1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,280 Speaker 1: We even say things like I just met the most 2 00:00:02,279 --> 00:00:05,120 Speaker 1: perfect person, or he or she is perfect for me, 3 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:07,720 Speaker 1: or they are perfect for me. Just the idea of 4 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,640 Speaker 1: saying they are perfect for me, I found the perfect person. 5 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:13,600 Speaker 1: When we say things like that, we're creating this pressure 6 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,280 Speaker 1: and emphasis that we're going to end up with someone perfect, 7 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:18,599 Speaker 1: and therefore we try and be that perfect person and 8 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:27,240 Speaker 1: they try to live up to that too. Hey, everyone, 9 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast 10 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:33,080 Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every one of 11 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:37,600 Speaker 1: you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. 12 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 1: Now you know that one of the things I've been 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,760 Speaker 1: fascinated a lot lately, weird is something that it sounds 14 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:49,320 Speaker 1: like you're all fascinated weird, and it's love, it's relationships, 15 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:54,760 Speaker 1: it's breakup, it's connection. The reason why I'm fascinated with 16 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,400 Speaker 1: this is because it has such a big, deep impact 17 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:02,800 Speaker 1: on our lives. I notice people go through some of 18 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:08,200 Speaker 1: the greatest transitions and personal transformations in their life when 19 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:12,319 Speaker 1: they are trying to meet someone, when someone just left 20 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:16,039 Speaker 1: their life. And one of the biggest questions that I'm 21 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:20,240 Speaker 1: constantly asked when it comes to relationships is how do 22 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: I know when I'm in love? Is this love? Are 23 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,119 Speaker 1: we in love? And some people would say, well, if 24 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,960 Speaker 1: you have to ask the question, then you're not. Then 25 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,240 Speaker 1: you wouldn't know, And I would actually say the opposite. 26 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:35,160 Speaker 1: It's a really healthy question to ask. It's a really 27 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:39,880 Speaker 1: important question to ask. It's fascinating, isn't it. We spend 28 00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:42,760 Speaker 1: so long trying to figure out the answer to questions 29 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,560 Speaker 1: like what should I eat tonight? What should I wear 30 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:48,600 Speaker 1: to that event? Maybe we spend a longer time trying 31 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: to think about should I live in this city or town? 32 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:55,840 Speaker 1: Should I move country? Should I change my job? These 33 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,760 Speaker 1: are all questions we believe that are considerably important and 34 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:04,120 Speaker 1: require thought in order to make the right move. But 35 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,800 Speaker 1: it's really interesting then, when it comes to love, we 36 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,639 Speaker 1: feel we should just know. We should just feel it. 37 00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 1: When you know, you know, when you experience it, you 38 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,359 Speaker 1: just do. So today, what I'm going to share with you, 39 00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:19,680 Speaker 1: of course, is my take on what I believe shows 40 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 1: deeper signs of love than what I believe shows shallower 41 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,799 Speaker 1: signs of love. I'm going through in this episode give 42 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:31,480 Speaker 1: you five things that are not love and five things 43 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:34,320 Speaker 1: that are love, so that you can actually spot the 44 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 1: signs and as always, I will be sharing the science 45 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:42,079 Speaker 1: behind what will make a difference. Now, I was reading 46 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,720 Speaker 1: from the Harvard Gazette and this was a Harvard staff writer, 47 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:50,160 Speaker 1: Alvin Powell, and Alvin wrote something really, really fantastic that 48 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 1: I wanted to share with you. So, when you first 49 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:58,639 Speaker 1: meet someone, check this out. Love turns on the neurotransmitter dopamine, 50 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:02,360 Speaker 1: which is known to stimmy the brain's pleasure centers. Coupled 51 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:05,080 Speaker 1: that with the drop in levels of serotonin, which adds 52 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:10,079 Speaker 1: a dash of obsession, and you have the crazy, pleasing, stupefied, 53 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:13,920 Speaker 1: urgent love of infatuation. We all know what that feels like. 54 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 1: We've been there, and maybe we go there and get 55 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:22,840 Speaker 1: there again and again and again. Right, we experienced that repeatedly. 56 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:26,280 Speaker 1: I know people that are in relationships that feel that 57 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,480 Speaker 1: they've fallen in love with someone else because we feel 58 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 1: that specific spark. You could call it chemistry, you could 59 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,840 Speaker 1: call it a spark. You could call it infatuation or 60 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:41,760 Speaker 1: attraction or lust. But we all have had that experience 61 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:46,160 Speaker 1: and we label that love. Now, labeling that experience love 62 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:50,280 Speaker 1: is very limiting, because one could be in love with 63 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:54,840 Speaker 1: someone new every month or every year, and one could 64 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:58,200 Speaker 1: be out of love with someone because that same feeling 65 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 1: doesn't last. So what we have to ask ours is 66 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 1: are we in love with that feeling or do we 67 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 1: really truly want to fall in love? Are we in 68 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 1: love with that chemical makeup? Are we in love with 69 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:15,200 Speaker 1: that chemical release? Or do we want to understand what 70 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 1: a loving healthy relationship looks like because obviously that isn't 71 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 1: a loving healthy relationship. That is a love like feeling 72 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 1: that we're experiencing. So in this article, Alvinz quoting from 73 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:35,080 Speaker 1: a study by Richard Schwartz at a Harvard medical school, 74 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,880 Speaker 1: and this study by Schwartz goes on to say that 75 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:42,440 Speaker 1: during the first love year, serotonin levels gradually return to 76 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:46,960 Speaker 1: normal and the stupid and obsessive aspects of the condition moderate. 77 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:50,600 Speaker 1: That period is followed by increases in the hormone oxytocin, 78 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:56,040 Speaker 1: a neurotransmitter associated with a calmer, more mature form of love. 79 00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:00,919 Speaker 1: The oxytocin helps cement bonds, raise immune function, and begin 80 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:04,719 Speaker 1: to confer the health benefits found in married couples who 81 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 1: tend to live longer, have fewer strokes and heart attacks, 82 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: be less depressed, and have higher survival rates from major 83 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:17,279 Speaker 1: surgery and cancer. So what I find fascinating and the 84 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:20,920 Speaker 1: reason why I wanted to share that, is because we 85 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 1: liken a lot of things to love when they don't 86 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:30,599 Speaker 1: completely encapsulate what love truly is. So we may say, wow, 87 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,320 Speaker 1: I think I'm falling out of love with someone when 88 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:36,520 Speaker 1: we mature and our oxytocin goes up, but we may 89 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:40,640 Speaker 1: feel more in love with someone new because our serotonin's 90 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:43,240 Speaker 1: gone up. One of the things we liken love too 91 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,960 Speaker 1: is how long we've been together. We clap for couples 92 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:48,720 Speaker 1: that have been together for five years, ten years, fifteen years, 93 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,880 Speaker 1: twenty five years, fifty years, seventy five years. And I'm 94 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,800 Speaker 1: not saying that's not beautiful. I think that's incredible. But 95 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,080 Speaker 1: here's something I want you to think about. Are we 96 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:01,680 Speaker 1: simply interested in the length of a relationship? Are we 97 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:06,080 Speaker 1: simply interested in the length of a long life? When 98 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,320 Speaker 1: you think about living, do you think to yourself, I 99 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:13,720 Speaker 1: really hope I can live forever. No. We often say 100 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:18,159 Speaker 1: I'm not looking forward to growing older because age is 101 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:23,160 Speaker 1: often a contributor to a decrease in health. So what 102 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 1: we're really saying we want is a long, healthy life. 103 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,480 Speaker 1: We don't just want a long life. We want a long, 104 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 1: healthy life, and the truth is, if your life is healthy, 105 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,839 Speaker 1: it's more likely to be long. Similarly, with relationships, why 106 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:40,520 Speaker 1: do we just celebrate length of relationships. We don't just 107 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,320 Speaker 1: want a long relationship, right, Do you just want to 108 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,360 Speaker 1: be able to tell people how long you've been together. No, 109 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:49,279 Speaker 1: you want a long, healthy relationship, just like you want 110 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,960 Speaker 1: a long, healthy life. And if you have a healthy relationship, 111 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 1: you will naturally have a long, healthy life. This idea 112 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,840 Speaker 1: is so important because we've been conditioned to believe that 113 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,120 Speaker 1: a long relationship is a healthy one, as opposed to 114 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,600 Speaker 1: believing that a healthy relationship is a long one. Right, 115 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,120 Speaker 1: think about that for a moment. How many of us believed, 116 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,400 Speaker 1: oh wow, they've been together for such a long time. 117 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,360 Speaker 1: But then we all know people who've been together for 118 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 1: such a long time and are unhappy, that are dissatisfied. 119 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,360 Speaker 1: So what I'm going to share with you today is 120 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,600 Speaker 1: what not to like and love with alone, and what 121 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,360 Speaker 1: to like and love with right. Like, I'm not going 122 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,400 Speaker 1: to answer for you what love is and what love isn't, 123 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,320 Speaker 1: because that's for you to populate. It's not only that 124 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,920 Speaker 1: love is not these things, it's that these things are 125 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:39,360 Speaker 1: not love. We actually look for these things and we 126 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:42,360 Speaker 1: think that their love. That's actually the challenge. We don't 127 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,360 Speaker 1: actually know what love looks like, so we're constantly looking 128 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,720 Speaker 1: at other things and saying what that feels like love 129 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,960 Speaker 1: to me? And when you place that emphasis and say 130 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 1: that feels like love to me, some of these things 131 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 1: can actually take us down the wrong path. So, first one, 132 00:07:55,480 --> 00:08:03,880 Speaker 1: validation is not love. If someone validates that is not love. 133 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:10,240 Speaker 1: Why Because validation is something that someone can give you 134 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:15,440 Speaker 1: to get something from you. Validation is something that we 135 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 1: have to learn to give ourselves. If someone validates you 136 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:25,400 Speaker 1: and makes you feel important and significant, that is validation. 137 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: Do not confuse that with love alone. Validation is not 138 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,520 Speaker 1: a bad thing. If someone validates you, it's not an 139 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,280 Speaker 1: unhealthy thing. If someone validates you, but don't equate validation 140 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:41,680 Speaker 1: on its own to being a sign of love, that 141 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: is a part of love. It's a useful part of love, 142 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 1: But it doesn't make you know you're in love. Why not? 143 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:54,760 Speaker 1: It's because validation can often be based around something you've achieved, 144 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 1: something you've accomplished. So we have to ask ourselves what 145 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:01,600 Speaker 1: am I being validated for? Being validated for? Who I am? 146 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,400 Speaker 1: Or Am I being validated for what I've achieved and 147 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:11,320 Speaker 1: what I've accomplished? Right? Am I being validated for something 148 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:14,600 Speaker 1: genuinely that is mine to keep forever? Or am I 149 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:18,120 Speaker 1: being validated for something that I have no control over? 150 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:22,120 Speaker 1: If someone is constantly only validating your career, what does 151 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:26,080 Speaker 1: that say about what they value about you? What someone 152 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:32,000 Speaker 1: validates about you shows what they value about you. Right? 153 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:37,200 Speaker 1: I always tell the example of my wife Radi, who 154 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:41,760 Speaker 1: never validates me for my achievements, but constantly validates me 155 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 1: for who I am and the man that she married 156 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,400 Speaker 1: and the person she's been with for this amount of time. 157 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:50,000 Speaker 1: And at first I actually found that really hard. I 158 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:53,080 Speaker 1: wanted her to validate me for my success. I wanted 159 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:56,640 Speaker 1: her to validate me for my achievements, but she didn't. 160 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,720 Speaker 1: And that's what beautifully brought me to understand what she 161 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,679 Speaker 1: us validate. So first, ask yourself, what is this person validating? 162 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,160 Speaker 1: What are they valuing about me? Is that part of 163 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,320 Speaker 1: me that I want to be valued? Is that the 164 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,839 Speaker 1: part of me that I know is the real me? 165 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,160 Speaker 1: Because then you're going to be reminded of who you 166 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,200 Speaker 1: deeply are through that validation. The second thing you have 167 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:21,520 Speaker 1: to look for in validation is if I lost this 168 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:25,160 Speaker 1: with this person, still validate me, right, that's a great 169 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,400 Speaker 1: sign to see the depth of their validation. And the 170 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,960 Speaker 1: third thing is are you only with them because you 171 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: want their validation? This is a really fascinating part. This 172 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 1: is not really about them. Some people can validate your career, 173 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:39,959 Speaker 1: they'll validate you, they'll validate everything about you, and that's beautiful. 174 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 1: But do you only love them because they validate you? 175 00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,520 Speaker 1: Do you only love them because someone else hasn't validated 176 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:47,400 Speaker 1: you before? Is that your only reason? Do you only 177 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,439 Speaker 1: keep them around because you want someone to validate you? 178 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,679 Speaker 1: That can be unhealthy because if that's the only thing 179 00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:56,560 Speaker 1: you like about them, or that's the only thing you 180 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,719 Speaker 1: appreciate about them, you run the risk of falling out 181 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,160 Speaker 1: of love with them if they don't validate you sometime, 182 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: or someone validates you more, or someone validates you better. 183 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,320 Speaker 1: So we have to be really careful about where we 184 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 1: place validation. Now. Another thing that is not love is 185 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,960 Speaker 1: trying to be liked or being liked is not love. 186 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 1: Someone may like you, they may find you interesting, they 187 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,400 Speaker 1: may find you entertaining. That doesn't turn it into love. 188 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,880 Speaker 1: Someone can like you, but they can only like the 189 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,280 Speaker 1: parts of you that they like. They may not want 190 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,120 Speaker 1: to like the parts of you that are tough to like. 191 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,840 Speaker 1: They may not want to like the parts of you 192 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,840 Speaker 1: that are uncomfortable. Have you even shown them those or 193 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:44,160 Speaker 1: do you love being liked so much that you're scared 194 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,480 Speaker 1: of showing that person who you really are. Being liked 195 00:11:47,559 --> 00:11:49,600 Speaker 1: is beautiful. We all want to be liked, but at 196 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,200 Speaker 1: one point a relationship best to evolve from being liked 197 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:56,679 Speaker 1: to displaying honestly some of our flaws, or letting people 198 00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:00,560 Speaker 1: experience us at different times of the day or different 199 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,240 Speaker 1: times of the year when our mood shifts and things 200 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:07,640 Speaker 1: change about ourselves. I remember I always wanted Raley to 201 00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:10,280 Speaker 1: believe I was perfect. When I first started dating her, 202 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,840 Speaker 1: I would do everything. I literally would do everything and anything. 203 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,600 Speaker 1: And obviously as time went on, that war off. I 204 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 1: couldn't do everything in anything, and luckily Raley didn't leave 205 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:24,679 Speaker 1: me because of that. But I started to notice that 206 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,240 Speaker 1: I was so obsessed with being liked that I hadn't 207 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:32,320 Speaker 1: allowed her to see my flaws, and so I couldn't 208 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,920 Speaker 1: see how she would deal with my flaws. And some 209 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,160 Speaker 1: of us get really scared around someone seeing our flaws 210 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,839 Speaker 1: because we think, oh gosh, if they see my flaws, 211 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,480 Speaker 1: then they're gonna leave me. And that's what you don't 212 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,640 Speaker 1: want to live in, because that's not love. Because now 213 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:46,680 Speaker 1: you live in an insecurity that if this person gets 214 00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 1: to know the real me, they're going to leave me. 215 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,240 Speaker 1: That is not a healthy place to live. You don't 216 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,240 Speaker 1: want to be in that scenario for too long. You 217 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,200 Speaker 1: don't want to live in that insecurity for too long 218 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:59,760 Speaker 1: a period of time because it grates away at you. 219 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:05,360 Speaker 1: It makes you feel unconstantly uncomfortable, constantly uncertain about what if, 220 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,200 Speaker 1: what if, or when this person finds out you feel 221 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:12,200 Speaker 1: that sense of imposter syndrome. Now that isn't love. In love, 222 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,720 Speaker 1: you should be able to show parts of yourself, share 223 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 1: parts of yourself, And of course I'm not asking to 224 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,760 Speaker 1: do on day one, but slowly, steadily allowing someone to 225 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:23,560 Speaker 1: get to know you, allowing someone to see parts of you, 226 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,719 Speaker 1: and recognizing just because they don't love you when they 227 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: see parts of you, or they don't want to be 228 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 1: around for those, that doesn't mean that you're not lovable, right. 229 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,680 Speaker 1: It's because we've all created these warped views of love. 230 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,280 Speaker 1: We all think that the person we're going to fall 231 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,080 Speaker 1: in love with is going to be perfect. We even 232 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 1: say things like I just met the most perfect person, 233 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,520 Speaker 1: or he or she is perfect for me, or they 234 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,640 Speaker 1: are perfect for me. Just the idea of saying they 235 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 1: are perfect for me, I found the perfect person. We 236 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:52,200 Speaker 1: even saying best Man speeches, he found the perfect person. 237 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,960 Speaker 1: When we say things like that, we're creating this pressure 238 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,640 Speaker 1: and emphasis that we're going to end up with someone perfect, 239 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,560 Speaker 1: and therefore we try be that perfect person and they 240 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:05,560 Speaker 1: try to live up to that too. Forty three percent 241 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:08,440 Speaker 1: of full time employees say their job is the main 242 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:12,480 Speaker 1: cause of their negative mental health. This needs to change. 243 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,280 Speaker 1: Work should be a place where we flourish, not a 244 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:19,640 Speaker 1: constant source of stress. Reimagining the relationship between mental health 245 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: and work, Empowering employees to have conversations to eliminate stigmas, 246 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,520 Speaker 1: and shining a light on available resources will be some 247 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: of my core focus areas as Chief Purpose Officer at CALM. 248 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:34,360 Speaker 1: I'm partnering with Calm to propel the mission of making 249 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: the world happier and healthier through life changing daily content 250 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,000 Speaker 1: and getting the world to view mental health as health. 251 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:45,560 Speaker 1: Tune in now for an exclusive sneak peak from the 252 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:50,680 Speaker 1: Daily Jay. The third thing that is in love is 253 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:55,520 Speaker 1: that power is not love. The idea of controlling someone 254 00:14:56,400 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 1: or being controlled is not love. You trying to control 255 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,320 Speaker 1: someone's life or someone trying to control you does not 256 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:07,560 Speaker 1: equate to love. Often when someone's controlling in the beginning, 257 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 1: it can feel exciting because you think, oh, they care 258 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,600 Speaker 1: so much, they're so involved. Then you start to see 259 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,840 Speaker 1: that that could end up being possessive or obsessive, and 260 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:19,320 Speaker 1: that power starts influencing your choices, who you spend time with, 261 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:22,200 Speaker 1: where you spend time, what you do with that time. 262 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,960 Speaker 1: Power is not love. Control and fear are not love. 263 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:32,400 Speaker 1: In The Vaders, it talks about how people influence people, 264 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:35,080 Speaker 1: and it said that there are four ways of influencing people. 265 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:40,280 Speaker 1: The lowest form is out of fear and control. Higher 266 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:45,760 Speaker 1: than that is influencing people through making them work towards 267 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:50,880 Speaker 1: results and goals. Higher than that is responsibility when people 268 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,320 Speaker 1: feel a sense of responsibility. And then higher than that 269 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,000 Speaker 1: is out of love. So love is considered the highest 270 00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 1: way to motivate someone. Control and fear consider the lowest 271 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,680 Speaker 1: ways to motivate someone. Maybe a good way to get started, 272 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,120 Speaker 1: but I want to sustain all way to keep up. 273 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,920 Speaker 1: For example, someone breaks up with you, you can use 274 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:13,320 Speaker 1: that fear to get motivated to start doing whatever you 275 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,280 Speaker 1: want to do, working out, getting healthier, getting stronger, whatever 276 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,680 Speaker 1: it may be. But ultimately you want to change that 277 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:20,800 Speaker 1: to say I love my body. Right. You may first 278 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,560 Speaker 1: start working on your body because you want revenge, but 279 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,480 Speaker 1: slowly you want to start working on your body because 280 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,680 Speaker 1: you love your body. Right, So you want to shift 281 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:34,239 Speaker 1: out of that lower fear based relationship to a relationship 282 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:38,400 Speaker 1: based on love. So some relationships actually start in fear 283 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,800 Speaker 1: and control, then they move towards working towards some goal, 284 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,840 Speaker 1: then they work towards the responsibility, and then they go 285 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,520 Speaker 1: to love. And often it's in that responsibility phase where 286 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,080 Speaker 1: we think, wow, am I just being responsible being with 287 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,640 Speaker 1: this person? That's boring, but often that can give rise 288 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:56,280 Speaker 1: or birth to something really powerful. And the fourth thing 289 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:59,400 Speaker 1: that is in love is that pain is not love. Now, 290 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:04,160 Speaker 1: discust can be included in love, but pain is not 291 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,320 Speaker 1: right if someone is causing you pain, if someone is 292 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:10,199 Speaker 1: abusive verbally, emotionally, physically, And then they say, but I 293 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,679 Speaker 1: love you, and you say, but they love me. You 294 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,919 Speaker 1: know they act out like this, but they do love me. 295 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,920 Speaker 1: That is not love. I hear that sentence so many 296 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,959 Speaker 1: times he or she does this or they do this, 297 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,120 Speaker 1: but you know they love me. I know they love 298 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,000 Speaker 1: me deep down in their heart. Please do not accept 299 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:29,680 Speaker 1: pain as love. We do not need to give discounts 300 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:33,040 Speaker 1: on our love. So those are four things that love 301 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,480 Speaker 1: is not. And often we liken it to that or 302 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,879 Speaker 1: we accept those. Sometimes it's not that we like and 303 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,960 Speaker 1: love to those things, but we accept those as loves. 304 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,600 Speaker 1: We accept validation as love, We accept being liked as love, 305 00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:49,720 Speaker 1: we accept someone dominating us as love, and we accept 306 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 1: pain as love. We accept these things as payment for 307 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:56,400 Speaker 1: our love. But we've got to be careful about accepting 308 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,359 Speaker 1: those things. Now here's what some of the things that 309 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,399 Speaker 1: love looks like that we don't always feel comfortable with. 310 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:07,560 Speaker 1: The first is growth. Growth is love. Learning with, through 311 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,719 Speaker 1: and from each other is love. That is how you 312 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:16,159 Speaker 1: actually learn to love. Is that you learn together, You 313 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:20,399 Speaker 1: grow together, you develop together, and growth is painful. Growth 314 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:24,560 Speaker 1: isn't always easy. Sometimes growth feels like tension and friction 315 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:28,240 Speaker 1: and discomfort, but that growth helps you love more and 316 00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:31,960 Speaker 1: love better and love deeper. Right. So, if you're being 317 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,320 Speaker 1: forced to grow in your relationship, you're being forced to 318 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:37,920 Speaker 1: challenge your ideas, You're being forced to look at things differently, 319 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,840 Speaker 1: You're being forced to step up. You're being forced to 320 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,760 Speaker 1: be more humble, you're being forced to be more grounded, 321 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,720 Speaker 1: you're being forced to be more open minded. That is 322 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:51,159 Speaker 1: an amazing opportunity to fall in love, not only with 323 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,480 Speaker 1: the other person, but with yourself. If someone is inspiring 324 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,240 Speaker 1: you to do all of those things, all of those 325 00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 1: things can be love, right, They can truly be love. 326 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,200 Speaker 1: So we shouldn't shy away from growth. Often when a 327 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:07,439 Speaker 1: relationship gets to growth is when we walk, because we 328 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:11,520 Speaker 1: don't want to grow. And that's why that stupid obsessive 329 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:15,720 Speaker 1: in Schwartz's word, love in the beginning, when our serotonin 330 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,240 Speaker 1: goes through the roof, that's why we get attracted to 331 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:22,520 Speaker 1: that so much, because it's easy, it's comfortable, it's fun, 332 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 1: it's drilling. But we all know that is in love. 333 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:29,000 Speaker 1: Who wants to live a constant life of dating someone 334 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:30,639 Speaker 1: new every month. Now maybe some of you do, and 335 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,080 Speaker 1: that's fine, but we know that that is just an 336 00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:37,840 Speaker 1: aspect of joy, But that is not joy itself, right, 337 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:43,000 Speaker 1: that is not everything. Jacqueline Old's, Associate professor of psychiatry 338 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,560 Speaker 1: at Harvard Medical School, says there is too much pressure 339 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,480 Speaker 1: on what a romantic partner should be. There should be 340 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,560 Speaker 1: your best friend. There should be your lover. There should 341 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,520 Speaker 1: be your closest relative. There should be your work partner. 342 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,280 Speaker 1: They should be the co parent, your athletic partner. Of course, 343 00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:00,199 Speaker 1: everybody isn't able to quite live up to it. And 344 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,560 Speaker 1: that's why I'm saying that they're actually there for growth. 345 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,880 Speaker 1: They're actually not going to live up to all those things, 346 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,159 Speaker 1: so that you have to grow. If they lived up 347 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,520 Speaker 1: to all of those things, then you wouldn't have to grow. 348 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,080 Speaker 1: You could just accept them as perfect and you'd be 349 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:15,080 Speaker 1: perfect for them. But we know the reality that they're 350 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:18,040 Speaker 1: not perfect for you and you're not perfect for them, 351 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,399 Speaker 1: and that forces you both to grow. Now, if you 352 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,840 Speaker 1: both see that as a challenge and thing, this is 353 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:26,800 Speaker 1: us getting to grow and love together, that's special, that's beautiful. 354 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:34,400 Speaker 1: The next one is appreciation, is love, gratitude, kindness. This 355 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:37,720 Speaker 1: is something that not only do we want to display, 356 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,920 Speaker 1: but it's something that of course we want to receive. Now, 357 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:44,720 Speaker 1: we often look for validation and we often look for 358 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,440 Speaker 1: appreciation rather than choosing to give it. Now, what is 359 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,800 Speaker 1: the difference, you may say, between validation and appreciation. Appreciation 360 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,040 Speaker 1: could be something really small. It could be a small 361 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,879 Speaker 1: note of gratitude. It could be a small act of kindness. 362 00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 1: Validation is some thing that we seek for, maybe something 363 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,919 Speaker 1: we've gained or achieved. Kindness and appreciation comes from that 364 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,080 Speaker 1: person and is a beautiful act of love. And ask 365 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,720 Speaker 1: yourself when was the rest last time you were appreciative 366 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,679 Speaker 1: or kind to your partner. Often our partners are the 367 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,280 Speaker 1: ones that receive the least appreciative, least kind versions of 368 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:22,320 Speaker 1: us because we're so distracted potentially doing that for others 369 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:26,440 Speaker 1: or potentially recognizing this person is going to be around anyway. Now, 370 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,359 Speaker 1: this goes a bit further. Alignment is love. What I 371 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,800 Speaker 1: mean by this is there's a beautiful statement by Gandhi 372 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,720 Speaker 1: where he said that harmony or peace is when what 373 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:40,200 Speaker 1: you think, what you say, and what you do are aligned. 374 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 1: And my question is does that person stay aligned in 375 00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:48,320 Speaker 1: what they think, what they say, and what they do 376 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 1: for you. Someone may say they're going to do something, 377 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,639 Speaker 1: but do they actually do it. Someone may be thinking 378 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,400 Speaker 1: about something, but do they actually say it and do it. 379 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,040 Speaker 1: That is when you know that someone is in love, 380 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 1: and when you're in love, are you thinking saying and 381 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,960 Speaker 1: doing the same thing toward that person? Right? Do you 382 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,480 Speaker 1: feel that there is an alignment in your work with 383 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,919 Speaker 1: that person? Now there's something really interesting here, of course. 384 00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:16,920 Speaker 1: Now Old said that children remain the biggest stress around relationships, 385 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,080 Speaker 1: adding that it seems a particular problem these days. Young 386 00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:23,040 Speaker 1: parents feel pressure to raise kids perfectly, even at the 387 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:26,720 Speaker 1: risk of their own relationships. Kids are a constant pressure 388 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:30,800 Speaker 1: for parents. The days when childcare consisted of instruction and 389 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:34,080 Speaker 1: go play outside while mom and dad reconnected over cocktails 390 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:38,400 Speaker 1: are largely gone. So what we're learning here is that 391 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:42,000 Speaker 1: alignment comes when we recognize that we have to continue 392 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,639 Speaker 1: to keep this relationship healthy. If you ignore your body, 393 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,880 Speaker 1: will it be healthy or unhealthy? If you ignore your relationship, 394 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:54,159 Speaker 1: will it become unhealthy or healthy? So many of my 395 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,880 Speaker 1: clients will say to me, Jay, you know, I feel 396 00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,800 Speaker 1: like we don't have a connection anymore. I think we've 397 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,480 Speaker 1: fallen out of love. And I'll say, well, when was 398 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,960 Speaker 1: the last time you went out on a date night? 399 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:07,199 Speaker 1: When was the last time you sat and had a 400 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:10,800 Speaker 1: deep intimate conversation about your relationship. When was the last 401 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,400 Speaker 1: time you stayed up all night and had fun? When 402 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:14,919 Speaker 1: was the last time you did all those things that 403 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,879 Speaker 1: made you fall in love. You don't have to go 404 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:19,760 Speaker 1: back and relive down memory lane, but it's like, what 405 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,600 Speaker 1: are you actually doing to water your relationship? What is 406 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,360 Speaker 1: the sun to your relationship today? What is it that's 407 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,359 Speaker 1: keeping your relationship fresh? If there is not investment, if 408 00:23:28,359 --> 00:23:32,280 Speaker 1: there is no input, how will it remain now? Commitment 409 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,159 Speaker 1: is a sign of love. Turning up when you don't 410 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:39,919 Speaker 1: feel like it is still a sign of love. Because 411 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,919 Speaker 1: the only thing that makes someone turn up when they 412 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:46,760 Speaker 1: don't feel like it is love is a deeper reason 413 00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,440 Speaker 1: because we follow our feelings so much, and they often 414 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,840 Speaker 1: mislead us or they distract us. But if someone keeps 415 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:56,200 Speaker 1: committing and showing up, that is a sign of love. 416 00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:00,320 Speaker 1: There is some love there. Don't devalue someone who's comitted 417 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,680 Speaker 1: to you. Don't devalue someone who turns up on time 418 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:08,080 Speaker 1: and who represents that love for you. And the last 419 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,560 Speaker 1: one I want to share with you is experimenting together 420 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:18,440 Speaker 1: is love? In this study, it's said by Schwartz and 421 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,320 Speaker 1: by our good friend Robert Wardinger, who's also been on 422 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:25,119 Speaker 1: the podcast, is retaining a genuine sense of curiosity about 423 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,679 Speaker 1: your partner, fostered both by time apart to have separate 424 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:32,320 Speaker 1: experiences and by time together just as a couple. To 425 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:37,960 Speaker 1: share those experiences. Couples watch videos of themselves arguing. Afterwards, 426 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,080 Speaker 1: each person was asked what the partner was thinking. The 427 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,800 Speaker 1: longer they'd been together, the worst they actually were at guessing, 428 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,440 Speaker 1: in part because they thought they already knew. What keeps 429 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:51,240 Speaker 1: love alive is being able to recognize that you don't 430 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:54,960 Speaker 1: really know your partner perfectly and still being curious and 431 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:58,480 Speaker 1: still be exploring. I love this idea of experimenting. The 432 00:24:58,480 --> 00:24:59,920 Speaker 1: problem is couples who have been together for a lo 433 00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:02,439 Speaker 1: they think they know each other, but you're with a 434 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,680 Speaker 1: new person. Your partner has changed, your partner has evolved, 435 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:09,360 Speaker 1: your partner has grown. Please take the time to get 436 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,000 Speaker 1: to know your partner, even if you've been with them 437 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,000 Speaker 1: for ten years, fifteen years, twenty years, Which means, in 438 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,560 Speaker 1: addition to being sure you have enough time and involvement 439 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,640 Speaker 1: with each other that that time isn't stolen, making sure 440 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,080 Speaker 1: you have enough separateness that you can be an object 441 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:27,119 Speaker 1: of curiosity for the other person is really powerful and 442 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,920 Speaker 1: important as well. And I love this study because there's 443 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,480 Speaker 1: just so many beautiful things in this that really help 444 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:39,359 Speaker 1: us understand that experimenting together is love, experiencing together is love. 445 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:43,520 Speaker 1: Don't underestimate those ideas. I want to thank you again 446 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,480 Speaker 1: for joining me today. I'm so grateful that you made 447 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,480 Speaker 1: the time. I really hope that you're just trying to 448 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:52,720 Speaker 1: play one thing, just one thing that I shared today 449 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,479 Speaker 1: and watch how your life changes. Thanks for joining me 450 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:58,000 Speaker 1: on on purpose. I'll see you again very soon. Look 451 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,760 Speaker 1: out next week for more amazing episode. And of course 452 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:02,840 Speaker 1: we've been around for three years now. There are so 453 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:06,360 Speaker 1: many incredible episodes from the last three years with amazing guests, 454 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:12,600 Speaker 1: amazing solo episodes. Don't miss out. Thanks for listening. We're 455 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:16,520 Speaker 1: adding something new this year. I'm calling them Calm Moments. 456 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:20,040 Speaker 1: I'm going to give you special access to an episode 457 00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:23,280 Speaker 1: of The Daily J. The Daily J is a seven 458 00:26:23,359 --> 00:26:27,800 Speaker 1: minute daily meditation habit that's on Calm. I'm giving you 459 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,880 Speaker 1: a sneak peek into what you'll experience if you come 460 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,520 Speaker 1: over and get forty percent off a premium membership at 461 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,520 Speaker 1: Calm dot com. Forward slash J. I can't wait for 462 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,400 Speaker 1: you to experience this calm moment. Let's do it now. 463 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 1: When you're a kid, everyone asks you what do you 464 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:49,560 Speaker 1: want to be when you grow up? For me ages 465 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,720 Speaker 1: one through four, it was a cowboy, and then five 466 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:57,200 Speaker 1: through nine police officer. But why don't they ask you 467 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,480 Speaker 1: who you want to be? Us? As it is preoccupied 468 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:05,040 Speaker 1: with accomplishments, with checking items off a to do list, 469 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:10,000 Speaker 1: though I believe that character is far more important. So 470 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,600 Speaker 1: today I'm going to introduce you to the powerful tool 471 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:18,000 Speaker 1: of to b lists. These next seven minutes are about 472 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:23,320 Speaker 1: you and building positive qualities. I'm Ja Shetty. Welcome to 473 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,840 Speaker 1: the Daily J. Let's start by taking a few deep 474 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:43,119 Speaker 1: breaths to center ourselves inhaling and exhaling, expanding and releasing, 475 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:56,960 Speaker 1: focusing and relaxing. Beautiful. Have you ever thought about your 476 00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:00,760 Speaker 1: relationship with to do lists? If you're like me, then 477 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:04,679 Speaker 1: it's not always pretty. To do lists are supposed to 478 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:08,880 Speaker 1: be sources of organization and efficiency, but I have such 479 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:12,240 Speaker 1: a love hate relationship with mine. Sometimes I find myself 480 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,480 Speaker 1: running from task to task, trying to accomplish as much 481 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:16,120 Speaker 1: as possible.