WEBVTT - 10) Kill or Be Killed 0:00:01.360 --> 0:00:03.920 All eight episodes of To Die For are available now 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:07.000 to bench absolutely free, but for ad free listening and 0:00:07.040 --> 0:00:12.160 exclusive bonuses, subscribe to tendorfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com 0:00:12.280 --> 0:00:13.600 or on Apple podcasts. 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:22.720 Warning, the following episode contains explicit language and sexual themes. 0:00:23.520 --> 0:00:25.320 Listener discretion is advised. 0:00:33.960 --> 0:00:35.879 So you went to your place, you packed up. Did 0:00:35.880 --> 0:00:37.120 you talk to your parents at all? 0:00:37.760 --> 0:00:37.919 No? 0:00:38.360 --> 0:00:39.879 So you didn't even tell your dad you were going 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:40.599 to Chechnya. 0:00:41.479 --> 0:00:41.639 No? 0:00:42.960 --> 0:00:44.680 Really, I just. 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:50.040 I don't know. I just didn't speak with them. We 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:52.680 didn't talk for like quite a long time, for the 0:00:52.720 --> 0:00:53.240 whole year. 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:58.760 Did you tell anyone else or anyone in your family? No, 0:01:00.000 --> 0:01:00.720 out of your sister. 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:03.360 I couldn't speak with my sister. I mean I was 0:01:03.400 --> 0:01:05.000 not allowed to speak with my sister. 0:01:06.200 --> 0:01:08.040 You might have died and shash In. Your family just 0:01:08.040 --> 0:01:08.759 would have found out. 0:01:08.840 --> 0:01:10.720 I mean they would find out at some point. 0:01:10.959 --> 0:01:12.480 I mean they would find out through like a letter 0:01:12.880 --> 0:01:15.959 or someone shut up their door. But you never even 0:01:15.959 --> 0:01:17.080 would have told them you were going. 0:01:16.959 --> 0:01:22.679 To the war. Well, they said that I wish you 0:01:23.520 --> 0:01:29.280 to be not alive. I was thinking, I mean, it 0:01:29.319 --> 0:01:31.479 doesn't manter if I will go, even if I will 0:01:31.520 --> 0:01:38.720 be Dad, they don't really care anyway. I felt like, 0:01:39.720 --> 0:01:45.960 maybe this is it, this is the end which they'll 0:01:46.000 --> 0:02:00.120 give me the relief to kill you. I'm really sorry 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:12.160 that Junyuns suit. 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:55.240 Suit verses, episode ten, chapter twenty two sent to die. 0:02:56.080 --> 0:02:59.920 So in the morning I arrived at the train station 0:03:00.880 --> 0:03:04.880 and we all lined up. I had my backpack with me, 0:03:05.520 --> 0:03:07.120 and it. 0:03:07.120 --> 0:03:09.040 Was one of the worst days of a Leah's life 0:03:09.560 --> 0:03:14.200 and possibly one of the last. As punishment for rejecting 0:03:14.240 --> 0:03:16.960 her new commander's advances, she had been sent away to 0:03:17.000 --> 0:03:19.280 die on the front lines of a war five hundred 0:03:19.320 --> 0:03:19.880 miles away. 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:26.959 So first we sat down into the train and everybody 0:03:26.960 --> 0:03:32.720 in the car were just young boys. The eyes were 0:03:32.760 --> 0:03:38.280 full of fears, and I looked at them and everybody 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:44.840 just had only one thought. Vala survive, Vla come back. 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:49.720 The train was bound for the border between Russia and Keshnya, 0:03:49.800 --> 0:03:52.600 a mostly Muslim region just north of the country of Georgia. 0:03:53.680 --> 0:03:56.320 It was annexed by Russia in the nineteenth century and 0:03:56.360 --> 0:03:59.160 ever since then has been trying, with varying degrees of success, 0:03:59.280 --> 0:04:01.280 to be on an next and independent again. 0:04:03.160 --> 0:04:05.320 And when we arrived at the main station, we were 0:04:05.360 --> 0:04:11.360 giving this uniform. It was like a thick jacket. The 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:18.159 color was dark green. Everything was much bigger than my size. 0:04:18.360 --> 0:04:23.320 And to they eve as guns, but like sniper guns 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:30.479 VCC and SVD. I didn't have any idea even how 0:04:30.560 --> 0:04:32.520 to use these guns. 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:37.840 Some nine years earlier, Checha had declared its independence, and 0:04:37.880 --> 0:04:41.080 now Eliyah and her fellow soldiers were there fighting in 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:44.080 a war for Putin, who was determined to retake control 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:48.240 of the territory for Russia. This was the Second Chechen War. 0:04:50.200 --> 0:04:55.560 And then I had this guy and he was standing 0:04:55.640 --> 0:04:58.760 next to me, and he was like from Kyrgyzstan. I 0:04:58.760 --> 0:05:03.160 think she probably so like that. I was all depressed 0:05:03.800 --> 0:05:07.440 because I was standing there as the zombie. He was 0:05:07.480 --> 0:05:11.240 telling me some funny stories and very stupid and I 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:15.839 looked at him, like, can you like stop, and he said, 0:05:16.440 --> 0:05:20.200 is it like your first time. I'm like, yes, of course, 0:05:20.200 --> 0:05:22.400 it's my first time. He was like, he relaxed, it's 0:05:22.480 --> 0:05:24.640 like my second time. So no worries, nothing happened. See, 0:05:24.640 --> 0:05:25.920 I'm still alive. I'm still here. 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:32.800 The newly arrived soldiers, including Aliyah and the man she 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:36.320 was talking to, Rashid, were then ordered onto trucks and 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:37.440 sent to the front lines. 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:43.400 He was talking and then he started to smoke, and 0:05:43.440 --> 0:05:48.039 everybody was smoking, and I just I thought, like, maybe 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:50.320 it will help me out. So I tried to smoke 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:51.960 and then I was coughing and I said, fuck it, 0:05:52.400 --> 0:05:55.279 I'm not doing this, like I couldn't. And then he said, 0:05:55.560 --> 0:05:59.320 good good. It's better not to smoke if you a sniper. 0:05:59.560 --> 0:06:04.159 And it was like why, And then another guy was 0:06:04.320 --> 0:06:08.080 sitting next to me. He said, if you smoke in 0:06:08.160 --> 0:06:13.120 the night, your enemy may see you, and if they 0:06:13.160 --> 0:06:17.360 can just truck or like culculate where your hat is, 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:21.920 they can kill you in your like hat. So it's 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:26.040 better not to get used to the smoke. And they 0:06:26.080 --> 0:06:33.160 said like, oh yeah, good to know. Thanks. We were 0:06:33.200 --> 0:06:38.520 driving for a couple hours. It became dark and cold, 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:43.800 and we arrived to the place where far away we 0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:47.400 could see it was not like even town, but like 0:06:47.480 --> 0:06:49.400 small kind of feelings with a few houses. 0:06:50.960 --> 0:06:53.520 Leah and her new squad members were then brought to 0:06:53.560 --> 0:06:55.720 a makeshift military base on top of a hill. 0:06:57.000 --> 0:07:01.880 They said, okay, so this is your station. Obviously, no shower, 0:07:02.960 --> 0:07:08.159 no TV or anything like that, no computer, no telephone, 0:07:08.480 --> 0:07:14.920 no internet of course, no nothing. And the smell was 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:23.520 the smell of death, when you smell man swat together 0:07:23.680 --> 0:07:28.760 with blood, together with the land. I can remember in 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:33.960 my nightmares. I mean, there were only guys that was 0:07:34.080 --> 0:07:40.040 kind of like a little bit concern me. But you 0:07:40.080 --> 0:07:43.880 know what, nobody even thought about sex, because the most 0:07:43.880 --> 0:07:52.560 important instinct is to survive. The first night, I didn't 0:07:52.600 --> 0:07:56.000 sleep at all, and I didn't hear anything. It wasn't 0:07:56.080 --> 0:08:00.440 any you know, bombs or gun shots. And then in 0:08:00.480 --> 0:08:05.480 the morning, around like five am, I felt so cold, 0:08:06.160 --> 0:08:10.840 was freezing, and I couldn't even hear any birds singing 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:15.720 or anything like that. It was deadly quiet, and I 0:08:15.760 --> 0:08:19.480 looked at the guys, they are sleeping click babies. 0:08:22.560 --> 0:08:24.600 Over the course of her first day on the front lines, 0:08:24.920 --> 0:08:28.360 Alah's friend from the train station, Rashid, became a mentor 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:31.480 of sorts to her. He showed her the safest corner 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:33.480 of the barracks to sleep in and taught her other 0:08:33.520 --> 0:08:36.120 best practices for staying alive that he learned on his 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:37.600 previous deployment in Shshnya. 0:08:38.880 --> 0:08:42.640 I was trying to wash my face. He said, don't 0:08:42.640 --> 0:08:45.640 do it, and I was like, dude, are you crazy, 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:48.880 Like this is hygienical things. I need to wash my face. 0:08:48.920 --> 0:08:53.000 And he said, now, if you're a sniper, because if 0:08:53.040 --> 0:08:58.679 your face is clean, then the color of the clean 0:08:58.760 --> 0:09:04.520 skin reflects the light and then the other sniper can 0:09:04.679 --> 0:09:08.480 see you and can shoot you really really well. 0:09:09.880 --> 0:09:12.840 Rashid totally and more about concealment and shooting a rifle. 0:09:13.200 --> 0:09:15.959 And they were signed as buddies and giving nights lookout duty. 0:09:17.000 --> 0:09:20.000 We were started to talk a lot, and I kind 0:09:20.000 --> 0:09:25.280 of like get used to his stupid jokes. And while 0:09:25.360 --> 0:09:29.600 we were like sitting there, remember he was asking me 0:09:29.920 --> 0:09:37.440 questions like, so where did you study, what was your department? 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:42.680 Who was your commander? And slowly, slowly I just opened 0:09:42.720 --> 0:09:45.280 up to him. I said, like, you know what I 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:47.800 can tell him? Why not? So I told him the 0:09:47.840 --> 0:09:49.360 whole story from the beginning. 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:52.959 When Leah got to the part of the story about 0:09:52.960 --> 0:09:56.840 turning down the advances of her commander, Lieutenant General Rashid 0:09:56.880 --> 0:09:59.199 had some strong words about him. 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:03.040 Oh like that preck. I heard a lot of stories 0:10:03.040 --> 0:10:08.840 about him. He sent many soldiers to the front line, 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:13.000 knowing that they would be killed, he still did it. 0:10:13.760 --> 0:10:16.959 He didn't care about the families, about their lives, so 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:20.760 he just basically sacrificed their lives for nothing. He said, 0:10:20.840 --> 0:10:26.160 he's a very bad commander, and and they said, well 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:28.920 that's why I'm here. I guess it's just bad luck. 0:10:37.400 --> 0:10:40.520 After a few days, Aliah began to realize the full 0:10:40.679 --> 0:10:44.280 grim nature of her assignment, shooting at people who she 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:47.240 didn't know and couldn't see who were also shooting at her, 0:10:47.800 --> 0:10:50.040 and wondering at the same time, was she even on 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:51.200 the right side here. 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:59.360 We were attacking civilians. We were fighting normal families they 0:10:59.400 --> 0:11:05.800 will protect in their country. We were attacking them. And 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:09.520 then I heard a lot of stories about cheaching men, 0:11:10.080 --> 0:11:14.160 how cruel they are, how do they torture people, How 0:11:14.200 --> 0:11:17.720 they would cut you apart just for their pleasure, just 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:23.160 to have fun. They would cut off the head of 0:11:23.200 --> 0:11:26.160 the Russian soldiers and they would send it to either 0:11:26.320 --> 0:11:29.920 Russian commanders just to kind of like piece them off 0:11:29.960 --> 0:11:36.000 and scare them. Call these like stories made me nauseous. 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:40.080 Alia didn't know whether these stories were true or just 0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:43.319 dehumanizing propaganda, but it kept her close to the base 0:11:43.760 --> 0:11:45.560 and an high alert in case of attack. 0:11:47.960 --> 0:11:52.480 We didn't have enough food, and one day a small 0:11:53.120 --> 0:11:57.520 troop of my colleague soldiers decided to go to the 0:11:57.600 --> 0:12:02.000 village to get some food. I mean, not to get 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:07.600 some food. They would basically almost like robe this village, right, So, 0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:14.480 I mean the Russian soldiers with guns hungry, So of 0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:20.079 course the village population would just give wherever devoted, just 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:23.520 to leave them alone and not to kill their families 0:12:23.559 --> 0:12:24.160 and their kids. 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:29.840 But this time the raid didn't go as planned. 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:33.400 There was an old guy, old enough to fight, but 0:12:33.520 --> 0:12:36.800 he still had a gun in the house, and he 0:12:36.960 --> 0:12:41.080 tried to kill my colleagues, but they shot him first. 0:12:43.880 --> 0:12:47.560 So it was it was terrible, you know, it was 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:52.280 terrible because they're like old people in that village who 0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:54.760 were just killed for nothing. 0:12:59.240 --> 0:13:01.800 It's unclear whether one man in the village was killed 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:05.800 or several people. But this act of senseless brutality shattered 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:06.760 the quiet on the base. 0:13:09.640 --> 0:13:11.960 When the broad of food, it was the feeling that 0:13:12.000 --> 0:13:15.000 this food had like blood, you know, like it's just 0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:19.640 you couldn't just even eat it. It's almost like poisoned 0:13:19.640 --> 0:13:21.480 by the blood of innocent people. 0:13:29.240 --> 0:13:33.400 The next day, snipers began shooting at the base. Evidently 0:13:33.679 --> 0:13:36.720 the villagers had informed the Chechen militia about what had happened, 0:13:37.160 --> 0:13:40.880 and now they were taking revenge, a revenge that in 0:13:40.920 --> 0:13:42.880 some respects Leah could understand. 0:13:44.240 --> 0:13:47.600 It really peaceed that mercenaries off. That's why they came 0:13:47.640 --> 0:13:50.520 and they started to basically kill us. If he wouldn't 0:13:50.559 --> 0:13:53.199 do it, or if they wouldn't go to the village, 0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:54.520 you wouldn't have this problem. 0:13:55.120 --> 0:13:57.760 Despite Elia's empathy for what the Chechens were going through, 0:13:58.040 --> 0:14:01.280 she was also a Russian soldier target of these mercenaries, 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:02.720 and she had her orders. 0:14:03.360 --> 0:14:03.520 Well. 0:14:03.600 --> 0:14:09.920 Our commander wanted to terminate them by killing them. 0:14:10.040 --> 0:14:13.440 So that night Aliah and Rashid went to their lookout location, 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:28.600 knowing that this time they might not come back. Chapter 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:31.160 twenty three, Aliah's prayer. 0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:43.440 Flahood. 0:14:45.880 --> 0:14:49.920 Russia has waged a brutal war against Chechen separatists since 0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:53.480 the nineteen nineties. The violence began when a former soul. 0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:57.480 We have fought against the Lastian occupations for centuries. We 0:14:57.520 --> 0:15:02.360 even had our own Holocaust. Stallion deported the entire book. 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:05.800 The Minister for a Defense provided a report on Zechhniya. 0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:10.160 Let me quote from the text. In Russia's interest, this 0:15:10.280 --> 0:15:15.400 region must be rendered devoid of life. 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:22.280 The Chechens were pretty formidable. They were a strange mix 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:27.920 of volunteer, local militias, ex military and foreign fighters. 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:31.200 This is doctor Mark Gailiadi, who is one of twenty 0:15:31.240 --> 0:15:34.520 nine British journalists that the Putin regime banned from Russia 0:15:34.680 --> 0:15:37.520 in twenty twenty two. He's also the author of several 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:39.880 books on Russia, including Putin's Wars. 0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:44.280 The Chechens themselves think of themselves as wolves, but they 0:15:44.320 --> 0:15:47.840 regard the wolf as being essentially something to live up to. 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:51.960 But on the one hand, absolutely ferocious in defense of 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:56.240 the pack, but one that ultimately depends on and protects 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:56.680 the pack. 0:15:57.840 --> 0:16:00.560 Because this region and the Caucasus Mountains and the Chechens 0:16:00.600 --> 0:16:03.440 who lived there are very little understood, I've called doctor 0:16:03.480 --> 0:16:05.920 Gailiadi to help explain the war that a Leo was 0:16:05.960 --> 0:16:06.440 fighting in. 0:16:07.800 --> 0:16:10.480 Of all the various parts of the Soviet Union, the 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:13.479 one that was probably the most unruly, the most reluctant 0:16:13.640 --> 0:16:17.360 to be under Moscow's control was Chechnya. It had been 0:16:17.560 --> 0:16:20.360 finally annexed by the Russian Empire back in the mid 0:16:20.440 --> 0:16:26.040 nineteenth century, and essentially, whenever the central government looked weak, 0:16:26.400 --> 0:16:27.600 the Czechen's rebelled. 0:16:28.280 --> 0:16:31.920 Doctor Gailiadi explains that when the Soviet Union dissolved, Chechnya 0:16:32.000 --> 0:16:35.000 took the opportunity to declare independence, and though the Russian 0:16:35.080 --> 0:16:38.720 army tried to stop them, they didn't succeed. This was 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:40.120 the first Chechen War. 0:16:40.720 --> 0:16:43.440 And in effect, the Chechens fought the Russians to a 0:16:43.520 --> 0:16:44.360 draw at that time. 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:48.440 Then Putin came to power and decided to finish Russian 0:16:48.480 --> 0:16:52.160 business in Chechnya, but first he needed a reason to 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:53.000 go back to war. 0:16:54.800 --> 0:16:58.520 A few weeks later, there were several terrorist bombs in Russia. 0:16:58.840 --> 0:17:02.760 Over three hundred were killed. It wasn't clear who had 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:06.320 done it, but most Russians were ready to blame the Chechens. 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:11.040 But some now say that these events were orchestrated by 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:16.439 the spies inside Putin's power base, the FSB successor to 0:17:16.480 --> 0:17:17.320 the KGB. 0:17:18.200 --> 0:17:21.840 I'm going to tell you without any doubts that the 0:17:21.880 --> 0:17:26.000 second war was initiated by FSB as a provocation they 0:17:26.080 --> 0:17:31.640 provo Jitchu. This became the second Chechen War, the one 0:17:31.640 --> 0:17:34.520 that a Leah was now caught up in. Here's doctor 0:17:34.520 --> 0:17:38.400 Gailliardi again, who also hosts the podcast in Moscow Shadows. 0:17:38.960 --> 0:17:41.919 So essentially, yes, this is very much Putin's war, and 0:17:42.000 --> 0:17:46.280 also this was his opportunity to essentially demonstrate to Russians 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:49.680 across the country that things were going to be different now. 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:52.960 It gave him a chance to pose with tough guy, 0:17:53.119 --> 0:17:57.040 macho rhetoric, but also make the point that Russia was back. 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:01.240 Even by the low standards of war. The Second Chechen 0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:04.640 War was a brutal and horror filled conflict on all sides, 0:18:05.000 --> 0:18:10.200 which included torture, assassination, mass murder of civilians, and suicide attacks. 0:18:11.400 --> 0:18:14.200 All civil wars have a tendency to be deeply unpleasant, 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:19.520 but in this case, brutality was mobilized as another weapon 0:18:19.560 --> 0:18:22.120 of war. I mean, there were at least forty thousand 0:18:22.160 --> 0:18:26.400 civilians who died. We have cases of cities like Grosny 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:30.320 being leveled even when their civilian populations within, But we 0:18:30.400 --> 0:18:35.120 also have a huge range of everything from outright atrocities 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:45.000 to just simply heedless brutality. Looting, for example, was widespread. 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:47.920 This is audio of a Chechen fighter returning a laptop 0:18:48.080 --> 0:18:51.119 that was looted by Russian forces. How he got it 0:18:51.160 --> 0:18:56.400 back we probably don't want to know. In the end, 0:18:56.720 --> 0:19:00.240 Houtin ultimately won his war, but at what cost. 0:19:01.119 --> 0:19:05.159 What happened is essentially Chechnia was brought under control. But 0:19:05.280 --> 0:19:08.840 it was brought under control firstly by massive levels of brutality, 0:19:09.520 --> 0:19:13.919 secondly by promising the new Chechen elite huge amounts of 0:19:14.000 --> 0:19:17.440 money and considerable autonomy. 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:23.840 With this context, now let's return to Alah at her 0:19:23.880 --> 0:19:26.680 fellow soldier Rashid as they walked their lookout point on 0:19:26.720 --> 0:19:29.639 the Russian Chechen border. With the looting of Russian troops 0:19:29.720 --> 0:19:32.440 has led to a retaliatory attack by the Chechen militia. 0:19:35.640 --> 0:19:39.239 So we we went to our location with Russia at 0:19:40.320 --> 0:19:44.639 the small hill. And while we were laying there, like 0:19:44.720 --> 0:19:47.199 I was just looking at the vauge all the time. 0:19:47.680 --> 0:19:53.520 One am, two am, three am, four am. By five am, 0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:58.440 I noticed that I was shaking. I was called as well. 0:19:58.480 --> 0:20:01.440 But you know, like this feeling when you scared so much, 0:20:02.880 --> 0:20:05.919 it's like your heart is shaking and it gives this 0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:11.240 shake to all your body. So six am, we've heard 0:20:11.320 --> 0:20:15.280 some gunshots from outside. It wasn't that long for a 0:20:15.359 --> 0:20:22.200 few minutes and Rushet he touched me with my shoulder 0:20:22.200 --> 0:20:30.320 and he said, okay, now like now, and he pressed 0:20:30.320 --> 0:20:39.640 the trigger and he shot them the enemy. He said 0:20:39.640 --> 0:20:44.560 to me, it's simple. Now it's your turn. And I 0:20:44.640 --> 0:20:53.760 saw through the scope. I saw the face with the 0:20:53.760 --> 0:21:01.080 beard and with the hat, and I stop breathing at 0:21:01.080 --> 0:21:06.359 that moment, but I waited. I felt like the blood 0:21:07.240 --> 0:21:10.359 and the heart beatings through my ears, like I could 0:21:10.400 --> 0:21:15.359 feel that my heart is beating so loud, or she 0:21:15.480 --> 0:21:22.520 told me, like do it now. I pressed the trigger 0:21:31.440 --> 0:21:36.440 and it was the silence pressed the trigger. I didn't cry. 0:21:38.320 --> 0:21:41.520 I didn't feel anything that time. That moment, I just 0:21:41.640 --> 0:21:49.320 didn't feel anything. I felt the metallic, you know, metallic. 0:21:50.200 --> 0:21:52.080 I don't know how do you say it. I just 0:21:52.280 --> 0:21:58.439 felt the strength of the gun and I didn't look again. 0:21:59.080 --> 0:22:03.840 I just close my eyes like that. And then Raschid 0:22:03.920 --> 0:22:12.760 told me, good job. Was it a good job? I 0:22:12.800 --> 0:22:21.000 don't know. I laid there for maybe an hour in 0:22:21.080 --> 0:22:26.639 the silence. Raschett also didn't talk. And then in the 0:22:26.720 --> 0:22:31.440 morning later we returned to our pace. I didn't want 0:22:31.440 --> 0:22:34.720 to talk to anyone. I drank a little bit water, 0:22:34.840 --> 0:22:40.840 but I couldn't even I couldn't even eat anything. When 0:22:40.880 --> 0:22:44.080 you experience something like that, it's just so much stressed. 0:22:44.240 --> 0:22:46.920 It was like almost like nauseous to even think about 0:22:46.960 --> 0:22:54.720 the food. I fell asleep. When I woke up, it 0:22:54.880 --> 0:22:59.119 was already dark and only Rashid came to me. He 0:22:59.160 --> 0:23:06.640 said to me, do you feel like okay? Like yeah, 0:23:06.680 --> 0:23:10.439 and he said, well, let's go, Let's go back. We 0:23:10.480 --> 0:23:14.160 need to, you know, to go back to our position. 0:23:15.400 --> 0:23:16.879 I said, like, yeah, let's go. 0:23:19.560 --> 0:23:22.399 As Aliyah and Rashid walked together, he spoke to her 0:23:22.400 --> 0:23:24.919 about his own challenges and come to terms with a 0:23:24.920 --> 0:23:27.920 horrible act of killing, trying to help her feel better 0:23:28.000 --> 0:23:31.000 about the events of the day before and likely the 0:23:31.080 --> 0:23:31.600 day ahead. 0:23:34.680 --> 0:23:38.720 We're walking and he talked to me. His eyes were 0:23:39.920 --> 0:23:45.080 always warm, you know, like he was really kind and 0:23:46.680 --> 0:23:51.119 he loved nature. He always was like looking at the 0:23:51.240 --> 0:23:54.600 sun and telling like it's so beautiful and leaves and 0:23:54.640 --> 0:23:58.359 trees and and he was a perfect sniper and killer. 0:24:00.080 --> 0:24:03.800 Told me about the wolf. He was a young boy. 0:24:04.440 --> 0:24:07.320 His father took him for the hunting and he said, 0:24:07.440 --> 0:24:11.640 I saw a big wolf and he said his eyes 0:24:11.680 --> 0:24:14.879 were so beautiful, and he said he looked at me, 0:24:16.359 --> 0:24:22.440 and father said, like, don't hesitate pressed the trigger and 0:24:22.520 --> 0:24:26.960 he said, I I couldn't do it because the wolf 0:24:27.080 --> 0:24:33.159 was so beautiful, like just beautiful animals, just like strong eyes. 0:24:34.880 --> 0:24:41.280 And he said he felt really bad after. He made 0:24:41.359 --> 0:24:44.439 me to feel a little bit better. I told him, listen, 0:24:45.600 --> 0:24:53.320 it's still human being, and it's still someone's son, perhaps father, brother, husband. 0:24:54.480 --> 0:24:58.520 And he said to me, never think this way, he said, 0:24:58.600 --> 0:25:04.000 when I hunt animals, they also have families, but you 0:25:04.040 --> 0:25:09.600 are the hunter. Never think that these people are somehow 0:25:09.720 --> 0:25:16.679 cescated to anyone else, because if you will start to 0:25:16.720 --> 0:25:20.399 do this, when you hesitate to press the trigger, that 0:25:20.600 --> 0:25:23.320 exactly the moment when you will be killed. You said, 0:25:23.640 --> 0:25:26.040 you just don't think like you aim it you press 0:25:26.080 --> 0:25:31.840 the button. We came to the position that night. It 0:25:32.119 --> 0:25:36.840 was quite I could hear how the wind was going. 0:25:37.000 --> 0:25:39.280 As they set up their guns, and they waiting in 0:25:39.320 --> 0:25:44.040 this irrequiet. Elia's dreads soon came back. Despite Rashid's talk. 0:25:45.119 --> 0:25:53.000 That smell and that coldness, and that disgusting feeling of 0:25:53.040 --> 0:25:58.760 the metallic cold weapen in your hands constantly, where your 0:25:58.800 --> 0:26:03.360 finger is just stuck closer to the trigger, and you're 0:26:03.359 --> 0:26:04.800 always in pressure, waiting. 0:26:17.280 --> 0:26:20.359 Even after several more nights of stillness broken by gunfire, 0:26:20.640 --> 0:26:24.080 Alah never became comfortable with the horrible task required to survive. 0:26:24.960 --> 0:26:28.840 The constant terror. Sleeplessness and discomfort made away at. 0:26:28.720 --> 0:26:32.159 Her like I came to the point where I just 0:26:32.359 --> 0:26:36.719 was thinking that I don't care what will happen. I 0:26:36.800 --> 0:26:40.840 just want to get out, Like you don't care anymore even, 0:26:40.960 --> 0:26:43.600 you know, like at some point you're so scared, you're scared, 0:26:43.640 --> 0:26:45.479 You're scared, You're scared, you're scared, and then you at 0:26:45.480 --> 0:26:47.480 some point you're just like so tired to be scared 0:26:47.520 --> 0:26:50.040 that you like, fuck it if I will be killed, 0:26:50.400 --> 0:26:53.000 I don't care anymore, Like I'm so tired, you know, 0:26:53.040 --> 0:26:57.280 Like it's like you're just so exhausted. You just feel like, 0:26:58.040 --> 0:27:01.679 even if it will happen to me, it's okay. I 0:27:01.720 --> 0:27:06.399 saw enough, it's fine. I just want to go to 0:27:06.720 --> 0:27:09.240 somewhere else, maybe in another world. 0:27:11.359 --> 0:27:15.120 But instead it just got worse. One night in particular, 0:27:15.480 --> 0:27:18.560 just before a big mission, Aliah was plagued by nightmares 0:27:18.760 --> 0:27:21.080 and found herself praying in her half sleep. 0:27:23.240 --> 0:27:29.160 Please God, please just get me out of here, please. 0:27:29.720 --> 0:27:33.320 I don't want to be here. Do something so I 0:27:33.400 --> 0:27:36.440 can leave this place, and I want to go home. 0:27:42.920 --> 0:27:46.760 She slept fifthully, and then suddenly she woke to noise 0:27:46.840 --> 0:27:48.320 and chaos all around her. 0:27:50.520 --> 0:27:53.160 When I woke up, I felt like something was going 0:27:53.160 --> 0:27:56.159 wrong and people like running, and it's some kind of 0:27:56.280 --> 0:27:59.440 like tension, but I didn't know exactly what happening. 0:28:00.080 --> 0:28:02.680 What was happening is that our base was being pounded 0:28:02.960 --> 0:28:04.360 by grenades and waters. 0:28:07.760 --> 0:28:13.520 Behalf of the base. It was just bombard like that, 0:28:13.960 --> 0:28:17.639 and the holes like land and sun and everything just 0:28:17.680 --> 0:28:21.879 with all this, you know, like soil. It just flew 0:28:22.080 --> 0:28:25.000 under my on the top of my head, like just 0:28:25.720 --> 0:28:29.159 with a how do you call it, like with the 0:28:32.720 --> 0:28:39.600 with the bomb like pup pressure. And because I was 0:28:39.720 --> 0:28:42.960 laying in the corner like rush, it gave me that. 0:28:44.280 --> 0:28:47.840 He gave me that. He gave me that corner because 0:28:47.880 --> 0:28:53.840 it was the most safest place, he said, And he 0:28:53.920 --> 0:28:58.640 gave me that safe place. They all were under the 0:29:00.560 --> 0:29:04.480 not all of them, but like eighty percent of my friends, 0:29:05.800 --> 0:29:11.920 they who killed. Parts of bodies were everywhere. I couldn't 0:29:11.960 --> 0:29:17.280 stand because my left she had something fall on it, 0:29:17.840 --> 0:29:21.320 like the wooden a huge stick which was next to 0:29:21.400 --> 0:29:25.320 my place where I slept. It's like it falls on me, 0:29:25.440 --> 0:29:28.480 but it falls exactly on my leg and it broke 0:29:28.560 --> 0:29:32.160 my bone. And I didn't know exactly what happened, but 0:29:32.200 --> 0:29:36.400 I couldn't stand up. And when I took this like 0:29:36.560 --> 0:29:39.680 leant out and all this stuff I saw the bone, 0:29:39.840 --> 0:29:43.960 the white bone, which was like out of my chin, 0:29:44.560 --> 0:29:48.200 through the through the trousers, which I was worrying all 0:29:48.240 --> 0:29:52.960 the time, and I couldn't do anything. I started to scream, 0:29:53.120 --> 0:30:00.000 like like help, help, but I couldn't hear anyone, the lieutenant. 0:30:00.000 --> 0:30:13.000 It was a light, but wherechid wasn't I just remember 0:30:13.880 --> 0:30:21.200 Rashid's face laying just next to me, and he didn't 0:30:21.240 --> 0:30:24.600 have half of his body. It was just his head 0:30:24.760 --> 0:30:33.680