WEBVTT - The Fifth Hour: The Mallerism Bites Back 0:00:00.720 --> 0:00:01.440 Kabooms. 0:00:02.279 --> 0:00:05.360 If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:09.200 a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants 0:00:09.200 --> 0:00:12.480 of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He 0:00:12.560 --> 0:00:15.480 treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the 0:00:15.600 --> 0:00:19.600 rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow, it's clearinghouse of 0:00:19.640 --> 0:00:23.480 hot takes. Break free for something special. The Fifth Hour 0:00:23.600 --> 0:00:30.680 with Ben Mahller starts right now. 0:00:28.960 --> 0:00:32.320 In the air everywhere. 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:37.199 The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Mahler and Danny g Radio. 0:00:37.440 --> 0:00:41.800 A Happy Saturday. Oh what a day it is today? 0:00:42.000 --> 0:00:43.919 Holy can only a. 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:50.840 Big cottage football day? It is championship Saturday. You already 0:00:50.880 --> 0:00:51.199 knew that. 0:00:52.159 --> 0:00:56.280 Am I excited to watch the Conference USA championship game 0:00:56.840 --> 0:01:03.800 in Jacksonville, Alabama between in Jacksonville State and Kennesaw State. No, 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:08.360 there's two games that I have circled today and can 0:01:08.400 --> 0:01:11.840 you guess which two games I have circle? Now you 0:01:11.920 --> 0:01:14.960 might be hearing this podcast after these games have been played, 0:01:15.600 --> 0:01:18.160 So take this for what it's worth. But Alabama and 0:01:18.240 --> 0:01:22.720 Georgia Georgia Georgia A. What are the two and a 0:01:22.760 --> 0:01:25.000 half point favorite? I think something like that against Alabama 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:29.640 And that's in Atlanta, the SEC Championship game, which is 0:01:30.040 --> 0:01:34.240 four o'clock Eastern today one o'clock I believe in the West. 0:01:34.680 --> 0:01:38.920 And then the Granddaddy of them all from Lucas Oil 0:01:39.120 --> 0:01:43.840 Stadium in Indianapolis. Last time I was in Indianapolis, the 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:46.600 Colts played at the RCA Dome. Have not been to 0:01:46.680 --> 0:01:50.040 Lucas Oil Stadium, but in Indianapolis there the Hoosiers. 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:52.840 It's like a home game Indiana. 0:01:53.400 --> 0:01:57.440 That's a basketball school in Ohio State, the Big Bad 0:01:57.480 --> 0:01:58.640 Buck guys in Ohio State. 0:01:58.680 --> 0:02:01.040 A four point favorite in that game. 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:03.880 And that is the game that I have circled along 0:02:03.880 --> 0:02:05.240 with Georgia and Alabama. 0:02:05.320 --> 0:02:07.240 So look forward to watching those games. 0:02:07.280 --> 0:02:08.680 And the cool thing about it is that I don't 0:02:08.680 --> 0:02:14.320 have any you know, inside friendship with anybody. I just 0:02:14.360 --> 0:02:16.400 want to watch the game and enjoy the game. And 0:02:16.440 --> 0:02:18.600 will I put some bets down? Maybe I will, maybe 0:02:18.639 --> 0:02:19.800 I won't. I don't know yet. 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:21.359 I'll handicap the game. 0:02:21.240 --> 0:02:23.280 A little bit later, both games and see what happens 0:02:23.480 --> 0:02:26.720 on this podcast we have when the Malarism bites back 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:31.120 and the Great bag Shakedown. Yes, all right, we're gonna 0:02:31.120 --> 0:02:33.160 begin with this, so uh, you know, I want to 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:35.400 have some fun here. I want to enjoy things, and 0:02:36.080 --> 0:02:38.240 this podcast over the last couple of months has just 0:02:38.280 --> 0:02:42.880 become a weekly update on me injuring myself. It's just 0:02:43.120 --> 0:02:46.480 such a klutz and it happened yet again. So there 0:02:46.520 --> 0:02:49.960 are people in the world who trained for marathons. I 0:02:49.960 --> 0:02:52.160 think these people are nuts, but they go on twenty 0:02:52.200 --> 0:02:54.880 six point two miles. My brother, my older brother did 0:02:54.880 --> 0:02:57.480 that for years, ran the New York Marathon and they got, 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:00.960 you know, knees made out of titanium, lungs built like 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:04.840 wind tunnels. There are people who climb mountains, real mountains 0:03:04.840 --> 0:03:09.600 like Mount Everest, Kilimanjaro, and even those fake icelandic ones 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:13.040 influencers pose in front of and all that. And then 0:03:13.400 --> 0:03:17.560 there are the rest of us navigating something far more dangerous, 0:03:18.000 --> 0:03:22.400 the silverware drawer in your kitchen. So this past week 0:03:23.240 --> 0:03:27.840 I discovered a simple truth and I got burned by 0:03:27.880 --> 0:03:33.639 my own words. Burned by my own words. So there 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:37.840 are some phrases. We call them malarisms that well. 0:03:37.640 --> 0:03:39.920 That's what people have told me. I didn't come up 0:03:39.920 --> 0:03:42.240 with that term, but some of you knuckleheads have said that. 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:47.119 One of them that I use when a washed up play, 0:03:47.120 --> 0:03:51.160 I'll give you an example. Darius Sleigh this week was 0:03:52.040 --> 0:03:55.360 fired by the Pittsburgh Steelers. He was picked up on 0:03:55.520 --> 0:04:00.240 waivers by Buffalo, so is Brandon Cooks, and he came 0:04:00.280 --> 0:04:02.840 over from the Saints. He asked to be fired, and 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:05.360 he went to Buffalo. And Darius Slaye never reported least 0:04:05.360 --> 0:04:08.280 that I even showed up whatever he said. He was 0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:12.600 contemplating retirement. And so the term we would use is 0:04:13.120 --> 0:04:15.760 don't catch a falling knife. Don't try to catch a 0:04:15.760 --> 0:04:19.800 falling knife, and it has come back to bite me 0:04:20.320 --> 0:04:25.120 like a rabid raccoon in the moonlight. So the saying originally, 0:04:25.120 --> 0:04:28.760 which was borrowed from the people on Wall Street warning 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:33.359 investors about jumping into early buying a crashing stock, you 0:04:33.360 --> 0:04:33.880 gotta wait. 0:04:34.560 --> 0:04:36.880 Well, it works equally. 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:40.520 Well for washed up football players, as we just laid out, 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:45.159 and apparently for yours truly sports talk radio host pretending 0:04:45.160 --> 0:04:47.599 to be a part time dishwasher. I was bragging about 0:04:47.640 --> 0:04:52.520 my dishwashing ability. And technically this was not while dishwashing, 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:55.840 this was the postgame show. It did not happen. I 0:04:56.000 --> 0:05:00.320 was successfully able to clean off all the gunk, all 0:05:00.360 --> 0:05:05.640 the dew hickeys that get on the food or the 0:05:05.640 --> 0:05:08.160 food he gets on the plates. But after the overnight 0:05:08.200 --> 0:05:12.440 shifted and so here I was very proud of my 0:05:13.000 --> 0:05:17.640 Benny the dishwasher title I'm running on fumes is I'm 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:18.880 just setting the picture for you. 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:21.359 Eyes are glazed over. If you work overnight, you know 0:05:21.400 --> 0:05:21.839 what it's like. 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:25.360 My eyes are glazed like I'm at a crispy kream 0:05:25.440 --> 0:05:28.160 on the curveyor belt and I'm just trying to put 0:05:28.160 --> 0:05:30.480 the forks and the spoons. 0:05:29.960 --> 0:05:33.200 Away after doing the dishes. I normally do the dishes. 0:05:33.640 --> 0:05:36.120 I wash the dishes and put them in the dishwasher 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:37.920 before the show, and then by the time I get 0:05:37.920 --> 0:05:40.760 home from the studio, I can then put the dishes away. 0:05:41.720 --> 0:05:44.440 And that's how it works. I'm letting you inside the 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:49.120 Malor mansion and so no parade, no ticker tape, no balloons, 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:52.800 just a middle aged man. I guess I'm older than 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:56.880 that now, going against gravity and gravity it turns out 0:05:56.960 --> 0:06:00.040 wins every time. The cutlery began to drop as I 0:05:59.920 --> 0:06:03.279 was putting it away, and I was like an outfielder 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:07.400 for the Giants of the Padres, or the Diamondbacks or 0:06:07.400 --> 0:06:11.760 the Rockies, chasing a line drive hit by shoheo tani. 0:06:12.520 --> 0:06:16.279 And it turned out it was windy, and my instincts 0:06:16.360 --> 0:06:19.360 just kind of took over. I did the thing you 0:06:19.440 --> 0:06:21.359 can't do at the time. You can't do it. 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:26.960 What did I do? I lunged, I reached, which. 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:30.800 Would not have been a problem if I didn't give 0:06:30.880 --> 0:06:35.560 you my amazing athletic ability, where I actually succeeded. The 0:06:35.600 --> 0:06:38.960 cutlery began to drop, and I lunged, I reached, and 0:06:39.440 --> 0:06:43.000 I got what I was trying to reach for, and 0:06:43.040 --> 0:06:47.159 I then failed also, So I succeeded and failed. 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:50.760 At the same moment. What are you talking about. You 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:53.880 can't succeed. It failed the same ball, but it makes money. 0:06:55.320 --> 0:06:59.120 So I succeeded in the fact that I prevented the 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:04.160 newly wake silverware from crashing to the dirty floor. 0:07:05.480 --> 0:07:06.520 I was successful. 0:07:06.960 --> 0:07:12.560 I prevented that from happening, and in doing so, I 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:19.200 yet again sliced a large chunk of my thumb bloodshd 0:07:19.800 --> 0:07:23.040 in the kitchen two point zero or three point oh 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:30.280 a culinary crime scene CSI dishwashing unit. It has happened again. 0:07:30.320 --> 0:07:34.680 So this was not chopping onions. This is a whole 0:07:34.680 --> 0:07:38.880 different animal. So an injury tent moment, without the athletic 0:07:39.000 --> 0:07:43.000 trainer in sight, no blue medical pop up, no Bill 0:07:43.040 --> 0:07:47.800 Belichick looking nearby asking about my thumb injury designation. This 0:07:48.040 --> 0:07:51.080 was not the Michael Jordan flu game or the Kobe 0:07:51.080 --> 0:07:55.520 food poisoning game. There was no violin music in the background, 0:07:56.320 --> 0:08:00.840 just the gentle hum of the dishwasher, and that realization, 0:08:01.080 --> 0:08:05.760 as it's happening in slow motion, that I am now 0:08:06.000 --> 0:08:10.800 a three for three person when it comes to finger injuries, 0:08:11.360 --> 0:08:17.520 both thumbs and an index finger the finger triple crown. 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:21.560 Instead of twiddling my thumbs, I am now slicing my 0:08:21.680 --> 0:08:27.480 thumbs like deli meat at a bodega in Manhattan before 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:30.960 all the bodegas became weed shops. Back in the old days, 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:33.520 when I first went to New York, back on my day, 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:35.520 I went to Manhattan and visit my brother, and. 0:08:35.480 --> 0:08:37.319 I was like, oh my god, this is amazing. 0:08:37.480 --> 0:08:41.400 And there were bodegas with turkey sandwiches. Everywhere there was that, 0:08:41.480 --> 0:08:43.120 and they were in Times Square. There were a lot 0:08:43.120 --> 0:08:46.280 of peep shows, women dance and nudes, nudes, nudes and 0:08:46.320 --> 0:08:49.760 all that, and now not so much. All right, But 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:55.840 it turns out the hardest job in America is not 0:08:56.480 --> 0:09:03.080 quarterback in the NFL. It's it's not surgeon. It isn't 0:09:03.480 --> 0:09:07.200 college football coach dealing with boosters breathing down your neck, 0:09:07.440 --> 0:09:13.840 Nil divas and all that people with dragon breath trying 0:09:13.880 --> 0:09:17.400 to get more money. Now, it turns out that for me, 0:09:17.760 --> 0:09:23.480 performing simple household tasks while half asleep has got to 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:27.640 be the hardest job in America. 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:29.640 It's just got to be. 0:09:30.360 --> 0:09:35.600 So let me tell you something. Dishwashing, as it turns out, 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:39.360 is not that easy. And you're dealing with very sharp 0:09:39.440 --> 0:09:43.640 knives and forks that could stab your eye out and 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:47.199 all that stuff. I'm literally risking my life to put 0:09:47.240 --> 0:09:50.800 the knife and fork away. And so and this is 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:54.559 not the quiet, polite chore that the sitcoms back in 0:09:54.600 --> 0:09:57.560 the eighties and nineties made it out to be. In 0:09:57.600 --> 0:09:59.960 many ways, it's a combat sport. This is the ui 0:10:00.160 --> 0:10:04.400 See of domestic responsibility. And I'm a champion. Like you 0:10:04.440 --> 0:10:07.520 don't hear Joe Rogan screaming about it, but he should. 0:10:08.160 --> 0:10:11.320 He should have a little podcast. Oh my god, he's 0:10:11.360 --> 0:10:15.679 going for the spachela. He's got no regard for his hands, 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:20.400 no regard. That's how it felt. One wrong move and 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:24.000 your thumb looks like it went twelve rounds with a 0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:30.160 broken blender. Somewhere on the NFL injury list, there is 0:10:30.200 --> 0:10:33.520 a space waiting for me. Benny the dishwasher, right thumb 0:10:34.040 --> 0:10:42.800 listed as questionable day to day with stupidity capital s stupidity. 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:48.400 Now I have become a walking cautionary tail, a public 0:10:48.440 --> 0:10:51.439 service announcement. And I used to be the king of 0:10:51.480 --> 0:10:56.000 PSAs on the Overnight Show. But again, this job is 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:58.040 not as easy as it looks. And so it's a 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:01.320 reminder of another phrase that we use a lot. Sometimes 0:11:01.360 --> 0:11:05.480 the upper balcony is empty, and that's my way of 0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:10.240 saying that the mental gas tank was abandoned somewhere around 0:11:10.400 --> 0:11:13.559 three in the morning and after the final monologue about 0:11:13.600 --> 0:11:17.720 Pete Carroll or Lamar Jackson or some other sports owner 0:11:17.760 --> 0:11:22.640 writing checks with other people's money. And yet the world 0:11:22.760 --> 0:11:29.160 expects you to transition seamlessly from talk radio insomniac, just 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:34.840 a total lunatic, and to mourning homemaker, Penny the homemaker. 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:39.960 No stretching, no warm up, none of that, no wardrobe change, 0:11:40.120 --> 0:11:44.800 no rehab assignment in triple A. There's no graphic that 0:11:44.880 --> 0:11:50.000 flashes up coming up next. The morning chores sponsored by 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:53.760 Niasporren and the people that make band aids, Johnson and Johnson. 0:11:54.880 --> 0:12:00.640 That should happen. There should be a household combine the 0:12:00.679 --> 0:12:03.640 way the NFL does it. And we talked about this 0:12:03.679 --> 0:12:09.000 with the Olympics, the domestic Olympics or whatever, where you're 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:13.480 doing these household chores. Forget bench press. Can you scrub 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:17.960 a pan without having it drop? Can you transfer leftovers 0:12:17.960 --> 0:12:21.600 into tupperware without losing thirty percent to spillage? These are 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:24.240 serious problems you have to deal with. Can you unload 0:12:24.280 --> 0:12:28.240 a dishwasher without slicing a finger and inventing a new 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:31.440 curse word. That's the real test of a person. So 0:12:31.480 --> 0:12:34.360 give me a stop watch and I'll take whatever, and 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:39.280 I'll show you what an elite athlete is. I'm not 0:12:39.440 --> 0:12:42.360 just a gas bag, okay. And injuries are part of sports. 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:44.920 And you know it's like Jason Tatum got hurt for 0:12:44.960 --> 0:12:47.080 the Celtics. You're gonna bring him back next year. I 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:51.120 cut my fingers three different ways to Sunday, I'll be back. 0:12:51.600 --> 0:12:54.440 And it all comes back to one phrase, don't catch 0:12:54.520 --> 0:12:56.040 a falling knife. 0:12:56.679 --> 0:12:57.080 That's it. 0:12:57.120 --> 0:13:00.600 And I've used that hundreds of times to describe the 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:04.800 downward spiral of quarterbacks past their prime. 0:13:05.880 --> 0:13:07.960 The wide receiver that can't play anymore. 0:13:07.960 --> 0:13:11.760 The baseball pitchers lost three miles per hour and gained 0:13:11.880 --> 0:13:15.720 five pounds around the waist. The coach clinging to a 0:13:15.760 --> 0:13:20.280 playbook last updated in the year two thousand. Who's got 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:24.040 a young lady friend who wasn't even alive in the 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:30.160 year two thousand. It means don't overreact, okay, don't panic, 0:13:31.080 --> 0:13:33.960 don't try to intervene in something that's already going south. 0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:38.760 The phrase as we used it there, but in my 0:13:39.000 --> 0:13:45.480 kitchen that phrase became prophecy and I ignored it. I 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:48.720 don't catch a falling knife. Wall Street uses it, Washington 0:13:48.800 --> 0:13:51.520 uses it. We use it in sports radio. In my house, 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:55.920 the Malor Mansion, it became the medical file titled thumb 0:13:56.040 --> 0:14:00.720 Incident number three, right thumb Incident number three. 0:14:00.960 --> 0:14:01.880 And it has been. 0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:07.360 Said that doing radio is like shouting down an elevator 0:14:07.440 --> 0:14:12.240 shaft hoping someone hears you. You never know who's out there. 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:14.840 It could be the biggest audience the want. There could 0:14:14.840 --> 0:14:17.520 be like four people listening. You never know because it's 0:14:18.480 --> 0:14:20.200 it's not where you're in the same room. And I 0:14:20.240 --> 0:14:24.000 would add cleaning up the house after after doing the 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:25.760 radio shows, like tight roping. 0:14:26.560 --> 0:14:28.640 It's like you're tight roping across the Grand. 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:31.840 Canyon and you you've got the wrong socks on, and 0:14:31.960 --> 0:14:34.720 you got a plastic fork and you're balancing a stick. 0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:36.360 I don't know why you're balancing a stick, but you 0:14:36.360 --> 0:14:36.840 got a stick. 0:14:36.880 --> 0:14:39.240 That doesn't make a lot of sense if you're going 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:42.480 across the Grand Canyon and there's no applause, there's no trophy. 0:14:43.240 --> 0:14:45.880 There's bandages, and there's a lot of them. So here 0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:50.040 I am a man with I'm like Mordecai three fingers Brown. 0:14:50.040 --> 0:14:52.680 I got three finger injuries as a baseball joke. Three 0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:56.840 finger injuries, an empty upper balcony, and a respect for 0:14:56.920 --> 0:15:00.440 the amount of damage a knife, a falling knife can 0:15:00.480 --> 0:15:04.880 do at that velocity. And I am not twiddling my thumbs. 0:15:05.400 --> 0:15:08.840 I am protecting them like they're the last seconds on 0:15:08.920 --> 0:15:12.320 the game clock. And maybe that is the lesson in 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:16.320 all of this nonsense, that we're all one spoon drop 0:15:16.400 --> 0:15:20.240 away from humility. Doesn't matter if you host a radio 0:15:20.320 --> 0:15:25.880 show on six hundred radio stations or a backyard barbecue. 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:30.520 It doesn't matter whether you're paid to call football games 0:15:30.680 --> 0:15:37.280 or wash football shaped plates. Gravity is gonna get you, right, 0:15:37.360 --> 0:15:42.080 don't catch a falling knife, don't underestimate the silverware drawer, 0:15:42.200 --> 0:15:46.840 the transition of passing the silverware putting it in the drawer, 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:48.000 don't try to rush it. 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:51.160 Just don't do it. Do not do it. 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:54.400 And for the love of all that's holy, buy band 0:15:54.440 --> 0:15:55.240 aids in bulk. 0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:58.480 Go to Costco and buy a side of band aids. 0:15:58.480 --> 0:16:00.360 And I'll be back in the line up in the 0:16:00.400 --> 0:16:03.600 kitchen soon, probably for next week's chores. 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:09.040 Thumb be willing, and so then that's that. That's that. 0:16:09.400 --> 0:16:12.120 Now turning the page to what I call the Great 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:18.400 bag Shakedown. That's right, my friends, gather around. It's another 0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:23.000 story on the Fifth Hour podcast. Oh my god, yep, 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:26.080 another story. So let's talk about one of the great 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:30.560 nickel and dime hustles of our time. And no one 0:16:30.640 --> 0:16:33.640 has the balls to say no to it. A con 0:16:34.440 --> 0:16:39.280 so petty? How petty is it? So petty, so small minded, 0:16:39.400 --> 0:16:44.280 so proudly wrapped in bureaucratic smugness. You'd think it was 0:16:44.400 --> 0:16:49.960 crafted in a Sacramento think tank, powered by Kale smoothies 0:16:50.120 --> 0:16:54.920 and virtue virtue signaling emojis. If you know what I'm 0:16:54.960 --> 0:16:59.680 talking about I am discussing for a few minutes the 0:16:59.840 --> 0:17:04.200 ten cent single use bag fee in the People's Republic 0:17:04.240 --> 0:17:08.560 of California. It's ten cents, better known by its gangster name, 0:17:08.680 --> 0:17:11.959 a dime. Then let me preface this by saying this 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:14.280 is not new. This ten cent tax has been around 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:18.199 for a while. It's a coin that barely registers on 0:17:18.240 --> 0:17:22.479 the seismic scale of economics, and somehow has become the 0:17:22.560 --> 0:17:26.000 line in the sand between free people and the nickel 0:17:26.040 --> 0:17:31.320 and dimers who pretend they're saving the oceans one checkout 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:35.200 lane at a time. And I say this with every 0:17:35.320 --> 0:17:38.760 ounce of conviction. And this came up on the radio 0:17:38.800 --> 0:17:42.879 show I have left in my bagless hands. That is 0:17:42.880 --> 0:17:45.840 the conviction I have. I am not paying it. I'm 0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:47.880 not paying the bag fee. I'm not paying for it, 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:52.320 not now, not ever, Sam. I am why because, as 0:17:52.359 --> 0:17:54.600 I explained, this is not a Doctor Seuss book. But 0:17:54.680 --> 0:17:58.280 as I explained to Alf the alien ol Piner on 0:17:58.400 --> 0:18:01.920 the radio show this week, this is not about the dime. 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:03.560 It is about the principle. 0:18:04.520 --> 0:18:08.119 And he lives in a state where they also Nikolin Daimya, 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:12.200 it's about government that wants you to applaud while they 0:18:12.240 --> 0:18:17.760 reach into your pocket like a silent film pickpocket and 0:18:17.800 --> 0:18:20.440 a bowler's hat. And I want to paint the picture 0:18:20.440 --> 0:18:22.600 for you. So I carry my groceries out of the 0:18:22.600 --> 0:18:26.040 store with my own bear hands, Benny bare hands. Five 0:18:26.119 --> 0:18:29.159 items or forty six out ofs it doesn't matter, And 0:18:29.920 --> 0:18:33.760 I must look to people that don't know me, like 0:18:34.600 --> 0:18:38.400 a modern day Charlie Chaplin. If you know early Hollywood, 0:18:38.440 --> 0:18:42.600 the famous scene the pawn shop was the movie where 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:48.880 he's balancing drills, hammers, loose cables. It's the vaudevillian acrobat. 0:18:49.119 --> 0:18:52.480 Or there was the Steve Martin planes, trans and automobiles. 0:18:52.600 --> 0:18:55.480 Remember he was hauling luggage through the O'Hare airport in 0:18:55.520 --> 0:18:58.320 the winter and all of his hands. 0:18:57.960 --> 0:19:00.840 Were full and all that. Or you could go home alone. 0:19:00.880 --> 0:19:03.679 The mom Catherine O'Hara and home alone. 0:19:04.200 --> 0:19:07.199 Remember she was sprinting through the airport clutching all of 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:11.000 her bags, trying to trying to get everything there it 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:13.720 needed to be. And it's like me trying to escape 0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:17.760 a hostage situation. And listen, I'm gonna keep doing it. 0:19:18.359 --> 0:19:21.920 Why am I glutting for punishment? Probably so, probably so, 0:19:22.480 --> 0:19:25.399 But the main reason is because I refuse to give 0:19:25.560 --> 0:19:32.880 these plastic bag tax collectors a single red scent. I'm 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:37.239 not doing it. I'm sorry, not sorry, I'm not doing it. 0:19:37.680 --> 0:19:41.840 This is the California paradox. It is a beautiful state, 0:19:41.920 --> 0:19:47.040 amazing geography, oceans here, there, and everywhere. It's also a 0:19:47.080 --> 0:19:50.320 state that thinks that you're too stupid, those that live here, 0:19:50.840 --> 0:19:56.520 to handle your own shopping habits, yet just enlightened enough 0:19:56.640 --> 0:20:00.719 to be guilt tripped into paying for the privilege of 0:20:00.800 --> 0:20:04.160 carrying your own groceries out of the store. Now they 0:20:04.200 --> 0:20:08.840 call this environmental stewardship is what they call it. I 0:20:09.000 --> 0:20:13.600 call it government mandated perse snatching. They're literally pickpockets, is 0:20:13.640 --> 0:20:18.159 what they are. And it drives me nuts. And listen, 0:20:18.200 --> 0:20:22.280 if this were actually about the Earth, if this was 0:20:22.320 --> 0:20:26.040 about it, it's the what's the word I'm looking for here? 0:20:26.960 --> 0:20:29.000 I mean, think about human beings, the arrogance of it, 0:20:29.040 --> 0:20:32.880 the smugness of human beings. If this were actually about 0:20:33.040 --> 0:20:36.040 Mother Earth and it were truly about the oceans and 0:20:36.119 --> 0:20:41.040 the wildlife and reducing waste, well, then the cost would 0:20:41.080 --> 0:20:43.160 be built directly into the product. 0:20:43.640 --> 0:20:45.920 Wouldn't that be the case? Wouldn't that make sense? 0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:48.679 Well, well, just it's like when I go to a 0:20:48.720 --> 0:20:52.520 Mexican restaurant and I eat the chips and salsa and 0:20:52.600 --> 0:20:55.520 it's given complimentary. I go to an Italian restaurant and 0:20:55.520 --> 0:20:58.320 they put a loaf of bread, warm bread and butter 0:20:58.400 --> 0:21:02.360 on the table. I know, Oh, it's not free, it's 0:21:02.600 --> 0:21:05.359 baked into the price of the If I'm at a 0:21:05.400 --> 0:21:09.280 Mexican restaurant, the tacos or an Aian restaurant, the fetccini 0:21:09.359 --> 0:21:14.040 alfredo with the beautiful sauce and the little chicken pieces. 0:21:13.680 --> 0:21:16.120 In there and all that, so I know that going in. 0:21:17.200 --> 0:21:20.359 I know that going in, and yet here we are 0:21:20.840 --> 0:21:24.199 and it's like, no, no, no, it's a we're not 0:21:24.200 --> 0:21:25.160 gonna do it that way. 0:21:26.640 --> 0:21:30.640 Nope, not not gonna do it. Sorry, not sorry. Then 0:21:30.720 --> 0:21:32.920 why don't why don't you do it? Uh? 0:21:32.960 --> 0:21:42.400 Well, because it's quiet, efficient, invisible, like any real environmental 0:21:42.520 --> 0:21:43.960 form worth its carbon footprint. 0:21:43.960 --> 0:21:45.280 But that's not what California does. 0:21:45.440 --> 0:21:50.760 California insists on the public shaming business model. A ding 0:21:50.880 --> 0:21:54.960 ding ding ding ding to your dignity and your wallet, 0:21:55.080 --> 0:21:59.800 a scarlet letter, B for bagless if you decline, and 0:22:00.280 --> 0:22:03.159 a D for donor if you bend the knee and 0:22:03.280 --> 0:22:07.920 cough up that dime, and the dime isn't the goal. 0:22:09.080 --> 0:22:11.240 I know what's going on. It's the guilt trip, That's 0:22:11.240 --> 0:22:12.400 what it is. It's the guilt. 0:22:12.600 --> 0:22:15.159 And here's the I guess the punchline of all this, 0:22:15.320 --> 0:22:19.000 the plastic bag waste. They've had this for a little 0:22:19.040 --> 0:22:21.480 while now and they've done studies on it. 0:22:21.840 --> 0:22:24.440 You'd think, oh, this solved the problem. No it didn't. 0:22:24.440 --> 0:22:28.680 Plastic bag waste did not plummet. Studies across multiple cities 0:22:28.800 --> 0:22:31.479 around the around the United States where they have this 0:22:31.840 --> 0:22:36.280 have shown people simply bought more trash bags to replace 0:22:36.320 --> 0:22:41.160 the free ones they used to get. So, congratulations, California. 0:22:41.600 --> 0:22:46.679 You solved absolutely nothing. And you are charging your residence 0:22:47.240 --> 0:22:50.399 the people that pay your stupid salaries for the privilege 0:22:50.680 --> 0:22:53.840 of that. And that's the way things roll in the 0:22:53.880 --> 0:22:58.280 Golden State. The buocic what's the word I'm looking for, 0:22:58.280 --> 0:23:04.600 the bureaucracy that turns common sense into compost and bills 0:23:05.520 --> 0:23:08.040 bills you for the magic trick. And this is the 0:23:08.640 --> 0:23:10.359 I know I'm going on a rant here, but this 0:23:10.400 --> 0:23:15.919 is the kind of thinking that this relentless barrage of 0:23:16.080 --> 0:23:20.840 petty mandates that sends people sprinting out of California trying 0:23:20.840 --> 0:23:25.080 to get to Texas and Florida like they're fleeing Jurassic Park. 0:23:25.600 --> 0:23:27.240 You know, it's like, we got to get out of here. 0:23:27.520 --> 0:23:33.720 The stampedes of taxpayers galloping past the now leaving California side, 0:23:34.359 --> 0:23:40.080 while overhead the state government waves lovingly with one hand 0:23:40.080 --> 0:23:44.920 and reaches into the till with the other. And here's 0:23:44.960 --> 0:23:48.879 the part we really pound the desk over California politicians, 0:23:49.320 --> 0:23:54.080 these knuckleheads, these dingle bears, actually believe this is meaningful. 0:23:54.680 --> 0:23:58.960 They believe that charging you a dime at checkout is 0:23:59.000 --> 0:24:03.600 going to reverse the tides, cleanse the oceans, purify the skies, 0:24:03.720 --> 0:24:05.119 and maybe even fix. 0:24:04.880 --> 0:24:06.080 The clippers who hate each other. 0:24:06.560 --> 0:24:09.600 It is the environmental equivalent to putting a band aid 0:24:09.680 --> 0:24:15.560 on a volcanic eruption. It's the symbolism masquerading his policy. 0:24:16.400 --> 0:24:19.800 And you know, I'm annoyed by anyone in sports who 0:24:19.800 --> 0:24:22.320 does virtue signaling. And I pointed out all the time, well, 0:24:22.320 --> 0:24:27.160 also in this world, same thing. It's people who want 0:24:27.280 --> 0:24:31.560 credit for caring, not results. I really really care. And 0:24:31.600 --> 0:24:36.439 the bag fee is the government's version of the TSA 0:24:36.640 --> 0:24:41.159 making you take your shoes off. It doesn't actually solve 0:24:41.240 --> 0:24:44.840 the problem. But boy, boy, does it make the rule 0:24:44.880 --> 0:24:48.640 makers feel important? And now I can hear the critics 0:24:48.640 --> 0:24:49.159 warm it up? 0:24:49.200 --> 0:24:49.440 Right? 0:24:49.720 --> 0:24:54.480 Oh but Ben, it's just ten cents, And that, my friends, 0:24:54.760 --> 0:25:01.360 is the lullaby the ruling political dopes sing as they 0:25:01.640 --> 0:25:06.720 tuck your wallet into their backpack. It's boiling frog on one. 0:25:06.840 --> 0:25:10.240 It starts out with the dime. Well that's not working. 0:25:10.280 --> 0:25:13.399 Why don't we raise it to a quarter? Okay, that'll work. 0:25:14.000 --> 0:25:16.480 And now that doesn't work, how about fifty cents a bag? 0:25:16.520 --> 0:25:17.200 Do I get that? 0:25:17.640 --> 0:25:20.080 Then it becomes a fee, and then it's a it's 0:25:20.080 --> 0:25:23.879 a surcharge, and before long you're paying something called a 0:25:23.960 --> 0:25:29.479