961
00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:38,759
Speaker 2: You want to make sure she knows how much you

962
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:43,279
Speaker 2: like your wife, never mind love, but like and respect

963
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:47,239
Speaker 2: and how much you like and respect each other.

964
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:49,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's awesome advice.

965
00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:51,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't try and have sex or anything in front

966
00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:55,000
Speaker 2: of her. That's not what we're talking about. Guys. All right, Johnny,

967
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:56,919
Speaker 2: I can tell by your background what you're thinking about

968
00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:05,520
Speaker 2: right now. That took a turn. Well, this was fucking awesome,

969
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:08,239
Speaker 2: you guys. I love the couple. Y, this was great.

970
00:43:08,280 --> 00:43:10,560
Speaker 2: Thank you Johnny for doing so open minded and coming

971
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:15,080
Speaker 2: on the podcast in the first place. Good for you.

972
00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:16,719
Speaker 2: You're a real man. Way to go.

973
00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:20,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, you two are really cute, So thanks for joining us.

974
00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:22,759
Speaker 6: Bye, bye bye.

975
00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:23,160
Speaker 1: Good luck.

976
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 2: That was fun. Yeah, great, great, Caul. I love that couple.

977
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:29,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's bring it on.

978
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:31,759
Speaker 2: Okay, Well that was a great episode. I love the

979
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:33,840
Speaker 2: way that ended. And if you if you're a couple

980
00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:36,279
Speaker 2: out there, do not forget to convince your husband to

981
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 2: come on. See how gentle I was with him.

982
00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:39,520
Speaker 1: She were so nice.

983
00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:43,560
Speaker 2: Yes, it's easy, it's pleasant and it's fun. Or if

984
00:43:43,560 --> 00:43:46,000
Speaker 2: you're having problems with your friends. I like that too.

985
00:43:46,080 --> 00:43:50,600
Speaker 1: Yes, friendship ones actually friendships, friendship couple soon too. Sisters

986
00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:51,000
Speaker 1: is good.

987
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:52,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, sisters is good.

988
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:53,120
Speaker 1: This is just really good.

989
00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:55,759
Speaker 2: All right. Everybody get your tickets at Chelsea Handler dot

990
00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:57,120
Speaker 2: com if you're coming to see me on the road,

991
00:43:57,320 --> 00:44:00,240
Speaker 2: and other than that, I'll see you next week. Okay.

992
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:04,400
Speaker 2: So upcoming shows that I have you guys, Auckland, New Zealand, Wellington,

993
00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:09,239
Speaker 2: New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane and Australia, Sydney, Australia. We've

994
00:44:09,239 --> 00:44:11,200
Speaker 2: added second shows to places that have sold out the

995
00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:13,560
Speaker 2: first and then I'm going to be in Hawaii on Maui,

996
00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:18,000
Speaker 2: Kahului and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also

997
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:21,000
Speaker 2: in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh.

998
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:23,600
Speaker 2: I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in

999
00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:26,920
Speaker 2: Florida on July twenty eighth. I'll be in Auburn, Washington

1000
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:29,839
Speaker 2: on August first, and then Santa Rosa, California for my

1001
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 2: second show August second. August seventeenth is the Santa Barbara

1002
00:44:33,960 --> 00:44:35,879
Speaker 2: Bull You do not want to miss that. And then

1003
00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:41,239
Speaker 2: I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston,

1004
00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:44,000
Speaker 2: South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint

1005
00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:47,040
Speaker 2: Louis and Kansas City. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York

1006
00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:51,200
Speaker 2: at the King's Theater on November eighth, and I have

1007
00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:55,120
Speaker 2: tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December,

1008
00:44:55,480 --> 00:44:59,480
Speaker 2: so if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem

1009
00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:03,680
Speaker 2: or Santa Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelseahandler

1010
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:04,520
Speaker 2: dot com for tickets.

1011
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:07,759
Speaker 1: Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an

1012
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,880
Speaker 1: email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and

1013
00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:13,680
Speaker 1: be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is

1014
00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:17,439
Speaker 1: edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law

1015
00:45:17,680 --> 00:45:20,040
Speaker 1: and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler

1016
00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:22,880
Speaker 1: dot com