WEBVTT - Ep 240 - Put Your Money Mask On 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:03.400 Mandra, Do you know what I need? I need to 0:00:03.520 --> 0:00:06.120 walk in these streets in my BA swag. You know 0:00:06.160 --> 0:00:08.160 what I'm really looking forward to? First of all, be 0:00:08.240 --> 0:00:12.200 your own Brown Boost. What an awesome phrase. I cannot 0:00:12.200 --> 0:00:14.480 wait to wear that on my chest like Superman. What 0:00:14.560 --> 0:00:17.560 I'm really excited for, though, is I am a sweatshirt 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:21.120 and like hoodie girl. So the classic Brown Ambition logo 0:00:21.200 --> 0:00:23.520 sweatshirt has my name all over it. 0:00:23.760 --> 0:00:25.480 But where can I go? Where can I find it? 0:00:25.640 --> 0:00:29.240 I was hoping you would ask Young Tiffany. Tiffany, get 0:00:29.240 --> 0:00:33.480 your Brown Ambition swag at Brown Ambitionstore dot com. Five 0:00:33.560 --> 0:00:36.800 years in the game, we finally have merch for you guys. 0:00:36.880 --> 0:00:40.040 So get your Brown Ambition hoodie, your Brown Ambition crew 0:00:40.080 --> 0:00:43.200 neck tea, get a onesie for your littles. We got 0:00:43.240 --> 0:00:46.920 toddler teas. Oh my goodness, there's something for everyone. Be 0:00:47.000 --> 0:00:49.760 your own Brown Boost T shirt for sure. We have 0:00:49.960 --> 0:00:53.360 a Brown Ambition mug, which my family is most excited about. 0:00:54.240 --> 0:00:56.320 I had to do the fifteen out size for my 0:00:56.360 --> 0:00:59.360 big sister because she drinks coffee Like nobody's business. 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:02.280 Oh you know, I'm the budgetish to write any special offer. 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:05.680 Oh I'm also very glad you asked that question, Tiffany. Yes, 0:01:06.240 --> 0:01:10.440 with Brown Ambition fifteen. That's promo code Brown Ambition fifteen 0:01:10.600 --> 0:01:13.520 all one word, you can get fifteen percent off your 0:01:13.600 --> 0:01:15.720 order at Brown ambitionstore dot com. 0:01:16.040 --> 0:01:18.480 I can't wait to see y'all in these BA streets 0:01:18.959 --> 0:01:37.199 repping bapam with your BA swag. 0:01:38.200 --> 0:01:46.760 Hey, Hey we're back, We're black, We're Brown Ambition. 0:01:47.760 --> 0:01:51.040 Hey, Pandla, how are you? Hey? Tiff doing good hanging 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:53.120 in there? Eight more days? 0:01:54.280 --> 0:01:56.600 I know my math right for Wednesday. I don't know 0:01:56.640 --> 0:01:58.880 it's Monday, right now? Do the math very now? 0:01:59.120 --> 0:02:01.560 Six more days you're listening to this? Oh my god. 0:02:02.160 --> 0:02:05.600 No, I am not happy with Superman because I had 0:02:05.640 --> 0:02:08.320 my paper ballots. I ordered it ahead of time. I 0:02:08.400 --> 0:02:09.880 had it, and he decided he was going to quote 0:02:09.919 --> 0:02:12.160 unquote help me because I told myself I wasn't gonna 0:02:12.160 --> 0:02:14.000 put it in the envelope and lick it and whatever 0:02:14.160 --> 0:02:15.840 until I was really sure I did what I was 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:17.840 supposed to do because I didn't want to make any mistakes. 0:02:18.560 --> 0:02:21.000 So he had not feeled out his ballad, so he 0:02:21.040 --> 0:02:22.960 saw mine next to his and decided, I'm gonna help 0:02:23.000 --> 0:02:25.880 Tiphany out and put her ballad inside her envelope and 0:02:25.880 --> 0:02:27.639 lick it, and he. 0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:32.920 Why did they try to be helpful? No, honestly I was. 0:02:33.680 --> 0:02:35.880 I didn't know whether to laugh or scream. I was like, 0:02:35.919 --> 0:02:38.040 why did you watch you touch my ovelop? He's like, 0:02:38.080 --> 0:02:39.160 and then he was like he was all chill a 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:41.200 bat like, oh my babbabe, I thought i'd put your 0:02:41.200 --> 0:02:42.079 own ballot and an envelope. 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:44.120 I didn't. It's empty, but I lickd it so it's closed. 0:02:44.680 --> 0:02:48.560 Oh so there was nothing in it? He says, an 0:02:48.560 --> 0:02:49.320 empty ballot? 0:02:49.800 --> 0:02:53.200 Yes, And I said, sir, He's like, we could just 0:02:53.200 --> 0:02:55.560 get you another one. That's how that works. That side, 0:02:55.800 --> 0:02:59.040 that's not how So now I'm trying to see, like 0:02:59.080 --> 0:03:01.079 what early voting looks like Jersey, if there's a place 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:02.440 to go, or if I'm just gonna have to go 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:07.680 vote on election day? Yay dot com his ballot is? 0:03:08.080 --> 0:03:10.959 I mean, I said, why touch mine? Why not mess 0:03:11.040 --> 0:03:11.520 up yours? 0:03:12.440 --> 0:03:12.680 You know? 0:03:12.960 --> 0:03:17.440 So yeah, he's like, I mean, I I'm sorry. So 0:03:17.639 --> 0:03:19.360 I was just literally ragging him about it again this 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:21.239 morning because he did it like like a couple of 0:03:21.280 --> 0:03:21.679 days ago. 0:03:21.720 --> 0:03:23.119 But I mean, it is what it is. I mean, 0:03:23.200 --> 0:03:24.679 I'm going to vote I have to vote. 0:03:24.680 --> 0:03:27.240 It is not an option, but I just definitely was 0:03:27.360 --> 0:03:30.400 like excited that I could, you know, just like drop it. 0:03:30.440 --> 0:03:31.880 I wasn't even gonna drop it in the mailbox. I 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:33.680 was going to drop it in like the special voting 0:03:33.800 --> 0:03:36.240 you know boxes. Yea to be on the super safe side. 0:03:36.280 --> 0:03:38.320 So those dreams are shattered. 0:03:38.360 --> 0:03:41.120 So you know, he might have just cost you hours 0:03:41.120 --> 0:03:43.960 of your life because exactly, it took me four hours 0:03:43.960 --> 0:03:46.360 to vote early yesterday in my county. 0:03:46.680 --> 0:03:48.920 But you can go to iwill Vote dot com. Is 0:03:48.920 --> 0:03:49.960 it dot com or dot org? 0:03:49.960 --> 0:03:52.080 I think it's dot com and they have all the 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:55.400 information about voting early. I didn't realize this is a 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:57.240 new thing for New York. I'm in New York state, 0:03:57.280 --> 0:03:59.560 you're in Jersey. But in New York they this was 0:03:59.600 --> 0:04:01.360 like the first election I don't know about ever, but 0:04:01.400 --> 0:04:04.160 definitely not in twenty sixteen. You couldn't vote early. It 0:04:04.280 --> 0:04:07.000 just seems so basic, you know, giving us the option 0:04:07.040 --> 0:04:09.640 to vote a little bit early. But everybody and their 0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:11.920 mama went to vote this weekend, and there weren't that 0:04:11.960 --> 0:04:16.160 many locations to vote early. And I saw the line 0:04:16.520 --> 0:04:18.560 and I was like, may, okay, maybe two hours I 0:04:18.560 --> 0:04:21.200 had my little book and had some podcasts lined up. 0:04:21.560 --> 0:04:23.760 I went with all my broad ambition swag because I 0:04:23.800 --> 0:04:25.919 was like, this is like free advertising. They're all going 0:04:25.960 --> 0:04:27.040 to be sticking, you know how. 0:04:27.080 --> 0:04:29.839 You have nothing to do, but people watch, like even 0:04:29.839 --> 0:04:31.360 if they don't say anything, they're going to see our 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:32.520 logo anyway. 0:04:33.160 --> 0:04:36.440 So I was rocking my BA swag and four hours 0:04:36.560 --> 0:04:39.600 later I finally finally got to vote. 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:41.280 I hope it is not that long for you. I 0:04:41.320 --> 0:04:46.440 really do, yes, I mean, how may we'll see? I 0:04:47.320 --> 0:04:50.600 shall see, yeah, I mean I hopefully. 0:04:50.680 --> 0:04:52.880 I mean I've been I voted there for like the 0:04:52.960 --> 0:04:55.240 last like well two years or whatever, so it hasn't 0:04:55.240 --> 0:04:57.320 been crazy. The last time I voted, like in the 0:04:57.360 --> 0:05:00.719 midterm elections, it wasn't too too bad. I'm just hoping that, 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:02.760 you know, I'll go there super early and then you know, 0:05:02.800 --> 0:05:04.240 it is what it is. Either way I'm doing. There's 0:05:04.279 --> 0:05:06.600 no yep, it's no differens or bucks. And I think 0:05:06.640 --> 0:05:08.359 I'm actually going to drag him be like, oh no, 0:05:08.360 --> 0:05:09.800 you're standing with me. I know you would be paper 0:05:09.839 --> 0:05:11.240 valid You're coming. 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:12.880 That is too funny. 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:15.719 I posted on Insta in Twitter about the four hour 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:18.560 wait and the like The most common comment I got was, oh, 0:05:18.640 --> 0:05:21.320 the poor You know, people who are elderly, are disabled, 0:05:21.360 --> 0:05:23.279 they have to wait that longe can't believe that, Actually 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:25.839 they don't at least I mean, I think this is 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:28.360 pretty standard for all polling locations. But if you are 0:05:28.360 --> 0:05:31.360 disabled or you have an elderly relative, don't let them 0:05:31.400 --> 0:05:32.960 think that they have to stand up and wait, because 0:05:32.960 --> 0:05:35.000 I know that will dissuade a lot of elderly voters 0:05:35.000 --> 0:05:37.560 from going. You can easily skip the line and are 0:05:37.680 --> 0:05:40.520 pulling the location. They had a separate line for the elderly, 0:05:40.920 --> 0:05:45.280 disabled or even immuno suppressed. So if you have you know, diabetes, 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:49.000 a heart condition, asthma, some kind of respiratory you know problem, 0:05:49.440 --> 0:05:52.000 tell the poll workers that you have a condition and 0:05:52.560 --> 0:05:55.400 skip the line. Like do it, because I was just 0:05:55.440 --> 0:05:58.760 worried that my posting that it took four hours would potentially, 0:05:59.279 --> 0:06:02.280 you know, convince people maybe not to go because they 0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:04.839 don't have the time. And frankly, it's really fucked up 0:06:04.880 --> 0:06:06.400 that it took four hours because you know what, a 0:06:06.400 --> 0:06:08.359 lot of people don't have the time. They don't have 0:06:08.400 --> 0:06:10.479 a spouse to watch the baby, or they have to 0:06:10.520 --> 0:06:13.240 work or the you know, even the polling hours at 0:06:13.240 --> 0:06:15.440 the location I went to were short. They were like 0:06:15.520 --> 0:06:18.040 five hours, twelve to five. If you couldn't make it, 0:06:18.080 --> 0:06:21.000 Oh well, you know, and this is the way it is, 0:06:21.040 --> 0:06:23.440 and it sucks. These are signs of voter suppression. I 0:06:23.520 --> 0:06:26.560 just hope that. I hope that things get better. I 0:06:26.640 --> 0:06:29.040 just wanted to clarify that in case anyone was feeling 0:06:29.080 --> 0:06:30.960 like they did not want to spend all that time 0:06:31.000 --> 0:06:31.480 in line. 0:06:31.800 --> 0:06:34.880 Oh yeah, it's worth it, Like literally, it's so worth it. 0:06:35.880 --> 0:06:38.000 I mean, I've all, you know, elections always feel a 0:06:38.040 --> 0:06:41.320 little bit anxious, but obviously this is more anxious than 0:06:41.360 --> 0:06:42.800 anything any other elections. 0:06:43.040 --> 0:06:44.039 You know, It's so crazy. 0:06:44.279 --> 0:06:48.560 I've never seen this push for voting ever in my 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:53.080 I don't even know what. Twenty years or twenty something 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:55.760 years of being able to vote everywhere you turn, it's like. 0:06:55.720 --> 0:07:00.840 Okay, vote those who forget to vote. Now everywhere you 0:07:00.920 --> 0:07:03.120 I mean everywhere you go. 0:07:03.320 --> 0:07:05.359 You can't be on Instagram, you can't be on Facebook, 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:07.400 you can't be on stuff, you can't tick talk, you 0:07:07.440 --> 0:07:10.480 can't anything without it being like, so I vote it. 0:07:11.000 --> 0:07:13.240 So that I wish I could tell Mark Zuckerberg, I 0:07:13.240 --> 0:07:14.280 did it leave me alone? 0:07:14.320 --> 0:07:18.520 Now it's like pop ups. Yeah, oh my god, it's 0:07:18.600 --> 0:07:19.000 good though. 0:07:19.040 --> 0:07:22.080 I the it's you know, it did have this Like 0:07:22.360 --> 0:07:24.360 I was a little pissed because I got there early 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:26.800 and I waited four hours and it was about an out, 0:07:26.920 --> 0:07:28.960 like three hours into my four hour wait when like 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:32.120 the mister's the mister softy truck pulled up, and then 0:07:32.160 --> 0:07:34.320 the barbecue truck pulled up, and I was like, oh, 0:07:34.360 --> 0:07:36.360 now you're gonna have a party when I'm almost done. 0:07:36.640 --> 0:07:40.160 Like it was, it was pretty funny. People started playing music. 0:07:40.280 --> 0:07:42.840 It felt like it really. I mean, I'm a little 0:07:42.880 --> 0:07:45.760 uncomfortable talking to people at the polls because I don't I. 0:07:45.760 --> 0:07:46.440 Just don't want to. 0:07:47.400 --> 0:07:49.320 I take it seriously that you're not supposed to influence 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:51.680 or try to influence anyone before you go vote. It 0:07:51.800 --> 0:07:54.520 just to me, it's like a sacred process. I don't 0:07:54.560 --> 0:07:57.480 want and but people work pretty loudly, like and I 0:07:57.520 --> 0:08:01.120 come from a progressive county, so people were pretty you know, 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:05.400 bashing Trump blatantly in the line anyway, but it felt 0:08:05.560 --> 0:08:08.560 very like festive and that was nice. It's nice to 0:08:08.600 --> 0:08:12.360 see that people are doing it genuinely because they're excited 0:08:12.360 --> 0:08:16.000 to exercise their right to vote. Yes, it's the It's 0:08:16.000 --> 0:08:17.080 the biggest thing you can do. 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:19.200 It is the biggest thing you can do right now. 0:08:19.200 --> 0:08:21.240 I mean, and just at the end of the day, 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:24.640 you know, oh what. 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:27.720 I just realized the next time we're well, no, we're 0:08:27.720 --> 0:08:29.760 going to record before election day? Okay, how are we 0:08:29.800 --> 0:08:31.880 going to do that. We're gonna We're going to be 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:38.080 recording in a different world than I know the Wednesday after. Okay, 0:08:38.679 --> 0:08:41.280 we'll figure it out on Monday. 0:08:41.480 --> 0:08:44.160 My heart just felt like, am I gonna talk to 0:08:44.160 --> 0:08:45.000 you before what? 0:08:45.080 --> 0:08:45.600 I know? 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:47.240 I know it is going to be like. 0:08:51.920 --> 0:08:55.080 Listen, I need some serious I had to call my 0:08:55.080 --> 0:08:57.360 my my shrink do they call them shrinks whatever, call 0:08:57.400 --> 0:09:00.000 my therapist, and I was like, the stress dreams are returned. 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:03.880 Learning my anxiety is like it's creeping back up there 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:05.200 all because of this damn election. 0:09:05.960 --> 0:09:10.760 It's just the anticipation. Yeah, yeah, I've just been so. 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:16.880 Busy and it's just been like definitely stuff on the 0:09:17.160 --> 0:09:19.400 Budgetissa's front has definitely like ticked up. So it's just 0:09:19.440 --> 0:09:23.320 been like overwhelming, overwhelming, over I actually had I was like, 0:09:23.400 --> 0:09:25.880 is this a panic attack? And I actually called my 0:09:25.920 --> 0:09:28.800 friend a Vida and I saw her. She had posted 0:09:28.840 --> 0:09:30.880 on her Instagram. They're like, Oh, I'm in the most 0:09:30.880 --> 0:09:33.319 beautiful place in the world, Vita, and she's opened about it, 0:09:33.360 --> 0:09:35.240 so I can share a Vita is the founder of 0:09:35.280 --> 0:09:37.839 No Madness, which is a black travel movement, and she's 0:09:37.880 --> 0:09:41.400 amazing and so, but she's opened about her therapy and 0:09:41.440 --> 0:09:43.680 then her bouts with anxiety. And I saw that she 0:09:43.760 --> 0:09:47.960 was in Bermuda scouting out locations for their next conference 0:09:48.000 --> 0:09:50.839 in like a year or so, and she was sharing 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:53.240 that how even though she's in this beautiful place, that 0:09:53.480 --> 0:09:55.920 she had in an anxiety attack. So it made me 0:09:55.960 --> 0:09:58.600 reach out to her and I was like, I think 0:09:58.840 --> 0:10:00.800 that's what. I don't know if it was an anxiety attack 0:10:00.880 --> 0:10:05.719 or I was just feeling anxious. I felt so overwhelmed 0:10:05.920 --> 0:10:08.160 and then like really teary. I just kept like bursting 0:10:08.200 --> 0:10:09.000 into tears, and I'm like. 0:10:09.000 --> 0:10:11.720 What's going on to me? Because it was, I mean, 0:10:11.760 --> 0:10:13.080 nothing bad. 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:15.200 I mean aside from you know, the world was on fire, 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:17.480 but I'm talking about as far as internally it was happening. 0:10:18.080 --> 0:10:21.040 Like it's not like anyone is sick. If anything, I've 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:22.880 actually felt you know what it felt like. I felt 0:10:22.920 --> 0:10:25.520 like I told somebody that I really like kittens, and 0:10:25.559 --> 0:10:29.880 then they gave me thirty in that case, yes, like 0:10:30.240 --> 0:10:33.360 you know, it just felt so over like it's a 0:10:33.400 --> 0:10:36.800 good thing, but I don't I don't know that I 0:10:36.800 --> 0:10:38.000 can manage all these good things. 0:10:38.000 --> 0:10:39.760 It's just too much. It's and I don't want to 0:10:39.800 --> 0:10:40.520 even say too much. 0:10:40.520 --> 0:10:42.520 And then if I'm not being grateful, I just so 0:10:42.559 --> 0:10:43.920 I just it was like every ten minutes, I feel 0:10:43.960 --> 0:10:44.960 like I was bursting into tears. 0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:47.319 I'm like, it's pretty I think this is anxiety. 0:10:49.679 --> 0:10:52.480 I called the beat it and she said, well, how 0:10:52.520 --> 0:10:54.160 do you know if you're I told her, I think 0:10:54.200 --> 0:10:56.560 I'm having an anxiety attack, and she's like, well, what 0:10:56.640 --> 0:10:58.160 makes you think that, I said, because I'm crying right now. 0:10:58.200 --> 0:11:01.880 I'm crying right now. What we're talking. It's just like, oh, okay, 0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:06.760 so yeah, I mean so, And I realized it was 0:11:06.960 --> 0:11:07.240 just me. 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:10.560 It was not just but it was definitely feeling overwhelmed 0:11:10.559 --> 0:11:12.920 because as I started to take things off my plate, 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:14.640 like there are some things that were upcoming that would 0:11:14.640 --> 0:11:17.360 do so as I started to complete those things, I 0:11:17.400 --> 0:11:21.680 felt like with each thing done, I felt better. And 0:11:21.760 --> 0:11:24.280 it's just like a reminder to me to like take 0:11:24.320 --> 0:11:27.360 a moment or to learn the stagger thing, because like 0:11:27.400 --> 0:11:29.280 I said, it was good things, but it was just 0:11:29.480 --> 0:11:34.080 so many things that I couldn't even I mean there's 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:36.280 only like I love chocolate cookies, but there's only so 0:11:36.360 --> 0:11:37.960 much you can eat before you make yourself sick. And 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:40.760 I felt like, Okay, I'm on cookie number five and 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:43.520 I think I'm feeling ill. And so yeah, so I 0:11:43.520 --> 0:11:47.360 don't know, do you You've shared you've gotten anxiety attacks before, right. 0:11:47.280 --> 0:11:50.600 Oh, I mean I've always been I've coped with anxiety 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:52.360 in my whole life. Like I remember being a little 0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:55.600 kid and not being able to sleep, and as an adult, 0:11:55.640 --> 0:11:57.720 I can recognize, oh, I was a super anxious child. 0:11:57.800 --> 0:12:00.200 I was always like if my mom and I had 0:12:00.200 --> 0:12:01.679 a fight and she went to the grocery store, I'd 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:03.160 be like, oh, she may never come back, and I 0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:05.520 would just, you know, stay up all night waiting. Anyway, 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:07.920 as an adult, I've coped with it pretty well. But 0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:11.200 when I had my baby, oh yeah, it was really 0:12:11.240 --> 0:12:11.880 really difficult. 0:12:11.960 --> 0:12:14.000 So I think I've been transparent too. 0:12:14.080 --> 0:12:17.280 I had already been in therapy before I had the baby, 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:18.800 because I kind of felt like I might need to 0:12:18.840 --> 0:12:21.240 get myself situated and I'm so grateful that I did. 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:24.679 And then even therapy wasn't enough, and then around I 0:12:24.720 --> 0:12:26.400 don't know, early in the year, I started taking an 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:30.679 anti anxiety medication that's been very helpful to me. But 0:12:30.800 --> 0:12:34.440 even that, like lately, you know, it's not a silver bullet. 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:37.280 And I continue to go to therapy weekly, and I 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:39.720 also have a psychiatrist that I check in with about monthly. 0:12:40.120 --> 0:12:41.680 And she was the one I had talked to last 0:12:41.679 --> 0:12:44.080 week because I was like, listen, I'm not sleeping anymore. 0:12:44.080 --> 0:12:47.440 I'm having the same nightmares. I'm waking up sweating, you know, 0:12:47.520 --> 0:12:51.040 I feel like I feel like I'm going back the 0:12:51.080 --> 0:12:54.240 wrong way. And her first question was, you know, how 0:12:54.320 --> 0:12:58.080 much time do you take for self care? And I said, well, 0:12:58.120 --> 0:13:00.480 you know, I do things for myself. I'll go to 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:03.880 the grocery store or ride the peloton. And she's like, so, 0:13:04.120 --> 0:13:07.640 but what about like for you, you know, where's your quiet time, 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:10.679 where's your time for yourself? And I say, and I 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:14.560 don't know. I've felt a little defensive because I want 0:13:14.600 --> 0:13:16.600 to have figured it out, Like I want to be 0:13:16.720 --> 0:13:19.840 the person who, eight nine months into quarantine has like 0:13:19.880 --> 0:13:22.040 figured out the balance, but I just haven't you know, 0:13:22.120 --> 0:13:25.000 I just there isn't time for myself. The little time 0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:26.720 that I do have, I try to squeeze in some 0:13:26.800 --> 0:13:28.440 thing so I can feel productive. 0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:30.280 Anyway. 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:32.280 All that is to say, I'm still on my journey 0:13:32.320 --> 0:13:35.960 with anxiety. And while she did, we didn't change my 0:13:36.160 --> 0:13:39.040 anti anxiety medication. But I am going to start going 0:13:39.080 --> 0:13:42.760 back on this little, uh, just a small dose of 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:45.000 something to help me sleep at night while I need 0:13:45.040 --> 0:13:46.960 it because I can't function when I don't sleep, Like 0:13:46.960 --> 0:13:50.319 it's bad for everybody. But I also recently, in the 0:13:50.400 --> 0:13:53.280 past two weeks, have started to do a sleep meditation 0:13:53.360 --> 0:13:53.719 at night. 0:13:53.760 --> 0:13:56.520 I have an app. It's actually for me too, me 0:13:56.559 --> 0:13:58.199 too as calm. Do you do Calm? 0:13:58.480 --> 0:14:01.680 I don't do Calm because I I realize Peloton offers 0:14:01.760 --> 0:14:05.600 all these different meditations, so and I already pay for it. 0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:08.760 So although calm is not that expensive, what is it? Like? 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:11.120 I almost got calm early in the in the pandemic. 0:14:11.120 --> 0:14:14.120 It was like what sixty bucks, yeah or something like that, 0:14:14.800 --> 0:14:17.160 which was like a story time at night. I know, 0:14:17.480 --> 0:14:19.840 I did like a trial and I think Matthew McConaughey 0:14:19.880 --> 0:14:21.320 read me a story and I was like, I can't 0:14:21.360 --> 0:14:26.960 sleep to this shit, but okay, but the peloton app 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:29.200 or any meditation, I was shocked that it. 0:14:29.720 --> 0:14:32.200 I was like, what spell has she this woman put 0:14:32.240 --> 0:14:34.480 on me? Because I would just drop off to sleep 0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:38.200 within fifteen minutes. It doesn't stop me from like waking 0:14:38.280 --> 0:14:41.120 up with the like sweats and stuff, but it helps 0:14:41.160 --> 0:14:44.240 me get to sleep. So meditation kind of sort of 0:14:44.400 --> 0:14:44.840 is working. 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:48.400 But listen, I don't have any particular answers, but I 0:14:48.400 --> 0:14:51.840 do completely know exactly what that feels like. And I'm 0:14:51.880 --> 0:14:54.280 sorry that you're going through that. I really am. 0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:58.120 Yeah, I feel much much, much, much much better now 0:14:58.160 --> 0:15:02.440 because a lot of the thing that were so overwhelming 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:05.520 I've done. I've checked it off the list, but I'm 0:15:05.560 --> 0:15:07.080 just like, I don't want to go back there, so 0:15:07.400 --> 0:15:10.520 do I make sure I don't like? And it's hard 0:15:10.520 --> 0:15:13.640 because it's like, honestly, it's nothing. It'd be one thing 0:15:13.640 --> 0:15:15.360 if it was like, oh gosh, I have to do 0:15:15.400 --> 0:15:17.720 this thing I hate. It's like, oh my gosh, that's 0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:21.280 an amazing opportunity. Oh my god, that's another man hold on. 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:24.760 And then it's like what am I gonna sleep? What 0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:25.680 am I gonna hang out with? 0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:26.000 Jarel? 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:29.440 So it's more so bad I like it until like 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:31.320 when me and Jerrell first got like when we actually 0:15:31.400 --> 0:15:33.440 were like standing up to get married. I remember I 0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:35.800 thought I was going to throw up. I wanted to 0:15:35.840 --> 0:15:39.040 like run away because I was. You know, the feeling 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:40.680 I felt, and I feel kind of now, is that 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:45.400 there is a huge transition happening, and I'm kind of 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:47.640 afraid of it, even though I know it's a good thing. 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:49.840 Like I knew I wanted to marry you, I said, dull, 0:15:49.920 --> 0:15:52.520 but whatever you I'll be nosy anyway, Superman, I knew. 0:15:52.320 --> 0:15:55.320 I wanted to marry Superman, and I did. 0:15:55.400 --> 0:15:57.040 I mean, we've been dating for a number of years, 0:15:57.360 --> 0:16:02.480 but I also knew, okay, we're getting married. We're stepping 0:16:02.520 --> 0:16:04.520 from one place to the next. It's like the difference 0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:06.440 between going from sixth grade to seventh grade, So what 0:16:06.520 --> 0:16:08.680 still in middle school, but you go from eighth grade 0:16:08.720 --> 0:16:10.840 to ninth grade still a year, but now you're in 0:16:10.960 --> 0:16:14.000 high school. And that's what I've been feeling, like that 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:17.920 the things that are happening are a clear signal that 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:20.640 I am no longer where I was before, where it 0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:24.480 was so comfy, And so I know that it's a 0:16:24.520 --> 0:16:26.720 good thing because it means that I'm taking what we're 0:16:26.760 --> 0:16:29.000 doing to the next level. But it's also a new place, 0:16:29.040 --> 0:16:31.120 so I'm a little nervous because I'm like, well, I've 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:32.200 never been here before. 0:16:32.520 --> 0:16:34.680 I just gotten really comfortable where we were before. So 0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:35.560 it's more so that. 0:16:37.240 --> 0:16:39.720 Yeah, but I mean, I don't know, I'm saying, you're 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:42.360 We haven't talked about your coach in a while. 0:16:43.240 --> 0:16:45.360 Oh, yes, I decided to bring him on for a year. 0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:48.320 M M okay, what do they have to say about it? 0:16:48.360 --> 0:16:53.680 I forget if it's a hero he he I didn't 0:16:53.720 --> 0:16:57.080 even because so we we it's been like a month 0:16:57.080 --> 0:16:58.720 and a half, so we're actually like working out like 0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:01.920 the contract. So but I'm bringing him on for a year. 0:17:01.920 --> 0:17:03.760 We haven't had this. 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:06.359 We talked about it a little bit, and he definitely 0:17:06.400 --> 0:17:07.920 tells me that like I hold back too much like 0:17:07.960 --> 0:17:10.080 so many women, and that like I need to like 0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:13.520 step into my dopeness. He's like, it's okay, tifany to 0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:15.840 say you're this shit. Sometimes I'm like, ah, don't say that. 0:17:15.960 --> 0:17:17.720 I'm nice, Like it's kind. 0:17:18.440 --> 0:17:20.000 So that's part is really hard. 0:17:20.920 --> 0:17:23.159 But so that's those were conversations we used to have earlier, 0:17:23.160 --> 0:17:25.320 so we have not so it was a three month contract, 0:17:25.400 --> 0:17:27.320 but it was it went so well, I said, let's 0:17:27.359 --> 0:17:29.639 do it for a year. But like, there's there's components 0:17:29.640 --> 0:17:31.680 to work out. So although we've had kind of like 0:17:31.760 --> 0:17:34.120 light conversations, we're waiting to like sign before we start 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:36.119 back up again. What I like, it's not just me 0:17:36.240 --> 0:17:40.880 coaching with him, it's also him his team also integrates 0:17:40.880 --> 0:17:42.040 into my team, just like before. 0:17:42.040 --> 0:17:44.199 So I'm excited about what that looks like. 0:17:45.600 --> 0:17:48.159 But yeah, so, like I said, it's just it's just 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:51.000 I'm I was a kid in school that sometimes got 0:17:51.040 --> 0:17:54.120 bees on purpose because a's brought too much attention, oh 0:17:54.880 --> 0:17:57.800 you know what I mean. And not attention meaning like 0:17:57.800 --> 0:17:59.600 from the teacher, but too much I won't, you know, 0:17:59.600 --> 0:18:00.000 the wrong way. 0:18:00.200 --> 0:18:03.679 Attention. Expectation, Yeah, expectation, yes. 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:05.680 Because I remember when I got straight a's for the 0:18:05.720 --> 0:18:08.520 first time. My dad was like, hey, so you can 0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:11.960 get it. I don't want anything else, And I was like, 0:18:12.040 --> 0:18:13.120