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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: Ghosting as it looks like Today is when someone cuts

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Speaker 2: off all forms of communication and interaction without any explanation.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheirspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 2: women like you. We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard, a

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Speaker 2: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 3: And Terry Lomax, a techy and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 3: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 3: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 3: fibroids to faith friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 3: black women can just be.

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Speaker 2: Our quote of the day this quote comes to us

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Speaker 2: from Auntie Oprah, and I'm gonna just read it and

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Speaker 2: we'll talk a lot. If a man wants you, nothing

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Speaker 2: can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing

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Speaker 2: can make him stay. I mean that had a little

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Speaker 2: rhyme and flow to it, So I'm gonna read it

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Speaker 2: one more time for the people in the back. If

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Speaker 2: a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If

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Speaker 2: he does doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

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Speaker 2: All right, first caveat is that we are reading the

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Speaker 2: exact words from aunt Oh, and we want to be

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Speaker 2: clear though that while we are reading her exact words,

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Speaker 2: this discussion today is universal no matter what your gender

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Speaker 2: identity is. So t.

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Speaker 3: This quote and this topic for today, girl, It's a

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Speaker 3: juicy one. So don I want to talk about the quote,

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Speaker 3: but I want to share a story first from a

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Speaker 3: girlfriend and then jump back into the quote because I

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Speaker 3: felt this story will be a great way to ground

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Speaker 3: ourselves in the quote. So I was talking to my

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Speaker 3: homegirl the other day and she got her hair done.

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Speaker 3: It was looking all cute. I was like, hey, Cary,

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Speaker 3: that's cute. She was like, oh, I have a day tonight,

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Speaker 3: well maybe, and I was like okay, I said, wait,

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Speaker 3: how did you go from I have a day tonight

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Speaker 3: now is a maybe? She was like, well, I met

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Speaker 3: this guy on tender and we went on a couple

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Speaker 3: of dates. Everything was cool. We'll call the guy Steven,

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Speaker 3: and we'll call my homegirl Kiki. So Kekey was like, yeah,

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Speaker 3: you know, Steve and I went on a couple of dates.

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Speaker 3: Everything was cool. I feel like we had a connection.

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Speaker 3: It was great. But I feel like the day before

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Speaker 3: our scheduled date night right, he started to kind of

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Speaker 3: act a little weird, like I felt like he wasn't

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Speaker 3: responding as much. He sort of had this pattern of

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Speaker 3: responding fire and then on that day before, things started

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Speaker 3: to get a little weird, like he wasn't as responsive

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Speaker 3: and I kind of got this gut feeling where I

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Speaker 3: was like, hmm, I feel like he might ghost me.

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Speaker 3: So the day of I was like, all right, we

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna text you later. I'm gonna check in to

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Speaker 3: see what happens to the day of, she text him

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Speaker 3: a few hours before the date and she was like, hey,

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Speaker 3: can you remind me, like what time do you want

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Speaker 3: to meet at the restaurant? Silence she had. Yeah, So,

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Speaker 3: long story short, fast forward a couple hours she didn't

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Speaker 3: hear from him, and she was really bummed. Out, and

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Speaker 3: I felt so bad for her. I felt like it

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Speaker 3: was me, Like I was just like, oh my heart.

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Speaker 3: So yes, it's unfortunate, you know, when you feel like

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Speaker 3: you have a connection with someone. So going back to

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Speaker 3: the quote that you read right from Auntie, Oh, it's

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Speaker 3: easy and it makes sense and it's easy to process

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Speaker 3: that and internalize it when it's not you. But I

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Speaker 3: feel like when you're in this situation where someone is

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Speaker 3: showing you that, I don't think this person wants me

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Speaker 3: because they're not showing it right. People always say people

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Speaker 3: often say people make time for the things that are

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Speaker 3: important to them, But when someone isn't making time, I

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Speaker 3: think it's easy to be in denial. I done been there, bad,

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Speaker 3: real bad.

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Speaker 2: It's easy to.

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Speaker 3: Be like, well, I know he has a lot going on,

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Speaker 3: and he said that his cousin is here, you know

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Speaker 3: he needs help with this, and his mom is moving,

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Speaker 3: and you try to make excuses for the behavior because

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Speaker 3: we sometimes don't want to sit with the reality. And

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Speaker 3: the reality is if they're not reaching out, if they're

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Speaker 3: not taking the initiative, if they're not showing up. If

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Speaker 3: you ever have to ask yourself, don are they relaying

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Speaker 3: that into me. Usually it's like they're probably not the problem.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmm.

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Speaker 3: So that's how I felt about that quote.

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Speaker 2: What about you, well, I mean I think you summed

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Speaker 2: it up like I think. You know, when I think

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Speaker 2: about it from a as Auntie O said it, you know,

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Speaker 2: from a heterosexual dating perspective, that, yeah, from what I

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Speaker 2: have experienced personally, from what I have seen with friends

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Speaker 2: and family, if a man really wants you, nothing is

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Speaker 2: going to keep that man away. And I've seen that, right,

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Speaker 2: I've seen it where that man will move heaven and Earth,

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Speaker 2: will rearrange his whole schedule, his whole life to be

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Speaker 2: with you, to make it work right, And when he

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Speaker 2: doesn't want you, there is nothing you can do. I

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Speaker 2: don't care if you got million dollar diamonds in your crotch.

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Speaker 2: If he don't want you, then million dollar diamonds don't

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Speaker 2: mean shit to him. He that's not going to pull

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Speaker 2: him in.

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Speaker 3: I thought she was about to say that way, but

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Speaker 3: we were on the same page because you know, I'm

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Speaker 3: thinking not a threesome, not a baby, not a check,

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Speaker 3: I mean, not a gift. It's just not going to

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Speaker 3: keep that person. And so lady today we're going to

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Speaker 3: talk about what ghosting is, how you can predict it,

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Speaker 3: because sometimes there are signs that will let you know,

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Speaker 3: like Paul's hold up, I think somebody about to ghost

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Speaker 3: me real quick? Right when it is ghosting acceptable?

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Speaker 4: Right?

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Speaker 3: Because I know that many of us are like, oh,

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Speaker 3: inside ghosting, like you shouldn't be ghosting people, but there

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Speaker 3: are situations where it might be acceptable to ghost someone.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 3: We'll also talk about how to care for yourself when

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Speaker 3: you've been ghosted, and how to communicate with someone when

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Speaker 3: it's not a good fit for you.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 3: So down, I guess we should just jump on into

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Speaker 3: the official definition that we want to use for today,

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Speaker 3: because I feel like ghosting has evolved over time, and

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Speaker 3: so let's dive into that and then jump into this

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Speaker 3: twitter poll.

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Speaker 2: Oh yes, this twitter poll. I got thoughts. So our

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Speaker 2: definition that we are going with with ghosting today comes

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Speaker 2: to us from therapists and relationship coach Bree Jenkins. Shout

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Speaker 2: out to Brie. Bree has been on our podcast before.

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Speaker 2: Check out her episode. So the definition of ghosting. So,

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Speaker 2: what Bree says is that ghosting used to be so

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Speaker 2: it's not a new term. I'm glad. Let's be clear,

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Speaker 2: it's not a new term. What it used to look

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Speaker 2: like back in the day was leaving a person and

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Speaker 2: moving away or not leaving them with your contact information. Right, So,

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Speaker 2: if we think back to previous generations, what that looked

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Speaker 2: like is going for a loaf of bread and never

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Speaker 2: coming back. Right. If we think about previous generations and

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Speaker 2: what that and that's what the phrase that they would use,

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Speaker 2: Uncle so and so or Auntie so and so left

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Speaker 2: to go get a loaf of bread and they never

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Speaker 2: came back. So that was the form of ghosting back then. Right.

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Speaker 2: It could also look not in a romantic sense. It

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Speaker 2: can also look like simply leaving a party or social

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Speaker 2: gathering without giving anyone notice, without saying goodbye. Right in

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Speaker 2: today's terms, because we are in the digital age, right,

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Speaker 2: what it looks like is no matter what form it

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Speaker 2: occurs in, whether it's actually the physical form like an

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Speaker 2: in person form or via commune online communication, what it

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Speaker 2: looks like is when someone cuts off all forms of

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Speaker 2: communication and interaction without any explanation. So I'm gonna say

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Speaker 2: that last part again so that we all are on

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Speaker 2: the same page. Ghosting, as it looks like today is

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Speaker 2: when someone cuts off all forms of communication and interaction

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Speaker 2: without any explanation.

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Speaker 3: Hey, hey, lady, this conversation is just getting started. It's

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Speaker 3: gonna get so much better. But first, we have a

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Speaker 3: All right, let's hop back into the show. Ooh girl, Okay, first,

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Speaker 3: I was about to say, not a little for bread,

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Speaker 3: because that's you so far fetched because of where we

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Speaker 3: are in this digital age. But back in the day,

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Speaker 3: you're right, I definitely wonder hearing hearing the old folks

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Speaker 3: or the elders, they're like, oh yeah, this person went

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Speaker 3: to go get a little fred or went down the

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Speaker 3: street or went to the.

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Speaker 2: Store, and they ain't come back, never came back, So okay,

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Speaker 2: they still let the stow for all.

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Speaker 3: We know, still at the stove. Okay, decades later, y'all,

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Speaker 3: Hey lady, it's Terry here, Dom and I want to

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Speaker 3: take a moment to thank you for choosing to listen

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Speaker 3: to our podcast. We love you for real, and we

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Speaker 3: want to give you a chance to learn more about

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Speaker 3: what's important to us. So tell us what you think

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Speaker 3: about this.

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Speaker 2: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get

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Speaker 2: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your business,

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Speaker 2: brand or perspective with millions around the globe. Imagine joining

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Speaker 2: our monthly virtual video check ins where you can connect

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Speaker 2: with like minded black women like you and share your

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Speaker 2: ideas and episode suggestions with Terry and I. Now, I

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Speaker 2: want you to imagine a world where you're in the

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Speaker 2: exclusive Cultivating her Space sanctuary Slack channel, and throughout your

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Speaker 2: day and week, you are conversing with us about what's

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Speaker 2: happening in your life and sharing funny gifts and or

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Speaker 2: personal wins.

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Speaker 3: How does that sound? Hopefully this is of your alley, lady,

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Speaker 3: because we are taking things to the next level of

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Speaker 3: That means you. We want to meet you, connect with you,

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Speaker 3: and create communities of genuine women who love on black

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Speaker 3: women and push our culture and movement forward. We launched

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Speaker 3: can really help you up level your life. So, if

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Speaker 3: this community effort forward. Visit herspacepodcast dot com and click Patreon.

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Speaker 3: You can learn more about our goals and exclusive offerings

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Speaker 3: on Patreon, and we highly highly encourage you to join

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Speaker 3: the Sister Frontier so that you can get someone on

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Speaker 3: one time with us. We also have an option for

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Speaker 3: can click that link that says Patreon. All right, lady,

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Speaker 3: we'll hop right back into the conversation. So I posted

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Speaker 3: this question on Twitter, right, So the question is get

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Speaker 3: ready for this, okay, And there are a couple options.

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Speaker 3: How much time needs to pass for you to realize

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Speaker 3: that you've been ghost Now, for me, this is outside

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Speaker 3: of someone's standing you up for a date. So it's

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Speaker 3: like the day of and you're like, oh, we're supposed

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Speaker 3: to meet at six. If they don't show up at six, like,

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Speaker 3: we can assume that, okay, they've ghosted you. Right, But

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Speaker 3: I'm talking about just like text messaging or like calls

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Speaker 3: or being in communication. So the first option is day

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Speaker 3: one without a response, so maybe you reach out or

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Speaker 3: you haven't heard from them after day. The second option

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Speaker 3: is one week without a response, and then the last

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Speaker 3: response or the last option is one month without a response.

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Speaker 3: So one day, one week, or one month without a response. Now,

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Speaker 3: seventy percent of people that vote it said one week

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Speaker 3: without a response versus one day or one month. What

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Speaker 3: are your thoughts on that?

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Speaker 2: Dom, Well, you know I'm going to hit you with

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Speaker 2: my therapist's thought is it depends, right, Because I do

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Speaker 2: think that it truly is context and situation dependent. That

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Speaker 2: if this is someone that I have been communicating with,

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Speaker 2: interacting with, engaging with, like I am involved with this person,

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Speaker 2: like we have seen each other multiple times, there's some

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Speaker 2: levels too, Like there's some time that has been invested

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Speaker 2: on both of our parts. I'm going to pay attention

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Speaker 2: to our normal pattern of communication. So if our normal

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Speaker 2: pattern of communication is that we talk every day and

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Speaker 2: two days have gone by and I haven't heard anything,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to reach out. If I don't get a response,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to assume I've been ghosted. Right, But let's

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Speaker 2: say that this is someone that I've only interacted with

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Speaker 2: maybe once or twice a right, we haven't had any

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Speaker 2: official outings together, like we haven't gone on any dates

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Speaker 2: or anything like that. Yet. I would give it about

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Speaker 2: a week because people at this point, we don't have

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Speaker 2: neither of us have an investment in this, in this relationship, right,

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Speaker 2: And so after about a week, if I don't hear anything,

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Speaker 2: I'm moving forward, no hard feelings because neither of us

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Speaker 2: are invested in this yet. What about for you?

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Speaker 3: That's a good point do well. When I think about

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Speaker 3: ghosting in general, I think about it across all relationships.

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Speaker 3: So I'm not in the dating on the dating scene, right,

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Speaker 3: but I think about it with friends. I think about

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Speaker 3: it with employers. I think about it with potential partnerships

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Speaker 3: with podcast guests when we'll be reaching out to people

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Speaker 3: and they'd be like, yeah, we're gonna be going to show,

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Speaker 3: and then we don't hear nothing, like I think about

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Speaker 3: those instances, right, and even like with friends, and so

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Speaker 3: I would say, I agree with you, I think it

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Speaker 3: really is contextual. I think that if I were to text,

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Speaker 3: I think it does go back to whatever pattern you

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Speaker 3: all have established, right, if you're speaking to someone and

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Speaker 3: it's been like a little bit of time has a lapsed.

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Speaker 3: And if you have this sort of pattern of communication,

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Speaker 3: So if you text daily and then you don't hear

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Speaker 3: anything after a couple of days and then you respond

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Speaker 3: or you reach out and you don't hear anything, I

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Speaker 3: would probably assume the same. But if it's something yeah,

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Speaker 3: so I think it depends I was gonna say, but

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Speaker 3: if it's someone that you haven't really established a rapport with,

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Speaker 3: maybe something happened on their end and then they pop

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Speaker 3: back up a week later, you know, you never know.

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Speaker 3: I think it depends on the nature of the relationship,

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Speaker 3: what you've already established. So I will say, dom if

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Speaker 3: you text someone, like let's say you ask a question,

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Speaker 3: and this is I guess more so in the intimate realm,

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Speaker 3: if you ask a question and they have their read

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Speaker 3: receipts on and they leave you on red for about

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Speaker 3: a week, I feel like in that case you could

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Speaker 3: probably assume like, oh, okay, maybe they did ghost me.

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Speaker 3: Because people in this day and age, people are on

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Speaker 3: their phones, you know, like people typically have their phone

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Speaker 3: with them all the time. So if someone if you

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Speaker 3: reach out or you ask a question and someone like

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Speaker 3: you're not type of mind for them, you're not a priority,

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Speaker 3: and you don't hear from them. I think it's safe

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Speaker 3: to assume, all right, they I'm gonna fall back because

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Speaker 3: what we learned from some of this information that we

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Speaker 3: got in the DNS is that people be out here ghosting.

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Speaker 3: They also share their reasons why they have ghosted. So

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Speaker 3: I think this is going to be really insightful for people,

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Speaker 3: especially if you, lady, have been someone who's maybe been

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Speaker 3: in denial. Again, no judgments, I didn't been there too.

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Speaker 3: So Dom, let's talk about the feelings. How does it

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Speaker 3: feel to be ghosted?

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Speaker 2: Oh? You know, that's not easy now because I think

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Speaker 2: and I think, no matter when the ghosting occurs, it

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Speaker 2: will always feel like rejection. Right, yes, yes, So let's

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Speaker 2: say that it's someone that you know, you've been involved

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Speaker 2: with for months and then they all of a sudden

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Speaker 2: ghost you. It could feel I think the biggest feeling

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Speaker 2: that comes up, it's like a feeling of loss, a

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Speaker 2: feeling of grief. And I think people take that for granted,

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Speaker 2: like they minimize what that those those feel feeling of

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Speaker 2: grief and loss because I think from society we've been

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Speaker 2: taught that grief and loss is really about someone close

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Speaker 2: to us dying. And you know, we did a whole

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Speaker 2: episode on ambiguous loss and recognizing that it isn't that

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Speaker 2: grief occurs more than just when someone close to us dies,

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Speaker 2: that there are levels to it, right, and this is

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Speaker 2: one of those levels that when you've been ghosted again,

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Speaker 2: whether that is from someone that you have been dating

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Speaker 2: for months or someone that you just started communicating with,

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Speaker 2: there's a feeling of loss there, and I think that

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Speaker 2: those feelings should be honored absolutely.

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Speaker 3: Down there is a story that I want to read

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Speaker 3: in just a bit from one of our listeners that

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Speaker 3: decided to be extremely transparent and chiming on the top.

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Speaker 3: But a couple of things that come up for me.

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Speaker 3: Down One, it can trigger abandonment issues and childhood trauma

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Speaker 3: for sure, ask me how I know, y'all. Okay, that's one.

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Speaker 3: It can make you feel disrespected, used or disposable, especially

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Speaker 3: if they got the goodies and then they dipped out

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Speaker 3: and you ain't say nothing to me after you got

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Speaker 3: this what what?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: Okay, feeling out of control, like I remember personally having

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Speaker 3: moments of like feeling obsessive and like overthinking because you're

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Speaker 3: replaying everything that happened between you two, and you're like, wait,

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Speaker 3: I thought we were cool, Like I felt a connection.

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Speaker 3: I thought she felt a connection. And then I don't

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Speaker 3: hear from you, like did you did you get in

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Speaker 3: an accident? Like are you okay?

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Speaker 2: Going on?

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Speaker 3: I can imagine a world when you're not reaching out

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Speaker 3: to me, right because I thought the feeling was mutual.

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Speaker 3: It can damage your ego. And again, I'm going back

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Speaker 3: to what you said about feelings of grief and loss,

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Speaker 3: like it can really be. It can be traumatic for

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Speaker 3: some people.

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Speaker 2: Yes, And I think you know all those points that

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Speaker 2: you mentioned are important and important for us to acknowledge

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Speaker 2: within ourselves whatever those feelings are. All that come up. Right,

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Speaker 2: One that we didn't mention might be anger, And usually

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Speaker 2: anger is stemming from hurt, but yeah, anger is a

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Speaker 2: real feeling that can come up as well. And so

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Speaker 2: allowing yourself to acknowledge all of those feelings that come

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Speaker 2: up once you recognize that you've been.

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Speaker 3: Ghosted, yes, yes, yes, don that is spot on. So

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Speaker 3: what I want to do now, We're gonna read these

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Speaker 3: stories anonymously because some stuff got real, y'all. So I

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Speaker 3: just want to read a quick story from one of

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Speaker 3: our listeners, and what she says here is my experience

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Speaker 3: was being ghosted. I was fifteen years old and had

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Speaker 3: just given my virginity to my first boyfriend. At fifteen,

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Speaker 3: My first sexual experience wasn't ghetto, lol, she said. I

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Speaker 3: was courted. I was treated with such treatment that embodied

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Speaker 3: who my grandmother raised me to be a young lady.

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Speaker 3: He was respectful of my boundaries that I set and

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Speaker 3: didn't make any moves until I assured him I was ready.

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Speaker 3: After losing my virginity, I didn't hear from him at all.

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Speaker 3: He went missing, no answering when I called, no coming around.

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Speaker 3: I didn't even see him in the neighborhood anymore. It

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00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:12,000
Speaker 3: left me feeling dumb, as if I was used just

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Speaker 3: for sex. I felt inadequate, ugly, stupid, amongst a lot

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Speaker 3: of other feelings at our young age. I gathered maybe

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Speaker 3: he didn't know how to communicate that he only wanted

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Speaker 3: sex for me. I later found out that he had

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Speaker 3: another girlfriend, and it was humiliating. It taught me that

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Speaker 3: some people can be intentional in the ways that they

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Speaker 3: want you, and so misleading to supply their needs. Does

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Speaker 3: that make sense? It taught me that love isn't enough,

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Speaker 3: it's almost always conditional. It taught me to be guarded

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Speaker 3: until someone follows through with communication, reassurance, and so much more.

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Speaker 3: It made setting boundaries easy because even at fifteen, I

402
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Speaker 3: knew what I didn't deserve, what I wouldn't ever stand for,

403
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Speaker 3: And that's for a guy or man to mislead me,

404
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:59,439
Speaker 3: because that is also mistreatment. Being ghosted was about me

405
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,159
Speaker 3: at first, but as I grew older, I realized it

406
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,880
Speaker 3: was more about him. I didn't do anything wrong, even

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Speaker 3: though I convinced myself I did.

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Speaker 4: Wow.

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Speaker 2: You know, I think what's so unfortunate is that that

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Speaker 2: experience is common, right, that you connect with someone on

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Speaker 2: a sexual level and then they then they dip out right,

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Speaker 2: and and we may never know why that person chose

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Speaker 2: to dip out, But again it goes back to her.

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Speaker 2: Her main point at the end there that it was

415
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Speaker 2: about them and not about her, right, And you know,

416
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:49,120
Speaker 2: it sucks when that's our experience and reminding ourselves that

417
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,959
Speaker 2: one this is a risk that we take when we

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Speaker 2: engage sexually with someone else. It's a risk that we

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00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:04,760
Speaker 2: take when we engage in dating, right, and sometimes it

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Speaker 2: truly is about the other person and not about us,

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Speaker 2: like that, how they behave is their stuff, not ours.

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Speaker 3: And speaking of their stuff and not ours, let's get

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Speaker 3: into why people ghost, and this is real feedback from

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Speaker 3: real people. Okay, So if you're here, look at them,

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00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,800
Speaker 3: and if you're in a situation and you're wondering why,

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00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,960
Speaker 3: this may provide insight on like where other people are mentally,

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Speaker 3: so that when you experience something, you may be able

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Speaker 3: to like plug in some of these answers into your

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Speaker 3: situation perhaps. So let's just go ahead, all right, I'm

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Speaker 3: going to go to the first one that stood out

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Speaker 3: to me. So this woman says she goes to this

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Speaker 3: man because he had a very in all caps small

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Speaker 3: penis and I didn't want to tell him. So wait, wait, wait,

434
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,600
Speaker 3: let me read this again, because she's very specific here.

435
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:52,720
Speaker 3: It says, I goes to him because he had a

436
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,919
Speaker 3: very small penis and I didn't want to tell him

437
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,240
Speaker 3: it was little, it was little, so I blocked him everywhere.

438
00:24:58,400 --> 00:24:58,720
Speaker 2: Lol.

439
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:05,600
Speaker 3: That's so tough. That's a hard one because I've definitely

440
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:10,639
Speaker 3: been there before, and it's like you don't want to

441
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,720
Speaker 3: bruce someone's ego and tell them like, oh ya, dixmall,

442
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,679
Speaker 3: you don't want to say that, right, because that can

443
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:20,000
Speaker 3: really They know this is true, they do know, But

444
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:21,360
Speaker 3: what do you do in that situation?

445
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:24,800
Speaker 2: Right? I have a response, but I'm gonna wait.

446
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,920
Speaker 3: I'm a hold. Okay, you want to hear more, Okay,

447
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:30,600
Speaker 3: let's go some more, all right? So another one says,

448
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:34,720
Speaker 3: I wasn't sure my feelings or thoughts. My intentions were clear,

449
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:39,160
Speaker 3: but I wasn't sure how to articulate them. Another person says,

450
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:40,760
Speaker 3: I go to the woman for not being on the

451
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:45,879
Speaker 3: same level intellectually. Our conversations were are all the emojis

452
00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:49,080
Speaker 3: that are there? Someone else says I met them on

453
00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:52,280
Speaker 3: Facebook and when we facetimed, he was twenty three pounds,

454
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,280
Speaker 3: not twenty three pounds baby, twenty three pounds heavier than

455
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:58,119
Speaker 3: his pick and it was falding. Okay, exact number. She

456
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,040
Speaker 3: was like, well, that's twenty three pound, twenty three pounds

457
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,920
Speaker 3: every and he was balding. Another one says weird vibes,

458
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:10,640
Speaker 3: lack of communication, unrealistic expectations, cloudy attitude. The other one says,

459
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:14,240
Speaker 3: I just wasn't interested. That's always the reason. Someone else

460
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:19,080
Speaker 3: has fear of conflict and ability to speak one's truth respectfully,

461
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:21,760
Speaker 3: and then another one says, I gotta wait, I got

462
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,520
Speaker 3: a story to tell. I was ghosted to buy this woman. Oh,

463
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,439
Speaker 3: I was ghost to buy a woman for being clinging

464
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,000
Speaker 3: about that pussy. That's what it says, y'all. I'm just

465
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:29,639
Speaker 3: a read.

466
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,600
Speaker 2: Those are some of that.

467
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, those are some of the reasons. Oh yeah, that's

468
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:37,800
Speaker 3: why people ghost.

469
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:39,800
Speaker 2: Right, here's the reality?

470
00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:42,080
Speaker 3: What's the reality? Don tell us?

471
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,720
Speaker 2: Based on these examples, Based on the responses that the

472
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:49,080
Speaker 2: people gave, the theme that's coming up for me is

473
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:53,080
Speaker 2: lack of communication, right, yeah, yeah, it's like really not

474
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:58,840
Speaker 2: good communication skills. And I get it. However, for most

475
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:03,840
Speaker 2: of these people, I hate to say it, but I'm

476
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 2: gonna say it because we got to keep it real

477
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:10,000
Speaker 2: with the people that most of these reasons for ghosting

478
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:17,280
Speaker 2: are not necessarily healthy reasons for ghosting. Right. So to me,

479
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,399
Speaker 2: as I'm listening to some of these responses, what comes

480
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:24,200
Speaker 2: up for me is there may have been a different

481
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:28,760
Speaker 2: way to handle it right now. I do want to

482
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:35,280
Speaker 2: be clear though, that there are times when ghosting is acceptable,

483
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,119
Speaker 2: when it is when it is healthy, and we're going

484
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:42,840
Speaker 2: to get to that in a moment. But I the

485
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,239
Speaker 2: I think, go ahead, No, go ahead, go ahead. I

486
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:47,840
Speaker 2: just want to you know, I just want to say

487
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:53,440
Speaker 2: that these moments, these examples, to me, weren't the healthiest

488
00:27:53,480 --> 00:28:01,199
Speaker 2: reasons for ghosting someone. And if if you were listening

489
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:04,400
Speaker 2: and one of those responses was yours, still extend yourself

490
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:08,560
Speaker 2: some grace because none of us operate at our highest

491
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,600
Speaker 2: self all of the time.

492
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,159
Speaker 3: And many of us weren't taught how to have these

493
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,320
Speaker 3: difficult conversations. The one thing I'm going to say down

494
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,680
Speaker 3: before we jump into the other topic is I was

495
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,280
Speaker 3: a bit biased coming into this situation, so I did

496
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:23,520
Speaker 3: reach out. I was talking to some of my gay homeboys.

497
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,640
Speaker 3: I was talking to some of my lesbian and bisexual

498
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:29,919
Speaker 3: girlfriends and some non binary folks, and basically the consensus

499
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,840
Speaker 3: was everybody be out here ghosting. I honestly, I know

500
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:34,880
Speaker 3: this is bias, y'all. I thought that women, I thought

501
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,640
Speaker 3: that maybe we would communicate a bit more with people

502
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:40,440
Speaker 3: and like be it's a little bit more open and transparent.

503
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,200
Speaker 3: But one of my by girlfriends was like, it's not

504
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:46,719
Speaker 3: different when she's ghosted, but it may hurt more sometimes

505
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:49,600
Speaker 3: because it's like, damn girl like you, A woman like me,

506
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:52,320
Speaker 3: and you're gonna do me like that. Another homegirl, she

507
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:55,400
Speaker 3: was like, she was like what she say She's like, yeah,

508
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,280
Speaker 3: bitches be playing, That's what she said. Another friend was like,

509
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:01,160
Speaker 3: one of my non binary folks said that yes, she

510
00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:04,440
Speaker 3: experiences it or they experience it as well. And someone

511
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:08,520
Speaker 3: else said non binary. She has not experienced it from

512
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:13,040
Speaker 3: a non binary non binary person. So it's like it

513
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,000
Speaker 3: runs the gamut, right, it's not. It's not limited to

514
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 3: a gender right, or someone that's gender non conforming. It

515
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:22,200
Speaker 3: really does depend on the individual person, Like what is

516
00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:24,960
Speaker 3: their communication style, how do they view relationships, how do

517
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:28,080
Speaker 3: they view your relationships? What's their childhood trauma? Because I'm

518
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:30,440
Speaker 3: sure that always has something to do with the situation

519
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,520
Speaker 3: where childhood dynamics. So dom I know, we wanted to

520
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:37,320
Speaker 3: talk about predicting ghosting and when it's acceptable. So where

521
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:38,200
Speaker 3: should we go next?

522
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think let's talk about like how do

523
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:47,120
Speaker 2: we know, how can we see how can we predict

524
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:51,320
Speaker 2: when someone might ghost us? Right? Because, like you said,

525
00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:55,520
Speaker 2: we all come into we all come into relationships with

526
00:29:55,560 --> 00:30:00,760
Speaker 2: our own stuff, right, and often times when we are

527
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:04,120
Speaker 2: getting to know people, We've talked about the red flags

528
00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:08,640
Speaker 2: We've talked about the green flags, right, When someone has

529
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:11,560
Speaker 2: the green flags, we kind of know, we kind of

530
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:16,360
Speaker 2: also expect that communication is going to be handled in

531
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:20,080
Speaker 2: a certain way when we're seeing multiple green flags, right,

532
00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:27,320
Speaker 2: But what we also see are the red flags, and

533
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:30,720
Speaker 2: so things that we might see when someone is got

534
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:36,760
Speaker 2: has the potential to ghost us. Right, So there's a

535
00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:42,640
Speaker 2: handful of things that we kind of know. If they've

536
00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 2: talked to us about experiencing abandonment, we might have somebody

537
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:52,200
Speaker 2: who will try to in an effort to protect themselves.

538
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,840
Speaker 2: This is not about us. We got to remember this, right,

539
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:58,600
Speaker 2: that it's not about us. In an effort for them

540
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:05,640
Speaker 2: to protect themselves from being abandoned again, then they make ghosts. Right.

541
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:14,440
Speaker 2: If we've noticed that they avoid expressing their feelings, so

542
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:19,320
Speaker 2: we ask, well, how do you feel about xyz? And

543
00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:21,960
Speaker 2: it could be something random, how do you feel about

544
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:26,120
Speaker 2: all the rain we've been having in California? And they

545
00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:29,800
Speaker 2: can't even respond to that question. That is not even

546
00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:36,000
Speaker 2: any that's not necessarily something deep and vulnerable. If they

547
00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:40,040
Speaker 2: avoid expressing their feelings, chances are if things get rough

548
00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:44,320
Speaker 2: or uncomfortable between you all and your relationship and they're

549
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,840
Speaker 2: ready to leave. They're not going to tell you because

550
00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:49,000
Speaker 2: they don't express their feelings, They're going to walk away.

551
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:55,120
Speaker 2: They're more likely to ghost if they are someone who

552
00:31:55,400 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 2: has demonstrated that they don't feel accountable for their behavior,

553
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:07,440
Speaker 2: so they don't take any responsibility for anything that they do, good, bad,

554
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:11,040
Speaker 2: or otherwise. Chances are you've got a ghoster on your hands.

555
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:17,800
Speaker 2: If you all clearly have different views or values on

556
00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:25,800
Speaker 2: important topics, and you all have talked about the differences

557
00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:32,920
Speaker 2: in your views, but you all are still communicating, still

558
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:37,239
Speaker 2: spending time with one another, there's a high likelihood that

559
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:41,720
Speaker 2: when you all are confronted with those differences, when you

560
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:45,240
Speaker 2: all have to actually face those differences, that person will

561
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:51,000
Speaker 2: ghost you. And then, if a person needs to be

562
00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:55,320
Speaker 2: in control, if you have someone who always feels they

563
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:57,480
Speaker 2: always feel like they have to be in control of

564
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:03,200
Speaker 2: the situation, chancewers are if they sense that you are

565
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:08,960
Speaker 2: moving forward, moving away from the relationship, or if they

566
00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:13,120
Speaker 2: have become unhappy in the relationship, like if they sense

567
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 2: any discord, This person who needs to maintain control is

568
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,040
Speaker 2: going to ghost before you have a chance to take

569
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:23,720
Speaker 2: any action, because that leaves them in control. And again,

570
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:28,760
Speaker 2: in all of these scenarios, it's about the other person,

571
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:34,400
Speaker 2: it's not about you. See, what are your thoughts on these?

572
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,680
Speaker 3: Okay, so really quick, I want to say in the

573
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:39,320
Speaker 3: after show, lady, you want to stay until the end,

574
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:41,600
Speaker 3: because in the after show we're going to discuss more

575
00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 3: juicy topics around ghosting. We're going to talk about what

576
00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:46,960
Speaker 3: you can text someone if you're not hearing from them,

577
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:48,800
Speaker 3: right Like, if you don't hear from them, What do

578
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:51,560
Speaker 3: I say next? If you want to know when you

579
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:54,120
Speaker 3: should stop reaching out, because sometimes we be in denial

580
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:55,960
Speaker 3: and you might be like, well, wait, I think I

581
00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:58,160
Speaker 3: might want to still reach out. We'll tell you when

582
00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:00,680
Speaker 3: we believe you stop reaching out. Also talk about how

583
00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:05,000
Speaker 3: to communicate your expectations in a new situationship or relationship

584
00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:08,680
Speaker 3: and how just processing how you can go from like

585
00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:11,560
Speaker 3: having such an amazing time with someone to them going

586
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:14,360
Speaker 3: silent on you, like just processing that. So we're going

587
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,399
Speaker 3: to talk about that in the after show. So stay

588
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:18,480
Speaker 3: till the end. But I think you hit the nail

589
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:21,320
Speaker 3: on the head with these As far as predicting ghosting,

590
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,360
Speaker 3: I think those are definitely red flags. I think that

591
00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:26,720
Speaker 3: the important thing, though, and the beginning is to keep

592
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,160
Speaker 3: your eyes open. Sometimes it's so easy to get caught

593
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:31,319
Speaker 3: up in the bliss and caught up in the mob

594
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,239
Speaker 3: ass sex. That's what you're doing at this point in

595
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,640
Speaker 3: the relationship, right, You can get caught up in all

596
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:38,840
Speaker 3: those things, and you excuse the red flags, right like

597
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:40,880
Speaker 3: you excuse the things that kind of should give you

598
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:43,799
Speaker 3: pause because they can be indicators of what's to come

599
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:45,799
Speaker 3: in the future. Right, It's like a little bit of foreshadowing.

600
00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:48,160
Speaker 3: So I would agree with that wholeheartedly.

601
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:56,520
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, So we mentioned earlier mm hmm that there

602
00:34:56,600 --> 00:35:01,439
Speaker 2: are times when ghosting is appropriate, when it's healthy, right,

603
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:08,440
Speaker 2: when it's acceptable. Right, So, first and foremost, I want

604
00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:12,480
Speaker 2: to say, when you are in a relationship or you

605
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:17,239
Speaker 2: are meeting someone and you do not feel safe, So

606
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:21,600
Speaker 2: whatever that safety looks like to you, most of the time,

607
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:26,600
Speaker 2: it's about your physical safety. Right, If you do not

608
00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:31,040
Speaker 2: feel safe, it is okay to go to that person,

609
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,719
Speaker 2: and it is about protecting your safety. That is a

610
00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:38,120
Speaker 2: top priority. And so if that means that you never

611
00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:41,040
Speaker 2: talk to that person again, if you block them on

612
00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:43,960
Speaker 2: all ways of communication, then you do what you have

613
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:48,200
Speaker 2: to do to stay safe and out of danger. That

614
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:52,440
Speaker 2: is always acceptable ghosting is always acceptable in that regard.

615
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:57,520
Speaker 3: Absolutely, I would agree with that toime the next one.

616
00:35:57,560 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 3: Do you want to take the next one down? Because

617
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:00,239
Speaker 3: I really want to take numbers three?

618
00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:04,799
Speaker 2: Yes, I can go to that. Yes. So if the

619
00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:10,239
Speaker 2: other person is married or in a relationship. Right now,

620
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:19,160
Speaker 2: we all adults here. Everybody knows someone who has been

621
00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:23,000
Speaker 2: involved with someone who either you knew and this is

622
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:32,719
Speaker 2: what you wanted, or you found out later on that

623
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:37,920
Speaker 2: this person was married or in an otherwise committed relationship,

624
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:43,280
Speaker 2: and y'all ain't signed up for polyamory, y'all ain't signed

625
00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:48,359
Speaker 2: up for that, then it's okay for you to say,

626
00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:55,239
Speaker 2: you know what deuces I'm out like without an explanation,

627
00:36:56,400 --> 00:37:01,400
Speaker 2: because really, at this point, and this person has misled

628
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:06,360
Speaker 2: you and you don't have any intention of being in

629
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:12,200
Speaker 2: a polyamorous relationship or in any type of relationship with

630
00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:18,400
Speaker 2: someone who is committed to someone else, it is acceptable

631
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:21,160
Speaker 2: to dip out on that without an explanation because at

632
00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:24,080
Speaker 2: this point they know if they found out, I mean,

633
00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:27,799
Speaker 2: if you found out that they are in a relationship

634
00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:29,840
Speaker 2: and that was something that they have been hiding from you,

635
00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:36,719
Speaker 2: and now you find out, then they understand and it's

636
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:38,680
Speaker 2: okay to ghost.

637
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,000
Speaker 3: That makes sense. Don I'm looking at the next two

638
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:45,160
Speaker 3: ladies and I'm like, I'm torn down because part of

639
00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:49,279
Speaker 3: me thinks that one I've ghosted before, and I've been ghosted, right.

640
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 3: I just I feel that based on who I am today,

641
00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:54,920
Speaker 3: if I were like in the dating scene, or if

642
00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:57,520
Speaker 3: I was like in that space right now, I believe

643
00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:01,840
Speaker 3: that I would probably I'm a sucker for closure, So

644
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:03,799
Speaker 3: I feel like I would because I would want someone

645
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:05,320
Speaker 3: to be even if you were like you suck, I

646
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:07,759
Speaker 3: hate you, like I'm leaving or whatever. Like I would

647
00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:09,799
Speaker 3: want someone to tell me something so I know where

648
00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,080
Speaker 3: to go mentally, and I'm not like, hmm, you're creating

649
00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:14,080
Speaker 3: these false realities. So I feel like I would even

650
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:15,680
Speaker 3: if it's a text. Right, Maybe I'm like, I don't

651
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:18,520
Speaker 3: feel safe meeting up with this person, But I think

652
00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:23,719
Speaker 3: the type of communication that I would have would correlate

653
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:26,239
Speaker 3: to the nature of the relationship that's been built. Right,

654
00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:28,799
Speaker 3: So if it's been just like a tysting thing, yeah,

655
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:31,000
Speaker 3: but like if we've spent time together and like, have

656
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:34,080
Speaker 3: had good times together and then I find out like, God, damn,

657
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,000
Speaker 3: you lied, you married, I'm gonna be like I'm probably

658
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:38,239
Speaker 3: text like, yo, I found out that your a relationship.

659
00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:40,000
Speaker 3: That's file, Like you didn't tell me that, blah blah blah,

660
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:41,839
Speaker 3: it's over or whatever. And I feel like I would

661
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,759
Speaker 3: probably do that, And so that kind of goes to

662
00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:46,239
Speaker 3: the next one here, which is go with your gut, right,

663
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:49,840
Speaker 3: it's situational, know the nature of the link up or

664
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:52,840
Speaker 3: the intention behind it, Like if you know for a fact, okay,

665
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:56,239
Speaker 3: we're meeting for one night stand, like that's what this is.

666
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:59,520
Speaker 3: I'm out, or maybe it's like the kids got a sitter.

667
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:02,040
Speaker 3: I'm saying, I'm doing my thing. I'm about to go out,

668
00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:04,839
Speaker 3: and you know what it is, all right, they don't

669
00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,400
Speaker 3: text the next day or the next week or the

670
00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:09,480
Speaker 3: next month. Okay, we kind of knew what we signed

671
00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:11,520
Speaker 3: up for when we got into this, right, so I

672
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:14,359
Speaker 3: would say, no, the nature of that. The one after this,

673
00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:16,360
Speaker 3: I guess this will be number four is if you

674
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:18,640
Speaker 3: don't have a rapport with the person or don't know

675
00:39:18,719 --> 00:39:20,640
Speaker 3: each other. Well, kind of going back to what I

676
00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:24,000
Speaker 3: was saying around the nature of the relationship, Okay, if

677
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:27,360
Speaker 3: it falls off in the communication dwindles, it's like all right, cool,

678
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:30,920
Speaker 3: like it is what it is you know, yeah, yeah, I.

679
00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 2: Mean in the dating scene, like if you let's say

680
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:38,520
Speaker 2: you meet somebody on an app. Yeah, right, and then

681
00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:42,960
Speaker 2: you go from talking on the app to texting or calling,

682
00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:47,720
Speaker 2: and then but you all haven't set up a date yet.

683
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:51,880
Speaker 2: You all haven't met each other in person yet, you

684
00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:55,160
Speaker 2: all haven't done like a facetimed date or anything like that.

685
00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:01,640
Speaker 2: There's no, like you said, no rapport built, no deeper

686
00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:07,200
Speaker 2: emotional investment. If a few days go by and they

687
00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:10,200
Speaker 2: haven't said anything to you, and you don't feel compelled

688
00:40:10,239 --> 00:40:12,960
Speaker 2: to say anything to them, then we keep it moving.

689
00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:15,919
Speaker 2: No harm, no fiule, no harm, no file.

690
00:40:16,239 --> 00:40:18,120
Speaker 3: I will say down. I remember back in the day,

691
00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:21,080
Speaker 3: when I was younger, I used to this. I used

692
00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:22,879
Speaker 3: to give my number out whenever, like if someone were

693
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:24,759
Speaker 3: if we were out and about at a club or

694
00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:26,919
Speaker 3: somewhere and they add, like a guy asked for my number,

695
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:28,520
Speaker 3: I would usually give the number or give them a

696
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:33,120
Speaker 3: fake number, just to like diffuse any potential last Yeah,

697
00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:36,440
Speaker 3: just for my safety. Honestly, I'd be looking at him like, oh,

698
00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:38,000
Speaker 3: I'm not interested in you at all, but I'd give it,

699
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,680
Speaker 3: give them the number, just to like keep myself safe

700
00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:42,560
Speaker 3: in case they act out and then I just wouldn't

701
00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:45,560
Speaker 3: answer if they called or texted me later. So that

702
00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:47,719
Speaker 3: may not have been very mature, but in my like,

703
00:40:47,719 --> 00:40:49,759
Speaker 3: in my mind at the time, that felt like it

704
00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:51,799
Speaker 3: was keeping me safe because I used to hear all

705
00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:54,759
Speaker 3: those stories about men attacking a woman or just going

706
00:40:54,840 --> 00:40:57,480
Speaker 3: crazy because they didn't know how to deal with rejection.

707
00:40:57,640 --> 00:40:59,400
Speaker 3: So I would also say, if you don't have a

708
00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:02,799
Speaker 3: scheduled or plan with the other person and you go

709
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:04,840
Speaker 3: to them, then it's like, Okay, it is what it is.

710
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:07,279
Speaker 3: We met the club last night and I don't know you,

711
00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:09,560
Speaker 3: we don't have anything. So if I don't respond to

712
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:12,080
Speaker 3: our blockie right after, it is what it is. That

713
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:13,399
Speaker 3: that was my perspective, so.

714
00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:16,480
Speaker 2: I agree with that. I mean, when I was in college,

715
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,440
Speaker 2: I remember I used to give the number. When I

716
00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:20,759
Speaker 2: didn't want to give my real number, I would give

717
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:25,800
Speaker 2: the number to the university police department. Like now, listen,

718
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:28,160
Speaker 2: I can look back at that now and be like, damn, girl,

719
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:30,360
Speaker 2: that was m that was a little bit hard. That

720
00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:32,880
Speaker 2: was wild. That was wild to give the university police

721
00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:40,120
Speaker 2: the number, right, But what I would do now, what

722
00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:47,920
Speaker 2: I would tell college students now is exchange your social media, right,

723
00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:50,080
Speaker 2: and then you get to so like you're out and

724
00:41:50,080 --> 00:41:54,200
Speaker 2: about and you meet that person, exchange social media, and

725
00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:57,920
Speaker 2: then you can look at their social media. I mean,

726
00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:00,000
Speaker 2: obviously this is not a full sense of who they are,

727
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:03,120
Speaker 2: but you get some sense, right because we know social

728
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:05,680
Speaker 2: media don't be the full reality. But we get some

729
00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:08,560
Speaker 2: sense of who they are, right, Like did they give

730
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:10,719
Speaker 2: me a scammer account? Like did they give me their

731
00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:16,040
Speaker 2: fake install account? Like what? I get a sense of

732
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:19,319
Speaker 2: who they are, and then I can determine at that

733
00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:23,640
Speaker 2: point do I then want to give them my actual

734
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:30,319
Speaker 2: phone number moving forward? So I think that there. It

735
00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:32,399
Speaker 2: depends on the situation. So then if they reach out

736
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:34,400
Speaker 2: to you on social media, you get to decide do

737
00:42:34,480 --> 00:42:35,480
Speaker 2: you want to respond or not?

738
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:39,719
Speaker 3: At is spot on, Dom? I love it all right, ladies,

739
00:42:39,719 --> 00:42:41,440
Speaker 3: So we're coming to a close. We're about to dive

740
00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:43,720
Speaker 3: into how to care for yourself when you've been ghosted,

741
00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:47,720
Speaker 3: and again in the after show we have more perspectives

742
00:42:47,719 --> 00:42:49,719
Speaker 3: from the DMS and some other things that we're going

743
00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:51,600
Speaker 3: to cover. So stay until the end. Okay, So let's

744
00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:54,160
Speaker 3: talk about how to care for yourself when you've been

745
00:42:54,160 --> 00:42:57,560
Speaker 3: ghost to DOM. So number one, allow yourself to feel

746
00:42:57,600 --> 00:43:01,960
Speaker 3: your feelings, like feel the grief, feel the anger, feel

747
00:43:02,239 --> 00:43:06,440
Speaker 3: the disappointment, the perspective, whatever the feelings are. Let yourself

748
00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:08,279
Speaker 3: feel those. So even if you have to cry, like

749
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:11,160
Speaker 3: nobody's judging. Okay, we don't see you over there crying

750
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:12,840
Speaker 3: at home, nobody sees you don't got to tell nobody.

751
00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:14,680
Speaker 3: We know you still would be because I know many

752
00:43:14,719 --> 00:43:16,320
Speaker 3: of us are here. Be like, I'm a thug, but

753
00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:19,920
Speaker 3: still I still be crying, Like it's all Goodlet's okay, it's.

754
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:24,680
Speaker 2: Okay, Yes, let those feelings out. The second thing to

755
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:26,879
Speaker 2: do to care for yourself is to send that person

756
00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:29,759
Speaker 2: a quick note if you need closures. So, like you said, right,

757
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:35,800
Speaker 2: so if it's okay, they it's clear that that person

758
00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:39,120
Speaker 2: has ghosted you. But what what's needed for your heelings

759
00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:42,320
Speaker 2: for you to say something. You can say something quick

760
00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:45,600
Speaker 2: and to the point, you know, something to the effects

761
00:43:45,719 --> 00:43:49,480
Speaker 2: of I recognize that we haven't talked in a while.

762
00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:54,440
Speaker 2: I'm taking our lack of communication as an indication that

763
00:43:54,680 --> 00:44:01,480
Speaker 2: we are not aligned. I wish you well keep it short, simple,

764
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:04,200
Speaker 2: to the point. But if that's what you need for

765
00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:08,600
Speaker 2: your healing, then going ahead and send that quick.

766
00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:13,319
Speaker 3: Note h, I love that it can being very powerful too.

767
00:44:14,200 --> 00:44:17,840
Speaker 3: Number three is engage in self care. We have plenty

768
00:44:17,840 --> 00:44:20,240
Speaker 3: of episodes about self care. You can literally just google

769
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:24,440
Speaker 3: cultivating her Space podcast or her Space podcast self care,

770
00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:26,200
Speaker 3: and then all of our episodes should come up, so

771
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:29,520
Speaker 3: you can definitely engage in those episodes to help you

772
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:32,280
Speaker 3: engage in self care. And self care looks different for everyone,

773
00:44:32,320 --> 00:44:34,280
Speaker 3: which is something we emphasize a lot on the podcast.

774
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:36,279
Speaker 3: So whatever that looks like for you, I know for

775
00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:39,160
Speaker 3: me it's like a massage or working out. It might

776
00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:43,000
Speaker 3: be some sex, it might be some self sex, right,

777
00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:45,600
Speaker 3: you might have little masturbation. I mean, whatever it is

778
00:44:45,680 --> 00:44:46,279
Speaker 3: for you, do.

779
00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:50,560
Speaker 2: That, yes, And so then that takes us to number four,

780
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:55,360
Speaker 2: which is connecting with your support system. Right, so whether

781
00:44:55,520 --> 00:45:01,279
Speaker 2: that is spending time with your supportive friends, whether that

782
00:45:01,719 --> 00:45:06,560
Speaker 2: is talking it out with your therapist, but connecting with

783
00:45:06,719 --> 00:45:11,600
Speaker 2: the people who surround you with the love that you need,

784
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:14,960
Speaker 2: who are constantly gassing you up and are your biggest

785
00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:20,279
Speaker 2: cheerleaders because that helps in your healing. So again number

786
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,120
Speaker 2: four connects with your support system.

787
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:26,120
Speaker 3: And then number five is write an FU letter. People

788
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:28,240
Speaker 3: have different names for this type of letter, but Basically,

789
00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:31,200
Speaker 3: it's a letter that you write where you get all

790
00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:32,880
Speaker 3: of your feelings out. You say what you want to

791
00:45:32,880 --> 00:45:34,719
Speaker 3: say to the person, but you don't have to send it.

792
00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:37,280
Speaker 3: I either write a letter or I do voice notes.

793
00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:39,520
Speaker 3: They have been super helpful, or they have like an

794
00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:42,200
Speaker 3: empty chair activity where you put a chair in the

795
00:45:42,320 --> 00:45:44,560
Speaker 3: room you talk to the person as if they're there,

796
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:47,680
Speaker 3: to get those emotions and feelings outside it like out

797
00:45:47,719 --> 00:45:50,520
Speaker 3: of yourself and into the atmosphere, so you're not holding

798
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:52,200
Speaker 3: on to all those things that you really want to

799
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:54,560
Speaker 3: say to the person. Right, if you don't have the closure,

800
00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:57,000
Speaker 3: so you could do a voice note, the letter or

801
00:45:57,040 --> 00:46:00,200
Speaker 3: the empty chair activity to get it out and get

802
00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:00,680
Speaker 3: too more.

803
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:06,920
Speaker 2: Yes. So then the next one is remind yourself of

804
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:12,640
Speaker 2: why people ghost. Right, Remember that chances are it is

805
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:19,719
Speaker 2: not about you. They may be ghosting you based on

806
00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:24,799
Speaker 2: all those predictors that we talked about before. It may

807
00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:29,560
Speaker 2: be something that again has more than likely has nothing

808
00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:33,200
Speaker 2: to do with you, And so remind yourself of that. Right,

809
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:37,920
Speaker 2: remind yourself of why people ghost, and remind yourself of

810
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:39,000
Speaker 2: who you are.

811
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:43,000
Speaker 3: I know that's right, don't forget who you are. Booth,

812
00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:48,239
Speaker 3: and there's this article on Quora dot com and the

813
00:46:48,360 --> 00:46:50,200
Speaker 3: question that was posed. I actually sent this to my

814
00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:52,520
Speaker 3: friend who was going through this. It says, I haven't

815
00:46:52,600 --> 00:46:54,759
Speaker 3: heard from him? Should I text? Should I send him

816
00:46:54,760 --> 00:46:57,000
Speaker 3: a text? And so this kind of leads into the

817
00:46:57,080 --> 00:46:58,480
Speaker 3: last tip that we want to share, and then we'll

818
00:46:58,520 --> 00:47:02,280
Speaker 3: do a quick little recap of the tips. So don

819
00:47:02,480 --> 00:47:04,759
Speaker 3: left this wonderful comment that I thought was really great.

820
00:47:04,840 --> 00:47:07,480
Speaker 3: So what she says is, no, don't do it. If

821
00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:11,160
Speaker 3: you want him, go get busy doing something else meaningful

822
00:47:11,239 --> 00:47:14,239
Speaker 3: to your life. I've read quality research from Men's Health

823
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:17,440
Speaker 3: magazine and that lays it out. Men are not stupid.

824
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 3: They know who you are, they know you are there.

825
00:47:23,239 --> 00:47:24,520
Speaker 3: If they want to be with you, they will be

826
00:47:24,600 --> 00:47:27,120
Speaker 3: in touch. If they aren't calling you, then they are

827
00:47:27,239 --> 00:47:29,920
Speaker 3: not wanting to be with you. It's that simple, and

828
00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:32,160
Speaker 3: I know that hurts. The post is a lot longer,

829
00:47:32,239 --> 00:47:34,640
Speaker 3: but it really is. It can be edifying for you

830
00:47:35,040 --> 00:47:38,279
Speaker 3: if you're in that space of like, should I text that, right?

831
00:47:38,280 --> 00:47:41,520
Speaker 3: Should I reach out? It says distract yourself with good things, right,

832
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:43,719
Speaker 3: So whether it's hanging out with your friends, reading a

833
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:46,560
Speaker 3: good book, distracting yourself with something in your own life

834
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:49,759
Speaker 3: could be really helpful. So the last tip here is

835
00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:51,440
Speaker 3: focused on your own life. Dom Do you want to

836
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:52,240
Speaker 3: do a quick recap?

837
00:47:53,280 --> 00:47:57,359
Speaker 2: Yes? So, how do we care for ourselves when we've

838
00:47:57,400 --> 00:47:59,920
Speaker 2: been ghosted? What are the healing things that we can

839
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:04,400
Speaker 2: and do? So? Number one allow yourself to feel the feelings.

840
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:09,200
Speaker 2: Number two, send a quick note if you need closure.

841
00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:15,960
Speaker 2: Number three, engage in self care. Number four, connect with

842
00:48:16,080 --> 00:48:20,719
Speaker 2: your support system. Number five, write that f you letter.

843
00:48:21,960 --> 00:48:27,200
Speaker 2: Number six remind yourself of why people ghosts, and number

844
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:34,520
Speaker 2: seven focus on your own life. Now, lady, we are

845
00:48:34,760 --> 00:48:37,800
Speaker 2: about to hop into the after show, So if you

846
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:43,600
Speaker 2: want to find out how to know when it's time

847
00:48:43,719 --> 00:48:48,200
Speaker 2: to stop reaching out, if you want to hear more

848
00:48:48,280 --> 00:48:53,040
Speaker 2: of our listener testimonials, if you want to know what

849
00:48:53,360 --> 00:48:57,200
Speaker 2: text to initially send when you haven't heard from someone,

850
00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:04,840
Speaker 2: how to communicate those expectations, or how you can go

851
00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:10,600
Speaker 2: from being so great together and then them going silent,

852
00:49:10,719 --> 00:49:14,000
Speaker 2: like really understanding that process. You got to tune into

853
00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:15,920
Speaker 2: the after Show because we're going to give you a

854
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:19,440
Speaker 2: quick rundown of all of that. And if you aren't

855
00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:22,160
Speaker 2: able to access the after Show, that means you are

856
00:49:22,239 --> 00:49:25,480
Speaker 2: not a Patreon subscriber, So that means you need to

857
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:29,080
Speaker 2: go to herspacepodcast dot com and click on Wisdom Wednesdays

858
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:33,719
Speaker 2: with Terry and become a Patreon subscriber so you can

859
00:49:33,840 --> 00:49:37,600
Speaker 2: get all the juicy afterbits in our after show.

860
00:49:38,920 --> 00:49:40,920
Speaker 3: That's right, all right, dom, I'll see you in the

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00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:41,840
Speaker 3: after show girl.

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00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:46,800
Speaker 2: All right. Hey lady, it's doctor dom here from the

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00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:51,360
Speaker 2: Cultivating Herspace podcast. Are you currently a resident of the

864
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:56,560
Speaker 2: state of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well,

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00:49:56,600 --> 00:50:00,840
Speaker 2: if so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique

866
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:05,520
Speaker 2: Brusard dot com. That's d R D O M I

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Speaker 2: N I q U E b R O U ss

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00:50:11,880 --> 00:50:17,120
Speaker 2: ar D dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.

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Speaker 2: I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for joining

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00:50:22,239 --> 00:50:27,080
Speaker 2: us today. Please note that our show may contain conversations

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00:50:27,160 --> 00:50:32,800
Speaker 2: about self help, advice, self empowerment, and mental health, but

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00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:35,719
Speaker 2: is by no means meant to be a substitute for

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00:50:35,840 --> 00:50:40,080
Speaker 2: an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental health provider.

874
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:43,600
Speaker 2: If you are someone you know is in need of

875
00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:47,840
Speaker 2: mental healthcare, please visit a Therapy for Black Girls directory

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Speaker 2: Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

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00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:54,680
Speaker 3: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

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00:50:54,719 --> 00:50:59,040
Speaker 3: the conversation going, Visit our website at herspace podcast dot

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00:50:59,200 --> 00:51:01,759
Speaker 3: com and be sure to click the Patreon tab to

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00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:05,719
Speaker 3: get access to video content bonuses in our weekly after

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00:51:05,880 --> 00:51:10,320
Speaker 3: show and before We Meet Again, repeat after me, I

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00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:13,440
Speaker 3: am worthy of what I desire, period