Speaker 1: The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Here's Nikki Ah. Here I am,
Speaker 1: It's Nicky Glazer. Welcome to the show. Everyone, It's Nicky
Speaker 1: Glazer Podcast. Welcome, old listeners, new listeners. Uh, besties that
Speaker 1: we've had from the beginning. People that started listening to
Speaker 1: me in the U up dates. People's started listening to
Speaker 1: me in the Not Safe podcast days. People, let's started
Speaker 1: listening to me in the you have to Be There
Speaker 1: podcast days. I have a many people tuning into the
Speaker 1: show and we welcome them all, even if it's your
Speaker 1: if your day one bestie, which could be this could
Speaker 1: be your day one, Welcome to the show. I'm here
Speaker 1: with my co host Andrew Collin, who is always in
Speaker 1: studio with me when he can be. UM most of
Speaker 1: the time we are together. Uh this is We're in St. Louis, Missouri,
Speaker 1: which is where I live. Even though a lot of
Speaker 1: people think that my reality show is a lie and
Speaker 1: talking to a hologram, look at you now is so good,
Speaker 1: Miss l A on your they got the bags under
Speaker 1: my eyes, even like the the people we hired for
Speaker 1: this hologram. Um, I'm in St. Louis with Andrew in
Speaker 1: my apartment. UM in the studio of our podcast that
Speaker 1: my mom designed and that our busties have provided a
Speaker 1: lot of the artwork on the wall. Check out us
Speaker 1: on YouTube if you want to see that artwork changing
Speaker 1: every day, just put up a lot of new stuff,
Speaker 1: like a yarn a piece above my right above me
Speaker 1: by the Cozy Wall. On Instagram, she is a tried
Speaker 1: and true bustie that makes amazing gorgeous yarn pieces that
Speaker 1: I always admire when I see them in um other
Speaker 1: women's houses on Instagram, and I'm always like, my sister
Speaker 1: has a lot of these in our house, and I'm
Speaker 1: just like, that is the mark of a girl who
Speaker 1: like has good knows good interior designed like a beautiful
Speaker 1: yarn piece that the Cozy Wall can make for you.
Speaker 1: She's out of Vancouver. Andrew Colin is here. He's up
Speaker 1: from um some floor like he comes up about nine
Speaker 1: floors day in the building. UM. Noah is in Arizona
Speaker 1: across the counch and I said, conch makes it a
Speaker 1: little more fun. And then she's like the contacross gunch
Speaker 1: and Uh, I say that lovingly. I'm trying to repurpose
Speaker 1: instead of bitch. No Uh, you were about to say
Speaker 1: something as we were about to start the show, and
Speaker 1: I said, save it for the pod, and um, you
Speaker 1: thought I might forget, But what is what did you
Speaker 1: want to say? Okay, So I didn't watch We'll Go
Speaker 1: Home Nikki Glazer last night because I went to a
Speaker 1: concert m H and um, I would to see the
Speaker 1: band Carcass, very good band. Um, so I watched it
Speaker 1: this morning. I watched it before the show this morning,
Speaker 1: before the pod, and there was yeah, you've seen Carcass.
Speaker 1: No one says I went to go see the band Carcass,
Speaker 1: like the yeah, yeah, it's usually I went to fucking
Speaker 1: car kitchen stapled my dick. Yeah, but it's I went
Speaker 1: to see Carcass. I had a lovely time, we said.
Speaker 1: In the orchestra section, I started bleeding pretty bad because
Speaker 1: I was matching and then I stay stepped from this
Speaker 1: guy with stilettos on his throat and it was like, weird.
Speaker 1: We had a lovely times? Were you guys? Is too
Speaker 1: romantic evening for me and my boyfriend. Carcass Um, who
Speaker 1: opened for Carcass, satenit the band Immolation. Immolation Okay, I
Speaker 1: mean shout out to band names across the country. Okay,
Speaker 1: so what the band was called? Band name? Okay, so
Speaker 1: you didn't watch to Welcome Ho Niki Lazer question Mark
Speaker 1: until today until this morning after I finished show prep
Speaker 1: and okay, so the this week's episode, UM, a lot
Speaker 1: of the theme was about UM, your family and your
Speaker 1: and your loved ones seeing you on stage and seeing
Speaker 1: your act. And one of the testimonials, you were talking
Speaker 1: about how you know, it's not so much that your
Speaker 1: mom doesn't like your your material or anything like that,
Speaker 1: but it's about what she thinks other people will perceive you, well,
Speaker 1: what will perceive about you. My mom constantly and even
Speaker 1: in the episode, you see my mom say, but I
Speaker 1: just like to watch them. I like to watch them,
Speaker 1: and I just can't believe how many people love you.
Speaker 1: She's always shocked at why that that really hurts You
Speaker 1: see it in the in the there's a testimonial with
Speaker 1: me and my mom together and you see me go,
Speaker 1: they like me, Mom, they really like me, and she goes,
Speaker 1: they do. I just can't believe it. And you see
Speaker 1: a little hurt in me because she doesn't understand why
Speaker 1: I'm hurt by that. That her shock that people like
Speaker 1: me could be hurt. But you know, I've accepted it,
Speaker 1: and my mom just doesn't think people will be into
Speaker 1: this thing. I have another thing to say in this No,
Speaker 1: what what was your question? So my question is UM.
Speaker 1: In the last couple of weeks, we were talking a
Speaker 1: lot about UM, you writing music or starting something new
Speaker 1: or posting something on Instagram, and your apprehensions about it
Speaker 1: are because of what others will think about you, other
Speaker 1: people's perception of you. And even though we kind of
Speaker 1: alluded to oh it comes from growing up or that,
Speaker 1: you know, I wonder if you've really made that strong
Speaker 1: connection of oh, it's definitely. My mom has been telling
Speaker 1: me this all my life. Be careful what other people think,
Speaker 1: and you know, I have made that connection. However, I
Speaker 1: do believe that I appreciate that my mom is honest,
Speaker 1: that she cares so much what other people think. I
Speaker 1: think that most women most I don't want to make
Speaker 1: this a woman issue, but I do believe that we
Speaker 1: all care about what other people think of us. And
Speaker 1: that's why I like that book. The Courage to be
Speaker 1: disliked so much? UM, I I don't. My mom's thing
Speaker 1: is like she wants them to think different. My mom
Speaker 1: wants this. I can only guess what she wants. But
Speaker 1: I think my mom would like people to think of
Speaker 1: her a different way than she actually is. So she
Speaker 1: would like them to think something of her that isn't true.
Speaker 1: That like she's perfect, even though she knows she's not,
Speaker 1: but she would like to give the appearance like the
Speaker 1: house always looks like this, Whereas I get angry when
Speaker 1: I have to be something fake that I know I'm
Speaker 1: not to get people to like me because I realized, like,
Speaker 1: I can't keep this up and that's not me, and
Speaker 1: I get really sad. But I I think the thing
Speaker 1: that I worry about is that people might misinterpret who
Speaker 1: I am. Like if if someone sees my mom's dirty house,
Speaker 1: they might think she has a dirty house sometimes, which
Speaker 1: is true. But what I get worried about if I
Speaker 1: post something on Instagram that seems like I think I'm
Speaker 1: cool or like, I'm worried that people might get an
Speaker 1: impression of me not that is like, oh, Nikki looks
Speaker 1: fat in that picture, Nikki looks tired or whatever, which
Speaker 1: is true. My worry is that they're going to think
Speaker 1: Nicky thinks she's cool, which I do not think. I
Speaker 1: don't want them to think something that isn't true of me,
Speaker 1: whereas my mom would like them to think something different
Speaker 1: of her. If that makes sense, I mean the idea
Speaker 1: of your mom cleaning her house and then it's like
Speaker 1: overly clean, so she wants them to see she wants
Speaker 1: to think, Oh, she's the cleanest person. She knows she's not,
Speaker 1: and she would like to be that too, which we
Speaker 1: all would like to be a cleaner version of themselves.
Speaker 1: I don't mean to say all of us, but um,
Speaker 1: I think most people would like to be a slightly
Speaker 1: better version than themselves. Um. What I was really hurt, like,
Speaker 1: I gotta be honest with you guys, and it's really good.
Speaker 1: I think you'll really like it. You're really funny in it.
Speaker 1: You have some good lines and moments. Um. What I
Speaker 1: felt sad about, which I did not know, was that
Speaker 1: I always thought my mom would enjoy me if I
Speaker 1: wasn't her daughter, you know, like she would enjoy my
Speaker 1: comedy if I wasn't her daughter, like that me being
Speaker 1: her daughter makes her go oh, it's hard to listen to.
Speaker 1: But she said in it, if Nikki wasn't my daughter,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't go to her shoes, which was different than
Speaker 1: what I thought. I really did think, like my mom
Speaker 1: would probably like my sense of humor if I know
Speaker 1: it's a little crass. First she does, she's not into
Speaker 1: blue stuff as much, but I think that she would
Speaker 1: see me on TV and like me if I wasn't
Speaker 1: her daughter. But the truth is, my mom would not
Speaker 1: like my humor if she wouldn't have any interest in
Speaker 1: going to see me if I wasn't her daughter, which
Speaker 1: hurts to here, But I don't take it offensively because
Speaker 1: I know that I'm funny and I know that clearly
Speaker 1: people do enjoy me. It just I don't understand why
Speaker 1: my I can't make my why my mom doesn't laugh
Speaker 1: at my stuff, Like why my mom can't see what
Speaker 1: I'm doing is funny or important. I think there's certain
Speaker 1: jokes that your mom probably would pick that she likes
Speaker 1: better than others, like my mom. Like if I talk about,
Speaker 1: you know, helping some kids suck his own dick, my
Speaker 1: mom isn't gonna go. Man. I love that. I love
Speaker 1: what you do with that, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like if it's true and honest and a part, that's
Speaker 1: the best joke. You were on stage the other night
Speaker 1: and I went live with my mom at in Montclair,
Speaker 1: New Jersey, and she was in Europe, and I was like, Mom,
Speaker 1: I'm about to go on stage. Any requests I think
Speaker 1: I said this on and she couldn't think of even
Speaker 1: one joke, one joke. I mean, I'm not asking her
Speaker 1: to be specific. She could literally she could actually say
Speaker 1: the one about dogs and I'd be like, oh, thanks
Speaker 1: for listen. She could put I have a joke about everything.
Speaker 1: She could have. She could have looked around the room
Speaker 1: and gun lamp, I love lamp like. She could have
Speaker 1: anchored her held it yeah, and I would have been like,
Speaker 1: thanks mom, I'll do the lamp bit. You know. It
Speaker 1: was just the fact that she couldn't. She went, what's
Speaker 1: that you say that? I would have been okay, and
Speaker 1: I would be like, what is it mom? What's specific
Speaker 1: about it? I'm just like, what do I do? What's mine?
Speaker 1: Three of that? No, I I get what you're saying.
Speaker 1: It's it is hard to but you know, also as
Speaker 1: a stand up it's very personal. You're very personal on stage,
Speaker 1: so you're like, oh, my mom doesn't like who I
Speaker 1: am as opposed to like, you know, someone like Danny
Speaker 1: McBride can joke about you know, being on a jet
Speaker 1: ski and fucking a girl with herpes, and his mom
Speaker 1: is probably like, I don't love that scene. But that's
Speaker 1: not you. You're acting. You wrote that with other people.
Speaker 1: It was in a script. It's a show. But you,
Speaker 1: on the other hand, are talking about things that are
Speaker 1: very personal. So when your mother it's like, oh, you
Speaker 1: don't like me as a person, almost as opposed to
Speaker 1: like if it was just you know, your art. And
Speaker 1: I realized, like, there are a lot of things that
Speaker 1: I do that my um, it's not for my parents,
Speaker 1: you know, Like I'm always shocked when people in my
Speaker 1: parents age and so are my parents come to the
Speaker 1: show and they're like, we love Nikki, and like I'm like,
Speaker 1: see these seven year old people like me? Um, I
Speaker 1: my goal. I'm a comedian because my I watched my
Speaker 1: dad watched Wendy Liebman and laugh at like the joke
Speaker 1: of I recently quit smoking crack and I remember my
Speaker 1: dad laughing at the joke, and I'm like, I gotta
Speaker 1: do that. I remember, you know, you know, and when
Speaker 1: there's something about marrying, my dad took me to go
Speaker 1: see that and he laughed at the scene where they're
Speaker 1: like you need to date a new guy or whatever,
Speaker 1: and she's like, it's okay, I still have a vibrator.
Speaker 1: And my dad left at that. These are I left at.
Speaker 1: I remember when my dad read out loud in the
Speaker 1: New York Times. I didn't even know who Sarah Silverman was,
Speaker 1: but he was like, there's this. He laughed out loud
Speaker 1: at this joke, and he's like, I gotta read this.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry if it's a little like not appropriate, and
Speaker 1: it was, you know, I was molested by my doctor,
Speaker 1: which as a Jewish girl is so bittersweet. And I
Speaker 1: remember him laughing at that, being like that so goddamn funny,
Speaker 1: and I didn't know what even what that meant. Those
Speaker 1: were moments where I was like, I want to do that,
Speaker 1: you like, I need to do whatever is making My
Speaker 1: dad always left at women like he you know, he
Speaker 1: loves MAO comics too, But that was like, Oh, that's
Speaker 1: how I can make my dad like me so much. Well,
Speaker 1: those jokes too, are very left turney, set up punch,
Speaker 1: old school. I guess you would call it like dad,
Speaker 1: like you don't expect it it. Maybe, yes, I agree
Speaker 1: with you, but I also think that that was a
Speaker 1: new form. Kevin Nealon Wendy Lean were the first ones
Speaker 1: to do the like Little Sid had a lot of jokes,
Speaker 1: slid a hand kind of joke back in the day
Speaker 1: where they were very like set that's what I'm saying. Like,
Speaker 1: so that was like more for your parents and my
Speaker 1: special Yeah, I lost my virginity at age one, or
Speaker 1: I didn't have sex until it's twenty one, I didn't
Speaker 1: have consensual sex. Like the word like just adding a
Speaker 1: little word making it different. Um, but you guys are
Speaker 1: looking at a very technical because it's interesting because you
Speaker 1: are using comedy to connect with your dad, who um,
Speaker 1: you know, exposed you and you have this connection. But
Speaker 1: I feel like comedy when with how you connect with
Speaker 1: your mom, it's more of like a rebellion thing going
Speaker 1: against her need for like being perfect approval. It's totally no,
Speaker 1: it's it's exactly that, it's like seeking my dad's approval.
Speaker 1: Well at the same time doing something that a lot
Speaker 1: of people go you which is my mom's worst fearing
Speaker 1: something thinking about me when I joined the g s
Speaker 1: A in high school. I'll never forget my mom. You know,
Speaker 1: in high school, gay people weren't There was no gay
Speaker 1: people in my high school. Weirdly we got no gay
Speaker 1: people just you know crazy that, yes, But in two
Speaker 1: thousand two that was not Kids were not coming out
Speaker 1: in at least in St. Louis in like the you
Speaker 1: know liberal schools. They weren't coming out yet. You didn't
Speaker 1: have any gay people in your high school class either,
Speaker 1: as we had glad in my school. The club, yeah,
Speaker 1: we had g s A was a gay straight alines
Speaker 1: and it was so it was a big thing. It
Speaker 1: was glad. His name was gladdest I actually the name
Speaker 1: of daughter Gladys, because I think it's such a funny
Speaker 1: um as of why. I just like that it looks
Speaker 1: like Gladdie's so um. I just remember my mom. I
Speaker 1: wanted to join the g s A because it was
Speaker 1: such a cool way to rebel. That was like, but
Speaker 1: this is a thing, it's school. I just know a
Speaker 1: lot of parents don't like it, and I want to
Speaker 1: join it because I know it's right, I know what
Speaker 1: it stands for, its rights, and it's not actually breaking
Speaker 1: any rules. And I remember my mom being like, people
Speaker 1: are going to think you're kay, which you know, back
Speaker 1: then was a different thing, and she just didn't want
Speaker 1: me to be bullied or whatever. Different, really different, And
Speaker 1: I just remember saying, like, Mom, I represent the S
Speaker 1: and she goes, oh, you're gonna walk around the school
Speaker 1: because I go, Mom, weird the S? Me and Taylor
Speaker 1: used to go where the S? The G S A
Speaker 1: and make an S with her hands and she go,
Speaker 1: are you walking around like that all day? Going I'm
Speaker 1: the as, I'm the as. How are people going to know?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I don't. I hope they think of
Speaker 1: I mean the famous story that I've told a bunch
Speaker 1: and I used to do it a bit about. I
Speaker 1: once came out to my mom as gay when she
Speaker 1: was black out drunk, and I knew she wouldn't remember
Speaker 1: the next day, just so I could see her real reaction,
Speaker 1: because I knew she would be upset about it. And
Speaker 1: I loved I loved my mom being upset about something
Speaker 1: that I knew I couldn't help. I knew gay people
Speaker 1: couldn't help being gay, so like, she can't be mad
Speaker 1: at me about this? So I remember as a bit
Speaker 1: I came out to my mom in front of my friends.
Speaker 1: My mom was drunk enough that I knew she wouldn't
Speaker 1: remember it the next day because I had done my
Speaker 1: research as a child and she and I said, Mom,
Speaker 1: I'm gay, and she goes, your dad and I have
Speaker 1: known for so long. She twisted, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm not. She's like nicky, no, oh god, we have
Speaker 1: known for so long. And I was like, but I'm not.
Speaker 1: She's like, it's okay, We're fine with it. We have
Speaker 1: we have thought about it, we get it. And I
Speaker 1: was just so backfired. Yeah, so funny. She's like, look, look,
Speaker 1: we already set up a room, another room for you something.
Speaker 1: So so yeah, we've already were uh yeah, we're building
Speaker 1: an addition to the house so you can't touch our things.
Speaker 1: Um no, there was I had moments like dad to
Speaker 1: I had a drunk mom where it's like, knew she
Speaker 1: wasn't going to remember things in the morning. I would
Speaker 1: say the worst things to my mom. I mean, it's
Speaker 1: just so funny when you have conversations with a parent
Speaker 1: that is an alcoholic and you know they're not going
Speaker 1: to remember it. So I don't know. It's something as
Speaker 1: a kid where I wasn't even drinking it. You don't
Speaker 1: really understand, you know, Yes, I didn't. I didn't learn
Speaker 1: that I could say whatever I want and they wouldn't
Speaker 1: remember the next day because I had done this. I
Speaker 1: mean I would go on to black out throughout my
Speaker 1: life and understand that feeling. But at the time I
Speaker 1: figured out through trial and error of like, Mom, last night,
Speaker 1: you said this, and having seeing her realize there's no recollection,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, Mom has what Grandma has, but
Speaker 1: alcoholic dementia. Um. It is interesting too because it's like
Speaker 1: you bring it up and then they go, well, I
Speaker 1: didn't say that, and then you go, okay, well I
Speaker 1: think you did. Like I have memories of like things
Speaker 1: that I think she said when she was drunk, but
Speaker 1: because she was in such denial about it, because she
Speaker 1: didn't really remember it, so you can't deny it. Yes,
Speaker 1: it didn't happen to you, and yes, and that's you know,
Speaker 1: that's a classic example of like, you know, when when
Speaker 1: someone not just like someone who's drinking or like someone
Speaker 1: even when like I always remember when someone grabbed my
Speaker 1: ass at a bar and I got like I told
Speaker 1: some people and the guy just about it and he goes,
Speaker 1: he's like, I didn't grab your ass. He was like
Speaker 1: almost discussed at the idea that he grabbed masks and
Speaker 1: I was like so embarrassed, like, oh my god, I
Speaker 1: can't believe I thought you did that. And then in
Speaker 1: your head you rewrite what happened. You're like, maybe he
Speaker 1: did just like he was, you know, a goose walked by.
Speaker 1: Yeah you know, like I don't know, yeah, maybe they
Speaker 1: do let ducks in this bar or whatever, and it's
Speaker 1: grabbed my butt. But like you, you just get embarrassed
Speaker 1: when someone goes, no, I didn't you said to go
Speaker 1: maybe you didn't to apologize for someone else's mistake. Well,
Speaker 1: because I think it goes back to how I feel
Speaker 1: when I post something online, like there's a secret part
Speaker 1: of me that thinks I might be a bad person,
Speaker 1: that I might be out for people to think I'm cool,
Speaker 1: that I might be out to like hurt other p
Speaker 1: bowl to get my way. And so when someone calls
Speaker 1: and goes, I didn't say I didn't grab your ass,
Speaker 1: you're just wanting to make me an ask graber, like
Speaker 1: I go, maybe I am, maybe I do think I'm cool,
Speaker 1: and that in my butts so great, like you're right,
Speaker 1: like I'm okay, never mind, sorry, uh yeah, And then
Speaker 1: I quickly want to just like throw as you could
Speaker 1: say duality our favorite word from last week. But I
Speaker 1: get that. I'll put up a photo of me looking
Speaker 1: good and then I'll write a funny caption to take
Speaker 1: away of me trying to be attractive, and one person
Speaker 1: will comment, Hey, I see you, I see that you.
Speaker 1: This is a very attractive photo. You don't need to
Speaker 1: write this three fucking paragraph. Chris and I wanted to
Speaker 1: start an Instagram account that was private. That's just called
Speaker 1: calling you out, and we just write under people. We
Speaker 1: write the caption, we write what we know this person
Speaker 1: is trying to do with this picture. It's just called
Speaker 1: calling you out. And it's so main because everyone's just
Speaker 1: trying to survive and not be there's a bullish part
Speaker 1: of myself that wants to call out people. I really
Speaker 1: have to be better about when I get mad about
Speaker 1: people being that I just know that inside they think
Speaker 1: they're not cool at all, and I just should be
Speaker 1: nicer about it because this is all they can do.
Speaker 1: And we do the same thing, like, oh my god, yes,
Speaker 1: the reason why I can see it and I think
Speaker 1: the same with you. It's like we can see how
Speaker 1: people what they're really saying because we have the same
Speaker 1: brain as that person. And we're so ingrained and in
Speaker 1: touch with it where we self destroy ourselves, where we
Speaker 1: can see it in other people. It's the same thing
Speaker 1: with roastin why you're so good at roastin why I
Speaker 1: can think of the darkest shit about people because I
Speaker 1: think it about myself. Yeah, It's like, whenever people say
Speaker 1: mean things, I'm always like, you think, I haven't thought
Speaker 1: this about myself. Good luck trying to come up with
Speaker 1: something I haven't said to myself. I mean, honestly, there's
Speaker 1: there's probably nothing I've done. I've done. I've said the
Speaker 1: meanest things to myself. Um that when someone does say
Speaker 1: something that I haven't said to myself, it usually doesn't
Speaker 1: ring true in any way for me because I've covered
Speaker 1: everything that is true for me, Or they do call
Speaker 1: it out and it's like, this was the first negative
Speaker 1: thing I ever thought about. This is a thousand negative
Speaker 1: things ago. That was the first thing on there, so
Speaker 1: far ahead of this, buddy me, Like, you know, my
Speaker 1: forehead being big I've been that was brought to my
Speaker 1: attention in two thousand seven. It has become so much
Speaker 1: worse since there's so many other things on my face
Speaker 1: that you can make fun of that is, yeah, we
Speaker 1: earlier out early, I mean where the next start? That
Speaker 1: was huge. I think it's something that people that have
Speaker 1: mental issues say instead of speaking, and I think it
Speaker 1: probably originated from like that kind of thing we used
Speaker 1: to do with our hand on our chest, and an
Speaker 1: interesting thing on the flight with someone with mental issues. Last,
Speaker 1: I guess we can go to break and then here
Speaker 1: about it when you come back, and you can tell
Speaker 1: us about your experience looking at yourself in the mirror
Speaker 1: in the bathroom. All right, back, Andrew, I'm coming down
Speaker 1: downtown from the uptown area, from the hot girl to
Speaker 1: the low girls all the way. Man mus never end.
Speaker 1: All right, we're back. What happened to you on the plane? Okay?
Speaker 1: So we flew southwest. We were like C five, C six.
Speaker 1: We forgot to sign in. It was an empty enough
Speaker 1: flight where we kept going. We got our own row.
Speaker 1: Me and Brenna were flying together, got our own row.
Speaker 1: There was a mentally challenged person sitting in the front
Speaker 1: in front of us with her mom and probably so so.
Speaker 1: Brenna moves to the center seat to sit next to me,
Speaker 1: but still wanting obviously the aisle seat to be open.
Speaker 1: The handicapped girl comes back from the bathroom and just
Speaker 1: sits next to Brenna. Next to Brenna, and we don't
Speaker 1: want to make us anyone else the wrong seat she's
Speaker 1: had in the wrong seat, and she did in the
Speaker 1: aisle in the front in front of me. She was
Speaker 1: in the window. But I didn't want to. Did her
Speaker 1: person that was with her say anything, or well, she
Speaker 1: didn't see her, she was behind her, So we didn't.
Speaker 1: I didn't. I didn't know whether to tap the mom
Speaker 1: on the shoulder to go hey, because I didn't. We
Speaker 1: didn't care. We didn't. We obviously did it. We didn't
Speaker 1: want to make a big deal of it at all,
Speaker 1: But we also were like, hey, we kind of want
Speaker 1: the roads still to lay down. So it was just
Speaker 1: like an interesting like it was not mentally you would
Speaker 1: just go hey, I think you were sitting there, yea.
Speaker 1: So it was just like one of those. I also
Speaker 1: I had the same kind of thing at the wedding.
Speaker 1: I went to a wedding. So what happened though, Oh
Speaker 1: so oh sorry, Yeah, that's it, that's all. That's all.
Speaker 1: Plane crash, that's a whole another thing. It was the
Speaker 1: worst flight of our lives. It was fucking you flew
Speaker 1: whatever anyways, Uh, so we didn't say anything. Eventually the
Speaker 1: mom was like, we're like just look looking. After ten minutes,
Speaker 1: like her daughters turned around and she's like and obviously
Speaker 1: if we said something, it wouldn't have been a big deal,
Speaker 1: just to tap the moud, but it would have been like,
Speaker 1: it's a problem that she's here. You thought it was
Speaker 1: going to be like and then the mom would be like,
Speaker 1: why is it a problem that she's wants it's open sea. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was that whole thing. Yes, So we just like
Speaker 1: that was so at the wedding. And then at the
Speaker 1: wedding there was we all know the guy that takes
Speaker 1: over to dance floor. You've made fun of him in
Speaker 1: a special. I don't know did it come out and
Speaker 1: it didn't know I didn't have a special, but yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: but the guy that does the worm at the wedding,
Speaker 1: and like everyone has to move out of the way
Speaker 1: because this guy has to have his moment where he
Speaker 1: is the only talent that he had in college and
Speaker 1: he doesn't really do it anymore and he doesn't have
Speaker 1: the upper body strength because he doesn't go to weddings.
Speaker 1: He hasn't been working out, but he has the muscle
Speaker 1: memory of the worm from college when it was like
Speaker 1: his thing. Yeah, it's not even like a worm anymore.
Speaker 1: It's just like a dead caterpillar. Like it's a drowned worm,
Speaker 1: like one of them you find floating in the puddle
Speaker 1: that's still twitching a little bit, and you go, shouldn't
Speaker 1: rescue it, but it looks bloated. Gotcha? Okay, so this
Speaker 1: guy is clearing the is he mentally No? No, he's
Speaker 1: he's he's he's there. He isn't a gay black man
Speaker 1: who I can't even explain how many times he shoved
Speaker 1: me to be on the dance like literally getting shoved
Speaker 1: for him to be the center of attention. Why were
Speaker 1: you in this way? Were you trying to be the owner?
Speaker 1: I swear to god, I don't think you were. Maybe
Speaker 1: in my early twenties, my yeager bomb days, I would
Speaker 1: try to take over to dance floor. I'm all, I swear,
Speaker 1: why wouldn't you just get away from this guy? And
Speaker 1: and I'm getting You're like, I'm not the only one
Speaker 1: that was getting like shoved, and like it's one thing
Speaker 1: when you bet when you're the warm guy where you
Speaker 1: want everyone involved and let's all wormy. Let's like cheer
Speaker 1: me on as I worm. It's like a group effort.
Speaker 1: Let's become worms together. It's a very I'm the star.
Speaker 1: It's his garden. He's the only worm in this garden.
Speaker 1: He's the only worm, and he's eating a lot of
Speaker 1: grass and if you get in his way, he's going
Speaker 1: to mow you down. So he was just was he
Speaker 1: checking Was he meaning to bump in? Do you think?
Speaker 1: I think? I think it was just he was so
Speaker 1: this is his element, like this is his super Bowl.
Speaker 1: Is a lot of people go to weddings because they
Speaker 1: and they get up it is I mean, I that's
Speaker 1: the thing I was most excited about this wedding this
Speaker 1: weekend was dancing. Yeah, but you want to dance with
Speaker 1: you you don't want it. But I'm just saying I
Speaker 1: understand that like of likes about but some people treated
Speaker 1: us like this is my chance to shine. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean at one point brings out. Usually it's the bride
Speaker 1: who feels that way. You would think, yeah, you would
Speaker 1: think the bride and the bride had a great time.
Speaker 1: Hannah had a great time. He brought out a chair
Speaker 1: one time to give a lap dance to a woman
Speaker 1: like overly aggressive yeah, yeah, to hand or to just
Speaker 1: any woman another woman. Did anyone ask for this? I
Speaker 1: don't think. I don't know if it was asked for.
Speaker 1: All I know is he was trying to have fun.
Speaker 1: But again, if it's a group thing, I'm all for it.
Speaker 1: This person lacks social and self yes. And then it's
Speaker 1: like it goes back to like he keeps I keep
Speaker 1: getting bumped, and I'm just like, if I make a
Speaker 1: scene here, I'm gonna not look like the coolest guy
Speaker 1: because this person is clearly there's not a lot of
Speaker 1: gay people there. There's probably not a lot of black
Speaker 1: people there. You're singling out the black guy that. It's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: this is mostly thin, white straight and here I am
Speaker 1: yelling at the overweight gay black man yeah, because it
Speaker 1: wouldn't be a good yeah Southwest even if it's yeah,
Speaker 1: so what do you? What do you do? I didn't
Speaker 1: do anything quietly stir and talking about it in a
Speaker 1: podcast exactly. I was just going to brand. I was
Speaker 1: just like, I want to like, why can't I say?
Speaker 1: I don't. I get why I can't. But also and
Speaker 1: I know I don't even know. I mean, I get bumped,
Speaker 1: I get bumped again. I go, hey, man, I'm just
Speaker 1: trying to fucking dance. Okay, can you not bump me? Okay,
Speaker 1: So that's not the best approach because that's very aggressive.
Speaker 1: I thought I thought we were just acting well, I
Speaker 1: was actually putting you in the scenario. Okay, they do
Speaker 1: it in therapy. Yeah, I would dial it down a
Speaker 1: little bit. Okay, I'm I'm dancing. Hey can you Hey man,
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to what it's loud. I'm trying to you.
Speaker 1: You've bought me a few times. It's no big deal.
Speaker 1: It's not a big deal. But just no, I know
Speaker 1: you're dancing, but it seems like you're like, can you
Speaker 1: just maybe pay attention to other people calling the a
Speaker 1: C l U? Please don't? No, I think, um, you
Speaker 1: know what, there's there's many times in this and this
Speaker 1: isn't just a thing where you go it's it's about
Speaker 1: you know, race or whatever, like you think you're gonna
Speaker 1: get deemed a racist or sexist, whatever it is. There's
Speaker 1: a lot of times where you don't say something because
Speaker 1: it's a bigger hassle to' say something that it is
Speaker 1: to not say something. And you know, I was giving
Speaker 1: this example. When I do meet and greets and someone
Speaker 1: touches me in appropriately, it's a bigger thing. I have
Speaker 1: to stay around that person longer if I go, will
Speaker 1: you please not touch me there? This is a little
Speaker 1: tight Why are you grabbing my boob? Then they go
Speaker 1: I didn't know, And then I have to go and
Speaker 1: they'll go, I'm not the type of guy that does that, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm so embarrassed. Then then all of a sudden, Matt
Speaker 1: gets involved. Then you get involved. Then the guy goes
Speaker 1: away and he's being Then now he's getting order and
Speaker 1: he won't leave because he did. He's misunderstood, and he's
Speaker 1: embarrassed that he got caught. Then eventually I have to go, sir,
Speaker 1: it's okay, I just didn't like it, and he'll go,
Speaker 1: that's not who I am. Then I have to talk
Speaker 1: to this man for probably ten more minutes and have
Speaker 1: to listen to him apologize and then apologize to him
Speaker 1: for taking his thing the wrong way. And it's like,
Speaker 1: because people can't when they get confronted, they get defensive instantly.
Speaker 1: What's never their fault? I mean I had a moment
Speaker 1: like that on the subway years ago, the same way
Speaker 1: where there was a um I believe to be a
Speaker 1: like a Middle Eastern man. He was holding a briefcase
Speaker 1: that was like metal, which is obviously fine, but he
Speaker 1: was looking at his watch doing a countdown to himself
Speaker 1: while holding this briefcase with a very stern, sweaty look, which,
Speaker 1: if by all accounts, would be what a bomber would
Speaker 1: probably look like if you had to draw it up,
Speaker 1: if you had to cast it. And he's going, you know,
Speaker 1: in his native talkue like looking at his watch, holding
Speaker 1: the briefcase and cast it. If you're like a racist,
Speaker 1: like stereotypical caster, don't come at me for being like,
Speaker 1: why would you cast him if he looked like that? Yeah,
Speaker 1: So so he's going, he's going right and like really
Speaker 1: stern and like no one else has seen that. And
Speaker 1: I'm like my imagining this. And then I go, if
Speaker 1: I called this guy out and go I think he
Speaker 1: has a bomb, he has a I would And then
Speaker 1: he doesn't. He goes, what are you doing? I'm just
Speaker 1: because we don't want to look stupid, we don't want
Speaker 1: to look racist, we don't want to look yes, you know,
Speaker 1: So what I did is I got off at the
Speaker 1: next up and let other people go deal with it.
Speaker 1: Before I've done that before. I mean, this has happened
Speaker 1: to me on the train too. Before I did that,
Speaker 1: I stood talk about how dumb I am. I stood,
Speaker 1: I turned my back, and I like arch because I
Speaker 1: felt like, if the explosion comes, you want to arch
Speaker 1: your back and get into it. I wanted to go
Speaker 1: with the I would give anything for footage of you
Speaker 1: arching your back. I wanted to go with the bomb.
Speaker 1: And then I got off on like forty second, like
Speaker 1: just kept checking your phone to see if there were
Speaker 1: any loads. Oh my god, you see something, say something
Speaker 1: that's not easy man. Well, dude, I was on a
Speaker 1: plane waiting for the bathroom at the very back of
Speaker 1: the plane, and I saw a guy with his laptop
Speaker 1: out and um, he had his laptop about and it
Speaker 1: was the controls to a seven forties seven, Like he
Speaker 1: was like the cockpit, like a simulation of the cockpit,
Speaker 1: and he looks shady. He's in the back, no one's
Speaker 1: paying attention, it's dark, and he's like going over the
Speaker 1: controls and I was like, oh my god. And then
Speaker 1: I saw he was wearing shorts and I was like
Speaker 1: we're fine. Wait, wait, I care why did shorts make
Speaker 1: you feel for some reason him wearing shorts? I go,
Speaker 1: this guy is not a terrorist. I just I relaxed,
Speaker 1: and he was too obvious about it. I'm like, he
Speaker 1: would have a screen dim he would not be practicing
Speaker 1: in the back like you go through, Like how obvious
Speaker 1: this would look. But I have always said, there's so
Speaker 1: many times where women do not get attacked or they
Speaker 1: just they don't want to be rude. They don't want to,
Speaker 1: you know, say I feel unsafe right now, because they
Speaker 1: might make that guy feel uncomfortable, white, black, whatever he is.
Speaker 1: It might make the person uncomfortable to be like I
Speaker 1: don't want you. I don't want to help you find
Speaker 1: a dog right now, or I don't want to help
Speaker 1: you carry this thing to your car. Injured man, because
Speaker 1: even though you have the sneaking little voice in your
Speaker 1: back of your head that goes this he could kill you,
Speaker 1: you just go this is that's too embarrassing. You know
Speaker 1: the classic story. I humiliated myself when I ran away
Speaker 1: from a guy that I thought was going to murder me.
Speaker 1: He didn't murder me, and I was embarrassed when he
Speaker 1: didn't but that's insane to be embarrassed, like, I'm so
Speaker 1: sorry you didn't murder me, but I thought I was,
Speaker 1: and I honored that fear. Um, But sometimes that fear
Speaker 1: is based on racist stereotypes, and so that is it's difficulty.
Speaker 1: There's some kind of maybe there's a ted talk on this,
Speaker 1: maybe there's something I'm sure they're kind of information out
Speaker 1: there of like how to address something that you're afraid
Speaker 1: of without I mean, I'm sure black people do with
Speaker 1: it all the time. I'm a woman crossing the streets
Speaker 1: a cop, a white cop. They see a white cop
Speaker 1: who seems angry, they probably feel the same way. And
Speaker 1: then you go, hey, this white cops seems a little racist.
Speaker 1: Oh well, how do you know, what are you doing?
Speaker 1: He's not racist? Like, you can't, you can't, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm like, that fucking horrible thing that happened in Buffalo.
Speaker 1: I'm sure someone so many times people like this kid
Speaker 1: was on the FBI list or some shooters, and then
Speaker 1: they're like, my god, I'm reading this fucking Columbine book.
Speaker 1: I can't even believe it's so fucking good. You know,
Speaker 1: there was yeah, oh yeah, I mean I gotta wait
Speaker 1: twenty five years to read a book about that. But
Speaker 1: I'm really backed up with my mass shootings and all
Speaker 1: the information I can clean. I'm like, I can't hear
Speaker 1: anything about this. I'm in the middle of combine. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: that I mean that is. But I'm sure someone saw
Speaker 1: this motherfucker at some point and was like, that looks
Speaker 1: like a bag that he has a gun in it,
Speaker 1: or but a white guy with an AK forty seven.
Speaker 1: You go, ah, he's just he's he's just having fun
Speaker 1: doing it. Why does an eighteen year old need to
Speaker 1: buy a bush Master? Like? Why do you? But but
Speaker 1: the thing is, I was asking Chris the yesday, go
Speaker 1: why would it's like a you know, a god. Well,
Speaker 1: it sounds terrible, but I think it's like a gun
Speaker 1: that can kill a lot of Like it's it's a
Speaker 1: it's a weapon that is not used typically for like
Speaker 1: hunting animals or whatever it's like. And he goes, I
Speaker 1: go target practice. The only thing is target practice. Why
Speaker 1: don't we stop doing target Like does anyone need that
Speaker 1: kind of gone? What is an eighteen year old boy
Speaker 1: that has a you know, a web blog about with
Speaker 1: you know, if you have a manifest you should google
Speaker 1: someone's name if they have a manifesto online, how about
Speaker 1: they don't get sold a gun. But we're so beyond
Speaker 1: to that, it's insane. The FBI, I mean, they let
Speaker 1: a bunch of gymnasts get molested for years and they
Speaker 1: failed at that. You know, dude combinaire, he had been
Speaker 1: reported twenty times to the local and there was an
Speaker 1: affidavid uh for a search warrant because there was speculation
Speaker 1: that he was building pipe pipe bombs that was never
Speaker 1: never followed up on. So and then they cover then
Speaker 1: Columbine and covered that up forever. You know, the police
Speaker 1: force covered that up that there was ever calls in
Speaker 1: and like there's all this they knew, but you don't
Speaker 1: think how many times it doesn't turn into a school
Speaker 1: shooting and they go, this is a waste of our
Speaker 1: kids are building things. These are like false reports. That's
Speaker 1: just how much of it is laziness? How many times?
Speaker 1: Like how many other reports are they getting though? Like
Speaker 1: that's what I want to know. I want to know
Speaker 1: how many how many other kids are getting called on
Speaker 1: twenty times? Like that can't be. That has to be
Speaker 1: an anomaly, right, Like yes, I mean like it's the
Speaker 1: boy that cried wolf, essentially like oh, oh, here's Eric
Speaker 1: whatever again doing whatever. The family that reported him twenty times. Um,
Speaker 1: they in the in the post, you know, in the
Speaker 1: weeks after Columbine they were actually being targeted, as they
Speaker 1: knew and they should and they're like, we tried to
Speaker 1: do something and it was like nobody and they only
Speaker 1: knew because their son was friends with him. That's how
Speaker 1: they knew. And so then they turned into like you
Speaker 1: were probably in your son was an accomplice, So they
Speaker 1: they were ones that were trying to prevent it before
Speaker 1: whatever happened. They ended up being like, why do you
Speaker 1: notice inside information? Well, because like very that book is
Speaker 1: so damn good. I know, like I'm a morbid person
Speaker 1: who likes to read about this kind of stuff, but
Speaker 1: I did not know how great whatever this guy. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna find whatever he else he's written. It's so good. Um.
Speaker 1: But speaking of things that you should consume, my show
Speaker 1: fourth episode aired last night and it was so freaking
Speaker 1: good and we have to get in the news. But um,
Speaker 1: it was me going to it was us going to Chicago,
Speaker 1: going to the Bird Place, um, and then us doing
Speaker 1: a show, me worrying about Um, doing bits in front
Speaker 1: of my parents and Chris and my parents are in
Speaker 1: the balcony like those muppets from it, like they are
Speaker 1: so well. I had to skip past that part. I
Speaker 1: couldn't watch it because I just didn't want to watch
Speaker 1: what they had to hear. And and then yeah, it's
Speaker 1: it's a good episode. That's really funny. I mean I
Speaker 1: look bad in a lot of scenes. I'm just like,
Speaker 1: oh boy, it's it's it was my purpose to look bad,
Speaker 1: like not my purpose, but I didn't try to look great,
Speaker 1: and it just doesn't you rebelling against your mom again,
Speaker 1: just like right like the whole idea of her cleaning
Speaker 1: the house. Yeah, you're like, I'm just gonna show who
Speaker 1: I am. I'm not going to be cool. Boy called
Speaker 1: out scary Wait wait okay for the truck but whatever,
Speaker 1: Oh for that, I mean that was supposed to be
Speaker 1: Could it was a just course? Yeah? You can't get
Speaker 1: called kit for that? I got, I got could it could? Okay,
Speaker 1: let's get to the news and then we'll talk a
Speaker 1: little bit more about we'll cover the wedding. All throughout
Speaker 1: the weddings, we didn't get some yea my wedding, well
Speaker 1: not my real wedding, but the one I went to
Speaker 1: this weekend. We both went. It was a wedding weekend.
Speaker 1: Let's get to the news first. First, you heard it
Speaker 1: here first, apparently of the heard it. I hope you
Speaker 1: had a great weekend. We had a wedding weekend. We
Speaker 1: had all the swells, so for a couple of things
Speaker 1: there and then uh, yeah it was it was all
Speaker 1: the swells though. I hope you had all the swells
Speaker 1: and you know, just swelling up. Everybody swells over there.
Speaker 1: If you're getting too swelly, don't worry about it. Let's
Speaker 1: just get to the news now, do you know? All right, Well,
Speaker 1: tell me if you saw this trend happening at the
Speaker 1: weddings you're at this weekend, Move over, duck pout. It's
Speaker 1: all about dead face dead dead face influencers are adopting
Speaker 1: a disassociated gaze with rolled eyes and a blank expression
Speaker 1: because it lets them express beauty ironically. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: beauty ironically is it's like being beautiful while you're not
Speaker 1: trying to look beautiful? What is it? Let me see it? No,
Speaker 1: that's that looks like you just finished a race. Okay,
Speaker 1: so what do you want more? Sexy like you're I
Speaker 1: don't I think closet. Okay, close your mouth or if
Speaker 1: you open it, you just kind of you don't stick
Speaker 1: your tongue out like you are. You just go like, okay,
Speaker 1: so half dead, so do it. M roll your like
Speaker 1: stop mid roll, don't roll your eyes full there you go. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just kind of like yeah, dead dead eyes, dead dead face.
Speaker 1: Um yeah, I see this all the time. Yeah, it's, um,
Speaker 1: you look cute if you're young and you look like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm playing dead because I'm so far from death. But
Speaker 1: the older you get, you shouldn't be doing dead face
Speaker 1: because you're you're close to the gray honey. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: where it's ironically because you're Yeah, or if you're wearing
Speaker 1: like an old man sweater, you're like a darling little
Speaker 1: just exemple bies how young you are because it looks
Speaker 1: so different. Um No, I didn't see this at the wedding.
Speaker 1: I saw um I was completely overdressed. So overdressed I
Speaker 1: tried to I bought two stresses from Reformation based on
Speaker 1: Brenda got Hers. I bought them a size too big
Speaker 1: so they looked like I was going to like I
Speaker 1: was part of part of some like Mormon coming of
Speaker 1: age ceremony and those, so I trashed those. The only
Speaker 1: thing that fit me was this dress that it was
Speaker 1: far too dressy, but it was so it's so cute.
Speaker 1: I mean, it just looked like I was trying to
Speaker 1: be like the center of attention. It was just too much.
Speaker 1: It at a country club, it was just a nice
Speaker 1: reception outside and mine was like a sparkly pink dress
Speaker 1: and it was just too much. And I felt like
Speaker 1: if I saw myself, I'd be like, she wants us
Speaker 1: all to know she's on TV. She's got to stand out.
Speaker 1: And it just was a little like but in the end,
Speaker 1: but I got a lot of compliments, and I would
Speaker 1: always say I overdressed. I know I did. It's the
Speaker 1: only thing that fit me. And um, yeah, but it's
Speaker 1: still such a cute dress. Loved my luck, um, And
Speaker 1: yeah there was. I did a roast at the beginning
Speaker 1: of it with Chris. Chris and I roasted Um, Tim
Speaker 1: and his bride and that was really fun. We wrote
Speaker 1: roast jokes on the way up, um and that was
Speaker 1: well received. I danced a lot Um. There was a
Speaker 1: good band called Entourage that played the wedding. If you're
Speaker 1: getting married in the Skokie, Illinois area. It's such a
Speaker 1: I think I've only heard that word like or that
Speaker 1: town as a joke, Skokie Skulky, Illinois. It just seems
Speaker 1: like such a fun a punchline, usual suspect. That's how
Speaker 1: he finds out who Kaiser associate is. It's one of
Speaker 1: those things spoiler alert. He was a band in a
Speaker 1: quartet in Skokie, Illinois, and he like put it together.
Speaker 1: And my mom was born and raised it's a big
Speaker 1: Jewish population. What was your favorite part of the wedding.
Speaker 1: It was a great wedding. Like other than like it
Speaker 1: was a lot of reality show people, so everyone wanted
Speaker 1: to be the start anything. But other than that, like
Speaker 1: the family, the speeches were phenomenal. They were all from
Speaker 1: the heart. They were great speeches. They weren't like overdone,
Speaker 1: like I don't know, like I loved I love that
Speaker 1: good food. It was on the beach. The weather was shitty,
Speaker 1: but it kind of like. The opposites played well. Were
Speaker 1: their vows so romantic and sweet? The vowel quick vowels.
Speaker 1: I love a quick yes. The judge d D duh
Speaker 1: was very funny, but like maybe overleaf like trying this
Speaker 1: but did a good job. But did a good job.
Speaker 1: Um yeah, all in all, a lot of a little
Speaker 1: bit of drama was there partying afterwards, but got out.
Speaker 1: Didn't do it because it required you to be drunk
Speaker 1: it away that you weren't. I didn't want to do it,
Speaker 1: and we were saying a little drama. Yeah, it was drama.
Speaker 1: A lot of dance, crying going on dance crying people
Speaker 1: crying while dancing. Wow, that only happened to There was
Speaker 1: a nephew at the thing that was he was three
Speaker 1: and he was crying and I picked him up to
Speaker 1: comfort him, and everyone saw me with him and go
Speaker 1: what did you do to him? And I'm like, I'm comfortable.
Speaker 1: He was crying before I picked him up, like but
Speaker 1: everyone and then he kept crying more because everyone that
Speaker 1: looked at him would go oh no and give him
Speaker 1: that face of like oh, and then he feels like
Speaker 1: he's an idiot for crying. So I was just trying
Speaker 1: to get him away from people so I could be like,
Speaker 1: let's look at this like like, because I think when
Speaker 1: a lot of times when kids cry, like yes, they
Speaker 1: want attention, which he was getting from me. I was
Speaker 1: holding him. He wanted to be in my arms, like
Speaker 1: he gave into it. And then as soon as I
Speaker 1: held him, everyone looked at me like I was the
Speaker 1: one making him crying like that I was like preventing
Speaker 1: him from going to find his mom or whatever. But
Speaker 1: it wasn't that. I was like, actually I could. I
Speaker 1: could feel him like relieved in my arms. And then
Speaker 1: suddenly everyone's coming up being like what's wrong, and he
Speaker 1: felt so embarrassed, and then eventually he just like runs
Speaker 1: out of my arms and I'm like, god, I was
Speaker 1: so close. Look at this woman dressed up and everyone else.
Speaker 1: There were a lot of fans there, a girl Sassy.
Speaker 1: Shout out to Sassy, she's a bestie. I was walking by,
Speaker 1: and it was funny because as soon as people got
Speaker 1: a little bit more booze in them, they were more
Speaker 1: comfortable like being like hey, I like you, or like
Speaker 1: I know you or whatever. Um. But Sassy, I walked
Speaker 1: by her. She was so cute. She was the one
Speaker 1: at the wedding that I was like, I bet she
Speaker 1: dated Chris or something because she's so beautiful and like,
Speaker 1: I wonder how they all know her like this, This
Speaker 1: one's one to watch like she was just so hot.
Speaker 1: I was like, I love her dress, I love everything
Speaker 1: about her. I was like a little bit like jealous, like, oh,
Speaker 1: she probably hates me because she probably thinks I'm like
Speaker 1: trying to actually I'm not as cute as she is.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I was protecting lunch so much. I
Speaker 1: was just like, she really hates me because she's like
Speaker 1: the cutest one here, and I'm probably getting more attention
Speaker 1: because I'm like a dumb reality celebrity when really she
Speaker 1: should be the center of attention because she's like really hot.
Speaker 1: And then I was walking by her and she just
Speaker 1: goes Bestie and I go and she was like, I'm
Speaker 1: so embarrassed, but I like And then she showed me
Speaker 1: your text thread and she had sent like a mysterious
Speaker 1: picture that she snuck from like she was behind me
Speaker 1: being like there she is, like she was such a fan.
Speaker 1: So shout out to Sassy. I'm sorry I assume so
Speaker 1: much about you, but you're just hot and Brittie, next story,
Speaker 1: you gotta take a dead face picture with her next time.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Yes, okay um. This is a story
Speaker 1: submitted by bestie eric uh a Canadian university is offering
Speaker 1: a course about Taylor Swift and her literary legacy. If
Speaker 1: you're a student at Queen's University in Ontario, I will
Speaker 1: be in the fall. Hey, you can try and get
Speaker 1: into a new course where you could study Swift's music,
Speaker 1: the literature. She references her films and her music videos,
Speaker 1: um and apparently the topic of the cultural studies course
Speaker 1: changes each year. So these people are just lucky to
Speaker 1: have that as the subject. I think it's a great
Speaker 1: move for universities to have a Taylor Swift course. It
Speaker 1: gets in people. Swifties are die hard. There's a lot
Speaker 1: in high school right now. You'll get attention, you'll get
Speaker 1: to get press, people will enroll like these classes. There's
Speaker 1: a lot of this going on right now with Swift.
Speaker 1: There's a new one every week. Even though in college
Speaker 1: cheating on everything and didn't really go to class, but
Speaker 1: there was like a class on Tom Petty. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I took a jazz class and all we
Speaker 1: did was watched Ken Burns Jazz series and it was awesome.
Speaker 1: It was awesome. I loved it. You don't have to
Speaker 1: learn any theory music theory, no, no, no no, just learned
Speaker 1: about the history of jazz, and then there was supplemental
Speaker 1: things that we had to do for it as well.
Speaker 1: But um, I yeah, I loved any kind of class
Speaker 1: like that. What you really do is learn how to
Speaker 1: analyze art, which is a you know, it's just a
Speaker 1: good thing to do to be smarter, I think, is
Speaker 1: to learn how to analyze and write about art and
Speaker 1: how to take it apart. And I also think as
Speaker 1: a kid, like a teenager, like even in college, like
Speaker 1: some of his poetry it's too much like with these
Speaker 1: like double on and all that ship, you know, like,
Speaker 1: I don't need I just want really like, I love
Speaker 1: poetry if it's if it's bottle throttle, simple rhymes, simple rhymes,
Speaker 1: a b a bam, that's what I like. I don't
Speaker 1: need to like, you know, I don't want to put it,
Speaker 1: put it together, Ye give it. And I feel like
Speaker 1: Taylor Swift. She she does that a little bit, but
Speaker 1: usually you get you get, man, she's got so many
Speaker 1: things going on that you don't even know. Oh she's
Speaker 1: she's talking in all these little twists and turns and
Speaker 1: calling back to things that you didn't like. The depth
Speaker 1: of what she's capable of is insane. When she or
Speaker 1: do people put it on that, like, do people you know?
Speaker 1: There's sometimes people are like, well, she included thirteen letters
Speaker 1: in this one, you know verse, and then in the
Speaker 1: next one it's five letters, and then the next one
Speaker 1: is thirteen. That means that on five thirteen, she's going
Speaker 1: to be releasing this. Like so people do go crazy
Speaker 1: about stuff, but there's um, there's a lot that she
Speaker 1: does that I go, whoa, this girl is thinking. She's
Speaker 1: thinking on another level. Man. There was this one clip
Speaker 1: about um Kendrick Lamar. He does this song about forget
Speaker 1: what it's about, but it's about the just the numerology
Speaker 1: that happens within it of like the things he's talking
Speaker 1: about the number of uh you know versus add up
Speaker 1: to the number of things, and he's I mean it
Speaker 1: is like, you know, your mind does like a beautiful
Speaker 1: mind like tricks like this guy broke it down of
Speaker 1: all the numerology that's happening within it, and it's insane.
Speaker 1: I'll say it. I'll do a Reddit on it. I know.
Speaker 1: I just as an artist, I just go God, I
Speaker 1: am just not when I see stuff like that where
Speaker 1: they're doing cryptic things where it's like this sub meaning
Speaker 1: of this is referencing back to this, and then you
Speaker 1: add these up and then it equals this, and that's
Speaker 1: not gonna pay off until the third album, which she
Speaker 1: knew was coming in through Like I just I go,
Speaker 1: I am just really not. I'm an idiot. I don't
Speaker 1: do anything special like that. Mine's very just simple, just
Speaker 1: is what it. There's no I mean, how many comics
Speaker 1: are like not filling into blanks for people. I mean
Speaker 1: there is that that alternative comedy where it's like we're
Speaker 1: not doing jokes where you should understand it just how
Speaker 1: it is, or based off an attitude or and I
Speaker 1: think sometimes though artists though don't intentionally do it, and
Speaker 1: that by observing art you can actually sense something that's
Speaker 1: going on in this artist's life that they didn't even
Speaker 1: intend to tell you, and you can get it right
Speaker 1: about it, which I think is very interesting because you
Speaker 1: could if if they go on to study my stuff,
Speaker 1: they'll be able to find things about me that I
Speaker 1: didn't even know I was telling people maybe payoff in
Speaker 1: later works that I wasn't even able to see at
Speaker 1: the time. But like, oh, she was foreshadowing this, but
Speaker 1: it's like no, I wasn't. I just didn't know what
Speaker 1: was going on. Um, there's this thing that keeps popping
Speaker 1: up for me right now, which is so weird is
Speaker 1: that Anya told me, I guess a couple of weeks ago.
Speaker 1: She was like, you know, Matt was talking about your
Speaker 1: Matt Pond, my tour manager, and um, you know friend
Speaker 1: musician he was talking about. He was like, you know,
Speaker 1: Nikki talks about really dirty things, and you know, is
Speaker 1: really wacky and goofy and gross sometimes, but like, overall,
Speaker 1: she's very wholesome. Nick He's a wholesome person. And that's
Speaker 1: the first time I've ever heard that, right. She was like,
Speaker 1: it was just so cute that Matt was like, Nicky's
Speaker 1: actually really wholesome. She loves her family. She really loves
Speaker 1: that people because they haven't a like I have a
Speaker 1: friend be like, dude, did she like funk all the time.
Speaker 1: I'm like, she's so not that whatever whatever you're getting.
Speaker 1: I've never been described as wholesome, but Matt said it,
Speaker 1: and I I've always been trying to communicate like I
Speaker 1: am not what people think of me, but I've never
Speaker 1: thought of wholesome. I would never describe myself as that.
Speaker 1: It's almost like the word adorable where I'm like so
Speaker 1: flattered people think I'm wholesome and then so weird because
Speaker 1: I keep hearing wholesome about myself and so I'm like,
Speaker 1: did I talk about the podcast? Why do people keep
Speaker 1: saying wholesome to me? It is a review I've been
Speaker 1: getting people right to me or like, you're so wholesome.
Speaker 1: I love that your comedy is wholesome. You have a
Speaker 1: wholesome message, like it's do you ever like start seeing
Speaker 1: something everywhere and like it takes one thing to unleash
Speaker 1: it and you get everywhere anything of My friend last
Speaker 1: night was like I love your show. I can watch
Speaker 1: it with my mom. It's so wholesome. And I go,
Speaker 1: did you hear me stay wholesome? And how I like
Speaker 1: that on the Pockets? Did I mentioned on the podcast
Speaker 1: that I've been getting that? She's like no, And I'm like,
Speaker 1: that is so weird. It's so nice. Yeah, I've never
Speaker 1: I get what you're saying. It's almost like everyone like
Speaker 1: you know, your phone listens to you, but everybody's listening. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: did the message get out? But I do think that
Speaker 1: the TV show you know, it is it? I mean
Speaker 1: compared to what reality TV has become even if you
Speaker 1: are saying dirty words or you're acted or whatever, like
Speaker 1: the idea that we're not trying to stab each other
Speaker 1: in the back and we're not talking to the camera
Speaker 1: like this fucking bitch Nikki thinks she's my boss and
Speaker 1: she's gonna fucking do this. I'm gonna cut her in
Speaker 1: the middle two. Yeah, well that would be pretty cool. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's coming into your life. That came through on last
Speaker 1: night's episode because even though you were talking about like
Speaker 1: your your act on stage and talking about anal and
Speaker 1: sucking at dick where it gets to your heart and
Speaker 1: stuff like that, it's just so funny. Um. In the testimonials,
Speaker 1: you were also talking about I haven't slept with with
Speaker 1: anyone except for Chris, and like eight years it's been.
Speaker 1: It's been eight years already in the last two I've
Speaker 1: I've been totally celibate. So yes, you know, it's that
Speaker 1: like dichotomy or whatever. And I'm not lying on stage,
Speaker 1: it's just people are not contextualizing it. Like I talk
Speaker 1: about sex on stage, but they don't realize it's with
Speaker 1: the same person. And I you know, maybe you say
Speaker 1: that they cut, they cut. I know, you do say
Speaker 1: that at some point. Sometimes in your act you'll say,
Speaker 1: I only the same person for eight years. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: I and they cut the scene with my parents last night,
Speaker 1: and thank god because my parents were like, Nikki, you
Speaker 1: need to have them cut that. I can't believe you
Speaker 1: said that. My mom was so horrified. But I was, like,
Speaker 1: I feel like a porn star a lot of times,
Speaker 1: with how like embarrassed people are of what I do,
Speaker 1: and they just they kind of wink at me, like
Speaker 1: I've seen you and like I and I say that
Speaker 1: with like I love porn stars, and I can only
Speaker 1: imagine what it's like for them to like be proud
Speaker 1: of their work and have to go out and always
Speaker 1: act ashamed and have other people like ashamed on behalf
Speaker 1: of them, and have their families be like, well, we
Speaker 1: can't watch your stuff. It's like I don't want you
Speaker 1: to just let me. I don't I don't want to
Speaker 1: go watch you. Well shit, you know, like you don't
Speaker 1: have to know. We don't need to talk about my
Speaker 1: profession all the time, but this bad thing. It goes
Speaker 1: back to that feeling though that your mother wouldn't want
Speaker 1: to watch you perform. Every porn star probably feels. I mean,
Speaker 1: it'd be weird if the parents like, I facking love
Speaker 1: watching my daughter fuck but but like that feeling like
Speaker 1: every porn stars that feeling my mom saying I wouldn't
Speaker 1: watch any porn like that like my daughter. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: my mom said, I wouldn't watch if she wasn't my daughter,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want her so like, it wasn't about me,
Speaker 1: it was about the content. She doesn't like my content.
Speaker 1: If someone else was doing my content, she would not
Speaker 1: care to see it. Oh, okay, so across the board,
Speaker 1: she wouldn't watch any porn. No, like, well, it would
Speaker 1: be just my mom being like, I don't like her
Speaker 1: music because like my mom being like if your mom
Speaker 1: was Cardi Bees, if Cardi B's mom said to her,
Speaker 1: I can't listen to my daughter, not because she's if
Speaker 1: she wasn't my daughter, you think your mom would say
Speaker 1: if she wasn't my daughter, I would love wop. But
Speaker 1: hearing my daughter saying that, it's hard. No, it's like
Speaker 1: I wouldn't even like this song if it wasn't you.
Speaker 1: I just don't like what you do. And I yeah,
Speaker 1: as a porn start, my mom doesn't watch porn so
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be hurt if my mom was like, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't watch you even if you weren't my daughter. But
Speaker 1: when you're a comedian and your mom does like comedians,
Speaker 1: you're like, I wasn't. Yeah, we gotta go to brake.
Speaker 1: Let's come back with why do I care? Well, I'll
Speaker 1: be like, I like watching so many other women. It's
Speaker 1: not even a daughter issue. It wasn't you. I just
Speaker 1: don't like the way you move your hips. All right,
Speaker 1: we're back. Why do I care? We killed so many
Speaker 1: stories due Oh my god? Why do I care? All right? Um,
Speaker 1: Megan Fox tells a stylist she cut a hole in
Speaker 1: her blue jumpsuit to have sex with Machine Gun Kelly.
Speaker 1: It was hard to get off or something, and they
Speaker 1: were just like eager. She was wear it out again, right,
Speaker 1: here's it was like this sequined blue it was very
Speaker 1: cute jumpsuit. And here's what she wrote to her stylist
Speaker 1: was this blue outfit expensive because we just cut a
Speaker 1: hole in the crotch so we could have sex. The
Speaker 1: stylist responded, I hate you, alongside three laughing emojis, before
Speaker 1: adding I'll fix it. Okay, So it's probably at the
Speaker 1: end of the night, like she didn't want to take
Speaker 1: it off. It's so hot to like have sex when
Speaker 1: you have clothes on. There's something hot about it. Had
Speaker 1: about destroying property in order to just get it in
Speaker 1: and not like just you want it so bad, you know,
Speaker 1: slid your panties to the side, like that jay Z
Speaker 1: line in that one song, like is so hot to
Speaker 1: me of just like just disrespecting clothes, someone cutting something
Speaker 1: off of you, someone ripping it. So, yeah, I like it.
Speaker 1: I like them again, I do like them very cut points,
Speaker 1: but yeah, they're they're they're very I go back and
Speaker 1: forth on whether I hate Machine Gun Kelly or not.
Speaker 1: But I do think like he just likes this what
Speaker 1: he's doing. Really, I don't think it's just for the
Speaker 1: likes and what he you know what I mean. I
Speaker 1: just think he might like the likes though, Like you
Speaker 1: might just like the feeling of getting likes. And is
Speaker 1: that is that wrong that that's what you like? You know?
Speaker 1: Or you like to have people go he's cool, Like
Speaker 1: you might like that, So that is that wrong? Like
Speaker 1: I just was watching a video of him. I showed
Speaker 1: you this video from back in the day where he's
Speaker 1: just in a bookstore or whatever, a music store and
Speaker 1: he's just wrapping with a backwards held a white T
Speaker 1: shirt and he fucking owns it, like owns it, and
Speaker 1: you go, well, you're already good enough to to be
Speaker 1: somewhat of them. He wanted to be a star, like
Speaker 1: like Kanye want to be a fashion icon. He wants
Speaker 1: to He wanted to delve into fashion a bit more.
Speaker 1: I mean, you change your look up. You're not wearing
Speaker 1: boots because you once wore dirty tennis shoes. Doesn't mean
Speaker 1: like he was himself in those dirty touches. Why was
Speaker 1: he wearing boots like you know you're allowed to try.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you're I get it. I I go through
Speaker 1: that too, of like yeah, you just I just want
Speaker 1: people to like me for me, and why is not
Speaker 1: me enough? Because we're all human and on a human level,
Speaker 1: I should be able to connect with you without going
Speaker 1: over the top for you having to notice me. Yes,
Speaker 1: but you're like but then also wanting to do that
Speaker 1: so that you get that love because you realize it
Speaker 1: is contingent, like I was doing. I was doing Caitlin
Speaker 1: Bristo's podcast other day. She's from you know you've had
Speaker 1: her on your podcast. Um it's called Off the Vine.
Speaker 1: I think it's gonna be on this week. But at
Speaker 1: one point she's like talking about, like, you know, like
Speaker 1: the people that love you, they're gonna love you despite
Speaker 1: what you look like and despite what you'reit, and I go, no,
Speaker 1: I like, there's a part of me that likes you
Speaker 1: because you're cute. I like your hair, I like your fashion,
Speaker 1: I like your face. I I'm not gonna like Caitlin
Speaker 1: I like you because you're cute. It's not, but I
Speaker 1: like it. I like, I really love it. Okay, good,
Speaker 1: Well it's leading to another piece that we do with
Speaker 1: seven years about love, and you'll see that I wasn't
Speaker 1: ready to tackle love at this point in my life
Speaker 1: because I was struggling with but I noticed a one
Speaker 1: three four in that. Um. It was funny though, to
Speaker 1: be able to say to her, like, yeah, like, you're
Speaker 1: not wrong for wanting to have worked on on your
Speaker 1: face or whatever, because just trying to get people to
Speaker 1: like us more, because it actually does get you to
Speaker 1: if you're prettier, people like you more. I mean, this
Speaker 1: is I've talked about this ad nauseum, but like this
Speaker 1: whole thing of like just worry about what's inside. Shut up,
Speaker 1: people care about the outside. Why do you think people
Speaker 1: were so fucking mad when my show interrupted the met
Speaker 1: Gala because you wanted to see what people looked like.
Speaker 1: We weren't seeing anyone's souls on that carpet. The fans
Speaker 1: were ravenous for my fucking soul and wanted to behead
Speaker 1: me because they cut off met Galla arrivals for my
Speaker 1: dumb reality show where I'm trying to be more real.
Speaker 1: It's like, no one wants more real. We like people
Speaker 1: that look shiny and pretty. Those people's souls left a
Speaker 1: long time. That's how they lost the weight. It's a
Speaker 1: new diet by Kim k Lose your soul, gain a follower.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you lose how many ounces? Is like two ounces?
Speaker 1: Your That's so funny. There's this new diet. If you're
Speaker 1: trying to shut that extra little bit of weight, there's
Speaker 1: a little it's your inner thighs where your soul. Yeah,
Speaker 1: solo cycle and the whole time you just kick dogs.
Speaker 1: It helps you get to a place where you don't
Speaker 1: you have no soul. Okay, let's get to our Monday
Speaker 1: Segment's Top one, bottom one. We are going to say
Speaker 1: the top and the bottom and you but you know
Speaker 1: that it's like twenty one grams or something is the
Speaker 1: weight of a soul. That's why that one movie is
Speaker 1: called It's about a soul. It's like they've noticed that
Speaker 1: when bodies die, the soul has apparently some sort of
Speaker 1: matter material, you know, weight to it, and it's it's grams.
Speaker 1: But for someone to go like, man, if I just
Speaker 1: become a sociopath, I can I can fit into these
Speaker 1: genes if I lose that extra two grams? Okay? Top
Speaker 1: one bottom? What's the category? Today's categories? Appliances? All appliances
Speaker 1: top one bottom one. I was looking around my kitchen.
Speaker 1: I was like, who do I love? Well appliances or
Speaker 1: anything like in your anywhere that it's just like things.
Speaker 1: What's the definition of an appliance? Can you look that up? Noah,
Speaker 1: because that is difficult. I was looking at I was
Speaker 1: in my bathroom when we came up with this, So
Speaker 1: I'm looking around my bathroom for stuff. But I think
Speaker 1: pliances are They're they're everywhere. Okay, what's your device or
Speaker 1: piece of equipment designed to perform a specific task, typically
Speaker 1: a domestic one, great Okay, that's robots. They're a little
Speaker 1: little bit. We don't think of them as robots. Their robots. Okay,
Speaker 1: so what are we going with? What's your least favorite appliance?
Speaker 1: I mean, this was tough, man. I I went with
Speaker 1: the toaster. I'm sorry, but just because you don't need it,
Speaker 1: I just don't use it. I don't use you. I
Speaker 1: put you away. I know you're sad in there. Yeah,
Speaker 1: oh god, I just keep burning so getting the food
Speaker 1: out of it. It's like, you know, you're getting the
Speaker 1: bread out if it's too small a bread. You're just
Speaker 1: a sad little guy in there. And I'm sorry, but yeah, toaster, toaster,
Speaker 1: although eggos are good in there. Okay, well, it seems
Speaker 1: like you're really torn on this. No, not that torn
Speaker 1: your toaster. You're down, Get out of here. What about
Speaker 1: you know? Mine has to be my vacuum cleaner. And
Speaker 1: the thing specifically about it that I hate, besides the
Speaker 1: fact that it's so heavy, is that the cord is
Speaker 1: not retractable, so it constantly gets tied up. I constantly
Speaker 1: run over it. It constantly falls off of the handle
Speaker 1: when I'm trying to carry around. The vacuum is so inconvenient.
Speaker 1: I would have never known of vacuums and appliance? Really
Speaker 1: did you know that? Yeah, well it's helping you. It's
Speaker 1: a domestic task. What did you think why would you
Speaker 1: think it isn't an appliance? I literally thought there was
Speaker 1: maybe would you think it was several appliances? But what what?
Speaker 1: Why wouldn't a vacuum an appliance? Like what, what in
Speaker 1: your mind is an appliance that avacuum does not? What
Speaker 1: do you think it was a car? A vehicle? Huh?
Speaker 1: Did you think it was appliance? No, the vacuum cluder?
Speaker 1: Did you think it was a vehicle? Yeah? Like, what
Speaker 1: would it be if it's not an appliance? Is a
Speaker 1: room bow on a plan? But what? But but think
Speaker 1: about what your definition of appliances? That makes that not? Like?
Speaker 1: What about it? I didn't know the definition of appliance
Speaker 1: until Noah, just right, you know? But some there was
Speaker 1: something in your mind though that was a vacuums not
Speaker 1: fit into everything in the kitchen and then the washer dryer.
Speaker 1: Other than that, nothing else applies to that. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: makes sense. What else is an appliant? What's an appliance
Speaker 1: in the bathroom? You were saying hair dryer, my my
Speaker 1: clothes steamer, the curling iron, hair straightener, electric toothbrush. Um,
Speaker 1: is everything an appliance? Now a humidifier, Um, curl curling
Speaker 1: rock those a set of curling things. I don't even
Speaker 1: know even when my life changed. An appliance or headphone
Speaker 1: because has to have like electricity charging it. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: have to like yeah, it has to work on its
Speaker 1: own computer. Yes, it's kind of like an electronic Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's more yeah, maybe not an appliance. It is a.
Speaker 1: It is a That's why I asked for the definition.
Speaker 1: It is murky. But I will say my least favorite. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what's your least favorite the bottom. My least favorite appliance
Speaker 1: is probably the dryer, because a dryer, although it's so beneficial,
Speaker 1: I just don't every single part of my like, all
Speaker 1: my clothes get shrunk no matter what. Um, they all
Speaker 1: get that like kind of dusty dryer look. And I
Speaker 1: do clean out the limp thing every single time. I
Speaker 1: just think dryers ruined clothes, and they never give me.
Speaker 1: I always convinced myself. A you know a lot of
Speaker 1: times you have like a huge packed, you know, washer
Speaker 1: and everything's wet and you kind of can't tell what's
Speaker 1: in it, and you just convince yourself like this is
Speaker 1: all good to go in the dryer. I oh, I
Speaker 1: never think, let me go piece by piece. I always
Speaker 1: just go it's fine. I remember I removed the things
Speaker 1: that are delicates that need to be And I always
Speaker 1: shrink things and then I give them to Onya because
Speaker 1: once they're shrunk they would fit her. So I've given
Speaker 1: many of like a really nice Isabel Murant sweater and
Speaker 1: or dressed to Aya because it just gets shrunk just enough.
Speaker 1: And there's nothing more annoying to me than short sleeves.
Speaker 1: When a sleeve. That's why all sweatshirts extra long, because
Speaker 1: I love having like baggy sleeves that can grip onto.
Speaker 1: If it even comes up at half an inch above
Speaker 1: my wrist, I am disgusted by it. And then I
Speaker 1: put it on the I step on the sleeve and
Speaker 1: then I pull it and I ripped the sleeve. It's
Speaker 1: a whole mess. I have a weird kind of shape body,
Speaker 1: a little bit weird where if I buy thirty three
Speaker 1: g I have to wear them a little bit. I
Speaker 1: do a lot of work to get the jeans to
Speaker 1: fit my weird body and then the dryer goes Remember
Speaker 1: you're like, you gotta go through it all again. I
Speaker 1: love the dryer, though, four jeans that are too big
Speaker 1: and you want to give them a little tightening, and like,
Speaker 1: there's some jeans I have that are baggy that you
Speaker 1: have the perfect amount. So but the dryer causes me,
Speaker 1: has caused me so much self hatred because I go
Speaker 1: other girls clothes are always so crisp or like so soft,
Speaker 1: and my dryer just like sucks the like and don't
Speaker 1: write to me about pat fabric softener and all this stuff.
Speaker 1: I've tried everything. There's something about me that is inherently stained.
Speaker 1: It's been a while and my clothes are just stiff
Speaker 1: and gross coming out of the dryer. And it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter about the toaster because the dryer fighting you back.
Speaker 1: I didn't even think about the toaster fighting back. If
Speaker 1: the toaster is plugged in, you're trying to get the
Speaker 1: ego out or a small piece of bread and you
Speaker 1: go in with a fork or knife. Can don't do that? Okay,
Speaker 1: favorite top appliance? Yes do you think that was like
Speaker 1: in just in cartoons? Turn it off? You can do
Speaker 1: it once it's off, but unplugged it and then you're fine. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're going in the bath with a toaster too, Okay,
Speaker 1: go electronics. You know these are things electricity. Yeah, okay, alright,
Speaker 1: I mean it's got to be. It's it's a tie.
Speaker 1: But I mean this is so hack. But dishwasher. I've
Speaker 1: lived in New York for seven years without change my answer.
Speaker 1: I don't. Dishwasher is my bottom. Who cares? Don't need it,
Speaker 1: never have, never will. I don't like it. It conserves water,
Speaker 1: it does, but I have to I have to wash
Speaker 1: off every dish before it goes in. I don't want
Speaker 1: any dish in the dishwasher to have anything on it. Wash. No,
Speaker 1: what you wash before wash? Right, So it's not conserving
Speaker 1: water for me. But like if you put in a
Speaker 1: dirty dish in the dishwasher, it doesn't always get clean.
Speaker 1: If it's a surprise. Yeah, if you leave a lot
Speaker 1: of old shop you run it every day. I just
Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe maybewher my dishes enough that when
Speaker 1: they're ready to go in the dish washer, I go,
Speaker 1: I've already cleaned this. It's ready to go. I've cleaned
Speaker 1: it a little bit. It's already ready, but there's no
Speaker 1: smudge on it. I don't care about germs, microscopic germs.
Speaker 1: If I can't say a germ, I don't give a
Speaker 1: funk about it. Dishwashers are a waste of space. I
Speaker 1: use I run them maybe once every two months. Here's
Speaker 1: the thing. I didn't have a dishwasher for seven or
Speaker 1: eight years living in New York, and that's how I
Speaker 1: got used to not having one. But now that I have,
Speaker 1: when I think it's a luxury in my mind, really,
Speaker 1: and and emptying it and everything you do all that,
Speaker 1: that's so much work. I don't like it. I kind
Speaker 1: of like the process. I'm learning to love the process.
Speaker 1: Know what's your top one so I can shoot all
Speaker 1: over it? Yeah, yeah, I was just you're gonna love it.
Speaker 1: You're not. You're not going to shoot on it because
Speaker 1: I'm not going to think it's an appliance. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you that probably not. It's it's definitely a little bit
Speaker 1: of a splurge. It's a it's an espresso milk froth.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that is a good appliance. Wait, wait, what
Speaker 1: is okay? So if froths hot and cold, frice coffee
Speaker 1: not coming in my mouth. I'll tell you that froth.
Speaker 1: I mean, your mouth is a frouth. Get some milk
Speaker 1: in there, you will get it foaming. His is lukewarm.
Speaker 1: You do a cold and a hot. He's got a
Speaker 1: just a body temperature. You don't need a dishwacher or
Speaker 1: a frothy. Froths oat milk, which because I don't drink
Speaker 1: cow's milk, I think it's gross. Uh if froth's almond
Speaker 1: milk like all like the milk alternatives and makes it
Speaker 1: nice and thick for me, and I use it every day. Yeah,
Speaker 1: every day. I love a frother. That's a good one.
Speaker 1: Um machine recently, yeah, yeah, I got one too. Well,
Speaker 1: we have whatever that is. It's the same. It comes
Speaker 1: in four anyways, go ahead, comes in for what Why
Speaker 1: didn't you pay different sizes? Someone bought it for us,
Speaker 1: So it comes in a little expressed. They come one
Speaker 1: to three four. So depending on how much coffee you want,
Speaker 1: you get the same amount a caffeine, but a smaller thing.
Speaker 1: That's literally on every single cappuccino machine is at the
Speaker 1: size that you want, and it is based on you
Speaker 1: put in one pot. So it's not like it's we
Speaker 1: had to have one out here that does the same
Speaker 1: thing that you use a million times, you would think
Speaker 1: you would think, Um, my favorite appliance is what I
Speaker 1: just got. I bought it the other night in the
Speaker 1: middle of the night. I was fucking so hot I
Speaker 1: couldn't sleep. My room would not get below sixty five degrees,
Speaker 1: even though and I like a good sixty one and
Speaker 1: my room usually does that because it's been It was
Speaker 1: ninety degrees last week. And so I bought the bed Jet,
Speaker 1: which is not a sponsor. I'm not saying any They
Speaker 1: didn't give me any kind of deal. But it's an
Speaker 1: air conditioner for your bed and you put UM. I
Speaker 1: bought special sheets that do so. It is a little
Speaker 1: tube that comes up the side of the leg of
Speaker 1: the bed onto the mattress and it's like almost like um,
Speaker 1: a vacuum for your car. It has like a little
Speaker 1: nozzle that attaches to your sheet and blows air into
Speaker 1: your sheets underneath you to keep you cool at night.
Speaker 1: So I am going no, I just bought a number
Speaker 1: one and we haven't even tried it. Yeah, I'm so
Speaker 1: excited about it. Seems like you're getting ahead of yourself.
Speaker 1: It better be worth it. It was Si. I was, so,
Speaker 1: I'm just tired of being hot when I sleep. I
Speaker 1: just don't want to ever be hot again. It just
Speaker 1: makes my sleep. Hell, I'm gonna feel like that. There's
Speaker 1: a guy on your sheets, just blowing on your that's
Speaker 1: the the added bonus. That's eight. Um. Sorry, oh that
Speaker 1: guy was we hired him. Um yeah, sometimes there are
Speaker 1: well you know for that for that episode of the
Speaker 1: episode that it was on last night, there was a
Speaker 1: guy in Chicago who was massaging my feet backstage. We
Speaker 1: hired him as like a bit because I'm always like
Speaker 1: I want a foot massage so bad backstage, and like
Speaker 1: it was a bit of me training to get Andrew
Speaker 1: a massage my feet. So it was going to be
Speaker 1: like a thing that paid off more than it did
Speaker 1: in the episode. It just looked like I had a
Speaker 1: random guy rubbing my feet backstage, but there was like
Speaker 1: a storyline beyond that that didn't end up like coming
Speaker 1: to fruition, but I that is my dream is to
Speaker 1: hire a messus every place I go. I need a
Speaker 1: masseus in St. Louis. By the way, if anyone knows
Speaker 1: of a good masseus, I am in desperative line I
Speaker 1: can't deal with this anymore. And I'm telling you, don't
Speaker 1: give me someone who's going to be gentle. I want.
Speaker 1: I want deep pressure. I want someone who gets in there.
Speaker 1: I want someone maybe who used as a tool because
Speaker 1: I feel bad for your hands. Yeah, I need an
Speaker 1: appliance on me. You would like a like a like
Speaker 1: a guy that probably would be best working in a
Speaker 1: dungeon who's above ground, Like there's a dungeon belowground or
Speaker 1: think it's yeah, an above ground You want to above
Speaker 1: ground dungeon where the guy doesn't wear leather, but it
Speaker 1: is strong like that and doesn't want to be friends
Speaker 1: with me. Yea just gets in, does the job, leaves,
Speaker 1: he doesn't whispers. Yeah, I would like them to come
Speaker 1: to me so that I don't have to get dressed
Speaker 1: and like get in my car and like see the
Speaker 1: light afterwards, I just want to go crawl into bed
Speaker 1: after I have it, to forget that I don't have
Speaker 1: anyone else comes to the house. Final thought, I don't
Speaker 1: like going to get massages because when I get dressed
Speaker 1: and I have this intimate like hand all over me,
Speaker 1: massaging me like lovingly, and then I have to just
Speaker 1: the end of it. I have to get dressed, I
Speaker 1: have to walk out into like the harsh light. I
Speaker 1: have to get in my car and like start my car,
Speaker 1: like then I have to drive. I'm just like it's
Speaker 1: just almost like when you have sex with someone and
Speaker 1: they're like, okay, leave and you're just sort of like
Speaker 1: what I thought we're going to hang out, Like not
Speaker 1: that I want to hang out with my mysterus. I
Speaker 1: just want to gently ease into real life again. I
Speaker 1: don't want to just be so you would like an
Speaker 1: hour of naptime after a massage, but I don't want
Speaker 1: to nap at I don't like those places that go, oh,
Speaker 1: you can just hang up by the spa and you
Speaker 1: can just get in these chairs in the quiet room.
Speaker 1: I know eventually I'm gonna have to get in my car.
Speaker 1: I want to I want someone to come over and
Speaker 1: I could just get right into bed and be in
Speaker 1: my place and you leave, okay. Yeah. The only thing
Speaker 1: with an alcohol is like then you have to have
Speaker 1: a little bit of maybe like awkwardness. Where do you
Speaker 1: want me to set up? Like I go right here
Speaker 1: and then I leave the room and and let them
Speaker 1: set up, and then I come back to them, like
Speaker 1: it's my panic of having people in my house, Like
Speaker 1: I just would tell them right here hotels. Sorry, um,
Speaker 1: I wanted to like yell about this, but now I'm
Speaker 1: like pretty calm about it. Uh it's the dishwasher thing. No, No,
Speaker 1: the I went to rent a car, h and I
Speaker 1: only have a debit card and they wouldn't run into me.
Speaker 1: And they go, we'll take a deposit of five. Actually,
Speaker 1: I go, that's fine. I have plenty money to pay
Speaker 1: for this car. They go, well, we're gonna run a
Speaker 1: credit check. I go, why are we bringing a credit
Speaker 1: check into a six Like, I'll pay cash? Like what
Speaker 1: what happened to fucking car companies where debit cards are
Speaker 1: the devil to them? And they wouldn't rent me the
Speaker 1: fucking car. After they don't let you. Do you need
Speaker 1: a credit card at a hotel? Oh maybe back in
Speaker 1: the day, but yeah, credit card? I know, I I know,
Speaker 1: I mean yeah, but I get it. It's it's thirty
Speaker 1: five whatever you And so I end up I end
Speaker 1: up taking an uber to the Hampton's but I couldn't
Speaker 1: do it, but I had a car out there luckily
Speaker 1: because check they wouldn't let you. After they did, they
Speaker 1: did a credit check my credit You want to know
Speaker 1: my credit score. It's like, yeah, six thirty one. I
Speaker 1: know that's bad. It's bad, but it's not like, yeah,
Speaker 1: under six d I think it's bad. I mean, so
Speaker 1: I have an okay credit score, I'm willing to pay
Speaker 1: an extra five and they still oh, and then they go,
Speaker 1: we can't cancel it. I go, what do you mean? Well,
Speaker 1: you did it through a third party, so I called it.
Speaker 1: I have to get on Expedia. The Expedia goes, we
Speaker 1: can't cancel it. We gotta call the car company. Jesus Christ,
Speaker 1: am I do? I have to work to get a
Speaker 1: cancel where they wouldn't give me, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: It's just like that's why so many times I just
Speaker 1: swallow the costs because I'm not willing to play this
Speaker 1: back and forth and just go Actually, the time I
Speaker 1: would spend on the phone is three of my time,
Speaker 1: so just take it. That's two guys blowing on your
Speaker 1: feet cold there. I know it's crazy, it's stupid, but
Speaker 1: I lose a lot of money by just being like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to deal with the hassle of it.
Speaker 1: I don't. I think these companies make it that way
Speaker 1: because they know people like me are just like you
Speaker 1: know what forgetting Yeah, I just don't want to deal
Speaker 1: with it. So I called in uber. I got the
Speaker 1: money back. I actually saving a hundred and fifty bucks.
Speaker 1: Is I used my buddy's truck out in the Hampton's.
Speaker 1: But we get there, his keys aren't the truck aren't there.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. That's like these like little
Speaker 1: things where you like, I'm just gonna have a relaxing time.
Speaker 1: I'm in the Hamptons. And what it stopped you from
Speaker 1: getting one bad credit? It's like the thing of like
Speaker 1: you can't do it if you can't, Yeah, you need
Speaker 1: to get this thing. But to get this thing, you
Speaker 1: need a thing to get the like, how do I
Speaker 1: get credit? Good credit? You need to get a credit card.
Speaker 1: How do I get a credit card? Um, well you
Speaker 1: have to have good credit. Well then what the funk
Speaker 1: am I gonna do? What's like getting a job and
Speaker 1: they're like you need three years experience. Well I need
Speaker 1: to get a job to get experience. It's it's just
Speaker 1: it's an ongoing cycle of like so you I could
Speaker 1: get a credit card, but you have to pay cash
Speaker 1: to get the you know what I mean, Like, if
Speaker 1: you have to give Bang America like two bucks for
Speaker 1: them to give you a credit card, you gotta pay
Speaker 1: upfront for the speaking up. I have to return a car.
Speaker 1: I rented a car for not but I'm looking for
Speaker 1: a new car, and so let me uh alexus RX
Speaker 1: for the weekend, and I gotta return it today. I
Speaker 1: didn't even have it from part of the weekend because
Speaker 1: I was in Chicago with the wedding. Um, but I
Speaker 1: gotta going you like a lot? Yeah, yeah, I like
Speaker 1: it a lot. I want to go test drive other stuff.
Speaker 1: There's other Lexis that I want to try out, and
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about trying out a four runner. I just
Speaker 1: let a land Cruiser toyotas but those are dope. But
Speaker 1: plus I want to do it. I didn't know if
Speaker 1: you knew what cars were. No, I really don't a
Speaker 1: lot of times, but I do know. Um no, it
Speaker 1: makes sense that you questioned it and then um, yeah,
Speaker 1: so I got to go do that today. I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh god, no, it's gonna be awkward because I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be like thank you, no thanks yet. And the problem is,
Speaker 1: like there was a perfect Lexus I found. It was
Speaker 1: the color of champagne, which is what I want, because
Speaker 1: no one wants that color. Everyone's thinking that's a good
Speaker 1: old person's color. I love it and you can't. And
Speaker 1: I found one Lexus it's like r X Champagne. And
Speaker 1: I waited because I didn't I didn't want to talk
Speaker 1: about it. I didn't want to wait because I had
Speaker 1: to go. I had another date and it wasn't with
Speaker 1: a guy, but the kind of date that you just
Speaker 1: want to sleep in late and you didn't get to
Speaker 1: so you have to go take a nap. So I said, no, snap,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna buy this car. I'll wait till next
Speaker 1: Monday and if it's still here then I'll know it's uh,
Speaker 1: not too far from me to get another car. But
Speaker 1: then I checked another car and it ended up being
Speaker 1: not the color I want. It's like a Cobalt, and
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going to co bolt out of
Speaker 1: this dealership and go try to find the car of
Speaker 1: my dreams and just never mind. Man, that's deep. It
Speaker 1: hit me in the heart. Sometimes it hits me so hard.
Speaker 1: I don't know where to start. I get sad sometimes
Speaker 1: I myself when I look in the mirror, because who
Speaker 1: am I if I'm not Shakira when I dance, my
Speaker 1: hips do lie? But do they lie or did they
Speaker 1: tell the truth? If you look up the numerology, you'll
Speaker 1: know that I'm the one and you're not. And okay,
Speaker 1: I was really waiting for something to run with ooze. Okay,
Speaker 1: I thank you for listening to the the show. We'll be
Speaker 1: here all week. Uh, thank you for sending news stories.
Speaker 1: And don't peka aji. Jackfish is it one? I'm short.
Speaker 1: There's a Jackfish outdoor guy, at least a guy named
Speaker 1: Jack Fish. Toyota