1 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,959 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You 2 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:16,360 Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and I am 3 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:20,000 Speaker 1: the host, and per usual, I like to remind everybody 4 00:00:20,079 --> 00:00:23,040 Speaker 1: from the beginning that although I'm a therapist, the podcast 5 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:26,079 Speaker 1: is called You Need Therapy, and I'm a big believer 6 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,200 Speaker 1: of therapy in general, this podcast does not serve as 7 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:33,199 Speaker 1: a replacement or a substitute for actual mental health services. However, 8 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:36,280 Speaker 1: it's still, at the same time can help you on 9 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,239 Speaker 1: every road you're currently driving down. So today it's an 10 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,839 Speaker 1: exciting day, because it always is an exciting day here, 11 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,320 Speaker 1: but it's an exciting day for a different reason because 12 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:52,040 Speaker 1: this is the last new episode of two and it's 13 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:56,040 Speaker 1: actually the last new Monday episode of two because we'll 14 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 1: be putting out a brand new Couch Talks on Wednesday, 15 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:02,640 Speaker 1: because it is the three year anniversary of the podcast 16 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 1: on Wednesday, which is so wild. But today is the 17 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 1: last Monday episode or new episode. We'll still play episodes 18 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:13,360 Speaker 1: throughout the year. We never don't release episodes. They just 19 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 1: might be ones that maybe are our favorites from years past. 20 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 1: So you guys get to have a little refresher on 21 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,800 Speaker 1: some of the things that we've talked about before and here, 22 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,400 Speaker 1: which doesn't hurt. And at the same time, I'm very 23 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,039 Speaker 1: aware that there are some people that this might be 24 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 1: their first episode ever, and it's helpful to just kind 25 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,559 Speaker 1: of get a dose of something good from the past 26 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,080 Speaker 1: so you don't feel like you have missed out, because 27 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,319 Speaker 1: we don't want anybody to feel like they missed out 28 00:01:39,319 --> 00:01:44,679 Speaker 1: on this podcast. So today I wanted to do something 29 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 1: special in celebration of the end of the year and 30 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,560 Speaker 1: the beginning of a new year. And personally, each year 31 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,720 Speaker 1: what I do, and I've done this, maybe I don't 32 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,320 Speaker 1: know for four or five years. At the end of 33 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 1: each year, I like to write a letter to myself 34 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,920 Speaker 1: and it's to that year's version of myself, just to 35 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,880 Speaker 1: process what I went through and experienced and learned. And 36 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,080 Speaker 1: it also is just kind of cool to look back. 37 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,400 Speaker 1: I'm not very good at journaling regularly, so this helps 38 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:19,760 Speaker 1: just have a little highlights of the highs and lows 39 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,880 Speaker 1: of years past. And it's just been really cool and 40 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 1: helpful um to see where I've come from and to 41 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:28,239 Speaker 1: see where I've been and what has changed. And this year, 42 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,520 Speaker 1: like the last couple of years, it's included some things 43 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:34,640 Speaker 1: that I've learned from the podcast, both about myself and 44 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,720 Speaker 1: just the world in general. And I know that some 45 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:42,120 Speaker 1: of y'all look at me like I'm teaching you guys 46 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,640 Speaker 1: all the time. But what I want everybody to know 47 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 1: that I also learn while I'm interviewing guests, and I 48 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 1: also learn while I'm just creating content and being a 49 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:58,040 Speaker 1: person who is putting stuff out there. I learned about 50 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 1: myself in the world through that way as well. And 51 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:05,360 Speaker 1: sometimes the learning is really fun, and sometimes the learning 52 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: is very uncomfortable and very cringe e and very humbling. 53 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:14,600 Speaker 1: And if anything, this year has definitely taught me how 54 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:18,400 Speaker 1: to be much more graceful when making judgments of other people, 55 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 1: specifically of other people's podcasts and other people's content that 56 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,360 Speaker 1: they put out into the world. There is a lot 57 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:29,400 Speaker 1: that goes in to creating a podcast in general. That's 58 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,800 Speaker 1: what I can speak to. Although in theory it sounds 59 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,000 Speaker 1: pretty easy and it shouldn't take much time or maybe energy, 60 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 1: but in actuality, there are so many hours that go 61 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 1: into every episode, and sometimes I get in this space 62 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:44,520 Speaker 1: where I'm I'm like, why do I keep doing this? 63 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 1: Whether it's because I'm getting uncomfortable or I feel some 64 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,600 Speaker 1: kind of pressure, or I just I'm stressed because I 65 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,320 Speaker 1: have a lot to do. And then I asked myself, like, 66 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:58,640 Speaker 1: what's the point, But then I get reminded. But the 67 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,600 Speaker 1: point is by messages that you guys send me, or 68 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 1: emails that I get, or a couple of times being 69 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 1: stopped on the green way when I'm taking a walk 70 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,120 Speaker 1: down the road from my house, and all of those 71 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,520 Speaker 1: kinds of reminders are so helpful for me because sometimes 72 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: when you guys tell me what you've learned or something 73 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,279 Speaker 1: that you've gotten out of the podcast, it comes from 74 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,560 Speaker 1: something that I thought nobody would like or nobody would 75 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,160 Speaker 1: get anything out of, and it just again is a 76 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,120 Speaker 1: reminder that sometimes I don't I mean a lot of 77 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,680 Speaker 1: times I don't know what other people need, but I 78 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,159 Speaker 1: know what's inside of my body that I want to 79 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,359 Speaker 1: talk about and it can help people, whether or not 80 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 1: I think people need the help or not. So anyway, 81 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 1: that's one of the things that I kind of processed 82 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,840 Speaker 1: through this year as I was doing this, I also 83 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,120 Speaker 1: um this year has been a big year for me 84 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:47,839 Speaker 1: to learn more about how to stay true to myself 85 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 1: and learn more about how to be very conscious about 86 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,120 Speaker 1: the why behind my what I had to sit with 87 00:04:55,680 --> 00:05:02,160 Speaker 1: some sacrifices that came with choosing inte gritty and authenticity, 88 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 1: which we're frustrating at the same time. I of course 89 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: want to choose that integrity and authenticity, but it's not 90 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 1: always easy, and so I had some lessons around that 91 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,760 Speaker 1: through the podcast, and um, I had to remind myself 92 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 1: what actually brings me fulfillment versus what kind of society 93 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 1: tells me I will be fulfilled by, and I can 94 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,000 Speaker 1: get confused with that. Sometimes it's hard. It's all around us, 95 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 1: those messages that this will bring you join, this will 96 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 1: bring you join, this will make you happy, and then 97 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,760 Speaker 1: you think about how you would have to go about 98 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,720 Speaker 1: getting those things and would that actually make you happy 99 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:37,279 Speaker 1: or is that kind of just like one of those 100 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,800 Speaker 1: excitement for the moment and then it fades and then 101 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,039 Speaker 1: you're stuck with the fact that you did something that 102 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 1: was outside of your character and that's actually not what 103 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,680 Speaker 1: you want to do. So I learned a lot about that, 104 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,320 Speaker 1: and I also one of the big things I learned 105 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:55,360 Speaker 1: is how important and this one was big for me 106 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,360 Speaker 1: in an unexpected way, but I learned more about how 107 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:02,840 Speaker 1: important it is to have the feedback of other people, 108 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: and how my way isn't always the best way, and 109 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:10,960 Speaker 1: how that feedback when I'm struggling with that um dissonance 110 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,479 Speaker 1: between my way and and what other people think I 111 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: should do, or all of that, that feedback is important 112 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,600 Speaker 1: even when I don't agree with it. You know, we 113 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 1: all need some accountability in our lives, and we can't 114 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:24,080 Speaker 1: just all kind of be running by the things running 115 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,200 Speaker 1: through our head because we miss out on a lot 116 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,719 Speaker 1: of information and trails of thought that our brains just 117 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,480 Speaker 1: naturally wouldn't take us down. So I learned a lot 118 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 1: about that. And I say all this because I was 119 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,719 Speaker 1: thinking about all of this stuff as I was preparing 120 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:41,280 Speaker 1: to write my letter for two, which is not complete yet. 121 00:06:41,279 --> 00:06:43,359 Speaker 1: But I was dritting down on my notes and looking 122 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,679 Speaker 1: at the things that were the big highs and lows, 123 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:47,680 Speaker 1: and I was taking into account the best and worst 124 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,839 Speaker 1: podcast moments I had this year, and I thought that 125 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,200 Speaker 1: it would be really cool to end the year doing 126 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:59,839 Speaker 1: something fun with some of those moments. And I wanted 127 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:03,520 Speaker 1: to you this week highlight my top three favorite moments 128 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,960 Speaker 1: of the show. And I picked each moment for a 129 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:09,080 Speaker 1: different reason, and they're all things that I hope I 130 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,880 Speaker 1: never forget and again for different reasons. One of them 131 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,800 Speaker 1: was a reality check. One of them, one of these 132 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:20,240 Speaker 1: moments validated something that I didn't even though I needed 133 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,320 Speaker 1: to be validated, and it was really meaningful and important 134 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:26,680 Speaker 1: to me. And then uh, one of them is just 135 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 1: a joyful moment and a really good core memory of mine. 136 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:33,080 Speaker 1: And if you haven't listened to the entire episodes of 137 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,960 Speaker 1: these three clips, one, you don't have to listen to 138 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,040 Speaker 1: the whole episode to actually get the part that I'm 139 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,600 Speaker 1: sharing with you for it to be meaningful. But also 140 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,760 Speaker 1: if you haven't listened to the episode, or maybe if 141 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: you have it it's been a while, I really want 142 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: to recommend you guys go back and listen to those. 143 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,200 Speaker 1: I'm going to put the links of each of those 144 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:50,800 Speaker 1: shows in the show notes. You don't have to search 145 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,440 Speaker 1: for them, you can just go actually click on them, 146 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:57,480 Speaker 1: because these episodes were three of my favorite episodes in general, 147 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,600 Speaker 1: and there were so much to pick from them. I 148 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,920 Speaker 1: picked each of these moments for a specific reason. I'm 149 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,120 Speaker 1: going to talk about that, but I just want to 150 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,320 Speaker 1: encourage you guys to go back and listen to those 151 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: because just because it's an older episode, it doesn't mean 152 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,080 Speaker 1: it's not valuable and worthy. A lot of these episodes 153 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,400 Speaker 1: are what I would like to call timeless, although I 154 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,440 Speaker 1: say timeless at the same time. Going back and listen 155 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,120 Speaker 1: to some of these episodes, I'm like, oh, I wish 156 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,800 Speaker 1: I wouldn't have said that, or I wish it. And 157 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 1: that's all part of the learning process that I have 158 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:29,400 Speaker 1: creating this podcast and then putting my talking into the 159 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:33,079 Speaker 1: world for everybody to see and hear and make judgments on. 160 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: And I make the judgments myself. Anyway, that's not important. 161 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:38,760 Speaker 1: So that's what we're gonna do today. We're going to 162 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,200 Speaker 1: go through some of my favorite moments, and I hope 163 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 1: that they are as meaningful to you as they are 164 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,440 Speaker 1: for me. It might be meaningful for different reasons, but 165 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:53,599 Speaker 1: let's get into my top three favorite moments of the podcast. 166 00:08:53,840 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 1: From Here's number one. Okay, So my first favorite moment 167 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:06,440 Speaker 1: was a big reality check for me. Um. It comes 168 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:10,160 Speaker 1: from the episode that I did with shawna niquist. And 169 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:13,280 Speaker 1: what's so funny about this episode. I don't know if 170 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,720 Speaker 1: I've talked about this, maybe I have, but I was 171 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:20,800 Speaker 1: so nervous before this episode because Seanna Niquist is a 172 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 1: big deal to me in my eyes, and I was like, 173 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 1: wait a second, how am I getting to talk to her? 174 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,280 Speaker 1: This is so crazy. Of course, all this imposter syndrome 175 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,840 Speaker 1: stuff comes in, like what if it's awkward? What if 176 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,719 Speaker 1: I miss all this stuff? So you guys, hear one 177 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,480 Speaker 1: version of me on the podcast, but I just want 178 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,720 Speaker 1: you to know, like, sometimes I'm internally freaking out and 179 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:42,240 Speaker 1: I have to actually do some anxiety um reducing in 180 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 1: coping exercises myself. But before this episode, I had texted 181 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 1: my boyfriend and said, remind me the next time I 182 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,840 Speaker 1: tried to schedule another interview with somebody that I don't 183 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,679 Speaker 1: know that I hate doing this and I don't want 184 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:59,320 Speaker 1: to do it anymore. And then afterwards I texted him, 185 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,320 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I was amazing. I have to do 186 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,719 Speaker 1: these more often, and he just kind of laughed. But 187 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 1: I just thought that is so funny. It reminds me 188 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:12,440 Speaker 1: of this story that I heard a speaker tell years 189 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,280 Speaker 1: ago at a conference, and he talked about how, I 190 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,960 Speaker 1: mean he was a he's a public speaker. He talked 191 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,080 Speaker 1: about how when he started public speaking, he would get 192 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,200 Speaker 1: so anxious to the point he would get sick, he 193 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,440 Speaker 1: would throw up, he would be pacing, his heart would 194 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 1: be racing, and he wouldn't be able to sleep. And 195 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,880 Speaker 1: somebody said to him, if this causes you this much 196 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,720 Speaker 1: stress and anxiety, then why do you keep doing it? 197 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,280 Speaker 1: Why why don't you just stop, like do something else? 198 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:42,080 Speaker 1: And he said, the only thing that would be worse 199 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:45,240 Speaker 1: than the feeling I get before I have to give 200 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,640 Speaker 1: one of these talks would be is if I never 201 00:10:48,679 --> 00:10:52,440 Speaker 1: give one of these talks again. And that stuck with 202 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,360 Speaker 1: me because a lot of times, when we get scared 203 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 1: or nervous or anxious about things, we say, oh, we 204 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:59,360 Speaker 1: shouldn't do this, But in reality, the only thing worse 205 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,480 Speaker 1: about doing the interviews would be as if I never 206 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:05,079 Speaker 1: got to do these interviews. I always get something out 207 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,920 Speaker 1: of them, no matter, no matter if it's a horrible 208 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:11,920 Speaker 1: interview and I don't ever even actually post the conversation, 209 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,600 Speaker 1: or if it's an amazing one, I always, or if 210 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,840 Speaker 1: it's a mediocre one, I get something out of every 211 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,440 Speaker 1: single one of them. And so yeah, the only thing 212 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 1: that would be worries about me freaking out if I 213 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,079 Speaker 1: have to do another interview with somebody that I think 214 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,319 Speaker 1: it's really important. It would be if I don't get 215 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,720 Speaker 1: to do that again. So that's not why I picked 216 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,480 Speaker 1: this clip, But that's just a little behind the scenes 217 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,160 Speaker 1: of that actual episode, an interview that I did. But 218 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 1: my favorite part of this conversation was, well, I want 219 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,400 Speaker 1: to say the whole thing, but there was this one 220 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,640 Speaker 1: part that stood out to me and continues to stand 221 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 1: out over and over. And I think it does because 222 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:49,160 Speaker 1: this year challenged me and my ability to have calm 223 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:54,600 Speaker 1: and fruitful conversations with people in my life rather than debates. 224 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people can probably relate 225 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,920 Speaker 1: to that, specifically from things that have happened this summer, 226 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,560 Speaker 1: and I found myself getting so frustrated and so upset 227 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,480 Speaker 1: with the views of some people, even in my own 228 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,560 Speaker 1: small community of friends and family, not even just like 229 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:15,719 Speaker 1: a community of Nashville. And what's funny about this situation 230 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,440 Speaker 1: is Sean and I were not even talking about this 231 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,640 Speaker 1: specific thing when I asked a question I asked. I 232 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,480 Speaker 1: asked a question about what happens when somebody disagrees with 233 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:27,320 Speaker 1: my outlook on being okay with not having it all 234 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,400 Speaker 1: figured out, Like what happens is somebody disagrees with that 235 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,440 Speaker 1: and thinks that I'm stupid or um sillier that's a 236 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:38,400 Speaker 1: cop out. And what she said pleasantly surprised me in 237 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:42,559 Speaker 1: a way that I wasn't expecting because it took my 238 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,400 Speaker 1: mind to a whole that whole thing that I just 239 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,160 Speaker 1: was talking about of how I've been kind of having 240 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,280 Speaker 1: some difficulty. She spoke to something that I really needed 241 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,120 Speaker 1: to hear and has been so helpful for me as 242 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:56,400 Speaker 1: I continue to have conversations with people that disagree with 243 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,160 Speaker 1: with me for a million different reasons. It's not just politically, 244 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: it's not just about how I view myself. It's not 245 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:05,920 Speaker 1: just about, um, what I think about this singer song 246 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 1: or this person's album. It's what she said has impacted 247 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:14,280 Speaker 1: how I have conversations in my personal life with just 248 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:18,520 Speaker 1: about anyone or anything, um when it comes to disagreements. Now, 249 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:21,680 Speaker 1: am I perfect? No, I still get very heated sometimes 250 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 1: and forget to use some of this feedback and advice 251 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,320 Speaker 1: that she gave me. But I want you guys to 252 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,480 Speaker 1: hear it, and I want you guys to think about 253 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,560 Speaker 1: how it might impact you, and how might impact the 254 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:36,520 Speaker 1: conversations and the fruitfulness of those conversations that you may 255 00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:39,760 Speaker 1: have in your future. So here is the clip. Asking 256 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:44,320 Speaker 1: for help is a failure. It's a way of respecting 257 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,760 Speaker 1: what you don't know and what someone else does, and 258 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,160 Speaker 1: and it's a way of esteeming the work they've done. Right, 259 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,839 Speaker 1: Like if someone if the situation is flipped and a 260 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,680 Speaker 1: fellow therapist reaches out to you and says like, hey, 261 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,320 Speaker 1: I know this, this and this like the back of 262 00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,120 Speaker 1: my hand, but I actually don't know eating disort of 263 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:02,280 Speaker 1: stuff that Well, I've got this particular situation. Could you 264 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,920 Speaker 1: walk me through a handful of these principles or ideas 265 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,960 Speaker 1: you'd be like, thank you, thank you for tapping into 266 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:13,120 Speaker 1: my area of expertise. I think that curiosity and humility, 267 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,360 Speaker 1: it doesn't just enrich our own lives, It enriches the 268 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,280 Speaker 1: people around us because it gives them a chance to 269 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 1: be experts in the things that they genuinely are experts at. 270 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:27,680 Speaker 1: That's really esteeming. Yeah, I mean using the word respect 271 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,160 Speaker 1: to it's like, yeah, I do feel so grateful when 272 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,760 Speaker 1: people do that, because I don't want people to pretend 273 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,120 Speaker 1: to like their experts in treating needed disorders because it 274 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,120 Speaker 1: is so nuanced. So yeah, I want us to be 275 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: able to do that. But I wonder, like, what is 276 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: it that, like the world majority of the world needs 277 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,240 Speaker 1: to learn or as our culture, what needs to shift 278 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:51,600 Speaker 1: for like this to be like a general okay thing 279 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 1: because I am agreein with you totally, Like I want 280 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,360 Speaker 1: to live in this space where like it's okay to 281 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,720 Speaker 1: not know and I want to live in this space 282 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:01,360 Speaker 1: where I don't to be an expert in everything, and 283 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,480 Speaker 1: I want to live in a space where if I 284 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,560 Speaker 1: mess up, that's okay, And I want to live in 285 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 1: that space. But I can live in that space in 286 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,160 Speaker 1: my bubble and the people that I surround myself with. 287 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,880 Speaker 1: I guess my fear is like I feel like, once 288 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,080 Speaker 1: I get outside of my bubble, is the world going 289 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:18,880 Speaker 1: to accept that? And what happens if somebody does tell 290 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,760 Speaker 1: me I'm dumb, Well, I would say a couple of things. 291 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,000 Speaker 1: I would say, we have lived for a long time culturally, 292 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: like the modern era is one of the markers of 293 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,640 Speaker 1: the modern era is certainty. Right things are knowable and 294 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,320 Speaker 1: I know them and I have an answer, And we've 295 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,400 Speaker 1: really put a lot of stock on right thoughts and 296 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,600 Speaker 1: right believing and like that hasn't gone great. Do you 297 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,880 Speaker 1: know what I mean, like, get like the the level 298 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:49,120 Speaker 1: of political discourse. If we're not doing great. We we 299 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:53,400 Speaker 1: told people organize your certainties in a particular order and 300 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:56,680 Speaker 1: then affiliate with these people and then scream at everybody 301 00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 1: else from your answer position, right like, it's not working. 302 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:05,120 Speaker 1: And so I think if those of us who feel 303 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:09,280 Speaker 1: comfortable enough and brave enough to admit that there's nuance 304 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 1: and uncertainty and possibility to be curious, I think we're 305 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,320 Speaker 1: the people who can lead the way at like breaking 306 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 1: up some of that really like brittle, fragile certainty, um 307 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,360 Speaker 1: one of the things that I love. Adam Grant writes 308 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,640 Speaker 1: a lot about this and Think Again and on this podcast, 309 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 1: but talks a lot about the importance of curiosity in 310 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 1: terms of lowering people's defenses in really high pitched conversations, right, Like, 311 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,920 Speaker 1: of course there are situations where I would like to 312 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,160 Speaker 1: scream my certainties across the table at someone, but not 313 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,320 Speaker 1: if I want to change their mind, and that if 314 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: I really want us to learn from each other, the 315 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,440 Speaker 1: way to do that is with questions, right and with listening. 316 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,160 Speaker 1: And so if if there's a group of us who 317 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,560 Speaker 1: are brave enough and grounded enough to be curious as 318 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:59,520 Speaker 1: opposed to certain. We can start to thaw that brittleness 319 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,840 Speaker 1: and that sort of frozen stuck nous. I really believe 320 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:11,640 Speaker 1: that that can change things in our culture. Okay, so 321 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:15,439 Speaker 1: now for my favorite part of the podcast. My these 322 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,159 Speaker 1: aren't an order. I want to say my second favorite, 323 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,359 Speaker 1: but this is just another favorite part of the podcast. 324 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,560 Speaker 1: I didn't rank these, but I don't really think I 325 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,159 Speaker 1: can rank these, but anyway, so this one I picked 326 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 1: because this was a piece of validation that I felt 327 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,720 Speaker 1: deep in my core that I did not know that 328 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,360 Speaker 1: I was looking for, and it comes from my interview 329 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,719 Speaker 1: with Aaron Lyne, who wrote the book Someone Other Than 330 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,879 Speaker 1: a Mother. I highly recommend this book for all people 331 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 1: because it's really helpful for people who either don't want 332 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,119 Speaker 1: kids don't know if they want kids, but it's also 333 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,840 Speaker 1: helpful for people that have kids and people who have 334 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:54,000 Speaker 1: wanted to have kids, because it offers some understanding around 335 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,200 Speaker 1: how maybe other people think differently than you, and other 336 00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:00,280 Speaker 1: people's lives are created to be different than you wars, 337 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:03,800 Speaker 1: and it gives you some understanding that can impact how 338 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:06,600 Speaker 1: you interact with people that are different than you, which 339 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,000 Speaker 1: even speaks to the clip that we played from Shawna 340 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,400 Speaker 1: as well. But anyway, I was very excited to talk 341 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,399 Speaker 1: to Aaron, like very excited about this interview, but I 342 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:19,239 Speaker 1: did not prepare for how much she was going to 343 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,840 Speaker 1: say things that I needed to hear that I had 344 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,280 Speaker 1: no idea that I needed to hear, So I guess 345 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,880 Speaker 1: I couldn't have prepared for it. In this episode, what 346 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,159 Speaker 1: Aaron and I talked about are the motherhood scripts that 347 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,320 Speaker 1: we grew up with that push an agenda that being 348 00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:34,000 Speaker 1: a biological mom is the best thing to do and 349 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,639 Speaker 1: it's the right way to live. And some of you 350 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 1: may not relate to this, relate to how some people 351 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,959 Speaker 1: feel like those scripts have been damaging. But what I 352 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:48,040 Speaker 1: want everybody to look at and approach this specific clip 353 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:53,040 Speaker 1: and um episode as a whole with is a openness 354 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:57,360 Speaker 1: to understand how scripts in general can alter how we 355 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:01,280 Speaker 1: feel and our view of our lives, even if in 356 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:04,040 Speaker 1: the core of us we know they don't really fit 357 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:08,560 Speaker 1: and it doesn't feel right. And what I feel specifically 358 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:13,440 Speaker 1: these scripts they push people to engage in something that 359 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,320 Speaker 1: they are pissed, like to call shooting on ourselves. I 360 00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:19,240 Speaker 1: should do this, or I should say this, or I 361 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,359 Speaker 1: should look like this, or I should want this, or 362 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,359 Speaker 1: I should have said that, and it's very damaging, and 363 00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:26,399 Speaker 1: it can feel it makes somebody feel crazy, and it 364 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,040 Speaker 1: can make somebody feel really horrible about themselves, even if 365 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 1: they are wonderful human beings. And it's important to look 366 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,840 Speaker 1: at and what I learned from Aaron in this episode 367 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,520 Speaker 1: and specifically this clip, it is so important to look 368 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,800 Speaker 1: at why a script may exist. And Aaron drops a 369 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,640 Speaker 1: huge bomb of knowledge in this clip here as I 370 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,840 Speaker 1: started to get curious about the idea that women are 371 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,800 Speaker 1: seen as selfish if they don't have children, and being 372 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:58,560 Speaker 1: selfish then in that way is bad. And it leads 373 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,240 Speaker 1: her to explain more behind and some of the creation 374 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,040 Speaker 1: of these scripts and and why they even exist in 375 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:06,280 Speaker 1: the beginning. And so what it did for me is 376 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 1: that it validated something for me as a human that 377 00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:12,119 Speaker 1: is in her thirties and doesn't have kids. Validated something 378 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 1: that I didn't know I needed validated. But it also 379 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,399 Speaker 1: opened my eyes to be more curious about the things 380 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:22,080 Speaker 1: that I believe that I should do when I don't 381 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,920 Speaker 1: know if those are things I want to do. So 382 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,720 Speaker 1: I hope that everybody can look at this clip through 383 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:31,080 Speaker 1: kind of that lens, and here it is more and more. 384 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,480 Speaker 1: Now you'll see women having these careers and going after 385 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,960 Speaker 1: things that they've never been able to go after and 386 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,040 Speaker 1: all that, and there's also this fight of like do 387 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,480 Speaker 1: I have to choose one? But I don't see that 388 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:43,480 Speaker 1: and I don't study this, but I don't see that 389 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,080 Speaker 1: with men as much. It's like they can have that 390 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,240 Speaker 1: career and then they can also have kids if they want. 391 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:52,199 Speaker 1: But I wonder, from your perspective, why there's such a 392 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,040 Speaker 1: like you'll never know a love like a mother's love. 393 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,240 Speaker 1: But it doesn't feel as strong that, like you'll never 394 00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:59,439 Speaker 1: know a love like a father's love. And maybe that's 395 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,560 Speaker 1: because I not on that side of the spectrum, but 396 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:06,040 Speaker 1: that seems uneven to me. Well to two things that 397 00:21:06,119 --> 00:21:10,080 Speaker 1: I notice in regards to the conversation about mother and 398 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:13,960 Speaker 1: father love. One, I do write a little bit about 399 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:19,359 Speaker 1: how both mothers and fathers are putting in more hours working. 400 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:23,080 Speaker 1: Mothers and fathers are putting in more hours at home 401 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,560 Speaker 1: and at work than ever before. And so you are 402 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:31,680 Speaker 1: seeing a rise in fathers saying that parenting is very 403 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,760 Speaker 1: important to their identity. It's like one percentage point different 404 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,240 Speaker 1: than mothers. And one of the polls I looked at. 405 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:43,480 Speaker 1: And so you're seeing as women more and more find 406 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,360 Speaker 1: their identity and their work, you are seeing men kind 407 00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:51,480 Speaker 1: of have a related intensification of their identity in the home. 408 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:56,120 Speaker 1: What's completely overwhelming about that is no one is decreasing 409 00:21:56,160 --> 00:22:01,120 Speaker 1: their hours anywhere. So there's just this idea more and more, 410 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,840 Speaker 1: this gird capitalist idea that more is better, that you 411 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:08,440 Speaker 1: can have it all, and that limits are limiting, and 412 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:13,640 Speaker 1: you shouldn't limit your commitment to work or home based 413 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:17,840 Speaker 1: on your own energetic capacities, based on what kind of 414 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:22,639 Speaker 1: money you need to um live well and live healthily. 415 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:27,879 Speaker 1: There's just um. In some ways, the breakthrough we've seen 416 00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:34,120 Speaker 1: in a wider gender normative expression in parenting hasn't been 417 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:38,280 Speaker 1: met with a narrowing of Okay, if I do want 418 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,200 Speaker 1: to be more involved at home, or I do want 419 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,240 Speaker 1: to be more involved in work, what am I going 420 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,000 Speaker 1: to say no to? To say yes? That we still 421 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:48,240 Speaker 1: are very phobic to do it. Apparently, well, I see 422 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,760 Speaker 1: this in a couple. I have a a couple of 423 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,159 Speaker 1: people in my life who are are men who actually 424 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,399 Speaker 1: take on the more traditional stay at home with the 425 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,960 Speaker 1: kid's role and there's a lot of shame in that 426 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,680 Speaker 1: that has to be worked through, and that's like for me, 427 00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:03,399 Speaker 1: I wish it wasn't that way, But hopefully we'll shift 428 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,879 Speaker 1: that as the conversations like this might happen. But I 429 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,439 Speaker 1: think from I can speak because I am on this 430 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 1: side of things, it does feel like, well, what am 431 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,960 Speaker 1: I going to have to sacrifice to have kids? Which 432 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,440 Speaker 1: in my head I just almost said, which is another question. 433 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:20,920 Speaker 1: I almost just said, what am I going to sacrifice 434 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: to have a family? Which we'll get to because in 435 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:26,480 Speaker 1: my head a family would be children, right, So what 436 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,879 Speaker 1: am I going to sacrifice? I don't know that I 437 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:32,120 Speaker 1: want to sacrifice anything at least right now. And so 438 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:36,040 Speaker 1: does that make me selfish? And is that bad? Does 439 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:40,600 Speaker 1: that make me a bad Christian? Am I hurting society? 440 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:42,280 Speaker 1: Or am I helping society? I mean, there's so much 441 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,200 Speaker 1: there's so many questions in that when like, why can't 442 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,840 Speaker 1: it just be like what feels true to you? And 443 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,600 Speaker 1: I think maybe it's like when people don't know what 444 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:51,560 Speaker 1: feels true to them because they've been told certain things, 445 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,920 Speaker 1: but they've also been told that that parenting is something 446 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,560 Speaker 1: that's going to happen in addition to whatever else you do, 447 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,200 Speaker 1: so they don't end up sitting down right to discern 448 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,600 Speaker 1: parenting because they just think, I'm gonna do X, Y 449 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,560 Speaker 1: and Z, and I will also parent alongside it. And 450 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,040 Speaker 1: that's I mean, that's what I see happening with a 451 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,679 Speaker 1: lot of folks, is that like, parenting is like this 452 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:18,119 Speaker 1: inevitable additive to your life, but it's a gigantic additive 453 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:22,919 Speaker 1: that actually, to your point, yeah, changes your commitments to 454 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,800 Speaker 1: other things in your life and makes those commitments harder 455 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,399 Speaker 1: to singularly focus on. And I talk about this in 456 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,040 Speaker 1: the chapter on motherhood is the toughest job in the world. 457 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,040 Speaker 1: How there are a lot of women and this is 458 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:40,919 Speaker 1: an interesting statistic who believe that they're calling is to 459 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,159 Speaker 1: serve the world, and that they actually can't serve the 460 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,480 Speaker 1: world if they are also serving children under their own roof. 461 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:52,359 Speaker 1: And so actually, the more likely a woman is to 462 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:55,920 Speaker 1: want to provide social value in her work, the less 463 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,960 Speaker 1: likely as she is to become a mother. So the 464 00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:02,560 Speaker 1: more you kind of see your calling as loving the world, 465 00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:06,640 Speaker 1: the less likely you are to become a biological mother. 466 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:10,480 Speaker 1: And there are researchers who are like, well that that 467 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,160 Speaker 1: shouldn't have to be the case. And I'm like, I agree, 468 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:17,600 Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be the case. And we also 469 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:20,760 Speaker 1: again should be very clear about the trade offs of 470 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:25,520 Speaker 1: a multi hyfinite life, and there are many And again 471 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,520 Speaker 1: going back to this idea that Americans in particular think 472 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,840 Speaker 1: limits are limiting. I think limits are how love multiplies. 473 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:35,200 Speaker 1: And so I think when we are limited, that's when 474 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,400 Speaker 1: the good stuff comes. When we're limited, like, that's when 475 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:41,360 Speaker 1: we're able to see like the weird wonky group project 476 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,360 Speaker 1: of life. Yeah, when I'm not trying to do at all. 477 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,879 Speaker 1: That goes back to like simple things that maybe we 478 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,280 Speaker 1: don't apply to our lives as much as we should, 479 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:50,800 Speaker 1: as like, if you're trying to do everything, you're going 480 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,159 Speaker 1: to be giving to all those things. And if you 481 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:55,000 Speaker 1: want to give like a like a more of your 482 00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:57,439 Speaker 1: energy to one thing and do it really well, you 483 00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:01,119 Speaker 1: can't do it all. But right, It's it's confusing because 484 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:02,960 Speaker 1: I don't know that this is so much a mother script, 485 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,560 Speaker 1: but I grew up with these two conflicting ideas of 486 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:07,800 Speaker 1: you can be whatever you want to be, which I 487 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,199 Speaker 1: don't think it's true. Um, you can be whatever, you 488 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:12,320 Speaker 1: can be, whatever you want to be and you can 489 00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:14,520 Speaker 1: have whatever, like go have it all, like if you 490 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:15,720 Speaker 1: want to all, go have it all, kind of like 491 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:18,800 Speaker 1: American dream kind of stuff. And then also that idea 492 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,560 Speaker 1: of you can't do it all and if you want 493 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,840 Speaker 1: to do something well, you have to choose and focus 494 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:25,960 Speaker 1: on that. Like I think I got those two things constantly. 495 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,760 Speaker 1: I think I still see those two things constantly, and 496 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,560 Speaker 1: that is so confusing because it's like, wait a second, 497 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,000 Speaker 1: which one do I choose? Or am I supposed to 498 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 1: choose both? And then going back to you saying like 499 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:39,840 Speaker 1: limits are actually really helpful, like when you feel like 500 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,080 Speaker 1: you are limited in the things that you can do, 501 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,719 Speaker 1: that is what kind of grounds you and creates boundaries. 502 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:48,920 Speaker 1: So those things are done well and you can enjoy them. Yes, 503 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,320 Speaker 1: And I don't know if it's just because I'm a 504 00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:54,880 Speaker 1: low capacity woman, but like I'm always thinking about, Okay, 505 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,679 Speaker 1: I've got two good hours and every day, Yeah, what 506 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,679 Speaker 1: do I know that I want to put them towards today? 507 00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:04,280 Speaker 1: And it changes and what do I know? We'll just 508 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:07,080 Speaker 1: have to get We'll have to get some like phoned 509 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:11,480 Speaker 1: in presence from me because I don't have limitless capacity. 510 00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,320 Speaker 1: And I think that's one of the reasons I knew 511 00:27:13,359 --> 00:27:19,080 Speaker 1: that biological parenting wasn't for me for many reasons, but 512 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:24,160 Speaker 1: one of them being I really love my bodily autonomy 513 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:30,680 Speaker 1: and really love and desire like to steward my energy well, 514 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:32,879 Speaker 1: and it is hard enough for me to do that 515 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:35,800 Speaker 1: when I'm just taking care of meat and this body. 516 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:39,240 Speaker 1: And I don't you know, I don't experience shame over that. 517 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,320 Speaker 1: That feels like saying I have blonde hair, Like I 518 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:44,200 Speaker 1: just know this about myself. Um, and so I'm going 519 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,719 Speaker 1: to move in the world with this knowledge that I 520 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:50,960 Speaker 1: love my bodily autonomy and I love myself enough to 521 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:55,160 Speaker 1: be faithful to the energetic limits I have, which are 522 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:59,560 Speaker 1: many and plentiful. Can you speak to either your experience 523 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:02,960 Speaker 1: or experiences that you've heard through people that you've talked 524 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,960 Speaker 1: to about this idea, Because as you were saying that, 525 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,280 Speaker 1: I was thinking about this idea. Where going back to 526 00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:12,560 Speaker 1: that piece of if you choose not to have biological children, 527 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,200 Speaker 1: then you are selfish. So a lot of times that's 528 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:19,080 Speaker 1: what I hear, like I am choosing to be selfish 529 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:22,320 Speaker 1: by which again selfishness doesn't have to be a bad thing, 530 00:28:22,359 --> 00:28:25,280 Speaker 1: but I'm choosing to be selfish by honoring this part 531 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:27,240 Speaker 1: of me that says I don't want to have kids 532 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,879 Speaker 1: and I know that I am limited, and these are 533 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,199 Speaker 1: the things I want to focus on. What is the 534 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:35,040 Speaker 1: did you there was there any internal battle in you? 535 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:38,160 Speaker 1: Or have you heard through the people that you've talked 536 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:41,360 Speaker 1: to about the internal battle of I have to now 537 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 1: feel like I do these great big things because I'm 538 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:47,360 Speaker 1: choosing to be selfish and not have kids, so I 539 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:51,080 Speaker 1: have to do some great big social work and all 540 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,920 Speaker 1: of that, because if I don't, then I'm just a 541 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:55,920 Speaker 1: selfish person that just wants to have fun and care 542 00:28:55,960 --> 00:29:00,400 Speaker 1: about myself all the time. That makes sense, Yes, thanks sense. 543 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:03,800 Speaker 1: There are so many directions my brain wants to go, 544 00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:08,040 Speaker 1: so for me, this is not an equivalency. But I 545 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:10,080 Speaker 1: was thinking about this because I was writing the book 546 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:12,320 Speaker 1: that like no one tells me I'm selfish for like 547 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,680 Speaker 1: not also taking up marathon running, you know, like no 548 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 1: one tells me I'm selfish for not like reading my 549 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:23,160 Speaker 1: way through all the great literature. And it got me thinking, 550 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,840 Speaker 1: what is it about this really big thing that if 551 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:29,080 Speaker 1: I took on, I would take up a huge portion 552 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:32,560 Speaker 1: of my time in life that for some reason again, 553 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:36,120 Speaker 1: it's selfish, not to add it to just added to 554 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,560 Speaker 1: what I'm already doing. And so I started to get 555 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:43,400 Speaker 1: curious about, like the strategy behind calling women who opt 556 00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:48,080 Speaker 1: out of children selfish, and and learned this whole history 557 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:53,080 Speaker 1: about America, in particular, when this language first took root, 558 00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:57,040 Speaker 1: it was like early twentieth century Teddy Roosevelt gives this 559 00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,800 Speaker 1: like infamous speech um where he said, as you know, 560 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:04,320 Speaker 1: if you don't have children, you are selfish. You are 561 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,280 Speaker 1: not doing your God given duty, and you are not 562 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:11,520 Speaker 1: doing your duty to this country. And I'm like, oh, oh, 563 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:16,400 Speaker 1: so selfish is a strategy of capitalism because in order 564 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:21,719 Speaker 1: for men who at that time were expanding from working 565 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,239 Speaker 1: on the family farm working on the family home, this 566 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:27,080 Speaker 1: is when you start to see those like Victorian division 567 00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:29,680 Speaker 1: of labor, like men were going out of the house 568 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:31,920 Speaker 1: in the day to work in the factory or field. 569 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:36,440 Speaker 1: Women now needed to be motivated to stay home and 570 00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:38,880 Speaker 1: make their home into a haven so that when those 571 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:42,480 Speaker 1: men came home they could sort of comfort themselves that 572 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:46,280 Speaker 1: all of those like dirty, nasty things and competitive aggressive 573 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:48,560 Speaker 1: things we did at work are now soothed by this 574 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,040 Speaker 1: feminine presence in the house. So this is all to 575 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:57,560 Speaker 1: say that in America we told women we needed their unpaid, 576 00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:01,680 Speaker 1: selfless labor in order for men to go to work 577 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:06,400 Speaker 1: and be unfeeling, women had to feel for their own home. 578 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:10,800 Speaker 1: And so like, knowing that long history helps me to 579 00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:14,640 Speaker 1: depersonalize now the selfish claims, I'm like, no, that's just 580 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:18,280 Speaker 1: a strategy. That's just a strategy of American exceptionalism because 581 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:22,479 Speaker 1: you want more taxpayers, or you want to compel my 582 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:26,560 Speaker 1: my labors. That America is like the greatest and biggest 583 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:30,200 Speaker 1: and most competitive country. You also don't know what to 584 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:33,600 Speaker 1: do with me if you can't motivate me in this 585 00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:36,840 Speaker 1: particular way. So there's something very dangerous, I think, to 586 00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:42,520 Speaker 1: America and to capitalism for women that are not motivated 587 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,440 Speaker 1: by family and men who are not motivated by the work. 588 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:48,640 Speaker 1: So one of the most interesting things I found uh 589 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:52,280 Speaker 1: in my research was that the most derided groups historically 590 00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:55,640 Speaker 1: in the last hundred years have been child free women 591 00:31:55,680 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 1: and homeless men. And it's because both fail to provide 592 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:02,960 Speaker 1: side what this country thinks it needs to survive, which 593 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:07,800 Speaker 1: is independent men and dependent women. Oh my god, that's 594 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:12,360 Speaker 1: my little back. God, this isn't about me when someone 595 00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:21,280 Speaker 1: says this, this isn't about me, Okay. And my third 596 00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:26,600 Speaker 1: and final favorite clip and memory from the podcast comes 597 00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:30,760 Speaker 1: from maybe, I think the most fun episode that I've 598 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:35,400 Speaker 1: ever recorded, maybe ever, And this episode is the one 599 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:36,960 Speaker 1: that I did with one of my best friends, Jesse, 600 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,600 Speaker 1: where we talk about what we would consider red flags 601 00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:44,240 Speaker 1: in any dating scenarios. Now, this whole episode. If you 602 00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:46,520 Speaker 1: have not listened to this episode, you should just listen 603 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:49,000 Speaker 1: to it because I think it's fun. We listened to 604 00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:51,200 Speaker 1: it back on our way home from a road trip 605 00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:54,200 Speaker 1: and we just laughed the whole time because we thought 606 00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:55,920 Speaker 1: it was funny. So I hope you think it's funny. 607 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:58,240 Speaker 1: But it was just a good episode that I think 608 00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:01,479 Speaker 1: you can learn things from but also entertaining for a 609 00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:05,200 Speaker 1: whole different set of reasons than other of my episodes 610 00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:08,240 Speaker 1: might be entertaining. But the whole episode is full fun, 611 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:11,360 Speaker 1: and that's one of the ways that I think I've 612 00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:15,200 Speaker 1: been able to remain positive and hopeful in my dating experiences. 613 00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:18,120 Speaker 1: Throughout my life. I've had a lot of horrible times, 614 00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:20,560 Speaker 1: a lot of sad times, a lot of hard times, 615 00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:22,840 Speaker 1: but I also have a lot of good stories, a 616 00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:26,000 Speaker 1: lot of good laughs, and a lot of like you 617 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:29,200 Speaker 1: can't even make the sub moments. So in this episode, 618 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:33,360 Speaker 1: I had Jesse tell my very favorite dating story of ours. 619 00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:36,000 Speaker 1: And it's one of those stories for me that no 620 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:38,480 Speaker 1: matter how many times I make her tell it, or 621 00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:41,680 Speaker 1: I even tell it to people, it just keeps being funny. 622 00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:46,360 Speaker 1: So to wrap up, we're gonna go out with a 623 00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:50,320 Speaker 1: bang with my favorite bad date story ever from my 624 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:53,200 Speaker 1: episode that I did Red Flags, Green Flags, and everything 625 00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:57,560 Speaker 1: in between with Jesse Green. So here it is. If 626 00:33:57,600 --> 00:33:59,280 Speaker 1: you listen to the show a lot, you might have 627 00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 1: heard me talk about my shitty date jar. Well, Jesse, 628 00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:06,560 Speaker 1: actually the jar belonged to you. It's now on my 629 00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:11,120 Speaker 1: did you take it back? So when we lived together, 630 00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:15,360 Speaker 1: this must have been two thousand and nineteen eighteen. I 631 00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,160 Speaker 1: think we had just started using the dating maps. It 632 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:20,919 Speaker 1: was like it was the same time together. Yeah, and 633 00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:23,279 Speaker 1: we just went on all these dates and they were 634 00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,680 Speaker 1: really bad and some of them were funny, some of 635 00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:28,800 Speaker 1: them were like I want to cry. And so we 636 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:30,839 Speaker 1: created this jar that we would write all of our 637 00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:33,799 Speaker 1: dating stories and put them in the jar because that 638 00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:38,880 Speaker 1: actually helped alleviate the pain of it all so we 639 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,680 Speaker 1: could laugh about it. And guys. The jars pretty four 640 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:44,040 Speaker 1: and I will say sometimes people used to be displayed 641 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:45,319 Speaker 1: at my house and when people would come in, they 642 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:47,760 Speaker 1: be like, oh, I have one, Like I have people's 643 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:49,560 Speaker 1: dates in my jar that I don't know who they are, 644 00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:52,480 Speaker 1: just I think it's nice. Kind of unites us all. 645 00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:54,640 Speaker 1: But while we're talking about the shitty date Jar, since 646 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:58,360 Speaker 1: Jesse was a founding father of the jar, would you 647 00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:02,920 Speaker 1: like to tell my most favorite story? It was early 648 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:05,160 Speaker 1: on in the dating app world in two thousand eighteen, 649 00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:08,160 Speaker 1: whenever we started this adventure, I was committed to meeting 650 00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:10,720 Speaker 1: a man. I met this man. We chatted for a while. 651 00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:14,839 Speaker 1: He was really fun. Was this the first date? It first? 652 00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:16,680 Speaker 1: But was it your first dating app date? It was 653 00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:19,799 Speaker 1: one of no, it was probably top five first five. 654 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:22,920 Speaker 1: We chatted for a while. He was very funny. I 655 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:25,400 Speaker 1: loved it. Love a funny guy. I love a funny guy. 656 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:26,600 Speaker 1: And he's like, what do you want to do for 657 00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:28,200 Speaker 1: the date? I was like, I'm pretty low key. So 658 00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:30,239 Speaker 1: this man says, let's go to the Prints game, which 659 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:33,080 Speaker 1: is key, not low key, not low key. I'm like, 660 00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:35,399 Speaker 1: I like to wear yoga pants and get coffee and 661 00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:39,840 Speaker 1: really am up date two. So now, anyways, I'm sober 662 00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:41,600 Speaker 1: because I was doing a whole thirty at that time. 663 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:45,920 Speaker 1: So he was very nervous, and he got very drunk 664 00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:49,200 Speaker 1: on our date, which is fine, we'll not getting very drunk, 665 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:51,080 Speaker 1: but like he kept going back for more, and he's like, 666 00:35:51,120 --> 00:35:55,680 Speaker 1: do you want to know I'm still not drinking. Thanks, 667 00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:59,080 Speaker 1: still hasn't changed in this three hour period. Also, Predators 668 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:01,480 Speaker 1: games are very long dates. We also said in a 669 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:04,319 Speaker 1: season ticket section where everyone knew everyone and knew we 670 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:07,279 Speaker 1: didn't belong. Anyways, he was very nervous. We didn't talk 671 00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:08,960 Speaker 1: a ton or never texting y'all. And I was like, guys, 672 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:10,560 Speaker 1: this is awkward. I don't know how this is going. 673 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:12,799 Speaker 1: I don't need everybody in the world to know. I 674 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:17,480 Speaker 1: would never agree to go. This is your red flog. 675 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:19,799 Speaker 1: You agree with things that are insane. I would never 676 00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:23,880 Speaker 1: agree to go on a first date to a Predators 677 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:26,319 Speaker 1: game where you're stuck sitting next to the person for 678 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:29,279 Speaker 1: three hours and everybody around you knows you're on the 679 00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:31,319 Speaker 1: first date. Because how didn't you have the conversation of 680 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:33,239 Speaker 1: like where did you grow up? When I just I 681 00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:36,200 Speaker 1: don't get it, Like I get so anxious about this 682 00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:38,759 Speaker 1: of like, what did you do again? If you wanted 683 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:40,800 Speaker 1: to leave, you couldn't. If you couldn't be like, oh gosh, 684 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,919 Speaker 1: I gotta go, it's he's persevered. You sat the whole time. 685 00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:47,040 Speaker 1: You you you have a sporting event to like just 686 00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:51,000 Speaker 1: distract you from your exit plan. No, I didn't. I 687 00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:53,120 Speaker 1: was there. I was committed. It was long anyway, carry on. 688 00:36:53,239 --> 00:36:55,480 Speaker 1: So at the end, after this man has had is 689 00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:56,880 Speaker 1: like two for one. He was coming back with like 690 00:36:56,920 --> 00:36:59,320 Speaker 1: two drinks for himself at one time. Again not the worst, 691 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:01,600 Speaker 1: but like not when I'm like, hey, drinking water. To 692 00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:05,680 Speaker 1: be clear, it wasn't two for one. I guess the 693 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:08,880 Speaker 1: prends are never two for one. Oh sweet buddy, sweet 694 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:13,319 Speaker 1: me like beers. He came back with Okay, Well, at 695 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:15,239 Speaker 1: the end he was like, do you want to drive home? 696 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:17,399 Speaker 1: I said, I don't think I have an option. Yes, 697 00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:22,960 Speaker 1: give me your keys, like you can't drive us. So, So, 698 00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:25,239 Speaker 1: if you've lived in Nashville and you've been out to 699 00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:26,640 Speaker 1: a Pred's game, you know when you park in a 700 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:29,239 Speaker 1: parking garage, you basically live in the parking garage after 701 00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:31,279 Speaker 1: the game. So how do you entertain yourself with the 702 00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:33,680 Speaker 1: drunk man that you've just spent three hours with that's 703 00:37:33,719 --> 00:37:35,600 Speaker 1: not going well. You have nothing else to talk about. 704 00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:37,200 Speaker 1: I think we talked about everything. I could tell you 705 00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:40,520 Speaker 1: his whole life story. I decided to play a game, 706 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:45,080 Speaker 1: and the game was tell me this is my red flag. 707 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:49,440 Speaker 1: And I see the thing here. I said, Well, we 708 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:51,600 Speaker 1: know so much about each other at this point, why 709 00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:53,600 Speaker 1: don't you go ahead and tell me the three worst 710 00:37:53,600 --> 00:38:00,680 Speaker 1: things about you? Pause for dramatic effect, But in a seriousness, 711 00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:04,400 Speaker 1: that's a funny question because it's like in an interview 712 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:07,320 Speaker 1: and somebody's like, Okay, what are the qualities that or 713 00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:10,200 Speaker 1: what are they asking your weaknesses? It's like, well turned 714 00:38:10,239 --> 00:38:14,240 Speaker 1: into a right or whatever. I was thinking organized seriously, 715 00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:16,080 Speaker 1: I was thinking if he had asked me that, I 716 00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:18,600 Speaker 1: would have said, well, my friends say I'm too kind, 717 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,080 Speaker 1: or when I volunteer too much, it takes up too 718 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,520 Speaker 1: much of my time on the weekends, and just too pretty. 719 00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:25,480 Speaker 1: I would have said all of those things. Had he 720 00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:29,120 Speaker 1: asked me, I'm so pretty, intimidates all my other friends. 721 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:33,200 Speaker 1: He did not go that route. He sat in literally 722 00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:35,000 Speaker 1: for about a few minutes, and then do I have 723 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:36,520 Speaker 1: to say what he actually said? Yeah, that's the whole 724 00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:38,840 Speaker 1: point of that's right. So this man comes at me 725 00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:43,880 Speaker 1: the first thing personality. I think we're kidding still, so 726 00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:47,120 Speaker 1: I laugh out loud to the drug man as I'm 727 00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:49,520 Speaker 1: driving his massive pickup truck in a parking garage. And 728 00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:51,920 Speaker 1: if you guys don't get what that is strange, it's 729 00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:53,759 Speaker 1: because you're on a first date and it seems like 730 00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:56,280 Speaker 1: on a first date you're trying to sell your personality, 731 00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:59,239 Speaker 1: but not like I actually have the worst personality that 732 00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:01,600 Speaker 1: you could have run gin Well, then he just he 733 00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:04,000 Speaker 1: describes why it's bad. It's not like my personality is bad. 734 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:05,400 Speaker 1: Let me go into the second one is like, my 735 00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:08,160 Speaker 1: personality is bad because people these are This is why 736 00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:10,800 Speaker 1: it's bad. And so I wasn't prepared for an actual answer, 737 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:13,320 Speaker 1: so I said, okay, yeah, no, you're fine. It's great. 738 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:16,040 Speaker 1: Number two, how do you talk? Number two? He gave 739 00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:18,359 Speaker 1: me some bs answer about work. He's like, people say 740 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,839 Speaker 1: I'm an asshole at work and I'm just too mean 741 00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:23,440 Speaker 1: and blah blah blah. And I was like, awesome, not 742 00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:27,879 Speaker 1: a great thing, but okay. And then when you can't 743 00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,480 Speaker 1: stop your personality being the worst thing about you or 744 00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:33,919 Speaker 1: that you're an asshole, I want people to like guess 745 00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:38,040 Speaker 1: in your head. Actually, like pause the podcast and send 746 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:41,319 Speaker 1: in what you think it is to my Instagram DN 747 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:45,880 Speaker 1: give it a follow while you're there maybe, or at 748 00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:47,640 Speaker 1: the pot you can follow the podcast that you Need 749 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:50,600 Speaker 1: Therapy podcast. What do you think the third thing was? 750 00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:53,840 Speaker 1: His worst thing about him? It can't be his personality 751 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:57,280 Speaker 1: or that he's a jerk at work, So it's so nice. 752 00:39:57,320 --> 00:40:00,239 Speaker 1: That's weird to me too. Okay, so the word the 753 00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:07,640 Speaker 1: third worst thing about him? He's a little gassy if 754 00:40:07,719 --> 00:40:09,400 Speaker 1: you cry if you don't say it that way, you know, 755 00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:12,799 Speaker 1: like imagine being trapped in a car with a drunk man, 756 00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:15,439 Speaker 1: with a drunk man who just told you that he's 757 00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:20,160 Speaker 1: gassy on a first date. And then I said imagine 758 00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:23,640 Speaker 1: this and you're like, I replay it every time you 759 00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:25,560 Speaker 1: make me tell the story, which is like my party 760 00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:28,319 Speaker 1: trick for you. He jes tell everyone about your worst date, 761 00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:33,120 Speaker 1: which one, Katherine, you know the ones? Every time, Um, 762 00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:35,680 Speaker 1: it's fine, it's fine. But then, like he did his personality, 763 00:40:35,719 --> 00:40:40,160 Speaker 1: he described the gassy situation as well, know that, so like, 764 00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:42,200 Speaker 1: is it certain foods that make him gas? I think 765 00:40:42,239 --> 00:40:44,120 Speaker 1: it was, And he's like, you know what happens to 766 00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:46,440 Speaker 1: everyone was like, bro, I'm not about to agree to 767 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:50,960 Speaker 1: that on first stage like hard pass and then guys, 768 00:40:51,239 --> 00:40:53,799 Speaker 1: when this is about red flags, not my dating life. 769 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,480 Speaker 1: But at this point he said, what about you? What 770 00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,000 Speaker 1: are your worst three things? And you go, you can't 771 00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:00,839 Speaker 1: follow up to my person reality is bad and I'm 772 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:05,040 Speaker 1: really gassy, I'm too pretty. So of the three worst 773 00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:07,080 Speaker 1: things about myself? What do you do? You remember what 774 00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:09,120 Speaker 1: they were? Yeah? I probably said some people think I 775 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:14,200 Speaker 1: mean sometimes I'm just kidding. Then I probably lied and 776 00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:16,400 Speaker 1: made up to other things because I didn't actually have 777 00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:20,160 Speaker 1: Like I sweat a lot when I work out, I don't. 778 00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:23,080 Speaker 1: I don't know what I said. I probably lose. Like 779 00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:27,600 Speaker 1: people think my hair your hair, I don't. I don't 780 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:31,279 Speaker 1: know like that like this beautiful air, but I just 781 00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:34,640 Speaker 1: said someone who lived with her it gets everywhare and 782 00:41:34,719 --> 00:41:37,600 Speaker 1: this is why I'm single from now on after this 783 00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:42,959 Speaker 1: podcast Like that, I'm kidding. It actually has great hair. 784 00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:46,000 Speaker 1: I'm not over compensating. It really is beautiful and thick. 785 00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:54,400 Speaker 1: It's getting awkward, but I still find your hair. I 786 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:58,480 Speaker 1: just moved. It's like confetti every Yeah, it's like confessions. 787 00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,439 Speaker 1: You'll never miss me. Right, because I always had a piece. 788 00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:03,879 Speaker 1: If you ever where I go, you're welcome anyways. So 789 00:42:04,239 --> 00:42:07,919 Speaker 1: he's happily married. Now, good for him, you know, good 790 00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:10,200 Speaker 1: for HIV. But here's the thing. The reason we told 791 00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:13,399 Speaker 1: you that story is because through dating maps, I feel 792 00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:18,040 Speaker 1: like we experience very strange dating experiences on a different 793 00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:20,399 Speaker 1: level than people used to, because we're meeting people from 794 00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:23,480 Speaker 1: all over the place that we normally would never run 795 00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:27,359 Speaker 1: into or have the chance to experience. So they're just 796 00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:30,759 Speaker 1: are all kinds of characters out there. Also, I will 797 00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:34,400 Speaker 1: say this, Jesse is a very forgiving human being, and 798 00:42:34,480 --> 00:42:36,680 Speaker 1: she will give most people a second chance. He asked 799 00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:39,120 Speaker 1: me out again and I said yes, But then he didn't. 800 00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:44,720 Speaker 1: You didn't what happened, he said, because he said that text. Yeah, 801 00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:46,320 Speaker 1: he never followed through with a date. And then he 802 00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:48,799 Speaker 1: sent you a Happy Valentine's Day in text with the 803 00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:51,719 Speaker 1: rose emoji, and it was like two weeks later and 804 00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:54,759 Speaker 1: then he ghosted me and then he got Mary. So 805 00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:56,759 Speaker 1: there you have it. My favorite clips of you Need 806 00:42:56,760 --> 00:43:01,200 Speaker 1: Therapy from again. I will link these episodes in the 807 00:43:01,239 --> 00:43:03,480 Speaker 1: show notes for you all so you can go and 808 00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:05,440 Speaker 1: listen to them if you haven't listened to them or 809 00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:09,680 Speaker 1: just want a little refresh and thank you again for 810 00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:12,280 Speaker 1: being a part of this community. So I have reasons 811 00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:16,680 Speaker 1: to keep making the podcast, and then I have experiences 812 00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:20,040 Speaker 1: that I continue to learn from and learn about both 813 00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:23,400 Speaker 1: myself and the world. So the next two weeks, I 814 00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:25,040 Speaker 1: will be taking a little bit of a break. Like 815 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:27,440 Speaker 1: I said in the beginning of the episodes, we have 816 00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,040 Speaker 1: one more new couch Talks that will come out on 817 00:43:30,080 --> 00:43:33,160 Speaker 1: Wednesday to celebrate the three year anniversary of You Need 818 00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:36,520 Speaker 1: Therapy podcast, and I want to give you guys a 819 00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:39,560 Speaker 1: chance to send in your questions for that episode. So 820 00:43:40,080 --> 00:43:42,560 Speaker 1: if you have questions that are maybe time sensitive, maybe 821 00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:44,880 Speaker 1: about the end of the year, maybe about the beginning 822 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:48,319 Speaker 1: of a year, go ahead send those I will be 823 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:53,640 Speaker 1: recording that episode Tuesday afternoon. So if it is Friday 824 00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:56,560 Speaker 1: and you're listening to this episode of the week that 825 00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:59,200 Speaker 1: it came out, you are too late because couch Docks 826 00:43:59,200 --> 00:44:03,200 Speaker 1: already came out. But you can always send in a 827 00:44:03,320 --> 00:44:05,920 Speaker 1: question no matter what, to my email Catherine at You 828 00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:10,640 Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast, Because Couch Shocks comes out every single Wednesday, 829 00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:13,080 Speaker 1: and so there will be more episodes where I will 830 00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:15,719 Speaker 1: answer your questions in the future, but I did want 831 00:44:15,719 --> 00:44:17,680 Speaker 1: to give you guys a little bit of a teaser, 832 00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:20,040 Speaker 1: so if you have a question about the new year, 833 00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:21,799 Speaker 1: you can send that in right now and it might 834 00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:25,359 Speaker 1: give you that little pressure that you need to send 835 00:44:25,360 --> 00:44:27,280 Speaker 1: in the question that you've maybe have been thinking about 836 00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:31,439 Speaker 1: for a while. So after that from take a little break, 837 00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:33,880 Speaker 1: we're gonna play some of my favorite episodes of all time, 838 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:37,080 Speaker 1: and then we'll be back with fresh content in the 839 00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:40,680 Speaker 1: new year. Thank you guys again for being here, for listening, 840 00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:43,480 Speaker 1: for allowing me to even have a space to create 841 00:44:43,520 --> 00:44:47,239 Speaker 1: these favorite moments. And until Wednesday, I hope you have 842 00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:49,799 Speaker 1: the day you need to have. You can follow me 843 00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:53,480 Speaker 1: on Instagram at cat dot de fata and at You 844 00:44:53,480 --> 00:45:01,600 Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast by the Botto