WEBVTT - Comparing your Weight with your Partner’s ft. @alibonar 0:00:00.400 --> 0:00:04.520 I won't let my body out be outweigh everything that 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:07.920 I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change. 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:12.399 I'm learning a love who I am. I get I'm strong, 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:15.880 I feel free, I know who every part of me 0:00:16.520 --> 0:00:24.000 It's beautiful and I will always out Way if you 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:27.040 feel it with your hands in the air, She'll love 0:00:27.120 --> 0:00:29.840 to the boom I get there. Let's say, good day 0:00:29.920 --> 0:00:35.519 and time did you and die out Welcome back to 0:00:35.520 --> 0:00:39.080 out Way. We've got Ali Boonder back on Outweigh and 0:00:39.159 --> 0:00:41.520 it's just me today, me and Ali, of course. And 0:00:41.680 --> 0:00:44.440 I wanted to bring Ali back on because, as we know, 0:00:44.560 --> 0:00:48.520 she does such an amazing job sharing her journey through 0:00:48.680 --> 0:00:53.600 disordered eating on Instagram, which is really unique. But you 0:00:53.720 --> 0:00:57.160 also do a really amazing job of sharing how you 0:00:57.200 --> 0:01:00.120 do it while being in a relationship. So before we 0:01:00.160 --> 0:01:02.440 dive into that, I just want to say, it's been 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:08.240 so amazing to watch you publicly go from girl to 0:01:08.840 --> 0:01:11.880 woman over the last five years or so that I've 0:01:11.920 --> 0:01:15.360 known you and step into your power from business to 0:01:15.600 --> 0:01:20.080 food to honestly, just the energy of confidence that you 0:01:20.160 --> 0:01:24.119 give off. It's it's really amazing and it's been interesting 0:01:24.160 --> 0:01:27.920 to really watch from the beginning because you started sharing 0:01:28.040 --> 0:01:31.039 from your sticky place, from that place where most people 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:34.600 tuck away their problems. So to see you here and 0:01:34.640 --> 0:01:37.080 watch the journey is is kind of like a little 0:01:37.360 --> 0:01:40.160 novel on your Instagram that people can kind of go through. 0:01:40.560 --> 0:01:42.720 It is. Yeah, no, thank you so much. I really 0:01:42.760 --> 0:01:45.640 appreciate that it is. And there's sometimes you know, when 0:01:45.640 --> 0:01:47.520 you look back and I'm like, I kind of cringe, 0:01:47.560 --> 0:01:51.080 but I'm so glad that it's all there, because you know, 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:54.600 it really is. It's an evolution and it's been so interesting. 0:01:54.760 --> 0:01:57.640 You know. I've continued to share about food obviously because 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:00.120 it's my passion. I love it, you know, it's what 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:01.920 I do for a living. But at the same time, 0:02:01.920 --> 0:02:04.040 it's just from a different place and it's you know, 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:07.120 as I mentioned in last episode, it's not from this 0:02:07.200 --> 0:02:10.240 place of fear, but rather it's just a celebration of 0:02:10.400 --> 0:02:13.440 eating and the joy of food and you know, breaking 0:02:13.480 --> 0:02:16.280 bread with loved ones and it's not you know, this 0:02:16.639 --> 0:02:19.280 gluten free, you know, dairy free thing that I feel 0:02:19.320 --> 0:02:22.080 like I can only have because it's like clean and 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:25.120 you know, low calorie, and it's just a different energy 0:02:25.160 --> 0:02:27.600 around it. So that's awesome. That you've sort of picked 0:02:27.680 --> 0:02:29.519 up on that, because you know, I feel like a 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:32.280 completely different person and it's been a lot of evolution 0:02:32.280 --> 0:02:34.840 in a short amount of time. So I'm exhausted enough. 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:39.919 But also in a public way, when we hear Demi Levado, 0:02:40.000 --> 0:02:42.440 for example, I know she's, you know, not to make 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:46.079 a comparison between myself for you or Demi Levado, but 0:02:46.240 --> 0:02:48.760 it's like she talks about her past struggles and now 0:02:48.800 --> 0:02:53.639 she recounts stories that we never heard before, and even myself, 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:56.480 you know, just the timing of Instagram came in a 0:02:56.520 --> 0:02:58.799 time in my life where a lot of it was 0:02:58.840 --> 0:03:03.760 already figured out. But when you have gone through it, 0:03:03.919 --> 0:03:07.680 the emotional processing, taking us along for the ride, and 0:03:07.720 --> 0:03:11.800 now seeing you here, it's just incredible. I think it 0:03:11.840 --> 0:03:14.959 gives people hope. Is there anything that you would caution 0:03:15.440 --> 0:03:19.560 somebody from doing in terms of using Instagram to heal 0:03:19.840 --> 0:03:22.560 as somebody who did do it to heal. Were there 0:03:22.600 --> 0:03:26.760 any moments where showing up publicly wasn't the best thing 0:03:26.880 --> 0:03:29.520 for you? Yeah, that's an interesting question. I don't think 0:03:29.560 --> 0:03:32.000 I've ever been asked that before. I mean, you know, 0:03:32.080 --> 0:03:36.640 you're in a really vulnerable, delicate place, obviously, again, it 0:03:36.680 --> 0:03:39.360 can't speak for everyone, but I definitely was, you know, 0:03:39.440 --> 0:03:43.120 and sometimes things can really trigger you or set you 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:46.480 off that you know, maybe for someone that doesn't have 0:03:46.560 --> 0:03:49.080 issues with food, you know wouldn't be affected. And I 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:51.440 do get lots, not lots, but I've gotten a few 0:03:51.440 --> 0:03:54.880 messages from people saying, you know, hey, this this post 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:57.000 that you shared really triggered me. And you know, I 0:03:57.000 --> 0:03:59.080 know you've talked about this before and it's sort of 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:02.080 an interesting topic, but it's you know, really I say 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:04.960 this with love, but you know, that's actually a great 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:08.400 indicator that you know there's something there you need to 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:10.839 work on. And you know, if I were to hear 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:12.640 that in a place where I felt very triggered, I 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:16.080 would be you know, very reactive and defensive. And you know, 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:18.760 and obviously it's nuanced it. I never try to share 0:04:18.760 --> 0:04:22.120 anything that will intentionally trigger someone or you know, irritate 0:04:22.160 --> 0:04:24.880 them or cause them harm. But if you're getting triggered 0:04:24.920 --> 0:04:27.599 by you know, something that's sort of just me sharing 0:04:27.640 --> 0:04:30.479 my experience or you know, it's a good again, a 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:33.160 good check engine light for you to say, Okay, this 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:35.560 is something that you know, maybe I need to work 0:04:35.600 --> 0:04:37.719 on or I need to dig deeper with a therapist 0:04:37.760 --> 0:04:40.719 on because there were things for me during my healing 0:04:40.800 --> 0:04:44.640 journey where I was still following people that, in hindsight 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:47.440 were super disordered and I didn't see it at the time. 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:50.039 So I would say, you know, the only caution that 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:52.600 I would really give people is, you know, be really 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:56.400 cognizant of who you're following and the content that you're consuming, 0:04:56.520 --> 0:04:58.640 because I felt like there was this gray area in 0:04:58.640 --> 0:05:02.000 my recovery where I was still you know, a little disordered, 0:05:02.120 --> 0:05:05.520 but I was really trying hard to repair my relationship 0:05:05.520 --> 0:05:08.520 with food, and you know, follow accounts that were you know, 0:05:08.680 --> 0:05:11.720 body neutral and body positive and you know, talked about 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:14.680 food freedom counts like yours, you know, and so I 0:05:14.760 --> 0:05:18.000 was sort of getting fed two narratives, and I was 0:05:18.080 --> 0:05:20.720 just feeling very overwhelmed and confused, you know, because I'd 0:05:20.720 --> 0:05:22.600 be scrolling my feet and it would be you know, 0:05:22.720 --> 0:05:26.320 someone talking about counting you know, their car their net 0:05:26.360 --> 0:05:28.960 carbs and whatever, and then I would come across someone 0:05:29.000 --> 0:05:31.039 that's like, you know, eat all the carbs, and I 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:33.440 was just like, what do I do? You know? And 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:36.279 both women are you know, looking vibrant and healthy and 0:05:36.520 --> 0:05:38.599 in love with their bodies, and I just didn't know 0:05:38.640 --> 0:05:40.880 where I fit in, and I didn't know which one 0:05:41.040 --> 0:05:43.120 was like my people, you know, because you're trying to 0:05:43.200 --> 0:05:45.640 kind of fit yourself into a tribe. So I would 0:05:45.640 --> 0:05:48.280 say it can be very overwhelming and confusing. And so 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:50.800 I think a good tip that I wish I would 0:05:50.800 --> 0:05:53.440 have learned is, you know, taking time off social media 0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:56.520 during some of those moments. And you're really good at 0:05:56.560 --> 0:06:00.000 least about taking social media detoxes. I need to get 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:04.440 better at it, but sometimes, you know, your best evolution 0:06:04.480 --> 0:06:07.279 and your best growth happens offline. Actually most of it, 0:06:07.360 --> 0:06:10.360 I'm sure. And although I am proud that there were 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:12.960 moments where, you know, I remember doing a post after 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:16.400 I you know, really moments after I binged almost an 0:06:16.480 --> 0:06:18.840 entire jar of peanut butter, and I took a selfie 0:06:18.880 --> 0:06:20.760 and I was in my kitchen and I was feeling 0:06:20.839 --> 0:06:24.680 so just so much, so many a mix of feelings 0:06:24.680 --> 0:06:26.600 because it was a few, you know, maybe like a 0:06:26.680 --> 0:06:29.919 year nine months to a year into really my you know, 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:32.800 deep recovery journey, and I almost felt like, you know, 0:06:32.920 --> 0:06:35.400 I was past this, Like it was the first binge 0:06:35.400 --> 0:06:38.200 I had had in about nine months to a year 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:40.640 and I was really stressed with a business and I 0:06:40.680 --> 0:06:43.040 had a lot going on, and I just I mean, 0:06:43.080 --> 0:06:45.840 I snapped and I just binged, and I don't know 0:06:45.880 --> 0:06:48.440 what overcame me, but I had this feeling to just 0:06:48.560 --> 0:06:51.560 take a selfie of myself and post it immediately to 0:06:51.600 --> 0:06:54.280 my feed with just like really a brain dump of 0:06:54.279 --> 0:06:57.560 what I was feeling and thinking. And I've never received 0:06:57.600 --> 0:07:01.400 so many messages and you know and sweet just comments 0:07:01.440 --> 0:07:03.680 and you know, people reaching out to me and just 0:07:03.839 --> 0:07:07.640 number one, you know, just resonating and feeling have you know, 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:11.280 they've been there, but also just really acknowledging me for 0:07:11.600 --> 0:07:15.240 sharing in that moment, just so vulnerably because it's so 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:17.680 easy to look back, as you were saying, and talk 0:07:17.720 --> 0:07:19.800 about things that happened in the past. You know, it's 0:07:19.840 --> 0:07:24.720 so much easier, so much less uh less emotionally taxing. 0:07:24.800 --> 0:07:27.559 But at the same time, you know, I am proud 0:07:27.560 --> 0:07:29.760 of myself for doing that in the moment. But again 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:31.520 I think, yeah, if I were to give one tip, 0:07:31.560 --> 0:07:33.520 it would be, you know, don't try to do too 0:07:33.600 --> 0:07:36.080 much like because it's hard. It's a lot to process, 0:07:36.200 --> 0:07:38.320 you know, and then also to do that publicly it's 0:07:38.680 --> 0:07:41.480 even harder. So I would have told myself just you know, 0:07:41.680 --> 0:07:43.920 take a break when you need it and um, you know, 0:07:43.960 --> 0:07:47.080 give yourself time to just process those feelings and what 0:07:47.120 --> 0:07:48.800 you're going through. And I think you bring up a 0:07:48.840 --> 0:07:51.160 few points here that I just want to highlight. One 0:07:51.320 --> 0:07:53.920 that it's not linear. So you could go nine months 0:07:53.960 --> 0:07:55.880 without a binge and then you have a binge doesn't 0:07:55.920 --> 0:07:58.800 mean that you're back to square one. Number two is 0:07:58.880 --> 0:08:01.120 the time it takes. You know, we're talking about your recovery. 0:08:01.200 --> 0:08:03.600 Most people are probably thinking it's a snap of the finger, 0:08:03.680 --> 0:08:07.200 but you said nine months into your recovery, putting in 0:08:07.200 --> 0:08:10.240 that work. And then I think most of all, you've 0:08:10.280 --> 0:08:12.120 brought up in the last episode a few times that 0:08:12.160 --> 0:08:14.680 you were working with a professional or some sort of 0:08:14.720 --> 0:08:19.080 mental health or nutrition professional, which really highlights that Instagram 0:08:19.160 --> 0:08:22.520 wasn't your only way to heel and I think that's important. 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:25.120 And now that you're like a little bit farther along, 0:08:25.440 --> 0:08:27.160 I believe I don't know if you'd say that, but 0:08:27.400 --> 0:08:29.320 like I said in the beginning, you have an energy 0:08:29.360 --> 0:08:32.160 to you that is confident in many different areas of 0:08:32.160 --> 0:08:34.840 your life. You're fulfilled in different ways. It seems the 0:08:34.880 --> 0:08:37.840 one thing I would caution people from doing that I've 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:42.880 seen is sharing vulnerably for validation. You're you're probably five 0:08:42.960 --> 0:08:45.280 or six years younger than me, so we have different 0:08:45.320 --> 0:08:49.360 relationships to our stories and social media. But even like 0:08:49.440 --> 0:08:52.280 five or six below you, like the college girls or 0:08:52.280 --> 0:08:54.800 women right out of college, they grew up with social 0:08:54.840 --> 0:09:00.480 media so forefront and with vulnerability as a trend. I 0:09:00.600 --> 0:09:03.800 worry about the validation. So sharing something like your peanut 0:09:03.800 --> 0:09:07.079 butter post, which happened to really land with a lot 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:09.320 of people. They're gonna be some days where you post 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:12.600 something vulnerably and it's healing for you. But when you 0:09:12.640 --> 0:09:14.840 don't get the likes or the comment through the door, 0:09:15.360 --> 0:09:17.760 you know, are you like, oh my gosh, I shouldn't 0:09:17.760 --> 0:09:21.760 have shared that, because then the share wasn't for healing. Totally. Yeah, 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:24.480 I love that you brought that up because it's so true, 0:09:24.480 --> 0:09:28.720 and I almost feel like I've trained myself expecting that 0:09:28.800 --> 0:09:31.280 and it's been you know, it's scary even now when 0:09:31.360 --> 0:09:33.880 I share something and I feel like now I'm kind 0:09:33.880 --> 0:09:36.960 of sharing more like business entrepreneurs stuff, I don't really 0:09:37.240 --> 0:09:39.520 get sweaty before I post, you know, because I'm sharing 0:09:39.559 --> 0:09:42.440 something like really intense about my recovery like I used to, 0:09:42.600 --> 0:09:44.760 but I would get really nervous, and then it was 0:09:44.760 --> 0:09:48.600 almost like this calming effect of seeing the validation and 0:09:48.640 --> 0:09:51.319 the comments and the likes rolling in and people being like, oh, 0:09:51.400 --> 0:09:53.560 I see you girl. You know, oh I've been there, 0:09:53.679 --> 0:09:56.040 and it was like okay, like I neede the right decision, 0:09:56.320 --> 0:09:59.040 sort of just like confirming that, you know, again that 0:09:59.080 --> 0:10:01.040 pad on the back of Okay, what I did was 0:10:01.080 --> 0:10:04.079 the right move. You know, you're you know other people, 0:10:04.080 --> 0:10:06.040 and then there you're not weird because of course there's 0:10:06.040 --> 0:10:08.320 always that little like oh my gosh, like you know, 0:10:08.360 --> 0:10:10.000 I'm I going to be the only one who's done this, 0:10:10.000 --> 0:10:11.960 and people are gonna be like, well, that's weird, you know, 0:10:12.200 --> 0:10:14.960 which of course it isn't, because again, like we've all 0:10:15.000 --> 0:10:17.439 struggled with stuff like this. But at the same time, yeah, 0:10:17.480 --> 0:10:20.000 I think you're so right. There is that that negative 0:10:20.080 --> 0:10:24.000 or dark side to you know, vulnerability becoming a trend. 0:10:24.240 --> 0:10:26.640 But I would argue, you know, I don't mind it, 0:10:26.679 --> 0:10:29.079 even if there's people out there that you know, are 0:10:29.160 --> 0:10:32.040 doing it for the validation I suppose, you know, I 0:10:32.080 --> 0:10:35.439 think it's just the net is so positive and helpful 0:10:35.520 --> 0:10:38.000 for people Like if I was, you know, in high 0:10:38.040 --> 0:10:41.640 school or even starting college and I had the social 0:10:41.679 --> 0:10:45.160 media I guess community or network that I have today, 0:10:45.320 --> 0:10:47.360 I would have felt so much better about my body. 0:10:47.760 --> 0:10:51.120 And I will say the downside really is it's only 0:10:51.240 --> 0:10:53.559 on you, right, So if you're sharing something and you're 0:10:53.600 --> 0:10:56.400 being vulnerable for the sake of validation, you know, it's 0:10:56.400 --> 0:10:59.880 really only harming I guess you. But to other people, 0:11:00.040 --> 0:11:02.520 they see that vulnerability and you're like, wow, you know, 0:11:03.040 --> 0:11:05.360 I didn't like if I especially if I see celebrity, 0:11:05.400 --> 0:11:07.960 someone who in the public eye seems very you know, 0:11:08.000 --> 0:11:10.240 like they have their ship together and they share something. 0:11:10.480 --> 0:11:12.880 You know, even if I read that now, I'm like, okay, cool, 0:11:12.960 --> 0:11:14.520 you know, it's like stars are just like us. Like 0:11:14.559 --> 0:11:16.400 it kind of makes me feel better in a weird way. 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:18.920 So yeah, I see both sides, but I think overall, 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:20.959 I think it could be a positive thing too for 0:11:21.280 --> 0:11:24.960 younger women. I love that. So Eric is your boyfriend, 0:11:25.080 --> 0:11:30.600 your co founder, your roommate, slam Daddy. You're slam Daddy 0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:34.439 really everything, and he has been by your side through 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:37.760 this journey. The other day, you posted something that was 0:11:37.840 --> 0:11:41.600 not something I actually have ever experienced, but It made 0:11:41.640 --> 0:11:45.960 me really think, and you shared that you learned that 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:50.360 your significant other, Eric was only seven pounds heavier than 0:11:50.400 --> 0:11:53.680 you are. Tell us about that story and what it 0:11:53.720 --> 0:11:56.240 did for you and how you handled it. Yeah, yeah, 0:11:56.320 --> 0:11:58.400 so this was I would say, there's moments in your 0:11:58.440 --> 0:12:01.839 recovery that kind of shake you to your core and 0:12:02.000 --> 0:12:07.319 challenge everything that you know you have worked hard towards. 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:09.520 This was definitely one of those times. The other one 0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:11.200 was when COVID was happening and I felt like the 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:14.200 world was crumbling around me and I started grasping for 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:17.040 control and food. But that's a story from that. But yes, 0:12:17.240 --> 0:12:20.240 this happened. So you know, I started working with a 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:23.920 personal trainer recently because, you know, working in the kitchen, 0:12:24.080 --> 0:12:27.040 contrary to what a lot of people probably assume, it's 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:30.120 not just rainbows and daisies and making fun granola all day. 0:12:30.320 --> 0:12:33.199 It's a lot of heavy lifting and oats and flax 0:12:33.240 --> 0:12:36.280 and you know, heavy bags. And luckily, now you know, 0:12:36.360 --> 0:12:38.480 we've built our team, so I don't have to do 0:12:38.559 --> 0:12:41.000 that anymore. But at the beginning, when we first moved 0:12:41.040 --> 0:12:43.800 to Philly, you know, February March, it was a lot 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:46.559 and I was exhausted, and you know, I felt really weak, 0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:49.280 and I'm you know, I was the only woman in there. 0:12:49.360 --> 0:12:51.760 I really wanted to like pull my weight, so to speak. 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:53.280 So I was like, you know, I'm going to hire 0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:55.480 a personal trainer, see her a couple of days a week, 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:57.320 see how it goes. See if I can get you know, 0:12:57.400 --> 0:12:59.719 build some biceps on these SpongeBob arms. And so the 0:12:59.800 --> 0:13:03.000 first appointment with her, you know, she sort of takes 0:13:03.040 --> 0:13:06.400 your beginning measurements, which at first, you know, I kind 0:13:06.440 --> 0:13:08.760 of was like I shouldn't. I shouldn't do this right, 0:13:08.800 --> 0:13:10.720 like it could be triggering for me. But I was like, 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:12.760 you know, I just met her, didn't really want to 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:15.680 you know, rock the boat. And so I'm like, okay, fine, 0:13:15.840 --> 0:13:18.600 And then I was like, again, I shouldn't look at 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:20.839 the number. I shouldn't look the number. But I really 0:13:20.840 --> 0:13:23.200 have gotten to a place where and I've talked about 0:13:23.200 --> 0:13:26.200 this before, you know, scale neutrality, and again this is 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:29.160 I feel like, sort of a hot topic where not 0:13:29.280 --> 0:13:32.160 everyone you know can agree on this, but I really, 0:13:32.280 --> 0:13:34.400 you know, I got to this place in my recovery 0:13:34.400 --> 0:13:35.679 where I was like, you know, I don't want to 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:39.679 feel like I'm chained or you know, like the scale 0:13:39.720 --> 0:13:41.360 owns me, Like I want to get to this place 0:13:41.360 --> 0:13:45.160 where I can read the number and feel emotionally neutral, right, 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:46.599 Like I want to get to this place where it 0:13:46.679 --> 0:13:49.080 doesn't ruin my entire day, sort of like if someone 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:51.040 has a fear of spiders, you know, and it's like 0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:54.319 exposure therapy. So there was a point in my recovery, 0:13:54.520 --> 0:13:56.920 you know, where I was weighing myself and it helped 0:13:56.960 --> 0:13:59.480 a lot, you know, contrary to what a lot of 0:13:59.480 --> 0:14:01.920 people believe, it did help me a lot because I 0:14:01.960 --> 0:14:04.560 was like, wow, you know, I saw the number fluctuated 0:14:04.640 --> 0:14:06.960 up and down depending on my cycle, depending on how 0:14:07.040 --> 0:14:10.199 much water I drank, and it became less and less significant. 0:14:10.240 --> 0:14:13.400 It didn't become this big, scary number, and it finally 0:14:13.400 --> 0:14:16.439 became you know, like it was just my height. It 0:14:16.480 --> 0:14:19.080 was just you know, my shoe s eye something about me. 0:14:19.360 --> 0:14:21.920 And I know that it's probably you know, not for everyone, 0:14:22.040 --> 0:14:25.080 and it depends where you are in your recovery. But then, 0:14:25.280 --> 0:14:26.880 you know, a lot of time passed where I just 0:14:27.320 --> 0:14:30.080 became indifferent to weighing myself because it didn't make a difference, 0:14:30.400 --> 0:14:32.480 you know, my worth or who I am, and I 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:34.360 just kind of forgot about it, honestly, that I had 0:14:34.360 --> 0:14:37.280 a scale. So long story short, you know, the trainer 0:14:37.320 --> 0:14:40.360 weighs me and Eric mentioned something when we got home, 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:43.400 and I'm not gonna, you know, obviously say numbers for anyone, 0:14:43.480 --> 0:14:46.240 but he was like, oh, wow, you know I've lost 0:14:46.240 --> 0:14:48.960 weight recently, you know, I weigh X. And then I 0:14:49.000 --> 0:14:52.120 was like, I'm like, wait, say did you just say 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:55.000 a type of like come again? And it was only 0:14:55.000 --> 0:14:57.560 seven pounds more than me. And to give you guys context, 0:14:57.800 --> 0:15:00.880 Eric is probably six to I don't know, six two 0:15:00.960 --> 0:15:02.800 or sixth three. He kind of slouches so and I'm 0:15:02.840 --> 0:15:06.280 like five four, so you know, a pretty big height difference. 0:15:06.520 --> 0:15:09.920 And he's always been very like long and lanky, you know, 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:11.720 and so it was not not really a surprise, but 0:15:11.760 --> 0:15:14.360 I guess just hearing that number it just really rocked me. 0:15:14.440 --> 0:15:16.880 And so I decided to talk about it because I 0:15:16.920 --> 0:15:20.280 recently had someone on my podcast, Kayla Nielsen, who you know, 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:23.360 she's lesbian. She's dating or actually just engaged to a woman, 0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:26.520 and that's really common. She was telling me in the 0:15:26.640 --> 0:15:30.400 LGBT community, where you know, comparing your body to your 0:15:30.400 --> 0:15:33.520 partner's body because it's two women right, it's like comparing 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:35.960 you know, when you have two sisters or twins, and 0:15:36.000 --> 0:15:38.360 it's very common. And that was something I had never 0:15:38.360 --> 0:15:41.000 thought of as a straight woman. So that was really interesting. 0:15:41.000 --> 0:15:43.320 It started getting me thinking about it. But then also 0:15:43.440 --> 0:15:46.080 just this you know notion and sort of this you know, 0:15:46.120 --> 0:15:49.840 societal norm of having your partner, your you know, your husband, 0:15:49.880 --> 0:15:54.520 your male slam daddy be much bigger and stronger and 0:15:54.600 --> 0:15:56.080 you know, way more than you. And as the woman, 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:59.400 you're supposed to be small and petite and you know, palatable, 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:02.320 and it just yeah, I just really got me thinking, 0:16:02.400 --> 0:16:04.880 and so I want to talk about it, and um, 0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:07.240 you know, I'm not gonna lie. It's still was something 0:16:07.280 --> 0:16:09.040 that affected me. And again it was one of those 0:16:09.080 --> 0:16:11.240 moments that it rocked me and I was kind of 0:16:11.240 --> 0:16:13.720 like got it. Just it made me check myself and 0:16:13.760 --> 0:16:15.880 it really made me. I mean immediately I had those 0:16:15.880 --> 0:16:18.960 thoughts of like, wow, you know, I really let myself go. 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:21.200 You know, I need to start cleaning up my diet. 0:16:21.240 --> 0:16:23.840 Like all of those old thoughts patterns were just sort 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:26.600 of you know, re emerging. And luckily, because of the 0:16:26.680 --> 0:16:29.400 years of you know, just self work and working with professionals, 0:16:29.800 --> 0:16:32.400 I you know, have the opportunity to really hear those 0:16:32.440 --> 0:16:35.360 thoughts and just hear them for what they are, their thoughts. 0:16:35.400 --> 0:16:37.200 They're not the truth. And then I was able to 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:39.920 separate myself from them and be like, Okay, I can 0:16:40.000 --> 0:16:42.120 choose to follow these thoughts, but I know where it's 0:16:42.120 --> 0:16:43.760 going to lead me. It's going to lead me into 0:16:43.760 --> 0:16:46.480 a downward spiral. It's going to lead me into disordered 0:16:46.520 --> 0:16:48.640 patterns and just a place where I've been before and 0:16:48.680 --> 0:16:50.560 I don't want to go back to. So I'm going 0:16:50.640 --> 0:16:53.280 to choose to follow other thoughts, you know, thoughts where 0:16:53.680 --> 0:16:56.360 my weight doesn't determine my worth. I am lovable exactly 0:16:56.480 --> 0:16:59.600 how I am. Who says that that Eric? You know, 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:02.960 it's not okay if Eric weighs the same as me, 0:17:03.080 --> 0:17:04.960 or if I weigh more than Eric. Um. And when 0:17:04.960 --> 0:17:06.480 I talked about it, I had a lot of women 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:09.919 commenting that were like, wow, you know, thank you, Like 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:12.280 I actually weigh more than my husband or my partner. 0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:14.520 And I felt very shameful about it for a really 0:17:14.520 --> 0:17:16.440 long time. So yeah, that's kind of just I mean 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:18.800 what I want to say about that, But it was just, yeah, 0:17:18.800 --> 0:17:20.760 something I was on my mind, and something that I 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:24.199 guess I didn't really realize was still you know, some 0:17:24.320 --> 0:17:26.440 stuff that was coming up for me. I just think 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:29.960 it was so so interesting and working with people over 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:34.080 the years, there's always this comparison with the partner thing 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:37.960 that comes up, whether the partner eats more or eats less. 0:17:38.040 --> 0:17:40.159 You know, that's a big one too. Have has that 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:42.879 come up for you? Oh yeah, oh my god, I 0:17:42.880 --> 0:17:47.280 mean so yes, Like historically, it's always been something that 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:49.919 I've had to work on. I mean, for example, the 0:17:49.960 --> 0:17:52.399 first trip that Eric and I went on together when 0:17:52.480 --> 0:17:55.359 we first started dating, we went to Paris, City of Food, 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:59.760 and you know, I eat every few hours honestly, and 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:02.200 he's the type of guy that you know, talk about 0:18:02.240 --> 0:18:04.679 people who forget to eat. Like even we're at the 0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:07.240 office now and he's like, oh, it's four or forty five, 0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:09.840 you know, haven't had lunch yet, and I'm like really, 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:12.000 I'm like about I'm ready for dinner. I've already had 0:18:12.080 --> 0:18:14.119 multiple meals. But we were on our first you know, 0:18:14.560 --> 0:18:17.320 the occasion together, and I remember just feeling so faint 0:18:17.760 --> 0:18:21.600 because I would I felt so insecure about how much 0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:23.760 more frequently I was eating than him because we had 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:25.720 just started dating. You know, we weren't comfortable with each 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:27.879 other yet, and so I was like and he just 0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:31.280 you know, kept on chugging along, didn't say anything about 0:18:31.320 --> 0:18:33.720 wanting to get food, which just goes to show again 0:18:33.800 --> 0:18:36.119 just my fear of eating in front of other people 0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:39.919 and just being afraid to to share my needs, my 0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:43.119 inherentce like human needs. You know. It's like saying that 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:45.040 you're afraid to go to the bathroom, like I was 0:18:45.080 --> 0:18:46.639 afraid to be like, hey, you know, you don't want 0:18:46.640 --> 0:18:48.320 to grab something to eat, I'm getting a little hungry, 0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:50.560 Like that would have been terrifying for me. So rather, 0:18:50.840 --> 0:18:54.840 I just discarded my you know, primal instincts and my 0:18:55.760 --> 0:18:58.680 hunger signals and I just tried to chug on through 0:18:58.720 --> 0:19:01.439 like him and work. You know, in Paris, you're walking 0:19:01.520 --> 0:19:04.359 all over the place. We were sightseeing and burnt, you know, 0:19:04.640 --> 0:19:07.280 expending a lot of energy. And then you know, I 0:19:07.359 --> 0:19:10.320 just got really itchy, bitchy and twitchy, like I say, 0:19:10.359 --> 0:19:13.359 and I snapped at him for something and he was like, 0:19:13.400 --> 0:19:15.840 are you okay? And I was like, I'm just so hungry, 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:17.880 like you know, and of course it's like ship hit 0:19:17.880 --> 0:19:19.960 the fan because I didn't say anything and I was like, 0:19:19.960 --> 0:19:22.119 I can't believe you're not hungry, Like it's been you know, 0:19:22.119 --> 0:19:23.959