Speaker 1: Welcome back Barbie Adler from Selective Search. She is a
Speaker 1: matchmaker and dating expert. So we are going to get
Speaker 1: all the free information and not have to pay several
Speaker 1: hundred thousand dollars.
Speaker 2: Okay, hello, hello, Hello.
Speaker 1: So many women are so worked right now, Like everybody
Speaker 1: looks good no matter where you go, because if everybody's
Speaker 1: got the fake hair, the fake eyelashes, all the makeup,
Speaker 1: the you know, inexpensive slutty dresses, all of these things,
Speaker 1: Like I'll be out and it's like a sea of
Speaker 1: similar women. And I never feel intimidated by women thirty
Speaker 1: years younger.
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't know why. I'm just very either confident or
Speaker 1: don't care. But I see that a lot of women
Speaker 1: I was at I keep talking about this. I haven't
Speaker 1: talked about it in a while, but I was at
Speaker 1: an editor's dinner, beauty editors now gorgeous young women, stunning,
Speaker 1: one pretty then the other. What everybody was worked to.
Speaker 1: Everybody smelled good, the long hair, the curves, the shape
Speaker 1: where they worked it. And they all looked very similar.
Speaker 1: And they were all saying to me, like, how do
Speaker 1: we meet men? It's so hard? And I'm looking at
Speaker 1: them thinking what the fuck is going on here? Like
Speaker 1: these women, because I do feel that there's a way
Speaker 1: to position yourself where you don't just look like a
Speaker 1: basic bee. You don't just look like a basic bee
Speaker 1: that is trying so hard to show the boobs, the legs,
Speaker 1: the blinged out purse, the sparkle makeup, the long lashes,
Speaker 1: the hair. Like men judge that too. They look at
Speaker 1: that and they you could be a rocket scientist dressed
Speaker 1: like that, and they're gonna think you're some version of
Speaker 1: a basic bitch bimbo. And that's just the fact I've
Speaker 1: I've seen men that I know that I'm friends with
Speaker 1: do it. They're like reducing women to something that's an
Speaker 1: object based on how the woman is presenting themselves.
Speaker 3: I also think that men are not like it's almost
Speaker 3: like you dress for women, but for men, they don't
Speaker 3: follow the fashion shins like that, and sometimes it's too much,
Speaker 3: it's too flashy, and they almost are run from it
Speaker 3: or are scared of it because they feel like there's
Speaker 3: nothing inside when they look that way.
Speaker 2: That's already too much high maintenance. Yeah, well, it looks
Speaker 2: like she's coming from wallet, right.
Speaker 3: It looks like ill motives like this girl is gonna
Speaker 3: literally have a mission and then she's gonna eat me
Speaker 3: up and chew me out, and she's not relationship oriented exactly.
Speaker 1: And that's adjacent to you know, women should be able
Speaker 1: to wear what they want and do what they want.
Speaker 1: But these are just facts. You can wear whatever you want.
Speaker 1: You could be Beyonca Sensory and go naked to the Grammys.
Speaker 1: But the point of what I'm saying is I'm just
Speaker 1: speaking on how men speak about women that look like
Speaker 1: they are just worked head to toe.
Speaker 2: It looks like she's a lot of working.
Speaker 3: Right, Or back it up with like maybe they're coming
Speaker 3: across too unapproachable because they're not talking and they're.
Speaker 2: Just it's the same thing people are on their phones.
Speaker 3: You can have the most amazing guy walk by you
Speaker 3: and no one would even know it because they're they're
Speaker 3: buried into their phone. It's like, you have to be approachable.
Speaker 3: You can't have a flock of women sitting in one group.
Speaker 3: A guy's going to be intimidated to even go up
Speaker 3: to that table. And the guy that goes up to
Speaker 3: the table of girls, that's the kind of guy you
Speaker 3: don't even want because they just are on the fishure too,
Speaker 3: or just they're fishing and it just seems a little
Speaker 3: sus and yeah, in a little tacky.
Speaker 2: So that's why you almost have to I always say, like.
Speaker 3: Whether you're going to the bathroom, where you're going to
Speaker 3: the bar and meeting a friend earlier and just looking
Speaker 3: approachable and having something to say, if you're just getting
Speaker 3: by by looks, people are gonna sniff that out and
Speaker 3: not trust trust you. I mean, obviously you could be
Speaker 3: beautiful and smart.
Speaker 1: This is a good one. And I really want to
Speaker 1: get into this because you are a person that people
Speaker 1: come and pay and hire to set them up. So
Speaker 1: presumably some of these people are consummate bachelors that have
Speaker 1: just hit the wall and they're done and they're ready now,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 2: I feel like that could happen.
Speaker 1: And over the course of all the years, I've had
Speaker 1: different people reach out to me about different people that
Speaker 1: I'm dating, and everybody has an opinion, okay, and I
Speaker 1: really do think it's important that you develop your own opinion.
Speaker 1: And I want to explain why years ago I dated
Speaker 1: someone who was a player and I just didn't think
Speaker 1: they were attractive when I met them, even though everybody
Speaker 1: else did.
Speaker 2: I can't explain it. I just didn't notice it. It
Speaker 2: was just weird.
Speaker 1: And so I I was after a divorce and I
Speaker 1: got together with them, and they had a reputation. And
Speaker 1: I've come into this with other people too. They had
Speaker 1: a reputation. They had been with a different girl every
Speaker 1: weekend because they were single and they were bachelors, and
Speaker 1: they didn't want to have a relationship, and that's what
Speaker 1: they chose to do. But I mean, maybe that a
Speaker 1: lot of pissed a lot of women off. Maybe sleeping
Speaker 1: at them not calling them the next day. Their body,
Speaker 1: their choice. If you sleep with a man, he doesn't
Speaker 1: have a legal obligation to call you. He's not a dick,
Speaker 1: he's not in anything. You guys made an arrangement. You
Speaker 1: chose to sleep with them on the first day. You
Speaker 1: should not sleep with someone until you are pretty certain
Speaker 1: that they're going to call and that you can trust them.
Speaker 1: Otherwise you're on your own. That's just my opinion, like
Speaker 1: your big or.
Speaker 3: It's just liberating, and you make the decision, then you
Speaker 3: have to deal with the consequences. If it can't be
Speaker 3: everything that you want, but it can be liberating. I
Speaker 3: thing you choose to.
Speaker 1: No, But you don't get to say the guy's an
Speaker 1: asshole because you were willing. You both got drunk, you
Speaker 1: both had sex the next day. He doesn't feel like
Speaker 1: calling you, he doesn't know you any It doesn't, it doesn't.
Speaker 1: He can call you if he wants to. He doesn't
Speaker 1: have to, he doesn't want to. You were both there
Speaker 1: as consenting adults to sign the piece of paper and
Speaker 1: women really okay, So, and that sucks. And we've all
Speaker 1: been there. You've all been with a guy that treated
Speaker 1: you like he was in love. I mean, if he
Speaker 1: says I'm in love with you and I want to
Speaker 1: have kids with you, that's deceptive. But by and large,
Speaker 1: if it's just you know, body and chemistry, anybody could
Speaker 1: say anything drunk.
Speaker 2: Okay. So I want.
Speaker 1: To talk about the fact that this person became a
Speaker 1: serious boyfriend of mine, a very serious boyfriend, because while
Speaker 1: we were in the like going on a date every week,
Speaker 1: and then we wouldn't speak for a couple of days,
Speaker 1: and then he'd want to go the next week.
Speaker 2: I said, this.
Speaker 1: Has to be evolving. I don't want to go. I
Speaker 1: don't want to this isn't who I am. I have
Speaker 1: to evolve in friendships and work. We don't have to
Speaker 1: do this, and he was like, well, I'm not a
Speaker 1: relationship person. I'm like, well, great, then then you.
Speaker 2: Don't have to be.
Speaker 1: But we can peace out because I would not be
Speaker 1: with you this often if I didn't eventually think it
Speaker 1: could be something Otherwise, I'd rather just not do this.
Speaker 1: He like bucked up and became a very loyal boyfriend.
Speaker 1: So I in my question is I am break the
Speaker 1: life coach and other people do believe that people can change.
Speaker 1: So I think that I want your opinion on if
Speaker 1: a guy historically has been a total player even slash
Speaker 1: a cheater, or a girl thinks he's in love with
Speaker 1: them and then he goes to the next girl like
Speaker 1: a full on player. Because George Clooney was a player. Uh,
Speaker 1: Warren Beatty was a player.
Speaker 2: Well, I was just about to say, I don't think
Speaker 2: there's such a thing.
Speaker 1: Okay, So I don't. I don't care how bad someone's
Speaker 1: reputation is. I think if you have good instincts, you
Speaker 1: can tell if someone is different with you or has
Speaker 1: the inkling to be different with you. And I don't
Speaker 1: there's a fine line between gaslighting yourself and pretend and
Speaker 1: pretending that they can change for you and it being true.
Speaker 1: So how do you navigate that?
Speaker 3: Yeah, look, I think when you're talking about guys in
Speaker 3: their twenties, some of it they just have to grow up, right,
Speaker 3: So I think we're talking about different decades and dating.
Speaker 2: It's different scenarios.
Speaker 3: But I think I always use an example of because
Speaker 3: in our business, people pay money.
Speaker 2: They're not players. They really want to be in a relationship.
Speaker 3: They're putting their ego aside, they're paying with their wallet,
Speaker 3: saying this is an investment making myself because I care
Speaker 3: about meeting the right person, and they either don't want
Speaker 3: to go online on dating apps because they're too private
Speaker 3: and they have too much personal and professional risk.
Speaker 2: So I always say to people like if.
Speaker 3: They know someone who's well known, like oh, I thought
Speaker 3: that guy was a player, No, he's not a player,
Speaker 3: he just hasn't met his person. Look at George Clooney,
Speaker 3: he's so loyal and a loving father, he just has
Speaker 3: didn't meet the right person. So so many people will
Speaker 3: couch it like, oh that guy was just a user,
Speaker 3: he was just an opportunist. No, he might really just
Speaker 3: not have met the person. So I think a lot
Speaker 3: of it is. Yes, you have to trust them in
Speaker 3: terms of how they are treating you. But I love
Speaker 3: what you said to this guy because you told him,
Speaker 3: I'm not going to do this if I'm not evolving,
Speaker 3: and so you told him chapters from your playbook. I
Speaker 3: believe we don't. We do not come with owner manuals.
Speaker 3: He's not a mind reader. But you did such a
Speaker 3: good job communicating, Look, it's okay if this is what
Speaker 3: you need, but this is what I need. If you
Speaker 3: want to be with me, then you're gonna have to
Speaker 3: evolve and step it up, and he did so my book.
Speaker 2: I don't think he's a player.
Speaker 3: I just think he wanted to be with you and
Speaker 3: so he stepped up because he didn't want to lose you.
Speaker 2: If you tell someone what you need and they don't.
Speaker 3: Do it, then that's where I think that then that
Speaker 3: person's not worth your time and you should trust him
Speaker 3: and move to the next person.
Speaker 1: I also don't like this whole, especially as a public person.
Speaker 1: This whole like un understanding from society that if we're
Speaker 1: dating someone we definitely want to like go the distance
Speaker 1: with them like it always is, like society positions it
Speaker 1: that a woman wants to get more from the guy,
Speaker 1: and that the guy like, you know, I like, I
Speaker 1: like women just women being in charge too, women just
Speaker 1: deciding I'm doing this for right now. I don't think
Speaker 1: this is gonna last. Men do it all the time,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it could be in the meantime, and it does
Speaker 3: not need to be just marriage or family planning. But
Speaker 3: I do think that's also good to be upfront about it, like, hey,
Speaker 3: I'm having fun. Let's let's just have fun whatever it is,
Speaker 3: whatever life page you're on. First you need to get
Speaker 3: crystal clear about what you're looking for and what life
Speaker 3: page you're on, and what do you want out of
Speaker 3: this out of life with whoever you're I think if
Speaker 3: you're not clear on your goals, you're going to waste
Speaker 3: your own time in other people's time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and also, if you are not true to yourself
Speaker 1: and what you want, you're never gonna quote unquote get
Speaker 1: the guy, meaning if you are pretending you're okay with
Speaker 1: it and just going along with his hope. But in
Speaker 1: other words, I could have gone out that night with
Speaker 1: the guy and then not heard from him again to
Speaker 1: the next week, and for me, that wasn't working. I
Speaker 1: needed to feel evolving. And he said, I don't want
Speaker 1: a serious girlfriend. I just want to be casual. And
Speaker 1: I said, well, all right, then call the fight.
Speaker 2: Call it.
Speaker 1: And we stayed on the phone for like an hour.
Speaker 1: He just couldn't call it. I was like And then
Speaker 1: finally he was like, all right, I want to do this.
Speaker 2: I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1: And it was a great relationship because I pushed it
Speaker 1: because I felt like I was settling for less than
Speaker 1: what I deserve and I didn't like the way that
Speaker 1: made me feel. And you'll end up being a dormat.
Speaker 1: It's energetic, like you gotta someone's got to meet you
Speaker 1: where you're at.
Speaker 2: That's it.
Speaker 1: You don't have to they don't have to. It's a
Speaker 1: business partnership. They don't have to do eighty percent of
Speaker 1: the work, but they have to do fifty percent.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you have to feel respected.
Speaker 3: The second that you start feeling taking advantage of or
Speaker 3: feeling bad about yourself, that's where you have to be
Speaker 3: true to yourself or else it's it's on you.
Speaker 2: If you don't do that, you have to communicate that.
Speaker 3: And and what's the worst that could happen that they're
Speaker 3: going to say no, I really just want something casual,
Speaker 3: and you say, totally appreciate you tubbing raightforward, there's no
Speaker 3: wrong answer.
Speaker 2: Bye. And then you find someone that is good for you, and.
Speaker 1: It's also confident you saying to someone I can't handle that,
Speaker 1: so I'm out, Like that's empowering you saying I want
Speaker 1: this and then staying makes you a dormat like.
Speaker 2: You could be.
Speaker 1: You could say on the first I mean you shouldn't,
Speaker 1: but you could say. You could say on the first date,
Speaker 1: if they asked you, what are your goals? I ultimately
Speaker 1: would like to find a life partner. You're allowed to
Speaker 1: want that. You don't have to say, could you marry
Speaker 1: me on the first date, but you're allowed to have No.
Speaker 3: It's you're not gonna reak. Yeah, you're not gonna reak
Speaker 3: of desperation by saying that. But I do think it's
Speaker 3: good to first internally know what it is and then
Speaker 3: you're staying in your place of power, and then that
Speaker 3: way you don't feel so beat up about it and
Speaker 3: having those internal conversations with yourself where you are gas
Speaker 3: letting yourself and making yourself feel bad and going bananas
Speaker 3: about it, like.
Speaker 1: Just have it.
Speaker 3: You know how many times the girlfriends just go on
Speaker 3: and on and on about something that doesn't work. It's like,
Speaker 3: have the conversation, share what's important to you, what you need.
Speaker 3: Otherwise let it go. It's just not good for you.
Speaker 3: It's not healthy.
Speaker 1: Yes, I'm speaking more to the fact that women worry
Speaker 1: more about the messaging than the message. I could message
Speaker 1: anything in a confident way. That does not make me
Speaker 1: a doormat if you are worried about the Like. What
Speaker 1: I'm saying is I could deliver. I would like to
Speaker 1: get married within five minutes of a first date in
Speaker 1: a confident way. That's a man would not think I
Speaker 1: was a psychopath. Another girl would be playing these twisty
Speaker 1: turney games, but like her energy is giving off that
Speaker 1: she is desperate, versus just like and staying in it.
Speaker 1: Like in other words, you could be like, I really
Speaker 1: want this and then the guy doesn't give it to you,
Speaker 1: and then you just stay I really want this other
Speaker 1: thing and then the guy doesn't give it to you.
Speaker 2: Just stay.
Speaker 1: You could be like, this is what I want. You
Speaker 1: have to have the courage to walk, is what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: You have to have the courage to walk from a
Speaker 1: business deal from the housewife. All the housewives used to
Speaker 1: go in and pretend to the house how to the
Speaker 1: to Bravo this. I can name five examples. They'd pretend
Speaker 1: they were leaving. It happens on Beverly Hills. Now, all
Speaker 1: the time these cast mates, I was gonna leave, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna lea If I threaten to leave, they were never
Speaker 1: gonna leave. They were their fifteen years. You were never
Speaker 1: gonna leave. I left twice, so everybody fucking knew that.
Speaker 1: I was always business. If I say it, it might
Speaker 1: actually happen, and then you get a little nervous and
Speaker 1: you know you're dealing with I remember four different housewives
Speaker 1: telling them they were going to leave, but then all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, the minute that the show started shooting,
Speaker 1: they would come and take less money. So they never
Speaker 1: had any bargaining power forever. And it's the same thing
Speaker 1: in dating. It's like say what you mean and mean
Speaker 1: what you say. If you say you need this in
Speaker 1: a relationship or for someone you're dating, and then you
Speaker 1: don't get it, you have to be willing to walk.
Speaker 3: It's the same thing of raising a child, like no
Speaker 3: means no. There needs to be consequences. It's you have
Speaker 3: to realize that if you if you say something to
Speaker 3: a guy and then there's no consequences and then you
Speaker 3: cave why, he's not gonna be motivated to do anything
Speaker 3: because he's gonna call bullshit. He doesn't care because he
Speaker 3: can do it and get away with it because you're
Speaker 3: enabling him to get away with.
Speaker 1: It one hundred percent. And you know what I do
Speaker 1: want to talk about with you. I don't know how
Speaker 1: long we're going to talk this. I want to talk
Speaker 1: about breakups. I think there's an art to a breakup,
Speaker 1: and I think I think breakups are very interesting things.
Speaker 1: I think that in the same way that when you
Speaker 1: get into a relationship, it's the oxytocin and serotonin. You
Speaker 1: get all excited and you think you're like in love
Speaker 1: with the person. They're effectively a stranger, as you've pointed out, Okay,
Speaker 1: I think when people break up with someone, they get
Speaker 1: all heated and panicked and they have this big gamification
Speaker 1: and strategy of it, and you can't cash the checks
Speaker 1: you're writing, so for example, you think, like you know
Speaker 1: this person isn't right for you, okay, because you're seeing red,
Speaker 1: but you never know if they could be right for
Speaker 1: you eventually, And it doesn't mean you're going to stay
Speaker 1: in like a zone where you're going to give them
Speaker 1: the milk without them buying the cow. But there are
Speaker 1: people that I've been in relationships with that I'm not
Speaker 1: sure that I don't have a future with. It just
Speaker 1: means that it wasn't right at that time. And I
Speaker 1: think that the only reason that there's a possibility for
Speaker 1: a future is the way that we've broken up. Just
Speaker 1: like a juice fast, you prepare for it, you do it.
Speaker 1: It's drastic, and the way you come off a juice
Speaker 1: fest is like with half the intensity that you were
Speaker 1: in it. You don't just drink vodka the day after
Speaker 1: you've been juice festing. And my opinion with breakups is
Speaker 1: they have to be very clear and direct. You have
Speaker 1: to stick to the program that you set out for yourself.
Speaker 1: But you should not be burning the house down even
Speaker 1: no matter what happened. No matter what happens, you should
Speaker 1: walk out gracefully, stick to what you've said you're going
Speaker 1: to do. If it means you go in cold turkey
Speaker 1: and you're not going to speak to them at all,
Speaker 1: or you could frame it in a way where it's loose,
Speaker 1: but just stick to your own boundaries of how you're
Speaker 1: going to communicate.
Speaker 3: Yes, I believe so much in an elegant ending that
Speaker 3: it makes it speaks everything to who you are as
Speaker 3: a person, like this is not when you spill private
Speaker 3: conversations and facts about that person. I think that again,
Speaker 3: it makes you look like such a class act in
Speaker 3: terms of taking the high road. Like you said, it
Speaker 3: might just be not the right time, and it could
Speaker 3: be the right person, or it could be someone that
Speaker 3: introduces somebody else how you treat that person. So I
Speaker 3: just feel like, not just for optics, but you'll feel
Speaker 3: so much better about yourself if you just don't go
Speaker 3: there and unravel and start being ugly as a person.
Speaker 1: No matter how you no matter how it ended to.
Speaker 1: I mean, even if the person cheated on you, literally,
Speaker 1: just you walk out the way you walked in, with
Speaker 1: class and with dignity. You never know what's going to happen.
Speaker 1: You never know if they're going to it's just no
Speaker 1: upside to trashing the joint even and the same thing
Speaker 1: in a business, Yeah, there's no upside to trashing the joint.
Speaker 1: And this is an interesting thing that I've found too.
Speaker 1: So with breakups, we get so black and white about
Speaker 1: it because we want the drug out of our system.
Speaker 1: You want to detoxify, and some people know if they
Speaker 1: can't handle any version of it. I have found with
Speaker 1: people that if I frame it, even if you don't
Speaker 1: end up talking to them at all, you may end
Speaker 1: up talking to them less. But if you frame it
Speaker 1: in your mind that you take the candy out of
Speaker 1: the house there's no candy in the house, you might
Speaker 1: be wondering, like, what if I had a piece of candy,
Speaker 1: I might want to drive to that store and get
Speaker 1: a piece of candy. If you frame it and discuss
Speaker 1: with the person, let's keep this positive. We never know.
Speaker 1: We could be friendly, even though that's not what you want,
Speaker 1: even though you don't want to be their friend. Maybe
Speaker 1: we could date, even though that's not what you want.
Speaker 1: It's just to keep the candy near you and you
Speaker 1: you won't even want to eat it, Just so it
Speaker 1: doesn't seem like such a thing with a person.
Speaker 2: Well, it's your ego.
Speaker 3: It's it's your ego that gets the way, because either
Speaker 3: if you're the one that's gotten broken up with, it's
Speaker 3: a it's a crush to your ego. If you're the
Speaker 3: one breaking up, it's a lot of anxiety because you
Speaker 3: know you're about to hurt someone. So there's like different feelings, but.
Speaker 1: It's more than that. I mean more than like, Let's
Speaker 1: say you were with someone for years and they were
Speaker 1: in your life every day and you think you can
Speaker 1: handle it, but like, you just want to be able
Speaker 1: to ask them something, not in a desperate way, not
Speaker 1: every day, but like casual, cute and casual five days
Speaker 1: after you broke up. You don't want it to be
Speaker 1: so drastic. So if you had something that, like let's
Speaker 1: say was something in business, something you had to tell them,
Speaker 1: something that you would want them to tell you, an
Speaker 1: idea that like something something about your kid that like
Speaker 1: could help you them get into school, something, keep it well,
Speaker 1: you got to let the wine breathe right.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 3: That's why I always say sometimes girlfriends could be your
Speaker 3: bust friend, but sometimes they could be your enemy because
Speaker 3: they're going to give you advice that they think is
Speaker 3: well served, but they'll say, don't ever talk to him again,
Speaker 3: and they'll angrily bash him and tell you and shame you.
Speaker 3: If you decide that you want to be friends with
Speaker 3: him and have a civil relationship. And I think that's
Speaker 3: the absolutely wrong advice. I completely believe with you in
Speaker 3: aligned that you never know how someone could be helpful
Speaker 3: to you, or just the peacefulness of knowing that there's
Speaker 3: not anger and that it doesn't have to be this dramatic.
Speaker 2: It could be Okay, we weren't.
Speaker 3: Right for each other, but let's save what was right
Speaker 3: and maybe there's a friendship, maybe there's connection.
Speaker 1: Or what if it's a month later you're feeling a
Speaker 1: little lonely, you just want to say something. It's Valentine's Day,
Speaker 1: you're alone. Maybe they're alone too, You're not going to
Speaker 1: be together, but they just say, yeah, I'm thinking of
Speaker 1: you too, hard like that could fill you up. It
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you're desper calling him every day, what are
Speaker 1: you doing stocking them? It just means you might need
Speaker 1: the methodome program. You might need to have the candy
Speaker 1: near you, and then knowing it's near you, you won't
Speaker 1: even want to eat it.
Speaker 2: That's what I think, absolutely right.
Speaker 3: I agree with that approach, and I also think that
Speaker 3: it shows mental health evolvement that you are mature enough
Speaker 3: to realize like, Okay, yeah, that sucks out. You really
Speaker 3: liked him, but fine, but I'm just going to be
Speaker 3: the class act and it will make him, It will
Speaker 3: make you look better.
Speaker 2: He might be like, what did I do? Like she's
Speaker 2: so lovely about it?
Speaker 1: And what I think too, I think it's jarring for
Speaker 1: someone to be healthy about it and also them thinking
Speaker 1: you can have a healthy relationship with Energetically, they'll know
Speaker 1: whether you care or not. It doesn't matter, That's what
Speaker 1: I'm saying too. Energetically the opposite sex or the same sex,
Speaker 1: the person knows whether you care or not. They can
Speaker 1: feel it. They could feel you pulling away, they could
Speaker 1: feel you leaning in, So it doesn't matter. Think about
Speaker 1: a person you don't give a shit about the text
Speaker 1: you You'll text them five times in a row because
Speaker 1: you don't give a shit.
Speaker 2: You're not overthinking it.
Speaker 1: People can smell and feel the game, and playing an
Speaker 1: intense game means you're gonna get a game player. You're
Speaker 1: gonna have a game You're not gonna be based some
Speaker 1: real reality with what's going on the two of you.
Speaker 3: And then unfortunately, you're gonna bring that nervous energy and
Speaker 3: the anxiety into the next relationship and you're not gonna trust,
Speaker 3: and then you're gonna you're not gonna lead with your
Speaker 3: warmth and your happiness and the interesting and interesting program.
Speaker 3: You're gonna lead with guarding and anger and undistrusting, and
Speaker 3: like literally being on a date will be an interrogation
Speaker 3: versus a playful, fun conversation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because you're operating from fear and not love.
Speaker 3: And then actually just that backfire is on yourself, so
Speaker 3: it's just harmful to yourself. It's it's also I always say,
Speaker 3: it's like putting poison into your head when you have
Speaker 3: negative thoughts. I always say, like, your brain is like
Speaker 3: precious real estate. You you don't want to go to
Speaker 3: bad places. You want to treat yourself. I'll say, if
Speaker 3: someone's saying something bad, I'm like, you just ate five
Speaker 3: cheeseburgers for McDonald's, Like why are you doing that to yourself?
Speaker 3: Like you wouldn't do that to yourself, but you're doing
Speaker 3: that with your thoughts, whether they're so toxics, so angry,
Speaker 3: it's the same thing.
Speaker 1: And that's back to Mel Robbins too, talking about we
Speaker 1: can we can control the amount of time we spend
Speaker 1: thinking about. What we can't control is toxic. So that's
Speaker 1: that's a good advice. That's a good note to end on.
Speaker 1: So let's all try to eliminate from our mental diet
Speaker 1: toxins and like poisonous thoughts. It's bad for us. It's
Speaker 1: in our body, whether it's yeah, whether it's towards someone
Speaker 1: else or towards ourself, it's still bad. Awesomeraze crazy.
Speaker 2: I know we could talk all day. Well, I love it.
Speaker 2: Thank you as always for heaving. I love you, thank you.
Speaker 2: We'll be talking so I love you so much.
Speaker 1: Best to be, got to look to be out there.