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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks. My name is Cat and I am the host.

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks is the special bonus episode of You Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy that comes out every Wednesday where I answer questions

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Speaker 1: that you guys send into Catherine at you Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: podcast dot com. Now, before we get going, just a

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Speaker 1: little quick reminder that although I am a therapist, this

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Speaker 1: podcast is not therapy. Therapy is just not that simple.

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Speaker 1: We can't put it in podcast form for the masses.

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Speaker 1: And you know what, I almost was like, Oh, I

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Speaker 1: wish we could. I don't really wish we could because

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Speaker 1: I would water it down. Which brings us to today's question.

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Speaker 1: So this week's question does not come from my email

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Speaker 1: in box. That actually comes from Instagram, and it is

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Speaker 1: a continuation of something we talked about last week. I

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Speaker 1: talked about how not everything is trauma and if you

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Speaker 1: haven't listened to that, highly recommend you go there at

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Speaker 1: first and then come back and join us here. I

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Speaker 1: had a lot of people reach out and ask after

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Speaker 1: I talked about that, and I talked about it all

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Speaker 1: my stories as well. I had a lot of people

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Speaker 1: reach out and ask, Okay, if not everything as trauma.

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Speaker 1: Can you help us understand what trauma is? And well,

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Speaker 1: yes I can, and no I can't. I can't tell

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Speaker 1: you what is traumatic for you because that is subjective

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Speaker 1: and individual. But we can talk about what may constitute

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Speaker 1: as trauma in general, so we can talk about very generally.

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Speaker 1: This is not black and white. Most stuff is not

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Speaker 1: black and white when it comes to therapy, which is

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Speaker 1: the beauty of doing the work. So trauma can be

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Speaker 1: anything that is less than nurturing. This means, because we

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Speaker 1: are humans that are in relationship with other humans in

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Speaker 1: a world made up of humans, we have all most

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Speaker 1: likely experienced some form of trauma in our lives, whether

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Speaker 1: or not we realize it. That's a whole another conversation. Now,

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Speaker 1: I want to make it very clear that trauma does

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Speaker 1: not sentence you to live an unhealthy life, and it

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Speaker 1: doesn't sentence you to continue horrible, unhealthy behaviors and relationships

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Speaker 1: and to be in despair. That doesn't do that. So

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Speaker 1: just because somebody has experienced trauma doesn't necessarily they're going

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Speaker 1: to have the same I guess consequences or aftermath or

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Speaker 1: symptoms or whatever it is that somebody else has. Now

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Speaker 1: we have both big tea and we have little T trauma.

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Speaker 1: So let's talk about what that means. So a big

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Speaker 1: T trauma would be something like a shock trauma another

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Speaker 1: word for it, and what most people think of when

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Speaker 1: they think of traumas shock traumas, and that's things like

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Speaker 1: natural disasters, assault abuse, rape, car crashes, or any kind

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Speaker 1: of sexual abuse. Really, Now, while I would argue that

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Speaker 1: the majority of people that experience those things will experience

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Speaker 1: some adverse reactions after going through that, it doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: everybody will. And depending on what the person who experiences

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Speaker 1: this has experienced in life before and after their attachment,

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Speaker 1: their resources, et cetera, the effects of the trauma might

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Speaker 1: look different because it isn't always about what has happened either,

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Speaker 1: So it's not always about the trauma and the exact

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Speaker 1: trauma that happened a lot of times, the most important

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Speaker 1: part of it going through and experiencing something like this

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Speaker 1: might be if what happened has been processed or not.

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Speaker 1: So that's another part there. Now let's talk about little

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Speaker 1: T trauma. So little T trauma can include things like bullying,

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Speaker 1: loss of relationships, non life threatening injuries, emotional neglect, and

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Speaker 1: anything that alters your view of yourself and how you

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Speaker 1: relate to the world in a nonproductive way. Now, what

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Speaker 1: may not seem as a big deal to someone can

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Speaker 1: actually have more of a negative effect on a person's

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Speaker 1: emotional and psychological development based on their age, the frequency

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Speaker 1: of the trauma, and the meaning they attached to it.

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Speaker 1: Then let's say one of these big T traumas. So

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Speaker 1: that's why I really can find some compassion and understanding

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Speaker 1: of a lot of the information that even brought this

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Speaker 1: conversation up that's been put on the internet, is it

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Speaker 1: is important to understand what little T trauma is and

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Speaker 1: what emotional neglect is. It isn't important to understand that

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Speaker 1: that stuff can have an effect on you because a

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Speaker 1: lot of people don't realize that. And then we are

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Speaker 1: walking around asking ourselves what's wrong with us because we're

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Speaker 1: having those adverse reactions and the effects of what that

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Speaker 1: little T trauma has created, but we don't understand that

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Speaker 1: anything even happened. So I do value and and and

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Speaker 1: really appreciate the fact that we are trying to educate

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Speaker 1: the world. My biggest issue with that is when the

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Speaker 1: education is in the hands of the wrong person, we

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Speaker 1: end up exploiting the fact that people are very interested

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Speaker 1: in therapy and learning about themselves right now, and I

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Speaker 1: don't like that. And when therapy and information and education

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Speaker 1: is used as clickbait, it just really gets me going. Now.

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Speaker 1: I cannot stress them enough that not everyone will experience

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Speaker 1: the same things in the same way. Where As one

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Speaker 1: thing might be considered trauma to one person, someone else

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Speaker 1: may not consider it that. It's not anybody else's job

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Speaker 1: on the Internet to make a distinction for somebody else.

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Speaker 1: And that's why I said, I can explain what trauma

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Speaker 1: might be, but I can't tell you what trauma is

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Speaker 1: or isn't for you. You are in charge of that,

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Speaker 1: and you can have the help of humans, support of

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Speaker 1: humans and therapists and professionals, but I cannot tell you

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Speaker 1: exactly what would be traumatic for you. This is based

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Speaker 1: again on your own background, your unique makeup, in your temperament,

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Speaker 1: and again you might experience in that trauma might manifests

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Speaker 1: in an individual way. There's a lot of very interesting

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Speaker 1: and eye catching videos and posts out there saying that

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Speaker 1: if you do this, you probably have had experienced this,

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Speaker 1: and honestly, maybe not. Sometimes we procrastinate because we do.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes we are just lazy. Sometimes we don't like authority

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Speaker 1: just because we don't. There doesn't always have to be

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Speaker 1: a reason for everything. Sometimes it can be attached to some,

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Speaker 1: but not always. And I really liked this post that

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Speaker 1: a listener sent me and I want to read it

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Speaker 1: to you guys. And her post says the picture. It says,

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Speaker 1: all traumas are injuries, but not all injuries are traumatic.

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Speaker 1: And she was actually talking about the same post I

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Speaker 1: was talking about from at Therapy for Women. I really

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Speaker 1: like what she wrote in her caption. She said, it's

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Speaker 1: important to note that while not all trauma is a

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Speaker 1: result of an emotional injury, not all emotional injuries are traumatic,

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Speaker 1: and our pain is always valid. Whether or not something

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Speaker 1: counts as trauma doesn't in any way negate or experience

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Speaker 1: or diminish our pain, and pain does not equal trauma.

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Speaker 1: And then she's a disclaimer. No one gets to tell

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Speaker 1: you that your pain is or isn't trauma. You get

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Speaker 1: to decide. An even better question is to ask, rather

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Speaker 1: than is this trauma? Is? Regardless of whether or not

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Speaker 1: this is trauma, what do I need right now to

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Speaker 1: feel safe and feel seen and feel supported? I thought

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Speaker 1: that was awesome, and I really agree with everything that

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Speaker 1: she said in that post. And I want to kind

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Speaker 1: of wrap this up by saying, hear me say, I'm

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Speaker 1: not here to invalidate anyone's experience. If you tell me

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Speaker 1: some that stubbing your toe on the corner of a

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Speaker 1: couch was traumatic for you, I'm not here to say

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Speaker 1: that it wasn't. I'm not in charge of that. I'm

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Speaker 1: actually here to say it isn't anybody's job to define

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Speaker 1: what trauma is for you. And I know it has

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Speaker 1: been so helpful for so many people, like I said,

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Speaker 1: to be opened up to the idea that little t

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Speaker 1: trauma does exist and that there are things that you

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Speaker 1: didn't realize could have affected you and that really have.

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Speaker 1: And honestly, like so much shame as really has been

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Speaker 1: released because of that, and so much healing has begun

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Speaker 1: because of these realizations, and I am so grateful for that.

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Speaker 1: But we really do have to be careful one, uh,

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Speaker 1: telling other people what their experiences, and two we need

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Speaker 1: to be careful about why we are putting certain information

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Speaker 1: out there and why we are also attracted to certain information.

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Speaker 1: Attracted this because it is trendy or oh how it

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Speaker 1: was like eye catching or my posting this because I

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Speaker 1: know it's going to get a lot of light because

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Speaker 1: and I know, but is this my information to be

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Speaker 1: giving out? And what do I even know about this information?

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Speaker 1: And here's not a point I want to add. I

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Speaker 1: struggle even saying this, but for some reason, I feel

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Speaker 1: like it's necessary to say. I believe that while our

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Speaker 1: traumatic experiences are not our fault, oftentimes it then becomes

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Speaker 1: our responsibility to do the healing. Nobody's going to do

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Speaker 1: that work for us. Nobody can, and it sucks and

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Speaker 1: it's so hard, and it's it's not fair. But I

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Speaker 1: wanted to say that because at the same time that

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Speaker 1: I believe that I can't go around just throwing that

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Speaker 1: statement around, period and then moving on, because what I

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Speaker 1: just said could be really harmful to someone who has

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Speaker 1: been struggling to heal. When it comes to trauma. Most times,

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Speaker 1: it's not that simple, like it's not black and white,

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Speaker 1: like I said in the beginning, there's too much gray

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Speaker 1: area around for me to make blanket statements like that

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Speaker 1: and then have no follow up to it, because there

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Speaker 1: are always different factors at stake that affect a person's

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Speaker 1: ability to heal again, resources, their mental health, before their

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Speaker 1: mental health, during their mental health, after the ability for

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Speaker 1: them to have support, the awareness of what's going on, manipulation.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it can be like blaming someone for not

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Speaker 1: leaving an abusive relationship, that their abuses now their fault

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Speaker 1: because they won't leave. That happens all the time, all

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Speaker 1: the time. And if you don't believe that, you've probably

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Speaker 1: been in conversations and not even notice that somebody made

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Speaker 1: a comment that suggests that. And here's the thing. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: a lot of times it's our responsibility to leave a

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Speaker 1: relationship that is abusive in whatever way. At the same time,

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Speaker 1: not everybody has the same ability to leave it. Really

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Speaker 1: can that person leave? Are they being threatened, do they

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Speaker 1: have resources, do they have support? Are they brainwashed? Are

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Speaker 1: they being brainwashed by their abuser or their partner? Like

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Speaker 1: we don't know enough information to just say something like that.

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Speaker 1: It can just be damaging and invalidating and in simplify

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Speaker 1: that mean and negligent. So all of that information to

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Speaker 1: say there is my long winded short way because at

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Speaker 1: the same time I did kind of give you cliff

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Speaker 1: notes as much as I could as my way to

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Speaker 1: explain what is trauma? Now, with all of that being said,

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Speaker 1: this kind of wraps up my short, long winded way

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Speaker 1: to express and explain what trauma is. And when it

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Speaker 1: really comes down to it, I can tell you what

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Speaker 1: it looks like, I can tell you what it might be.

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Speaker 1: I can tell you what sometimes it is, but I

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Speaker 1: can't tell you exactly what it is for you because

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Speaker 1: we are different humans. And I can't tell you exactly

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Speaker 1: what it's going to manifest as because we are different people.

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Speaker 1: And I can't tell you exactly how to heal from

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Speaker 1: it because we are different people. I can tell you

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Speaker 1: examples of all of those things and ideas of all

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Speaker 1: those things, but when it comes down to it, it

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Speaker 1: can be individualized. So I feel like now I'm repeating

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Speaker 1: myself because I really just want to, you know, bring

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Speaker 1: that point home. But I hope that was helpful for

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Speaker 1: some of you guys that might have been left a

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Speaker 1: little bit confused, and I hope it opened your eyes

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Speaker 1: a little bit more to exactly what this thing is

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Speaker 1: that is being tossed all over the interwebs these days,

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Speaker 1: And if you want to learn more about it, I

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Speaker 1: really recommend you reading books like The Body Keeps to

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Speaker 1: score or waking the tiger or I mean there's a

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Speaker 1: million of them, so I can put a list up

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Speaker 1: on Instagram for you guys. I'll do a highlight resource

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Speaker 1: book list for you guys because I think that might

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Speaker 1: be really helpful to get information from where we want

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Speaker 1: to get the information. So I hope you guys have

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Speaker 1: the day you need to have. I'm only doing one

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Speaker 1: question because I took a lot of time for today's

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Speaker 1: episode to answer that because I thought it was important.

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Speaker 1: So if you guys have any questions, you can email

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Speaker 1: me at Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can follow the podcast at you Need Therapy Podcast.

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Speaker 1: You can follow me at cat dot de fata, and

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Speaker 1: I will put up the resource list on my highlights

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Speaker 1: so you can find that there. Go have the day

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Speaker 1: you need to have, and I will be back Monday

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Speaker 1: for an episode that I have been waiting for for

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Speaker 1: a very long time. I'm really excited. It's a highlight

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Speaker 1: for sure, okay ye