Speaker 1: We live in a world where everyone has a different context,
Speaker 1: has a different background, has a different walk of life,
Speaker 1: and because of that, we have to be open to
Speaker 1: the idea that people behave in ways that we will
Speaker 1: never understand, never condone, and never choose to act ourselves.
Speaker 1: The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sety Jay
Speaker 1: set Us Only Set. Hey. Everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose,
Speaker 1: the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
Speaker 1: Today's episode is all about how to set boundaries without
Speaker 1: offending people? Is that even possible? I'm going to be
Speaker 1: talking about it in this episode. And if you're someone
Speaker 1: who feels taken advantage of, either personally or professionally, maybe
Speaker 1: it's in your family and friends circle, or maybe it's
Speaker 1: at work, this episode is for you. You feel you're
Speaker 1: a people pleaser and you struggle with saying no. All
Speaker 1: you're ever doing is saying yes, sure, I'll do it.
Speaker 1: I'm in and in your heart and mind you're thinking
Speaker 1: to yourself, how am I going to keep up with this?
Speaker 1: This episode is for you if you're someone who over commits,
Speaker 1: if you're someone who has no time left for yourself
Speaker 1: because you're spending it all on everyone else. This episode
Speaker 1: is for you. Now, Let's be honest. Boundaries are tough
Speaker 1: to set, especially with people you love, especially with people
Speaker 1: you close to. Right, We've been raised to want to
Speaker 1: be good people, and in our head, the definition of
Speaker 1: being a good person is someone who never says no,
Speaker 1: someone who always says yes, someone who's always available, someone
Speaker 1: who everyone goes thanks for always being around, Thanks for
Speaker 1: being so consistent, thank you for all always being there.
Speaker 1: So our definition of what it means to be a
Speaker 1: good person is someone with no boundaries. I want you
Speaker 1: to really let that settle. I'm starting straight in right like,
Speaker 1: I want you to think about that. Our definition of
Speaker 1: what a good human being is is someone who doesn't
Speaker 1: have boundaries. Because you want someone to say to you,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for always being around. You want
Speaker 1: to be that person that everyone likes, that everyone says, oh,
Speaker 1: you know so and so they're so helpful. We want
Speaker 1: to be liked. We want to be considered significant, important, nice, kind.
Speaker 1: But in order to get that validation, we often break
Speaker 1: promises to ourselves. So our definition of what it means
Speaker 1: to be a good, healthy human needs to change at
Speaker 1: the core, because if it doesn't change, we end up
Speaker 1: thinking that now we're a bad human Right, Maybe you've
Speaker 1: even played around with boundaries. Maybe you've even tried to
Speaker 1: set boundaries. Then when you did it, it didn't feel good, right,
Speaker 1: It felt so uncomfortable, it felt so not like you.
Speaker 1: And whenever it didn't feel like you, you then went
Speaker 1: back on it. You let it go because it felt
Speaker 1: so awkward, uncomfortable, difficult to maintain a boundary. Maybe when
Speaker 1: you've tried to set a boundary in the past, someone
Speaker 1: put pressure on you, someone tried to break your boundary.
Speaker 1: So this episode's dedicated to us figuring out how we
Speaker 1: can set better boundaries, how do we communicate those boundaries,
Speaker 1: and how do we hopefully not offend people in the process. Now,
Speaker 1: the first thing I'd like to do is, I'd like
Speaker 1: to redefine boundaries, just as we talked about redefining what
Speaker 1: it means to be a good human being, right, Like
Speaker 1: we do believe that a good human being knows how
Speaker 1: to invest in themselves, a healthy human being knows how
Speaker 1: to have parameters, knows how to navigate awkward, uncomfortable conversations.
Speaker 1: That's what we'd aspire to be like. But we also
Speaker 1: have to redefine what boundaries are. Listen to this carefully.
Speaker 1: Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what
Speaker 1: we want or don't want from others. Let me say
Speaker 1: that again. Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves,
Speaker 1: not what we want or don't want from others. So
Speaker 1: many times when people are speaking about boundaries, what they're
Speaker 1: really doing is setting rules that they want others to
Speaker 1: live by. They're setting a list of to dos for
Speaker 1: others to follow. They're setting a list of don't for
Speaker 1: others to stand by. This is a recipe for failure.
Speaker 1: If your boundary is about controlling someone else's actions or hoping, wishing, wanting,
Speaker 1: waiting for them to do something differently, that is pretty
Speaker 1: near impossible. The reason I say that is so many
Speaker 1: of us are setting boundaries that are like, next time
Speaker 1: this happens, can you please not do this? Next time
Speaker 1: this happens, can you not do this now? I'm not
Speaker 1: saying that we shouldn't try that. I'm just saying that
Speaker 1: that doesn't really set a boundary, because that's trying to
Speaker 1: set a boundary to protect you from someone else, and
Speaker 1: actually a true boundary is protecting you from yourself. Let
Speaker 1: me say that again. We think boundaries are about protecting
Speaker 1: us from other people, but boundaries are actually about protecting
Speaker 1: ourselves from ourselves. We can't control anyone else's actions, can
Speaker 1: control our own. Boundaries are to protect yourself from your
Speaker 1: own triggers, not stop someone else from behaving a certain way,
Speaker 1: because you can't guarantee that. So let me give you
Speaker 1: an example of a boundary that may fail. I'm going
Speaker 1: to tell my friends to not invite me out after
Speaker 1: eight pm. Now I may say that, but here's what
Speaker 1: will likely happen. Maybe they'll forget and they'll invite me anyway.
Speaker 1: Maybe they'll go out one day at seven forty five,
Speaker 1: not invite me, and then I'll fill some fomo and
Speaker 1: feel well. I wish they invite me, I said eight not.
Speaker 1: You know right. It gets messy. But a healthy boundary
Speaker 1: is this. For example, if I get invited out on
Speaker 1: a weekday after eight pm, I'll decline. You're protecting yourself.
Speaker 1: You're setting yourself up for something you can control, something
Speaker 1: you're in charge of. If my friends asked me to
Speaker 1: drink on a night out, I'll choose something non alcoholic.
Speaker 1: Now I've been in that place when I transitioned from
Speaker 1: drinking alcohol to not drinking alcohol. I remember struggling to
Speaker 1: tell my friends about my change. I did it fairly young,
Speaker 1: and so I was scared about how I'd be perceived.
Speaker 1: I thought I'd be seen as someone who didn't fit
Speaker 1: in or someone who is different now, and so it
Speaker 1: was really hard for me to tell them that. And
Speaker 1: what I realized was if I set a boundary for them,
Speaker 1: they may forget, or they may not forget. Maybe they're
Speaker 1: drunk when they're asking me to have a drink, so
Speaker 1: they're not in their right state of mind. Right, It's
Speaker 1: not always going to be clear cut, but I need
Speaker 1: to set boundaries for myself. I remember when I made
Speaker 1: that transition. I started saying to a lot of my friends, Hey, like,
Speaker 1: I'd love to go hang out in a restaurant, let's
Speaker 1: avoid a club or a bar or whatever it may be.
Speaker 1: That was a boundary I was setting that That's how
Speaker 1: I spend my time. So these are all if this,
Speaker 1: then that scenarios? What are your if scenarios? Right? If
Speaker 1: I get invited out on a weekday, if my friends
Speaker 1: ask me to drink, if this happens, then that, what
Speaker 1: are your if scenarios that you find are leading to behaviors,
Speaker 1: are leading to behaviors that break boundaries that you're trying
Speaker 1: to set. Maybe you're trying to follow a certain diet,
Speaker 1: Maybe you're trying to follow a certain workout. Maybe you're
Speaker 1: in a state right now where you're trying to choose
Speaker 1: going out instead of staying in, or staying in instead
Speaker 1: of going out. What are your if scenarios and what
Speaker 1: is your solution if this, then that this is a
Speaker 1: great rule to make for your mind, so that your
Speaker 1: mind doesn't have to look at every situation as unique
Speaker 1: and different. So often, if we just play it case
Speaker 1: by k and we don't set these rules for ourselves,
Speaker 1: we end up falling at the first hurdle. Now, the
Speaker 1: second thing I want to say is sorry, I can't
Speaker 1: make it. Won't be possible for me this time. I
Speaker 1: have another commitment. These three are perfect sentences. They're all
Speaker 1: fully okay to communicate. What we often do when we're
Speaker 1: trying to communicate our boundaries is we often over explain
Speaker 1: and overcompensate, thinking it helps, but often it opens a
Speaker 1: can of worms. Now, if you know someone really, really well,
Speaker 1: and you have a priority in your life, you should
Speaker 1: communicate that priority. I, Hey, you know what, from now on,
Speaker 1: I'm not really trying to go out after eight pm
Speaker 1: or weekdays, I'm trying to get in early night. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to make sure that I get that sleep. I
Speaker 1: just wanted you to know that because I didn't want
Speaker 1: you to think I was a messaging you. Right, that's
Speaker 1: a great, great thing to say, But often what we
Speaker 1: do is we try and over explain and overcompensate for everything.
Speaker 1: So when instead of saying sorry, I can't make it,
Speaker 1: we do one or two things. We don't say anything
Speaker 1: up until the last minute, where we then say sorry
Speaker 1: I can't make it and we feel terrible, or we
Speaker 1: send a long winded explanation trying to justify a choice. Now,
Speaker 1: there's a difference between justifying your choice to yourself and
Speaker 1: communicating outwardly to someone else. Most of us are still
Speaker 1: trying to convince ourselves of our boundary, so we end
Speaker 1: up sending a message that sounds like something you should
Speaker 1: say to yourself and your head, that doesn't communicate effectively
Speaker 1: to someone out there. Right, have you ever done that before?
Speaker 1: Where Like, for example, I'm just keep taking the same
Speaker 1: example because it's something I started with, but it's like
Speaker 1: I start saying, you know, I've realized that when I
Speaker 1: go out on a weekday, I feel like I don't
Speaker 1: get good enough sleep, I feel like I don't work out.
Speaker 1: The next day, I find like I end up eating
Speaker 1: things that aren't healthy for me, and so I've realized
Speaker 1: that I need to stay in. Now that's your own
Speaker 1: thought process, and that may or may not be useful
Speaker 1: to someone else. Them knowing that you can't make it
Speaker 1: won't work out this time, it's probably enough. If they're
Speaker 1: a close friend, you may tell them about your principle.
Speaker 1: But sometimes what we end up saying sounds like we're preaching.
Speaker 1: It sounds like we're saying an opinion of what we believe.
Speaker 1: And now that person's thinking, yeah, I get that, but
Speaker 1: I actually love going out or whatever. It may be right,
Speaker 1: and it triggers a whole conversation, and it often triggers
Speaker 1: something in them as well, where it sounds like you're
Speaker 1: saying something and then you're like, oh, no, no, I
Speaker 1: didn't mean it to you. I just want this for me,
Speaker 1: and then it goes on and on and on. Hey everyone,
Speaker 1: it's Jay here. My wife and I have had so
Speaker 1: much fun creating our own sparkling tea Juni, and I've
Speaker 1: got big news for you. It's at Target and we
Speaker 1: love your support. If you can go out grab a Juny,
Speaker 1: You'll be adding adaptagens and new tropics into your life
Speaker 1: with mood boosting properties aimed at promoting a balanced and
Speaker 1: happy mind. Through our commitment to our wellness journey and
Speaker 1: striving to fuel our bodies with the healthiest ingredients, It's
Speaker 1: been our purpose to make healthy choices accessible for all,
Speaker 1: which is why Juni is now on shelves at Target.
Speaker 1: So head to our store locator at Drinkjuny dot com
Speaker 1: and find Juny at a Target near you. Now, the
Speaker 1: third point is really important here. How can you be honest? Kind?
Speaker 1: And this is the most important part. Empathetic to their reaction.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of the times we think that
Speaker 1: we want others to fully understand our values, to fully
Speaker 1: understand our approach, to almost celebrate it. We want someone
Speaker 1: to say, Wow, that's amazing, good for you, And sometimes
Speaker 1: they may say, oh, you're such a right now, I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that that's a nice thing for someone to say.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that I agree with that I know
Speaker 1: that you know it's not comfortable hearing that. And again,
Speaker 1: I'm not telling you to tolerate someone's bad behavior. But
Speaker 1: what I am saying is that it's okay to recognize
Speaker 1: that someone else has their own values about a similar situation.
Speaker 1: And often we can get so lost in like now,
Speaker 1: being critical of someone's reaction, that we're stealing a great
Speaker 1: time from ourselves. Right, So many of us spend more
Speaker 1: time criticizing how someone behaves with us than creating opportunities
Speaker 1: to have a great time. How many times have you
Speaker 1: sat there, complained, criticized, and compared instead of focusing on
Speaker 1: creating a great evening? And I would encourage you to
Speaker 1: be empathetic and be open to the idea that people
Speaker 1: may not agree with you. That's very likely someone may
Speaker 1: debate you. That's very likely. Expectation of well, they should
Speaker 1: just understand is actually going to cause us more stress.
Speaker 1: So now I've started to realize I'm going to be honest, kind,
Speaker 1: and empathetic with my response, but I don't have an
Speaker 1: expectation of how I want that person to respond. I've
Speaker 1: realized that humans are just so complex. We're so layered,
Speaker 1: all of us, including me, and I have no idea
Speaker 1: what the context of this conversation is for that individual
Speaker 1: as they hear it. Even if I think I know them,
Speaker 1: I don't know what they went through right now at
Speaker 1: this millisecond. And therefore, because of I don't know what's
Speaker 1: happening in this particular second of their life, I'm going
Speaker 1: to be empathetic to how they process this, and I'm
Speaker 1: not going to have an expectation on how they should
Speaker 1: have processed this or how I would process this. We
Speaker 1: often do this thing where we project how we process
Speaker 1: things onto people, and when they don't act in that way,
Speaker 1: I'm so surprised. We're thinking, well, why wouldn't you do that?
Speaker 1: That's what I would have done. They're not you and
Speaker 1: you're not them. If someone doesn't act in the way
Speaker 1: you would or the way you think they should, remember this,
Speaker 1: they're not you and you're not them. Most people are
Speaker 1: not you. Most people don't think exactly the way you do.
Speaker 1: We live in a world where everyone has a different context,
Speaker 1: has a different background, has a different walk of life,
Speaker 1: and because of that, we have to be open to
Speaker 1: the idea that people behave in ways that we will
Speaker 1: never understand, never condone and never choose to act ourselves. Now,
Speaker 1: one of the reasons why we struggle with these conversations
Speaker 1: is when you try to say these things, you subconsciously
Speaker 1: sound defensive because you subconsciously feel defensive, and that's actually
Speaker 1: what gets communicated in your tone. You're scared of it
Speaker 1: being perceived negatively. Because you perceive it negatively. There's a
Speaker 1: part of you that still believes they're not going out,
Speaker 1: not drinking, not eating. Whatever it is that you're trying
Speaker 1: to practice, there's a part of you that believes it's
Speaker 1: not the right thing. There's a part of you that
Speaker 1: believes it's uncool, it's untrendy, it's fatty, it's whatever it is.
Speaker 1: There's a part of you that believes that. And that's
Speaker 1: why you're scared to share it. And that's why when
Speaker 1: someone actually says something about it, it triggers you because
Speaker 1: you felt it already. No one can trigger you. If
Speaker 1: you don't have the button to press already, right, If
Speaker 1: that button doesn't exist on you, no one can press
Speaker 1: that button. If someone can push that button, it means
Speaker 1: that that button exists. Get that. So we're trying to
Speaker 1: get like, if you don't have an on and off button.
Speaker 1: You can't press it right, same with any trigger button.
Speaker 1: So here's an exercise. Here are three questions that we
Speaker 1: need to internalize when we're setting a boundary. We have
Speaker 1: to become more certain about our boundaries. They can't just
Speaker 1: be a rule that sounds good. They just can't be
Speaker 1: a list of things that we're going to follow. We
Speaker 1: have to actually think about them. The first question, what
Speaker 1: is the boundary protecting for you? Is it time? Why
Speaker 1: is time important? Why is that so precious? Is it
Speaker 1: a ideal that you're trying to practice. Is it a
Speaker 1: mindset you're trying to build? Why is that important? So?
Speaker 1: What is the boundary protecting for you? Not protecting from you,
Speaker 1: but protecting for you? And why is that so important?
Speaker 1: Why is that thing so important? Two more questions, What
Speaker 1: happens when you don't follow that boundary? What happens if
Speaker 1: you don't follow that boundary? Tomorrow? You're gonna wake up?
Speaker 1: How are you going to feel? Fast forward future pace.
Speaker 1: This is called fast forward a future pace when you
Speaker 1: almost project yourself, beaming yourself into the future and said,
Speaker 1: how will my future self feel about this? How do
Speaker 1: I know I'm likely to feel about this if I
Speaker 1: forego the boundary, and now let me do the opposite,
Speaker 1: how do I feel when I do follow through on
Speaker 1: the boundary. These three questions are a must for any
Speaker 1: of the big boundaries you want to set in your life. Now,
Speaker 1: the next step is planning a buffer. A lot of
Speaker 1: the time, when we finally set these boundaries, maybe you
Speaker 1: laminate your rules, right, you have them in your notes,
Speaker 1: whatever you do for them. What ends up happening is
Speaker 1: someone will catch you off guard, someone will surprise you.
Speaker 1: Someone will ask for something at the time you don't expect,
Speaker 1: and you'll be thinking, oh, oh, I'm not ready for this, right,
Speaker 1: I wasn't prepared for this. It's okay to ask for
Speaker 1: some time. It's okay to ask for some space. It's
Speaker 1: okay to say, yeah, let me get back to you,
Speaker 1: let me think about that. Oh, thanks so much, I
Speaker 1: appreciate it. Yeah, let me get back to you in
Speaker 1: a couple of days. It's so important to create that
Speaker 1: space for yourself and not feel pressure. And the best
Speaker 1: way to do it is, hey, I'll let you know
Speaker 1: in a couple of days. Right, I'll actually try and
Speaker 1: set a deadline for yourself. I think often when we
Speaker 1: don't set the deadline. We never say anything, and then
Speaker 1: that person does feel hurt and offended, and rightly so,
Speaker 1: because they don't know what's going on inside your head.
Speaker 1: So it's okay to ask for some time, to ask
Speaker 1: for some space. Now, we haven't addressed how to have
Speaker 1: that uncomfortable conversation. And the more and more I speak
Speaker 1: to people personally or professionally, the more I hear how
Speaker 1: much we struggle with actually having these uncomfortable conversations because
Speaker 1: we've never been prepared for them. We've never been trained
Speaker 1: for them. So here's a few tips that help. The
Speaker 1: first one is observing others do uncomfortable things. Right, Observing
Speaker 1: real people do uncomfortable things, uncomfortable things that we encourage.
Speaker 1: That would be a good idea. Right, If you can
Speaker 1: sit in or you can watch someone in the workplace
Speaker 1: do something uncomfortable, it allows you to understand how it
Speaker 1: was done well and how it was done badly. Now,
Speaker 1: if it's done well, our reactions usually I have no
Speaker 1: idea how you did that, And if you don't think
Speaker 1: it went well, you'd be thinking I don't know why
Speaker 1: you did that. Right, No, it's the difference your reaction
Speaker 1: when someone does something, well is I have no idea
Speaker 1: how you did that. And when someone didn't pull it off, well,
Speaker 1: I don't know why you did that. So we've got
Speaker 1: to look out for those moments in our life when
Speaker 1: we're thinking, how did you do that? And often what
Speaker 1: we do is we put people on a pedestal. We
Speaker 1: just assume you're special, you're smart, you have some gear
Speaker 1: if you learn something. The truth is, it's a muscle
Speaker 1: that can be built. It's a skill that can be trained.
Speaker 1: It's a skill. It's a skill. It's a skill. The
Speaker 1: more and more I realized in life, everything you admire
Speaker 1: in someone else is a skill. It's a skill that
Speaker 1: can be trained. It's a muscle that can be built.
Speaker 1: It's a life that you can live. We delude ourself
Speaker 1: by making ourselves believe that it's only possible for that
Speaker 1: person because of a certain set of circumstances, and we
Speaker 1: accept less for ourself. It's a skill that can be trained.
Speaker 1: So observing someone else do something uncomfortable, ask them questions.
Speaker 1: Even if you know they do it, maybe you haven't
Speaker 1: seen them do the interaction. Ask them. Maybe you know
Speaker 1: someone who's had to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations
Speaker 1: in their career. Sit down and ask them what they've
Speaker 1: learned through that process, why they've done that, how it's
Speaker 1: helped them, watch them do it, if they let you
Speaker 1: watch them, but be curious about them. And then at
Speaker 1: one point, we have to get to exposure therapy. Right,
Speaker 1: we have to start exposing ourselves to small, tiny, simple
Speaker 1: actions of discomfort. Calling to cancel a dental appointment, calling
Speaker 1: to cancel a reservation at a restaurant, right, declining an
Speaker 1: invite to a friend's birthday, right, whatever it may be like.
Speaker 1: We need to expose ourselves to the smallest version of
Speaker 1: it and then allow it to scale. Here's the harsh
Speaker 1: truth I have to share with you. People will be offended,
Speaker 1: and that's okay. Use this as an opportunity to reset.
Speaker 1: A lot of the times people will say things like, oh,
Speaker 1: you used to always be around. What happened? Oh you
Speaker 1: always used to be so much fun? What happened? Will
Speaker 1: say things like that, And often we sit there and go,
Speaker 1: why are they saying things like that? It's not bizarre.
Speaker 1: That's how people are. They get used to a certain
Speaker 1: pattern of you, and now they want that pattern to
Speaker 1: be your reality. Forever. Use that as an opportunity to reset,
Speaker 1: reset who you are and reset who you're around, reset
Speaker 1: people's expectations of you. Right, we've all live in the
Speaker 1: world of expectations. People have built up an expectation about you,
Speaker 1: and maybe you've built up an expectation of someone else.
Speaker 1: And this is a really important point too. Who in
Speaker 1: your life has been trying to set a boundary with
Speaker 1: you and you've been irked by it? Who's tried to
Speaker 1: set a boundary with you and you've been irked by
Speaker 1: It's so important to reflect on that because, by the way,
Speaker 1: this is happening both ways. There are people trying to
Speaker 1: set a boundary with me right now, and I may
Speaker 1: be rejecting it. I'm not giving them the empathy that
Speaker 1: I would want. And boundaries will adapt, and that's okay, right,
Speaker 1: Boundaries will they'll change, they'll be flexible, and you will
Speaker 1: have to update people and they'll say, whoa, it sounds
Speaker 1: like you're changing every week right now? Right. They will
Speaker 1: say that predicting what people will say will protect you
Speaker 1: from having the false expectation that they won't say it,
Speaker 1: expect it, predict it, project it, know that it's going
Speaker 1: to happen and therefore be prepared for it. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much for listening to on Purpose. I hope that
Speaker 1: you'll pass this on to a friend who may be
Speaker 1: struggling with setting boundaries, and I want you to remember this.
Speaker 1: I am forever in your corner and I'm always rooting
Speaker 1: for you. Thanks for listening. If you love this episode,
Speaker 1: you will also love my interview with Charles Douhig on
Speaker 1: how to hack your brain, change any habit effortlessly, and
Speaker 1: the secret to making better decisions. Look, am I hesitating
Speaker 1: on this because I'm scared of making the choice because
Speaker 1: I'm scared of doing the work, Or am I sitting
Speaker 1: with this because it just doesn't feel right yet? For
Speaker 1: Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm partnering up with the National
Speaker 1: Alliance of Mental Illness NAME. If you or someone you
Speaker 1: know is struggling with mental health, there is help. Call
Speaker 1: NAMI Helpline at eight hundred nine fifty NAMI, or go
Speaker 1: to www Dot name dot org, forward slash help, or
Speaker 1: text Helpline to six two six four zero for immediate
Speaker 1: twenty four to seven crisis support. Call your text nine
Speaker 1: eight eight or visit www dot nine eight eight lifeline
Speaker 1: dot org.