1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,360 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show, 5 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:30,639 Speaker 1: or welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, 6 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:33,320 Speaker 1: wherever you are in the world, Thank you for joining 7 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:38,199 Speaker 1: me for another episode. I'm guessing if you're listening to 8 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:42,879 Speaker 1: this right now, you have been ghosted. Maybe it was recently, 9 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,880 Speaker 1: maybe it was a while ago, but it really seems 10 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:50,800 Speaker 1: to me that ghosting has become somewhat of a universal 11 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 1: experience amongst those of us in our twenties, especially if 12 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,440 Speaker 1: you're someone who is dating, or even at times those 13 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:01,560 Speaker 1: of us who aren't. So if you're not familiar with 14 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:06,520 Speaker 1: the term, ghosting is essentially when someone cuts off all 15 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:10,959 Speaker 1: communication without an explanation, essentially in order to end things 16 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:14,600 Speaker 1: with you without having to say why or give you 17 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:20,520 Speaker 1: a reason. And let's be honest, getting ghosted really sucks, 18 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 1: especially when we really like someone or we've created an 19 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:28,720 Speaker 1: image or a fantasy of our future together. And I 20 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 1: think additionally, in a world where we are constantly on 21 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:37,039 Speaker 1: our phones, we have technology at our fingertips. It's hard 22 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:41,440 Speaker 1: to really understand why someone can't just shoot you a message, 23 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 1: giving you a reason why it's over, and then you 24 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,880 Speaker 1: can kind of both move on with clarity, I guess. 25 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:51,080 Speaker 1: Unfortunately for us, we don't live in a perfect world, 26 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:56,240 Speaker 1: and these days, even that very low standard for communication 27 00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 1: seems to have been forgotten, and it's frustrating. It stings. 28 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: It feels very similar to rejection, and it can really 29 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,680 Speaker 1: injure our sense of self worth and self esteem because 30 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 1: ghosting doesn't give us the closure that we all crave 31 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:17,160 Speaker 1: when a relationship, however short lived, comes to an end, 32 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,200 Speaker 1: and so we fill in the gaps, and normally we're 33 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:24,000 Speaker 1: not always realistic or kind to ourselves when doing this, 34 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: so we blame ourselves and we look for faults in 35 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:31,919 Speaker 1: our behavior and look for problems with us. And maybe 36 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,560 Speaker 1: you've actually ghosted someone in return, I'll be honest, I've 37 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,840 Speaker 1: done that once or twice, and I'm not proud of it. 38 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:42,640 Speaker 1: But when we examine some of the psychological reasons why 39 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,080 Speaker 1: people feel the urge to suddenly disappear from our lives 40 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:50,240 Speaker 1: without a trace, it becomes a lot clearer that this practice, 41 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: this trend has far more to do with someone else's 42 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:59,520 Speaker 1: emotional unavailability, with their emotional intelligence, their personality, their circumstances, 43 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:03,240 Speaker 1: than our own. So let's talk about it today and 44 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:07,640 Speaker 1: provide ourselves with the closure we don't get from the 45 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:12,120 Speaker 1: people who ghost us. We're going to examine whether ghosting 46 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 1: is really as new as we think it is, how 47 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 1: we can identify when we're going to be ghosted, but 48 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:23,040 Speaker 1: more importantly, why people do it, ranging from theories around 49 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:30,680 Speaker 1: emotional unavailability to the dark triad of narcissism, psychopathy and machiavelianism, 50 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:36,000 Speaker 1: attachment style, people pleasing, conflict, aversion, and so much more. 51 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:39,480 Speaker 1: I also want to talk about how to respond. I 52 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: know our immediate reaction is sometimes to bombard this person 53 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 1: with text messages, to keep chasing people even when it 54 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 1: becomes obvious that they are no longer interested, or even 55 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: sometimes just to lash out. I think none of those 56 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,120 Speaker 1: will bring us the closure that we want, and it's 57 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,360 Speaker 1: not going to bring us piece either. So what is 58 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:06,280 Speaker 1: the perfect way to respond to someone who has ghosted you? 59 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,640 Speaker 1: And I guess finally, how can we prevent ourselves from 60 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: being the ghoster? As much as we disapprove of ghosting? 61 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: When it's done to us, many of us are still 62 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,359 Speaker 1: I would say, very much guilty of doing it to others. 63 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 1: So what does that actually say about our own psychology 64 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:28,440 Speaker 1: and self concept? Well, as we'll talk about it actually 65 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,720 Speaker 1: says quite a bit. And I also think we typically 66 00:04:32,279 --> 00:04:35,679 Speaker 1: think of ghosting in regards to romantic connections and dating. 67 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,920 Speaker 1: That's definitely something I want to discuss today. But further 68 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:43,919 Speaker 1: to that, what about ghosting in friendships, in work relationships, 69 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:48,240 Speaker 1: and any kind of human interaction or communication. I think 70 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 1: the concept is a lot more nuanced than someone not 71 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,839 Speaker 1: just texting you back after a mediocre first date. So 72 00:04:56,120 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 1: there is so much to explore, especially as it relates 73 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:04,000 Speaker 1: to our twenties, where it seems everyone has a story 74 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 1: about being ghosted. In this day and age, the psychology 75 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:12,279 Speaker 1: is fascinating and at times I think, quite unexpected. But 76 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,360 Speaker 1: like everything we talk about on this show, there's always 77 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:21,960 Speaker 1: an explanation behind any human behavior, including the ghost So 78 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:26,160 Speaker 1: without further ado, I say we jump straight into it. 79 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:34,400 Speaker 1: When did it become okay to essentially ice someone out 80 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 1: of your life, to just stop communicating and hope someone 81 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:43,880 Speaker 1: gets the memo. Well, interestingly, ghosting is not an entirely 82 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: new concept, although I think it's definitely on the rise 83 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:50,920 Speaker 1: with the invention of things like dating apps and social media, 84 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,840 Speaker 1: both of which have really detached us from our ability 85 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:59,719 Speaker 1: to genuinely communicate. But the term actually really originated in 86 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:03,400 Speaker 1: the Earth two thousands. It's what we would call a neologism, 87 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 1: which is essentially a new term used to describe a 88 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:10,160 Speaker 1: type of human behavior that we didn't previously have a 89 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,480 Speaker 1: word for. I think it's very much a millennial term, 90 00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:17,839 Speaker 1: and before its modern meaning, to ghost really meant to 91 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,839 Speaker 1: haunt and to be haunted by the memory of someone, 92 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,600 Speaker 1: which in some ways could be interpreted as a partial 93 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,839 Speaker 1: meaning of today's use of the term. You know, a 94 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:32,360 Speaker 1: relationship dies prematurely and we're left without answers and therefore 95 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 1: somewhat haunted by the what ifs and the memories. Maybe 96 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,279 Speaker 1: this will make you feel better, maybe it won't. But 97 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:44,159 Speaker 1: people have been ghosted for generations. You know, their beloved 98 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,960 Speaker 1: would skip town, their letters would mysteriously be lost in 99 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,960 Speaker 1: the mail. People have been left without closure and without 100 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:58,360 Speaker 1: answers for all of history, particularly in romantic encounters. However, 101 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 1: I do think that ghosting has definitely become a lot 102 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,719 Speaker 1: more prevalent. There was a survey conducted in the US 103 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:10,280 Speaker 1: and Canada and it looked at over eight hundred participants 104 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 1: and it found that almost eighty percent of them had 105 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 1: been ghosted in some form or another. And researchers and 106 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 1: social psychologists they have a few explanations for this, the 107 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:26,320 Speaker 1: main culprit being Internet dating, but I think just the 108 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 1: Internet in general. You know, apps like Hinge and Tinder, 109 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 1: they give us a sense of unlimited matches and unlimited dates. 110 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 1: It's this idea in psychology of choice overload. But they 111 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:43,760 Speaker 1: also have really undermined our ability to communicate, and as 112 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 1: has social media and that sense of anonymity that it 113 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: gives us. We have become a society that can now 114 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:55,560 Speaker 1: hide behind an online message or an unfollow rather than 115 00:07:55,600 --> 00:08:00,280 Speaker 1: actually needing to have hard conversations and to expel breast 116 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,600 Speaker 1: ourselves honestly, and I think it's no surprise when we 117 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:09,160 Speaker 1: see the correlation with dating apps that this practice of ghosting. 118 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,960 Speaker 1: It typically happens in short term relationships or in the 119 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:16,880 Speaker 1: very early stages of dating when you kind of don't 120 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:20,800 Speaker 1: yet have the closeness with someone, whereby they feel you 121 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,200 Speaker 1: would need an answer if they were to end things. 122 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 1: Your lives are not intertwined. You're still very much strangers, 123 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:32,960 Speaker 1: so it's easier to have less empathy around just cutting 124 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,560 Speaker 1: you out of their lives. I don't know. I think 125 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 1: it is very typical for early stages in a relationship. 126 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:43,560 Speaker 1: But you do definitely hear these like horror stories about 127 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:48,000 Speaker 1: people in like five or ten year relationships whose partners 128 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,600 Speaker 1: suddenly disappear and they never hear from them again. And 129 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:55,360 Speaker 1: it also happens in friendships, which I think always sucks. 130 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:58,280 Speaker 1: You know, when you really feel like you connected with 131 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,839 Speaker 1: someone and then you never hear from them again, even 132 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,880 Speaker 1: when you try and reach out. And there's been this 133 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:09,840 Speaker 1: recent trend, recent term called corporate ghosting, which I know 134 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,560 Speaker 1: sounds super bizarre, but essentially we see it all the time. 135 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:17,080 Speaker 1: You go for an interview at a company and you 136 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,880 Speaker 1: never hear back, or your employer just stops giving you 137 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:25,479 Speaker 1: shifts instead of officially firing you. In all of these instances, 138 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:29,600 Speaker 1: I think it's very easy to turn the blame onto ourselves. 139 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:35,560 Speaker 1: Ghosting is very similar to rejection, if not almost identical, 140 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: and so it activates some of those same negative cognitions 141 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 1: and thought patterns. But here's the truth. It has absolutely 142 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. I don't care how many 143 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,720 Speaker 1: times you've been ghosted or who you've been ghosted by. 144 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:57,079 Speaker 1: The reasons someone ghosts you, especially in a romantic situation, 145 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 1: is their problem and their burden to cap and it 146 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,719 Speaker 1: often relates to their personality, to their emotional unavailability, their 147 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:09,080 Speaker 1: emotional intelligence, and even, like we said before, traits like 148 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 1: narcissism or psychopathy. So let's explore some of the motivations 149 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 1: and the reasons why people typically behave in this way 150 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:24,959 Speaker 1: from a psychological perspective as well. I think the psychology 151 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:29,760 Speaker 1: around this is so so fascinating and it reveals a 152 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:34,800 Speaker 1: lot about human behavior in general. So, firstly, if you've 153 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:38,240 Speaker 1: been ghosted by someone you were dating, most of the 154 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,000 Speaker 1: time it occurs because of a few reasons. So they 155 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:45,120 Speaker 1: did this study and they basically asked a bunch of 156 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 1: people like have you been ghosted? And have you ever 157 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 1: ghosted someone else? And the people who had ghosted other 158 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:54,440 Speaker 1: people they listed a few reasons as to why they'd 159 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,440 Speaker 1: done it, one of them and the most major one 160 00:10:56,480 --> 00:11:02,320 Speaker 1: being faded or misplaced attraction, but also convenience and to 161 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:07,480 Speaker 1: avoid awkwardness, not because they particularly dislike you, or because 162 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 1: they want to hurt you. Ghosting just comes with minimal 163 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 1: emotional baggage and vulnerability. It's kind of the easy way out, 164 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:18,960 Speaker 1: and it doesn't require the other person to be accountable 165 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:23,360 Speaker 1: or honest. And that sounds like emotional unavailability to me. 166 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 1: And I honestly believe that ghosting is the biggest indicator 167 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:33,520 Speaker 1: that someone is emotionally unavailable because this practice encapsulates so 168 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 1: many of the behavioral signs of an emotionally unavailable person. 169 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 1: This is someone who cannot own their own feelings, They 170 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:46,319 Speaker 1: lack the emotional skills to openly communicate, They are emotionally avoidant, 171 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,720 Speaker 1: and they treat connection as if it's infinite and that 172 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:53,600 Speaker 1: people are replaceable or undeserving of a response to them. 173 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:57,120 Speaker 1: And according to doctor Seth Myers, who is a clinical 174 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:01,320 Speaker 1: psychologist he's also one of the relationship experts behind the 175 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,800 Speaker 1: invention of e harmony throwback, but he says he would 176 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,960 Speaker 1: call most people who ghost emotionally unavailable because the very 177 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:14,960 Speaker 1: act of ghosting someone violates this fundamental social law of 178 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:20,199 Speaker 1: mutual respect and an even more basic human principle of communication. 179 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:25,120 Speaker 1: It may also indicate an avoidant attachment style and somewhat 180 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:30,319 Speaker 1: of an apathetic view towards dating and partnership. This person, 181 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,760 Speaker 1: because of the way they were raised or past relationships 182 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,840 Speaker 1: and their inherent emotional unavailability, has a lack of necessity 183 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:42,360 Speaker 1: for relationships, and therefore they're very quick to discard people 184 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,160 Speaker 1: in the most efficient way by cutting off all communication 185 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,760 Speaker 1: because they don't see the value in creating that psychological 186 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:52,720 Speaker 1: and emotional closure for someone else. They also probably never 187 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:56,079 Speaker 1: get to a point in their relationships in which they 188 00:12:56,120 --> 00:13:00,440 Speaker 1: feel the other person actually deserves clarity. And I think 189 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:05,280 Speaker 1: honestly being ghosted has probably saved you a lot of 190 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,000 Speaker 1: future emotional suffering. So I would say take it as 191 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,560 Speaker 1: a blessing that this person has removed themselves from your life, 192 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,600 Speaker 1: rather than you having to do it four months down 193 00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:18,480 Speaker 1: the track when you realize they are entirely emotionally avoidant 194 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 1: and emotionally unavailable. They really did you a favor, and 195 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,199 Speaker 1: I think we all know that saying what is meant 196 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,560 Speaker 1: for you will not miss you, and I don't think 197 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:30,360 Speaker 1: that you are meant to be with an emotionally unavailable person. 198 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:35,280 Speaker 1: I think the other element of this is emotional intelligence. 199 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:39,080 Speaker 1: When people ask me why do people ghost? Why have 200 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:41,720 Speaker 1: I been ghosted? I always ask them to tell me 201 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:46,920 Speaker 1: how emotionally intelligent they think that person was. In psychology, 202 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 1: this idea of emotional intelligence is also known as EQ. 203 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:54,280 Speaker 1: It refers to the ability to understand and manage your 204 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:58,640 Speaker 1: own emotions, as well as recognize the emotions of those 205 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:03,479 Speaker 1: around you. Opponent of that is not only obviously effective communication, 206 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:07,040 Speaker 1: which is essentially nonexistent when someone goess to you, but 207 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:11,800 Speaker 1: also empathy, which refers to the ability to sense and 208 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:16,559 Speaker 1: respect other's emotions. People who struggle with empathy, many of 209 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 1: them find it difficult to consider the impact of their 210 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:22,920 Speaker 1: actions on others, leading them to I would say, engage 211 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,640 Speaker 1: in ghosting more often as a means of avoiding confrontation 212 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,120 Speaker 1: or emotional discomfort and taking the easy way out, the 213 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 1: most convenient route for them at the expense of another 214 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:40,920 Speaker 1: person's feelings. A person's propensity to ghost is negatively correlated 215 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 1: to their emotional intelligence. They typically do not have the 216 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 1: emotional maturity to deal with complex human emotions, but additionally, 217 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:54,200 Speaker 1: they are unable to put themselves in your situation and 218 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,920 Speaker 1: empathize as to what they would have wanted if the 219 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,960 Speaker 1: tables had turned they were in your position, and I 220 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,960 Speaker 1: think that's a good reminder and a good thing to 221 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: recognize the next time you're ghosted. Honestly, thank god you 222 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,160 Speaker 1: didn't end up with someone who didn't even have the 223 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:16,800 Speaker 1: empathy to send you a text saying they weren't interested. 224 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:20,320 Speaker 1: Imagine how much empathy they would have shown you when 225 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,360 Speaker 1: you were stressed at work or when you were arguing. 226 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,640 Speaker 1: You know, absolutely not. I think low EQ is a 227 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 1: massive red flag, and if someone is willing to ghost you, 228 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: they are showing their true colors. Personality, of course, is 229 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:40,960 Speaker 1: another underlying theme here. So according to this psychologist her 230 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:45,640 Speaker 1: name is Kelsey M. Latima, people who ghost in relationships 231 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,560 Speaker 1: are more likely to have what we would call undesirable 232 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:53,720 Speaker 1: personality traits and as well kind of these behaviors that 233 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:58,920 Speaker 1: we would call very self centered, very avoidant, narcissistic, and 234 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:03,240 Speaker 1: at times manipulative. So there's this theory in psychology. It's 235 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:07,200 Speaker 1: known as the dark triad, and it refers to a 236 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: set of three very distinct personality traits that are considered 237 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:19,480 Speaker 1: socially malevolent and inherently exploitative. So these are narcissism, machiavelianism, 238 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:25,960 Speaker 1: and psychopathy. And it's believed that behaviors like ghosting are 239 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,720 Speaker 1: much more common in people who possess these traits. So 240 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:32,800 Speaker 1: let's quickly go through them. Narcissism, it refers to an 241 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,920 Speaker 1: inflated sense of self, a grandiosity that kind of tends 242 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 1: to correspond with their social status and what other people 243 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,880 Speaker 1: can offer them. Individuals who are high in narcissism, they 244 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:49,400 Speaker 1: often have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and a lack 245 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,000 Speaker 1: of empathy for others. They tend to exploit others for 246 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:56,880 Speaker 1: their own gain and kind of engauge in these self 247 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 1: enhancement tactics to maintain like a very polished self image. 248 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:09,040 Speaker 1: Machiavelianism is another that's the tendency towards manipulation and very 249 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:14,159 Speaker 1: i would say calculated, self serving social strategies. It's almost 250 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,880 Speaker 1: like they love to play games with other people. And finally, 251 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:22,600 Speaker 1: we have my favorite slash least favorite psychopathy, and that's 252 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:27,000 Speaker 1: actually a personality disorder, so someone can be a sociopath 253 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 1: or a psychopath, but it's also a personality trait and 254 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:35,080 Speaker 1: it reflects a lack of impulse control, antisocial behavior, and 255 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:39,320 Speaker 1: just an overall lack of regard for other people's feelings. 256 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,960 Speaker 1: So if you are high on these dark triad traits, 257 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,320 Speaker 1: you may be more likely to choose ghosting rather than 258 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:52,080 Speaker 1: other direct and more empathetic ways to end a relationship. 259 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:55,399 Speaker 1: You know, it's very easy to send a casual I 260 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 1: enjoyed our time together. But text, you know, that's very 261 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:03,960 Speaker 1: easy to do. And this theory that narcissism, macuvellinism, psychopathy 262 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:07,399 Speaker 1: were linked to ghosting, it was actually explored in this 263 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,719 Speaker 1: paper that they published in twenty twenty one. So in 264 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,880 Speaker 1: their study they looked at three hundred and fourteen participants 265 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,160 Speaker 1: and they found that people with higher levels of these 266 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:23,199 Speaker 1: dark triad traits were more likely not only to ghost people, 267 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:27,320 Speaker 1: but also to report that they found nothing wrong with 268 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:32,200 Speaker 1: that behavior. They found that entirely acceptable men, in particular, 269 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:37,879 Speaker 1: who displayed higher levels of narcissism, they were the most 270 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,240 Speaker 1: I would say, fond of ghosting as a way to 271 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,720 Speaker 1: end a relationship. And I think this makes a lot 272 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,360 Speaker 1: of sense when we dive a little bit deeper into it. 273 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 1: If you're a narcissist, you prioritize your own needs about 274 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,879 Speaker 1: the feelings of others, and that can lead you to 275 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,480 Speaker 1: abruptly end a relationship without consideration for the impact it 276 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:03,040 Speaker 1: has on the other person. These people have this inflated 277 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,679 Speaker 1: sense of self importance and that makes them believe that 278 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,480 Speaker 1: they are entitled to move on without providing you an 279 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:16,040 Speaker 1: explanation and without providing you closure. When we think of machiavelianism, 280 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:22,159 Speaker 1: these individuals sometimes actually use ghosting as a tool to 281 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:27,880 Speaker 1: maintain control and to maintain power. By abruptly cutting off 282 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:33,440 Speaker 1: contact with you, they create confusion, they create anxiety, and 283 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,560 Speaker 1: they know that they create a sense of longing and 284 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:39,320 Speaker 1: that means that you're going to be thinking about them, 285 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,199 Speaker 1: and that gives them a sense of control over the 286 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:46,399 Speaker 1: relationship and a sense of control over you by using 287 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:51,360 Speaker 1: I would say silence almost as like a weapon. And finally, 288 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:55,480 Speaker 1: psychopaths they obviously lack empathy, which we spoke about before, 289 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,720 Speaker 1: but another big component of this disorder and of this 290 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,080 Speaker 1: t right is that they don't feel a sense of 291 00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:06,239 Speaker 1: responsibility or guilt for the emotional impact their actions have. 292 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,960 Speaker 1: So whilst you could sit down with someone and say, oh, 293 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,240 Speaker 1: you know, you probably shouldn't ghost that person because it's 294 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,800 Speaker 1: really going to hurt their feelings, it's going to make 295 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,880 Speaker 1: them feel really rejected, it's going to injure their self esteem. 296 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:24,960 Speaker 1: Someone who's a psychopath genuinely does not have the natural 297 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,840 Speaker 1: levels of empathy to even understand that argument, So it's 298 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:32,120 Speaker 1: really it doesn't make sense to them. They see their 299 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:36,280 Speaker 1: world only as efficiency, and if they're done with a relationship, well, 300 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:40,960 Speaker 1: the most efficient, minimal impact, you know, the easiest thing 301 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,000 Speaker 1: for them to do is just to stop talking to you. 302 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:47,480 Speaker 1: And I'm obviously not claiming that every person who ghosts 303 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:51,919 Speaker 1: you can be labeled a psychopath or a narcissist. I 304 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,959 Speaker 1: really kind of disagree with us throwing those words around, 305 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,800 Speaker 1: but it is just one explanation. I also think it's 306 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:03,520 Speaker 1: important to note that there are some other less sinister, 307 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 1: but at times I would stay still really unhealthy reasons 308 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,600 Speaker 1: that people cut off communication as a way to end 309 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:14,520 Speaker 1: a connection. And one of those is people pleasing tendencies, 310 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:18,360 Speaker 1: which I think is almost the opposite of lacking empathy, 311 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,600 Speaker 1: but instead having an excess of empathy. That it's maladaptive 312 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,280 Speaker 1: and it causes us to act in a manner that 313 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,560 Speaker 1: we think is helpful, but actually it's equally as hurtful. 314 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:34,000 Speaker 1: So if you are a lifelong people pleaser, you've probably 315 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:37,719 Speaker 1: spent your whole life highly attuned to the feelings of others, 316 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:42,359 Speaker 1: but you also have a lot of problems and insecurities 317 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,560 Speaker 1: around disappointing people or telling them something that they don't 318 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,240 Speaker 1: want to hear. So ending a relationship when you are 319 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,359 Speaker 1: this kind of person, when you have this kind of instinct, 320 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:58,640 Speaker 1: can be really difficult because feelings will be hurt. So 321 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:03,040 Speaker 1: we avoid having to explicitly let someone down by simply 322 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,560 Speaker 1: leaving them to figure it out by themselves, by ghosting them. 323 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:10,439 Speaker 1: And it may seem nice and it probably saves you 324 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:15,320 Speaker 1: the emotional discomfort of hurting someone, but really you're doing 325 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:18,560 Speaker 1: more damage than if you just fought against your people 326 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,679 Speaker 1: pleasing instinct and told them the truth. That's kind of 327 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,640 Speaker 1: the paradox of people pleasing at times. Sometimes we think 328 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:29,679 Speaker 1: we're doing the nice thing, but really we're just saving 329 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,960 Speaker 1: ourselves the emotional discomfort of having to let someone down 330 00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:37,679 Speaker 1: when really they're still suffering. And I guess a final 331 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,760 Speaker 1: explanation that I really want to rest on for a 332 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:43,840 Speaker 1: second is that sometimes people just don't feel safe enough 333 00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:47,800 Speaker 1: to end things through face to face communication. I think 334 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:52,320 Speaker 1: ghosting isn't always callous. We like to be nuanced on 335 00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:56,240 Speaker 1: this show, and in some situations it's actually used as 336 00:22:56,240 --> 00:23:00,360 Speaker 1: a way to prevent a potentially undesirable and dangerous situation 337 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:04,960 Speaker 1: in which confronting the person may actually be really emotionally 338 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:09,320 Speaker 1: volatile and perhaps unsafe. I do think those instances are 339 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:13,960 Speaker 1: very rare, though, and in most cases you can still 340 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,560 Speaker 1: give someone a phone call or I just think honesty 341 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:21,600 Speaker 1: is the best policy when possible. You know, we're all adults, 342 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 1: we're not children. You need to own your emotions and 343 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:31,320 Speaker 1: be prepared to have hard conversations. Our avoidance of such situations, 344 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,439 Speaker 1: I think it may actually indicate sometimes that we are 345 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:38,120 Speaker 1: the emotionally unavailable ones. And the truth is that in 346 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:42,240 Speaker 1: any long term relationship with a partner, with a friend, 347 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:46,520 Speaker 1: with a family member, sometimes you need to have difficult 348 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,480 Speaker 1: chats and you need to let people down. But I think, 349 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:55,840 Speaker 1: regardless of someone's intentions, regardless of our understanding of those motivations, 350 00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,879 Speaker 1: being ghosted can create a lot of confusion and anxiety, 351 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,680 Speaker 1: and there's a scientific reason as to why we feel 352 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 1: that way. It's not just you, it's not just you 353 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:10,520 Speaker 1: alone in this situation. But if you've faced an instance 354 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:14,640 Speaker 1: where you have been ghosted, as unfortunate as it is, 355 00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:18,200 Speaker 1: I think there is an ideal way to respond and 356 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:24,320 Speaker 1: to respond not just externally to someone else, but also internally. 357 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,560 Speaker 1: There's something to be learnt from being ghosted. We're going 358 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,919 Speaker 1: to talk about that in just a second. After this 359 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:42,560 Speaker 1: shortbreak ghosting it it takes us by surprise, it's very quick, 360 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 1: it's ruthless, and unfortunately for the person being ghosted, it 361 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:52,280 Speaker 1: can be somewhat psychologically challenging to kind of integrate and 362 00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:55,440 Speaker 1: get over it. You know, you feel angry, You're going 363 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:59,640 Speaker 1: to feel rejected. Your self esteem may even lapse, or 364 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:04,240 Speaker 1: you will respond with cynicism around dating and connection, you know, 365 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 1: giving up on love, being like I cannot take another 366 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:12,160 Speaker 1: ghost I cannot take another instance of rejection. So why 367 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:15,760 Speaker 1: is that? There is this really fascinating article. I really 368 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,920 Speaker 1: actually would recommend it for further reading if you're interested. 369 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:23,640 Speaker 1: It's called In Defense of Ghosting, and the author explains 370 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:27,280 Speaker 1: how at the very heart of ghosting is rejection, and 371 00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:30,600 Speaker 1: the reason we find it so difficult is because we 372 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,959 Speaker 1: wanted a different outcome, and that's something that we can't 373 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:42,000 Speaker 1: always accept. Psychologically, as a species, we crave closure. Any relationship, 374 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,840 Speaker 1: however short lived, it was. It requires us to put 375 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:48,560 Speaker 1: partial trust in another person that they will treat us 376 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,840 Speaker 1: well and respect our best interests. You know, without that, 377 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:54,600 Speaker 1: there really wouldn't have even been that spark. There wouldn't 378 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:58,520 Speaker 1: have been that connection. So, whether it's been a few days, 379 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:02,879 Speaker 1: a few weeks, a few months, our brains craven ending 380 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:07,400 Speaker 1: that gives us answers, and we respond poorly to situations 381 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,439 Speaker 1: where there are blanks or there is ambiguity, and it 382 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:14,840 Speaker 1: kind of essentially feels like it renders us powerless and 383 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,760 Speaker 1: leaves us with no opportunity to ask questions and to 384 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:21,119 Speaker 1: be provided with the information that would help us to 385 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:26,439 Speaker 1: emotionally process the experience that silence that we hear that 386 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:31,080 Speaker 1: there's nothingness there. In order to compensate for that, we 387 00:26:31,119 --> 00:26:33,760 Speaker 1: provide our own answers to fill in the blanks and 388 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,679 Speaker 1: to give ourselves the closure that we desire. And often 389 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:42,399 Speaker 1: our explanations typically conclude that there was a problem with 390 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:46,480 Speaker 1: us rather than them. You know, we were too loud, 391 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:50,560 Speaker 1: we were too unattractive, we were too boring, and none 392 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:54,600 Speaker 1: of those things are correct, absolutely none of them. They 393 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,720 Speaker 1: were the immature one, They were emotionally unavailable, they were childish, 394 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:02,480 Speaker 1: you know, any human with a properly developed frontal lobe 395 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:05,280 Speaker 1: knows how to be kind but honest, and knows how 396 00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:08,800 Speaker 1: to type out a text message providing you with an explanation. 397 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:13,240 Speaker 1: This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Even if 398 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:16,040 Speaker 1: you saw it coming, even if you know maybe the 399 00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:19,840 Speaker 1: date was a little bit awkward, you still deserve an answer, right. 400 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:24,160 Speaker 1: That's just a genuine level of human respect. I think 401 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,280 Speaker 1: the other reason, though, that we find it so difficult 402 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:31,679 Speaker 1: is because we use social cues from others to regulate 403 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:36,360 Speaker 1: our emotions but also to provide us feedback around our 404 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:40,000 Speaker 1: value and our worthiness. So when we are rejected in 405 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,960 Speaker 1: such a callous way, we don't have any sense of 406 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,919 Speaker 1: how to react because well, they've kind of given us 407 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,680 Speaker 1: nothing to work with, so we don't really know what 408 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,520 Speaker 1: we can fix. We don't know how to respond. So, 409 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:55,440 Speaker 1: according to this article by Psychology Today, an amazing resource. 410 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,720 Speaker 1: By the way, if you're a psychology student out there, 411 00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:01,400 Speaker 1: this is a great resource to use. But social cues, 412 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,640 Speaker 1: as we know, they allow us to regulate our own 413 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:07,639 Speaker 1: behavior according to how other people react and the information 414 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:10,719 Speaker 1: that other people are giving us, either through their words 415 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:15,000 Speaker 1: or through their actions. But when we are ghosted. It 416 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:18,679 Speaker 1: really deprives you of those usual social cues and it 417 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:23,120 Speaker 1: creates a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out 418 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:27,960 Speaker 1: of control. It's also just the science of good old faction, 419 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:32,040 Speaker 1: like rejection, which we all know is awful and we've 420 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:35,320 Speaker 1: all been rejected. Ghosting is a form of rejection, and 421 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:39,720 Speaker 1: from a psychological standpoint, this really does just threaten our 422 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:44,240 Speaker 1: basic human need for belongingness and for social connection. When 423 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:48,600 Speaker 1: we experience this, it can trigger a range of negative 424 00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:53,959 Speaker 1: emotions like sadness, like shame, even anger, because the brain 425 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:58,640 Speaker 1: perceives rejection and ghosting as a threat to our social standing, 426 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:02,160 Speaker 1: as a threat to how accepted we are, as a 427 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:06,400 Speaker 1: threat to our inclusion in the in group, and that 428 00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:10,480 Speaker 1: activates some of the same neural pathways that are associated 429 00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:16,160 Speaker 1: with physical pain. It's an evolutionary siren, an evolutionary alarm 430 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:19,520 Speaker 1: in our head that goes, oh my gosh, this person 431 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:23,720 Speaker 1: doesn't like me. Will that mean that I survive? Because 432 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:27,560 Speaker 1: if I'm not liked historically, that meant I would not survive, 433 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:30,280 Speaker 1: and I would not live to pass on my genetics. 434 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:34,040 Speaker 1: I would not live to see my old age. And 435 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:37,400 Speaker 1: that psychological hurt can lead to a diminished sense of 436 00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:41,640 Speaker 1: self worth and self esteem, and we begin to I 437 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:45,280 Speaker 1: would say, really it internalized that you know there is 438 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:49,960 Speaker 1: no outward explanation provided by that person. I've said that 439 00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,560 Speaker 1: a million times, but no one is giving us an answer. 440 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,520 Speaker 1: We have to come up without ourselves. So it really 441 00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:59,440 Speaker 1: destabilizes our self perception and our worldview, and it leaves 442 00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:03,680 Speaker 1: us feeling particularly vulnerable and particularly uncertain. So what do 443 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:06,360 Speaker 1: we do now? What in the next steps here? What 444 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:10,200 Speaker 1: is the best way to respond? I always say this 445 00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:12,760 Speaker 1: on this show, and it is a very deep personal 446 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:18,240 Speaker 1: philosophy of mine, But no response is the most powerful response, 447 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:23,120 Speaker 1: especially when we consider why people ghost and the personality 448 00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 1: traits that may be inherent within them, things like narcissism, 449 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:32,360 Speaker 1: things like psychopathy, things like machiavelianism. Remember, for some people, 450 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,920 Speaker 1: not all, but for some, ghosting is a way of 451 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:40,640 Speaker 1: asserting their power and their sense of entitlement. They may 452 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,240 Speaker 1: expect you to lash out, They may expect you to 453 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:46,920 Speaker 1: act needy and to triple message them, and that only 454 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:52,040 Speaker 1: feeds their ego in those instances, if you're really craving closure, 455 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,960 Speaker 1: I think a message template that I read that I 456 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:57,920 Speaker 1: think is spectacular and that you could send would be 457 00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:01,040 Speaker 1: you know, hey, I haven't heard from you, while I'm 458 00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:04,600 Speaker 1: not sure what happened, but I don't want to pursue this. 459 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,240 Speaker 1: I think my time is too valuable and I don't 460 00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,959 Speaker 1: want to leave this door open. Best of luck that 461 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:14,360 Speaker 1: focus on this is my choice. You may have ghosted me, 462 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:17,440 Speaker 1: but I'm the one who's actually choosing to officially close 463 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:21,280 Speaker 1: the door. Is I think a very powerful statement, not 464 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:24,000 Speaker 1: just to them, but to yourself that you have agency 465 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:28,480 Speaker 1: in this situation. Honestly, I don't think texting people when 466 00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:31,480 Speaker 1: they've ghosted you is advisable, But I would say that 467 00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:35,320 Speaker 1: if you really need that tangible, solid ending, you really 468 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:38,240 Speaker 1: need that closure, make sure you frame it in a 469 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:42,160 Speaker 1: way that puts you at the epicenter of control, that 470 00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:45,800 Speaker 1: gives you the sense of agency. But I really do 471 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:50,360 Speaker 1: think silence is the loudest sound when it comes to ghosting. 472 00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:53,640 Speaker 1: I always try and think about this. Remember how you 473 00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:57,160 Speaker 1: reacted to their silence, Remember how it left you feeling 474 00:31:57,160 --> 00:32:00,959 Speaker 1: really hungry for more. Well, give them the feeling in return, 475 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:03,880 Speaker 1: Prove to them that you know your value and you're 476 00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:07,240 Speaker 1: worth and you're not going to beg You're not going 477 00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:11,760 Speaker 1: to ask for attention. You have an abundance of connections 478 00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:16,240 Speaker 1: and options, and if they decide to treat you with disrespect, 479 00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:19,440 Speaker 1: if they decide to treat you this way, that is 480 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,400 Speaker 1: entirely their right. But you're not going to argue with them. 481 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:26,720 Speaker 1: These individuals, I don't think they deserve a response. You know, 482 00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:29,440 Speaker 1: they didn't care enough about your emotional needs and they 483 00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:32,280 Speaker 1: don't really require any more thought from you. If that's 484 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:35,280 Speaker 1: the case, sometimes that urge is strong. Like I said, 485 00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:39,800 Speaker 1: it's only psychologically natural to want answers. So if you're 486 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,560 Speaker 1: very much opposed to sending a text message, as I 487 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:46,640 Speaker 1: would probably advise you don't, the best way to avoid 488 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:50,920 Speaker 1: that is to remove them as a potential stimulus. So 489 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:55,440 Speaker 1: out of sight, out of mind, unfollow, delete your text thread, 490 00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:59,760 Speaker 1: remove anything that might trigger you or provide a cue 491 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,000 Speaker 1: that you should message them or that you should reach out. 492 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:05,800 Speaker 1: And if you do see them, I would always say, 493 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:10,560 Speaker 1: be kind, show them that their actions did absolutely nothing 494 00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,160 Speaker 1: to shake your self confidence, nothing to shake your resolve. 495 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:19,840 Speaker 1: They did you a favor by removing themselves from your life. 496 00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,760 Speaker 1: You're also not going to change their mind. That's an 497 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:26,040 Speaker 1: important thing to remember as well. And I think it's 498 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,280 Speaker 1: also valuable to ask, you know, do you even want 499 00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:33,400 Speaker 1: to change their mind? This person is most likely emotionally unavailable, 500 00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:38,160 Speaker 1: emotionally unintelligent, or they are, you know, an unrestrained, unself 501 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:41,760 Speaker 1: aware people pleaser. What kind of future would you have 502 00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:44,400 Speaker 1: had with them? Anyways? I would say probably not an 503 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:48,520 Speaker 1: emotionally satisfying one. Their opinion really doesn't mean anything to you. 504 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,520 Speaker 1: This person barely knew you. You barely knew them to 505 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:54,960 Speaker 1: the point where they couldn't even provide you with a 506 00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:58,440 Speaker 1: message or the closure, or the empathy or the answers 507 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,600 Speaker 1: that you deserve. So I think the best is yet 508 00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:04,920 Speaker 1: to come. And I would say my final piece of 509 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:08,719 Speaker 1: advice for getting over you know, the sense of being 510 00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:12,399 Speaker 1: ghosted and kind of the pain of being ghosted is 511 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:16,320 Speaker 1: to let that disappointment teach you a lesson and allow 512 00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:19,520 Speaker 1: it to inform your own actions and your own empathy. 513 00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:23,879 Speaker 1: Meet their lack of empathy with an abundance of your own. 514 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:27,840 Speaker 1: And next time you're in a situation where you're feeling 515 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:31,200 Speaker 1: the urge to just kind of eye someone out, think 516 00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:33,880 Speaker 1: about what you would want think about this experience. You know, 517 00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:37,680 Speaker 1: we've all experienced that impulse because sometimes I think in 518 00:34:37,719 --> 00:34:40,560 Speaker 1: the chaos of life, the last thing we want to 519 00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:43,520 Speaker 1: do is have to deal with disappointing someone. But all 520 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:47,239 Speaker 1: of these experiences, I do think make us a more genuine, authentic, 521 00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,720 Speaker 1: empathetic person, and you don't want to stoop to their level. 522 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:53,600 Speaker 1: You don't want to be someone who goes someone. A 523 00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:57,440 Speaker 1: friend of mine actually has this really amazing anti ghosting 524 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,759 Speaker 1: message she uses, and I I had to ask her 525 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:02,200 Speaker 1: one day to like send it to me because I 526 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:05,000 Speaker 1: think it's so valuable. It goes something. I think it's 527 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,360 Speaker 1: pretty simple. It's like, hey, I really enjoyed getting to 528 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:10,719 Speaker 1: know you, and you're a wonderful person. Unfortunately, I don't 529 00:35:10,719 --> 00:35:12,799 Speaker 1: see this going any further, but I truly wish you 530 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:17,399 Speaker 1: the best simple closure for you and for them. And 531 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,520 Speaker 1: it saves the bad blood of, you know, having to 532 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:22,640 Speaker 1: run into someone at a party and awkwardly pretend like 533 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:27,799 Speaker 1: you didn't fully ignore them. You know, honesty is always 534 00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:31,320 Speaker 1: the best policy. We are not here to be ghosting people, 535 00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:34,440 Speaker 1: whoever they are in your life. And finally, if I 536 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:38,200 Speaker 1: haven't said enough, you are not accountable for their actions 537 00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:42,239 Speaker 1: or their choices. You are not at fault. That was 538 00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:45,200 Speaker 1: their decision, and the best way you can move forward 539 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,200 Speaker 1: is to kind of rest back in your own power. 540 00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:50,960 Speaker 1: Is to remind you that you are confident. Remind yourself 541 00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:54,520 Speaker 1: that you are self assured, that you are spectacular and 542 00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:59,200 Speaker 1: the right person would never think of treating you this way. Remember, 543 00:35:59,880 --> 00:36:03,560 Speaker 1: no one's actions can hurt you if you don't let it. 544 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,759 Speaker 1: This person was never going to be good enough for you. 545 00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:10,440 Speaker 1: They revealed that for you. They did you a favor, 546 00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:13,560 Speaker 1: and the best way you can respond to that is 547 00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:17,600 Speaker 1: by taking their answer, taking their response, and moving on. 548 00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:20,360 Speaker 1: You don't need to beg this is not the person 549 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,000 Speaker 1: for you. This is just a blip on your radar. 550 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:26,239 Speaker 1: I just think life gets so much better when we 551 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:30,239 Speaker 1: realize that other people's opinions don't matter unless we let them. 552 00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:33,279 Speaker 1: And this is really one of those instances where this 553 00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:36,480 Speaker 1: person was like a complete stranger to you, perhaps even 554 00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:39,000 Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago, and they will become a 555 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:42,680 Speaker 1: stranger again and there is no harm in that. So 556 00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:46,560 Speaker 1: I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. I really did. 557 00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:50,040 Speaker 1: I love talking about ghosting. It's something that my friends 558 00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:53,719 Speaker 1: and I talk about quite a bit actually, around who 559 00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:55,799 Speaker 1: we've been ghost to buy, But also when did it 560 00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:59,799 Speaker 1: become socially acceptable to do that? And I do think 561 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:03,280 Speaker 1: that the rise of technology and social media and online 562 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:07,600 Speaker 1: interactions have really lessened our sense of accountability when it 563 00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:11,120 Speaker 1: comes to other people's emotions. That's just one of my theories. 564 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:15,160 Speaker 1: But if you have been ghosted, however recent it was, 565 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:18,759 Speaker 1: I hope this episode provided you with the closure that 566 00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:22,759 Speaker 1: that person didn't. You really do deserve it. And as always, 567 00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,480 Speaker 1: if you enjoyed this episode, or if there is someone 568 00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:28,480 Speaker 1: in your life who really needs to hear this, you 569 00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:31,160 Speaker 1: should send them a sneaky link, not that kind of 570 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:33,399 Speaker 1: sneaky link, just send them a link to the show. 571 00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:37,000 Speaker 1: Just share it forward and maybe you'll provide them with 572 00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:40,040 Speaker 1: some insights they didn't previously have. Please also feel free 573 00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:43,279 Speaker 1: to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify. 574 00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:47,240 Speaker 1: iHeart wherever you are listening right now. It really helps 575 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:50,400 Speaker 1: the show to grow, it helps it reach new people. 576 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:52,640 Speaker 1: It makes my day. I say this all the time, 577 00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:56,440 Speaker 1: but I read every single one of your reviews, especially 578 00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:58,359 Speaker 1: when I'm like having a hard day. It's really nice 579 00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:01,040 Speaker 1: to know there's such a gorgeous, way wonderful community out 580 00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:03,920 Speaker 1: there of people who actually really care about this and 581 00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:07,400 Speaker 1: who really care about their health, They care about their wellbeing, 582 00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:11,240 Speaker 1: they want to know the psychology. That's just so amazing. 583 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:13,759 Speaker 1: We really do have the best community, so thank you 584 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:15,960 Speaker 1: so much. And if you have an episode suggestion I 585 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:20,440 Speaker 1: almost forgot, please follow me at that Psychology Podcast. I 586 00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:24,439 Speaker 1: love hearing what your experiences are and how we could 587 00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:28,239 Speaker 1: apply some of the science to them. So come have 588 00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:30,560 Speaker 1: a chat over there, come send through an idea. We 589 00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:32,799 Speaker 1: hope to see you there as well, so thank you 590 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:37,320 Speaker 1: so much. We'll be back next week with another episode.