1 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:05,359 Speaker 1: Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I heard radio podcast. 2 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:10,639 Speaker 1: Hi Kristen, Hi. I have to say I'm just going 3 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 1: to start it right now saying, um, last week's episode, 4 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,319 Speaker 1: I got so many d m s about people just 5 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:23,239 Speaker 1: being like, thank you for talking about grief and Christian's 6 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:27,560 Speaker 1: emotions because you were upset, not you were upset. I mean, 7 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:30,960 Speaker 1: oh I was upset. But then you're also like, should 8 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,239 Speaker 1: we like edit it out? Well, I will say I 9 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:36,680 Speaker 1: usually will have a little bit of a vulnerability hangover 10 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,440 Speaker 1: for like maybe a day, maybe a couple of hours. 11 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:43,519 Speaker 1: This one has lasted well over a week. I mean, 12 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:46,040 Speaker 1: it was just such a gut punch, like it was 13 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,519 Speaker 1: so honest from my heart, and the tears were so 14 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:53,800 Speaker 1: genuine that I it was just not cute. Nothing, it 15 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:56,320 Speaker 1: wasn't cute. But I also got a lot of messages. 16 00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 1: So it's hard because of my family system for me 17 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,400 Speaker 1: to say the things I say is not okay. There's 18 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:07,679 Speaker 1: a lot of pushback. Why because I'm truth telling and 19 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 1: I go against a narrative. So that's why all of 20 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,679 Speaker 1: that felt genuinely honest to me. But then like it 21 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,080 Speaker 1: also there's this little bit of like shame piece, like 22 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,200 Speaker 1: I'm not going with the flow kind of. But then 23 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:23,040 Speaker 1: when everyone started reaching out to me like I feel 24 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 1: this too, it was everything I need. It's confirmation. Well, 25 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:30,320 Speaker 1: that's kind of I told you. I'm like, listen ye 26 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:35,520 Speaker 1: to talk on a podcast, to to be I think 27 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,119 Speaker 1: the best thing to be able to do. And it's hard. 28 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:43,360 Speaker 1: I mean whenever I'm vulnerable, or when you're authentic or 29 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 1: not authentic that's a bad word. When you're vulnerable and 30 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:50,160 Speaker 1: you share, sometimes it's very um it's hard because you 31 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,800 Speaker 1: feel very exposed. Yeah, I felt naked in the middle 32 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 1: of like an arena. Yeah, and so but I'm like, 33 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 1: but that's where that's how you connect to people. You 34 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:02,120 Speaker 1: can't just kind them on here and not speak from 35 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,360 Speaker 1: your heart and tell the truth, which I think that's 36 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,720 Speaker 1: why you and I are friends. Yes, And I think 37 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,600 Speaker 1: that's why people connect to you, is because you're honest 38 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:14,760 Speaker 1: and yeah, and you speak with vulnerability and you speak 39 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,160 Speaker 1: with and then that's what people that's what people connect to. Yeah, 40 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 1: people connect to people, Yeah, not ideas of people. So 41 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 1: I think I think, uh, I think that showed so 42 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,919 Speaker 1: much last week. And so there's any bad comments I 43 00:02:28,919 --> 00:02:31,520 Speaker 1: don't want to know, Well, that's the thing that's the problem, 44 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,000 Speaker 1: Like when you open yourself up. I didn't read and 45 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,400 Speaker 1: then people know I didn't either, and I've you know, 46 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,519 Speaker 1: you guys have taught me to stop reading. But it's 47 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,680 Speaker 1: hard because when you open yourself up and then you 48 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 1: see people go, well, she should feel terrible for having 49 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,720 Speaker 1: relief for this or that, and it's like whoa, and 50 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: then you were like you feel that's where the personal 51 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 1: attack comes in. And it's hard because it's like, but 52 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,800 Speaker 1: I shared so vulnerably and like, how do you not understand? 53 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,920 Speaker 1: Like and then it's like you almost Then where I 54 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,880 Speaker 1: go is I want to defend and then that's just 55 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:03,120 Speaker 1: like it's a rabbit hole that just like gets that 56 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:07,040 Speaker 1: Michigan grit gets us every time. But I will say 57 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: people did have my back last week though about the 58 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:14,280 Speaker 1: swapping they did. Did they not have my back? Then? 59 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:16,799 Speaker 1: They're like so many people were like, oh no, that's 60 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,240 Speaker 1: how I met my so and so, and then poor 61 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:24,400 Speaker 1: funny Jewish guy was like, listen to the episodes, so 62 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 1: I guess we are just friends. It's like getting broken 63 00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:31,120 Speaker 1: up with on a post it find out on a podcast. 64 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,800 Speaker 1: But I was like, we already had this conversation. They're 65 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:38,440 Speaker 1: funny Jewish guy so much I know bless um. So 66 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,840 Speaker 1: he's not coming to the podcast for the holidays. No, 67 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,360 Speaker 1: he's not coming for holidays. There is someone this is 68 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,160 Speaker 1: really funny. So I went to do you want to 69 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,120 Speaker 1: hear the story? I haven't even told you? Was like, 70 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:55,560 Speaker 1: this is I get excited. This is like inside of queendom. 71 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,280 Speaker 1: There's a lot of I like that where it's like 72 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,080 Speaker 1: because it's christened kind of told me one of the 73 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:05,400 Speaker 1: best things that I've heard. I think it was where 74 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:10,360 Speaker 1: it was either's too much blue? Oh yeah, I'm too 75 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:14,360 Speaker 1: much blue? And she goes over sharing that, but also 76 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:18,040 Speaker 1: like the guy needs to have like anybody, and there 77 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,880 Speaker 1: shouldn't be that much blue for anybody. Right, Yeah, that's 78 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,680 Speaker 1: a lot of gray. That's a lot of gray. This 79 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,200 Speaker 1: is good. This is good. So life in the gray 80 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:31,560 Speaker 1: area looks pretty tunting. Who is this? Well? This is 81 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,320 Speaker 1: okay again, Like y'all you guys know, I'm just like, 82 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 1: I'm open. You're dating dating, right, just like I've never 83 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: been good at dating. Well me neither. I meet someone, 84 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,719 Speaker 1: I'm like, I want to get married. That doesn't seem accurate. 85 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:48,960 Speaker 1: Oh wait, let me google just a couple. That's okay. 86 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 1: I just know what I love to love. I know, 87 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 1: and I like that you go all in I do. 88 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:59,320 Speaker 1: I'm like, here's my heart. But this time you're going 89 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,680 Speaker 1: all in on your yes. And so this time I'm 90 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:06,280 Speaker 1: with an optional funny jewish guy here and there, an 91 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,680 Speaker 1: optional boring guy that I wanted out here and there 92 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:11,960 Speaker 1: he's out good good, shoot, I can tell you something 93 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,600 Speaker 1: that I did. No, I did? What did you do? 94 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:16,919 Speaker 1: Did you do the closure blue text? I need to 95 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:24,760 Speaker 1: know it's bad? Tell me this is like so this 96 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:27,200 Speaker 1: is like a group not y'all are just in it 97 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,920 Speaker 1: with me right now? I know, I have sweaty hands, 98 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,200 Speaker 1: like maybe we shouldn't be you tell them everything on 99 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:38,480 Speaker 1: this podcast? Not everything kind of kind of but no, 100 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,440 Speaker 1: I'm like, this is actually a topic. I want to 101 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:42,720 Speaker 1: talk to them. I can go back to there's so 102 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:46,039 Speaker 1: many things. Okay, I actually have a one to maybe Okay, yeah, 103 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,880 Speaker 1: I know it's a little juicy or two for me. Okay, 104 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,720 Speaker 1: let me hurry up with my no no, no, And 105 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,239 Speaker 1: we don't even have to get to it, can table. 106 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 1: I didn't to qualify it. So this is like a 107 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:58,760 Speaker 1: dropping no, this is kind this is great. Okay, so 108 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:01,159 Speaker 1: let's go back to boring Jewish guy just for a 109 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:08,039 Speaker 1: hot minute. I wish I could share his nickname. Okay, Um, 110 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 1: I sent a text, I know, why are we wrapping today? 111 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,560 Speaker 1: Nothing to wrap up if you had nothing in the 112 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,279 Speaker 1: first place. But it wasn't a wrap up, which makes 113 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:22,680 Speaker 1: it even worse. What was it picture? So no, I 114 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:29,920 Speaker 1: didn't send a picture a video? I did. It was 115 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,479 Speaker 1: it was a video because he might be in the 116 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:37,760 Speaker 1: sports world, and it was a video of Jace playing baseball. 117 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:42,120 Speaker 1: M and so I sent it to him now and 118 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:46,480 Speaker 1: then I said, I thought this might cheer up your 119 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 1: DAGs and I I could just tell from the stuff 120 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,040 Speaker 1: there was like a rough day. I thought that this 121 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:57,920 Speaker 1: would might inspire your personality because my almost four year 122 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 1: old has more personality in his big toe. Continue, I said, 123 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:10,040 Speaker 1: why this is I'm going to the topic. Okay. So 124 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:13,240 Speaker 1: I sent this message and I said, I thought this 125 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 1: was Um, I'm so mad. Yeah, I'm I'm equally a 126 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,240 Speaker 1: little bit angry as well. I know I'm gonna get 127 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:26,880 Speaker 1: to the topic though, But I said, so, I thought 128 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,640 Speaker 1: this might make you smile, cheer up. Um, I said, 129 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 1: you've been on my heart we taught you nothing, damn it. 130 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,120 Speaker 1: And I said, like, I hope you're doing well, because 131 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 1: again we would talk every like two days, and then 132 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:49,880 Speaker 1: it went to like and by talking mean you talked, 133 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,680 Speaker 1: and he gave appropriate no no. I know he would 134 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,120 Speaker 1: always text me first though I never texted him first ever. 135 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,840 Speaker 1: And then when he told me to start texting him 136 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 1: or text him when I feel that's when it stopped. 137 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,440 Speaker 1: Was like, what the heck? And so then I didn't. 138 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,840 Speaker 1: I maybe like texted a few times and then and 139 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:08,840 Speaker 1: then what happened was then all of a sudden, we 140 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,160 Speaker 1: this this is also what bothers me with the dating world. 141 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: It went from him texting me every two days to 142 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: like hitting her fro him for two weeks. I'm kind 143 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,360 Speaker 1: of like what happened? And that's when we kind of 144 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:22,200 Speaker 1: had the conversation like my personal detachment issues blah blah blah. 145 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,240 Speaker 1: So cut to then it's been another two weeks since 146 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:28,800 Speaker 1: that whole corporate message personal attachment stuff. But I was 147 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,920 Speaker 1: just like, you know what, I'm just gonna send a thing, 148 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,679 Speaker 1: and so I sent that and then I was like, 149 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,280 Speaker 1: you know, you've been on my heart. I'm like, hope 150 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:39,080 Speaker 1: you that heart really bothers. That's the part where I'm like, 151 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:44,320 Speaker 1: have we learned nothing? Damn it. It's genuine of you, 152 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,640 Speaker 1: an authentic of you. It's just not going to ever 153 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:50,280 Speaker 1: Land anywhere that's going to feel like it's reciprocated. I know, well, 154 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,360 Speaker 1: this is where my This is the topic right here 155 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,640 Speaker 1: that I'm about to get to is this. And I 156 00:08:55,679 --> 00:09:00,320 Speaker 1: sent a little blue heart And the second I sent 157 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 1: the text message, I was like, damn it, no, no, no, no, 158 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:09,480 Speaker 1: we're trapped were tractor tractor tractor track? Why is there 159 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:14,000 Speaker 1: not an unsend button? There is on Instagram, There is 160 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,840 Speaker 1: no not on text mess and there should be. I 161 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,319 Speaker 1: am so angry at myself that I sent that because 162 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:25,720 Speaker 1: I know better. What did you want? Well, guess what 163 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:35,000 Speaker 1: do you sent back? Damn it? Black heart to you too? 164 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 1: No do we need any more signs to Okay? So 165 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:45,040 Speaker 1: one thousand million person I literally woke up to that. Mario, 166 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:49,679 Speaker 1: Oh and I'm done. I'm done. But we rolled back 167 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:54,080 Speaker 1: the tape on two episodes ago when we also anybody 168 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,560 Speaker 1: does anybody have that audio? And we just insert it 169 00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:02,200 Speaker 1: right here, so I, um, black are not new? Oh 170 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:05,800 Speaker 1: wait there is now with the new iOS, Apple will 171 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 1: come see stop. Really, there's a new one, Jackie. Please 172 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:11,960 Speaker 1: come on here. Please lease lea lea LEAs list. It's 173 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:17,000 Speaker 1: gonna be helpful and also scandalous. This unsaid what because 174 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:20,000 Speaker 1: there's so many things that I've said that I'm like, 175 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,640 Speaker 1: oh shoot, I want to take that back, Like you 176 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,360 Speaker 1: know that when like last year with my divorce, like 177 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,400 Speaker 1: things where I was angry with I'm like, well, I 178 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,160 Speaker 1: told you to pack the freaking lunchbox, you know, like 179 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,000 Speaker 1: why didn't you forget it? It's like dis similar this morning? 180 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,959 Speaker 1: Where's the garage door opener? Jannet. You can in the 181 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,480 Speaker 1: new iOS you can unsend and edit messages, but we'll 182 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,240 Speaker 1: tell the other person that you did it to be 183 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:47,040 Speaker 1: fifteen minutes after you sent it. I don't need I need. 184 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,920 Speaker 1: I need I need to after the second I send it. 185 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,200 Speaker 1: I need the unsend because you know, in the moment, 186 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,200 Speaker 1: I mean literally the second I press sent, I go, 187 00:10:56,480 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: oh no, Janna, why did you do that? We need 188 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,680 Speaker 1: a fifteen minute delay on Kramer's life at all times. 189 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:08,959 Speaker 1: I think you can't mean you should get one of 190 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,200 Speaker 1: those like medical bracelets and just as weight fifteen minutes 191 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,959 Speaker 1: before hitting sent, you know, like she had that it's 192 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,920 Speaker 1: called the queendom and she doesn't use it or the 193 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,680 Speaker 1: medical bracelet. We've said, We've even said text us in 194 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:23,520 Speaker 1: the group chat, any of your feelings, pretend were the guy. 195 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,360 Speaker 1: Just send it and let us respond to you the 196 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,760 Speaker 1: way it should be responded to and that you won't get. 197 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:31,439 Speaker 1: And yet here we are on episode I have to 198 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,080 Speaker 1: I have to test this out. Are you sending something 199 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,400 Speaker 1: to me? Have you updated your iOS? Hello, Kristen, I 200 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 1: don't know. Maybe I'm gonna go hello Christen more delete? No, okay, 201 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,560 Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to Maybe I didn't. You have to 202 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,280 Speaker 1: update your iOS and then the feature should be already 203 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:52,440 Speaker 1: get there. Well, I could have used it last night. 204 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,679 Speaker 1: Black Heart to you, Kramer, Welcome. So I'm done for 205 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,320 Speaker 1: real this time. I just need like a pinky swear 206 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:03,200 Speaker 1: or something, a document or an Affidavid. I'm exhausted. When 207 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 1: is this over? But I was like but then I 208 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:07,440 Speaker 1: was like a block, like what like here and here's 209 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,320 Speaker 1: the thing, just tell me, like when you're done. But 210 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:15,080 Speaker 1: that's what what like I kind of did? Did he? Well? 211 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,360 Speaker 1: He he kind of? When someone here's the thing, when 212 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 1: someone stops communicating with someone, I'd rather I would like 213 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:26,079 Speaker 1: I wouldn't meet when he tells you Eastern, but I didn't. 214 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:29,960 Speaker 1: We just text me for over two years, like I 215 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,040 Speaker 1: think we know. I think I want someone to be 216 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,720 Speaker 1: like hey, like you do change the game. I want 217 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,400 Speaker 1: to be like, hey, I'm really not into this anymore 218 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,640 Speaker 1: that I would appreciate that. For example, this one guy 219 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 1: was texting me saying, um he was saying, it's an 220 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 1: l A based guy. Uh yeah. He was like, hey, 221 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,280 Speaker 1: like I want to see you again, you know, would 222 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:57,040 Speaker 1: you like to hang out again? And I'm like, personally, 223 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,760 Speaker 1: I was like, I just I'm not in that space 224 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,560 Speaker 1: and I don't know romantically if I'm if I'm feeling it, 225 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,680 Speaker 1: And so that to me is how it should be handled, 226 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:11,040 Speaker 1: both very respectful instead of like I'm not going to 227 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,120 Speaker 1: text you for two weeks. Well that's why I asked 228 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,200 Speaker 1: why you sent it, because I feel like the one 229 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,080 Speaker 1: thing I've always loved about you is that your heart 230 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,560 Speaker 1: on the sleeve. And no, but it is a good thing. 231 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,000 Speaker 1: Like when you think of someone, you just send them 232 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,680 Speaker 1: that you're thinking of them. That's like a really wonderful characteristic. 233 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,240 Speaker 1: If more people did that, the world might be a 234 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:33,480 Speaker 1: kind or softer place. So if you're sending it just 235 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,160 Speaker 1: because you're like, man, I was just genuinely thinking of 236 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,000 Speaker 1: a hope as well? Or did you send it hoping 237 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,200 Speaker 1: there with some sort of like something more than a 238 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:44,120 Speaker 1: black heart was going to come back? These may not 239 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,840 Speaker 1: be answers you're willing to share with your beautiful podcast family. 240 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,600 Speaker 1: This might be an internal or a diary question, but 241 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,959 Speaker 1: I would challenge to ask you eas didn't just sent 242 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,839 Speaker 1: me a black heart? And I want to east and 243 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 1: great you're our newest love interest. Wait wait, look again, 244 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 1: did I actually send it? Look at your tex How 245 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,920 Speaker 1: did you want to send it? Oh? Wait, it's there? 246 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,319 Speaker 1: Oh wow you Oh it says you and sent a message. 247 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,040 Speaker 1: Jane K can still see the message say well, because 248 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,760 Speaker 1: I don't think you've updated yet. Oh wow, that's gonna 249 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,520 Speaker 1: be dangerous. So everyone has to be on the new 250 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 1: iOS for us all to play the game software updates, 251 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,720 Speaker 1: download and installed. Okay, I'm going to download it while 252 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,640 Speaker 1: we're gonna take a break and bring our guest on, 253 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,480 Speaker 1: and then we're going to try it again once um 254 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,800 Speaker 1: the guests is done. Because now I'm this, this is 255 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,800 Speaker 1: this is like the most needed thing for me ever. UM. 256 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: So it's gonna download, We're gonna take a break, get 257 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,920 Speaker 1: our guests on, and then we're gonna unpin something that 258 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,400 Speaker 1: Kristen is going to bring to the table, and then 259 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,280 Speaker 1: I'll answer the other question maybe someday, probably not in 260 00:14:48,400 --> 00:15:04,640 Speaker 1: her diary offline alright. So our guest coming on. Her 261 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,280 Speaker 1: name is Dylan Lovitt and she has a blog called 262 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:14,520 Speaker 1: we Got this Blog. UM. So her dad committed suicide 263 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:19,040 Speaker 1: UM at four when she was fourteen years old. UM. 264 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:24,160 Speaker 1: And so she's been able to grieve and um heal 265 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:30,480 Speaker 1: through writing UM. And so she's got this blog UM. 266 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 1: And she actually wrote a blog post that we saw 267 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:39,840 Speaker 1: about coming on wind on podcast UM, and so we 268 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:42,720 Speaker 1: reached out to her because we thought it would be um, 269 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,120 Speaker 1: you know, obviously a conversation and something, you know, like 270 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,320 Speaker 1: when she wrote about coming on wind Down, it's like, hey, 271 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,040 Speaker 1: like there's you know, there's things that she wants to 272 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:55,600 Speaker 1: share and things that people, um, you know, UM should 273 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,480 Speaker 1: hear like one of her things. As grief is just 274 00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:59,120 Speaker 1: like the ocean, there are so many parts that are 275 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:03,040 Speaker 1: undiscovered UM. And some wounds just don't heal and they 276 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,120 Speaker 1: never will and UM. So we're gonna get her on 277 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 1: and talk to her about her blog post and how 278 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:15,080 Speaker 1: she's doing today another late day for me, I'm sure. Dylan, 279 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:21,240 Speaker 1: Hi girl, Hi, how are you good? How are you? 280 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:30,840 Speaker 1: I'm good? Thank you, Dylan. You're beautiful, Kristen, I'm sweet. Hi. Um. 281 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,400 Speaker 1: First of all, how old are you now? So I'm seventeen. 282 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,920 Speaker 1: I gotta tell you there's an injustice in the world. 283 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:41,640 Speaker 1: Are you ready? When I was seventeen, I didn't look 284 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,200 Speaker 1: like you. We all had a mandatory ugly phase. We 285 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,560 Speaker 1: all had to go through it. And your generation doesn't 286 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,600 Speaker 1: have that anymore. It's absolutely you all just go from 287 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 1: cute to stunning. Oh my god, you're both are so sweet. 288 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,160 Speaker 1: I was like so nervous getting ready to got my 289 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,040 Speaker 1: hair done this morning. I was like, I did my makeup. 290 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,880 Speaker 1: I was like, I'm like on the phone with my grandma, Like, 291 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,920 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I'm so nervous, Like I want to 292 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,080 Speaker 1: look really good, like I want to look put together, 293 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:09,600 Speaker 1: like I didn't do that. I think that's fairly honest. 294 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:14,760 Speaker 1: Well you have. You look amazing and um, we're so 295 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,160 Speaker 1: happy to have you on the podcast. Um. We saw 296 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:22,080 Speaker 1: your blog post about coming on the show and we're 297 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:25,399 Speaker 1: just really happy to have you on here and UM again, 298 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:30,160 Speaker 1: as a she's seventeen year old, I mean to be um, 299 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: to have walked what you've already walked, and to be 300 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:35,600 Speaker 1: so vulnerable and sharing, like I just want to, like, 301 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,000 Speaker 1: first of all, like affirm you and just say thank you, 302 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:42,159 Speaker 1: like for for having um the heart and the and 303 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 1: the you know, and and I think to like you, 304 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,399 Speaker 1: you probably want to help other people with with your words, 305 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:52,160 Speaker 1: and I think that's a beautiful thing. Totally. Yeah, that's 306 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:56,640 Speaker 1: that's really why I set out to start this blog 307 00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:01,080 Speaker 1: and to write about my story because where where I 308 00:18:01,119 --> 00:18:03,080 Speaker 1: come from, I live in New Jersey, and I'm also 309 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,280 Speaker 1: young with a teenager. I've never really I never really 310 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:10,120 Speaker 1: met someone who had been through something like this before, 311 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,480 Speaker 1: and so I often felt really lonely, like I had 312 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:17,000 Speaker 1: my mother and my sister, and I'm a twin, so 313 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,800 Speaker 1: my sister and I are very much like we see 314 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:24,479 Speaker 1: a lot of things similarly, some things differently. UM, But really, 315 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 1: I I was like, I have met nobody who's ever, 316 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,520 Speaker 1: you know, had these type of experiences, and I'm like, 317 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 1: I don't want other people who, unfortunately in the future, 318 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:43,160 Speaker 1: may go through something like this to feel like they 319 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:48,000 Speaker 1: didn't have anybody to help them out and to guide 320 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,120 Speaker 1: them and to show them, you know what, A lot 321 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:53,480 Speaker 1: of days are really really difficult, and a lot of 322 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:57,400 Speaker 1: days are really hard, but not every day is super difficult, 323 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:00,919 Speaker 1: and not every day is super hard. Like I'm oftentimes 324 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:05,040 Speaker 1: a very happy kid. I feel very blessed in my life. 325 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,240 Speaker 1: I'm very lucky to live where I live and to 326 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:14,240 Speaker 1: be given such amazing opportunities. Um, I have my dream job. 327 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:18,880 Speaker 1: I teach kids martial arts. Like I I really do 328 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:24,040 Speaker 1: often feel very grateful for my life. But then there 329 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:27,439 Speaker 1: are you know, things that have happened and things that 330 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,960 Speaker 1: I wish didn't happen. Um, but yeah, that's why I said, 331 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,720 Speaker 1: you know what, daih, you gotta start this, you gotta 332 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,760 Speaker 1: write this, you can do this. And and here I 333 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,600 Speaker 1: am today fell in at seventeen the words too that 334 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,080 Speaker 1: she's speaking, and I'm like this, are you gonna be 335 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:46,520 Speaker 1: running an empire gon a ceo of like I mean, 336 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:50,000 Speaker 1: my god, planning your own helicopter on top of your skyscraper. 337 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:54,520 Speaker 1: I'm here for it, Lancz. I mean, I guess let's 338 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:58,280 Speaker 1: go back to um, to that time you were fourteen, 339 00:19:58,359 --> 00:20:02,600 Speaker 1: when your father committed suicide. Um, where where were you? 340 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:06,879 Speaker 1: Where was Um? Yeah, just kind of like set that 341 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:12,040 Speaker 1: scene for us. Yes, So he died on a Tuesday. 342 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:17,200 Speaker 1: He died on October twenty nine, twenty nineteen, And it 343 00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:20,919 Speaker 1: kind of started off as any regular day. He Um. 344 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 1: He drove my sister and I to school, and we 345 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,960 Speaker 1: were listening to music and we were laughing, just kind 346 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:32,639 Speaker 1: of what we normally did, and it was just a 347 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:37,400 Speaker 1: normal car ride. And then he told us he loved us, 348 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:41,600 Speaker 1: and we told him we loved him back. And that 349 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:45,440 Speaker 1: was the last time my sister or me would ever 350 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,680 Speaker 1: see him, and I'm fairly certain it was the last 351 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:54,399 Speaker 1: time my mother would ever see him. Um. Right after school, UM, 352 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,719 Speaker 1: my sister Alex and I had a tennis lesson, so 353 00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:01,240 Speaker 1: we went straight from school to tennis, where we played 354 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,280 Speaker 1: in a two hour clinic. And everybody in my family 355 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:08,359 Speaker 1: plays tennis. My dad was like a ridiculous golfer tennis player, 356 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:12,280 Speaker 1: and um, and I played really well that day, Like 357 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:15,280 Speaker 1: anyone who plays tennis knows that sometimes you have really 358 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,520 Speaker 1: good days and sometimes you have some not good days 359 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:22,840 Speaker 1: on the court. But I felt like I just played amazing, 360 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 1: like I had scored like several points on like the 361 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,119 Speaker 1: best kid in our clinic. I felt like at the 362 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,320 Speaker 1: top of the world. I mean, it didn't really matter, 363 00:21:31,359 --> 00:21:34,280 Speaker 1: but I was like, oh my gosh, like he's the 364 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,080 Speaker 1: best kid and I can keep up with him. And 365 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:41,040 Speaker 1: the first person I wanted to tell after my lesson 366 00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:43,480 Speaker 1: was my dad. I'm like, he's gonna be so proud 367 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,000 Speaker 1: of me, and he's gonna give me a high five 368 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,680 Speaker 1: and hug and and I got home that day. I 369 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:55,000 Speaker 1: got home that night and nobody knew where he was. 370 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,720 Speaker 1: Mother's looking for him. I'm looking for him, I think 371 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:03,359 Speaker 1: I it. It was like called out his name, Lynned 372 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:04,840 Speaker 1: and answer. I was like, Okay, he's probably in a 373 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:08,280 Speaker 1: work call. He worked from home. So I go to 374 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,160 Speaker 1: my room, My sister goes to her room. And then 375 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,679 Speaker 1: about ten minutes after we got home, I hear my 376 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:17,680 Speaker 1: mother screaming to leave the house and sorry, I take 377 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,919 Speaker 1: my sister. And it was raining outside. It was a 378 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:24,040 Speaker 1: gross night in New Jersey, and we went to our 379 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:27,080 Speaker 1: neighbor's house where we were there for two hours. Was 380 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:30,359 Speaker 1: zero knowledge of what was going on. What did you 381 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:33,240 Speaker 1: just say, What's happening in that moment? Like what is 382 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,639 Speaker 1: your fourteen year old brain think? Like you're you're no 383 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:39,800 Speaker 1: questions asked, You're just leaving. I thought that there was 384 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 1: something wrong with my dog. I don't think I processed, 385 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:48,119 Speaker 1: and like I thought that it could be my dad, 386 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,119 Speaker 1: like I thought. I don't know why I thought this, 387 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,000 Speaker 1: but um, my cousin has epilepsy and I'm super close 388 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,320 Speaker 1: with my cousin, so I'm like, maybe it's brody. And 389 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,479 Speaker 1: my mom's got a call from my aunt. Like I 390 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 1: really had no idea. I mean, we're walking slate at night. 391 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:08,359 Speaker 1: My sister's crying, trying to comfort her. I'm like, Lex, 392 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,359 Speaker 1: it's okay, Like it's gonna be all right, Like Mom's 393 00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:13,399 Speaker 1: gonna text us and we'll be home in a half 394 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,879 Speaker 1: hour and then we could do our homework and eat dinner, 395 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,959 Speaker 1: like everything's gonna be fine. Um. We go to our 396 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,440 Speaker 1: neighbor's house and we were there for like I said, 397 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:25,280 Speaker 1: we were there for two hours. I think we watched 398 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:29,320 Speaker 1: like six episodes of Friends. He Um, he was super sweet. 399 00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:31,440 Speaker 1: He's like, we can order in pizza, we can order 400 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,280 Speaker 1: in dinner. My sister and I are like no, no, no, 401 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,000 Speaker 1: Like we don't want to intrude like, we're probably not 402 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,359 Speaker 1: gonna be here for that long and we're just gonna 403 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,760 Speaker 1: leave this guy with like it's like a full pizza pie. 404 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:47,119 Speaker 1: Like we're like, like, it's fine. Um. And maybe like 405 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:50,560 Speaker 1: an hour and a half into into it, my sister 406 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,160 Speaker 1: looks at me and goes still, I think I should 407 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:57,800 Speaker 1: text Dad, like what's going on? And I said to her. 408 00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,480 Speaker 1: I was like, I was like, no, Lex, I think 409 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:03,280 Speaker 1: you should wait for him. And in hindsight, I'm so 410 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:07,119 Speaker 1: happy that I did that because it's the last text 411 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,000 Speaker 1: my sister sent to my dad was Oh my gosh, Dad, 412 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:14,080 Speaker 1: what's happening? And he responded, I feel like that would 413 00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:17,600 Speaker 1: have been so haunting for my sister, and and so 414 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,600 Speaker 1: I was like, just waight um. About two hours later, 415 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,560 Speaker 1: my uncle comes and picks us up, and I'm so confused, Like, 416 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,479 Speaker 1: like I said, my cousins was like five minutes from 417 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,920 Speaker 1: my house, and I'm like, why is my uncle picking me? 418 00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:33,320 Speaker 1: Like that's that's so strange to drive me a few 419 00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:37,800 Speaker 1: houses down. But I had never seen him look so sad, 420 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:43,639 Speaker 1: and he was quiet the whole thirty seconds. And we 421 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:48,160 Speaker 1: get in the house. The door was unlocked, and both 422 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,760 Speaker 1: my sister and I walked into the kitchen and we 423 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:55,760 Speaker 1: see family members surrounding our kitchen table. We have like 424 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,159 Speaker 1: a like an oval table or like a circle table, 425 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,280 Speaker 1: and a bunch like my uncle, my other uncle was there, 426 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:06,600 Speaker 1: my aunts were there, my family friend was there, and 427 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:10,080 Speaker 1: they all look so sad, and I'm like, like, what's 428 00:25:10,119 --> 00:25:15,119 Speaker 1: going on? So my mom sits us down and she 429 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,720 Speaker 1: calls to her sister. She's like, Steph, can you come 430 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,280 Speaker 1: with me? My aunt nods, and then the two of 431 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:25,280 Speaker 1: them take my sister and I on upstairs and they 432 00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:29,560 Speaker 1: sit us down on the floor, and I want to say. 433 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,960 Speaker 1: My mom gave like a speech like guys, it's gonna 434 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,480 Speaker 1: be okay, We're gonna get through this. We're gonna stick together. 435 00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:46,160 Speaker 1: And she said Daddy took his own life tonight, which 436 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:53,199 Speaker 1: was the most shocking thing I had ever heard I 437 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:58,120 Speaker 1: And I remember I didn't process that it was my 438 00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,280 Speaker 1: dad because my like, I's up calling my dad daddy 439 00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:05,960 Speaker 1: like years before, and my mom didn't call him daddy. 440 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,240 Speaker 1: He was just dad or my father whatever. And I 441 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:13,960 Speaker 1: remember being like, wait, like my dad like my father, 442 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,520 Speaker 1: and she nods, and then I just turned to my 443 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:21,359 Speaker 1: aunt and I'm like screaming in her arms like no, 444 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:25,399 Speaker 1: like over and over and over again, like because I 445 00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:29,920 Speaker 1: never thought that anything like this could have ever happened 446 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,200 Speaker 1: to me. I mean I thought that this was stuff 447 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:35,320 Speaker 1: that just happened in the movies, Like it wasn't gonna 448 00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:39,760 Speaker 1: happen to my family. Like we we were fine, Like 449 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:43,000 Speaker 1: we were you know, your I don't want to say, 450 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:47,199 Speaker 1: like your picture perfect family, because every family has problems 451 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:51,880 Speaker 1: and issues, but you know, like in terms of what 452 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:56,160 Speaker 1: we looked like to maybe the outside worlds, like my parents, 453 00:26:56,480 --> 00:27:01,159 Speaker 1: um had been married for maybe like sixteen years, fifteen 454 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,840 Speaker 1: sixteen years at that point, Like my sister and I 455 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:07,080 Speaker 1: were happy kids. You know, we had a lot of friends. 456 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,919 Speaker 1: My mom knows everybody, my dad knew everybody. Like we 457 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:15,000 Speaker 1: just looked like you're kind of normal, average family. And 458 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:20,159 Speaker 1: so later that night, I go in the shower and 459 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,720 Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm like sobbing, like my eyes out, like 460 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:26,280 Speaker 1: I'm so in shock, and I'm like like I I 461 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,960 Speaker 1: say this to people, and I say this to my blog. 462 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:31,600 Speaker 1: Like before he died, I felt like I was almost 463 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:36,040 Speaker 1: standing on top of a mountain, like I had everything 464 00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:42,040 Speaker 1: anybody could ever dream of, friends, family, my dream job. Um, 465 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:45,840 Speaker 1: I lived a beautiful life, and then when he died, 466 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:49,040 Speaker 1: I almost felt that mountain kind of crumbled beneath me, 467 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:53,119 Speaker 1: like everything I had ever thought or pictured, like like 468 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:57,280 Speaker 1: future with him was just gone. And so I cry 469 00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:00,040 Speaker 1: in the shower and there's people in and out of 470 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:03,720 Speaker 1: my home when I get out of the shower, and 471 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,359 Speaker 1: I'm like, I really want to listen to music. Because 472 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,919 Speaker 1: my father and I loved country music. It was ours 473 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:13,400 Speaker 1: thing together. We love to go to concerts, we love 474 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:17,240 Speaker 1: to play it in the car, and his favorite songs 475 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:21,080 Speaker 1: I go back by Kenny Chestney, and so I remember 476 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:25,520 Speaker 1: turning it on and like crying to it and like 477 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:32,119 Speaker 1: singing it and just feeling so broken and in shock 478 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:38,320 Speaker 1: that this is what had happened to me. So yes, 479 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:41,480 Speaker 1: so that was That was Next month will be three 480 00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:48,680 Speaker 1: years jelling mhm, you are just an incredible human being. 481 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:52,720 Speaker 1: Like I have no words for how you articulate. No, 482 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:56,640 Speaker 1: it's how you articulate, how you can identify your emotions, 483 00:28:56,680 --> 00:29:00,720 Speaker 1: the bravery and the courage you have. I mean, it's 484 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,600 Speaker 1: it's really I don't think you'll ever quite understand until 485 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:08,520 Speaker 1: you're a bit older, how phenomenal you really are. I mean, 486 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:11,480 Speaker 1: truly this is a really, this is a that's a day. 487 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:14,840 Speaker 1: October twenty nine is the day that turns your life 488 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:19,920 Speaker 1: around and it shape it's it's day one of a 489 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:24,960 Speaker 1: completely new life. Yeah, I mean I echo everything you 490 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:26,600 Speaker 1: just said. I mean, I'm just sitting here like just 491 00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:31,960 Speaker 1: the grace that you carry even just like talking about 492 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:35,000 Speaker 1: it and then you know what you're doing with it now, 493 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:40,240 Speaker 1: And I think, you know, I wonder like, did did 494 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:43,600 Speaker 1: you ever? What was the hardest thing? Was it? Not? 495 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:50,680 Speaker 1: Like knowing why? Yeah? For me, like I kind of 496 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,400 Speaker 1: thought that something was off a few days before he died. 497 00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:58,440 Speaker 1: My father was a very colorful person with a very 498 00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:02,840 Speaker 1: big personality. And I say these people all the time. 499 00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:05,680 Speaker 1: When I talked about my dad, I'm like, he either 500 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:08,400 Speaker 1: loved you or he hated you. He was like a 501 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:12,040 Speaker 1: very like black and white type of type of person. 502 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:18,000 Speaker 1: But he was like the funniest person I had ever met, 503 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:20,800 Speaker 1: and like he wasn't like it wasn't like dad jokes, 504 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,840 Speaker 1: like the type of jokes that you probably shouldn't share. 505 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:28,400 Speaker 1: You're like teenage kids are like your young kids. But 506 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:32,000 Speaker 1: he just really didn't care. And I noticed that he 507 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:37,040 Speaker 1: kind of wasn't himself and I just kind of equated 508 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:39,520 Speaker 1: it to like his lack of sleep, because he had 509 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,680 Speaker 1: gone home from like Hilton Head a few days before 510 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:45,160 Speaker 1: and he was a terrible sleeper. So I'm like, oh, 511 00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:50,800 Speaker 1: Dad's probably just tired. But I didn't think anything of it. 512 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:55,080 Speaker 1: But that kind of falls under like the what if 513 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:59,040 Speaker 1: category that I think a lot of people who grieve 514 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,400 Speaker 1: kind of get trapped under, like what if I did this, 515 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:05,000 Speaker 1: if I said this, and there's and I hope you 516 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,560 Speaker 1: know now that there's nothing, because I mean, you know, 517 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:10,560 Speaker 1: very different scenario, but like in things that have happened 518 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:12,120 Speaker 1: in my life, I'm sure christ and yours too, where 519 00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:15,240 Speaker 1: it's like, oh what if you know, what if you know, 520 00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:17,680 Speaker 1: we didn't do this podcast and you know, we exposed 521 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:19,120 Speaker 1: to much of our path, like maybe we would have 522 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:24,040 Speaker 1: been able. It's like there's no matter what um you 523 00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:26,360 Speaker 1: could have done or you think you could have done differently, 524 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:30,080 Speaker 1: people are always going to make their own choices, regardless 525 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:33,600 Speaker 1: of what the other person does, you know, And mental 526 00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:37,640 Speaker 1: illness is just that, like your dad is obviously, as 527 00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:42,360 Speaker 1: you're saying, like battling for so long these you know, 528 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,520 Speaker 1: it's an it's an imbalance, that's the hardest part. This 529 00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:48,720 Speaker 1: isn't that selfish, He's not. You know, there's all those 530 00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:52,200 Speaker 1: things that go through. But you know, if you're low 531 00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 1: on vitamin D, you take vitamin D right. And if 532 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:59,479 Speaker 1: you're if you have something, if you're whatever, if you 533 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:02,440 Speaker 1: need more teena drink of protein jake, if you have 534 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:06,160 Speaker 1: a mental illness. I have these discussions recently with some 535 00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:09,920 Speaker 1: friends of mine that are not they're feeling shame overtaking 536 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:14,120 Speaker 1: medicine to manage anxiety or depression. And I've been on 537 00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:16,840 Speaker 1: both of those medicines at some points in my life, 538 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:20,040 Speaker 1: you know, and like still depend on it, some of 539 00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:23,959 Speaker 1: those medicines some of my life same some medication for 540 00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:30,400 Speaker 1: anxiety depression O D. And there's no shame. People should 541 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:37,960 Speaker 1: never ever feel shame for going on medication to help them. 542 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:46,680 Speaker 1: And sorry, just go fever. Your dad's fancy dad, and 543 00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:57,080 Speaker 1: Dad's like, I'm in this. Dad is bringing them. Any 544 00:32:57,160 --> 00:33:00,800 Speaker 1: moms out there at a controls moment, just now, oh 545 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:04,280 Speaker 1: my god, and your dad is showing up. I know 546 00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:08,440 Speaker 1: he's like he's like he's like, oh my gosh, let 547 00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:11,040 Speaker 1: me make my own presence and kind of crash a little. 548 00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:15,000 Speaker 1: Is that like his personality to do that. Yeah, I 549 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:18,000 Speaker 1: thought there was a joke start to the very end. 550 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:22,480 Speaker 1: He he definitely did that to kind of like kind 551 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:24,920 Speaker 1: of be funny and like show off. Well he just 552 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:42,200 Speaker 1: did it. Dad, Welcome to the interview, Dad Dylan. Tell me, 553 00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:45,360 Speaker 1: can you tell me, like would you if I'll say 554 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:47,360 Speaker 1: one word because I don't want to make it too difficult, 555 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,560 Speaker 1: but give me like one word to describe your dad, 556 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:53,600 Speaker 1: like how you see your dad now post death and 557 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,960 Speaker 1: grieving the person that he is to you but was 558 00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,920 Speaker 1: to you. What's one word you would used to describe 559 00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:07,000 Speaker 1: in um, I would say one word to describe You 560 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:08,520 Speaker 1: can pick more words. I just didn't want to make 561 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:12,040 Speaker 1: you have to like Yes, it's like as a writer, 562 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:14,040 Speaker 1: I like have like a million words in my heaving 563 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:16,800 Speaker 1: all the time. But I would say, like the word 564 00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:21,200 Speaker 1: to describe my father that I think kind of goes 565 00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:27,000 Speaker 1: before he passed after and is hardworking like my father 566 00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:31,120 Speaker 1: before he died, like he ran his own business, and 567 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:32,880 Speaker 1: my mother was like to stay at home mom, and 568 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:37,040 Speaker 1: she always like my mother drove my sister and I 569 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:40,160 Speaker 1: at all these places and made sure that my sister 570 00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:42,959 Speaker 1: and I like got everywhere we needed to be on time, 571 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,960 Speaker 1: but my father was up in his office like like 572 00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:51,560 Speaker 1: making the money and and working. And then I also 573 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:56,200 Speaker 1: think even after he died, he was hard working because 574 00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,680 Speaker 1: I know now that I didn't know then that it 575 00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:06,920 Speaker 1: takes a lot of It takes a lot to continue 576 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:10,360 Speaker 1: to keep going when you really don't want to hold 577 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 1: on anymore, and it takes a lot of hard work 578 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:18,440 Speaker 1: to continue moving forward. But I also think, you know, 579 00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:23,000 Speaker 1: he didn't come to this decision lately, and even though 580 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:25,840 Speaker 1: we don't have these conversations, and we can't ever have 581 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:30,799 Speaker 1: these conversations, like I know for a fact that this 582 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:36,680 Speaker 1: was his last and final straw um. So I would 583 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:41,840 Speaker 1: say for me, my father was just like I see 584 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:44,600 Speaker 1: what you know he went through with his work and 585 00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:47,799 Speaker 1: being a business owner, and and I see kind of 586 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:51,279 Speaker 1: the toll it took on him. But no matter what, 587 00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:54,719 Speaker 1: he's still he just wanted my family to have the 588 00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:58,400 Speaker 1: best life possible. Like he didn't grow up with that 589 00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:01,080 Speaker 1: much money, my mother didn't grow up that much money. Like, 590 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:04,239 Speaker 1: but he wanted my sister and I to live and 591 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:07,480 Speaker 1: my mother too, But he wanted us to live a 592 00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:11,440 Speaker 1: life of comfort. And I think that's the biggest word, 593 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:14,719 Speaker 1: Like I could say he's funny, I could say he's athletic, 594 00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:18,880 Speaker 1: and all those things are true. But I think for me, 595 00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,239 Speaker 1: when I talk about my father, I like to dig 596 00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:28,120 Speaker 1: deeper into kind of like like the surface level things. Um. 597 00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:30,839 Speaker 1: You said in your post um. One of the things 598 00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:33,840 Speaker 1: is you have every right to blame the person for 599 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:37,400 Speaker 1: dying by suicide, and anyone who tells you otherwise is naive. 600 00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:42,240 Speaker 1: You want to touch on that a little bit, sure, 601 00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:47,520 Speaker 1: So when my father passed, I was really agree. I 602 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,920 Speaker 1: didn't understand how he could do this to my family. 603 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:54,840 Speaker 1: I didn't understand how he could put us like his 604 00:36:56,120 --> 00:37:00,160 Speaker 1: passing broke me into a million in one different pie 605 00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:06,080 Speaker 1: says like I had never felt as broken as I did, 606 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:11,600 Speaker 1: and and so I would blame him, and I would 607 00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:15,799 Speaker 1: get angry because I was so hurt and felt so 608 00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:21,560 Speaker 1: abandoned by him. So I wrote that because I wanted 609 00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:26,000 Speaker 1: people who have lost a loved one to suicide to 610 00:37:26,120 --> 00:37:33,480 Speaker 1: not feel ashamed for being angry or for blaming the person. 611 00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:37,880 Speaker 1: Like these are in my eyes, very normal reactions and 612 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:42,600 Speaker 1: very normal emotions. But I think sometimes people like people 613 00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:44,960 Speaker 1: who have never been through something like that can kind 614 00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:46,799 Speaker 1: of look at it and be like, well, you can't 615 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:50,360 Speaker 1: blame the person because they were fighting battles or but 616 00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:53,799 Speaker 1: they were in pain and they were hurt and and 617 00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:58,120 Speaker 1: they just wanted to be at peace. And that's true. 618 00:37:58,520 --> 00:38:02,480 Speaker 1: But it's also like if you've been through it directly, 619 00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:07,160 Speaker 1: then you know that so many emotions come from that. 620 00:38:07,239 --> 00:38:10,759 Speaker 1: And I didn't want people to kind of look at 621 00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:14,560 Speaker 1: themselves in the mirror and go, well, I shouldn't feel this, 622 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:19,120 Speaker 1: this isn't okay, this isn't this isn't right. I should 623 00:38:19,719 --> 00:38:22,160 Speaker 1: be happy that there are a piece. I should be 624 00:38:22,239 --> 00:38:26,440 Speaker 1: happy that they're no longer suffering. So that's why I 625 00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:30,640 Speaker 1: wrote it, so I could almost validate, like it's okay 626 00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:35,000 Speaker 1: to be angry, It's okay, yeah, And there's so many 627 00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:37,560 Speaker 1: unfin there's so many conversations that you don't get to have. 628 00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:41,680 Speaker 1: My dad passed away last July, and it was quick 629 00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:45,520 Speaker 1: and not unexpected. But I didn't I didn't have this 630 00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:47,919 Speaker 1: hospice moment that I thought I'd always have my whole 631 00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:50,320 Speaker 1: life where I could like have this face to face. 632 00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:54,080 Speaker 1: And I've learned something that I've called heaven reckoning, which 633 00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:57,120 Speaker 1: is just this, like the conversations you have in the 634 00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,759 Speaker 1: processes you go through without that person, and sometimes I 635 00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:02,759 Speaker 1: just will for me. I guess I just felt like 636 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:05,640 Speaker 1: there just has to be a reason. It's only a 637 00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:08,040 Speaker 1: one sided conversation. Maybe you wouldn't be able to hear 638 00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:12,080 Speaker 1: or understand or comprehend or you know, digest what I 639 00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:15,239 Speaker 1: had to say. But the heaven reckoning conversations are still 640 00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:20,040 Speaker 1: really hard and very unfair, and they're still anger totally. 641 00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:25,480 Speaker 1: I mean, your dad left a tremendous legacy by leaving 642 00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:30,400 Speaker 1: you with us, like he has contributed a massive amount 643 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:32,959 Speaker 1: to the world just by having you. And there's two 644 00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:38,120 Speaker 1: of you because there's a sister. When um, you also 645 00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:40,920 Speaker 1: wrote to I said, UM, which, gosh, there's so many 646 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:42,600 Speaker 1: things where like grief is like the ocean. There's so 647 00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:44,799 Speaker 1: many parts that undiscovered. And that's so true, Like things 648 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:48,040 Speaker 1: come up and you know they're different pieces and parts 649 00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:50,759 Speaker 1: and times. UM, And I think an, I think too. 650 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,319 Speaker 1: I'm curious that you say some wounds just don't heal 651 00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:57,520 Speaker 1: and they never will. And I'm curious, like where you're 652 00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:01,640 Speaker 1: at with then, like what do you see healing? Like? Um, 653 00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:06,480 Speaker 1: Like how do you deal with Yes, the wound is 654 00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:08,680 Speaker 1: there and it might not ever fully hear heal, it's 655 00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:12,719 Speaker 1: going to be um there forever. But like, how do 656 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:18,520 Speaker 1: you kind of go okay to not um to to 657 00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:20,719 Speaker 1: protect the wound and to keep like and to keep 658 00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:24,319 Speaker 1: going and not just um yeah, to keep to keep 659 00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:30,239 Speaker 1: moving forward. So when I wrote that wounds don't heal, 660 00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:33,160 Speaker 1: I kind of played that off as like like I 661 00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:36,160 Speaker 1: feel like everyone knows the saying, like like time heals 662 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:40,440 Speaker 1: all time heals all wounds, and I don't look at 663 00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:44,239 Speaker 1: that it's true. And because I'm like even still, like 664 00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:48,200 Speaker 1: three years later, like I'm not as sad all the 665 00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:52,240 Speaker 1: time or I'm not as you know, hurt all the time, 666 00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:56,279 Speaker 1: but I'm still like even a few days ago, I 667 00:40:56,320 --> 00:41:00,560 Speaker 1: was doing some writing or college because that's what I 668 00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:03,800 Speaker 1: feel like my whole life is like right now is college. Um. 669 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:06,640 Speaker 1: And I was listening to like music, and I just 670 00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:11,880 Speaker 1: kind of stopped in my tracks and just started falling 671 00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:14,439 Speaker 1: my eyes out, Like I'm sitting in my bed. It's 672 00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:19,319 Speaker 1: like one am, and I'm just crying because I'm like, 673 00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:23,000 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, like he's been gone for three years, 674 00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:27,319 Speaker 1: like he's missed out on so much good that has 675 00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:32,719 Speaker 1: happened in my life, Like he's missed out on so much, 676 00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:41,680 Speaker 1: but I don't like um. But even though he's missed 677 00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:44,440 Speaker 1: out on so much and there's time we could have 678 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:49,200 Speaker 1: had together that we can never get back, I choose 679 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:52,040 Speaker 1: to move forward with two memories that I already have 680 00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:55,560 Speaker 1: with him and the blessings that I already got to 681 00:41:56,400 --> 00:41:59,520 Speaker 1: you know, share with him. Like my father and I 682 00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:02,160 Speaker 1: were very very close. Like I said, he worked from home, 683 00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:05,800 Speaker 1: didn't really travel for work. He would travel to like 684 00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:09,560 Speaker 1: hang with like his girlfriends, um, but he was always around. 685 00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:13,000 Speaker 1: Like something that I always love is that my family 686 00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:16,120 Speaker 1: at dinner with each other around the dinner table pretty 687 00:42:16,239 --> 00:42:19,200 Speaker 1: much five days a week. My mother would cook or 688 00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:22,680 Speaker 1: we would order in, but we always, no doubt eight 689 00:42:22,719 --> 00:42:29,120 Speaker 1: dinner as a family. And so I choose to you know, 690 00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:32,279 Speaker 1: kind of move forward by saying, you know what, like, 691 00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:37,360 Speaker 1: even though fourteen years isn't enough and I should have 692 00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:43,080 Speaker 1: gotten more time, the time that I did have he 693 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:48,400 Speaker 1: is good, Like we had really good moments together, and 694 00:42:48,520 --> 00:42:52,480 Speaker 1: I choose to hold on to those really tightly because 695 00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:56,680 Speaker 1: they're they're mine. They don't belong to anybody else. They 696 00:42:56,680 --> 00:43:00,439 Speaker 1: are my memories to hold close and to hold dear, 697 00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:04,239 Speaker 1: and nobody could take them away. And nobody can tarnish 698 00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:07,480 Speaker 1: them or kind of like pick them apart and then 699 00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:11,320 Speaker 1: put them back together their own kind of way. So 700 00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:13,440 Speaker 1: so I choose to say, you know what, I'm lucky, 701 00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:16,000 Speaker 1: and now you get to, you know, maybe one day, 702 00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:18,920 Speaker 1: you know, when you have kids, you get to honor 703 00:43:19,719 --> 00:43:22,200 Speaker 1: the memories by having making sure you guys do family 704 00:43:22,200 --> 00:43:25,640 Speaker 1: dinners every night and and honoring something that he loved 705 00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:41,120 Speaker 1: and enjoyed too. And I think that's that's beautiful. What 706 00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:43,640 Speaker 1: would you say to the kids out there that are 707 00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:47,919 Speaker 1: dealing with um, you know, a family member that has 708 00:43:48,200 --> 00:43:50,799 Speaker 1: died of suicide or a friend, because I know there's 709 00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:55,240 Speaker 1: just I can't even like the kids this young getting 710 00:43:55,280 --> 00:43:57,120 Speaker 1: younger brother day and that's just like breaking my heart. 711 00:43:57,160 --> 00:44:00,399 Speaker 1: But yeah, what would you say to them that are 712 00:44:00,600 --> 00:44:05,480 Speaker 1: they're going through it in this moment? I would say 713 00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:12,040 Speaker 1: something that I used to hate hearing, which might sound weird, 714 00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:17,799 Speaker 1: but I got so many like texts and messages from 715 00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:20,840 Speaker 1: people saying it will be okay at the beginning, and 716 00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:23,960 Speaker 1: it was like the worst thing. I felt like someone 717 00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,000 Speaker 1: could say to me, like, what do you mean it's 718 00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:30,120 Speaker 1: going to be okay? Like my father's dead, Like I'm 719 00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:36,200 Speaker 1: a I'm a fourteen year old girl living with one parent, 720 00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:39,560 Speaker 1: like Father's Day, like everybody gets to hang out with 721 00:44:39,600 --> 00:44:42,960 Speaker 1: their dad, and I'm going to a cemetery and I 722 00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:44,880 Speaker 1: was like, I was like, it's not gonna be okay. 723 00:44:44,960 --> 00:44:47,840 Speaker 1: How could it ever be okay again? But as I 724 00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:53,760 Speaker 1: got older, and as I got wiveser and had more experiences, 725 00:44:53,800 --> 00:44:58,360 Speaker 1: like I've fallen into depression and i have anxiety, and 726 00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:05,319 Speaker 1: I've experienced panic attacks, but I'm okay now and I've 727 00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:08,000 Speaker 1: been able to kind of pull myself out of some 728 00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:12,720 Speaker 1: really dark places. So to those kids who have lost 729 00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:18,719 Speaker 1: a parent or a sibling or a best friend, I 730 00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:22,239 Speaker 1: would say it's gonna be okay. It might not be 731 00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:26,240 Speaker 1: okay right now, and it might not be okay two weeks, 732 00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:31,160 Speaker 1: two months, two years, but at some point you're going 733 00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:33,799 Speaker 1: to wake up in the morning and you're not gonna 734 00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:36,040 Speaker 1: want to get back into your bed right after you 735 00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:40,280 Speaker 1: get out. You're not going to want to crawl into 736 00:45:40,360 --> 00:45:42,759 Speaker 1: like a hole and be alone. I'm not going to 737 00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:48,560 Speaker 1: cancel on plans with friends, like you will find yourself 738 00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:53,680 Speaker 1: doing things that you didn't think you would do again, 739 00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:57,520 Speaker 1: Like frankly, for me, like I didn't think after my 740 00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,719 Speaker 1: father passed it, I would ever laugh again. I didn't 741 00:46:00,719 --> 00:46:04,560 Speaker 1: and I would ever laugh smile. I was like, my 742 00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:07,680 Speaker 1: father was the funniest person I know, and I loved 743 00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:11,439 Speaker 1: him and he loved me. I'm never gonna smile because 744 00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:14,759 Speaker 1: nothing is ever gonna make me happy ever again, because 745 00:46:14,800 --> 00:46:19,440 Speaker 1: I'm too sad, I'm too angry and to her, too broken, 746 00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:24,759 Speaker 1: never gonna be happy. And and that wasn't true. Like 747 00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:28,799 Speaker 1: there have been so much good that has happened in 748 00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:32,759 Speaker 1: my life that has made me smile and that has 749 00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:36,359 Speaker 1: made me happy. Like my job, for instance, makes me 750 00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:40,839 Speaker 1: so happy. Like working with my my karate students is 751 00:46:41,200 --> 00:46:44,000 Speaker 1: probably one of the biggest joys of my life because 752 00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,759 Speaker 1: I've worked later today. Because my kids are so like 753 00:46:48,080 --> 00:46:53,440 Speaker 1: they see the world so like, so uniquely, and they 754 00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:57,719 Speaker 1: all like they're so funny and so like, and there's 755 00:46:57,840 --> 00:47:02,560 Speaker 1: always uh entry canning story to bring home, like to 756 00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:04,919 Speaker 1: my mom and my sister, there's always like a kid 757 00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:09,080 Speaker 1: always says something funny or does something funny. Even I 758 00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:11,880 Speaker 1: mean the other day I almost like, I like tripped 759 00:47:11,920 --> 00:47:13,840 Speaker 1: over something and my kids are like looking at me 760 00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:18,480 Speaker 1: and like I'm like, you guys, didn't see that, And 761 00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:21,759 Speaker 1: they're like they're like laughing and smiling, and I was 762 00:47:21,840 --> 00:47:26,359 Speaker 1: laughing and smiling too, Like I, like I said at 763 00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:30,760 Speaker 1: the beginning, I'm a naturally happy kid. Like I'm someone 764 00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:34,640 Speaker 1: who who smiles. I have like when I'm around people 765 00:47:34,680 --> 00:47:38,520 Speaker 1: that I'm comfortable with, like I'm goofy and I'm silly 766 00:47:38,719 --> 00:47:41,919 Speaker 1: like and I try. I try and make jokes like 767 00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:44,600 Speaker 1: whenever I can. And I don't consider myself to be 768 00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:48,319 Speaker 1: the funniest person by any means of no comedian, but 769 00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:50,920 Speaker 1: I think that like I'll be the doctor's appointment and 770 00:47:50,960 --> 00:47:54,279 Speaker 1: I'll try and make the doctor laugh. Or I'll be 771 00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:56,480 Speaker 1: at school and I'll try and make my teacher laugh. 772 00:47:56,600 --> 00:47:58,879 Speaker 1: I'll try and make my friends laugh, and then I'll 773 00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:02,680 Speaker 1: laugh long with them. So and like I said, those 774 00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:05,600 Speaker 1: are things that I just thought we're gone. I thought 775 00:48:05,640 --> 00:48:09,120 Speaker 1: when he died, he passed. He took my happiness, he 776 00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:12,400 Speaker 1: took my smile, and he brought him with him to 777 00:48:12,440 --> 00:48:15,920 Speaker 1: heaven and that was it. It's not true, No, And 778 00:48:16,040 --> 00:48:18,520 Speaker 1: he lives within you. You know, Dylan, what was your 779 00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:22,759 Speaker 1: dad's name. His name is Eric. Eric. I'm glad Eric 780 00:48:22,800 --> 00:48:26,400 Speaker 1: gave us to you. Yeah, you're a special person. You 781 00:48:26,480 --> 00:48:30,040 Speaker 1: are wise beyond your years. You're beautiful and He is 782 00:48:30,200 --> 00:48:33,960 Speaker 1: shining through you. The best parts of him live within you. 783 00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:38,600 Speaker 1: Thank you. Where can our listeners find you so that 784 00:48:38,640 --> 00:48:41,960 Speaker 1: they can read everything that you write and your words 785 00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:46,760 Speaker 1: and fall along with your journey. Yes, so my blog 786 00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:49,080 Speaker 1: is titled we Got This. You could just kind of 787 00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:51,040 Speaker 1: type it into like your U R L and I 788 00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:54,000 Speaker 1: should be the first thing that pops up. I have 789 00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:59,080 Speaker 1: an Instagram titled we Got This. Blog was like an 790 00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:01,440 Speaker 1: underscore they can they can follow me on there. I'm 791 00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:06,600 Speaker 1: always posting quotes or back the latest post that you 792 00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:09,960 Speaker 1: know I just uploaded. Um, so you looked me up 793 00:49:10,040 --> 00:49:13,560 Speaker 1: on you know Google. It's weird that people can like 794 00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:16,319 Speaker 1: Google like my work. I didn't think like and think 795 00:49:16,360 --> 00:49:18,640 Speaker 1: that can ever happen to me. There's goodness, girl, there 796 00:49:18,719 --> 00:49:21,520 Speaker 1: is goodness and all of that. You know, there's and 797 00:49:21,719 --> 00:49:24,879 Speaker 1: and you found it. So um, thank you so much 798 00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:29,799 Speaker 1: for coming on wind out. This is just stunning. Thank you. 799 00:49:29,920 --> 00:49:33,840 Speaker 1: This is like one of the best, you know, opportunities 800 00:49:33,920 --> 00:49:36,600 Speaker 1: I've ever been given. Like, I mean, I've been listening 801 00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:39,160 Speaker 1: to music for years. I wrote in my post that 802 00:49:39,640 --> 00:49:42,239 Speaker 1: you know, my dad introduced me to your music, like 803 00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:44,400 Speaker 1: years ago. We were on the golf course and he's like, 804 00:49:44,440 --> 00:49:46,319 Speaker 1: I have a really good song for you. I was 805 00:49:46,360 --> 00:49:48,239 Speaker 1: I was like, okay, what is it. He's like, you 806 00:49:48,280 --> 00:49:50,360 Speaker 1: should this not I got the Boy by Janet Cramer. 807 00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:52,880 Speaker 1: So so I'm like okay. So I listened to it 808 00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:54,440 Speaker 1: and we're on the golf course, like this is a 809 00:49:54,480 --> 00:49:56,719 Speaker 1: good song. And then I went home and looked you 810 00:49:56,800 --> 00:49:59,080 Speaker 1: up on like Google and it was like watching music videos. 811 00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:04,239 Speaker 1: I'm so bad that we were able to connect. And 812 00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:07,239 Speaker 1: you're just keep shining, keep being the boss that you 813 00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:10,840 Speaker 1: are in the light that you are. Thank you, so 814 00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:13,200 Speaker 1: love you, Dylan. I'm gonna hug you someday real hard, 815 00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:17,840 Speaker 1: and I'm not letting you go. It's a warning. So 816 00:50:18,480 --> 00:50:29,080 Speaker 1: okay by Dylan. Bye bye, sister. How I am mean seventeen? 817 00:50:29,520 --> 00:50:33,840 Speaker 1: I mean just she doesn't even know how phenomenal she is. No, 818 00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:38,439 Speaker 1: I mean she's just she's just plugging along, I mean, 819 00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:43,600 Speaker 1: writing and helping and so so much grace too. I mean, 820 00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:47,399 Speaker 1: she's just she's incredible. Can I tell you that those 821 00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:50,239 Speaker 1: little Jersey accents get me a time. I would listen 822 00:50:50,239 --> 00:50:55,400 Speaker 1: to her talk all day. I mean, she's so she's beautiful. 823 00:50:56,360 --> 00:50:59,880 Speaker 1: She really is Um, I really don't have much. I 824 00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:02,120 Speaker 1: don't have yeah, No, I mean, I'm just I'm so 825 00:51:02,120 --> 00:51:03,640 Speaker 1: glad that she was able to come on the show. 826 00:51:03,640 --> 00:51:08,800 Speaker 1: And I can not even imagine fourteen, Like, gosh, what 827 00:51:09,000 --> 00:51:12,279 Speaker 1: a what an age too? I mean this, yeah, I 828 00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:17,360 Speaker 1: mean at any age that that I can't imagine, but 829 00:51:17,560 --> 00:51:21,799 Speaker 1: such a formative I mean that he teenage, so many 830 00:51:21,800 --> 00:51:24,160 Speaker 1: emotions already, and then to now you're so aware to 831 00:51:24,280 --> 00:51:26,800 Speaker 1: like my parents got divorced most thirteen, I knew everything 832 00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:28,640 Speaker 1: that was going on, and when you come home at 833 00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:30,600 Speaker 1: two in the morning was not right and not a 834 00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:33,080 Speaker 1: good thing. Yeah. And it's interesting because I feel like 835 00:51:33,120 --> 00:51:35,960 Speaker 1: at that age, what you don't know, well, you know everything, 836 00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:37,960 Speaker 1: but what you can't figure out you try to figure 837 00:51:38,000 --> 00:51:42,759 Speaker 1: out without asking. And what she's learned way beyond you 838 00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:45,040 Speaker 1: know earlier, I wish I would have learned. It's like 839 00:51:45,480 --> 00:51:47,879 Speaker 1: I took my dad leaving at two in the morning 840 00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:50,320 Speaker 1: and then leaving our family and going to the essentially 841 00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:53,920 Speaker 1: the mistress was m hmm. Then the worth that I 842 00:51:54,000 --> 00:51:56,080 Speaker 1: took with me like, Okay, I'm not worried worthy of 843 00:51:56,080 --> 00:51:59,360 Speaker 1: a man's love, and so then I then I start 844 00:51:59,400 --> 00:52:02,920 Speaker 1: attacked so like but she's like she's so beyond that, 845 00:52:03,320 --> 00:52:05,480 Speaker 1: beyond her years, like that they the work that she's 846 00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:09,719 Speaker 1: already done, and like the knowledge and the to be 847 00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:13,799 Speaker 1: able to go like it's you know, it's it's incredible. 848 00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:15,719 Speaker 1: I know. I was like, I would give to feel 849 00:52:15,760 --> 00:52:20,240 Speaker 1: that it's seventeen because I would have had three less marriages. 850 00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:23,320 Speaker 1: They all tell us something and one gave us two kids. 851 00:52:23,440 --> 00:52:28,600 Speaker 1: All right, don't diminish all those unions, screamer, You've done 852 00:52:28,640 --> 00:52:33,880 Speaker 1: hard work out there. Um Dylan, Okay, there were some 853 00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:36,560 Speaker 1: really good things, really good topics, and we kind of 854 00:52:36,560 --> 00:52:38,480 Speaker 1: went all over the board. But if this episode is 855 00:52:38,520 --> 00:52:40,960 Speaker 1: now going to run super long, so can we put 856 00:52:41,000 --> 00:52:43,480 Speaker 1: a pen? We can pen because I need to have 857 00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:46,359 Speaker 1: a minute to how to phrase things anyways. Okay, so 858 00:52:46,680 --> 00:52:49,799 Speaker 1: let's put it in our phone, not on send it. No, 859 00:52:49,920 --> 00:52:51,840 Speaker 1: I can't un send it because I haven't updated in 860 00:52:51,840 --> 00:52:55,040 Speaker 1: my iOS. But I won't unsend. I'll remember and I'll 861 00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:58,160 Speaker 1: just frame it. Okay for next episode, Yes, for next 862 00:52:58,200 --> 00:53:01,160 Speaker 1: week's Okay, stay tuned. I'm so said bring the popcorn 863 00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:12,200 Speaker 1: by y'all. Bye. Mm hm