Speaker 1: The pursuit of happiness is a solo sport.
Speaker 2: Dead Ass. I like that one.
Speaker 3: It's extreme too, if you think about it, it's so
Speaker 3: extreme sport. And Baby, the minute I am broke free
Speaker 3: of the shackles of being concerned about what everybody else thoughts, happiness,
Speaker 3: baby just came bubbling nowhere.
Speaker 1: Dead ass, dead asss Hey.
Speaker 2: I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 2: Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therpy.
Speaker 1: Wait. I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 4: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 4: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 4: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 4: the truth, the whole truth.
Speaker 1: And I think about the truth. We about to take
Speaker 1: Billows off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take y'all back to.
Speaker 4: Two thousand and way back in to time ity Tenkay,
Speaker 4: And it's the crazy part when I talk about happiness
Speaker 4: in this has nothing to do with relationships particularly, but
Speaker 4: we're gonna talk about how it affects relationships.
Speaker 1: But twenty ten, I just came back.
Speaker 4: Kadeen and I were trying to figure out what was
Speaker 4: gonna be the next steps. We knew we wanted to
Speaker 4: get back to where were financially in the NFL, but
Speaker 4: we didn't know exactly how to start. And I remember
Speaker 4: I was starting to build my sports performance business and
Speaker 4: I was at poly Prep working. I trained a young
Speaker 4: man named Dave Frederick. Shout out to Dave, went on
Speaker 4: to Wagner played offensive line for them Division one school.
Speaker 1: It'stat alland shout out, what's up, Dave.
Speaker 4: But after I trained Dave, Dave had given my brother
Speaker 4: and I we changed him for two months and afterwards
Speaker 4: he gave us one hundred dollars each and a bottle
Speaker 4: of wine.
Speaker 1: I was like wow, like like a light bulb went off.
Speaker 4: It was like it was like, Dang, I can actually
Speaker 4: get paid because of my expertise. And I actually saw
Speaker 4: his transformation. You know, he lost some weight, he got faster, bigger, stronger.
Speaker 4: I said, I could teach athletes how to get an
Speaker 4: elite shape. They can be like like Dave's like the prototype,
Speaker 4: oh elite prototype athletics.
Speaker 2: That light bulb moment.
Speaker 1: So we're in Brooklyn, We're at poly Prep.
Speaker 4: Poly Prep is one of the most expensive schools for
Speaker 4: day schools in the in the country, all let alone Brooklyn,
Speaker 4: and I started to tell people what I wanted to do.
Speaker 4: And every time I told someone what my plan was,
Speaker 4: they were just like, I can't see it working.
Speaker 1: And I was like, whatch me.
Speaker 4: So they started giving me all of these reasons as
Speaker 4: to why I would work. First, they was like, okay,
Speaker 4: you got one person to pay who is at poly Prep.
Speaker 4: That person is at poly Preps. Money has money. I said, okay,
Speaker 4: I could make it work in inner cities. Yeah, but
Speaker 4: if you make it too cheap, you'll never make any money.
Speaker 4: I'm like, dang, that's true.
Speaker 3: Right then there was we don't really have any athletes
Speaker 3: that come out of New York like that that do anything.
Speaker 4: Remember all of that. Yep, nobody's gonna pay for that.
Speaker 4: Nobody cares enough. Poly Prep it's a different thing. So
Speaker 4: I said, what if I get a gym and I
Speaker 4: can charge more because I have a space and they're
Speaker 4: not training in the park.
Speaker 1: Oh, training in a gym is too expensive. You won't
Speaker 1: be able to do this, you won't be able to
Speaker 1: do that. Blah blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 4: So for about a year, I listened to everybody else,
Speaker 4: and I was traveling around the city.
Speaker 1: I spoke at in Brooklyn, the Bronx Queen, I spoke
Speaker 1: in Long Island, spoken Stanton Island, spoken Jersey, just trying
Speaker 1: to get some kids to join the program.
Speaker 4: And I listened to what everyone was saying. I set
Speaker 4: my price point based on what everyone else told me.
Speaker 4: I set my location based on what everyone else telling me,
Speaker 4: and I also set my plan for marketing based on
Speaker 4: everyone else telling me.
Speaker 1: And you know what happened. It flopped. It flopped. We
Speaker 1: went around.
Speaker 4: My brother and I spoke for eight weeks, going all
Speaker 4: these different locations and engaging in all these different conversations
Speaker 4: with people, and we only had three kids sign up
Speaker 4: to this camp in that summertime. Two of them were
Speaker 4: family members. So at that point I was about to quit.
Speaker 4: I was like, man, this will never work. But then
Speaker 4: I said, you know what, Deville, how about you just
Speaker 4: go back to what you thought you were going to
Speaker 4: do in the very beginning, like not doing a version
Speaker 4: of what everyone else wanted to give me. Why don't
Speaker 4: you do your own version? And I did, and ten
Speaker 4: years later Elite Prototype Athletics was a fully fledged business
Speaker 4: in Brooklyn that serviced the community but also was then
Speaker 4: able to generate enough money where I could buy my
Speaker 4: own gym and branch out and doing a lot more
Speaker 4: philanthropy work. So the moral of the story is stop
Speaker 4: listening to niggas okay.
Speaker 2: Who have not done what you're trying to do.
Speaker 4: Fact, and I'm explaining how this relates to happiness when
Speaker 4: we return.
Speaker 2: Oh, the trickle down effect.
Speaker 1: So I actually have a different song, different type of song.
Speaker 3: Right, you were very excited about this karaoke song. I
Speaker 3: want to hear what it is because you think about
Speaker 3: a lot of songs that deal with happiness, right, because
Speaker 3: I'm happy.
Speaker 1: But I think we've done that before.
Speaker 3: Well, the thing is, that's a great song, But you
Speaker 3: don't just get to be happy, right, No, you don't
Speaker 3: just get the struggle of it getting to the happy.
Speaker 4: So, speaking of the pursuit of happiness, this song is
Speaker 4: a score let me see if you know it ready.
Speaker 5: It is giving a beyonces and take it to the
Speaker 5: mom you just so I know you just saw beyones, sweetie.
Speaker 2: Also, everything is beyond.
Speaker 4: You don't remember the scene, okay, so I'll paint the
Speaker 4: picture for you. There's a gate, there's a gate. There's
Speaker 4: a basketball. There's a basketball in the bag. A kid
Speaker 4: is holding a basketball in the bag.
Speaker 1: He gotta fro Jaden Smith.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, all right, clicking but gag.
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, don't ever let nobody tell you can't do so.
Speaker 1: It's dream. Gotta protect it.
Speaker 2: Oh, you're right.
Speaker 1: You see something, Go get it?
Speaker 2: Period, brother will, brother will, brother will?
Speaker 1: What happiness? Now that it makes sense, it makes sense different.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was more the score of the music,
Speaker 3: not the song song. That's sure, as he wasn't on
Speaker 3: the soundtrack, so I don't believe.
Speaker 1: No, it's a score, but I'm pretty sure it's a
Speaker 1: song that's attached to a song for sure in the soundtrack.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 3: But it was very impactful. Yeah, and yeah, makes.
Speaker 1: Sense that that scene in that movie meant a.
Speaker 2: Lot to the scenes in that movie.
Speaker 4: Yeah, when you say that, I realized, like then there
Speaker 4: was another scene but that scene in particular because it
Speaker 4: was like he was talking to his son, but he
Speaker 4: was talking to himself.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: It's trying to get himself to believe it right, right.
Speaker 4: He was talking to himself out loud so his son
Speaker 4: could hear it, but it was just almost like yeah,
Speaker 4: And he also realized how he was projecting all the
Speaker 4: stuff he could do on his son.
Speaker 3: And do you well, I want to say favorite scene,
Speaker 3: but the most emotional for me was which one them
Speaker 3: in the in the bathroom when he sleep there with
Speaker 3: his son.
Speaker 4: But yo, that's that's let's take a break. I want
Speaker 4: to go back to that scene. Let's let's take a break.
Speaker 4: I want to go back to because this is actually dope.
Speaker 4: It's actually dope. All Right, we're gonna take a break,
Speaker 4: pay some bills, come back, and we're gonna discuss everything
Speaker 4: we're talking today.
Speaker 1: Perfect, Okay, we're back.
Speaker 2: We're back, all right.
Speaker 4: And I really wanted to talk about this movie, but
Speaker 4: also I wanted to talk about how this movie and
Speaker 4: well not just this movie, but the ideas that this
Speaker 4: movie portrayed kind of reflect exactly what it was that
Speaker 4: created what you and I have and how we can
Speaker 4: project this onto as many people as possible. Right happiness Right,
Speaker 4: happiness for a lot of people isn't how they feel.
Speaker 4: Happiness for a lot of people, is everybody else telling
Speaker 4: them that they've reached a place of happiness, you know
Speaker 4: what I'm saying. So, for example, in a relationship, I know,
Speaker 4: I don't know if guys do this as often as girls.
Speaker 1: But I know women do this. Right.
Speaker 4: They meet a guy, they're happy with the guy, then
Speaker 4: they ask their friends what they.
Speaker 2: Think about the guy all the time.
Speaker 4: Right, And then if their friends don't approve of the guy,
Speaker 4: now they no longer liked the guy that they were
Speaker 4: excited about because they didn't get the approval from their friends, right.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Men often don't do it
Speaker 1: as much.
Speaker 4: I don't want to say that, because you know, we
Speaker 4: always seek approval for our friends too. But it's like
Speaker 4: if I like Shorty, I like Shorty, Like you can
Speaker 4: say what you want, but I like Shorty. You know
Speaker 4: what I'm saying. I feel like for us it's a
Speaker 4: little bit different. But that's not even the whole point.
Speaker 4: That's a completely different discussion. The point is is that
Speaker 4: other people can take your happiness away when you seek
Speaker 4: their approval for the things that you already feel happy about.
Speaker 1: And that's the sickness.
Speaker 2: I can see that.
Speaker 4: And the scene you talked about before we went to
Speaker 4: break was when Will was in the train and I'm
Speaker 4: gonna show you how powerful this scene is.
Speaker 1: He's in the train.
Speaker 3: Station, and prior to this, they had gotten kicked out
Speaker 3: of a couple of the homes that they didn't make
Speaker 3: the time frame that they were supposed to get there
Speaker 3: to get a bed.
Speaker 2: So this was like nowhere to go, literally nowhere to go.
Speaker 4: It was him and his son. They had the little
Speaker 4: thing that he was calling a time machine, and his
Speaker 4: son looked distraught. So he knew that the only way
Speaker 4: he could get his son to go along with what
Speaker 4: he was doing was to make it a game. So
Speaker 4: he was like, oh my gosh, this is a time
Speaker 4: machine and we want to be in the caves and
Speaker 4: the dinosaurs, and he started to talk to his son's
Speaker 4: imagination until he watched a smile come over his son's
Speaker 4: face and his son became happy. Then they went into
Speaker 4: the bathroom. He closed the door. May act like the
Speaker 4: bathroom was the cave in his heart. He was crying,
Speaker 4: and then we watched him cry as he was scared,
Speaker 4: but his son was calm and happy because his dad
Speaker 4: told him he should be happy.
Speaker 1: But that, to me is the power of projection, but
Speaker 1: also the power of.
Speaker 4: Learning not to let other people project their ideas on you.
Speaker 4: As a child, It's okay if my dad told me
Speaker 4: I should be happy and everything's going to be fine.
Speaker 1: As a child, you're like.
Speaker 2: Cool to say.
Speaker 3: That's a difference like a child, And that's the beauty
Speaker 3: of being a child, right, the beauty of just knowing, like, oh,
Speaker 3: I'm going to go with the flow, and I really
Speaker 3: got anything to worry about that in a sense alone, Man,
Speaker 3: you know how many times I wanted to just backtrack,
Speaker 3: just go back to that moment.
Speaker 2: You have no worries.
Speaker 3: But we can even see it with our children right
Speaker 3: how we approach anything. For example, Jackson's first debate competition, right,
Speaker 3: first debate competition, the Valot had an opportunity to.
Speaker 2: Go away that weekend. We both said absolutely not.
Speaker 3: I was being honored at an event that I was
Speaker 3: supposed to be accepting the award at. Could not attend
Speaker 3: because why we absolutely had to be there in that
Speaker 3: moment and It was for me in part because I
Speaker 3: knew that I needed to make sure that he was
Speaker 3: going to be okay with this being his first debate competition,
Speaker 3: and instead of me projecting the nervousness or the doubt
Speaker 3: that I may have had in that moment on him,
Speaker 3: we took a totally different round, and we do. There
Speaker 3: was so many different things when it comes to our children,
Speaker 3: but just showing the excitement around it and empowering him
Speaker 3: and showing him how to prepare for it, it really
Speaker 3: just changed the whole tie absolutely for him. So as
Speaker 3: a child and a parent, or at least within this relationship,
Speaker 3: I think we've become more I think at this point
Speaker 3: now we understand that the kids really feed off of
Speaker 3: every little bit of energy, and that they see us
Speaker 3: happy in a moment or think that we should be
Speaker 3: happy as we approach something that could be scary, They're
Speaker 3: bought in it, really bought in absolutely.
Speaker 4: I mean that's a great point because you and I
Speaker 4: have learned over the last year and a half how
Speaker 4: to change what we project onto our children. Right because
Speaker 4: we were talking about the pursuit of happiness. But that
Speaker 4: scene with him on the basketball court, he shot the
Speaker 4: ball and said I'm going to the NBA.
Speaker 1: And then his dad was just.
Speaker 4: Like, you know, you're a little bit tall at an
Speaker 4: average high you know, not really athletic. I wasn't really athlete,
Speaker 4: so you may play high school at best. And then
Speaker 4: you watch his son put the ball into his bag,
Speaker 4: and that's what made him realize, like, you know what,
Speaker 4: that was messed up, that I just did that right
Speaker 4: to my son. But that lesson and the lesson in
Speaker 4: the train station and what you just mentioned about Jackson
Speaker 4: is really what I want to touch on today. Right,
Speaker 4: we have two responsibilities of people, right in the pursuit
Speaker 4: of happiness. The pursuit of happiness is not only to
Speaker 4: find your own happiness, but also not deter other people from.
Speaker 1: Finding their their happiness.
Speaker 4: Yes, right, And that's really what I wanted to touch on,
Speaker 4: which is why I chose that song and we chose
Speaker 4: this movie. Because people think you only have one responsibility.
Speaker 4: And in this world today, we've all become extremely selfish. Right,
Speaker 4: It's all about me, me, me, me, I I self care,
Speaker 4: self care, which is very important, you know, but they've
Speaker 4: turned mental health into a selfish thing almost, you know, right,
Speaker 4: A lot of the narrative now is I got to
Speaker 4: take care of me and screw everybody else. But I
Speaker 4: want to challenge that because we have two responsibilities as people.
Speaker 4: We don't share this world with ourselves. We share this
Speaker 4: world with a bunch of other people. So I think
Speaker 4: we all have to learn the power in seeking other
Speaker 4: people's approval but also unnecessarily projecting our perceptions of life
Speaker 4: onto other people because of what that can do for
Speaker 4: their happiness.
Speaker 3: I also think self care, too, is sometimes not even
Speaker 3: just a scapegoat per se, but it's just making sure
Speaker 3: that you are taking care of yourself so that for
Speaker 3: so that you can be of service to other people
Speaker 3: that were it matters right, right, So taking care of
Speaker 3: yourself so you can be of service to your family
Speaker 3: or to your children, or to your career if that's
Speaker 3: what you so choose. I just think that waters get
Speaker 3: a little bit muddy when people use self care or
Speaker 3: use mental health as a way to just make an
Speaker 3: excuse or to bow out a situation where someone may
Speaker 3: be depending on them or they may have, you know,
Speaker 3: as a particular role that requires them to act in
Speaker 3: a certain way or to perform in a certain way,
Speaker 3: and then the scapegoat becomes oh, not mental health, oh
Speaker 3: self care.
Speaker 2: You know, so it could be tricky.
Speaker 4: I feel you people need to really look at what
Speaker 4: qualified as a mental health emergency and what is just
Speaker 4: like I don't feel like doing it, you know what
Speaker 4: I'm saying. But realistically, in the pursuit of happiness, you
Speaker 4: should do what you want to do unless it puts
Speaker 4: other people to at is a detriment if your actions
Speaker 4: are a detriment to other people. And that's really what
Speaker 4: what I want to focus on, Like why do we
Speaker 4: as people always seek affirmation from everybody else for stuff
Speaker 4: that we are going to be responsible for in our lives,
Speaker 4: And that's relationships, career, children. You know, people ask me
Speaker 4: all the time like how are you so comfortable sharing
Speaker 4: your life? Like how are you so comfortable sharing? You're
Speaker 4: not concerned about what people say? You're not concerned And
Speaker 4: I learned this through football. Right, people are entitled to
Speaker 4: have their opinions about what you do and who you
Speaker 4: are they are. Everyone is entitled to think what they
Speaker 4: want to think, but you, as an individual, are also
Speaker 4: entitled to block out the ideas and opinions of others. Right,
Speaker 4: We don't share because we are seeking affirmation. I don't
Speaker 4: put something on the Internet hoping that everyone agrees with
Speaker 4: what I do. I'm just sharing what I do as
Speaker 4: a testimony, as a possibility for someone else to do
Speaker 4: the same thing if they choose to.
Speaker 1: If you choose to walk in the same life as
Speaker 1: I do.
Speaker 4: Say you want to be monogamous, you want to be married,
Speaker 4: you want to have kids, you want to get into
Speaker 4: TV film.
Speaker 1: Here's an option of how I did it. That's all
Speaker 1: it is.
Speaker 4: I'm not sharing my life for people to confirm that
Speaker 4: my life is great or horrible. And I think oftentimes
Speaker 4: because of social media, that's what their happiness has become.
Speaker 3: That's absolutely it. Someone recently, I forget what event I
Speaker 3: was at, and a young lady was making a post
Speaker 3: on her Instagram and she said, I don't know about
Speaker 3: this picture.
Speaker 2: I like it, but I'm not sure. But you know,
Speaker 2: I'm going to post it in this moment.
Speaker 3: I'll just turn the life off so that way I
Speaker 3: can't see how many people like it or not. And
Speaker 3: I was like, what was the purpose of that? And
Speaker 3: She's like, be cause it's gonna mess with me. It's
Speaker 3: just gonna fuck with my head. Like if I post
Speaker 3: it and I only get a couple thousand likes, then
Speaker 3: I'll probably just archive it or take it down. Wow,
Speaker 3: So I said, so you're strictly posting this just to
Speaker 3: see what other people will think of the photo, and
Speaker 3: because you don't feel confident enough in this photo.
Speaker 2: It's like a trial and everything. Let me just post
Speaker 2: it and see.
Speaker 3: Let me take the likes away from it for my
Speaker 3: quote unquote mental health, because if I look at it
Speaker 3: and there's not enough likes on it, then it confirms
Speaker 3: the fact that this was.
Speaker 2: Indeed not a good picture.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, Wow, that's the process that some people
Speaker 3: go through when it comes to just something which we
Speaker 3: think is as simple as posting on social media.
Speaker 2: But it's not that simple for some people.
Speaker 3: It really is and has become like the be all
Speaker 3: that ends all, and that barometer for people deciding what
Speaker 3: is good for them.
Speaker 2: And it's insane.
Speaker 4: It is insane, Like I'm glad you said. I'm glad
Speaker 4: you said insane because to me, that is literally the world.
Speaker 4: It's insanity. It is insanity for you to believe that
Speaker 4: if you put out a piece of art or something
Speaker 4: into the world and one hundred percent of people have
Speaker 4: to agree with the same thought process of what beauty
Speaker 4: is or what intellectuality is, if that's even a word.
Speaker 1: But the fact that you think that is insanity.
Speaker 4: Like there is never going to be a time where
Speaker 4: everyone agrees that something is right. You know, there are
Speaker 4: nuances throughout life, and I want to implore people to
Speaker 4: challenge the notion that everyone has to agree with what
Speaker 4: your life is for it to be great, because we
Speaker 4: don't write like if your life, for example, my life,
Speaker 4: for what I want it to be, is great because
Speaker 4: this is what I want out of my life for
Speaker 4: someone else in a different part of the world. Hell,
Speaker 4: even my next door neighbor could look at my life
Speaker 4: and say that's too much. I don't want a house
Speaker 4: that big. My other neighbor could be like, that's not enough,
Speaker 4: that house is too small. If I'm concerned about what
Speaker 4: they feel about my house, then I'm not in the
Speaker 4: pursuit of my own happiness.
Speaker 1: I'm in the pursuit of someone else's happy. You see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: Half the time, the pursuit of the happiness that others
Speaker 3: that you're in pursuit of. They don't even be happy neither,
Speaker 3: so they won't even know what makes them happy either.
Speaker 3: And it really clicked to me, and you helped me
Speaker 3: with this so much when we met and as we
Speaker 3: started dating and building together in our relationship and me
Speaker 3: just as an individual, I was raised to always seek
Speaker 3: confirmation and affirmation from outside sources. It could have been
Speaker 3: someone as simple as my mom. It could have been
Speaker 3: as simple as my grandmother. It could be simple as
Speaker 3: strangers who I have no dealing with, who have no
Speaker 3: impact on my life. It was always about how something
Speaker 3: looked to somebody else. Example, when you and I will
Speaker 3: plan the trip to go to Jamaica, it was spray
Speaker 3: break right the first time Devana and I were trying
Speaker 3: to go away on vacation together Spring break book the
Speaker 3: trip to Jamaica.
Speaker 2: You had never been. This was two thousand and maybe.
Speaker 1: Right in college.
Speaker 3: Super we were in college from break and his dad
Speaker 3: went ahead and booked I think maybe through his time
Speaker 3: share something this you know, resort for us to stay
Speaker 3: at for spring break week. Initially, I already knew what
Speaker 3: I was dealing with when it came to my mom
Speaker 3: and dad that I had to present this as some
Speaker 3: sort of group activity so that Deval could potentially get
Speaker 3: lost in the shuffle right, presented it as a group activity.
Speaker 1: The fact that we thought this was going to work
Speaker 1: is insanity too.
Speaker 3: For it's being nineteen years old, right, So I'm like, okay,
Speaker 3: if we're presented as a group activity, then we have
Speaker 3: more of a chance that my mom would be like,
Speaker 3: all right, Kaden will.
Speaker 2: Rule with the girls and the guys will room together. Right.
Speaker 4: Sure, I'm smile so hard if you're not watching on
Speaker 4: Patreon and you're listening, I'm smiling so hard right now
Speaker 4: because this was insanity to me that we actually thought
Speaker 4: it was.
Speaker 1: Gonna work, right, and it did.
Speaker 3: In my mind, I was like, like, yeah, it's a group.
Speaker 3: We're all going away to spring break. People were in college.
Speaker 3: That's what people do, they go on spring break trips.
Speaker 3: So then as the trip got closer, she's like, well,
Speaker 3: who's going Who's mom?
Speaker 2: Can I speak with such and such? As Mom?
Speaker 3: I'm like, we're still doing that, and I'm in college
Speaker 3: twenty years old.
Speaker 2: It's still doing that. So then I could vote pretty much.
Speaker 2: I could vote with smoke. Okay, yes, and my cigarettes.
Speaker 2: I don't smoke cigarettes either, but I'm just saying, you know.
Speaker 3: So, then it came down to the time where she
Speaker 3: wants to speak to all of these moms to be,
Speaker 3: you know, on the same page about what's transpiring. And
Speaker 3: that's when I had to say, well, mom, you know
Speaker 3: all these people backed out and it's just going to
Speaker 3: be me and de vou.
Speaker 4: The way you kind of broke it down is like
Speaker 4: he was, you know, so I finally had to come
Speaker 4: to it and tell the truth. No, you said, finally
Speaker 4: had to come do it and tell her. Everybody else
Speaker 4: back down. This is what we thought was gonna work the.
Speaker 2: Truth right in this moment.
Speaker 3: So clearly at this point, I'm like, oh, that was
Speaker 3: had already paid for this trip, like we can't have
Speaker 3: this man lose his money, Like how dare we? So
Speaker 3: I figured I was just letting her know that it
Speaker 3: was just going to be me in the vowel, and
Speaker 3: she was just like you go away with him some together?
Speaker 2: You and some why some? Why are we together?
Speaker 3: How exactly do you expect for me to tell your
Speaker 3: grandmother this? And what will your aunt say when you
Speaker 3: a girl of your caliber it's traveling overseas.
Speaker 1: This is why she said all of this.
Speaker 4: I was sitting right there and I was tapping k
Speaker 4: okay while we have this conversation with me right here now,
Speaker 4: with me, just do this right now.
Speaker 3: And I was like, first of all, it's not a why. Okay,
Speaker 3: this is the val my boyfriend who you know? Was
Speaker 3: this while you were still coming by the house?
Speaker 1: Did you say I was still coming by the house.
Speaker 4: It was after this whole thing is that I was like,
Speaker 4: I ain't coming by because after the whole comments and
Speaker 4: picture me Sharon Joseph, director of nurse and riverman I
Speaker 4: Care Center, she went down her whole occupation.
Speaker 3: It's her whole Imagine me telling people that my daughter
Speaker 3: is away with some wak break.
Speaker 4: Picture me, director of nursing riverman Caena telling the people
Speaker 4: I work with my daughter as away with some why
Speaker 4: and Jamica overseas for days at a time.
Speaker 1: It was like, how did we get here? How did
Speaker 1: we get here?
Speaker 2: Bruh?
Speaker 3: And it was simply that was the reasoning. Though that
Speaker 3: was the reasoning. It wasn't that, you know, guys, I
Speaker 3: think it's that little inappropriate. Y'all you know are underage.
Speaker 3: I don't think you should be going away together because
Speaker 3: of X y Z reasons, because of safety, none of that.
Speaker 3: It was strictly because what would people think or say
Speaker 3: about me and about her as a parent. And that
Speaker 3: is literally the microcosm situation of how I was raised
Speaker 3: to always be concerned with other people thought. And finally,
Speaker 3: once you and I started dating, and you just really
Speaker 3: showed me like, Okay, what exactly do you have to
Speaker 3: gain by being so overly concerned about what other people think?
Speaker 2: Who are these people? First off?
Speaker 3: What are they offering you in your life that should
Speaker 3: allow them to dictate the things that make you happy?
Speaker 3: And I really was like, you know what, bye, George.
Speaker 3: It clicked, It clicked, clicked.
Speaker 1: People ask all the time how did I get here? Right?
Speaker 1: Because even you asked you was like, how did you
Speaker 1: get to that point? You grew up the same way.
Speaker 4: I grew up in a Southern Baptist house where everything
Speaker 4: was about church and church folks and the clergy and
Speaker 4: what would this person think and that person think? Like
Speaker 4: it was so bad in my house growing up, I
Speaker 4: had braids. My mother would make me undo my braids
Speaker 4: every Saturday night because she felt like people would talk
Speaker 4: about me being a dog if I went to church
Speaker 4: on Sunday with braids, to church with my afro out.
Speaker 4: She'd rather me have an afro than wear braids because
Speaker 4: braids was associated with hoodlum activity.
Speaker 1: But afros wasn't. No, it was like the dumbest thing.
Speaker 2: So you just walking to church, which fists up and
Speaker 2: you know me, I'm just gonna play all the way in.
Speaker 1: I will black the whole time.
Speaker 4: Oh god, it was a funeral every Sunday I went
Speaker 4: to church and I'm proving the point, but sell you.
Speaker 4: But this is how I literally got to this point,
Speaker 4: like I'm not this great person with all of these
Speaker 4: ideas of how to solve happiness.
Speaker 1: You know what happened? Football happened. And the eye in
Speaker 1: the sky. You know what the eye and the sky is.
Speaker 1: Don't lie the iron. The sky is the camera.
Speaker 4: They film every practice, they film every game, and you
Speaker 4: get a chance to watch what it is that you do.
Speaker 1: And when you for years have.
Speaker 4: To watch what you do, but also watch what you
Speaker 4: think you did and then watch it on camera, you
Speaker 4: realize that your reality, your perception, is not the reality.
Speaker 4: So then you start to realize but wait a minute,
Speaker 4: if my perception is not the reality, that means all
Speaker 4: the other people's perceptions ain't the reality neither, So why
Speaker 4: am I listening to people who are going to have
Speaker 4: a slant view of what I do with my life.
Speaker 4: I'm the only one that can control what my life is.
Speaker 4: I can't rely on other people who have slanted perceptions
Speaker 4: of what my reality is to tell me what's gonna
Speaker 4: make me happy. Oh, tell me what's gonna work for me.
Speaker 4: That's why it works. With jobs and work with your kids.
Speaker 4: I can give you every idea. For example, when it
Speaker 4: comes to your kids. Oh, I wouldn't put my child
Speaker 4: in that school because my daughter did da da da
Speaker 4: da da da dah. So now, oh that didn't work
Speaker 4: for their daughter, it won't work for mine, right, Not true,
Speaker 4: Not true at all. I've seen so many different families
Speaker 4: and different walks of life have successful kids through Brooklyn.
Speaker 4: I have kids that went to Polyprep. I have kids
Speaker 4: that went to public school. I have kids that went
Speaker 4: to specialized high schools like Bronx Science in Brooklyn Tech.
Speaker 4: And they've all been successful in all these different walks
Speaker 4: of lives. But if you ask them during the time,
Speaker 4: what's the only way to be successful, it's what they
Speaker 4: did with their children and made that successful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you see what I'm saying.
Speaker 4: So watching that over years, first through football, But then
Speaker 4: watching how people interact with their kids, I realized, like, yo,
Speaker 4: you have to make a decision for yourself and learned
Speaker 4: how to navigate what your reality is instead of listening
Speaker 4: to other people. I've also watched other people with their
Speaker 4: kids try to follow other families and it not worked
Speaker 4: to work out.
Speaker 2: That's so true, it don't work out.
Speaker 3: Think about when we were signing Jackson up for his
Speaker 3: first year of school, so we were doing our due
Speaker 3: diligence as brand new parents. Right, there was such a process,
Speaker 3: particularly living in New York and Brooklyn with the school
Speaker 3: system right public schools were depending on where we were
Speaker 3: we were zoned and probably one of the worst public
Speaker 3: schools and Crown Rights. Then there were an interview, like
Speaker 3: a very rigorous interview process with us and with Jackson,
Speaker 3: and for private schools and the independent schools, then there's
Speaker 3: just like, oh, what's the right there's a test for him.
Speaker 2: It was almost a test for us.
Speaker 3: I feel like I felt like everything was was we
Speaker 3: were on a display. It's like they were touching us
Speaker 3: right you know where, and it became stressful for us,
Speaker 3: like wearing the right outfit at the time, and like
Speaker 3: not saying the saying the wrong thing, like was Jackson
Speaker 3: gonna have a good day where he was like on
Speaker 3: and you know, there were so many different things that
Speaker 3: went into that school process. And someone told us about
Speaker 3: a program I think it was called Early Steps, Early
Speaker 3: Steps where they were able to you go and it's
Speaker 3: pretty much all minority children.
Speaker 1: Early Steps for what it was.
Speaker 3: Yes, so devout aunt chiddy, shoutout town Chatty told us
Speaker 3: about Early Steps Steps and this is where pretty much
Speaker 3: all black children came to be in this pool of color.
Speaker 1: It wasn't all black children.
Speaker 2: True, but majority I would say majority.
Speaker 3: I say that because it was probably one of the
Speaker 3: few ways that black children could get into the schools,
Speaker 3: right private school, whether it be a scholarship or whether
Speaker 3: it being like they're taking only two to fill their
Speaker 3: diversity quota, whatever that looked like in the moment, which
Speaker 3: was another whole thing for another day.
Speaker 2: But this is what the process that we had to take.
Speaker 3: Whereas your cousin Cale was successful in it where she
Speaker 3: made it into the program, Jackson actually ended up making
Speaker 3: it into the Early Steps program and he was one
Speaker 3: of the children that they were now trying to sift
Speaker 3: into a independent school and he ended up being waitlisted
Speaker 3: for I think majority of the schools and never ended
Speaker 3: up getting in.
Speaker 4: Well, no, remember we he had got into Brooklyn Friends
Speaker 4: and they had sent us the bill.
Speaker 1: Remember we had got into Brooklyn Friends. Yes, and k
Speaker 1: calls me, Kate calls me, that's the right the email.
Speaker 1: The email came in for Brooklyn Friends.
Speaker 2: Which we loved too. At the time, we were like,
Speaker 2: this is the bombs.
Speaker 4: It wasn't far from us, yeah, and we were just like, okay. Well,
Speaker 4: she was just like okay, so it's gonna be three K.
Speaker 4: So I said, okay, three K over ten months, that's
Speaker 4: three hundred dollars a month.
Speaker 1: We can do this. She laughed, laugh she said, I said,
Speaker 1: I said, why are you laughed joking?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 1: She said, it's three K a month month, thirty thousand dollars.
Speaker 1: I said, for for brea K. What are you teaching
Speaker 1: my son?
Speaker 2: That's okay.
Speaker 3: There is nothing that they can guarantee me that this
Speaker 3: child will be or do at three years old for
Speaker 3: thirty k.
Speaker 1: In no way, there's just there's no way.
Speaker 2: And that was just like, you're absolutely right.
Speaker 4: And at the time, there were so many people around
Speaker 4: us telling us, if you want your child to have
Speaker 4: a good education, you got to go through this.
Speaker 1: You can't put them in a public school.
Speaker 2: The only way, it's.
Speaker 1: The only way.
Speaker 4: And we were just listening and we were stressed out,
Speaker 4: we were paying in and then Mayor Deblasio won and
Speaker 4: he announced UPK, which is universal pre K, which means
Speaker 4: that the city was going to pay for anyone going
Speaker 4: into pre K that year and they didn't have to
Speaker 4: go to a public school.
Speaker 1: They could go to private schools and get a stipend.
Speaker 4: Yes, So Jackson qualified, yes, and that's when we found
Speaker 4: the learning, the learning experience.
Speaker 3: They had a great time there and some teachers, and
Speaker 3: I was like, look at God, look at God.
Speaker 2: And we really did not have to pay a cent after.
Speaker 4: That, and we chose and you know what, we got
Speaker 4: some flack from people, not flack, but it was like,
Speaker 4: he got a chance to go to Brooklyn, friends, why
Speaker 4: don't you just find a way.
Speaker 1: And I said, it's not about finding a way.
Speaker 4: At the time, we couldn't afford thirty thousand dollars a
Speaker 4: year for private school that we just couldn't afford it.
Speaker 2: This wasn't a thing.
Speaker 3: And everybody who had opinions, I was like, do y'all
Speaker 3: want to put up a selection plate, go fund me.
Speaker 2: I don't know. We didn't have good fund at the time.
Speaker 1: We did not have trying to do this. Then you no, yeah,
Speaker 1: we didn't have the money option. But that's a great
Speaker 1: story you told, because think about it. If we were
Speaker 1: so focused on making other people happy, you know, we
Speaker 1: would have did we would have scraped top all our
Speaker 1: pennies and been spending our money for three thousand months.
Speaker 2: And struggling, struggling.
Speaker 4: Instead, we chose to use that money to invest in
Speaker 4: our future, and we sent them to TL and it's
Speaker 4: worked out very, very well.
Speaker 3: And then from TL they were able to between them
Speaker 3: and us, you know, really just working with him. He
Speaker 3: tested for the Gift of the Talented program, was in
Speaker 3: the ninety nine percentile and then that was a whole
Speaker 3: other mess where they put him in the school all
Speaker 3: the way in the.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was a Bronx, the number three, the number three,
Speaker 2: the number three school.
Speaker 3: In the city, which was amazing, But I'm like, how
Speaker 3: am I going to air lift him there?
Speaker 2: Every day?
Speaker 3: Like how exactly what was that going to get in
Speaker 3: New York traffic to and fro. They literally made it
Speaker 3: impossible for us to even be able to take him there,
Speaker 3: which ended up happening. And then I had to fight
Speaker 3: tooth and nail to get him in the Gifted Intelligent program.
Speaker 3: Well he tested for it, but getting into school that
Speaker 3: was in Brooklyn that was close enough for us and feasible.
Speaker 3: So I say that all to say, if we really
Speaker 3: think about what other people are going to think of
Speaker 3: the journey that we take with our children, with ourselves, bruh,
Speaker 3: it's an instant set up for failure.
Speaker 4: I got to give one more example and then we
Speaker 4: can take a break and do listening letters. I gave
Speaker 4: them an example with work, not listening to people, we
Speaker 4: were able to advance our careers because we followed our
Speaker 4: hearts in your relationship. This is how the pursuit of
Speaker 4: happiness will help you in your relationship and not seeking
Speaker 4: affirmation for someone else. I get this all the time.
Speaker 4: Listen to this scenario because I just got it with you. Okay,
Speaker 4: and yo, d what's up?
Speaker 1: Was good?
Speaker 4: I see Kadean went to Sweden and go see Beyonce?
Speaker 4: Yeah she went with girls? Yeah cool? How long would
Speaker 4: you let your wife stay away?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 4: She goes in the girl's trip and I'm like, what
Speaker 4: would you how long would you let your wife stay away?
Speaker 4: And then I remember when when dj Envy was talking
Speaker 4: about Gia had went away for three weeks and they
Speaker 4: had asked us when we were on the Breakfast Club
Speaker 4: Shout Out the Breakfast Club, shar God and dj Envy,
Speaker 4: they asked us, you know, like, you know, would you
Speaker 4: be upset if your wife went away for a girl
Speaker 4: shrip for three weeks? My first thought process was and
Speaker 4: DJMV literally had the same thought process though, but why
Speaker 4: would I care? How upset y'all get about what me
Speaker 4: and my wife decided on? But then it made me
Speaker 4: realize when people asked me though, how long would you
Speaker 4: because I see K went away, and I'm like, dude,
Speaker 4: why are you asking me what I think is okay
Speaker 4: for my wife?
Speaker 1: What do you think is okay for your wife? And
Speaker 1: what is your wife think it's okay for herself? That
Speaker 1: his questioning and their questioning is a couple to me,
Speaker 1: is the problem?
Speaker 2: Well, maybe he was trying to get some sort of
Speaker 2: confirmation for you, like see devour only let K go
Speaker 2: away for four days when you want to go away
Speaker 2: for a week.
Speaker 1: But that's the problem, And that's the problem.
Speaker 4: That's the problem is that you can't find happiness if
Speaker 4: you're trying to tailor make your relationship to other people's standards.
Speaker 6: If you we over me New York Times bestseller Me Baby,
Speaker 6: But but but seriously, though, it's like we as people
Speaker 6: consistently find happiness with our partner and then let other
Speaker 6: people talk us out of our own happiness.
Speaker 4: Yeah, doing that? Why would you let your Why would
Speaker 4: you let your girl do that? I would let my man.
Speaker 1: Same thing with you. Remember when we were younger in
Speaker 1: our relationship and I go to strip club with my
Speaker 1: friends like that, and you would get them comments like
Speaker 1: you still let him go to strip club. It's like, yo,
Speaker 1: you know, like if we found something that works.
Speaker 3: For us, the man, he is as an adult. He
Speaker 3: is an adult who can make a decision, an informed decision.
Speaker 3: I was informed. Am I supposed to have a problem
Speaker 3: with it? Then you'll be thinking that you're crazy. Sometimes
Speaker 3: if you don't have the problem with.
Speaker 1: You feel crazy.
Speaker 4: If you don't have a problem, but you like, I
Speaker 4: really don't have a problem, Like you're supposed to have
Speaker 4: a problem. Now they're disrupting your happiness, but you've let
Speaker 4: them disrupt your happiness by including them in a decision
Speaker 4: that you've already made.
Speaker 3: Bruh.
Speaker 2: Be careful of the people you have around you.
Speaker 3: I have another person recently got into a relationship, you know,
Speaker 3: was in the first maybe three four weeks of the relationship,
Speaker 3: you know, disclosed to me. You know, this is the
Speaker 3: person that I'm seeing now. Really like this person, awesome individual, like,
Speaker 3: you know, hours on the phone, like feel like I
Speaker 3: knew him for years type of things. So I'm like, oh,
Speaker 3: this is giving me a devo vibes. I'm like, girl,
Speaker 3: you know, maybe this is your husband, you know. So
Speaker 3: we're chit chatting and everything. End up going to an
Speaker 3: event where we see another friend. Well, this is a
Speaker 3: friend of hers at this point, this is not my friend.
Speaker 3: This is her friend. Now, okay, so you have to
Speaker 3: tell me about this guy. Her friend comes and she's like,
Speaker 3: don't mention. Don't mention the guy I told you about.
Speaker 3: And I was like, oh, okay, no problem. So the
Speaker 3: three of us are there, we're chit chatting, and she
Speaker 3: did not want to bring up this guy.
Speaker 2: And after the fact, I was just like, what was
Speaker 2: that about?
Speaker 3: And she was just like, just because I feel like
Speaker 3: you know, she's my friend, but I just feel like
Speaker 3: anytime I show that I'm like remotely happy about something,
Speaker 3: or you know, meet a guy, and then she starts
Speaker 3: to get weird or she tries to convince me why this.
Speaker 2: Is not a good idea.
Speaker 3: So I said, Oh, your single friend over here, that's
Speaker 3: been single for the past six years. You know, that's
Speaker 3: just been like trying to figure it out for the
Speaker 3: past whole life. Yes, that's who we're trying to compare
Speaker 3: notes with. Okay, gotcha, she said, But yeah, I just
Speaker 3: don't feel that energy anytime I seem like I'm excited
Speaker 3: about something.
Speaker 2: So I said, well, that means.
Speaker 3: That you need to rehash if this person is indeed
Speaker 3: a friend or is this person in their own competition
Speaker 3: with you? Like you can be in situations like that
Speaker 3: where you don't even realize that the people closest to
Speaker 3: you are deterring you from what could be one of
Speaker 3: the happiest moments or one of the happiest things to
Speaker 3: happen in your life because they are jealous, jealous, not
Speaker 3: happy exactly wish they were in that position to misery
Speaker 3: loves company.
Speaker 2: Oh baby, were gonna be single together forever?
Speaker 3: On some Golden Girls type shit like you know that
Speaker 3: is also a very big possibility too. So it was
Speaker 3: crazy in that moment because I'm just like, Wow, I'm like,
Speaker 3: this is supposed to be one of your good friends
Speaker 3: that you cannot even disclose this too because for fear
Speaker 3: that she will try to steal your happiness from you
Speaker 3: in that moment, So y'all be careful who you have
Speaker 3: around you.
Speaker 1: I feel you on that.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 4: Here's the thing, though, You're never going to know who
Speaker 4: that person is. Well, you will know at times and
Speaker 4: when you know you should separate them. I want people
Speaker 4: to realize that those people can give opinions you don't
Speaker 4: need to listen to.
Speaker 2: You don't, you don't, you don't, but you.
Speaker 1: Know what you need to listen to these ads is
Speaker 1: coming up next transition that I'm becoming the host of
Speaker 1: dead Ass podcast.
Speaker 2: You know, listen after eleven seasons.
Speaker 3: After eleven seasons, baby, I said, let me take you.
Speaker 3: You take your stab at it, all right, baby, I
Speaker 3: hate I'll be taking a lot of stab sure as
Speaker 3: no do that part. We'll be back, y'all.
Speaker 2: We'll be back.
Speaker 3: All right, y'all were back for listener letters. Let's get
Speaker 3: into them and see what y'all talking about today. You
Speaker 3: want to go first, baby, go ahead.
Speaker 4: First of all, I want to shout out my sister
Speaker 4: for putting me onto y'all's podcast. I knew devout from
Speaker 4: watching the team and sisters shout out. Yes, I hate
Speaker 4: just jumping in on the middle of things, so I
Speaker 4: had to take it all the way back to the
Speaker 4: beginning of the podcast.
Speaker 1: To catch up.
Speaker 4: Now, Oh dope, Can I just say that I love
Speaker 4: the show. How relatable you guys are and how you
Speaker 4: just how you guys just love on each other. Well,
Speaker 4: thank you so much. I've never met a married couple
Speaker 4: whose relationship resonated with mine until now. Me and my
Speaker 4: husband have been together since I was fifteen and he
Speaker 4: was seventeen. Oh that's a long time. So you know,
Speaker 4: we've had our fair share ups and downs. Now we're
Speaker 4: about to be thirty five and thirty seven, twenty eight.
Speaker 1: They like us, I'll say eight twenty years. We have
Speaker 1: three kids. Hey, will we be yelling that? And we
Speaker 1: just celebrated thirteen years of being married.
Speaker 2: In thirteen years and in July, so very similar. Okay.
Speaker 1: My husband is a great provider, protector and a great father.
Speaker 1: I also try my best to be a better wife
Speaker 1: and mom each day. Like Kadeen, I grew up in
Speaker 1: a household where things were swept under the rug, so
Speaker 1: I struggled with expressing myself and I had bad communication.
Speaker 1: Over the years, I have gotten much better about expressing
Speaker 1: my feelings and communicating my needs to my husband. He
Speaker 1: has done his best at meeting most of those needs,
Speaker 1: and I appreciate him and make sure to tell him
Speaker 1: and show him. But of course it's always a work
Speaker 1: in progress. So my question is how can I get
Speaker 1: my husband to be more romantic. He has his moments,
Speaker 1: but it's very rare that it happens. I always plan
Speaker 1: our date nights and getaways, birthdays and special events. I
Speaker 1: want to.
Speaker 4: Be the one that gets surprised. I am a very
Speaker 4: simple girl. I don't really care about materialistic things, nor
Speaker 4: do I care about extravagant things. It's the small things
Speaker 4: that count. One of the most special things that he
Speaker 4: has done for me in the twenty and was in
Speaker 4: twenty twenty when everything was shut down and my birthday
Speaker 4: came around. He woke me up early before any of
Speaker 4: our kids were awake. He had a hot bath of
Speaker 4: a hot bath full of rose petals ready for me
Speaker 4: to just show to just relaxing before getting my day started.
Speaker 1: Totally surprise me.
Speaker 4: How can I get more moments like these regularly and
Speaker 4: not just during a pandemic?
Speaker 2: Mmmm?
Speaker 3: Well, you as a guy being romantical, because you have
Speaker 3: a lot of romantical moments. Yes, it's cute, and I
Speaker 3: mean the romance doesn't necessarily look the way I expected
Speaker 3: to look all the time, but I do enjoy the
Speaker 3: moments that you do take the time to be thoughtful.
Speaker 2: I wonder if she's had the conversation with him about it.
Speaker 1: Moments don't look like what you be wanting.
Speaker 3: No, I'm just saying sometimes in our mind as women,
Speaker 3: you think about like fairy tales and all these things
Speaker 3: that we see as like romantic moments. But I've learned
Speaker 3: that you are romantic in your own way, and I
Speaker 3: love that because it's all the thought that counts.
Speaker 4: Oh, this is news to me because I thought I
Speaker 4: was doing exactly what you wanted.
Speaker 1: This is news to me, and we just opened up
Speaker 1: a new can of worm.
Speaker 3: No. I love those moments like something that was super
Speaker 3: romantic and it was kind of like at a difficult
Speaker 3: point in our life. But it stands out, it stands
Speaker 3: out as one of the more romantic things that you've done.
Speaker 1: And the romantic ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 3: It was when we lived in California, and remember Ian
Speaker 3: miscarried that baby that I was pregnant with in September
Speaker 3: twenty twenty and you weren't able to be there. I
Speaker 3: ended up coming to Georgia to see you for a
Speaker 3: little bit. That's actually when we found this house. And
Speaker 3: when I went back home, I got to deliver at
Speaker 3: the door and there were three large white, no, three
Speaker 3: large red bouquets of roses, and then one white to
Speaker 3: represent the.
Speaker 2: Baby and then the baby we lost. And that was
Speaker 2: just so romantic in that moment.
Speaker 3: I didn't never understand that's that's something I would have
Speaker 3: thought of to do like that to me in that
Speaker 3: moment wasn't a romantic thing per se, but it was
Speaker 3: romantic right because it was a moment that I wasn't
Speaker 3: expecting that that's what I meant romance.
Speaker 4: I was like, yeah, sometimes it doesn't look exactly like
Speaker 4: how I am envisioned it, but I accepted nonetheless, I'm
Speaker 4: just grateful.
Speaker 3: No, I'm just saying yeah, But as a guy. I know,
Speaker 3: sometimes it's harder for y'all to think about ways to
Speaker 3: be romantic. I know I struggle with that as a
Speaker 3: woman because I'm just like, oh, you see romance, Like,
Speaker 3: how do I how do I, you know, express romance
Speaker 3: to you? It's not necessarily the way I would want
Speaker 3: to receive it as a man.
Speaker 2: And a woman.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I mean it's definitely different.
Speaker 3: Des I did romances, crop tailed booty shorts, walk around
Speaker 3: the house, make me a sandwich, you know, pack my
Speaker 3: bond like that's.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you know that that's romance.
Speaker 3: And I've learned that I was not going to care
Speaker 3: about rose pedals.
Speaker 1: All over them. No no, no, no, he's.
Speaker 3: Not drop your ass on the floor and there we go.
Speaker 3: It's romantic. You gotta learn your partner.
Speaker 1: You know, well you just answered the question.
Speaker 4: Sorry no, no, no, no, I'm what you just said is
Speaker 4: the word learn your partner. And if you're a woman
Speaker 4: who loves a different level of romanticism, tell your partner
Speaker 4: what you like, and it's up to him to decide
Speaker 4: whether or not he wants to engage in that. And
Speaker 4: then it's up to you to decide whether or not
Speaker 4: you are willing to receive what he is giving you, like, ultimately,
Speaker 4: he just got to open your mouth.
Speaker 1: Of course, I like.
Speaker 2: That that's romantic to development.
Speaker 3: But she said that she's usually the one that plans
Speaker 3: all these things too, so he may just be a
Speaker 3: creature of habit at this point and say, oh, well, baby,
Speaker 3: you're normally the one that's planning all these special events
Speaker 3: and stuff like that, and you do it well, so
Speaker 3: you know, why not ruffle those feathers if everything is
Speaker 3: working out. But he may not even see or know
Speaker 3: that you're desiring a bit more.
Speaker 4: Well, I'll say something too to speak to them. Because
Speaker 4: they've been together since fifteen seventeen. He's never gone through
Speaker 4: the courting process as a fully fledged adult.
Speaker 2: That's true.
Speaker 4: He's been with her since he was a teenager, so
Speaker 4: he's never had to date.
Speaker 1: So how does he really know what to woo someone?
Speaker 1: Romantics look like, Yeah.
Speaker 4: He's never had to do it, So I would say
Speaker 4: tall to him, let him know exactly, because if y'all
Speaker 4: been together this long, he seems like the type of
Speaker 4: no that seems you said everything, all of your needs
Speaker 4: and wants he provides.
Speaker 3: Yes, he's got to protector prod o grandfather. Y'all seem
Speaker 3: to have a really healthy relationship. So yeah, tell me
Speaker 3: a little spicy, empower me to do something a little strange,
Speaker 3: change that kind of thing.
Speaker 1: And I think, y'all, you know this girl of freak,
Speaker 1: you have no idea she been talking about have.
Speaker 2: To be because, like I said, that's what romanticism looks like
Speaker 2: to you. So I gotta do what you think is
Speaker 2: romantic in these.
Speaker 1: That's another thing too.
Speaker 4: Don't let other people tell you your partners not being
Speaker 4: romantic because they don't agree with what their idea of
Speaker 4: happiness is.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 4: For example, we have always of being romantic, and then
Speaker 4: you'll hear other people like I ain't doing all of that.
Speaker 1: Anybody asked you to do all that?
Speaker 4: Right, and my pursuit of happiness, I'm asking Kay to
Speaker 4: do that same thing. Men, be like, I ain't doing
Speaker 4: all that for no girl the other night, and Kay then.
Speaker 1: Ask you to do didn't she asked me to do it?
Speaker 1: And if we're going to do.
Speaker 4: It, Yeah, pursuit of assiness.
Speaker 1: There you go, There you go period.
Speaker 2: All right, good luck to y'all.
Speaker 3: Hopefully that works out and Herbie finds ways to be
Speaker 3: more romantic.
Speaker 1: I guarantee you he will.
Speaker 2: I try this.
Speaker 3: I would really love that, you know, that'd be dope.
Speaker 3: All right, Hello King and Queen, I could really use
Speaker 3: your help while staying anonymous. And this is a long one.
Speaker 3: All right, girl or guy. Let's see. I'm at a
Speaker 3: crossroads and unsure what to do. My partner and I
Speaker 3: have been together for five years, living together for three.
Speaker 3: We have the typical trails trial. Sorry she said trails,
Speaker 3: but I think they made trials. We have the typical
Speaker 3: tru trials like every couple, but accomplishments cause conflicts. My
Speaker 3: parents and family lived two hours away, while her mother,
Speaker 3: her main and only considered family, lives in another state.
Speaker 3: Her mother moved a year ago or so, so she's
Speaker 3: now a travel nurse. Whenever there's a time to be
Speaker 3: happy or celebrate with family, she seems to support me
Speaker 3: until it's time to be around my family. She never
Speaker 3: wants to come with me or wants to speak to
Speaker 3: me while I'm away. She tries to make me feel
Speaker 3: guilty about telling me how sad and lonely she is.
Speaker 3: I try to have her either see if her mom
Speaker 3: could come with us, we go to her, or she
Speaker 3: goes on her own. Of course, there's always an excuse
Speaker 3: or scheduling conflicts, but I try. I usually only see
Speaker 3: my family for Thanksgiving and maybe a day trip two
Speaker 3: to three times out of the year. Birthdays, promotions, holidays,
Speaker 3: especially Mothers and Father's Days always end up with arguments.
Speaker 3: My family views and treats her as if she is family,
Speaker 3: but she always rejects it and says, I'm not the same.
Speaker 3: Since say this is not the same because it's not
Speaker 3: her blood. I don't know what to do, and I
Speaker 3: don't want to live a life of dimming my success
Speaker 3: or not sharing it with my loved ones to make
Speaker 3: her comfortable. I try my best to understand or find solutions.
Speaker 3: Maybe there is something that I'm not seeing. What are
Speaker 3: your thoughts? Seems like family is a trigger for her.
Speaker 1: She said, it's just her mom. This is just her mom.
Speaker 4: She's probably used to only being aroound her mom, and
Speaker 4: it could be triggering for her to be around large
Speaker 4: groups of people and it don't feel she doesn't feel comfortable.
Speaker 3: Or does it know how to be comfortable in a
Speaker 3: situation where there's people in this family and there's love
Speaker 3: and there's like you know, yeah.
Speaker 4: Or it could be a thing where she's manipulative and
Speaker 4: she just wants to pull them away from his family
Speaker 4: because she wants to have access to him all to herself.
Speaker 4: Like there are so many different options. The truth of
Speaker 4: the matter is he knows this woman better than.
Speaker 2: These are two men, two women.
Speaker 1: They don't know.
Speaker 4: They know this person better than we do. So it's
Speaker 4: gonna it's hard for us to give advice on what
Speaker 4: to do. What I will keep saying is, though, is
Speaker 4: if you keep trying to open her up to your
Speaker 4: family and she keeps rejecting it, there's gonna come a
Speaker 4: point where your family's gonna start rejecting her as well,
Speaker 4: and then you have to make a choice of whether
Speaker 4: or not you want to continue to live in this
Speaker 4: type of environment, because I've seen it in so many families,
Speaker 4: even in mind, where one spouse pulls another spouse away
Speaker 4: from their family, and then it becomes a thing with
Speaker 4: they're the outsiders, yes, and then it ever fels down
Speaker 4: to generation and be like, oh, you know that aunt
Speaker 4: or that uncle that don't talk to nobody, well, their
Speaker 4: wife or their husband don't fuck with us.
Speaker 1: It's like, why, you know, why is that the case?
Speaker 4: You know, people have their own reasons and their own
Speaker 4: traumas that cause them to act that way. So I
Speaker 4: think he should investigate and learn more about her, or
Speaker 4: they should investigate and learn more about her so that
Speaker 4: they can understand why they're moving that way.
Speaker 3: Right, And I don't see anything here about children, because
Speaker 3: usually two children also add a layer of wanting the
Speaker 3: children to see a particular side of family. But I
Speaker 3: don't see anything about children here, So it may just
Speaker 3: be that they are a couple who's dealing with that. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it seems like there's some kind of issue around family.
Speaker 3: And my thing is if you're making the attempts to
Speaker 3: get her mom to come to hang with her or
Speaker 3: to be there for her, or you're encouraging that and
Speaker 3: then declines it, then I'm wondering is there an issue
Speaker 3: with her and her mom as well too? It doesn't
Speaker 3: seem like she has like a healthy family environment or
Speaker 3: relationship when it comes to family, So I would say
Speaker 3: there probably has to be some deeper conversation happening here.
Speaker 4: I think he or she needs to focus on your
Speaker 4: partner and find out why they are behaving the way
Speaker 4: they are. Once you find out why they are behaving
Speaker 4: the way they are, you can make a decision on
Speaker 4: what and whether or not you want to continue moving forward. Right,
Speaker 4: It's clearly your family is important to you and you
Speaker 4: should never have to choose.
Speaker 1: For sure, you know you should not have to choose.
Speaker 1: You should be able to find someone who is in
Speaker 1: synergies with how your family works. So that's what I
Speaker 1: would do.
Speaker 4: I would investigate, find out what her thought process is,
Speaker 4: and if you can't figure something else that works with me,
Speaker 4: I move on.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because some people just usually genuinely just don't know
Speaker 3: that there's a problem. For example, we had issues earlier
Speaker 3: on where you felt like the kids were going to
Speaker 3: my family more than they were going to your family,
Speaker 3: and really there was no malice from.
Speaker 2: Any party involved.
Speaker 3: It was just a matter of convenience a and it
Speaker 3: was a matter of speaking out against.
Speaker 4: Who That's different though, because neither one of us had
Speaker 4: an issue going to each other's families.
Speaker 3: It was.
Speaker 4: Making choices of where the kids were going to go
Speaker 4: when you needed help, and my family feel like they
Speaker 4: didn't see the kids as much as difference. Right, That's
Speaker 4: different than nobody not wanting to be around your family
Speaker 4: or you not wanting to be around mine?
Speaker 3: Now, I was using that example just to just say
Speaker 3: that sometimes parties involved are thinking different things, and it
Speaker 3: may be no malice intent or any harmful intention there.
Speaker 3: It's just that if you don't have the conversation about it,
Speaker 3: you don't understand the other person's idea or how they
Speaker 3: feel in that moment.
Speaker 1: The example was just.
Speaker 4: Off of me because I was like, did she clearly
Speaker 4: just doesn't want to be around his family?
Speaker 3: I know, but I'm just saying, has she expressed the
Speaker 3: reason why? I'm just saying the conversation needs to be
Speaker 3: happening because there may be a valid reason around.
Speaker 4: So she just makes excuses. He said that he's tried
Speaker 4: to include her. See, that's what I'm saying that. I
Speaker 4: think the example is different because you if I told
Speaker 4: you there was a problem, you didn't make excuses to
Speaker 4: why you couldn't do it. You were just like, oh,
Speaker 4: this was my thought process, and then we made moves
Speaker 4: to change.
Speaker 1: That so that we could be fair.
Speaker 4: It seems like he or she is constantly trying to
Speaker 4: make provisions in this person here, she is just always
Speaker 4: making a different change always.
Speaker 1: She shows a pattern of deliberately avoiding it, which is
Speaker 1: different than what you gave, right.
Speaker 3: But the thing is she's not being vocal about why
Speaker 3: she feels the way she feels. I'm just saying, if
Speaker 3: someone's not vocal about why they feel the way they feel,
Speaker 3: then you're left to your own devices of just guessing.
Speaker 2: And it doesn't seemed like she's been vocal with him
Speaker 2: or her.
Speaker 1: I understood what you're saying.
Speaker 4: I just feel like the example was confusing for me
Speaker 4: at least because we were two parties trying to find
Speaker 4: a split in the middle, and it seemed like she's
Speaker 4: not trying to find a split in the middle. She's
Speaker 4: just ye, I don't want to come around your family.
Speaker 4: I only want to be around my mom. But then
Speaker 4: when you leave me, it's almost like narcissism. But then
Speaker 4: when you leave me, even though I said I don't
Speaker 4: want to go, I'm gonna call you every day until
Speaker 4: you make you feel guilty about not being there, but.
Speaker 1: Doing it like that's just messed up you. You were
Speaker 1: never trying to.
Speaker 3: Be messed up you, no, exactly, but conversation alleviated that.
Speaker 2: So hopefully you were able.
Speaker 3: To have a conversation with her and find out what
Speaker 3: is the actual problem.
Speaker 2: Yeah, all right.
Speaker 3: To really rate listener letters. If y'all want to be
Speaker 3: featured as a listener letter, continue to write into us.
Speaker 2: We love to hear from you. Email us. That's the
Speaker 2: best way to get in touch.
Speaker 3: Dead assadvice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 4: That's d E A D A S S A D
Speaker 4: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: All right, time for a moment of truth. We're talking
Speaker 3: pursuit of happiness. What that looks like for you? Who
Speaker 3: were including? Who were excluding? How do we get to
Speaker 3: the root of budding happiness?
Speaker 1: Very is very very simple to me.
Speaker 4: We have one inaliable right on this earth, and that's
Speaker 4: to survive by any means necessary. During that survival, you
Speaker 4: want to be happy, right, So if you really truly
Speaker 4: want to be happy, look within, stop looking without. It's
Speaker 4: the same thing I've been preaching with every aspect. Look within,
Speaker 4: don't look without. And also don't project your unhappiness on
Speaker 4: other people because as.
Speaker 1: Humans we have a responsibility.
Speaker 4: Not only we have one inailiable right, but we have
Speaker 4: responsibilities to ourselves and the people we frequent.
Speaker 1: So don't make your life's goal to make other people unhappy.
Speaker 3: Moment misery, shouldn't love company huh, no moment of truth
Speaker 3: for me. I think I'm actually going to steal your
Speaker 3: soundbites from earlier and just say that happiness is an
Speaker 3: extreme solo sport. You are responsible for your own happiness.
Speaker 3: You cannot project that on anyone else. Your lack thereof
Speaker 3: also cannot be projected on anyone else. Nor can you
Speaker 3: attempt to get into relationships, whether it's romantic or not,
Speaker 3: expecting for someone to then make you happy, because what
Speaker 3: that does is put the onus on other people and
Speaker 3: not on you.
Speaker 2: Okay, So good luck, y'all.
Speaker 1: And be sure to find us on Patreon. It's the
Speaker 1: exclusive dead Ass podcast video content, and you can find
Speaker 1: us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast.
Speaker 2: Kadine I am and I am devout And it's right
Speaker 2: because you kind of chat this screwty, but it's cute.
Speaker 2: It was cute.
Speaker 3: And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review,
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