WEBVTT - It's Going to Be Okay 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:05.359 Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I heard radio podcast. 0:00:06.640 --> 0:00:10.639 Hi Kristen, Hi. I have to say I'm just going 0:00:10.680 --> 0:00:15.480 to start it right now saying, um, last week's episode, 0:00:15.840 --> 0:00:18.319 I got so many d m s about people just 0:00:18.400 --> 0:00:23.239 being like, thank you for talking about grief and Christian's 0:00:23.280 --> 0:00:27.560 emotions because you were upset, not you were upset. I mean, 0:00:27.720 --> 0:00:30.960 oh I was upset. But then you're also like, should 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:34.239 we like edit it out? Well, I will say I 0:00:34.360 --> 0:00:36.680 usually will have a little bit of a vulnerability hangover 0:00:36.760 --> 0:00:39.440 for like maybe a day, maybe a couple of hours. 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:43.519 This one has lasted well over a week. I mean, 0:00:43.560 --> 0:00:46.040 it was just such a gut punch, like it was 0:00:46.120 --> 0:00:49.519 so honest from my heart, and the tears were so 0:00:49.600 --> 0:00:53.800 genuine that I it was just not cute. Nothing, it 0:00:53.880 --> 0:00:56.320 wasn't cute. But I also got a lot of messages. 0:00:57.640 --> 0:00:59.880 So it's hard because of my family system for me 0:01:00.000 --> 0:01:03.400 to say the things I say is not okay. There's 0:01:03.400 --> 0:01:07.679 a lot of pushback. Why because I'm truth telling and 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:13.160 I go against a narrative. So that's why all of 0:01:13.160 --> 0:01:15.679 that felt genuinely honest to me. But then like it 0:01:15.800 --> 0:01:18.080 also there's this little bit of like shame piece, like 0:01:18.080 --> 0:01:20.200 I'm not going with the flow kind of. But then 0:01:20.240 --> 0:01:23.040 when everyone started reaching out to me like I feel 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:26.880 this too, it was everything I need. It's confirmation. Well, 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:30.320 that's kind of I told you. I'm like, listen ye 0:01:32.120 --> 0:01:35.520 to talk on a podcast, to to be I think 0:01:35.600 --> 0:01:38.119 the best thing to be able to do. And it's hard. 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:43.360 I mean whenever I'm vulnerable, or when you're authentic or 0:01:43.400 --> 0:01:45.360 not authentic that's a bad word. When you're vulnerable and 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:50.160 you share, sometimes it's very um it's hard because you 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:52.800 feel very exposed. Yeah, I felt naked in the middle 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:55.920 of like an arena. Yeah, and so but I'm like, 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:58.160 but that's where that's how you connect to people. You 0:01:58.200 --> 0:02:02.120 can't just kind them on here and not speak from 0:02:02.160 --> 0:02:04.360 your heart and tell the truth, which I think that's 0:02:04.360 --> 0:02:06.720 why you and I are friends. Yes, And I think 0:02:06.840 --> 0:02:09.600 that's why people connect to you, is because you're honest 0:02:10.040 --> 0:02:14.760 and yeah, and you speak with vulnerability and you speak 0:02:14.800 --> 0:02:18.160 with and then that's what people that's what people connect to. Yeah, 0:02:18.200 --> 0:02:21.600 people connect to people, Yeah, not ideas of people. So 0:02:21.680 --> 0:02:25.120 I think I think, uh, I think that showed so 0:02:25.240 --> 0:02:28.919 much last week. And so there's any bad comments I 0:02:28.919 --> 0:02:31.520 don't want to know, Well, that's the thing that's the problem, 0:02:31.560 --> 0:02:34.000 Like when you open yourself up. I didn't read and 0:02:34.080 --> 0:02:36.400 then people know I didn't either, and I've you know, 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:38.519 you guys have taught me to stop reading. But it's 0:02:38.560 --> 0:02:40.680 hard because when you open yourself up and then you 0:02:40.720 --> 0:02:44.480 see people go, well, she should feel terrible for having 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:46.720 relief for this or that, and it's like whoa, and 0:02:46.720 --> 0:02:49.480 then you were like you feel that's where the personal 0:02:49.480 --> 0:02:53.280 attack comes in. And it's hard because it's like, but 0:02:53.360 --> 0:02:55.800 I shared so vulnerably and like, how do you not understand? 0:02:55.880 --> 0:02:57.920 Like and then it's like you almost Then where I 0:02:57.960 --> 0:02:59.880 go is I want to defend and then that's just 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:03.120 like it's a rabbit hole that just like gets that 0:03:03.240 --> 0:03:07.040 Michigan grit gets us every time. But I will say 0:03:07.080 --> 0:03:09.480 people did have my back last week though about the 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:14.280 swapping they did. Did they not have my back? Then? 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:16.799 They're like so many people were like, oh no, that's 0:03:16.800 --> 0:03:20.240 how I met my so and so, and then poor 0:03:20.720 --> 0:03:24.400 funny Jewish guy was like, listen to the episodes, so 0:03:24.440 --> 0:03:28.560 I guess we are just friends. It's like getting broken 0:03:28.639 --> 0:03:31.120 up with on a post it find out on a podcast. 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:33.800 But I was like, we already had this conversation. They're 0:03:33.800 --> 0:03:38.440 funny Jewish guy so much I know bless um. So 0:03:38.520 --> 0:03:41.840 he's not coming to the podcast for the holidays. No, 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:44.360 he's not coming for holidays. There is someone this is 0:03:44.440 --> 0:03:47.160 really funny. So I went to do you want to 0:03:47.160 --> 0:03:49.120 hear the story? I haven't even told you? Was like, 0:03:49.240 --> 0:03:55.560 this is I get excited. This is like inside of queendom. 0:03:55.600 --> 0:03:58.280 There's a lot of I like that where it's like 0:03:58.520 --> 0:04:01.080 because it's christened kind of told me one of the 0:04:01.120 --> 0:04:05.400 best things that I've heard. I think it was where 0:04:05.400 --> 0:04:10.360 it was either's too much blue? Oh yeah, I'm too 0:04:10.400 --> 0:04:14.360 much blue? And she goes over sharing that, but also 0:04:14.400 --> 0:04:18.040 like the guy needs to have like anybody, and there 0:04:18.040 --> 0:04:21.880 shouldn't be that much blue for anybody. Right, Yeah, that's 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:23.680 a lot of gray. That's a lot of gray. This 0:04:23.720 --> 0:04:26.200 is good. This is good. So life in the gray 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:31.560 area looks pretty tunting. Who is this? Well? This is 0:04:31.600 --> 0:04:34.320 okay again, Like y'all you guys know, I'm just like, 0:04:34.480 --> 0:04:38.880 I'm open. You're dating dating, right, just like I've never 0:04:38.920 --> 0:04:41.760 been good at dating. Well me neither. I meet someone, 0:04:41.800 --> 0:04:44.719 I'm like, I want to get married. That doesn't seem accurate. 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:48.960 Oh wait, let me google just a couple. That's okay. 0:04:50.279 --> 0:04:53.320 I just know what I love to love. I know, 0:04:53.480 --> 0:04:56.080 and I like that you go all in I do. 0:04:56.320 --> 0:04:59.320 I'm like, here's my heart. But this time you're going 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:02.680 all in on your yes. And so this time I'm 0:05:02.720 --> 0:05:06.280 with an optional funny jewish guy here and there, an 0:05:06.320 --> 0:05:08.680 optional boring guy that I wanted out here and there 0:05:08.839 --> 0:05:11.960 he's out good good, shoot, I can tell you something 0:05:12.000 --> 0:05:14.600 that I did. No, I did? What did you do? 0:05:14.760 --> 0:05:16.919 Did you do the closure blue text? I need to 0:05:17.360 --> 0:05:24.760 know it's bad? Tell me this is like so this 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:27.200 is like a group not y'all are just in it 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:28.920 with me right now? I know, I have sweaty hands, 0:05:28.920 --> 0:05:32.200 like maybe we shouldn't be you tell them everything on 0:05:32.240 --> 0:05:38.480 this podcast? Not everything kind of kind of but no, 0:05:38.680 --> 0:05:41.440 I'm like, this is actually a topic. I want to 0:05:41.440 --> 0:05:42.720 talk to them. I can go back to there's so 0:05:42.760 --> 0:05:46.039 many things. Okay, I actually have a one to maybe Okay, yeah, 0:05:46.240 --> 0:05:48.880 I know it's a little juicy or two for me. Okay, 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:50.720 let me hurry up with my no no, no, And 0:05:50.760 --> 0:05:52.239 we don't even have to get to it, can table. 0:05:52.800 --> 0:05:54.680 I didn't to qualify it. So this is like a 0:05:54.839 --> 0:05:58.760 dropping no, this is kind this is great. Okay, so 0:05:58.839 --> 0:06:01.159 let's go back to boring Jewish guy just for a 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:08.039 hot minute. I wish I could share his nickname. Okay, Um, 0:06:08.080 --> 0:06:13.080 I sent a text, I know, why are we wrapping today? 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:15.560 Nothing to wrap up if you had nothing in the 0:06:15.560 --> 0:06:18.279 first place. But it wasn't a wrap up, which makes 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:22.680 it even worse. What was it picture? So no, I 0:06:22.720 --> 0:06:29.920 didn't send a picture a video? I did. It was 0:06:30.040 --> 0:06:33.479 it was a video because he might be in the 0:06:33.720 --> 0:06:37.760 sports world, and it was a video of Jace playing baseball. 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:42.120 M and so I sent it to him now and 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:46.480 then I said, I thought this might cheer up your 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:49.800 DAGs and I I could just tell from the stuff 0:06:49.800 --> 0:06:52.040 there was like a rough day. I thought that this 0:06:52.120 --> 0:06:57.920 would might inspire your personality because my almost four year 0:06:57.960 --> 0:07:04.200 old has more personality in his big toe. Continue, I said, 0:07:05.839 --> 0:07:10.040 why this is I'm going to the topic. Okay. So 0:07:10.080 --> 0:07:13.240 I sent this message and I said, I thought this 0:07:13.400 --> 0:07:18.920 was Um, I'm so mad. Yeah, I'm I'm equally a 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:22.240 little bit angry as well. I know I'm gonna get 0:07:22.240 --> 0:07:26.880 to the topic though, But I said, so, I thought 0:07:26.920 --> 0:07:30.640 this might make you smile, cheer up. Um, I said, 0:07:30.880 --> 0:07:37.040 you've been on my heart we taught you nothing, damn it. 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:43.120 And I said, like, I hope you're doing well, because 0:07:43.120 --> 0:07:46.520 again we would talk every like two days, and then 0:07:46.520 --> 0:07:49.880 it went to like and by talking mean you talked, 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:52.680 and he gave appropriate no no. I know he would 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:55.120 always text me first though I never texted him first ever. 0:07:55.640 --> 0:07:57.840 And then when he told me to start texting him 0:07:58.000 --> 0:07:59.880 or text him when I feel that's when it stopped. 0:08:00.080 --> 0:08:02.440 Was like, what the heck? And so then I didn't. 0:08:02.560 --> 0:08:05.840 I maybe like texted a few times and then and 0:08:05.880 --> 0:08:08.840 then what happened was then all of a sudden, we 0:08:09.080 --> 0:08:11.160 this this is also what bothers me with the dating world. 0:08:11.480 --> 0:08:14.520 It went from him texting me every two days to 0:08:14.720 --> 0:08:16.600 like hitting her fro him for two weeks. I'm kind 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:18.360 of like what happened? And that's when we kind of 0:08:18.360 --> 0:08:22.200 had the conversation like my personal detachment issues blah blah blah. 0:08:22.280 --> 0:08:24.240 So cut to then it's been another two weeks since 0:08:24.280 --> 0:08:28.800 that whole corporate message personal attachment stuff. But I was 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:30.920 just like, you know what, I'm just gonna send a thing, 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:32.679 and so I sent that and then I was like, 0:08:32.880 --> 0:08:35.280 you know, you've been on my heart. I'm like, hope 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:39.080 you that heart really bothers. That's the part where I'm like, 0:08:39.640 --> 0:08:44.320 have we learned nothing? Damn it. It's genuine of you, 0:08:44.400 --> 0:08:46.640 an authentic of you. It's just not going to ever 0:08:46.760 --> 0:08:50.280 Land anywhere that's going to feel like it's reciprocated. I know, well, 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:52.360 this is where my This is the topic right here 0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:55.640 that I'm about to get to is this. And I 0:08:55.679 --> 0:09:00.320 sent a little blue heart And the second I sent 0:09:00.480 --> 0:09:06.400 the text message, I was like, damn it, no, no, no, no, 0:09:06.520 --> 0:09:09.480 we're trapped were tractor tractor tractor track? Why is there 0:09:09.520 --> 0:09:14.000 not an unsend button? There is on Instagram, There is 0:09:14.160 --> 0:09:17.840 no not on text mess and there should be. I 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:21.319 am so angry at myself that I sent that because 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:25.720 I know better. What did you want? Well, guess what 0:09:25.760 --> 0:09:35.000 do you sent back? Damn it? Black heart to you too? 0:09:36.360 --> 0:09:41.480 No do we need any more signs to Okay? So 0:09:41.880 --> 0:09:45.040 one thousand million person I literally woke up to that. Mario, 0:09:46.360 --> 0:09:49.679 Oh and I'm done. I'm done. But we rolled back 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:54.080 the tape on two episodes ago when we also anybody 0:09:54.120 --> 0:09:56.560 does anybody have that audio? And we just insert it 0:09:56.640 --> 0:10:02.200 right here, so I, um, black are not new? Oh 0:10:02.360 --> 0:10:05.800 wait there is now with the new iOS, Apple will 0:10:05.840 --> 0:10:10.040 come see stop. Really, there's a new one, Jackie. Please 0:10:10.080 --> 0:10:11.960 come on here. Please lease lea lea LEAs list. It's 0:10:11.960 --> 0:10:17.000 gonna be helpful and also scandalous. This unsaid what because 0:10:17.000 --> 0:10:20.000 there's so many things that I've said that I'm like, 0:10:20.040 --> 0:10:21.640 oh shoot, I want to take that back, Like you 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:24.360 know that when like last year with my divorce, like 0:10:24.640 --> 0:10:26.400 things where I was angry with I'm like, well, I 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:29.160 told you to pack the freaking lunchbox, you know, like 0:10:29.440 --> 0:10:32.000 why didn't you forget it? It's like dis similar this morning? 0:10:33.040 --> 0:10:36.959 Where's the garage door opener? Jannet. You can in the 0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:39.480 new iOS you can unsend and edit messages, but we'll 0:10:39.480 --> 0:10:42.240 tell the other person that you did it to be 0:10:42.360 --> 0:10:47.040 fifteen minutes after you sent it. I don't need I need. 0:10:47.160 --> 0:10:49.920 I need I need to after the second I send it. 0:10:49.960 --> 0:10:53.200 I need the unsend because you know, in the moment, 0:10:53.640 --> 0:10:56.200 I mean literally the second I press sent, I go, 0:10:56.480 --> 0:11:01.000 oh no, Janna, why did you do that? We need 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:03.680 a fifteen minute delay on Kramer's life at all times. 0:11:04.160 --> 0:11:08.959 I think you can't mean you should get one of 0:11:09.000 --> 0:11:11.200 those like medical bracelets and just as weight fifteen minutes 0:11:11.200 --> 0:11:13.959 before hitting sent, you know, like she had that it's 0:11:14.000 --> 0:11:16.920 called the queendom and she doesn't use it or the 0:11:16.920 --> 0:11:20.680 medical bracelet. We've said, We've even said text us in 0:11:20.679 --> 0:11:23.520 the group chat, any of your feelings, pretend were the guy. 0:11:23.640 --> 0:11:25.360 Just send it and let us respond to you the 0:11:25.400 --> 0:11:27.760 way it should be responded to and that you won't get. 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:31.439 And yet here we are on episode I have to 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:35.080 I have to test this out. Are you sending something 0:11:35.120 --> 0:11:38.400 to me? Have you updated your iOS? Hello, Kristen, I 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:43.240 don't know. Maybe I'm gonna go hello Christen more delete? No, okay, 0:11:43.280 --> 0:11:46.560 I'm gonna have to Maybe I didn't. You have to 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:49.280 update your iOS and then the feature should be already 0:11:49.280 --> 0:11:52.440 get there. Well, I could have used it last night. 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:56.679 Black Heart to you, Kramer, Welcome. So I'm done for 0:11:56.720 --> 0:11:59.320 real this time. I just need like a pinky swear 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:03.200 or something, a document or an Affidavid. I'm exhausted. When 0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:05.280 is this over? But I was like but then I 0:12:05.360 --> 0:12:07.440 was like a block, like what like here and here's 0:12:07.440 --> 0:12:10.320 the thing, just tell me, like when you're done. But 0:12:10.400 --> 0:12:15.080 that's what what like I kind of did? Did he? Well? 0:12:15.240 --> 0:12:18.360 He he kind of? When someone here's the thing, when 0:12:18.400 --> 0:12:21.520 someone stops communicating with someone, I'd rather I would like 0:12:21.960 --> 0:12:26.079 I wouldn't meet when he tells you Eastern, but I didn't. 0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:29.960 We just text me for over two years, like I 0:12:30.000 --> 0:12:33.040 think we know. I think I want someone to be 0:12:33.120 --> 0:12:36.720 like hey, like you do change the game. I want 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:38.400 to be like, hey, I'm really not into this anymore 0:12:38.760 --> 0:12:41.640 that I would appreciate that. For example, this one guy 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:46.280 was texting me saying, um he was saying, it's an 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:51.520 l A based guy. Uh yeah. He was like, hey, 0:12:51.520 --> 0:12:54.280 like I want to see you again, you know, would 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:57.040 you like to hang out again? And I'm like, personally, 0:12:58.160 --> 0:13:00.760 I was like, I just I'm not in that space 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:03.560 and I don't know romantically if I'm if I'm feeling it, 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:06.680 And so that to me is how it should be handled, 0:13:07.040 --> 0:13:11.040 both very respectful instead of like I'm not going to 0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:14.120 text you for two weeks. Well that's why I asked 0:13:14.160 --> 0:13:16.200 why you sent it, because I feel like the one 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:19.080 thing I've always loved about you is that your heart 0:13:19.080 --> 0:13:22.560 on the sleeve. And no, but it is a good thing. 0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:26.000 Like when you think of someone, you just send them 0:13:26.000 --> 0:13:28.680 that you're thinking of them. That's like a really wonderful characteristic. 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:30.240 If more people did that, the world might be a 0:13:30.280 --> 0:13:33.480 kind or softer place. So if you're sending it just 0:13:33.480 --> 0:13:35.160 because you're like, man, I was just genuinely thinking of 0:13:35.200 --> 0:13:38.000 a hope as well? Or did you send it hoping 0:13:38.040 --> 0:13:40.200 there with some sort of like something more than a 0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:44.120 black heart was going to come back? These may not 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:47.840 be answers you're willing to share with your beautiful podcast family. 0:13:48.040 --> 0:13:50.600 This might be an internal or a diary question, but 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:52.959 I would challenge to ask you eas didn't just sent 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:56.839 me a black heart? And I want to east and 0:13:56.880 --> 0:14:01.320 great you're our newest love interest. Wait wait, look again, 0:14:01.480 --> 0:14:03.880 did I actually send it? Look at your tex How 0:14:03.880 --> 0:14:06.920 did you want to send it? Oh? Wait, it's there? 0:14:08.160 --> 0:14:10.319 Oh wow you Oh it says you and sent a message. 0:14:10.400 --> 0:14:13.040 Jane K can still see the message say well, because 0:14:13.080 --> 0:14:16.760 I don't think you've updated yet. Oh wow, that's gonna 0:14:16.800 --> 0:14:18.520 be dangerous. So everyone has to be on the new 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:21.320 iOS for us all to play the game software updates, 0:14:22.160 --> 0:14:24.720 download and installed. Okay, I'm going to download it while 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:26.640 we're gonna take a break and bring our guest on, 0:14:27.160 --> 0:14:30.480 and then we're going to try it again once um 0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:32.800 the guests is done. Because now I'm this, this is 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:35.800 this is like the most needed thing for me ever. UM. 0:14:35.840 --> 0:14:38.600 So it's gonna download, We're gonna take a break, get 0:14:38.600 --> 0:14:40.920 our guests on, and then we're gonna unpin something that 0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:44.400 Kristen is going to bring to the table, and then 0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:48.280 I'll answer the other question maybe someday, probably not in 0:14:48.400 --> 0:15:04.640 her diary offline alright. So our guest coming on. Her 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:08.280 name is Dylan Lovitt and she has a blog called 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:14.520 we Got this Blog. UM. So her dad committed suicide 0:15:15.360 --> 0:15:19.040 UM at four when she was fourteen years old. UM. 0:15:19.120 --> 0:15:24.160 And so she's been able to grieve and um heal 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:30.480 through writing UM. And so she's got this blog UM. 0:15:30.520 --> 0:15:33.560 And she actually wrote a blog post that we saw 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:39.840 about coming on wind on podcast UM, and so we 0:15:39.880 --> 0:15:42.720 reached out to her because we thought it would be um, 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:46.120 you know, obviously a conversation and something, you know, like 0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:48.320 when she wrote about coming on wind Down, it's like, hey, 0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:51.040 like there's you know, there's things that she wants to 0:15:51.080 --> 0:15:55.600 share and things that people, um, you know, UM should 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:57.480 hear like one of her things. As grief is just 0:15:57.520 --> 0:15:59.120 like the ocean, there are so many parts that are 0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:03.040 undiscovered UM. And some wounds just don't heal and they 0:16:03.080 --> 0:16:05.120 never will and UM. So we're gonna get her on 0:16:05.280 --> 0:16:08.360 and talk to her about her blog post and how 0:16:08.400 --> 0:16:15.080 she's doing today another late day for me, I'm sure. Dylan, 0:16:17.200 --> 0:16:21.240 Hi girl, Hi, how are you good? How are you? 0:16:22.360 --> 0:16:30.840 I'm good? Thank you, Dylan. You're beautiful, Kristen, I'm sweet. Hi. Um. 0:16:31.000 --> 0:16:34.400 First of all, how old are you now? So I'm seventeen. 0:16:35.800 --> 0:16:37.920 I gotta tell you there's an injustice in the world. 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:41.640 Are you ready? When I was seventeen, I didn't look 0:16:41.680 --> 0:16:44.200 like you. We all had a mandatory ugly phase. We 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:46.560 all had to go through it. And your generation doesn't 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:48.600 have that anymore. It's absolutely you all just go from 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:52.320 cute to stunning. Oh my god, you're both are so sweet. 0:16:52.400 --> 0:16:55.160 I was like so nervous getting ready to got my 0:16:55.200 --> 0:16:58.040 hair done this morning. I was like, I did my makeup. 0:16:58.080 --> 0:17:00.880 I was like, I'm like on the phone with my grandma, Like, 0:17:00.920 --> 0:17:02.920 oh my gosh, I'm so nervous, Like I want to 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:05.080 look really good, like I want to look put together, 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:09.600 like I didn't do that. I think that's fairly honest. 0:17:10.520 --> 0:17:14.760 Well you have. You look amazing and um, we're so 0:17:14.800 --> 0:17:17.160 happy to have you on the podcast. Um. We saw 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:22.080 your blog post about coming on the show and we're 0:17:22.119 --> 0:17:25.399 just really happy to have you on here and UM again, 0:17:25.560 --> 0:17:30.160 as a she's seventeen year old, I mean to be um, 0:17:30.440 --> 0:17:33.000 to have walked what you've already walked, and to be 0:17:33.240 --> 0:17:35.600 so vulnerable and sharing, like I just want to, like, 0:17:36.040 --> 0:17:38.000 first of all, like affirm you and just say thank you, 0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:42.159 like for for having um the heart and the and 0:17:42.240 --> 0:17:45.040 the you know, and and I think to like you, 0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:47.399 you probably want to help other people with with your words, 0:17:47.400 --> 0:17:52.160 and I think that's a beautiful thing. Totally. Yeah, that's 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:56.640 that's really why I set out to start this blog 0:17:56.640 --> 0:18:01.080 and to write about my story because where where I 0:18:01.119 --> 0:18:03.080 come from, I live in New Jersey, and I'm also 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:06.280 young with a teenager. I've never really I never really 0:18:06.280 --> 0:18:10.120 met someone who had been through something like this before, 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:13.480 and so I often felt really lonely, like I had 0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:17.000 my mother and my sister, and I'm a twin, so 0:18:17.080 --> 0:18:19.800 my sister and I are very much like we see 0:18:19.800 --> 0:18:24.479 a lot of things similarly, some things differently. UM, But really, 0:18:24.720 --> 0:18:29.600 I I was like, I have met nobody who's ever, 0:18:30.600 --> 0:18:33.520 you know, had these type of experiences, and I'm like, 0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:39.320 I don't want other people who, unfortunately in the future, 0:18:39.640 --> 0:18:43.160 may go through something like this to feel like they 0:18:43.200 --> 0:18:48.000 didn't have anybody to help them out and to guide 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:50.120 them and to show them, you know what, A lot 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:53.480 of days are really really difficult, and a lot of 0:18:53.560 --> 0:18:57.400 days are really hard, but not every day is super difficult, 0:18:57.480 --> 0:19:00.919 and not every day is super hard. Like I'm oftentimes 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:05.040 a very happy kid. I feel very blessed in my life. 0:19:05.040 --> 0:19:08.240 I'm very lucky to live where I live and to 0:19:08.400 --> 0:19:14.240 be given such amazing opportunities. Um, I have my dream job. 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:18.880 I teach kids martial arts. Like I I really do 0:19:19.119 --> 0:19:24.040 often feel very grateful for my life. But then there 0:19:24.040 --> 0:19:27.439 are you know, things that have happened and things that 0:19:27.480 --> 0:19:30.960 I wish didn't happen. Um, but yeah, that's why I said, 0:19:30.960 --> 0:19:33.720 you know what, daih, you gotta start this, you gotta 0:19:33.760 --> 0:19:37.760 write this, you can do this. And and here I 0:19:37.800 --> 0:19:41.600 am today fell in at seventeen the words too that 0:19:41.680 --> 0:19:44.080 she's speaking, and I'm like this, are you gonna be 0:19:44.160 --> 0:19:46.520 running an empire gon a ceo of like I mean, 0:19:46.600 --> 0:19:50.000 my god, planning your own helicopter on top of your skyscraper. 0:19:50.040 --> 0:19:54.520 I'm here for it, Lancz. I mean, I guess let's 0:19:54.520 --> 0:19:58.280 go back to um, to that time you were fourteen, 0:19:58.359 --> 0:20:02.600 when your father committed suicide. Um, where where were you? 0:20:02.800 --> 0:20:06.879 Where was Um? Yeah, just kind of like set that 0:20:06.920 --> 0:20:12.040 scene for us. Yes, So he died on a Tuesday. 0:20:12.160 --> 0:20:17.200 He died on October twenty nine, twenty nineteen, And it 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:20.919 kind of started off as any regular day. He Um. 0:20:21.000 --> 0:20:23.560 He drove my sister and I to school, and we 0:20:23.560 --> 0:20:26.960 were listening to music and we were laughing, just kind 0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:32.639 of what we normally did, and it was just a 0:20:32.680 --> 0:20:37.400 normal car ride. And then he told us he loved us, 0:20:37.880 --> 0:20:41.600 and we told him we loved him back. And that 0:20:41.680 --> 0:20:45.440 was the last time my sister or me would ever 0:20:45.480 --> 0:20:48.680 see him, and I'm fairly certain it was the last 0:20:48.720 --> 0:20:54.399 time my mother would ever see him. Um. Right after school, UM, 0:20:54.560 --> 0:20:56.719 my sister Alex and I had a tennis lesson, so 0:20:56.760 --> 0:21:01.240 we went straight from school to tennis, where we played 0:21:01.280 --> 0:21:04.280 in a two hour clinic. And everybody in my family 0:21:04.400 --> 0:21:08.359 plays tennis. My dad was like a ridiculous golfer tennis player, 0:21:08.640 --> 0:21:12.280 and um, and I played really well that day, Like 0:21:12.320 --> 0:21:15.280 anyone who plays tennis knows that sometimes you have really 0:21:15.440 --> 0:21:18.520 good days and sometimes you have some not good days 0:21:18.560 --> 0:21:22.840 on the court. But I felt like I just played amazing, 0:21:22.960 --> 0:21:26.800 like I had scored like several points on like the 0:21:26.840 --> 0:21:29.119 best kid in our clinic. I felt like at the 0:21:29.160 --> 0:21:31.320 top of the world. I mean, it didn't really matter, 0:21:31.359 --> 0:21:34.280 but I was like, oh my gosh, like he's the 0:21:34.280 --> 0:21:37.080 best kid and I can keep up with him. And 0:21:37.119 --> 0:21:41.040 the first person I wanted to tell after my lesson 0:21:41.119 --> 0:21:43.480 was my dad. I'm like, he's gonna be so proud 0:21:43.520 --> 0:21:46.000 of me, and he's gonna give me a high five 0:21:46.680 --> 0:21:50.680 and hug and and I got home that day. I 0:21:50.760 --> 0:21:55.000 got home that night and nobody knew where he was. 0:21:56.040 --> 0:21:59.720 Mother's looking for him. I'm looking for him, I think 0:21:59.760 --> 0:22:03.359 I it. It was like called out his name, Lynned 0:22:03.400 --> 0:22:04.840 and answer. I was like, Okay, he's probably in a 0:22:04.920 --> 0:22:08.280 work call. He worked from home. So I go to 0:22:08.400 --> 0:22:11.160 my room, My sister goes to her room. And then 0:22:11.200 --> 0:22:13.679 about ten minutes after we got home, I hear my 0:22:13.800 --> 0:22:17.680 mother screaming to leave the house and sorry, I take 0:22:17.720 --> 0:22:20.919 my sister. And it was raining outside. It was a 0:22:20.920 --> 0:22:24.040 gross night in New Jersey, and we went to our 0:22:24.040 --> 0:22:27.080 neighbor's house where we were there for two hours. Was 0:22:27.200 --> 0:22:30.359 zero knowledge of what was going on. What did you 0:22:30.440 --> 0:22:33.240 just say, What's happening in that moment? Like what is 0:22:33.280 --> 0:22:35.639 your fourteen year old brain think? Like you're you're no 0:22:35.800 --> 0:22:39.800 questions asked, You're just leaving. I thought that there was 0:22:39.840 --> 0:22:43.560 something wrong with my dog. I don't think I processed, 0:22:43.760 --> 0:22:48.119 and like I thought that it could be my dad, 0:22:48.520 --> 0:22:51.119 like I thought. I don't know why I thought this, 0:22:51.200 --> 0:22:54.000 but um, my cousin has epilepsy and I'm super close 0:22:54.200 --> 0:22:57.320 with my cousin, so I'm like, maybe it's brody. And 0:22:57.720 --> 0:23:00.479 my mom's got a call from my aunt. Like I 0:23:00.640 --> 0:23:04.280 really had no idea. I mean, we're walking slate at night. 0:23:04.440 --> 0:23:08.359 My sister's crying, trying to comfort her. I'm like, Lex, 0:23:08.480 --> 0:23:11.359 it's okay, Like it's gonna be all right, Like Mom's 0:23:11.359 --> 0:23:13.399 gonna text us and we'll be home in a half 0:23:13.440 --> 0:23:15.879 hour and then we could do our homework and eat dinner, 0:23:16.000 --> 0:23:18.959 like everything's gonna be fine. Um. We go to our 0:23:19.000 --> 0:23:22.440 neighbor's house and we were there for like I said, 0:23:22.440 --> 0:23:25.280 we were there for two hours. I think we watched 0:23:25.320 --> 0:23:29.320 like six episodes of Friends. He Um, he was super sweet. 0:23:29.359 --> 0:23:31.440 He's like, we can order in pizza, we can order 0:23:31.480 --> 0:23:34.280 in dinner. My sister and I are like no, no, no, 0:23:34.480 --> 0:23:37.000