WEBVTT - Violate Their Boundaries Not 0:00:03.120 --> 0:00:07.120 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to wob and you 0:00:07.560 --> 0:00:11.920 need to hear this. Sometimes we do not speak up, 0:00:12.480 --> 0:00:16.520 especially when people are difficult. Right. We all have those folks, 0:00:16.560 --> 0:00:19.800 those friends, those family members, sometimes a coworker or the 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:23.840 boss where we will hold things in because of how 0:00:23.880 --> 0:00:27.200 they presented in the past, how we know that they 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:30.600 respond to other people, or even them telling us because 0:00:30.640 --> 0:00:32.560 I go off you know, so it's like, well, I 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:35.839 don't want you to go off on me. So sometimes 0:00:35.960 --> 0:00:38.600 when we have something really important to say, we really 0:00:38.640 --> 0:00:41.320 need to correct something, we have a need we need 0:00:41.320 --> 0:00:45.920 to express, we don't do it because we're like, oh, 0:00:46.200 --> 0:00:49.120 I know this is going to go bad. I know 0:00:49.320 --> 0:00:54.760 this person will not receive this. They will be defensive. However, 0:00:56.480 --> 0:01:00.120 knowing that the person may not like what you have 0:01:00.120 --> 0:01:03.840 have to hear, you still need to say it because 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:06.680 when you don't say it, the only thing you're doing 0:01:06.920 --> 0:01:10.240 is prolonging these really big issues. It's not like they 0:01:10.360 --> 0:01:13.280 change or they have this moment if you know what 0:01:14.120 --> 0:01:18.640 I've been noticing, how I've done X. No, that doesn't happen. 0:01:19.080 --> 0:01:22.880 What happens is you continue to experience more of the 0:01:22.959 --> 0:01:28.480 behavior you don't want in a relationship. So confronting people 0:01:28.800 --> 0:01:34.160 is really a step towards caring for the relationship, giving 0:01:34.200 --> 0:01:40.200 the relationship an opportunity to flourish. Because these things have 0:01:40.319 --> 0:01:42.920 been brought up, and I know with difficult people it 0:01:42.959 --> 0:01:46.960 doesn't always flourish. There is some big, huge impact, some implosion, 0:01:47.080 --> 0:01:49.280 and you know, maybe it breaks apart for a bit, 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:53.880 but hopefully there is space for repair. In this week's call, 0:01:53.960 --> 0:01:58.240 we will be talking to someone who confronted a difficult 0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:02.200 family member and it went exactly as she thought it would, 0:02:02.720 --> 0:02:06.000 very poorly, and she is dealing with the faw out 0:02:06.200 --> 0:02:11.560 of that confrontation. When I hear people say I hate confrontation, 0:02:11.639 --> 0:02:16.160 I'm so afraid of confrontation. I don't like conflict, I think, 0:02:17.440 --> 0:02:20.920 who does? I know? We think some people like to argue, 0:02:21.040 --> 0:02:23.160 But do they like to argue or do they want 0:02:23.200 --> 0:02:26.560 to be heard? I don't know if there are these, 0:02:26.639 --> 0:02:29.880 you know, situations where it's like, I just love to 0:02:29.919 --> 0:02:32.959 be in conflict with people. You know, sometimes even those 0:02:32.960 --> 0:02:37.160 people who are you know, moving towards conflict, they're moving 0:02:37.200 --> 0:02:40.520 towards being heard. They're not moving towards conflict. They may 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:43.360 be wanting people to agree with them. So when we 0:02:43.440 --> 0:02:47.840 think about conflict, it is this thing that many of 0:02:47.919 --> 0:02:51.399 us don't want to have. We don't want to have 0:02:51.480 --> 0:02:54.920 these difficult conversations. We don't want to bring up these 0:02:54.960 --> 0:03:00.639 big issues, and yet it is very necessary. The longer 0:03:00.680 --> 0:03:03.760 we sit on them, the more intensity they gained. So 0:03:03.919 --> 0:03:06.680 over time, you know, an issue is small, it's like, 0:03:06.760 --> 0:03:09.280 oh my gosh, this person, you know they were late. 0:03:09.480 --> 0:03:15.400 After they're late ten times, your feedback comes out as anger, 0:03:15.520 --> 0:03:19.360 it comes out as aggression. It's like every time I 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:22.400 see you, you're so late. I can't when that first 0:03:22.480 --> 0:03:24.360 time it could have just been like, hey, you weren't 0:03:24.360 --> 0:03:28.200 on time today. So think about that as you are 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:32.360 moving in your relationships and you're just like letting stuff go, 0:03:32.600 --> 0:03:36.280 sweeping it under a rug, not paying attention to things, 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:39.240 or trying to be passive about things that it's actually 0:03:39.400 --> 0:03:43.080 just building building building building, And it may get to 0:03:43.120 --> 0:03:49.320 a point where there is an aggressive outflow of information 0:03:49.640 --> 0:03:53.400 of offenses of things because you've set with this stuff 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:58.440 for far too long. Let's get into today's letter, because 0:03:58.560 --> 0:04:01.240 I will tell you it is a four page letter. 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:04.600 One of my favorite songs is you know Aliah's four 0:04:04.680 --> 0:04:07.040 page letter of course that's like a love song. This 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:10.120 is a four page letter, and you know it is 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:13.200 about love. It is about the love of our family, 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:17.760 but also accepting what he is. Let's get into this letter. 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:24.720 Hi there, I'm having a complicated family estrangement issue that 0:04:24.800 --> 0:04:29.159 has left me completely depressed, drained, and lost. I've had 0:04:29.160 --> 0:04:31.320 issues here and there over the years of my family, 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:34.440 but this time around things really moved into the realm 0:04:34.480 --> 0:04:38.599 of not speaking. I contributed to this decision in some sense, 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:40.960 but it also just happened to go this way, and 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:43.839 my family has not put any effort into fixing this 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:48.200 issue either. Everything is extremely complicated for me as my 0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:51.360 aunt and grandpa are my only two living family members 0:04:51.360 --> 0:04:55.240 that I have besides my husband and kiddos. It's hard 0:04:55.279 --> 0:04:59.560 for me to think of cutting them off completely. My mom, dad, 0:04:59.600 --> 0:05:02.280 and grandm I'm whom I was extremely close with, all 0:05:02.320 --> 0:05:05.039 passed away by the time I was twenty three. I 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:09.880 loved them dearly. Their deaths have completely changed the family dynamics. 0:05:10.520 --> 0:05:13.680 They were my biggest cheerleaders and support system, and I 0:05:13.760 --> 0:05:16.200 sometimes feel so much sadness to have been left with 0:05:16.279 --> 0:05:18.520 family that I've never been that close with. In the 0:05:18.520 --> 0:05:21.560 grand scheme of things. I'm hoping you can help me 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:24.080 process this and shed some light as to what is 0:05:24.120 --> 0:05:26.880 the next best thing for me. I'm also hoping you 0:05:26.880 --> 0:05:29.159 can shed some light about my family, because I just 0:05:29.200 --> 0:05:31.599 don't understand how they could be this cold to me. 0:05:32.839 --> 0:05:35.599 A few months back, my daughters, who are four and six, 0:05:35.880 --> 0:05:37.960 were supposed to spend the night with my aunt as 0:05:38.000 --> 0:05:40.480 summer was just starting and my aunt had opened their 0:05:40.640 --> 0:05:43.279 inground pool. When it was time to drop my daughters 0:05:43.320 --> 0:05:46.240 off that evening, we went over and I instantly could 0:05:46.279 --> 0:05:48.719 tell that my aunt had been drinking and was actually 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:53.760 quite intoxicated. Instantly in my body, I felt an overwhelming 0:05:53.800 --> 0:05:56.120 sense of dread because I knew that I couldn't leave 0:05:56.160 --> 0:05:59.520 my daughters there with an intoxicated person, especially with the 0:05:59.520 --> 0:06:02.520 pool being open and then planning on swimming. Once I left, 0:06:03.200 --> 0:06:06.240 my body instantly felt dread because I knew this night 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:08.200 was going to get out of hand because my aunt 0:06:08.240 --> 0:06:11.640 can't ever accept any sort of criticism or anything that 0:06:11.680 --> 0:06:14.760 goes against her in any way. I asked if she 0:06:14.800 --> 0:06:18.440 had been drinking, and in a slur, she answered, well, yes, 0:06:18.520 --> 0:06:21.159 I've had a few drinks. She had then walked away 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:23.200 because some of her friends were heading out and she 0:06:23.240 --> 0:06:26.240 was seeing them off. At that point, she falls over 0:06:26.440 --> 0:06:28.599 trying to get her cover up on. And I'm just 0:06:28.640 --> 0:06:31.800 watching this unfold, knowing that my relationship with my aunt 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:34.920 and the rest of my family, my grandpa, aunt's husband, 0:06:34.960 --> 0:06:38.320 and her daughter, is going to drastically suffer because I 0:06:38.360 --> 0:06:40.839 was ultimately deciding that my girls were not in a 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:44.440 safe environment for me to leave them. I'm very submissive 0:06:44.480 --> 0:06:47.000 with my family, as I try to avoid conflict as 0:06:47.120 --> 0:06:50.400 much as possible, especially with them, because I know they 0:06:50.440 --> 0:06:53.400 don't react well to things like this. I value their 0:06:53.440 --> 0:06:55.880 relationship so much that over the years I would not 0:06:56.120 --> 0:06:58.600 dare even say what is on my mind because I 0:06:58.600 --> 0:07:01.280 would fear losing my family or being looked at as 0:07:01.320 --> 0:07:04.720 the block sheep. I eventually approached my aunt, though, and 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:06.839 told her I'd be taking the girls with me, but 0:07:06.880 --> 0:07:08.919 that I could bring them to the movie theater tomorrow, 0:07:08.960 --> 0:07:11.000 as they had already pre purchased tickets to go to 0:07:11.040 --> 0:07:13.920 the movies the next day. I explained it in such 0:07:13.920 --> 0:07:16.400 a non threatening way, and I was just hoping she 0:07:16.440 --> 0:07:18.800 could see where I was coming from. I just was 0:07:18.880 --> 0:07:22.040 not comfortable with leaving my children that night. I was 0:07:22.080 --> 0:07:25.200 met with confrontation and basically her telling me to do 0:07:25.280 --> 0:07:27.720 whatever the f I needed to do in a very 0:07:27.800 --> 0:07:31.600 nasty tone and demeanor. On our way out, the door 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:33.960 slammed behind us, and I could hear yelling as we 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:35.680 left for the car from inside the house. 0:07:39.600 --> 0:07:44.120 Wow. You know, the glue in my family of origin 0:07:44.520 --> 0:07:48.720 was my grandmother, And I remember after my grandmother passed, 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:51.160 holidays looked a lot different. 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:52.240 You know. 0:07:52.400 --> 0:07:56.520 My grandmother would pull everybody together, all of the grandchildren, 0:07:56.600 --> 0:08:00.720 all of her children, their partners. I meant everybody be together, 0:08:00.920 --> 0:08:04.080 and you know, after her passing, it was very scattered. 0:08:04.120 --> 0:08:09.040 We struggled to figure out what that new normal look like. 0:08:09.160 --> 0:08:11.000 And you know, I don't think we ever got to 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:15.560 a new normal because there are some people in the 0:08:15.680 --> 0:08:21.440 family who really know how to keep relationships going, how 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:26.760 to embrace the connection within the family, and also how 0:08:26.840 --> 0:08:30.000 to minimize some of the conflicts. So it sounds like 0:08:30.800 --> 0:08:35.839 you lost some elders who really had some good skills 0:08:35.880 --> 0:08:40.120 for keeping the family together. And I think that happens sometimes, 0:08:40.160 --> 0:08:43.160 and you know, it's really unfortunate when you start to 0:08:43.240 --> 0:08:46.520 see that shifting your family and there is this struggling 0:08:46.640 --> 0:08:49.680 to figure out like, who's going to keep it going? 0:08:50.840 --> 0:08:55.080 We can assume that because there are elders in the family, 0:08:55.160 --> 0:08:57.240 that they will be the person to keep it going. 0:08:57.280 --> 0:08:59.840 Whether it's your grandfather or your aunt. You're like, the 0:09:00.320 --> 0:09:03.320 should be passed to them. And sometimes those people aren't 0:09:03.360 --> 0:09:07.439 in a position to carry that torch, or they don't 0:09:07.440 --> 0:09:11.640 want to. They may not have the level of desire 0:09:11.880 --> 0:09:16.959 or training that those other elders had, and so things 0:09:17.120 --> 0:09:21.720 will be different. I think it's so wonderful that you 0:09:22.000 --> 0:09:27.400 protected your children despite the conflict that you knew would 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:32.439 occur by doing so. How courageous to say they cannot 0:09:32.520 --> 0:09:33.000 stay here? 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:33.200 You know? 0:09:33.280 --> 0:09:36.480 The first thing I thought of was the swimming pool. 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:42.200 I'm like, oh my gosh, intoxicated adult supervising kids in 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:46.560 a pool. I don't like it. It seems very scary. 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:49.400 I think sometimes with kids, we have to make those 0:09:49.480 --> 0:09:54.640 tough decisions despite who it might harm. Protecting your kids 0:09:54.840 --> 0:09:59.240 is a huge part of being a parent, and in 0:09:59.320 --> 0:10:04.679 many and instances, because we are trying to people please, 0:10:06.080 --> 0:10:10.120 we will put our kids in situations that's very uncomfortable 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:14.920 and sometimes dangerous for them. So kudos to you for 0:10:15.040 --> 0:10:20.080 saying not today, this will not happen. This is unsafe. 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:23.960 I am not comfortable. I will be taking my kids home. 0:10:24.600 --> 0:10:30.800 You prioritize safety over people pleasing with your aunt and 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:35.120 her criticism and her inability to accept it. You may 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:39.400 have to accept that even though this person doesn't like it. 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:42.640 You may still need to be honest. You know, when 0:10:42.640 --> 0:10:47.559 we're in a work environment and you're the superior of 0:10:47.880 --> 0:10:51.240 someone who doesn't like feedback, it doesn't mean that you 0:10:51.240 --> 0:10:55.400 don't give them feedback. You don't be honest during their 0:10:55.600 --> 0:10:59.720 annual review. You let them know, hey, these are the things, 0:10:59.800 --> 0:11:02.120 this is what you need to work on, because if not, 0:11:02.840 --> 0:11:07.120 they'll continue to do things incorrectly. They'll continue to impact 0:11:07.520 --> 0:11:11.880 business or workflow. It's the same way in our other relationships. 0:11:11.920 --> 0:11:17.920 We can't withhold that information because it's actually problematic. So 0:11:18.400 --> 0:11:21.120 I'm trying to protect you, but I'm protecting you from 0:11:21.160 --> 0:11:24.280 something that you actually need to hear. And a person 0:11:24.440 --> 0:11:29.520 doesn't have to like what's being said. You may fear 0:11:29.600 --> 0:11:32.960 confrontation because you're trying to get the person to like 0:11:33.040 --> 0:11:35.960 what you're saying or what you're doing. In a relationship, 0:11:36.000 --> 0:11:38.800 I can't say anything because they don't like it. Well, 0:11:38.960 --> 0:11:41.160 you still need to say it, even if they don't 0:11:41.280 --> 0:11:44.040 like it. It's a very important thing that needs to 0:11:44.080 --> 0:11:49.679 be said. Remember this, people who are easily offended will 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:54.439 be easily offended. So if your aunt, your friend, you're whoever, 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:58.640 has an issue where they get like, oh my gosh, 0:11:58.720 --> 0:12:02.280 I can't believe this person's said anything to me, anything 0:12:02.360 --> 0:12:05.240 that is said to them, they will have that same response. 0:12:05.280 --> 0:12:08.400 It's not you, as not other people, it is them. 0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:12.320 What is typically happening is the other people in their life. 0:12:12.360 --> 0:12:16.199 They're not speaking up. I certainly know people who have 0:12:16.360 --> 0:12:21.440 the same relationship issues with many people, and the ones 0:12:21.559 --> 0:12:24.880 that they're able to maintain is because people aren't being 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:28.480 honest with them. People aren't saying what the issue is 0:12:28.520 --> 0:12:30.960 because they want to stay in a relationship, and so 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:34.240 they've made an agreement that I won't say anything because 0:12:34.280 --> 0:12:37.480 this person can't handle the truth. But in the situation 0:12:37.679 --> 0:12:41.800 of someone being intoxicated and caring for your kids, that 0:12:42.000 --> 0:12:47.000 is a time to speak up. I'm always fascinated by 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:50.160 the word black sheep and the meaning we attached to it. 0:12:50.240 --> 0:12:53.319 What does it mean? What does it mean to us 0:12:53.400 --> 0:12:56.200 when we say it? You know, it's it's like a 0:12:56.360 --> 0:13:00.800 very isolating term, I am the black sheep of sheep. 0:13:01.000 --> 0:13:04.440 Everybody's tan and I'm black, and I'm over here, and 0:13:04.480 --> 0:13:07.679 I'm just you know, off by myself. What I think 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:11.880 of as the black sheep is the person who is 0:13:12.000 --> 0:13:16.280 willing to speak up, the person who highlights stuff. If 0:13:16.320 --> 0:13:19.840 there are some issues in the family and you come 0:13:19.920 --> 0:13:23.160 over and you're like, hey, you're intoxicated, and everybody else 0:13:23.240 --> 0:13:26.400 is sitting there sort of ignoring it, is that a 0:13:26.440 --> 0:13:30.560 bad thing? When someone needs to be protected, such as children, 0:13:31.160 --> 0:13:33.560 Is it a bad thing to say, Hey, this person 0:13:33.640 --> 0:13:37.280 can't come to the family gathering because they've harmed you know, 0:13:37.280 --> 0:13:40.760 maybe children in the family, or this person is you know, abusive, 0:13:40.920 --> 0:13:45.760 or whatever is happening in the family. Sometimes, you know, 0:13:46.320 --> 0:13:48.560 I think we need to speak up. And if the 0:13:48.679 --> 0:13:53.199 result of speaking up is isolation, how do we get 0:13:53.240 --> 0:13:59.080 better at allowing people to issue us consequences? Because that's 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:02.920 what I'm hearing. The consequence of you speaking up, although 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:06.719 is harsh, the consequence is disconnection. I don't want to 0:14:06.760 --> 0:14:10.800 be connected to you if you can't ignore these terrible 0:14:10.840 --> 0:14:18.560 things that I'm doing. Let's keep listening. 0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:21.560 The next morning, I had sent my aunt a long 0:14:21.640 --> 0:14:23.920 text message explaining that I was sorry things had to 0:14:23.920 --> 0:14:26.280 play out that way the previous evening, and that I 0:14:26.480 --> 0:14:29.640 value her and our relationship and just hope she could 0:14:29.720 --> 0:14:32.520 understand where I was coming from as a mother. I 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:35.440 basically swept her poor behavior under the rug because I 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:38.080 thought if I didn't, there would surely be consequences for 0:14:38.120 --> 0:14:41.040 my actions. What I was actually worried about ended up 0:14:41.080 --> 0:14:43.800 happening regardless of me sweeping her actions under the rug. 0:14:44.320 --> 0:14:47.560 My aunt completely removed us from the family in many ways. 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:49.760 I was told to have the girls at the movie 0:14:49.760 --> 0:14:52.040 theater by eleven and that the only thing she has 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:55.480 to say is you're their mom, moving on, no hard feelings, 0:14:55.640 --> 0:14:58.600 Love you too. Then she had me pick the girls 0:14:58.680 --> 0:15:00.800 up after the movie, and that's the last time we 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:04.080 saw my aunt. Since then, I stopped hearing from my 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:08.040 family minus a few texts. My grandfather and her are 0:15:08.200 --> 0:15:11.240 very close, and I figured i'd completely stop hearing from 0:15:11.280 --> 0:15:13.840 him as well. I'm not sure what she ever told 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:15.600 him about the night she was drunk and tried to 0:15:15.640 --> 0:15:18.120 keep my girls, but I can only imagine her playing 0:15:18.160 --> 0:15:20.520 it in her favor, and that I am the villain 0:15:20.560 --> 0:15:21.120 in all of this. 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:25.600 What's sticking out for me is what I was actually 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:30.400 worried about ended up happening regardless of me sweeping her 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:35.440 actions under the rug. Isn't that interesting that you're trying 0:15:35.480 --> 0:15:39.440 to protect the person who is harming everyone else, and 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:43.520 even in your protection, there is no protection for you. 0:15:46.200 --> 0:15:50.880 Sweeping things under the rug leaves you with a very 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:56.120 dirty floor. It is not a fixer. It doesn't do anything. 0:15:56.360 --> 0:16:00.160 The dirt is still there, you know. I think of 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:04.040 when we pick our rugs up and we shake them out. 0:16:04.200 --> 0:16:07.000 I picked some rugs up in my house, particularly like 0:16:07.040 --> 0:16:09.760 a doormat, to shake it out, and it's so dirty. 0:16:10.560 --> 0:16:13.800 I have to throw it away. It's just trash. Now. 0:16:13.840 --> 0:16:18.400 I haven't tended to it enough. I've ignored it for 0:16:18.520 --> 0:16:23.040 so long that I can't even keep it. I can't 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:25.400 even keep it anymore. It just needs to go. I 0:16:25.400 --> 0:16:28.000 can't wash it, I can't sweep it. There is so 0:16:28.120 --> 0:16:30.920 much dirt in this rug. I'm just shaking, shake and 0:16:30.920 --> 0:16:36.000 shake and shake and shaking, and there's more dirt. I 0:16:36.040 --> 0:16:40.560 hear that. There has been so many things under this rug. 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:45.280 And now as you're talking about these things, it's coming up. 0:16:45.360 --> 0:16:48.960 It's coming out. And when it comes up and comes out. 0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:52.640 It's like a laundry list of things. It's you know, 0:16:52.760 --> 0:16:55.600 and this and that and this and that, and then 0:16:55.920 --> 0:16:58.360 you know ten years ago and in this year, and 0:16:58.440 --> 0:17:03.840 it's just all of life, this stuff. Okay, let's keep listening. 0:17:05.520 --> 0:17:07.399 The next time I heard from my aunt was a 0:17:07.440 --> 0:17:09.879 few days before the fourth of July, when she invited 0:17:09.960 --> 0:17:12.920 us to her Fourth of July party. I declined, as 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:14.879 we were just getting back from a camping trip, but 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:17.320 also because I felt the only reason we were being 0:17:17.400 --> 0:17:20.720 invited was for show. Because every one of her friends 0:17:20.800 --> 0:17:23.320 and our family friends were being invited to her Fourth 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:26.040 of July party, it would be easier to invite us 0:17:26.040 --> 0:17:28.880 than not, especially for when people would ask where we were. 0:17:29.640 --> 0:17:32.320 I know that my family has gotten together numerous times 0:17:32.359 --> 0:17:35.520 without a single invite to us. When I finally did 0:17:35.560 --> 0:17:38.040 talk with my grandfather, it was small talk, which is 0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:41.280 completely exhausting at this point, and Tim telling me all 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:43.240 about some of their trips out to the lake, as 0:17:43.280 --> 0:17:45.600 well as them going out to dinner several times to 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:48.320 places that are no more than fifteen minutes from where 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:51.879 I live, in some cases in walking distance. I'm not 0:17:51.920 --> 0:17:53.919 sure why he would tell me about them getting together 0:17:53.960 --> 0:17:56.679 when he knows I long for family connection and so 0:17:56.920 --> 0:17:59.680 badly would love to be there with them. In the past, 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:02.280 I've expressed several times that I just want to be 0:18:02.320 --> 0:18:05.440 invited to family functions. Then I heard from my aunt 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:08.280 again through text, saying, Hey, we have a present for 0:18:08.320 --> 0:18:11.719 the birthday girl. The birthday girl is my daughter. I 0:18:11.800 --> 0:18:14.480 honestly didn't want to just get together so my daughter 0:18:14.520 --> 0:18:16.560 could get a gift when she hadn't spoken to us 0:18:16.600 --> 0:18:19.080 in over two months. At this point, the thought of 0:18:19.160 --> 0:18:21.800 us getting together with them for a gift honestly sounded 0:18:21.800 --> 0:18:25.280 like torture. I had so much anxiety and anger over 0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:29.160 this text, because honestly, neither my daughter nor I want gifts. 0:18:29.560 --> 0:18:31.000 We just want to be a part of the little 0:18:31.000 --> 0:18:33.840 family we have left and feel love and to be included. 0:18:34.440 --> 0:18:36.920 I never ended up responding because I was so hurt 0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:39.880 and had a loss of words to reply. The day 0:18:39.880 --> 0:18:42.119 of my daughter's birthday, we never got any sort of 0:18:42.160 --> 0:18:44.479 call or even a text message from them wishing her 0:18:44.480 --> 0:18:48.240 a happy birthday. I was completely crushed. Since then, my 0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:51.160 other daughter's birthday has happened, and again we heard nothing 0:18:51.200 --> 0:18:51.600 from them. 0:18:54.000 --> 0:18:58.560 Hmmm, we can't control whether people invite us to stuff. 0:18:58.800 --> 0:19:00.960 I think you can certainly put that out there, right. 0:19:01.000 --> 0:19:04.600 I love to be included, but people can still not 0:19:04.760 --> 0:19:07.520 include you. I think it's very brave of you to 0:19:07.720 --> 0:19:12.320 express that. But they have the opportunity to decide to 0:19:12.400 --> 0:19:17.600 decide if they want you in their life. And although 0:19:17.800 --> 0:19:20.639 you want to be in their lives, they may not 0:19:20.800 --> 0:19:24.960 want that same thing. In terms of your grandfather telling 0:19:25.000 --> 0:19:28.360 you about the things that they're doing. I wonder if 0:19:28.400 --> 0:19:32.720 you've been clear about your expectation there. Have you said 0:19:33.440 --> 0:19:37.080 I don't want to hear about you getting together with 0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:41.080 my aunt? Has that been stated or are you assuming 0:19:41.200 --> 0:19:44.240 that he should know what I'm hearing? Is there some 0:19:44.560 --> 0:19:49.280 assumption that he should know not to talk about those things? 0:19:49.680 --> 0:19:52.160 And it's an area that you need to be very 0:19:52.200 --> 0:19:55.600 clear about. I don't want to hear about your gatherings 0:19:55.640 --> 0:19:59.080 with my aunt. It hurts my feelings. You know. I've 0:19:59.119 --> 0:20:01.399 stated I want to a part of his family, and 0:20:01.440 --> 0:20:05.080 I understand I'm not. And it's really painful to hear this. 0:20:05.320 --> 0:20:07.440 You know. It makes me think of when there's an 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:10.359 estrangement and a family or even you know, when you 0:20:10.520 --> 0:20:15.480 end a relationship. We typically unfollow these people online because 0:20:15.480 --> 0:20:18.040 we don't want those reminders. We may say to people 0:20:18.040 --> 0:20:20.320 in our lives, Hey, I broke up with so and so, 0:20:20.680 --> 0:20:24.080 please don't talk about them anymore. This is a situation 0:20:24.240 --> 0:20:26.359 where that sort of thing may need to happen. You 0:20:26.440 --> 0:20:29.679 need to say it directly and not assume that he 0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:34.240 knows what you want in this situation. In terms of 0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:39.240 the texting around the birthday, I wonder if you're sabotaged 0:20:39.280 --> 0:20:42.080 a bit by not responding. There was a reach out, 0:20:42.119 --> 0:20:45.399 and I understand that there was some anxiety and you know, 0:20:45.520 --> 0:20:48.400 some frustration on your part, but she did reach out. 0:20:48.520 --> 0:20:52.400 So on the actual birthday when there wasn't a response, 0:20:52.840 --> 0:20:56.000 you know, I can't help but think of how there 0:20:56.080 --> 0:20:59.880 was a cause and effect situation at play there that 0:21:00.320 --> 0:21:03.119 you know, because you didn't respond, she took that to 0:21:03.240 --> 0:21:05.720 mean this, and maybe you didn't mean that this other 0:21:05.800 --> 0:21:09.720 thing was happening, But there was no clarity in that situation. 0:21:09.920 --> 0:21:13.360 So I know it's very hurtful and confusing, but it's 0:21:13.400 --> 0:21:18.600 also a very gray situation when there was no repair 0:21:18.720 --> 0:21:22.439 to happen. Do you want to repair this? Because I 0:21:22.480 --> 0:21:25.320 think the reach out you know, before the birthday was 0:21:25.440 --> 0:21:30.440 actually an opportunity to potentially repair. You know, you're maybe 0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:32.679 saying like, hey, you know, we have a present for 0:21:32.720 --> 0:21:36.239 the birthday girl. I wonder you know, if you were 0:21:36.280 --> 0:21:39.159 to respond of like, oh my gosh, thank you, was 0:21:39.200 --> 0:21:43.840 that the repair you were looking for? Let's keep listening. 0:21:45.640 --> 0:21:48.199 Over the years, I'd say that since my grandmother has 0:21:48.200 --> 0:21:50.480 passed away, there has been less and less room for 0:21:50.560 --> 0:21:54.320 myself within my family. With my aunt and grandfather. We 0:21:54.359 --> 0:21:58.280 are invited to the regular holidays Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, 0:21:58.760 --> 0:22:02.320 but really have been removed from much more. My grandmother 0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:04.119 used to tell me that my aunt was jealous of 0:22:04.160 --> 0:22:06.399 me when my aunt and I had conflicts, but I 0:22:06.440 --> 0:22:09.840 never asked questions around this. My aunt has even gone 0:22:09.840 --> 0:22:12.120 as far as telling me in an argument that that's 0:22:12.240 --> 0:22:15.320 her dad talking about my grandfather and that he loves 0:22:15.320 --> 0:22:18.760 her more. My grandpa has been the only male figure 0:22:18.800 --> 0:22:20.720 in my life since my dad passed away. When I 0:22:20.760 --> 0:22:24.119 was in seventh grade. I didn't engage in this conversation 0:22:24.160 --> 0:22:26.200 too much because she was screaming at the top of 0:22:26.240 --> 0:22:28.960 her lungs. Ever since that fight, I felt like I 0:22:29.000 --> 0:22:32.080 needed to walk on eggshells around my aunt. That argument 0:22:32.160 --> 0:22:34.239 happened because I didn't want to bring tequila to one 0:22:34.280 --> 0:22:36.760 of her pool parties, but wanted to bring pasta salad 0:22:36.840 --> 0:22:38.639 so my kiddos could have something to eat while we 0:22:38.680 --> 0:22:42.200 were there. There have been many issues over the years. 0:22:42.720 --> 0:22:45.440 For a long time, I wouldn't speak up about my feelings, 0:22:45.480 --> 0:22:49.000 but then I started to. But unfortunately, it's either always 0:22:49.040 --> 0:22:52.080 met with my family ignoring what I say, or being 0:22:52.119 --> 0:22:54.639 met with my aunt throwing out issues she has with me. 0:22:55.280 --> 0:22:57.560 But I never hear of her issues until I bring 0:22:57.640 --> 0:23:00.400 up my issues, So it feels like she's only doing 0:23:00.400 --> 0:23:02.960 this to deflect my concerns and take away from what 0:23:03.000 --> 0:23:05.919 I'm saying. It takes everything for me to say what 0:23:05.960 --> 0:23:08.879 I'm feeling with my family. I don't like confrontation. 0:23:10.880 --> 0:23:13.760 I felt like I've needed to walk on eggshells around 0:23:13.800 --> 0:23:18.720 my aunt. With relationships, we have to decide if we 0:23:18.840 --> 0:23:25.280 want close relationships or just a relationship with family. There 0:23:25.359 --> 0:23:31.040 is often this expectation that the relationship has to be close. 0:23:31.880 --> 0:23:37.720 With friends, we have a whole designation best friend, friend, 0:23:38.040 --> 0:23:40.600 close friend, you know, we have all of these things 0:23:40.640 --> 0:23:45.199