Speaker 1: Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to wob and you
Speaker 1: need to hear this. Sometimes we do not speak up,
Speaker 1: especially when people are difficult. Right. We all have those folks,
Speaker 1: those friends, those family members, sometimes a coworker or the
Speaker 1: boss where we will hold things in because of how
Speaker 1: they presented in the past, how we know that they
Speaker 1: respond to other people, or even them telling us because
Speaker 1: I go off you know, so it's like, well, I
Speaker 1: don't want you to go off on me. So sometimes
Speaker 1: when we have something really important to say, we really
Speaker 1: need to correct something, we have a need we need
Speaker 1: to express, we don't do it because we're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I know this is going to go bad. I know
Speaker 1: this person will not receive this. They will be defensive. However,
Speaker 1: knowing that the person may not like what you have
Speaker 1: have to hear, you still need to say it because
Speaker 1: when you don't say it, the only thing you're doing
Speaker 1: is prolonging these really big issues. It's not like they
Speaker 1: change or they have this moment if you know what
Speaker 1: I've been noticing, how I've done X. No, that doesn't happen.
Speaker 1: What happens is you continue to experience more of the
Speaker 1: behavior you don't want in a relationship. So confronting people
Speaker 1: is really a step towards caring for the relationship, giving
Speaker 1: the relationship an opportunity to flourish. Because these things have
Speaker 1: been brought up, and I know with difficult people it
Speaker 1: doesn't always flourish. There is some big, huge impact, some implosion,
Speaker 1: and you know, maybe it breaks apart for a bit,
Speaker 1: but hopefully there is space for repair. In this week's call,
Speaker 1: we will be talking to someone who confronted a difficult
Speaker 1: family member and it went exactly as she thought it would,
Speaker 1: very poorly, and she is dealing with the faw out
Speaker 1: of that confrontation. When I hear people say I hate confrontation,
Speaker 1: I'm so afraid of confrontation. I don't like conflict, I think,
Speaker 1: who does? I know? We think some people like to argue,
Speaker 1: But do they like to argue or do they want
Speaker 1: to be heard? I don't know if there are these,
Speaker 1: you know, situations where it's like, I just love to
Speaker 1: be in conflict with people. You know, sometimes even those
Speaker 1: people who are you know, moving towards conflict, they're moving
Speaker 1: towards being heard. They're not moving towards conflict. They may
Speaker 1: be wanting people to agree with them. So when we
Speaker 1: think about conflict, it is this thing that many of
Speaker 1: us don't want to have. We don't want to have
Speaker 1: these difficult conversations. We don't want to bring up these
Speaker 1: big issues, and yet it is very necessary. The longer
Speaker 1: we sit on them, the more intensity they gained. So
Speaker 1: over time, you know, an issue is small, it's like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this person, you know they were late.
Speaker 1: After they're late ten times, your feedback comes out as anger,
Speaker 1: it comes out as aggression. It's like every time I
Speaker 1: see you, you're so late. I can't when that first
Speaker 1: time it could have just been like, hey, you weren't
Speaker 1: on time today. So think about that as you are
Speaker 1: moving in your relationships and you're just like letting stuff go,
Speaker 1: sweeping it under a rug, not paying attention to things,
Speaker 1: or trying to be passive about things that it's actually
Speaker 1: just building building building building, And it may get to
Speaker 1: a point where there is an aggressive outflow of information
Speaker 1: of offenses of things because you've set with this stuff
Speaker 1: for far too long. Let's get into today's letter, because
Speaker 1: I will tell you it is a four page letter.
Speaker 1: One of my favorite songs is you know Aliah's four
Speaker 1: page letter of course that's like a love song. This
Speaker 1: is a four page letter, and you know it is
Speaker 1: about love. It is about the love of our family,
Speaker 1: but also accepting what he is. Let's get into this letter.
Speaker 2: Hi there, I'm having a complicated family estrangement issue that
Speaker 2: has left me completely depressed, drained, and lost. I've had
Speaker 2: issues here and there over the years of my family,
Speaker 2: but this time around things really moved into the realm
Speaker 2: of not speaking. I contributed to this decision in some sense,
Speaker 2: but it also just happened to go this way, and
Speaker 2: my family has not put any effort into fixing this
Speaker 2: issue either. Everything is extremely complicated for me as my
Speaker 2: aunt and grandpa are my only two living family members
Speaker 2: that I have besides my husband and kiddos. It's hard
Speaker 2: for me to think of cutting them off completely. My mom, dad,
Speaker 2: and grandm I'm whom I was extremely close with, all
Speaker 2: passed away by the time I was twenty three. I
Speaker 2: loved them dearly. Their deaths have completely changed the family dynamics.
Speaker 2: They were my biggest cheerleaders and support system, and I
Speaker 2: sometimes feel so much sadness to have been left with
Speaker 2: family that I've never been that close with. In the
Speaker 2: grand scheme of things. I'm hoping you can help me
Speaker 2: process this and shed some light as to what is
Speaker 2: the next best thing for me. I'm also hoping you
Speaker 2: can shed some light about my family, because I just
Speaker 2: don't understand how they could be this cold to me.
Speaker 2: A few months back, my daughters, who are four and six,
Speaker 2: were supposed to spend the night with my aunt as
Speaker 2: summer was just starting and my aunt had opened their
Speaker 2: inground pool. When it was time to drop my daughters
Speaker 2: off that evening, we went over and I instantly could
Speaker 2: tell that my aunt had been drinking and was actually
Speaker 2: quite intoxicated. Instantly in my body, I felt an overwhelming
Speaker 2: sense of dread because I knew that I couldn't leave
Speaker 2: my daughters there with an intoxicated person, especially with the
Speaker 2: pool being open and then planning on swimming. Once I left,
Speaker 2: my body instantly felt dread because I knew this night
Speaker 2: was going to get out of hand because my aunt
Speaker 2: can't ever accept any sort of criticism or anything that
Speaker 2: goes against her in any way. I asked if she
Speaker 2: had been drinking, and in a slur, she answered, well, yes,
Speaker 2: I've had a few drinks. She had then walked away
Speaker 2: because some of her friends were heading out and she
Speaker 2: was seeing them off. At that point, she falls over
Speaker 2: trying to get her cover up on. And I'm just
Speaker 2: watching this unfold, knowing that my relationship with my aunt
Speaker 2: and the rest of my family, my grandpa, aunt's husband,
Speaker 2: and her daughter, is going to drastically suffer because I
Speaker 2: was ultimately deciding that my girls were not in a
Speaker 2: safe environment for me to leave them. I'm very submissive
Speaker 2: with my family, as I try to avoid conflict as
Speaker 2: much as possible, especially with them, because I know they
Speaker 2: don't react well to things like this. I value their
Speaker 2: relationship so much that over the years I would not
Speaker 2: dare even say what is on my mind because I
Speaker 2: would fear losing my family or being looked at as
Speaker 2: the block sheep. I eventually approached my aunt, though, and
Speaker 2: told her I'd be taking the girls with me, but
Speaker 2: that I could bring them to the movie theater tomorrow,
Speaker 2: as they had already pre purchased tickets to go to
Speaker 2: the movies the next day. I explained it in such
Speaker 2: a non threatening way, and I was just hoping she
Speaker 2: could see where I was coming from. I just was
Speaker 2: not comfortable with leaving my children that night. I was
Speaker 2: met with confrontation and basically her telling me to do
Speaker 2: whatever the f I needed to do in a very
Speaker 2: nasty tone and demeanor. On our way out, the door
Speaker 2: slammed behind us, and I could hear yelling as we
Speaker 2: left for the car from inside the house.
Speaker 1: Wow. You know, the glue in my family of origin
Speaker 1: was my grandmother, And I remember after my grandmother passed,
Speaker 1: holidays looked a lot different.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: My grandmother would pull everybody together, all of the grandchildren,
Speaker 1: all of her children, their partners. I meant everybody be together,
Speaker 1: and you know, after her passing, it was very scattered.
Speaker 1: We struggled to figure out what that new normal look like.
Speaker 1: And you know, I don't think we ever got to
Speaker 1: a new normal because there are some people in the
Speaker 1: family who really know how to keep relationships going, how
Speaker 1: to embrace the connection within the family, and also how
Speaker 1: to minimize some of the conflicts. So it sounds like
Speaker 1: you lost some elders who really had some good skills
Speaker 1: for keeping the family together. And I think that happens sometimes,
Speaker 1: and you know, it's really unfortunate when you start to
Speaker 1: see that shifting your family and there is this struggling
Speaker 1: to figure out like, who's going to keep it going?
Speaker 1: We can assume that because there are elders in the family,
Speaker 1: that they will be the person to keep it going.
Speaker 1: Whether it's your grandfather or your aunt. You're like, the
Speaker 1: should be passed to them. And sometimes those people aren't
Speaker 1: in a position to carry that torch, or they don't
Speaker 1: want to. They may not have the level of desire
Speaker 1: or training that those other elders had, and so things
Speaker 1: will be different. I think it's so wonderful that you
Speaker 1: protected your children despite the conflict that you knew would
Speaker 1: occur by doing so. How courageous to say they cannot
Speaker 1: stay here?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: The first thing I thought of was the swimming pool.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, intoxicated adult supervising kids in
Speaker 1: a pool. I don't like it. It seems very scary.
Speaker 1: I think sometimes with kids, we have to make those
Speaker 1: tough decisions despite who it might harm. Protecting your kids
Speaker 1: is a huge part of being a parent, and in
Speaker 1: many and instances, because we are trying to people please,
Speaker 1: we will put our kids in situations that's very uncomfortable
Speaker 1: and sometimes dangerous for them. So kudos to you for
Speaker 1: saying not today, this will not happen. This is unsafe.
Speaker 1: I am not comfortable. I will be taking my kids home.
Speaker 1: You prioritize safety over people pleasing with your aunt and
Speaker 1: her criticism and her inability to accept it. You may
Speaker 1: have to accept that even though this person doesn't like it.
Speaker 1: You may still need to be honest. You know, when
Speaker 1: we're in a work environment and you're the superior of
Speaker 1: someone who doesn't like feedback, it doesn't mean that you
Speaker 1: don't give them feedback. You don't be honest during their
Speaker 1: annual review. You let them know, hey, these are the things,
Speaker 1: this is what you need to work on, because if not,
Speaker 1: they'll continue to do things incorrectly. They'll continue to impact
Speaker 1: business or workflow. It's the same way in our other relationships.
Speaker 1: We can't withhold that information because it's actually problematic. So
Speaker 1: I'm trying to protect you, but I'm protecting you from
Speaker 1: something that you actually need to hear. And a person
Speaker 1: doesn't have to like what's being said. You may fear
Speaker 1: confrontation because you're trying to get the person to like
Speaker 1: what you're saying or what you're doing. In a relationship,
Speaker 1: I can't say anything because they don't like it. Well,
Speaker 1: you still need to say it, even if they don't
Speaker 1: like it. It's a very important thing that needs to
Speaker 1: be said. Remember this, people who are easily offended will
Speaker 1: be easily offended. So if your aunt, your friend, you're whoever,
Speaker 1: has an issue where they get like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: I can't believe this person's said anything to me, anything
Speaker 1: that is said to them, they will have that same response.
Speaker 1: It's not you, as not other people, it is them.
Speaker 1: What is typically happening is the other people in their life.
Speaker 1: They're not speaking up. I certainly know people who have
Speaker 1: the same relationship issues with many people, and the ones
Speaker 1: that they're able to maintain is because people aren't being
Speaker 1: honest with them. People aren't saying what the issue is
Speaker 1: because they want to stay in a relationship, and so
Speaker 1: they've made an agreement that I won't say anything because
Speaker 1: this person can't handle the truth. But in the situation
Speaker 1: of someone being intoxicated and caring for your kids, that
Speaker 1: is a time to speak up. I'm always fascinated by
Speaker 1: the word black sheep and the meaning we attached to it.
Speaker 1: What does it mean? What does it mean to us
Speaker 1: when we say it? You know, it's it's like a
Speaker 1: very isolating term, I am the black sheep of sheep.
Speaker 1: Everybody's tan and I'm black, and I'm over here, and
Speaker 1: I'm just you know, off by myself. What I think
Speaker 1: of as the black sheep is the person who is
Speaker 1: willing to speak up, the person who highlights stuff. If
Speaker 1: there are some issues in the family and you come
Speaker 1: over and you're like, hey, you're intoxicated, and everybody else
Speaker 1: is sitting there sort of ignoring it, is that a
Speaker 1: bad thing? When someone needs to be protected, such as children,
Speaker 1: Is it a bad thing to say, Hey, this person
Speaker 1: can't come to the family gathering because they've harmed you know,
Speaker 1: maybe children in the family, or this person is you know, abusive,
Speaker 1: or whatever is happening in the family. Sometimes, you know,
Speaker 1: I think we need to speak up. And if the
Speaker 1: result of speaking up is isolation, how do we get
Speaker 1: better at allowing people to issue us consequences? Because that's
Speaker 1: what I'm hearing. The consequence of you speaking up, although
Speaker 1: is harsh, the consequence is disconnection. I don't want to
Speaker 1: be connected to you if you can't ignore these terrible
Speaker 1: things that I'm doing. Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2: The next morning, I had sent my aunt a long
Speaker 2: text message explaining that I was sorry things had to
Speaker 2: play out that way the previous evening, and that I
Speaker 2: value her and our relationship and just hope she could
Speaker 2: understand where I was coming from as a mother. I
Speaker 2: basically swept her poor behavior under the rug because I
Speaker 2: thought if I didn't, there would surely be consequences for
Speaker 2: my actions. What I was actually worried about ended up
Speaker 2: happening regardless of me sweeping her actions under the rug.
Speaker 2: My aunt completely removed us from the family in many ways.
Speaker 2: I was told to have the girls at the movie
Speaker 2: theater by eleven and that the only thing she has
Speaker 2: to say is you're their mom, moving on, no hard feelings,
Speaker 2: Love you too. Then she had me pick the girls
Speaker 2: up after the movie, and that's the last time we
Speaker 2: saw my aunt. Since then, I stopped hearing from my
Speaker 2: family minus a few texts. My grandfather and her are
Speaker 2: very close, and I figured i'd completely stop hearing from
Speaker 2: him as well. I'm not sure what she ever told
Speaker 2: him about the night she was drunk and tried to
Speaker 2: keep my girls, but I can only imagine her playing
Speaker 2: it in her favor, and that I am the villain
Speaker 2: in all of this.
Speaker 1: What's sticking out for me is what I was actually
Speaker 1: worried about ended up happening regardless of me sweeping her
Speaker 1: actions under the rug. Isn't that interesting that you're trying
Speaker 1: to protect the person who is harming everyone else, and
Speaker 1: even in your protection, there is no protection for you.
Speaker 1: Sweeping things under the rug leaves you with a very
Speaker 1: dirty floor. It is not a fixer. It doesn't do anything.
Speaker 1: The dirt is still there, you know. I think of
Speaker 1: when we pick our rugs up and we shake them out.
Speaker 1: I picked some rugs up in my house, particularly like
Speaker 1: a doormat, to shake it out, and it's so dirty.
Speaker 1: I have to throw it away. It's just trash. Now.
Speaker 1: I haven't tended to it enough. I've ignored it for
Speaker 1: so long that I can't even keep it. I can't
Speaker 1: even keep it anymore. It just needs to go. I
Speaker 1: can't wash it, I can't sweep it. There is so
Speaker 1: much dirt in this rug. I'm just shaking, shake and
Speaker 1: shake and shake and shaking, and there's more dirt. I
Speaker 1: hear that. There has been so many things under this rug.
Speaker 1: And now as you're talking about these things, it's coming up.
Speaker 1: It's coming out. And when it comes up and comes out.
Speaker 1: It's like a laundry list of things. It's you know,
Speaker 1: and this and that and this and that, and then
Speaker 1: you know ten years ago and in this year, and
Speaker 1: it's just all of life, this stuff. Okay, let's keep listening.
Speaker 2: The next time I heard from my aunt was a
Speaker 2: few days before the fourth of July, when she invited
Speaker 2: us to her Fourth of July party. I declined, as
Speaker 2: we were just getting back from a camping trip, but
Speaker 2: also because I felt the only reason we were being
Speaker 2: invited was for show. Because every one of her friends
Speaker 2: and our family friends were being invited to her Fourth
Speaker 2: of July party, it would be easier to invite us
Speaker 2: than not, especially for when people would ask where we were.
Speaker 2: I know that my family has gotten together numerous times
Speaker 2: without a single invite to us. When I finally did
Speaker 2: talk with my grandfather, it was small talk, which is
Speaker 2: completely exhausting at this point, and Tim telling me all
Speaker 2: about some of their trips out to the lake, as
Speaker 2: well as them going out to dinner several times to
Speaker 2: places that are no more than fifteen minutes from where
Speaker 2: I live, in some cases in walking distance. I'm not
Speaker 2: sure why he would tell me about them getting together
Speaker 2: when he knows I long for family connection and so
Speaker 2: badly would love to be there with them. In the past,
Speaker 2: I've expressed several times that I just want to be
Speaker 2: invited to family functions. Then I heard from my aunt
Speaker 2: again through text, saying, Hey, we have a present for
Speaker 2: the birthday girl. The birthday girl is my daughter. I
Speaker 2: honestly didn't want to just get together so my daughter
Speaker 2: could get a gift when she hadn't spoken to us
Speaker 2: in over two months. At this point, the thought of
Speaker 2: us getting together with them for a gift honestly sounded
Speaker 2: like torture. I had so much anxiety and anger over
Speaker 2: this text, because honestly, neither my daughter nor I want gifts.
Speaker 2: We just want to be a part of the little
Speaker 2: family we have left and feel love and to be included.
Speaker 2: I never ended up responding because I was so hurt
Speaker 2: and had a loss of words to reply. The day
Speaker 2: of my daughter's birthday, we never got any sort of
Speaker 2: call or even a text message from them wishing her
Speaker 2: a happy birthday. I was completely crushed. Since then, my
Speaker 2: other daughter's birthday has happened, and again we heard nothing
Speaker 2: from them.
Speaker 1: Hmmm, we can't control whether people invite us to stuff.
Speaker 1: I think you can certainly put that out there, right.
Speaker 1: I love to be included, but people can still not
Speaker 1: include you. I think it's very brave of you to
Speaker 1: express that. But they have the opportunity to decide to
Speaker 1: decide if they want you in their life. And although
Speaker 1: you want to be in their lives, they may not
Speaker 1: want that same thing. In terms of your grandfather telling
Speaker 1: you about the things that they're doing. I wonder if
Speaker 1: you've been clear about your expectation there. Have you said
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear about you getting together with
Speaker 1: my aunt? Has that been stated or are you assuming
Speaker 1: that he should know what I'm hearing? Is there some
Speaker 1: assumption that he should know not to talk about those things?
Speaker 1: And it's an area that you need to be very
Speaker 1: clear about. I don't want to hear about your gatherings
Speaker 1: with my aunt. It hurts my feelings. You know. I've
Speaker 1: stated I want to a part of his family, and
Speaker 1: I understand I'm not. And it's really painful to hear this.
Speaker 1: You know. It makes me think of when there's an
Speaker 1: estrangement and a family or even you know, when you
Speaker 1: end a relationship. We typically unfollow these people online because
Speaker 1: we don't want those reminders. We may say to people
Speaker 1: in our lives, Hey, I broke up with so and so,
Speaker 1: please don't talk about them anymore. This is a situation
Speaker 1: where that sort of thing may need to happen. You
Speaker 1: need to say it directly and not assume that he
Speaker 1: knows what you want in this situation. In terms of
Speaker 1: the texting around the birthday, I wonder if you're sabotaged
Speaker 1: a bit by not responding. There was a reach out,
Speaker 1: and I understand that there was some anxiety and you know,
Speaker 1: some frustration on your part, but she did reach out.
Speaker 1: So on the actual birthday when there wasn't a response,
Speaker 1: you know, I can't help but think of how there
Speaker 1: was a cause and effect situation at play there that
Speaker 1: you know, because you didn't respond, she took that to
Speaker 1: mean this, and maybe you didn't mean that this other
Speaker 1: thing was happening, But there was no clarity in that situation.
Speaker 1: So I know it's very hurtful and confusing, but it's
Speaker 1: also a very gray situation when there was no repair
Speaker 1: to happen. Do you want to repair this? Because I
Speaker 1: think the reach out you know, before the birthday was
Speaker 1: actually an opportunity to potentially repair. You know, you're maybe
Speaker 1: saying like, hey, you know, we have a present for
Speaker 1: the birthday girl. I wonder you know, if you were
Speaker 1: to respond of like, oh my gosh, thank you, was
Speaker 1: that the repair you were looking for? Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2: Over the years, I'd say that since my grandmother has
Speaker 2: passed away, there has been less and less room for
Speaker 2: myself within my family. With my aunt and grandfather. We
Speaker 2: are invited to the regular holidays Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter,
Speaker 2: but really have been removed from much more. My grandmother
Speaker 2: used to tell me that my aunt was jealous of
Speaker 2: me when my aunt and I had conflicts, but I
Speaker 2: never asked questions around this. My aunt has even gone
Speaker 2: as far as telling me in an argument that that's
Speaker 2: her dad talking about my grandfather and that he loves
Speaker 2: her more. My grandpa has been the only male figure
Speaker 2: in my life since my dad passed away. When I
Speaker 2: was in seventh grade. I didn't engage in this conversation
Speaker 2: too much because she was screaming at the top of
Speaker 2: her lungs. Ever since that fight, I felt like I
Speaker 2: needed to walk on eggshells around my aunt. That argument
Speaker 2: happened because I didn't want to bring tequila to one
Speaker 2: of her pool parties, but wanted to bring pasta salad
Speaker 2: so my kiddos could have something to eat while we
Speaker 2: were there. There have been many issues over the years.
Speaker 2: For a long time, I wouldn't speak up about my feelings,
Speaker 2: but then I started to. But unfortunately, it's either always
Speaker 2: met with my family ignoring what I say, or being
Speaker 2: met with my aunt throwing out issues she has with me.
Speaker 2: But I never hear of her issues until I bring
Speaker 2: up my issues, So it feels like she's only doing
Speaker 2: this to deflect my concerns and take away from what
Speaker 2: I'm saying. It takes everything for me to say what
Speaker 2: I'm feeling with my family. I don't like confrontation.
Speaker 1: I felt like I've needed to walk on eggshells around
Speaker 1: my aunt. With relationships, we have to decide if we
Speaker 1: want close relationships or just a relationship with family. There
Speaker 1: is often this expectation that the relationship has to be close.
Speaker 1: With friends, we have a whole designation best friend, friend,
Speaker 1: close friend, you know, we have all of these things
Speaker 1: to sort of signify the type of relationship. Is it
Speaker 1: possible that those same designations need to be made with family?
Speaker 1: You know? Maybe you're not my best grandma, you're not
Speaker 1: my best sister, you're not my best aunt, you're not
Speaker 1: my closest aunt. We just have a relationationship, and perhaps
Speaker 1: that relationship is once a year we speak to each other.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's not close. I'm hearing some desire to force
Speaker 1: some closeness where on both sides it's not a good match.
Speaker 1: Your aunt wants tequila at the party and you want
Speaker 1: a pasta salad. Those are two very different things to
Speaker 1: bring to a party. So you know, with our family,
Speaker 1: we may not have things in common. It doesn't mean
Speaker 1: I don't love you, it doesn't mean I don't like you,
Speaker 1: but it's certainly saying I'm a pasta salad girl. I'm
Speaker 1: not a tequila girl. And that's okay.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: Maybe you go to the event and you hang out
Speaker 1: and that's it, and maybe there are no more events.
Speaker 1: Maybe she has more in common with your grandfather, maybe
Speaker 1: they have more of a shared history, maybe they have
Speaker 1: more store. Maybe there's something there that doesn't exist between the.
Speaker 2: Two of you.
Speaker 1: That's really hard to accept. You know. I've seen it
Speaker 1: in families where people may say, oh my gosh, my
Speaker 1: sister is closer to her friends than me. You know,
Speaker 1: a lot of it has to do with personality, It
Speaker 1: has to do with temperament, It has to do with
Speaker 1: who we are as people. So just because there is
Speaker 1: some blood connection, it doesn't mean that there is a
Speaker 1: relational connection. Those two things are different. There is no
Speaker 1: relationship in our blood. There's many things that can happen
Speaker 1: within our family, but force forcing that connection is not
Speaker 1: one of those things. It is or it isn't, and
Speaker 1: for some of us, it doesn't exist within the family,
Speaker 1: and that's when we have to build relationships outside of
Speaker 1: the family. I hear you struggling with this idea that
Speaker 1: these may not be your people. They are clearly stating
Speaker 1: in their behaviors what they want behavior is information. So
Speaker 1: if somebody is excluding you, what is that saying they
Speaker 1: don't want you to be a part of it. Let's
Speaker 1: keep listening.
Speaker 2: My grandfather's house is on the way to my girls' school,
Speaker 2: and I've seen my aunt's car over there dozens of
Speaker 2: times over the years. Again, I never get an invite,
Speaker 2: and I live about ten minutes from my grandfather. It
Speaker 2: has just become so obvious to me that they get
Speaker 2: to decide when and when they don't want me around.
Speaker 2: My relationship with them has diminished over the years. At
Speaker 2: this point, I believe I'm not being treated the way
Speaker 2: a family member should be. I'm not saying they haven't
Speaker 2: been there completely. They were great the first few years
Speaker 2: that my grandmother passed. Problems really started to occur when
Speaker 2: my fiance spoke up to my grandfather about not wanting
Speaker 2: to remodel our home in a certain way. For years,
Speaker 2: we were excluded from many family gatherings because of that.
Speaker 2: My grandfather screamed and got into my fiance's face. Because
Speaker 2: of that incident, my fiance simply asked him to leave.
Speaker 2: It was a long road for us to get back
Speaker 2: to somewhat normal, although since then it never went back
Speaker 2: to normal. My family is very harsh and can be
Speaker 2: very unforgiving. Regardless of that, though this all has been
Speaker 2: very hard on me. I'm disturbed that my aunt would
Speaker 2: allow this to go on like it has, and she's
Speaker 2: okay with having the family split up like this. I'm
Speaker 2: disturbed that my grandfather follows her lead in this and
Speaker 2: has decided to not reach out to me either. I
Speaker 2: know I could reach out, but I'm so incredibly tired
Speaker 2: of always being the one to reach out to make
Speaker 2: the effort. For some reason in my gut, I feel
Speaker 2: as though my aunt is happy I'm out of the picture.
Speaker 2: I feel done in many ways though that there is
Speaker 2: no going back. How do I proceed? I feel there
Speaker 2: are days that I'm okay with this, but others where
Speaker 2: it completely eats me alive and I wish it wasn't
Speaker 2: like this at all. I feel I'm a whole holding
Speaker 2: on because they're my only living relatives. I've not been
Speaker 2: the best mother to my little ones while dealing with this,
Speaker 2: because I've been drained and just depressed about what is.
Speaker 2: I love my grandfather and aunt, but I'm also at
Speaker 2: this point of feeling like I could just be better
Speaker 2: off without them, But I don't know how to make
Speaker 2: that final decision. I'm not a loss. Could you please
Speaker 2: give me some insight? Thanks so much.
Speaker 1: This sticks out, although since then it never went back
Speaker 1: to normal. My family is very harsh and can be unforgiven.
Speaker 1: What is the normal? Is the normal? Very harsh and unforgiving?
Speaker 1: Is the normal something that maybe even you don't want
Speaker 1: to tolerate. I know there is this emphasis for you
Speaker 1: on having relationships with your family but what is the
Speaker 1: family that you're clanking to. Is it the family that
Speaker 1: past or is it the family that is Is it
Speaker 1: an idea of what family should be like, or is
Speaker 1: it the family that you have. We can really romanticize
Speaker 1: what relationship should look like, should be like with people
Speaker 1: to the point that we will stay in them and
Speaker 1: just try to forget about what he is and make
Speaker 1: the situation fit as much as we possibly can. And
Speaker 1: I'm sure that's why you ignored so much of this,
Speaker 1: because you wanted to make this fit. I mean, it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, Cinderella and the stepsisters. They wanted to have
Speaker 1: their foot in that shoe and it did not fit.
Speaker 1: What I'm hearing over all here is this struggle to
Speaker 1: keep a situation together when all signs are pointing to
Speaker 1: nothing is able to jail. It's not working. They don't
Speaker 1: want it. The hardest part in all of this is
Speaker 1: perhaps you not accepting that they don't want the relationship.
Speaker 1: From here, I would say, how do you move on
Speaker 1: with your family, with your husband and your children and
Speaker 1: you create something healthy, How do you move on with
Speaker 1: the family that you have? Because you're not a person
Speaker 1: who doesn't have any family, You don't have those family members.
Speaker 1: How do you build what you want to see? That
Speaker 1: is the work to do. Now, how do you expand
Speaker 1: this idea of what family is? You know, blood or
Speaker 1: adoptive family, or you know fictional family or friends, or
Speaker 1: you know, whatever that entails. There is space for familial community.
Speaker 1: You can build healthy and wonderful relationships from other sources.
Speaker 1: It may not be these folks who don't want it.
Speaker 1: You need to hear this. Accepting what he is can
Speaker 1: look like accepting that people don't want a relationship with us.
Speaker 1: When you are pushing someone to be in relationship when
Speaker 1: they don't want that, it's a boundary violation. When you
Speaker 1: are trying to make someone change when they don't want that,
Speaker 1: it's a boundary violation. It doesn't matter if it's healthy.
Speaker 1: You can want these things for them, but if they
Speaker 1: don't want it, you're violating them. I know that's tough
Speaker 1: to hear because you know, sure, there is a different
Speaker 1: way to be There is a different way to show
Speaker 1: up in relationships where those relationships could be healthy. But
Speaker 1: we have to consider the people we're in relationship with,
Speaker 1: and sometimes some of these people it's just not possible
Speaker 1: to have a healthy relationship with them. We have to
Speaker 1: accept that all relationships cannot be maintained. You need to
Speaker 1: hear this is an iHeart production hosted by Mendra Glover
Speaker 1: to Whip. Our executive producer is Joe L. Baldique. Our
Speaker 1: senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us
Speaker 1: a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships
Speaker 1: that you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm really interested in people who want to
Speaker 1: talk more about frenemies, postpartum and father son relationships. If
Speaker 1: you are having any challenges in those areas or you're
Speaker 1: looking to process something in those areas, please send us
Speaker 1: a voice note or write a letter and I would
Speaker 1: love to talk through those issues with you on You
Speaker 1: need to hear this