WEBVTT - ANXIETY AND STUFF 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:01.720 Hey, gek, how's it going? 0:00:02.800 --> 0:00:05.480 You know, man, it's going all right. Uh. I think 0:00:05.680 --> 0:00:11.000 I started off this recording session with a lot of 0:00:11.160 --> 0:00:14.480 energy because but it's it's kind of I feel like 0:00:14.520 --> 0:00:16.959 I'm crashing a little bit. Has ever happened to you? 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:24.079 Yeah, yeah, I I've been crashing a lot lately. Like 0:00:25.400 --> 0:00:30.080 I I don't know. It was definitely an after college 0:00:30.320 --> 0:00:34.840 type deal where I just I feel pooped a lot 0:00:34.840 --> 0:00:35.400 of the time. 0:00:35.479 --> 0:00:40.960 But yeah, yeah, so tell me what is it you 0:00:40.960 --> 0:00:45.360 wanted to talk about. 0:00:45.680 --> 0:00:50.440 Well, there's a few things, I guess right now, I 0:00:50.479 --> 0:00:56.200 am like pretty I am pretty depressed, I would say, 0:00:57.960 --> 0:01:01.720 but like there are things that I, like I should 0:01:01.720 --> 0:01:04.720 be happy about. I mean, shit, I'm happy to be 0:01:04.760 --> 0:01:07.040 talking to you right now, to be honest. But uh 0:01:09.120 --> 0:01:15.160 also have some O c D that drags me down 0:01:15.440 --> 0:01:20.880 a lot during the day. And it's just like filled 0:01:20.920 --> 0:01:24.840 with a lot of intrusive thoughts, a lot of like 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:32.560 i'd like it's more like compulsions too to my thoughts, 0:01:32.600 --> 0:01:36.120 because like O c D is like more towards reassurance, 0:01:37.040 --> 0:01:41.080 Like you have to consistently like reassure yourself a lot 0:01:41.080 --> 0:01:44.840 of the time, and it just takes up like hours 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:50.960 of my day and like I could be doing more too, 0:01:52.000 --> 0:01:56.160 do better about it, but it's just it's been really hard. 0:01:56.280 --> 0:01:57.200 It's been really hard. 0:01:57.760 --> 0:01:59.880 What do you? What do you? What are you attempting to? 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:06.720 You assure yourself of on a daily basis. 0:02:05.080 --> 0:02:08.920 That I'm a good person. That uh I'm like, uh, 0:02:10.120 --> 0:02:12.120 like I'm a good guy. I know I'm a good guy, 0:02:12.200 --> 0:02:14.880 but it's like a lot of the times it's like 0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:20.040 I'm a good person. And then also this is like 0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:23.480 a weird one because when I was like very young, 0:02:23.680 --> 0:02:30.720 like MYOCD started with like you know, intrusive thoughts, you know, 0:02:30.919 --> 0:02:34.440 just like really weird ones. And then like it also 0:02:34.560 --> 0:02:37.960 it almost became a compulsion to like step on cracks 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:45.600 on the sidewalk. And now it's like now it's like, oh, 0:02:45.680 --> 0:02:52.120 I can't use my left leg, and it's like, hey, Willhelm, 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:55.600 you can use your left leg, like you can walk, 0:02:55.680 --> 0:02:59.480 you can use it. And it's starting to get out 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:02.080 of hand where it's like a compulsion of just like 0:03:03.000 --> 0:03:07.959 not using my left leg. And it sounds like crazy 0:03:08.400 --> 0:03:11.800 because like that's what OCD does to you. It's like, 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:15.520 you know, you just constantly reassure yourself when you feel 0:03:15.560 --> 0:03:18.240 like you're going in in a in a spiral, in 0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:26.040 a cycle, and yeah, so like it's sometimes it's like 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:32.040 I don't feel like I'm like balanced, Like I like 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:36.840 it's like a reassurance of like my body is like balanced. 0:03:37.800 --> 0:03:40.880 But also I think this I think what this really 0:03:40.880 --> 0:03:46.480 stems from is it's like another thing too is uh 0:03:47.120 --> 0:03:50.760 probably I think it stems from like Bobby dysmorphia, to. 0:03:50.760 --> 0:03:56.520 Be honest, Yeah, yeah, well what kind of body. 0:03:59.640 --> 0:04:04.080 I think it's the sense that well, like I was 0:04:04.160 --> 0:04:08.320 like really fit going into college, Like I was a 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:12.600 pretty sick guy. I went to the gym like very regularly, 0:04:13.160 --> 0:04:22.400 and then I like started smoking more wheat, and I 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:24.599 think that's when a lot of the anxiety started to 0:04:25.040 --> 0:04:28.960 was around that corner. So it felt like I had 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:35.400 to go for this perfection. And then this was also 0:04:35.480 --> 0:04:38.479 when COVID started too. This was like around I was 0:04:38.520 --> 0:04:43.240 like a freshman in college, and so there was like 0:04:43.240 --> 0:04:46.080 the built up anxiety of like I need this perfection 0:04:46.480 --> 0:04:51.640 of like my body. And then there's like also like 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:56.880 I don't know, the anxiety from smoking. And then and 0:04:56.920 --> 0:05:00.680 then on top of that, I got cooped up in 0:05:00.720 --> 0:05:04.680 an apartment you know, with some roommates. There were some 0:05:04.760 --> 0:05:11.599 nice guys, but there's just anxiety from that. And it 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:14.640 was like a lot, it was a lot of like 0:05:14.760 --> 0:05:16.800 and during all of that, and sorry to cut you off, 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:18.920 but like during all of that, it was like a 0:05:18.960 --> 0:05:24.680 lot of internalization of like these feelings of anxiety. 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:29.279 I've been. I don't know if the things I've had 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:31.400 to say or in any way, shape or form related 0:05:31.839 --> 0:05:34.840 to what you're talking about, but I think i've been. 0:05:34.880 --> 0:05:40.440 I was today, I was thinking about anxiety because I 0:05:41.200 --> 0:05:45.080 have a lot of anxiety. I think my anxiety has 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:48.920 gotten a lot worse in the past couple of years. 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:54.320 It's maybe like doubled or you know, maybe like times 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:57.279 one point five or whatever. But I think I've always 0:05:57.320 --> 0:06:01.000 had a little bit of anxiety, and I've been thinking 0:06:01.040 --> 0:06:05.760 about it a lot, and I I've realized that, well 0:06:05.800 --> 0:06:11.320 a few things. Anxiety is like a is a it's 0:06:11.320 --> 0:06:15.359 like a thirst for control. I think like like like 0:06:15.400 --> 0:06:18.200 there's a weird comfort. There's a weird comfort and anxiety 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:22.520 and it makes you, uh feel like you're in a way, 0:06:22.520 --> 0:06:24.320 it feels like it guides you. Like I don't know 0:06:24.360 --> 0:06:26.920 if you've ever experienced and I think maybe you alluded 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:32.279 to this a little bit, that there's like a like 0:06:32.320 --> 0:06:34.719 when you're not being productive or you're not like moving 0:06:34.760 --> 0:06:38.800 your life forward in a meaningful way, Uh, it makes 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:42.960 you anxious and in that way, and that anxiety, even 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:47.160 though it's it doesn't make it makes that anxiety is 0:06:47.200 --> 0:06:53.880 weirdly like holding you accountable to do more with your life. 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:57.839 But it's a weird paradoxical thing because on one hand, 0:06:58.720 --> 0:07:01.960 you could say that you're anxiety is helping to light 0:07:02.000 --> 0:07:04.080 a fire under your ass to keep moving your life 0:07:04.080 --> 0:07:07.920 forward productively, but it all but it also is making 0:07:08.320 --> 0:07:12.560 the version of your life that you're currently living worse 0:07:13.200 --> 0:07:18.920 because you're uncomfortable all the time. And so I don't know, 0:07:19.000 --> 0:07:22.400 but I don't I'm not gonna say if these are 0:07:22.440 --> 0:07:24.160 good things or bad things. I'm trying to let my 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:29.800 anxiety go because after a while I do feel like, oh, 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:32.480 if I'm like I use my anxiety to protect myself, 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:35.520 you know, like like if I'm if I'm always anxious 0:07:35.520 --> 0:07:38.520 that something really bad is going to happen to me 0:07:40.000 --> 0:07:42.680 in some weird form, I think subconsciously, I feel like 0:07:43.240 --> 0:07:46.800 my anxiety that something really bad is going to happen 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:52.360 to me is protecting me from the bad thing, because 0:07:52.360 --> 0:07:54.960 if I let my guard down for just a second 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:57.160 and if I throw my anxiety away, if I put 0:07:57.200 --> 0:07:59.480 it away, that's when the bad thing is going to strike, 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:01.760 and my guard is gonna be down. I'm not gonna 0:08:01.800 --> 0:08:05.280 be protected but U And so I've been thinking about 0:08:05.280 --> 0:08:07.440 that a lot because I would love to be less anxious. 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:11.240 It would make my life better. And I think I'm 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:16.600 slowly starting to arrive at a point where I'm gonna 0:08:16.640 --> 0:08:19.400 I'm gonna try one of my Like I know this 0:08:19.480 --> 0:08:21.440 is thinking very far ahead, but one of my twenty 0:08:21.480 --> 0:08:26.200 twenty five goals is to like let go of my 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:30.760 anxiety and just like see what life is like if 0:08:30.800 --> 0:08:37.920 I let my guard down and just accept the circumstances 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:42.679 of life instead of always trying to be on a defensive. 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:46.600 And I'm really excited for that. I don't know why 0:08:46.600 --> 0:08:49.400 I've I don't know. I don't know why I've chosen 0:08:51.120 --> 0:08:53.040 twenty twenty five to do that. I don't know why 0:08:53.040 --> 0:08:55.079 I can't just do that right fucking now. It's because 0:08:55.080 --> 0:08:59.360 I'm just procrastinating because I'm scared. But it's weird, I 0:08:59.360 --> 0:09:01.840 think anxiety. I think I I could definitely write a 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:06.000 long list of ways in which my anxiety has helped me. 0:09:06.600 --> 0:09:09.240 But I could write a really long wait list of 0:09:09.760 --> 0:09:15.400 ways in which anxiety has just made my life uh suck. 0:09:15.800 --> 0:09:17.440 And I know and by the way I know anxiety, 0:09:17.480 --> 0:09:18.960 I know that that what I'm talking about is very 0:09:18.960 --> 0:09:22.400 differently from like O c D. Specifically, I know OCD 0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:28.959 is a very specific kind of anxiety. But I I 0:09:29.200 --> 0:09:32.280 I'm not a fucking I'm a dude in a gecko 0:09:32.320 --> 0:09:36.720 costume who's just who's experienced anxiety. And I'm anecdotally making 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:41.960 these conclusions. But for me, if it's it's definitely a 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:45.120 control thing. It's definitely a control thing. And if I'm 0:09:45.160 --> 0:09:49.199 letting go of that control, I'm what else do I have. 0:09:49.360 --> 0:09:53.040 I'm I'm naked, I'm bare, my supple body is exposed 0:09:53.080 --> 0:09:54.559 to the to the world. 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:55.200 You know. 0:09:56.840 --> 0:09:58.079 Yeah, I don't know if thats. 0:09:59.440 --> 0:10:04.760 No, it does because like I I agree on, I 0:10:04.800 --> 0:10:09.520 agree on like the seeking of control because like you know, 0:10:09.600 --> 0:10:13.040 when like I, so, here's crazy thing Like when I 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:16.480 was little, I told you about the cracks, right, and 0:10:18.640 --> 0:10:22.760 this was like I don't know, probably like early middle school, 0:10:22.800 --> 0:10:26.079 and this, uh, this had gone on for a summer, 0:10:26.240 --> 0:10:29.640 like I would I would have to touch this crack. 0:10:29.760 --> 0:10:32.280 I felt like I had to touch this crack or 0:10:32.440 --> 0:10:35.439 you know if I even man. It was hard waking 0:10:35.480 --> 0:10:38.040 up in the morning because I had like blue carpet 0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:41.680 in my room, and the blue carpet would change to 0:10:41.760 --> 0:10:45.800 a blonde carpet into the hallway. So there's like that 0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:49.280 line that crack between the door leaning to the hallway 0:10:49.280 --> 0:10:52.640 in my room, and I'd have to touch it every day, 0:10:53.320 --> 0:10:56.480 and and it was a constant spiral of like I 0:10:56.520 --> 0:11:00.720 need to, I need to, I need touch that because 0:11:00.760 --> 0:11:05.160 I have to remind myself that that I don't have 0:11:05.240 --> 0:11:07.400 to do that, so I need to show an example 0:11:07.480 --> 0:11:11.720 of you know me, you know, being able to walk 0:11:11.760 --> 0:11:13.680 through and like, you know, if I touch it, it'll 0:11:13.760 --> 0:11:16.720 keep me safe. And you know, it went on for 0:11:16.840 --> 0:11:20.880 three months, and you know, I didn't I didn't seek help, 0:11:20.960 --> 0:11:27.000 which I should have, but I woke up one day 0:11:27.240 --> 0:11:31.400 in my little tights car bed and I said, fuck this, 0:11:32.320 --> 0:11:35.400 and I walked past the crack and it felt like 0:11:35.880 --> 0:11:39.000 a lot. I felt like a lot of anxiety at first, 0:11:39.679 --> 0:11:44.600 but like as the days went on, it did like decrease, 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:51.000 and I eventually like escaped it, and I like, I 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:54.719 think that's what, like, you know, could happen again. I 0:11:55.240 --> 0:11:58.320 know that's what can happen again if I, you know, 0:11:58.520 --> 0:12:02.560 oppose my compole shouldn't and my and my thoughts and 0:12:02.640 --> 0:12:05.760 my anxiety is that if I push through and not, 0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:09.840 like you said, let us you know, be be naked 0:12:10.200 --> 0:12:14.080 to the world. I think, you know, in a in 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:17.480 a I don't know, analogy type way, we'll be able 0:12:17.520 --> 0:12:19.199 to find our clothes again. 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:24.160 Well you ever, you ever, bro, you ever meet you ever? 0:12:24.360 --> 0:12:28.560 You ever meet someone who has no anxiety? You know 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:29.800 you ever meet a person like that? 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:31.560 Yes? 0:12:31.960 --> 0:12:35.280 Yes, And you're just like, and I'm I'm always amazed 0:12:35.280 --> 0:12:37.679 by that. I'm always like, I don't know, I I like, 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:41.320 it's like meeting a It's like a unicorn or something. 0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:45.920 It's like, this is a magical being and look at that. 0:12:46.040 --> 0:12:48.840 They're still alive and we were I think people would like 0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:52.959 And it's a weird thing, right because I think, Okay, 0:12:53.760 --> 0:12:56.520 like I'll just go back to like whatever anxiety of 0:12:56.600 --> 0:12:59.000 not being productive or of not moving your life forward, 0:12:59.440 --> 0:13:06.320 there's a weird paradox where like you're anxious that if 0:13:06.360 --> 0:13:08.679 you don't move your life forward, you're not gonna be happy, 0:13:09.080 --> 0:13:11.959 so you make yourself unhappy so that you can move 0:13:12.000 --> 0:13:15.520 your life forward so that you can be happy. Like 0:13:15.559 --> 0:13:18.120 it's a weird paradox, Whereas when you meet someone with 0:13:18.160 --> 0:13:24.840 no anxiety, they're just naturally okay and happy because they're 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:27.280 fucking because they're living in the moment. That's what makes 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:32.679 people happy. I think it's naturally okay. And every time 0:13:32.720 --> 0:13:34.640 I see that, I'm like, I had to fag you 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:38.680 get there, And I don't know, I really I wonder 0:13:38.720 --> 0:13:42.440 this a lot. Is like people who are like that, 0:13:42.520 --> 0:13:47.120 did they Was there a process they underwent in which 0:13:47.160 --> 0:13:54.319 they consciously decided to, through various repetitions, throw their anxiety 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:56.840 to the curb so that that became the natural mode 0:13:56.880 --> 0:14:00.280 of thinking. Or were they just born that way? Most 0:14:00.280 --> 0:14:03.800 of them are probably just born that way. Probably, But 0:14:03.960 --> 0:14:09.360 that doesn't mean that one cannot, through repetitions, become a 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:13.840 less anxious person. And then also and not by the way, 0:14:13.880 --> 0:14:16.719 that's the internal side of it. There's also the external 0:14:16.760 --> 0:14:20.640 side of it. If you, I think, if you've experienced, 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:23.480 if things are going well in your external life, it 0:14:23.560 --> 0:14:28.400 is easier to be less anxious, And then the inverse 0:14:28.600 --> 0:14:30.480 is true. 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:34.360 Do you think like your ego gets in the way 0:14:34.640 --> 0:14:39.200 of like I don't know if it's like an ego 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:42.240 of like, you know, like for me, it's definitely not 0:14:42.280 --> 0:14:45.440 an ego of like not seeking help. It's like I 0:14:45.520 --> 0:14:48.000 can do this, like I can get through it. And 0:14:48.040 --> 0:14:50.720 then it's like I get anxious and then I get 0:14:50.760 --> 0:14:57.560 lost in spiraling thoughts and compulsion and like I don't 0:14:57.600 --> 0:15:02.200 know if that's like like a like I don't know, 0:15:02.480 --> 0:15:06.680 like I guess, like for me, like you mentioned you 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:10.320 know that person who you know used to be happy, 0:15:10.840 --> 0:15:14.280 or you mentioned a person who is a happy, go 0:15:14.320 --> 0:15:17.680 lucky person and you know they live like in the 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:21.560 moments and you're like, holy shit, like how did that happen? 0:15:21.680 --> 0:15:26.200 And it's like for me, it's like I used to 0:15:26.520 --> 0:15:27.960 like be that person. 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:32.480 And sorry, I don't want to cut you. I don't 0:15:32.480 --> 0:15:33.720 want to cut you. I don't sorry, I don't want 0:15:33.720 --> 0:15:36.480 to cut you off. But your phone is being shitty? 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:38.280 Is there anything that you can do to make it not? 0:15:38.640 --> 0:15:40.800 Oh? 0:15:41.440 --> 0:15:44.880 Here in one second, Okay, we don't We don't have 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:46.680 to cut this part out of the podcast. We can 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:52.760 keep this, we can keep this in. Let's keep this technically, yes, yes, 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:54.680 go I don't know why I want to keep it in, 0:15:54.720 --> 0:15:57.680 but I just it's something about it feels nice. Let's 0:15:57.720 --> 0:16:02.760 keep this particular tech glare. Okay, you were saying you 0:16:02.800 --> 0:16:04.960 were talking about the idea of a happy, go lucky person. 0:16:05.040 --> 0:16:10.800 Yes, yeah, yeah, and like I used to be that person, 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:11.560 like growing up. 0:16:12.400 --> 0:16:16.120 Oh so you went the other way around? 0:16:17.120 --> 0:16:22.120 Yeah, yeah, I went the other way around here. One second, Yeah, 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:26.240 I went the other way around, and like, yeah, I 0:16:26.360 --> 0:16:30.760 was very happy, go lucky. And part of my I 0:16:30.800 --> 0:16:34.720 think OCD or anxiety is like I want that back, 0:16:35.160 --> 0:16:40.640 Like I'm trying to reassure myself, like hey, like if 0:16:40.720 --> 0:16:42.520 you just do this, I'll get this back. And then 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:45.760 it's like one little small mistake and it's like, oh 0:16:45.800 --> 0:16:48.800 my gosh, it's it's it's over or it's not over. 0:16:49.280 --> 0:16:53.360 Well, okay, so why did it hold on? Well, so 0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:56.360 you say you used to be okay, you used to 0:16:56.400 --> 0:16:59.200 be a person who had less anxiety, and now your 0:16:59.240 --> 0:17:02.880 person has more anxiety, and you you're correct pining and 0:17:02.920 --> 0:17:05.400 now you're pining for the past where you had less anxiety. 0:17:05.600 --> 0:17:07.359 Why do you think you have more anxiety? 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:22.280 Now? That is a good question, I think, uh m 0:17:22.440 --> 0:17:34.840 hm uh it might be a speaking of control because 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:39.399 I feel like this is like a consistent theme with 0:17:39.640 --> 0:17:43.960 like you know, going after that that past of like 0:17:44.000 --> 0:17:47.560 the happy go lucky self, going after this perfection. I 0:17:47.640 --> 0:17:54.640 actually lose what I had by going after it, and 0:17:55.160 --> 0:17:58.159 I you know, I don't know. I think, well, i'll 0:17:58.200 --> 0:18:02.879 tell you what my my is that because of my 0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:08.200 you know, when this started about you know, going after 0:18:08.280 --> 0:18:12.200 this this body, this perfect type or not even perfect type, 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:15.800 just like a very lean body, because I want to 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:19.920 be an actor and I want to, you know, go 0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:22.600 into movies. And you know, I got caught up with 0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:28.000 you know, looking a certain way and going after this 0:18:28.800 --> 0:18:35.400 you know, this this body type. And you know, I 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:38.560 I think it was I think partially it was that's 0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:44.040 going after something that's on it, Like you know this 0:18:44.200 --> 0:18:46.720 thing that you see through this the screen, you know, 0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:48.440 it's it's it's unattainable. 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:51.879 So you're you're part of part of your anxiety has 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:54.760 increased because well let me ask you that, how old 0:18:54.760 --> 0:18:54.960 are you? 0:18:57.080 --> 0:18:58.440 Uh, I'm twenty three. 0:18:59.240 --> 0:19:03.800 Okay, And this time period that this narrative that you 0:19:03.880 --> 0:19:06.520 were less, that you were a happy, go lucky person, 0:19:06.600 --> 0:19:08.920 now you're not. When were you this so called happy, 0:19:08.960 --> 0:19:09.760 go lucky person. 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:18.800 I'd say the last time was probably senior year of 0:19:18.880 --> 0:19:21.679 high school, freshman year of college. 0:19:22.240 --> 0:19:26.280 Okay, so few, yeah, okay, because part of me feels yeah, 0:19:26.320 --> 0:19:28.080 go ahead, or. 0:19:28.320 --> 0:19:29.920 I just want to give you more of a time frame. 0:19:30.880 --> 0:19:37.520 The my first semester of college, no going into the 0:19:37.560 --> 0:19:40.560 spring break of my second semester of my freshman year 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:45.000 of college is when COVID hit. But that's just I 0:19:45.000 --> 0:19:46.480 don't know, I don't know why I need to mention that, 0:19:46.560 --> 0:19:49.080 but there's some time frame for you, I guess. 0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:54.240 Anyways, what were you Yeah, okay, so well I was 0:19:54.400 --> 0:19:57.600 going to Okay, I actually take back what I was 0:19:57.640 --> 0:19:59.199 going to say that. 0:19:59.320 --> 0:20:01.560 I think just growing up gives you a little bit more, 0:20:01.760 --> 0:20:04.800 just gives you more anxiety. There's more responsibilities I was 0:20:04.840 --> 0:20:06.800 talking about. My mom told me that because I told 0:20:06.840 --> 0:20:08.719 her I was anxious, and she she was like, well, 0:20:08.720 --> 0:20:11.800 I think part of it is just yeah, when you 0:20:11.840 --> 0:20:15.920 become an adult, you just have more shit you got 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:23.040 to deal with, though not inherently, I mean maybe inherently. 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:24.320 I mean you got to figure out a way to eat, 0:20:24.320 --> 0:20:25.560 and you gotta figure out a way to not You 0:20:25.600 --> 0:20:28.080 just gotta figure out and not die. That's the and 0:20:28.640 --> 0:20:32.120 not dying gets a little bit harder when you become 0:20:32.160 --> 0:20:35.120 an adult because for most of your life other there's 0:20:35.160 --> 0:20:37.679 a lot of other people around you making sure that 0:20:37.720 --> 0:20:40.440 you don't die. And then as you get older, less 0:20:40.440 --> 0:20:44.680 and less people try to make sure that you don't die. 0:20:44.680 --> 0:20:47.960 And then you get really old, and then you and 0:20:48.000 --> 0:20:49.680 then you go into a hospital and then again, and 0:20:49.760 --> 0:20:52.040 then you're again there's other people making sure you don't die, 0:20:52.080 --> 0:20:56.040 but then you're more likely to actually die. I don't 0:20:56.040 --> 0:20:56.600 know if that makes you. 0:20:56.600 --> 0:21:02.200 Feel like it yeah, it's like a maybe it's sorry. Well, 0:21:02.760 --> 0:21:09.359 maybe it's like losing. I don't know that it wasn't like, 0:21:09.480 --> 0:21:11.480 you know, I wasn't a crazy kid. 0:21:11.480 --> 0:21:14.520 It was like I'm invincible. I can withstand fire and 0:21:14.720 --> 0:21:17.600 cars and whatever. But you know, there's that type of 0:21:17.720 --> 0:21:21.560 like feeling. I don't know, at least for me when 0:21:21.600 --> 0:21:24.879 I was a kid, where I was like, oh, wow, 0:21:24.920 --> 0:21:27.919 it's gonna be a great day, Like it's gonna I 0:21:28.040 --> 0:21:28.520 can't wait. 0:21:28.560 --> 0:21:29.760 So what happens today? 0:21:30.200 --> 0:21:33.439 Okay, yeah, let's talk about that. So when you were 0:21:33.440 --> 0:21:36.000 a kid, you had a feeling that it was a 0:21:36.040 --> 0:21:37.720 great that you woke up and you were like Oh, 0:21:37.720 --> 0:21:38.960 it's a great day. I can't wait to see what 0:21:38.960 --> 0:21:39.639 happens today. 0:21:40.880 --> 0:21:42.680 No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0:21:42.760 --> 0:21:44.879 You know, dude, I really want to be able to 0:21:44.880 --> 0:21:48.240 describe this feel. I had this feeling last night. I 0:21:48.280 --> 0:21:53.879 had this feeling last night that like everything was gonna 0:21:54.040 --> 0:21:59.199 be okay. And I think I had been searching for 0:21:59.280 --> 0:22:03.040 that feeling externally, and that feeling is not permanent. It's 0:22:03.040 --> 0:22:04.960 gonna fade and I'm gonna go and say tomorrow, But 0:22:05.720 --> 0:22:08.200 I just like I had that feel. I had that feeling, 0:22:08.880 --> 0:22:13.760 and I really I felt it deep. I felt calm, 0:22:14.080 --> 0:22:18.080 and I was like, epiphanies aren't permanent. They that you 0:22:18.160 --> 0:22:22.119 have to have them multiple times over and over again. 0:22:22.880 --> 0:22:24.840 But I had this little epiphany where I was like, oh, 0:22:24.960 --> 0:22:30.640 I really do think that all of this is perspective. 0:22:32.400 --> 0:22:41.959 I have nothing to envy about anyone else. I'm gonna 0:22:42.520 --> 0:22:44.920 be alright in and of myself. 0:22:46.200 --> 0:22:46.360 Uh. 0:22:47.359 --> 0:22:49.840 I just I don't know. I just adopted this perspective 0:22:50.560 --> 0:22:56.760 that I don't need to be fucking anxious all the time. 0:22:56.800 --> 0:22:58.840 And I just felt it. I felt it, and I 0:22:58.840 --> 0:23:01.639 felt like I could get there it just in my 0:23:01.720 --> 0:23:07.720 own brain. And so when you say when I was 0:23:07.760 --> 0:23:15.760 a child, I woke up and life was exciting and 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:21.680 I was looking forward to things. I do believe that 0:23:21.800 --> 0:23:27.760 that feeling that you're envious of your childhood's self about 0:23:28.920 --> 0:23:33.479 is yeah, is accessible to you, and you can just 0:23:34.080 --> 0:23:41.639 kind of I know, I understand the the inkling to 0:23:41.680 --> 0:23:44.439 believe that this is total bullshit, because some days I 0:23:44.560 --> 0:23:46.280 do believe in it and some days I don't. But 0:23:46.400 --> 0:23:49.639 I kind of do believe that anytime you want, you 0:23:49.720 --> 0:23:55.800 can just decide to feel that way. M Yeah, some 0:23:55.920 --> 0:23:59.560 days it's going to be more difficult to make that decision, 0:23:59.600 --> 0:24:03.040 and other days it'll come a bit more easy to you. 0:24:03.560 --> 0:24:07.200 But I do fundamentally believe that life. 0:24:08.880 --> 0:24:09.680 Is uh. 0:24:10.640 --> 0:24:12.600 I don't always feel this way. I'm feeling this way 0:24:12.600 --> 0:24:14.479 in this moment right now as I'm talking about all 0:24:14.480 --> 0:24:22.680 this stuff to you, But at my best, I'm operating 0:24:23.920 --> 0:24:27.760 from a place that life is just about perspective, and 0:24:29.160 --> 0:24:31.840 I think you can decide, you can just decide. I 0:24:33.080 --> 0:24:35.439 know this is I get where, but I think I 0:24:35.480 --> 0:24:38.879 can just decide for me personally. I feel like on 0:24:39.040 --> 0:24:41.280 there are certain days I can just decide to not 0:24:41.359 --> 0:24:44.879 be anxious, and I can decide I'm going to enjoy life, 0:24:45.280 --> 0:24:48.760 and I can decide to be optimistic, and I kind 0:24:48.760 --> 0:24:51.760 of have that. I have that choice every day, and again, 0:24:51.800 --> 0:24:54.159 sometimes it's easier to make sometimes it's not, depending on 0:24:54.280 --> 0:24:58.480 what's going on around me. But I kind I really 0:24:58.520 --> 0:25:00.000 just think that every day of the choice is here. 0:25:01.080 --> 0:25:03.280 I don't know if that means anything. 0:25:03.160 --> 0:25:10.400 No, no, no, yeah, yeah, that's that's pretty helpful. I 0:25:10.400 --> 0:25:14.800 I agree, because like, you know, uh, this childhood self 0:25:14.800 --> 0:25:20.600 of mine, like I I didn't care well like you know, 0:25:20.680 --> 0:25:24.959 if you know, I I didn't care if like someone 0:25:25.119 --> 0:25:28.480 called me names at school, or if kids tease me, 0:25:28.760 --> 0:25:33.159 or you know, if I you know, I don't know, 0:25:33.400 --> 0:25:38.880 uh did bad for an audition or I embarrassed myself, 0:25:39.080 --> 0:25:41.320 like I mean, of course I'm human. Like I felt, 0:25:41.800 --> 0:25:44.159 you know, maybe embarrassed in the moment or like I 0:25:44.240 --> 0:25:46.439 was like, oh man, that was kind of mean, you 0:25:46.480 --> 0:25:48.560 know whatever, But then I was like, oh, oh, well, 0:25:48.680 --> 0:25:51.080 like you know, like hey, let's let's go over here 0:25:51.119 --> 0:25:55.480 and see what happens and you know, have some fun. 0:25:56.240 --> 0:25:59.600 And I think also, I think a reason I had 0:25:59.640 --> 0:26:03.640 this personerspective when I was young is my parents are 0:26:04.720 --> 0:26:11.359 much older. When when I was a little kid, I 0:26:11.440 --> 0:26:15.760 kind of just like I thought to myself, like oh 0:26:15.760 --> 0:26:18.600