Speaker 1: I am a younger your host for this journey. I
Speaker 1: was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get
Speaker 1: my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks
Speaker 1: and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love
Speaker 1: is and what it is not. I want to share
Speaker 1: some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. One of the most challenging relationship
Speaker 1: issues that I personally have ever bumped into is learning
Speaker 1: how to shift my relationship with my children and from
Speaker 1: being their mother, their mom who's got to fix everything
Speaker 1: and make it okay, to learning how to parent an adult.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, because as the mom, I don't know
Speaker 1: how to let go, and quite frankly, I don't want
Speaker 1: to let go because even though they've grown people, they're
Speaker 1: still gonna be my children. But mother's there comes a
Speaker 1: time when you have to realize that is not your baby,
Speaker 1: that is not your little pooky poo. This is a
Speaker 1: grown a person and you have to learn how to
Speaker 1: be in relationship with an adult, and that can be hard.
Speaker 1: My first caller is dealing with just that. Greetings beloved,
Speaker 1: welcome to the ourt spot when we talk about all
Speaker 1: things relationships. So how can I support you today? It
Speaker 1: is so awful to speak. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: taken time to speak to me. Oh well, thank you
Speaker 1: for taking the time to call. Yes, ma'am, I called
Speaker 1: because I long story short, I had a mental health
Speaker 1: issue while working and ended up relocated to move with
Speaker 1: with my son. He was He's always been my angel.
Speaker 1: He was an absolute angel to offered me to come
Speaker 1: and live with him, myself and my two dogs. So
Speaker 1: I've been here about six six months, and I feel
Speaker 1: bad because I've gotten out of the darkness where I was.
Speaker 1: I would not I truly believe I would not be
Speaker 1: alive if he and his girlfriend had not extended their
Speaker 1: hands out to me to come spend time with them
Speaker 1: and my two year old grand daughters. So it's been
Speaker 1: a blessing. And I know that I haven't been much
Speaker 1: of or I don't feel like I'm much of a
Speaker 1: blessing because I have been moody. It's a lot losing
Speaker 1: everything I was on medication and things that were making
Speaker 1: me cognitively different. So a lot of things happen, and
Speaker 1: they've supported me and stayed with me throughout all this time,
Speaker 1: So for that, I am forever grateful. As I'm getting
Speaker 1: better mentally and physically or more clear, I'll say that
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm stuck in just beating myself up,
Speaker 1: which in turn comes out in an argument with him
Speaker 1: a lot of times. I don't know if it's because
Speaker 1: he expects me to be probably much better than I am.
Speaker 1: He's been patient, it's taken a while, my self esteem
Speaker 1: has been going. It's just rebuilding myself altogether. So I
Speaker 1: called because I'm trying to figure out how to save
Speaker 1: the relationship with my son, like that's the one relationship
Speaker 1: on this planet that means everything to me. So I
Speaker 1: don't want to ruin it to where we aren't talking.
Speaker 1: I don't want to ruin it to where where I'm
Speaker 1: being disrespectful, which I am sometimes because I get so
Speaker 1: angry and frustrated. We've always been close and able to
Speaker 1: understand each other. That's just not working out like that now.
Speaker 1: I just don't want to ruin it. You said you're
Speaker 1: angry and frustrated, and that leads to an argument. I'm
Speaker 1: angry at myself and I'm frustrated with the situation. It's
Speaker 1: like I don't have money coming in. I've always been independent,
Speaker 1: taking care of people, so this is the first time
Speaker 1: I've had to learn how to ask for help, and
Speaker 1: that's been one of the most difficult things. So the
Speaker 1: anger that I end up having. I think you posted
Speaker 1: today about um from your book about being angry with
Speaker 1: yourself and frustrated. That hit home a lot of times.
Speaker 1: Whatever you post seems like you're posting it for me,
Speaker 1: so it's like she knows we're in the sync, but
Speaker 1: I am. It's all for you, my love. I'm blessed.
Speaker 1: I'm blessed, but I'm just I'm so frustrated. I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm able to come up with a business, but
Speaker 1: I need money. And then I feel like I can
Speaker 1: do this, but I need money. And I feel like
Speaker 1: I can do that, but I need money. I feel
Speaker 1: like I don't know how to get back on my
Speaker 1: feet the way the old Christie used to and it's
Speaker 1: frustrating with that. And like I said, I don't want
Speaker 1: to lose my relationship with my son, his girlfriend, and
Speaker 1: especially my granddaughter. So I know now from taking your
Speaker 1: flask especially and through prayer every day or throughout the day,
Speaker 1: that I'm further out of the darkness than I was,
Speaker 1: but sometimes the clutches seem like it's still right there,
Speaker 1: and I don't want to I'm working hard to not
Speaker 1: go back that way, but out of everything in life,
Speaker 1: I don't want to lose the relationship with him. Wow. Sorry,
Speaker 1: no need to be sorry, but loving. It sounds like
Speaker 1: you've been through a lot. Yeah, yes, news, So just
Speaker 1: a couple of questions to help me point you in
Speaker 1: the right direction. Because I started writing it down and
Speaker 1: I got up to nine nine times you said, I
Speaker 1: don't want, I don't want, I don't want, I don't want. Well,
Speaker 1: what do you want a lot of things. I want
Speaker 1: to have the love between our souther and I again.
Speaker 1: I want a great relationship with him, or at least
Speaker 1: a good relationship of solid, peaceful with his family, his girlfriend,
Speaker 1: my son, and my granddaughter. I want to feed back
Speaker 1: on my feet. I want to be successful at helping others.
Speaker 1: I want to be happy. I want to be healthy.
Speaker 1: I want to be just on solid ground. Okay, So
Speaker 1: do you love your son absolutely? Does he love you, yes, ma'am? Okay,
Speaker 1: So then why are you worried about that? Because we
Speaker 1: argue well and I'm going through a divorce and all that,
Speaker 1: so I feel like he's just it's it's a lot
Speaker 1: that like you said, it's a lot, and I don't
Speaker 1: know how to change. You. Well, the first thing you
Speaker 1: can do is make a commitment not to argue. That's
Speaker 1: the first thing. Listening. You know, it's hard for mom
Speaker 1: because we always see particularly our sons as boys, you know,
Speaker 1: And right now you're in a relationship with a grown
Speaker 1: man who has been a support system for you, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because you're parenting an adult. So even if you had
Speaker 1: never been in this situation where you had to be
Speaker 1: dependent upon him or you know, moving with him or whatever,
Speaker 1: even if you had never been in that situation, you
Speaker 1: would still be parenting an adult. So you have to
Speaker 1: treat him like he's a grown a man, not like
Speaker 1: he's your son and he should or shouldn't. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense, Yeah, because you're still talking to him like
Speaker 1: he under your roof and he ain't under your roof. Right?
Speaker 1: What are some of his good qualities that you see
Speaker 1: in love and are proud of. He's amazing, he's loving,
Speaker 1: he's a great listener, he is inquisitive. I guess with me,
Speaker 1: the word he's always trying to figure things out and
Speaker 1: reaching for his goals. And he's a strong man. He's
Speaker 1: always been intelligent and smart and handsome and full of
Speaker 1: joy and happiness and forgiveness. And who raised him? Who
Speaker 1: raised him? How did he get that way? I did,
Speaker 1: and and my milut Okay, Yes, so you look at
Speaker 1: this young man not as your son who should be
Speaker 1: or shouldn't be, or might have or whatever. You look
Speaker 1: at him as a man who's serving and supporting you.
Speaker 1: That's one way to stop the arguments. Yes, when you
Speaker 1: get angry or frustrated. You know, one of the things
Speaker 1: I teach my students is how to pivot. Because if
Speaker 1: he says something that the mother and you think he
Speaker 1: shouldn't be saying to you, because I'm assuming that's how
Speaker 1: your arguments come about, would that be accurate? When he
Speaker 1: says something or ask something or is with you away
Speaker 1: that the mother in you thinks is out of line,
Speaker 1: you have to remember, wait a minute, this is a loving, accomplished,
Speaker 1: curious young man, a great listener who's serving and supporting me.
Speaker 1: Let me pivot from being a mother and stand as
Speaker 1: an elder woman, because you're still an elder woman and
Speaker 1: it may be something as simple as I hear you.
Speaker 1: I can't respond right now, but I hear you. Let
Speaker 1: me get back to you so that you have a
Speaker 1: chance to walk away and become the woman and not
Speaker 1: the mother. Put the mother in the closet with some
Speaker 1: knitt needles and tell her to sitting there in the
Speaker 1: dark and knit you something. Tell her to knit you
Speaker 1: a blanket with black wool in the dark. It will
Speaker 1: take her a while. Put the mother away because you're
Speaker 1: getting the creating problems. She is she is. You gotta
Speaker 1: pivot from that, and then another thing is like I said,
Speaker 1: I counted nine. You may have said more. Start creating
Speaker 1: your vision for what you want and share that vision
Speaker 1: with him. I know I've been here six months. It's
Speaker 1: been great, but it's time for me to move on.
Speaker 1: This is my vision, this is what I want to do.
Speaker 1: Here's some good news for you. I heard you say
Speaker 1: you want to do this, but you don't have money.
Speaker 1: You want to do that, but you don't have money. Well,
Speaker 1: if money is the only problem, then we don't have
Speaker 1: a problem. And you said that in your class, But
Speaker 1: I did thet I did it, but I did it
Speaker 1: for passing the mental health Licensure exam and I didn't pass,
Speaker 1: but I didn't get angry. I got down for a
Speaker 1: day or two. I questioned, like, why didn't it work?
Speaker 1: But I'm sure you know God is gonna work and
Speaker 1: I when it's supposed to. But what wall I wait
Speaker 1: a minute, hold on, hold on, let's not bypass staff.
Speaker 1: You have a mental health issue that you haven't fully
Speaker 1: accepted or healed and you're taking them tests for mental
Speaker 1: health licensure. No, that's what I want food for. But
Speaker 1: you can do it. But the thing is, you still
Speaker 1: got shame and guilt and anger about the fact that
Speaker 1: you had a mental health issue. Goodness, clean it up
Speaker 1: and you pass the tests. I tell you, as human beings,
Speaker 1: we are just so wonderful, ain't we wonderful? And we
Speaker 1: are wonderful. You still got shame and guilt and anger
Speaker 1: about your own mental health issue, and you want to
Speaker 1: go get licensed to help people with their mental health issue.
Speaker 1: The universe ain't gonna put up with that. Well, I
Speaker 1: wanted to get license. I can be both to all
Speaker 1: the jobs that are out there where I can get money.
Speaker 1: But that's the other problem. Wait a minute, did you
Speaker 1: do abundance you did my abundance classes. I did the class, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: And what was the first thing I said to you?
Speaker 1: The first thing I said to you is you are
Speaker 1: not doing this for money. Do you recall me saying that?
Speaker 1: How many times did I say it? With fifty? Okay, See,
Speaker 1: you're doing it for the money. You're not doing it
Speaker 1: for the love. You're not doing it for the joy.
Speaker 1: You're doing it for the money. And because you took
Speaker 1: that class and you know too much, the universe is
Speaker 1: not supporting you and being out of integrity. Interesting. If
Speaker 1: you don't love mental health work, if you don't love
Speaker 1: serving people, if you don't love serving God first, you'll
Speaker 1: never pass that test. Okay, but I do. Okay, So, yes,
Speaker 1: my mental health is not stable enough to be in
Speaker 1: the field. Yes, I do want to work in the field,
Speaker 1: and believe I'm supposed to be in the field in
Speaker 1: some capacity to help others. But at the same time,
Speaker 1: the way that I saw to get from point A
Speaker 1: to point beer to get a job in mental health,
Speaker 1: because there's how you're paid, and you know, working at
Speaker 1: public or McDonald. Back to the money, you're back to
Speaker 1: the money. Okay. Well, I'm not saying no money, you're saying,
Speaker 1: don't focus on the money at all, right, because money
Speaker 1: is not my supply. No person, place, or thing is
Speaker 1: my supply. Do you know what I'm speaking to you
Speaker 1: right now? Yes, ma'am. What am I speaking to you
Speaker 1: right now? Speaking from that's number five? Yes, yes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: your favorite one. Money is not my supply. No purpose
Speaker 1: and place or thing is my supply. What is my supply.
Speaker 1: My supply is my knowledge, my connection, my intimate relationship
Speaker 1: with the all providing source within me. That's my supply.
Speaker 1: So the same source can help you clean up the anger,
Speaker 1: the shame of frustration about having a crisis, a mental
Speaker 1: health crisis. You have to clean that up. I had
Speaker 1: a mental health issue and I'm ashamed of it because
Speaker 1: I had a mental health issue, and that makes me
Speaker 1: feel You know, you got more tools than have the
Speaker 1: people on the planet, and you're still talking like you
Speaker 1: don't know nothing. Will number five? Get number five and
Speaker 1: you work number five. So if money is not your supply,
Speaker 1: no person, place, or thing is your supply. What you
Speaker 1: have to do then is tap into the all providing
Speaker 1: source of infinite prosperity, the all providing source of infinite
Speaker 1: prosperity will support your son so that he can support you.
Speaker 1: The all providing source of infinite prosperity will guide you
Speaker 1: as as to what to do. The all providing source,
Speaker 1: not a person, not your son, not the people that
Speaker 1: are going to hire you, The all providing source of
Speaker 1: infinite prosperity. And we'll talk about that when we come back.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to
Speaker 1: the conversation. Did you do your prosperity tree? I did
Speaker 1: my prosperity tree. And what's in the roots? What's in
Speaker 1: the roots? Yeah, what's in the roots of your prosperity tree.
Speaker 1: The roots are I am a loving and lovable person.
Speaker 1: I am resourceful. I probably I don't have to I
Speaker 1: have this one. I have the one on my cabin
Speaker 1: I knew I wanted to say more. I just didn't.
Speaker 1: I guess either know how or didn't take the time
Speaker 1: to sit there and beat my head to come up
Speaker 1: with it. If that's your prosperity tree, then what you
Speaker 1: have to do is put in the roots. Remember your
Speaker 1: I am this, You put that in the roots of
Speaker 1: what it is you desire. The first thing I am hold,
Speaker 1: I am healed. I am healthy, I am mentally stable
Speaker 1: and capable. I am filled with gratitude, I am filled
Speaker 1: with light, I am filled with readiness. I am willing
Speaker 1: to re enter the world. I am a brand new person,
Speaker 1: this man. But until you heal up that shame and
Speaker 1: that anger about the mental health issues. I shouldn't have
Speaker 1: done this. I shouldn't be feeling this way. This shouldn't
Speaker 1: happened to me. You got any of that going on?
Speaker 1: And where does that go? Where are you supposed to
Speaker 1: put those things? I know where does it go? Because
Speaker 1: it also caused what I feel is like a psychosis
Speaker 1: where it's crazy, it's insane. No, isn't not supposed to
Speaker 1: be in your root, in your I don't have it.
Speaker 1: I don't have it in my tree. Oh my Lord,
Speaker 1: have mercy. Go to the mirror and slap the first
Speaker 1: person that shows up. Well, what is it in your tree? Oh?
Speaker 1: My goodness, your tree? So let me just say this
Speaker 1: for love it. First of all, stop looking at this beautiful, loving, accomplished,
Speaker 1: supportive young man as your little boy. This is a
Speaker 1: grown a man. Okay, treat him as such. Put the
Speaker 1: mother in the closet. She don't have nothing to say,
Speaker 1: leave her right in there. That's number one. Number two,
Speaker 1: get busy creating your vision. Your son loves you, You
Speaker 1: love your son. All relationships have difficulty, But get busy
Speaker 1: creating your vision and stop talking about what you don't
Speaker 1: have and focus on what you desire. So you just
Speaker 1: created and it just comes out of nowhere. I'm not
Speaker 1: supposed to know how it's gonna happen. No control freak,
Speaker 1: you're not. Let me just call you out right now,
Speaker 1: that's what? Okay? I got it? Yeah, and what were
Speaker 1: you saying? The therapist can't figure out what it's insane? Right,
Speaker 1: I couldn't figure out any of it. I can't figure
Speaker 1: out how to get myself out of the hole because
Speaker 1: you're punishing yourself for going in the hole in the
Speaker 1: first place. Absolutely I can see that. So start here.
Speaker 1: I forgive myself for believing I lost control. I forgive
Speaker 1: myself for believing a mental health issues bad or wrong.
Speaker 1: I forgive myself for being weak. I forgive myself a
Speaker 1: falling apart. I forgive myself for believing I shouldn't be weak.
Speaker 1: I forgive myself for believing I shouldn't fall apart. I
Speaker 1: forgive myself for judging myself. It's wrong or bad. I
Speaker 1: forgive myself for believing this should not be happening to me.
Speaker 1: Why don't you start there? Yes, am, start with some
Speaker 1: forgiveness work. Principal number five. You need to be able
Speaker 1: to say it backwards and forwards in the dark, with
Speaker 1: your eyes closed, naked, standing on one foot, but not
Speaker 1: in the closet with mama with the needles and the
Speaker 1: black woo. No, you don't talk to her. Don't talk
Speaker 1: to her, don't talk to her at all. She is
Speaker 1: a problem. I'm telling you leave helone, leave her in
Speaker 1: the closet. And every time you get ready to open
Speaker 1: your mouth and argue what your son say, let me go, nit,
Speaker 1: let me go niit, let me go knit, pivot and
Speaker 1: create the vision or the tree however you want to
Speaker 1: do it, beloved, not focusing on the money, but focusing
Speaker 1: on rebuilding your life, and ask the Holy Spirit to come.
Speaker 1: You know how to do that. I'll do that all
Speaker 1: day long. I do show me my next most appropriate STAPs.
Speaker 1: But the Holy Spirit can't show you. If you're still angry,
Speaker 1: if you're judging yourself for what happened, maybe you just
Speaker 1: needed the rest. Maybe you needed to learn how to
Speaker 1: ask for support. Could be who knows, Yes, but you
Speaker 1: need to fix your tree. Yes, ma'am, I'm gonna fix
Speaker 1: I'm gonna redo my tree. Yeah, please do Okay, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Leave mama in the closet, do some forgiveness work and
Speaker 1: call me in six weeks and let me know if
Speaker 1: things are better, we'll call you. Okay. Now, I appreciate you.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. You got work to do. Go
Speaker 1: do the work by Yes, ma'am, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Have a good alright, my love. Changing the established pattern
Speaker 1: and a parent child relationship can be extremely difficult, and
Speaker 1: my caller needs to give herself some grace in order
Speaker 1: to realize that it's okay to let things change and
Speaker 1: that there's no need for her to always be in control.
Speaker 1: It's never easy. We'll talk more about it when we
Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back. I am the online Today we're
Speaker 1: talking about what happens in the parent child relationship when
Speaker 1: the dynamics change. A changing parent child relationship is always
Speaker 1: going to lead to difficult conversations. In my next caller's case,
Speaker 1: becoming an unexpected parent to four grandchildren after the loss
Speaker 1: of her daughter might be the hardest thing she's ever
Speaker 1: had to navigate, but I believe she's going to get
Speaker 1: through it. We'll find out how together. Good afternoon, beloved,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the artspoct What is the challenge is should
Speaker 1: question that you want to place on the floor today?
Speaker 1: Good afternoon. I am trying to find out how to
Speaker 1: establish relationships. My daughter was murdered in a killing, a
Speaker 1: murder suicide last summer in June with the children's father
Speaker 1: killed her and he killed himself. They have four kids,
Speaker 1: three under five and one ten year old, all by
Speaker 1: same father. I'm the legal maternal grandmother and his family
Speaker 1: has just walked away. Is that the kids no longer exist.
Speaker 1: So I am trying to find out how can I
Speaker 1: stopt its relationship, even with his parents, so that they
Speaker 1: can be a part of the grand certain FLFE because
Speaker 1: that's been June of last year and it just feel
Speaker 1: like the kids have went under radar on the best
Speaker 1: side of the family. Yes, yes, oh Mama, I feel
Speaker 1: your heart, Oh Jesus, yes, yes, My three babies have
Speaker 1: development delays and disability. So I'm fighting a whole lot
Speaker 1: of things right now, but I need to support of
Speaker 1: that side of the family so that I can continue
Speaker 1: to live in you know, not break down. So the
Speaker 1: real question, the real question is how do you get
Speaker 1: the children's father's family to support you in their upbringing? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the real question, yes, ma'am. All right, So you
Speaker 1: said this happened last June. Yeah, this was June eighteenth.
Speaker 1: It's not even been a year yet, but it has
Speaker 1: been hard. It's been really hard, I know, mam. Yeah, wow,
Speaker 1: that's ma'am. So you're still grieving. I have to grieve
Speaker 1: in inferment because I'm a full time worker. Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1: It spurts, Yes, man, Can I ask you this? How
Speaker 1: did you get the children? Did you take them where
Speaker 1: they've given to you? Did you? How did you get
Speaker 1: the children? So, but that's a fight as well. Actually,
Speaker 1: when all this happened, and wanted the crime scene, the
Speaker 1: kids were there, and the police should say, well who's
Speaker 1: taking the kids? Because they didn't want them take him
Speaker 1: into DFS custody, which I wish they would have been
Speaker 1: for evaluations. So Grandpa took the kids his dad because
Speaker 1: I was grieve, I was shocked, but I'm being in
Speaker 1: honest with you. Two weeks later, when he started saying,
Speaker 1: you know, we couldn't see the kids. I ran to
Speaker 1: the courthouse and and said, okay, I need to get
Speaker 1: an attorney because he hadn't seen his son in two years,
Speaker 1: so there was no relationship there, so I can't just
Speaker 1: you can't come in and just take kids that don't
Speaker 1: know you. Yeah, but he don't. Happened about two weeks.
Speaker 1: As soon as I buried my daughter, those kids is
Speaker 1: back in my house and they've been in me ever since.
Speaker 1: I didn't have to fight because none of them showed
Speaker 1: up their court They didn't short the courts for the kids.
Speaker 1: It was just me and the attorney. So I am
Speaker 1: now the illegal guardians. So there was no relationship between
Speaker 1: the children's father and his father. Was he in relationship
Speaker 1: with his mother? Yes, yeah, he had a relationship with
Speaker 1: with his mom, that's who he was closest to. He
Speaker 1: didn't have a relationship with his dad. Okay, so how
Speaker 1: come she didn't show up? Do you know why? Well,
Speaker 1: she only wanted the oldest girl because she's teen and
Speaker 1: she don't have any disabilities. This exactly what she told police.
Speaker 1: She did not want the other three kids because they
Speaker 1: were special and they are specially my baby, and the
Speaker 1: judge said, no, you cannot say you want to take
Speaker 1: one child and not all four. Okay, well you're not
Speaker 1: asking her to take them, you're asking for support. So
Speaker 1: let's let's be clear about that. Yes, that's all just support.
Speaker 1: Have you reached out to them, yes, uh, but Granddad's
Speaker 1: kind of hard. But we have talked Grandma every time
Speaker 1: I reach out, even like for a weekend or it's
Speaker 1: just always an excuse as to why she cannot get
Speaker 1: the children. And I know it has a lot to do,
Speaker 1: but she don't think the three younger babies are her
Speaker 1: sons children, but all four children are his kids. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean there's a way to resolve that. And you
Speaker 1: can ask her if she'd be willing to have a
Speaker 1: DNA test because the DNA tests will tell Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I'm looking at this as a mother, as a grandmother.
Speaker 1: You got a couple of things going on here. First
Speaker 1: of all, she's probably ashamed, guilty and grieving. You have
Speaker 1: the shock and the grief, maybe the anger, but she's
Speaker 1: probably ashamed that her son did this. How did she
Speaker 1: fail him? Why didn't she see this? Because you know,
Speaker 1: as moms, if our children's eyes across is our fault.
Speaker 1: You know, if anything that's wrong, Oh my lord, my
Speaker 1: childish god, what did I do wrong? So she probably
Speaker 1: has a shame. The only thing I can say to
Speaker 1: you is is this. You gotta talk to her mother
Speaker 1: and the mother and don't wait for her to offer it.
Speaker 1: You offer it. I know you have some concerns about
Speaker 1: whether or not these children are your grandchildren. Would you
Speaker 1: be open to a DNA test? And if they are
Speaker 1: your children, I'm willing to raise them. I'm willing to
Speaker 1: do what I can because you know, in our community,
Speaker 1: is the mother's mother to wait folds on the mother's Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's how it is in our community. You know, very
Speaker 1: rarely did the children go to the father's mother. They
Speaker 1: go to the mother's mother first, and then you ask her.
Speaker 1: I'm asking you to support me. You know, both of
Speaker 1: us are grieving mothers. We both lost our pups, we
Speaker 1: both lost our children. And the fact that you're willing
Speaker 1: to even have a conversation with the woman whose child
Speaker 1: killed your child, that's huge. Yeah, you have to talk
Speaker 1: to her mother, to mother and see if you can
Speaker 1: get through and if she's willing to support with you
Speaker 1: one weekend a month, even if she comes to your house,
Speaker 1: she may think you want money. I don't know. If
Speaker 1: you haven't had the conversation, I don't know what she
Speaker 1: will do. But Mom, listen to me. Clutch your pearls
Speaker 1: right now. You have to be willing to carry this
Speaker 1: burden alone. Jesus, I know, I know that's who you're
Speaker 1: gonna need. You and j C may be doing this all. Yeah,
Speaker 1: which means then then you have to go into the
Speaker 1: state and you have to get all available resources that
Speaker 1: you can, if that's home health care, if that is
Speaker 1: part time help, if that's a housekeeper, if that's money,
Speaker 1: whatever that is. And you go not with not with
Speaker 1: your hand out, you go with your head held high,
Speaker 1: willing to accept the responsibility and asking for support from
Speaker 1: the state. I'm fighting now, man. They denied me for
Speaker 1: all state assistance because of my income by itself. Yes, well,
Speaker 1: don't fight, No, no, don't fight, don't fight. You keep
Speaker 1: calling your friend Jesus, so you put this in Jesus's hands.
Speaker 1: Give up the fight, and you know, Okay, let me
Speaker 1: tell you this analogy. The mother bear, they say, is
Speaker 1: one of the most loving, nurturing mammals on the planet.
Speaker 1: That she'll nurse her babies for three to four years.
Speaker 1: And when she's with her baby, she's walking on all
Speaker 1: four and she's down on their level, and she's watching everything,
Speaker 1: and she'll nudge them into where they need to be.
Speaker 1: But she's always also on the lookout. But when mama
Speaker 1: gets up on her hind legs, you better look out
Speaker 1: because somebody gonna get swatted, all right. So when you
Speaker 1: go to the state, you don't go with your hand
Speaker 1: out begging. You go on your hind legs. Back up
Speaker 1: and here it is. If they were in the system,
Speaker 1: the state would have to provide for them. If he
Speaker 1: was in jail, the state would have to provide for him.
Speaker 1: So if you got to get a legal aid attorney,
Speaker 1: be willing to hear and know, but don't be willing
Speaker 1: to stop it. The know that right now you're down
Speaker 1: on all fours trying to take care of the babies.
Speaker 1: Get up on your hind legs and go into the
Speaker 1: system wherever you have to go. Not to fight, but
Speaker 1: you and Jesus, because he seems to be you friendly
Speaker 1: with him, You and Jesus going there and refuse to
Speaker 1: accept the know how much would it cost the state
Speaker 1: to take care of them if you said, okay, you
Speaker 1: know what, take them. Yeah, I need help. They have
Speaker 1: special needs. That means they may need transportation or they
Speaker 1: may need educational support. You know, I don't know. But
Speaker 1: as a grandmother, I've raised two grandchildren and a great
Speaker 1: grand I have, so I understand. Hear me, my sister woman,
Speaker 1: my mama's sister, I hear you. And particularly when you
Speaker 1: mind in your business, living your life, and next thing
Speaker 1: you know, you got a three year old. You're like,
Speaker 1: what the hey, and you're grieving you lost your pap.
Speaker 1: You lost your baby to some madness. And I wouldn't
Speaker 1: be shy about reminding his mother of that. Say, I
Speaker 1: understand your grieving the loss of your child, and so
Speaker 1: am I. Here's the difference. Your I took my child's life,
Speaker 1: and I'm still willing for us as grandmothers to do
Speaker 1: what our children are no longer willing to do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and again she may she may not, but you should
Speaker 1: ask and at the same time be willing to do
Speaker 1: it on your own. And then you turn your eyes
Speaker 1: towards wherever the state is. My grandmother had a saying
Speaker 1: she was a Native American, but she was real good
Speaker 1: friends with Jesus, Jesus will fix it him, Mother, Mary,
Speaker 1: the governor, the councilman, whoever it is, because really this
Speaker 1: is not your responsibility. Culturally, you are accepting the responsibility,
Speaker 1: but you could turn them babies right over to the state.
Speaker 1: You can't give me support that I need to provide
Speaker 1: for them, three special needs children. Come get them and
Speaker 1: let's see how much it's gonna cost you and be willing.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you they're not gonna calm. But you
Speaker 1: know you on your hind legs. Get up on your
Speaker 1: hind legs, Grandma, you're down on all fours. That is
Speaker 1: not working. You be down on all fours with the babies,
Speaker 1: with the state and the other grandmother you get up
Speaker 1: on your hind legs. Yeah, definitely. Will you gotta roar?
Speaker 1: I don't know how bad roars, whatever it is. And
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm gonna pray with you and for you.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna pray that the spirit of all grandmothers who
Speaker 1: had to raise children stand with their hands on their
Speaker 1: hips behind you. I'm gonna affirm and know and call
Speaker 1: that all of the greatest greatest grandmothers in your line
Speaker 1: who took on children of their children, children of neighbors.
Speaker 1: I'm calling on the spirit of the wet mothers who
Speaker 1: nursed white babies on their bosoms because their mothers wouldn't
Speaker 1: do I'm calling on them, and I'm asking all of
Speaker 1: them to stand with you, for you, behind you, so
Speaker 1: that what you need to provide for these children comes
Speaker 1: to you easily, effortlessly, under grace, with the mercy of
Speaker 1: God's wisdom and the love of the Divine Mother. It
Speaker 1: shall be so, because I'm speaking it into existence. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: you call on them grandmothers. You call on them and
Speaker 1: ask them to go before you and make the way straight.
Speaker 1: And you call that other grandmother and you talk to her.
Speaker 1: I need your support. They needed They need to know
Speaker 1: that their father was more than a murderer. They need
Speaker 1: to know that. They need to know that their father
Speaker 1: had a mother and had a family and things went awry,
Speaker 1: but that their family embraces them. They need to know that.
Speaker 1: You tell her that m hm hm Okay, God, bless
Speaker 1: your grandma, Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Alright,
Speaker 1: my love, bye bye. I really feel for her. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna pray and wish her the best of love moving forward.
Speaker 1: Whether she's able to rely on the other grandparents or not.
Speaker 1: I can sense from our short conversation that she has
Speaker 1: the strength and the determination to make it through and
Speaker 1: love those four grand babies just like their mama would. Now.
Speaker 1: I know it's going to be difficult, but navigating through
Speaker 1: any change and a parent child relationship is difficult. I
Speaker 1: have been there, as have both of my callers. What's
Speaker 1: most important to remember at some point is that you
Speaker 1: will not always be a parent to a child. You
Speaker 1: will be forced to create a new relationship pattern and
Speaker 1: dynamic with a grown adult who you have loved and
Speaker 1: raised to become the person that they are. If I
Speaker 1: can do it and my callers can do it, I
Speaker 1: know all of you out there can do it. To
Speaker 1: just remember to give yourself grace, be gentle with yourself,
Speaker 1: and be willing to ask for the strength and support
Speaker 1: you need from wherever you can get it. And if
Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with I heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.