WEBVTT - “THINGS ARE CRAZY BUT ALSO CHILL” 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:01.599 Call from Tyler. 0:00:02.520 --> 0:00:05.040 Hello, Hello, what's up? 0:00:06.440 --> 0:00:07.040 Not the much? 0:00:07.040 --> 0:00:08.920 How are you doing? 0:00:08.960 --> 0:00:09.840 All right? What's your name? 0:00:10.720 --> 0:00:11.639 My name is Tyler. 0:00:12.240 --> 0:00:13.600 How can I get you today? Tyler? 0:00:14.920 --> 0:00:18.080 Oh, you know, I've got a lot going on right now. 0:00:18.160 --> 0:00:22.759 Actually it's a bit heavy, if that's all right. 0:00:23.360 --> 0:00:29.000 You know what. I drank a Celsius and half a 0:00:29.000 --> 0:00:31.720 bottle of diet Mountain Dew. So that's I'm on about 0:00:31.720 --> 0:00:35.200 two hundred and fifty milligrams of caffeine. I feel alert, 0:00:35.240 --> 0:00:38.960 I feel awake, I feel I feel as though I'm 0:00:39.000 --> 0:00:44.800 going to try. I will try my best to tackle, 0:00:44.920 --> 0:00:47.840 to tackle a heavy thing. Let's let's give it a shot. 0:00:48.000 --> 0:00:50.120 Cool, let's go. Okay, So we'll start this off with 0:00:51.560 --> 0:00:55.880 at the end of last year, I was diagnosed with ADHD, 0:00:56.480 --> 0:01:01.920 depression and anxiety. Okay, in that I'm married and I 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:04.000 have a three year old son. It's a little bit 0:01:04.000 --> 0:01:11.759 of information there. So after that diagnosis, I get on 0:01:11.920 --> 0:01:16.160 proper medications and get into a good therapist. I've been 0:01:16.160 --> 0:01:19.600 in therapy for a decade or so. I'm thirty four now. 0:01:19.880 --> 0:01:25.440 Oh sorry, So I start doing that, and I'm starting 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:29.880 to realize some things about my life looking back, and 0:01:30.080 --> 0:01:35.560 I realize that I have been for the past seven 0:01:35.680 --> 0:01:39.640 or eight years been in a both physically and emotionally 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:44.600 abusive relationship, and for the past three years that has 0:01:44.680 --> 0:01:46.920 been occurring in front of my son. 0:01:49.880 --> 0:01:53.160 So this is with your wife, This is with my wife. 0:01:53.200 --> 0:01:55.840 Yes, I've been with her marriage for five years, together 0:01:55.880 --> 0:01:56.440 for ten. 0:01:58.240 --> 0:01:58.559 Okay. 0:01:58.640 --> 0:02:01.960 So as I realize these things, I start kind of 0:02:02.000 --> 0:02:08.000 pushing back on some of the controlling, abusive types of 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:11.240 things and trying to fix some stuff, and she just 0:02:11.320 --> 0:02:15.080 kind of starts to escalate and begins getting kind of 0:02:15.120 --> 0:02:18.120 like paranoid. Our son was born like right in the 0:02:18.120 --> 0:02:22.959 middle of COVID, so she's got like a pretty strong 0:02:23.320 --> 0:02:26.560 protective attachment over him and has been always kind of 0:02:26.639 --> 0:02:30.720 protective over him, but like doesn't let anybody else drive 0:02:30.840 --> 0:02:35.560 him around rarely. I'll ever lette anybody watch him if 0:02:35.600 --> 0:02:37.960 she's not around. And she started getting that way towards me. 0:02:38.080 --> 0:02:45.480 She had been accusing me of becoming psychotic after getting 0:02:45.520 --> 0:02:51.920 on my medications, which another little side thing. Just before 0:02:52.000 --> 0:02:56.600 I got on my medication, my best friend killed himself, 0:02:57.040 --> 0:02:59.880 So I kind of had a bit of a men 0:03:00.280 --> 0:03:03.679 breakdown because of that. So I think because of that 0:03:04.760 --> 0:03:09.560 occurring around the same time as the medication and me 0:03:09.680 --> 0:03:13.079 pushing back on stuff. She just thought I was going 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:16.040 nuts or she's just nuts herself. I'm not really sure 0:03:16.040 --> 0:03:18.639 at this point, but anyway, she started getting more and 0:03:18.639 --> 0:03:22.160 more paranoid. She started calling the police to our house 0:03:23.520 --> 0:03:25.799 and telling them that she felt threatened by me. I've 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:29.440 never done anything violent to her or the kid, but 0:03:29.560 --> 0:03:31.680 because she said she felt threatened, the police would make 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:34.440 me leave. So for about a week or so she 0:03:34.600 --> 0:03:37.320 was doing that, so I wasn't able to see my 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:40.160 son for that week. Anytime I would try and come home, 0:03:40.280 --> 0:03:44.720 she would leave. She would pack them on it begone. Yeah, YadA, YadA. 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:49.440 The last time that she called the police, they didn't 0:03:49.840 --> 0:03:53.560 recommend or tell me that I should leave, so I stayed. 0:03:54.280 --> 0:03:57.720 She asked if she could leave, they said yeah, she 0:03:57.840 --> 0:03:59.120 got in the car and left. 0:03:59.480 --> 0:03:59.960 That was. 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:04.400 A little over a month ago, and I haven't seen 0:04:04.640 --> 0:04:09.920 or heard from either of them since going out of me. 0:04:10.600 --> 0:04:12.560 You even seen or heard from your son or your 0:04:13.040 --> 0:04:14.360 wife in a month? 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:20.599 They have contacted me or my wife has. She texted 0:04:20.640 --> 0:04:23.240 me once to remind me to water her plants while 0:04:23.240 --> 0:04:28.520 she was gone, and then another time to offer to 0:04:28.640 --> 0:04:33.560 do a video chat with him. But the wording and 0:04:33.640 --> 0:04:36.400 the message is really suspicious, and I had already been 0:04:36.440 --> 0:04:40.000 told by lawyers in my therapists not to respond to 0:04:40.000 --> 0:04:48.520 any contact. Shit pretty apparent that she's trying to like 0:04:48.760 --> 0:04:52.320 frame me for domestic violence or something. I'm not really 0:04:52.360 --> 0:04:55.600 sure what is going on in her head, but. 0:04:57.600 --> 0:05:00.560 Well, I I mean, first of all, oh, I'm sorry 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:02.600 that all this is happening to you. Second of all, 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:06.720 tell me more about what your therapists and lawyers are 0:05:06.760 --> 0:05:07.279 saying to you. 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:13.800 Okay, So therapist says, no contact with her if she 0:05:13.880 --> 0:05:17.400 shows up, don't be alone with her. She said. His 0:05:17.520 --> 0:05:21.599 words were, I am at an extreme risk of being 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:26.240 framed for domestic violence. So he said, don't be alone 0:05:26.240 --> 0:05:29.599 with her. And I've only actually managed to see he's 0:05:30.080 --> 0:05:35.719 I just started seeing him a month or two ago, 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:38.400 so I've only no more than a month or two ago. 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:40.680 Last month kind of doesn't really count for me right 0:05:40.680 --> 0:05:43.040 now because it's been such a fucking weird, fucked up thing, 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:47.240 but two months like before then probably, so I've only 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:49.359 seen him three or four times and never gotten on 0:05:49.560 --> 0:05:55.080 like a consistent schedule. So I've only seen him twice 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:57.240 now since they left. So I haven't really been able 0:05:57.240 --> 0:05:58.640 to go over with it with him so much. But 0:05:58.680 --> 0:06:01.200 we're going to start seeing each other more or uh, 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:05.279 now that shit's really hit the sands. But the police 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:08.200 haven't really I haven't really been able to work with 0:06:08.279 --> 0:06:12.240 the police too much. They don't like I live in Michigan, 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:16.520 so at least here, the police aren't allowed to like 0:06:16.640 --> 0:06:22.280 interfere in any kind of custody situation. And even if 0:06:22.320 --> 0:06:27.400 they are able to, it still has to go through 0:06:27.400 --> 0:06:35.840 the courts. And I think because she is telling them 0:06:35.920 --> 0:06:39.120 that I'm after her or hurt them or something, the 0:06:39.200 --> 0:06:41.680 cops aren't really talking to me all that much. They 0:06:41.760 --> 0:06:45.279 I think, caught on pretty quickly what was happening, so 0:06:45.400 --> 0:06:48.479 they can kind of like encode say things to me. 0:06:48.839 --> 0:06:51.839 But I've had to send a couple of wellness checks 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:54.560 to her family here and there, so I kind of 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:57.080 have like a general idea of where they might be. 0:06:58.360 --> 0:07:02.560 But I don't have a place where I could send 0:07:02.600 --> 0:07:06.520 somebody to serve her divorce papers or a restraining order 0:07:06.640 --> 0:07:10.840 or custody order or anything like that. But the lawyers 0:07:11.320 --> 0:07:14.960 are I found a good lawyer. I think he's a 0:07:14.960 --> 0:07:17.120 good lawyer. He seems to be doing everything they should be. 0:07:19.760 --> 0:07:21.800 We're just trying to like track her down at this 0:07:21.880 --> 0:07:24.440 point because I can't really do anything until I serve 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:26.800 her papers. 0:07:28.440 --> 0:07:30.880 And what has anyone given you advice about how like 0:07:30.920 --> 0:07:32.280 you can get your son back? 0:07:34.120 --> 0:07:37.480 It's pretty much just get her to come back in 0:07:37.600 --> 0:07:43.760 one way or another. So the devor once she is served, 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:49.880 she has to respond to the serve the service whatever 0:07:50.000 --> 0:07:52.600 process or whatever like in person, so she has to 0:07:52.640 --> 0:07:56.160 like come and sign something in front of a notary here, 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:02.040 but that one she gets served. So it's just a 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:06.160 matter of once we find her, then the clock kind 0:08:06.160 --> 0:08:08.480 of starts ticking because once she doesn't, if she doesn't 0:08:08.520 --> 0:08:11.840 respond to it, she'll be delinquent in the divorce. And 0:08:11.880 --> 0:08:15.040 then it just goes however I want it to. So 0:08:15.440 --> 0:08:18.960 I'm assuming she would come back, but I also never 0:08:19.000 --> 0:08:20.760 really assumed that she would kidnap my son. 0:08:25.080 --> 0:08:27.480 That is very heavy. Yes, that is very heavy. 0:08:27.600 --> 0:08:29.440 Yeah yeah yeah. 0:08:29.120 --> 0:08:32.240 How how how how are you doing? 0:08:34.520 --> 0:08:40.160 Weird? It's very weird because, like I said, I'm in 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:47.240 therapy now and I'm on proper medications, specifically h and 0:08:47.360 --> 0:08:52.160 at a pressant with working good for me shouts out symbaltah, 0:08:52.559 --> 0:08:56.960 So I like probably at least mentally besides the like 0:08:58.360 --> 0:09:02.360 constant hellish turmoil and doing what good as I've ever 0:09:02.400 --> 0:09:05.920 done my entire life. I'm like, and I think, like 0:09:06.080 --> 0:09:10.400 her being gone, I'm realizing how much of an effect 0:09:10.559 --> 0:09:14.360 just being in her relationship with an abusive person has 0:09:14.360 --> 0:09:18.640 on your self esteem and well being in general, I suppose, 0:09:18.720 --> 0:09:22.880 and for fucking eight years, practically tell. 0:09:22.720 --> 0:09:25.200 Me more about how you're doing. You're doing better than 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:26.320 you ever have before. 0:09:27.679 --> 0:09:31.440 Well, I would love to tell you about that. So 0:09:31.520 --> 0:09:34.680 I'm like calling friends and like hanging out with people 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:38.240 that for the past decade or so I've thought didn't 0:09:38.360 --> 0:09:41.560 like me anymore, but it was just because I wasn't 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:44.360 calling them because I was in a controlling relationship. So 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:48.839 I'm kind of realizing that I have. I mean, I've 0:09:48.880 --> 0:09:53.200 got three or four of my closest friends I've been 0:09:53.240 --> 0:09:57.800 friends with for fifteen years at least, my best friend 0:09:57.800 --> 0:10:01.000 I've been friends with for like twenty five years. And 0:10:01.080 --> 0:10:06.440 I've got a super supportive family. They're not really the 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:11.360 most emotionally available, but they're supportive in all the ways 0:10:11.360 --> 0:10:12.840 that they know how So I'm kind of just like 0:10:12.920 --> 0:10:17.280 realizing my whole life, I've been kind of like my 0:10:17.360 --> 0:10:20.080 life sucks and nobody loves me and everything's terrible and 0:10:20.120 --> 0:10:22.680 there's no point. And then my son was born and 0:10:22.720 --> 0:10:24.959 I was kind of like, oh, yeah, here's the point. 0:10:25.080 --> 0:10:28.120 But it was still kind of not me. It wasn't 0:10:28.160 --> 0:10:32.120 about me still. But now I'm like, oh, I can 0:10:32.320 --> 0:10:36.000 like go out and do whatever the fuck I want 0:10:36.040 --> 0:10:38.640 whenever I want to, and I don't have to like 0:10:38.760 --> 0:10:42.960 ask permission to hang out with my friends or be 0:10:43.080 --> 0:10:46.520 worried about the repercussions of going and seeing a movie 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:50.120 or a show. And I'm a musician. Music has always 0:10:50.120 --> 0:10:52.120 been like the most important thing in the world to me, 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:56.800 and I'm like super excited about making music again. I 0:10:56.840 --> 0:10:59.760 haven't done it in like seven or eight years probably, 0:11:01.080 --> 0:11:05.800 and just getting back into that community and stuff. So 0:11:05.880 --> 0:11:09.320 oh that's good. But the son getting kidnapped in my 0:11:09.400 --> 0:11:10.920 abusive life kinds sucks still. 0:11:11.920 --> 0:11:15.440 Wow. So do you, I mean, looking back on it, 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:19.480 do you attribute uh, falling out of touch with these 0:11:19.520 --> 0:11:23.440 friends and with music and with your family to your 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:24.840 relationship with this person. 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:31.679 Yeah, definitely. Never like it was never like outright like 0:11:31.880 --> 0:11:35.280 you can't go and hang out with that person, But 0:11:35.400 --> 0:11:39.880 it was just like anytime I tried to make plans, 0:11:40.559 --> 0:11:44.000 it would turn into a fight, and then eventually the 0:11:44.080 --> 0:11:47.160 fight returning into me getting hit in front of the 0:11:47.280 --> 0:11:50.160 kid or something like that. And then it gets to 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:53.280 the point where you're just like, well, I'm just gonna 0:11:54.000 --> 0:12:01.080 not ask anymore to avoid the conflict and stuff like that. 0:12:01.200 --> 0:12:04.880 So it's kind of like I'm trying to give myself 0:12:04.920 --> 0:12:08.800 a little bit of grace because up until the end 0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:12.600 of last year, I wasn't a mentally stable person and 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:15.880 I was kind of being controlled by another person. But 0:12:16.920 --> 0:12:19.080 still kind of stupid and for like putting up with 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:21.520 it for so long, especially after the kid was born, 0:12:21.679 --> 0:12:24.640 I feel bad for letting him be around it for 0:12:24.679 --> 0:12:30.040 too long. But and then also after being in an 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:33.280 abusive relationship like that, your self esteem is just so 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:35.280 low and you're just so depressed you don't feel like 0:12:35.320 --> 0:12:37.120 doing anything anyways. 0:12:38.720 --> 0:12:42.080 How has your depression been like recently? 0:12:43.920 --> 0:12:48.160 I mean it's been since I got on the SYMBALTHA especially, 0:12:49.160 --> 0:12:52.120 I've been doing pretty good on that. I haven't like 0:12:53.080 --> 0:12:55.840 I used to and I didn't realize that this was 0:12:56.080 --> 0:13:00.640 a normal thing. But up until I got into therapy 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:06.720 and medicated, I wouldn't like consider suicide, but it would 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:09.760 be something that I was beyond my mind on practically 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:14.880 a daily basis, Like just like just the thought passing 0:13:14.920 --> 0:13:15.680 through my mind. 0:13:17.200 --> 0:13:22.400 Yeah, I realized, sorry, go ahead, why don't you finish? Oh? 0:13:22.480 --> 0:13:26.040 And then once and once I got into therapy and 0:13:26.120 --> 0:13:29.760 got on the medication, that kind of went away for 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:33.560 the most part. And I think that's like the main thing, 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:36.559 just like not thinking about my own death all of 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:40.920 the time is probably good for my mental health, and 0:13:41.240 --> 0:13:45.600 like I just feel legitimately, like for the first time, 0:13:45.640 --> 0:13:54.319 I like can actually be happy. Like, uh, it's I'm 0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:56.600 like I said, it's really fucking weird because it's like 0:13:56.640 --> 0:13:59.760 I'm probably the most unhappy I've ever been my entire life. Also, 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:03.240 but it's a really strange. 0:14:04.679 --> 0:14:05.239 Situation. 0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:09.200 I guess when you were when you were thinking about 0:14:09.559 --> 0:14:12.120 like dying all the time, what was like what was 0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:14.680 driving that? Was it like a were you thinking about 0:14:14.720 --> 0:14:17.640 certain events going on in and around your life, or 0:14:17.679 --> 0:14:20.280 was it just like your the fucking chemistry of your 0:14:20.320 --> 0:14:21.280 brain attacking you. 0:14:22.840 --> 0:14:25.320 I think it was a little bit of both. I 0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:28.760 think that I've got some pretty big issues from having 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:32.760 ADHD my whole life and not knowing it because I 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:35.960 kind of just like and I did all right in school, 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:39.440 and at the time, that's how people like figured out 0:14:39.480 --> 0:14:42.480 if their kid had ADHD or not. So I think 0:14:42.520 --> 0:14:46.320 that's kind of how I squeezed by. But looking back 0:14:46.400 --> 0:14:49.040 now with like a clearer mind, I'm realizing, like, oh, 0:14:49.080 --> 0:14:53.080 I've been struggling with like everything my entire life. And 0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:56.680 because I didn't know that I had ADHD, I thought 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:58.920 it was just because I was a fucking idiot or 0:14:59.760 --> 0:15:05.200 what good enough or didn't deserve to have whatever it 0:15:05.240 --> 0:15:08.280 was that I was trying to get. So that was 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:12.480 going into the abusive relationship, the state of mind that 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:16.760 I was in already, and then also depression and anxiety. 0:15:17.520 --> 0:15:18.960 Right, So that's what I was gonna ask you, is 0:15:19.000 --> 0:15:21.960 so this this is kind of a state of mind 0:15:22.000 --> 0:15:25.200 that you've had even before you met your wife. 0:15:25.560 --> 0:15:25.800 Yeah. 0:15:25.920 --> 0:15:34.440 Yeah, And then the came around. 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:33.880 When did you, like, at what point in your life 0:15:33.880 --> 0:15:36.760 did you start noticing you like had these like these 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:38.440 these feelings and issues. 0:15:40.080 --> 0:15:42.120 I think I've kind of known my whole life. I've 0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:46.640 had this conversation with friends and girlfriends and other wives 0:15:46.720 --> 0:15:50.760 before about kind of just feeling like aliens sort of 0:15:51.840 --> 0:15:54.440 like I remember when I was really young, just always 0:15:54.480 --> 0:15:59.400 having that feeling of like everybody else seems to be 0:15:59.560 --> 0:16:02.800 different than I am, and it seems to make it 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:06.720 so that they all get along and somehow I don't 0:16:06.760 --> 0:16:11.160 fit in there. So it was just always like kind 0:16:11.160 --> 0:16:14.080 of just like a general feeling of like I don't 0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:21.000 belong here just because like simple easy things, because I'm 0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:23.680 not like stupid, but there's a lot of real simple, 0:16:23.720 --> 0:16:26.520 easy things that I just couldn't do. And I'd be like, well, 0:16:26.520 --> 0:16:29.120 this is a thing that human beings seem to be 0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:31.480 able to do pretty easily, and I can't figure it out. 0:16:32.480 --> 0:16:36.880 And just like I had issues like communicating and expressing myself, 0:16:37.080 --> 0:16:40.720 and I think the biggest thing has been like not 0:16:40.800 --> 0:16:45.760 really ever because I would just kind of like, in 0:16:46.040 --> 0:16:49.960 order to feel like I was liked by other people, 0:16:50.680 --> 0:16:54.080 I would just kind of morph myself into what I 0:16:54.160 --> 0:16:58.760 thought that they wanted a cool person to be or whatever. 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:02.080 So I ended up being and like a real like 0:17:02.160 --> 0:17:06.040 go with the flow, like fun kind of party guy, 0:17:06.320 --> 0:17:10.720 and that's how I figured out how to make people happier, 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:17.399 fit in or whatever. But because I was always just 0:17:17.480 --> 0:17:20.760 going along with what everybody else is doing, I was 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:23.600 never really figuring out what I wanted or what would 0:17:23.640 --> 0:17:28.000 make me happy. And then if I don't know what 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:30.000 I want or what would make me happy, I can't 0:17:30.320 --> 0:17:33.280 ask or try and get it. So I think that's 0:17:33.280 --> 0:17:35.439 just kind of been preventing me from being happy my 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:36.080 whole life. 0:17:36.920 --> 0:17:41.120 And so now at thirty four, you said, after therapy 0:17:41.160 --> 0:17:45.000 and after medication, you finally Well, I know you've kind 0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:47.760 of phrased it in this weird contradictory way, because obviously 0:17:48.119 --> 0:17:51.320 you're going through a lot of completely insane external circumstances 0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:54.400 right now. But the way you phrased it was that, 0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:58.520 in a weird way, you found this, Like do you 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:00.600 feel like like you found this kind of freedom and 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:06.000 happiness from these crazy mental circumstances. 0:18:07.119 --> 0:18:11.240 Yeah, yeah, definitely. It definitely feels like I have a 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:15.200 lot more freedom, and I mean it is a lot 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:18.520 of that's just because I literally don't have anyone to 0:18:18.800 --> 0:18:21.680 answer to right now. I went from having a toddler 0:18:21.680 --> 0:18:23.919 that I was chasing around, taking care of and all 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:27.680 this stuff to absolutely nothing, which sucks in a lot 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:31.440 of ways. But I can also play guitar as loud 0:18:31.440 --> 0:18:32.960 as I want, and I can listen to all my 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:35.320 Deathcore records as loud as I want, and nobody can 0:18:35.320 --> 0:18:37.520 tell me to turn the wrestling off the TV. 0:18:38.800 --> 0:18:40.480 Have your SOCID thoughts gone away? 0:18:41.680 --> 0:18:41.880 Yeah? 0:18:41.920 --> 0:18:45.200 Yeah, pretty much completely. I haven't really. After my friend 0:18:45.320 --> 0:18:48.720 killed himself, there was like a week that I couldn't 0:18:48.720 --> 0:18:53.280 get my medication, but I probably had my closest brush. 0:18:53.800 --> 0:18:57.400 But since I've been on the meds, it's pretty much 0:18:57.600 --> 0:18:58.520 gone completely. 0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:06.639 What's your name again, Tyler? Tyler? Uh? I'm curious for 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:12.600 anyone who might be listening to this, who who uh 0:19:13.359 --> 0:19:19.760 may may themselves be going insane? You know, as someone 0:19:19.800 --> 0:19:24.440 who who also you know, myself personally goes insane fairly often, 0:19:26.480 --> 0:19:34.760 and everybody's insane, and everybody is hopeful hopefully that one 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:40.360 day they will not be going insane, and so as 0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:44.679 somebody who at least in this very moment, you know, again, 0:19:44.720 --> 0:19:52.639 despite pretty pretty nightmarish external circumstances, you seem to, at 0:19:52.720 --> 0:19:56.240 least from what I'm gathering from you be going uh 0:19:56.800 --> 0:20:00.600 less insane. Do you What would you say to those 0:20:00.640 --> 0:20:05.560 people and how they themselves can deal with these issues. 0:20:07.119 --> 0:20:11.240 I would definitely say go to therapy. I would definitely 0:20:11.359 --> 0:20:15.400 say talk to your doctor about potentially getting on medications, 0:20:15.440 --> 0:20:20.200 is that the kind of thing you're into talk to 0:20:20.240 --> 0:20:24.000 your friends, did just fucking talk to somebody, talk to anybody, 0:20:24.560 --> 0:20:26.760 Just talk to people about how you're feeling. Really, that's 0:20:26.760 --> 0:20:30.800 what I found since they left, Like there is a 0:20:30.800 --> 0:20:33.280 week or so that I was just kind of like 0:20:33.400 --> 0:20:36.480 hold up in the house, not doing anything, not talking 0:20:36.520 --> 0:20:40.879 to anybody. And at this point, like nobody knew about 0:20:40.880 --> 0:20:45.520 any of the abuse, and nobody really knew what had happened. 0:20:46.440 --> 0:20:49.600 They just knew that they were gone, and it was 0:20:50.160 --> 0:20:53.359 pretty fucking miserable. But the second that I just started 0:20:53.400 --> 0:20:59.000 talking to just anybody, and even if like nothing got resolved, 0:20:59.080 --> 0:21:03.200 even if they didn't say anything back, like I think, 0:21:03.320 --> 0:21:08.200 just going over it in your head at least especially 0:21:08.240 --> 0:21:12.280 at first when it's something like this crazy. Because it 0:21:12.320 --> 0:21:14.240 took me like a week or so just to even 0:21:14.359 --> 0:21:18.400 like actually like understand what was going on. It's going 0:21:18.440 --> 0:21:20.359 over it over and over and over in your head. 0:21:21.320 --> 0:21:23.200 And just because a lot of people try and avoid 0:21:23.240 --> 0:21:26.200 thinking about stuff and every now and then, yeah, you 0:21:26.280 --> 0:21:27.840 got to give yourself a break, but you're not going 0:21:27.920 --> 0:21:30.640 to get over anything if you're not working it out. 0:21:31.080 --> 0:21:33.919 So I would say the best thing that is for 0:21:34.040 --> 0:21:37.879 me and my mental health has been talking to my 0:21:38.000 --> 0:21:43.720 friends just about what's going on or just anything. Really. 0:21:44.560 --> 0:21:46.480 Yeah, I mean no, when you keep it in your head, 0:21:46.520 --> 0:21:49.480 you it just it just it goes exactly. It's not 0:21:49.560 --> 0:21:52.040 about uh like I guess the response. It's about like 0:21:52.800 --> 0:21:55.080 getting it out of your head and talking about it, 0:21:55.119 --> 0:21:57.920 because if it just stays in your head, it rattles 0:21:57.920 --> 0:22:00.480 and becomes a fucking hurricane. 0:22:00.800 --> 0:22:06.480 Yeah. Yeah. And what I found was that in situations 0:22:06.480 --> 0:22:10.000 of abuse, if you don't talk about it and then 0:22:10.160 --> 0:22:12.840 it keeps going on for so long, you just get 0:22:12.960 --> 0:22:17.480 used to it and then you don't know that you're 0:22:17.520 --> 0:22:21.840 being abused. Because it took again like a week after 0:22:21.920 --> 0:22:24.000 they left for me to be like, oh shit, yeah, 0:22:24.040 --> 0:22:27.040 this has been an abusive relationship. And that was because 0:22:27.080 --> 0:22:30.879 I was talking to my friends about it, and just 0:22:31.000 --> 0:22:33.080 because I mean, and because she's been telling me it's 0:22:33.080 --> 0:22:35.080 been my fault and that it's because I make her 0:22:35.200 --> 0:22:37.520 mad and all these things that I do or whatever. 0:22:37.960 --> 0:22:40.840 And I believed her because I wasn't talking to anybody else. 0:22:41.920 --> 0:22:44.560 But the second I talked to anybody else, and I mean, 0:22:44.600 --> 0:22:48.600 I was feeling like I was a horrible father, a 0:22:48.640 --> 0:22:52.560 horrible husband. She made me feel fucking worthless every fucking day. 0:22:54.920 --> 0:22:59.119 But yeah, the second I started talking to people, I 0:22:59.560 --> 0:23:02.439 very quickly realize like, oh no, I'm the one that 0:23:02.480 --> 0:23:06.040 has been doing everything right and she's the evil person here. 0:23:07.240 --> 0:23:10.120 So just talking to people, you might even realize some 0:23:10.520 --> 0:23:13.000 huge thing that's been going on in your life for 0:23:13.040 --> 0:23:15.520 a fucking decade that you didn't even really have any 0:23:15.560 --> 0:23:19.040 idea about, and you'll feel better about it afterwards because 0:23:19.040 --> 0:23:22.600 he talked about it. But the therapist would be good. 0:23:22.440 --> 0:23:26.960 Too, Tyler, I'm going to pray for you, my brother. 0:23:28.040 --> 0:23:28.399 Thank you. 0:23:28.440 --> 0:23:31.080 I appreciate that I'm not religious, and I was for 0:23:31.119 --> 0:23:34.000 a long time very anti religious, but I've grown to 0:23:34.600 --> 0:23:37.639 appreciate people praying for me. 0:23:38.320 --> 0:23:40.719 Hey man, neither am I I'm just I'm just praying. 0:23:41.080 --> 0:23:43.679 I've been trying to like, I'm not religious at all, 0:23:43.720 --> 0:23:45.800 but I'll just like, I'll just I'll just clasp my 0:23:45.920 --> 0:23:52.280 hands and shake them like a Morocca, and that's I 0:23:52.400 --> 0:23:52.600 do it. 0:23:52.600 --> 0:23:56.600 Occasionally, the Morocca, probably the Moraca prob like an actual 0:23:56.680 --> 0:23:59.000 Morocca would By God, would I hear you better if 0:23:59.040 --> 0:23:59.480 you did that? 0:24:02.040 --> 0:24:04.880 Tyler? Thanks for sharing all this stuff. This is this 0:24:04.920 --> 0:24:05.679 is really cool. 0:24:06.680 --> 0:24:09.119 Thank yeah, thanks for thanks for talking. I've been calling 0:24:09.200 --> 0:24:10.760 for several weeks and I think I may have been 0:24:10.840 --> 0:24:11.800 rude to you one time. 0:24:12.440 --> 0:24:14.200 Wait what do you think? Well? When? 0:24:14.240 --> 0:24:14.400 When? 0:24:14.440 --> 0:24:15.560 When? When were you rude to me? 0:24:16.440 --> 0:24:18.760 I think I got through. I wasn't sure because I 0:24:18.800 --> 0:24:22.760 was like going back and forth on my phone and 0:24:22.800 --> 0:24:25.000 I had called like a bunch of times and kept 0:24:25.119 --> 0:24:27.480 leaving different names, and then there was one that I 0:24:27.520 --> 0:24:30.760 was like, are you gonna fucking answer what? And then 0:24:30.800 --> 0:24:33.480 I switched back to the twitch and I heard like 0:24:33.600 --> 0:24:36.040 the very end of it, I think, And You're like, well, 0:24:36.040 --> 0:24:36.680 not if you're going. 0:24:36.680 --> 0:24:40.320