1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:04,399 Speaker 1: We live in a world where everyone has a different context, 2 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:08,360 Speaker 1: has a different background, has a different walk of life, 3 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:10,720 Speaker 1: and because of that, we have to be open to 4 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:14,440 Speaker 1: the idea that people behave in ways that we will 5 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:19,080 Speaker 1: never understand, never condone, and never choose to act ourselves. 6 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:23,040 Speaker 1: The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sety Jay 7 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:30,320 Speaker 1: set Us Only Set. Hey. Everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose, 8 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:34,559 Speaker 1: the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. 9 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:40,720 Speaker 1: Today's episode is all about how to set boundaries without 10 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:44,360 Speaker 1: offending people? Is that even possible? I'm going to be 11 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:48,000 Speaker 1: talking about it in this episode. And if you're someone 12 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:53,640 Speaker 1: who feels taken advantage of, either personally or professionally, maybe 13 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,080 Speaker 1: it's in your family and friends circle, or maybe it's 14 00:00:56,120 --> 00:01:00,680 Speaker 1: at work, this episode is for you. You feel you're 15 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:05,080 Speaker 1: a people pleaser and you struggle with saying no. All 16 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:08,119 Speaker 1: you're ever doing is saying yes, sure, I'll do it. 17 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: I'm in and in your heart and mind you're thinking 18 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:15,600 Speaker 1: to yourself, how am I going to keep up with this? 19 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:19,399 Speaker 1: This episode is for you if you're someone who over commits, 20 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,840 Speaker 1: if you're someone who has no time left for yourself 21 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:27,440 Speaker 1: because you're spending it all on everyone else. This episode 22 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:32,600 Speaker 1: is for you. Now, Let's be honest. Boundaries are tough 23 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:36,520 Speaker 1: to set, especially with people you love, especially with people 24 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,880 Speaker 1: you close to. Right, We've been raised to want to 25 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: be good people, and in our head, the definition of 26 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:47,039 Speaker 1: being a good person is someone who never says no, 27 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 1: someone who always says yes, someone who's always available, someone 28 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:57,320 Speaker 1: who everyone goes thanks for always being around, Thanks for 29 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 1: being so consistent, thank you for all always being there. 30 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 1: So our definition of what it means to be a 31 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,800 Speaker 1: good person is someone with no boundaries. I want you 32 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,360 Speaker 1: to really let that settle. I'm starting straight in right like, 33 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,200 Speaker 1: I want you to think about that. Our definition of 34 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:20,280 Speaker 1: what a good human being is is someone who doesn't 35 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:24,520 Speaker 1: have boundaries. Because you want someone to say to you, 36 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:26,880 Speaker 1: thank you so much for always being around. You want 37 00:02:26,919 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: to be that person that everyone likes, that everyone says, oh, 38 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 1: you know so and so they're so helpful. We want 39 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:39,440 Speaker 1: to be liked. We want to be considered significant, important, nice, kind. 40 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:45,680 Speaker 1: But in order to get that validation, we often break 41 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:52,680 Speaker 1: promises to ourselves. So our definition of what it means 42 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 1: to be a good, healthy human needs to change at 43 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,960 Speaker 1: the core, because if it doesn't change, we end up 44 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,959 Speaker 1: thinking that now we're a bad human Right, Maybe you've 45 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: even played around with boundaries. Maybe you've even tried to 46 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:10,359 Speaker 1: set boundaries. Then when you did it, it didn't feel good, right, 47 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,079 Speaker 1: It felt so uncomfortable, it felt so not like you. 48 00:03:14,919 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 1: And whenever it didn't feel like you, you then went 49 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 1: back on it. You let it go because it felt 50 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 1: so awkward, uncomfortable, difficult to maintain a boundary. Maybe when 51 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,360 Speaker 1: you've tried to set a boundary in the past, someone 52 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 1: put pressure on you, someone tried to break your boundary. 53 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 1: So this episode's dedicated to us figuring out how we 54 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:40,680 Speaker 1: can set better boundaries, how do we communicate those boundaries, 55 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:45,000 Speaker 1: and how do we hopefully not offend people in the process. Now, 56 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,360 Speaker 1: the first thing I'd like to do is, I'd like 57 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:52,280 Speaker 1: to redefine boundaries, just as we talked about redefining what 58 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,920 Speaker 1: it means to be a good human being, right, Like 59 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,840 Speaker 1: we do believe that a good human being knows how 60 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 1: to invest in themselves, a healthy human being knows how 61 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:08,160 Speaker 1: to have parameters, knows how to navigate awkward, uncomfortable conversations. 62 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,320 Speaker 1: That's what we'd aspire to be like. But we also 63 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 1: have to redefine what boundaries are. Listen to this carefully. 64 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:22,000 Speaker 1: Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what 65 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:26,760 Speaker 1: we want or don't want from others. Let me say 66 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:31,560 Speaker 1: that again. Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, 67 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:36,919 Speaker 1: not what we want or don't want from others. So 68 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,840 Speaker 1: many times when people are speaking about boundaries, what they're 69 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:45,160 Speaker 1: really doing is setting rules that they want others to 70 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: live by. They're setting a list of to dos for 71 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,680 Speaker 1: others to follow. They're setting a list of don't for 72 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 1: others to stand by. This is a recipe for failure. 73 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:08,200 Speaker 1: If your boundary is about controlling someone else's actions or hoping, wishing, wanting, 74 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:14,920 Speaker 1: waiting for them to do something differently, that is pretty 75 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,360 Speaker 1: near impossible. The reason I say that is so many 76 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,600 Speaker 1: of us are setting boundaries that are like, next time 77 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,160 Speaker 1: this happens, can you please not do this? Next time 78 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 1: this happens, can you not do this now? I'm not 79 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,320 Speaker 1: saying that we shouldn't try that. I'm just saying that 80 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: that doesn't really set a boundary, because that's trying to 81 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:38,120 Speaker 1: set a boundary to protect you from someone else, and 82 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:43,280 Speaker 1: actually a true boundary is protecting you from yourself. Let 83 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:47,200 Speaker 1: me say that again. We think boundaries are about protecting 84 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:52,560 Speaker 1: us from other people, but boundaries are actually about protecting 85 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:59,920 Speaker 1: ourselves from ourselves. We can't control anyone else's actions, can 86 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:05,159 Speaker 1: control our own. Boundaries are to protect yourself from your 87 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:10,200 Speaker 1: own triggers, not stop someone else from behaving a certain way, 88 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:14,280 Speaker 1: because you can't guarantee that. So let me give you 89 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:18,760 Speaker 1: an example of a boundary that may fail. I'm going 90 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:22,840 Speaker 1: to tell my friends to not invite me out after 91 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:27,600 Speaker 1: eight pm. Now I may say that, but here's what 92 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:31,719 Speaker 1: will likely happen. Maybe they'll forget and they'll invite me anyway. 93 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,840 Speaker 1: Maybe they'll go out one day at seven forty five, 94 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,159 Speaker 1: not invite me, and then I'll fill some fomo and 95 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 1: feel well. I wish they invite me, I said eight not. 96 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:46,160 Speaker 1: You know right. It gets messy. But a healthy boundary 97 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,279 Speaker 1: is this. For example, if I get invited out on 98 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:55,719 Speaker 1: a weekday after eight pm, I'll decline. You're protecting yourself. 99 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 1: You're setting yourself up for something you can control, something 100 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:03,599 Speaker 1: you're in charge of. If my friends asked me to 101 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:07,159 Speaker 1: drink on a night out, I'll choose something non alcoholic. 102 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,240 Speaker 1: Now I've been in that place when I transitioned from 103 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,600 Speaker 1: drinking alcohol to not drinking alcohol. I remember struggling to 104 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:17,640 Speaker 1: tell my friends about my change. I did it fairly young, 105 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,320 Speaker 1: and so I was scared about how I'd be perceived. 106 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,080 Speaker 1: I thought I'd be seen as someone who didn't fit 107 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,320 Speaker 1: in or someone who is different now, and so it 108 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,320 Speaker 1: was really hard for me to tell them that. And 109 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:34,160 Speaker 1: what I realized was if I set a boundary for them, 110 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,760 Speaker 1: they may forget, or they may not forget. Maybe they're 111 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,920 Speaker 1: drunk when they're asking me to have a drink, so 112 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,960 Speaker 1: they're not in their right state of mind. Right, It's 113 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,240 Speaker 1: not always going to be clear cut, but I need 114 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,560 Speaker 1: to set boundaries for myself. I remember when I made 115 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:52,120 Speaker 1: that transition. I started saying to a lot of my friends, Hey, like, 116 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 1: I'd love to go hang out in a restaurant, let's 117 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,680 Speaker 1: avoid a club or a bar or whatever it may be. 118 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,120 Speaker 1: That was a boundary I was setting that That's how 119 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 1: I spend my time. So these are all if this, 120 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:11,520 Speaker 1: then that scenarios? What are your if scenarios? Right? If 121 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,200 Speaker 1: I get invited out on a weekday, if my friends 122 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 1: ask me to drink, if this happens, then that, what 123 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:22,840 Speaker 1: are your if scenarios that you find are leading to behaviors, 124 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:27,960 Speaker 1: are leading to behaviors that break boundaries that you're trying 125 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,360 Speaker 1: to set. Maybe you're trying to follow a certain diet, 126 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,959 Speaker 1: Maybe you're trying to follow a certain workout. Maybe you're 127 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,080 Speaker 1: in a state right now where you're trying to choose 128 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:40,840 Speaker 1: going out instead of staying in, or staying in instead 129 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:45,320 Speaker 1: of going out. What are your if scenarios and what 130 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:49,840 Speaker 1: is your solution if this, then that this is a 131 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,640 Speaker 1: great rule to make for your mind, so that your 132 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:56,280 Speaker 1: mind doesn't have to look at every situation as unique 133 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 1: and different. So often, if we just play it case 134 00:08:59,559 --> 00:09:02,520 Speaker 1: by k and we don't set these rules for ourselves, 135 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 1: we end up falling at the first hurdle. Now, the 136 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:12,439 Speaker 1: second thing I want to say is sorry, I can't 137 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:16,560 Speaker 1: make it. Won't be possible for me this time. I 138 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:23,040 Speaker 1: have another commitment. These three are perfect sentences. They're all 139 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:28,200 Speaker 1: fully okay to communicate. What we often do when we're 140 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,880 Speaker 1: trying to communicate our boundaries is we often over explain 141 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:37,080 Speaker 1: and overcompensate, thinking it helps, but often it opens a 142 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,880 Speaker 1: can of worms. Now, if you know someone really, really well, 143 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,960 Speaker 1: and you have a priority in your life, you should 144 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,719 Speaker 1: communicate that priority. I, Hey, you know what, from now on, 145 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,960 Speaker 1: I'm not really trying to go out after eight pm 146 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,280 Speaker 1: or weekdays, I'm trying to get in early night. I'm 147 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,760 Speaker 1: trying to make sure that I get that sleep. I 148 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:56,080 Speaker 1: just wanted you to know that because I didn't want 149 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:57,959 Speaker 1: you to think I was a messaging you. Right, that's 150 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,520 Speaker 1: a great, great thing to say, But often what we 151 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:06,640 Speaker 1: do is we try and over explain and overcompensate for everything. 152 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,360 Speaker 1: So when instead of saying sorry, I can't make it, 153 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,880 Speaker 1: we do one or two things. We don't say anything 154 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,559 Speaker 1: up until the last minute, where we then say sorry 155 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:19,439 Speaker 1: I can't make it and we feel terrible, or we 156 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:25,120 Speaker 1: send a long winded explanation trying to justify a choice. Now, 157 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:30,720 Speaker 1: there's a difference between justifying your choice to yourself and 158 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:36,040 Speaker 1: communicating outwardly to someone else. Most of us are still 159 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 1: trying to convince ourselves of our boundary, so we end 160 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,839 Speaker 1: up sending a message that sounds like something you should 161 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:46,720 Speaker 1: say to yourself and your head, that doesn't communicate effectively 162 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,520 Speaker 1: to someone out there. Right, have you ever done that before? 163 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:52,320 Speaker 1: Where Like, for example, I'm just keep taking the same 164 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,640 Speaker 1: example because it's something I started with, but it's like 165 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,920 Speaker 1: I start saying, you know, I've realized that when I 166 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,520 Speaker 1: go out on a weekday, I feel like I don't 167 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,400 Speaker 1: get good enough sleep, I feel like I don't work out. 168 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 1: The next day, I find like I end up eating 169 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,440 Speaker 1: things that aren't healthy for me, and so I've realized 170 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 1: that I need to stay in. Now that's your own 171 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 1: thought process, and that may or may not be useful 172 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,680 Speaker 1: to someone else. Them knowing that you can't make it 173 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,960 Speaker 1: won't work out this time, it's probably enough. If they're 174 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,440 Speaker 1: a close friend, you may tell them about your principle. 175 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:27,079 Speaker 1: But sometimes what we end up saying sounds like we're preaching. 176 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,160 Speaker 1: It sounds like we're saying an opinion of what we believe. 177 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,200 Speaker 1: And now that person's thinking, yeah, I get that, but 178 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,640 Speaker 1: I actually love going out or whatever. It may be right, 179 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:40,360 Speaker 1: and it triggers a whole conversation, and it often triggers 180 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,280 Speaker 1: something in them as well, where it sounds like you're 181 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,640 Speaker 1: saying something and then you're like, oh, no, no, I 182 00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:45,280 Speaker 1: didn't mean it to you. I just want this for me, 183 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:49,600 Speaker 1: and then it goes on and on and on. Hey everyone, 184 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,160 Speaker 1: it's Jay here. My wife and I have had so 185 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:56,079 Speaker 1: much fun creating our own sparkling tea Juni, and I've 186 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,720 Speaker 1: got big news for you. It's at Target and we 187 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,960 Speaker 1: love your support. If you can go out grab a Juny, 188 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 1: You'll be adding adaptagens and new tropics into your life 189 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: with mood boosting properties aimed at promoting a balanced and 190 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,040 Speaker 1: happy mind. Through our commitment to our wellness journey and 191 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,679 Speaker 1: striving to fuel our bodies with the healthiest ingredients, It's 192 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,760 Speaker 1: been our purpose to make healthy choices accessible for all, 193 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 1: which is why Juni is now on shelves at Target. 194 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,080 Speaker 1: So head to our store locator at Drinkjuny dot com 195 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:32,840 Speaker 1: and find Juny at a Target near you. Now, the 196 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:39,040 Speaker 1: third point is really important here. How can you be honest? Kind? 197 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:44,720 Speaker 1: And this is the most important part. Empathetic to their reaction. 198 00:12:45,679 --> 00:12:48,080 Speaker 1: I think a lot of the times we think that 199 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:52,040 Speaker 1: we want others to fully understand our values, to fully 200 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:55,840 Speaker 1: understand our approach, to almost celebrate it. We want someone 201 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,760 Speaker 1: to say, Wow, that's amazing, good for you, And sometimes 202 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,200 Speaker 1: they may say, oh, you're such a right now, I'm 203 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,199 Speaker 1: not saying that that's a nice thing for someone to say. 204 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,360 Speaker 1: I'm not saying that I agree with that I know 205 00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 1: that you know it's not comfortable hearing that. And again, 206 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 1: I'm not telling you to tolerate someone's bad behavior. But 207 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: what I am saying is that it's okay to recognize 208 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: that someone else has their own values about a similar situation. 209 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,160 Speaker 1: And often we can get so lost in like now, 210 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:29,600 Speaker 1: being critical of someone's reaction, that we're stealing a great 211 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: time from ourselves. Right, So many of us spend more 212 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:37,680 Speaker 1: time criticizing how someone behaves with us than creating opportunities 213 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,200 Speaker 1: to have a great time. How many times have you 214 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:45,760 Speaker 1: sat there, complained, criticized, and compared instead of focusing on 215 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:50,240 Speaker 1: creating a great evening? And I would encourage you to 216 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,360 Speaker 1: be empathetic and be open to the idea that people 217 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:57,120 Speaker 1: may not agree with you. That's very likely someone may 218 00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:01,880 Speaker 1: debate you. That's very likely. Expectation of well, they should 219 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:05,880 Speaker 1: just understand is actually going to cause us more stress. 220 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:09,320 Speaker 1: So now I've started to realize I'm going to be honest, kind, 221 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,240 Speaker 1: and empathetic with my response, but I don't have an 222 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:16,600 Speaker 1: expectation of how I want that person to respond. I've 223 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:20,520 Speaker 1: realized that humans are just so complex. We're so layered, 224 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,880 Speaker 1: all of us, including me, and I have no idea 225 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:28,800 Speaker 1: what the context of this conversation is for that individual 226 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,280 Speaker 1: as they hear it. Even if I think I know them, 227 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,480 Speaker 1: I don't know what they went through right now at 228 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,920 Speaker 1: this millisecond. And therefore, because of I don't know what's 229 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,760 Speaker 1: happening in this particular second of their life, I'm going 230 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:44,520 Speaker 1: to be empathetic to how they process this, and I'm 231 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:47,640 Speaker 1: not going to have an expectation on how they should 232 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,680 Speaker 1: have processed this or how I would process this. We 233 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 1: often do this thing where we project how we process 234 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,680 Speaker 1: things onto people, and when they don't act in that way, 235 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,120 Speaker 1: I'm so surprised. We're thinking, well, why wouldn't you do that? 236 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: That's what I would have done. They're not you and 237 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:10,880 Speaker 1: you're not them. If someone doesn't act in the way 238 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:15,800 Speaker 1: you would or the way you think they should, remember this, 239 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 1: they're not you and you're not them. Most people are 240 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: not you. Most people don't think exactly the way you do. 241 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,800 Speaker 1: We live in a world where everyone has a different context, 242 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:37,080 Speaker 1: has a different background, has a different walk of life, 243 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 1: and because of that, we have to be open to 244 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 1: the idea that people behave in ways that we will 245 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:50,360 Speaker 1: never understand, never condone and never choose to act ourselves. Now, 246 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,760 Speaker 1: one of the reasons why we struggle with these conversations 247 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,600 Speaker 1: is when you try to say these things, you subconsciously 248 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 1: sound defensive because you subconsciously feel defensive, and that's actually 249 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:08,280 Speaker 1: what gets communicated in your tone. You're scared of it 250 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:13,000 Speaker 1: being perceived negatively. Because you perceive it negatively. There's a 251 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,880 Speaker 1: part of you that still believes they're not going out, 252 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,520 Speaker 1: not drinking, not eating. Whatever it is that you're trying 253 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,480 Speaker 1: to practice, there's a part of you that believes it's 254 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,160 Speaker 1: not the right thing. There's a part of you that 255 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:28,080 Speaker 1: believes it's uncool, it's untrendy, it's fatty, it's whatever it is. 256 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,320 Speaker 1: There's a part of you that believes that. And that's 257 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,200 Speaker 1: why you're scared to share it. And that's why when 258 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 1: someone actually says something about it, it triggers you because 259 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:42,040 Speaker 1: you felt it already. No one can trigger you. If 260 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,880 Speaker 1: you don't have the button to press already, right, If 261 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,880 Speaker 1: that button doesn't exist on you, no one can press 262 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,800 Speaker 1: that button. If someone can push that button, it means 263 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 1: that that button exists. Get that. So we're trying to 264 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,440 Speaker 1: get like, if you don't have an on and off button. 265 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,920 Speaker 1: You can't press it right, same with any trigger button. 266 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:07,080 Speaker 1: So here's an exercise. Here are three questions that we 267 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:12,119 Speaker 1: need to internalize when we're setting a boundary. We have 268 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,639 Speaker 1: to become more certain about our boundaries. They can't just 269 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,800 Speaker 1: be a rule that sounds good. They just can't be 270 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:20,280 Speaker 1: a list of things that we're going to follow. We 271 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:24,880 Speaker 1: have to actually think about them. The first question, what 272 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:30,760 Speaker 1: is the boundary protecting for you? Is it time? Why 273 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:35,239 Speaker 1: is time important? Why is that so precious? Is it 274 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:39,880 Speaker 1: a ideal that you're trying to practice. Is it a 275 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:44,040 Speaker 1: mindset you're trying to build? Why is that important? So? 276 00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:49,080 Speaker 1: What is the boundary protecting for you? Not protecting from you, 277 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:53,520 Speaker 1: but protecting for you? And why is that so important? 278 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:58,919 Speaker 1: Why is that thing so important? Two more questions, What 279 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,600 Speaker 1: happens when you don't follow that boundary? What happens if 280 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,520 Speaker 1: you don't follow that boundary? Tomorrow? You're gonna wake up? 281 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:08,639 Speaker 1: How are you going to feel? Fast forward future pace. 282 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,200 Speaker 1: This is called fast forward a future pace when you 283 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,960 Speaker 1: almost project yourself, beaming yourself into the future and said, 284 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,679 Speaker 1: how will my future self feel about this? How do 285 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 1: I know I'm likely to feel about this if I 286 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:24,680 Speaker 1: forego the boundary, and now let me do the opposite, 287 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,919 Speaker 1: how do I feel when I do follow through on 288 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:31,600 Speaker 1: the boundary. These three questions are a must for any 289 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,880 Speaker 1: of the big boundaries you want to set in your life. Now, 290 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:40,520 Speaker 1: the next step is planning a buffer. A lot of 291 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,560 Speaker 1: the time, when we finally set these boundaries, maybe you 292 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,000 Speaker 1: laminate your rules, right, you have them in your notes, 293 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 1: whatever you do for them. What ends up happening is 294 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 1: someone will catch you off guard, someone will surprise you. 295 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:56,080 Speaker 1: Someone will ask for something at the time you don't expect, 296 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:01,600 Speaker 1: and you'll be thinking, oh, oh, I'm not ready for this, right, 297 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,960 Speaker 1: I wasn't prepared for this. It's okay to ask for 298 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:09,680 Speaker 1: some time. It's okay to ask for some space. It's 299 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:13,719 Speaker 1: okay to say, yeah, let me get back to you, 300 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,280 Speaker 1: let me think about that. Oh, thanks so much, I 301 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,080 Speaker 1: appreciate it. Yeah, let me get back to you in 302 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,720 Speaker 1: a couple of days. It's so important to create that 303 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:25,760 Speaker 1: space for yourself and not feel pressure. And the best 304 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,679 Speaker 1: way to do it is, hey, I'll let you know 305 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,760 Speaker 1: in a couple of days. Right, I'll actually try and 306 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,200 Speaker 1: set a deadline for yourself. I think often when we 307 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,040 Speaker 1: don't set the deadline. We never say anything, and then 308 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:38,560 Speaker 1: that person does feel hurt and offended, and rightly so, 309 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,720 Speaker 1: because they don't know what's going on inside your head. 310 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,360 Speaker 1: So it's okay to ask for some time, to ask 311 00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:47,280 Speaker 1: for some space. Now, we haven't addressed how to have 312 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:50,920 Speaker 1: that uncomfortable conversation. And the more and more I speak 313 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,560 Speaker 1: to people personally or professionally, the more I hear how 314 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,760 Speaker 1: much we struggle with actually having these uncomfortable conversations because 315 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:01,080 Speaker 1: we've never been prepared for them. We've never been trained 316 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:05,359 Speaker 1: for them. So here's a few tips that help. The 317 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:11,760 Speaker 1: first one is observing others do uncomfortable things. Right, Observing 318 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:16,080 Speaker 1: real people do uncomfortable things, uncomfortable things that we encourage. 319 00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:18,480 Speaker 1: That would be a good idea. Right, If you can 320 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,920 Speaker 1: sit in or you can watch someone in the workplace 321 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:26,280 Speaker 1: do something uncomfortable, it allows you to understand how it 322 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,199 Speaker 1: was done well and how it was done badly. Now, 323 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,600 Speaker 1: if it's done well, our reactions usually I have no 324 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:35,440 Speaker 1: idea how you did that, And if you don't think 325 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,080 Speaker 1: it went well, you'd be thinking I don't know why 326 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,919 Speaker 1: you did that. Right, No, it's the difference your reaction 327 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,159 Speaker 1: when someone does something, well is I have no idea 328 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:47,000 Speaker 1: how you did that. And when someone didn't pull it off, well, 329 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,480 Speaker 1: I don't know why you did that. So we've got 330 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,160 Speaker 1: to look out for those moments in our life when 331 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,040 Speaker 1: we're thinking, how did you do that? And often what 332 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,760 Speaker 1: we do is we put people on a pedestal. We 333 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,960 Speaker 1: just assume you're special, you're smart, you have some gear 334 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,159 Speaker 1: if you learn something. The truth is, it's a muscle 335 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 1: that can be built. It's a skill that can be trained. 336 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,160 Speaker 1: It's a skill. It's a skill. It's a skill. The 337 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,320 Speaker 1: more and more I realized in life, everything you admire 338 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 1: in someone else is a skill. It's a skill that 339 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:19,240 Speaker 1: can be trained. It's a muscle that can be built. 340 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:25,680 Speaker 1: It's a life that you can live. We delude ourself 341 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:30,560 Speaker 1: by making ourselves believe that it's only possible for that 342 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:34,800 Speaker 1: person because of a certain set of circumstances, and we 343 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:39,880 Speaker 1: accept less for ourself. It's a skill that can be trained. 344 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:46,680 Speaker 1: So observing someone else do something uncomfortable, ask them questions. 345 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,640 Speaker 1: Even if you know they do it, maybe you haven't 346 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:52,520 Speaker 1: seen them do the interaction. Ask them. Maybe you know 347 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,879 Speaker 1: someone who's had to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations 348 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,240 Speaker 1: in their career. Sit down and ask them what they've 349 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:01,200 Speaker 1: learned through that process, why they've done that, how it's 350 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,960 Speaker 1: helped them, watch them do it, if they let you 351 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,359 Speaker 1: watch them, but be curious about them. And then at 352 00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 1: one point, we have to get to exposure therapy. Right, 353 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:15,720 Speaker 1: we have to start exposing ourselves to small, tiny, simple 354 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 1: actions of discomfort. Calling to cancel a dental appointment, calling 355 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:28,240 Speaker 1: to cancel a reservation at a restaurant, right, declining an 356 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,399 Speaker 1: invite to a friend's birthday, right, whatever it may be like. 357 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:35,080 Speaker 1: We need to expose ourselves to the smallest version of 358 00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:40,320 Speaker 1: it and then allow it to scale. Here's the harsh 359 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:44,399 Speaker 1: truth I have to share with you. People will be offended, 360 00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:50,399 Speaker 1: and that's okay. Use this as an opportunity to reset. 361 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,400 Speaker 1: A lot of the times people will say things like, oh, 362 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,040 Speaker 1: you used to always be around. What happened? Oh you 363 00:22:57,119 --> 00:23:00,400 Speaker 1: always used to be so much fun? What happened? Will 364 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,439 Speaker 1: say things like that, And often we sit there and go, 365 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:06,840 Speaker 1: why are they saying things like that? It's not bizarre. 366 00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:09,320 Speaker 1: That's how people are. They get used to a certain 367 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:12,879 Speaker 1: pattern of you, and now they want that pattern to 368 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:18,480 Speaker 1: be your reality. Forever. Use that as an opportunity to reset, 369 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,240 Speaker 1: reset who you are and reset who you're around, reset 370 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:27,240 Speaker 1: people's expectations of you. Right, we've all live in the 371 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,639 Speaker 1: world of expectations. People have built up an expectation about you, 372 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,840 Speaker 1: and maybe you've built up an expectation of someone else. 373 00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:35,240 Speaker 1: And this is a really important point too. Who in 374 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,199 Speaker 1: your life has been trying to set a boundary with 375 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,240 Speaker 1: you and you've been irked by it? Who's tried to 376 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,280 Speaker 1: set a boundary with you and you've been irked by 377 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,360 Speaker 1: It's so important to reflect on that because, by the way, 378 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,760 Speaker 1: this is happening both ways. There are people trying to 379 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,840 Speaker 1: set a boundary with me right now, and I may 380 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:54,240 Speaker 1: be rejecting it. I'm not giving them the empathy that 381 00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:58,960 Speaker 1: I would want. And boundaries will adapt, and that's okay, right, 382 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:02,280 Speaker 1: Boundaries will they'll change, they'll be flexible, and you will 383 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,560 Speaker 1: have to update people and they'll say, whoa, it sounds 384 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,920 Speaker 1: like you're changing every week right now? Right. They will 385 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:11,439 Speaker 1: say that predicting what people will say will protect you 386 00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:15,240 Speaker 1: from having the false expectation that they won't say it, 387 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,480 Speaker 1: expect it, predict it, project it, know that it's going 388 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:22,879 Speaker 1: to happen and therefore be prepared for it. Thank you 389 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,000 Speaker 1: so much for listening to on Purpose. I hope that 390 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,199 Speaker 1: you'll pass this on to a friend who may be 391 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,240 Speaker 1: struggling with setting boundaries, and I want you to remember this. 392 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:34,200 Speaker 1: I am forever in your corner and I'm always rooting 393 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,520 Speaker 1: for you. Thanks for listening. If you love this episode, 394 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,159 Speaker 1: you will also love my interview with Charles Douhig on 395 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,159 Speaker 1: how to hack your brain, change any habit effortlessly, and 396 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:48,960 Speaker 1: the secret to making better decisions. Look, am I hesitating 397 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,440 Speaker 1: on this because I'm scared of making the choice because 398 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:53,600 Speaker 1: I'm scared of doing the work, Or am I sitting 399 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:58,439 Speaker 1: with this because it just doesn't feel right yet? For 400 00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:01,960 Speaker 1: Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm partnering up with the National 401 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,119 Speaker 1: Alliance of Mental Illness NAME. If you or someone you 402 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,240 Speaker 1: know is struggling with mental health, there is help. Call 403 00:25:08,359 --> 00:25:12,560 Speaker 1: NAMI Helpline at eight hundred nine fifty NAMI, or go 404 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:17,040 Speaker 1: to www Dot name dot org, forward slash help, or 405 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:21,080 Speaker 1: text Helpline to six two six four zero for immediate 406 00:25:21,119 --> 00:25:24,240 Speaker 1: twenty four to seven crisis support. Call your text nine 407 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:29,359 Speaker 1: eight eight or visit www dot nine eight eight lifeline 408 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:30,160 Speaker 1: dot org.