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Speaker 1: Pay Professional Homegirls and Men. Before we dive into this

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Speaker 1: week's episode, let's handle some housekeeping real quick. Make sure

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Speaker 1: to give me a follow at the Professional Homegirl on Instagram, TikTok,

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Speaker 1: and YouTube. Oh and don't forget to follow at the

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Speaker 1: PHG podcast on Instagram as well so we can keep

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Speaker 1: key about the episodes. And if you're loving the conversations

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Speaker 1: from the show, show some love by dropping a five

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Speaker 1: star review on Apple Podcasts.

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Speaker 2: Remember hoe me down, don't hold me up.

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Speaker 3: Okay.

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Speaker 1: I hope you all enjoyed this week's episode, but if

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Speaker 1: the conversation starts to become triggering, please remember to put

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Speaker 1: your well being and your mental health first. Love y'all,

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Speaker 1: deep and until next time later. Coming up on this

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Speaker 1: week's episode of the Professional Homegirl Podcast, we are diving

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Speaker 1: into a crucial topic, sexual abuse within the walls of churches.

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Speaker 1: It is a tough subject, but one that needs our attention.

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Speaker 1: Way too often, the voices of those who've gone through

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Speaker 1: this have been pushed to the side, hidden away by

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Speaker 1: feelings of guilt and fear. On today's show, I got

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Speaker 1: an amazing guest joining us. She's brave enough to share

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Speaker 1: her own story as a survivor of church related abuse,

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Speaker 1: and I think that her perspective will open our eyes

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Speaker 1: to the challenges that survivors face and the steps we

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Speaker 1: need to take for prevention. So to my guests, thank

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Speaker 1: you so much for sharing your story on the show.

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Speaker 1: How you doing, how you feeling.

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Speaker 3: I'm great? Thank you for having me, Thank you so much.

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Speaker 4: Yes.

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Speaker 1: So, since sharing your story, have you had any encounters

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Speaker 1: with others who have experienced similar abuse in the church setting?

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Speaker 4: Absolutely? In two ways.

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Speaker 3: I've had people that men and women that have come

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Speaker 3: to me and shared their stories about how they were

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Speaker 3: abused by men, and they were men and women that

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Speaker 3: was abused by women.

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Speaker 4: Talk about Yes, absolutely.

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Speaker 3: And then I have the other side of it where

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Speaker 3: that some of the people from that denomination, Church of

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Speaker 3: God in Christ, have been threatening me since I told

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Speaker 3: my story.

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Speaker 2: Really yes from the church day you grew up in.

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Speaker 3: Or just no, just the the people in that denomination.

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Speaker 3: What they've been saying, Yeah, well I'm threatening me not

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Speaker 3: to write my book. First of all, they were saying

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Speaker 3: how I was bashing the Church of God in Christ,

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Speaker 3: their denomination. This one, this one lady told me that

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Speaker 3: the abuse was my fault. I was thirteen when it

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Speaker 3: happened thirteen fourteen, she told you that she did, and

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Speaker 3: she she is a diehard Church of God in Christ,

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Speaker 3: born and bred.

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 3: That's how they rolled for that denomination. That is not

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Speaker 3: but it but it's it's when you have that loyalty

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Speaker 3: to man and a denomination rather than that loyalty to God.

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Speaker 3: That's how it that's how it works.

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Speaker 4: Wow.

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Speaker 3: And that's what I actually told her. If you need,

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Speaker 3: you need to start being loyal to God and that

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Speaker 3: not his denomination.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, how anybody gave you any physical threats.

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Speaker 4: No, just uh, they'll inbox me.

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Speaker 3: Considered this a warning if you keep talking, you know,

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Speaker 3: crazy stuff like that. But my assignment is not the

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Speaker 3: Bachelor Church. My assignment is to help those that are

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Speaker 3: still crying silent tears, those that are still struggling with

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Speaker 3: that guilt and that shame and thinking that it was

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Speaker 3: their fault the abused. I dealt with that for forty years,

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Speaker 3: and I shut my mouth for forty years.

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Speaker 4: And I just started telling my story.

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Speaker 3: Last year and oh wow, yeah yeah, just last year.

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Speaker 2: So what as are you to share your story?

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Speaker 4: Well, I had buried it for forty years.

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Speaker 3: As I said, I was at work one night, and.

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Speaker 4: I said it was this big bright.

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Speaker 3: Light just shined in that area of that dark place

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Speaker 3: where I had kept it buried for forty years. And

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Speaker 3: I started panicking and I said, Lord, why are you

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Speaker 3: showing me this? And he told me. God told me

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Speaker 3: that it was time for me to be made whole.

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Speaker 3: And he said, go and tell your children. And I

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Speaker 3: told him, I said, I don't want to be made whole,

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Speaker 3: you know, because I knew that to be made whole,

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Speaker 3: I had to confront what I buried. I had to

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Speaker 3: deal with it. I had to embrace it. I had

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Speaker 3: to I mean, I had to feel everything that I

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Speaker 3: felt the forty years that I buried, and I don't want.

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Speaker 4: To do that was too painful.

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Speaker 3: And so when he told me to go and tell

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Speaker 3: my children, that was hard too, because in the midst

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Speaker 3: of the abuse that I went through, when I was

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Speaker 3: thirteen fourteen, I got pregnant.

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Speaker 2: Right was we going to talk about?

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Speaker 4: Yes?

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Speaker 3: And so I had a daughter at fifteen and children

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Speaker 3: service were put up for adoption. But they I told

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Speaker 3: them that she was their sister by the same father

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Speaker 3: that they had, Okay, But in actuality, I didn't know

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Speaker 3: if she was the elder that raped me's child or

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Speaker 3: the younger boy that was involved with taking my virginity,

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Speaker 3: which I ended up marrying.

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Speaker 4: Him right and had four and had four more children

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Speaker 4: with him.

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Speaker 2: Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Speaker 4: I not yet.

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Speaker 3: I want daughter, I do, but I have to wait

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Speaker 3: on her. You know what I'm saying. I found my

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Speaker 3: daughter after forty years.

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Speaker 2: That's right, that's right.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, and so she still you know, we we

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Speaker 3: we're getting there, but I have to just totally wait

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Speaker 3: and respect her because she Yeah, be patient with her

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Speaker 3: because it was a lot for her as well.

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Speaker 1: Do you feel like the discussions about church abuse within

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Speaker 1: especially within black communities, have been lacking.

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Speaker 4: Oh?

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Speaker 3: Absolutely yeah. They sweep it under the rug. They don't

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Speaker 3: want to hear about it. They they'll blame you, you know,

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Speaker 3: as they are blaming me. And I was a child,

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Speaker 3: as I said, And the lady said, well, what part

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Speaker 3: did you take in it? You know, I was in

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Speaker 3: children's service board, I was in a foster home. I

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Speaker 3: didn't take no part in it. And when I told

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Speaker 3: the pastor that at this elder was doing this to me,

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Speaker 3: he told me to keep bringing him reports. So after

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Speaker 3: I told the pastor, and he told me to keep

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Speaker 3: bringing reports. I had to process that, like, okay, does

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Speaker 3: this mean to keep letting this man do what he

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Speaker 3: wanted to do to me?

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Speaker 4: Just keep bringing reports?

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Speaker 2: And what's the report? Like what do you want to know?

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Speaker 3: Just well, okay, well he touched me here today and

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Speaker 3: he did right, very weird.

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Speaker 4: And so.

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Speaker 3: I kept taking reports every time this this man would

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Speaker 3: touch me. And because I'm thinking, okay, after one of

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Speaker 3: these reports, it's.

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Speaker 4: Going to stop. You know.

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Speaker 3: So as a child, you know you're told to go

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Speaker 3: tell another adult when we're being touched inappropriately.

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Speaker 4: I did that. I went to the pastor.

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Speaker 3: Nothing ever happened because I was waiting on that meeting

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Speaker 3: with my foster mother, the elder and the pastor.

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Speaker 4: You know, I was waiting. But that needing never happened.

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Speaker 3: What actually happened was the pastor himself started molesting me.

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Speaker 1: Right now before we continue, where was your I know

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Speaker 1: where your mom was at, but where was your mom

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Speaker 1: and your family?

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Speaker 2: Because I know you come from a large family.

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Speaker 3: Yes, So the reason I got into foster cares. Both

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Speaker 3: of my parents died when I was twelve years old,

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Speaker 3: and so stay got wind of it and they came

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Speaker 3: and took me because I was the youngest of the

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Speaker 3: nine children, and they put I became a ward of

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Speaker 3: the state pretty much. And then they put me I

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Speaker 3: was twelve, tenn and thirteen. They put me in a

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Speaker 3: foster home with the church mother who was over the

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Speaker 3: in you know, in the Church of God in Christ,

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Speaker 3: you got church mothers, you got pastor's aide, you got

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Speaker 3: all those type of.

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Speaker 4: Titles.

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Speaker 3: But she was a church mother and she was, you know,

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Speaker 3: always busy doing stuff for her first family, you know,

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Speaker 3: and things like that. And that's how my doom started

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Speaker 3: because prior to my mom died and I was playing kickball.

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Speaker 4: You know, I was still playing.

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Speaker 3: I was a child, you know, I wasn't a bass

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Speaker 3: girl and none of that. So when my mom died,

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Speaker 3: and then we found out four months later that my

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Speaker 3: dad died, so my mom was all I had because

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Speaker 3: her and my dad had separated. And that's how I

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Speaker 3: got into this whole situation. Children's Service Board put me

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Speaker 3: in a foster home, and you know, it was.

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Speaker 2: A church, not the country.

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Speaker 1: I feel like because I had a lot of conversations

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Speaker 1: with survivors and some of them stories.

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Speaker 2: A lot of this stem from foster care.

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Speaker 4: Yeah I've heard that too.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, like that it had to be something that

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Speaker 1: needs to be changed because this is like.

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Speaker 2: Children a lot.

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Speaker 3: And but this is what one of the ladies that

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Speaker 3: was said, it was my fault. She said, well, you

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Speaker 3: need to blame foster care. No, I was placed in

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Speaker 3: foster care. But those men chose to do what they

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Speaker 3: did to me.

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Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 3: Like I could have been in a hundred looster homes,

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Speaker 3: but it was still that pastor and that elder's decision.

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Speaker 4: It was their choice to do what they did.

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Speaker 2: So and this is something they've been doing.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, I mean it goes, it goes a

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Speaker 3: long way back, and that's why they try to keep

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Speaker 3: it quiet. Hush hush. I mean I was quiet for

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Speaker 3: forty years, and when I started telling my story, I

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Speaker 3: became the villain, you know, I became you know, you're

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Speaker 3: trying to bash our denomination and things like that, And

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Speaker 3: it was never about that I was.

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Speaker 4: I was telling my truth.

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Speaker 3: It's not the cycle, absolutely absolutely, And so you know,

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Speaker 3: when you know you've been assigned to do a thing, I'm.

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Speaker 4: Unbothered by you. I laugh at at.

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Speaker 3: It most times, but I know that there are still

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Speaker 3: people that are out there that are still feeling guilty

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Speaker 3: because I felt guilty.

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Speaker 4: I felt like it was my fault. What could have

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Speaker 4: done differently?

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Speaker 3: I did everything right, but I didn't get to that

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Speaker 3: place until last year. And that happened to me when

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Speaker 3: I was thirteen fourteen. But I just got to that

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Speaker 3: place where I did everything right. I told the adult

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Speaker 3: I did everything right, But for forty years I blamed myself.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and by this time, did you find it difficult

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Speaker 1: to trust anyone else, especially since the pastor was asking

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Speaker 1: you to bring in reports? Like was there anybody else

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Speaker 1: you felt comfortable with within the church?

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Speaker 4: You know what I would say?

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Speaker 3: My trauma started when I was about five years old,

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Speaker 3: when my father would beat me unmercifully. So I was

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Speaker 3: a child of an abused home to where he would

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Speaker 3: beat me and my sisters and my mother. He would

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Speaker 3: never touch the boys. But that's when my trauma started.

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Speaker 3: And I didn't know anything about trauma or anything or

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Speaker 3: child abused.

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Speaker 4: I didn't know anything about that.

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Speaker 2: But you didn't have the language work back then, and yeah,

227
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Speaker 2: I didn't.

228
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Speaker 3: Have the language, didn't know anything. I just knew I

229
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Speaker 3: would get beat by this my dad. And so after

230
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Speaker 3: my mom died, they took children serve board took me

231
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Speaker 3: from the rest of my family. So it was like

232
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Speaker 3: my mom died, my dad, dad, and the rest of

233
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Speaker 3: my family died because they snatched me from my older

234
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Speaker 3: brothers and sisters.

235
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Speaker 4: So I was just alone. I felt like.

236
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Speaker 3: And when I went to the church and I grew

237
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Speaker 3: up coaching, I grew up Church of God in Christ

238
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Speaker 3: till my mom died. Like I said, I'm not as twelve.

239
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Speaker 3: But after telling the pastor, it was like I couldn't

240
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Speaker 3: even think to even tell somebody else. My mind just

241
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,480
Speaker 3: would not let me even think to tell somebody because

242
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,800
Speaker 3: the foster mother knew, his wife knew. I mean, I

243
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:56,200
Speaker 3: mean they knew. So it's like, you know, who do

244
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Speaker 3: I tell? So eventually when the young man he took

245
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,439
Speaker 3: advantage of me, he took my virginity, but he was sixteen.

246
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Speaker 1: This is a young boy that just said and when

247
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Speaker 1: he interviews he like dart scan women.

248
00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:22,080
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yes, And I gravitated toward him and we

249
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,120
Speaker 3: started talking. He hated me, but he just kind of

250
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,240
Speaker 3: used me for a sex and experiencing things like that.

251
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:33,360
Speaker 3: But when I told him about the pastor and the elder.

252
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,840
Speaker 4: My abuse stopped. It stopped.

253
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Speaker 3: So now my loyalty went to this boy that saved

254
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Speaker 3: me from the bad men.

255
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Speaker 2: Do you think they was all in conhudive with each other.

256
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,360
Speaker 3: Well, I think there's a whole chain of that stuff

257
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:57,080
Speaker 3: going on, not the boy, but there's a spirit in

258
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Speaker 3: that that has play the church. You know, we talk

259
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:09,040
Speaker 3: about the Catholic church, but that thing happens everywhere, and

260
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,960
Speaker 3: it's it's a it's a spirit, that's what I call it.

261
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:17,400
Speaker 3: But when the boys saved me, my loyalty went to him.

262
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:23,000
Speaker 3: So now I knew that he was using me, but

263
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:23,840
Speaker 3: he saved me.

264
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:24,600
Speaker 2: You think what I.

265
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:33,200
Speaker 3: Felt protected, And so he actually became one of my

266
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:37,600
Speaker 3: abusers as well. But it didn't matter what he did

267
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:44,960
Speaker 3: because I was still I think I had arrested development.

268
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Speaker 3: And that is when you had so much trauma in

269
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Speaker 3: your life, you stopped right where that trauma happens.

270
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Speaker 4: And so no.

271
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Speaker 3: Matter what I was twelve thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, twenty twenty

272
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Speaker 3: five cents, I was still that at thirteen fourteen year

273
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,560
Speaker 3: old girl that he's.

274
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Speaker 2: Saved, and that's all you at that point.

275
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Speaker 3: Yeah, and so whatever I mean I I ended up

276
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:10,840
Speaker 3: marrying him.

277
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Speaker 1: Before you continue, I think that whole situation was crazy too.

278
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:21,800
Speaker 1: Like the mom, the way these moms protect these boys. Yeah,

279
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,720
Speaker 1: it's disgusting.

280
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Speaker 4: Yeah.

281
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:28,040
Speaker 1: You also mentioned about the elder coming over one night,

282
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Speaker 1: and you said that he had this look in his

283
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,440
Speaker 1: eyes that frightened you.

284
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:40,680
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So I'm fourteen and when

285
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:45,200
Speaker 3: I told the young man the abuse stopped, well, the pastor,

286
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:50,080
Speaker 3: he's he just went on, probably somebody else, but the

287
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:54,200
Speaker 3: elder has stopped for us a season. And then he

288
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:58,680
Speaker 3: came over to the foster home and he was able

289
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,600
Speaker 3: to do that because he was part of the click,

290
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,919
Speaker 3: you know, the church click. And I told him, you know,

291
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,520
Speaker 3: my foster mother's not home, and he came in. He

292
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:13,000
Speaker 3: was just like he knew about me telling the boy

293
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:18,199
Speaker 3: what they did, right, and so, you know, all of

294
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,560
Speaker 3: a sudden he got this this. I don't know how

295
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:24,879
Speaker 3: long he had been planning this, but that look it

296
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:29,320
Speaker 3: frightened the heck out of me. In his eyes. I

297
00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:32,720
Speaker 3: found myself fighting with this man. I'm fourteen, he was

298
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:37,640
Speaker 3: thirty something and he did this move, twist my arm

299
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:41,160
Speaker 3: and I went down to the floor and that's where

300
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:47,760
Speaker 3: he raped me, and so after that he told me

301
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:53,399
Speaker 3: I'd better not say anything. And I felt nasty, just

302
00:17:53,400 --> 00:18:01,320
Speaker 3: just horrible. And it was like he wore this cologne

303
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:08,679
Speaker 3: that that I literally just stopped smelling about three years ago.

304
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:13,240
Speaker 3: And now I was fourteen when it happened, and every

305
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:14,080
Speaker 3: time I would.

306
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,200
Speaker 2: You just stop smelling it, like I literally.

307
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,719
Speaker 3: Just stop smelling that that smell. It'll come, you know,

308
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:25,160
Speaker 3: at will. And when the smell would come, I would

309
00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:26,480
Speaker 3: I start getting sick.

310
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Speaker 4: I would start dry heving.

311
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:32,520
Speaker 3: Just it was just a crazy, maybe psychological thing that

312
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:33,520
Speaker 3: that was going.

313
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,960
Speaker 2: On, because physically this person.

314
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Speaker 3: No, no, but I would smell that cologne and it

315
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,040
Speaker 3: would just I don't know it was I don't know,

316
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:49,320
Speaker 3: it had to be psychologically, but I would start just

317
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,480
Speaker 3: throwing up or getting sick when I smell it.

318
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Speaker 4: You know, maybe a.

319
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:59,160
Speaker 3: Therapist that would listen to this broadcast would know exactly

320
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:03,000
Speaker 3: what I'm talking about. But I literally just stopped smelling

321
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:07,760
Speaker 3: it three years ago. And so yeah, it was bad.

322
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:08,600
Speaker 4: It was bad.

323
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:15,479
Speaker 3: He left, and then it was crazy because once Children's

324
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:18,520
Speaker 3: Service Board and I don't know how they heard what

325
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,200
Speaker 3: was going on over there, but they came and removed

326
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:26,240
Speaker 3: me from that foster home and then put me in

327
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:30,280
Speaker 3: another foster home. These are church people too, but they

328
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,840
Speaker 3: were throwing shoes at me. And you know the mother church,

329
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,040
Speaker 3: the mother, she wasn't a church mother, but she was

330
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:41,000
Speaker 3: a foster mother, throwing shoes at me, you know, calling

331
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:45,880
Speaker 3: me dumb, stupid, things like that. So it was one

332
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,920
Speaker 3: night they were going to church and nobody knew where

333
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,480
Speaker 3: I was, I mean Children's Service board, because I was

334
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:52,320
Speaker 3: in their custody.

335
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,879
Speaker 4: They didn't have to tell, you know.

336
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,920
Speaker 3: And I went to that home and when they went

337
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,560
Speaker 3: to church one night, I got on the phone and

338
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,639
Speaker 3: called my brother. I'm like, look, call my casework and

339
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:09,359
Speaker 3: this lady is throwing shoes at me, calling me dumb, stupid.

340
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:09,760
Speaker 4: You know.

341
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:13,280
Speaker 3: I was already in enough trauma, you know. And by

342
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,000
Speaker 3: the time they got home, it was like my brother

343
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:21,480
Speaker 3: had called everybody, right, you know, my sisters and brothers,

344
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,879
Speaker 3: and she was like, I told you, we should have

345
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,520
Speaker 3: took that dummy to church with us.

346
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Speaker 5: You know.

347
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,240
Speaker 4: It's just horrible.

348
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:32,640
Speaker 3: And you know people that some people just do that foster.

349
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,879
Speaker 4: Care for money, Yeah, for a check for a check.

350
00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:39,919
Speaker 3: It's not and it's not fair to the children because

351
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,600
Speaker 3: we didn't act to be there, so as a service

352
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,560
Speaker 3: board came and got us or took us from our

353
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:48,600
Speaker 3: families and things like that. And it's just so unfair

354
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,840
Speaker 3: how foster kids aren't treated.

355
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:53,919
Speaker 4: You were going through.

356
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,639
Speaker 1: Enough, right, and then they wonder why we have a

357
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,679
Speaker 1: lot of messed up individuals in the world.

358
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,440
Speaker 4: Exactly and exactly.

359
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:05,240
Speaker 3: So my brother, my caseworker, came and got me the

360
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:08,359
Speaker 3: next day from that house and put me in a

361
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:10,399
Speaker 3: group home.

362
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,920
Speaker 4: Right. And so after.

363
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,760
Speaker 3: After some time went by, I started and this is

364
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,520
Speaker 3: when the boy had taken my virginally and I was

365
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,400
Speaker 3: with him and.

366
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:27,880
Speaker 4: Things like that. So I felt something moving to my stomach.

367
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,280
Speaker 3: And I'm like, you know, I told one of the

368
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:34,399
Speaker 3: house parents, something is something is in my stomach, you know.

369
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:35,160
Speaker 4: Wow.

370
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,639
Speaker 1: And at this point, did you even know what sex

371
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,880
Speaker 1: was like like physically?

372
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:41,119
Speaker 4: No, I mean he.

373
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:45,159
Speaker 3: Actually, the fourteen year old boy, actually, I mean the

374
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:49,280
Speaker 3: sixteen year old boy actually took my virginity. And he

375
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:53,320
Speaker 3: had brothers that were advanced, you know what I'm saying.

376
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,719
Speaker 4: He had brothers that was.

377
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:59,240
Speaker 3: Teaching him stuff. So and I just clinged on to him.

378
00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,439
Speaker 3: But you know, I didn't know. I just did it

379
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:06,000
Speaker 3: because I had loved that boy. From the first time

380
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,199
Speaker 3: I saw him, it was like love first sight. So

381
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:12,960
Speaker 3: I can't even say I cling to him, you know,

382
00:22:13,119 --> 00:22:14,200
Speaker 3: after that, But.

383
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,439
Speaker 4: It was before that. It was before that. It was

384
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:17,040
Speaker 4: before that.

385
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:18,040
Speaker 5: It was before that.

386
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,880
Speaker 4: And he was light skinned it, you know, so.

387
00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:44,240
Speaker 3: But he I mean, and his brothers were I mean,

388
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,320
Speaker 3: they find brothers, you know, and they like light skinned

389
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,720
Speaker 3: girls or Puerto Rican girls with long hair. And I

390
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,720
Speaker 3: knew I didn't stand a chance. But I guess I

391
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:58,080
Speaker 3: was his test dummy for him because he told me

392
00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:00,280
Speaker 3: that I was the first girl that he had he

393
00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:05,119
Speaker 3: slept with. So yeah, and so but you know who knows,

394
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:10,960
Speaker 3: I just know, yeah, yeah, and I just think that.

395
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:17,280
Speaker 3: But but but when I look back at that, I

396
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,439
Speaker 3: look at how I was being trained to be the

397
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:25,320
Speaker 3: side chick because he was grooming me.

398
00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:28,240
Speaker 4: And he was, I mean, he was mature, but even sixteen.

399
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:31,280
Speaker 3: But yeah, I mean when I would go around, I

400
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,560
Speaker 3: couldn't talk to him, you know, he could only I

401
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:36,880
Speaker 3: couldn't approach him. And I did it because I loved him,

402
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,640
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. I loved him, and then

403
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:44,040
Speaker 3: he saved me from the bad men. And so this

404
00:23:44,119 --> 00:23:48,760
Speaker 3: is on through you know, my teenage, my my mid twenties.

405
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,159
Speaker 4: I mean, I just stayed. You know.

406
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:55,040
Speaker 3: He told me that nobody's going to want me. You know,

407
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,800
Speaker 3: I'm ugly. All I'm good for is a good screw,

408
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:03,920
Speaker 3: and you know, and I believed that because you are

409
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:07,679
Speaker 3: what you eat. And so he would tell me that,

410
00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:10,600
Speaker 3: you know, all the time when we had got together,

411
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,440
Speaker 3: and I just I just stay.

412
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:14,119
Speaker 4: You know.

413
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,439
Speaker 1: One of the things that I saw in one of

414
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,080
Speaker 1: your interviews is when you said that it was very

415
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:22,720
Speaker 1: difficult for you to say the word word rape over

416
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:23,480
Speaker 1: forty years ago.

417
00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:27,400
Speaker 4: Ya, Oh, my gosh, yes, it was.

418
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:31,480
Speaker 3: It was difficult until I started writing my book.

419
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:38,400
Speaker 4: December of last year, I believe, And.

420
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:46,719
Speaker 3: It wasn't until then actually that I was able to

421
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:55,399
Speaker 3: say I was raped. I believe that I was in denial.

422
00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 3: I believe that, you.

423
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:05,919
Speaker 5: Know.

424
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,240
Speaker 3: I used to use where it's like, you know, he

425
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:12,680
Speaker 3: he was touching me, you know, he you know, I

426
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:15,600
Speaker 3: would actually say the things, but I would never say

427
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:21,760
Speaker 3: what it was. You know, it was just something Once again,

428
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:27,520
Speaker 3: I would say something mentally that where I just couldn't

429
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:32,000
Speaker 3: bring myself to say, wow, I was raped, you know

430
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,720
Speaker 3: what I'm saying. I was just in denial. Of that

431
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 3: until and that's when when the Lord was telling me

432
00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:38,760
Speaker 3: I have to.

433
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:39,520
Speaker 5: I have to.

434
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:41,920
Speaker 4: It's tied me to be made whole.

435
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 3: I knew that I had to face and deal with

436
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,720
Speaker 3: all of that, like I had to feel everything that.

437
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,720
Speaker 4: I went through all over again.

438
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:57,920
Speaker 3: And because I was so used to just burying things

439
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,520
Speaker 3: after so many things that happened to me, and I

440
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:04,280
Speaker 3: wouldn't get any help or support, I would just bury it.

441
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean that's all you knew.

442
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:09,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just buried it. And I said, well, I'm

443
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,280
Speaker 3: just gonna go ahead and take this to the grave

444
00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:16,960
Speaker 3: because it was so painful and embarrassing too, because the

445
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:20,960
Speaker 3: devil called me a whore for forty years, You a whore,

446
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:25,600
Speaker 3: you don't know who your child's father is, and he would,

447
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:29,320
Speaker 3: you know, beat that thing in me mentally my mental

448
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:33,560
Speaker 3: thoughts that it was embarrassing. So when the Lord had

449
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:37,160
Speaker 3: actually told me, go and tell your children, I said,

450
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:41,080
Speaker 3: I can't tell them that because for all this time

451
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:43,560
Speaker 3: I've been telling them that they had a sister and

452
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:48,439
Speaker 3: she's their father's daughter. But in actuality, I don't know

453
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,480
Speaker 3: whose child she is. I don't know if she was

454
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:54,840
Speaker 3: the elder that raped me or his Actually, both of

455
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:55,880
Speaker 3: them dinied ever.

456
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,760
Speaker 1: Touching me, right, So when you found out that she

457
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,040
Speaker 1: was pregnant in the group home or it was like

458
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:02,880
Speaker 1: an on wet home for mothers.

459
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:06,720
Speaker 3: Well it it was a group home first, because after

460
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:09,919
Speaker 3: I left the second foster home, they took me to

461
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:13,400
Speaker 3: what was called a receiving home. That's what they were

462
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:17,400
Speaker 3: calling them back then. Yeah, it was back in the eighties.

463
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:23,400
Speaker 3: So when I started feeling something flooding in my stomach,

464
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,440
Speaker 3: I didn't know what it was, so I just kind

465
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:28,600
Speaker 3: of let it happen. And as time went on, I

466
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,360
Speaker 3: told him in the house, Princess, something is in my stomach,

467
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:34,479
Speaker 3: and she was saying, well, are you pregnant? Of course

468
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:39,560
Speaker 3: I didn't know, you know, but they found out that, yes,

469
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:44,240
Speaker 3: I was fourteen and pregnant. Yeah, I was fourteen and pregnant.

470
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:51,920
Speaker 3: And so they took me to another group home. This

471
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:57,840
Speaker 3: home was for unweb mothers. I was the youngest person there,

472
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,239
Speaker 3: of course, and there was other young girls there were

473
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:05,159
Speaker 3: I was the youngest, and so, you know, my family

474
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:09,080
Speaker 3: didn't know where I was children's service board. They pretty

475
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,439
Speaker 3: much dropped me off like I was a straight cat,

476
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:14,680
Speaker 3: you know that they would drop off at the shelter

477
00:28:16,119 --> 00:28:20,679
Speaker 3: and I didn't see them anymore until I had my daughter.

478
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:22,720
Speaker 4: But there was.

479
00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:28,199
Speaker 3: Somehow the boy, and that's who I call him in

480
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:28,760
Speaker 3: my book.

481
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:29,679
Speaker 4: The boy.

482
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:36,040
Speaker 3: Found out where I was and.

483
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:35,639
Speaker 4: They told me, you have a phone call.

484
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,560
Speaker 3: We had to walk down this long haul and I'm

485
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,440
Speaker 3: thinking it was my brother or you know, some of

486
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,960
Speaker 3: my family, but it was him.

487
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:47,280
Speaker 4: He started having these girls called me.

488
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:54,520
Speaker 3: And yeah, it was horrible, Like it was so mentally

489
00:28:54,840 --> 00:29:03,800
Speaker 3: stressful that I literally contemplated suicide and and it just

490
00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:07,400
Speaker 3: and you know, there was one point I said, I'm

491
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:10,040
Speaker 3: not even going to answer this spoone anymore because I

492
00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:15,160
Speaker 3: know that it's it's those girls again. And I heard

493
00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:17,360
Speaker 3: the guys in the background, and you ball aheaded.

494
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:19,720
Speaker 4: I didn't have no hair. I don't have the hair no.

495
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:22,920
Speaker 3: Hair today because COVID took my hair. But back then

496
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:24,240
Speaker 3: you had your hair.

497
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,000
Speaker 4: Oh it was horrible. Really, I had. I had locks

498
00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:31,480
Speaker 4: down to my but and you can see me. This

499
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:33,880
Speaker 4: is this is what I was left with. So it

500
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 4: was horrible.

501
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 2: How many time did you have it once?

502
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:41,800
Speaker 3: I had it twice, actually twice, but that first time

503
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:43,240
Speaker 3: almost took me out.

504
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:46,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, it was horrible, but.

505
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:54,080
Speaker 3: You know, so constantly hearing what you're not constantly hearing

506
00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:58,760
Speaker 3: you you know, you're doing nothing, no work. You believe,

507
00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 3: you start believing it, right, And I was so connected

508
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:06,120
Speaker 3: to him, it was like, you know, my family's like,

509
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:07,560
Speaker 3: why don't you leave him?

510
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,200
Speaker 4: He's going And I was.

511
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,400
Speaker 3: So stuck on this guy that I believe.

512
00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:16,080
Speaker 4: It was a trauma bond. There was a trauma bond,

513
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:19,000
Speaker 4: and I just stayed, like, you know, through the.

514
00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:22,440
Speaker 3: Beatings, through the cheatings, you know, all of that. I

515
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:26,040
Speaker 3: just stayed because nobody else.

516
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 4: Would want me, right.

517
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:29,480
Speaker 1: I'm just curious if there is one thing that you

518
00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:33,280
Speaker 1: can change or improve about the foster care system based

519
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:34,920
Speaker 1: on your experience, what would it be.

520
00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:42,200
Speaker 3: Well, I would think, I mean people they act a

521
00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:46,360
Speaker 3: certain way, so you can't really you can't really say, well,

522
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:49,479
Speaker 3: these people are the best people because they you have

523
00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:50,720
Speaker 3: a lot of pretenders.

524
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, they show face when it's time to show face.

525
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.

526
00:30:54,600 --> 00:31:01,440
Speaker 3: So it's kind of hard to detect a predator or

527
00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:03,280
Speaker 3: to detect someone.

528
00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 4: That's an abuser.

529
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 3: But I would but I would say the false hit.

530
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:12,880
Speaker 3: The care would have to do more visits, do pop

531
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:15,320
Speaker 3: up visits, you know what? I'm saying, I know that's

532
00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 3: probably not possible. That they have to call the people

533
00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:20,320
Speaker 3: and let them know that they're coming. So when they

534
00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:23,680
Speaker 3: do that, you can put on your face, you know

535
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:28,520
Speaker 3: what I'm saying. So it's kind of a hard thing

536
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:32,240
Speaker 3: to do. But I mean, just be more careful when

537
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:33,240
Speaker 3: you put these children.

538
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:33,760
Speaker 2: Yeah.

539
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:37,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I feel like up until this point, I mean,

540
00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:39,560
Speaker 1: you definitely went through a lot. So how does how

541
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:41,760
Speaker 1: did this affect your relationship with God?

542
00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:42,600
Speaker 5: Oh?

543
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:44,320
Speaker 4: It didn't.

544
00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:48,560
Speaker 3: And that's what people say, Well, how are you still

545
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 3: you know, talking about God?

546
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:51,560
Speaker 4: And how are you still?

547
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:59,240
Speaker 3: For some reason, my focus was on him taking my mother,

548
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:01,800
Speaker 3: Like why did you take my mom?

549
00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:03,600
Speaker 2: The only really loved me?

550
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:07,600
Speaker 3: Yes, And that's where my focus state every time I

551
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,600
Speaker 3: will go through something. It was like I need my mom,

552
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:16,160
Speaker 3: you know my mom? And I never I never blamed

553
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:19,920
Speaker 3: him because and even though these were men of the claw,

554
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:25,520
Speaker 3: I never blamed him. And I was just mature enough

555
00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:29,520
Speaker 3: or in him enough, even as a child or a

556
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:32,600
Speaker 3: teenager to know that he didn't.

557
00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:35,920
Speaker 4: Cause that right, those men did that.

558
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:40,920
Speaker 3: And then as I got older, reading a scripture for

559
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:44,400
Speaker 3: we rousing out against flesh and blood, but against principalities

560
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:48,760
Speaker 3: and spirits and weakness to high places. It was, it was,

561
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:52,120
Speaker 3: it was. It was the enemy that actually tried to

562
00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:55,280
Speaker 3: keep me off my path. But however, he don't know

563
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:58,320
Speaker 3: what he did. Because now I'm telling my story, I

564
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,240
Speaker 3: want to tell it everywhere because there are some people

565
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:05,160
Speaker 3: that are still saying it was my fault. There's still

566
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:10,440
Speaker 3: people that's crying silent tears, and so now that's my assignment.

567
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:14,480
Speaker 3: My people say, well, why do you name your music?

568
00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,880
Speaker 3: Because I've already given them forty years?

569
00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:18,920
Speaker 2: What more do you want?

570
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:23,400
Speaker 4: Why do I have to name them? You know? This

571
00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:24,760
Speaker 4: one incident with.

572
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:30,640
Speaker 3: After I after I had my baby at fifteen, they

573
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:33,360
Speaker 3: came and took her because.

574
00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 2: I'm like, how does she get into system? They took her.

575
00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:40,600
Speaker 3: They so when I was at the well mother's home

576
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:43,800
Speaker 3: I had and I hadn't seen you the service boards

577
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 3: since they dropped me off. When I had my baby

578
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:49,680
Speaker 3: August twenty first, her birthday is coming up.

579
00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:51,960
Speaker 2: Oh happy birthdays listening to.

580
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:56,640
Speaker 3: This, yes, And I asked them if I could see

581
00:33:56,680 --> 00:34:00,720
Speaker 3: her because again I'm I'm fifteen. I don't know nothing

582
00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:04,240
Speaker 3: about nothing. I was a child doing grown up things.

583
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:08,960
Speaker 3: You know, that landed me in this predicament that I

584
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:14,760
Speaker 3: was in, and so they took the baby out really quickly,

585
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:19,120
Speaker 3: and it was getting night at this point, and I

586
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:21,359
Speaker 3: asked one of the nurses, I said, can I see

587
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:25,600
Speaker 3: my baby? And she said, well, you can't see her

588
00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,760
Speaker 3: because we were under the impression that you were putting

589
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:29,759
Speaker 3: her up for adoption.

590
00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:30,759
Speaker 4: Wow.

591
00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:33,920
Speaker 3: Well, I didn't tell you all that because I don't

592
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:35,000
Speaker 3: know nothing about adoption.

593
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:36,320
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.

594
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,880
Speaker 3: Children's Service board. They had already you know, sign sealed

595
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:45,480
Speaker 3: and delivered my fate and my daughter's fade.

596
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:46,239
Speaker 4: Wow.

597
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:49,879
Speaker 3: And so they did get to let me see. They

598
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:52,880
Speaker 3: did let me see her the next day when the

599
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:56,960
Speaker 3: social worker came in and she also said, well, you know,

600
00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:59,800
Speaker 3: I can let you see her for a few minutes.

601
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:02,359
Speaker 3: But we were under the impression that she was giving

602
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:05,279
Speaker 3: her a for adoption. I never said that, and that

603
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:12,160
Speaker 3: thing just, oh my god, it's it did something to me.

604
00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:21,000
Speaker 3: Once I got back to Youngstown and in another group home,

605
00:35:21,719 --> 00:35:25,080
Speaker 3: which is where I ended up staying till like graduating

606
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:25,719
Speaker 3: and things like that.

607
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:26,520
Speaker 4: From high school.

608
00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:32,440
Speaker 3: The ran school, they asked me what was my plan?

609
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:36,080
Speaker 3: So I said, well, I'm gonna ask my sister if

610
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:37,600
Speaker 3: she can get us till I'm.

611
00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:41,040
Speaker 4: Eighteen, or get the baby, I asked the boy's mother.

612
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:43,759
Speaker 3: She was like, no, you know, my son said he

613
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:50,080
Speaker 3: never touched you, so it's a no, you know. But

614
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:55,200
Speaker 3: they told me, well, being that you're fifteen, we think

615
00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:55,920
Speaker 3: it's best that.

616
00:35:57,560 --> 00:35:58,080
Speaker 4: We put the.

617
00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:02,560
Speaker 3: Baby a for adoption. So why take me through asking

618
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:05,360
Speaker 3: me what are my plans?

619
00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:07,879
Speaker 2: You know, because you already made the decision for me.

620
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:11,480
Speaker 3: You already made this decision for me. And so that

621
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:14,279
Speaker 3: was such a hard thing. I don't know how long

622
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:14,719
Speaker 3: I cried.

623
00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:18,319
Speaker 4: I cried for forty years, I'll tell you that. But

624
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:20,520
Speaker 4: I told them I want to call. I wanted to call.

625
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:23,640
Speaker 3: I wanted to name her Brion. I'm telling them all,

626
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:25,440
Speaker 3: you know, and.

627
00:36:26,239 --> 00:36:29,480
Speaker 2: Do something about that dog something.

628
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:30,480
Speaker 4: You know what.

629
00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:35,320
Speaker 3: I had to deal with Children Service Board, with something

630
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,520
Speaker 3: that happened with one of my daughters, with her children,

631
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:45,040
Speaker 3: not me, And I'm telling you everybody was at fault.

632
00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:47,600
Speaker 3: I carried that thing for forty years the way they

633
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,399
Speaker 3: did me. And when I had to meet with them,

634
00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:52,839
Speaker 3: I said, y'all, I took my daughter. Y'all, I took

635
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,040
Speaker 3: my daughter, and they didn't know what I was talking about.

636
00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:58,080
Speaker 3: Because it was forty years ago, right right, you know.

637
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:01,040
Speaker 2: But but you find it was on your voice.

638
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:01,839
Speaker 4: Yes, and so.

639
00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:05,879
Speaker 3: But last, like I said, last year, I've done I've

640
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:12,000
Speaker 3: done two conferences titled this is My Exodus, and it

641
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:15,439
Speaker 3: was last year was the very first one that I did.

642
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:21,040
Speaker 3: And that was the time that the day after the conference,

643
00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:26,680
Speaker 3: and it's tailor made for those that have been abused,

644
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,600
Speaker 3: because abuse is abused, So it was for everyone that

645
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,439
Speaker 3: have been abused, because it was tailor made for those

646
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:37,040
Speaker 3: that have been abused and sexually valiated within the walls

647
00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:42,799
Speaker 3: of the church. And so I have sessions and just

648
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:48,000
Speaker 3: powerful and the day, the last day of the conference,

649
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:50,960
Speaker 3: I didn't know if I could make it. I was

650
00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:55,200
Speaker 3: so full because everybody had got free in everybody praison Lord,

651
00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:57,759
Speaker 3: and it's like God, but what about me? You know,

652
00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,600
Speaker 3: I haven't met my daughter. I don't know she is,

653
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:04,759
Speaker 3: I don't know her name. And so I just poured out,

654
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:09,279
Speaker 3: I emptied out. I cried so much, so long. I

655
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:11,560
Speaker 3: didn't even know if I could make it to the service,

656
00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:15,839
Speaker 3: because that's how bad off I was. And I had

657
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:19,759
Speaker 3: a counselor that was present, and I called her and

658
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,600
Speaker 3: I said, you know, they took my daughter.

659
00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:22,799
Speaker 4: They took her.

660
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:25,719
Speaker 3: They I mean, it was just like a floodgate. But

661
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:28,320
Speaker 3: I had been holding that for for forty years.

662
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:33,160
Speaker 1: Those emotions, yes, yeah, yeah, I know, to be a

663
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,000
Speaker 1: very overwhelming, like.

664
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:40,279
Speaker 4: It was so overwhelming. It was so overwhelming every day.

665
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:44,239
Speaker 3: And finally I got to the point where I said,

666
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,160
Speaker 3: I forgive children service board because I held on. I

667
00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:50,080
Speaker 3: held on to the hate and the anger with them

668
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,040
Speaker 3: for two reasons. I felt like because the way y'all

669
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:57,000
Speaker 3: did me. And then secondly, if I had, if I

670
00:38:57,040 --> 00:38:59,400
Speaker 3: had let it go, I would have been letting my

671
00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:04,560
Speaker 3: daughter go, right, you know what I'm saying. So, but

672
00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 3: I got to the point where I said I forgive them.

673
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:08,400
Speaker 4: I forgive them.

674
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:14,440
Speaker 3: And that very next day, which was May twenty third,

675
00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:19,480
Speaker 3: someone caught me and said, I found your daughter.

676
00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:24,120
Speaker 4: Oh wow, after forty years.

677
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 1: You know, I always tell people when you surrender, to render.

678
00:39:30,640 --> 00:39:34,200
Speaker 1: I'm telling you that I would make things move so fast.

679
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:35,480
Speaker 4: Oh my god.

680
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:40,239
Speaker 3: And you know what happened is my nephew, Richard, had

681
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:44,520
Speaker 3: taken a twenty three and me DNA test because he

682
00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:48,840
Speaker 3: was looking for he was looking for his father's side

683
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:54,080
Speaker 3: of the family, right, And so my granddaughter, My daughter's

684
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:59,160
Speaker 3: daughter had taken the same test and it came.

685
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:00,600
Speaker 4: Back that they were first cousins.

686
00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:08,600
Speaker 3: And so when she emailed him on the site April ninth,

687
00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:12,600
Speaker 3: I think he didn't go back and check out the

688
00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:15,160
Speaker 3: site till May twenty third, that was the day after

689
00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:19,720
Speaker 3: the conference. And so when he did that, he saw

690
00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:22,680
Speaker 3: her email from April ninth.

691
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:23,760
Speaker 4: Isn't that something?

692
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:27,480
Speaker 3: He didn't open it until May twenty third?

693
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:30,320
Speaker 4: What's the site? Oh my god?

694
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:34,959
Speaker 3: And so when I was talking to her, her son,

695
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:38,520
Speaker 3: my grandson. I have two grand dollars and one grandson,

696
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 3: my first sat he told me, he says.

697
00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:45,200
Speaker 4: Well, her middle name is Brion.

698
00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:50,399
Speaker 3: And I was like, because this is when we're still

699
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:55,400
Speaker 3: trying to find out is this really her? And I

700
00:40:55,440 --> 00:41:01,759
Speaker 3: don't know if that caseworker had a sense of decency,

701
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,960
Speaker 3: but she I don't know. She told the lady that

702
00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:09,520
Speaker 3: adopted her that I wanted to name her Brion, but

703
00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:11,239
Speaker 3: I couldn't believe it.

704
00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:13,080
Speaker 4: I knew that that's my daughter.

705
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,239
Speaker 3: And when I talked to my daughter, she was like,

706
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:20,479
Speaker 3: I just loved my middle name so much. She didn't

707
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:22,880
Speaker 3: even know I name I game with that name, but

708
00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:24,399
Speaker 3: she said she just loved it so much.

709
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:26,839
Speaker 4: So I'm telling you God was just all in the

710
00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:30,040
Speaker 4: workings of it. It can't nobody get the glory. But

711
00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:33,520
Speaker 4: what happened? But God powerful?

712
00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:36,200
Speaker 2: Now, how did you reconnect with the boy?

713
00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:40,120
Speaker 1: Because I feel like, if I'm not mistaken, you wanted

714
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:41,520
Speaker 1: to like speak to him, like you want to reach

715
00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:43,240
Speaker 1: out and have a conversation with him about something.

716
00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:43,719
Speaker 4: Yes.

717
00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:48,840
Speaker 3: Yes, So I was now sixteen because I have my

718
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:54,080
Speaker 3: daughter at fifteen, so I'm sixteen. I'm at the back

719
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:58,520
Speaker 3: of the group home where I was graduated. And you know,

720
00:41:59,239 --> 00:42:03,960
Speaker 3: again it was like he saved me, you know, and

721
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:07,120
Speaker 3: I just dusted off my loyal t hat and I

722
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:09,800
Speaker 3: put it right back on. So when I went back

723
00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:16,800
Speaker 3: this time, we had a talk and again I started

724
00:42:16,800 --> 00:42:19,239
Speaker 3: to giving myself away to him.

725
00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:23,880
Speaker 4: Protected this time I still loved him.

726
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:30,360
Speaker 3: After all of that, I still loved this boy.

727
00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:33,160
Speaker 4: And so one.

728
00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:36,160
Speaker 2: Night also he was your first, so and he was my.

729
00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:37,359
Speaker 4: First, and so.

730
00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:41,320
Speaker 3: You know, it was just but it was still the

731
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:45,040
Speaker 3: light skinned girls was around. I couldn't you know, it's

732
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:48,439
Speaker 3: the same same cycle. I couldn't say anything to him,

733
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:50,839
Speaker 3: and I was okay with that. Well, you know, he'll

734
00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:54,839
Speaker 3: call her, he'll come over. I just I just was

735
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:59,240
Speaker 3: in that space like this is even in my twenties, okay,

736
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:02,560
Speaker 3: because I was with them up until like thirties up

737
00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:06,160
Speaker 3: and actually, oh wow, but there was there was one

738
00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:09,560
Speaker 3: night we were at church because now he's a van driver.

739
00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:14,640
Speaker 3: He's eighteen now, and so all the girls will paling

740
00:43:14,719 --> 00:43:19,320
Speaker 3: and see who's gonna take home last, you know, whatever happened.

741
00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:22,400
Speaker 3: So even me, like I wanted it to be with

742
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:25,920
Speaker 3: this guy, like I just loved him, right, So there

743
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:28,640
Speaker 3: was one night he and one of his friends was

744
00:43:28,680 --> 00:43:31,879
Speaker 3: on the vand and me, so I'm thinking, Okay, they're

745
00:43:31,880 --> 00:43:36,000
Speaker 3: gonna drop me off and you know, go do whatever

746
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:39,279
Speaker 3: they're gonna do. But when I was looking down, I

747
00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:41,480
Speaker 3: found looked up. We're on this dark.

748
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:46,040
Speaker 2: Road, right, and so you him and his friend.

749
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:47,600
Speaker 4: Meet him and his friend.

750
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:52,040
Speaker 3: So at first glance, fear hit me, and I talked

751
00:43:52,040 --> 00:43:55,040
Speaker 3: myself through, Okay, you know, no, he's not gonna let

752
00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:59,480
Speaker 3: anything happen to me. That's how much confidence I had

753
00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:04,920
Speaker 3: in him. But so he wanted to have sex. We

754
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:09,400
Speaker 3: on the church band sex and and of course whatever

755
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:12,359
Speaker 3: he wanted to wanted me to do, I would do it.

756
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:16,839
Speaker 3: And so I said, well, what about him. He's out

757
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:19,680
Speaker 3: there because he got out. The friend got out. He said,

758
00:44:19,719 --> 00:44:24,040
Speaker 3: oh no, it's cool. So after he has sex with me,

759
00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:27,200
Speaker 3: I'm trying to get up to put my clothes on,

760
00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:29,240
Speaker 3: to get home, to get showering things like that.

761
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:32,400
Speaker 4: He told me to stay right there, and I'm like

762
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:33,000
Speaker 4: for what?

763
00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:38,040
Speaker 3: And he had my arm and so as I'm trying

764
00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:40,719
Speaker 3: to get up because now this fear is overwhelming, now

765
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:43,840
Speaker 3: like this is not right, Some's not right, he tapped

766
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,520
Speaker 3: on the window, told his frint to come in. They

767
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:50,759
Speaker 3: started fighting with me and I'm kicking. I'm screaming, like

768
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 3: what are you doing? What are you doing? But he

769
00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:57,359
Speaker 3: let the guy get between my legs and penetrate me,

770
00:44:57,960 --> 00:45:01,000
Speaker 3: and he had sex with me, walked out, he got

771
00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:01,520
Speaker 3: out the band.

772
00:45:02,360 --> 00:45:04,600
Speaker 1: Wow, is it hard for you to like tell you

773
00:45:04,640 --> 00:45:06,600
Speaker 1: to share your story because you have a lot of

774
00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:08,480
Speaker 1: in your story?

775
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:09,640
Speaker 5: You know what?

776
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:16,719
Speaker 3: Because I am hell and I am made whole now I.

777
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:18,160
Speaker 4: Can I can talk about it.

778
00:45:19,719 --> 00:45:23,840
Speaker 3: I hit it, I buried it for forty years until

779
00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:26,279
Speaker 3: the Lord started dealing with me and tell me what

780
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:29,720
Speaker 3: I need to do to be made hole.

781
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:31,000
Speaker 4: Because I was healed.

782
00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:34,520
Speaker 3: I walked around here, but I was still bleeding on

783
00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:38,680
Speaker 3: the inside, you know, spiritually, and.

784
00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:41,359
Speaker 4: You know when we when he.

785
00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:44,359
Speaker 3: Got done, they high fived each other, and I was

786
00:45:44,400 --> 00:45:48,440
Speaker 3: crying and I was used to just inverting my tears

787
00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:53,240
Speaker 3: and you know, things like that, because I just buried everything.

788
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:55,759
Speaker 3: But when I got back to the house, he just

789
00:45:55,760 --> 00:45:56,839
Speaker 3: told me get out.

790
00:45:58,280 --> 00:45:59,560
Speaker 4: I just got out and walk.

791
00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:03,480
Speaker 3: They just rove off and left me to get up

792
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:05,280
Speaker 3: to the house by myself.

793
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:08,080
Speaker 2: Now, how did you and him get married? And I

794
00:46:08,120 --> 00:46:09,560
Speaker 2: felt like one.

795
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:11,360
Speaker 1: Of the main reasons why he got y'all got married

796
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:14,560
Speaker 1: because he was in trouble. Yes, And was he in

797
00:46:14,560 --> 00:46:16,480
Speaker 1: trouble for messing with underage girls?

798
00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:21,480
Speaker 3: Oh no, no, no, no, not not my ex husband.

799
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:22,320
Speaker 2: No, okay.

800
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:28,240
Speaker 3: What happened is he had gotten in some trouble, okay,

801
00:46:28,560 --> 00:46:35,040
Speaker 3: And because I had already had the four children by him, okay,

802
00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:39,640
Speaker 3: hopefully five with my daughter, I had the four children.

803
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:44,760
Speaker 3: So he called me one day and said, guess what.

804
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:46,560
Speaker 4: Me and my mother and my sister's doing.

805
00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:51,280
Speaker 3: I said, what, I was pregnant with my youngest daughter

806
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:52,120
Speaker 3: at that time.

807
00:46:52,239 --> 00:46:52,680
Speaker 2: And how old?

808
00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:53,120
Speaker 4: I said?

809
00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:54,000
Speaker 2: How old was he?

810
00:46:54,239 --> 00:46:59,000
Speaker 3: Ooh, my goodness, I was probably like thirty something.

811
00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:03,399
Speaker 2: Wow, So you've been knowing this man since you was fourteen.

812
00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:07,560
Speaker 3: Twelve twelve, after my mom died, they took me to

813
00:47:07,600 --> 00:47:08,239
Speaker 3: the foster home.

814
00:47:08,239 --> 00:47:09,920
Speaker 4: I was twelve, twenty thirteen.

815
00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:12,759
Speaker 2: And he yes, if you was thirty, that means he

816
00:47:12,880 --> 00:47:14,879
Speaker 2: was what thirty five, thirty.

817
00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:16,719
Speaker 4: Four somewhere in there.

818
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:20,879
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I mean yeah, I have five kids by

819
00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:23,680
Speaker 3: the black kids, right, black kids, right, black kids?

820
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:38,600
Speaker 5: Right?

821
00:47:41,640 --> 00:47:47,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, hopefully five. But he called me one day and said,

822
00:47:47,600 --> 00:47:51,480
Speaker 3: guess what me and my mother my sisters are doing.

823
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:54,640
Speaker 4: I said what he says, We're.

824
00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:59,279
Speaker 3: Planning our wedding and I said, and I'm not there,

825
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:05,040
Speaker 3: you know, you know, it was just it was just bad.

826
00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:07,200
Speaker 4: But he saved me.

827
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:10,239
Speaker 3: And that's that's where my mind was. I was still

828
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:13,799
Speaker 3: a thirteen fourteen year old when I was thirty thirty five.

829
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:17,600
Speaker 3: I was still that thirteen fourteen year old girl that

830
00:48:17,719 --> 00:48:18,280
Speaker 3: he's saved.

831
00:48:18,360 --> 00:48:20,480
Speaker 4: So my loyalty was still there.

832
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:23,720
Speaker 3: And he says, well, yeah, so I mean they made

833
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:26,920
Speaker 3: I said, well, you know, well, how's this gonna work?

834
00:48:27,160 --> 00:48:28,919
Speaker 3: I mean, what if I don't want to marry you?

835
00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:35,959
Speaker 3: But I married him, you know, And so everyone knew

836
00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:40,399
Speaker 3: what was going on, accepts me. But one of our

837
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:43,400
Speaker 3: mutual friends, she said, read that's my nickname.

838
00:48:43,480 --> 00:48:45,759
Speaker 4: Read. I don't want you to look stupid no more.

839
00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:46,840
Speaker 4: I have to tell you something.

840
00:48:47,520 --> 00:48:52,120
Speaker 3: I said, okay, yeah, and she says she told me

841
00:48:52,120 --> 00:48:57,080
Speaker 3: that he had gotten in some trouble and their attorney,

842
00:48:57,200 --> 00:49:02,160
Speaker 3: his attorney suggested that he married me because I have

843
00:49:02,880 --> 00:49:03,600
Speaker 3: the children.

844
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:06,440
Speaker 4: It will look good in front of the judge.

845
00:49:07,200 --> 00:49:08,560
Speaker 2: Do you have any other children?

846
00:49:09,239 --> 00:49:09,439
Speaker 4: No?

847
00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:11,080
Speaker 2: Oh wow, No.

848
00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:18,040
Speaker 3: Not at that time, and so he said he would

849
00:49:18,280 --> 00:49:21,720
Speaker 3: it would look good if he married me. So that's

850
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:26,839
Speaker 3: the only reason he married me, so he can get

851
00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:30,880
Speaker 3: less time in prison. And when I found that out,

852
00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:33,279
Speaker 3: I was just you know how you cry and you

853
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:35,520
Speaker 3: won't have no more tears to cray, but you're still crying.

854
00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:40,080
Speaker 3: That's how I was, because I cried so many years,

855
00:49:40,239 --> 00:49:40,440
Speaker 3: you know.

856
00:49:41,160 --> 00:49:42,799
Speaker 4: And after that it was like.

857
00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:48,080
Speaker 3: Wow, I don't know if you remember the original Perry

858
00:49:48,640 --> 00:49:51,080
Speaker 3: when her mother was dancing a rock saying, they're gonna

859
00:49:51,120 --> 00:49:54,040
Speaker 3: laugh at you, They're gonna laugh at you. You know,

860
00:49:54,280 --> 00:49:56,840
Speaker 3: it was like they had already been laughing at me

861
00:49:57,560 --> 00:50:01,480
Speaker 3: because I was the only one that didn't know what

862
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:05,320
Speaker 3: was actually going on. I mean, the family knew, obviously,

863
00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:11,920
Speaker 3: she knew. I just didn't know. And it was like, wow,

864
00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:15,160
Speaker 3: I mean that did something to me. So I pretty

865
00:50:15,200 --> 00:50:18,319
Speaker 3: much saved him too. You know, I saved him from

866
00:50:18,360 --> 00:50:22,839
Speaker 3: prison time when you look at it. But how long,

867
00:50:23,080 --> 00:50:26,959
Speaker 3: I'm telling her, I'm not sure. It wasn't that long,

868
00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:30,040
Speaker 3: you know. So I guess it worked that.

869
00:50:30,560 --> 00:50:33,240
Speaker 4: You know, he was a family man. You know, lawiers

870
00:50:33,320 --> 00:50:39,279
Speaker 4: be lying was looking good, right, so you know.

871
00:50:39,480 --> 00:50:42,560
Speaker 3: He said whatever he said, and he did not spend

872
00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:44,120
Speaker 3: a lot of time.

873
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:46,240
Speaker 4: In there.

874
00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:51,440
Speaker 3: But I got to a place where and then I

875
00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:56,480
Speaker 3: had my son, okay, and so but I got to

876
00:50:56,520 --> 00:51:01,480
Speaker 3: a place that I'm better than this. I have these children.

877
00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:06,279
Speaker 3: I can't let them see that what I'm going through

878
00:51:06,360 --> 00:51:09,000
Speaker 3: is okay because I don't want them to experience that.

879
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:15,080
Speaker 4: Right. That's how so I got to the place where

880
00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:20,600
Speaker 4: I was. I was done. I mean the the marriage.

881
00:51:22,239 --> 00:51:27,960
Speaker 3: Lasted, you know, honestly, evy, I I don't even know

882
00:51:28,040 --> 00:51:32,480
Speaker 3: when I got married, because I it was so bad

883
00:51:32,520 --> 00:51:37,360
Speaker 3: that I suppressed the memories. But I remember when I

884
00:51:37,360 --> 00:51:39,040
Speaker 3: I remember I did get divorced.

885
00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:40,120
Speaker 4: I remember that.

886
00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:42,759
Speaker 5: Well.

887
00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:46,680
Speaker 3: The ring had like tape on it, and it wasn't

888
00:51:46,800 --> 00:51:49,839
Speaker 3: like a diamond in there.

889
00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:52,520
Speaker 4: It was just it looked like it was something about

890
00:51:52,520 --> 00:51:54,160
Speaker 4: the cracker jack box. You know.

891
00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:58,960
Speaker 2: It, mama, his sisters.

892
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:08,919
Speaker 4: Spot wou Yes, you know. I was so taken advantage

893
00:52:08,920 --> 00:52:10,040
Speaker 4: of I'm telling.

894
00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:14,000
Speaker 2: You, took advantage of you to the max. Like my god.

895
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:17,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, it was bad. It was bad.

896
00:52:19,239 --> 00:52:20,920
Speaker 3: And and you know, people said, well, why did you

897
00:52:21,000 --> 00:52:21,880
Speaker 3: keep going back?

898
00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:25,200
Speaker 4: It was a trauma bond, that's all you knew. That's

899
00:52:25,239 --> 00:52:26,320
Speaker 4: that's all I knew.

900
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:31,440
Speaker 3: And that it was trauma, that's all I can think of.

901
00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:33,439
Speaker 3: That's when I could because I was like, why why

902
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:34,520
Speaker 3: did I keep going back?

903
00:52:34,719 --> 00:52:34,879
Speaker 5: Right?

904
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:40,040
Speaker 3: And yeah? And I was just connected to him. He

905
00:52:40,080 --> 00:52:42,200
Speaker 3: told me would nobody want me? And things like that.

906
00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:45,080
Speaker 3: So I believed it. When you when you hands up

907
00:52:45,200 --> 00:52:49,680
Speaker 3: constantly every day, day and day out, you just you

908
00:52:49,760 --> 00:52:50,600
Speaker 3: just believe it.

909
00:52:51,239 --> 00:52:53,200
Speaker 2: So what did you relationship like now?

910
00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:56,440
Speaker 1: Since since he is the father of your children and

911
00:52:57,760 --> 00:52:59,840
Speaker 1: you know where everything that taking place between y'all, Like,

912
00:53:00,920 --> 00:53:01,640
Speaker 1: do y'all speak?

913
00:53:01,680 --> 00:53:06,480
Speaker 4: No contact? No contact?

914
00:53:06,560 --> 00:53:11,719
Speaker 3: He has he's married and have other children now, and

915
00:53:11,760 --> 00:53:15,359
Speaker 3: I pray that he well, he's taking care of those

916
00:53:15,440 --> 00:53:18,680
Speaker 3: children because he didn't take care of mine. They my

917
00:53:18,800 --> 00:53:20,440
Speaker 3: children don't have any contact with.

918
00:53:20,440 --> 00:53:21,919
Speaker 4: Them at all.

919
00:53:22,080 --> 00:53:25,040
Speaker 1: So when you told your children everything about your story,

920
00:53:25,640 --> 00:53:28,200
Speaker 1: especially him being involved in and what was their response.

921
00:53:29,560 --> 00:53:33,760
Speaker 3: All the emotions flew. It was That's why I knew.

922
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:37,480
Speaker 3: That's why I told God. I can't tell them. It

923
00:53:37,520 --> 00:53:41,640
Speaker 3: is too much, it's too much, it's too painful. I

924
00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:44,680
Speaker 3: tell them that I was raped, you know, I can't.

925
00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:49,279
Speaker 3: But when I got to that place that loved that

926
00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:52,319
Speaker 3: that it be because it became a part of me.

927
00:53:53,400 --> 00:53:57,279
Speaker 3: That that that story, my abuse, all of that, it

928
00:53:57,320 --> 00:54:00,680
Speaker 3: was a part of my skin. So that's just like

929
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:03,359
Speaker 3: peeling your skin back.

930
00:54:03,719 --> 00:54:04,120
Speaker 4: It was.

931
00:54:04,239 --> 00:54:08,120
Speaker 3: It was Hororfye, it was painful. It was so painful,

932
00:54:08,680 --> 00:54:14,800
Speaker 3: but I got to that place. I did it. You know, tears,

933
00:54:15,120 --> 00:54:18,440
Speaker 3: the crying, you know, I got my son, he was

934
00:54:19,160 --> 00:54:22,759
Speaker 3: It was just a horrible scene, but I got through it.

935
00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:23,200
Speaker 2: Yeah.

936
00:54:23,560 --> 00:54:27,479
Speaker 1: So have you encountered any challenges in rebuilding a sense

937
00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:29,719
Speaker 1: of safety and security within the church.

938
00:54:35,080 --> 00:54:40,279
Speaker 3: See, the church and and and my relationship with God

939
00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:42,040
Speaker 3: is just two different things.

940
00:54:43,520 --> 00:54:44,400
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.

941
00:54:45,080 --> 00:54:50,480
Speaker 3: We are the church and so I don't really I mean,

942
00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:53,279
Speaker 3: I just started going to a church. I loved the

943
00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:58,040
Speaker 3: pastor and his wife and we're friends. So but for

944
00:54:58,160 --> 00:55:00,479
Speaker 3: a long time, it was like, you know, I'm really

945
00:55:00,520 --> 00:55:06,080
Speaker 3: over the church thing. Because my relationship is with God.

946
00:55:06,160 --> 00:55:08,440
Speaker 3: So I buried it.

947
00:55:08,520 --> 00:55:09,000
Speaker 4: You know what.

948
00:55:09,400 --> 00:55:11,719
Speaker 3: But I always tell people, I said, people that have

949
00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:17,360
Speaker 3: been abused, we're pretenders. We are great pretenders because on

950
00:55:17,480 --> 00:55:20,759
Speaker 3: the outside we paint this picture to you so you

951
00:55:20,800 --> 00:55:23,920
Speaker 3: can see a smiling so you can see us. But

952
00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:26,560
Speaker 3: on the inside we tore up from the flow up.

953
00:55:27,480 --> 00:55:31,359
Speaker 3: You know, we're great pretenders. So I don't have to

954
00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:35,480
Speaker 3: pretend anymore because I'm free now, you know. And so

955
00:55:35,640 --> 00:55:38,160
Speaker 3: that's the place that I want to get the people

956
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:40,600
Speaker 3: that I talked to, I want them to get to

957
00:55:40,680 --> 00:55:45,359
Speaker 3: a place of freedom, into a place of victory. And

958
00:55:45,360 --> 00:55:47,200
Speaker 3: when you say this is when I say, this is

959
00:55:47,280 --> 00:55:51,040
Speaker 3: my exodus. When you think about Moses and how he

960
00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:55,840
Speaker 3: was delivering the people out of Egypt, it was a

961
00:55:55,880 --> 00:56:01,160
Speaker 3: place of bondage, it was a place of read And

962
00:56:01,239 --> 00:56:05,640
Speaker 3: that's how I like it, unto my book and my conferences,

963
00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:08,960
Speaker 3: Like we're in Egypt, we're still stuck in our minds,

964
00:56:08,960 --> 00:56:14,120
Speaker 3: in our emotions and our mental states, and we don't

965
00:56:14,160 --> 00:56:15,040
Speaker 3: have to be there.

966
00:56:15,239 --> 00:56:17,000
Speaker 4: We don't have to be there. We can be free.

967
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:18,839
Speaker 4: We can make our exodus.

968
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:22,040
Speaker 1: So what happened to the pastor and the elder? Like

969
00:56:22,040 --> 00:56:25,920
Speaker 1: did they ever, like, like are they in jail?

970
00:56:26,040 --> 00:56:28,160
Speaker 2: Or like are they still? Like what's going on with them?

971
00:56:28,920 --> 00:56:30,440
Speaker 4: So I don't actually know.

972
00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:35,239
Speaker 3: I don't see or hear about any of them at

973
00:56:35,280 --> 00:56:36,000
Speaker 3: this point.

974
00:56:37,280 --> 00:56:40,880
Speaker 4: I know the pastors, he's probably really old now. But

975
00:56:41,760 --> 00:56:44,959
Speaker 4: the elder, I don't know. I don't know. I don't

976
00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:50,120
Speaker 4: know where they at. But it was.

977
00:56:52,400 --> 00:56:54,799
Speaker 3: And and I probably and I'm sure I wasn't the

978
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:57,319
Speaker 3: only one.

979
00:56:55,800 --> 00:56:59,520
Speaker 2: I'm sure you wasn't the last one.

980
00:57:00,120 --> 00:57:03,040
Speaker 3: And I'm pretty sure I wasn't the last one. But

981
00:57:03,800 --> 00:57:07,960
Speaker 3: God has to deal with them on that. And I

982
00:57:08,040 --> 00:57:11,200
Speaker 3: told people, I said, look, if that was my assignment

983
00:57:11,640 --> 00:57:14,080
Speaker 3: to to to throw off names, I would have been

984
00:57:14,080 --> 00:57:17,960
Speaker 3: shooting from both hips, you know, to you know, but

985
00:57:18,080 --> 00:57:22,560
Speaker 3: that's not my assignment. My assignment is truly to the

986
00:57:22,760 --> 00:57:24,600
Speaker 3: people that have been.

987
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:26,040
Speaker 4: Heard and wounded.

988
00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:32,720
Speaker 3: I'm struggling with their identity, their sexual identity because of

989
00:57:33,040 --> 00:57:37,160
Speaker 3: what they've gone through in these churches and and and

990
00:57:37,280 --> 00:57:41,680
Speaker 3: a period because of abuse is abused, its abused. But

991
00:57:42,520 --> 00:57:47,160
Speaker 3: because I've actually went through pretty much all of the abuses,

992
00:57:47,440 --> 00:57:48,640
Speaker 3: you know, I can.

993
00:57:49,520 --> 00:57:52,760
Speaker 4: I want to be there and help those to get

994
00:57:52,920 --> 00:57:55,440
Speaker 4: to come across to their promised land.

995
00:57:55,640 --> 00:57:57,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, what just came to mind.

996
00:57:57,840 --> 00:57:59,920
Speaker 1: I was thinking about your self love and your self war,

997
00:58:00,320 --> 00:58:02,480
Speaker 1: like how did you rebuild that or did you have

998
00:58:02,560 --> 00:58:04,640
Speaker 1: to like discover it all over again.

999
00:58:05,800 --> 00:58:08,480
Speaker 4: So it took me longer to.

1000
00:58:10,200 --> 00:58:15,840
Speaker 3: Love myself because I was told that I was ugly

1001
00:58:16,680 --> 00:58:20,880
Speaker 3: and I wasn't loved and I'm only worth a good screw,

1002
00:58:21,120 --> 00:58:24,600
Speaker 3: you know. Those were the things that he would pound

1003
00:58:24,720 --> 00:58:29,680
Speaker 3: in me. And because I believed that, I started being

1004
00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:36,720
Speaker 3: her miscalous and trying to make him my ex husband

1005
00:58:36,800 --> 00:58:40,600
Speaker 3: out of a liar, like, no, somebody else is going

1006
00:58:40,680 --> 00:58:43,480
Speaker 3: to want me, I know. But and it was crazy

1007
00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:46,480
Speaker 3: because even though he said those things to me and

1008
00:58:46,560 --> 00:58:50,200
Speaker 3: I knew that they were alive, I started living that lie.

1009
00:58:50,840 --> 00:58:52,000
Speaker 4: I started.

1010
00:58:53,560 --> 00:58:56,160
Speaker 3: Looking for love and all the wrong on places, if

1011
00:58:56,200 --> 00:59:00,880
Speaker 3: you will. And it was like every guy that I

1012
00:59:01,040 --> 00:59:04,000
Speaker 3: laid with, yeah it was it was just a good

1013
00:59:04,080 --> 00:59:08,920
Speaker 3: it was just a screw. No, And so I believed

1014
00:59:08,920 --> 00:59:11,880
Speaker 3: a lie and I started living a life. But I

1015
00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:18,240
Speaker 3: got to a place, probably like fourteen years ago, where

1016
00:59:18,240 --> 00:59:23,840
Speaker 3: I was with this guy and I wanted and he

1017
00:59:24,000 --> 00:59:27,720
Speaker 3: was like one of the best guys that I had

1018
00:59:27,840 --> 00:59:30,480
Speaker 3: ever been with. And it wasn't a lot of guys

1019
00:59:30,480 --> 00:59:34,160
Speaker 3: that I had dealt with. I had my share, you

1020
00:59:34,200 --> 00:59:39,440
Speaker 3: know what I'm saying. So, but he was cool, but

1021
00:59:39,520 --> 00:59:41,400
Speaker 3: it didn't look like he wanted to marry. And I

1022
00:59:41,480 --> 00:59:44,600
Speaker 3: wanted to get married only because but I was using

1023
00:59:44,800 --> 00:59:46,560
Speaker 3: marriage for a crutch.

1024
00:59:47,960 --> 00:59:48,560
Speaker 4: I was using.

1025
00:59:49,160 --> 00:59:53,160
Speaker 3: I was using my desire to be married to fill

1026
00:59:53,240 --> 00:59:55,680
Speaker 3: a hole that I had in my.

1027
00:59:55,920 --> 00:59:57,360
Speaker 4: In my heart and in myself.

1028
00:59:57,560 --> 01:00:00,160
Speaker 3: That's what you need, because I felt like that's what

1029
01:00:00,200 --> 01:00:05,040
Speaker 3: I needed, especially when I Yeah, but when I got

1030
01:00:05,080 --> 01:00:09,040
Speaker 3: to the point where I didn't want it as a

1031
01:00:09,120 --> 01:00:11,720
Speaker 3: crutch anymore. I don't need to be married. If I

1032
01:00:11,760 --> 01:00:14,760
Speaker 3: don't get married, i'm cool. If I do, I'm cool.

1033
01:00:14,800 --> 01:00:16,880
Speaker 3: But it was like I was running after this thing,

1034
01:00:17,440 --> 01:00:19,440
Speaker 3: like I need to get married. I need to get married,

1035
01:00:19,440 --> 01:00:21,960
Speaker 3: because again I was still trying to prove my ex

1036
01:00:22,080 --> 01:00:25,440
Speaker 3: husband wrong. Then somebody would want me on their arm,

1037
01:00:26,120 --> 01:00:29,439
Speaker 3: you know, somebody would want me not just to lay

1038
01:00:29,480 --> 01:00:32,320
Speaker 3: with me, but otherwise, you know. So I was trying

1039
01:00:32,320 --> 01:00:36,520
Speaker 3: to prove that point. But I gave that up. And

1040
01:00:36,600 --> 01:00:40,360
Speaker 3: so I was with this guy like fourteen years.

1041
01:00:40,200 --> 01:00:41,880
Speaker 4: Ago, and.

1042
01:00:43,320 --> 01:00:47,160
Speaker 3: Listen, I told him, I said, I'm done with this.

1043
01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:51,680
Speaker 3: I said, yeah, this is the last time you get

1044
01:00:51,800 --> 01:00:52,920
Speaker 3: my pussick.

1045
01:00:54,280 --> 01:00:54,680
Speaker 5: That's it.

1046
01:00:55,760 --> 01:01:01,240
Speaker 3: I'm better than this. And I walked away. And I've

1047
01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:03,600
Speaker 3: been sullibant for fourteen years.

1048
01:01:04,120 --> 01:01:04,480
Speaker 5: Wow.

1049
01:01:05,040 --> 01:01:08,600
Speaker 3: So, by the grace of God, because I told God us,

1050
01:01:08,640 --> 01:01:11,720
Speaker 3: I made a vow. I said, the next man I

1051
01:01:11,800 --> 01:01:16,360
Speaker 3: sleep with, he's gonna be my husband, because I got

1052
01:01:16,400 --> 01:01:20,160
Speaker 3: tired of giving myself away, just giving myself away, you know,

1053
01:01:20,280 --> 01:01:23,600
Speaker 3: giving myself away, giving myself away, just for the sake

1054
01:01:23,640 --> 01:01:27,240
Speaker 3: of feeling love, just for the sake of you know,

1055
01:01:27,320 --> 01:01:30,000
Speaker 3: even though it wasn't love, but it felt like love

1056
01:01:30,040 --> 01:01:33,360
Speaker 3: to me for even for a night, for a night,

1057
01:01:33,640 --> 01:01:37,560
Speaker 3: you know. And so I did that and I just

1058
01:01:37,600 --> 01:01:41,640
Speaker 3: walked away. I said, yeah, I'm done. I'm done. And

1059
01:01:41,840 --> 01:01:47,720
Speaker 3: so saying laws than fourteen years now, I know, help

1060
01:01:47,800 --> 01:01:49,000
Speaker 3: us to stay out, you know.

1061
01:01:50,440 --> 01:01:54,000
Speaker 4: But you know, I just I.

1062
01:01:54,000 --> 01:01:57,520
Speaker 3: Just I'm married to ministry.

1063
01:01:58,040 --> 01:01:59,880
Speaker 4: You know, I'm married to ministry.

1064
01:02:00,520 --> 01:02:04,840
Speaker 3: And yeah, sometimes when I have those lonely moments, I

1065
01:02:04,880 --> 01:02:08,280
Speaker 3: think about what he said about nobody's.

1066
01:02:07,880 --> 01:02:09,240
Speaker 4: Gonna want you.

1067
01:02:09,240 --> 01:02:12,240
Speaker 3: You know, those thoughts try to come back and haunt me.

1068
01:02:13,200 --> 01:02:17,240
Speaker 3: But that's why I have a session during my conferences

1069
01:02:17,280 --> 01:02:23,400
Speaker 3: that it's called put something in the house here. So yes,

1070
01:02:23,800 --> 01:02:27,120
Speaker 3: so if I put I have self worth in my house.

1071
01:02:27,560 --> 01:02:31,760
Speaker 3: It doesn't matter if you tell me I'm ugly, I

1072
01:02:31,800 --> 01:02:33,040
Speaker 3: have something in my house.

1073
01:02:33,120 --> 01:02:35,120
Speaker 4: So those thoughts.

1074
01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:38,960
Speaker 3: I still fight with those thoughts because they come back.

1075
01:02:39,480 --> 01:02:42,680
Speaker 3: After they leave, they come back. So you have to

1076
01:02:42,760 --> 01:02:45,840
Speaker 3: know how to not entertain them. You have to know

1077
01:02:45,880 --> 01:02:48,360
Speaker 3: how to cut them off at the gate. Don't even

1078
01:02:48,880 --> 01:02:52,640
Speaker 3: listen to the thoughts. When those negative thoughts come to you,

1079
01:02:52,640 --> 01:02:55,520
Speaker 3: you can't even entertain them, because once you entertain them,

1080
01:02:55,720 --> 01:02:58,960
Speaker 3: you're gonna find yourself looking back in Egypt, you know.

1081
01:02:59,400 --> 01:03:01,360
Speaker 4: And that's what my book and.

1082
01:03:01,480 --> 01:03:05,040
Speaker 3: My conferences all surround, because each was a place of bondage,

1083
01:03:05,480 --> 01:03:09,280
Speaker 3: Each was a place of captivity, And so you don't

1084
01:03:09,280 --> 01:03:14,320
Speaker 3: want your thoughts to be in captivity of anything negative.

1085
01:03:14,520 --> 01:03:18,640
Speaker 3: So yeah, it's still a fight, but I'm there. I'm

1086
01:03:18,680 --> 01:03:20,960
Speaker 3: here for it because you have to be able to

1087
01:03:21,000 --> 01:03:22,320
Speaker 3: do maintenance for your soul.

1088
01:03:22,600 --> 01:03:23,080
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1089
01:03:23,280 --> 01:03:25,919
Speaker 1: Now, what's some steps or actions that you think that

1090
01:03:25,960 --> 01:03:28,920
Speaker 1: the religious communities can take to become more responsive and

1091
01:03:29,000 --> 01:03:31,520
Speaker 1: supportive to survivors of church abuse.

1092
01:03:32,680 --> 01:03:36,720
Speaker 3: First of all, admit that it happened that part, you

1093
01:03:36,760 --> 01:03:40,080
Speaker 3: know what I'm saying, Because they sweep it under rock,

1094
01:03:40,120 --> 01:03:42,840
Speaker 3: they don't want to deal with it, and I told

1095
01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:47,880
Speaker 3: I told somebody sometimes if you could just say, we

1096
01:03:47,960 --> 01:03:51,480
Speaker 3: know that it wasn't our fault, but we know that

1097
01:03:51,560 --> 01:03:52,480
Speaker 3: you went through it.

1098
01:03:52,600 --> 01:03:54,520
Speaker 2: We're just acknowledge it, right.

1099
01:03:54,480 --> 01:04:00,840
Speaker 3: Just acknowledge it. And I say that about Bishop Shared

1100
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:07,480
Speaker 3: and evangelist Karen Clark shared. There they are now at

1101
01:04:07,520 --> 01:04:12,680
Speaker 3: the helm of this Church of God in Christ organization.

1102
01:04:14,080 --> 01:04:18,160
Speaker 3: They didn't do it. It's not their fault. But if

1103
01:04:18,200 --> 01:04:20,400
Speaker 3: they can get to a place where they've come and

1104
01:04:20,920 --> 01:04:25,720
Speaker 3: say acknowledge it, we're sorry this happened to you, that

1105
01:04:25,960 --> 01:04:31,560
Speaker 3: alone will bring healing. Just acknowledge it, because when we

1106
01:04:31,640 --> 01:04:33,840
Speaker 3: do acknowledge it, and when we do talk about it,

1107
01:04:34,080 --> 01:04:34,880
Speaker 3: we're the villain.

1108
01:04:35,160 --> 01:04:36,400
Speaker 4: You know. They sweep it under.

1109
01:04:36,200 --> 01:04:40,840
Speaker 3: The rug as if we did something, the those that

1110
01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:43,600
Speaker 3: have been abused, that did something wrong. But I hope,

1111
01:04:43,920 --> 01:04:45,800
Speaker 3: I hope I get a chance to talk to them,

1112
01:04:46,040 --> 01:04:47,000
Speaker 3: Bishop shared and.

1113
01:04:48,760 --> 01:04:50,640
Speaker 4: Evangelist Karen Clark.

1114
01:04:50,400 --> 01:04:53,520
Speaker 3: Shared, I would love to sit down and talk with them,

1115
01:04:54,120 --> 01:04:58,080
Speaker 3: uh to do a conference there. This is my exodus.

1116
01:04:58,280 --> 01:05:02,320
Speaker 3: I'm just acknowledging the fact that this happened, and it

1117
01:05:02,360 --> 01:05:06,840
Speaker 3: has happened over and over and over again, and they're

1118
01:05:06,920 --> 01:05:12,040
Speaker 3: still shouting, still raising money, still having the convocation, and

1119
01:05:12,080 --> 01:05:16,880
Speaker 3: you have all these people that are misguided, they're hurt,

1120
01:05:16,960 --> 01:05:17,800
Speaker 3: they're wounded.

1121
01:05:18,280 --> 01:05:19,400
Speaker 4: What about them?

1122
01:05:19,760 --> 01:05:24,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, people will feel comfortable with just finally like just

1123
01:05:24,640 --> 01:05:26,720
Speaker 1: wanted to come back to church and wanted to be

1124
01:05:26,760 --> 01:05:29,320
Speaker 1: more involved because they finally feel seen.

1125
01:05:29,880 --> 01:05:32,760
Speaker 3: Exactly, just because they acknowledged it.

1126
01:05:33,120 --> 01:05:35,520
Speaker 4: So I'm definitely praying for them.

1127
01:05:35,760 --> 01:05:40,919
Speaker 3: And it's like I was doing a radio interview one

1128
01:05:40,960 --> 01:05:46,840
Speaker 3: time and I was talking to the interviewer and she said, well,

1129
01:05:46,880 --> 01:05:49,160
Speaker 3: tell me your story kind of like you did Evaney.

1130
01:05:49,280 --> 01:05:52,040
Speaker 3: And I begin to tell them how you know this

1131
01:05:52,160 --> 01:05:55,120
Speaker 3: pastor and this elder and you know, things like that,

1132
01:05:55,240 --> 01:05:59,760
Speaker 3: and she stopped the interview and she said, well, we

1133
01:05:59,800 --> 01:06:02,200
Speaker 3: don't want you to talk about what the pastor and

1134
01:06:02,280 --> 01:06:06,760
Speaker 3: the elder did because that'll stop people from wanting to

1135
01:06:06,880 --> 01:06:07,880
Speaker 3: come to church.

1136
01:06:08,160 --> 01:06:08,680
Speaker 4: Wow.

1137
01:06:09,840 --> 01:06:13,080
Speaker 3: And I said, but what about the people that have

1138
01:06:13,160 --> 01:06:20,040
Speaker 3: already stopped coming to church because.

1139
01:06:18,000 --> 01:06:22,600
Speaker 4: Exactly exactly what about them?

1140
01:06:22,800 --> 01:06:24,920
Speaker 1: Like, we got to ask the right questions, why are

1141
01:06:24,920 --> 01:06:29,680
Speaker 1: people not coming to church because.

1142
01:06:28,360 --> 01:06:30,120
Speaker 4: Of what the pastor and the elder.

1143
01:06:29,840 --> 01:06:33,600
Speaker 2: Did, because the words has always been the same exactly.

1144
01:06:33,880 --> 01:06:36,680
Speaker 3: And so I was just like I started to just

1145
01:06:37,040 --> 01:06:38,440
Speaker 3: get up and just walk away.

1146
01:06:38,560 --> 01:06:41,320
Speaker 4: But the LRD said, No, you go through that interview,

1147
01:06:41,320 --> 01:06:44,000
Speaker 4: because these are the things that you're going to encounter

1148
01:06:44,760 --> 01:06:49,320
Speaker 4: as you move forward and possess your land, as you

1149
01:06:49,440 --> 01:06:54,920
Speaker 4: move forward and make get the people out of Egypt, as.

1150
01:06:54,760 --> 01:06:57,400
Speaker 3: You make your exodus out of Egypt with the people.

1151
01:06:57,800 --> 01:06:59,880
Speaker 3: These are the type of things that you're going to

1152
01:07:00,600 --> 01:07:03,200
Speaker 3: go through. So no, go ahead and and and and

1153
01:07:03,280 --> 01:07:06,320
Speaker 3: tell your story, you know. And so I want to

1154
01:07:06,520 --> 01:07:08,520
Speaker 3: tell them. I was like, you know, what about them?

1155
01:07:08,760 --> 01:07:11,560
Speaker 3: What about what about the people that are struggling now

1156
01:07:11,840 --> 01:07:15,760
Speaker 3: with their sexualities because they've been What about women?

1157
01:07:17,320 --> 01:07:22,240
Speaker 4: What about them? So, you know, but I'm encouraged.

1158
01:07:22,400 --> 01:07:25,400
Speaker 3: You know, I don't have I don't have no bitterness

1159
01:07:25,760 --> 01:07:27,160
Speaker 3: in me about anything.

1160
01:07:27,280 --> 01:07:30,360
Speaker 4: I'm not angry. I'm not, you know.

1161
01:07:30,440 --> 01:07:36,360
Speaker 3: But I was right every rightfully, So I have a right.

1162
01:07:36,760 --> 01:07:39,440
Speaker 3: Those that have been abused, they have a right to

1163
01:07:39,560 --> 01:07:42,640
Speaker 3: be angry. And and but what is that going to

1164
01:07:42,680 --> 01:07:44,520
Speaker 3: do for you?

1165
01:07:44,520 --> 01:07:46,040
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying. Some of these people have

1166
01:07:46,160 --> 01:07:47,320
Speaker 4: gone on, you have.

1167
01:07:47,480 --> 01:07:49,920
Speaker 3: I had got to a place where I had to forgive,

1168
01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:52,720
Speaker 3: you know, and I didn't want some thing.

1169
01:07:52,720 --> 01:07:54,520
Speaker 4: God, well, I have to forget them they did this

1170
01:07:54,600 --> 01:07:57,560
Speaker 4: to me. But forgiveness is not for that person.

1171
01:07:57,600 --> 01:07:58,200
Speaker 2: It's for you.

1172
01:07:59,160 --> 01:08:04,320
Speaker 4: It's for you, It's for you. It's like I'm going

1173
01:08:04,400 --> 01:08:04,919
Speaker 4: to get this strong.

1174
01:08:04,960 --> 01:08:07,240
Speaker 3: I'm holding a hot cold I'm holding a hot coal

1175
01:08:07,320 --> 01:08:10,080
Speaker 3: in my head and I'm gonna throw it at the person.

1176
01:08:10,160 --> 01:08:13,600
Speaker 3: But you're getting burned, not the person the call, my

1177
01:08:13,760 --> 01:08:17,320
Speaker 3: mix is the person. But you've gotten burned. So we

1178
01:08:17,479 --> 01:08:20,639
Speaker 3: have to get in a place where we can release

1179
01:08:20,680 --> 01:08:23,120
Speaker 3: all of that stuff and we're going to recover from it.

1180
01:08:23,200 --> 01:08:26,400
Speaker 3: I'm in my recovery. That's why I can talk about

1181
01:08:26,439 --> 01:08:29,080
Speaker 3: it how I talk about it because I'm free of it.

1182
01:08:29,680 --> 01:08:33,519
Speaker 3: But that just happened after forty years that I'm even

1183
01:08:33,600 --> 01:08:37,280
Speaker 3: able to sit here and have a full on conversation

1184
01:08:37,439 --> 01:08:41,760
Speaker 3: with you about what I went through just forty years.

1185
01:08:42,080 --> 01:08:43,840
Speaker 1: So what is your advice that you would like to

1186
01:08:43,840 --> 01:08:46,760
Speaker 1: give to other survivors who may be struggling to overcome

1187
01:08:46,800 --> 01:08:48,320
Speaker 1: the aftermath of church abuse.

1188
01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:55,719
Speaker 3: I would say, tell somebody, Tell somebody. I would say,

1189
01:08:56,280 --> 01:09:01,840
Speaker 3: you have to get to a place to where you

1190
01:09:01,960 --> 01:09:08,200
Speaker 3: are able to confront it, because if you don't confront it.

1191
01:09:07,160 --> 01:09:08,759
Speaker 4: It's gonna keep haunting you.

1192
01:09:09,760 --> 01:09:13,880
Speaker 3: It's gonna if you don't confront it, if you don't

1193
01:09:13,920 --> 01:09:20,600
Speaker 3: deal with it, if you don't release it, if you

1194
01:09:20,640 --> 01:09:25,719
Speaker 3: don't repent. If you don't you don't.

1195
01:09:25,640 --> 01:09:27,160
Speaker 2: You won't be in it.

1196
01:09:28,680 --> 01:09:30,960
Speaker 4: And when that's right, you take your power back.

1197
01:09:31,000 --> 01:09:35,439
Speaker 3: And when I say repent, we we're not repenting because

1198
01:09:35,520 --> 01:09:38,880
Speaker 3: of what happened. We're repenting because we thought it was

1199
01:09:38,920 --> 01:09:45,000
Speaker 3: our fault. We're repenting because we felt guilty, you know,

1200
01:09:45,160 --> 01:09:48,320
Speaker 3: and it wasn't our fault. And I would tell them,

1201
01:09:48,360 --> 01:09:51,280
Speaker 3: it's not your fault. What you went through is not

1202
01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:53,559
Speaker 3: your fault. So you have to have to get to

1203
01:09:53,560 --> 01:09:55,479
Speaker 3: a place where you have to you have to deal

1204
01:09:55,520 --> 01:09:58,200
Speaker 3: with that stuff. You have to deal with it, and

1205
01:09:58,240 --> 01:10:01,759
Speaker 3: you have to feel every ounce of emotion that you felt.

1206
01:10:02,120 --> 01:10:02,840
Speaker 4: And once you.

1207
01:10:02,920 --> 01:10:06,640
Speaker 3: Do all of that, you release it. You have to

1208
01:10:06,640 --> 01:10:09,640
Speaker 3: get your place to release it. You know, you have,

1209
01:10:09,960 --> 01:10:12,400
Speaker 3: you know that that movies is waiting to exhale.

1210
01:10:12,720 --> 01:10:12,960
Speaker 4: You have.

1211
01:10:13,240 --> 01:10:16,680
Speaker 3: You have to exhale at some point and release it.

1212
01:10:17,520 --> 01:10:19,200
Speaker 3: Then your recovery comes.

1213
01:10:19,600 --> 01:10:22,760
Speaker 1: My favorite jay Z lyrics is you can't heal what

1214
01:10:22,800 --> 01:10:23,519
Speaker 1: you don't reveal.

1215
01:10:24,400 --> 01:10:26,479
Speaker 4: That's it. Yeah, you can't heal.

1216
01:10:26,920 --> 01:10:30,120
Speaker 3: I mean, and I'm telling you I had high moments

1217
01:10:30,160 --> 01:10:34,040
Speaker 3: where I would, you know, go to church, I would sing,

1218
01:10:34,120 --> 01:10:36,800
Speaker 3: I would preach I will prophesy, you know, and do

1219
01:10:36,920 --> 01:10:39,800
Speaker 3: all these things, and when I go home, here come

1220
01:10:39,880 --> 01:10:44,559
Speaker 3: those thoughts. You're a whore, you're no good, you don't

1221
01:10:44,600 --> 01:10:47,599
Speaker 3: have no self work, and it would it would beat

1222
01:10:47,640 --> 01:10:50,240
Speaker 3: me down, and I would say, these thoughts they came

1223
01:10:50,360 --> 01:10:53,760
Speaker 3: like they became a god to me, because when you

1224
01:10:53,840 --> 01:10:59,479
Speaker 3: talk about God or whoever God or whatever God they served,

1225
01:11:00,080 --> 01:11:03,679
Speaker 3: it's like you reverenced that God. And when these thoughts

1226
01:11:03,720 --> 01:11:06,559
Speaker 3: would come, I didn't have nothing to fight with, so

1227
01:11:06,600 --> 01:11:10,600
Speaker 3: I had to reverence them. I stopped and listened to

1228
01:11:11,040 --> 01:11:13,720
Speaker 3: the lives that the devil was telling me. I had

1229
01:11:13,760 --> 01:11:16,719
Speaker 3: to reverence them. But now I can say, oh, yes,

1230
01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:20,680
Speaker 3: I am working, I have self work. I love myself.

1231
01:11:20,880 --> 01:11:23,280
Speaker 3: It's not my fault, you know what I'm saying. But

1232
01:11:23,320 --> 01:11:26,920
Speaker 3: it took me some time to get there. So I'm excited.

1233
01:11:27,080 --> 01:11:31,360
Speaker 3: I'm so excited that you allowed me to come on

1234
01:11:31,360 --> 01:11:32,759
Speaker 3: your platform and just share.

1235
01:11:32,960 --> 01:11:34,439
Speaker 4: I so enjoyed this.

1236
01:11:35,080 --> 01:11:37,000
Speaker 2: Oh, this is a really great conversation.

1237
01:11:37,160 --> 01:11:39,680
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of women, especially women in

1238
01:11:39,720 --> 01:11:42,639
Speaker 1: our communities, is going to definitely feel seen once they

1239
01:11:42,680 --> 01:11:45,200
Speaker 1: hear this conversation, because I feel like this is a

1240
01:11:45,240 --> 01:11:46,880
Speaker 1: topic that nobody talks about.

1241
01:11:47,640 --> 01:11:49,800
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, and men too.

1242
01:11:49,880 --> 01:11:52,680
Speaker 3: When I started telling my story, it was like I

1243
01:11:52,720 --> 01:11:54,439
Speaker 3: was getting inboxes for mentioning.

1244
01:11:54,920 --> 01:11:57,920
Speaker 4: I went through this. You know, this one young.

1245
01:11:57,760 --> 01:12:02,840
Speaker 3: Man, he was fifteen and was sexually valated by evangelists

1246
01:12:03,200 --> 01:12:07,599
Speaker 3: in the Church of God in Christ and she took

1247
01:12:07,640 --> 01:12:10,360
Speaker 3: advantage of him. And then there was another guy telling

1248
01:12:10,400 --> 01:12:13,839
Speaker 3: me about one of the deacons took advantage of It's terrible.

1249
01:12:14,240 --> 01:12:17,840
Speaker 3: It's terrible, and it needs to be talked about. It

1250
01:12:17,880 --> 01:12:21,400
Speaker 3: needs to be discussed. And again, I don't have any anger,

1251
01:12:22,240 --> 01:12:25,479
Speaker 3: you know, Yeah, I just want to share.

1252
01:12:25,600 --> 01:12:26,519
Speaker 4: I just want to help.

1253
01:12:27,800 --> 01:12:30,160
Speaker 3: And there were those that were trying to make me

1254
01:12:30,240 --> 01:12:32,040
Speaker 3: feel like I had a problem with the Church of

1255
01:12:32,040 --> 01:12:35,760
Speaker 3: God in Christ, But nope, I'm telling my story. I'm free,

1256
01:12:35,800 --> 01:12:38,160
Speaker 3: I'm healed. I want others to be free and healed.

1257
01:12:38,400 --> 01:12:41,240
Speaker 3: That's my position and that's my assignment.

1258
01:12:41,640 --> 01:12:43,840
Speaker 1: You know, I really appreciate you coming on the show.

1259
01:12:44,080 --> 01:12:47,599
Speaker 1: I think by shinening a light on this, it's definitely

1260
01:12:47,640 --> 01:12:50,439
Speaker 1: going to help to create a more inclusive conversation that

1261
01:12:50,560 --> 01:12:55,639
Speaker 1: recognizes the unique struggles that survivors, survivors in this community endors.

1262
01:12:55,720 --> 01:12:58,240
Speaker 1: So I really appreciate you coming on the show to

1263
01:12:58,280 --> 01:13:01,040
Speaker 1: share your story. Thank you for the listeners. If you

1264
01:13:01,120 --> 01:13:03,479
Speaker 1: have any questions, comments, is concerns, please make sure to

1265
01:13:03,479 --> 01:13:06,759
Speaker 1: reach out to me and hello at thepgpodcast dot com.

1266
01:13:07,200 --> 01:13:08,919
Speaker 2: And until next time.

1267
01:13:08,840 --> 01:13:16,559
Speaker 1: Everyone Later, I piece yes, peace and light okay, blessed

1268
01:13:16,600 --> 01:13:23,320
Speaker 1: be yes. The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of

1269
01:13:23,360 --> 01:13:27,160
Speaker 1: the Black Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,

1270
01:13:27,560 --> 01:13:30,840
Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen

1271
01:13:30,880 --> 01:13:34,000
Speaker 1: to your favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate

1272
01:13:34,080 --> 01:13:36,559
Speaker 1: the show, and you can connect with me on social

1273
01:13:36,640 --> 01:13:38,439
Speaker 1: media at the PG podcast