Speaker 1: There's a lot of boys in Los Angeles, and so
Speaker 1: sometimes you'd be like, you look familiar. I don't know why,
Speaker 1: but I've started to go. I assume that we slept
Speaker 1: with each other.
Speaker 2: That's just the baseline.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna I'm gonna approach this with love and
Speaker 1: compassion and like, hey, clicks the other way. So that's
Speaker 1: my advice. My advice is to assume that you slept
Speaker 1: with them and treat them kindly, and then you'll click
Speaker 1: and be like, oh, I don't actually know the middle.
Speaker 1: You know what we do here destroy shame around sex
Speaker 1: by talking about sex. Now, let me tell you something messy.
Speaker 1: I would like to make a public service announcement for
Speaker 1: those of us who are receiving dick pics. Uh, and
Speaker 1: for those of you who are sending dick pics, please
Speaker 1: don't send us a dry dick pic that you know.
Speaker 1: I don't know how else to say this. I invite
Speaker 1: you to moisturize your dick before you take a picture.
Speaker 1: I have received several dick pics you know, of different
Speaker 1: you know, races and ethnicities, and they are dry. I like,
Speaker 1: I could see that it's scaling, Like I just I
Speaker 1: don't want to write back anything. I just want to
Speaker 1: send you a link to get some aveno. And I
Speaker 1: mean that respectfully. Like your dick is beautiful, but it
Speaker 1: is a part of your body and it should be
Speaker 1: moisturized the way that your hands should be moisturized, the
Speaker 1: way that your elbows need to be moisturized, your knees.
Speaker 1: You're now this Now this does get a little cultural
Speaker 1: because I you know, I have a husband who is
Speaker 1: white h and I had to learn about moisturizing from me,
Speaker 1: just moisturizing in general. Like he didn't He doesn't believe
Speaker 1: in lotion, and I don't understand that. And when we
Speaker 1: first started dating, I'd be like, when white people get ashy,
Speaker 1: it's a problem. Why, Like you know us, you know melanin,
Speaker 1: it's a I'm reapplying moisturizer all the time, all day,
Speaker 1: all day, all day, because you know, the moment I
Speaker 1: get dry, you scratch me. You could see the frost.
Speaker 1: But for white people it's not as easy. But if
Speaker 1: I can see it on a white person, that means
Speaker 1: you really hate moisturizing and you don't give a fuck
Speaker 1: about nothing. And I would like to say you should
Speaker 1: really care about that. Moisturizing. And if you decide not
Speaker 1: to moisturize your legs and your hands on your chest,
Speaker 1: that's fine, but please moisturize your dick, and please moisturize
Speaker 1: your dick before you take a picture of it and
Speaker 1: send it over. This is just my little you know
Speaker 1: what it is. I was watching, okay, let's go in here.
Speaker 1: I was watching a documentary on birds, because I do
Speaker 1: watch things that are educational. So it was, you know,
Speaker 1: like the one of those Planet Earth things and the birds,
Speaker 1: and this bird he was making a like this nest,
Speaker 1: like this fabulous fucking nest because he was trying to
Speaker 1: check this female bird, and so he's making this fabulous
Speaker 1: fucking nest and he had these fabulous feathers and he
Speaker 1: had found like this like blueberry I think or something,
Speaker 1: which apparently the narrator was saying that blueberry is everything.
Speaker 1: And he had that one blueberry that is like gold,
Speaker 1: and he found two of them, but she got distracted
Speaker 1: by another bird. That another male bird that came, I
Speaker 1: guess look cuter, and I think it's because his dick
Speaker 1: was moisturized. Fuck them blueberries? How supple is that dick?
Speaker 1: Those male birds go through all the attent, like all
Speaker 1: that work, building nests, finding blueberries, and moisturizing their dick
Speaker 1: to attract mates. I think the very least that you
Speaker 1: human males can do is moisturize your dick. It is loving,
Speaker 1: It is kind, it is it shows that you care.
Speaker 1: It's an investment. Now if you need, if you need recommendations.
Speaker 1: I love and Aveno. I do you know Jennifer Aniston
Speaker 1: promotes the Avino and I love an Aveno. You know
Speaker 1: it's my dream job to endorse and promote Avino, to
Speaker 1: be an a Veno girly. I love almond oil. That's
Speaker 1: a great one. You could use some shade butter okay
Speaker 1: or some shame more. Your keels makes one. Now that's
Speaker 1: something that's fancy. If you want to use that keel,
Speaker 1: So that's some fancy. That's fancy. Moisturize. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: you have to do that, but you can't. Or a
Speaker 1: jejoba oil, which is j o j o b A
Speaker 1: all of these coconut oil if you want. That's also
Speaker 1: to that also works. There are so many options. There
Speaker 1: are so many fucking options. Please even even Loube silicone
Speaker 1: loup Will Will will moisturize or at least oil up
Speaker 1: your dick and make it look shiny and beautiful and appealing.
Speaker 1: I've now talked about for five or six minutes about
Speaker 1: not having dried dick, and I hope that you hear me.
Speaker 1: Uh and I know that my Volva owners, if you
Speaker 1: just want to send this to a person with a
Speaker 1: penis who has a dried dick and just like let
Speaker 1: them know that you want them to do better, you
Speaker 1: want better for them. Okay, by the way, welcome to
Speaker 1: the show. This is telling me something messy. I'm your host,
Speaker 1: Brandon Kyle Goodman, but you could call me Nate moisturizer sexy.
Speaker 1: That's hot, that's good. Okay. One thing about me, My
Speaker 1: dick is not dry. I can say that loudly and proudly.
Speaker 1: That is not I'm not boasting, I'm not being arrogant.
Speaker 1: I'm just letting you know that when I'm moisturized, my
Speaker 1: dick gets moisturized too. So you know everyone's happy. Okay,
Speaker 1: maybe you know what that means. It's time for a
Speaker 1: guess now why they get situated. We'll get our messy.
Speaker 1: Kikey started with a ho manifesto, repeat after me aloud
Speaker 1: or in your head. Grant me the serenity to unpack
Speaker 1: my shame, the courage to heal, the wisdom to know
Speaker 1: that sex is not just about penetration, the audacity to
Speaker 1: advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the strength to not
Speaker 1: call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck they.
Speaker 1: For it is better to masturbate by myself in peace
Speaker 1: than to let someone play in my motherfucking face. That
Speaker 1: the community say hoolujah. I am so excited to have
Speaker 1: d B on the show. Debe is the creator, executive producer,
Speaker 1: and hosts of sex Ed with dB, your go to
Speaker 1: podcasts for smart, science based sex education, delivering trusted insights
Speaker 1: from top experts on sex, sexuality, and pleasure. I'm going
Speaker 1: to be a guest on the show. I'm very excited.
Speaker 1: dB earned a Master of Public Health with expertise and sexuality,
Speaker 1: sexual and Reproductive health from Columbia University. dB lives in Oakland, California,
Speaker 1: and I'm so excited to talk to her today. Y'all
Speaker 1: please help me welcome d Bay. How are you today?
Speaker 2: I am absolutely thrilled. I am stoked to be here.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much Brandon for having me.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited to have you here. Before we jump
Speaker 1: into our messi kiki, we have some messy mandates to
Speaker 1: help us, you know, facilitate the whole situation. Yes, on,
Speaker 1: things get to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinion shared
Speaker 1: have the right to evolve, shift or change today tomorrow.
Speaker 1: We're ten years from now. And if during the kei
Speaker 1: ky something feels too personal or unintentionally offence, we use
Speaker 1: the safe for it foosball, which gives us a chance
Speaker 1: to pivot or address accordingly. Sound good, excellent, gorgeous. How
Speaker 1: about we start with a lube breaker.
Speaker 2: I love that title.
Speaker 1: It's like an icebreaker, but you know, lube.
Speaker 2: Because we need a little bit of loob.
Speaker 1: We always needlub, silicon, a water bas whatever. Just please
Speaker 1: lub it up, just use it, just use it. Okay.
Speaker 1: So let's play a game of smash or pass. I
Speaker 1: will give you a prompt and you'll tell me if
Speaker 1: you would smash or pass it. Okay, great, smash or pass.
Speaker 2: Sucking toes, sucking toes okay, let me tell you that, yes, please,
Speaker 2: Sucking toes for me personally does not get my goat.
Speaker 2: That does not turn me on. However, I was listening
Speaker 2: to your podcast earlier today and you're our fight Master
Speaker 2: is on and they said something along the lines of
Speaker 2: if it turns them on, then it'll probably turn me on.
Speaker 2: And that's what I will adapt here to this answer,
Speaker 2: which is, if my partner is like, hey, I'm interested
Speaker 2: in you sucking on I toes because it'll really turn
Speaker 2: me on, I'm going to say, wash those feet and
Speaker 2: let's get this going.
Speaker 1: Absolutely was let's wash the feats.
Speaker 2: Anyone speak can be dirty, Yeah, I was it. Yeah,
Speaker 2: not my thing. But if my partner is into it,
Speaker 2: then I'm going to explore that because I want them
Speaker 2: to feel pleasure.
Speaker 1: So it's like a so we'll call it here like
Speaker 1: a smass, it's a smash passes.
Speaker 2: It's it's a smass. I would say it's directly in
Speaker 2: the middle. But for me, it's not like a Absolutely,
Speaker 2: I would never ever do that.
Speaker 1: Yes, I get that. I I've talked about it on
Speaker 1: the show. I recently discovered that I think I have
Speaker 1: a foot fetish. I need to do more about this.
Speaker 1: I don't know more about it, DV except that we
Speaker 1: have I'm like learning about it. But like I I
Speaker 1: realized that like when I'm in the locker room or
Speaker 1: the steam room. I'm always like, like I could care
Speaker 1: less about anyone's Like Dick, I'm like looking at their
Speaker 1: feet x on the wiener more on the I'm like,
Speaker 1: what are those feet doing? And then my boyfriend has
Speaker 1: the most beautiful v and I love putting in my
Speaker 1: mouth and I I just like I've been able to
Speaker 1: explore it with him, and I'm like, oh, I think
Speaker 1: feet really turned me on in a way that I
Speaker 1: like put it on my chest, like rub your feet
Speaker 1: on my nipples and it really does something for me.
Speaker 1: I will suck on your toes. Wow, I please, stuff
Speaker 1: on my face like I Wow, something got unlocked. This
Speaker 1: is this is like only a couple of months old.
Speaker 1: Journey made it journey. So I'm learning more about what
Speaker 1: it means because there's a like, is there a stigma
Speaker 1: around a foot fetish? It feels so like obvious or
Speaker 1: it feels like.
Speaker 2: Such a well known you know, but it's still but
Speaker 2: it's still not like celebrated. I would say, yes, there
Speaker 2: you go.
Speaker 1: It's a well known fetish, but not a celebrated fetish.
Speaker 1: And so there is a part of me, Oh dB,
Speaker 1: let's unpack this real time. There is a part on
Speaker 1: here that feels like a little bit of shame which
Speaker 1: I have not looked at or pulled at. But I
Speaker 1: guess like part of my like hesitation to say, oh
Speaker 1: I love feet is there's a bit of shame because
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, I've always thought that was gross.
Speaker 2: I understand that, and it's because we have been conditioned
Speaker 2: to think that Kingston fetishes are weird and should not
Speaker 2: be celebrated and should not be talked about. But I
Speaker 2: do think that right now we are kind of going
Speaker 2: through a moment for better and worse, which again we
Speaker 2: can unpack this, but like thinking through which fetishes and
Speaker 2: which kinks get airtime on certain shows and what is
Speaker 2: dangerous about that if it's not explained. So should I
Speaker 2: give you an example?
Speaker 1: Please? Yes? Please?
Speaker 2: So when we think about euphoria, right it's one of
Speaker 2: like the most watch shows about you know, sex, sexuality, teens,
Speaker 2: that that kind of thing. And we did an episode
Speaker 2: kind of recently on my podcast on sex Side with
Speaker 2: dB where we talked about how teens are choking each
Speaker 2: other during sex, but they're not doing it in a
Speaker 2: way that is that properly, and like, you know, it's
Speaker 2: based off of this Peggy Rangstein New York Times article
Speaker 2: about this, where there's research being done and that essentially
Speaker 2: shows that when you're choking someone, they there is research
Speaker 2: that essentially maps like brain damage, the same kind of
Speaker 2: CT scan that like a football player with a concussion
Speaker 2: potentially has. Definitely, yeah, definitely we want to unpack this
Speaker 2: article because the article says it way better than I do.
Speaker 2: But essentially the idea here is that like, this is
Speaker 2: something where boys in particular are doing to sist girls
Speaker 2: and they are not getting their consent, and all of
Speaker 2: these things are happening with this kink, but the BDSM
Speaker 2: community actually says you can't actually choke anyone safely. It's
Speaker 2: more about breath play. So it's like, how can we
Speaker 2: listen to the BDSM community and to experts while also
Speaker 2: recognizing that shows like Euphoria have millions and millions of
Speaker 2: viewers and we need that middle ground, that conversation that
Speaker 2: shows this is media and this is media's depiction, and
Speaker 2: how do we reconcile that with reality of what needs
Speaker 2: to happen.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I think that that is. Wow, there's
Speaker 1: a lot, there's there's a lot there, but it's incredible
Speaker 1: because I think it is it's specifically doing a show
Speaker 1: like this. The obstacle that I feel like I'm always
Speaker 1: coming up against and a lot of us in the
Speaker 1: sex space are coming up against, which is there is
Speaker 1: the depiction and there's a reality, and how do you
Speaker 1: find the middle ground Because the depiction that most people
Speaker 1: see is going to be on their TV shows or
Speaker 1: their movies. And you know, as a TV writer, sometimes
Speaker 1: you can do that really well or you can do
Speaker 1: a really surface version of it and I and it
Speaker 1: can either help or or be harmful because people are
Speaker 1: not doing more research.
Speaker 2: You know they're not.
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, that's so anyways, that's very fascinating. But I like.
Speaker 2: Toast put those toes in.
Speaker 1: Okay, smash or past temperature play.
Speaker 2: Oh definitely smash, id be like cold hot?
Speaker 1: What is your I'm kind.
Speaker 2: Of interested in both.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think that, Like, I love sensuality and massage like
Speaker 2: back to feet. I love my feet being rubbed. I
Speaker 2: think that that feels so incredibly.
Speaker 1: If you rub my feet. I love that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that consent piece there. That's hilarious. And yeah,
Speaker 2: I just think that you know, a hot waxy candle,
Speaker 2: it can feel very sexy, and the idea of being
Speaker 2: able to temper it so that it's hotter when it's
Speaker 2: close to your body and it drips, but it's cool
Speaker 2: like cooler if it's farther away from your body. I
Speaker 2: love the idea of someone else like having an ice
Speaker 2: cube in their mouth and then like transferring that all
Speaker 2: over my body, the nipples, the vulva, like putting it
Speaker 2: back back in our mouth. Like it just like feels
Speaker 2: very sexy to me, and it just really like adds
Speaker 2: a new dimension to play.
Speaker 1: I would also add that because it also requires so
Speaker 1: much more intimacy, because temperature play is not something you
Speaker 1: just like start doing randomly, Like you have to have
Speaker 1: a conversation about it. You gotta work to it. But
Speaker 1: it also requires so much intimacy and care with the
Speaker 1: pouring of the wax or with the ice cube. And
Speaker 1: so there's there's a deepening of the sexual relationship that
Speaker 1: I that I enjoy about temperature play.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the communication of like because and this should will
Speaker 2: you know, of course we'll get into this, but like
Speaker 2: we should be communicating with our partners no matter what
Speaker 2: we're doing. Does this feel good? Can I look at
Speaker 2: you you can, I kiss you, can I touch you?
Speaker 2: Are you coming? Are you about to come? Like, there's
Speaker 2: so many ways to talk through what's going on and
Speaker 2: make sure both people feel good, and especially like you said,
Speaker 2: for toys, for temperature play, for extra accessories, there has
Speaker 2: to be that extra level of communication.
Speaker 1: Yes, agreed, Agreed. I went to h I talked with
Speaker 1: this on the show. I went to a sex party,
Speaker 1: however long ago, but they were there was a performance
Speaker 1: to start the show, to start the party, and it
Speaker 1: was this guy I who had his partner female bound
Speaker 1: and was using like fireplay on her. Wow, and it
Speaker 1: was the sexiest. My boyfriend was with me. He was like,
Speaker 1: absolutely not, I'll never do that. But I was like,
Speaker 1: like tri it was the sexiest, uh, most beautiful use
Speaker 1: of fire that I feel like I've seen. It felt
Speaker 1: like like like high class, just like sexy act. So
Speaker 1: so I'm gonna graduate from candle wax to dB. You
Speaker 1: won the game I did, because you win, you win
Speaker 1: my additional lah. Yeah, it was very very Yeah. If
Speaker 1: you have any uh prompts or game ideas or you
Speaker 1: want to tell me something messy, you can email tell
Speaker 1: me something messy at gmail dot com. Speaking of which
Speaker 1: dby you. Uh, can you tell me something, Merci, I have.
Speaker 2: A little something for you today. So in general, I
Speaker 2: would say I kind of keep my shit on luck.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: In general, I'm someone who loves to participate in other
Speaker 2: people's kind of information. But I think because I've been
Speaker 2: in a monogue relation for almost nine years. Yeah, I
Speaker 2: got married last year, there's there's not as much mess,
Speaker 2: thank you so much. There's not as much mess as
Speaker 2: some of my other gals you know, and people in
Speaker 2: my life. But I did think back to a college
Speaker 2: story that I do love to share with you. So
Speaker 2: I yeah, like debatable on you know how great this is,
Speaker 2: but for better or worse. I was part of a
Speaker 2: sorority for all four years at UC Berkeley Goberts and
Speaker 2: you know, I did meet my best friends. You know.
Speaker 2: I lived in our sorority house. And this is a
Speaker 2: gigantic house of like sixty five women live in this place. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and eventually we had.
Speaker 1: You know rooms.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so they were mostly doubles. There were a few triples,
Speaker 2: one or two quads and one like five so it
Speaker 2: was like double bunks sixty one. It's a huge house.
Speaker 2: It's like three floors of like mostly rooms. It's crazy. Wow,
Speaker 2: I know, And this is this is a thing like
Speaker 2: on a lot of college campuses that have sorority houses,
Speaker 2: Like there were one hundred and twenty five women in
Speaker 2: the sorority at one time, and then there were yeah,
Speaker 2: sixty five ish people eighty I don't know who lived there.
Speaker 2: So that was a crazy experience. And it was a
Speaker 2: dry sororities of it, like no drinking, no drugs like
Speaker 2: inside of the sorority. Yeah, and no bringing men, no
Speaker 2: bringing boys to the sorority was the rule.
Speaker 1: Was it followed.
Speaker 2: And I had met this guy who me and my
Speaker 2: friends deemed as Grimy Grady.
Speaker 1: Uh.
Speaker 2: He was just kind of a me dude. I don't know,
Speaker 2: but I was kind of attracted to the grime. We
Speaker 2: understand this, Like, yeah, you can be attracted to somebody
Speaker 2: who is very sexy and at the same time is
Speaker 2: exhibiting sketchy ass red flag behavior. Yes, and Grimy Grady Okay,
Speaker 2: And you know, Grimey Grady and I had met at
Speaker 2: his frat one night. We had hooked up whatever we like,
Speaker 2: didn't bone. He was kind of like one of those
Speaker 2: douchey guys who like very much tried to like get
Speaker 2: me to go down on him without communicating that I
Speaker 2: feel like, so.
Speaker 1: You know, like.
Speaker 2: Exactly the head hush. We need to talk about the
Speaker 2: head push just in general, because this is assault number one. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it is non consensual. And I know so many women
Speaker 2: and people and queer people who this has happened to
Speaker 2: in their lives, and I just want to name like
Speaker 2: this is a very common and not normal experience. It's like, yeah,
Speaker 2: this is a fucked up thing that we all go through.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a really common thing. And it just feels like,
Speaker 1: come on, let's speak speak your words.
Speaker 2: We're twenty years old, like you could do it. And
Speaker 2: so yeah, hence Grimy Grady, right, And at the time,
Speaker 2: I was kind of like, oh, he's hot. All these
Speaker 2: guys kind of do this whatever, right, We listen and
Speaker 2: we don't judge as we hear. And one day I
Speaker 2: was particularly horny and I texted Grimy Grady and I
Speaker 2: was like, hey, you know, come over to the sorority house.
Speaker 2: And my roommate was already asleep, and so I had
Speaker 2: to figure out where in the sorority house we could
Speaker 2: go that was indeed a public space in order for
Speaker 2: me to get the D and so what we ended
Speaker 2: up doing was going to my sorority date room, which
Speaker 2: literally was like just an open like a room with
Speaker 2: a door on it where people could go hang out.
Speaker 2: And they're technically like this like little slit at the
Speaker 2: bottom of the door because like one hundred years ago
Speaker 2: they wanted to see three legs on the ground, two
Speaker 2: at least that were men, and one that was a
Speaker 2: woman because her other leg had to be crossed over her.
Speaker 2: This is like, wow, this is like horror story shit,
Speaker 2: like ghost Town eighteen hundreds sorority behavior, I know. So
Speaker 2: that's the that's the deal with the door. I don't
Speaker 2: know if the door is like that anymore, but that's
Speaker 2: what I heard when I was rushing. I was like,
Speaker 2: fucking yike, that is wild yikes on that fact. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 2: So basically me and Grimy Grady hooked up on the
Speaker 2: fucking carpet and of the date room, and you know,
Speaker 2: kind of like exhibition behavior. I think. I in college,
Speaker 2: you know, you have roommates, You're like, I kind of
Speaker 2: have to hook up with this person. I definitely hooked
Speaker 2: up with multiple people while roommates were asleep, as many
Speaker 2: people in college did, of course. Yeah, but this particular instance,
Speaker 2: anyone at any moment could have walked into the date
Speaker 2: room and it was like very busy, very loud, kind
Speaker 2: of outside, and I kind of got it in and
Speaker 2: said bye bye and then went to my bed.
Speaker 1: You know what, good for you. But it's a little.
Speaker 2: Messy of being like they are like sixty five other girls.
Speaker 2: Anyone at any time could kind of be walking in.
Speaker 2: It's a little it was a little kinky, public, formy grady,
Speaker 2: but yeah, that's I do.
Speaker 1: Know those rooms though we had in my dorm at NYU.
Speaker 1: I forget I was at uh what dorm. There's twenty
Speaker 1: fifth Street. I think it's the dorm. Uh, anyways, there was.
Speaker 1: It's a smaller dorm, but there is like a wreck
Speaker 1: room quote that's like a part of the building, but
Speaker 1: like you have to go into a separate like entrance situation.
Speaker 1: I've definitely got fucked a couple of times in that
Speaker 1: room because.
Speaker 2: My roommate was in the room sleeping where where else
Speaker 2: where else.
Speaker 1: This beautiful record.
Speaker 2: I am not finished with my story because a few
Speaker 2: years later, I after college, I was working at a
Speaker 2: nonprofit in San Francisco doing like after school programming for
Speaker 2: at risk youth and we were like a fundraising event
Speaker 2: and who fucking walks up but Grimey Grady, and Grimey
Speaker 2: Grady walks up. He goes, Hi, I'm Grady, and I
Speaker 2: literally gave him a look like I was like, I
Speaker 2: was like, yeah, Danielle, you really don't remember, like you
Speaker 2: don't remember. And then genuinely Britton, he did not remember me,
Speaker 2: this fucking dick wad. And then a few hours later
Speaker 2: I happened to get in the same circle of him.
Speaker 2: I was like, oh God, this is so uncomfortable. I
Speaker 2: really don't want to be talking to this dude. And
Speaker 2: then all of a sudden we're chatting and I see
Speaker 2: his eyes click that he remembers that boned in the
Speaker 2: floor of the front day room of my sorority of
Speaker 2: my sorority house, and he all of a sudden got
Speaker 2: super embarrassed and he's like, oh, I know who you are,
Speaker 2: and oh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you know who I am. That's always funny
Speaker 1: to me when people don't remember, Like, listen, there are
Speaker 1: there's a lot of boys in Los Angeles, and so
Speaker 1: sometimes you'd be like you look familiar, and I don't
Speaker 1: know why, but I've started to go. I assume that
Speaker 1: we slept with each other.
Speaker 2: That's just the baseline.
Speaker 1: If you look familiar. I'm gonna assume that we had
Speaker 1: some kind of thing until I decide that it's something else.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna I'm gonna approach this with love and
Speaker 1: compassion and like, hey, oh my gosh clicks the other way.
Speaker 1: So that's my advice. My advice is to assume that
Speaker 1: you slept with them and treat them kindly, and then
Speaker 1: you'll click and be like, oh, I don't actually know them.
Speaker 2: Addle I think is that if you assume that maybe
Speaker 2: it's even a little flirty and they're like, whoa do
Speaker 2: they want to?
Speaker 1: Well, that would be actually operated like you, you do
Speaker 1: the flirtiness and then you end up hooking up and
Speaker 1: you think it's a second time, and then you discover no,
Speaker 1: this is actually your first time hooking up, and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I thought I knew You're already know whatever it everyone
Speaker 1: everyone's everyone still comes and that's all that matters, you know.
Speaker 1: That's how means it means it's time for messy mail.
Speaker 1: Would you like to do some mess mail? Beautiful? Okay?
Speaker 1: As always, your submissions remain anonymous. One of your submissions
Speaker 1: will be my messy pick for a messy key key,
Speaker 1: which is a more in depth convo with d B.
Speaker 1: All right, This first one says, oh sometimes I like
Speaker 1: I picked these, but then I forget that. Then I
Speaker 1: read them, I'm like, oh my god. This one says,
Speaker 1: my partner tape my come soaked underwear in my mouth
Speaker 1: and then fucked come into me. Praise hands emoji. Wow,
Speaker 1: what do you feel? Have you one? Have you ever
Speaker 1: had this happen to you?
Speaker 2: That's I have.
Speaker 1: Not personally experienced it, but it did sound very sexy.
Speaker 1: But also, like, I don't know how you begin that conversation.
Speaker 2: Of you wanting to have your partner do that.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, like I'm gonna soak my underwear and come
Speaker 1: and then you're going to grab tape and put it
Speaker 1: in my mouth and tape my mouth and gag then
Speaker 1: with it, dag me with it, and then you're gonna
Speaker 1: fuck me. Like it's so creative to me.
Speaker 2: I'm kind of intrigue, right, I think, like, yeah, I
Speaker 2: mean I think that there are definitely many people who
Speaker 2: have done this. Soon You're not alone. Let's just say
Speaker 2: that a lot of people are kinky and love come
Speaker 2: soaked underwear. A lot of people buy it on the internet.
Speaker 2: In fact, they do.
Speaker 1: We've had I've had some people talk about people them
Speaker 1: selling their come soaked underwear or socks or whatnot.
Speaker 2: I understand. I think that fluids are very interesting to people.
Speaker 2: So is the question how do we get someone to
Speaker 2: be open to doing this?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I mean, it was just it was
Speaker 1: a submission and more so like I'm curious one for me.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'd want my come soaked underwear
Speaker 1: in my mouth, like I would rather it be my
Speaker 1: partners come soaked underwear. They taped my mouth, Yeah, as
Speaker 1: opposed to my own com Do your meds.
Speaker 2: Feel more dirty to you than your partners?
Speaker 1: Interesting? So my boyfriend, uh, he cannot stand his own
Speaker 1: com like oh not into it, like you know, like
Speaker 1: he'll shoot a big load and then it's like I
Speaker 1: immediately need to like clean off because he's like, uh
Speaker 1: he wants to throw up. He can't see his on
Speaker 1: cop fine with my cum, but hiss come, He's like
Speaker 1: I can't handle. For me, I don't mind my own
Speaker 1: com but I guess I'm like not trying to put
Speaker 1: it in my mouth, but I'm not opposed to it.
Speaker 2: To me, the kind of issue here and doesn't lie
Speaker 2: with the comm It's more of the undies. I think, like,
Speaker 2: oh me, like, I don't know. I think because like
Speaker 2: for for my vulva, thinking of like other discharge and
Speaker 2: kind of other things that end up in the underwear
Speaker 2: that I'm just not personally interested in having in my mouth.
Speaker 2: But I do like the idea of yeah, coming inside
Speaker 2: the mouth and then potentially maybe a little transfer. Maybe
Speaker 2: that's something that it has the same effect but maybe
Speaker 2: doesn't have the the other fluids on the undies.
Speaker 1: Yeah, either way. I what I like about this is
Speaker 1: how kind of primal it is, something still like sexy
Speaker 1: and ravenous. Uh, they're hungry. Yeah, there's something also quite
Speaker 1: free about that, Like like like the couple or the
Speaker 1: partners who decide to tape comes to underwear in their
Speaker 1: mouth and then like breed each other.
Speaker 2: That's a couple that like they're not afraid. They're Yeah,
Speaker 2: we should learn we should learn from them. We should
Speaker 2: learn their excitement and their zest.
Speaker 1: Their de vive is Yeah, look at that. See how
Speaker 1: is classy? I don't care what y'all say.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: This one says around once a month, I block my
Speaker 1: ex on IG and report all of his pictures and
Speaker 1: to be honest, healing, Oh.
Speaker 2: My, okay, that is fucking hilarious. I support this wholeheartedly.
Speaker 1: I honestly support it as well. I mean, I I
Speaker 1: just love how we are. You know, we're using mental
Speaker 1: health language a moment where it's like.
Speaker 2: Okay, but I mean, do we gotta do? I think, like,
Speaker 2: you know, we have to assume that you know, there's
Speaker 2: a lot of Grammy Grady's in this world, so I
Speaker 2: don't know what this X has done, potentially something not great,
Speaker 2: and so if you know, harmless, report to i G.
Speaker 2: Like usually i G doesn't give a shit about the.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they don't really, you know, Yeah, it's kind of
Speaker 1: to me, it's it's it's quite funny. I think we
Speaker 1: are assuming the ex is terrible, and you must we
Speaker 1: must assume the ex is terrible, and so to me,
Speaker 1: it's quite a harmless and funny way to do it.
Speaker 1: Somebody said, I think we read this on the show
Speaker 1: where somebody had bought their boyfriend's like website domainers their
Speaker 1: exits website domain and and did all things which I think.
Speaker 2: Is also you're thinking two steps ahead.
Speaker 1: I love, I just I do what I appreciate about
Speaker 1: things like this is like I out of sight, out
Speaker 1: of mind kind of vibes like I'm a tourist. Like
Speaker 1: once once you're dead to me, your dead to me.
Speaker 1: So I just don't have the wherewithal to remember, time
Speaker 1: to unblock.
Speaker 2: Like I'm booked and busy. I don't busy.
Speaker 1: I want to the next. But I really respect the petty.
Speaker 1: I listen, I respect the petty to block him and
Speaker 1: and and report always. This one says, I like pushing
Speaker 1: out loads from my hole and smelling them on toilet paper.
Speaker 2: WHOA, I wonder what they I wish they said what
Speaker 2: they smelled like.
Speaker 1: I so, okay, so I can tell you it doesn't
Speaker 1: really smell like anything, at least when I've done it,
Speaker 1: because it's not that I like to do this, but
Speaker 1: I am curious, so I've doubled. So I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: if I'm pushing out a load, what what is it all?
Speaker 2: Small?
Speaker 1: Like it's for science, it's just everyone. It's for researchers.
Speaker 1: For science. You gotta understand. And I don't think I'm
Speaker 1: you know, deb I'm gonna I'm gonna do this again
Speaker 1: this week and then I'll report back. But I don't
Speaker 1: remember it smelling like much of anything, but it is
Speaker 1: kind of hot. I do think it is hot.
Speaker 2: To just engage with it. Do you touch it? Do
Speaker 2: you kind of treat it like a science experiment? What's
Speaker 2: going on? Sure?
Speaker 1: I mean now for me, now, I just like I'll
Speaker 1: just push it out into the toilet and then I'll
Speaker 1: text you know, whoever's load that is, like, Wow, that
Speaker 1: was such a big load, which I think is so hot.
Speaker 1: I love when I received that text, Wow, you came
Speaker 1: so much. When somebody pushes out, So that's what I do.
Speaker 1: I like to see it floating in the toilet and then,
Speaker 1: you know, flesh like.
Speaker 2: A competitive nature to who can kind of push out
Speaker 2: the biggest load or what's the what's the feeling?
Speaker 1: I feel like that it's not competing who because the
Speaker 1: load is as big as the person gives to you. Sure,
Speaker 1: So it's more so like, oh, I love how much
Speaker 1: you came in me. You read me because of you. Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm so full of you and your babies that will never,
Speaker 1: you know, I'll never.
Speaker 2: They're gone down the drain.
Speaker 1: They're going down the drain. Also, you put them in
Speaker 1: the process there there's nothing happening there. So it's more
Speaker 1: so like that. It's more so like oh wow, like
Speaker 1: I I took that load, and like there's evidence that
Speaker 1: I took that load.
Speaker 2: Right, It's kind of a kinky like power. There's something
Speaker 2: going on there of like I'm I am being not
Speaker 2: like you know, like influenced by you or some something.
Speaker 2: We're sharing this thing.
Speaker 1: I like, I always talk about it as like Arsula
Speaker 1: taking Ariel's voice. Oh, not in a bad because I
Speaker 1: realized that that Arsla was a villain. Sure, but just
Speaker 1: like the power of like receiving someone's load or taking
Speaker 1: that load and being like, oh I now have Like
Speaker 1: sometimes I think that people will position bottoms as weak,
Speaker 1: especially outside of the community. People talk about you know,
Speaker 1: specifical let's talk about gay men taking or male body
Speaker 1: taking dick as like some kind of weakness. It's like, no,
Speaker 1: it's really you know, it's really powerful to take a dick.
Speaker 1: Like you don't take a dick easily in a booty hall.
Speaker 1: So shout out to everyone who puts dick in their
Speaker 1: booty hall.
Speaker 3: A lot of practice at a lot of breathing a
Speaker 3: lot of preparation, and do you want to ride that
Speaker 3: thing for you know, more than ten minutes, Which if
Speaker 3: you can ride for ten minutes, power to you.
Speaker 1: But like those of us who are riding it for
Speaker 1: twenty thirty, forty fifty, you know, taking dick after dick.
Speaker 1: That that's baby.
Speaker 2: Deserve a prize.
Speaker 1: I deserve a prize. Consider that load my gold medals.
Speaker 1: Yes it's me. You know, I will never be you know,
Speaker 1: Simone Biles or any of these gymnasts. But the closest
Speaker 1: I can get to it is.
Speaker 2: It's like the drip.
Speaker 1: Yes, I'm the drip kid that has happened where Okay,
Speaker 1: so this is something mes see I have Like I
Speaker 1: will sometimes go to will hook up without underwear, sure,
Speaker 1: because I don't like my dick to be constrained. But
Speaker 1: if I know that I'm bottoming, I will have underwear
Speaker 1: in my bag to put on because I have had
Speaker 1: sometimes where you're like, oh, after you get sucked, you know,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of air, so like you know, and
Speaker 1: I've had a moment where I've gone and I thought
Speaker 1: it was just a simple like you know, air fart,
Speaker 1: and it was my My sweats are covered in somebody's load, right,
Speaker 1: and and so now I wear underwear.
Speaker 2: Can because you've learned learned.
Speaker 1: I've learned that after the hook up, put on some
Speaker 1: underwear or just don't. Don't let yourself let out that
Speaker 1: air bubble because it might not be an air bubble.
Speaker 2: You're leveling up here in your experiences. You're making those
Speaker 2: more fun, they're more fresh, they're feeling better for you.
Speaker 2: You're taking care of your body. This is all things
Speaker 2: to be celebrated.
Speaker 1: Absolutely. I think that you know knowing, knowing how your
Speaker 1: body operates and what you need to feel your sexiest,
Speaker 1: both before, during, and especially after everything critical, all right,
Speaker 1: this one is my messy pick. So this one says,
Speaker 1: my partner wants to introduce toys into sex and ask
Speaker 1: what I might like. But I barely use toys on
Speaker 1: my own. To be honest, I don't really even masturbate.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure why. And I know you always talk
Speaker 1: about exploring with yourself so you could know what you like,
Speaker 1: but I get so overwhelmed. How and where do I begin?
Speaker 2: I love this question so much, great question. I love it. Also, Yeah,
Speaker 2: thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that you don't
Speaker 2: necessarily feel comfortable or confident with masturbation. I think this
Speaker 2: is a very common occurrence, especially in the US with
Speaker 2: our crap sex ed that we all had growing up,
Speaker 2: and so many people who grew up in religious households
Speaker 2: definitely feel like masturbation is sinful. They've heard a lot
Speaker 2: of things that aren't true about masturbation, and so I'm
Speaker 2: here to say that masturbation is healthy and are health
Speaker 2: benefits for you, and it just feels fucking good, So
Speaker 2: that's why we should do it. It's kind of simple
Speaker 2: as that, depending on if you have a volva or
Speaker 2: if you have a penis, or you're interested in anal toys, Like,
Speaker 2: there's so many different kinds of toys. But I do
Speaker 2: think that there are kind of three major questions that I,
Speaker 2: as a sex educator, like to ask to make sure
Speaker 2: people feel comfortable buying the toy that they want to buy.
Speaker 2: One is like what is your price point? There are
Speaker 2: like some twenty dollars like bullets out there that I
Speaker 2: could recommend versus like a two hundred and fifty dollars
Speaker 2: like state of the art kind of insertible that has
Speaker 2: all these different settings, Like what are you looking for?
Speaker 2: Then the second question is what kind of material do
Speaker 2: you like? Do you want it to vibrate? Do you
Speaker 2: want medical grade silicone? Do you like glass? Like putting
Speaker 2: it in the freezer and getting a cold before you start, right, Like, Yeah,
Speaker 2: there are so many different kinds of materials and it
Speaker 2: really just depends on like what you like on your
Speaker 2: body or inside your body. And the third question is
Speaker 2: do you like internal stimulation, extra external stimulation or both?
Speaker 2: Like are you looking for nipple clamps that specifically or
Speaker 2: for your nipples or do you want anal beads or
Speaker 2: are you specifically wanting you know, if you have a
Speaker 2: volva something that inserts so you get g spot and
Speaker 2: like interior clitteral stimulation as well as exterior clitteral stimulation.
Speaker 2: So like thinking through all those things.
Speaker 1: Can I repeat all that? So you're saying price point
Speaker 1: is the first thing, whether we want twenty dollars or
Speaker 1: two fifty. The second part is what do you want
Speaker 1: it to feel? Like? Yeah, like material material, so whether
Speaker 1: we're talking about silicone or glass or something it feels fleshy.
Speaker 1: And then the last question.
Speaker 2: Is about what kind of stimulation you want?
Speaker 1: What kind of simulation external, internal, or both? Yes, I
Speaker 1: love that breakdown. That's really that's really a way to
Speaker 1: make this a little easier and less overwhelming.
Speaker 2: Yeah right, And something that a really great educator once
Speaker 2: said to me many years ago on my podcast. His
Speaker 2: name is Andy Durant, and he was a director at
Speaker 2: Good Vibrations in the Bay for a long time, a
Speaker 2: really well known sex stoor that is here since the
Speaker 2: seventy He says, this isn't going to be your your
Speaker 2: last sex toy that you buy. This is going to
Speaker 2: be your first sex toy that you buy. Wow. Yes,
Speaker 2: very powerful to be able to think of, like take
Speaker 2: the pressure off. There are so many different things that
Speaker 2: you can buy to make yourself feel good, and this
Speaker 2: won't be the last. Like, this is very much an
Speaker 2: experiment and for you to be thinking through, Okay, what
Speaker 2: does feel good for me? How do I want to come?
Speaker 2: What exactly do I want in order to experiment with
Speaker 2: myself and with my part? Doesn't it doesn't have to
Speaker 2: be perfect, It doesn't have to be perfect. Yes, so
Speaker 2: I think, like in order to figure out even backing
Speaker 2: up before we continue with sex toys, this person is saying,
Speaker 2: you know, I'm not even really comfortable figuring out what
Speaker 2: I like to masturbate, Yeah, and I think like really
Speaker 2: thinking about what turns you on and like getting in
Speaker 2: touch with your body. You can literally just take like
Speaker 2: a five minute session and lay on your bed and
Speaker 2: like slowly just rub your finger over your body, slowly
Speaker 2: rub them over your genitals and see what thoughts come
Speaker 2: to mind as to like, yeah, movies that you've watched,
Speaker 2: or porn that you've watched, or you know, erotica that
Speaker 2: you've read, right, Like, there's so many different ways that
Speaker 2: we can turn ourselves on, and the chances are there
Speaker 2: is something that you're intrigued about if you do feel
Speaker 2: that sexual sensation. Obviously it can be a different conversation
Speaker 2: if we're talking about folks who are on the asexual spectrum. Sure,
Speaker 2: But if you're someone who's writing in who's saying, like,
Speaker 2: I'm interested in masturbation and I do get turned on,
Speaker 2: I'm just not sure how to parse out what that is.
Speaker 2: It has to start with you considering what potentially turns
Speaker 2: me on, and how can I continue to think about
Speaker 2: that and match that experience with touching myself with my
Speaker 2: hands or with a toy or having my partner help out.
Speaker 1: I have two things one I would like to offer
Speaker 1: an addition as to what you just said, which is
Speaker 1: I've been using this acronym. I'm working on my stage show,
Speaker 1: which is which I'm doing in New York at the
Speaker 1: end of the year called ho Church, and so I've
Speaker 1: been writing it's about my journey of sexual liberation. And
Speaker 1: so one of the parts that I talk about is
Speaker 1: how to identify your turn ons, because the most common
Speaker 1: thing that I've come up against or experienced in doing
Speaker 1: the show and in talking about sex is people not
Speaker 1: knowing what they're turn on beyond like I want and
Speaker 1: I'm like ah, and what else say more? And so
Speaker 1: the acronym that I use is bema, which I believe
Speaker 1: I'm saying that word right because that word also means
Speaker 1: kind of like an orator, pulpit. We see it, I
Speaker 1: believe in synagogues as well. But body environment, mood accoutrements.
Speaker 1: So like what parts of your body do you like?
Speaker 1: As you said, like is it rubbing your fingers over
Speaker 1: your your arms or around your genitals, kiss on your lips?
Speaker 1: Your environment like where are you having sex? Is the bedroom?
Speaker 1: Is it the kitchen? Is it? You know? For my
Speaker 1: gaze in the alleyway, what's the mood? Do you need
Speaker 1: a playlist, scented candle? And then your accouterments like do
Speaker 1: you want a toy? Do you want you know, blindfolds
Speaker 1: as a way to break it down. But then even
Speaker 1: before that, and I would love to break this down
Speaker 1: with you, I'm curious about how do I phrase this
Speaker 1: the person who maybe is wrapped in shame, yes, unconsciously perhaps,
Speaker 1: And so that's what's stopping them from even being able
Speaker 1: to identify what their turn ons are because they're still
Speaker 1: not sure it's okay to masturbate. And how do you
Speaker 1: begin to pull at the threads of that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's such a great question, and I think there
Speaker 2: are so many resources and professionals out there that can
Speaker 2: help people parse through what that feels like. Because if
Speaker 2: you think about how long I've been on this planet
Speaker 2: for thirty two years, right, So if I grew up
Speaker 2: in a religious household and my sex ad was garbage,
Speaker 2: and I was taught that masturbation was inappropriate for twenty
Speaker 2: years of my life, right, for thirty years of my life,
Speaker 2: think about how long it would take to unlearn some
Speaker 2: of that shame, right, Like, hopefully it doesn't take thirty years.
Speaker 2: But for many people, it's kind of this piece by piece,
Speaker 2: layer by layer pullback of like the little Wins, and like,
Speaker 2: you know, we're not even talking about folks who have
Speaker 2: been you know, sexually harassed and sexually assaulted and have
Speaker 2: gone through trauma, Like trauma really impacts our ability to
Speaker 2: feel comfortable with our sexuality and with our bodies and
Speaker 2: with our partners. And so this is a multi layered thing.
Speaker 2: And so I want to say, number one, give yourself
Speaker 2: patience and grace and time, because you are not alone.
Speaker 2: Most people, especially most people in the US, have some
Speaker 2: sort of experience like this where they feel uncomfortable thinking
Speaker 2: about masturbation, talking about it. You know, we don't talk
Speaker 2: about this with our friends. We don't talk about it
Speaker 2: with our partner. Usually, Like people who I've even spoken
Speaker 2: with who are quote unquote sex positive have told me
Speaker 2: that they still face orgasms with their partner because they
Speaker 2: don't know how to talk to them about it. Right,
Speaker 2: It's just like it is so much more common than
Speaker 2: we think, And so patients grace and really understanding that,
Speaker 2: like this is something that has to happen day by day.
Speaker 2: And like the final piece here that I want to
Speaker 2: say is like there are experts out there who can help,
Speaker 2: Like you know Emily Nagoski, doctor Emily degaskis on your show.
Speaker 2: I love her so much. Like she wrote a book
Speaker 2: called Come as You Are and Come Together, and like
Speaker 2: there are so many other amazing researchers and sexologists and
Speaker 2: doctors out there who you know, have interesting information to
Speaker 2: share about like what is going on with us psychologically
Speaker 2: and how can we start to unlearn these things? And
Speaker 2: therapists and sex therapists are amazing resources who we can
Speaker 2: go to and say, this is an issue that I
Speaker 2: actually want to work through and improve in order for
Speaker 2: you to get to that zone where then you're thinking
Speaker 2: about what's my environment looking like, what are my accessories?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 2: You know? It's kind of like it's a flowing kind
Speaker 2: of thing. It's not a step ladder, because there are
Speaker 2: so many different ways that our journey can take us
Speaker 2: when we're thinking about our exploration with ourselves and with
Speaker 2: our pleasure.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I actually want You've said so many beautiful things,
Speaker 1: and I want to I want to what's the word
Speaker 1: I want to be on your I want to like
Speaker 1: high five aspectually, use the sports anology and I was like, gro,
Speaker 1: you don't play sports, but you know I want to.
Speaker 1: I want to do something, which is to say that
Speaker 1: I think that when you're talking about therapists, especially like
Speaker 1: a sex therapist or going to a therapist about you know,
Speaker 1: masturbation or your sex, sometimes can feel perhaps like oh,
Speaker 1: but there are better ways for me to spend my
Speaker 1: money or my time. And I actually think that, you know,
Speaker 1: learning about your body and your pleasure will free you
Speaker 1: up in so many other ways, Like if you invest
Speaker 1: in finding those resources, whether it's a sex therapist or
Speaker 1: reading these books or finding somebody's podcast, that investment is
Speaker 1: you will see that you're gonna start by talking about sex,
Speaker 1: what you end up doing is liberating yourself as a whole.
Speaker 1: I always say, like from the dark room to the boardroom, right,
Speaker 1: Like the person who understands how to show up for
Speaker 1: themselves and advocate for themselves in their bedroom in the
Speaker 1: dark room knows how to manage that boardroom as well,
Speaker 1: because there is something about sex that I don't think
Speaker 1: we talk about enough mainstream wise, and like how it
Speaker 1: is the perhaps the holder of all of your chains.
Speaker 1: In some ways, I might argue, yeah, that a lot
Speaker 1: of your because because it's about your identity, right, Like
Speaker 1: I can't talk about sex without talking about your race,
Speaker 1: your gender, your class, your religion, like all of those
Speaker 1: things influence how you show up to the bedroom, which
Speaker 1: is why this show centers around women and queer folks
Speaker 1: because you know, of all the groups, our groups rarely
Speaker 1: ever are allowed to talk about sex with pleasure at
Speaker 1: the at the center of it. So all that to say,
Speaker 1: I would encourage anyone who is trying to figure out
Speaker 1: about their masturbation to invest the time. Yes, but it
Speaker 1: is worth it to find that sex therapist or those
Speaker 1: resources that it is worth it to say, oh, because
Speaker 1: I think people it's easy for people to write off
Speaker 1: sex is like okay, yeah, like I don't know about that,
Speaker 1: but like whatever, there are bigger, more pressing things, and
Speaker 1: I think that if you can actually tackle that, it
Speaker 1: will unlock everything else that you're trying to tackle. Does
Speaker 1: that make sense.
Speaker 2: You are speaking my language. Can I briefly tell you
Speaker 2: about a masturbation experiment that I did?
Speaker 1: Yes? Yeah, yeah, oh my god, absolutely.
Speaker 2: Okay. So one of my amazing sponsors is the Magic
Speaker 2: wand the Classic Like most nicomic magic wond the Magic
Speaker 2: Wand yes, I've been working with them for years because
Speaker 2: you know, sex d with dB is very much all
Speaker 2: about pleasure and very much all about making sure people
Speaker 2: know about their bodies and their health. And I went
Speaker 2: to them and I pose this three week masturbation experiment
Speaker 2: where the first week was abstinence week, so no sexual
Speaker 2: activity whatsoever. The second week was treatment week using the
Speaker 2: Magic wand once a day every day for seven days.
Speaker 2: And the third week was regular week where sex by
Speaker 2: myself and or with my partner with and without the
Speaker 2: Magic wand sex as usual. And I did this experiment
Speaker 2: about a year and a half ago, and the results
Speaker 2: were unbelievable, Like my confidence increased nineteen percent from abstinence
Speaker 2: week through treatment week. I've reported better moods, less stress,
Speaker 2: less anxiety during the Magic Wand week, i got hornier
Speaker 2: over time instead of less horny. Like I hypothesized, Wow,
Speaker 2: fascinating results that I had. And I went back to
Speaker 2: Magic Wand again and said, let's do this for real,
Speaker 2: this time with a lead researcher. And we recruited doctor
Speaker 2: Candice Nicole Hargin's an amazing black woman who is this
Speaker 2: sexuality professor who has dozens of research studies under her belt,
Speaker 2: and she and I co led a research study that
Speaker 2: we are doing right now with a thousand people doing
Speaker 2: similar a similar experiment to what I did with me
Speaker 2: and my team designed and the results will be out
Speaker 2: this summer and I'm so excited about it, and to
Speaker 2: just finish really quickly on what you said when you
Speaker 2: unlock the sexual pleasure piece, I also found this that
Speaker 2: it unlocked everything else for me, Like once I got
Speaker 2: my sleep in order, relationship connectivity with my partner, once
Speaker 2: my stress was down, and once my sexual pleasure was there,
Speaker 2: I was a happy whole person and it was incredible.
Speaker 1: That is two. I have many questions that which is one.
Speaker 1: I think that's because it is the sex, especially in
Speaker 1: the US, is where we carry so much shame and
Speaker 1: so much you know, guilt and hiding, and so if
Speaker 1: you learn how to talk about that thing freely, then
Speaker 1: everything else becomes less scary and you're like, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: let me do with this family ship right now, right.
Speaker 1: But my question for you is what do you hYP
Speaker 1: I know you'll get the research out and we'll definitely
Speaker 1: have to do a follow up, but what do you
Speaker 1: hypothesize is the reason for that increase and confidence and
Speaker 1: horniness based off of the structure of we start with
Speaker 1: abstinence treatment regular, Yeah, like what is that doing psychologically
Speaker 1: to allow the increase?
Speaker 2: So my idea was that like, because treatment week was
Speaker 2: in the middle of the three weeks, that there would
Speaker 2: maybe be latent impact to regular week. And so I
Speaker 2: think like for me, I kind of assumed that, oh,
Speaker 2: like you know, there were many hypotheses that I had,
Speaker 2: which one of them was like, oh, that I would
Speaker 2: decrease in horniness over time because I would be forcing
Speaker 2: myself every day to masturbate when I'm not in the mood.
Speaker 2: And it really just showed that like excitement and feeling
Speaker 2: like good in my body and like happy and getting
Speaker 2: that the orgasm and having those endorphins, and that that
Speaker 2: increase in those chemicals and those brain chemicals, those positive
Speaker 2: of brain chemicals, that that kind of fell into me
Speaker 2: being a more confident, less stressed, happier person and like
Speaker 2: this horniness begets horniness thing of like people who write
Speaker 2: into me and you saying how do I get my
Speaker 2: libido back? And it's like, well, are you trying anything?
Speaker 2: And they're like, you know, no, It's like Okay, let's
Speaker 2: just get into a rhythm here.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's just turn the car on. Just turn the
Speaker 1: car on.
Speaker 2: And that's where sex toys can really be, like like
Speaker 2: you said, liberating for people because they are like accessible
Speaker 2: to people. They're inclusive, like for folks with disabilities, they
Speaker 2: can use sex toys in order for them to have
Speaker 2: pleasure and potentially reach orgasm. Like there are so many
Speaker 2: great things about sex toys that we really don't talk
Speaker 2: about because it's such a shameful thing for people, right,
Speaker 2: But I really do see it as like a gateway
Speaker 2: to happiness for people.
Speaker 1: I love that. What do you uh for this person?
Speaker 1: What's like Let's let me ask you like basics, like
Speaker 1: for a penis owner and for a Volva owner, what
Speaker 1: are like the basic like beginning, like would you say
Speaker 1: start with the magic Wand.
Speaker 2: Because I fucking love it. It's one of my favorite
Speaker 2: toys of all time personally, I.
Speaker 1: Mean it's it's it's one of the highest rated toys
Speaker 1: for a reason.
Speaker 2: It's been abound for over fifty years. Like it's kind
Speaker 2: of synonymous with like the women's rights movement in the seventies,
Speaker 2: and so yeah, I think, I do think, and it's
Speaker 2: interesting because like I'm all up in Reddit and like
Speaker 2: I'm checking out what people think of the Magic Wand
Speaker 2: and read it and people assume that it's just for
Speaker 2: people with volva's but a lot of penis owners love
Speaker 2: the Magic Wand. Really, yes, I think like the because
Speaker 2: the vibration of the Magic Wand is so different from
Speaker 2: so many other sex toys. I think, yeah, is what
Speaker 2: is exciting for penis owners. And I think that they
Speaker 2: play with it on the head of the penis. There's
Speaker 2: so many nerve endings obviously on the head. I think
Speaker 2: they run it on the shaft. I think that they're
Speaker 2: able to kind of also put it on other parts
Speaker 2: of their body that want to.
Speaker 1: I thought it was exclusively for vulva owners, so I'd
Speaker 1: love to hear that you know, it can be used
Speaker 1: for penis owners as well. I would love to try.
Speaker 2: I'll definitely send you on don't worry and yeah, they're
Speaker 2: just there are just so many things obviously that you
Speaker 2: can you can do with it, Like you know, people
Speaker 2: definitely legitimately use it for their like muscles, like their
Speaker 2: leg muscles and back muscles as a back massager for that.
Speaker 2: But yeah, for vulva owners too, like you know, you
Speaker 2: don't have it's so large that you don't have to
Speaker 2: press that hard, and so it covers a really large
Speaker 2: surface area. And so yeah, I personally think the Magic
Speaker 2: Wand is great for for all parts. But yeah, I
Speaker 2: think I would recommend, especially if you do have a
Speaker 2: vulva to start with, and if you like kind of
Speaker 2: like broad stimulation that feels like you like the pressure,
Speaker 2: definitely I would start with the Magic Wand. But if
Speaker 2: you're some one who feels really intimidated by the Magic
Speaker 2: Wand and you're someone who would rather start with a
Speaker 2: smaller kind of accessory or toy, I do think that
Speaker 2: something that fits in your palm, like Dame Products does.
Speaker 2: Like the palm where like you can hump it, you
Speaker 2: can kind of put it in different areas of your vulva.
Speaker 2: I think that's a really good thing for vulva owners.
Speaker 2: What do you have any like penis owner suggestions for toys?
Speaker 1: This is this is like I want to like partner
Speaker 1: with a sex toy company because I have not found
Speaker 1: a toy that I love for my penis. Right, yeah,
Speaker 1: like a stroker or like a stroker or like the
Speaker 1: flesh lights rights or.
Speaker 2: None of them vibrating.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like it's none of that's your favorite thing. Nothing
Speaker 1: has been my favorite. And listen, I you know, as
Speaker 1: you can imagine, I get sent things I have like
Speaker 1: a chest of toys and anything that I'm I'm inspired by,
Speaker 1: I enjoy my. I enjoy my like anal stimulation kind
Speaker 1: of thing, so my dildos or I really want a
Speaker 1: fuck machine quite honestly love it. Well, I would die
Speaker 1: for that. But I haven't found anything for my penis
Speaker 1: per se that I'm like obsessed with, which is why
Speaker 1: I would really be excited to try the magical wand
Speaker 1: and see if that is a is a vibe.
Speaker 2: But to I do? I agree with you. That's why
Speaker 2: I kind of ask you because I've never really heard
Speaker 2: a penis owner be like this is like exactly the
Speaker 2: kind of toy that I want, And I think, like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: toys are just more marketed, I think in gen other
Speaker 2: than flashlights. I think toys are just more marketed to
Speaker 2: people with volvas now like currently or it's kind of
Speaker 2: like a yeah, like a sex doll or you know something, yes, yeah,
Speaker 2: like a monster cock thing where those these kind of
Speaker 2: interesting different toys. But yeah, We've already talked about this
Speaker 2: a million times, like for all body parts, lube, lube, lube,
Speaker 2: like lubel, you've got to use lube no matter what
Speaker 2: you're doing.
Speaker 1: Well. The last you say this, though, just so I
Speaker 1: make sure we answer this is if you want to
Speaker 1: include toys with your partner, how do you how do
Speaker 1: you begin to talk about what that looks like? Yeah?
Speaker 2: I think the key here is to use your word
Speaker 2: as curiosity, So coming to a conversation to your partner,
Speaker 2: not in the moment, saying like, hey, I would love
Speaker 2: to talk to you about something sexy later tonight. Are
Speaker 2: you down, so that they're prepared in a sense, or
Speaker 2: you can even say like, hey, I want to if
Speaker 2: you want to text them even if they're at work,
Speaker 2: or you know what, have you like, Hey, I've been
Speaker 2: like doing some research on sex toys and I want
Speaker 2: to talk to you about it later tonight. Are you
Speaker 2: are you free? You know, like, prepping them so that
Speaker 2: if your partner is notoriously not interested in something like that,
Speaker 2: or you've never had the conversation, they're able to process that,
Speaker 2: not in real time, but prior to the conversation.
Speaker 1: I love that, Yes, And then.
Speaker 2: Say they say yes, right, Like, if they're your partner,
Speaker 2: hopefully they're baller and they're like yeah, sure. And if
Speaker 2: they say like, oh, you know, maybe they're like hmm, okay,
Speaker 2: they might be nervous, right, which is totally okay. You
Speaker 2: can even name that, like, hey, if this makes you nervous,
Speaker 2: I'm a little nervous too, it's okay.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Communicating over communicating can always be great. Then when we
Speaker 2: get in the moment, you know, maybe you're you're coming
Speaker 2: with some ideas. You're not you're not just saying like, oh,
Speaker 2: like in general, what do you think about sex? Boys,
Speaker 2: Maybe you're like, hey, I love it when you when
Speaker 2: you kiss me on my neck and then when you
Speaker 2: play with my nipples. I found this thing that maybe
Speaker 2: allows us to play in a different way. What do
Speaker 2: you think about this? Like, you know, let them focus
Speaker 2: in on one thing in particular, so that they're not
Speaker 2: overthinking things and feeling overwhelmed. So if maybe it's like
Speaker 2: you start with one toy, right, and then you kind
Speaker 2: of see what they say. Now if they respond again,
Speaker 2: if they're your partner, hopefully they say let's fucking do it. Actually,
Speaker 2: one's already on the way, right, Like, maybe they have
Speaker 2: the same idea as you. Hopefully they say like, I'm
Speaker 2: down because your pleasure is my pleasure, right Like, we
Speaker 2: want to be dating people and partnered with people where
Speaker 2: our pleasure is their pleasure and vice versa. If that
Speaker 2: is the dynamic that we have set up with them,
Speaker 2: and if they say, you know, I'm not really interested
Speaker 2: in that, right, Like, I don't want to do that.
Speaker 2: I think it is important for the person to be
Speaker 2: curious and say like, Okay, I respect that, I understand.
Speaker 2: I'd love to figure out what's going on for you
Speaker 2: on the back end here. I would love to hear
Speaker 2: what you're thinking. Like, let's allow them to have their
Speaker 2: moment of process and respect that and also for us
Speaker 2: to dig a little bit into Is this because they
Speaker 2: are ashamed? Is this because they, you know, are uncomfortable
Speaker 2: with the idea of using a toy? Is this because
Speaker 2: you know there's this horrible kind of idea where certainly
Speaker 2: it can be all genders, but I feel like in general,
Speaker 2: the stereotype is that men think that women using sex
Speaker 2: toys is cheating on them, right Like, so like, is
Speaker 2: that kind of myth that we need to be busted.
Speaker 1: Why don't conscious right, those unconscious beliefs that we're indoctrinated
Speaker 1: with that still playing.
Speaker 2: Inside of the shame that we have about this, the
Speaker 2: control that we want to have on other people. Yes,
Speaker 2: and so what's going on for that person? And so
Speaker 2: once they and maybe they don't know, listen, maybe they're
Speaker 2: not sure.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And if.
Speaker 2: They don't know, you can say that's totally okay. Let's
Speaker 2: talk about this in a week, Like I want to
Speaker 2: give you the time and the space to be able
Speaker 2: to talk about this and think about it, and let's
Speaker 2: revisit it because and you can say, why this is
Speaker 2: really important to me. I'm really interested in exploring this
Speaker 2: with you. I think this would be a lot of fun.
Speaker 2: And if we don't like it, we can stop. And
Speaker 2: so respectful, yeah, transparent, communicative, allowing them to process their feelings.
Speaker 2: And then you see where that goes.
Speaker 1: I love that because ultimately it goes back to everything
Speaker 1: you've said, which is the patience of it. It's like,
Speaker 1: we don't have to get to ten right now, right
Speaker 1: to respect that there's a journey here and so giving
Speaker 1: each other time and space to go on the journey.
Speaker 1: And if we're partners we're going on this journey together,
Speaker 1: and we're not always going to be aligned always. But
Speaker 1: your partner might need a little bit more time to
Speaker 1: catch up to you, or you might need more time
Speaker 1: to catch up to them. And so this willingness to
Speaker 1: come to each other curiously and compassionately, right, it's not
Speaker 1: like well, it's just like no anger, It's curiosity. I
Speaker 1: want to know more, and I want to give you
Speaker 1: space to think about something you may and not have
Speaker 1: spoken thought about before, exactly because I love.
Speaker 2: That we're only human and we are only able to
Speaker 2: understand things from the messages that we have received, right,
Speaker 2: Like if we receive things that say sex toys are
Speaker 2: weird and they are not appropriate, or I don't want
Speaker 2: to use these kinds because of X, Y and Z,
Speaker 2: or if you're homophobic and you're like, I don't want
Speaker 2: to use an anal toy. Like, there's so many things
Speaker 2: that we are having to unlearn that we need to
Speaker 2: have patience with each other and with ourselves.
Speaker 1: I love that dB, before we go, one of the
Speaker 1: other things that we want to talk about was just
Speaker 1: a little hokeeping about abortion pills versus plan B. Yes,
Speaker 1: so will you because you know we are an educational
Speaker 1: pod here, so I do and you have the knowledge,
Speaker 1: so will you talk to us about that, especially in
Speaker 1: the times that we're in. I feel like this information
Speaker 1: is incredibly important and valuable, So will you break that
Speaker 1: down for us.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for giving me the airtime on this,
Speaker 2: because listen, I am up in my threads account and
Speaker 2: people are in the comments very confused whenever I'm kind
Speaker 2: of making, you know, threads or tweet whatever about Plan
Speaker 2: B versus abortion, and people think that they are one
Speaker 2: and the same. And I'm here to tell you Plan
Speaker 2: B is not an abortion. I'll repeat that for the
Speaker 2: folks in the back. Plan B is not an abortion.
Speaker 2: And you might be wondering what's the difference.
Speaker 1: What.
Speaker 2: Let me get some information on these things. So Plan
Speaker 2: B TLDR. Plan B prevents pregnancy before it starts. It
Speaker 2: prevents a pregnancy, and abortion pills end a pregnancy after
Speaker 2: it has begun. So Plan B is prevention and abortion
Speaker 2: pills end an existing pregnancy. And so there are a
Speaker 2: few pieces of information that I just wanted to share
Speaker 2: about each of these things. And you know, Plan B
Speaker 2: is kind of like the you know, the brand name essentially,
Speaker 2: and so it works by stopping or delaying ovulation and
Speaker 2: preventing fertilization. But if you're already pregnant, it won't work.
Speaker 2: So it only prevents a pregnancy. And it's most effective
Speaker 2: within seventy two hours. It can be taken up to
Speaker 2: five days, and the effectiveness is very high. Within seventy
Speaker 2: two hours, it's seventy five to eighty nine percent effective.
Speaker 2: And you can buy it on at CBS. You can
Speaker 2: buy it on Amazon one day delivery, like if you
Speaker 2: are in need of it, highly recommend. If you're listening
Speaker 2: to this episode and you have a partner who might
Speaker 2: get pregnant or you might get pregnant, just stock it
Speaker 2: in your mind in cabinet. Just have a Plan B
Speaker 2: pill for when you need it, and you don't have
Speaker 2: to feel overwhelmed and you know, go crazy and feel
Speaker 2: like you need to run to the you know, just
Speaker 2: have it and then you're able to take it. And
Speaker 2: some side effects are mild and temporary, like nausea, fatigue, headache, spotting,
Speaker 2: changes in menstruation. But it is safe and reliable. So
Speaker 2: that's what I want to say about Plan B and
Speaker 2: abortion pills. As I said, end an existing pregnancy. They
Speaker 2: use two medications, mif apristone, which stops the pregnancy from growing,
Speaker 2: and mesa prostal, which expels the pregnancy from the uterus,
Speaker 2: and it's typically effective within the first eleven weeks of pregnancy.
Speaker 2: Incredibly effective and safe ninety three to ninety eight percent
Speaker 2: effective if used within the recommended timeframe, and it does
Speaker 2: require a prescription and consultation with a healthcare provider. Some
Speaker 2: side effects cramping, heavy bleeding, nausea, fever, chills. The symptoms
Speaker 2: are similar to a miscarriage. So I think the reason
Speaker 2: why this is so important for me to say on
Speaker 2: the show is because, please, especially in the current political landscape,
Speaker 2: like if we are not operating from the same medically accurate,
Speaker 2: non judgmental information. Yeah, and we're making laws about these
Speaker 2: things that prohibit women and queer people and people with
Speaker 2: uterses from getting the care they need. We as a
Speaker 2: community need to be informing each other of what the
Speaker 2: facts are and where people can get the care that
Speaker 2: they need. So yeah, again, really happy to be able
Speaker 2: to talk about this on this show. So thank you
Speaker 2: for so much letting me have the time.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, thank you so much. Yeah, you know, we are
Speaker 1: in this together. We are a community, and so this
Speaker 1: type of information and education is vital and important. So
Speaker 1: thank you for being able to be here and share
Speaker 1: it with us.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well you know we're hose here, but hose with heart.
Speaker 1: So before we go, I want to speak to yours.
Speaker 1: I so enjoyed dB. We instantly vibed. We've like never
Speaker 1: met in person. This is our first time getting to
Speaker 1: meet and talk. And I did their podcast, which you
Speaker 1: can check out. It's called sex Ed with dB. So
Speaker 1: there's some of the things that really stuck out for me.
Speaker 1: First of all, picking a toy and the steps to
Speaker 1: picking that toy, you know, considering what your price point is,
Speaker 1: what you want the material to feel like, and what
Speaker 1: kind of stimulation do you want internal or external. I
Speaker 1: think those are such incredible checkpoints to begin because sex
Speaker 1: toys and sex stores can be so overwhelming. I was
Speaker 1: just in one a couple of weeks ago, and I
Speaker 1: knew what I was looking for, but there was like
Speaker 1: only it's like it's like a tune floor store, and
Speaker 1: there was like maybe one or two people working, and
Speaker 1: I was like, if this was my first time here,
Speaker 1: I would be overwhelmed. I like Loki have a fantasy
Speaker 1: of starting a sex toys store that's like an Apple
Speaker 1: store or like a you know where there's just like,
Speaker 1: you know, a bunch of a sexual geniuses walking around.
Speaker 1: So then you're like welcomed in and they can help,
Speaker 1: and it makes it very relatable, very you know, not
Speaker 1: you know, over stimulating, But anyways, I think that the
Speaker 1: price point, material, feeling, and you know what kind of
Speaker 1: stimulation are such great checkpoints and will help you kind
Speaker 1: of start to whittle things down. Also like nose ask
Speaker 1: your bestie, you know what I'm saying, Like, I'm sure
Speaker 1: one of the people in your life has a dope toy.
Speaker 1: And so at the next brunch, you know, after a
Speaker 1: little margarita or a little momssa, just be like, y'all
Speaker 1: got toys? What toys y'all like it? What toys y'all
Speaker 1: vibing with? What? Literally, what toys y'all vibing with? Also,
Speaker 1: going to a sex toy store with your partner can
Speaker 1: maybe feel overwhelming, but go with your best you. My
Speaker 1: Besty and I went to called Rough Trade over in
Speaker 1: Silver here in Los Angeles, uh, and it was so
Speaker 1: much fun. We like trying all our different harnesses. We
Speaker 1: know picked out a Nu dildo for me. You picked
Speaker 1: out a new toy. It was it was the best,
Speaker 1: So highly recommend a bestie trip to the Sex Storm. Also,
Speaker 1: we talked about learning about your shame so that you
Speaker 1: can be comfortable masturbating, because even before introducing toys with
Speaker 1: your partner, you know, how comfortable are you playing with
Speaker 1: yourself by yourself? There's so much to learn, Like, truly,
Speaker 1: do not underestimate investing in learning about your body, investing
Speaker 1: in investigating your body. There's there's so much there beyond
Speaker 1: just you know, your turn ons. That's like the surface level.
Speaker 1: But I think the curiosity that you can bring to
Speaker 1: this really vulnerable space which is the bedroom and your body,
Speaker 1: will then extend to other areas in your life and
Speaker 1: you'll find other places where you're like, well, I wonder
Speaker 1: if I could be curious about how I approach work,
Speaker 1: how I approach family, how I approach raising kids, how
Speaker 1: I approach being in relationship with a romantic partner, how
Speaker 1: I approach being in relationship with my friends. It just
Speaker 1: gives you that muscle that you get to kind of
Speaker 1: flex and build and get stronger. So I cannot recommend
Speaker 1: enough that if you are uncomfortable with masturbation, you know,
Speaker 1: talking to a therapist or finding a sex therapist, finding
Speaker 1: a sex coach, you know, finding the books, these podcasts,
Speaker 1: the resources invest in it, invest in investigating what else. Well, Yeah,
Speaker 1: your identity is tied to your sex so much of
Speaker 1: who we are, you know. I said this to somebody
Speaker 1: and they were surprised by it. I'm sure I've said
Speaker 1: it on the shore already, but they were so surprised
Speaker 1: by it that I was like, Oh, I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: going to say this more often, that your sex activates
Speaker 1: all all of the labels of your identity. I do
Speaker 1: not believe that you can talk about sex without talking
Speaker 1: about your cultural background, without talking about your religious upbringing,
Speaker 1: without talking about you know, your class, without talking about
Speaker 1: your gender, you know, without talking of course, without talking
Speaker 1: about your sexual orientation. All these things impact how you
Speaker 1: do or don't show up for yourself in the bedroom.
Speaker 1: All of those things sor right by the way, I'm recording,
Speaker 1: I'm in New York right now as I'm recording this,
Speaker 1: because I'm doing home church. So if you hear motherfucking
Speaker 1: sirens and hawking horns in the background, as because it's
Speaker 1: New York babe. Anyways, all of those things, all of
Speaker 1: those pieces of our identity show up in sex, show
Speaker 1: up in how we enjoy or don't enjoy sex, what
Speaker 1: makes us curious or afraid of sex? All of all
Speaker 1: of that stuff, the labels of our identity are impacted.
Speaker 1: So that's why I also say it's important to invest
Speaker 1: in investigating, because you're gonna learn so much more than
Speaker 1: just what toys you want or how to masturbate. You're
Speaker 1: going to learn about who you are. Now. That three
Speaker 1: week masturbation experiment was so fascinating and I can't wait
Speaker 1: to follow up with dB the abstinence a week, the
Speaker 1: treatment week with the magic wand once a day, and
Speaker 1: then the regular week of sex with yourself or with
Speaker 1: a partner as usual. I don't know, it's such a
Speaker 1: I'm curious about doing this for myself, and I wonder
Speaker 1: if y'all will do it for yourself. I don't have
Speaker 1: the magic wand yet, but you know, with whatever toy
Speaker 1: that you like, that that idea that you know, in
Speaker 1: order to get over that hump of fear or get
Speaker 1: over that hump of not knowing, maybe build yourself a
Speaker 1: little strategy, a little like intentional. Oh, I'm going to
Speaker 1: intentionally abstain from any time of sexual play, and then
Speaker 1: I'm going to intentionally engage daily for however long that is,
Speaker 1: whether you give yourself five minutes or you give yourself
Speaker 1: twenty minutes, you give yourself for an hour, whatever it is.
Speaker 1: But to be intentional about you know, I'm going to
Speaker 1: investigate this and then being intentional about you know, will
Speaker 1: I now have sex with my partner or you know,
Speaker 1: without the toy, with the toy, I think it's I
Speaker 1: think there's so much to learn there and I'm really
Speaker 1: excited to hear what dB learns from that research. Captflieve
Speaker 1: You've got a thousand people to try this out. That's
Speaker 1: so exciting because also I don't know how much you
Speaker 1: know depending on how much you are plugged into the
Speaker 1: sex space. Getting funding for any kind of sexual research
Speaker 1: is really difficult because societally and culturally we don't value it.
Speaker 1: And so that's why a lot of the sex research
Speaker 1: we have one skews towards penis owners and skews towards
Speaker 1: white cisgender folks. Right, there's not when you start getting
Speaker 1: into women trans folks on binary queerness, you know when
Speaker 1: you start adding in race, religion, all these other things,
Speaker 1: there isn't as much research out there because there isn't
Speaker 1: as much research in general about sex. But it's certainly
Speaker 1: not when we start adding the intersectionality of things, which
Speaker 1: is why I'm telling you your sex is tied to
Speaker 1: all of those things. And so you know, if if
Speaker 1: you know our societies won't fund the research you research,
Speaker 1: you find a way to do your own personal research. Yeah.
Speaker 1: That was yeah, I mean there were so many things,
Speaker 1: but those really stuck out. I would love to hear
Speaker 1: what suck out for you. So you can always email
Speaker 1: me at tell Me Something Messy at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: I love you so much. You can find dB on
Speaker 1: Instagram at sex Ed with dB podcast or on TikTok,
Speaker 1: Twitter and YouTube. You can also email dB at sex
Speaker 1: ed with dB at gmail dot com. You can find
Speaker 1: me on Instagram as well at branded Kyle Goodman. You
Speaker 1: can find our podcast at tell Me Something Messy, and
Speaker 1: you can join our community on the Messy Monday's substack.
Speaker 1: When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex
Speaker 1: and self and so much more. Also, I want to
Speaker 1: hear from you, so send your topic ideas, your messy stories,
Speaker 1: your submissions, your game ideas. To tell Me Something Messy
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. You can also call us at
Speaker 1: six sixty nine sixty nine Messy That is six six
Speaker 1: nine six ninety six three seven seven nine, Rate, review
Speaker 1: and share this podcast with all your HOE and aspiring
Speaker 1: HOE friends. Really really helps the show out, all right,
Speaker 1: Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
Speaker 1: before you make it spit, make sure they eat the kitty,
Speaker 1: buffore they beat the kitty before fuckation or succation. Communication.
Speaker 1: And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you
Speaker 1: are so deeply loved. I love you ye, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for listening to tell tell Me Something Messy.
Speaker 1: If you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to
Speaker 1: someone else you might like it. Tell Me Something Messy
Speaker 1: was executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly.
Speaker 1: Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
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Speaker 1: or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.