1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:04,440 Speaker 1: Hello, So I have a favorite to ask of you. No, 2 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:07,440 Speaker 1: I was wondering if, since this is the last episode 3 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:11,720 Speaker 1: of the season, if you could introduce the show. The 4 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:15,400 Speaker 1: show from Gimblet Media on behalf of Jonathan Goldstein. 5 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:20,880 Speaker 2: This is Heavyweight from Gimblet Media. 6 00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 1: On behalf of My best friend. You're my best friends, okay, 7 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 1: my second best friend. 8 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 3: No, hold on, let me think Karen Mary Code. 9 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, you're definitely second tier. 10 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,680 Speaker 3: Top five to five is pretty good. 11 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,120 Speaker 1: All right, here we go. 12 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,720 Speaker 2: From Gimlet Media on behalf of one of my top 13 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,720 Speaker 2: five friends, Jonathan Goldstein. This is Heavyweight. 14 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,440 Speaker 1: Today's episode, Jeremy. 15 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:54,600 Speaker 3: Today's episode Jeremy. 16 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,640 Speaker 1: Thanks Jackie, take it easy. 17 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,160 Speaker 3: Now, take it easy, and I want you to know, yeah, 18 00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,000 Speaker 3: this is it right. 19 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:05,959 Speaker 1: Well, promise me take it easy, promise me be well, 20 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:11,880 Speaker 1: John Yeah, sit right, but you know what, Yeah, there's 21 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:12,760 Speaker 1: going to be season two. 22 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:14,160 Speaker 2: Pardon me? 23 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:15,520 Speaker 1: Season two? 24 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,039 Speaker 2: Yeah, no, no. 25 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:21,560 Speaker 1: Comes after season Well, come on, you like talking to me? 26 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 4: I do? 27 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:24,200 Speaker 5: I do? 28 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:29,360 Speaker 2: Yeah? All right, my friend, that a way go. 29 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:31,160 Speaker 1: Thanks for introducing the show. 30 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:40,480 Speaker 2: Welcome from Gimlip Media on behalf of one of my 31 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,800 Speaker 2: top five friends, Jonathan Goldstein. This is Heavyweight. 32 00:01:44,560 --> 00:02:07,120 Speaker 3: Today's episode Jeremy. 33 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 1: Seven seventy is on that side of the street you 34 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 1: want to cross over here. Not long ago, I moved 35 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,280 Speaker 1: from Canada to Brooklyn, and while walking to the bank 36 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 1: in my new neighborhood, I saw something that stopped me 37 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,800 Speaker 1: in my tracks. I'd walked the route dozens of times, 38 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,680 Speaker 1: but never once did I notice the building I was 39 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:23,240 Speaker 1: passing right by. Excited, I grabbed Emily to share with 40 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,160 Speaker 1: her my discovery. 41 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,200 Speaker 4: I thought you were not looking for cars, You just 42 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:27,679 Speaker 4: walked straight across a light. 43 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,640 Speaker 1: Sliven. I well, we lived down the street from seven 44 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 1: to seventy Eastern Parkway, the hubbad Labovich World Headquarters, the 45 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:39,480 Speaker 1: place where thirty years ago I came to meet a 46 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:48,360 Speaker 1: man many Jews considered to be the Messiah. 47 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,399 Speaker 4: And you had told me a few things are sort 48 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,720 Speaker 4: of hinted. None ever really told, just hinted a few 49 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,680 Speaker 4: things over time about your sort of mysterious religious past. 50 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 1: Emily and I were only married last year, so we're 51 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:05,079 Speaker 1: still in that early stage of marriage when you share 52 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,960 Speaker 1: things about your past. I long for a day when 53 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 1: we'll have motored through all of this getting to know 54 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,920 Speaker 1: each other stuff so we can move on to the 55 00:03:12,919 --> 00:03:17,480 Speaker 1: more serious business of sitting in silence in cabs, bars 56 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:21,240 Speaker 1: and restaurants where we can quietly and properly digest our 57 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:25,480 Speaker 1: meals with the added pleasure of depressing other patrons. But 58 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 1: for now, we are learning about each other. And so 59 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,640 Speaker 1: I station us in front of seven to seventy Eastern 60 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 1: Parkway and hold out my arm to the place like 61 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:38,080 Speaker 1: a tour guide to my own life. I explained to 62 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:40,560 Speaker 1: Emily that the last time I stood on these steps, 63 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 1: I was fifteen years old and traveling without my parents 64 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,080 Speaker 1: for the very first time. I tell her that for 65 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 1: the first time in my life, I felt a sense 66 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:53,840 Speaker 1: of belonging. Judaism gave me that, so much so that 67 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 1: I was going to synagogue every single morning. I was 68 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 1: considering becoming a rabbi, committed dozens of blessings to memory, 69 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,440 Speaker 1: and to all of this, Emily says. 70 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:10,440 Speaker 4: It surprises me. You're not the kind of guy like 71 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,320 Speaker 4: you can't remember how to get home from like your 72 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 4: gym to our house. You don't seem like somebody would 73 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,520 Speaker 4: have all these blessings memorized, like there must have been 74 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:21,320 Speaker 4: something about it that really spoke to you. 75 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 1: It did, and although it no longer does that seven 76 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,520 Speaker 1: to seventy Eastern Parkway is so close to my new home, 77 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,200 Speaker 1: feels almost too coincidental. It makes me feel like a 78 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:36,920 Speaker 1: character and a lazily plotted religious parable about a guy 79 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 1: who'd given up on Judaism, but on whom Judaism hadn't 80 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:44,360 Speaker 1: given up. But lucky for me, I do not live 81 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:48,120 Speaker 1: in a parable. I live in Brooklyn, where random stuff 82 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 1: happens all the time. 83 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:51,719 Speaker 4: Maybe it's not random at all. 84 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,040 Speaker 1: It honestly freaks me out. 85 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 4: But if I'm saying maybe you were meant or maybe 86 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,640 Speaker 4: it's fate or something, wouldn't that mean that God has 87 00:04:58,680 --> 00:04:59,479 Speaker 4: a plan for you? 88 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,440 Speaker 1: And yeah, then God's plan doesn't include you. That freaks 89 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:03,720 Speaker 1: me out. 90 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,640 Speaker 4: Hi, Why couldn't God's plan include me? 91 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,800 Speaker 1: Because you're not Jewish? 92 00:05:07,839 --> 00:05:09,279 Speaker 4: Oh that doesn't seem very fair. 93 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 1: Did you get that? My gentile Minnesotan wife thinks my 94 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:18,160 Speaker 1: Hebrew Lord, a deity so smighty that he cursed Kine's 95 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,279 Speaker 1: entire lineage because the meat he'd sacrificed was a little 96 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:26,200 Speaker 1: on the gamey side, that this guy wasn't fair, while 97 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 1: her Midwestern take a penny leave a penny sense a 98 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,520 Speaker 1: fair play is one of the many reasons I love her, 99 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,799 Speaker 1: Emily just doesn't get my Peopil's lord at all. 100 00:05:35,839 --> 00:05:36,159 Speaker 4: Fair. 101 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,680 Speaker 1: Thirty years ago, when I set out on my pilgrimage 102 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:50,479 Speaker 1: from Montreal to seven seventy Eastern Parkway, my family was 103 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,599 Speaker 1: convinced that I'd lost my marbles. What are you a 104 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:58,320 Speaker 1: religious nut? Now? My father had asked. Although we were Jewish, 105 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:02,240 Speaker 1: we weren't religious. We didn't keep the Sabbath, eat kosher, 106 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 1: or do good works. But did we enjoy accusing people 107 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:11,279 Speaker 1: of anti Semitism every chance we got? Apsophacct lutely. My 108 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,560 Speaker 1: trip to Brooklyn was chaperoned by Rabbi Nu, a young 109 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:18,719 Speaker 1: charismatic rabbi i'd met the previous year. We'd talk about 110 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:22,080 Speaker 1: things never touched on in school, the important things like 111 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: why are we here? And what was the point of 112 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,839 Speaker 1: it all? We were going to Brooklyn to see Rebe 113 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 1: Menachmendel Schneersen speak. Rebeh Shneerson was the leader of the 114 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:35,239 Speaker 1: Lebavitch s Hasids, whom many believed would one day reveal 115 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:39,480 Speaker 1: himself to be the Messiah. While for Christians the Messiah 116 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:43,599 Speaker 1: had already come, the Jews were still waiting the Messiah. 117 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 1: Stuff really spoke to me life back then felt like 118 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,280 Speaker 1: a kind of foreplay, like it should be leading towards 119 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,799 Speaker 1: something big. When the Messiah shows up, Rabbi Nu said, 120 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,800 Speaker 1: God will be revealed, He'll revive the dead, put an 121 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,880 Speaker 1: end to death. As a teenager, death irked me. Death 122 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 1: was nothing pointless, but the Messiah was something big. Revelation 123 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,520 Speaker 1: could happen any second. Rabbi Nu said, we just had 124 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,800 Speaker 1: to demand it. He taught us a song called we 125 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,360 Speaker 1: want Michier Now. We chanted in his dining room after 126 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,360 Speaker 1: Sabbath dinner, pounding the table hard enough to make the 127 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:30,119 Speaker 1: dishes and the cabinets rattle. The Messiah was so close 128 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,240 Speaker 1: to coming that I stopped doing my homework. What was 129 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,400 Speaker 1: the point of homework when the world as we knew 130 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,000 Speaker 1: it was so close to ending, It was just a 131 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:44,160 Speaker 1: matter of the rubbishneerson knowing that the time was right, did. 132 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,400 Speaker 4: You think about what your life would be like after 133 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,120 Speaker 4: the Messiah came? 134 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:52,000 Speaker 1: There would be no more doubt, Everything would be naked 135 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 1: and exposed. 136 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 4: But I want to know, like even more literally, like 137 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,560 Speaker 4: what if you were daydreaming? Like what were you wearing? 138 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 1: I got to the point where I thought it was 139 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,480 Speaker 1: so gonna happen any minute. That I used to go 140 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,880 Speaker 1: to sleep at night wearing sweatpants because I thought, like, 141 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna hear the show far that's the 142 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,560 Speaker 1: first thing that the rams horn, I'm gonna hear that. 143 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 4: That's how That's how you know the Messiah's coming. 144 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm gonna run out into the street. It's gonna 145 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:16,960 Speaker 1: be really sunny. 146 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,080 Speaker 4: Doesn't it Like if there was a Messiah gonna come, 147 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,400 Speaker 4: they would have a more efficient way of letting everybody 148 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 4: know than blowing a rams horn. If you sleeper and 149 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:28,040 Speaker 4: you sleep through the rams rams horn, why are you 150 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:32,560 Speaker 4: getting hung up on that? I'm just curious. I'm just curious. So, 151 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 4: uh hello, I'm sorry. 152 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 1: As Emily and I argue over the appropriate multi platform 153 00:08:45,679 --> 00:08:49,000 Speaker 1: rollout for a Messiah, something happens that we can add 154 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:54,760 Speaker 1: to the uncanny Brooklyn coincidence file. Esther walks by. Esther's 155 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,960 Speaker 1: an acquaintance of Emily's, a friend of a friend. But 156 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:01,320 Speaker 1: what's notable is that she's the only Orthodox Jewish person 157 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:04,840 Speaker 1: Emily knows. It's the first day of Hanukkah, and Esther 158 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 1: is out shopping for a minora, the traditional kindelabra lit 159 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:11,840 Speaker 1: for the holiday. No sooner do Esther and Emily begin 160 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:15,319 Speaker 1: to catch up than an eager Hasset approaches, asking if 161 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:18,560 Speaker 1: we'd like to go inside seven seventy and see his manora, 162 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 1: his prodigious, super colossal menora. 163 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,000 Speaker 2: It's a real big one. It's really nice, like a 164 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:26,080 Speaker 2: huge manura. 165 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 1: Yah, you check it out. 166 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:27,160 Speaker 6: It's right here. 167 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 1: I'll check it out six ft. I'll be there in 168 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,600 Speaker 1: a little bit. And then he turns to me. 169 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:40,520 Speaker 4: I'm okay, so yeah, right away, you were just like nothings. 170 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:46,400 Speaker 1: I just find like proselytizing, even if it's well intentioned, 171 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:53,280 Speaker 1: it gets my defenses up. Why well, because I feel 172 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,160 Speaker 1: like I went through it, you know what I mean. 173 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,000 Speaker 1: I feel like I went through it when I was 174 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:08,400 Speaker 1: a kid and it didn't work. What happened? What did happen? 175 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:12,640 Speaker 1: Standing outside seven point seventy that day, I struggled to 176 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,880 Speaker 1: give Esther a good answer, And in the days that followed, 177 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,280 Speaker 1: I found myself stuck on the question. How did something 178 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: that once meant everything to me come to me nothing? 179 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,280 Speaker 1: All these years later, I still sometimes feel the absence. 180 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 1: I'm not sure if it's an absence that religion left 181 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:33,319 Speaker 1: behind in its wake, or whether religion created it. Maybe 182 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,640 Speaker 1: such feelings just creep in as you grow older. But 183 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,959 Speaker 1: in the myriad alternate universe is out there, I wonder 184 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 1: if somewhere there's a black hatted Jonathan Goldstein who stuck 185 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:47,920 Speaker 1: it out, who doesn't feel anything lacking. Is that Jonathan Goldstein, 186 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 1: the kind of happy, go lucky jasid who wears his 187 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,560 Speaker 1: kipa at a jaunty angle and possesses the kind of 188 00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:57,720 Speaker 1: thick natural beard that retains the smell of varnishkahs for days. 189 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 1: That Jonathan Goldstein, I imagine, does not wonder about this 190 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:06,600 Speaker 1: Jonathan Goldstein, though maybe on some nights he still feels 191 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,480 Speaker 1: the phantom pang of an emily sized hole in his heart, 192 00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:18,719 Speaker 1: but he probably just shrugs it off as indigestion. If 193 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,320 Speaker 1: there's one person who could shed light on the moment 194 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: when these two Jonathan Goldstein's went their separate ways, it's 195 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,320 Speaker 1: the man who is there who chaperoned my fifteen year 196 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:32,600 Speaker 1: old self from Montreal to seven seventy Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn, 197 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,800 Speaker 1: my old Rabbi, Rabbi nw Hello, I'm here to see 198 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:41,720 Speaker 1: Rabbi new So I went back to Montreal to see 199 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 1: him thirty years ago, when I was a teenager, Rabbi 200 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: knew was the rabbi of a tiny synagogue. I definitely 201 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,439 Speaker 1: should have asked where his office is. Now he's the 202 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:58,079 Speaker 1: rabbi of a large synagogue of many floors and offices. 203 00:11:58,480 --> 00:11:58,560 Speaker 5: Hi. 204 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:00,560 Speaker 1: There, I'm the same guy as before. For I guess 205 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:17,200 Speaker 1: I should have asked where. Okay, thank you, worries. Hi, 206 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 1: nice to see you in my office. Sure, yeah, Rabbi 207 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:26,120 Speaker 1: news Beard is now white, but otherwise he looks the 208 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,800 Speaker 1: way I remember him. We catch up. He tells me 209 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 1: about his children and his children's children, and I tell 210 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:36,120 Speaker 1: him about my marriage to a gentile. And even after 211 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,680 Speaker 1: all these years, I still feel myself fearing his disappointment. 212 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:43,240 Speaker 1: I struggle to ask the question I came here to ask. 213 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 4: Uh. 214 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:52,040 Speaker 6: I mean, I I don't know if it's you're trying 215 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:55,240 Speaker 6: to understand what happened a little bit. I do recall 216 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,400 Speaker 6: your parents were not supportive. I thought it would Gypodizer, 217 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:02,679 Speaker 6: I mean, would would compromise your career, Oh that you 218 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 6: become a rabie something. It's some of the envisioned. If 219 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,160 Speaker 6: there's anything, it's it's this. 220 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:08,680 Speaker 5: It's the. 221 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,000 Speaker 6: Wanting not to disappoint I think that was a barrier 222 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,880 Speaker 6: that didn't allow you, in all of this, to be 223 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:23,679 Speaker 6: you in the fullest sense, to the point where you 224 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,720 Speaker 6: know you had to stop kind of because you weren't 225 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:26,480 Speaker 6: going to go further. 226 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:34,440 Speaker 1: It's hard to imagine my parents exerting that much control 227 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,520 Speaker 1: over what I ended up doing. Yes, they were against 228 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:40,560 Speaker 1: my becoming religious, but then they were against so many 229 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:44,400 Speaker 1: things that I persisted with, certain friendships, my love of 230 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 1: David Bowie. There was more than just my parents disapproval 231 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:52,960 Speaker 1: at play. Something else was taking shape too. At first, 232 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:56,800 Speaker 1: learning I had in Everlasting Soul was great, but because 233 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,400 Speaker 1: of who I am, my fear of death evolved into 234 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:03,800 Speaker 1: a new fear, A fear of going on forever, going 235 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:09,439 Speaker 1: on and on, pass boredom, past nausea, through millennia upon millennia, 236 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,679 Speaker 1: and never being able to turn my brain off that 237 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:22,760 Speaker 1: somehow felt worse than death, God or no God, Messiah 238 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,840 Speaker 1: or no Messiah. It started to feel like maybe it 239 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:29,400 Speaker 1: all didn't matter anyway. I might not die, but I'd 240 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:36,080 Speaker 1: always be me, awkward teenage acneed me. As that fear grew, 241 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,000 Speaker 1: I decided one night to go see Rabbi Nu. I 242 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: was desperate to believe, desperate to just be a normal 243 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:45,480 Speaker 1: person like everybody else. Maybe if I was honest about 244 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,600 Speaker 1: my most secret, anxious thoughts, if I just put them 245 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:52,640 Speaker 1: out there, he might be able to help assuage them. 246 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,280 Speaker 1: At his house, I laid it all out, and in 247 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:59,200 Speaker 1: the ensuing silence, I remember Rabbi Knew simply saying that 248 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:02,560 Speaker 1: this wasn't a good way to think. I walked home 249 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,320 Speaker 1: that night looking up at the stars, but rather than 250 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,280 Speaker 1: feeling cozy and warm as I used to assured of 251 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,080 Speaker 1: my place in the universe, I felt the horror of 252 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:15,000 Speaker 1: all that going on and on forever. I was unable 253 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,200 Speaker 1: to make my peace with it, and I no longer 254 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:21,400 Speaker 1: felt that Judaism had the answers. Trying to will myself 255 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,160 Speaker 1: to believe was as futile as willing myself to fall 256 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 1: in love. I was left feeling that if there was 257 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 1: a god, he was too big to know with my 258 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:32,680 Speaker 1: small brain, too inhuman to know with my human heart. 259 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,200 Speaker 1: Was that disappointing to you? 260 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,400 Speaker 6: I must be on some level, of course. 261 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, even after all these years, I have concern. Fore 262 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 1: your disappointment story's not over. It scares me to think 263 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,360 Speaker 1: of that. Also, like I don't I love my wife, 264 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:53,720 Speaker 1: you know? 265 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:57,280 Speaker 6: And I say, she's not part of it. Everything is 266 00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:06,960 Speaker 6: ultimately so who knows? Who knows. 267 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,160 Speaker 1: One of the last nights, Rabbi Knew had me over 268 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,280 Speaker 1: for dinner. There seemed to be a whole new crop 269 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,680 Speaker 1: of young people over at his house. They seemed more serious, 270 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,880 Speaker 1: more mature. One of them was a boy about a 271 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 1: year older than me with a very rabbinic affect. His 272 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 1: name was Jeremy. At the end of the meal, he 273 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:30,520 Speaker 1: and I wandered the empty nighttime suburban streets talking. It 274 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,840 Speaker 1: turned out Jeremy was in the midst of converting from 275 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:37,120 Speaker 1: a secular Christian background to Judaism. Unlike a lot of 276 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:42,120 Speaker 1: other religions, Judaism doesn't really welcome converts. Traditionally, when a 277 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:45,280 Speaker 1: nonjow comes knocking, he's supposed to be turned away over 278 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:48,840 Speaker 1: and over. And so while I was passively drifting away, 279 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,360 Speaker 1: Jeremy was actively pounding on the door in pursuit of 280 00:16:52,400 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 1: a religion that didn't even want him. We walked around 281 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,719 Speaker 1: until very late into the night, and I remember him 282 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,000 Speaker 1: coming along with me to a gas station where I 283 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,439 Speaker 1: bought a pack of cigarettes, and because I had no 284 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:12,400 Speaker 1: matches left, I lit one off the other until half 285 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,920 Speaker 1: the pack was gone, and my voice was hoarse from 286 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,720 Speaker 1: talking all night about God and life and all the 287 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 1: other kinds of things I no longer talk about. And 288 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,200 Speaker 1: though I was never to see Jeremy again, I've always 289 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,000 Speaker 1: thought of him as the closest thing to the alternate universe. 290 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:31,480 Speaker 1: Me a Jonathan who went all the way. I asked Rob, 291 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:33,800 Speaker 1: I knew if he still saw Jeremy, and he said 292 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,639 Speaker 1: that he saw him all the time, that he was 293 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,560 Speaker 1: a part of his congregation. And I said, I'd been 294 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:43,639 Speaker 1: thinking about Jeremy and wanted to see him again. I 295 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,600 Speaker 1: kind of want to know, you know, what his life 296 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:46,960 Speaker 1: is like. 297 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 6: You'll find out, point out not what you expect. 298 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 1: To the break, inviting myself over to a man's house 299 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,959 Speaker 1: I only met once thirty years ago, to see if 300 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:22,280 Speaker 1: what I expect to not expect is unexpected. I wondered 301 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,320 Speaker 1: what rabbi news words meant. Why would Jeremy not be 302 00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:29,400 Speaker 1: what I'm expecting? Was he no longer religious? We'd met 303 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:33,120 Speaker 1: at a crossroad, me walking away from Judaism and he 304 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,920 Speaker 1: walking towards it. I wanted to see what Jeremy's life 305 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,080 Speaker 1: is like slash. What my life is not like slash? 306 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,119 Speaker 1: What my life could slash might have been slash B. 307 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: When I phoned Jeremy to see if I could come by, 308 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:52,200 Speaker 1: he said, sure. Does he remember the night we hung out? Possibly? 309 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:57,040 Speaker 1: Is he just being polite? Probably? Does he think it 310 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,560 Speaker 1: odd that I've pretty much invited myself over to his 311 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:04,439 Speaker 1: home after meeting him one time several decades ago? Odds 312 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:10,200 Speaker 1: are hello, apsophacoc dilutely Hi, I'm here to My name's Jonathan. 313 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,160 Speaker 4: I'm here to see your fakes. 314 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:14,640 Speaker 1: Oh thank you. It turns out that when Jeremy converted, 315 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:19,840 Speaker 1: he adopted the Hebrew name Iariyahu, after Jeremiah the Weeping Prophet. 316 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,480 Speaker 1: He and his wife Rayah live in a close knit 317 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:27,760 Speaker 1: Hasidic neighborhood. How are you so far? There isn't anything 318 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:32,200 Speaker 1: here I wouldn't have expected. Yeriyahu is bearded and handsome, 319 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,920 Speaker 1: and to the casual observer, looks like a rabbi. He's 320 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,640 Speaker 1: even got a rabbinically appropriate number of children. 321 00:19:39,359 --> 00:19:43,920 Speaker 5: Our oldest is Menachem, almost twenty. Then we have Hannah, 322 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:49,000 Speaker 5: she is eighteen, SphI is sixteen, Dina twelve. 323 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,800 Speaker 1: Yarmiyahu and his wife have six kids, and not that 324 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:56,240 Speaker 1: it's a competition, but that's six kids more than I have. 325 00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:00,560 Speaker 1: So put another way, he is beating me to zero. 326 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,920 Speaker 1: Or to put it yet another way, if his children 327 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,880 Speaker 1: and my children were to face off in a game 328 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,919 Speaker 1: of red Rover, his children would show up, see that 329 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,560 Speaker 1: their competitor had forfeited the match, and in a show 330 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:16,560 Speaker 1: of victory, form a triumphant human pyramid atop which Yeerrami 331 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:25,280 Speaker 1: Yahoo could seat himself. Whereas I was courted by Rabbi 332 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:30,600 Speaker 1: knew Eariyahu, a convert, was barely tolerated, but it didn't matter. 333 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,960 Speaker 1: He jumped in, he says, feet first, going in a 334 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,679 Speaker 1: relatively quick conversion of eight months from being irreligious and 335 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:42,240 Speaker 1: atheistic to a life of Orthodoxy. Thinking of how my 336 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,880 Speaker 1: Jewish parents tried to keep me from getting too absorbed 337 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,439 Speaker 1: in Judaism, I asked Yarmiyahu what kind of pressure his 338 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,840 Speaker 1: non Jewish parents placed on him. 339 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:55,160 Speaker 5: I had hoped initially that my parents could appreciate that 340 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:59,000 Speaker 5: this was something that enriched my life. But this was 341 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:03,760 Speaker 5: something that just we never got past until the very final. 342 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,120 Speaker 1: Days, I mean the final days of well. 343 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:07,560 Speaker 5: My parents passed away last year. 344 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:09,959 Speaker 1: Both of them, oh, I'm sorry. 345 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:17,800 Speaker 5: Within three months, and my father, until literally the final 346 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,560 Speaker 5: years of our life together, would offer me a glass 347 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:24,240 Speaker 5: of wine or a steak from the barbecue or something 348 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,560 Speaker 5: like that, and it wasn't doing He wasn't doing it intentionally, 349 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,679 Speaker 5: just completely forgot. He just forgot I can't eat that 350 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,919 Speaker 5: because it's not kosher. In many ways, I think it 351 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,480 Speaker 5: was actually better to be oblivious than my mother, who 352 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:42,000 Speaker 5: was upset that I couldn't as loving as she was. 353 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:44,920 Speaker 5: She just couldn't respect what we were doing. 354 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:52,400 Speaker 1: But unlike me, Hearmia, who wasn't derailed by his parents' disapproval. 355 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,040 Speaker 1: He wasn't afraid to disappoint to become the person he 356 00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:59,359 Speaker 1: was meant to be. Well, Hearmia, who seems certain of 357 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,239 Speaker 1: the path that out on. I'm still surprised by how 358 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:06,080 Speaker 1: precarious my sense of stability can be. There are times, 359 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,440 Speaker 1: often nice times, enjoying a good meal with people I love, 360 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:13,480 Speaker 1: when the darkness descends, unasked for and sudden, and I 361 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,200 Speaker 1: need to hit reset in the bathroom with cold water 362 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:27,000 Speaker 1: on my face. I'm going to catch her off, just 363 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,760 Speaker 1: as we had thirty years ago. Hear me Ahu and 364 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:33,040 Speaker 1: I talk late into the evening, his wife Rayah coming 365 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,800 Speaker 1: and going, and all the while I tried to share 366 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,720 Speaker 1: the best that I can that feeling of just never 367 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,119 Speaker 1: being able to know the most basic things about my 368 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:44,119 Speaker 1: own being, and how scary that feeling has been for me. 369 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:46,920 Speaker 1: I tell him about how I wasn't able to move 370 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,560 Speaker 1: through that fear guided by belief because I couldn't believe. 371 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,800 Speaker 1: There was a time when the first thing I'd always 372 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,359 Speaker 1: want to know was like when I'd meet someone news 373 00:22:58,400 --> 00:22:59,480 Speaker 1: whether they believed in God? 374 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,000 Speaker 5: And id you meet a person and they say they 375 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,400 Speaker 5: believe in God? Well, what does that tell you about 376 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:07,400 Speaker 5: the person? Almost nothing? Or they don't believe in God? 377 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 5: And what does that tell you? Nothing? 378 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,880 Speaker 1: But I felt like it was almost like the most 379 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,600 Speaker 1: important thing to know in order to live, you know. 380 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:17,520 Speaker 5: The least important thing, because don't you want to just 381 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:20,800 Speaker 5: discover who the person is and then decide how close 382 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,639 Speaker 5: they are to God regardless of what they believe or not. 383 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:30,679 Speaker 1: Yeah, it became kind of moot, like I felt like, well, 384 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:38,119 Speaker 1: if you can't know or I couldn't know, or or 385 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,359 Speaker 1: or feel that I knew that I had to figure 386 00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:49,439 Speaker 1: out how to live an okay life anyway. 387 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:56,359 Speaker 5: Over time, the idea of knowing what God, who God is, 388 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:01,040 Speaker 5: to getting to a point where it's just an absolute mystery, 389 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:07,760 Speaker 5: and then wondering how people seem so comfortable with that mystery. 390 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:12,879 Speaker 5: None of it makes sense to me as time's gone on, 391 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:21,800 Speaker 5: and particularly recently, I don't understand God at all, and 392 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:27,680 Speaker 5: I think that I don't know. Maybe there's something healthy 393 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:34,560 Speaker 5: in that. I think there's a real power to not knowing. 394 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,560 Speaker 5: And I think that if we're really honest with ourselves, 395 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:44,400 Speaker 5: we really have no clue who God is, and that 396 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:50,600 Speaker 5: should maybe shame us a little bit into not acting 397 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:56,760 Speaker 5: with such conviction. Like I'm probably closer to where you 398 00:24:56,880 --> 00:25:01,520 Speaker 5: are at looking at the world than you're away. Right 399 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,439 Speaker 5: that although our paths kind of you know, took certain 400 00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:07,880 Speaker 5: you know, at a certain point, is where I look 401 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,760 Speaker 5: at the world from now, there's absolutely no certainty. 402 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:22,960 Speaker 1: Maybe this is what Rabbi new thought. I wouldn't expect 403 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:27,600 Speaker 1: the similarities between your Miyahoo and me. Though my inability 404 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,720 Speaker 1: to find certainty led me away, your Miyahu was able 405 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:34,560 Speaker 1: to embrace the uncertainty and find peace in it. When 406 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,879 Speaker 1: I asked him about the Messiah, if that was something 407 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,879 Speaker 1: that excited him made sense to him. It doesn't seem 408 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,680 Speaker 1: like it was that important a thing. When you listen 409 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:45,120 Speaker 1: to the way he talks about Judaism, you can feel 410 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,960 Speaker 1: how deep it goes well. For me, all the rules 411 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,680 Speaker 1: and rituals were an impediment. Here, Miyahu sees beauty in it. 412 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,040 Speaker 5: I fell in love and this is what I wanted 413 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:59,560 Speaker 5: to do, and got I could say huh, and so 414 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:03,840 Speaker 5: that was okay too. I mean everything down to the letters, 415 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:07,680 Speaker 5: the look of the letters. The script was a beautiful 416 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,879 Speaker 5: thing to me. It's like a It's like a fire. 417 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,560 Speaker 5: Each letter has a flame that rises up from it. 418 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:20,680 Speaker 5: And the people something just felt like when I was 419 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:24,320 Speaker 5: around them, being at home, it really felt like coming home. 420 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:32,359 Speaker 1: You're mi Ahu born in Nanjew had found his home 421 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,920 Speaker 1: among people he'd never have expected to as a kid, 422 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:39,119 Speaker 1: and I, born a Jew, was heading in the opposite direction. 423 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,120 Speaker 1: Khaniko was winding down and Christmas was on its way. 424 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,000 Speaker 1: Emily had asked me to join her in Minnesota for 425 00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:52,560 Speaker 1: my first Christmas with her family, and I was hesitant 426 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:55,600 Speaker 1: I might ruin the vibe. I said, you know what, 427 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:59,159 Speaker 1: with the jolliness and all that, But you wanted me, 428 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:00,760 Speaker 1: so I went. 429 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,879 Speaker 6: It's seven o'clock up the morning. 430 00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:07,280 Speaker 4: I've been up for like two hours. It's too excited 431 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:12,400 Speaker 4: that everybody's sleeping under the same roof. Are rough, Let's 432 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:16,320 Speaker 4: say it here in Minnesota. 433 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,240 Speaker 1: And so at my in laws in a house overlooking 434 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:22,040 Speaker 1: a frozen lake, in a guest room surrounded by baseball memorabilia. 435 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:26,000 Speaker 1: At some ungodly hour of the morning, I prepare myself 436 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,040 Speaker 1: for the rituals of Christmas. Morning. We get out of 437 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:35,520 Speaker 1: bed and have breakfast morning in a bright kitchen. Emily's 438 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:40,200 Speaker 1: family lounge around in slippers and bathrobes, bathrobes. 439 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:48,160 Speaker 7: Coffee, Johnny bread, Johnny bread, and no sooner than I'm 440 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,080 Speaker 7: offered some we all run to the window to witness 441 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:52,280 Speaker 7: a Christmas miracle. 442 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:56,560 Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, it's the Christmas. 443 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:58,879 Speaker 1: Watch the Christmas Fox he makes. 444 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,520 Speaker 4: Four years on Christmas. 445 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:07,159 Speaker 1: Then we exchange gifts. Oh wow, you get the first present, 446 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:12,800 Speaker 1: so I guess you're not saving the wrapping papers them. 447 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,120 Speaker 1: I opened gifts that would have made the ten year 448 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,600 Speaker 1: old me very happy. A book about Houdini, a box 449 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,480 Speaker 1: of cards with optical illusions, and a pair of my 450 00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:25,880 Speaker 1: very own slippers, the first I've ever owned. They fit 451 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:29,879 Speaker 1: perfectly too. Emily's parents must have measured my shoes the 452 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:33,000 Speaker 1: last time I was here. Who does such things? I 453 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:36,120 Speaker 1: asked Emily, And as I put them on, my heart 454 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:41,880 Speaker 1: grows three times its size, just kidding only in digestion. 455 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,800 Speaker 1: After exchanging gifts, we gather around the piano. You know 456 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:52,520 Speaker 1: those assholes who when they sing jingle bells in a group, 457 00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:54,480 Speaker 1: and they get to the laughing all the way part, 458 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,719 Speaker 1: how they have to be the ones doing the ha 459 00:28:56,800 --> 00:29:03,160 Speaker 1: ha part ha ha. Turns out I'm that guy, all told. 460 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 1: Christmas in Minnesota was absolutely the most goyish experience I'd 461 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:10,360 Speaker 1: ever had, And the weirdest part was it felt like 462 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:14,880 Speaker 1: coming home. Maybe as you grow older, religion becomes more 463 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:18,560 Speaker 1: about finding your people, your family, and less about fretting 464 00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:22,680 Speaker 1: over the things you'll never know cannot know. The God 465 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,680 Speaker 1: itch could not be scratched by religion, the Messiah, or 466 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:28,520 Speaker 1: for that matter, by God. But as it turns out, 467 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:32,440 Speaker 1: it could be scratched a little bit scratched by a 468 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:35,760 Speaker 1: book about Houdini and a pair of slippers. And in 469 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:38,760 Speaker 1: knowing that, at least in a certain Midwestern corner of 470 00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:42,600 Speaker 1: the earth, under a specific ruff, I wasn't letting anyone 471 00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:46,880 Speaker 1: down and my existence mattered, and that being me being 472 00:29:46,960 --> 00:30:23,400 Speaker 1: here for a little while longer wasn't so bad. 473 00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:34,400 Speaker 6: Now that the fern ures returning. 474 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:40,640 Speaker 1: To its good will home, now that the last month's 475 00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:45,440 Speaker 1: rent is scheming with the damage to possibly take this 476 00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:51,760 Speaker 1: moment to dissolve. If we meant him and we talked, 477 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:59,120 Speaker 1: we never felt around for far too months from things 478 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:06,840 Speaker 1: an accident. Ales Heavyweight is hosted and produced by me 479 00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:10,720 Speaker 1: Jonathan Goldstein along with Chris Neary and Khalila Holt. The 480 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:14,840 Speaker 1: senior producer is Wendy Dore, editing by Alex Bloomberg, Paul Tuff, 481 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:17,920 Speaker 1: and jor H Just. The show was mixed by Hailey Shaw. 482 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:22,600 Speaker 1: Special thanks to Emily Condon, Stephen Page, Paul DeJong and 483 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:27,200 Speaker 1: my number three best friend Jackie Cohen. Music is by 484 00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:30,280 Speaker 1: Christine Fellows, who has written a lot of beautiful original 485 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:33,160 Speaker 1: music for the show this season and we feel extremely 486 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:36,280 Speaker 1: lucky to work with her along with her occasional collaborator 487 00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:40,040 Speaker 1: John K. Sampson. Additional music credits for this episode can 488 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: be found on our website Gimbletmedia dot com slash Heavyweight. 489 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,800 Speaker 1: Our theme song is by the weaker Thance, courtesy of 490 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:49,880 Speaker 1: Epitaph Records, and our ad music is by Hailey Shaw. 491 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:53,760 Speaker 1: Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight. This is our last 492 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,840 Speaker 1: episode of the season, but we'll be back before you 493 00:31:56,960 --> 00:31:59,280 Speaker 1: know it. In the meantime, if you have a story 494 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,960 Speaker 1: you'd like us to do for season two, a moment 495 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:04,240 Speaker 1: from your own past that you wish you could change, 496 00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:07,040 Speaker 1: that somehow derailed your life or set you off on 497 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:11,080 Speaker 1: a surprisingpath, send us an email at Heavyweight at gimbletmedia 498 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:14,400 Speaker 1: dot com, and one last thing. At Gimlet, we have 499 00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:16,760 Speaker 1: a membership program that you can join for five dollars 500 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:20,040 Speaker 1: a month, and with it you get early releases, bonus content, 501 00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:22,360 Speaker 1: and you'll get to talk with Gimlet staff and our 502 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,280 Speaker 1: members slack group. In fact, I'll be doing a live 503 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:28,680 Speaker 1: online Q and A that stands for Questions and Answers 504 00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:33,480 Speaker 1: exclusively for our members this Monday, November twenty first, from 505 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:38,280 Speaker 1: three to four pm EEST stands for Eastern Standard Time. 506 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:40,800 Speaker 1: I think if you want to become a member, head 507 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:44,240 Speaker 1: to gimbletmedia dot com to find out how. Thanks for listening, 508 00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:46,200 Speaker 1: and if you feel up to it, leave us a 509 00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:52,360 Speaker 1: comment on iTunes. A nice comment would be especially nice.