Speaker 1: If you are in a relationship or married, look to
Speaker 1: your left for tier right wherever your partner is.
Speaker 2: That person will not be the same tomorrow.
Speaker 3: Dead ass. And if your spouse does not change, I'd
Speaker 3: be worried.
Speaker 2: Deadass.
Speaker 3: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoued, and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 2: You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 3: With our voice and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 3: form of therapy.
Speaker 2: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 3: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 2: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 3: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and I think about the truth.
Speaker 2: Were about to take philosoff to our whole new level.
Speaker 3: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 2: Story time.
Speaker 1: So I could have picked a lot of different stories,
Speaker 1: a whole lot of different stories. But I want to
Speaker 1: go back to two thousand and nine. I had just
Speaker 1: got cut from the Browns and we were playing in
Speaker 1: the wedding. Andy K was still you know, she's believing
Speaker 1: to me, so, oh, you get picked up on another team.
Speaker 1: I looked over at K and I said, I don't
Speaker 1: want to play football no more. She said huh. I
Speaker 1: said I don't want to play football no more? And
Speaker 1: she said why And I was just like, I'm tired
Speaker 1: of doing this and it's hard to get back in
Speaker 1: the NFL.
Speaker 2: And she was like, what about Canada, what about Ariata?
Speaker 1: There's so many different options, and I was like yo,
Speaker 1: I said I don't want to play football anymore. Like
Speaker 1: I made it decision, I don't want to play And
Speaker 1: after about ten seconds of her looking.
Speaker 2: At me, she said, okay, so what are we doing next?
Speaker 1: And in that moment I realized I got a rider
Speaker 1: because she's not trying to hold me to what she
Speaker 1: thinks I should be. She's gonna rock with me no
Speaker 1: matter I do what I want to do or not.
Speaker 1: So I love you.
Speaker 3: Now. Look karaoke time, this song came to mind. We
Speaker 3: have two versions of it, though I'm gonna go ahead
Speaker 3: with the you know the way it came out.
Speaker 2: The fun thing is I only know the reggae version.
Speaker 3: Are you serious? It's so funny you definitely grow flat flat?
Speaker 3: All right, Well, I was sing the version that I
Speaker 3: know and that you can't. Okay, go ahead, you can
Speaker 3: follow suit. Changes up. I ain't going through cause I
Speaker 3: want to be with you baby. Don't you wanna be
Speaker 3: with me?
Speaker 2: Boom boom boom?
Speaker 3: Changes up? Because I want a baby? Baby? What you
Speaker 3: want to be with me?
Speaker 2: O operation? I don't even know, Like that's the only
Speaker 2: version I know.
Speaker 3: That's the fact.
Speaker 2: What's who sings the original R and B version?
Speaker 3: Who was that? It sounds marriage? I don't even know
Speaker 3: who sings that.
Speaker 2: I don't think it's married though, No it doesn't.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I remember who it is.
Speaker 1: We aging ourselves, you know, Anita Baker. I think it's
Speaker 1: a Baker, Patty LaBelle and something wonder Mary Ji, it
Speaker 1: is my wy.
Speaker 2: You don't have a listen?
Speaker 3: What's the four one one?
Speaker 2: See? She don't listen? I told her married four? The
Speaker 2: four one one that was on the four one one.
Speaker 3: I should have known that off the top of my
Speaker 3: head because that was my album. That's like my all
Speaker 3: time most favorite.
Speaker 2: Mary Elmo Well, now.
Speaker 3: Four that was ninety two, ninety two yeah, I.
Speaker 2: Was, what was you sixteen? We're gonna take a break
Speaker 2: right now, are we change?
Speaker 3: His spouse is sucuse that I want to see.
Speaker 1: We're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you about the root time.
Speaker 3: But what was going through my mind when I told
Speaker 3: he lost his chill?
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, we're.
Speaker 3: Back, all right now?
Speaker 2: You really thought I lost? I was like losing my mind.
Speaker 3: To be honest, I thought you were just in the moment,
Speaker 3: defeated by the whole NFL culture the process, not having
Speaker 3: real autonomy over like your future. So I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 3: maybe this is just not the right team for him,
Speaker 3: maybe he needs a new agent. Like I'm just thinking,
Speaker 3: because I just saw how hard you worked through college
Speaker 3: and then to be a walk on, you know, and
Speaker 3: then the Lions, like the pursuit of all of that,
Speaker 3: it just felt like your your path was being cut short. Yeah,
Speaker 3: And I felt like you had so much more to
Speaker 3: give the NFL space. There were records to be broken,
Speaker 3: there were there were touchdowns to be made. You know,
Speaker 3: you didn't even get a chance to make your splash
Speaker 3: in the NFL. And it was almost like for me,
Speaker 3: you weren't able to live out your redemption story. And
Speaker 3: I say redemption story because there were so many people
Speaker 3: counting you out because of your size and because of
Speaker 3: who you were stacked against. You know, people who were
Speaker 3: being drafted in when you were there busting your ass
Speaker 3: every day. So I just felt like I wanted, like
Speaker 3: one good season for you to freak killed it and
Speaker 3: then you move on to the next thing. I just
Speaker 3: feel like your NFL career, you didn't get to really
Speaker 3: give it your all, but it was really only because
Speaker 3: of other people's decisions, not your lack of hard work.
Speaker 3: So as long as you felt content like you had
Speaker 3: given it your all and you didn't feel like you
Speaker 3: were cheating yourself, then I was okay with you moving
Speaker 3: on from that because I was going to support you
Speaker 3: whichever which way you went. So when I met you,
Speaker 3: the NFL and you playing football was never get an
Speaker 3: idea in my mind. So I'm like, all right, well
Speaker 3: that was just the added bonus.
Speaker 1: I'll be honest about that. The NFL was never my dream.
Speaker 1: Like I was content after college being an All American
Speaker 1: and breaking records and being the first receiver to have
Speaker 1: seventy five catches two years in a row, two thousand
Speaker 1: yards over two years and twenty touchdowns. Like I was
Speaker 1: content with football because I always wanted to be in entertainment.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I wanted those stats for you in the NFL.
Speaker 3: I wanted you to be like, yo, I did this,
Speaker 3: I made that, and spending yards that many.
Speaker 1: But you know, no, I feel you. I feel you
Speaker 1: because you see me work so hard to get there.
Speaker 1: But I never saw myself at any point saying like
Speaker 1: I want to win the Super Bowl, I want to
Speaker 1: be an all pro. It was always a means to
Speaker 1: an end. My only goal in the NFL was to
Speaker 1: make enough money so that I didn't have to be
Speaker 1: a starving artist. Once I achieved that, I also feel
Speaker 1: like I lost some reason to play.
Speaker 2: So that's why it was easy for me to just
Speaker 2: walk away, because I knew.
Speaker 1: It's different when you're getting up and you're a walk
Speaker 1: on in college and you got that chip on your shoulder.
Speaker 1: You're getting up extra early to beat everybody, the workouts,
Speaker 1: to get extra working. You know, when you get to
Speaker 1: the NFL and you're a free agent, tryout, you getting
Speaker 1: there early to it proved to people that you made
Speaker 1: it and all that stuff.
Speaker 2: But then you make it.
Speaker 1: And then I only wanted to make a practice squad
Speaker 1: to make one hundred K to buy as a house,
Speaker 1: and I ended up making a two hundred and seventy
Speaker 1: five K because I made the team. So I made it.
Speaker 1: In my second year, I made the team again. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I got hurt, which kind of
Speaker 1: like I think in my second year, if I didn't
Speaker 1: tear my meniscus and my btell attendon, my career would
Speaker 1: have been different because I had the momentum from being
Speaker 1: a free agent rookie that that was carrying me through
Speaker 1: my second season. But also that work ethic and the
Speaker 1: intensity that I put into training is how I got
Speaker 1: hurt because I never rested for two and a half
Speaker 1: years and I ended up tearing my knee. But once
Speaker 1: I did tear my knee, that created the perspective of
Speaker 1: what I really wanted to do. Because when you love
Speaker 1: football so much and that's all you want to do,
Speaker 1: nothing is stopping you from doing that. But when you
Speaker 1: can't play football and you don't miss it, and now
Speaker 1: you have to go back to that routine and there's
Speaker 1: other things you want to do. I wasn't able to
Speaker 1: put in a type of work to make those teams
Speaker 1: the way those other men were like, that's just the bottom.
Speaker 3: Line, because for them that was the that was their passion. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and it wasn't for you. And once I realized that too,
Speaker 3: that's why I'm like, you know, for me, it was
Speaker 3: never about the NFL or whatever money it would have
Speaker 3: provided or stability. It had done what it was it
Speaker 3: needed to do for us. It did give a nice
Speaker 3: little nest egg for the beginning. You know, of course
Speaker 3: that was we were heartbroken when the stock market and
Speaker 3: the recession hit and everything crashed. All that money you
Speaker 3: invested was lost, But it was just part of your story.
Speaker 3: You know, nothing ever came easy to you, so you
Speaker 3: changing paths. The one thing I did have was confidence
Speaker 3: in you that whatever the next thing was all right.
Speaker 1: Because we hear so many women talk about supporting men
Speaker 1: only having potential. To look at, how were you able
Speaker 1: to stay so like steadfast and unyielding in your support
Speaker 1: when all you really had to go off of was
Speaker 1: my potential. It wasn't like I had a bunch of
Speaker 1: contacts in TV or starting training businesses that you knew, Like,
Speaker 1: how were you able to just be like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm going to support him no matter what it is,
Speaker 1: because so many women talk about the horror stories of
Speaker 1: trying to support someone through their own vision that they
Speaker 1: claim is their vision and nothing happens.
Speaker 2: Right, How did you do that? Yeah?
Speaker 3: I guess because I was able to watch you through
Speaker 3: all of college just having that burning desire. There was
Speaker 3: something in your eye. There was the way you spoke
Speaker 3: about things. There was the plan and course of actions
Speaker 3: that you took. It's always having the plan A and
Speaker 3: not really a plan B. But just like yo, in
Speaker 3: the event that I needed to pivot, I could, and
Speaker 3: watching you make the team in college, well when I
Speaker 3: got there, you already made the team, but just really
Speaker 3: fighting for your place, working hard them six am runs
Speaker 3: that you would get up for, and I'm just like, wow,
Speaker 3: he really is relentless in his pursuit of being the
Speaker 3: best football player in this moment. And then your path
Speaker 3: to the NFL, seeing how you worked through that, I mean,
Speaker 3: you had the mental fortitude that I hadn't seen in anybody,
Speaker 3: no pair of mine had that. So I was like, man,
Speaker 3: anything he says he's gonna do, he's gonna put his
Speaker 3: mind too. Because I know I was the same way,
Speaker 3: so it was interesting for me to find somebody who
Speaker 3: I felt like, wow, really matched my intensity with wanting
Speaker 3: to be successful and wanting to say I'm going to
Speaker 3: do this and actually doing it. That was enough for
Speaker 3: me to say, oh, whatever it is he want to do,
Speaker 3: and then of course feeling like we were greater together.
Speaker 3: And it could have been part delusion too, because I
Speaker 3: was just so in love with you, and I was like, yeah,
Speaker 3: it was in part delusion because I'm like, at that age,
Speaker 3: you think you're invincible, you think your husband's invincible. Your
Speaker 3: boyfriend at the time is invisible. So to me it
Speaker 3: was like, all right, well we're all figure it out
Speaker 3: either way. But knowing that I can see those little
Speaker 3: ten bits of you, like it was easy for you
Speaker 3: to be like fuck it, I'm not gonna get up
Speaker 3: and go to run this morning. Oh okay, don't worry
Speaker 3: about it. I'm just say here, I'm not going to
Speaker 3: go to a study hall or whatever. Like you really
Speaker 3: were about your business from a young age. So I
Speaker 3: think it was part seeing that in part freaking just
Speaker 3: being insanely in love with you and being like we
Speaker 3: can tackle whatever it is.
Speaker 1: You just gave me my moment of truth, which is
Speaker 1: crazy because yeah, because everything you said describing me was
Speaker 1: literally how I felt with you, right. And part of
Speaker 1: the reason why I was able to to make pivots
Speaker 1: or changes comfortably was because I knew I had a
Speaker 1: woman that if.
Speaker 2: Shit hit the fan, K can go, Earn, K can go.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like k K does this,
Speaker 1: Like she's she's a worker, you know, Like I watched
Speaker 1: you all of college graduate with honors and be the
Speaker 1: best RA then a D, then RD like you want
Speaker 1: RA the year, A D of the year, r D
Speaker 1: of the year you.
Speaker 2: Got your scholarship.
Speaker 1: So I just knew that whatever it is that you
Speaker 1: wanted to do, you were going to achieve it, no
Speaker 1: matter how difficult it may seem. So I don't want
Speaker 1: to give away my moment of truth, but it was
Speaker 1: in part just using discernment to pick the right part
Speaker 1: that I just know, whatever changes are going to come,
Speaker 1: I can weather right through that change because she's going
Speaker 1: to be successful because I've watched her work. It's like
Speaker 1: faith without works is dead, right, I watched you work.
Speaker 1: You don't just say it, you actually do it right,
Speaker 1: you know, So And.
Speaker 3: Call it a level of delusion or a level of
Speaker 3: faith that we had in each other. It's like at
Speaker 3: that age, I don't know what was. So that's what
Speaker 3: a lot of this for me feels like, this was
Speaker 3: just like a divine connection that we had, because who
Speaker 3: would think that we really were that invested in each
Speaker 3: other at that age to just really still be so
Speaker 3: dedicated to each other at a young age and just
Speaker 3: work together, you know. So that's why I don't shun
Speaker 3: couples now who look at us and they come to
Speaker 3: our live shows and they're like, oh, we're twenty one
Speaker 3: and twenty three or we're done, and we look at
Speaker 3: them like, oh, y'all are babies and y'all have time.
Speaker 3: But you remember, people told us the same thing. They
Speaker 3: told us the same thing. And I think the comfort
Speaker 3: as we're talking about change and supporting your spouse through
Speaker 3: change today, the comfort that I had is regardless of
Speaker 3: the change that we were going through, A, we had
Speaker 3: each other. B We had a plan, see, we had
Speaker 3: the work ethic that we put into motion to make
Speaker 3: it happen, and then ultimately we felt like if it
Speaker 3: didn't work out, we had each other and wanting to
Speaker 3: change and wanting to grow and having dreams and goals
Speaker 3: and like seeing it and then working towards it. That's
Speaker 3: the change you want. Like I said in my sound
Speaker 3: by earlier, if your spouse is not mean to change,
Speaker 3: then what exactly are we doing here?
Speaker 2: This is?
Speaker 1: This is I understand what you're saying, but this I
Speaker 1: want to I want to bring out an important point though,
Speaker 1: because a lot of times in relationships, the idea that
Speaker 1: the part that your partner is changing often projects itself
Speaker 1: as if you're not doing something, so your partner has
Speaker 1: to change.
Speaker 3: I like like a negative, right, and a negative like.
Speaker 1: I like who you are right now, So if you
Speaker 1: choose to do something different, something is wrong with me
Speaker 1: because I liked who you were then, and I want
Speaker 1: people to understand that that's not always the case.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: If we look at these facts and status, it says
Speaker 1: some factors that can contribute to changes in behavior and
Speaker 1: personality include influence of the partner getting comfortable, and loss
Speaker 1: based events. Research shows that relationship changes are associated with
Speaker 1: changes in personality and life satisfaction. I want to stop
Speaker 1: there at life satisfaction, right. I watched people our age
Speaker 1: as we are both now on the fourth floor.
Speaker 3: It's so far.
Speaker 2: It is though, it is hit though.
Speaker 1: You get to a point in your life after I
Speaker 1: would say twenty five where everything you thought was important
Speaker 1: is not important. As we continue this, I guess that
Speaker 1: for me, this whole season is going to be dedicated
Speaker 1: to perception versus reality. Right where Force fed so much
Speaker 1: information between birth to twenty right because your parents curate
Speaker 1: what your life looks like, your friends curated, your educators.
Speaker 1: Everyone is giving you their ideas and opinions of what
Speaker 1: life is supposed to be. Once you get to about
Speaker 1: twenty and you leave the home and now you're in
Speaker 1: college or you're working in the workforce, and you're starting
Speaker 1: to travel a little bit further than your front porch,
Speaker 1: you start to develop your own perspective of the world.
Speaker 1: And if you happen to meet someone while you're going
Speaker 1: through this perspective change, that person is going to meet
Speaker 1: you in that moment, not realizing that you're ever so evolving,
Speaker 1: because as you live life.
Speaker 2: Your perspective changes.
Speaker 1: But that person often says, man, I met this person
Speaker 1: right here, and I love that person that right here.
Speaker 1: So as that person changes, and then you're just like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't like to do this no more. And it's
Speaker 1: just like, what you mean, you're changing? It's something wrong
Speaker 1: with me? Is it's something I didn't do. It has
Speaker 1: nothing to do with you at all. That person is evolving.
Speaker 1: And now we're at forty. I see the world so
Speaker 1: differently than I did at thirty eight. I see it
Speaker 1: differently than I did it thirty five. I see it
Speaker 1: differently than I did it twenty five. And I'm thinking
Speaker 1: to myself now, like, man, imagine if I had the
Speaker 1: type of wife who was just like nope, and I
Speaker 1: used fictional characters because it's easy because you don't have
Speaker 1: to blow anybody spot up.
Speaker 2: But think about Tasha and Ghost in Power, Okay, all right?
Speaker 3: And he.
Speaker 1: Wanted to evolve. He's like, I don't want to be
Speaker 1: in this game no more. I want to be able
Speaker 1: to and she was like, no, I want you to
Speaker 1: be the biggest drug.
Speaker 2: They that's the man who I love, right, And it's
Speaker 2: like wow or nothing.
Speaker 1: They kid they can, which is a tragedy in itself crazy.
Speaker 1: It actually is a perfect example of someone being satisfied
Speaker 1: with their life so they don't want anything to change
Speaker 1: around them, but the spouse is like, I'm not satisfied.
Speaker 3: I know another couple who's the same exact situation, and
Speaker 3: it's funny because it's not even that so the husband,
Speaker 3: So I'm gonna say husband and wife. So the wife
Speaker 3: met the husband when she was young. She didn't have much,
Speaker 3: a very very sheltered view of the world, and he,
Speaker 3: being a little older than her, was able to expose
Speaker 3: her to a couple of different things and opportunities and
Speaker 3: she's like, oh wow, there's life out here, right, So
Speaker 3: then she got a taste of what life could be
Speaker 3: like if I do a little more. So she started
Speaker 3: doing a little more. And then she started doing a
Speaker 3: little more, and then to the point where she's doing
Speaker 3: now to him the most, and he now regrets that
Speaker 3: I've introduced you to more because now you're doing the
Speaker 3: most when I was just satisfied with the least that
Speaker 3: I exposed you to. So it's not even now that
Speaker 3: he's looking at her like me. She's just outgrown him,
Speaker 3: And that's where some of the resentment lies, because she's like,
Speaker 3: I want more. We're doing, like why can't we do more?
Speaker 3: And he's like, you're a completely different person that I met.
Speaker 3: You met a sheltered, more reserved, more meek young lady
Speaker 3: who that's why you liked her. But now she's more
Speaker 3: outspoken and she a chief things. She's like, I've seen
Speaker 3: more life, There's more out there. Why don't you want more?
Speaker 3: You know? And it's like, no one's wrong necessarily in
Speaker 3: that dynamic. But it's sometimes hard for people to support
Speaker 3: a spouse through change because the change, like you said,
Speaker 3: alters their reality.
Speaker 1: You just you know, it's funny whomen we talk about
Speaker 1: this being therapy for us. I've seen how we've both
Speaker 1: done that for each other.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: I gave an analogy to one of my homies, Robed Davon.
Speaker 1: Shout out to my boy.
Speaker 3: Rob Robert, Robert meerkats cats inside joke, but we were
Speaker 3: talking about people having windows in their room.
Speaker 2: Right, So I made up this whole analogy. Just stick
Speaker 2: with me. But two kids are born in prison, right,
Speaker 2: Two kids are born.
Speaker 3: In prison, born within the prison, born with.
Speaker 2: In the prison in an actual prison.
Speaker 1: Right. Okay, So they grew up in life, they each
Speaker 1: had their own self, right, and in those selves, the
Speaker 1: only time they could either see each other was when
Speaker 1: they went out into the prison in the common areas
Speaker 1: and they started talking, right, so they started talking and
Speaker 1: you know, they say, hey, you in the prison, what
Speaker 1: do you want to do when you grow up? And
Speaker 1: the one guy was just like, I don't know. At
Speaker 1: some point I guess I'd be a prison guard because
Speaker 1: they're the ones who have controlling here. And another one
Speaker 1: was just like, prison prison guard, I'm getting the fuck
Speaker 1: up out of here. And then the one kid was like,
Speaker 1: what you mean you getting about of here? Like you
Speaker 1: sound crazy? Like this is what life is. They had
Speaker 1: an argument. They go back into their rooms. The one
Speaker 1: kid who said he wanted to be a prison guard
Speaker 1: he had just to sell, right, just to sell nothing.
Speaker 1: The other guy had a window in his room.
Speaker 2: So even though.
Speaker 1: Their life every day was exactly the same, same regiment,
Speaker 1: they saw the same people. His perspective was different because
Speaker 1: he had a window. So since he could see that
Speaker 1: there was outside, he knew there was more more. What
Speaker 1: happens when you have a window in your room and
Speaker 1: you're able to share with someone who doesn't have a window,
Speaker 1: you change their perspective. And sometimes if you can change
Speaker 1: someone's perspective and they go when they travel, they can
Speaker 1: bring you up and now change your perspective and a
Speaker 1: lot of ways you and I have done that for
Speaker 1: each other because we were both both very sheltered.
Speaker 3: Yes, growing up definitely, And.
Speaker 1: It was like there were ways that you showed me
Speaker 1: different things, like I didn't travel that much out of
Speaker 1: the country, and now you can't stop me from wanting
Speaker 1: to go someplace.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: There are different lifestyles. I, since I was able to
Speaker 1: make money at a younger age, was able to show
Speaker 1: you how to travel differently. And now you like, oh
Speaker 1: we can go first class, were going to private jet,
Speaker 1: we can get a yacht, you.
Speaker 2: Know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And now it's like you exposed me to travel in
Speaker 1: and now I exposed you how I like to travel,
Speaker 1: and now you want to travel like that.
Speaker 2: And it's like we keep showing each other windows.
Speaker 3: Windows, and we keep changing.
Speaker 1: And I want to implore couples to not look at
Speaker 1: change in your spouse as a reflection of you not
Speaker 1: being enough, but just look at it as man I
Speaker 1: opened up a window, the window to my spouse so
Speaker 1: that that person can see more, and just be like, yo,
Speaker 1: take me with.
Speaker 3: You, and you can blow that joint together and run
Speaker 3: off into the subset. But you see what I'm saying
Speaker 3: this is a really good analogy. Listening to you talk
Speaker 3: really made me take enogy. But look at us opening
Speaker 3: windows here during this conversation.
Speaker 2: No, seriously, Like.
Speaker 1: Having a conversation really made me think about it, Like
Speaker 1: when you have changed, when your spouse is beginning to change,
Speaker 1: that should be a positive sign that evolution is happening.
Speaker 1: And start asking questions. Well rather than being like why
Speaker 1: are you changing? Why don't you do this? Be like
Speaker 1: whoa what? What sparked this change?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 2: Try to get an understanding of what that change is
Speaker 2: and see if you can be involved in that change
Speaker 2: because you don't know how that's going to open up
Speaker 2: a window when you're mad.
Speaker 3: That's true because it could be exciting, Like it doesn't
Speaker 3: have to like complacency for a lot of people is comfortable, yes, right,
Speaker 3: but for others it's not. Complacency is like what's next?
Speaker 3: I need to keep moving, So keep opening each other's
Speaker 3: windows up, y'all. That's such a great analogy. And this
Speaker 3: is literally how to valoce and be talking to like
Speaker 3: without Mike's, without cameras, without her crew, Like this is
Speaker 3: like a random conversation over dinner. Whatno, no, It.
Speaker 2: Really gave me an epiphany.
Speaker 1: Like I went to look at some of these tips,
Speaker 1: but like even some of these tips, it says, communicate,
Speaker 1: ask your partner for their views on things, and communicate
Speaker 1: about changes. Right, I haven't read these, but that's what
Speaker 1: we just talked about. Be empathetic. Try to understand your
Speaker 1: partner's perspective. We talked about that show support. Let your
Speaker 1: partner know you care about them and that you support
Speaker 1: them when they are down.
Speaker 3: That's something devas that you want to retire. I'm all right,
Speaker 3: So literally, what we gotta do? What we're doing.
Speaker 1: It says create shared experiences, go for a walk, cook together,
Speaker 1: or try to share something they like.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 3: Travel you've been trying to get me downstairs to play
Speaker 3: pool some days. You know, I'm watching movies together. I
Speaker 3: was never a big movie buff. Now you can't get
Speaker 3: me out and not watch the movie.
Speaker 1: You know what's funny? Yep, I just can't. I have
Speaker 1: a whole like the windows opening right now. Okay, but
Speaker 1: even on my moment of truth, why do people say
Speaker 1: marriage is important in general because.
Speaker 3: You have a companions.
Speaker 1: There's this whole thing about marriage. If a man doesn't
Speaker 1: bring this to the table, he's worthless. If a woman
Speaker 1: doesn't bring this to the table, she's worthless. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell you how full of shit all of that is. Right,
Speaker 1: As from a man's perspective, if women are chasing.
Speaker 2: High value men, high value men are.
Speaker 1: Just men who make a certain amount of money, believe
Speaker 1: in God, take care of themselves, blah blah blah. There
Speaker 1: is nothing a woman can do for that man that
Speaker 1: he can't pay someone to do, which means whatever she's
Speaker 1: bringing to him has to be deep more than that.
Speaker 1: And just she can cook, she can clean, she fucks,
Speaker 1: she's pretty. Because he can get all of that, he's
Speaker 1: a high he can get all of that free. Do
Speaker 1: you know what it is a woman can bring to
Speaker 1: a man other than just nurture and like nursing him
Speaker 1: opening his mind to evolution? Seriously, because if you, as
Speaker 1: a woman, can make this man something further and create
Speaker 1: more and do more, all he's going to do is
Speaker 1: grow and to be a better version of the man
Speaker 1: he already is.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's true. That's that's literally us like and.
Speaker 2: That's right same you want to high value woman.
Speaker 1: Right, If a high value woman says I got degrees,
Speaker 1: I earn my own money.
Speaker 2: I stay in shape. I do.
Speaker 1: There's nothing that a man can do for that woman
Speaker 1: that she can't pay for herself. Right, she's if she
Speaker 1: got five degrees, she is a high earner and she
Speaker 1: don't property, so then she don't need a man for protection.
Speaker 1: She can hire a security service. She don't got to
Speaker 1: cook and clean. She already stays in shape. If she
Speaker 1: want to fuck, she can find a young boy that
Speaker 1: she can just be like, Yo, I'll take you to
Speaker 1: buy some ps fives and you can come by the house.
Speaker 2: When you come by the house, we can fuck. Like
Speaker 2: I'm just being honest.
Speaker 1: A high value woman does not need anything but her
Speaker 1: mind expanded. And that's why marriage is so important. You
Speaker 1: have two different perspectives, and the further apart the perspectives,
Speaker 1: if these two people are working in synergies to be together,
Speaker 1: the greater the windows because now her perspective is so
Speaker 1: different from his perspective.
Speaker 3: The rules that can be so much kitty and the
Speaker 3: uniqueness and them, you know, really, just oh, that's that's
Speaker 3: a good one.
Speaker 1: It just it just hit me why change is so
Speaker 1: important in marriage and how it broadens the horizons and
Speaker 1: opens up the windows and changes the perspective in talking.
Speaker 1: This is why talking to someone who has a different
Speaker 1: perspective is important because when you started talking, it hit me, right, Oh,
Speaker 1: I ain't think about that.
Speaker 3: That's just like a human thing in general, because it's like, okay,
Speaker 3: one human being. Because this is like thinking about same
Speaker 3: sex couples, for example, one just may have a completely
Speaker 3: different perspective than the other. Yes, So it's like if
Speaker 3: you're bringing something that things that are so different, but
Speaker 3: you guys united in similarities. That's really just another way
Speaker 3: to further expand on how the relationship can grow deeper.
Speaker 3: You're then empowered to go out into the world and
Speaker 3: conquer and achieve and do all the things that you
Speaker 3: want to do. Like that's literally you're right, that's what
Speaker 3: we do.
Speaker 1: That's what we do, is you know we do, And
Speaker 1: that's why marriage is so important. That's why friendships and relationships.
Speaker 3: Are so Friendships are the same thing, right.
Speaker 1: Stop Stop looking for friends that all just believe the
Speaker 1: same things you believe. Stop looking for friends who live
Speaker 1: the same exact lifestyle you live, because then if everybody
Speaker 1: has the same amount of windows in their room, no
Speaker 1: one can teach anybody anything that's true, and that's why
Speaker 1: it's important to look for changing your spouse because if
Speaker 1: your spouse has changed stayed the same ten, fifteen, twenty years,
Speaker 1: if they haven't grown, that means that they haven't even
Speaker 1: pushed you to grow. And you have to start looking
Speaker 1: at yourself like, damn, am I in the same spot
Speaker 1: for fifteen years doing it? Because and it does matter
Speaker 1: how much money you have. Growth it doesn't only.
Speaker 2: Mean economics, No, sure doesn't mean economics. It's like you
Speaker 2: could be a billionaire.
Speaker 1: Say you was born into money, he's born into money,
Speaker 1: and you marry a woman who was born into money.
Speaker 1: Y'all got all the money in the world. Ll y'all
Speaker 1: do a city of your house and yaya and do
Speaker 1: the same things.
Speaker 2: It was growth there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you've died accomplishing nothing and bringing nothing to humanity
Speaker 1: or bringing anything to each other.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I'm still on the friendship portion of it too,
Speaker 3: because I think about how important this is when we
Speaker 3: talk about the friendships that we choose to engage in
Speaker 3: and then sometimes letting those friendships grow a go sorry
Speaker 3: because A it's not sharing the similar similarities also too,
Speaker 3: as hard as friends when you grow past your friends
Speaker 3: and you change, then you it kind of catapults you
Speaker 3: into a different realment like that, Yeah, you're in a
Speaker 3: different friend group, and it's just like, damn, like the
Speaker 3: people who I used to be friends with, the people
Speaker 3: who I used to you know, be in the group
Speaker 3: chat with, chopping it up about random things like we
Speaker 3: don't even have things in common anymore because their windows
Speaker 3: are not open, right, that is the truth they have
Speaker 3: any And even if I do say, hey, come in
Speaker 3: my room and look through my window, there has to
Speaker 3: be something innate to make them want to make that move,
Speaker 3: you know, particular with friendship.
Speaker 1: No, You're absolutely right, because some people can't see a
Speaker 1: window and then just be like, I'm not interested. I'm
Speaker 1: happy where I am, and understanding that that's okay too, right, right, right,
Speaker 1: even if you do have a spouse who was just
Speaker 1: like my spouse is not interested in changing at all,
Speaker 1: finding empathy and being okay with the fact that cool
Speaker 1: you can do that. I want to change, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Also understanding that change scares people. You
Speaker 1: show somebody a window, I think it was, was it
Speaker 1: Sojourner truth or Harriet Tubman truth?
Speaker 3: Came up the other day too with us, and he
Speaker 3: was like.
Speaker 1: You said something wild about Sojournal Truth, and yo, I
Speaker 1: don't think it.
Speaker 3: Was the Journal Truth. I was trying to say. I
Speaker 3: was trying to say somebody else that says the Journal
Speaker 3: Truth by accident.
Speaker 2: Yeah you did.
Speaker 1: But it was something crazy though, Like it was something
Speaker 1: It was something with pop culture.
Speaker 2: And he was like who said that? He was like,
Speaker 2: what was it? The Journal Truth?
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, in the fourteen hundreds, Like
Speaker 1: the fuck is you're talking about?
Speaker 3: You about something that I can't remember that right now?
Speaker 1: Butt ahead, I think it was Harriet Tubman said I
Speaker 1: freed thousands of slaves, and I would have freed thousands
Speaker 1: more if they knew they were slaves. Yes, the truth
Speaker 1: of the matter is a lot of us are enslaved mentally,
Speaker 1: and the idea of change scares us. So we'd rather
Speaker 1: stay in whatever circumstance we are in. Because they'll also
Speaker 1: say this, the devil I know is better than the
Speaker 1: devil I don't.
Speaker 3: That's a fact. You know what I'm saying, to pay
Speaker 3: yourselves for mental slavery, men, but ourselves can free our minds.
Speaker 2: You know this.
Speaker 1: This round of podcasts all have the similar message.
Speaker 2: Perspective versus reality.
Speaker 3: Challenging thing that's been happening for us.
Speaker 2: I think it's because that's what it is.
Speaker 3: Because so we give y'all the cheat code. So all
Speaker 3: of my people listening who are in there, like late teens,
Speaker 3: early twenties, thirties, like we're trying to get y'all to
Speaker 3: be trying to put you onto game from early from
Speaker 3: now to be like, guys, this is what you look
Speaker 3: forward to, because think about it. We had recently said,
Speaker 3: you said, I can see why my godfather, for example,
Speaker 3: Uncle Frank moves the way he moves because he's in
Speaker 3: his sixties and he doesn't see all of this already.
Speaker 3: So when you see older men and women who are
Speaker 3: they're unbothered. They're not worried about the riff raff. Who
Speaker 3: do we say more recently, oh, Denzel, was it that
Speaker 3: he just be chiling? He mind his business? States is
Speaker 3: because he's seen all of this already. He's not getting
Speaker 3: were like at this age in life, they're not getting
Speaker 3: involved in all of the heat shady. They're gonna sit
Speaker 3: by their window, look out their window and like the
Speaker 3: view from where they're at, y'all can stay over here
Speaker 3: in prison.
Speaker 2: Let's take a break.
Speaker 3: Let's take a break.
Speaker 2: That's some windows we can look out of in the bedroom.
Speaker 3: How did we get here?
Speaker 2: And we're back?
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of times that podcast went in a
Speaker 1: completely different because of the epiphany.
Speaker 2: But that's also God working because we're talking.
Speaker 1: About trying to curate ways to talk to people, and
Speaker 1: then God gives you a message and say to talk
Speaker 1: about this, talk about this right now, just to this
Speaker 1: whatever you was talking about, don't fuck that. God said
Speaker 1: that to God was like, fuck that.
Speaker 3: And that's the beauty of like the podcast that we've
Speaker 3: been doing with you guys more lately, Like it's not
Speaker 3: just like finding these really structured topics to talk about.
Speaker 3: It's kind of like whatever is in our heart in
Speaker 3: this moment, and we just asked God to be a
Speaker 3: vessel to deliver whatever it is that he wants us
Speaker 3: to deliver to y'all in that moment because it's going
Speaker 3: to help somebody, it helps us along the way, and
Speaker 3: we love it here.
Speaker 1: Absolutely because God be looking down at us sometimes like
Speaker 1: look at this, Nick, the fuck is you?
Speaker 2: That is not what I told you to do, That.
Speaker 3: Is not what I said, what I told you how
Speaker 3: I intended for it to be.
Speaker 2: You know what, mute?
Speaker 1: Now you can't talk no more. Now you had a stroke?
Speaker 1: Why because you ain't do what God told you to do?
Speaker 1: Now look now, look value, you are a mess. How
Speaker 1: did we get here? I told me to tell you
Speaker 1: all that too, mass start playing with God, bro, I'm
Speaker 1: telling them period, telling them.
Speaker 2: Let me go first.
Speaker 1: All right, hey, Kadeen and the vow sup. First, I
Speaker 1: want to thank you for doing what you're doing. You
Speaker 1: are so relatable, You're still young on the fourth floor.
Speaker 1: That's the fact you offer wonderful advice content. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much, which is why I'm reaching out. I've been
Speaker 1: with my boyfriend for close to two years. We live together,
Speaker 1: and overall he is a wonderful boyfriend. He makes me laugh.
Speaker 1: He's very caring, kind and compassionate. But that's all that
Speaker 1: he is similar to you both. My father is from
Speaker 1: Brooklyn Crown Heights and he is also Caribbean big up beliefs. Yes,
Speaker 1: like a lot of Caribbean families, they raised their daughters
Speaker 1: especially to be a value, to take your education seriously
Speaker 1: and to be self sustaining. I have honed in on
Speaker 1: that advice and I'm blessed to have my master's in education.
Speaker 1: I am a teacher with a good salary. I can
Speaker 1: take care of myself financially. I'm also a deep thinker,
Speaker 1: a knowledge seeker, and I crave stimulating conversations. Okay, a
Speaker 1: boyfriend is not he barely graduated high school with an
Speaker 1: acceptable GPA.
Speaker 3: How do he become your boyfriend?
Speaker 1: Yes, that's a good question. And his only higher education
Speaker 1: is a culinary certificate. We know how he probably slang
Speaker 1: in that thing.
Speaker 3: Women can't get away from that man all right now.
Speaker 1: And his only higher education is a culinary certificate, no
Speaker 1: degree to his name, no real college experience. His family
Speaker 1: didn't even stress the importance of education to him growing
Speaker 1: up like my dad did to me. So in our relationship,
Speaker 1: I'm realizing it lacks depth. I come with a lot
Speaker 1: of sight and comes with a lot of insight, perspective,
Speaker 1: and knowledge, while he just merely exists. He doesn't seem
Speaker 1: to know the importance of knowing how to have an
Speaker 1: in depth conversation or to understand why seeking knowledge is
Speaker 1: so important. It's one of the reasons I feel we
Speaker 1: can't make true progress because I can't have a life
Speaker 1: partner if I can't have deep conversations. Also, I'm the
Speaker 1: bread winner and I pay more bills in him, so
Speaker 1: I don't even feel like he's truly an equal partner.
Speaker 1: Money is not the issue. Yes it is, but close
Speaker 1: to two years and he's still in the same predicament
Speaker 1: while I'm trying to further my career, my bank account
Speaker 1: and my knowledge. I've tried talking to him, but he
Speaker 1: doesn't understand. You don't know what you don't know, and
Speaker 1: with a childhood like mine, I will never get it.
Speaker 1: I try to explain to him, but I feel like
Speaker 1: his mother. I feel like I'm with you, Cay, I
Speaker 1: know what you're gonna say. Why are you still in
Speaker 1: a relationship? I know.
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm telling me everything that's wrong. It's
Speaker 3: like when you write the pro and con list and
Speaker 3: it's just contons everywhere. What's the pro? Go ahead?
Speaker 1: I break so birth to the table and I'm constantly
Speaker 1: filling his cup. But who's going to fill mine? Nobody
Speaker 1: in that relationship salvageable or should I just cut my lasses?
Speaker 3: It's giving lost cutting for me. You just explain, you
Speaker 3: literally just explain and walk through why he is not
Speaker 3: the right match for you, he's not the right match.
Speaker 3: I wish I knew how old she was, just how
Speaker 3: old she was here. No, overall, he's a wonderful boyfriend,
Speaker 3: makes me laugh, very caring, kind and compassionate. So those
Speaker 3: are the pros. But that's all he is. That's not
Speaker 3: going to be enough to sustain a relationship. Potentially caring,
Speaker 3: kind of compassionate. Now, that's not going to be enough
Speaker 3: to sustain it. Sis like you are.
Speaker 1: I will say this though, I will say this, it
Speaker 1: sounds like he's a nice guy, right, But when you're
Speaker 1: looking for a life partner, you're not looking for a
Speaker 1: nice guy to be a life partner.
Speaker 2: And I'll tell you why.
Speaker 1: Right, if you're going into the wilderness, right and you
Speaker 1: have to fight off bears and you need someone to
Speaker 1: help you hunt and do all this, are you going
Speaker 1: to grab the guy who's the nice guy who can
Speaker 1: make you laugh.
Speaker 2: No, you're going to grab the guy who's resourceful.
Speaker 3: Yes, and enuity you can figure it out and that and.
Speaker 2: That goes both ways.
Speaker 1: I'm going if I'm going into the wilderness, right, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to just grab the prettiest girl to survive
Speaker 1: in the wilderness.
Speaker 2: Because life is the wilderness. We're all working.
Speaker 1: I'm going to grab the most resourceful person who if
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on here, I can look
Speaker 1: at her and be like, can you figure this out?
Speaker 2: Facts A Mica is gonna look to her and be like, oh,
Speaker 2: she looks great, and are we going to go into
Speaker 2: the wilderness and then get killed by bear and die?
Speaker 3: And right now says you're on the road to being
Speaker 3: killed and mauled by a bear. Facts in the wilderness
Speaker 3: with homeboy facts, I don't got much more to say
Speaker 3: about this.
Speaker 2: And we love that you love love, but you just
Speaker 2: told us why it's not going to work.
Speaker 3: And it's one of those things too where I had
Speaker 3: a conversation recently with someone and she she was asking
Speaker 3: me like, how do I motivate, you know, my guy
Speaker 3: to want more and to be ambitious, Like what can
Speaker 3: I do to be able to like spark that in him?
Speaker 3: And my advice was more like, Okay, some people have ruts.
Speaker 3: Some people have moments where it's like dam you know,
Speaker 3: you have your downtime, especially if you're a creative, you
Speaker 3: know you may not be in a creative mood in
Speaker 3: the moment you need something to kind of spark that.
Speaker 3: But there's certain things you can't teach someone. You can't
Speaker 3: teach someone how to be ambitious, you can't teach someone
Speaker 3: how to be self motivated, you can't teach someone to
Speaker 3: want more. You can show them, you can expose them
Speaker 3: to it, but ultimately it has to be something innate,
Speaker 3: and it doesn't seem like he right now innately has that. Now.
Speaker 3: I don't know how old this couple is. They could
Speaker 3: be nineteen and twenty one and he's just still trying
Speaker 3: to figure things out.
Speaker 2: So says, you got a master's degree though, so she does, Okay.
Speaker 3: So then yeah, ok yeah, yeah, okay, so you're definitely
Speaker 3: a little bit older than that, I say twenty five, yes,
Speaker 3: maybe roughly around there. But that there's certain things that
Speaker 3: you just can't teach, and you can't will someone to have.
Speaker 3: They either have it or they don't. And I think
Speaker 3: this is a circumstance where he may just not have
Speaker 3: been exposed to that kind of life. And though being
Speaker 3: with you, you would think, Okay, he sees how I'm ambitious,
Speaker 3: I'm driven, I'm doing all these things. These are the
Speaker 3: things I want out of life. It may not be
Speaker 3: something he wants.
Speaker 1: But this goes back to what we talk about a
Speaker 1: lot on this podcast is using discernment and not being
Speaker 1: afraid to say, hey, this relationship was what it was.
Speaker 1: I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot
Speaker 1: about the type of person I want to date, and
Speaker 1: you're just not that. That don't mean that you're a
Speaker 1: bad person. You're just not the person for me, and
Speaker 1: being okay, saying that's cool because I'm not going to
Speaker 1: settle in my life to make you and everybody else
Speaker 1: feel happy about how I should live my life, because I'm.
Speaker 2: The only person responsible for that.
Speaker 1: Using discernment means I can tell after dating and dating
Speaker 1: takes time.
Speaker 2: Dating is not two dates.
Speaker 1: You might date someone for a year of two years
Speaker 1: and saying, you know what, el this two year span,
Speaker 1: I realize that this is not what I want for
Speaker 1: the rest of my life.
Speaker 2: So we can go out separate ways. You know, that's
Speaker 2: what I agree.
Speaker 1: I just think, you know, based on what she said,
Speaker 1: I would say, hey, mama, go and find someone else
Speaker 1: that has the same type of work ethic and will
Speaker 1: and drive that you have and don't feel based on
Speaker 1: listening to the internet, what everyone telling you your standards
Speaker 1: are too high, and you're going to be by yourself
Speaker 1: because when you're gonna do lower your standards and end
Speaker 1: up being miserable with someone, I'd rather be by myself
Speaker 1: with high standards.
Speaker 2: Than be with someone that I got to carry for
Speaker 2: the rest of my life.
Speaker 3: So all right, now, good luck to you, says Number two.
Speaker 3: Hey to Valancadin, I love listening to y'all. I can
Speaker 3: truly take something positive from each episode, whether it's related
Speaker 3: to my marriage, family, personal or just parenting in general.
Speaker 2: That is the hope.
Speaker 3: I love it. When I was listening to the Practice
Speaker 3: Kid episode, it really put parenting into a better perspective
Speaker 3: for me. For contact, I'm twenty eight with two kids.
Speaker 3: My son is nine, my daughter is two and a half. Currently,
Speaker 3: I'm struggling with my nine year old son constantly lying,
Speaker 3: even about the little things. We have had constant conversations
Speaker 3: on the importance of being truthful. We have tried many
Speaker 3: different discipline mechanisms, such as taking away electronics, writing the
Speaker 3: same sentences many times. You must be Withindian hardcore workout, spanking, etc.
Speaker 3: Have you dealt with this and how do you navigate
Speaker 3: this with your practice child? Thank y'all much love.
Speaker 2: I've dealt with this in my mentorship program. Yeah, there's
Speaker 2: only one way. We haven't dealt with lying with our kids.
Speaker 2: But do you know why lying?
Speaker 1: Lying doesn't come from lack of discipline. Lying comes from
Speaker 1: a child not feeling safe to tell the truth. So
Speaker 1: when you create an environment like what she said, hardcore workout, spankings,
Speaker 1: writing sentences, this child probably doesn't feel comfortable because if
Speaker 1: I tell you the truth, I'm going to get in trouble.
Speaker 1: So you have to create like, stopping children from lying
Speaker 1: comes from them feeling safe. If a child doesn't feel safe.
Speaker 3: Or comfortable communicating with you, they're gonna lie.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And if you really want him to stop lying,
Speaker 1: make it okay for him to tell the truth and
Speaker 1: he doesn't get in trouble. That doesn't mean you take
Speaker 1: away consequences. It just means that they don't get in trouble.
Speaker 1: Trouble means like a disciplinary action. So it's like, yo,
Speaker 1: what did you do? Let's discuss how to do this again,
Speaker 1: and let's try not to make the same choice over
Speaker 1: and over again. After a while of doing that and
Speaker 1: it takes patience, they call it gentle parenting and I
Speaker 1: know a lot of Black and West Indian parents don't
Speaker 1: like doing the gentle parenting thing, but we.
Speaker 2: Do like a hybrid. Right.
Speaker 1: My kids are allowed to make poor decisions and do
Speaker 1: things in real time because I want them to learn
Speaker 1: to pick themselves up off the ground. So my biggest
Speaker 1: thing is I let them make a poor decision. We
Speaker 1: talk about what's what happened?
Speaker 2: Why'd you do that?
Speaker 1: Like, for example, Jackson, you know, skipping out of his
Speaker 1: reading and then his grades dropped, Right, what happened?
Speaker 2: Why'd your grades drop?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: Well, because you know I thought that this and this
Speaker 1: and that and making it hues. I didn't have time, Jackson.
Speaker 1: You had time. You chose to use your time for
Speaker 1: other things. I'm not mad, but this is what happens.
Speaker 1: So you do that, and are you happy with getting
Speaker 1: a seventy on it on the test? No?
Speaker 2: All right, so then you got to fix it, brom.
Speaker 1: But what I didn't do was be like you got
Speaker 1: a seventy, No more video games, no more this, because
Speaker 1: now the next time it's like, I'm not even telling
Speaker 1: them my pothect exactly.
Speaker 3: It's fair. Now at this post it's fair. It becomes hiding.
Speaker 3: Those are all the things that you start to kind
Speaker 3: of manifest in them. Like I love that with our boys,
Speaker 3: We've given them, like you said, a safe space to
Speaker 3: be able to say how they feel. So even if
Speaker 3: it was something that and I had to curb my
Speaker 3: own reaction, you did. I to curb my own reaction
Speaker 3: because coming from my environment where like my mother also
Speaker 3: too stressed the importance of not lying and cheating, and
Speaker 3: you cheat, you go to jail, and you go to jail,
Speaker 3: you do this. There was like this like subsequent chain
Speaker 3: of events that happens. If you told one lie, you
Speaker 3: end up in jail, cheat, then you still still you
Speaker 3: go to jail, don't call me? And I was like,
Speaker 3: how did we get here? You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 3: like how did we get here? So I had to
Speaker 3: curb the way I reacted to things when the kids
Speaker 3: did something that was not to my liking. So it
Speaker 3: doesn't even have to be a lie. It could just
Speaker 3: be something that they do and I'm just like they're like,
Speaker 3: oh god, Mom is going to be upset. So it's
Speaker 3: changed so much now that where I don't react in
Speaker 3: a way that they feel threatened or they feel like,
Speaker 3: oh my god, Mom, is so upset. It's more of
Speaker 3: a like, all right, buddy, is that right? It's okay,
Speaker 3: what happened, Hey, mistakes happen, right, No big deal, Mommy,
Speaker 3: Mammy used to spill things. Mommy used to do this too, right,
Speaker 3: it's okay, you tell mommy, I help you, rather than
Speaker 3: them trying to sneak and clean up and then do
Speaker 3: it poorly, and then they're scared to tell me, And
Speaker 3: then you're trying to figure out who told a lie,
Speaker 3: and all of them are thickest thieves and they're never
Speaker 3: gonna tell in each other. So you really don't know,
Speaker 3: get it?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 3: So do you always want to have that? And I
Speaker 3: love that we have that with our boys. So that
Speaker 3: your son is nine, there's still time to be able
Speaker 3: to penetrate that, but not really because.
Speaker 1: To middle school that's when they start to become who
Speaker 1: they are going to become. But ultimately it all becomes
Speaker 1: about feeling safe. Kids only lie when they don't feel.
Speaker 3: Safe, right, feel or they feel like they're going to
Speaker 3: be in trouble.
Speaker 1: They tell the truth when they're comfortable with someone who
Speaker 1: they just like, okay, this but and what you said
Speaker 1: is perfect. Sometimes the discipline can even be a lot
Speaker 1: as long as they still feel safe. For example, Jackson
Speaker 1: don't do something. He knows he got to get on
Speaker 1: the treadmill and he got to get it done. But
Speaker 1: what affects him is how I respond. What I'm saying
Speaker 1: that I didn't do so and so and so. All right, bro,
Speaker 1: well you made that choice, so remember what we discussed.
Speaker 1: You only thirty sprints on a treadmill. He's like, all right,
Speaker 1: as opposed to Dad, I didn't do so and so,
Speaker 1: why the fuck wouldn't you? And now he feels unsafe,
Speaker 1: he's still going to have to do the same sprints.
Speaker 1: But my respeton, which is the perfect point, how you
Speaker 1: respond to your kids as a parent shows them what
Speaker 1: they should be afraid of. So, no matter how bad
Speaker 1: it is, if you learn how to keep your cool
Speaker 1: and stay even and you still discipline them, well hey, yo,
Speaker 1: you stole so and so. You know what the consequences
Speaker 1: are for that.
Speaker 3: Listen, And once you have a relationship with them where
Speaker 3: they feel comfortable and they feel safe, they also don't
Speaker 3: want to disappoint you. Yes, so if they know the
Speaker 3: consequence or they see the hurt and the disappointment in you.
Speaker 3: When the liah is told, you sit him down and
Speaker 3: you say, babe, do you don't understand that that really
Speaker 3: hurt mommy's feelings that you lied and you felt like
Speaker 3: you couldn't tell me the truth in that moment. I
Speaker 3: really really want for you to be able to feel
Speaker 3: safe to tell me how you really feel, because it'll
Speaker 3: give them then the space to feel like, Okay, yeah,
Speaker 3: I can tell mom regardless of what it is. She's
Speaker 3: not going to react, she's not gonna fly off the handle. Yep,
Speaker 3: We're going to just figure it out. That's always my thing.
Speaker 3: Don't worrybody, We'll figured out, buddy. We'll figure it out.
Speaker 3: We figure it out, We'll figure it right. If only
Speaker 3: was the same way with me and you.
Speaker 2: No, I got hit, I got punched in the chest,
Speaker 2: I got smacked, I got beat with a belt. It
Speaker 2: took my car away, took the video games away.
Speaker 1: No, not no, not for lying, but I did lie
Speaker 1: because of stuff like that, Like remember I signed my
Speaker 1: form one. Anybody who went to Andrews Hurdy Junior High
Speaker 1: School shot out Flatbush know that if you get in
Speaker 1: trouble or you you missing an assignment, you gotta get
Speaker 1: your parents to sign a form one.
Speaker 2: A form one shows that you did something and your
Speaker 2: parents to sign them.
Speaker 1: And I signed them ships and gave it to my
Speaker 1: teacher because I wasn't even trying to hear my mother's mouth.
Speaker 1: And it really had nothing to do with I didn't
Speaker 1: want to get hit. It was it was just like
Speaker 1: it was like, I figured I can't be bothering bothered.
Speaker 1: I wasn't a liar, but you lied by omission. Yeah,
Speaker 1: until parent teaching night comes and and they're like, well,
Speaker 1: miss Ellis, we have these form ones that you signed.
Speaker 1: And then my mother goes, oh really, and this is
Speaker 1: me no eye contact. I'm just looking straight. I'm just
Speaker 1: straight ahead, like and I if looks could kill. She
Speaker 1: was burning a hole through my temple and the lady
Speaker 1: is coming out the other side.
Speaker 2: And this was just me the whole time, like I'm
Speaker 2: not hearing none of this.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I'd like to see you and your boy.
Speaker 3: I know, I know it gets better. It definitely gets better.
Speaker 3: All right, y'all, listen the letters keep writing in. We
Speaker 3: love to hear from y'all. Email us at dead Ass
Speaker 3: Advice at gmail dot com if you want to be
Speaker 3: featured on the show.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's d E A D A S S A
Speaker 2: D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: Alrighty, moment of truth time. Well, you should go first
Speaker 3: because you feel like you had it at the tip
Speaker 3: of your tongue when the show first started, anxious to
Speaker 3: hear what it is. Do you remember what your moment
Speaker 3: of truth is?
Speaker 1: Yes, my moment of truth actually goes back to before
Speaker 1: your partner has changes. Okay, it's please use discernment with
Speaker 1: the people that you give your time to, because if
Speaker 1: you choose the right people to give your time, as
Speaker 1: they change and evolve, they will carry you with them
Speaker 1: through that evolution and you will evolve as well, and
Speaker 1: y'all can grow together.
Speaker 3: That's dope, super dope. I think mine is about change
Speaker 3: in general, because we've had a lot of changes just
Speaker 3: in general in our lives since the year started. I
Speaker 3: want to say towards the end of last year, change
Speaker 3: is good. In most circumstances. Change is inevitable. Fighting the
Speaker 3: change sometimes can be to your detriment because you never
Speaker 3: know once you push past that level of uncomfortability, what
Speaker 3: more is on the other side. So embrace change when
Speaker 3: it comes your way. When you have an opportunity, whether
Speaker 3: that's with a job or a relationship or something really personal,
Speaker 3: because just a peek through the window of what could
Speaker 3: be different on the other side is sometimes enough motivation
Speaker 3: to make you lock in and really lean into that change.
Speaker 3: So I encourage you all when that change comes along
Speaker 3: and it's looking good, Ride the wave, yeah, ride the
Speaker 3: wave all right, y'all. Be sure to find us on
Speaker 3: Patreon if you haven't subscribed yet. We got all exclusive
Speaker 3: dead Ass podcast content over there, more ellis, family content
Speaker 3: and all day case stuff as well, and you can
Speaker 3: find us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast
Speaker 3: and Cadeen I Am and.
Speaker 1: I Am Deval And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead Ass, y'all.
Speaker 1: Cut dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network,
Speaker 1: and it's produced by Donorpinya and Triple Follow the podcast
Speaker 1: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never
Speaker 1: Miss a Thing.