1 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: This is Teddy Teapod. Hi, guys, welcome to this week's 2 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: Teddy Teapod. I am so excited to be co hosting 3 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,720 Speaker 1: with my friend Lourie Harder. She is incredible. She's number 4 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: one best selling author of a book called Tribe called 5 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:26,160 Speaker 1: Bliss Amazing by It, and she has a podcast called 6 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,159 Speaker 1: Earn You're Happy, and I was. I met her a 7 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 1: couple of years ago, and then I started following her 8 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 1: on social and I'm the kind of person that, like, 9 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,519 Speaker 1: I start following somebody on social and if they do 10 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:38,200 Speaker 1: something that bugs me, I like, I can't do it. 11 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:40,720 Speaker 1: But Laurie is that person where I just want more. 12 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 1: So I invited her to do a call with my 13 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 1: all in coaches because we do these learning calls, and honestly, 14 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 1: every single one of us was blown away. You filled 15 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,160 Speaker 1: our tank and I am so grateful to have you on. 16 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,720 Speaker 1: Oh my god, well, thank you so much. I feel 17 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 1: the exact same way when I was talking ak following you, um, 18 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,480 Speaker 1: and then I got to have you on my podcast, 19 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:07,479 Speaker 1: and it's just I think the coolest thing is number 20 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 1: one podcasting and actually getting to know the people that 21 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:13,440 Speaker 1: you follow or that you know look up too better, 22 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:16,480 Speaker 1: and it's like an hour with somebody can be life 23 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,960 Speaker 1: changing if you ask the right question. So I love 24 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:20,320 Speaker 1: being able to chat with you and have you on 25 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:23,120 Speaker 1: my podcast. That was totally amazing to get to know 26 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 1: you better, and you are like you are so layered, 27 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 1: like you. Thank you. I I think if people just 28 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 1: which by the way, I think you're everybody's favorite on 29 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:35,200 Speaker 1: everything that you're on. But with that said, I think 30 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,680 Speaker 1: that when people really get to know you, it's not 31 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: just like refreshing, but it is it's like a really 32 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:45,680 Speaker 1: amazing connection because you're so real. Thank you so much, 33 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:48,520 Speaker 1: and you know, while talking about real, let's get into 34 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 1: my my crap, um, let's do it. Um. I really 35 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: wanted to lean into hope and optimism this episode because this, 36 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:01,760 Speaker 1: you know, this past year or has been so many 37 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 1: you know, punches to everybody, and so there's been so 38 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:08,280 Speaker 1: much negativity and then there's also been so many like 39 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 1: changes and I know, even for myself when it comes 40 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,600 Speaker 1: to my my kids in my life, I know that 41 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,880 Speaker 1: I have gone through some struggles this year or we 42 00:02:17,919 --> 00:02:20,560 Speaker 1: have you know, we had a dog passed away, my 43 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:23,920 Speaker 1: daughter amputated her finger. Now I have another daughter who's 44 00:02:23,919 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: going to need neurosurgery, and I just feel like right 45 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,000 Speaker 1: as I'm about Like, I remember a couple of days 46 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:34,480 Speaker 1: before I was diagnosed, I said to my girlfriends we 47 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,000 Speaker 1: were on like one of these groups Zooms, and I said, Guys, 48 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,720 Speaker 1: I finally feel like the black cloud has been lifted. 49 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm appreciating the pen like I'm appreciating this 50 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 1: hometime with my family because um, my daughter's finger is better, 51 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,680 Speaker 1: and like she's able to do the thing she wants 52 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 1: to do, and I'm just finally feeling good. And then honestly, 53 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:57,840 Speaker 1: three days later it happened with Dove and I like 54 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:01,000 Speaker 1: just hit a wall and like I crumbled and I 55 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,359 Speaker 1: was like that for you know, over a week where 56 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,400 Speaker 1: I just was not able to see the positive side 57 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 1: of anything, and you know, I was trying to kind 58 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:12,120 Speaker 1: of fake it for my family and for you know, 59 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 1: just I've got to work. I've got to keep going 60 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,760 Speaker 1: one ft in front of the other. So you know, 61 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: I think, and I know You've gone through a lot 62 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,920 Speaker 1: of things too, Laurie this year, and I feel like 63 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:24,079 Speaker 1: the more people I talked to, so many people are 64 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,880 Speaker 1: going through it. So it's just like hope, optimism, is 65 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 1: so key right now. Oh my god, well, I I 66 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,480 Speaker 1: feel so much of that for you. And also, um, 67 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 1: you know, so many of the people that I know 68 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,000 Speaker 1: are going through things as well. And my dog passed 69 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,440 Speaker 1: away in January, um of thirteen and a half years. 70 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,560 Speaker 1: So we lost our dog and we were like, Okay, 71 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:47,200 Speaker 1: this is already off to a great start. And then 72 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:51,000 Speaker 1: the pandemic happened, and then we had, you know a 73 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:53,320 Speaker 1: lot of the just the things that are happening in 74 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 1: the world, and we had a lot of writing actually 75 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:58,520 Speaker 1: happening right on our block. Um, so that was something 76 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 1: that felt very very close, which it feels close for 77 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 1: everybody right now. And then my father in law passed away, 78 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 1: who is one of my husband's best friends. It kind 79 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,520 Speaker 1: of just all happened at once, and you know, I 80 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:12,640 Speaker 1: think something to kind of summarize some of the things 81 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,000 Speaker 1: that have helped, and I know that we'll dive into that, 82 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,120 Speaker 1: but it was literally the day before my father in 83 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:21,000 Speaker 1: law passed and we were really in a place of 84 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:24,880 Speaker 1: uncertainty just with what we should do around canceling large 85 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,720 Speaker 1: events or replanning large events, what we should do with 86 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:30,360 Speaker 1: our business, what we should do just with the direction 87 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: of our life and how we could also help with 88 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,200 Speaker 1: what was going on, what our role was, and what 89 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 1: our part was. Like I think we were all feeling 90 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,200 Speaker 1: that just totally lost, totally stripped of, like the path 91 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:43,279 Speaker 1: that we thought that we were once on and the planning, 92 00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:45,560 Speaker 1: in the scheduling. And the day before my father in 93 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,159 Speaker 1: law passed, I was on and walk with my husband Chris, 94 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,800 Speaker 1: and I said, you know, even though we feel this 95 00:04:51,839 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 1: way and crazy and uncertain, today could actually be as 96 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,520 Speaker 1: good as it gets, Like this could be the top 97 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,240 Speaker 1: of maybe our life, and we need to be really appreciative. 98 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 1: And we just had this moment of Wow, this could 99 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,159 Speaker 1: be as good as it gets. And then my father 100 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,720 Speaker 1: in law passed the next day and it was that 101 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,080 Speaker 1: moment of oh my god, we need to really realize 102 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,440 Speaker 1: that today, even though it's the craziest day, it could 103 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,240 Speaker 1: be as good as it gets today. Not saying that 104 00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:23,000 Speaker 1: there's not hope, but realizing that hope and gratitude are intertwined. 105 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,960 Speaker 1: They go hand in hand, and it's really, you know, 106 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,720 Speaker 1: hope for me as an active contract with God. It's 107 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,360 Speaker 1: an active it's faith in action. It's what happens when 108 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:36,360 Speaker 1: you believe that there is something better and you can 109 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 1: create it and that you have access to it. I 110 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,159 Speaker 1: think that's so huge And I got emotional just seeing 111 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:45,720 Speaker 1: your face talking about this because I just feel like 112 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,160 Speaker 1: right now we're all in that place where we want 113 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:50,640 Speaker 1: to wake up and feel like we have that hope 114 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 1: every single day and we and when it's not there 115 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,640 Speaker 1: or with the gratitude is not there, then you start 116 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:58,840 Speaker 1: almost feeling guilty, and you know, we just get into 117 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,920 Speaker 1: these patterns. You know, there was one just to kind 118 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,000 Speaker 1: of start off the episode. There was one day where 119 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:07,279 Speaker 1: I was really feeling low and I I texted out 120 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,320 Speaker 1: to the to my all in girls and just said, 121 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,599 Speaker 1: can all of you guys tell me what hope means 122 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,840 Speaker 1: to you? And I just want to read through some 123 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 1: of these because I feel like some of these are 124 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 1: going to resonate with those of you know, those of 125 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,839 Speaker 1: you listening in one way or another. So hope to 126 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,480 Speaker 1: me means waking up and believing that you are all 127 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,200 Speaker 1: going to be okay, that God only gives us what 128 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 1: we can handle, and that truly the best is yet 129 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:33,120 Speaker 1: to come. Hope for me is the universal promise that 130 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,880 Speaker 1: there's always something beautiful to look forward to. Hope for 131 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,600 Speaker 1: me is having positive state of mind that focuses on 132 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:43,120 Speaker 1: wanting to be better for myself and for others. Hope 133 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 1: for me is always being optimistic, thinking of the best 134 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,800 Speaker 1: case versus the worst case scenario, and knowing if things 135 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:52,359 Speaker 1: are hard that they will always get better. Hope equates 136 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,000 Speaker 1: to grit and strength. For me, hope means accepting that 137 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,279 Speaker 1: perfection doesn't exist and that forward is the pace I need, 138 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,599 Speaker 1: not anything more. Even on those tough days, I know 139 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,440 Speaker 1: that I have the power to push through with the 140 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:07,280 Speaker 1: support of an amazing community. So as I say that 141 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,920 Speaker 1: about an amazing community, I wanted to kind of lean 142 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 1: into you with this right now, when everything there's so 143 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 1: much conflict happening in the world, how do you think 144 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:23,800 Speaker 1: we build collective hope? Is there such thing? You know? 145 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:27,400 Speaker 1: I have been sitting in this question for a while, 146 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,080 Speaker 1: and I want to say that when everything kind of crumbled, 147 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,000 Speaker 1: when my father in law passed and we went home 148 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 1: to Wisconsin, UM and stayed in our famili's home like 149 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: six people under one small roof, UM, I gave myself 150 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,760 Speaker 1: the grace first of all to like feel everything and 151 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:48,040 Speaker 1: to cancel things, and to lean on people and I 152 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,120 Speaker 1: think that that's important to know that you're probably not 153 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:55,000 Speaker 1: going to feel like you are going to be able 154 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 1: to take massive action and create some sort of collective 155 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,880 Speaker 1: hope among you know, all the people your life right away. 156 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,160 Speaker 1: And I think as a leader, sometimes you can be like, 157 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,880 Speaker 1: oh my god, what do I do? Like I don't 158 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 1: know if you felt that way, but when this all 159 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:10,200 Speaker 1: started happening, I all I did was put more pressure 160 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 1: on myself to be like, what what do I need 161 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,600 Speaker 1: to be sharing? What do I need to be telling people? 162 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 1: And I think everyone's a leader in their life right 163 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 1: whether it's to their friends or their family, or they 164 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,000 Speaker 1: run a community, or their uh, you know, have a business, 165 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,800 Speaker 1: whatever that is. And I think it's really important for 166 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,280 Speaker 1: us to step back to really think about what you 167 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 1: actually need for yourself. And I think that it always 168 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:35,079 Speaker 1: starts with self, right and any any sort of being 169 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:40,360 Speaker 1: able to heal help create something move forward. You always 170 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:43,800 Speaker 1: have to just stop and listen into what you need 171 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:48,439 Speaker 1: in order to understand and tap into what your purpose 172 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,960 Speaker 1: and all of it is. Because it's very easy to 173 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,040 Speaker 1: go into some mass consciousness right now and be like 174 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,120 Speaker 1: she's doing this, he's doing this, they're doing this, I 175 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,320 Speaker 1: should do that, and it may not be actually how 176 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:03,240 Speaker 1: you are supposed to how in your life, in your community. 177 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,240 Speaker 1: And so I had to take a big step back 178 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,440 Speaker 1: because I couldn't even hear my own voice anymore. I 179 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,800 Speaker 1: was like drown out. I couldn't I wasn't feeling connected 180 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:14,800 Speaker 1: to God. I was feeling very like just alone, like 181 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,719 Speaker 1: alone in all of it. And I thought, Okay, you're 182 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,280 Speaker 1: not doing the things that you need to do to 183 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,360 Speaker 1: actually take care of yourself and connect back in to 184 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,160 Speaker 1: see what your role actually is in this. And I 185 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,480 Speaker 1: started to just kind of get the download for me 186 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:29,040 Speaker 1: that my role is to make sure that I'm taking 187 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:33,120 Speaker 1: care of myself and my family and my community, and 188 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,520 Speaker 1: then seeing in what way I can actually take action 189 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:40,480 Speaker 1: among my life right now, because it's really easy to 190 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,400 Speaker 1: think that you want to be like doing these big things, 191 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:46,800 Speaker 1: and it's almost like you feel helpless if you're not 192 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,160 Speaker 1: actually doing the thing that you should be doing. It's 193 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,440 Speaker 1: like we hear about all these different people who end 194 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,320 Speaker 1: up in careers that it's not the right career, and 195 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,560 Speaker 1: they're like, why is my life not working. It's the 196 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,240 Speaker 1: same exact thing. We all have a role in a 197 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,280 Speaker 1: different way that we need to be playing. So we 198 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,280 Speaker 1: need to like let go what we think we should 199 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,720 Speaker 1: be doing and just listening for just a little bit 200 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:06,840 Speaker 1: and take action on that. And I think that's how 201 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,600 Speaker 1: we're going to create connection, is all by listening to 202 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,600 Speaker 1: what we feel we should be doing first and letting 203 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,920 Speaker 1: the answers come. I fully agree. And you know, when 204 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,280 Speaker 1: I was really in it with the anxiety, I am 205 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 1: such a like a go getter type personality where I'm on, 206 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:26,760 Speaker 1: I'm doing it, I'm taking taking action, and my anxiety 207 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: was just through the roof to the point where, like 208 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,520 Speaker 1: I love to run, I couldn't run. I was like 209 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:34,480 Speaker 1: walking in slow motion, just like okay, for it is 210 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 1: a pace, for it is a pace you can do this. 211 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,480 Speaker 1: And I called my um. I have a girlfriend who's 212 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,920 Speaker 1: a therapist, Dr. Valerie Sedone, who actually has amazing breathing 213 00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:46,480 Speaker 1: exercises and et cetera. But I called her and I said, 214 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,200 Speaker 1: val I have never been more tired in my life. 215 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,560 Speaker 1: I do not know what's happening. All I want to 216 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 1: do is sleep, But it doesn't feel like a depression sleep. 217 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,120 Speaker 1: It's something else. And I'm beating myself up about it 218 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,440 Speaker 1: because I don't understand I'm going to bed at a 219 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 1: regular time, and she goes teddy. What you don't realize 220 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:11,480 Speaker 1: is when your anxiety is really high, you are exhausting yourself. 221 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 1: You don't realize that. She's like, if your anxiety is 222 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,280 Speaker 1: to the point where your hands are shaking and you're 223 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:19,640 Speaker 1: not clear headed, your court is all everything shot. So 224 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:23,600 Speaker 1: if you feel like you need to sleep, sleep, And 225 00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:25,880 Speaker 1: like the fact that she was able to say that 226 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,880 Speaker 1: to me, and the fact that like I could look 227 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,320 Speaker 1: at my husband and say, listen, this is what's happened. 228 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,200 Speaker 1: Like I had an answer and then I like took 229 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,280 Speaker 1: it away, and like, honestly there were two days where 230 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,160 Speaker 1: like every moment that the kids were happy, I was like, 231 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,680 Speaker 1: all right, I'm you know what, I'm napping, I'm taking 232 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:44,360 Speaker 1: I need this. And then I started to feel it 233 00:11:44,559 --> 00:11:47,320 Speaker 1: lift a little bit and then started feeling parts of 234 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,080 Speaker 1: myself come back. But I think it's you know, it's 235 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:54,040 Speaker 1: important to ask those questions to somebody who who knows 236 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,800 Speaker 1: and and be able to listen and take the advice 237 00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:00,920 Speaker 1: from somebody who's a professional um. But also when you 238 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,960 Speaker 1: when you have to pull away, like I have a 239 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,920 Speaker 1: group chat with all my girlfriends and you know, we 240 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 1: all just talk about whatever it may be from day 241 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,800 Speaker 1: to day, and I wasn't responding, so they just kept 242 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,800 Speaker 1: saying are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? 243 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,440 Speaker 1: And finally I just said, hey, guys, I need to 244 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,880 Speaker 1: tap out the next couple of days. I love you all, 245 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,480 Speaker 1: and I'm not like spiraling out of control. I just 246 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,320 Speaker 1: I don't need this responsibility right now, and I don't 247 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,760 Speaker 1: want you guys to feel like you've done anything. I 248 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:30,160 Speaker 1: just need time for me. So I think just asking 249 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,280 Speaker 1: ourselves how am I really feeling and what do I need? God, 250 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:37,200 Speaker 1: I resonate with all of that so much, especially the 251 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,120 Speaker 1: like why am I so exhausted? Why am I so tired? 252 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:45,160 Speaker 1: And I think sometimes we can confuse worry for faith 253 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:50,720 Speaker 1: or worry for action, and right You're like, if I'm worrying, 254 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,000 Speaker 1: I feel better because it can be like an addiction. 255 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,240 Speaker 1: It's it's actually like that's that thing you know when 256 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,320 Speaker 1: you realize, like your battery on your phone continues to 257 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 1: die and you're like, what's wrong with my phone? It's 258 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,520 Speaker 1: brand new, and your husband grabs it and he's like, 259 00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 1: you have twenty seven windows running in the background. Right, Oh, 260 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,040 Speaker 1: that's right. If I just close out of those like, 261 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,200 Speaker 1: maybe I can actually get back to self. And that's 262 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 1: been huge for me. Like what am I thinking that 263 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 1: I need to worry about right now that is actually 264 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,840 Speaker 1: draining me from from doing what I could be doing 265 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,920 Speaker 1: or feeling. And sometimes, you know, even this last last month, 266 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,960 Speaker 1: like I had to give myself permission and reframe that 267 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:31,000 Speaker 1: sometimes life is just about like being and like not 268 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,720 Speaker 1: thinking about anything and just walking in nature and not 269 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,640 Speaker 1: even thinking you need to create a purpose or worry 270 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:40,280 Speaker 1: about someone or be there for someone. Like I literally 271 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,360 Speaker 1: had to allow myself to cut ties exactly like you 272 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,120 Speaker 1: just did, and write a few friends and say, hey, 273 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,839 Speaker 1: I'm not going to do our masterminds now. And I 274 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,120 Speaker 1: didn't do my podcast for a whole month. I've done 275 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,160 Speaker 1: it religiously for four years straight. I was like, I 276 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,800 Speaker 1: I literally cannot do it right now. I need to 277 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,160 Speaker 1: cut off like responsibility to what I think I need 278 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,120 Speaker 1: to be right now and figure that adds that extra 279 00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:05,040 Speaker 1: you know, Like I have the same thing even about 280 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,960 Speaker 1: like with the the show that I'm on, you know, 281 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,600 Speaker 1: like I have a requirement to tweet and do these things, 282 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 1: and I'm like, this feels so crazy because this is 283 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,800 Speaker 1: not where my mindset is at all. So I mean, 284 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,000 Speaker 1: I think we're all just torn in so many directions, 285 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,840 Speaker 1: and I know we have to take a break in 286 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,520 Speaker 1: a second. But one other thing I do want to 287 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:27,360 Speaker 1: talk about is like with things consistently changing, so like 288 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,440 Speaker 1: people will get this surge of hope and they're like, Wow, 289 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:34,040 Speaker 1: things are opening, restaurants are opening, this is happening. Life 290 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,040 Speaker 1: seems like it's starting to go a little bit more 291 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,440 Speaker 1: back to normal. And then especially for us out here, 292 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,320 Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, it's like, nope, really back in, 293 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:46,160 Speaker 1: We're closing this, we're doing that. You know. Uh, parks 294 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,760 Speaker 1: and and hikes were open. Now they're starting to like 295 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 1: all those different things. So like, how do you start 296 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:55,360 Speaker 1: managing your expectations in the time of so many unknowns? 297 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,040 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, tell me when you figure it out. This 298 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:02,600 Speaker 1: is this really huge for me because um, you know, 299 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:06,400 Speaker 1: life may never it obviously isn't gonna be the same again, 300 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,960 Speaker 1: and we it may not be anything that we thought, 301 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,160 Speaker 1: but our beliefs are always going to be the thing 302 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,480 Speaker 1: that carry us through or give us hope. So what 303 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,840 Speaker 1: is your belief around what your future is going to 304 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:20,920 Speaker 1: look like. And for me, that means like instead of 305 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: me thinking, wait, this is the future that I wanted, 306 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:24,800 Speaker 1: this is who I was going to be, this is 307 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,760 Speaker 1: what I was gonna do, instead of gripping onto that, 308 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 1: I just I just read a Chinese proverb this morning 309 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,400 Speaker 1: on Instagram, So who knows what it is, but it 310 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:36,040 Speaker 1: said it said let go or be dragged. And to 311 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:39,880 Speaker 1: me that was so huge really thinking about what those 312 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:41,720 Speaker 1: things are that I thought I was gripping onto that 313 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 1: could potentially change that. If I don't, if I'm not 314 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,200 Speaker 1: willing to be nimble and let go and shift, that 315 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,440 Speaker 1: it's just gonna drag me and it's not going to 316 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,200 Speaker 1: be a fun ride. So my belief around what the 317 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:57,680 Speaker 1: future is is that whatever I my expectation is, God 318 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,760 Speaker 1: has a better one. So to let go faster, not 319 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:05,400 Speaker 1: be dragged by my old expectation, but to know that 320 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,240 Speaker 1: if I let go and kind of free fall, it's 321 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 1: like whatever is gonna happen is going to be better 322 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,720 Speaker 1: than what I was able to see. And I think 323 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,720 Speaker 1: that when we hold those beliefs of hey, I don't 324 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,920 Speaker 1: know best, that's what can always pull me through. Is 325 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,040 Speaker 1: like God, this is not what I expected. But if 326 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,280 Speaker 1: I've learned anything in my life, it's that on the 327 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,600 Speaker 1: other side of a long winter, where you see nothing, 328 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,160 Speaker 1: there's always something more beautiful than you could possibly imagine. 329 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,120 Speaker 1: Whether that's just the richness of who you're becoming or 330 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: the richness of relationships deepening. Um. You know, there's been 331 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,640 Speaker 1: so many gifts with COVID, even though it's been one 332 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,240 Speaker 1: of the most challenging times of life. I really think 333 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,440 Speaker 1: that we're gonna look back at this time and and 334 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,680 Speaker 1: maybe view it as the year of the Gift or 335 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:51,120 Speaker 1: whatever that is, because there are things that we are recognizing, noticing, 336 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,920 Speaker 1: relationships that are deepening, things that are being stripped away 337 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,360 Speaker 1: from you that you thought you needed, that you just 338 00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 1: don't need. How brees that you're putting up the relationships 339 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:07,960 Speaker 1: you no longer need, I completely fill you. And we 340 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,600 Speaker 1: have another guest that's in the waiting room, so we 341 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:14,040 Speaker 1: gotta take a quick break. But her name Shari Healey, 342 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,440 Speaker 1: and she is a possibilitarian, which I need to ask 343 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,320 Speaker 1: her about that. So let's take a quick break and 344 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:31,920 Speaker 1: let's bring her on. Hey, Hey, hi, Sharie, how are 345 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:36,760 Speaker 1: you great? How are you women? Good to see you. Um, Sharie, 346 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,040 Speaker 1: You're on with myself and Lorie Harder is a dear 347 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,560 Speaker 1: friend of mine, and we're both just gonna be you know, 348 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:47,840 Speaker 1: coming at you hot. Okay, do it. First things first, 349 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:52,000 Speaker 1: can you explain to us what a possibilitarian is. Yes, 350 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,800 Speaker 1: someone who will literally stop at nothing to get you 351 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:58,200 Speaker 1: what you want. I believe that everything is possible, and 352 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:02,159 Speaker 1: we just maybe didn't and how in school or you know, 353 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,520 Speaker 1: there's fears or beliefs that stand in our way. My 354 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,639 Speaker 1: whole reason for being is I think we all have 355 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,120 Speaker 1: a gift to give that, if not shared, is lost 356 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,600 Speaker 1: to the world forever. And so I'm here to really 357 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,600 Speaker 1: help people just bring it. So. I have a question. 358 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:21,680 Speaker 1: Do you think that some people are born more optimistic, 359 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,960 Speaker 1: more positive, or that these are learned things that they've 360 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,800 Speaker 1: done throughout their life or is it a combination. That 361 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,000 Speaker 1: is the best question. I think we're all born little 362 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:34,200 Speaker 1: joy beings. I really think we come in here like 363 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:39,840 Speaker 1: optimistic and excited to be alive, and then we learn 364 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:43,119 Speaker 1: either to get with the program and settle down and 365 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,720 Speaker 1: realize that life is alred, you know, and we learn 366 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:50,280 Speaker 1: I think pessimism and negativity. And that's not to say 367 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,160 Speaker 1: it's wrong. I think we're literally here for the whole 368 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:57,560 Speaker 1: ride to experience all the lessons and all the all 369 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,080 Speaker 1: the things. You know, that's part of what the a 370 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,400 Speaker 1: ride is all about. It's the light and the dark, 371 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,959 Speaker 1: you know, and it's just a matter of do you 372 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,760 Speaker 1: learn along the way how to handle it or or 373 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:13,280 Speaker 1: how to choose joy and optimism. I think our health 374 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,119 Speaker 1: and our well being is deeply tied to positivity, and 375 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:20,359 Speaker 1: I think it's something that can be relearned, remembered. And 376 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:24,359 Speaker 1: how do you think that plays into goal setting? M M. Well, 377 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,520 Speaker 1: you know, there's this thing that I talked about a lot. 378 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:29,000 Speaker 1: It's a success cycle, this sort of you can either 379 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,440 Speaker 1: be kind of in a downward spiral or an upward one, 380 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:35,480 Speaker 1: you know, moving forward. And if you believe enough that 381 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,760 Speaker 1: you are worthy or that a goal is possible, then 382 00:19:40,119 --> 00:19:44,080 Speaker 1: you're way more likely to actually get it. But there's 383 00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:46,800 Speaker 1: a simple hack that if you don't believe it, because 384 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 1: a lot of people have become negative or disbelieving because 385 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:55,680 Speaker 1: of life circumstances, you can just take action. You can 386 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,439 Speaker 1: just take simple steps, you know, in the direction of 387 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:03,560 Speaker 1: what you want, and that can't fail. It has to 388 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,320 Speaker 1: bring change and it has to bring results, which actually 389 00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:09,800 Speaker 1: then further reinforces belief. So you can get kind of 390 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:14,159 Speaker 1: in that upward forward motion like you're creating a habit, 391 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,200 Speaker 1: which is you know, I always say when it comes 392 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,840 Speaker 1: to working out or anything, like, you don't love doing 393 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:22,239 Speaker 1: something at first, when it becomes the habit, then all 394 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,439 Speaker 1: of a sudden it's something you crave and you need 395 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,480 Speaker 1: and it's part of your life. And then all of 396 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,680 Speaker 1: a sudden you realize that thing I'm going to work 397 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,800 Speaker 1: out doesn't mean that I'm going to run ten miles 398 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,320 Speaker 1: every day. It means that I may go on a 399 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,760 Speaker 1: nature walk with my kids, or I may do a 400 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:39,600 Speaker 1: restored with yoga. But I'm gonna do something for me. Yeah, 401 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,879 Speaker 1: and you nailed it. I think it's pleasure is a 402 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:46,199 Speaker 1: greater motivator than pain. And so if you are you know, 403 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,120 Speaker 1: saying I want to be healthy, I want to be well, 404 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,640 Speaker 1: and one day you feel like running a marathon, that's great, 405 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:55,000 Speaker 1: But the next day just hiking is it? Or maybe 406 00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:59,600 Speaker 1: it's hammock time. Man. I'm very serious about pleasure. And 407 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,679 Speaker 1: I think that the more we get that, you know, 408 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,000 Speaker 1: the more we become the people were here to be 409 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:09,399 Speaker 1: and become a real gift to others around us, you know, 410 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,679 Speaker 1: with the reinforcement that you just said, What do you 411 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:15,080 Speaker 1: think is important for people in their environment, like their 412 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,840 Speaker 1: day to day life, especially for those people who are 413 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,200 Speaker 1: not who maybe don't have the family and the friends, 414 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:25,159 Speaker 1: who feel like anything is possible. Yeah, well, given where 415 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,119 Speaker 1: we are right now in the world, I think this 416 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,880 Speaker 1: is more important than ever that in the day to day. 417 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 1: It starts with your mindset, you know, it starts with 418 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,239 Speaker 1: just a simple shift up here that says, what are 419 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:41,119 Speaker 1: we in right now? You know what, what craziness is 420 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,840 Speaker 1: happening all around us? And if we can kind of 421 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,840 Speaker 1: make sense of what's going on in the world in 422 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:50,040 Speaker 1: a way that supports us, in a way that reassures us. 423 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,119 Speaker 1: I think it comes down to feeling safe. You know, 424 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,480 Speaker 1: if you feel safe in your skin and in your 425 00:21:55,520 --> 00:22:00,480 Speaker 1: bones in some way, then so much more as possible. 426 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,160 Speaker 1: So they're just deciding what's going on in the world 427 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,879 Speaker 1: is really important, and we can talk more about that 428 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,159 Speaker 1: if you guys want to go there. But I actually 429 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,679 Speaker 1: have a girlfriend who I know listens to this podcast 430 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:16,320 Speaker 1: and she says that right now she has developed such 431 00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:20,320 Speaker 1: a fear about leaving her home because of everything that's 432 00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:22,640 Speaker 1: going on. But some things you need to leave your 433 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,800 Speaker 1: home for if you are you know, need to go 434 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,600 Speaker 1: to the doctor, you need to go to the store 435 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,400 Speaker 1: for your family, or any of those types of things. 436 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:31,560 Speaker 1: For people that are really in that huge state of fear, 437 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,320 Speaker 1: what do you recommend on getting out of that? Because 438 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,480 Speaker 1: you turn on the news and it can be debilitating, 439 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:40,639 Speaker 1: and I'd start right there, I would not turn on 440 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,840 Speaker 1: the news. I mean, listen, I'm not about not being informed. 441 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:49,119 Speaker 1: I'm really well informed, but I choose who my sources are, 442 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,240 Speaker 1: and I think there are a lot of really healthy, 443 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 1: valid um, independent, not opinionated, you know, old school people 444 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,639 Speaker 1: reporting on what's actually happening. When you turn on the 445 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:08,200 Speaker 1: main news streams, you're gonna get people's opinions laced in there. 446 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:12,200 Speaker 1: You're gonna get agendas, you're gonna get layers of stuff 447 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,919 Speaker 1: that will actually bring on fear, because as we know, 448 00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:18,399 Speaker 1: that's what sells. You know, you can go on the 449 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,520 Speaker 1: social media and go to the good news sources, which 450 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:24,120 Speaker 1: I think are really helpful because there's a whole lot 451 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,680 Speaker 1: of good happening right now in the world. To balance 452 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,320 Speaker 1: that out. If you feel like you have to go 453 00:23:28,359 --> 00:23:31,360 Speaker 1: on the mainstream media too. But I have a teacher, 454 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:36,640 Speaker 1: my guru actually who UM wise woman who I would 455 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,320 Speaker 1: defer to, probably more in scenarios like this, who is 456 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:43,280 Speaker 1: insistent that we do not let fear be our guide 457 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:46,200 Speaker 1: because fear is the cheapest seat in the house. It's 458 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,960 Speaker 1: the lowest vibration. And so you know what I mean, 459 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,520 Speaker 1: if you're in a really low vibration and you're you know, 460 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:57,160 Speaker 1: muscling fear, then that's what you're going to bring into 461 00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,879 Speaker 1: your life. That's what's gonna amplify. It's like what you 462 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:05,280 Speaker 1: focus on expands, where where focus goes, energy flows. They 463 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:08,240 Speaker 1: are all those ways of saying, like we really need 464 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:12,199 Speaker 1: to recommit to where we get our certainty from. I 465 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,160 Speaker 1: think that's also really important. Right now, your home alone, 466 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,720 Speaker 1: what is going to make you feel? It's a basic 467 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,560 Speaker 1: human needs certainty and we can program that, we can 468 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:25,560 Speaker 1: design that into our lives. So it can look like 469 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:26,919 Speaker 1: like what you were asking about, what do you do 470 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,800 Speaker 1: in your home? You know, spiritual practice. It could be 471 00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:34,520 Speaker 1: um really getting deeply committed to your health and well being. 472 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:39,719 Speaker 1: It can be prioritizing joy and connection, like doubling down 473 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,200 Speaker 1: on the people that you connect with even though your home, 474 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: because I think that's how we survive. I think that's 475 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,960 Speaker 1: how we're wired. And it's saying I am going to 476 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:52,040 Speaker 1: offset that fear with love love for self. I mean, 477 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:54,400 Speaker 1: now would be a really great time to practice how 478 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:58,119 Speaker 1: you're loving on yourself and who you're becoming in this life, 479 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:02,040 Speaker 1: so that you feel like you're in control, even though 480 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,520 Speaker 1: you know, we know we're not totally in control, but 481 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:09,080 Speaker 1: that we have some control in this and I think 482 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,880 Speaker 1: that's vital. And if you are in a place where 483 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:16,000 Speaker 1: you're having a really hard time loving yourself, Yeah, what 484 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,439 Speaker 1: are some tools that we can give our listeners that 485 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,040 Speaker 1: like tangible tools can go Okay, these are one, two, 486 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:23,399 Speaker 1: and three that I could do to really start loving 487 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:27,240 Speaker 1: myself and appreciating my value in those types of things. Yeah, 488 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,120 Speaker 1: I mean this is the highest practice. We just need 489 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:33,280 Speaker 1: to honor everyone that this is. Like some people will 490 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,240 Speaker 1: make it through this life and not nail this one. 491 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,160 Speaker 1: It's human school one. Oh. I think it's or maybe 492 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,840 Speaker 1: we should call it the advanced course, because falling in 493 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,360 Speaker 1: love with yourself is the ultimate and so I think 494 00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:49,199 Speaker 1: to make it really practical and tangible, it starts with like, 495 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:52,920 Speaker 1: this is gonna sound not related, but it is. What's 496 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:56,399 Speaker 1: your metaphor for life? Okay, So, like, do you see 497 00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:01,920 Speaker 1: yourself as my favor it is surfing. I am surfing 498 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:03,800 Speaker 1: the waves. I am here to have the time of 499 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:05,600 Speaker 1: my life. Nobody ever gets on the ocean for a 500 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,600 Speaker 1: bad time, right, So, so I think we all came 501 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,440 Speaker 1: here to like really rock out becoming who we're here 502 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:15,040 Speaker 1: to become. I am still trying to fully become me. 503 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,640 Speaker 1: I think that's why I do this work with people, 504 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:19,000 Speaker 1: because I want everybody to really not hold back, you know, 505 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,800 Speaker 1: like we all need to be fully dialed on. But 506 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:26,000 Speaker 1: if I see myself as a surfer, I am generally 507 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,879 Speaker 1: going to see that I'm out here in the world 508 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,480 Speaker 1: doing my best. I go out into the water. Sometimes 509 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:33,720 Speaker 1: the waves are going to be giant, like they are 510 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,200 Speaker 1: right now, and in sets that just never stopped coming, 511 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,479 Speaker 1: and sometimes I will be down in the rip at 512 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:43,280 Speaker 1: the bottom of the ocean floor, and sometimes there'll be 513 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:45,360 Speaker 1: no waves and I'll be bored, and I'll be out there, 514 00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:48,480 Speaker 1: hopefully with my friends, you know. But if I look 515 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,520 Speaker 1: at life like that, then when a wave comes and 516 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,199 Speaker 1: I get knocked out, I'd do something silly, you know, 517 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:59,240 Speaker 1: or I I could say I failed. There is no 518 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:02,320 Speaker 1: failing if you're out there right. This is a simple 519 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,879 Speaker 1: way of seeing how you're showing up in the world 520 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,920 Speaker 1: and going at well back on the board next wave, 521 00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:11,879 Speaker 1: you know. Or if there's a tussle out there with 522 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,960 Speaker 1: people all in the water, you know, you come back 523 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:18,760 Speaker 1: to wait. I'm here to become my best self. I'm 524 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:21,199 Speaker 1: just here to become Shari. You guys are there to 525 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,840 Speaker 1: become you, you know. And if we can soften with 526 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,200 Speaker 1: what that looks like, I think that's at the base 527 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,240 Speaker 1: of it. That's really like giving ourselves the self compassion. Also, 528 00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:33,960 Speaker 1: Kristen Enough is the writer of the book Self Compassion. 529 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:38,280 Speaker 1: She's so brilliant. This is a really practical moment. She's 530 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,719 Speaker 1: She tells a story about how she's on a plane, 531 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:44,640 Speaker 1: like a cross continental super long flight with her son, 532 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:49,239 Speaker 1: who is having the world's most giant tantrum, you know, 533 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,240 Speaker 1: like of course right in the middle of the night 534 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:53,240 Speaker 1: when everyone's trying to sleep on the plane and he 535 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:57,800 Speaker 1: is freaking out in the aisles, fleaeling, throwing his body around, 536 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,399 Speaker 1: and that would be kind of like an what it 537 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:04,159 Speaker 1: feels like right now in the world. And she instead 538 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:07,480 Speaker 1: of you know, putting all of her attention on him 539 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:09,400 Speaker 1: and trying to calm him down and freaking out about 540 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,520 Speaker 1: what people are thinking about her, she does this miraculous 541 00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:15,200 Speaker 1: thing where she puts about ten of her attention on him, 542 00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:18,560 Speaker 1: puts her hand on his body and just allows for 543 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,200 Speaker 1: some energy and love to go through her to him, 544 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:25,679 Speaker 1: to calm him with her attention on herself, and starts 545 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,880 Speaker 1: talking to herself like she's her best friend, like, oh baby, 546 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:30,879 Speaker 1: you're doing such a good job. Look at you. You 547 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:36,000 Speaker 1: great mama, this is so hard, I love you. Just 548 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,560 Speaker 1: just drenches herself with exactly the way we would talk 549 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:43,720 Speaker 1: to each other, you know, And within minutes he calmed, 550 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,400 Speaker 1: I mean, I think you hit it. She both of 551 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:49,120 Speaker 1: you guys had the nail on the head. Is like, 552 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:52,800 Speaker 1: sometimes we talk to ourselves in a way we would 553 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:59,200 Speaker 1: never talk to anybody. Never I find myself some of myself, 554 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,520 Speaker 1: you know though, I'm like, what are you doing to yourself? 555 00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:04,920 Speaker 1: And then it, you know, it turns into such a spiral, 556 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:07,520 Speaker 1: and I so I think that's so important is what 557 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:12,560 Speaker 1: are what are the things we continue repeating to ourselves? 558 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:14,440 Speaker 1: And you know, you think about that friend who just 559 00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:17,520 Speaker 1: doesn't want to go outside. And I know there's all 560 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:20,200 Speaker 1: kinds of science and data that say getting out in nature, 561 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:24,120 Speaker 1: barefoot in the dirt is critical for your health right now, 562 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:28,560 Speaker 1: for your gut, for the microbiome, for for your immune system, 563 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,960 Speaker 1: for the vitamin D you know, all the reasons that 564 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:33,959 Speaker 1: we know in our bones, we knew what made us 565 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,960 Speaker 1: healthy before all of this. And so she just needs 566 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,520 Speaker 1: to really like sit there and do maybe a silent 567 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:44,080 Speaker 1: you know, eyes closed practice, just saying like I am love, 568 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:48,160 Speaker 1: I am love, I am love, like just drenching herself 569 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:50,640 Speaker 1: on that, because we all are actually at our route. 570 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,760 Speaker 1: We are love. We just you know, get out there 571 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:56,000 Speaker 1: and fight her flight and survival mode and we forget 572 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,360 Speaker 1: so she can remember that and then put her little 573 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:01,880 Speaker 1: mask on, you know, and go out and go where 574 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,880 Speaker 1: there's not going to be anyone else, if that's what 575 00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:07,520 Speaker 1: feels safer. But get out there or like you know, 576 00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 1: Hacket in ways that she can get her groceries delivered 577 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:12,600 Speaker 1: and all the things. But be really kind to herself, 578 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:16,240 Speaker 1: because I think the gentler she can be about this 579 00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:19,880 Speaker 1: moment in time, and knowing that, you know, if she 580 00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:22,520 Speaker 1: could just say like I am held if there's some 581 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:25,480 Speaker 1: kind of knowing that the world is conspiring for us, 582 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,160 Speaker 1: that this moment is a great awakening, I think, and 583 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,560 Speaker 1: that we're going to come through this way better humans, 584 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:36,080 Speaker 1: all of us. It's just self soothing for her, it's 585 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:39,120 Speaker 1: going to be really important. Well, thank you so much 586 00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:43,720 Speaker 1: for joining us. And self self soothing, good self talk, 587 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:46,080 Speaker 1: all of these things are so important, and I appreciate 588 00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:49,239 Speaker 1: you for joining us today. I love it. It's so 589 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 1: fun being with you. Where do people find you? Oh, 590 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:57,360 Speaker 1: instead the Luminaries, UM, because I think we're all just 591 00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,360 Speaker 1: big shiny light people who need to get out there 592 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:02,600 Speaker 1: and light up this world. And Shari Healy dot com 593 00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:15,960 Speaker 1: perfect much. All right, take care. So you guys, I'm 594 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:20,360 Speaker 1: so excited to have this next guest on Dr Topeka UM. 595 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:23,080 Speaker 1: And then you're joining myself and my friend Laurie Harder. 596 00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:27,880 Speaker 1: Thank you Joinning Teddy teapod today. Hi, I'm so excited 597 00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:32,080 Speaker 1: to be here because I honestly went through all like 598 00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:35,640 Speaker 1: one I watched your UM, I read your Forbes article, 599 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,680 Speaker 1: and I immediately became obsessed with you. I was like, 600 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,840 Speaker 1: this is so incredible. So do you mind if we 601 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:50,160 Speaker 1: even just start there? Like the twelve ways to be optimistic? Sure, um, yeah, 602 00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:53,760 Speaker 1: well actually I have um like a hundred ways to 603 00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:57,400 Speaker 1: be optimistic. Um. I actually created the things are Looking 604 00:31:57,440 --> 00:32:01,200 Speaker 1: at Optimism deck of cards and this has fifty two ways. 605 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:07,080 Speaker 1: Um there science based um or holistic based suggestions or 606 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:11,920 Speaker 1: prompts that actually inspire optimism and resiliency. And so when 607 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:15,280 Speaker 1: I was interviewed for Forbes, um, it was really difficult 608 00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,480 Speaker 1: to pick just twelve. That's the hardest thing for me 609 00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:21,280 Speaker 1: is picking like a short list. There's so many, and 610 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,920 Speaker 1: most of them are you know, coming from resources or 611 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:29,360 Speaker 1: tools that we actually all already possessed. We just uh 612 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:37,560 Speaker 1: don't really have the experience or time or um information 613 00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:40,600 Speaker 1: to really start sharpening those tools. And that's what I'm 614 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:43,640 Speaker 1: really passionate about is helping people create their own tools 615 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:48,280 Speaker 1: that they can use um in their everyday life. Um. 616 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:50,959 Speaker 1: You know, that is a way of self mastery, so 617 00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:54,920 Speaker 1: it doesn't require being dependent on anyone else. And something 618 00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:58,240 Speaker 1: else that I I saw that you were talking about 619 00:32:58,320 --> 00:33:04,000 Speaker 1: that I really loved is the evidence based manifestation. Can 620 00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:07,520 Speaker 1: you explain that a little bit? Yeah, So for me, 621 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:12,080 Speaker 1: that really, um, my specialty is really blending together holistic 622 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:17,120 Speaker 1: practices with real evidence based science. I'm um definitely a 623 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:20,760 Speaker 1: bit of a brain nerd. And for me, the way 624 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:23,600 Speaker 1: that whole path went was I did not get into 625 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,480 Speaker 1: anything that I'm doing right now from a linear way 626 00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:32,080 Speaker 1: at all. It was all over the place I actually started. UM. 627 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:34,560 Speaker 1: When I was in undergrad I worked for a punk label, 628 00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:39,240 Speaker 1: which was really interesting and amazing. Um. And then I 629 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:41,960 Speaker 1: was actually an investment banker, and then I worked in 630 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:45,800 Speaker 1: the public health realm um. And then I found my 631 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,560 Speaker 1: way in a bit of a crisis and not sure 632 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:52,800 Speaker 1: really what I wanted to do, and UM, I took 633 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:56,720 Speaker 1: a trip to Japan actually by myself in my mid twenties, 634 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,120 Speaker 1: and I just booked a one way ticket and it 635 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:02,360 Speaker 1: was sort of my eat, pray, love, I guess at 636 00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,840 Speaker 1: a super young age. I just literally called my parents 637 00:34:05,880 --> 00:34:07,200 Speaker 1: and I was like, I quit my job and I 638 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,440 Speaker 1: bought a ticket to Japan. And they were like what. 639 00:34:10,239 --> 00:34:13,240 Speaker 1: And I've never I'm not like a big risk taker. 640 00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:15,880 Speaker 1: So this was very shocking too many people. But for 641 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:17,719 Speaker 1: some reason I at that time I felt like I 642 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,640 Speaker 1: really needed Japan. I don't know why, and so I 643 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:24,280 Speaker 1: went and I went for a couple of months and UM, 644 00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:26,680 Speaker 1: The long story short is it gave me a lot 645 00:34:26,719 --> 00:34:30,200 Speaker 1: of time to just figure out the things that I 646 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:33,440 Speaker 1: was passionate about and the things that I really wanted 647 00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:36,640 Speaker 1: to do and things that I had been doing in 648 00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:39,840 Speaker 1: my sort of previous really early on in careers. I 649 00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:42,799 Speaker 1: graduated from undergrad pretty early, I I wanted to get 650 00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:44,960 Speaker 1: out into the workforce, which is really ironic because I 651 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,680 Speaker 1: ended up going back to school for many many years 652 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:51,960 Speaker 1: after that. But basically, I you know, came back and 653 00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:56,359 Speaker 1: I decided I wanted to pursue psychology, and UM, I 654 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,799 Speaker 1: knocked on every single door at U c l a 655 00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:02,640 Speaker 1: s Neuropsychiatric Institute because I'm U c l A was 656 00:35:02,719 --> 00:35:06,200 Speaker 1: my alma mater for undergrad too, and um, two people 657 00:35:06,239 --> 00:35:08,040 Speaker 1: gave me a chance, and I fell in love with 658 00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:12,120 Speaker 1: the field, and I applied for my master's program. I 659 00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:14,360 Speaker 1: ended up completing that and then doing my doctorate in 660 00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:18,680 Speaker 1: clinical health psychology. And really, like, I've always been someone 661 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:27,480 Speaker 1: that has had a really connected spiritual practice and UM, 662 00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:30,320 Speaker 1: but I also was that same person that always needed 663 00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:32,080 Speaker 1: to know why. I was the kid that was like, 664 00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:35,360 Speaker 1: but why, but why? And so I think I used, 665 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:41,560 Speaker 1: um selfishly my grad school experience to really research some 666 00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:43,520 Speaker 1: of the things I really believed in, but I didn't 667 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,200 Speaker 1: know why they worked, and I wanted to know why 668 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:48,400 Speaker 1: from like a research point of view, and so UM 669 00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:53,239 Speaker 1: I really dug into making my graduate research and even 670 00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,680 Speaker 1: my dissertation the whole thing on just almost like a 671 00:35:56,719 --> 00:36:00,360 Speaker 1: self discovery path. And I think that's really one of 672 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:02,520 Speaker 1: the only ways to get through a dissertation. You need 673 00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:05,480 Speaker 1: to really love and be super curious about what you're 674 00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:08,080 Speaker 1: doing because it's so much time and so much effort. 675 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:10,839 Speaker 1: And so I ended up doing my dissertation UM during 676 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:16,280 Speaker 1: grad school on UM basically how to increase more positive 677 00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:21,280 Speaker 1: future directed thinking. So that's optimism through various UH tools, 678 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:23,800 Speaker 1: and one of which I really studied was sensory based 679 00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:27,160 Speaker 1: visual imagery, and so that's visualization. And this was like 680 00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:29,960 Speaker 1: over a decade ago. UM. There wasn't much on it 681 00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:33,439 Speaker 1: then like there is now, And the people that were 682 00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:36,160 Speaker 1: more in the scientific community that I was running into 683 00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:39,960 Speaker 1: were like, what you're doing seems a little too hippotie dippity. 684 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,319 Speaker 1: And then the people in the hippotie dippity community were like, 685 00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:44,880 Speaker 1: you seem like you're a little too science, And so 686 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 1: I felt like it took a really long time to 687 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:50,160 Speaker 1: blend the two and find my time and space and 688 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:52,880 Speaker 1: it's right now, which is pretty cool. I just stuck 689 00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:55,080 Speaker 1: stuck to it because it's all I knew and all 690 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:58,440 Speaker 1: I wanted to do. But but within that search, I 691 00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:02,200 Speaker 1: really started researching the brain more and I found that 692 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:05,200 Speaker 1: the brain, UM, we don't know everything about the brain, 693 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:07,120 Speaker 1: but we do know quite a bit, and we keep 694 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,560 Speaker 1: learning more. And what we know about the brain is 695 00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:14,120 Speaker 1: it's anticipatory organ So the brain UM is future directed. 696 00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:17,319 Speaker 1: And I mean this in terms of everything that our 697 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:20,440 Speaker 1: brain does. UM. You know, is in future tense, like 698 00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:23,440 Speaker 1: what you see UM. Your brain tells you what you 699 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:26,879 Speaker 1: see faster than your eyes see it. And sometimes when 700 00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:30,160 Speaker 1: you think about eating a specific type of food, your 701 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:33,480 Speaker 1: brain already releases enough insulin to break down that food 702 00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:36,400 Speaker 1: even before you eat the food. So it's always creating 703 00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:39,640 Speaker 1: these like future directed pathways that are really great because 704 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:43,520 Speaker 1: your brain's efficient UM. And so it was confusing to 705 00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:46,279 Speaker 1: me that so many of the theoretical perspectives I was 706 00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:50,839 Speaker 1: studying UM within the therapy world, we're past driven. And 707 00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:52,480 Speaker 1: I was kind of like, I think a lot of 708 00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:55,439 Speaker 1: people are getting to the idea of you know, being 709 00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:57,319 Speaker 1: in the here and the now, but not a lot 710 00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,799 Speaker 1: of people are sort of putting enough weight on how 711 00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:04,560 Speaker 1: important your future directed thoughts are and everything that you 712 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:07,680 Speaker 1: think about in your future, whether it's two minutes from now, 713 00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:10,279 Speaker 1: ten minutes from now, an hour for an hour, five 714 00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:12,880 Speaker 1: years from now, that it affects how you feel, and 715 00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,839 Speaker 1: that affects your emotions, which then affect your behavior. So 716 00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:19,600 Speaker 1: I started getting really interested in this idea of what 717 00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:24,160 Speaker 1: are people expecting and so UM right now we're sort 718 00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:26,680 Speaker 1: of in and I'm in l A obviously, so I'm 719 00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:29,120 Speaker 1: on the coast. I'm biased, but I feel like over 720 00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:32,120 Speaker 1: the past couple of years, you can't really get like, 721 00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:36,760 Speaker 1: you can't go by UM your day without hearing someone 722 00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:39,719 Speaker 1: say the M word manifestation. It's sort of blown up 723 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:45,440 Speaker 1: and become this really popular UM process or idea, and 724 00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:47,799 Speaker 1: a lot of it comes from the Law of Attraction 725 00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:53,120 Speaker 1: and UM this book that was written by Abraham Hicks 726 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:57,360 Speaker 1: and anyway, that's a whole another story, but basically I 727 00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:00,600 Speaker 1: think that for me, when I say evidence based me innifestation, 728 00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:05,120 Speaker 1: I put less emphasis on what people want and I 729 00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:07,719 Speaker 1: put a lot more emphasis on what people are expecting 730 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:12,239 Speaker 1: because the research really shows that you don't always get 731 00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:15,040 Speaker 1: what you want, but you most always get what you expect. 732 00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:17,600 Speaker 1: And so for me, the work with people is bridging 733 00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:20,759 Speaker 1: that gap. Like, you could want something ten out of ten, 734 00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:23,160 Speaker 1: but if you only expect it that it could happen 735 00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:26,360 Speaker 1: two out of ten, it's most likely not happening. So 736 00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:29,560 Speaker 1: it's really bridging that gap. Did you give an example 737 00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:33,520 Speaker 1: for me? Yeah? Sure. So for example, let's say somebody 738 00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:37,279 Speaker 1: really wants to be in a relationship, and you know, 739 00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:40,279 Speaker 1: ten out of ten, ten they've made vision boards of 740 00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:42,919 Speaker 1: who their future partner would look like, what they would 741 00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:45,520 Speaker 1: be like, how it would feel to be with them, 742 00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:47,960 Speaker 1: all of that, and if you ask them, yeah, to 743 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:51,640 Speaker 1: measure it, they're like, yes, I I want this so badly. 744 00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:54,919 Speaker 1: It's what I want more than anything, is to manifest relationship. 745 00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:59,400 Speaker 1: And then I forget to ask them, well, how likely 746 00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:01,240 Speaker 1: do you think that is to happen on a scale 747 00:40:01,239 --> 00:40:03,879 Speaker 1: of one to ten? Also, you know, do you think 748 00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:05,680 Speaker 1: that this is going to happen for you and that 749 00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:08,200 Speaker 1: it can happen? And if they're like, well, I want 750 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:10,759 Speaker 1: it ten out of ten, but I only believe that 751 00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:12,799 Speaker 1: it would happen three out of ten, then we have 752 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:16,000 Speaker 1: some work to do. So basically, if our brain works 753 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,439 Speaker 1: again like that what I was talking about it being 754 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:22,320 Speaker 1: really efficient. Our brain really puts forth the energy because 755 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:27,240 Speaker 1: we don't have an unlimited quantity of energy um and 756 00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:31,560 Speaker 1: an unlimited attentional capacity. It's limited, and so our brain 757 00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:35,200 Speaker 1: puts forth energy into things and helps us problems solved 758 00:40:35,239 --> 00:40:38,160 Speaker 1: into things that we actually expect could be true. Otherwise 759 00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,319 Speaker 1: it's sort of a waste. It's kind of like you 760 00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:42,640 Speaker 1: might really want to win the lottery, and if given 761 00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:44,279 Speaker 1: the chance, you'd be like, of course I want to 762 00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:46,560 Speaker 1: win the lottery, But you probably don't buy a lottery 763 00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:49,200 Speaker 1: ticket every day because you don't expect to win, right, 764 00:40:49,600 --> 00:40:51,879 Speaker 1: And it's that's just how our brain works. And so 765 00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:55,760 Speaker 1: if you don't expect that a positive you know, relationship 766 00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:58,200 Speaker 1: can come your way or you can make it happen, 767 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,400 Speaker 1: you probably aren't you know it in yourself. It's not magic. 768 00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:05,320 Speaker 1: It's that you probably aren't putting yourself in situations where 769 00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:08,160 Speaker 1: you might attract that or they may be available to you. 770 00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:11,359 Speaker 1: Whereas if you believed it more and you thought, yeah, 771 00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:13,799 Speaker 1: this I really deserve this, I believe this, it can 772 00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:16,080 Speaker 1: happen for me and it will happen for me. You're 773 00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:19,040 Speaker 1: probably that person that's more likely to start etching away 774 00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:22,760 Speaker 1: at your goal, like you know, being social or saying 775 00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:25,320 Speaker 1: yes to people that want to introduce you to people, 776 00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:29,680 Speaker 1: or um, you know, being in a confident state where 777 00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:32,960 Speaker 1: you are open to meet somebody. Does that make sense? Yes, 778 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:36,000 Speaker 1: And so if you're not like you could want it, 779 00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:38,440 Speaker 1: but maybe you're you know, it's sort of that idea 780 00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:41,520 Speaker 1: that people talk about self sabotage, but really it's like 781 00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:43,680 Speaker 1: if you don't expect something to happen and you really 782 00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:46,600 Speaker 1: really want it, and that bridge isn't gapped, then your 783 00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:48,840 Speaker 1: brain isn't working for you to try to help you 784 00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:52,760 Speaker 1: come up with solutions and problem solve your way into 785 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:55,480 Speaker 1: making that more of a reality. Do you think that 786 00:41:55,560 --> 00:42:00,759 Speaker 1: a lot of people are aware that they are doing that, 787 00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:05,040 Speaker 1: like that they're not actually expecting it, they're just wanting it. No, 788 00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:09,440 Speaker 1: I don't I think that. Um, we've only recently got 789 00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:13,680 Speaker 1: into this whole um sort of phase or I don't 790 00:42:13,719 --> 00:42:16,080 Speaker 1: even know what to call it, but we've only recently 791 00:42:16,160 --> 00:42:20,200 Speaker 1: kind of accepted this idea of kind of like self 792 00:42:20,239 --> 00:42:24,279 Speaker 1: growth and working on ourselves and the popular topics are 793 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:28,680 Speaker 1: kind of you know, gratitude which is great, and manifesting 794 00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:32,000 Speaker 1: or knowing what you want, and sort of vision boarding. 795 00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:34,239 Speaker 1: Over the last like five or six years or maybe 796 00:42:34,239 --> 00:42:36,480 Speaker 1: even ten, it's been like this popular thing for people 797 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:39,440 Speaker 1: to do, like vision board parties, and it's become more 798 00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:43,720 Speaker 1: mainstream that mainstream even like people in offices talk about 799 00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:46,440 Speaker 1: vision boarding, which is all amazing and all great, But 800 00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:49,120 Speaker 1: I still think that this idea of the connection to 801 00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:53,160 Speaker 1: the expectation UM, when I speak about it to crowds 802 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:55,440 Speaker 1: of you know, hundreds of people, it's like this aha 803 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:58,200 Speaker 1: moment where they hadn't really thought about that before and 804 00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:01,440 Speaker 1: connected to the two together or even ask themselves that 805 00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:05,600 Speaker 1: follow up question, um, you know, after really figuring out 806 00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:08,680 Speaker 1: what they want, how much they actually expect it or 807 00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:12,080 Speaker 1: what are they anticipating, and how do those two match 808 00:43:12,239 --> 00:43:15,759 Speaker 1: or completely not match? And that's to me where I 809 00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:18,640 Speaker 1: feel the real work has to be done is bridging that. 810 00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:23,160 Speaker 1: So for example, if someone UM doesn't has has it 811 00:43:23,160 --> 00:43:27,279 Speaker 1: holds the core belief that they don't really love themselves. UM, 812 00:43:27,320 --> 00:43:30,960 Speaker 1: you know, there's work that has to be done before 813 00:43:31,440 --> 00:43:34,960 Speaker 1: they can manifest all the things that can and will happen. 814 00:43:35,040 --> 00:43:38,839 Speaker 1: If they do love themselves. But there's another whole caveat 815 00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:42,680 Speaker 1: here where I don't believe that the effective way to 816 00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:46,680 Speaker 1: that is are these blanket statement affirmations. So a way 817 00:43:46,680 --> 00:43:49,319 Speaker 1: they get there is not and I'm gonna be very 818 00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:51,360 Speaker 1: clear about that is not looking in front of the 819 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:54,359 Speaker 1: mirror and just saying ten times I love myself. Because 820 00:43:54,440 --> 00:43:57,239 Speaker 1: your brain is much smarter than that. Um. You know, 821 00:43:57,680 --> 00:43:59,279 Speaker 1: you have to believe it, and it has to be 822 00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:02,600 Speaker 1: authentic and it has to be true otherwise your brain. 823 00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,520 Speaker 1: Let's say that's your core belief, you don't love yourself 824 00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:08,160 Speaker 1: and you don't deserve a good relationship, and you stand 825 00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:10,360 Speaker 1: in front of a mirror and say the exact opposite. 826 00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:13,200 Speaker 1: Your brain has thirty plus years on its side that 827 00:44:13,239 --> 00:44:16,560 Speaker 1: has collected evidence to believe that to be untrue. And 828 00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:19,279 Speaker 1: we'll just that's what your mind will do. It'll say, no, 829 00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:22,360 Speaker 1: that's not true. You say that, you can start to 830 00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:24,080 Speaker 1: do it, and then also, how do you teach that 831 00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:27,960 Speaker 1: to your children? Yeah, so the way you can start 832 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:31,399 Speaker 1: to do it is there are plenty of statements or 833 00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:34,160 Speaker 1: if you want to call them, affirmations, that you can 834 00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:36,560 Speaker 1: say that you truly do believe that maybe aren't as 835 00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:39,439 Speaker 1: weighty and big in general as that. So I'd rather 836 00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:42,200 Speaker 1: help someone come up with a couple that they actually believe, 837 00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:45,680 Speaker 1: like seven out of ten. So in that circumstance, I 838 00:44:45,680 --> 00:44:48,839 Speaker 1: would ask them, you know, what's one thing that you 839 00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:51,720 Speaker 1: do really enjoy about yourself or you do like about yourself? 840 00:44:51,719 --> 00:44:54,840 Speaker 1: And maybe they can pick something, you know, small or big, 841 00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:57,960 Speaker 1: but it's specific, and so maybe it's like I really 842 00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:00,560 Speaker 1: like what a loyal friend I am, or or how 843 00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:04,479 Speaker 1: I tell a story, or you know, I I'm really 844 00:45:04,480 --> 00:45:07,759 Speaker 1: respectful or I'm really honest. And so then I'd have 845 00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:10,359 Speaker 1: them measure that those statements and if they believe those 846 00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:12,360 Speaker 1: to be seven out of tent, those are the statements. 847 00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:13,920 Speaker 1: I want them to stay in front of the mirror, 848 00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:15,920 Speaker 1: and you say them enough times and you believe them. 849 00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:20,560 Speaker 1: You start then seeking out other pieces of evidence that 850 00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:24,080 Speaker 1: go towards like you like yourself, and after a while 851 00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:27,120 Speaker 1: you have enough evidence that you actually can say that 852 00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:30,680 Speaker 1: it's just too fast. I love that. That's so smart. 853 00:45:30,760 --> 00:45:33,200 Speaker 1: Like I just started thinking about mine. I'm like, Lorie, 854 00:45:33,239 --> 00:45:36,360 Speaker 1: what's yours? Mine is? I Like, I'm a really committed person, 855 00:45:36,520 --> 00:45:39,600 Speaker 1: I am very organized person, and I by says I 856 00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:41,880 Speaker 1: I keep my word, but like loriie, what are yours? 857 00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:46,000 Speaker 1: And then what are yours? Dr Pica? Um, you know 858 00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:49,080 Speaker 1: what mine is. I like to create experiences for people. 859 00:45:49,239 --> 00:45:52,800 Speaker 1: I'm fun. I like to make people laugh like I 860 00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:58,120 Speaker 1: I like to make people laugh. Um. I like my energy. Yeah, 861 00:45:58,320 --> 00:46:03,839 Speaker 1: I can feel it from zoom. That's amazing. Um. Yeah. 862 00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:07,840 Speaker 1: So it's really more so about being specific, um instead 863 00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:10,840 Speaker 1: of like general, and making it really custom and unique 864 00:46:10,880 --> 00:46:13,200 Speaker 1: to you. And the more you're able, And that's really 865 00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:15,600 Speaker 1: true for so many things. It's true for when you 866 00:46:15,680 --> 00:46:18,839 Speaker 1: use visualization as a technique. Um, the more you can 867 00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:22,640 Speaker 1: make something unique and true for you and that you 868 00:46:22,760 --> 00:46:26,560 Speaker 1: actually believe, the more your brain is going to work 869 00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:29,360 Speaker 1: for you, and you can help your brain work better 870 00:46:29,400 --> 00:46:32,040 Speaker 1: for you, if that makes sense. And then how do 871 00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:33,879 Speaker 1: you how do we dig into this and lean into 872 00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:36,319 Speaker 1: it when it comes to our kids? You know, it's 873 00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:39,000 Speaker 1: so interesting, but I feel like kids are a lot 874 00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:42,200 Speaker 1: better at this than we are to even begin with. 875 00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:47,399 Speaker 1: And before like even talking about the idea of optimism, 876 00:46:47,440 --> 00:46:50,600 Speaker 1: I feel like I really need to define it because 877 00:46:50,600 --> 00:46:52,799 Speaker 1: it's another thing that kind of I think gets a 878 00:46:52,840 --> 00:46:57,000 Speaker 1: little misrepresented. Um. You know, I think when people think 879 00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:59,720 Speaker 1: of optimism a lot of times, or an optimistic person, 880 00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:02,400 Speaker 1: they kind of things come to mind. It's like the 881 00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:06,560 Speaker 1: glass half full, rose colored glasses. Um. And then they 882 00:47:06,600 --> 00:47:10,120 Speaker 1: start really applying them into sort of the world in 883 00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:12,839 Speaker 1: which we live in today, and they start thinking like, oh, 884 00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,719 Speaker 1: they think about people that are positive all the time 885 00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:18,920 Speaker 1: three s five days out of the year. This like filtered, 886 00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:24,800 Speaker 1: really overly positive life. Um. Kind of sounds like an instagram, 887 00:47:24,840 --> 00:47:29,480 Speaker 1: but basically that's just not true. And and UM, a 888 00:47:29,520 --> 00:47:32,480 Speaker 1: lot of times people when they think about that definition 889 00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:35,000 Speaker 1: of optimism, they come back with, well, I I don't 890 00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,400 Speaker 1: want to be an optimist because that's devoid of reality. 891 00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:40,520 Speaker 1: And um, you know, and that's true if that's your 892 00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:43,560 Speaker 1: definition of it. But the true definition of an optimist 893 00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:47,799 Speaker 1: is someone that sees the roadblocks. They're very mindful of 894 00:47:47,840 --> 00:47:50,160 Speaker 1: the the less than ideal situations and the things that 895 00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:53,280 Speaker 1: don't go their way and the struggles. But the caveat 896 00:47:53,400 --> 00:47:56,200 Speaker 1: is they see them as temporary and something that they 897 00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:59,040 Speaker 1: have the ability to overcome. So you really can't talk 898 00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:03,200 Speaker 1: about optimism without talking about resiliency. And you know, the 899 00:48:03,239 --> 00:48:06,600 Speaker 1: way we build optimism is we build our resiliency muscle 900 00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:10,360 Speaker 1: and we grow and we go grow through heart experiences, 901 00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:13,720 Speaker 1: and you know, being optimistic is about being able. It's tough, 902 00:48:13,719 --> 00:48:17,080 Speaker 1: but it's about being able to hold um an emotion 903 00:48:17,400 --> 00:48:20,600 Speaker 1: of you know, not feeling so great about something and 904 00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:24,759 Speaker 1: being disappointed or even fearful at the same time holding 905 00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:27,719 Speaker 1: an emotion of hope or that things might get better 906 00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:30,480 Speaker 1: or that things will not always be this way, and 907 00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:33,120 Speaker 1: that Oh I've you know, I've been through struggles before 908 00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:35,200 Speaker 1: and I've gotten through them, so I actually have the 909 00:48:35,239 --> 00:48:37,880 Speaker 1: power I don't. I may not know how um or 910 00:48:37,920 --> 00:48:40,600 Speaker 1: exactly when, but I know I can get through this. 911 00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:45,120 Speaker 1: And kids are better at this than we are, is 912 00:48:45,160 --> 00:48:48,080 Speaker 1: what I was going to say. Um, you know, there's 913 00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:50,040 Speaker 1: so much I've learned that I have a three year 914 00:48:50,040 --> 00:48:54,880 Speaker 1: old um right now, and through the pandemic experience, I 915 00:48:54,960 --> 00:48:57,920 Speaker 1: was so worried about him, just like we just about 916 00:48:57,960 --> 00:49:00,959 Speaker 1: started preschool before and now he can't go. He hasn't 917 00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:04,360 Speaker 1: obviously seen other kids. Really we're being really extra careful, 918 00:49:04,800 --> 00:49:08,480 Speaker 1: and I felt so badly for him, and just like 919 00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:10,520 Speaker 1: our routines are all messed up. My husband and I 920 00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:13,760 Speaker 1: are both working parents like so many people out there, 921 00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:17,200 Speaker 1: and have a toddler and have no help and all 922 00:49:17,239 --> 00:49:20,160 Speaker 1: of that, and it's you know, there's so many things 923 00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:23,239 Speaker 1: that run through my mind of feeling badly for him, 924 00:49:23,400 --> 00:49:26,040 Speaker 1: and whether it's you know, again the routine being shaken up, 925 00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:29,000 Speaker 1: or not having enough socialization, or having to deal with 926 00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:33,480 Speaker 1: really crabby, irritable parents because it's just too much. But 927 00:49:33,920 --> 00:49:37,880 Speaker 1: I've just been so surprised and in awe of over 928 00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:41,640 Speaker 1: and over this, like, wow, my child and so many 929 00:49:41,719 --> 00:49:44,160 Speaker 1: kids and all kids. I've read about it in research, 930 00:49:44,200 --> 00:49:46,320 Speaker 1: but I'm seeing it in real hand. They're really resilient 931 00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:50,439 Speaker 1: and yeah, they they have and that just helps me 932 00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:53,440 Speaker 1: realize that, you know, we have that in us. We 933 00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:55,879 Speaker 1: all do. It's just a matter of how much life 934 00:49:55,920 --> 00:50:01,200 Speaker 1: has gone by, how much evidence we've collected, how much perception, 935 00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:03,920 Speaker 1: we've kind of an energy we've given to certain things 936 00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:06,000 Speaker 1: that have happened and what we've made of them. Whereas 937 00:50:06,320 --> 00:50:08,480 Speaker 1: kids kind of start at somewhat of a you know, 938 00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:11,600 Speaker 1: blank slate, and so I think it's a good way 939 00:50:11,640 --> 00:50:14,120 Speaker 1: to see where we were and where we can go 940 00:50:14,200 --> 00:50:17,520 Speaker 1: back to um in terms of resiliency, and they don't 941 00:50:17,560 --> 00:50:22,120 Speaker 1: really have UM the labels that we put on some 942 00:50:22,200 --> 00:50:24,800 Speaker 1: of the emotions. So sometimes when a kid is stressed 943 00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:28,520 Speaker 1: out or upset, they don't really have the emotions and 944 00:50:28,840 --> 00:50:32,040 Speaker 1: the definitions that we put on them, like these are 945 00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:35,719 Speaker 1: really bad things, like sometimes stress and anxiety, I mean 946 00:50:35,719 --> 00:50:38,400 Speaker 1: obviously on a continuum, it depends how it's impacting you. 947 00:50:38,480 --> 00:50:41,880 Speaker 1: But sometimes there's positive benefits in them, you know, And 948 00:50:42,040 --> 00:50:45,560 Speaker 1: they can be signals to us that you know, something 949 00:50:45,640 --> 00:50:48,520 Speaker 1: isn't right. We need to reach out for support, Maybe 950 00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:50,760 Speaker 1: we need to take a breath, maybe we need to rest, 951 00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:53,560 Speaker 1: And it's sort of like a signal like hunger is 952 00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:55,839 Speaker 1: to tell you that you're hungry. And it's just this 953 00:50:55,960 --> 00:51:00,680 Speaker 1: new way of learning how to re label um some 954 00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:03,000 Speaker 1: of these emotions that come up that we've kind of 955 00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:06,520 Speaker 1: been taught, especially now in our society to like push 956 00:51:06,600 --> 00:51:09,880 Speaker 1: under the rug or the thing that I can't stand 957 00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:13,840 Speaker 1: the most is good vibes, only it really like drives 958 00:51:13,880 --> 00:51:16,960 Speaker 1: into this like this place that we're headed, which is 959 00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:20,799 Speaker 1: toxic positivity. So as an optimism doctor, I just put 960 00:51:20,840 --> 00:51:25,120 Speaker 1: it out there like being positive all the time is 961 00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:31,320 Speaker 1: not human. It's not human. It's setting yourself up for failure, 962 00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:35,359 Speaker 1: and it's actually not a good way to increase your 963 00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:40,359 Speaker 1: optimism or joy or happiness at all, So just take 964 00:51:40,400 --> 00:51:44,160 Speaker 1: that pressure off yourself right now. Well, and I'm saying 965 00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:47,920 Speaker 1: so much right now is especially in homes where maybe 966 00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,680 Speaker 1: one person you know, maybe the husband or the wife, 967 00:51:50,680 --> 00:51:53,520 Speaker 1: whomever it may be, or your roommate, but one of 968 00:51:53,560 --> 00:51:56,200 Speaker 1: you is doing really well and the other one is 969 00:51:56,239 --> 00:52:00,480 Speaker 1: feeling stuck or down, and so it's they're kind of flatline, 970 00:52:00,480 --> 00:52:03,320 Speaker 1: and there's all these divorces happening or friendships are ending. 971 00:52:03,760 --> 00:52:06,680 Speaker 1: What do you recommend if you're having that struggle in 972 00:52:06,760 --> 00:52:10,120 Speaker 1: the household right now? Yeah, So a couple of things. 973 00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:14,600 Speaker 1: The first thing is I really like throughout this whole thing, 974 00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:18,360 Speaker 1: if I could pick, it's really hard. Like I said before, 975 00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:20,400 Speaker 1: I'm not good at picking like a few things. But 976 00:52:20,440 --> 00:52:22,799 Speaker 1: if I could pick, like a couple of things in 977 00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:27,400 Speaker 1: my top three for during this time of optimism tools, 978 00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:32,240 Speaker 1: one of which would be self compassion and really being 979 00:52:32,280 --> 00:52:35,640 Speaker 1: able to allow yourself to lean in to the emotion 980 00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:40,319 Speaker 1: you're feeling, whether it's anxiety or depression, grief loss. Right now, 981 00:52:40,360 --> 00:52:43,040 Speaker 1: a lot of people are underestimating what we're going through. 982 00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:46,080 Speaker 1: And what we're going through is levels of trauma and 983 00:52:46,200 --> 00:52:49,640 Speaker 1: grief and loss and and anxiety and the fear of 984 00:52:49,719 --> 00:52:53,279 Speaker 1: uncertainty and so many things. Um So, first of all, 985 00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:55,840 Speaker 1: being able to be self compassionate and lean in so 986 00:52:55,920 --> 00:52:58,400 Speaker 1: that idea of not just trying to throw a positive 987 00:52:58,480 --> 00:53:00,640 Speaker 1: right on top of it, leaning into it is the 988 00:53:00,680 --> 00:53:03,319 Speaker 1: only way out of it. And that's the same for 989 00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:05,919 Speaker 1: someone that you live with. So how you might deal 990 00:53:06,000 --> 00:53:10,000 Speaker 1: with stress or anxiety or uncertainty during this time could 991 00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:12,719 Speaker 1: be very different than how your partner is dealing with it. 992 00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:14,680 Speaker 1: And you may have thought, you know how your partner 993 00:53:14,719 --> 00:53:16,399 Speaker 1: deals with something, but none of us have been through 994 00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:19,400 Speaker 1: this before. So part of it is allowing some space 995 00:53:19,800 --> 00:53:23,080 Speaker 1: for your partner to experience and not falling into the 996 00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:27,240 Speaker 1: trap of adding to this toxic positivity and saying something 997 00:53:27,280 --> 00:53:29,959 Speaker 1: like why can't you just be positive? Or I don't 998 00:53:29,960 --> 00:53:32,839 Speaker 1: want this negative energy in here. It's more just like 999 00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:35,520 Speaker 1: what do you need right now for me? And do 1000 00:53:35,560 --> 00:53:38,720 Speaker 1: you want some comfort or do you need some space? Um, 1001 00:53:38,800 --> 00:53:41,480 Speaker 1: you know, I get it. This is really tough. I mean, 1002 00:53:41,880 --> 00:53:44,520 Speaker 1: my husband and I I think we have a pretty 1003 00:53:44,520 --> 00:53:48,080 Speaker 1: good relationship, but yeah, we have thought so much more 1004 00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:52,080 Speaker 1: during this time, and I think the saving grace is 1005 00:53:52,320 --> 00:53:56,560 Speaker 1: really open communication between us and this idea that I 1006 00:53:56,640 --> 00:53:58,480 Speaker 1: keep playing back in my head that I say to 1007 00:53:58,520 --> 00:54:01,400 Speaker 1: other people that sometimes it's hard to practice, but like 1008 00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:05,960 Speaker 1: he's going to have his emotions towards all of this 1009 00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:07,520 Speaker 1: just like I will. And they're not going to be 1010 00:54:07,520 --> 00:54:09,040 Speaker 1: at the exact same time and they're not going to 1011 00:54:09,120 --> 00:54:11,719 Speaker 1: look the same, so being able to allow them to 1012 00:54:11,800 --> 00:54:15,200 Speaker 1: lean into and and maybe just that you know, I 1013 00:54:15,239 --> 00:54:17,879 Speaker 1: always say when I work with couples, I think it's 1014 00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:20,319 Speaker 1: amazing to talk about how you guys love each other. 1015 00:54:20,440 --> 00:54:23,560 Speaker 1: And I find that really interesting because I'm hopeless romantic 1016 00:54:23,600 --> 00:54:26,080 Speaker 1: and I love to hear that. But from a clinical 1017 00:54:26,160 --> 00:54:30,080 Speaker 1: standpoint or from a professional standpoint, I'm more interested in 1018 00:54:30,120 --> 00:54:32,880 Speaker 1: how you guys fight, Like what is your fighting style? 1019 00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:37,400 Speaker 1: And I think that's worth a conversation between partners, especially 1020 00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:39,760 Speaker 1: right now when we're in such close quarters and our 1021 00:54:39,840 --> 00:54:43,640 Speaker 1: responsibilities are so much more and our places that we 1022 00:54:43,760 --> 00:54:46,680 Speaker 1: used to look towards help are so much less. Is 1023 00:54:46,800 --> 00:54:49,919 Speaker 1: really about, like, let's have a conversation about how we fight, 1024 00:54:50,080 --> 00:54:53,480 Speaker 1: and how when when you're upset, what do you need? 1025 00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:56,319 Speaker 1: Looks very different than when I'm upset what do I need? 1026 00:54:56,360 --> 00:54:58,080 Speaker 1: I might need a hug and to get it resolved 1027 00:54:58,160 --> 00:54:59,960 Speaker 1: right away, and you might need space and to take 1028 00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:02,480 Speaker 1: a moment and you know, you might need to scream 1029 00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:05,359 Speaker 1: into a pillow, and you know I might need to 1030 00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:08,600 Speaker 1: put on some music and just dance. I'm the type 1031 00:55:08,640 --> 00:55:10,680 Speaker 1: that needs to hug. I want to hug and to 1032 00:55:10,800 --> 00:55:14,200 Speaker 1: resolve it, and my husband needs space and then over it. 1033 00:55:14,400 --> 00:55:17,279 Speaker 1: But if I have space, I st write. And so 1034 00:55:17,520 --> 00:55:20,000 Speaker 1: if you didn't know that about each other and actually 1035 00:55:20,040 --> 00:55:24,800 Speaker 1: give each other the respect you know for each other's um, 1036 00:55:24,840 --> 00:55:26,560 Speaker 1: how you deal with it? Can you see how that 1037 00:55:26,600 --> 00:55:29,879 Speaker 1: could just go so awry and so many times over 1038 00:55:29,920 --> 00:55:32,439 Speaker 1: and over and it just you know, you give up. 1039 00:55:32,600 --> 00:55:37,279 Speaker 1: And so I think it's always worth a conversation. UM, 1040 00:55:37,440 --> 00:55:40,359 Speaker 1: I would say even more so, more so worth it 1041 00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:43,480 Speaker 1: than talking about like love styles is really talking about 1042 00:55:43,480 --> 00:55:46,800 Speaker 1: fighting styles and getting to like match on those. And 1043 00:55:47,080 --> 00:55:50,799 Speaker 1: it can be uncomfortable because it really, you know, it's 1044 00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:53,839 Speaker 1: a situation that is is not comfortable to start with, 1045 00:55:53,920 --> 00:55:56,000 Speaker 1: and then you have to start changing the way you 1046 00:55:56,040 --> 00:55:59,759 Speaker 1: behave you know, because you're trying to respect you know, 1047 00:55:59,800 --> 00:56:03,919 Speaker 1: the someone else's receiving it. But I think that it's 1048 00:56:03,960 --> 00:56:07,640 Speaker 1: super important to have those conversations, and like we have 1049 00:56:07,760 --> 00:56:09,919 Speaker 1: had to have those conversations in front of our son, 1050 00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:12,680 Speaker 1: and I've wondered about that, but I actually feel like, 1051 00:56:12,760 --> 00:56:16,120 Speaker 1: of course, not having like some crazy, drawn out brawl 1052 00:56:16,160 --> 00:56:18,440 Speaker 1: in front of your child, but I've found that like 1053 00:56:18,560 --> 00:56:21,160 Speaker 1: sometimes when you know, we have an argument and our 1054 00:56:21,200 --> 00:56:24,040 Speaker 1: son is with us all the time, now, really explaining 1055 00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:27,640 Speaker 1: to my son like what just happened and then also 1056 00:56:27,760 --> 00:56:31,600 Speaker 1: allowing my son to see how we worked through it 1057 00:56:31,680 --> 00:56:35,720 Speaker 1: and how we make up um is really important because again, 1058 00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:39,440 Speaker 1: like you know, I've worked with plenty of patients and 1059 00:56:39,480 --> 00:56:43,000 Speaker 1: clients that you know, came from family backgrounds where nothing 1060 00:56:43,040 --> 00:56:46,080 Speaker 1: like that was ever discussed at all, and emotions were 1061 00:56:46,120 --> 00:56:48,319 Speaker 1: sort of pushed under the rug, whether it was love 1062 00:56:48,360 --> 00:56:52,239 Speaker 1: emotions or even arguments. And the truth is we're going 1063 00:56:52,280 --> 00:56:56,080 Speaker 1: to argue people that are close and that love each 1064 00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:59,480 Speaker 1: other and especially are close physically as well. You're gonna 1065 00:56:59,520 --> 00:57:02,200 Speaker 1: not You're gonna disagree about things the same with like 1066 00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:05,279 Speaker 1: you're gonna have stress. Stress is a response, you know, 1067 00:57:05,360 --> 00:57:08,200 Speaker 1: to life, but it's how you perceive it and how 1068 00:57:08,280 --> 00:57:11,239 Speaker 1: you perceive your arguments and how you go through them 1069 00:57:11,320 --> 00:57:15,160 Speaker 1: that really matters. Don't don't get it twisted like it's 1070 00:57:15,280 --> 00:57:19,320 Speaker 1: not not gonna happen. Yeah, No, one's escaping this. No 1071 00:57:19,360 --> 00:57:23,640 Speaker 1: one's escaping that exactly. Oh, Like, I'm so bummed more 1072 00:57:23,640 --> 00:57:28,000 Speaker 1: out of time because this podcast is like giving me 1073 00:57:28,080 --> 00:57:32,760 Speaker 1: so much, Like it's it's filling my take. I'm feeling good. 1074 00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:36,240 Speaker 1: I'm I am so grateful that you guys could join me. 1075 00:57:36,680 --> 00:57:39,560 Speaker 1: Um you have the podcast as well, right, it's called 1076 00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:42,360 Speaker 1: Looking Up. Yeah, it's called Looking Up with Dr deepica 1077 00:57:42,440 --> 00:57:45,480 Speaker 1: Chopra perfect Um. So you guys have to do in 1078 00:57:45,600 --> 00:57:47,920 Speaker 1: and listen and then where do they follow you on Instagram? 1079 00:57:48,240 --> 00:57:51,160 Speaker 1: So you can follow me at Dr deepaka Chopra or 1080 00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:53,600 Speaker 1: at all Things are looking Up? And the podcast just 1081 00:57:53,800 --> 00:57:56,720 Speaker 1: launched two days ago. The first two episodes are out. 1082 00:57:56,800 --> 00:57:59,520 Speaker 1: One is with a Stanford health psychologists all about stress, 1083 00:57:59,560 --> 00:58:01,520 Speaker 1: and the other one is with one of my favorite 1084 00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:05,680 Speaker 1: NBA players, Meta World Peace. And the podcast is amazing 1085 00:58:05,800 --> 00:58:09,919 Speaker 1: because it is all about resiliency and I interview other 1086 00:58:10,000 --> 00:58:13,280 Speaker 1: experts in the field, so there's practical tools that I'm 1087 00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:16,320 Speaker 1: hoping to get out there, but also it's just real, honest, 1088 00:58:16,840 --> 00:58:21,360 Speaker 1: raw human storytelling. I love that so much and thank 1089 00:58:21,440 --> 00:58:24,040 Speaker 1: you so much for joining us. I truly appreciate it. 1090 00:58:24,200 --> 00:58:33,360 Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. Like, uh LORI, how do 1091 00:58:33,440 --> 00:58:38,479 Speaker 1: you feel okay, I like my mind is blown. Thank 1092 00:58:38,480 --> 00:58:40,040 Speaker 1: you so much for having me on here. Let me 1093 00:58:40,080 --> 00:58:44,280 Speaker 1: just tell you, like that want versus expectation was like 1094 00:58:44,400 --> 00:58:47,160 Speaker 1: everything for me because I'm a huge visualizer and I 1095 00:58:47,240 --> 00:58:51,120 Speaker 1: truly feel like that's how I've manifested so many things 1096 00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:53,200 Speaker 1: in my life. And there's a lot of times where 1097 00:58:53,240 --> 00:58:55,160 Speaker 1: I'm like, wait, how am I supposed to be feeling 1098 00:58:55,240 --> 00:58:57,640 Speaker 1: right now when I'm seeing this picture and that expectation 1099 00:58:58,000 --> 00:59:00,560 Speaker 1: just like, yes, I expect this in my life. The 1100 00:59:00,600 --> 00:59:02,720 Speaker 1: things that have happened is because I'm like, I expect 1101 00:59:02,880 --> 00:59:05,840 Speaker 1: this type of relationship now, I expect these type of friends, 1102 00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:08,280 Speaker 1: and it just like closed the whole gap for me. 1103 00:59:08,360 --> 00:59:10,280 Speaker 1: So you just changed my life by bringing her on 1104 00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:14,240 Speaker 1: and by having like amazing Well I never realized it 1105 00:59:14,280 --> 00:59:16,720 Speaker 1: until she actually said it. I'm like, any of the 1106 00:59:16,840 --> 00:59:20,680 Speaker 1: things that have actually come true in my life, I 1107 00:59:20,800 --> 00:59:24,080 Speaker 1: have expected them to come true. Yeah, not just things 1108 00:59:24,120 --> 00:59:26,680 Speaker 1: that I wanted, you know, Like, yes, there are moments 1109 00:59:26,680 --> 00:59:29,680 Speaker 1: where you want something Like in my mind, even like 1110 00:59:29,760 --> 00:59:31,880 Speaker 1: when I go to like what's happened with my kids? 1111 00:59:31,880 --> 00:59:35,680 Speaker 1: Like I will, I'll be praying and wanting and hoping. Um, 1112 00:59:35,720 --> 00:59:37,880 Speaker 1: but like there are things completely out of my control, 1113 00:59:37,920 --> 00:59:40,680 Speaker 1: and I know I can't expect them because they're completely 1114 00:59:40,800 --> 00:59:43,480 Speaker 1: out of the realm of things that I can't expect, 1115 00:59:43,800 --> 00:59:46,000 Speaker 1: So I don't even have that feeling. But the second 1116 00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:49,920 Speaker 1: she said that, I'm like, Wow, everything that I truly 1117 00:59:50,080 --> 00:59:54,800 Speaker 1: believe in happens. Wow. I literally got chills as you 1118 00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:57,480 Speaker 1: were saying that, because the sentence that downloaded was just 1119 00:59:58,080 --> 01:00:01,600 Speaker 1: hope is the expect paition that your life is always 1120 01:00:01,640 --> 01:00:04,200 Speaker 1: going to be better, that it's always getting better, and 1121 01:00:04,360 --> 01:00:09,360 Speaker 1: it's just wow. It's the expectation that there's more and 1122 01:00:09,680 --> 01:00:11,800 Speaker 1: that it's gonna be okay, and that it's going to 1123 01:00:11,880 --> 01:00:15,440 Speaker 1: be good. Um. Yeah, this was so this was so 1124 01:00:15,520 --> 01:00:20,080 Speaker 1: good for me. This is for me too, So I'm 1125 01:00:20,080 --> 01:00:21,760 Speaker 1: gonna have to bring you on again because that was 1126 01:00:21,920 --> 01:00:25,760 Speaker 1: really fun and I love being able to chat with you. 1127 01:00:25,880 --> 01:00:27,960 Speaker 1: And um to those of you guys who tuned in, 1128 01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:30,520 Speaker 1: I hope this was helpful to you as well, and 1129 01:00:30,680 --> 01:00:33,960 Speaker 1: please keep sending in your request on topics to talk about, 1130 01:00:34,040 --> 01:00:37,280 Speaker 1: because honestly, not only do I love doing this, but 1131 01:00:37,360 --> 01:00:40,880 Speaker 1: it's like therapy for me as well. So keep tuning in, 1132 01:00:41,080 --> 01:00:44,280 Speaker 1: keep asking questions, and if you want to find out 1133 01:00:44,280 --> 01:00:47,200 Speaker 1: more about Lorie Harder. Where do they find you? Um, 1134 01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:51,040 Speaker 1: you can go to at Lorie Harder on Instagram. Otherwise, 1135 01:00:51,160 --> 01:00:54,080 Speaker 1: right now I am working on a company called Drink 1136 01:00:54,320 --> 01:00:56,560 Speaker 1: Light Pink, so I'm pretty much hanging out over there 1137 01:00:56,600 --> 01:01:01,840 Speaker 1: on Instagram. Perfect. Thanks guys. First listening, subscribe to Teddy 1138 01:01:01,920 --> 01:01:04,600 Speaker 1: t Pot on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen 1139 01:01:04,640 --> 01:01:09,520 Speaker 1: to podcasts. M