Speaker 1: We even say things like I just met the most
Speaker 1: perfect person, or he or she is perfect for me,
Speaker 1: or they are perfect for me. Just the idea of
Speaker 1: saying they are perfect for me, I found the perfect person.
Speaker 1: When we say things like that, we're creating this pressure
Speaker 1: and emphasis that we're going to end up with someone perfect,
Speaker 1: and therefore we try and be that perfect person and
Speaker 1: they try to live up to that too. Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast
Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every one of
Speaker 1: you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow.
Speaker 1: Now you know that one of the things I've been
Speaker 1: fascinated a lot lately, weird is something that it sounds
Speaker 1: like you're all fascinated weird, and it's love, it's relationships,
Speaker 1: it's breakup, it's connection. The reason why I'm fascinated with
Speaker 1: this is because it has such a big, deep impact
Speaker 1: on our lives. I notice people go through some of
Speaker 1: the greatest transitions and personal transformations in their life when
Speaker 1: they are trying to meet someone, when someone just left
Speaker 1: their life. And one of the biggest questions that I'm
Speaker 1: constantly asked when it comes to relationships is how do
Speaker 1: I know when I'm in love? Is this love? Are
Speaker 1: we in love? And some people would say, well, if
Speaker 1: you have to ask the question, then you're not. Then
Speaker 1: you wouldn't know, And I would actually say the opposite.
Speaker 1: It's a really healthy question to ask. It's a really
Speaker 1: important question to ask. It's fascinating, isn't it. We spend
Speaker 1: so long trying to figure out the answer to questions
Speaker 1: like what should I eat tonight? What should I wear
Speaker 1: to that event? Maybe we spend a longer time trying
Speaker 1: to think about should I live in this city or town?
Speaker 1: Should I move country? Should I change my job? These
Speaker 1: are all questions we believe that are considerably important and
Speaker 1: require thought in order to make the right move. But
Speaker 1: it's really interesting then, when it comes to love, we
Speaker 1: feel we should just know. We should just feel it.
Speaker 1: When you know, you know, when you experience it, you
Speaker 1: just do. So today, what I'm going to share with you,
Speaker 1: of course, is my take on what I believe shows
Speaker 1: deeper signs of love than what I believe shows shallower
Speaker 1: signs of love. I'm going through in this episode give
Speaker 1: you five things that are not love and five things
Speaker 1: that are love, so that you can actually spot the
Speaker 1: signs and as always, I will be sharing the science
Speaker 1: behind what will make a difference. Now, I was reading
Speaker 1: from the Harvard Gazette and this was a Harvard staff writer,
Speaker 1: Alvin Powell, and Alvin wrote something really, really fantastic that
Speaker 1: I wanted to share with you. So, when you first
Speaker 1: meet someone, check this out. Love turns on the neurotransmitter dopamine,
Speaker 1: which is known to stimmy the brain's pleasure centers. Coupled
Speaker 1: that with the drop in levels of serotonin, which adds
Speaker 1: a dash of obsession, and you have the crazy, pleasing, stupefied,
Speaker 1: urgent love of infatuation. We all know what that feels like.
Speaker 1: We've been there, and maybe we go there and get
Speaker 1: there again and again and again. Right, we experienced that repeatedly.
Speaker 1: I know people that are in relationships that feel that
Speaker 1: they've fallen in love with someone else because we feel
Speaker 1: that specific spark. You could call it chemistry, you could
Speaker 1: call it a spark. You could call it infatuation or
Speaker 1: attraction or lust. But we all have had that experience
Speaker 1: and we label that love. Now, labeling that experience love
Speaker 1: is very limiting, because one could be in love with
Speaker 1: someone new every month or every year, and one could
Speaker 1: be out of love with someone because that same feeling
Speaker 1: doesn't last. So what we have to ask ours is
Speaker 1: are we in love with that feeling or do we
Speaker 1: really truly want to fall in love? Are we in
Speaker 1: love with that chemical makeup? Are we in love with
Speaker 1: that chemical release? Or do we want to understand what
Speaker 1: a loving healthy relationship looks like because obviously that isn't
Speaker 1: a loving healthy relationship. That is a love like feeling
Speaker 1: that we're experiencing. So in this article, Alvinz quoting from
Speaker 1: a study by Richard Schwartz at a Harvard medical school,
Speaker 1: and this study by Schwartz goes on to say that
Speaker 1: during the first love year, serotonin levels gradually return to
Speaker 1: normal and the stupid and obsessive aspects of the condition moderate.
Speaker 1: That period is followed by increases in the hormone oxytocin,
Speaker 1: a neurotransmitter associated with a calmer, more mature form of love.
Speaker 1: The oxytocin helps cement bonds, raise immune function, and begin
Speaker 1: to confer the health benefits found in married couples who
Speaker 1: tend to live longer, have fewer strokes and heart attacks,
Speaker 1: be less depressed, and have higher survival rates from major
Speaker 1: surgery and cancer. So what I find fascinating and the
Speaker 1: reason why I wanted to share that, is because we
Speaker 1: liken a lot of things to love when they don't
Speaker 1: completely encapsulate what love truly is. So we may say, wow,
Speaker 1: I think I'm falling out of love with someone when
Speaker 1: we mature and our oxytocin goes up, but we may
Speaker 1: feel more in love with someone new because our serotonin's
Speaker 1: gone up. One of the things we liken love too
Speaker 1: is how long we've been together. We clap for couples
Speaker 1: that have been together for five years, ten years, fifteen years,
Speaker 1: twenty five years, fifty years, seventy five years. And I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that's not beautiful. I think that's incredible. But
Speaker 1: here's something I want you to think about. Are we
Speaker 1: simply interested in the length of a relationship? Are we
Speaker 1: simply interested in the length of a long life? When
Speaker 1: you think about living, do you think to yourself, I
Speaker 1: really hope I can live forever. No. We often say
Speaker 1: I'm not looking forward to growing older because age is
Speaker 1: often a contributor to a decrease in health. So what
Speaker 1: we're really saying we want is a long, healthy life.
Speaker 1: We don't just want a long life. We want a long,
Speaker 1: healthy life, and the truth is, if your life is healthy,
Speaker 1: it's more likely to be long. Similarly, with relationships, why
Speaker 1: do we just celebrate length of relationships. We don't just
Speaker 1: want a long relationship, right, Do you just want to
Speaker 1: be able to tell people how long you've been together. No,
Speaker 1: you want a long, healthy relationship, just like you want
Speaker 1: a long, healthy life. And if you have a healthy relationship,
Speaker 1: you will naturally have a long, healthy life. This idea
Speaker 1: is so important because we've been conditioned to believe that
Speaker 1: a long relationship is a healthy one, as opposed to
Speaker 1: believing that a healthy relationship is a long one. Right,
Speaker 1: think about that for a moment. How many of us believed,
Speaker 1: oh wow, they've been together for such a long time.
Speaker 1: But then we all know people who've been together for
Speaker 1: such a long time and are unhappy, that are dissatisfied.
Speaker 1: So what I'm going to share with you today is
Speaker 1: what not to like and love with alone, and what
Speaker 1: to like and love with right. Like, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to answer for you what love is and what love isn't,
Speaker 1: because that's for you to populate. It's not only that
Speaker 1: love is not these things, it's that these things are
Speaker 1: not love. We actually look for these things and we
Speaker 1: think that their love. That's actually the challenge. We don't
Speaker 1: actually know what love looks like, so we're constantly looking
Speaker 1: at other things and saying what that feels like love
Speaker 1: to me? And when you place that emphasis and say
Speaker 1: that feels like love to me, some of these things
Speaker 1: can actually take us down the wrong path. So, first one,
Speaker 1: validation is not love. If someone validates that is not love.
Speaker 1: Why Because validation is something that someone can give you
Speaker 1: to get something from you. Validation is something that we
Speaker 1: have to learn to give ourselves. If someone validates you
Speaker 1: and makes you feel important and significant, that is validation.
Speaker 1: Do not confuse that with love alone. Validation is not
Speaker 1: a bad thing. If someone validates you, it's not an
Speaker 1: unhealthy thing. If someone validates you, but don't equate validation
Speaker 1: on its own to being a sign of love, that
Speaker 1: is a part of love. It's a useful part of love,
Speaker 1: But it doesn't make you know you're in love. Why not?
Speaker 1: It's because validation can often be based around something you've achieved,
Speaker 1: something you've accomplished. So we have to ask ourselves what
Speaker 1: am I being validated for? Being validated for? Who I am?
Speaker 1: Or Am I being validated for what I've achieved and
Speaker 1: what I've accomplished? Right? Am I being validated for something
Speaker 1: genuinely that is mine to keep forever? Or am I
Speaker 1: being validated for something that I have no control over?
Speaker 1: If someone is constantly only validating your career, what does
Speaker 1: that say about what they value about you? What someone
Speaker 1: validates about you shows what they value about you. Right?
Speaker 1: I always tell the example of my wife Radi, who
Speaker 1: never validates me for my achievements, but constantly validates me
Speaker 1: for who I am and the man that she married
Speaker 1: and the person she's been with for this amount of time.
Speaker 1: And at first I actually found that really hard. I
Speaker 1: wanted her to validate me for my success. I wanted
Speaker 1: her to validate me for my achievements, but she didn't.
Speaker 1: And that's what beautifully brought me to understand what she
Speaker 1: us validate. So first, ask yourself, what is this person validating?
Speaker 1: What are they valuing about me? Is that part of
Speaker 1: me that I want to be valued? Is that the
Speaker 1: part of me that I know is the real me?
Speaker 1: Because then you're going to be reminded of who you
Speaker 1: deeply are through that validation. The second thing you have
Speaker 1: to look for in validation is if I lost this
Speaker 1: with this person, still validate me, right, that's a great
Speaker 1: sign to see the depth of their validation. And the
Speaker 1: third thing is are you only with them because you
Speaker 1: want their validation? This is a really fascinating part. This
Speaker 1: is not really about them. Some people can validate your career,
Speaker 1: they'll validate you, they'll validate everything about you, and that's beautiful.
Speaker 1: But do you only love them because they validate you?
Speaker 1: Do you only love them because someone else hasn't validated
Speaker 1: you before? Is that your only reason? Do you only
Speaker 1: keep them around because you want someone to validate you?
Speaker 1: That can be unhealthy because if that's the only thing
Speaker 1: you like about them, or that's the only thing you
Speaker 1: appreciate about them, you run the risk of falling out
Speaker 1: of love with them if they don't validate you sometime,
Speaker 1: or someone validates you more, or someone validates you better.
Speaker 1: So we have to be really careful about where we
Speaker 1: place validation. Now. Another thing that is not love is
Speaker 1: trying to be liked or being liked is not love.
Speaker 1: Someone may like you, they may find you interesting, they
Speaker 1: may find you entertaining. That doesn't turn it into love.
Speaker 1: Someone can like you, but they can only like the
Speaker 1: parts of you that they like. They may not want
Speaker 1: to like the parts of you that are tough to like.
Speaker 1: They may not want to like the parts of you
Speaker 1: that are uncomfortable. Have you even shown them those or
Speaker 1: do you love being liked so much that you're scared
Speaker 1: of showing that person who you really are. Being liked
Speaker 1: is beautiful. We all want to be liked, but at
Speaker 1: one point a relationship best to evolve from being liked
Speaker 1: to displaying honestly some of our flaws, or letting people
Speaker 1: experience us at different times of the day or different
Speaker 1: times of the year when our mood shifts and things
Speaker 1: change about ourselves. I remember I always wanted Raley to
Speaker 1: believe I was perfect. When I first started dating her,
Speaker 1: I would do everything. I literally would do everything and anything.
Speaker 1: And obviously as time went on, that war off. I
Speaker 1: couldn't do everything in anything, and luckily Raley didn't leave
Speaker 1: me because of that. But I started to notice that
Speaker 1: I was so obsessed with being liked that I hadn't
Speaker 1: allowed her to see my flaws, and so I couldn't
Speaker 1: see how she would deal with my flaws. And some
Speaker 1: of us get really scared around someone seeing our flaws
Speaker 1: because we think, oh gosh, if they see my flaws,
Speaker 1: then they're gonna leave me. And that's what you don't
Speaker 1: want to live in, because that's not love. Because now
Speaker 1: you live in an insecurity that if this person gets
Speaker 1: to know the real me, they're going to leave me.
Speaker 1: That is not a healthy place to live. You don't
Speaker 1: want to be in that scenario for too long. You
Speaker 1: don't want to live in that insecurity for too long
Speaker 1: a period of time because it grates away at you.
Speaker 1: It makes you feel unconstantly uncomfortable, constantly uncertain about what if,
Speaker 1: what if, or when this person finds out you feel
Speaker 1: that sense of imposter syndrome. Now that isn't love. In love,
Speaker 1: you should be able to show parts of yourself, share
Speaker 1: parts of yourself, And of course I'm not asking to
Speaker 1: do on day one, but slowly, steadily allowing someone to
Speaker 1: get to know you, allowing someone to see parts of you,
Speaker 1: and recognizing just because they don't love you when they
Speaker 1: see parts of you, or they don't want to be
Speaker 1: around for those, that doesn't mean that you're not lovable, right.
Speaker 1: It's because we've all created these warped views of love.
Speaker 1: We all think that the person we're going to fall
Speaker 1: in love with is going to be perfect. We even
Speaker 1: say things like I just met the most perfect person,
Speaker 1: or he or she is perfect for me, or they
Speaker 1: are perfect for me. Just the idea of saying they
Speaker 1: are perfect for me, I found the perfect person. We
Speaker 1: even saying best Man speeches, he found the perfect person.
Speaker 1: When we say things like that, we're creating this pressure
Speaker 1: and emphasis that we're going to end up with someone perfect,
Speaker 1: and therefore we try be that perfect person and they
Speaker 1: try to live up to that too. Forty three percent
Speaker 1: of full time employees say their job is the main
Speaker 1: cause of their negative mental health. This needs to change.
Speaker 1: Work should be a place where we flourish, not a
Speaker 1: constant source of stress. Reimagining the relationship between mental health
Speaker 1: and work, Empowering employees to have conversations to eliminate stigmas,
Speaker 1: and shining a light on available resources will be some
Speaker 1: of my core focus areas as Chief Purpose Officer at CALM.
Speaker 1: I'm partnering with Calm to propel the mission of making
Speaker 1: the world happier and healthier through life changing daily content
Speaker 1: and getting the world to view mental health as health.
Speaker 1: Tune in now for an exclusive sneak peak from the
Speaker 1: Daily Jay. The third thing that is in love is
Speaker 1: that power is not love. The idea of controlling someone
Speaker 1: or being controlled is not love. You trying to control
Speaker 1: someone's life or someone trying to control you does not
Speaker 1: equate to love. Often when someone's controlling in the beginning,
Speaker 1: it can feel exciting because you think, oh, they care
Speaker 1: so much, they're so involved. Then you start to see
Speaker 1: that that could end up being possessive or obsessive, and
Speaker 1: that power starts influencing your choices, who you spend time with,
Speaker 1: where you spend time, what you do with that time.
Speaker 1: Power is not love. Control and fear are not love.
Speaker 1: In The Vaders, it talks about how people influence people,
Speaker 1: and it said that there are four ways of influencing people.
Speaker 1: The lowest form is out of fear and control. Higher
Speaker 1: than that is influencing people through making them work towards
Speaker 1: results and goals. Higher than that is responsibility when people
Speaker 1: feel a sense of responsibility. And then higher than that
Speaker 1: is out of love. So love is considered the highest
Speaker 1: way to motivate someone. Control and fear consider the lowest
Speaker 1: ways to motivate someone. Maybe a good way to get started,
Speaker 1: but I want to sustain all way to keep up.
Speaker 1: For example, someone breaks up with you, you can use
Speaker 1: that fear to get motivated to start doing whatever you
Speaker 1: want to do, working out, getting healthier, getting stronger, whatever
Speaker 1: it may be. But ultimately you want to change that
Speaker 1: to say I love my body. Right. You may first
Speaker 1: start working on your body because you want revenge, but
Speaker 1: slowly you want to start working on your body because
Speaker 1: you love your body. Right, So you want to shift
Speaker 1: out of that lower fear based relationship to a relationship
Speaker 1: based on love. So some relationships actually start in fear
Speaker 1: and control, then they move towards working towards some goal,
Speaker 1: then they work towards the responsibility, and then they go
Speaker 1: to love. And often it's in that responsibility phase where
Speaker 1: we think, wow, am I just being responsible being with
Speaker 1: this person? That's boring, but often that can give rise
Speaker 1: or birth to something really powerful. And the fourth thing
Speaker 1: that is in love is that pain is not love. Now,
Speaker 1: discust can be included in love, but pain is not
Speaker 1: right if someone is causing you pain, if someone is
Speaker 1: abusive verbally, emotionally, physically, And then they say, but I
Speaker 1: love you, and you say, but they love me. You
Speaker 1: know they act out like this, but they do love me.
Speaker 1: That is not love. I hear that sentence so many
Speaker 1: times he or she does this or they do this,
Speaker 1: but you know they love me. I know they love
Speaker 1: me deep down in their heart. Please do not accept
Speaker 1: pain as love. We do not need to give discounts
Speaker 1: on our love. So those are four things that love
Speaker 1: is not. And often we liken it to that or
Speaker 1: we accept those. Sometimes it's not that we like and
Speaker 1: love to those things, but we accept those as loves.
Speaker 1: We accept validation as love, We accept being liked as love,
Speaker 1: we accept someone dominating us as love, and we accept
Speaker 1: pain as love. We accept these things as payment for
Speaker 1: our love. But we've got to be careful about accepting
Speaker 1: those things. Now here's what some of the things that
Speaker 1: love looks like that we don't always feel comfortable with.
Speaker 1: The first is growth. Growth is love. Learning with, through
Speaker 1: and from each other is love. That is how you
Speaker 1: actually learn to love. Is that you learn together, You
Speaker 1: grow together, you develop together, and growth is painful. Growth
Speaker 1: isn't always easy. Sometimes growth feels like tension and friction
Speaker 1: and discomfort, but that growth helps you love more and
Speaker 1: love better and love deeper. Right. So, if you're being
Speaker 1: forced to grow in your relationship, you're being forced to
Speaker 1: challenge your ideas, You're being forced to look at things differently,
Speaker 1: You're being forced to step up. You're being forced to
Speaker 1: be more humble, you're being forced to be more grounded,
Speaker 1: you're being forced to be more open minded. That is
Speaker 1: an amazing opportunity to fall in love, not only with
Speaker 1: the other person, but with yourself. If someone is inspiring
Speaker 1: you to do all of those things, all of those
Speaker 1: things can be love, right, They can truly be love.
Speaker 1: So we shouldn't shy away from growth. Often when a
Speaker 1: relationship gets to growth is when we walk, because we
Speaker 1: don't want to grow. And that's why that stupid obsessive
Speaker 1: in Schwartz's word, love in the beginning, when our serotonin
Speaker 1: goes through the roof, that's why we get attracted to
Speaker 1: that so much, because it's easy, it's comfortable, it's fun,
Speaker 1: it's drilling. But we all know that is in love.
Speaker 1: Who wants to live a constant life of dating someone
Speaker 1: new every month. Now maybe some of you do, and
Speaker 1: that's fine, but we know that that is just an
Speaker 1: aspect of joy, But that is not joy itself, right,
Speaker 1: that is not everything. Jacqueline Old's, Associate professor of psychiatry
Speaker 1: at Harvard Medical School, says there is too much pressure
Speaker 1: on what a romantic partner should be. There should be
Speaker 1: your best friend. There should be your lover. There should
Speaker 1: be your closest relative. There should be your work partner.
Speaker 1: They should be the co parent, your athletic partner. Of course,
Speaker 1: everybody isn't able to quite live up to it. And
Speaker 1: that's why I'm saying that they're actually there for growth.
Speaker 1: They're actually not going to live up to all those things,
Speaker 1: so that you have to grow. If they lived up
Speaker 1: to all of those things, then you wouldn't have to grow.
Speaker 1: You could just accept them as perfect and you'd be
Speaker 1: perfect for them. But we know the reality that they're
Speaker 1: not perfect for you and you're not perfect for them,
Speaker 1: and that forces you both to grow. Now, if you
Speaker 1: both see that as a challenge and thing, this is
Speaker 1: us getting to grow and love together, that's special, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1: The next one is appreciation, is love, gratitude, kindness. This
Speaker 1: is something that not only do we want to display,
Speaker 1: but it's something that of course we want to receive. Now,
Speaker 1: we often look for validation and we often look for
Speaker 1: appreciation rather than choosing to give it. Now, what is
Speaker 1: the difference, you may say, between validation and appreciation. Appreciation
Speaker 1: could be something really small. It could be a small
Speaker 1: note of gratitude. It could be a small act of kindness.
Speaker 1: Validation is some thing that we seek for, maybe something
Speaker 1: we've gained or achieved. Kindness and appreciation comes from that
Speaker 1: person and is a beautiful act of love. And ask
Speaker 1: yourself when was the rest last time you were appreciative
Speaker 1: or kind to your partner. Often our partners are the
Speaker 1: ones that receive the least appreciative, least kind versions of
Speaker 1: us because we're so distracted potentially doing that for others
Speaker 1: or potentially recognizing this person is going to be around anyway. Now,
Speaker 1: this goes a bit further. Alignment is love. What I
Speaker 1: mean by this is there's a beautiful statement by Gandhi
Speaker 1: where he said that harmony or peace is when what
Speaker 1: you think, what you say, and what you do are aligned.
Speaker 1: And my question is does that person stay aligned in
Speaker 1: what they think, what they say, and what they do
Speaker 1: for you. Someone may say they're going to do something,
Speaker 1: but do they actually do it. Someone may be thinking
Speaker 1: about something, but do they actually say it and do it.
Speaker 1: That is when you know that someone is in love,
Speaker 1: and when you're in love, are you thinking saying and
Speaker 1: doing the same thing toward that person? Right? Do you
Speaker 1: feel that there is an alignment in your work with
Speaker 1: that person? Now there's something really interesting here, of course.
Speaker 1: Now Old said that children remain the biggest stress around relationships,
Speaker 1: adding that it seems a particular problem these days. Young
Speaker 1: parents feel pressure to raise kids perfectly, even at the
Speaker 1: risk of their own relationships. Kids are a constant pressure
Speaker 1: for parents. The days when childcare consisted of instruction and
Speaker 1: go play outside while mom and dad reconnected over cocktails
Speaker 1: are largely gone. So what we're learning here is that
Speaker 1: alignment comes when we recognize that we have to continue
Speaker 1: to keep this relationship healthy. If you ignore your body,
Speaker 1: will it be healthy or unhealthy? If you ignore your relationship,
Speaker 1: will it become unhealthy or healthy? So many of my
Speaker 1: clients will say to me, Jay, you know, I feel
Speaker 1: like we don't have a connection anymore. I think we've
Speaker 1: fallen out of love. And I'll say, well, when was
Speaker 1: the last time you went out on a date night?
Speaker 1: When was the last time you sat and had a
Speaker 1: deep intimate conversation about your relationship. When was the last
Speaker 1: time you stayed up all night and had fun? When
Speaker 1: was the last time you did all those things that
Speaker 1: made you fall in love. You don't have to go
Speaker 1: back and relive down memory lane, but it's like, what
Speaker 1: are you actually doing to water your relationship? What is
Speaker 1: the sun to your relationship today? What is it that's
Speaker 1: keeping your relationship fresh? If there is not investment, if
Speaker 1: there is no input, how will it remain now? Commitment
Speaker 1: is a sign of love. Turning up when you don't
Speaker 1: feel like it is still a sign of love. Because
Speaker 1: the only thing that makes someone turn up when they
Speaker 1: don't feel like it is love is a deeper reason
Speaker 1: because we follow our feelings so much, and they often
Speaker 1: mislead us or they distract us. But if someone keeps
Speaker 1: committing and showing up, that is a sign of love.
Speaker 1: There is some love there. Don't devalue someone who's comitted
Speaker 1: to you. Don't devalue someone who turns up on time
Speaker 1: and who represents that love for you. And the last
Speaker 1: one I want to share with you is experimenting together
Speaker 1: is love? In this study, it's said by Schwartz and
Speaker 1: by our good friend Robert Wardinger, who's also been on
Speaker 1: the podcast, is retaining a genuine sense of curiosity about
Speaker 1: your partner, fostered both by time apart to have separate
Speaker 1: experiences and by time together just as a couple. To
Speaker 1: share those experiences. Couples watch videos of themselves arguing. Afterwards,
Speaker 1: each person was asked what the partner was thinking. The
Speaker 1: longer they'd been together, the worst they actually were at guessing,
Speaker 1: in part because they thought they already knew. What keeps
Speaker 1: love alive is being able to recognize that you don't
Speaker 1: really know your partner perfectly and still being curious and
Speaker 1: still be exploring. I love this idea of experimenting. The
Speaker 1: problem is couples who have been together for a lo
Speaker 1: they think they know each other, but you're with a
Speaker 1: new person. Your partner has changed, your partner has evolved,
Speaker 1: your partner has grown. Please take the time to get
Speaker 1: to know your partner, even if you've been with them
Speaker 1: for ten years, fifteen years, twenty years, Which means, in
Speaker 1: addition to being sure you have enough time and involvement
Speaker 1: with each other that that time isn't stolen, making sure
Speaker 1: you have enough separateness that you can be an object
Speaker 1: of curiosity for the other person is really powerful and
Speaker 1: important as well. And I love this study because there's
Speaker 1: just so many beautiful things in this that really help
Speaker 1: us understand that experimenting together is love, experiencing together is love.
Speaker 1: Don't underestimate those ideas. I want to thank you again
Speaker 1: for joining me today. I'm so grateful that you made
Speaker 1: the time. I really hope that you're just trying to
Speaker 1: play one thing, just one thing that I shared today
Speaker 1: and watch how your life changes. Thanks for joining me
Speaker 1: on on purpose. I'll see you again very soon. Look
Speaker 1: out next week for more amazing episode. And of course
Speaker 1: we've been around for three years now. There are so
Speaker 1: many incredible episodes from the last three years with amazing guests,
Speaker 1: amazing solo episodes. Don't miss out. Thanks for listening. We're
Speaker 1: adding something new this year. I'm calling them Calm Moments.
Speaker 1: I'm going to give you special access to an episode
Speaker 1: of The Daily J. The Daily J is a seven
Speaker 1: minute daily meditation habit that's on Calm. I'm giving you
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Speaker 1: you to experience this calm moment. Let's do it now.
Speaker 1: When you're a kid, everyone asks you what do you
Speaker 1: want to be when you grow up? For me ages
Speaker 1: one through four, it was a cowboy, and then five
Speaker 1: through nine police officer. But why don't they ask you
Speaker 1: who you want to be? Us? As it is preoccupied
Speaker 1: with accomplishments, with checking items off a to do list,
Speaker 1: though I believe that character is far more important. So
Speaker 1: today I'm going to introduce you to the powerful tool
Speaker 1: of to b lists. These next seven minutes are about
Speaker 1: you and building positive qualities. I'm Ja Shetty. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Daily J. Let's start by taking a few deep
Speaker 1: breaths to center ourselves inhaling and exhaling, expanding and releasing,
Speaker 1: focusing and relaxing. Beautiful. Have you ever thought about your
Speaker 1: relationship with to do lists? If you're like me, then
Speaker 1: it's not always pretty. To do lists are supposed to
Speaker 1: be sources of organization and efficiency, but I have such
Speaker 1: a love hate relationship with mine. Sometimes I find myself
Speaker 1: running from task to task, trying to accomplish as much
Speaker 1: as possible.