WEBVTT - 10 Steps on How To Set Boundaries Without Offending People 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:04.399 We live in a world where everyone has a different context, 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:08.360 has a different background, has a different walk of life, 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:10.720 and because of that, we have to be open to 0:00:10.760 --> 0:00:14.440 the idea that people behave in ways that we will 0:00:14.520 --> 0:00:19.080 never understand, never condone, and never choose to act ourselves. 0:00:19.440 --> 0:00:23.040 The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sety Jay 0:00:23.079 --> 0:00:30.320 set Us Only Set. Hey. Everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose, 0:00:30.400 --> 0:00:34.559 the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. 0:00:35.000 --> 0:00:40.720 Today's episode is all about how to set boundaries without 0:00:40.840 --> 0:00:44.360 offending people? Is that even possible? I'm going to be 0:00:44.479 --> 0:00:48.000 talking about it in this episode. And if you're someone 0:00:48.040 --> 0:00:53.640 who feels taken advantage of, either personally or professionally, maybe 0:00:53.680 --> 0:00:56.080 it's in your family and friends circle, or maybe it's 0:00:56.120 --> 0:01:00.680 at work, this episode is for you. You feel you're 0:01:00.680 --> 0:01:05.080 a people pleaser and you struggle with saying no. All 0:01:05.120 --> 0:01:08.119 you're ever doing is saying yes, sure, I'll do it. 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:11.520 I'm in and in your heart and mind you're thinking 0:01:11.520 --> 0:01:15.600 to yourself, how am I going to keep up with this? 0:01:15.600 --> 0:01:19.399 This episode is for you if you're someone who over commits, 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:22.840 if you're someone who has no time left for yourself 0:01:23.120 --> 0:01:27.440 because you're spending it all on everyone else. This episode 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:32.600 is for you. Now, Let's be honest. Boundaries are tough 0:01:32.640 --> 0:01:36.520 to set, especially with people you love, especially with people 0:01:36.560 --> 0:01:39.880 you close to. Right, We've been raised to want to 0:01:39.880 --> 0:01:43.480 be good people, and in our head, the definition of 0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:47.039 being a good person is someone who never says no, 0:01:47.880 --> 0:01:53.120 someone who always says yes, someone who's always available, someone 0:01:53.160 --> 0:01:57.320 who everyone goes thanks for always being around, Thanks for 0:01:57.360 --> 0:02:01.200 being so consistent, thank you for all always being there. 0:02:01.880 --> 0:02:05.440 So our definition of what it means to be a 0:02:05.480 --> 0:02:09.800 good person is someone with no boundaries. I want you 0:02:09.840 --> 0:02:13.360 to really let that settle. I'm starting straight in right like, 0:02:13.400 --> 0:02:16.200 I want you to think about that. Our definition of 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:20.280 what a good human being is is someone who doesn't 0:02:20.280 --> 0:02:24.520 have boundaries. Because you want someone to say to you, 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:26.880 thank you so much for always being around. You want 0:02:26.919 --> 0:02:30.040 to be that person that everyone likes, that everyone says, oh, 0:02:30.080 --> 0:02:32.880 you know so and so they're so helpful. We want 0:02:32.919 --> 0:02:39.440 to be liked. We want to be considered significant, important, nice, kind. 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:45.680 But in order to get that validation, we often break 0:02:45.760 --> 0:02:52.680 promises to ourselves. So our definition of what it means 0:02:52.720 --> 0:02:57.280 to be a good, healthy human needs to change at 0:02:57.320 --> 0:03:00.960 the core, because if it doesn't change, we end up 0:03:00.960 --> 0:03:03.959 thinking that now we're a bad human Right, Maybe you've 0:03:04.000 --> 0:03:07.440 even played around with boundaries. Maybe you've even tried to 0:03:07.480 --> 0:03:10.359 set boundaries. Then when you did it, it didn't feel good, right, 0:03:10.440 --> 0:03:14.079 It felt so uncomfortable, it felt so not like you. 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:17.040 And whenever it didn't feel like you, you then went 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:19.720 back on it. You let it go because it felt 0:03:19.760 --> 0:03:25.240 so awkward, uncomfortable, difficult to maintain a boundary. Maybe when 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:27.360 you've tried to set a boundary in the past, someone 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:31.960 put pressure on you, someone tried to break your boundary. 0:03:32.960 --> 0:03:36.720 So this episode's dedicated to us figuring out how we 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:40.680 can set better boundaries, how do we communicate those boundaries, 0:03:41.160 --> 0:03:45.000 and how do we hopefully not offend people in the process. Now, 0:03:45.920 --> 0:03:48.360 the first thing I'd like to do is, I'd like 0:03:48.480 --> 0:03:52.280 to redefine boundaries, just as we talked about redefining what 0:03:52.360 --> 0:03:55.920 it means to be a good human being, right, Like 0:03:56.040 --> 0:03:58.840 we do believe that a good human being knows how 0:03:58.840 --> 0:04:03.280 to invest in themselves, a healthy human being knows how 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:08.160 to have parameters, knows how to navigate awkward, uncomfortable conversations. 0:04:08.200 --> 0:04:11.320 That's what we'd aspire to be like. But we also 0:04:11.320 --> 0:04:15.080 have to redefine what boundaries are. Listen to this carefully. 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:22.000 Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what 0:04:22.040 --> 0:04:26.760 we want or don't want from others. Let me say 0:04:26.800 --> 0:04:31.560 that again. Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, 0:04:32.360 --> 0:04:36.919 not what we want or don't want from others. So 0:04:37.080 --> 0:04:40.840 many times when people are speaking about boundaries, what they're 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:45.160 really doing is setting rules that they want others to 0:04:45.200 --> 0:04:49.120 live by. They're setting a list of to dos for 0:04:49.360 --> 0:04:53.680 others to follow. They're setting a list of don't for 0:04:53.920 --> 0:04:59.680 others to stand by. This is a recipe for failure. 0:05:00.480 --> 0:05:08.200 If your boundary is about controlling someone else's actions or hoping, wishing, wanting, 0:05:08.400 --> 0:05:14.920 waiting for them to do something differently, that is pretty 0:05:14.960 --> 0:05:18.360 near impossible. The reason I say that is so many 0:05:18.400 --> 0:05:21.600 of us are setting boundaries that are like, next time 0:05:21.640 --> 0:05:24.160 this happens, can you please not do this? Next time 0:05:24.200 --> 0:05:27.960 this happens, can you not do this now? I'm not 0:05:28.040 --> 0:05:31.320 saying that we shouldn't try that. I'm just saying that 0:05:31.320 --> 0:05:34.000 that doesn't really set a boundary, because that's trying to 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:38.120 set a boundary to protect you from someone else, and 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:43.280 actually a true boundary is protecting you from yourself. Let 0:05:43.279 --> 0:05:47.200 me say that again. We think boundaries are about protecting 0:05:47.320 --> 0:05:52.560 us from other people, but boundaries are actually about protecting 0:05:52.600 --> 0:05:59.920 ourselves from ourselves. We can't control anyone else's actions, can 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:05.159 control our own. Boundaries are to protect yourself from your 0:06:05.279 --> 0:06:10.200 own triggers, not stop someone else from behaving a certain way, 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:14.280 because you can't guarantee that. So let me give you 0:06:14.320 --> 0:06:18.760 an example of a boundary that may fail. I'm going 0:06:18.839 --> 0:06:22.840 to tell my friends to not invite me out after 0:06:22.960 --> 0:06:27.600 eight pm. Now I may say that, but here's what 0:06:27.640 --> 0:06:31.719 will likely happen. Maybe they'll forget and they'll invite me anyway. 0:06:32.600 --> 0:06:35.840 Maybe they'll go out one day at seven forty five, 0:06:35.960 --> 0:06:38.159 not invite me, and then I'll fill some fomo and 0:06:38.200 --> 0:06:41.400 feel well. I wish they invite me, I said eight not. 0:06:41.600 --> 0:06:46.160 You know right. It gets messy. But a healthy boundary 0:06:46.240 --> 0:06:50.279 is this. For example, if I get invited out on 0:06:50.360 --> 0:06:55.719 a weekday after eight pm, I'll decline. You're protecting yourself. 0:06:55.760 --> 0:06:59.520 You're setting yourself up for something you can control, something 0:06:59.560 --> 0:07:03.599 you're in charge of. If my friends asked me to 0:07:03.680 --> 0:07:07.159 drink on a night out, I'll choose something non alcoholic. 0:07:07.640 --> 0:07:10.240 Now I've been in that place when I transitioned from 0:07:10.320 --> 0:07:14.600 drinking alcohol to not drinking alcohol. I remember struggling to 0:07:14.640 --> 0:07:17.640 tell my friends about my change. I did it fairly young, 0:07:17.720 --> 0:07:20.320 and so I was scared about how I'd be perceived. 0:07:20.400 --> 0:07:23.080 I thought I'd be seen as someone who didn't fit 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:26.320 in or someone who is different now, and so it 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:29.320 was really hard for me to tell them that. And 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:34.160 what I realized was if I set a boundary for them, 0:07:35.400 --> 0:07:38.760 they may forget, or they may not forget. Maybe they're 0:07:38.840 --> 0:07:40.920 drunk when they're asking me to have a drink, so 0:07:41.200 --> 0:07:43.960 they're not in their right state of mind. Right, It's 0:07:43.960 --> 0:07:46.240 not always going to be clear cut, but I need 0:07:46.240 --> 0:07:49.560 to set boundaries for myself. I remember when I made 0:07:49.600 --> 0:07:52.120 that transition. I started saying to a lot of my friends, Hey, like, 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:55.800 I'd love to go hang out in a restaurant, let's 0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:58.680 avoid a club or a bar or whatever it may be. 0:07:59.200 --> 0:08:02.120 That was a boundary I was setting that That's how 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:06.040 I spend my time. So these are all if this, 0:08:06.800 --> 0:08:11.520 then that scenarios? What are your if scenarios? Right? If 0:08:11.560 --> 0:08:14.200 I get invited out on a weekday, if my friends 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:17.840 ask me to drink, if this happens, then that, what 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:22.840 are your if scenarios that you find are leading to behaviors, 0:08:23.680 --> 0:08:27.960 are leading to behaviors that break boundaries that you're trying 0:08:28.000 --> 0:08:31.360 to set. Maybe you're trying to follow a certain diet, 0:08:31.440 --> 0:08:34.959 Maybe you're trying to follow a certain workout. Maybe you're 0:08:35.120 --> 0:08:38.080 in a state right now where you're trying to choose 0:08:38.120 --> 0:08:40.840 going out instead of staying in, or staying in instead 0:08:40.880 --> 0:08:45.320 of going out. What are your if scenarios and what 0:08:45.480 --> 0:08:49.840 is your solution if this, then that this is a 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:52.640 great rule to make for your mind, so that your 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:56.280 mind doesn't have to look at every situation as unique 0:08:56.360 --> 0:08:59.480 and different. So often, if we just play it case 0:08:59.559 --> 0:09:02.520 by k and we don't set these rules for ourselves, 0:09:02.880 --> 0:09:08.120 we end up falling at the first hurdle. Now, the 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:12.439 second thing I want to say is sorry, I can't 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:16.560 make it. Won't be possible for me this time. I 0:09:16.600 --> 0:09:23.040 have another commitment. These three are perfect sentences. They're all 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:28.200 fully okay to communicate. What we often do when we're 0:09:28.200 --> 0:09:31.880 trying to communicate our boundaries is we often over explain 0:09:32.400 --> 0:09:37.080 and overcompensate, thinking it helps, but often it opens a 0:09:37.120 --> 0:09:39.880 can of worms. Now, if you know someone really, really well, 0:09:40.360 --> 0:09:42.960 and you have a priority in your life, you should 0:09:43.000 --> 0:09:46.719 communicate that priority. I, Hey, you know what, from now on, 0:09:46.800 --> 0:09:48.960 I'm not really trying to go out after eight pm 0:09:49.040 --> 0:09:51.280 or weekdays, I'm trying to get in early night. I'm 0:09:51.280 --> 0:09:53.760 trying to make sure that I get that sleep. I 0:09:53.840 --> 0:09:56.080 just wanted you to know that because I didn't want 0:09:56.120 --> 0:09:57.959 you to think I was a messaging you. Right, that's 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:02.520 a great, great thing to say, But often what we 0:10:02.600 --> 0:10:06.640 do is we try and over explain and overcompensate for everything. 0:10:07.200 --> 0:10:09.360 So when instead of saying sorry, I can't make it, 0:10:09.400 --> 0:10:11.880 we do one or two things. We don't say anything 0:10:12.320 --> 0:10:15.559 up until the last minute, where we then say sorry 0:10:15.600 --> 0:10:19.439 I can't make it and we feel terrible, or we 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:25.120 send a long winded explanation trying to justify a choice. Now, 0:10:25.160 --> 0:10:30.720 there's a difference between justifying your choice to yourself and 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:36.040 communicating outwardly to someone else. Most of us are still 0:10:36.080 --> 0:10:39.760 trying to convince ourselves of our boundary, so we end 0:10:39.840 --> 0:10:42.839 up sending a message that sounds like something you should 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:46.720 say to yourself and your head, that doesn't communicate effectively 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:49.520 to someone out there. Right, have you ever done that before? 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:52.320 Where Like, for example, I'm just keep taking the same 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:55.640 example because it's something I started with, but it's like 0:10:55.720 --> 0:10:58.920 I start saying, you know, I've realized that when I 0:10:59.040 --> 0:11:01.520 go out on a weekday, I feel like I don't 0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:03.400 get good enough sleep, I feel like I don't work out. 0:11:03.440 --> 0:11:05.120 The next day, I find like I end up eating 0:11:05.200 --> 0:11:07.440 things that aren't healthy for me, and so I've realized 0:11:07.440 --> 0:11:09.720 that I need to stay in. Now that's your own 0:11:09.760 --> 0:11:12.760 thought process, and that may or may not be useful 0:11:12.800 --> 0:11:15.680 to someone else. Them knowing that you can't make it 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:18.960 won't work out this time, it's probably enough. If they're 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:22.440 a close friend, you may tell them about your principle. 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:27.079 But sometimes what we end up saying sounds like we're preaching. 0:11:27.160 --> 0:11:30.160 It sounds like we're saying an opinion of what we believe. 0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:33.200 And now that person's thinking, yeah, I get that, but 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:35.640 I actually love going out or whatever. It may be right, 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:40.360 and it triggers a whole conversation, and it often triggers 0:11:40.360 --> 0:11:42.280 something in them as well, where it sounds like you're 0:11:42.320 --> 0:11:43.640 saying something and then you're like, oh, no, no, I 0:11:43.679 --> 0:11:45.280 didn't mean it to you. I just want this for me, 0:11:45.400 --> 0:11:49.600 and then it goes on and on and on. Hey everyone, 0:11:49.640 --> 0:11:52.160 it's Jay here. My wife and I have had so 0:11:52.320 --> 0:11:56.079 much fun creating our own sparkling tea Juni, and I've 0:11:56.080 --> 0:11:58.720 got big news for you. It's at Target and we 0:11:58.920 --> 0:12:01.960 love your support. If you can go out grab a Juny, 0:12:02.440 --> 0:12:05.880 You'll be adding adaptagens and new tropics into your life 0:12:06.160 --> 0:12:09.600 with mood boosting properties aimed at promoting a balanced and 0:12:09.720 --> 0:12:13.040 happy mind. Through our commitment to our wellness journey and 0:12:13.080 --> 0:12:16.679 striving to fuel our bodies with the healthiest ingredients, It's 0:12:16.720 --> 0:12:19.760 been our purpose to make healthy choices accessible for all, 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:22.760 which is why Juni is now on shelves at Target. 0:12:23.080 --> 0:12:26.080 So head to our store locator at Drinkjuny dot com 0:12:26.120 --> 0:12:32.840 and find Juny at a Target near you. Now, the 0:12:32.920 --> 0:12:39.040 third point is really important here. How can you be honest? Kind? 0:12:40.080 --> 0:12:44.720 And this is the most important part. Empathetic to their reaction. 0:12:45.679 --> 0:12:48.080 I think a lot of the times we think that 0:12:48.120 --> 0:12:52.040 we want others to fully understand our values, to fully 0:12:52.160 --> 0:12:55.840 understand our approach, to almost celebrate it. We want someone 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.760 to say, Wow, that's amazing, good for you, And sometimes 0:12:58.760 --> 0:13:02.200 they may say, oh, you're such a right now, I'm 0:13:02.200 --> 0:13:04.199 not saying that that's a nice thing for someone to say. 0:13:04.200 --> 0:13:06.360 I'm not saying that I agree with that I know 0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:11.120 that you know it's not comfortable hearing that. And again, 0:13:11.200 --> 0:13:14.920 I'm not telling you to tolerate someone's bad behavior. But 0:13:15.160 --> 0:13:18.880 what I am saying is that it's okay to recognize 0:13:18.880 --> 0:13:22.000 that someone else has their own values about a similar situation. 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:25.160 And often we can get so lost in like now, 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:29.600 being critical of someone's reaction, that we're stealing a great 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:32.800 time from ourselves. Right, So many of us spend more 0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:37.680 time criticizing how someone behaves with us than creating opportunities 0:13:37.720 --> 0:13:40.200 to have a great time. How many times have you 0:13:40.280 --> 0:13:45.760 sat there, complained, criticized, and compared instead of focusing on 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:50.240 creating a great evening? And I would encourage you to 0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:53.360 be empathetic and be open to the idea that people 0:13:53.400 --> 0:13:57.120 may not agree with you. That's very likely someone may 0:13:57.240 --> 0:14:01.880 debate you. That's very likely. Expectation of well, they should 0:14:01.960 --> 0:14:05.880 just understand is actually going to cause us more stress. 0:14:06.080 --> 0:14:09.320 So now I've started to realize I'm going to be honest, kind, 0:14:09.360 --> 0:14:12.240 and empathetic with my response, but I don't have an 0:14:12.280 --> 0:14:16.600 expectation of how I want that person to respond. I've 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:20.520 realized that humans are just so complex. We're so layered, 0:14:20.640 --> 0:14:23.880 all of us, including me, and I have no idea 0:14:24.000 --> 0:14:28.800 what the context of this conversation is for that individual 0:14:28.840 --> 0:14:31.280 as they hear it. Even if I think I know them, 0:14:31.440 --> 0:14:33.480 I don't know what they went through right now at 0:14:33.480 --> 0:14:36.920 this millisecond. And therefore, because of I don't know what's 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:40.760 happening in this particular second of their life, I'm going 0:14:40.800 --> 0:14:44.520 to be empathetic to how they process this, and I'm 0:14:44.560 --> 0:14:47.640 not going to have an expectation on how they should 0:14:47.960 --> 0:14:51.680 have processed this or how I would process this. We 0:14:51.760 --> 0:14:55.920 often do this thing where we project how we process 0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:59.680 things onto people, and when they don't act in that way, 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:02.120 I'm so surprised. We're thinking, well, why wouldn't you do that? 0:15:02.120 --> 0:15:05.480 That's what I would have done. They're not you and 0:15:05.520 --> 0:15:10.880 you're not them. If someone doesn't act in the way 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:15.800 you would or the way you think they should, remember this, 0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:23.120 they're not you and you're not them. Most people are 0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:27.920 not you. Most people don't think exactly the way you do. 0:15:28.720 --> 0:15:32.800 We live in a world where everyone has a different context, 0:15:33.360 --> 0:15:37.080 has a different background, has a different walk of life, 0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:39.960 and because of that, we have to be open to 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:44.160 the idea that people behave in ways that we will 0:15:44.240 --> 0:15:50.360 never understand, never condone and never choose to act ourselves. Now, 0:15:50.480 --> 0:15:53.760 one of the reasons why we struggle with these conversations 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:58.600 is when you try to say these things, you subconsciously 0:15:58.800 --> 0:16:04.520 sound defensive because you subconsciously feel defensive, and that's actually 0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:08.280 what gets communicated in your tone. You're scared of it 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:13.000 being perceived negatively. Because you perceive it negatively. There's a 0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:15.880 part of you that still believes they're not going out, 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:18.520 not drinking, not eating. Whatever it is that you're trying 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:21.480 to practice, there's a part of you that believes it's 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:24.160 not the right thing. There's a part of you that 0:16:24.280 --> 0:16:28.080 believes it's uncool, it's untrendy, it's fatty, it's whatever it is. 0:16:28.840 --> 0:16:31.320 There's a part of you that believes that. And that's 0:16:31.360 --> 0:16:34.200 why you're scared to share it. And that's why when 0:16:34.240 --> 0:16:37.360 someone actually says something about it, it triggers you because 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:42.040 you felt it already. No one can trigger you. If 0:16:42.080 --> 0:16:45.880 you don't have the button to press already, right, If 0:16:45.880 --> 0:16:48.880 that button doesn't exist on you, no one can press 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:51.800 that button. If someone can push that button, it means 0:16:51.800 --> 0:16:56.160 that that button exists. Get that. So we're trying to 0:16:56.160 --> 0:16:58.440 get like, if you don't have an on and off button. 0:16:58.480 --> 0:17:01.920 You can't press it right, same with any trigger button. 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:07.080 So here's an exercise. Here are three questions that we 0:17:07.280 --> 0:17:12.119 need to internalize when we're setting a boundary. We have 0:17:12.160 --> 0:17:14.639 to become more certain about our boundaries. They can't just 0:17:14.680 --> 0:17:16.800 be a rule that sounds good. They just can't be 0:17:17.320 --> 0:17:20.280 a list of things that we're going to follow. We 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:24.880 have to actually think about them. The first question, what 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:30.760 is the boundary protecting for you? Is it time? Why 0:17:30.880 --> 0:17:35.239 is time important? Why is that so precious? Is it 0:17:35.440 --> 0:17:39.880 a ideal that you're trying to practice. Is it a 0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:44.040 mindset you're trying to build? Why is that important? So? 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:49.080 What is the boundary protecting for you? Not protecting from you, 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:53.520 but protecting for you? And why is that so important? 0:17:53.560 --> 0:17:58.919 Why is that thing so important? Two more questions, What 0:17:59.040 --> 0:18:02.600 happens when you don't follow that boundary? What happens if 0:18:02.600 --> 0:18:04.520 you don't follow that boundary? Tomorrow? You're gonna wake up? 0:18:04.520 --> 0:18:08.639 How are you going to feel? Fast forward future pace. 0:18:09.400 --> 0:18:12.200 This is called fast forward a future pace when you 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:15.960 almost project yourself, beaming yourself into the future and said, 0:18:15.960 --> 0:18:18.679 how will my future self feel about this? How do 0:18:18.720 --> 0:18:20.600 I know I'm likely to feel about this if I 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:24.680 forego the boundary, and now let me do the opposite, 0:18:24.880 --> 0:18:26.919 how do I feel when I do follow through on 0:18:27.000 --> 0:18:31.600 the boundary. These three questions are a must for any 0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:35.880 of the big boundaries you want to set in your life. Now, 0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:40.520 the next step is planning a buffer. A lot of 0:18:40.520 --> 0:18:42.560 the time, when we finally set these boundaries, maybe you 0:18:42.640 --> 0:18:45.000 laminate your rules, right, you have them in your notes, 0:18:45.040 --> 0:18:48.520 whatever you do for them. What ends up happening is 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:52.240 someone will catch you off guard, someone will surprise you. 0:18:52.880 --> 0:18:56.080 Someone will ask for something at the time you don't expect, 0:18:57.160 --> 0:19:01.600 and you'll be thinking, oh, oh, I'm not ready for this, right, 0:19:01.640 --> 0:19:04.960 I wasn't prepared for this. It's okay to ask for 0:19:05.040 --> 0:19:09.680 some time. It's okay to ask for some space. It's 0:19:09.720 --> 0:19:13.719 okay to say, yeah, let me get back to you, 0:19:14.000 --> 0:19:16.280 let me think about that. Oh, thanks so much, I 0:19:16.320 --> 0:19:18.080 appreciate it. Yeah, let me get back to you in 0:19:18.080 --> 0:19:21.720 a couple of days. It's so important to create that 0:19:21.880 --> 0:19:25.760 space for yourself and not feel pressure. And the best 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:27.679 way to do it is, hey, I'll let you know 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:30.760 in a couple of days. Right, I'll actually try and 0:19:30.800 --> 0:19:33.200 set a deadline for yourself. I think often when we 0:19:33.240 --> 0:19:35.040 don't set the deadline. We never say anything, and then 0:19:35.080 --> 0:19:38.560 that person does feel hurt and offended, and rightly so, 0:19:38.720 --> 0:19:40.720 because they don't know what's going on inside your head. 0:19:41.280 --> 0:19:43.360 So it's okay to ask for some time, to ask 0:19:43.359 --> 0:19:47.280 for some space. Now, we haven't addressed how to have 0:19:47.359 --> 0:19:50.920 that uncomfortable conversation. And the more and more I speak 0:19:50.920 --> 0:19:54.560 to people personally or professionally, the more I hear how 0:19:54.720 --> 0:19:58.760 much we struggle with actually having these uncomfortable conversations because 0:19:58.760 --> 0:20:01.080 we've never been prepared for them. We've never been trained 0:20:01.119 --> 0:20:05.359 for them. So here's a few tips that help. The 0:20:05.400 --> 0:20:11.760 first one is observing others do uncomfortable things. Right, Observing 0:20:11.880 --> 0:20:16.080 real people do uncomfortable things, uncomfortable things that we encourage. 0:20:16.119 --> 0:20:18.480 That would be a good idea. Right, If you can 0:20:18.600 --> 0:20:21.920 sit in or you can watch someone in the workplace 0:20:22.040 --> 0:20:26.280 do something uncomfortable, it allows you to understand how it 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:29.199 was done well and how it was done badly. Now, 0:20:29.200 --> 0:20:31.600 if it's done well, our reactions usually I have no 0:20:31.680 --> 0:20:35.440 idea how you did that, And if you don't think 0:20:35.440 --> 0:20:38.080 it went well, you'd be thinking I don't know why 0:20:38.160 --> 0:20:40.919 you did that. Right, No, it's the difference your reaction 0:20:40.960 --> 0:20:43.159 when someone does something, well is I have no idea 0:20:43.280 --> 0:20:47.000 how you did that. And when someone didn't pull it off, well, 0:20:47.080 --> 0:20:50.480 I don't know why you did that. So we've got 0:20:50.480 --> 0:20:52.160 to look out for those moments in our life when 0:20:52.160 --> 0:20:55.040 we're thinking, how did you do that? And often what 0:20:55.080 --> 0:20:56.760 we do is we put people on a pedestal. We 0:20:56.880 --> 0:20:59.960 just assume you're special, you're smart, you have some gear 0:21:00.000 --> 0:21:02.159 if you learn something. The truth is, it's a muscle 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:04.960 that can be built. It's a skill that can be trained. 0:21:05.600 --> 0:21:08.160 It's a skill. It's a skill. It's a skill. The 0:21:08.160 --> 0:21:11.320 more and more I realized in life, everything you admire 0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:16.240 in someone else is a skill. It's a skill that 0:21:16.320 --> 0:21:19.240 can be trained. It's a muscle that can be built. 0:21:19.760 --> 0:21:25.680 It's a life that you can live. We delude ourself 0:21:26.240 --> 0:21:30.560 by making ourselves believe that it's only possible for that 0:21:30.600 --> 0:21:34.800 person because of a certain set of circumstances, and we 0:21:34.960 --> 0:21:39.880 accept less for ourself. It's a skill that can be trained. 0:21:40.680 --> 0:21:46.680 So observing someone else do something uncomfortable, ask them questions. 0:21:47.000 --> 0:21:48.640 Even if you know they do it, maybe you haven't 0:21:48.680 --> 0:21:52.520 seen them do the interaction. Ask them. Maybe you know 0:21:52.640 --> 0:21:55.879 someone who's had to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations 0:21:55.880 --> 0:21:58.240 in their career. Sit down and ask them what they've 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:01.200 learned through that process, why they've done that, how it's 0:22:01.240 --> 0:22:03.960 helped them, watch them do it, if they let you 0:22:04.000 --> 0:22:07.359 watch them, but be curious about them. And then at 0:22:07.359 --> 0:22:10.800 one point, we have to get to exposure therapy. Right, 0:22:10.840 --> 0:22:15.720 we have to start exposing ourselves to small, tiny, simple 0:22:16.040 --> 0:22:23.240 actions of discomfort. Calling to cancel a dental appointment, calling 0:22:23.280 --> 0:22:28.240 to cancel a reservation at a restaurant, right, declining an 0:22:28.280 --> 0:22:31.399 invite to a friend's birthday, right, whatever it may be like. 0:22:31.480 --> 0:22:35.080 We need to expose ourselves to the smallest version of 0:22:35.119 --> 0:22:40.320 it and then allow it to scale. Here's the harsh 0:22:40.320 --> 0:22:44.399 truth I have to share with you. People will be offended, 0:22:45.119 --> 0:22:50.399 and that's okay. Use this as an opportunity to reset. 0:22:51.320 --> 0:22:54.400 A lot of the times people will say things like, oh, 0:22:54.440 --> 0:22:57.040 you used to always be around. What happened? Oh you 0:22:57.119 --> 0:23:00.400 always used to be so much fun? What happened? Will 0:23:00.440 --> 0:23:02.439 say things like that, And often we sit there and go, 0:23:02.640 --> 0:23:06.840 why are they saying things like that? It's not bizarre. 0:23:07.040 --> 0:23:09.320 That's how people are. They get used to a certain 0:23:09.520 --> 0:23:12.879 pattern of you, and now they want that pattern to 0:23:12.960 --> 0:23:18.480 be your reality. Forever. Use that as an opportunity to reset, 0:23:18.880 --> 0:23:22.240 reset who you are and reset who you're around, reset 0:23:22.280 --> 0:23:27.240 people's expectations of you. Right, we've all live in the 0:23:27.240 --> 0:23:30.639 world of expectations. People have built up an expectation about you, 0:23:30.680 --> 0:23:32.840 and maybe you've built up an expectation of someone else. 0:23:33.359 --> 0:23:35.240 And this is a really important point too. Who in 0:23:35.280 --> 0:23:37.199 your life has been trying to set a boundary with 0:23:37.280 --> 0:23:40.240 you and you've been irked by it? Who's tried to 0:23:40.240 --> 0:23:42.280 set a boundary with you and you've been irked by 0:23:42.280 --> 0:23:45.360 It's so important to reflect on that because, by the way, 0:23:45.400 --> 0:23:47.760 this is happening both ways. There are people trying to 0:23:47.760 --> 0:23:50.840 set a boundary with me right now, and I may 0:23:50.840 --> 0:23:54.240 be rejecting it. I'm not giving them the empathy that 0:23:54.320 --> 0:23:58.960 I would want. And boundaries will adapt, and that's okay, right, 0:23:59.040 --> 0:24:02.280 Boundaries will they'll change, they'll be flexible, and you will 0:24:02.320 --> 0:24:04.560 have to update people and they'll say, whoa, it sounds 0:24:04.600 --> 0:24:06.920 like you're changing every week right now? Right. They will 0:24:06.960 --> 0:24:11.439 say that predicting what people will say will protect you 0:24:12.359 --> 0:24:15.240 from having the false expectation that they won't say it, 0:24:15.760 --> 0:24:18.480 expect it, predict it, project it, know that it's going 0:24:18.560 --> 0:24:22.879 to happen and therefore be prepared for it. Thank you 0:24:22.920 --> 0:24:25.000 so much for listening to on Purpose. I hope that 0:24:25.040 --> 0:24:27.199 you'll pass this on to a friend who may be 0:24:27.240 --> 0:24:30.240 struggling with setting boundaries, and I want you to remember this. 0:24:30.840 --> 0:24:34.200 I am forever in your corner and I'm always rooting 0:24:34.240 --> 0:24:37.520 for you. Thanks for listening. If you love this episode, 0:24:37.760 --> 0:24:41.159 you will also love my interview with Charles Douhig on 0:24:41.280 --> 0:24:45.159 how to hack your brain, change any habit effortlessly, and 0:24:45.240 --> 0:24:48.960 the secret to making better decisions. Look, am I hesitating 0:24:49.000 --> 0:24:51.440 on this because I'm scared of making the choice because 0:24:51.480 --> 0:24:53.600 I'm scared of doing the work, Or am I sitting 0:24:53.680 --> 0:24:58.439 with this because it just doesn't feel right yet? For 0:24:58.560 --> 0:25:01.960 Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm partnering up with the National 0:25:02.000 --> 0:25:05.119