Speaker 1: The Niki Glaser Podcast Glaser Puss.
Speaker 2: Hi, everyone, it's NICKI, It's me. I'm here Niki Glazer
Speaker 2: in Los Angeles, California. We're doing it remote today. Brian's
Speaker 2: at his home in Culver City. Is that too specific?
Speaker 2: Do you not want people to even know?
Speaker 1: Like? I love Culver City. I'm a big fan of it,
Speaker 1: and I don't mind risking my life to promote It's.
Speaker 3: I'm sure that would be so ambitious if someone figured out,
Speaker 3: like and really made it their mission to figure out
Speaker 3: where you live based on just like, yeah, a place
Speaker 3: where thousands of people live.
Speaker 1: Where anybody lives, It's pretty easy to look up someone's address,
Speaker 1: and like, if you're really desperate to figure out where
Speaker 1: someone lives, all you need to do is hire a
Speaker 1: private investigator for one hundred and fifty dollars and they'll
Speaker 1: figure it out within twenty minutes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because they'll they'll use fifteen of that dollars to
Speaker 2: just do that, you know, the search. Yeah, pay for
Speaker 2: that website. Yeah, I was. I posted on my story
Speaker 2: a while back that I was like signing all these
Speaker 2: autographs that people like people. There's like a whole culture
Speaker 2: of people who send celebrities printed pictures of themselves and
Speaker 2: then send a return stamp envelope and then you, as
Speaker 2: the celebrity, just have to take it out and then
Speaker 2: put it in the other envelope. And it sounds like
Speaker 2: it's very easy to do, Like, oh, that's you know,
Speaker 2: they provide everything opening mail and your hands get dry
Speaker 2: and there's so many and then you have to keep
Speaker 2: track of like which one goes with which because it's
Speaker 2: a they all send them to my parents' house. And
Speaker 2: my friend wrote to me and was like what is this,
Speaker 2: Like why do you have why do you have to
Speaker 2: do this? And I'm like, I don't have to do it.
Speaker 2: And he's like did you Like did you almost did
Speaker 2: you set this up? Why would I ever set that up?
Speaker 2: Like and he goes, how would people find your address?
Speaker 2: I'm like the Yellow Pages or the white Pages. I mean,
Speaker 2: it's my parents address. All these things get sent to
Speaker 2: my parents. Their their address has been on It's in
Speaker 2: every buzz book, which was the you know, directory for
Speaker 2: our school. It's it's a well documented you can find
Speaker 2: out where my parents live.
Speaker 1: That's not wild. I mean I tried to write a
Speaker 1: joke about this once, but the fact that like boomers
Speaker 1: seem to be so concerned about their privacy about changing their.
Speaker 2: Mom is going to be mad that I even said this,
Speaker 2: even though it's just a thing that you can find
Speaker 2: without any paying any money, Okay, going like.
Speaker 1: My dad won't even like provide the answers to security
Speaker 1: questions to Chase Bank because he's afraid that he'll get
Speaker 1: put on a list somewhere.
Speaker 2: Yeah, when did the tides change?
Speaker 4: But yeah, you.
Speaker 1: Just printed out your address and phone number in a
Speaker 1: book and distribute them to everyone in the neighborhood.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I mean that's you had every number of every
Speaker 2: boy that you had a crush on in school in
Speaker 2: their address. You could drive, like drive your bike, spy
Speaker 2: and yeah, my mom, well, people don't know where I live,
Speaker 2: which is good for the most part. I think they don't,
Speaker 2: but they could probably figure it out. And like, if
Speaker 2: you send something to my parents' house, I might end
Speaker 2: up signing it in like two years because some of
Speaker 2: the it just piles up and then my mom goes, Nikki,
Speaker 2: we gotta do something with all of these, and I'll
Speaker 2: probably eventually get to it. But please don't like it's
Speaker 2: just added work in my life. And unless It's like
Speaker 2: really matters to you if you're just someone who's hoarding
Speaker 2: these things. Why why? I mean, I guess I hoard
Speaker 2: certain things. I have things that I'm into. But these
Speaker 2: people that they meet me at airports, I mean, this
Speaker 2: isn't a common thing that happens to me, but it
Speaker 2: just happened to me in Buffalo. Buffalo was just like
Speaker 2: so many things happened in Buffalo. I met those Swifties
Speaker 2: on the flight home. I got into that altercation with
Speaker 2: the guides the TSA. But when I arrived in Buffalo
Speaker 2: was they were they there when I arrived? No, when
Speaker 2: I got to the airport in Buffalo, or maybe it was,
Speaker 2: I don't know where it was, but like when I
Speaker 2: got to the airport, they knew what terminal I was
Speaker 2: going to be at. Like someone that works at the
Speaker 2: airport hooks these guys up with like the flight logs
Speaker 2: and finds out who's going to be there. And then
Speaker 2: my you know, David Spade told me that sometimes he
Speaker 2: will land in a city and they'll be waiting at
Speaker 2: the gate for him. People that don't even have a ticket,
Speaker 2: They didn't buy a ticket to get in. They like
Speaker 2: have friends that connect them and get them in so
Speaker 2: that they can harass people when they get off the plane,
Speaker 2: and they it's they're always really nice. They're always guys
Speaker 2: in like a dirty coat who look a little unshowered
Speaker 2: and disheveled, but they're so nice and they're always like
Speaker 2: they always to tell you something about yourself, like I
Speaker 2: love that roast joke you did about like they have
Speaker 2: some specific thing that makes it feel like they're really
Speaker 2: a fan. And then they have tons of printed pictures
Speaker 2: of you and they hand you a sharpie or like
Speaker 2: an exact like the right kind of pen that they
Speaker 2: want for that thing. Then they make they have these
Speaker 2: like big they'll have a big cardboard board, and then
Speaker 2: they have all of your headshots laid out, like seven
Speaker 2: of them, and then they hand you a thing and
Speaker 2: you just sign each one and I just write an
Speaker 2: extra the ones that where I don't like the picture
Speaker 2: that they've chose and they don't want them personalize because
Speaker 2: they are, I guess going to sell them. But I've
Speaker 2: signed thousands at this point and I'm not even that famous.
Speaker 2: Like what what are you going to get for that?
Speaker 2: Like what what happens? Like do they trade them? Like
Speaker 2: what what is going on with these I need.
Speaker 4: To know about this culture.
Speaker 2: What, like you, your shipping would cost more than someone
Speaker 2: would pay to buy an autograph of mine.
Speaker 4: Maybe now, maybe if it's.
Speaker 2: All if I die tragically or if I get really
Speaker 2: start dating someone famous, that's the only way that I'm
Speaker 2: going to reach the level of fame in which those
Speaker 2: are going to be. If I start dating teams with.
Speaker 4: Lots of ways you can do it. You could kill somebody,
Speaker 4: that's true.
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't discount that. Never discount that I could pull
Speaker 2: an oj yeah, or Robert Blake. I'm trying to think
Speaker 2: of other famous people that have murdered. Yeah. But I
Speaker 2: just always like, I just have to these are gonna
Speaker 2: really I sometimes I write like, this will be so
Speaker 2: expensive when I die. I like, I write that on
Speaker 2: it sometimes and they go, oh that's okay, And I'm like,
Speaker 2: but this is true. This is worthless until I die
Speaker 2: or until I kill I make someone else die, Like
Speaker 2: you said, but I don't know what this is. And
Speaker 2: they all, you know, they'll write, they all send the
Speaker 2: same looking things like there's I know this is a
Speaker 2: subculture of people, and I want to understand it. It's
Speaker 2: like the same people that buy like Funko pops, you know,
Speaker 2: like or you're just like why.
Speaker 4: Like what do you want understand?
Speaker 1: And not the people who are trying to get you
Speaker 1: to sign it and then sell it on eBay. You
Speaker 1: want to understand the people who collect the autographs who
Speaker 1: get that.
Speaker 2: I get collecting like you have like a room in
Speaker 2: your house and you have all these people that like
Speaker 2: you have taken some of their time from them to
Speaker 2: scribble on a paper, like you own a piece of
Speaker 2: their time, Like all the things I have of tailor's
Speaker 2: I have so many tailors with signatures because people give
Speaker 2: She signed so much stuff, and there's a part of
Speaker 2: me that feels like she I had a second of
Speaker 2: her life m h I one point two seconds of
Speaker 2: her life when she went like, oh, I own that,
Speaker 2: Like she's devoted something of her amazing life all the
Speaker 2: time she signed things. If you added them up for
Speaker 2: all this signatures I have, I probably have like ten.
Speaker 2: She could have written like fourteen songs if she wouldn't
Speaker 2: have been having to do that. And I and that's
Speaker 2: why sometimes when I get an autograph of hers, I'm
Speaker 2: just like, oh, I'm so sorry that I inconvenience you
Speaker 2: in this way. Somewhere in your past you had to
Speaker 2: scribble this, and you should have been doing something else
Speaker 2: with your time. But I really like when people ask
Speaker 2: for my autograph. I like when people ask for pictures.
Speaker 2: Everyone always knows this. I just don't understand these guys
Speaker 2: that I just oh, and then they send you a
Speaker 2: letter to a lot of times, and that's really nice,
Speaker 2: but it's kind of like mad lib style, Like you
Speaker 2: can tell they just fill in, but some of them
Speaker 2: are very personal and a lot of I can tell
Speaker 2: that a lot of I'm being shitty. A lot of
Speaker 2: these people I think are homebound, Like you can just tell,
Speaker 2: like they just consume TV and entertainment and feel connection
Speaker 2: with people, and like it just seems like this is
Speaker 2: their way to reach the outside world. And I'm sorry
Speaker 2: that I don't send it back. For another I think
Speaker 2: it's exciting they send off these things to I'm guessing
Speaker 2: hundreds of celebrities and then they probably get forty back
Speaker 2: and from me, you get one back three years after
Speaker 2: you sent it, and that's must be exciting. Yeah, But
Speaker 2: I would never. When my friend was like, so, this
Speaker 2: is a thing like you do, and I'm like, I
Speaker 2: would never invite this. I don't. I'm not someone who's like,
Speaker 2: you're welcome, here's my sigment. Like, it's just not who
Speaker 2: I am. But I guess there are people that would
Speaker 2: do that.
Speaker 1: I'm I used to live with one of these guys,
Speaker 1: Rinaldo's back in the Story of Queens, a guy.
Speaker 2: The guy that you told us about who would, oh yeah,
Speaker 2: he would go to celebrity events.
Speaker 1: He took me to gather his little mentor for a
Speaker 1: while because I was also poor, and he he's the
Speaker 1: one who taught me how to get onto food stamps
Speaker 1: and to uh, you know, take advantage of all the
Speaker 1: public publicly funded.
Speaker 2: How do you get on food stamps? I know that's
Speaker 2: such a privileged thing to say.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, there was a bunch of different tricks.
Speaker 1: That's one of the tricks. One of the tricks was like,
Speaker 1: don't tell them that you have a cell phone, because
Speaker 1: if you have enough money to afford a cell phone plan,
Speaker 1: or if you're on your parents' plan still, then they're
Speaker 1: gonna think you have enough money to not need foodstamps.
Speaker 1: So just lie and say I don't even have a
Speaker 1: phone like stuff like that. And he's like, you go
Speaker 1: in and he's like, you gotta wear a shirt with
Speaker 1: like's not that nice, Like where you gotta wear a
Speaker 1: button down shirt that looks like you got at the
Speaker 1: discount rack at a mall somewhere. Maybe it doesn't fit
Speaker 1: you right. And then when you go in there, he
Speaker 1: just like coached me. He's like, when you go in there,
Speaker 1: look like you're sad, look like nothing's going well in
Speaker 1: your life and you just need a little bit of help.
Speaker 2: So what is in there? Where is there?
Speaker 1: You have to go to like a like a social
Speaker 1: services administrative building, and you know it's a government building.
Speaker 1: It's like going to the DMV, except you go to
Speaker 1: the foodstamp's office and you interview with a social worker.
Speaker 2: And then what do the suit stamps literally look like stamps?
Speaker 1: I think they used to back in the day, but
Speaker 1: that's that's no longer the case they give you act
Speaker 1: is it a card now? Yeah, it's a card now.
Speaker 1: And the rule with food stamps is you can only
Speaker 1: buy food that's groceries that's not prepared. So if you like,
Speaker 1: even if you went to the grocery store, you couldn't
Speaker 1: buy like a cooked rotisserie chicken at the grocery store
Speaker 1: with food stace.
Speaker 2: That's what poor people need because they don't have microwaves
Speaker 2: and stuff.
Speaker 1: They really want you to pinch every penny and spend
Speaker 1: your money on uncooked food so that you cook it
Speaker 1: yourself and that you save the money.
Speaker 2: It's cheaper. But then there's some things that you can
Speaker 2: buy with food stamps that you're like, how is this possible?
Speaker 2: Like a mountain dewberry blast or you know, like things
Speaker 2: that don't be Yeah, you can. I think there's really
Speaker 2: like a lot of food that you can get that's
Speaker 2: just like it's not even food.
Speaker 1: But you're not to buy a cooked rotisserie chicken, which
Speaker 1: I've tried to buy before and they said no. But
Speaker 1: listen to this. I got the maximum amount of benefit
Speaker 1: on the food stamps because at the time I was
Speaker 1: just like living in astoria.
Speaker 2: I was, you know, I was you have that demeanor.
Speaker 2: If you played up your demeanor of Donald Trodden, yeah,
Speaker 2: you're gonna get a lot of sympathy stamps.
Speaker 1: Yeah. But I got the maximum amount thanks to Ronaldo's coaching.
Speaker 1: And guess how much the maximum amount is.
Speaker 2: At least Okay, I'm going to guess one hundred and
Speaker 2: twenty dollars a week.
Speaker 1: That's very close. If you were saying a month, it
Speaker 1: was two hundred dollars a month, is what you guess.
Speaker 2: Ridiculous.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And then the law change nineteen or something three.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I reapplied for food stamps and I was denied,
Speaker 1: and then I had to go before a judge and
Speaker 1: argue for food stamps.
Speaker 2: God, he got you really wrapped up in this thing.
Speaker 1: Well, I was just like, I don't make it. I
Speaker 1: hardly make any money at all, and I'm trying to
Speaker 1: live in Queens, you know, I don't want to.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it saves you two hundred bucks a month.
Speaker 1: That's not to be fair, to be completely fair. At
Speaker 1: any point, I could have gone I'm privileged, and I
Speaker 1: could have gone back and lived with my parents and
Speaker 1: I would have been fine. I didn't need the two
Speaker 1: hundred dollars a month per se. But it's not like
Speaker 1: I was taking two hundred dollars a month away from
Speaker 1: another poor person. It was taking two hundred dollars from
Speaker 1: the government because I was really I had nothing.
Speaker 2: But isn't it taking two hundred dollars from a poor
Speaker 2: person because they've allotted that amount for the poor people?
Speaker 2: And that's why there is a system of like trying
Speaker 2: to figure out who deserves what, and they probably have
Speaker 2: like you can only give this money away, they have
Speaker 2: a nough. I mean, I'm not blaming you, but I'm saying, like,
Speaker 2: when it comes down to it, isn't it like there's
Speaker 2: not like a pothole that's not being covered up because
Speaker 2: you did that.
Speaker 4: It's like, no, no.
Speaker 1: And there isn't a poor person that I took like
Speaker 1: it wasn't like me versus no, of course, but.
Speaker 2: In the scheme of things, it kind of like it's
Speaker 2: the argument I make when people have kids. No offense
Speaker 2: to Noah, who's an active labor right now, but when
Speaker 2: you have a child, you are and you don't adopt,
Speaker 2: You're there's a kid shivering in an orphanage somewhere because
Speaker 2: you wanted to have something that looks like you. If
Speaker 2: you really there is and we do this all. I mean,
Speaker 2: this is for everything we do in life that's even
Speaker 2: a little bit selfish or isn't you know, there's constant
Speaker 2: there's something because of that, Like my dad always saying,
Speaker 2: because you left this lamp on, there is a smoke
Speaker 2: stack billowing out poisonous fumes because of this lamp that
Speaker 2: you left on. You know those smoke stacks that just
Speaker 2: like they look, They used to really disturb me as
Speaker 2: a child. It's just like pollution going in the air
Speaker 2: like this. It's crazy looking. It's just like what you
Speaker 2: see on documentaries where it's like the end of the world.
Speaker 2: There's always a shot of a smoke stack. And my
Speaker 2: dad really like hammered that in my head of like,
Speaker 2: that's because you're so selfish that you didn't want to
Speaker 2: go like turn off that bedside lamp because you wanted
Speaker 2: to go get to Starbucks faster. You are now polluting
Speaker 2: the world, And I think I think in those terms
Speaker 2: because of my dad.
Speaker 1: You know what, now that you've mentioned it, I do
Speaker 1: remember at the beginning of the process, I had to
Speaker 1: box a Honduran family and.
Speaker 2: I knew something like that was going. But didn't this
Speaker 2: guy teach you how to like go into celebrity events
Speaker 2: like red carpet events, premiere of things. And then he
Speaker 2: would after tell me what he would do out.
Speaker 1: There's a whole subculture of people who are collecting celebrity
Speaker 1: memorabilia to sell on eBay, and that's how they make
Speaker 1: their living. And so Ronaldo snuck me into the movie
Speaker 1: premiere of cop Out, that Tracy Morgan movie.
Speaker 2: And yeah, one of the movies I almost said for
Speaker 2: Kevin Hart when they asked me what my favorite Kevin
Speaker 2: Hart movie was.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I almost said that I love I
Speaker 1: love doing shawsh Ank Redemption shit.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I think he's Morgan Freeman. Okay, I just
Speaker 2: loved Nikki Glazer autograph. And there's so many, Yeah, how
Speaker 2: much there's so many. Oh my god, fifty dollars, ninety dollars.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh I remember signing that one. I like, remember some
Speaker 2: of these always signed my legs in this one, ninety dollars,
Speaker 2: one hundred and fifteen. I mean, there's nothing under fifty dollars. Oh,
Speaker 2: there's one a comedy signed index card. Oh, these bastards.
Speaker 2: I always want what they do, because sometimes they just
Speaker 2: send an index card that you can get one for
Speaker 2: five dollars. There's I mean, it's all of them. They're
Speaker 2: all here.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: Okay, that makes sense.
Speaker 1: But I mean, like, if you can get fifty bucks
Speaker 1: for an autograph, that's like a good deal for those.
Speaker 2: God, there's like a fan art sticker of me looking
Speaker 2: like I'm crying. What is that from? That's crazy. That's
Speaker 2: kind of good Nikki fan art podcast sticker and I
Speaker 2: look like I'm crying. It's really pretty picture of me too.
Speaker 2: Thanks for making that sticker everyone. I don't know when
Speaker 2: I cried like that publicly, but it's you nailed it.
Speaker 4: So this guy who you think is comparable to you
Speaker 4: and fame?
Speaker 2: That's a really good question because this will reveal what
Speaker 2: I really think of myself. I would say, man, God,
Speaker 2: who would you? I mean, like, I'm not gonna be offounded. Yeah,
Speaker 2: let me just type in comedians because I literally am
Speaker 2: like drawing a blank.
Speaker 1: Who's comparable to you?
Speaker 2: Mid level famous comedians, mid level fame?
Speaker 1: Well, think about who's just touring theaters now, I mean, basically, Oh,
Speaker 1: that's a good point about Pete Holmes. I don't know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, i'd say Pete Holmes. Okay, that's a really that's
Speaker 2: perfect So I used to think that he And by
Speaker 2: the way, I'm doing a show with Pete Holmes today.
Speaker 2: I'm doing a live Netflix show with Pete Holmes today. Yeah.
Speaker 2: David Chang has a show called The Problem with Doing Shows.
Speaker 2: No offense to anyone who asked me to do a show,
Speaker 2: you have to like watch the show, and I don't
Speaker 2: like watching TV, Like I don't really watch shows, and
Speaker 2: so I do have to watch I always watch the
Speaker 2: show when I'm okay. It's called Dinnertime Live okay, and
Speaker 2: he has two guests on. Yeah, it's live, and it'll
Speaker 2: be live tonight, it'll be now. It's by the time
Speaker 2: this podcast airs, it's already on Netflix existing. If you
Speaker 2: want to watch me and Pete Holmes live on Netflix
Speaker 2: cooking not cooking, David Chang boks for us and then
Speaker 2: we eat food that he.
Speaker 1: Makes basically like a YouTube show.
Speaker 2: Yeah, kind of, but it's really well shot, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's wild man Neflix leaning into this live thing.
Speaker 2: They really are Pete Holmes okay, autograph let's see.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so Pete Holmes autograph it looks like seventy five. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're comparable. There's one for forty, one for thirty. But yeah,
Speaker 1: then there's some that.
Speaker 2: Are like, let's see what like Ali Wong is going
Speaker 2: for Oh yeah, Allie, I bet she's two hundred. This
Speaker 2: shows you how much more famous she is. Oh she
Speaker 2: doesn't even autograph stuff. This curling fucking around. No, Wow, Okay,
Speaker 2: you can get her. Uh she signed a beef thing
Speaker 2: for forty two ninety five, you can get another one
Speaker 2: for forty Okay, Well she's but that's that's crazy because
Speaker 2: she doesn't I have so much stuff online. Why do
Speaker 2: people God, this doesn't make sense to me. Okay, let's
Speaker 2: see Chelsea Handler, and I'm not comparing myself to her.
Speaker 2: I just want she's obviously leagues in leagues above me.
Speaker 2: Chelsea Handler. Autograph Okay, hers are going for one hundred
Speaker 2: and fifty, as they should, so she's Yeah, she's that
Speaker 2: much more famous. I kind of looked I was thinking
Speaker 2: about fame the other day and how like how much
Speaker 2: more famous people are? It really is about for me
Speaker 2: at least. I'm sure there's other platforms, but like Instagram,
Speaker 2: followers really dictate how famous you are, and so Taylor
Speaker 2: Swift has like I think, how many how many millions
Speaker 2: of followers does she have? Because I was like, how
Speaker 2: much more famous is Taylor Swift to me? I mean,
Speaker 2: it's she's the most famous person in the world, but like,
Speaker 2: let's just think about the scale. She's on the top
Speaker 2: of the scale. She has two hundred and eighty three
Speaker 2: million followers. I have a million, So she is two
Speaker 2: hundred and eighty three times more famous than I am,
Speaker 2: which seems right. Like if there are three hundred people
Speaker 2: in a room and there's one person who believes in you,
Speaker 2: Lady Gaga, think there's three hundred, If there's If there's
Speaker 2: three hundred people in a room, two hundred and ninety
Speaker 2: eight will know who she is. One will know who
Speaker 2: I am. But I think all three hundred would know
Speaker 2: who Taylor Swift is. Now, if you're doing like an
Speaker 2: average American.
Speaker 1: It'd be pretty stupid not to know who she is
Speaker 1: at this point, Like what are you even doing? Like
Speaker 1: what's going on in your life that you don't know
Speaker 1: who Taylor Swift is. It's like it's like when people
Speaker 1: say I don't know who I'm voting for in the
Speaker 1: next presidential election, It's like, what are you doing?
Speaker 4: Where is your time?
Speaker 3: Swift?
Speaker 2: Obviously? Yeah, well yeah, I'm trying to think of something
Speaker 2: recently where my friend didn't know it, and I go,
Speaker 2: what the fuck? How do you not know that? So
Speaker 2: one had never heard? Oh, I had never heard of there.
Speaker 2: I guess there's this like famous TikTok couple where they
Speaker 2: like I definitely I'm aware of them. This is the
Speaker 2: thing about me. I'm aware of things, but I don't
Speaker 2: like know the details. But like there's a tiktoc couple
Speaker 2: where they get it's like Marci and Diz or something,
Speaker 2: and they they get dressed and then he just compliments
Speaker 2: his wife and is like, look at how lovely she looks.
Speaker 2: And they're so famous even today on Girls Chat serahle
Speaker 2: and it was like, girls, I love like watching video
Speaker 2: of Like I want to know how everyone gets it's ready.
Speaker 2: How do you guys get ready? Like what do you
Speaker 2: do in the morning when you get up and you
Speaker 2: get ready? And like how do you do your makeup
Speaker 2: and brush your teeth? Like what order do you go in?
Speaker 2: And I was like, have you ever heard of get
Speaker 2: Ready with me? Like you could be She's like kind
Speaker 2: of she's not feeling well recently and so she has
Speaker 2: a lot of free time to just like lay around
Speaker 2: and like heel and I was like, just you can
Speaker 2: watch get Ready with me. Things they're every It was
Speaker 2: just crazy to me that she was like specifically asking
Speaker 2: for this thing that is the number one genre of
Speaker 2: content online. I go, there's reels and there's TikTok where
Speaker 2: it's just and so I started sending her things. I
Speaker 2: send her a video of these girls who do their
Speaker 2: stay at home girlfriends and they just talk about like
Speaker 2: what their day entails. I wake up and I make
Speaker 2: a macha and then I stretch, and then I go
Speaker 2: for a walk to get my ice coffee in journal,
Speaker 2: and then I saw a bee and they like, film
Speaker 2: a bee and then they're like and then I go
Speaker 2: home and I fold the blankets and I do has laundry.
Speaker 2: But it's really soft spoken. It's really what a lovely day.
Speaker 2: And then their husband always their boyfriend always comes home
Speaker 2: from work after making billions of dollars, and then they
Speaker 2: go to like a nice dinner, yeah, and then they
Speaker 2: go home.
Speaker 1: That's every influencer. I mean, that's that's like the vlogs
Speaker 1: on YouTube, and that's what it is now. It's just
Speaker 1: like people are watching beautiful people have a nice, lovely day.
Speaker 4: Yes, and that's all we want. I mean, is that
Speaker 4: really all we want?
Speaker 2: Oh God? I mean I sometimes it.
Speaker 1: Involves you know, finspiration or write aver it's called where
Speaker 1: they work out in the morning at least.
Speaker 4: To get that.
Speaker 2: I always want to know what Pete Holmes had to
Speaker 2: do today to get ready for this David Chang thing. Really,
Speaker 2: this is I might bring this up live on the show.
Speaker 2: I want to know how much of your life it
Speaker 2: took to prepare for this thing, because you want to
Speaker 2: know how much of my life it took. I had
Speaker 2: to get my nails done, and no, I didn't have to.
Speaker 2: But I'm on a cooking show where there's close ups
Speaker 2: of your hands, and every girl listening to me right
Speaker 2: now knows you damn well would get your name done
Speaker 2: if you had to do that. I'm not someone who
Speaker 2: needs to get my nails done all the time. I
Speaker 2: don't feel like it's like, even though there are a
Speaker 2: lot of girls who are not on TV who actually
Speaker 2: do feel like that is a thing that you need
Speaker 2: to do. So I did get my nails done this morning.
Speaker 2: That's why had to push the podcast because I have
Speaker 2: literally no time. I was there when the store opened
Speaker 2: this morning and they were really annoyed and they turned
Speaker 2: off there like Korean soap opera, and we're like, oh, okay,
Speaker 2: so they did. I had to get the nails done.
Speaker 2: That was sixty five dollars after tip. That's just for
Speaker 2: a manicure dipping. If you want to know what I
Speaker 2: do now, I dip and then I mean it probably
Speaker 2: is because I rip them off with my mouth and
Speaker 2: then I eat the plastic. It's so gross when your
Speaker 2: nails start chipping off, like when you do dip, because
Speaker 2: it's just a big plastic chip and you just have it,
Speaker 2: you like hold it in your hand and then you
Speaker 2: have to just like sprinkle it through the world like
Speaker 2: shawshank really through my pant leg. And then and then
Speaker 2: I also had to get a spray tan last night,
Speaker 2: which let's just talk about that. I couldn't work out
Speaker 2: last night because I had the spray tan on, so
Speaker 2: it took away two hours of things that I would
Speaker 2: want to do. I had to get naked in from
Speaker 2: someone I'd invite someone over to my house, and then
Speaker 2: I had to pay them one hundred and eighty dollars
Speaker 2: after tip for a spray TND and I know that
Speaker 2: I don't need to have one, but I kind of
Speaker 2: do to to look and feel as good as I
Speaker 2: want to feel on TV. And then I'm also having
Speaker 2: them come over to do hair and makeup, which thank god,
Speaker 2: I think they're paying for the show's paying for it,
Speaker 2: but that's also another two hours and fifteen minutes out
Speaker 2: of my day. And then thank god I didn't have
Speaker 2: to do a fitting for this, because I am just
Speaker 2: gonna wear something that I already own, because I'm not
Speaker 2: going to be full body. I'm gonna be sitting most
Speaker 2: of the time, and it's live and it doesn't feel
Speaker 2: as like not that it's not important, but it just
Speaker 2: I can. But and then what else? I mean, I'm
Speaker 2: wondering what Pete Holmes is going to do to get
Speaker 2: ready for it. Not that I'm like he should have
Speaker 2: to do all this. I'm just like he's going to
Speaker 2: show a little bit annoyed.
Speaker 1: Probably shower, I got it. Sometimes you don't have to,
Speaker 1: but maybe he'll shower. Yeah, maybe he got a haircut.
Speaker 1: That's that's real. Maybe he did get a haircut.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's it's again. I'm not complaining about why don't
Speaker 2: men men have? It's so easy? I mean, I guess
Speaker 2: that's what I'm complaining about. And I don't know what
Speaker 2: I want from this thing. And I say this a lot,
Speaker 2: but it's just the way it is. I'm not like
Speaker 2: mad about it. I'm not like you guys should have
Speaker 2: to do this or like women shouldn't have to do
Speaker 2: it. It's just the way it is. And there's certain perks
Speaker 2: of being a hot woman that men don't get, and
Speaker 2: there's certain perks of being a man that doesn't have
Speaker 2: to worry about the stuff that they get.
Speaker 1: You're a hot man. They get everything.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but they have they have, they have to work
Speaker 2: out a lot.
Speaker 1: I'll also have to prove just like a hot woman,
Speaker 1: hot men have to prove that they're not dumb.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, that's a good point.
Speaker 1: If you ever see a man that's really hot, If
Speaker 1: I ever see a man that's really hot, I automatically
Speaker 1: assume he's he's an idiot, and then it takes like
Speaker 1: a five minute conversation before that.
Speaker 2: How great is that that people discount you and then
Speaker 2: you're even if you're a little smart, people are shocked. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but I remember my Dan's partner club she ha the Chanko,
Speaker 2: who's one of the hottest people you'll ever seen in
Speaker 2: your life. It's kind of annoying how much people comment
Speaker 2: on his looks every time he goes anywhere or does anything.
Speaker 2: Like it's just it would it would start to feel
Speaker 2: and it's annoying because I have a hot friend, Sarah Lena,
Speaker 2: who had just talked about, and she's just remarkably hot,
Speaker 2: you know, just distractingly beautiful model and everything. When she's
Speaker 2: around people, they can't help but comment on it as
Speaker 2: soon as she like, it's just in the air. And
Speaker 2: I've talked about this before, but there's this thing that
Speaker 2: she'll do around women when she sins because she's been
Speaker 2: so bullied by girls even her whole life, because she's
Speaker 2: so pretty that girls will hate her, girls that are
Speaker 2: threatened by her. She has to throw herself under the
Speaker 2: bus constantly when she gets around girls that she even
Speaker 2: senses the slightest bit of discomfort from them of her
Speaker 2: being too pretty. And she's not someone who thinks she's
Speaker 2: that pretty. She actually doesn't at all, because most people
Speaker 2: who are the most gorgeous have the worst self esteem
Speaker 2: with their looks. But she just knows that girls can
Speaker 2: be mean, and so she will. She'll always like say
Speaker 2: she farted, or smell her armpits and be like I stink.
Speaker 2: Like she has to present something almost immediately when she
Speaker 2: gets around because I've seen it happen because I know
Speaker 2: the girls. It'll be like we're at the cellar, and
Speaker 2: then an insecure girl comedian will come up to hang
Speaker 2: out with us, or a girlfriend of a comedian, and
Speaker 2: I sense it too, like we can all sensor each
Speaker 2: other's insecurity where a girl's just like a little bit
Speaker 2: closed off because this really pretty girl is sitting there,
Speaker 2: and Sara Lena will inevitably say she stinks pretty soon.
Speaker 4: After that, my pussy stinks and I'm farting.
Speaker 2: No. Absolutely, she will say stuff like that, and it
Speaker 2: makes yes and it really she's like it because I
Speaker 2: called her on it, or maybe she talked about it
Speaker 2: eventually because she's very self aware, but she was like,
Speaker 2: I just you know, she's not doing because she's like,
Speaker 2: I'm so pretty. She's just like, you know, it just
Speaker 2: makes things go easier, and it fucking does. I've seen
Speaker 2: it instantly make a girl just soften to her where
Speaker 2: Saraelena one time she was going through like a thing
Speaker 2: where she had like a bald patch in her hair,
Speaker 2: and one time she like flipped it over and like
Speaker 2: showed the table. She was like, well, this is what
Speaker 2: I'm dealing with, and suddenly everyone like relaxed, like, oh good,
Speaker 2: you're flawed.
Speaker 1: That's just another privilege of a hot person. Though an
Speaker 1: ugly guy couldn't get away with that. Another guy can't
Speaker 1: be like, I'm farting all day to make people like it.
Speaker 2: No, it would make it worse.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but a hot person farting, that's great.
Speaker 2: But yeah, I mean it would suck to have people
Speaker 2: just assume, like to feel bad about themselves because they're
Speaker 2: around you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and yeah it's.
Speaker 2: Threatened and act weird. I mean that's yeah, that's poor,
Speaker 2: poor hot people. That's all I have to say. Okay,
Speaker 2: we have more show to do. We'll do it more
Speaker 2: after the break. Yesterday I did record a episode of
Speaker 2: the podcast that's gonna be on the feed. I mean,
Speaker 2: it's not really related. It's me. It's still me. I
Speaker 2: guess that's I just said in a special Nikki Glazer
Speaker 2: podcast edition, like a Swifty special. I think I called it, Yeah,
Speaker 2: something like that. I don't know, Like it was just
Speaker 2: a it was really fun. I did it with my
Speaker 2: friend our Haddi, who's a comedian in Canada, and she's
Speaker 2: like my most She's the only person in my life
Speaker 2: who literally the only person I know personally who gets
Speaker 2: into Taylor Swift and loves her as much as I do,
Speaker 2: and like we can really gush in a way that
Speaker 2: is next level. So we had a really good time
Speaker 2: doing that and we recorded for like two hours. We
Speaker 2: had some technical issues, but it was a full two
Speaker 2: hour thing that cut down to probably an hour and
Speaker 2: a half and we're not even done. We're not even
Speaker 2: close to being done. So there will be multiple episodes
Speaker 2: of that. So that's exciting.
Speaker 4: And this just focusing solely on the new album.
Speaker 2: Yes, I mean we at the top we talked about
Speaker 2: like you know, we just kind of introed our backgrounds
Speaker 2: and how we feel about her and being fans and
Speaker 2: you know, what's it like, and but it's it was
Speaker 2: really really fun and there were so many it was
Speaker 2: just fun to analyze her lyrics because we were going
Speaker 2: through like song by song and we just started discovering
Speaker 2: things that we hadn't noticed yet, and it was just
Speaker 2: it was just fun. I'm in a really sweet spot
Speaker 2: with this album. I'm like, it's just like I all
Speaker 2: I want to do is be alone with it. I
Speaker 2: don't really want to talk to people. I'm like headphones
Speaker 2: in constantly, like I'm I'm gooning out to this out
Speaker 2: like I'm it feels sexual. Did I say this yesterday
Speaker 2: on the podcast? I like, honestly the other night I
Speaker 2: did I tell about how I feel like I have
Speaker 2: a crush?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: No, okay, So the other night we were leaving a
Speaker 2: show and like you know, when you like are flirting
Speaker 2: with someone on text, like it's just started where you're
Speaker 2: like you like someone and you like feel like, oh
Speaker 2: my god, I have to go to work and stuff
Speaker 2: you do your life, but then you can't wait to
Speaker 2: get back to your phone and go home so you
Speaker 2: can just like be on your phone and like text
Speaker 2: them and be like ooh, like I don't know, flirty,
Speaker 2: and I think it's maybe more of a girl thing.
Speaker 2: But I think we've all experienced this. Yeah, you recall,
Speaker 2: and so do I. But I don't have that in
Speaker 2: my life anymore because I'm in a relationship. So it's
Speaker 2: not like, you know, Chris and I don't like text
Speaker 2: each other constantly, and I don't look at the bubbles
Speaker 2: waiting for them to pop up, like what's he gonna say,
Speaker 2: like that feeling of anticipation. So it's been a while
Speaker 2: since i'd like felt that, because that's what a relationship
Speaker 2: is like that shit goes away Limerens as I've talked
Speaker 2: about before, but and I think I talked to this.
Speaker 2: This is where I talked about it on the podcast.
Speaker 2: So I'm sorry. If you are going to hear this again,
Speaker 2: you can zip past it when you hear it on
Speaker 2: the Taylor episode. But the other night, I was like
Speaker 2: so excited to leave the show because I was like,
Speaker 2: I get to go text this. But like I had
Speaker 2: that texting a boy feeling of like I have a
Speaker 2: new crush, and I was like, why am I feeling?
Speaker 2: And then I was like assessing my life. I'm like,
Speaker 2: I don't have any what's going on? And I was like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, it's this album. Like I feel like
Speaker 2: I have a crush on this album and that I
Speaker 2: get to like intimately like get to know it and
Speaker 2: have it get to know me, and I'm developing a
Speaker 2: relationship and it's just it's crazy that that feeling. I've
Speaker 2: never had that feeling in any other context, but it
Speaker 2: is giving me that. And then last night I saw
Speaker 2: I saw Trevor Wallace at a show and he was like,
Speaker 2: uh so this is a big week right with the album.
Speaker 2: How's it going for you? And I thought he was
Speaker 2: talking about like my special, because I mean, why would
Speaker 2: a comedian ask me about Taylor Swift. I just I
Speaker 2: don't never talk.
Speaker 4: To about her on the pulse.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he has his finger on the pulse and he's away,
Speaker 2: he watches my story. He's like, we're friends. He's aware
Speaker 2: of my obsession. But I didn't even think of that.
Speaker 2: And I go, oh, like my special and he goes, oh, no,
Speaker 2: I mean that's a big deal too, and I'm like, no,
Speaker 2: it's not like no, no, I believe me. I don't
Speaker 2: want to talk about that at all. Of course I was.
Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, it's huge, and I got to
Speaker 2: talk about it. I got talked about it a lot.
Speaker 2: I like usually just go do my set at the
Speaker 2: store and then I leave because I just need to
Speaker 2: get sleep. But then I after I got off stage,
Speaker 2: people were there were some girls in there that wanted
Speaker 2: to talk about the album. And I stayed for like
Speaker 2: an hour and hour plus afterwards just talking about Taylor
Speaker 2: Swift and stuff. It was so fun. It's it's Anya
Speaker 2: sometimes sees me talking about it with people, and she
Speaker 2: just you can just tell because it'll be backstage and
Speaker 2: it'll be like a comedian's you know who's on the show.
Speaker 2: His girlfriend comes backstage and suddenly I have someone to
Speaker 2: really gush about it with and you can just see
Speaker 2: that she's like, I've never seen this side of her,
Speaker 2: like it just it just lights me up, and no
Speaker 2: other way. It's really great. It's a great part of
Speaker 2: my life. It's the I think it's the best part
Speaker 2: of my life. And I have a lot of good
Speaker 2: things going on, but I think being as swiftye is
Speaker 2: the best thing in my life. And someone compared it
Speaker 2: the other day to like, I don't have kids and
Speaker 2: I don't want kids, and oh it was Natasha Lazero
Speaker 2: and Mosh's podcast, and we were talking about me not
Speaker 2: wanting kids, and I'm like, I kind of like have
Speaker 2: joy in my life from this thing that like I did,
Speaker 2: not that it's the same joy at all, not even close.
Speaker 2: I would never compare it to like whatever's going on
Speaker 2: in your parent's brain when your kid hugs you or
Speaker 2: like rests its head on your shoulder, whatever kids do
Speaker 2: once every nine months, that makes it worth it. But
Speaker 2: because let's be honest, most of it sucks. You're just yes,
Speaker 2: And then there's sometimes where they do something very very cute,
Speaker 2: and those times are always highlighted on Instagram for women
Speaker 2: like me, who go, oh, you're missing out because this
Speaker 2: little girl goes, ah staba bee is stab babe, and
Speaker 2: she goes, what do you want? And she takes her
Speaker 2: SUCKI out and she goes and she goes a strawberry
Speaker 2: and she goes yes, and it's the cutest thing you've
Speaker 2: ever seen. And like, literally that clip I said it
Speaker 2: to the girls chat. It's like it made us all
Speaker 2: like ache for a child, but that is not the reality.
Speaker 2: That is a very small time. It's like yes, yes,
Speaker 2: and like scream like it's not that at all. And
Speaker 2: it's throwing the strawberry and then smearing it on the
Speaker 2: white couch that you bought before you thought you were
Speaker 2: gonna have kids. Yes, it's getting and then you just
Speaker 2: don't even care because your couch looks like shit anyway,
Speaker 2: because kids are just disgusting and this isn't turning into
Speaker 2: a kid.
Speaker 4: And they go, do you want to go to the
Speaker 4: Rangers game?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: Your friends don't call you. No, your friends don't call you.
Speaker 2: That's not a thing that happens. Women with kids, you
Speaker 2: know who you know, who you are, You don't get
Speaker 2: asked to do things anymore because you never it can go.
Speaker 2: You never can go. You can never get a babysitter.
Speaker 2: What happened? What happened to babysitters? I babysat all the
Speaker 2: fucking time in high school and middle school even and
Speaker 2: as a twenty something, all the time, I was nanny
Speaker 2: all this every Friday and Saturday night. I could that. No,
Speaker 2: people don't. I have so many friends with kids. People
Speaker 2: don't trust. It's this fear again that we're talking about,
Speaker 2: the boomer fear. But it's not boomers anymore. It's like
Speaker 2: people don't trust other people with their kids anymore. Ever,
Speaker 2: And listen, I'm a big proponent of like, don't trust
Speaker 2: men with your kids, but a female babysitter, come on,
Speaker 2: go have a night out. You you deserve it. But
Speaker 2: people convince themselves, including people in my family. I mean,
Speaker 2: my sister has three kids and they have never once
Speaker 2: had a sitter never. They have my parents and his parents,
Speaker 2: but that's all they have, and they had me one
Speaker 2: night in seven years.
Speaker 1: If you have the grandparents, then that's like a really
Speaker 1: quality sitter. Why would you.
Speaker 2: You'll pay the grandparents and the grandparents end up resenting it. No,
Speaker 2: Like I'm sorry, it's just true, Like the grandparents will
Speaker 2: always say yes because they love the grandkids so much,
Speaker 2: just as much as you love your kids. But it's
Speaker 2: you gotta pay the grandparents. I would never ever have
Speaker 2: kids and not pay my parents to watch them if
Speaker 2: they watch them, But that's just me. I just can't
Speaker 2: imagine being like, here's a gift for you to take
Speaker 2: care of these three kids that you don't even have
Speaker 2: the bodily function to provide for them anymore, because you're
Speaker 2: all sixty five seventy years old. So here's a bunch
Speaker 2: of toddlers that you could never bear yourself because your
Speaker 2: body is incapable of raising them. Thus you shouldn't be
Speaker 2: watching kids. Like I just don't understand. I know I'm
Speaker 2: gonna get backlash from parents off like it's hard to
Speaker 2: find a babysitter. It couldn't be easier. There are so
Speaker 2: many apps. I like, I yeah, I wrote because I
Speaker 2: was just wanting my sister to find a babysitter that
Speaker 2: I was like, I'll pay for it, right, Like you
Speaker 2: need to stop asking Mom and dad, not that they
Speaker 2: don't enjoy it, and they'll always say yes, but like
Speaker 2: it's they like their free time too write and you
Speaker 2: just need to have a back up. And I asked
Speaker 2: my assistant to go find babysitters in Saint Louis that
Speaker 2: aren't men, and there were tons, and we sent them
Speaker 2: all to my sister to choose one, and I was
Speaker 2: gonna pay for it, and she still wouldn't choose it.
Speaker 2: So it's like, it's not it's not because of the cost.
Speaker 2: It's not because there's not places to find them. And
Speaker 2: I do know from people that have come to my
Speaker 2: shows and said we couldn't get a babysitter, Like it
Speaker 2: is hard to find a good babysitter and whether you're trust.
Speaker 1: They're trying to hit your kid with a pencil or
Speaker 1: something like they saw on deadline.
Speaker 2: But there's but there's so many apps and reviews and
Speaker 2: stuff now, like you used to just have to trust
Speaker 2: whatever person was living next to you and their daughter
Speaker 2: who was probably a drug addict and was going to
Speaker 2: have her boyfriend over while your kids slept, hopefully your
Speaker 2: kid was sleeping, you know what I mean, Like that's
Speaker 2: that's was the reality.
Speaker 4: You know, what you can do?
Speaker 1: You hire two babysitters one so they watch each other.
Speaker 2: No, people don't have enough money for that. You're that's
Speaker 2: a good point. I used to always babysit with my friends.
Speaker 2: That was the most fun because then you had like
Speaker 2: someone to interact with with the kid like it was
Speaker 2: more fun. And then we'd split the money. But yeah,
Speaker 2: people just don't have the money for babysitters. But I
Speaker 2: would argue, then, don't have kids. But then people want
Speaker 2: kids and they go, well, I'm not gonna not have
Speaker 2: kids because I can't afford a babysitter. But this is
Speaker 2: the world we live in where things are so expensive,
Speaker 2: like you gotta cut, you can't do everything you want
Speaker 2: to do. But I just don't. I. I guess, besties,
Speaker 2: if you could write me less than five sentences about
Speaker 2: why there's a what's a dirge? What's the what's opposite
Speaker 2: of us? Uh? Like too many a deficit? But there's
Speaker 2: another word of babysitters? And why you guys don't get babysitters?
Speaker 2: What does dirge mean? I think it's like a sad song.
Speaker 1: There's a dirge of babysitters out there.
Speaker 2: And a lament for the dead. Okay, so yeah, a
Speaker 2: mournful song. Okay, I got to write on the second.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: But there's a dirge of babysitters.
Speaker 4: There's a bard don't get it. Yeah, but I don't know.
Speaker 1: I have a lot of they're all out there too,
Speaker 1: and it's sad. It's a real problem in America. There's
Speaker 1: all these babysitters lining up outside home depot and they're
Speaker 1: begging to babysit and no one's hiring them.
Speaker 2: People and do your part. No it No, people just don't.
Speaker 2: This is the thing. This is what I really think
Speaker 2: it is. And this is someone who hasn't really No,
Speaker 2: I'm not I'm not in the what's it called?
Speaker 1: God?
Speaker 2: Why can't I think today? I'm not in the battlefield.
Speaker 2: I'm not on the ground experiencing this myself. So these
Speaker 2: are all just speculations.
Speaker 1: We have no idea what we're talking about.
Speaker 2: Here's the thing. I think people don't get babysitters because
Speaker 2: they don't want to do anything. Oh, they don't want
Speaker 2: to go out. They have kids because they're they don't
Speaker 2: want to go out.
Speaker 4: And and when you have kids, I ever heard having kids?
Speaker 2: It's I mean that's why people get They have dogs
Speaker 2: and stuff, they go I got to take my dog
Speaker 2: out I mean, Mike McLintock on Veep invented a dog
Speaker 2: so we'd have a reason to go home. It was
Speaker 2: like a bake dog. But people do I think people
Speaker 2: I don't think they initially do it like they have
Speaker 2: kids because so I don't have to go out. But
Speaker 2: once you have kids, you're so exhausted your body. If
Speaker 2: you've already had a baby, you don't feel good in
Speaker 2: your body because it's your child's especially if you're breastfeeding
Speaker 2: and you've just gone through labor and been cut open.
Speaker 2: You don't feel good about putting on like real clothes
Speaker 2: and like going out, and you want an excuse not
Speaker 2: to and so now you have one built in, and
Speaker 2: so it's just it feeds. It starts the urge to
Speaker 2: stay inside and not go out because you don't feels
Speaker 2: good about yourself. You don't feel connected to the world.
Speaker 2: You've been watching just like Bluey all day. You don't
Speaker 2: even have anything to talk about with people. You don't
Speaker 2: and you don't really relate to your friends that don't
Speaker 2: have kids anymore. So you just say, we can't get
Speaker 2: a babysitter, but you are fine, and I'm.
Speaker 4: But I can bring my kid. I can bring my
Speaker 4: kid and you go, no, yeah, we don't know.
Speaker 2: I do think I will give parents credit that they
Speaker 2: know no one likes their kid as much as they do. Oh,
Speaker 2: I think most people I feel.
Speaker 1: About don't really yeah, and I've seen them like it.
Speaker 1: Just then, like the airport, like there was a kid
Speaker 1: walking across all of the seats and like, but you
Speaker 1: know how like the seats are back facing each other,
Speaker 1: so you have one on either side of the l
Speaker 1: there was a I was sitting down and on the
Speaker 1: other side there was a Yeah, at the gate there
Speaker 1: was a kid just like running up and down the
Speaker 1: seats and he like smacked me in the head twice.
Speaker 1: And I had to turn around and like look at
Speaker 1: the parent, like, can you like tell your kid not
Speaker 1: to like smack strangers in the back of their.
Speaker 2: Dying for an interaction like this, I'm that's all I
Speaker 2: want to do is confront a parent about like and
Speaker 2: I know, and I know it's exhausting, and I know
Speaker 2: I'd probably do the same thing, but you signed up
Speaker 2: for it, so you have to, like, did you see
Speaker 2: I can complain all day about getting my nails done
Speaker 2: and getting tans, but I signed up for this so
Speaker 2: I can complain, but I really I don't need to
Speaker 2: make other people suffer because of it, even though you
Speaker 2: had to listen to my story about it. Did I
Speaker 2: see what the Curb?
Speaker 4: The last season The Curb, the last episode of The Curb?
Speaker 4: Oh my god, what happens on it?
Speaker 1: I mean moment in this in the series for now,
Speaker 1: it's the final episode ever where Larry where Larry David's
Speaker 1: in a hotel and he walks in and then some
Speaker 1: lady's kid comes up to Larry and does something rude.
Speaker 1: I forgot exactly what it was. And Larry just says hey,
Speaker 1: and then he starts to walk away, but the parent says,
Speaker 1: that wasn't nice. I want you to apologize to this man.
Speaker 1: Apologize this man, thank you. And then Larry's like, that's okay.
Speaker 1: He doesn't need to do anything, no, no, no, he
Speaker 1: needs to learn this lesson. It's important. And so now
Speaker 1: she's keeping him hostage and he goes and he goes
Speaker 1: to the kid. He leans down and he says, listen,
Speaker 1: I gotta tell you something. I'm eighty two years old
Speaker 1: and never once in my life have I ever learned
Speaker 1: a lesson. And the mom's like, how dare you say
Speaker 1: that to me? And he walks away, and I just
Speaker 1: love that. We've talked about it on the show before,
Speaker 1: where it's like it's not our job to teach your
Speaker 1: children life lessons.
Speaker 2: No, I don't want to be a part of it. No.
Speaker 2: It reminds me of the joke from I think It's
Speaker 2: Adam Sandler where there's like some baby that's in the
Speaker 2: mom's like say hi, and the baby's just like and
Speaker 2: he's like say hi to Adam, say hi, and Adam
Speaker 2: just has to like wait for this baby to say
Speaker 2: the thing that the mom's like, he can say it,
Speaker 2: I swear, And I was like, I really don't care.
Speaker 2: And then the baby's like, hai, hate my life, save me?
Speaker 2: Like the baby heads up, like begging to get away
Speaker 2: from this woman. It's so funny, hilarious, but I keep
Speaker 2: my feet. Is so many baby things and like child
Speaker 2: development stuff that I just forward onto Noah and my
Speaker 2: other friends who are having babies, and now I got him.
Speaker 2: It has to stop. I don't want any more baby stuff.
Speaker 2: I'm so sick of it. But I can't help but
Speaker 2: like send the stuff that does come up that so
Speaker 2: I have to like figure out how to fix the algorithno.
Speaker 1: Their account a baby account where you can forward thanks
Speaker 1: to your friends.
Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe it's some of that's very fascinating, like to
Speaker 2: get a baby to talk and to say what you
Speaker 2: wanted to say you need to instead of being like
Speaker 2: the wheel is on the like I guess, like say
Speaker 2: say Nikki, say Nikki like my They're always trying to
Speaker 2: get the babies to say Niki because they, you know,
Speaker 2: everyone in my family knows that we're all narcissis. When
Speaker 2: a baby says our name or like likes us, we're like,
Speaker 2: now we like the baby. So they're trying to get
Speaker 2: him to be he's like kihi or whatever, and he
Speaker 2: says but sometimes they just are obstinate and they're like,
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna say that. And so most kids are
Speaker 2: just like they feel put on the spot when you're
Speaker 2: like say it and then everyone waits. You're supposed to
Speaker 2: go like we can't wait to see Nikki, we can't
Speaker 2: wait to see Nikki. We can't wait to see and
Speaker 2: then they go Nikki. They fill it in when it's
Speaker 2: not like do it you create a song or like
Speaker 2: a little chant and if you want your kid to
Speaker 2: say stuff, so try that out with your babies if
Speaker 2: you have them. I'm sure you're not listening anymore if
Speaker 2: you do have them, because you're like, I don't need
Speaker 2: to hear this shit from her.
Speaker 1: But no tricking kids. So I really like that that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I like the little device. And you're supposed to
Speaker 2: I send this to Noah too. When your kid is
Speaker 2: like struggling to like button their shirt or something thing,
Speaker 2: or zip their jacket or ty their shoe, don't do
Speaker 2: it for them. You're like supposed to like teach them
Speaker 2: so that they teach they learn patience to do something
Speaker 2: hard and work through it. Sure, you're not supposed to
Speaker 2: monitor them and go like, now do this. You just
Speaker 2: like let them fucking fail. But who has the patience
Speaker 2: for that? You gotta go, You gotta get to the
Speaker 2: ice skating lesson or where of the fuck you're headed too,
Speaker 2: you know, like no one has the patience for that shit?
Speaker 1: Why not again? Yeah, I just it's there was a controversy.
Speaker 1: Did you see this Arge Barker controversy? No?
Speaker 2: I love Arge Barker.
Speaker 1: What happened Arge Barker? The King of Australia? The King?
Speaker 4: Yeah, the King comedy in Australia.
Speaker 2: He was in She he's an American who just really
Speaker 2: took off in Australia as a comedian, and I think
Speaker 2: he moved there.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, So he was doing a show in Australia
Speaker 1: and there was a controversy because there was a woman
Speaker 1: in around the front row who had a baby with
Speaker 1: her at the show, even though it's fifteen years and older.
Speaker 1: But for some reason, they let this woman take her baby.
Speaker 1: And she had the baby with her and the baby
Speaker 1: started talking during the set, and at first he was like,
Speaker 1: did some like funny retort to the baby talking, And
Speaker 1: then to get the baby to stop talking, she started
Speaker 1: breastfeeding the baby, which did get him to stop talking
Speaker 1: for a little while, and then like ten minutes into
Speaker 1: the set he's talking again. So then Arge Barker says,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to leave. He was
Speaker 1: thinking about, you know, late after I would have Yeah,
Speaker 1: He's like, you can't have a talking baby in here
Speaker 1: the whole time. I mean, it's going to ruin the
Speaker 1: show for everybody else, and he asked them to leave.
Speaker 1: And this cook created a huge controversy in Australia. There
Speaker 1: was articles written about it.
Speaker 2: What Why, Well, anyone think it's appropriate to bring a
Speaker 2: baby to a comedy show? Why? Yeah, well who is
Speaker 2: defending this woman?
Speaker 1: They tied it to the breastfeeding, specifically, they got they
Speaker 1: got really fixated on the.
Speaker 2: Breast No, we liked that the baby shut the fuck up.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And Arge even said, just FYI, I support breastfeeding
Speaker 1: and public I think it's a necessity. That's not why
Speaker 1: I asked them to leave. But everyone was like, you're
Speaker 1: anti breastfeeding, Arge, You're a misogynist. And then he's like, no,
Speaker 1: I didn't mind the breastfeeding. It was the interrupting of
Speaker 1: the set from the baby talking in a show that
Speaker 1: is fifteen and older. So I'm assuming you're on the
Speaker 1: side of Arge.
Speaker 2: Of course I am. This is insane to bring your Like,
Speaker 2: I think it's insane to bring your baby to a restaurant.
Speaker 2: I think it's I'm gonna go out and say, I
Speaker 2: think baby's on planes. Your baby doesn't need to travel.
Speaker 2: I really, and I'm not being funny. I'm not trying
Speaker 2: to be funny. No one needs to see your baby
Speaker 2: across the country. If they need to see it that desperately,
Speaker 2: they should fly to you. And I understand what if
Speaker 2: they're in a wheelchair and that they're about to die,
Speaker 2: they're in hospice care. They don't need to see. They've
Speaker 2: seen babies. Your baby's no doubt, Like and I know
Speaker 2: you want that picture in that moment where they meet
Speaker 2: the grandfather that they'll never there.
Speaker 1: Grandmother on her deathbed in California and she says, says,
Speaker 1: my dying wish.
Speaker 2: Not important enough that it's your FaceTime. I'm sorry, Like
Speaker 2: life is, you don't get to do everything you want
Speaker 2: in life. You didn't. This didn't plan out for you
Speaker 2: the way it was supposed to your baby, Like I
Speaker 2: think the same with like dogs on planes, Like I
Speaker 2: had to move my dogs to New York, and so
Speaker 2: we had to do that cross country flight. That was
Speaker 2: that's that's inhumane, it's not right, Like you you shouldn't.
Speaker 2: It wasn't a problem, like I wasn't distracting with the dogs,
Speaker 2: but it just wasn't fair to the dogs. And I'll
Speaker 2: never do that again, Like I made that mistake, And
Speaker 2: if I had a baby, I would never I don't
Speaker 2: think I could ever fly fly I would want to
Speaker 2: say ever, but I would avoid it so much unless
Speaker 2: it was trained to unless it was mute or something.
Speaker 2: I just couldn't handle the baby never. But I just
Speaker 2: don't think that babies need to travel.
Speaker 1: What if the baby really wants to.
Speaker 4: Go to France, that's the thing.
Speaker 2: Your baby's not gonna remember. And I know that doesn't
Speaker 2: like Neighborgatcay as a joke of like, just because the
Speaker 2: kid's not gonna remember, you just like shove them in
Speaker 2: a closet and just got knock on the closet when
Speaker 2: you start remembering things like you do have to give
Speaker 2: your child experience and says. But when I see babies,
Speaker 2: I'm just like this. I saw a baby, I said.
Speaker 2: My sister and I saw a newborn baby at a
Speaker 2: Cardinals game. And it was so loud and so.
Speaker 1: Like you know, being in a Cardinals game. I mean
Speaker 1: everyone's yelling anyway. The baby is almost like a it's
Speaker 1: too much.
Speaker 2: It was a it was a fresh out of the slammer.
Speaker 1: It was.
Speaker 2: This baby was like right like newborn. And my sister
Speaker 2: and I were like so disgusted. It should have headphones on,
Speaker 2: it should have like ear things for it's like fragile ears,
Speaker 2: I think. But no, I want to say, I want
Speaker 2: to pull this back a little bit. I do think that,
Speaker 2: you know, sometimes you do just have to travel and
Speaker 2: you got to bring the baby because let's say your
Speaker 2: mom is dying, you want to go see your mom,
Speaker 2: you can't find a sitter. Again, I would I would
Speaker 2: argue that you need to be in a situation where
Speaker 2: you can afford a sitter if you want to have kids.
Speaker 2: But that's also not fair because everyone should be able
Speaker 2: to have kids. But I actually don't believe that. I
Speaker 2: think that it's cost prohibitive to some people, and that
Speaker 2: sucks because but you know what so is owning a
Speaker 2: yacht like that's but that's got some people can't We'll
Speaker 2: never get to own a yacht. But aren't like I
Speaker 2: have a right to own a yacht. You just don't
Speaker 2: get to own one because you can't afford one, like
Speaker 2: it's is that? Is that crazy? Is that like eugen
Speaker 2: X or something? What am I am? I getting into
Speaker 2: some shade territory of like.
Speaker 1: This whole episode we've been somehow racist. I don't know
Speaker 1: what we're I think everything we've said has been problematic.
Speaker 2: It's absolutely I'll admit I have no idea what I'm
Speaker 2: talking about. I don't know anything about economics. I just
Speaker 2: know that I don't do things I can't afford, like
Speaker 2: I just don't. I never have I And and maybe
Speaker 2: that's me speaking from privilege, because I also have the
Speaker 2: Brian Frangie support of my parents that I could always
Speaker 2: fall back on. So maybe that's but I don't understand
Speaker 2: doing something and then going like it's, oh my god,
Speaker 2: kids are so expensive. It's and we're just scraping by.
Speaker 2: You don't get to have kids then, and I'm sorry,
Speaker 2: it's like life isn't fair, Like it just isn't.
Speaker 4: And and but I do.
Speaker 2: I do think that that's sad that people can't just
Speaker 2: have kids with a middle there's no middle class, and
Speaker 2: there's no like you can't just work it subway and
Speaker 2: have a family or and have your husband being a mechanic.
Speaker 2: You just can't do. I mean, you can have kids,
Speaker 2: but you're gonna have to pretend you don't have a phone. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I mean when you go in for stamps. But yeah,
Speaker 2: I guess everything we're saying is I want to get
Speaker 2: ahead of it and say we know. Yeah, I'm just
Speaker 2: trying to work through it.
Speaker 1: But but I agree with you. I don't think children
Speaker 1: should be allowed in public. I think maybe once they
Speaker 1: turned off like, no, I think it's not right.
Speaker 2: We were kids once, like do you remember being a
Speaker 2: kid and hearing about people hating kids? And I was
Speaker 2: always like why do you hate kids? Like you were
Speaker 2: a kid once, like shut up, I can't help that.
Speaker 2: I'm a kid. So I don't hate kids. No, No,
Speaker 2: I just don't. I think I just resent the naivete
Speaker 2: of parents getting into it and then being like it's
Speaker 2: so hard.
Speaker 1: Oh, and it's like there should just be separate Everyone
Speaker 1: said this before, there should be separate amenities for children everywhere.
Speaker 1: Like I hate going to a hotel and the pool.
Speaker 1: You want to sit by the pool or something, and
Speaker 1: then there's kids everywhere.
Speaker 2: I don't mind that.
Speaker 1: I hate going to I hate going to the daycare
Speaker 1: and there's a bunch of kids there using the slide,
Speaker 1: and it's like what about it.
Speaker 2: Don't think people need to see babies, Like when you
Speaker 2: get if your grandma is on her deathbed and literally
Speaker 2: like about to die, get a baby. When you get
Speaker 2: into town, find someone who has a baby, borrow it,
Speaker 2: bring it to grandma. Never know the difference, and your
Speaker 2: baby won't know the difference. Either just tell your baby
Speaker 2: that they met Grandma. Yeah, they don't know. But I
Speaker 2: see babies on planes and I'm just like, why does
Speaker 2: this baby have to travel? There were two kids in
Speaker 2: first class with me yesterday, two young kids that shield
Speaker 2: their own seat.
Speaker 1: That was that's in the front. You take some good
Speaker 1: military veterans or something poor woman in the back and
Speaker 1: you put them in that seat.
Speaker 2: You should be ashamed of yourself if you're a parent,
Speaker 2: But buying your kid a first US seat, even if
Speaker 2: you truly be ashamed of yourself, and I'm talking about
Speaker 2: kid that doesn't need to be with you. If your
Speaker 2: kid is just watching an iPad the whole flight, put
Speaker 2: them in coach. No.
Speaker 1: I mean it's when they're fifteen and they're in first class,
Speaker 1: I want to throw them off the plane.
Speaker 2: It's there were two yesterday that were under fifteen. They
Speaker 2: were between I would say eight and fifteen, and they
Speaker 2: were right in front of me, and their mom was
Speaker 2: less to me, and I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 2: But I will say, with all this being said, there
Speaker 2: are amazing things about having kids that I will miss
Speaker 2: out on as someone who's going to have them, probably,
Speaker 2: And I acknowledge that, and.
Speaker 4: I we're just bitter that we don't have the joy
Speaker 4: and love in our hearts.
Speaker 3: That you do.
Speaker 2: I mean, possibly, I'm thinking about getting a dog. I really,
Speaker 2: I think I'm craving loving something and something depending on me,
Speaker 2: even though I can't really even do that for myself.
Speaker 2: But I hear that if you don't like yourself enough,
Speaker 2: if you get something to love you, it will transfer.
Speaker 2: I'm just kidding that doesn't work. But I've been wanting
Speaker 2: a dog recently, and I saw one last night speaking
Speaker 2: of people who were like, you're gonna love mine, and
Speaker 2: you're like, no, I don't need this. Like Josh Adam Myers,
Speaker 2: I did his show at the store and I got
Speaker 2: there and he's like, I brought my dog. You know,
Speaker 2: Josh sounds like this. He's like, I brought my dog
Speaker 2: for you. I know you love dogs. And I was like, Josh,
Speaker 2: I was like, oh okay, I'm trying to be more authentic.
Speaker 2: So I didn't say like yes, you know. I was
Speaker 2: just like, oh, right, like that's not lying. But I
Speaker 2: was surprised that he did that. Yeah, and he goes
Speaker 2: he's big. He's a big dog. He's a big boy.
Speaker 2: But he's really sweet' and I'll love him. And I'm like,
Speaker 2: I haven't even seen the green room yet. Him in
Speaker 2: the hallway, and I'm just like, oh great, Like I
Speaker 2: got here, I kind of want to hang out a
Speaker 2: little bit before my set and go over my notes.
Speaker 2: And now I'm gonna have to deal with a fucking
Speaker 2: cute I'm over dogs being big and like their mouths
Speaker 2: being really wet, and like them just going like and
Speaker 2: like messing up, like getting it on my jeans, just
Speaker 2: like a snotty nose, even though your dog is cute,
Speaker 2: like and I'm sick of tails being really taut and
Speaker 2: like slapping and the things like. I don't really like
Speaker 2: big dogs anymore. So they didn't do anything wrong. I
Speaker 2: don't think they should be put down. I'm glad you
Speaker 2: have them. I'm glad you love them. I grew up
Speaker 2: with big dogs. My parents had a big dog into like,
Speaker 2: we've had big dogs my whole life. They're just I
Speaker 2: don't if they're not mine, I don't really care for it.
Speaker 2: I think they stink. I think they're just they're and
Speaker 2: they're just they're too big, you know, And I just
Speaker 2: I don't like how they don't understand their strength and
Speaker 2: their paws like and they always jump up and the
Speaker 2: person's always like, oh, don't jump up, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: don't act surprise. This dog is jumping up right now.
Speaker 2: It always does, like to save me that. So I
Speaker 2: get in the green room and I walk in and
Speaker 2: this is a Doberman, a gigantic, gigantic Doberman, and he
Speaker 2: is so sweet. He is like a statue of a
Speaker 2: dog that would be like, you know, gargoyle style. Just
Speaker 2: he's poised. His mouth will not open, which I love
Speaker 2: dogs who aren't just like like just like drooling, Like
Speaker 2: I don't have to see his teeth that have like
Speaker 2: that that you know, the brown on it. And his
Speaker 2: tongue isn't hanging out. There's no foam or anything. I
Speaker 2: don't know why I've been hanging out with a lot
Speaker 2: of rabbit dogs. He just keeps his mouth shut. He's stoic,
Speaker 2: he is in control of himself. He is and he
Speaker 2: doesn't bother me because he can tell that I'm just
Speaker 2: kind of like, I'm not in the mood. So he's
Speaker 2: like reading my body language, I'm reading his. And then
Speaker 2: I'm like a little bit interested because this dog is
Speaker 2: so calm, and I instantly am like, Josh, oh my god.
Speaker 2: I was like not looking forward to being around this dog.
Speaker 2: But I love this dog. He's so sweet. Look at him.
Speaker 2: He's just like standing there and he's not like so
Speaker 2: obedient that he's not fun. He's just like chill, right.
Speaker 2: And then he came over and just like kind of
Speaker 2: got close to me, and I was like, come here,
Speaker 2: and I like petted him, and he was so clean
Speaker 2: and his hair was like short and not dusty and musty,
Speaker 2: and he put his hand, he put his head, set
Speaker 2: his heavy head on my knee, and then I was
Speaker 2: allowed to kiss his face and I started kissing and
Speaker 2: it was a magical experience. And I told Josh, I'm like,
Speaker 2: I really prejudge this dog. I thought this was gonna suck,
Speaker 2: especially when you told me he was gonna be big,
Speaker 2: like I just didn't want to. And he was like,
Speaker 2: but you do all those shows and take the lists
Speaker 2: for dogs, right, like I thought you love dogs. I
Speaker 2: was like, I do dogs, but like not all like
Speaker 2: they're too rambunctious a lot of times. But I really
Speaker 2: loved this dog. And I was like, I think I
Speaker 2: think I'm ready, but it's I have to have a mouth. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it was really well trained.
Speaker 3: Ye.
Speaker 2: He got it when he was sober, like after he
Speaker 2: had been sober from uh. I think he's open about it,
Speaker 2: but whatever he was, he was sober from you know,
Speaker 2: hard drugs, and and he got this dog to like
Speaker 2: celebrate it and to project to others like I'm in
Speaker 2: Like he still like dresses like a rock and roll
Speaker 2: guy and kind of lives the rock and roll lifestyle.
Speaker 2: But he wanted to, like I guess, project to the
Speaker 2: world that he was in control of himself and like
Speaker 2: had things going on. So he wanted to really train
Speaker 2: this dog and have a dog that like reflected how
Speaker 2: he felt about his sobriety and about like his life.
Speaker 2: So this dog is just so poised and in control
Speaker 2: and like calm, and I just loved it. But people,
Speaker 2: you got to get your dogs under control. You got
Speaker 2: like this whole thing of like he never does this,
Speaker 2: yes he does, he read. I don't know. I don't
Speaker 2: know how to do it because some dogs are just
Speaker 2: too too out of control. But I when you see
Speaker 2: it done right, you're like, man, dogs can be so good.
Speaker 2: Your dog Jack is so good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well Jacks will chill these days. But maybe that's
Speaker 1: also true of kids. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, there's some kids that are just so well behaved
Speaker 2: that just like stay on their iPads and they don't
Speaker 2: look up and they don't talk to them sick, but
Speaker 2: they just you know, they're like polite. Oh my god.
Speaker 2: Yesterday at the airport, I like walked past this kid
Speaker 2: who was kind of in the way, and I kind
Speaker 2: of clipped itim. I didn't mean to, but we kind
Speaker 2: of bumped and he goes, oh, excuse me, and I.
Speaker 1: Was like, oh, oh my god, I.
Speaker 2: Just said excuse me, I'm sorry. I think he said
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, and I go, no, I'm sorry. That's so sweet,
Speaker 2: and and everything was right with the world. Probably it
Speaker 2: is possible to have your kid do that.
Speaker 1: It is possible.
Speaker 2: And I'm and I'm also gonna say we have to
Speaker 2: go to break. But I'm also gonna say that if
Speaker 2: your kid isn't like that, you're not a bad parent.
Speaker 2: It's sometimes you get you just get a kid that
Speaker 2: will not, you know, no matter how good the parenting is.
Speaker 2: And that's the risk of being a parent, is that
Speaker 2: you think, like there's a part of me that thinks, oh,
Speaker 2: my kid would be awesome, My bid kid would be
Speaker 2: a little Taylor Swift. I would train a little girl
Speaker 2: to be polite and sweet, even into her you know,
Speaker 2: all encompassing global fame that I would, you know, train
Speaker 2: her to be and she would love her life and
Speaker 2: be still nice to people. But it doesn't parenting Taylor
Speaker 2: Swift a very small percentage of kid.
Speaker 1: There was some point where she went, I want a strawberry.
Speaker 1: I bet yes, everything. No, I don't know, you don't know.
Speaker 2: I think she was she just like was like a
Speaker 2: lovely child that was just like grateful and soft spoken.
Speaker 2: But no, they all do. They all are a loud
Speaker 2: and I was a terror. I would not wish me
Speaker 2: as a kid on parent I was such a brat.
Speaker 2: We just got a bunch of videos, digitized home videos
Speaker 2: and wolf Man, it is rough to see like what
Speaker 2: I was like. There is one clip that is very
Speaker 2: telling and I'm at a swim meet and I've just
Speaker 2: placed I think second, and my cousin and is doing
Speaker 2: like a sideline report, like a funny thing of like
Speaker 2: how do you think the race went? And I go,
Speaker 2: if I'm not number one, I don't want to talk
Speaker 2: about it. Wow, I go, I'm not interested in being
Speaker 2: anything except number one, which I don't really relate to
Speaker 2: now because I you know, there's Ali Wong, She's getting
Speaker 2: one hundred fifty dollars for audio. There's people that are
Speaker 2: way more famous than me that I'm not, like really
Speaker 2: upset that I'm not her. But that was an early
Speaker 2: indication that like perfectionism was coming out that would never cease. Sure,
Speaker 2: but it was just so funny to see me like
Speaker 2: joking and being like, I'm but I wasn't even joking.
Speaker 2: I was just like, we're not talking about number two
Speaker 2: like I have. That's the thing about me. I have
Speaker 2: no interest in talking about if I don't think a
Speaker 2: show went well and someone's like, no, it was really good,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, but compared to what I'm comparing it to,
Speaker 2: it was bad. I know that I'm good compared to
Speaker 2: these people that you're maybe thinking about, but I'm comparing
Speaker 2: myself to the to number one, and it was bad
Speaker 2: compared to that because it just, like you, that's what
Speaker 2: I'm always gonna do, and it's so unhealthy and I
Speaker 2: don't know if.
Speaker 1: Yeah, compared it to a big pile of shit saying.
Speaker 2: And that's why I was telling these girls yesterday when
Speaker 2: we were talking about our looks and struggling with aging,
Speaker 2: and there was one woman in this in this green room.
Speaker 2: She was so sweet, but she told me that she's
Speaker 2: never ever liked a picture of herself in her whole life.
Speaker 2: She's never once seen a picture of herself where she's like,
Speaker 2: I like myself. She was like, I don't look. She goes,
Speaker 2: how long does it take for you to look at
Speaker 2: a picture after you get a photo shoot? And I say, oh,
Speaker 2: probably like a week to two months, if like this
Speaker 2: past December, I waited two months to look at pictures
Speaker 2: because I just was feeling worse about myself. And she
Speaker 2: said I never look at it. And she doesn't have
Speaker 2: to because she's not like, you know, promoting stuff as much.
Speaker 2: I don't think. But she was like, I never ever
Speaker 2: look at things, and that made me so sad. I
Speaker 2: was like, you should, You're beautiful, and she was like, no,
Speaker 2: I'm not. And it was just it was almost like
Speaker 2: me saying, you know, there's no such thing as climate change,
Speaker 2: and she's just like, well that's not true. Like she
Speaker 2: was just like, no, there's no argument to be had here.
Speaker 2: At least I live a space for like I know,
Speaker 2: compared to other people, I'm pretty, but I'm just stilling
Speaker 2: ugly now, like I at least she was like, no,
Speaker 2: there's no world, and I was like fuck. And she's
Speaker 2: like forty two and a mom and stuff, and I
Speaker 2: was just like, come on, girl, gives you perspective. But
Speaker 2: then we were talking about how that's why I follow
Speaker 2: women on a lot of people on Instagram that have
Speaker 2: like goiters on their faces, or burn victims or women
Speaker 2: that are just disfigured, because it makes it gives me
Speaker 2: perspective if they're able to be happy and feel like
Speaker 2: a lot of confidence, like can't I somehow figure it out?
Speaker 2: But then Kendall Jenner shows up on the next slide
Speaker 2: and I feel bad again, So we had to go
Speaker 2: to break. I'll come back after this. Do you struggle
Speaker 2: with self esteem issues?
Speaker 1: Me?
Speaker 2: No, the other person I'm doing a podcast with.
Speaker 4: Self ass that isn't here.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Self like in terms of looks, yeah, like do
Speaker 2: you struggle with that of like, man, look at that person,
Speaker 2: I wish I could look like them, or that's not
Speaker 2: fair that I have this. I mean, I know, maybe
Speaker 2: your health issues. You probably have a lot of I.
Speaker 1: Guess I don't have the looks thing. I used to
Speaker 1: have it way more than I do now I now
Speaker 1: that I'm a married man. I guess I just like
Speaker 1: I've accepted that this is it for the rest, and
Speaker 1: you know, I'm happy that I'm a man because like,
Speaker 1: as I get older, I'll be still accepted the way
Speaker 1: I look and I don't really have to do much
Speaker 1: about it. But I don't really get low self esteem.
Speaker 1: I get more like angry at the injustice when like
Speaker 1: if other people have things that I feel like they don't,
Speaker 1: just that I should have or whatever. I don't get
Speaker 1: like down on myself about it. I get more like
Speaker 1: angry and I go on tie raids. So I don't
Speaker 1: know what that is, but it's certainly not it's like
Speaker 1: high self esteem. I don't know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I've noticed that in a lot of
Speaker 2: people that people focus on why did this person get
Speaker 2: this thing? They suck?
Speaker 1: Yeah, like they says low self should have low self esteem.
Speaker 2: I won't say that. I never feel that way about
Speaker 2: people that get things, but it is very very rare.
Speaker 2: I always just even if they suck, and I know
Speaker 2: they suck, I just go well, because the market wants
Speaker 2: things that suck because most people suck and they want
Speaker 2: things that represent what they are, and so I kind
Speaker 2: of argue, like, that's just I don't know. I feel
Speaker 2: like and I always feel like they'll be figured out
Speaker 2: as a fraud. It won't last forever because they don't
Speaker 2: actually have talent, so it'll go away.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I think what I have is accurate esteem.
Speaker 1: I think when there's something I know that I'm good at,
Speaker 1: I feel very confident. And when there's something that I
Speaker 1: know I'm only okay at, Like, for example, I don't
Speaker 1: feel comfortable yet playing piano in public. I don't think
Speaker 1: I'll be good at it. Is that low self esteem
Speaker 1: or is that just I'm accurately assessing my talent level here.
Speaker 2: I think that's accurate. And I feel the same way
Speaker 2: when people are like we want you know, I play
Speaker 2: guitar on Instagram Live, but I'm constantly telling people to
Speaker 2: get out of here. If you think this is going
Speaker 2: to be good, or if you think this is this
Speaker 2: is just a practice session for me. This what you're witnessing. Like,
Speaker 2: if I really thought I was good, I would go
Speaker 2: on my own I have a million followers versus twenty
Speaker 2: six thousand. I would do it on there, but like,
Speaker 2: I please know that I I don't think I'm good
Speaker 2: at this, but I think that sometimes I feel like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm Sometimes I have like a burst of confidence and
Speaker 2: I'm like, yeah, you've got this, you are great, And
Speaker 2: then I'm so embarrassed when the other shoe drops where
Speaker 2: I kind of like get into that space of like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, you were so you thought you were
Speaker 2: like great at something, and I feel embarrassed that I
Speaker 2: was like confident even if it was real, and now
Speaker 2: those state I'm in is not real, the one that's
Speaker 2: thinking I'm not talented. Yeah, I just feel like, oh,
Speaker 2: and so sometimes when I feel that confidence kind of
Speaker 2: surge happen, I'm like, it feels like I would think
Speaker 2: the regret of coke head has after a night of
Speaker 2: like beingly good. What's that like? You know coke heads
Speaker 2: are really confident? You know, Yeah, it feels like that,
Speaker 2: Like it feels like I'm like that kind of when
Speaker 2: I get too confident. But you know what, people eat
Speaker 2: it up. When you're confident.
Speaker 4: Well, that's the key to life.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you can you can be talentless and
Speaker 1: if you can portray enough confidence, then you will succeed.
Speaker 1: That's just the way it is people. Yes, it's it's
Speaker 1: any It's a lot of people in positions of power.
Speaker 1: A lot of gatekeepers I find have are missing something
Speaker 1: confidence wise, and when they see other people with confidence,
Speaker 1: it makes them feel confident, so they want to support
Speaker 1: those people. When they see someone with low confidence, they
Speaker 1: hate those people because they hate that about themselves.
Speaker 2: And so whoa.
Speaker 1: If you can excrude confidence, you will get all these
Speaker 1: opportunities just because you're providing something outside of the skill
Speaker 1: that you're actually supposed to be providing to the person
Speaker 1: making the decision.
Speaker 2: WHOA, dude, That is so interesting that the gatekeepers are
Speaker 2: because usually people who are gatekeeping are not creatives and
Speaker 2: they want to be right. Yeah, like they feel.
Speaker 1: There's a reason they're not on camera on stage. Now
Speaker 1: in our industry, there's a reason why they're not on
Speaker 1: camera on stage, the reason why they could change eether.
Speaker 2: The way their life went, they would And I would
Speaker 2: exclude some music producers, some you know, executives that really
Speaker 2: just enjoy the business of it. There are some that
Speaker 2: just have a passion for the business. But I would
Speaker 2: say a lot of them would like if they could
Speaker 2: change everything they'd like, they'd prefer to be performers and
Speaker 2: since they can't, Oh my god.
Speaker 1: They just the amount of comedy managers who then, like
Speaker 1: at one point did stand up or decide to quit
Speaker 1: managing so that they can write like that happens all
Speaker 1: the time.
Speaker 2: Okay, this is interesting. So if you just pretend to
Speaker 2: be confident around those people, they want what they can't
Speaker 2: they don't have. They want what they don't see, Like
Speaker 2: they hate the things about themselves that they hate in
Speaker 2: other people, as we all do.
Speaker 1: You'll provide them with the confidence that they lack by
Speaker 1: being confident around them.
Speaker 2: Okay, I gotta start.
Speaker 1: They will admire that about you if you just come
Speaker 1: in and you're just like, I am the best and
Speaker 1: I know exactly what I'm doing.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I heard this cool.
Speaker 2: What was it the other day? It's like you think
Speaker 2: doing something will bring you not good results, in the opposite.
Speaker 2: I was watching one of those Heidipre videos and she
Speaker 2: was talking about perfectionism and how when you are a perfectionist,
Speaker 2: you go into situations and you don't feel like you're
Speaker 2: gonna be perfect or you feel like you're gonna failure.
Speaker 2: You're not doing enough, you go into a insecure kind
Speaker 2: of like defensive mode, and it's really like and you
Speaker 2: and you get validation from people that you're not perfect.
Speaker 2: Because when you get in the defensive mode, like say,
Speaker 2: I'm doing a show and I feel like I'm not
Speaker 2: good enough, so I'll go into that show in the
Speaker 2: second I don't because I'm feeling like I can't be
Speaker 2: perfect at this, and I know I can't, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: I'm not in the state to ever deliver on this.
Speaker 2: I didn't work hard in my mind enough for on
Speaker 2: this moment. I am going to be so insecure that
Speaker 2: people are going to sense that insecurity. They're not it's
Speaker 2: not even about what I'm doing. They're just going to
Speaker 2: sense that I'm like defensive and weird, and they are
Speaker 2: going to give me feedback that's like, we don't like this.
Speaker 2: They're not giving feedback on the talent that you have,
Speaker 2: or they're giving you feedback about your overall vibe of
Speaker 2: being insecure, and so you interpret that feedback of them
Speaker 2: being like I don't like this as them not liking
Speaker 2: your talent. Oh, I'm not talented, I'm not good enough,
Speaker 2: and so then you it's reinforced to you that, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm not perfect. But what they're really reacting to is
Speaker 2: the fact that you don't accept yourself. And that's what
Speaker 2: I was talking about. This guy had a thing about
Speaker 2: accepting yourself and that people think that if you accept
Speaker 2: and this is not people, this is me too. If
Speaker 2: you accept yourself, you're throwing in the towel. You're not
Speaker 2: trying anymore, you're not striving to achieve. You're just like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm good enough. But the truth is that when you
Speaker 2: are constantly in a state of like I need to
Speaker 2: be better, you are constantly agitated, and you're constantly in
Speaker 2: stress mode. You're constantly tense, and the only way the
Speaker 2: only way to become better and actually improve is to
Speaker 2: be in a relaxed state. So it's actually the opposite
Speaker 2: of what people think that if you just accept yourself,
Speaker 2: that is like defeat, admitting defeat. But the only way
Speaker 2: to not admit defeat is to accept yourself. It's the
Speaker 2: only way to actually improve, because if you are constantly
Speaker 2: not an acceptance of yourself, you're always going to be
Speaker 2: in a state of tension, and therefore you will never improve.
Speaker 2: And I thought that was really interesting because I do
Speaker 2: tend to think that when people say accept yourself, it
Speaker 2: really it really bugs me because my mom final thought.
Speaker 2: My mom used to say that when I would complain
Speaker 2: about how ugly I was when I was a kid,
Speaker 2: my mom would say, oh, just be happy with what
Speaker 2: you have. She'd say, I'm sick of this shit. All
Speaker 2: you talk about is how ugly you are, And I'd go,
Speaker 2: why did you and dad have sex and make me?
Speaker 2: You knew you were both have ugly people in your family, Like,
Speaker 2: you knew the risk. I used to say, I was
Speaker 2: like thirteen fourteen, you knew the risk. You got lucky
Speaker 2: with Lauren, but you knew the risk because of like,
Speaker 2: there's ugly genetics in your family and you're both attractive,
Speaker 2: but you took a risk. And I came out and
Speaker 2: you why did you do this to me? And my
Speaker 2: mom would go, you are so weird. This is discuss
Speaker 2: I don't want to hear this shit anymore. Nikki. You
Speaker 2: be happy with what God gave you. And I used
Speaker 2: to fucking hate that so oh much because it was
Speaker 2: her admitting that I wasn't as pretty as I wanted
Speaker 2: to be. It wasn't her saying no, you're beautiful, even
Speaker 2: though I would not have been able to stand that
Speaker 2: at all because I didn't feel beautiful, so no amount
Speaker 2: of telling me. But her saying just accept what God
Speaker 2: gave you. First of all was bullshit because my parents
Speaker 2: are atheists, so I was like, what are you what
Speaker 2: are you even talking about? And secondly it just felt like, yeah,
Speaker 2: we know you're ugly, but it's good and just throwing
Speaker 2: the towel. But I really like reframing it and thinking
Speaker 2: of it. If you throw in the towel, if you
Speaker 2: actually accept yourself, you actually will improve, you will become
Speaker 2: you could become more perfect.
Speaker 1: Or whatever, all face so that nobody can see.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just actually speaking of breastfeeding, there was this
Speaker 2: meme of this woman that was like she got told
Speaker 2: to cover up in public breastfeeding and so she just
Speaker 2: has her tit out with her kid, but she has
Speaker 2: a towel over her face. I really liked that. Okay,
Speaker 2: we have to go, We're going to do an intrusive
Speaker 2: thoughts episode. You can pick that up. If you are
Speaker 2: a big money Player's Diamond member, that means you pay
Speaker 2: a little extra per month and you get an extra
Speaker 2: twenty minutes per month of content from me and Brian.
Speaker 2: That is like us talking about things that we don't
Speaker 2: like that we need to put a paywall behind, and
Speaker 2: no check out that episode and no ads. Yeah that's true,
Speaker 2: and you get no ads with the show itself, no
Speaker 2: ads across the board. So it is the optimal way
Speaker 2: to listen to the Nikki Blazer Podcast. I hope you
Speaker 2: check that out.
Speaker 1: It's for free, but maybe yees today.
Speaker 2: Check out that Swift episode. It's coming up. I think
Speaker 2: it'll be out soon if it's not already out. And
Speaker 2: check out me on David Chang on Netflix. And we'll
Speaker 2: see you next time on the nick K Glazer Podcast.
Speaker 2: Don't be kid by e