1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,480 Speaker 1: This episode contains content that may be disturbing to some listeners. 2 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: Please check the show notes for more information. Disgraceland is 3 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:27,600 Speaker 1: a production of Double Elvis. The story about Kurt Kobin, 4 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,320 Speaker 1: his state of mind, and his relationship with his wife, 5 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:34,000 Speaker 1: Courtney Love is so complex that two episodes were needed 6 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,159 Speaker 1: to properly tell this story. If you're just getting hip 7 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,600 Speaker 1: to this now, I suggest you hit pause and go 8 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,880 Speaker 1: back to Disgraceland Episode twenty five, part one of the 9 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 1: Kurt and Courtney story, where we discuss Kurt's childhood, the 10 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:49,239 Speaker 1: rise of his band Nirvana, and it's hooking up with 11 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:53,120 Speaker 1: the love of his life, Courtney Love. In this episode, 12 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 1: we finally get around to some great Courtney Love music, 13 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,280 Speaker 1: unlike the music played at the top of the show. 14 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,360 Speaker 1: That wasn't great music. That was a preset loop from 15 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: my mellotron called Swinging Shotgun Rhythm BK one. I played 16 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,039 Speaker 1: you that loop because I can't afford the rights to 17 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:12,360 Speaker 1: the sign by ace of Bass. And why would I 18 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:15,360 Speaker 1: play you that specific slice of Neo Abbacheese? Could I 19 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 1: afford it? Because that was the number one song in 20 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:22,920 Speaker 1: America on April first, nineteen ninety four, and that was 21 00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:25,600 Speaker 1: the day Kurt Cobain jumped over the six foot wall 22 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:29,440 Speaker 1: at Exodus Recovery Center and escaped rehab, setting off a 23 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,440 Speaker 1: series of events that will put an end to what 24 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 1: was at that point rock and Roll's first family of 25 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:39,600 Speaker 1: grunge shot on this episode, swinging shotguns, neo abba cheese, 26 00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:44,840 Speaker 1: a rehab breakout, court you love, Kurt kobein. I'm Jake Brennan, 27 00:01:45,319 --> 00:02:12,760 Speaker 1: and this is disgraceland. Despite what you think of Courtney Love, 28 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:17,240 Speaker 1: she was for a minute anyway, Punk is fucked, especially 29 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,840 Speaker 1: if we define punk as a particular type of rebellion, 30 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 1: one that sits the nexus of aggression, authenticity, anarchy, and 31 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:28,760 Speaker 1: the relentless pursuit of freedom and indulgence. It's unsurprising because 32 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,160 Speaker 1: Courtney Love was raised around the most punk band of 33 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:35,080 Speaker 1: all time, The Grateful Dead. I know you're ready to 34 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,480 Speaker 1: bang the unsubscribed button and throw your phone against the 35 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,360 Speaker 1: wall because your one time favorite podcaster just called the 36 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:45,400 Speaker 1: Grateful Dead punk. Thing is I'm right? As a band, 37 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 1: The Grateful Dead, a band that I care little for, 38 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 1: by the way, did exactly what they wanted to do, 39 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,520 Speaker 1: only when they wanted to do it, and always always 40 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,640 Speaker 1: on their own terms. For whatever they lacked in aggression, 41 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 1: they made up for an authenticity, anarchy, and the relentless 42 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 1: pursuit of freedom, and indulgence. Ever been to a parking 43 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,120 Speaker 1: lot outside of a Dead show, something tells me that 44 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 1: anarchy and indulgence fit the bill. And as a band, 45 00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:12,320 Speaker 1: nobody could ever tell the Dead what to do. They 46 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,840 Speaker 1: did whatever the fuck they wanted and succeeded at it. 47 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,959 Speaker 1: They had exactly one top ten single over a thirty 48 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:21,079 Speaker 1: year career, and that single was more than twenty years 49 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,400 Speaker 1: into their career. Yet, through the strength of their authenticity, 50 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:27,920 Speaker 1: connected with one of the largest, most fervent and commercially 51 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,920 Speaker 1: consequential fan bases of all time. And they did it 52 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,600 Speaker 1: themselves with next to no help from their record label. 53 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,640 Speaker 1: And what's more punk than that, they also did a 54 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 1: ton of drugs, in particular insanely powerful LSD. Courtney Love 55 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 1: was born Courtney Michelle Harrison in San Francisco on July ninth, 56 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,520 Speaker 1: nineteen sixty four. By the time she was five years old, 57 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,880 Speaker 1: the hippie movement in San France famed hate Ashbury District, 58 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:57,200 Speaker 1: was in full swing. Her father, Hank Harrison, was college 59 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,480 Speaker 1: buds with Grateful Dead, bassist Phil Lesh and back when 60 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 1: they were called the Warlocks, Courtney's dad managed the Grateful Dead. 61 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,480 Speaker 1: His management stint was short lived, but Hank, his wife, 62 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,560 Speaker 1: and his dirty blonde baby girl hung around the Dead constantly, 63 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:14,080 Speaker 1: taking advantage of the relentless pursuit of freedom and indulgence 64 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,840 Speaker 1: offered during the Summer of Love. They partook in orgies 65 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:23,840 Speaker 1: and experimented with whatever drugs came their way, especially LSD. Eventually, 66 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:26,440 Speaker 1: Courtney's mom had had enough and split for Oregon with 67 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:30,159 Speaker 1: her girl. In her child custody battle with Hank, she 68 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 1: testified that Hank gave LSD to Courtney as an infant heavy, 69 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:39,080 Speaker 1: like the music Courtney would eventually create, but only after 70 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:41,880 Speaker 1: managing to claw and scrape her way through a childhood 71 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:46,359 Speaker 1: that was just as dysfunctional as her eventual husbands, custody battles, 72 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:50,720 Speaker 1: foster parents, sexual abuse reform school, a brief, semi successful 73 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 1: run at Hollywood, appearing in Alex Cox's critically acclaimed Sit 74 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:57,240 Speaker 1: A Nancy from nineteen eighty six and his follow up 75 00:04:57,279 --> 00:05:00,400 Speaker 1: Straight to Hell in nineteen eighty seven, to eventually working 76 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 1: her way around a stripper's pole in Alaska, then back 77 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,560 Speaker 1: to La It is stripping at jumbos down on Hollywood 78 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,039 Speaker 1: Boulevard to save enough money for a nose job in 79 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,840 Speaker 1: order to get a record deal. Her reasoning not mine 80 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 1: to landing a deal with Caroline Records to eventually getting 81 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:17,120 Speaker 1: herself into the position to take her unique talents, experienced 82 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:20,159 Speaker 1: sex appeal, outsized personality, and new nose and do a 83 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,599 Speaker 1: recording studio with her new female dominated band she created 84 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 1: called Whole. The result, as stated before, was in a 85 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:32,839 Speaker 1: word heavy. Hole's debut nineteen ninety one album, Pretty on 86 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,000 Speaker 1: the Inside, is a bombastic and sludgy gen X blast 87 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:39,839 Speaker 1: that basically says one thing, I'm Courtney Love. You've never 88 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 1: heard or seen anything like me before, so buckle up 89 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,360 Speaker 1: because shit's about to get exciting. Is that one thing 90 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 1: or three things doesn't matter. Literally, the first thing you 91 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,159 Speaker 1: hear on the recording is Courtney's vocal over a distorted 92 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,239 Speaker 1: mid tempo doom riff with lyrics that imagine an argument 93 00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:59,000 Speaker 1: between mother and daughter. The sting of Courtney's childhood was 94 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 1: front and center. It wasn't going anywhere, and neither was she. 95 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:08,279 Speaker 1: Courtney Love was impossible to ignore. At least that's what 96 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,400 Speaker 1: Kurt Cobaine thought. Within thirty seconds of meeting her at 97 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,800 Speaker 1: a dank Portland club, he was tussling on the beer 98 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 1: soaked floor with her, wrestling playfully over some bullshit comment 99 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,480 Speaker 1: Courtney made while Kurt was loading his gear in before 100 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 1: a Nirvana gig, something about how he looked like Dave 101 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:27,280 Speaker 1: Perner from sol Asylum. To Kurt, them's was fighting words, 102 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,640 Speaker 1: so things got physical. It turned Kurt on. It left 103 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,480 Speaker 1: an impression one that Kurt was eager to explore the 104 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,720 Speaker 1: next time their pass crossed on the road in the UK, 105 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,960 Speaker 1: Courtney on the road with Hole, Kurt with Nirvana, and 106 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,599 Speaker 1: then again stateside in Chicago, where they eventually got around 107 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 1: giving into that building sexual tension. They both fell hard 108 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,840 Speaker 1: and fast. It was October of nineteen ninety one, right 109 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,320 Speaker 1: in the midst of Nirvana's ascent via the release of 110 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,800 Speaker 1: never Mind. The two were married in February nineteen ninety two, 111 00:06:54,880 --> 00:07:17,240 Speaker 1: and voila rock and roll royalty. In the early nineteen nineties, 112 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 1: you couldn't get more mainstream than Vanity Fair magazine, comprised 113 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:25,520 Speaker 1: of a list contributors like Dominic Dunn's starmaking photographers like 114 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,160 Speaker 1: Herbritz and Annie Liebowitz, and Helmed by genius editors Tina 115 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,680 Speaker 1: Brown and Graydon Carter, the High Gloss mag both projected 116 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 1: and reflected American culture. But what set it apart from 117 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 1: other mainstream outlets, in addition to the quality of its content, 118 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,440 Speaker 1: was its willingness to brazenly wade into the waters of 119 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:46,960 Speaker 1: high society and celebrity scandal. In nineteen ninety two, Vanity 120 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,920 Speaker 1: Fair was covered monthly by the images of mega celebrities 121 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,840 Speaker 1: like Kevin Costner, Jack Nicholson, and Princess Diana, boasting articles 122 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:58,320 Speaker 1: such as Norman Mahler on Oliver Stone's JFK, fran Lebowitz 123 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 1: on money, and Nicktotius on Ed Sullivan, not to mention 124 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,480 Speaker 1: the steady stream of aristocratic scandal covered by Dominic Dunn. 125 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: The cover of the September issue featured Geena Davis riding 126 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:11,800 Speaker 1: high on the sales of her ninety two star turn, 127 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: alongside Tom Hanks Madonna in a league of their own. 128 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:19,800 Speaker 1: The cover also promised prospective reader's insight into Gourvidal, Camille Paglia, 129 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 1: and Courtney Love. The article on the recently wed grunged 130 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,400 Speaker 1: queen to a reluctant voice of a generation husband was 131 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 1: to Courtney anyway supposed to be like all the other articles, 132 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,679 Speaker 1: a blow up, celebrating her outrageous sense of now, her 133 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,120 Speaker 1: arrival on the scene in the gen x takeover of 134 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:41,079 Speaker 1: attired mainstream culture, with Courtney Love leading the charge, of course, 135 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 1: because when he got right down to it, who was 136 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,920 Speaker 1: more able or deserving? Courtney was fearless, unafraid to say 137 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:50,680 Speaker 1: or do anything, and her band was the shit. Hull 138 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 1: had been the subject of intense courting by the major 139 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,319 Speaker 1: record labels, indeed the first full fledged bidding war over 140 00:08:56,360 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 1: an unsigned female fronted band. Clive Davis and Rick Rubery 141 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,839 Speaker 1: lined up and were sent packing. The deal Courtney was 142 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: striking was to become mold breaking, and its financial favorability 143 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,560 Speaker 1: for the artist, a female artist her a fact. She 144 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,000 Speaker 1: took deserved pride and pushing into the face of any 145 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:15,280 Speaker 1: and all who brought the deal up in her presence. Sure, 146 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,679 Speaker 1: mister sexist label suit and ti guy, you want to 147 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 1: imply that my rock star husband is co writing my 148 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,280 Speaker 1: songs because I'm a woman and I'm unable to do 149 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,920 Speaker 1: it myself, then fuck you very much. The cost of 150 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:28,880 Speaker 1: my publishing just went up. And okay, mister rock journalist, dude, 151 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:32,000 Speaker 1: with your go tee, your mall bought leather and reader tested, 152 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,080 Speaker 1: editor approved list of boring questions. You want to ask 153 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,439 Speaker 1: me about my influences or what my thoughts are on grunge. 154 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,240 Speaker 1: My thoughts are it's a joke, just like you, and 155 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,640 Speaker 1: my influences are twofold. My inner labia at my outer labia. 156 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:49,439 Speaker 1: Those are my influences. Fuck off. This was the sort 157 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,640 Speaker 1: of interview fans of Courtney Love had grown used to 158 00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:54,680 Speaker 1: in nineteen ninety two, and most journalists were either too 159 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 1: hapless or too horrified to affect anything different, not that 160 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,960 Speaker 1: they necessarily wanted to. At the end of the day, 161 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,400 Speaker 1: it made for good copy, and good copy made for 162 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,840 Speaker 1: good sales, so it was a dance worth doing for 163 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:10,200 Speaker 1: both parties. Rock mags shrugged off Courtney's exhibitions act and 164 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,199 Speaker 1: played along while Courtney left a trail of burning expletives 165 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:17,280 Speaker 1: singing the pages of rock magazines everywhere. But Vanity Fair 166 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,120 Speaker 1: wasn't a rock magazine. It was Vanity Fair, and this 167 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 1: game of shock that Courtney Loved was playing was far 168 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,760 Speaker 1: less interesting than the shocking truth behind the life she 169 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: and Kurt Cobaine were living. The truth was that they 170 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 1: were barely living. The truth was that they were heavily 171 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 1: addicted to heroin despite being pregnant to Vanity Fair. It 172 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,560 Speaker 1: wasn't entertaining, it wasn't funny, It wasn't safe, It wasn't 173 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 1: even legal. It was gross dangerous and in need of 174 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:46,319 Speaker 1: being exposed. In the interview, Courtney's normal bomb bass, total 175 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,280 Speaker 1: lack of humility, and name dropping are all on display, 176 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,800 Speaker 1: off putting qualities to any sane person that are ultimately 177 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,320 Speaker 1: balanced out by the details surrounding her vanguard's style, fearless 178 00:10:56,360 --> 00:11:00,320 Speaker 1: feminism and quote machine motor mouth. You're quickly reminded that 179 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 1: she's a rock stars rock star, and oh yeah, isn't 180 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,520 Speaker 1: that why we're reading about her in the first place, 181 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,280 Speaker 1: until the article wades into the salacious details surrounding her 182 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:11,920 Speaker 1: in her rockstar husband's heroin habit, a habit that has 183 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:15,120 Speaker 1: twenty unnamed industry sources quoted, and the couple is being 184 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:19,040 Speaker 1: heavily into heroin, a habit Courtney actually boasts about while 185 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:22,679 Speaker 1: recounting her whirlwind marriage to Kurt, saying, quote, we went 186 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,160 Speaker 1: on a binge, referring to their time in New York 187 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:29,160 Speaker 1: City during Kurt's first SNL appearance. Another quote, we did 188 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,280 Speaker 1: a lot of drugs. We got pills, and then we 189 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: went down to Alphabet City and Kurt wore a hat. 190 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,319 Speaker 1: I wore a hat, and we copped some dope and 191 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,840 Speaker 1: then we got high and went to SNL. After that, 192 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,280 Speaker 1: I did heroin for a couple of months. The only 193 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,079 Speaker 1: problem with the quote was that a few paragraphs earlier 194 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,800 Speaker 1: in the article, Courtney explained that she had been pregnant 195 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:51,040 Speaker 1: when Kurt proposed and when they were married in Hawaii, 196 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,240 Speaker 1: and that that happened before the SNL gig and thus 197 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 1: before the month's long heroin bin she bragged about, and 198 00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:02,240 Speaker 1: thus she was doing heroin while pregnant. When the article 199 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,960 Speaker 1: hit newsstands, Holy hell broke up. The press revolted. No 200 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,720 Speaker 1: more fucking around, the safety of a kid was at risk. 201 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 1: Articles popped up everywhere condemning the rock star couple's behavior. 202 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 1: Kurt and Courtney went into a warlike posture, denied everything, 203 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:19,480 Speaker 1: claimed Vanity Fair misquoted them, made the story up to 204 00:12:19,559 --> 00:12:23,600 Speaker 1: sell magazines. Vanity Fairs stood by the writer Lynn Hirschberg. 205 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,679 Speaker 1: The couple threatened the Sioux and drew into themselves, became 206 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 1: super guarded and Distrustful of all media, they phoned in 207 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 1: violent threats to writers of follow up pieces they believed 208 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:37,800 Speaker 1: perpetuated Vanity Fair's so called lies. The story became unavoidable, 209 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,559 Speaker 1: and Courtey Love became a household name before her major 210 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 1: label album was even released. Los Angeles Children Services opened 211 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:49,280 Speaker 1: an investigation and removed Kurt and Courtney's newborn baby, Francis Bean, 212 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:52,600 Speaker 1: from their custody after she was born, Fearing for her safety. 213 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,719 Speaker 1: Courtney's sister was given temporary custody, and the couple was 214 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 1: unable to visit with her newborn baby alone. After several 215 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,800 Speaker 1: months of drug test Kurt and Courtney regained custody, but 216 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,640 Speaker 1: not before the whole episode took its toll on Kurt, 217 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:10,040 Speaker 1: who his whole life longed for her family a sense 218 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,840 Speaker 1: of home, and here it was, at long last, only 219 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: to be broken up by someone else's hand. The pain 220 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 1: was familiar, as was the shame, and Kurt would never 221 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:24,000 Speaker 1: recover from it. We'll be right back after this word, 222 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:33,120 Speaker 1: word word. Kurt and Courtney marveled at the sonogram. There 223 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,319 Speaker 1: she was, her fingers and toes were all there, and 224 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,160 Speaker 1: Kurt swore that their child had just flashed the devil 225 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:43,480 Speaker 1: horn rock salute as she floated suspended in utero. Thank 226 00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:47,800 Speaker 1: fucking God, everything was going to be okay. At home, 227 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,080 Speaker 1: It was a different story. Throughout her pregnancy. Courtney did 228 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,280 Speaker 1: her best to stay clean, but it was a struggle, 229 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,840 Speaker 1: especially because Kurt was using heroin and high every day. 230 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:00,560 Speaker 1: He looked like shit. His face was pale, unmarked with 231 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,040 Speaker 1: scabs that he absently picked out with dirty fingernails. His 232 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:07,640 Speaker 1: pupils were pinpoints. At least he had the decency to 233 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 1: shoot up out of her sight so she wouldn't be tempted. 234 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,679 Speaker 1: Courtney was determined to stay healthy, to prove the press wrong, 235 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,840 Speaker 1: and to give birth to a healthy baby, and that 236 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,360 Speaker 1: meant she needed to avoid Kurt as much as possible. 237 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:23,200 Speaker 1: When Courtney went into labor on August eighteenth, nineteen ninety two, 238 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:27,280 Speaker 1: Kurt was already at La Cedar Sinai Medical Center. He 239 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,360 Speaker 1: checked himself in earlier that month to detox off smack 240 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,960 Speaker 1: for the birth of his child, you know, like most 241 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:37,240 Speaker 1: first time dads. The gurney was rickety, uncomfortable, as was 242 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:41,120 Speaker 1: the hospital gown, cheap in course on Courtney's skin. She wailed, 243 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:45,320 Speaker 1: her insides twisted, where the fuck was Kurt. Courtney bounced 244 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,640 Speaker 1: off to gurney in her paper slippers and began waddling 245 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,640 Speaker 1: throughout the hospital in search of her junkie husband. If 246 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: she could go through the pain of labor, his skinny 247 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,960 Speaker 1: ass could go through the pain of heroin withdrawals to 248 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,680 Speaker 1: witness the birth of their first child. Courtney later said 249 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,360 Speaker 1: of the ordeal, I'm happy the baby it's coming, and 250 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,560 Speaker 1: Kurt's puking, he's passing out, and I'm holding his hand 251 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,920 Speaker 1: and rubbing his stomach while the baby's coming out of me. 252 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 1: After the ordeal was over, Courtney could laugh about it, 253 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:13,200 Speaker 1: but in the moment she needed him and he wasn't there. 254 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 1: And body maybe yes, but not much else. This level 255 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,200 Speaker 1: of commitment for Kurt would continue, as the couple said 256 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:26,640 Speaker 1: about raising their daughter, Francis being Kobain. After finally gaining 257 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,280 Speaker 1: legal custody, it didn't take Kurt long to get back 258 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:33,200 Speaker 1: into his habit. On Francis Bean's first birthday, he nodded 259 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,520 Speaker 1: off comatost on heroin while holding his baby in his lap. 260 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,440 Speaker 1: Courtney tried to get him to wake up and engage 261 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,560 Speaker 1: to celebrate, but he couldn't. He was tired. He reasoned 262 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 1: as if his wife left to do the heavy lifting 263 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,240 Speaker 1: of rearing an infant, wasn't. But of course, Courtney was 264 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:52,400 Speaker 1: exhausted and frankly tired of her husband's bullshit. She took 265 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,960 Speaker 1: a good long look at Kurt, thought for a second 266 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,000 Speaker 1: of their future, and then turned her attention back to 267 00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:02,240 Speaker 1: her daughter. Distracted for the moment anyway, Kurt continued to 268 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,160 Speaker 1: be distracted as well, but not just by Heroin. He 269 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,560 Speaker 1: had a record to make, a follow up to never Mind. 270 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,720 Speaker 1: He holed up in the studio with legendary punk rock 271 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:14,760 Speaker 1: producer Steve Albini. Kurt was stoked with Albini behind the board. 272 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,840 Speaker 1: The snares would sound like shotguns, the solos like shredding 273 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,040 Speaker 1: power tools, and the screams like they were meant to 274 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:24,520 Speaker 1: raw and honest. Albini liked to have fun in the studio. 275 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:28,600 Speaker 1: Prank calling rock stars was the game. Their target heart 276 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,840 Speaker 1: throb Evan Dando of the Lemonheads, who Kurt had a 277 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:36,080 Speaker 1: special hatred for. Dando's matinee good looks had been plastered 278 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,920 Speaker 1: over countless magazines, and the dude, to Kurt's estimation, seemed 279 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,640 Speaker 1: to be enjoying it just a little too much. It 280 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:46,400 Speaker 1: was an affront to his punk rock sensibility. Plus Courtney 281 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:50,480 Speaker 1: was into him. Kurtis knew it. Somehow they got the 282 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,440 Speaker 1: number to where Dando was staying on tour. They dialed. 283 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:56,400 Speaker 1: Dando answered. They told him they were calling from Madonna's 284 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,680 Speaker 1: publicity office and that Madonna was very interested in speaking 285 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 1: with him and meeting up. And I mean, come on, 286 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,000 Speaker 1: why wouldn't Madonna want to meet up with him? Dando 287 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:09,280 Speaker 1: recently it was perfectly plausible, So Dando waited, stewing. On 288 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,000 Speaker 1: the other end, Kurt, Albini and Dave girls suppressed their 289 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: laughter while Dando cooled his jets, impatiently contemplating the wild 290 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:18,600 Speaker 1: sexual future he was about to have with his teenage fantasy. 291 00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:21,200 Speaker 1: And the more they made him wait, the funnier gut 292 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: and the more they try to hold their laughs, the 293 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:24,879 Speaker 1: more their guts felt like they were going to split. 294 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,440 Speaker 1: Danda was losing it on the other end by now, 295 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 1: where is she? Hurry up, man, I'm going to start 296 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,359 Speaker 1: beating off. Albini told him they were going to have 297 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,159 Speaker 1: to call him back and hung up before giving up 298 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:39,359 Speaker 1: the joke. They all laughed uncontrollably, but the last for 299 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,320 Speaker 1: Kurt were seldom during the time of in Utero, and 300 00:17:42,359 --> 00:17:45,160 Speaker 1: Evan Dando wasn't the only Alterner frontman that Kurt felt 301 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:48,359 Speaker 1: threatened by. There were rumors Courtney was unfaithful to him. 302 00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:50,919 Speaker 1: While he was on the road, Kurt could sense what 303 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,640 Speaker 1: was really going on. Despite whatever jealousy roiled through him 304 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,240 Speaker 1: or what Courtney did or didn't hold over his head, 305 00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,919 Speaker 1: Kurt could feel that the drugs in the distance of 306 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 1: being a touring musician were pulling him apart from his wife, 307 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,639 Speaker 1: despite the love that was at their core. It was 308 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:09,400 Speaker 1: all bullshit. Courtney never cheated on him. She's quoted as 309 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,399 Speaker 1: saying I almost cheated on him one time. I almost 310 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,399 Speaker 1: did one time, and he knew it. I have no 311 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,959 Speaker 1: idea how he knew it. The plan did never go anywhere. 312 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,960 Speaker 1: Nothing happened, but the response to it was he took 313 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,520 Speaker 1: sixty seven roofinols and ended up in a coma because 314 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,720 Speaker 1: I thought about cheating on him. I mean fuck Somehow. 315 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: While on tour in Germany, in supportive in Utero, it 316 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,840 Speaker 1: all became too much for Kurt. He was reeling from 317 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,639 Speaker 1: the rumored infidelity and it loose ends from being away 318 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,120 Speaker 1: from home with two shows left for the tour, Kurt 319 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,080 Speaker 1: up and quit canceled the final concerts after ending his 320 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 1: last set with the scorching version of Heart Shaped Box. 321 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,840 Speaker 1: After the show, he called his lawyer to say he 322 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,520 Speaker 1: wanted to divorce Courtney. Confused and hurt, he jumped on 323 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,199 Speaker 1: a plane to meet Courtney and Francis and Rome. The 324 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,680 Speaker 1: plan was to give it another shot, try to save 325 00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:00,680 Speaker 1: his family, save his home. Kurt's out on the plane 326 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:04,639 Speaker 1: in silence, shell shocked, stoned. He had booted himself up 327 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,080 Speaker 1: with heroin before arriving at the airport, and he'd be 328 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,320 Speaker 1: high enough to stave off the itch during the flight. 329 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,240 Speaker 1: But fighting off the gnawing feeling in his gut, the 330 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,200 Speaker 1: feeling that he was losing his wife, his family, well, 331 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,240 Speaker 1: that was another story entirely. It was all Kirk could 332 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:21,639 Speaker 1: think of Courtney with some other dude. The thought of 333 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,879 Speaker 1: it sickened him. Literally. He felt the nausea coming up 334 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,280 Speaker 1: on him from his seat in first class, but somehow 335 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 1: managed to keep it down. Stupidly, Kurt hadn't brought anything 336 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,920 Speaker 1: to occupy himself with for the flight, no book, no magazine, 337 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,120 Speaker 1: just a head full of jealousy and a heart full 338 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,720 Speaker 1: of shame. He sat quietly to pass the time. He 339 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,960 Speaker 1: did his best to recount the lyrics to Black Flags 340 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,159 Speaker 1: My War, but instead somehow kept finding his way to 341 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: the lyrics for black Flags. Jealous again, it was torture. 342 00:19:50,560 --> 00:20:03,199 Speaker 1: Finally the plane landed. Kurt arrived at the Excelsior Hotel 343 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:08,160 Speaker 1: room early. He went full romance, roses, chocolate, champagne, candles. 344 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,960 Speaker 1: He'd win her back. He'd loved her, and she loved 345 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 1: him despite whatever bullshit she'd been up to, And besides, 346 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,160 Speaker 1: it's not like he'd been a model husband and father. 347 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,040 Speaker 1: And at the end of the day, they both loved 348 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:21,840 Speaker 1: Francis Bean. They were a family, and they made a 349 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:25,359 Speaker 1: home and it was worth saving. When Courtney and the 350 00:20:25,359 --> 00:20:28,879 Speaker 1: baby arrived, things didn't go as Kurt planned. After she 351 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,960 Speaker 1: put the baby to bed and the couple finished their 352 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:34,680 Speaker 1: room service dinner and exhausted, Courtney rolled over and promptly 353 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,840 Speaker 1: passed up the teary, joyful reunion that Kurt had envisioned. 354 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,320 Speaker 1: Wasn't happening. Didn't she love him? Didn't she want to 355 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:45,360 Speaker 1: be with him? What was wrong with her? Something was off? 356 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:50,040 Speaker 1: Kurt decided she smelled different. He could smell something different. 357 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,720 Speaker 1: About her, someone else's smell on her. He was sure 358 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,439 Speaker 1: of it, and it wouldn't go away. Kurt drifted in 359 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,760 Speaker 1: and out of sleep, and each time he woke, that 360 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,960 Speaker 1: foreign smell was right there in his day, fucking with him, 361 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,720 Speaker 1: daring him to face the obvious, the deep, dark, dirty mirror, 362 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:08,280 Speaker 1: the one that would reflect the truth, the truth that 363 00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:10,600 Speaker 1: his home had been busted up. It was all over, 364 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,399 Speaker 1: with the hotel room dark and quiet, and his wife 365 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:18,280 Speaker 1: and baby sound asleep. Kurt Kobean wrote a letter, My 366 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,360 Speaker 1: doctor says that like Hamblet, I need to choose life 367 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,399 Speaker 1: or death. He put the pen down and shook sixty 368 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:27,000 Speaker 1: roof and doles out of an amber bottle. He stuffed 369 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,000 Speaker 1: them into his mouth and downed them with the last 370 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,960 Speaker 1: of the champagne. He then picked up the pen and wrote, 371 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:54,639 Speaker 1: I'm choosing death. The press reported the Roman incident as 372 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:58,960 Speaker 1: an accidental overdose, but for Courtney, the truth was unavoidable 373 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:03,760 Speaker 1: and scary as fuck. Kurt Coban hated himself and wanted 374 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:07,880 Speaker 1: to die. Kurt and Courtney returned to the States. An 375 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:12,240 Speaker 1: intervention was arranged for Kurt, and it didn't take Rehab 376 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:15,240 Speaker 1: was next. Kurt flew in from Seattle and checked into 377 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:18,960 Speaker 1: LA's Exodus Center, but first he hit up Stan Baker 378 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,280 Speaker 1: Sports on Lake City Way and purchased a twenty gage shotgun. 379 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:27,160 Speaker 1: In a round of shells. Rehab lasted seventy two hours. 380 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,880 Speaker 1: Kurt called and purchased a plane ticket back to Seattle, 381 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:34,359 Speaker 1: jumped the wall, bailed. The flight was crowded, Kurt was 382 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:38,919 Speaker 1: laid to board for his class shit is that it was. 383 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,560 Speaker 1: Kurt was seated next to another junkie rock star from Seattle, 384 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,520 Speaker 1: and despite what he would have preferred, there was nothing 385 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:48,960 Speaker 1: he could do about it. So Kurt coban junkie singer 386 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,760 Speaker 1: of the biggest band in the world at the time, 387 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:54,440 Speaker 1: took a seat next to Seattle native Duff McKagan, junkie 388 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,600 Speaker 1: bass player for the second biggest band in the world 389 00:22:56,640 --> 00:23:02,480 Speaker 1: at the time, Guns n' Roses. Duff was friendly and cool, 390 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,520 Speaker 1: as was his nature, two traits that separated him from 391 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:07,879 Speaker 1: the singer in his band, Axel Rose, who Kurt and 392 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,679 Speaker 1: Courtney hated with the power of a thousand burning suns. 393 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:14,680 Speaker 1: Stuff didn't care. He saw Kurt a kindred spirit. They 394 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:18,399 Speaker 1: ordered drinks and the conversation was easy. Duff made small 395 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,440 Speaker 1: talk about the tour GNR had just completed, and Kurt 396 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,879 Speaker 1: was open about escaping rehab. Heroin didn't come up, but 397 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,200 Speaker 1: it was on both of their minds. Duff knew Kurt 398 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,879 Speaker 1: was down seated next to him, his depression was palpable. 399 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,360 Speaker 1: Upon landing, Duff decided to invite Kurt to come hang, 400 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,080 Speaker 1: maybe lift his spirits, but by the time he got 401 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,639 Speaker 1: around to asking, Kurt was in his limo and off 402 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 1: in search of oblivion. He headed to the heart of 403 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:49,879 Speaker 1: the city's junkie thoroughfare, Aurora Avenue. The Marco Polo on 404 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,600 Speaker 1: Aurora was an eighteen dollars a night motel room in 405 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,520 Speaker 1: a home away from home for Kurt, despite the fact 406 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:57,960 Speaker 1: that he had just purchased a million dollar mansion off 407 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,240 Speaker 1: of Lake Washington and one of Seattle's more expensive neighborhoods, 408 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:05,920 Speaker 1: right next to Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. Kurt couldn't hang 409 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,719 Speaker 1: in the house, especially not without Courtney and Francis, who 410 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:12,560 Speaker 1: were back in la The house was too big, too ostentatious, 411 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,199 Speaker 1: too much of what Axel Rose would have preferred, not 412 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,919 Speaker 1: punk enough, so two twenty six that the Marco Polo 413 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,600 Speaker 1: suited him just fine, plus scoring dope down on Aurora 414 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:26,160 Speaker 1: was a cinch. So that's what Kurt did. He got high, 415 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,080 Speaker 1: and then he got high some more, and eventually he 416 00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:30,400 Speaker 1: made his way back home and then wandered back out 417 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,800 Speaker 1: downtown to make a half assed attempt at socializing, connecting, 418 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:37,760 Speaker 1: but ultimately just to score more dope. Back in La 419 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:41,720 Speaker 1: Courtney was furious, frightened. Kurt had escaped rehab on the 420 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,280 Speaker 1: heels of a suicide attempt in Rome and was now 421 00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:47,280 Speaker 1: unaccountable for somewhere in Seattle and up to what she 422 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,639 Speaker 1: did not know, but feared the worst. Courtney hired a 423 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,480 Speaker 1: private detective to locate her husband. Kurt was wandering through 424 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:57,119 Speaker 1: the city in a haze. He hit Lind his tavern 425 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,880 Speaker 1: down on East Pine, a familiar dive where he knew 426 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,200 Speaker 1: he be recognized but at least treated with the appropriate 427 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,680 Speaker 1: amount of deference, and who knows, maybe he'd even talk 428 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:08,760 Speaker 1: to some people and actually enjoy himself. He didn't. He 429 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,240 Speaker 1: wandered in and then out, and then into a cab 430 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,480 Speaker 1: and back to his mansion in search of the shotgun 431 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:18,080 Speaker 1: in the shells he purchased a few days earlier. The 432 00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:22,480 Speaker 1: first song Kurt Kobean ever recorded is called suicide Samurai. 433 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:27,240 Speaker 1: From his earliest days, he was obsessed with suicide and 434 00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:30,159 Speaker 1: his journals. As a boy, he'd written suicide notes to 435 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 1: his imaginary friend. In his band's lyrics, he teased out 436 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:37,840 Speaker 1: the concept over and over again. In Utero was rife 437 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:43,800 Speaker 1: with not so subtle hints. The concept of death by 438 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:46,000 Speaker 1: his own hand was a constant, and it was very 439 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,680 Speaker 1: much on his mind. On April fifth, nineteen ninety four, 440 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:50,879 Speaker 1: as he made his way from the main house on 441 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:53,560 Speaker 1: his grounds to the living quarters of the garage adjacent 442 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:56,320 Speaker 1: in shotgun in one hand, box of shells in the other, 443 00:25:56,680 --> 00:26:01,440 Speaker 1: suicide all he can think of. The pain was too much. 444 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,840 Speaker 1: The heroin addiction was destroying him. He knew it. It 445 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,000 Speaker 1: was eating wey at him and pushing his wife and 446 00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:09,760 Speaker 1: child away. And he wanted to quit, but it was 447 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,760 Speaker 1: impossible quit and do what be normal, or what was 448 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:17,120 Speaker 1: normal anyway. Besides, if he quit, it's not like anything 449 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,600 Speaker 1: would change. He'd still be depressed, he'd still be famous, 450 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:25,000 Speaker 1: he'd still find little joy in making music. Music. It 451 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,919 Speaker 1: used to be everything, being in a band, making records 452 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:30,240 Speaker 1: kids like him wanted to listen to. That was literally 453 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,800 Speaker 1: all there was. He set out to do it, and 454 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,880 Speaker 1: he did it, but when it finally happened for him, 455 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:38,879 Speaker 1: success and fame, it was hollow, just like him. He 456 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,960 Speaker 1: thought he'd build a home for himself, and he did, 457 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,000 Speaker 1: but it was coming apart in adulthood, just like it 458 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:47,880 Speaker 1: had throughout his childhood. Nothing worked, everything sucked, and there 459 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,800 Speaker 1: was no way of seeing himself out. He was rejected 460 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,480 Speaker 1: from his family, from the joy of making music, and 461 00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:57,879 Speaker 1: from the home he'd attempted to make. Kurt found himself 462 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,200 Speaker 1: sitting on the linoleum floor of the living core is 463 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:03,760 Speaker 1: above his garage, shotgun on his one side. On the 464 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:06,679 Speaker 1: other side his works, a needle, a spoon, and one 465 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,760 Speaker 1: hundred dollars worth of black tar heroin. He took the 466 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:12,879 Speaker 1: suicide note he penned earlier that morning and placed it 467 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,400 Speaker 1: away from the mess he was about to make. He'd 468 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,760 Speaker 1: brought towels for the blood for whoever would find it 469 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:23,479 Speaker 1: soapunk rock. He loaded the shotgun with the shells, and 470 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:26,160 Speaker 1: then he loaded the needle with the smack. He injected 471 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:29,000 Speaker 1: it into his arm and felt the familiar tease of oblivion, 472 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:33,240 Speaker 1: But this time Kurt would not be denied. Sweet relief 473 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,320 Speaker 1: was in his sights. He put the barrel to the 474 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:46,439 Speaker 1: roof of his mouth, and then it was over. Suicide 475 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,760 Speaker 1: is something you're never ready for. It's so hyper foreign 476 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:52,159 Speaker 1: to most of us who aren't depressed, who may be 477 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,200 Speaker 1: troubled or unhappy or stressed, but still have the fight 478 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,240 Speaker 1: in us. We get up every day and put one 479 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,240 Speaker 1: foot in front of the other. How hard things get, 480 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:05,199 Speaker 1: it's literally our nature to do so, which is exactly 481 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,800 Speaker 1: what makes it so hard to understand how someone else 482 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,639 Speaker 1: can quote unquote give up. It's so hard to see coming. 483 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:16,760 Speaker 1: After Kurt's body was found a couple days later, Courtney 484 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:20,560 Speaker 1: flew to Seattle. She landed into a media circus. The 485 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:24,040 Speaker 1: Kobaine Love home was surrounded by grieving fans and cable 486 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:28,120 Speaker 1: news trucks. Among this mayhem, Courtney Love began sorting out 487 00:28:28,119 --> 00:28:31,280 Speaker 1: her grief and in a way, fell into a familiar behavior, 488 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:36,240 Speaker 1: protecting her husband against scarless tabloids and hangers on. She 489 00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:38,760 Speaker 1: found the inner strength when the pressure and the kleag 490 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:43,200 Speaker 1: lights were most powerful, and confronted Kurt's devastated fans. Despite 491 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:46,600 Speaker 1: her own unsorted grief, she put one foot in front 492 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:49,840 Speaker 1: of the other. In the vigil, it sprung up around 493 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:53,840 Speaker 1: their home, Courtney visited with Kurt's fans. She recorded and 494 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:56,640 Speaker 1: played a taped reading of his suicide note, because that's 495 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 1: what Kurt would have wanted. He had, after all, written 496 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:03,160 Speaker 1: it for them. And as she comforted fans personally walking 497 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:06,120 Speaker 1: amongst them, talking to them, hugging them, and sharing her 498 00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:08,840 Speaker 1: own grief, she let them in and they in turn 499 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:12,960 Speaker 1: did the same for her. It was honest, painful, and 500 00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 1: punk as fuck. One seventy one Lake Washington Boulevard, Seattle, 501 00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:20,720 Speaker 1: Washington was where Kurt Kobain had lived up until a 502 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:24,440 Speaker 1: couple days earlier, but it wasn't really a home. There 503 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:27,480 Speaker 1: was no love. His wife was off in la and 504 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:30,760 Speaker 1: so was his daughter. There were no relatives coming by 505 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,960 Speaker 1: to check in or pass the time. The best Kurt 506 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,480 Speaker 1: had were a couple grungy hangers on who were living 507 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,640 Speaker 1: off of his credit card under the guise of taking 508 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:42,560 Speaker 1: care of the place. It was cold, dark, near empty. 509 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,360 Speaker 1: It was a house, not the home Kurt had longed 510 00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:48,800 Speaker 1: for his whole life, But now, in the wake of 511 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:51,920 Speaker 1: his death, the house was descended upon by throngs of 512 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,760 Speaker 1: people who loved him, who wanted nothing more than to 513 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:57,760 Speaker 1: embrace him and his wife had risen to the occasion 514 00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,400 Speaker 1: and opened herself up to the collective hug her dead 515 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:03,880 Speaker 1: husband's fans, doing what grieving loved ones have done since 516 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:07,720 Speaker 1: the beginning of time, benefited from the power of friends, family, 517 00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:11,080 Speaker 1: and home to see them through. It's a powerful kind 518 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:13,760 Speaker 1: of love that sees the grief through their darkest moments. 519 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:16,560 Speaker 1: It's the type of love that gives you a resilience, 520 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:19,200 Speaker 1: the type of love that can sprout wings on your back, 521 00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 1: the type of love that comes from the heart, from 522 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:25,800 Speaker 1: the home, the type of love that Kurt Coban would 523 00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:31,760 Speaker 1: never experience. And that's a disgrace. I'm Jake Brennan and 524 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:46,160 Speaker 1: this this Disgraceland. Disgraceland was created by Yours Truly and 525 00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:49,440 Speaker 1: is produced in partnership with Double Elvis. Credits for this 526 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:51,800 Speaker 1: episode can be found on the show notes page at 527 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:55,840 Speaker 1: disgracelaandpod dot com. 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